Catching The Clock
by manda600
Summary: Because their timing was all wrong, but eventually they caught up to it. The episodes of Season 7 - Season 9 and beyond, as seen through Robin's and Barney's eyes. Note: This story only recognizes up to the legitimate canon ending in 9.22.
1. 701

**The Best Man**

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><p>Dancing with Barney made Robin feel….alive. There's no other word for it. At Lily's insistence, she had been about to tell him they could never have a future together. Chemistry was one thing, but they just didn't work out; it had already been proven. They had tried once and it ended in disaster. You'd have to be a fool to try that again, to even <em>want<em> that again.

Twenty seconds into the dance, she was a fool.

It was dangerous to want him the first time, even more so now. But he put his arms around her and he coaxed her. He dared her to remain unmoved, and she couldn't be. His enthusiasm was infectious. Before long she was smiling with him, bending with him, moving with him in perfect harmony.

Whether it was dancing, or teasing banter at MacLaren's, or sneaking around the exhibits at the Natural History Museum, or having sex in her bedroom so loud and wild Ted complained, they always had the right rhythm, just exactly the right chemistry to make it work.

So when she found herself in his lap, and then he was running to her, _kneeling_ in front of her, literally taking her up into his arms, she was suddenly sure that – foolish as it was – she wanted this. She wanted it _so_ _much_. And the way he looked at her made her think he felt it too. The way he looked at her made her ready and willing to follow him anywhere – including upstairs to his hotel room.

His hands were on her waist and hers were in his hair, and she forgot everything – the noise, the crowd, her fears. She forgot herself for a moment. And as her hands slid down over his shoulders, as her lips inched closer to his, she was ready to tell him. She was actually ready to _tell_ him.

Now she's so glad she didn't. One ring of his phone changed everything.

And here she stands in limbo, like the fool she is. She hears him tell her how he not only called Nora but called her _five times_. Her little bubble is burst, and all she wants to do is walk away – run away – but she can't help it. She can't resist his plea that just once he'd like to see what it's like to not screw things up. She knows how that feels; she's lived her whole life with that feeling. But she also knows Barney doesn't mess everything up. Case in point: the last four minutes she spent with him were absolutely perfect.

And so she gives in. She loves him _that_ much, a peculiar and terrifying realization.

She tells him what she'd been about to say before the phone call, feeds him the lines that come straight from her heart but instead deliver his over to another. And when he smiles at her so happy, so pleased, she has to get away before she makes a complete fool of herself.

They may have chemistry, but timing has never been on their side. So she has to deal with this blow to the heart alone. She has to find the nearest bathroom stall to burst into tears in private, like the self-respecting woman she is.


	2. 702

**The Naked Truth**

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><p>It hurts Robin to see Barney so full of determination, willing to stay at a diner 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever it takes to win Nora over.<p>

It was never like that for the two of them. There was no _trying_ to be together. Just the opposite. They both fought against it tooth and nail, but it just sort of happened anyway. Now when she sees him making such an effort for another woman she can't help but feel the sting of it.

What is it about Nora that appeals to him, that somehow sets her apart? What is it that makes Nora special enough for Barney to want to try? And why didn't _she_ have that for him? Because he says she wasn't just a number. He says he really did love her once, but she can't imagine him making grand public displays for her. She can't picture him waiting around in a diner, or anywhere for that matter, until she changed her mind and gave him another chance.

He never even asked for one.

Which Robin supposes is the answer to the question he never realized she was asking: _Is there any part of you that wants to try again_? She can see it's a 'no'. She can see every part of him is invested in trying again with _Nora_. So she stares down at her menu instead – tries to figure out what to order, tries to figure out when her life became like daytime TV, and what in the world she's going to do to fix it.


	3. 703

**The Ducky Tie**

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><p>Things aren't as bad as Robin initially feared. In fact, when Nora isn't around, when it's just the gang, all five of them hanging out, it's like Barney forgets she exists. And that's okay with Robin, more than okay.<p>

When they're out to dinner and Barney's back to being Barney, it feels normal. It feels right. It feels like maybe she still has a chance.

So when the bet with Lily comes up it's the perfect opportunity for Robin to chime in on living with the memory of Barney touching your boobs. "Yeah, it stays with you." She means it too, just not for the reasons they think.

Then she speaks of weekly email reminders from him, which of course isn't true. He has occasionally referenced their sexual relationship over the years, a lot more this past summer than ever before. But not anymore. Now _she_ is the one holding his eye, challenging him, doing anything to try to remind him they once used to be intimate, they used to be _together_.

But the way he smirks at her across the long bar, she thinks maybe in that second he remembers it too.

* * *

><p>When they're all standing in the alley – ready for Lily to make the big reveal – Robin catches Barney off guard, unknowingly amuses him by launching into her impression of what he's like the first thirty seconds after seeing a topless woman. It's really more a set of Neanderthal grunts and dumbfounded noises than an actual impression, but he gets the gist of it.<p>

He wasn't as bad as all that, was he? Then again, based on her experience with him, he probably was. He can't deny being hopelessly smitten by her. Always. And let's face it, there were nights together with Robin that were too x-rated for even the pages of Maxim. You can't blame a guy for being a little dazed and stupefied in the face of all that hotness.

But those are memories best left buried. Especially now that there's Nora. Especially since Robin's already made it clear there will be no "running back to the past". So he focuses on the here and now – because after all there is still a pair of boobs to see, even if they do belong to the wrong woman.

Later, after he's lost, when he's pouting over the horror of facing the next year – _an entire year_ – of wearing the hideous ducky tie, of course it is Robin who pulls him out of his funk, who brings a helpless smile to his lips. His feelings for Robin have always been helpless – vulnerable, powerless, completely beyond his control. He's like Charlie Brown and Robin's like the football, forever there just beyond his reach. But still he smiles with her, laughs with her, teases her because he can't resist. Because just like Charlie Brown, he's determined to keep on after that football if given half the chance, because maybe this will be the time he finally gets to touch it, to keep it.


	4. 704

**The Stinson Missile Crisis**

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><p>Robin sits at her desk, trapped in her own private prison, forced to watch Barney woo Nora in dozens of different annoying, sweet, disgusting, endearing ways. And as every female who works at World Wide News gushes and crowds around the pair, Robin can't help but see the contrast here, because this was never them. He never did things like this for her. The one time he tried it was so out of the ordinary she thought he was cheating on her.<p>

And that's just the thing. Flowers, chocolates, public serenades are so not Barney's style. Which means he's changing for her. He's giving up things _for her_. And it makes Robin want to scream, and yell, and curse the fates, and throw a tantrum for her own stupidity at figuring out she loved him just a second too late. But all she really does is end up crying under her desk, a sad, sobbing shell of the woman she used to be who was so strong, so independent, who no man could possibly touch. Why did she have to go and fall in love so deeply, so far beyond her control? Why did she have to need him? Why did she have to become _this_? This thing she used to make fun of. Now she's eating her own words.

But when she's dried her tears and pulled herself together, she realizes something. She's Robin Scherbatsky. Robin Damn Scherbatsky, who can take down any man at hockey, at drinking, at anything. She can certainly take down this woman. Helpless, innocent, naïve little Nora is no match for her. _She_ had Barney first. _She_ knows what makes him tick. There was a time when he wanted her more than his next breath. She's still seen that in him, seen it flare up now and then. She can tap into that again. She has to. So when the chance comes to send Nora away she jumps at it. She grabs onto her three day opening with both hands, hoping time alone with Barney is all that it will take.

In the end, it takes a lot more. The lengths he's willing to go to for Nora still sting beyond anything she's ever known. She helps him pack up wigs and urns and every outlandish play he's ever come up with and it hurts to know he had those things before her, after her, that he never saw fit to throw them away when he was with _her_. But there's something incongruent in the fact that he's doing all this for another woman but he's sharing it with her. The very worst and the very best of Barney are the two parts that Robin alone gets to see, and there's something hopeful in that, something that makes her think she's not out of the game yet.

Later they're at MacLaren's drinking scotch together, and it's always fun being with Barney. It always has been. But still nothing's happened between them, not a hint of 'what ifs' or 'what might have beens', no almost moments. And this is their last night together, her last chance. Barney thanks her for all her help, says no one else would do for him what she has – but then he backs it up by calling her 'a bro, a dude, a _man'_.

So much for being able to tap into his desire for her.

She's getting desperate here. He saw her femininity once. He must still have that buried somewhere in him. And this is _Barney_, Barney Stinson who could never resist a hot woman who's offering. So she pulls out all the stops, her last ditch effort, and suggests they get dressed up in revealing clothes, go out on the town together, get drunk and see where the night takes them. It's a blatant come-on, but in case he's missed it she rubs her hand over his chest to really drive the point home. He looks at her curiously, but then he smiles, leans in, and she knows he'll go with her. She knows they'll be drinking and dancing and _something_ will happen between them – and her heart skips a little beat of anticipation at the thought.

But then Nora comes back, one night early. They just never could get that timing thing down. Barney runs into Nora's arms, not hers, and once again her efforts are too little too late. Once again, she's reduced to crying under a table like the sad mess that she's become.

And that's when golden opportunity suddenly lands at her feet. It's like she's won the freakin' lottery. One minute she's drinking herself into a stupor with a near empty bottle by her side, and then the perfect package of blonde hair and perky boobs and wild-eyed desperation offers herself for the slaughter. And it's perfect. It couldn't be more perfect, because sex is just sex to Barney and she can't lose him to some random one-night-stand bimbo. So she loads the gun and pulls the trigger, even helps her loose a button or two to amp up the slut factor; she can't take any chances.

In the end, ironically, it's Ted who manages to talk sense into her, though he doesn't even realize it. _Sometimes love means taking a step back…if you care about somebody you should want them to be happy even if you wind up being left out_. That's when she realizes she can't go through with it. It's not that she wants Barney with Nora. He should be with _her_. But Barney has changed. He's evolved. And she loves him enough to know he deserves happiness, even if it isn't with her.

She can do this. She _has_ to do this, for him. That's Robin's mantra as she runs down the street like a crazy woman going to stop the one thing that might actually bring her happiness. No matter what, she has to do this for him. Because in this moment Barney is all that matters.

And later – after the assault; after the arrest; after the true lowest point of her life, when she knows she's lost everything that ever mattered and it's all her own fault – she can't believe how she's changed, how she's doing things she swore were never her, feeling things she was positive she could never feel or ever relate to. But she does and it's here, and she's hopelessly, sickeningly, Teddishly in love.

Timing really is a bitch, and she's not quite sure she can handle it. This time she's found something that really is just too much for her. But then the courts give her Kevin and she thinks, _maybe he can help_.


	5. 705

**Field Trip**

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><p>Kevin happens for a lot of reasons, none of them good, none of them right, none of them functional, but Robin doesn't let herself think about that. Kevin came along at a time when she was feeling lost, and rejected, and insecure, and so adrift. And suddenly there he was on the horizon, offering to throw her a lifeline.<p>

Of course then he wants to throw her back to the angry seas. He wants to abandon her like every other man has. So she can't be blamed for clinging on even tighter to what someone's trying to rip away. Again.

At first she's offended – disgusted even – at the idea of dating her therapist, of said therapist dropping her as a patient _in order_ to date her, but then he says he doesn't want to and she just wants to scream, _Why? Why does no one want me? _

But it turns out Kevin does, and that makes everything better because he thinks she's pretty and he thinks she's funny and he just wants to be with her, and it all makes her feel a little bit better about herself, a little bit better about losing Barney. Yes, Kevin's just the distraction she needs.

Deep down she knows that it's weird and not at all right, not just to be dating her former therapist but her former therapist _who knows she's in love with another man_. And sure she's told him that she's over it, but she doesn't really see how either one of them can honestly believe that. So when her friends all freak out on her, Robin gets all the more defensive, especially when Ted brings up the worst people she could possibly date: a list comprised solely of her therapist and Barney, the very two men in her life. She doesn't want to think about how messed up it all is, and she certainly doesn't want to compare the two of them. Kevin is her boyfriend now. That's right, her _boyfriend_, and it doesn't matter if everyone has a problem with it. That's just how it's going to be.

But three seconds later when Barney is mocking Ted, Robin joins in seamlessly. And when he smiles at her across the table she forgets Kevin even exists.

* * *

><p>Barney hates the idea of this Kevin guy. Who the hell is he and why does he think it's okay to take advantage of a woman this way? He loves Robin – <em>likes<em> her, you know, as a friend – but she's got her issues just like he's got his and it isn't right to play on that. It isn't right to date her. He shouldn't be dating her! He needs to stay the hell away from her.

Of course when Ted lists off the worst people Robin could possible date Barney can't argue the fact of his name making the top two. He wasn't exactly good for her either. Still the thought of Robin dating any man makes him want to smash something, definitely makes him want to break up with Nora more than he already did. Ewoks was just grasping at straws. This is actually a valid reason.

* * *

><p>Later, when Robin's trying to get hot and heavy with Kevin just to prove she can, Barney and Ted come bursting in. When Barney sees Kevin for the first time, he can't help sizing him up, can't resist getting a little dig in. She yells at them, kicks them both out, but the damage has been done.<p>

It should come as no surprise to Robin when she finds she can't quite bring herself to kiss her new "boyfriend". And across town, Barney is offering to bribe a focus group into telling him breaking up with Nora is the wisest decision.


	6. 706

**Mystery Vs. History**

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><p><em>There's something wrong with her<em>.

Five words spoken in unison and they're back in research mode. And there's suddenly an 'us' again: _Thanks to _us_ you ran screaming from that freakshow…..You need _us_._

Us. They're planning together, saying the exact same things at the exact same time, so in sync, and it feels like old times. Robin feels completely happy and alive for the first time in – well, since the last time she hung out alone with Barney, when Nora was in France. And Kevin sort of fades away into the background. The things he says are sweet. They're nice boosts to an ego that could definitely use some help as of late, but mostly he just becomes a dull hum overshadowed by the dazzling symphony that is Barney.

Robin just has to grin and shake her head because, seriously, who in the whole universe besides Barney makes baby fashion slideshows just to prove a point? He's insane, and ridiculous, and adorable. So it comes as all the more of a shock when Kevin suddenly goes postal and turns on them all. How can he attack them that way? How can he attack _Barney_ that way, Barney who'd done nothing and who really she had to agree with? So what if he wants to know the gender of Marshall and Lily's baby? So does she. And why is it such a big deal that they were looking up research on Ted's date? There's nothing wrong with friends being close, nothing wrong with wanting to be a part of each other's lives.

After Kevin's outburst followed by hers, once he's made amends by agreeing to paint the nursery, it's easy to ignore him again and go back to playing with Barney. And when Barney calls her over, invites her to come in close, she slides her arm over his shoulder and actually feels tingly – tingly like fourteen year old girls – when she leans into him. She doesn't know what's wrong with her, but she doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to analyze it. She just lets the rightness of it flood through her. And they're in perfect harmony again, talking in tune, even having a simultaneous spit take. They turn and look at each other, mouths agape, and it's hard to tell which is more fun, finding this information on Ted's date or just the way it feels to be around him this way again.

And then Barney's being Barney and somehow talking Marshall and Lily into letting him know the sex of their baby, information which of course he shares with her. They huddle together, giggling and joking like two little kids on the playground, and she wants to wrap her arms around him and squeeze him and never let him go.

But at the end of the night she has to, because he's with Nora now and she's with Kevin. And she's okay with that, really she is. But as they all congratulate Lily and Marshall, joining in a five person hug, Barney slings his arm over Robin's back and she returns the embrace – and Kevin is left decidedly out of the love.


	7. 707

**Noretta**

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><p>When Barney describes his plans with Nora for the night – including Booty Town, the Long Thighland Express Way, and Breastport – Robin drums her fingers on her scotch glass and feels a little like throwing up. It's bad enough that she – in some sick masochistic, self-torturing way – can't keep herself from picturing it whenever she sees the two of them together. The last thing she needs is to hear him describe it, brag about it in detail.<p>

But when Barney immediately follows it up by announcing that after two months he still hasn't slept with Nora, Robin is genuinely surprised. She'd just assumed they were having wild sex every night, because after all this _is_ Barney…..And that's what they did when they were dating.

Her first thought is, _thank god_. That is until she tells disobedient little inner-Robin to shut up and take a seat. She has Kevin now. And to prove it she rubs his arm, holds on to him tight, tells herself this doesn't hurt at all. But when James tells them he just doesn't like Barney with "that girl" she can't stop herself from passively aggressively chiming in about "her mousy little nose" and "the way she does everything perfectly". What's not to like, indeed.

Once she finally gets a hold of inner-Robin again, she plans a "date night" with Kevin, because Barney's not the only one with a significant other. But when it comes down to it, it's much easier to let herself feel sorry for Ted, to give herself that excuse for distance, than it is to go to Booty Town with Kevin. Looking after Ted, watching movies together and giving him a massage, _that_ feels comfortable, because they're friends and he needs her and sometimes it's nice having him there as a buffer in those moments when she's self-aware enough to realize she's playing a dangerous game here.

Later that night, when Barney tells them all he was successful in bedding Nora – complete with celebratory air guitar – Robin's heart breaks and bleeds a little more, but she holds all the tighter onto Kevin's arm.


	8. 708

**The Slutty Pumpkin Returns**

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><p>Robin can hardly contain her excitement when she reads the message from Barney's dad. It seems almost too good to be true and she has to skim it three times over before she'll trust she's reading it correctly.<p>

She has the reveal all planned, right down to the Canadian flag tucked away behind the blanket, but she still pulls out her phone and checks it one last time to be sure. But her eyes have not deceived her, and she absolutely cannot wait to tell Barney.

She looks right in his eyes as she delivers the news, can barely contain her glee. "Which makes you one quarter Canadian!" She says it with the kind of flourish she'd expect from him – and she's got year's worth of payback coming to her. "Welcome to the tribe, Hoser." She puts the little flag in his pocket, patting his chest fondly, and his horrified reaction makes it all the more worthwhile.

Robin spends the next few days plotting, scheming, thinking of ever more elaborate ways to harass Barney on this quarter-Canadian business. She's got a right, she tells herself. He tormented her on her Canadian-ness pretty much ever since they first met. When she blows Kevin off for the third time in favor of Barney-related shenanigans, she assures herself that this is all about revenge and has nothing to do with the sheer fun of simply teasing Barney, the little thrill of sparing with him, the tiny glow of happiness at knowing they share the same heritage – something he can never change, no matter how much he wants to deny it.

The Canadian whisky, the money in his wallet, it's all perfectly timed and planned and oh so wonderful. She even throws in the use of his own catchphrase, something that just came to her in the spur of the moment but made it that much more awesome. She can't remember the last time she had this much fun.

Because she's winning. Because she has the upper hand. Because this is a game and she's competitive. And that's the _only_ reason.

The idea for Halloween hits her in the middle of the night. She'd been trying to think of some way to top herself all day long and nothing seemed quite good enough. Then for some reason when she's lying in bed half asleep, caught up in the hazy world between reality and dream, she imagines herself there in her bedroom only suddenly Barney is there with her, dressed as a Canadian Mountie. She can see him from her vantage point where she lies in bed, suddenly naked, but he's in full uniform, complete with the hat and the gloves and the black boots….only in her mind's version he somehow has a whip and handcuffs too, but she discards those elements once she comes fully awake. She sits up in bed bolt upright, absolutely determined to find someway to see this in real life.

Ultimately, Robin decides to offer Barney a deal he can't refuse, one she knows he _will_ take. She'll offer to forever let go of all this Canada teasing, a heavy sacrifice but one that will be worth it just to see him in that costume. That's when the second thought occurs to her. Why doesn't she dress up too? True, she's never been one who bought into that sort of thing but won't it be so cute if Barney comes to the Halloween party dressed as a Canadian Mountie and she comes as a matching Canadian hockey player – a Vancouver Canuck? They can showcase the two prides of Canada, _their_ homeland. Barney will pout, of course, for being coerced into wearing it to begin with, but once he sees what _she_ is wearing he'll be so proud of her for finally dressing up; he'd been after her to do it for years but she always refused. The thought of the look on his face when he sees her cements it in her mind. She is so doing this.

It's at eight o'clock on Halloween night, when she's fully clad in a Canucks jersey, pulling her hair into pigtails, that Ted's words come back to haunt her. Maybe it's all the talk of him finding his Slutty Pumpkin again but she's suddenly reminded of what he said to her those six years ago. She had just broken up with Matt, or Mark, or something with an M – she distinctly remembered he dressed up as Hansel – and she was up the rooftop with Ted. She confessed to him how she thought she was wired wrong, how falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and all those coupley things were never going to be for her. That's when he told her there was nothing wrong with her. She just hadn't met the right man yet. _One day you're gonna met a guy who's gonna make you want to look like a complete idiot. _

Robin looked at herself in the mirror and her hand stilled from blacking out her teeth. She did look like a complete idiot. Ted was right. But at the time they both had no idea she'd already met that man and it would just take her years to figure it out.

An hour later when she's up at the rooftop party, giggly and full of excitement, calling Barney up because she literally cannot wait until he gets there, she doesn't even mind too much that he didn't wear her costume because he looks insanely hot in the one he's picked, even though it's little more than a pair of boxer shorts. But who's she kidding, that's exactly why she likes it.

And even though it turns out Ted was wrong about his Slutty Pumpkin, Robin knows he was right about her, and tonight, right now with Barney, she's too busy living in the moment to care about just exactly what that means.

They spend the rest of the night glued to each other's side, still playfully bickering now and then on his Canadian heritage. The beer they're drinking has washed off her covering so Robin's teeth are only a quarter blacked out in an odd, wavy zig-zag pattern. And Barney insists on half-boxing, half-wrestling with her to prove America's good name, and somewhere in the tussle when his arms wrap around her middle one of her pigtails comes half loose. And by the end of the night he's wearing her helmet and she's wearing his top hat…And she's never been happier to look like a stupid, goofy idiot.


	9. 709

**Disaster Averted**

* * *

><p>It all happens so fast.<p>

One minute they're talking about their sweet, perfect, almost-kiss in the rain. _When I let a day go by without talking to you that day is just no good_. It was easily the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her, all the more so coming from Barney.

Still, they agree what a mistake it would have been, how they've averted that disaster. They're laughing over what might have been, pretending….always pretending. And it's a joke. It's a game. Until suddenly it isn't.

The first second Barney's lips touch hers Robin doesn't know what to think. Her eyes remain open a moment, studying him, because this doesn't make any sense. She was so sure he loved Nora, so positive he didn't want her anymore. But the way he's kissing her says otherwise. Their lips break apart again, just for a millisecond really but long enough for the flavor of it, for the rightness of it, to fully sink in. Then they're lunging back together, mouths connecting, hands clutching onto to one another because – _finally_. Every part of them is screaming _FINALLY_. Their bodies, their hearts, are crying out to each other, _finally_. _Finally_ coming together, _finally_ what they've both wanted for so long. Desperation spins out of that 'finally'. Desperation takes over in heated kisses and caressing touches, and there's no stopping this once it's started.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Robin knows this is a mistake, but Barney's mouth is on hers and her heart is racing and she can't help herself. They spend the last half of the twenty-three minute drive from MacLaren's making out like teenagers until the cab jolts to a stop outside Barney's building. They're forced to break apart, to look at each other for the first time since this madness began. Everything hinges on this next moment.

And then Barney holds his hand out to Robin. He doesn't say a word, but they both know what he's inviting. She knows full well what she's accepting when she just as silently, just as surely, slips her hand into his.

Then it all goes by in a whirl. Barney opens the door and they climb out hand-in-hand. He tosses a bill to the cab driver. It could've been a fifty, might have been a hundred. He doesn't care. Her hand is in his for the first time in months and he's not letting go. They barely contain themselves through the lobby, make it hurriedly to the elevator, and by the time the doors slide shut he's pressing her back against the wall, his hands on her body, his tongue in her mouth.

When the plush little box comes to a stop, it's Robin who's pressing back against him, shuffling him toward the open doors. Her drive to get them inside his apartment is near unstoppable because it's not like they can really start anything in the elevator. Although they have done it in an elevator before; Marshall and Lily's building can bear witness to that. But there's no need for that now, not when Barney's place – Barney's king size bed – is so close.

Barney reaches into his pocket, fumbles with the key because he refuses to let Robin go, refuses to stop kissing her. He can't really. Then they're inside and the door is shut. There's no turning back. Not that either of them wants to.

The living room – the leather couch, the massive TV, the stormtrooper they once fought over – goes by in a blur, then the hallway, until they're standing before the closed door to his bedroom. He reaches for the knob but it's slow going because he's half out of his jacket and now it's Robin who's pressing him back against door, making it hard for him to move, making it hard for him to _want_ to, just generally making him hard.

The door springs open and they hurry inside, never breaking the kiss. Barney throws his jacket to the floor. Robin does the same with her scarf. Then their hands are back on one another, groping for purchase, trying to strip articles of clothing off as quickly as possible because they need to be naked together, _now_. They needed it yesterday, a year ago, two years ago.

Robin's coat is next to join their mini clothing pile, and now there's one less layer between them. Their mouths break apart a moment to focus on the undressing, and Barney naturally goes for the buttons on her blouse. It should be easy. He's undressed literally hundreds of women but this is Robin, and so his hands are shaking just a little and his eyes are distracted by each new inch of skin his fingers reveal.

His hands feel like heaven to Robin, brushing across the swells of her breasts, and it seems more important than ever to get them both out of these clothes. As he unbuttons her shirt she pulls the edges from her pants to help him along, then her hands reach for his belt. She manages to get it unfastened but then it's been too long, and their mouths collide again, no longer able to bear the distance of the few inches between them.

It's unclear which of them starts the momentum – perhaps it was a joint effort – but they tumble down onto the bed, arms around each other. Barney throws out a hand to break their fall and Robin takes the lead, climbing fully onto the bed, her knees on either side of his thighs, straddling him, as the kiss continues. She pushes him down flat onto his back, and Barney is content to let it ride this way for a while. His hands are free to skim over her body. Her shirt is undone. His belt is too. They're already half way there.

His fingers slip beneath her shirt, pulling it further open as they caress her bare stomach, the baby soft skin his open mouth used to glide across – that it soon would again. But his hands low on her abdomen, his fingers playing at the edge of her pants, make her start undulating against him as she kisses him, rocking against him steadily as her tongue plays with his, and it's too much for him. His hands slide down to her behind, pressing her further against him, increasing the contact, but even that isn't enough. So he flips her over, pins her hips down to the mattress and does some undulating of his own. She moans softly and he smiles against her lips. It's been two years but he hasn't forgotten all the things she likes. Many a night, he's relived them in his mind.

Somehow in all the kissing and grinding and generally driving each other crazy, he manages to maneuver them upright on the bed, pulls back the covers and gives her a soft pillow to lay her head on while he finishes undressing her. Wanting freedom of movement, he throws his suit coat haphazardly on the floor, not knowing or carrying where it lands. Then her open blouse is tossed to the opposite side of the bed and he pauses to admire her bra, the way it pushes her breasts up, making them spill over the cups. He gives himself a moment to feel the lace of it beneath his fingers before he turns his attention to her pants, to the knee-high boots that he's always thought make her look like a sex-kitten, that have always turned him on yet slow him down, taking that much longer to get her naked. The boots land at the foot of the bed, her pants atop her shirt.

He runs his hands up her bare legs, crawls back up her body. She's down to her bra and panties and it's like some sort of dream but before he can do anything more about it the unfairness of the situation strikes Robin. She loves his hands on her body, but she wants him bare just as badly. So she pushes up, rolls him beneath her, and sets to work on just that. He's already tie-less, so her fingers go straight to his buttons. Once she has his shirt open, her mouth goes to his neck, her hands to his pecs. She glides her fingers down to his abs, runs them up and over his chest, squeezing, feeling his muscles jump beneath her palms the way she wanted to when he walked around all Halloween night, shirtless and tempting.

Not wanting her to have to move her hands from his chest, Barney reaches around and frees his own arms, tosses the shirt over the side of the bed. But she moves anyway, going for his pants, which he's certainly not complaining about. He already kicked off his shoes and socks when he was removing hers, making it that much easier for Robin to strip him down. Her fingers go to his zipper and he grunts, jerks upward against her hand, so she slows down a moment, teases him, takes her time in lowering the zipper, in pushing his pants off. They fall alongside her boots, forgotten, no longer necessary, and he's left in nothing but his boxers, looking very happy to see her and making her eager for those to go as well.

She climbs back up to hover over him, then she's sliding off his boxers, touching him bare and he groans her name once, maybe twice, probably repeatedly. With one flick of his wrist her bra is undone and he takes control again, rolling her beneath him. His hands are on her, then his lips, and it's good, so good. It's _Barney_, Barney's hands and Barney's mouth. He's always known just how to work over her body until she's moaning and writhing beneath him. Robin holds his mouth to her skin, her hands buried in his hair, and now she's the one to sigh his name.

His hand slides down and back up her leg, skimming over her inner thigh, seeking, but coming against the last barrier between them. He hooks his thumbs into her panties, sliding them down as she lifts up her hips to help him. Then he's really touching her, and there's no hiding how much she wants him. No hiding it as his mouth slides over her chest, her neck, the little place beneath her ear that drives her crazy. He's kissing her everywhere and it's fantastic, so fantastic she thinks she might explode, but she wants him to explode with her, in her.

"Barney….._Barney_," she sighs, she pleads. She's about to say 'now' but he somehow anticipates her, reads her mind. He always just instinctively seems to know what she needs and when she needs it. He positions himself over, taking hold of her thighs, and they both make a little sound of approval as he slowly pushes inside her. His eyes are intent on hers all the while. There's no hint of 'turning it around' here. He's open and present, knowing exactly who he's with – overjoyed for who he's with – looking into her eyes, reading her, connecting with her in multiple ways.

He settles deep into her, making himself at home, before he moves just a little, just enough for them both to feel the friction of it. She gasps and he sucks air through his teeth and neither one takes their eyes off the other. He watches the change in her expression, watches the fire spark, as he repeats the movement. Eyes still intent on his, she wraps her legs high around his waist. He moves a little more this time, a little harder, and they both moan. There's a ghost of a smile on his lips, one she returns, because they both feel it, the power of it, the connection that goes beyond just sex. And they know, they both know it never has been – never will be – like this with anyone else. Then she moves her hands up to his face, pulls his mouth down on hers, and chemistry takes over.

They give themselves to one another freely, fully, and in that time there is no one else, nothing else. When it's all said and done, there will be hell to be. The timing's still not right. There's no way out of this unbroken. But for now all there is in the world is the two of them and it feels so right, so right in a world of wrong. And for now that's all that matters.


	10. 710

**Tick Tick Tick**

* * *

><p>He's moving with her, and there's something raw and hot and desperate about it. Something growing and building. Unstoppable. He's moving with her, in her, and Robin has wanted him for so long. Wanted, and wanted, and <em>wanted <em>him. Then he touches her, and that's all it takes. One brush of his hand over her body and she's breaking in waves, over and over again. And it's good. So good. It's them.

Somewhere in the midst of it she feels him come deep inside her and then they're both at rest. The calm after the storm. Her arms are wrapped over his shoulders, her legs still around his waist. She feels his breath against her skin where his face is buried in the hollow of her neck. He takes one long deep breath, then another, more steady, more recovered. He lazily kisses her neck, her collarbone, and in that second, with Barney still inside her, she knows nothing ever has or ever will feel so right. His lips brush her neck once more, gently, lingering. Then he pulls away, rolling onto his back beside her.

And that's when the voices begin. The moment contact is broken, that's when the doubt, and the fear, and the guilt take over. _What have you done? What were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all? _

She clutches the sheet to her bare chest, staring blankly ahead as it all hits her at once. She's in love with one man and dating another. And she cheated. They both just cheated. What does that make her? What does that make them? She's horrible. The worst person in the world. Lying there naked with Barney, her skin still cooling, she knows she's nothing more than a mess.

Just like her father always said.

Robin doesn't even know how she got here. She doesn't and she does. One minute they were kissing in the back of the cab and the next they were at his building, on their way upstairs, in his apartment, in his bedroom, and she was an active part of it all – kissing him, undressing him, touching him every bit as much as he was kissing, undressing and touching her. But she and Barney are a train wreck, a disaster together that just doesn't work. She's told herself this a thousand times over the past two months. So what is she doing in his bed? _In his bed. _She has a boyfriend, and there's no excuse, and she's a mess – and Kevin. Oh god, Kevin. Kevin, who's never been anything but understanding and sweet to her, even knowing of her feelings for another man. Kevin, who is right now across town at his mother's birthday party….while she's naked in bed with said other man, her body still tingling from their lovemaking. But her body just has to _stop_ tingling because she's a horrible, horrible person and she doesn't deserve tingles or anything else good.

"This might be the worst thing I've ever done," she mumbles.

And even as Barney's trying to make jokes, he suddenly remembers Nora and the fact that he cheated too. Robin's still freaking out with no clue what to do, but at the same time she can't resist picking at the scab because why is _he_ here in bed with her? Wasn't he supposed to be so committed to the girlfriend he only just remembered?

"Can I ask you, did this mean anything?"

His reply is instant and genuine. "Of course it did."

She blinks, her eyes widen, and she's truly taken aback because suddenly she's wondering if maybe she isn't the only one who's been playing games.

He tries to backtrack, and even though she instructed him to it still stings. "How could you say it meant nothing?"

"_Of course it meant something_," he repeats his original answer.

She suspects that he means it but still she replies, "No it didn't. It _can't_."

And that says it all, it can't. _They_ can't keep doing this. Starting and stopping, and almost and maybe. It's destructive. And now there are two innocent people involved. They've both started over. They have new stable mess-free lives, and didn't he constantly say 'new is always better'? Hadn't they agreed you can't run back to the past?

But as she gathers up her clothes she knows they aren't just running back to the past. This, what they just did, was nothing like the past. This was richer, deeper. This was everything she ever –

No, this was something she had to bury deep, deep down and never speak of ever again. Because it never happened. It was all just a big mistake.

* * *

><p>The next night, Robin discovers that's easier said than done. She can't handle this. She can't pretend. What's more shocking, Barney doesn't seem to <em>want<em> to. When he starts talking about the two of them starting a new life together she's as surprised as she is confused, but before he has time to explain Kevin and Nora arrive, and everything's a cover up from there until finally they decide they've got to tell them the truth.

But then Nora spills wine and Kevin ends up with a concussion and everything is such a huge mess. And all because of one night, one time together that's impossible to deny, or undo, or wipe away, because fate won't let them. Her heart won't let them. But wouldn't it be so much simpler if they could. "God, I wish last night never happened."

Robin can't quite believe what she's hearing when Barney boldly proclaims, "I don't…. What if this whole thing isn't the story of how we both made a huge mistake and ruined our relationships? What if it's actually the story of how we got back together?"

Her heart flips and skips and does something funny in her chest because this is exactly what she dreamt of hearing for weeks on end. But dreams and reality are two different things. It's one thing to want something. It's entirely different to actually reach out and take it. Because they did this. They already told this story once, and it had a horrible ending. Why will it be any different now? She's so unsure and scared and mixed up, and he's making all these overtures to her about how this is what they both want and they both haven't stopped thinking about each other.

And it's true, but all she can think in the moment is, "I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?"

He hesitates a little before answering, "I guess because you're almost as messed up as I am."

She smiles a little because she gets what he means, she really does. That the two of them are cut from the same cloth. They understand each other. They are so alike in so many ways. And it feels good to have found that other half of your whole. But at the same time, two wrongs don't make a right. Hadn't they learned that last night?

But still she agrees to meet him at MacLaren's at midnight because the heart wants what it wants, and she can't fight them both.

* * *

><p>At the hospital, Kevin is being examined and Robin is still uncertain, and afraid, and guilty as all hell, and so completely torn as to what to do – even more so now that she's outside of Barney's presence.<p>

None of this makes any sense. For months he was so sure about Nora, as recently as yesterday. And now he's so sure about them today. What will he be sure about tomorrow?

Yet she buries that fear, or at least pushes it away a little, and watches the clock like she's in some sappy old movie she once saw with Lily and never thought she'd be so excited to reenact.

And she's about to say it, about to say the words, "I slept with Barney. I'm in love with Barney", but then Kevin tells her he loves her. And she's _still_ trying to stop him, still trying to say it, until he says he doesn't want to know, that it doesn't matter.

That's what truly gives her pause. Mistakes don't matter? He doesn't even need to hear what she did? _And_ he doesn't think she's a bad person? That's when it hits her; he's such a good guy. A good, steady guy who loves her and will always treat her well. A good, safe man who will never, ever hurt her.

And she finds herself needing to ask that same question: "I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?"

When he finishes she's in tears because Kevin's is more than just a good answer; it's that he sees her as something better than what she is, that he wants her to see _herself_ that way too. Maybe he doesn't know her or fully understand her, but maybe that's okay. Maybe she needs to be – needs to _become_ – this better person that he sees.

_You're almost as messed up as I am_.

Barney's word echo in her mind. There was no 'I love you' from him. There was no 'I'm amazed by you'. Sure, he's told her beautiful things in the past, but that was then. Right now, tonight, he backed out of telling Nora the truth over a little spot of wine, and to be honest with herself she isn't one hundred percent certain if he'll even be at MacLaren's to meet her. He can't stop thinking about her. He wants to talk about 'us', but that isn't exactly ironclad.

_You're almost as messed up as I am_.

And that's just it. They _are_ both two mess, two messes who will just end up hurting each other again. She and Barney have been here before and it just ends in heartbreak. Their last break up nearly destroyed her. She cried for months. She still has no idea how their friendship somehow came out of it intact. And now she loves him even more than she did before. She literally doesn't think she can survive another break up with him. She knows their friendship can't.

With Barney there are no promises, no guarantees, no surety they can even make it past tomorrow. They only have the hope of today. A _beautiful_ today. But what happens when today is done? What happens if today ends the same way yesterday did? Who will be there to pick up the broken pieces of her heart and soul?

So when it comes to life and love and leaps, in the end she's just too afraid to take the chance.

* * *

><p>After the emergency room, she tries to brush Kevin off, but he's clingy after his 'I love you'. And there is that small matter of his concussion. If Barney is there waiting for her, she needs to see him alone, tell him alone that the answer is no, she just can't find the courage to try again.<p>

But if she does see him alone, she knows she'll tell him more than just that. She'll tell him the truth, the _full truth_. And he'll likely argue and say they _can_ make another go of it. And no matter what her resolve is now, she'll weaken. She always does when she's around him. And when they're alone, forget it. All sanity flies out the window, and she'll tell him that she loves him, tell him that she wants to be with him more than anything, and she'll wind up right back in his bed, the last place she ought to be.

So Robin shows up at MacLaren's with Kevin in tow, and the only explanation she gives Barney is a small shake of the head. In that moment, she can feel both their hearts break. And no matter what he says, she knows "I'm so sorry" will never, ever be good enough.

* * *

><p>Upstairs, as Barney is blowing out the candles and collecting the rose petals from Robin's bed – hiding the evidence of his broken heart, of his own stupidity, of how sure he'd been that they'd be spending the night here together– he wonders what he could have done, what he could have said differently that might have changed things, and his mind settles on her question back on the boat.<p>

She's been unsure then, skittish and afraid, asking for proof that their relationship wouldn't fall apart again. He could see that so clearly now, but at the time he only wanted to see hope, and light, and a future with the two of them together. She asked him them, "Why do you even like me?", and his answer had fallen far short. He should have told her how amazing she is. He should have told her how she's perfect just exactly _as_ she is. He should have told her how he adores her. He should have told her he doesn't just 'like' her, he _loves_ her – deeply, hopelessly, more than he even knew was possible.

And he planned on telling her all of that, he did. He was going to tell her tonight, beneath the candlelight, in the room where they used to wake up together, and then they were going to make love on a bed of roses, and the worst of life was going to be forever behind them. But now there would be no making love ever again. Now he would never have the chance to tell her. Now the worst for him had only just begun.


	11. 711

**The Rebound Girl**

She's late. Almost a week late, and she's never late. Robin's mind keeps screaming the reason why: she had sex with Barney – wild, passionate, _completely unprotected _sex with Barney. But she refuses to listen. Instead she chooses to latch on to Lily and Marshall's decision to move to Long Island. It's easier to deal with. It makes it easier for her to ignore and deny her own problems. And it does genuinely send her into a kind of a tailspin. Right now everything is confused, muddled, completely messed up. Everything is changing all at once. She feels like she's somehow stepped into quicksand and it's pulling at her, threatening to take her under.

Finally, Robin decides she can't stall any longer and makes an appointment with her doctor for the following Monday, hoping against hope that by the time the appointment rolls around she'll no longer need it. But on the morning of American Thanksgiving, when she still hasn't gotten her period, she can't take another sleepless night. She sneaks out of the apartment early, goes down the block to the 24-hour drug store and buys a pregnancy test. She's about to let herself back into the apartment, pee on the stick, and wait for her future to be unveiled, when she hears voices through the door. Ted is awake, which would be hard enough to explain, but not just Ted, _Barney_. She can't face Barney, not now. So she runs.

It seems like all she's been doing these past weeks is running. After the way she turned him down him, she's been doing her best to avoid him. Hanging out with Marshall and Lily a lot, excusing herself from the room, never under any circumstances allowing the two of them to be alone together. It's too awkward. It's too dangerous. It opens up too many possibilities of having the discussion she's just not ready to have yet. And that was before this little bombshell she may or may not have to tell him.

So she keeps on running, this time to Marshall and Lily's apartment where she catches a ride with them out to Long Island. The trip to their new house is quiet. Lily and Marshall assume it's because Robin's still angry about their potential move, but it's really because her mind is overwhelmed, busy wondering if she's pregnant. By the time they get through the door, she's had enough and immediately asks for their bathroom, announces she's locking herself inside until they agree never to move. And she thinks she actually will. She's not ready to face the world yet, particularly a world where she won't have Lily right nearby for support.

It takes her ten minutes of standing in the bathroom and staring before she decides not to take the test buried at the bottom of her purse. No matter what they say on those nauseating TV commercials, over the counter tests are not one hundred percent reliable. She learned that from Lily's false positive last year. In something as important as this total accuracy is essential. At least that's what she tells herself. The truth is she's just not ready to see the word she knows – _absolutely_ _knows_, because her body has never been wrong – is coming: "pregnant".

There's no other explanation.

She's pregnant.

It was only three short years ago that she'd begun to warm to the idea of children at all – _anyone's_ children. At the time she'd put off the idea of even thinking about having one herself until she was seventy. Then when Lily announced she was pregnant and the idea of a cute little baby with chubby cheeks and tiny little socks became a very real part of her world – albeit it through her best girlfriend – she still didn't want that for herself but thought maybe she shouldn't close the door completely. There would be time enough to decide, to consider and reconsider, years down the road if she ever so desired.

But now she's going to have to start thinking about a baby _today_, right this minute. Because she's pregnant.

She's pregnant with _Barney's_ baby.

Oh god. What is she going to do? How is she going to tell him? After what happened – or, more to the point, what _didn't_ happen – the night after the infamous unprotected sex they aren't exactly on the best of terms. They haven't spoken more than two words to each other since the cruise, and she honestly isn't sure if they're even still friends.

And this is _Barney Stinson_, who's disgusted by the idea of marriage and happy enough for others but terrified at the concept of having a child himself. To have this baby – _their_ baby – now, after everything that's happened between them? He probably hates her. He'll probably run screaming from the room, swearing he's never seen her before in his life.

Uggh! She cannot deal with this. She wanted to go back to her safe, secure denial. She wanted to pretend their night together never happened. She wanted to make it just go away. And now it never will.

Of course that was logic talking, logic and fear that screamed she should simply forget. Her heart and body wanted nothing more than for it to happen again, repeatedly, for the rest of her life. Really, if she allows herself one truly open, honest moment of retrospection in all of this she knows if there's any man in the world whose baby she'd want to have it would be Barney's.

And now she is.

Robin's hand goes to her abdomen and settles there as she sits down on the closed toilet, the reality of the situation truly sinking in. She and Barney made a baby. It's inside of her right now, forming and growing. In a few short months it will be a living and breathing, tiny little human that they created. Together. For a moment, just a moment, she lets herself imagine what that will be like. She sees a beautiful little baby with a mop of blond curls wearing an impossibly tiny little suit his father had custom-tailored because Stinson men suited up even straight out of the womb. Her heart lurches and she buries her face in her hands, surprised to find her fingers coming away wet. She's crying, crying at the picture it makes, the picture _they_ make, the picture that the secret, traditional, romantic parts of herself she keeps hidden away immediately grab on to.

But reality won't be like that. In reality it will be a screaming, crying, pooping, spewing, demanding thing that hinders their lives in every possible avenue. How can she focus on her career with a baby to take care of? How can she travel the world? How can they hang out drinking scotch at MacLaren's all night, fall into bed together at two in the morning and stay there until they're good and ready to get up the next morning? Their lives would have to change completely…

And now the stress must be truly getting to her because what is she even thinking? There's no 'they'. There's no 'their'. She isn't even with Barney. She turned him down. They are estranged at best. And she's with Kevin now. Kevin. _Oh god, she's still with Kevin_. How did her life become such a mess, and what the hell is she going to do about it?

Forty-five minutes later Robin has yet to discover the answer, but Marshall showing up at the window with a plate of cheese somehow helps. When he asks her what this is really about – her total freak out, her bathroom barricade – a part of her wants to spill it all just so she doesn't have to deal with this alone. But she knows she can't do that. She's already resolved not to tell Barney, at least not until later, after she's gone to the doctor, when she truly knows for absolutely sure. Besides, she wants to cringe just imagining the awkwardness of sitting through one of Lily's long, formal Thanksgiving dinners after dropping that bombshell. So in the end she just sticks with needing them more than they know, because it's a non-answer and yet it's true.

Another half an hour later, she still doesn't know what to make of anything, but as she spreads cheese across a butter cracker the image of that curly-haired little baby floats across her mind again. She blinks it away, not quite ready to deal with it yet, preferring instead to focus on the proper cheese to cracker ratio. It's then that she hears a tapping on the window and looks up to find the face of the man she most wants and doesn't want to see.

Robin lets him in and they exchange pleasantries. There's an awkwardness there that she hates because it's all her fault, and the one thing she feared most in all of this was losing his friendship. So when he tentatively asks if they're still friends, she can't keep a little of the emotion from leaking out when she replies, "Hope so". He sighs, says that's good, and it touches her heart that he seems to hate the awkwardness too. It brings to mind that almost-kiss in the rain this summer when he told her, "When I let a day go by without talking to you that day is just no good".

He sits down on the tub next to her and it's the closest they've been since the night they almost got back together. It feels strange and yet good…._right_, like coming back home again after a long time away.

Before she has time to contemplate what that means though, Barney mentions the word 'baby' and the world stops in its tracks. Ted was thinking about adopting a baby?

...Babies, babies, everywhere she goes. There's no escaping it…..

And somehow Barney was involved in it too?

This is fate's way of telling her she's wrong; she's keeping too many secrets. Secrets like: _I DO want to get back together with you_. Secrets like: _I only stayed with Kevin because I was scared and he was the safe choice_. Secrets like: _I love you_. _I'm carrying your child_.

Then Barney says how ridiculous it would be. "Can you imagine _me_ being someone's dad?"

It's all too much. Before she can stop them she finds the words blurting from her lips. "I'm pregnant."

And there's one less secret to tell.


	12. 712

**Symphony Of Illumination**

Robin's pregnant.

Barney doesn't know what to think, what to say, but he does know that – just like that – his chances with her went from slim to nonexistent. Because they only slept together once, and by now she must have slept with Kevin countless times, and she's carrying _his_ child. Kevin's child. Kevin, who she already chose over him. Kevin who gets to live all the moments with Robin that should have been his. It's enough to make bile rise in his throat. It's enough to make him want to duck back out the window and find something to smash. It's enough to make him want to truly give up forever – on love, on the future, on ever finding any kind of happiness.

So he makes jokes, little quips about her gaining weight and her boobs not seeming to notice. And even as she keeps punching him for his rude insults he keeps making them, because at this point it's either laugh or cry and he's not going to fall apart in front of her. If he didn't before, he's certainly not going to now.

But when Robin swears Barney to secrecy he can't help but dig a little. He can't help but mention Kevin. He can't help but fish for what he really wants to know: if the luckiest man in the world has any idea how much luckier he just got.

That's when she tells him she never slept with Kevin. This baby she's carrying is his.

_If I'm pregnant, you're the dad_.

Her words keep echoing in his mind and he freezes for a moment, going stock-still, until all the joy comes bursting out. "That's….._wonderful_."

And now it's Robin's turn to pass out.

He tends to her, gets her back up and on her feet, pampers her as discreetly as he can throughout the rest of the evening, and tries to keep at least a partial lid on his elation. After all, no one is supposed to know. He's supposed to be a man going through a heart-wrenchingly painful break up. And just a few hours ago he _was_. But now with one little Barnacle sperm penetrating – _what up_ – her egg everything has changed, and it's almost impossible to hide his happiness. So much of what he's learned in the past hours is a total game changer.

After almost two months Robin hasn't slept with Kevin. Robin's sexual escapades are nowhere near his own, not even in the same ballpark, but she's always been free and open and in touch with her own sexuality – and he loves that about her. In the six plus years since he met her, she's been known to sleep with a guy on the first date, especially hockey players. She's had the occasional one-night stand with a guy she barely knows and will never call again. Sex can be just sex to Robin; she's like a dude that way. She likes it. She wants it. She was the only woman who could ever truly keep up with him. There is no way she would go out with a guy for almost two months and never have sex with him, not unless there was something seriously wrong in that relationship. And Barney's male ego can't help but be stroked at the very fact that _she_ had stroked _him_. After two months Kevin couldn't get anywhere with her, but one shared cab ride all alone with _him_ and the two of them are going to town on each other.

And now she's carrying his baby, _their_ baby. It's a funny and curious concept. He'd only just begun to think about children recently – very recently. Once he met his father and made peace with all that, he'd started to think about changing, about settling down. Only one woman came to mind then and only one woman still comes to mind now. Then after he met Nora's father, after hearing the man speak of love and best friends and soul mates, he knew Robin was his. It was as simple as that. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. And when he began thinking about that_ –_ about the two of them together in the future; thoughts of forever and marriage – thoughts of children naturally followed. Because isn't that what married people do? Live together, make babies. According to every functional example he'd ever seen, that's what's supposed to happen next.

Now that Robin is having his baby that means they're one step closer. Surely it means she'll have to break up with Kevin. There's no way the guy will stay in a sexless relationship with a woman who's carrying another man's child. And with Kevin gone and their baby on the way, it will be so much easier to win her back, so much easier to show her why it's worth trying again.

So the following Sunday at MacLaren's, when he has to wrestle scotch away from her, when she tells him she never wants to have kids – _ever_ – including this baby, he has to make her see things differently. He understands where she's coming from, he really does. He knows next to nothing about kids himself. They can be a handful and, honestly, a nuisance – throwing up on Armani suits, wetting themselves, crying when you try to take them to laser tag, and under no circumstances would Barney Stinson ever touch poop – but babies can be cute, sometimes; _their_ baby certainly would be. And eventually they grow up into older, more manageable children you can suit up and teach how to live. He knows Robin never wanted kids. He knows she's unhappy about this and he's to blame.

He'd never had unprotected sex in his life, but their night together was wild and passionate and he'd wanted to be inside her more than he wanted his next breath. He was so swept away by it, by _her_, that the thought truly never occurred to him. Now Robin's unhappily living with the consequences and he has to show her that this can be a good thing, for the both of them – for the both of them _together_.

But that plan backfires the moment he runs into Insane Dwayne at We B Babies. There is nothing insane about him anymore. He's a tired, haggard, broken shell of the man he used to be – and his wife looks even worse. Having kids literally ruined his life. There's no freedom. There's no fun. There's probably no sex other than the few times it took to make the little monsters. There's nothing but "playdates, preschool, and poop". And suddenly being just Uncle Barney and nothing more has never looked better to him in his life.

So the next day when Robin's doctor tells them it was all a false alarm, an epic happy dance _MUST_ be performed.

Barney doesn't want a baby, not even with Robin. He doesn't want to be a father, not now that he's seen the cold, hard reality of it. But he still wants to be with her. He still wants that future with her that he's been imagining. And he knows, he's fully aware that now that there is no baby his chances with her went right back to what they'd been before, but he isn't giving up. That's why the next week, back at We B Babies – now free of the burden of parenthood themselves – Barney broaches the subject of the past few weeks and only half-jokingly introduces the idea of them as friends with benefits. He wants so much more but if sex is how he'll get her, he'll take her any way he can; that grew into a relationship before. It can happen again. So he's perfectly serious when he says, "We'll talk about it later", because their 'later' was eventually going to come. It _had_ to.

* * *

><p><em>No, you can't have a baby<em>.

It's difficult for Robin to wrap her mind around why those words hit her so hard. She didn't – she _doesn't_ – want a baby, so it shouldn't even matter to her that she can't have one. If anything it should set her mind at ease. No more false alarms like the one she and Barney just lived through.

But the thing is, she wants what she wants when she wants it. That's what freedom of choice is all about. And she likes to keep her options open, because what she wants today may not be what she wants tomorrow. You just don't know. Life is crazy that way. For years she swore she was wired wrong, that she simply wasn't the kind of woman who could ever fall madly, ridiculously, hopelessly in love. And then along came Barney Stinson. So maybe if someday she changed her mind – even if she couldn't ever see that happening now – she liked knowing that possibility was out there.

But now it wasn't. That door had been forever closed.

Robin hates the word 'never'. 'Maybe' and 'someday', that's what she thrives on. The hidden-most part of her heart always lives on the hope of those words. _Maybe_ her father will learn to appreciate her as she is. _Someday_ she will become a famous journalist. _Maybe_ in the future she can tell Barney how she feels. _Someday_, _maybe_ she'll find the courage for them to try again. And _maybe_ they'll get married. _Maybe_ years down the line they might want to have children, little creations all their own that are part him and part her, literally _them_, literally born out of their love.

Even now, just the week before, she'd hated the idea of being pregnant, hated the thought of raising a baby. But there was a definite part of her that really loved the idea of sharing something with Barney, something that forever tied them inexorably together.

As Robin sits in the park being pelted with snow, drowning her sorrows in spiked eggnog, watching her imaginary children with Barney forever fade away into nothingness, though the children are pretend the pain is real. She's grieving for something that never existed – that she never even _wanted_ before – which is totally crazy, but there it is.

And she finds she still wants that imaginary life. She's had to say goodbye, had to forever let go of their suited-up blond son and brunette pop-singing daughter. But the rest of it….she still wants the rest of it. That's why it's the very last thing to fade away, that feminized Barney/Robin version of his apartment. Her mind and heart are most reluctant to let that go. But could Barney ever want that? He'd made a few subtle overtures to her, references to breaking up with Kevin, to being friends with benefits. But could he ever want that imaginary life _without_ the son and daughter? He was so excited about the two of them having a baby, so clear about his desire to be a father – something which now she could never provide. Something which she realized she maybe perhaps might have given him someday way down the line – at least could have been open to a discussion – if it made him happy, but now the choice is no longer hers. And maybe that's the difference between being with him and losing him forever.

The thought makes her wish she hadn't run out of eggnog. The thought stabs her like a knife to the heart the entire walk home. But it doesn't matter now anyway, whether he would still want her, even without babies. If she'd been pregnant their child could have – _would have_ – brought them back together; it was inevitable. There's no room for fear holding you back when another little human is growing inside you, a human the two of you made together. But she isn't pregnant. Will never be pregnant. With nothing to push her, nothing to force her, and now grieving the loss of something she never truly had, she's more lost than ever before. And she knows herself. She knows what she'll do. She'll go right on in fear and indecision and denial, keep everything bottled up, and continue to see Kevin because it's easier, it's safer that way. No one can get hurt that way, at least any more than they already are; than _she_ already is.

And Barney will move on without her.

Though she said she doesn't want or need his cheering, Robin's glad beyond words that Ted is still there when she comes home. It's nice, it's _necessary_ even, in that one moment to have someone to fall apart to. And she wants to tell him. She wants to tell _someone_, let someone help her sort this all out. But she can't. Like always – just like she knew she would – she keeps it inside and vows to handle this herself, because that's just what a Scherbatsky does.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I have a holiday companion piece to this episode that takes up where 7.12 ends called, "Christmas Cheer".


	13. 713

**Tailgate**

As Robin stands in Time's Square on New Year's Eve, trying to get a wasted Sandy Rivers pulled together enough to go on camera, she can't help letting a few of her own frustrations out, though Sandy won't understand or care. Perhaps that's why she _can_ let them out now.

"To be honest, it hasn't been an easy couple of months for me. I've made mistakes. I've felt alone. I had to let go of dreams I didn't even know I had. So here's the deal, you're gonna go back on air and count us down into a better year. Because I just can't do 2011 anymore!"

It feels good, cathartic, to let a little of the truth out, even if it is just to open air.

Because she _has_ made mistakes, plenty of them, and now she's finally allowing herself to admit it, sort of. Chief among them is Kevin. He's a good guy, a sweet man…..but. That's just it, 'but'. With Kevin, there is a huge glaring BUT. He's so nice to her, and he doesn't think she's a mess. He sees something great in her and he just wants to help her bring it out. It feels comfortable and nice to know she has someone she can count on to be there and never to hurt her. Someone she doesn't exactly confide in. Something that doesn't necessarily heal the wound, but it's nice to have that security of knowing it's there to lean on…And she just described a crutch. Isn't that telling? Kevin is a great many things, all of them perfect in theory, but their relationship comes along with too many 'buts' to count: but he doesn't truly understand her; but she really _is_ a mess; but she's been lying to him; but she cheated on him; but he really _does_ need to hear it. But he isn't Barney. That last one is the loudest 'but' of all.

Yet she continues dating him, because once you're on a merry-go-round it's hard to get off. And it really is nice to have that safety crutch. Aren't crutches what they give to broken people? Why is that so wrong? But the guilt still gets to her sometimes, makes her heart scream, _What the hell are you doing, Scherbatsky_? Because she cares about Kevin, she really does. It isn't the way he thinks, the way he wants. She isn't in love with him and never can be, but she does care about him and she doesn't want to see him hurt, though at the very same time she knows eventually he will be. Nothing about this is fair to him, and in the quiet of night, after she's sent him home, it makes her hate herself a little.

Tonight, he'd said his New Year's resolution was to make a sex tape. She knows he wants sex, not just for the sake of sex – okay that's part of it – but also because he wants more than to just be kept at arm's length. He feels the distance she always maintains; how can he not? But how can she sleep with one man while she's still desperately in love with another? How can she accept his touch when it's another's that she craves?

She'd tried once, back in October, after Barney'd announced to them all that he slept with Nora. What was good enough for him was good enough for her; _she_ could move on too. So she'd tried to have sex with Kevin. And it was an unmitigated disaster. In the past, she'd always been able to have mindless, meaningless sex if she wanted. Barney had praised that as one of the most 'bro-like' things about her. But that night she discovered somehow now she can't anymore. And it was awful. She let him kiss her and touch her, and not only could she not get into it, the entire time she kept wanting to push him away. Even deep in denial, she was conscious of the significance of that. Then, in a moment of desperation, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to pretend; to pretend it was Barney's mouth on her neck, his hand on her breast. For a second it started to get a little good, but then she made the mistake of opening her eyes, of seeing the man she was really with, and the wrongness of it all – of the love that wouldn't go away; of the entire situation the four of them were enmeshed in; of what she was attempting to do that night – the wrongness overwhelmed her and made her sick inside. She started to cry….actually more like weep uncontrollably. Kevin never asked her what was the matter, but from that night on he's never again tried anything but the occasional chaste kiss.

And then there's Barney, her other mistake. Her favorite mistake. And now she's really a mess because she's started thinking in terms of Sheryl Crow songs, but still it's true. Barney _is_ her favorite mistake. But can you even call it a mistake when you continue doing it over and over again? This may have been the first time she went so far as to actually sleep with him – she blamed it on the kissing; when could they ever stop at just kissing? – but ever since last fall, for almost a year and a half now, they keep dancing around each other, having an endless stream of "almost" moments, stepping close to flirt with the fire simply to feel the heat of it. She keeps going back to him time and time again, helplessly drawn. Because the heart wants what it wants, logic be damned. Yet she's always been a woman of logic, of reason over emotion, so where does she go from here?

What's worse is that having sex with Barney this last time wasn't like before. It was, but it wasn't. All the other times it was fantastic. They were electric together and it was undoubtedly the best sex of her life. But this time, this latest time, it was so much..._more_. The connection between them was so much deeper and more intense. She'd never felt anything like it before. It was as terrifying and it was amazing. Because if he could make her feel like that in just one time together what would it be like night after night? How much of her heart would he take, would he own forever, that she could never get back? And what would happen if she grew used to that, the pure happiness of it, and then it all went away again and they went back to being just friends – or this time very likely something even less? Could she ever live through the pain of that? Could she even exist in a world where he wasn't in her life at all? She couldn't take that risk. That's why cheating with him, sleeping with him at all, had been a mistake.

And her dream – the dream she had to let go of – well, that remained one massive, confusing contradiction because she still didn't know if she would ever actually want it in reality, even years down the line. Yet something about it appealed to her in theory, the thought of living happily ever after with Barney, sharing everything with him – a home, a life, a love, even sharing DNA, making children with him. His children, _their_ children. But either way, it was now something that never could be, a choice she'd never have to make because it had already been decided for her. Maybe that was the hardest part of all.

So what she'd said to Sandy was true; she had felt alone, never so much as in the weeks following hearing those words in her doctor's office. But sometimes, in her darker moments, she thinks maybe she _deserves_ to feel alone. Maybe her infertility is some sort of cosmic punishment – undoubtedly that's what Marshall would think. After all, she cheated on Kevin; she cheated with a man who was dating the woman she'd once called her friend; she's still lying to Kevin; in many ways she refuses to let herself acknowledge she's using Kevin; and she hadn't been much better to Barney, leaving him with little more than a shake of the head as an explanation. But at least there she had guilt and fear as an excuse. She has none where Kevin is concerned, not any that are good enough.

Still there's something inside her that says maybe it isn't too late to leave all that behind. This is the start of a new year, a new hope, and maybe in 2012 she can finally become the woman she wants to be.

* * *

><p>Barney stands in Ted's apartment – aka Puzzles – and looks over at Kevin, the man who'd tried to horn in on his and Ted's dream of opening a bar, the man who'd ruined their theme song, who was still trying to ruin their fun…..and who was currently dating the love of his life.<p>

He doesn't feel threatened by Kevin, not exactly. Knowingly or not, Robin admitted a lot to him on Thanksgiving when she told him she was pregnant. In establishing the paternity of their child that never was to be, she also revealed so much more, because Robin has never in her life dated a guy for months without sex being involved. If she isn't sleeping with a guy, she isn't truly interested in him. Period.

Barney can think of a host of others reasons Robin may be keeping Kevin around, but being in love with him isn't one of them. So Kevin doesn't threaten him, mostly because he's an insignificant obstacle. Kevin isn't the real thing keeping him and Robin apart; that's all her.

Still his very connection to her guarantees a general dislike on Barney's part. Kevin's a nuisance not a threat, but that doesn't keep Barney from occasionally wanting to squash him like a bug, like an annoying little gnat that refuses to just go away no matter how many times it gets swatted at, politely maybe but swatted at nonetheless. By him, by Ted – hell, even by Robin, when you really think about it. With Don, Robin made an effort, an effort that both incensed and alarmed Barney. But with Kevin, she's not even trying. She's just going through the motions, and it's amazing that a guy who prides himself on being so perceptive can't see that.

So no, Kevin isn't the true obstacle or the real cause of his pain, but still the fact of him is like salt in the wound, and his presence feels that way all night long. Which is what leads Barney to the decision that the best way to remove the sting of it is to have some random, hot, drunk chick rub it off right here in Puzzles V.I.P room.

* * *

><p>Back in Time's Square, Robin can't find Sandy anywhere, and she's faced with a dilemma. Should she go on the air herself? Does she really have a choice? They're going back live in less than five minutes, and she feels like her past and her future are colliding. She went into journalism to make a difference in the world, but mostly she's always been just a joke. That's certainly how Sandy sees her.<p>

But Kevin believes in her…..Then again, he doesn't really know her or what she's capable of. Sure, she let him in on a lot of things she's kept hidden from others, but that was when he was her therapist. As her boyfriend, he has no clue of the secrets she's keeping, of this whole other destructive side to her. The mess, the confusion, the self-sabotage, the denial, the lies – not to mention the love for another man – she buries down deep.

But Barney believes in her too. He's encouraged her career more than any of the others. And he knows her secrets, almost all of them anyway. He knows the best and the worst of her, and he's still always been her number one fan – whether as Robin Scherbatsky, anchorwoman extraordinaire; or Robin Sparkles, Canadian teen superstar; or even ex-girlfriend Robin, who used to throw plates at him but for some reason he still wanted to have another go with.

Yes, she can do this. She hasn't lost all of the old, determined, take charge, confidant – or at least able to fake it really well – Robin Scherbatsky. She's been in there all the while, just waiting for the right time to come out. She's going to show the people at Metro News One and _Come On, Get Up New York!_, every last one of them who never believed in her, that you can't keep a good woman down. It's taken her a long time – too damn long – to get here, but isn't that what life is all about; finding the right timing? Well this is finally hers. She's going to reach out and grab it with both hands. And for the first time in a long time she finds she isn't afraid to try.

* * *

><p>It's only minutes to midnight by the time everyone's left and Puzzles becomes Ted's apartment again. They turn on the TV to World Wide News, prepared to welcome in another year, when Barney looks down and really pays attention to the screen. And there's Robin, on camera once again, as breathtaking as the first time he saw her light up the screen back on Metro News One. Even more so, because now he knows her, really knows the woman inside that stunning package.<p>

"Oh my god." Barney points at the TV to show Ted and sits down to watch, a wide grin stretching across his face. He hears her talk about being groped and thrown up on, yet she's one hundred percent professionalism. Complete connectitude. And if there's ever been anything in his life that's possimpible truly it's her. He feels almost giddy as he counts down into 2012 with Robin because he's never been more proud of her. This is one of a thousand memories of her he'll never forget.

Another such memory, the one he just can't seem to get out of his head or heart – the one that even now flashes across his mind at the stroke of midnight – is of the two of them together two months ago. He can still vividly recall it, the sights, the sounds, the sensation of it. The imagery runs through his mind on a constant loop, sent to torture him night after night. And he can still feel it, everything about it: her fingers in his hair; her hands warm and hungry on his body; the look on her face, in her eyes, when he presses inside her for the first time in two years; her legs wrapped around him; her fingertips running over his back, curling into his skin as they move together….the sound of his name on her lips, sweet and desperate and full of surrender, as she comes.

The memory of making love with her that night will follow him to his grave.

This new memory of her now isn't private, or intimate, or special just between them, but this image of Robin – beautiful and strong and smiling, finally back where she belongs, sharing her brightness with the world – seems somehow important too.

He turns away a moment to share a New-Year's-Five with Ted and sees Kevin from the corner of his eye, awkwardly left out on the other side of the couch, ironically sitting on the very same cushion where Robin had once ridden Barney's Zamboni – it wasn't a euphemism, that was literally the game they were playing when Ted came home early and caught them; dude wouldn't sit in that spot for a least a good three weeks.

Barney hadn't missed Kevin's "That's my girl" comment. He almost feels sorry for the guy. Almost. After all, he does get to hold the title of Robin's "boyfriend", maybe doesn't get to have mind-blowing sex with her but he at least gets to kiss her now and then. In the nearly three months he's known the man, he's had the unfortunate displeasure of witnessing it once or twice. That alone is worth envying him to the point of hatred. Still he's one pitiable bastard to think, to actually _believe_, that Robin Scherbatsky will ever be anyone's girl. Just like no one can ever say, "Who's your daddy" to her, no one will ever truly own her either. She's too much her own woman. And that's as it should be. He wants a partner, not a possession. He wants _her_, every part of her, just as she is….

Well, his bruised heart corrects, maybe not exactly as she is. He wishes more than anything to add one singular provision to Robin: the ability to find the courage in her heart to give their relationship a fresh start along with the New Year.


	14. 714

**46 Minutes**

After the New Years Eve broadcast is through – and, somehow, remarkably it wasn't a complete disaster – Robin's free to breathe a sigh of relief and start thinking about some New Year's resolutions of her own. Whichever way she looks at it, the bottom line is she made her decision. She chose Kevin. And no matter what's happened since then, or what her heart may be telling her otherwise, she needs to be committed to her choice. Because Barney is a dangerous road, one she's been down once before and knows the pitfalls well. She's certain it would be no different now. That road can only lead to heartache and ruined friendship. So she determines to recommit herself – or, honestly, just for the first time – to this relationship with Kevin, to really trying to make it work.

When she comes home New Year's Day at two in the morning, Kevin's there waiting for her, and it seems like a sign. He tells her the truth about how he hid Sandy so she'd have a chance to go back on the air. It was such a sweet thing to do. And it's things like this, like that speech he gave her months ago in the emergency room, that prove how nice he is, how good he is to her, how good he could be _for_ her. This just solidifies her earlier conclusion that she made the right choice. Staying with Kevin, really being with him this time, is the responsible, mature, rational thing to do. It's the best thing for her.

And so she lets him take her to bed that night, partly because he's been so nice to her and mostly because that's what she should be doing. They've been dating for months now. And that's what couples do; they have sex with each other. It's certainly what she does with a man she's dating, for much less than the time she's been with Kevin – sometimes even with a man she's just been seeing since the start of that night. So there should be no reason why she isn't sleeping with Kevin now. None whatsoever. Unless, of course, it's because she has feelings for another man – which she shouldn't. Or, rather, she _doesn_'_t_. Can't. Won't.

So she sleeps with Kevin, and afterwards Robin's actually rather proud of herself. She's proved she can do this. She can make positive steps towards moving on from Barney, towards making this relationship with Kevin work for real. But when Kevin falls asleep, holding her smotheringly close to him, she can't help feeling empty and lost and decidedly uncomfortable – with more than just the sleeping arrangement. As it closes in on dawn and she's still wide awake, Robin has a sickening feeling that it's herself – her choices – she's truly uncomfortable with.

Still as the days go on, she continues in the hope that this new intimacy will strengthen their relationship. Maybe this was the thing that was missing, and now that she's allowing him that closeness it will fix all the wrongs and make them right. So, over the next two weeks, she throws herself into the relationship harder than ever before. She spends every moment with Kevin, doing whatever he suggests, no matter how mundane or absurd, because that's what couples do. And she wants him to like her. He has to like her. Wouldn't that just be the ultimate irony if after all this he left her too? He's supposed to be her stable, safe, rational choice so she _has_ to make this work, because if she can't make it in a relationship with someone as normal and steady as Kevin, then there truly is no hope for her.

And it's going along well. So she's not exactly thrilled with things with Kevin. So she's not overflowing with happiness when she's with him. So what? That sort of emotion is meant for books, and movies, and Ted's delusions. That's the sort of thing that gets you hurt. This is real life, and in the real world this thing with Kevin has all the earmarks of a relationship that can work. They get along and he treats her well. He's not going to change his mind in a few months, or start missing being single, or start resenting her for tying him down. She's not going to have to worry about what he's doing each night, or if maybe his attraction to her is starting to waver. She won't have to wonder if he might grow tired of her, if he might fall out of love. If he was ever truly in love to begin with. In short, he can't hurt her. If this whole thing goes North tomorrow, she can walk away without the ache of that soul-deep pain that follows you for the rest of you life. But that's not going to happen anyway because they have all the necessary requirements for a lasting relationship.

Mainly, they're both not a mess.

But just when it's starting to feel like maybe she's finally heading in a positive direction, Robin finds out Lily's leaving – and it's just more of life dumping on her. She's depressed all over again and can't seem to shake it, and for the first time in many long weeks she starts to wonder if maybe keeping everything bottle up inside and pretending normalcy is really the wisest thing to do.

Then Barney promotes himself the new group leader, and Ted and Kevin agree, and she finds herself being dragged along with the whirlwind of crazy, and she doesn't really have time to think anything deeper.

* * *

><p>Those that leave you never existed.<p>

That's what Barney has always followed, with all the people who keep hurting him, and leaving him, and letting him down. But it's a lot harder to prescribe to that philosophy when it comes to Robin. Because she did, yet she didn't leave him.

And it's impossible to forget her anyway.

Then there's Kevin. There's always Kevin, who Barney obviously underestimated. But how could he help but be confused when Robin slept with _him_, she almost came back to _him_? Still, almost never counts. It's been months now and she's still clinging to Kevin like she has no intention of ever doing anything else. And whatever he once thought about her only giving the relationship half a chance doesn't appear to be true anymore; he's heard some things from Ted.

It's about time he face the fact that this guy's not going anywhere. This is what Robin truly wants, and there's nothing he can do about it but try to move on. He knows it'll be in vain. He's been in love with Robin for years now, and all his efforts to move on from that have always been futile. This one will be no different.

Distraction is his only option. And, as the new self-professed leader of the gang, he falls back on the only distraction he knows.

* * *

><p>They're finally back at the Lusty Leopard, his favorite playground, and the world should start to make sense again – or at least pleasantly blur out for an hour or two. Barney's gotten Ted to loosen up a little, curtsy of the alcohol, and he heartily commends himself on another excellent plan accomplished.<p>

That's when he sees Robin buy Kevin a lap dance and almost does a double take because, when the two of them were dating, there would be some serious hell to pay if he so much as set foot in a strip club – even if she was right there with him. He'd get the cold shoulder and sex would be cut off…..for a few hours, until he convinced her otherwise; he could always convince her otherwise. But now, with Kevin, she's not only allowing strip clubs but actually _paying_ for the lap dances?

It's obvious Robin just couldn't trust him. But not Kevin. No, Kevin's a good man. She knows he won't cheat, so she'll allow it. And Barney realizes maybe that's just it. He'll never be good enough for her, never be what she needs. That's why she can try with Kevin but not with him. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but he's been handed a lot of those lately. He's almost used to it at this point.

And so he buys himself five or six or ten lap dances, watches Ted get increasingly drunk, watches Robin talking happily with Kevin, and wishes he could actually enjoy Stripper Lily's nimble fingers working over the inseam of his pants.

* * *

><p>At the strip club, Robin is reminded many times over that Kevin was the only sane choice. And clearly she chose correctly. That point is driven home over and over again as the night progresses and she watches Barney receive a bevy of strippers, being touched and rubbed and grinded – and loving every minute of it.<p>

He obviously wasn't all that serious back in November. They fell into bed together, and because of that he wondered "what if?" for a moment, but quite clearly he's already long since forgotten any thoughts of the two of them trying again. The last overture he made to her of any kind was back before Christmas, and that wasn't about having another go at their relationship. He simply wanted to be friends with benefits, which isn't at all promising.

But this is what he does. It's what he did after they broke up the first time. As soon as the moment has past, he forgets all about her and jumps into womanizing with the kind of enthusiastic gusto that tells her that's what he really wanted to be doing all along.

And it's not just the womanizing – okay, it's mostly the womanizing – but his wild, crazy antics lead them into an illegal poker game in an abandoned warehouse with some seriously shady characters and , naturally, they soon find themselves running for their lives. He's still doing these outlandish immature things. And, yes, sometimes it's fun, but sometimes it's scary too.

And it's always risky. Everything with Barney is _always_ a risk. Sometimes, especially lately, she thinks it might just be better to stick with the uncomplicated security of home; where things aren't hopeless and confusing; where nothing is required of you; where you don't have to take chances that might end in heartbreak; where, in fact, you don't have to think or feel at all.

* * *

><p>All night, Barney desperately tries to subscribe to his own philosophy of denial. He tries to forget and replace Lily and Marshall with <em>Stripper<em> Lily and _Russian_ Marshall, but it's just not the same. He tries to get Robin out of his heart, but even the entire supply of the Lusty Leopard's finest and all their practiced grinding isn't enough to do it.

And finally, after nearly getting pummeled thanks to drunken Ted's chip city, he has to admit to himself he doesn't want to be the new group leader. He doesn't want to forget and replace. He just wants things back to the way they used to be, with _their_ Lily and Marshall. And Ted. And Robin. And no one else.

But he keeps going anyway – he always just keeps going – until it all comes to a crashing halt in a back alley.

* * *

><p>Robin's been trying with Kevin, she really has. She's been doing everything she can think of. But even now, with sex added into the mix – her last holdout – things are still so….<em>awkward<em> with Kevin.

She hates high fiving him. It just feels so wrong. And she doesn't want to try these new experiences with him. He was supposed to be her simple, easy relationship, like slipping into a pair of baggy sweatpants and eating potato chips in front of the TV. Just something mindless and safe and stable, without all this extra effort just to keep him, just so he'll like her.

So, standing in the darkened alley with Kevin, Robin's relieved beyond words when he says they can drop the pretenses, because it was just getting so tiring – not being herself, putting up a front, always waiting to see what he said first.

But as great as that is to hear, she's even more relieved when Kevin simply goes home for the night. It feels oddly freeing once he's gone and she's left alone to go along with Barney and Ted on that forty-six minute ride out to see Lily and Marshall.

At first the trio is quiet. It's been a long night and they've had their fair share of excitement. Right around the time they're all getting on, Barney disappears to who knows where, so Robin finds them all seats, because Ted is still at least half drunk and really not acting very sharp.

The train starts and it's only a matter of minutes before Ted is slumped over across the row of seats, hazily mumbling, "Never gonna find anyone. Always gonna be alone."

She shakes her head because he's a little bit of a mess himself lately, just nowhere near her caliber. "Oh, Teddy Boy," she sighs, covering him up with his coat, and a second later he's fully passed out.

Barney reappears then, carrying two coffees, and takes the seat next to her. He looks over at Ted, sprawled across the seats and now drooling on one, and laughs as if he saw this coming.

He hands Robin one of the cups. They each wordlessly take a sip, and that's enough for a minute or two, just sitting together and drinking coffee, until Barney eventually breaks the silence. "So what happened to Kevin?"

"He'd had enough, wanted to go home." Robin shrugs. "He must not miss Lily and Marshall as much as we do."

"It makes sense. He hasn't known them as long as we have." He pauses to take a long, deliberating drink before adding, "And he doesn't really approve of our little group." He looks over at Robin. "What did he say we were again?"

Robin stares down at her coffee cup. "Codependent."

"That's the one."

Barney looks around at their surroundings and then back to Robin, who takes a glance around the largely deserted train herself, and she knows exactly what he's thinking. Here they are, hurrying out to Long Island in the middle of the night because they just can't bear to be apart from Marshall and Lily any longer…and they've only been gone for a matter of hours.

"Nope. This isn't codependent at all," he says.

Robin laughs and her laughter spurs his. "It's not just that. The whole strip club scene isn't exactly Kevin's thing either."

Barney nods, but can't resist pointing out, "It never used to be yours either. I distinctly remember you've grown quite an aversion to strip clubs." His eyes hold hers for a moment, unrelenting. "Whatever happened to that?"

She remembers the earlier sight of some random blonde stripper-skank grinding all over Barney, and it's easy to find her answer. "Nothing. I _don't_ like them," she says firmly, even a little bitterly. The memory of the look on his face during said grinding drifts across her mind's eye and she shudders. "Some things you just can't unsee."

It occurs to Barney then that, even if she does trust Kevin, it still has to bother her to see him being rubbed on by another woman, in the same way it tore him apart to watch her hold Kevin's hand and sit on his lap earlier that night. And for the first time he thinks he finally gets it why she never wanted him to go to strip clubs when they were together. He was wrong back then. When you're dating someone, it isn't harmless and it _can_ hurt, one of a thousand lessons learned too late.

He doesn't say any of that though. Instead, he asks her, "If you don't like it, then why'd you go?"

"_You_ wanted to go," Robin says, exasperated, not sure why he's even bringing this up.

"Yeah, but you could've left. You didn't have to come."

And it's true, so true that she's a little annoyed with him for making her think about it at all, for making her answer, for not just letting it go.

But he doesn't. "The thing is, Kevin said he wanted to go. And you did too."

"Well, I guess we were just saying what we thought the other wanted to hear."

His eyebrow goes up and he looks at her pointedly. "Going along with something you hate because it's what some guy wants?" He shakes his head. "You're slipping, Scherbatsky."

"I'm not anymore. I'm done with that."

She answered defensively, almost angrily, and he thinks maybe he's gone too far. This is the danger in their friendship now, because he wants to tell her this thing with Kevin doesn't make any sense. He wants to point out all the reasons why it's a mistake. But he can't. She's already made her choice and there's nothing more he can do about it. If he pushes too hard, if he throws himself at her feet, he'll only lose her completely.

But she surprises him because, a moment later, after finishing another sip, she moves the coffee cup from her mouth and he can see that she's now smiling. "Do you know he actually made me take a butchering class?" she says, turning toward him. "I mean, what the hell?"

His eyes widen and he fights back a smile. "Nothing says romance likes a dismembered cow."

"Right?" Robin laughs. "…..But at least there'll be no more of that. I told him I hate it. And the high-fiving too. God, I _hate_ the high-fiving."

Barney gives her a strange look. "Since when do you hate high-fiving?"

"I know, I know, it's kind of our thing. But he does it all wrong."

Barney, wisely, says nothing to that and they fall back into silence for a moment.

"So what about you?" Robin asks. "I take it you finally got to vicariously live the dream of seeing Lily's boobs. I imagine Stripper Lily's gotta be a close facsimile."

"Meh," Barney shrugs. "It was kinda weird."

"Ya think." She shakes her head. "Well, at least there were plenty of others there to comfort you. By the time we left, you had so much boob glitter on your face you looked like a Bond villain. I swear, you must've gotten a dance from every single one of the women there. "

His expression turns lecherous. "Why limit yourself to just one when you can have them all?"

"Ah. Of course." Robin thinks about that statement and knows this is exactly why the two of them can never work. If he ever really did truly want to try. "That's sort of your motto, isn't it?" she says, averting her gaze out the window, watching what she can of the passing scenery in the darkness. But she can feel his eyes on her, steady and scrutinizing.

Barney's silent a moment before finally answering, "It passes the time."

Robin turns back to him then and thinks maybe she sees something in his eyes, but before she can reply Ted wakes up with a start.

After he collects himself, he sleepily asks where they got their coffee, and they spend the rest of the ride reliving his near-fatal poker win – which he now realizes the stupidity of, but it still makes him rather proud.

The next morning, when they're all in Marshall and Lily's kitchen, settled into the booth together – Barney stealing bacon off her plate and Robin 'retaliating' by swiping berries off of his, but really they both know they each prefer the tradeoff – Robin finally feels like things are right again.

She tells herself it's all because of the return of Real Marshall and Real Lily, and has nothing at all to do with Barney, sitting warm and smiling close beside her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I completely forgot that, back when 7.09 "Disaster Averted" aired, I wrote two separate sections for it, the one posted under this story and another for the flashback portion that took place in the summertime. I was going to post it too but never did, until I just now found the file on my computer. It's posted now as an independent story, called "Hurricane Irene", but in many ways it's actually connected to this one.


	15. 715

**The Burning Beekeeper**

On the ride out to Marshall and Lily's housewarming party, Robin tries to be optimistic about it. She's doing this for her friends and, hey, maybe it'll be fun. She doesn't see Lily nearly as much anymore, and at least there will be wine.

But things are off to a bad start. Ted's determined to pick a fight with her the entire way there, and she's already in a bad mood from when he questioned her about why Kevin wasn't coming. The truth is she hadn't invited him. Sometimes being with Kevin feels like when you're putting together a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle and you're trying to fill an empty space with a certain puzzle piece but it won't quite fit, and deep inside you know that's because it's not the right piece but you keep forcing it anyway because it would be so much easier if it was. On the other hand, Kevin is such a great guy, and he's been so good to her despite her mess. Their relationship may not to be filled with passion and excitement and uncontainable emotion, but it's better that way. Those things always lead to heartbreak. What she has with Kevin is different. It's comfortable. It's nice. She's ready for something more out of life now, and she's tired of being alone. That's why Kevin really is perfect. He's everything she should want, and she's trying to let herself finally be happy. Tonight, though, Robin just needs a break from everything. She just needs to breathe some air on her own, which is why she came alone, but it's too hard to explain all that to Ted.

When they arrive at Marshall and Lily's house, she tries to put these things behind her and simply have some fun, but ever since the bakery Ted still won't let it go, and as soon as they get into the kitchen their fight continues.

Maybe she has been acting somewhat….aggressively lately, but she's at a loss. She used to be so strong, so together, so able to handle anything, to box up whatever pesky emotions she might feel. But ever since the fall she's been slowly coming apart. For months now she's felt herself changing and she doesn't know what to do about it. She doesn't know what to do with all these _feelings_. She's got so much anger and frustration inside of her over things she keeps trying to deny, things she won't even let herself think about. But her feelings are unruly and her thoughts are unruly, and she can't seem to control either one of them until she's blowing up, at strangers even, over little insignificant things. And there's a part of her that knows it's a complete overreaction, that it's really just an outlet – and she desperately needs an outlet – for all the emotions she's been bottling up inside: anger over her infertility and somehow now feeling less than whole even though she didn't really want kids anyway; upset, repressed feelings over Barney; and frustration with herself for not just being happy and loving what she's got.

She _should_ love what she's got. She's so deeply conflicted inside because she knows she should just shut off her feelings and take this great thing that's fallen in her lap and be grateful for it – and make it fit, not matter what. But the other part of her, the part she's shoved down so far for so long that it's slowly dying, is making one last hurrah and condemning her for lacking the self-confidence to confront the things that are really bothering her, for not having the courage to even admit to herself what she really wants.

And if she won't allow herself to ask for help and scream to the world 'I'm upset and confused and broken' then all these emotions are just going to find alternate ways of coming out. So she's releasing her aggression any way she can so long as she's not forced to confront the actual cause of her problems.

And one of her biggest problem, the one she can't properly repress because it repeatedly invades her thoughts, the one she can't run away from because it's always there, is none other than that middle one: Barney Stinson, the ex-boyfriend that constantly complicates her life because her heart simply refuses to accept the 'ex' part of it. Sometimes she's alright. When she's apart and away and just out alone with Kevin, she can make herself forgot. But the past few weeks she's had to watch Barney return to sleeping with anything that moves, and while it's easier for her to take than when he was in a relationship, fawning over just one magnificent angelic woman, it still hurts.

But it shouldn't, and _that_ makes her angry. Barney's never going to change. He _hasn't_ changed when she'd thought maybe he had. She's been witnessing firsthand his out of control sex life, been hearing him talk about it in her presence, and it deeply bothers her. Deep down, Robin knows that's what's to blame for her earlier outburst in the bakery and her confrontation with the woman she accused of wearing too much makeup and being "a whore". The woman was ninety-years-old if she was a day. In hindsight, it speaks volumes for her repressed issues and hostilities toward what she considers to be 'slutty women', the very women Barney's been picking up night after night.

Still, Robin defends herself valiantly. What else is she going to do, admit the truth? She _hates_ the truth. Somewhere in there, though, she knows that Ted's got a point, that assaulting an elderly woman to get an apple kugel isn't really the best way to go through life, but right now it's her only way.

* * *

><p>Out in the dining room, Barney is eating, eating, eating – stuffing his face with vegan spring rolls of all things – because they do taste good and he always tends to overeat when he's upset. At this point he'll be developing relationship gut soon and that's no good because then he won't get anywhere with the ladies…..and it just makes him think of Robin, which makes him eat all the more because 'full' is at least a feeling.<p>

What he won't admit to anyone is that he's been miserable lately, and the scariest thing about it is that womanizing doesn't work anymore. The rush of it, the thrill of it, the enjoyment of it is just not there anymore. Night after night, sneaking out of the latest woman's bed, he goes home, stands in the shower, and feels a little lost, a little unsettled, and a lot empty. And, secretly, he hates his life. He hates it all the more for what he thought it would be right now, what it could have been.

Back in the fall, sitting on Nora's sofa, listening to her father expound about love and soul mates, Barney finally realized who his is. And that was it. He couldn't wait for the future, a future with Robin, where everyday would begin waking up to her smile and every night would mean falling asleep to it, and anything that happened in between didn't matter because he had her and that was everything. But things didn't go as planned. He doesn't have Robin, and he never will. Now he's desperately searching for some way – _any way_ – to feel alive again, to feel good again, to feel happy for even just a half second of time.

But all of the womanizing and all of the aliases, even successfully bedding half the town's female population, can't replace the feeling he gets with Robin. And the truth is he'd rather be sitting with her at their booth, drinking scotch together and listening to her talk about her day, than having sex with the hottest girl with the biggest boobs and daddy issues in the place.

So sleeping with Marshall and Lily's crazy neighbor is only half interesting at best. Now it just feels more like something Barney Stinson – or rather Special Agent Gary Powers – should do rather than something he actually wants to do. She doesn't hold a candle to what he really wants, and in the end it'll get him nowhere.

He glances at her again and she's clearly insane but she's got a great rack, and this is after all what he does. For years his life has been about bouncing from one conquest to the next, and that's what it's got to be again. He's got to make it fit, and sleeping with the crazy cat lady is as good a place to start as any. It will give him a temporary high, though an ultimately unsatisfying one, which is why he'll go meet her upstairs but he's in no particular hurry to get there. So he lets Lily shoo him into the kitchen for awhile.

* * *

><p>Robin's just getting over her run-in with Mickey. Once again, misplaced frustration and transferred anger came bubbling to the surface and she had to tell herself to curb them, to push them back down, because this wasn't the time or place to have a blowup and someone accidently bumping into you really didn't warrant that kind of reaction. Assertive is one thing, badass is one thing, but she doesn't want to be <em>that<em> woman, that hostile, angry, mean woman who let life beat her down until bitterness is all she has left.

So she's fighting for control again when Barney comes walking through the door. He's the last thing and the only thing she needs, and she's visibly upset upon seeing him. She turns away, not looking at him, and retreats against the stove, focusing on the wine in her glass. More wine – yes, that's what she needs.

Barney reaches for the bottle of wine resting beside Robin's hip, oblivious to the hurricane of emotion he's set off inside of her as he pours himself a glass and chats with Lily's dad. Then Mickey leaves and it's just the two of them alone.

Being around him makes it worse for Robin. It makes it harder, and yet at the same time that suppressed part of her _wants_ to see him and be near, even just as friends, the way they used to be. So she finds herself asking him if it's true about bees and kerosene, partly out of curiosity but mostly because she just wants to keep him talking to her. But Barney shrugs, uninterested, and answers noncommittally, clearly not in the mood to talk to her, and the moment Lily walks into the kitchen, Robin beats a hasty retreat.

Still clearly upset, she immediately runs into Marshall, who thankfully doesn't seem to notice. What he has noticed, however, is her recent bouts of ill-placed aggression. He goes so far as to actually call her a "mean son of a bitch". Even if she is angry at herself, and angry at life, and just angry in general, it still hurts her to hear that, and she defends herself as best she can…..until Barney pops back out of the kitchen, saying everything's fine.

And, no, it so isn't. Seeing him, she falls into another meaningless tirade because it's easier to go off about pigs in a blanket minus the proper dipping sauce than to grab Barney, shake him, and scream, '_I want you and I hate myself for it; I want you to want me, no matter what; and I just can't take watching you sleep around anymore!_'

After the pigs in the blanket outburst, Robin tries to calm down again, taking deep breaths and attempting to focus on what Lily's saying. But she's not doing a very good job of it, and inwardly she's thankful for how distracted her friends are because she knows that if they were truly paying attention there's no way they'd be able to miss how messed up she's been lately.

* * *

><p>Back in the kitchen, Barney lingers a moment after Lily's walked out, having just received very distressing news about the woman waiting upstairs for him. He's torn because he doesn't even particularly want to sleep with her beyond the cheap momentary pleasure it will offer – but cheap momentary pleasure is all he has to live for anymore. Still, he isn't sure if it's really worth the risk for a seven at best. Unbalanced girls are pretty wild in the bedroom, so there's that, but in his heart of hearts all he really wants to do is be around Robin, especially on a night like tonight, when she's all alone with no Kevin in sight. He makes up his mind in the kitchen to go find her and it seems like fate when he practically walks into her in the dining room.<p>

Marshall and Robin are standing there just outside the kitchen door. Going over to them, Barney grabs Marshall's wine glass. The movement puts him close to Robin, close enough to feel the heat of her. He chugs down Marshall's wine, half out of fear of being cut by a cheese knife and half because Robin's nearness both comforts and hurts him. Most of all, it makes him long for her. So he puts his hand on her arm, touching her any way he can, and asks her if she'll talk to him a moment.

Robin is instantly dubious. When he uses the phrase, "something very dear to me" it isn't hard to guess what's coming next. Ever since Puzzles – which left the apartment a total mess – she's heard him talk about his latest conquest more times than she ever cares to. At first she'd get up and leave, but now it's gotten to the point where she's started avoiding MacLaren's altogether if she knows he'll be there because she simply can't take anymore of his stories. That's why she makes him promise that this little talk now will have nothing whatsoever to do with his penis.

Barney promises because he's got to get her to go with him somehow. After pausing to down Lily's glass of wine too, he meets Robin in the living room and launches into an ode to the love he has for his penis. Even as the words are coming out of his mouth he realizes how messed up it is and how he should be talking to Ted, Marshall, Lily – literally anyone – about this before Robin. But Robin's the only one he _wants_ to talk to. And this is how _she_ wants things, back to being friends, buddies, bros. When she was all that to him, this is exactly the sort of thing they would talk about just before closing time at MacLaren's, when it was only the two of them and the rest of the group had already gone home.

Mostly, though, he just wants any reason – any excuse whatsoever – to talk to Robin. He wasn't lying to her and it wasn't just a line when he told her back in the summer that a single day without talking to her rendered that day absolutely no good. A Robin-less day meant, no matter what else might happen, everything felt off, just….dull and dreary, less bright, less exciting, less happy. And he's been having an awful lot of Robin-less days lately. They barely even talk anymore, not the way they used to. That night in November, he didn't just lose his soul mate and the love of his life; he lost his best friend too. And at least tonight, right now, he needs to be around her in some capacity, able to talk to her and be with her in any way he can, even if the topic of conversation is inappropriate and ridiculous.

But to say Robin is frustrated is putting it mildly. Against her better judgment, she went with Barney when he asked to speak to her, and she was genuinely concerned about helping him too. She even put her hand on his arm to calm him. But then it turned out he lied to her and it is about his penis after all. It doesn't take any great leap to understand if he's thinking about his penis, he's thinking about using it. The very fact that he's bringing this up to her at all shows how easily and completely he's moved on. But she hasn't. She hates that she hasn't, but there it is. So she doesn't want to talk to him about penis-related issues. She can't do this anymore. She can't talk to him about sex and just act like it's nothing. Because no matter how hard she tries to pretend like November never happened, it _did_, and even though she'll deny it at all costs, she feels how she feels.

And it's too late, they can't just magically go back to a time when they were bros and she could wingwoman for him and cheer him on and help him get laid, and then shake her head and laugh fondly over his stories the next day. They fell in love; they become involved, and even though they broke up, even though two years have passed, even though it drives her crazy because she has Kevin and that should be enough, the chemistry, the wanting, never really goes away. And at least for her the love never does either. Even if it snuck up on her, even if it terrifies her, even if she runs away from it because it's no good and it can never happen, it's still always there. And then so is the jealousy and the frustration and the pain, even though it shouldn't be there at all.

She doesn't want to tell him any of that, but he refuses to stop, until she at least has to admit she doesn't want to talk about this, that the conversation makes her uncomfortable.

Barney, for his part, is completely clueless as to Robin's real feelings. He only knows that he wants her back in his life. If he can't have her as his girlfriend, he wants her back as his friend, back to the way things were last spring and summer. But she seems determined to distance herself from him, and it kills him. He's desperate to get to her to remember, even for just a second, about the two of them. So in all of his inane penis chatter, Barney reminds Robin: "You've seen 'her'."

She can't quite meet his eye when he mentions how she's seen it, because she's seen it a lot more recently than she had any right to – or that anyone knows. Still, when he proudly announces, "She's magnificent", she can't resist sparring with him just a little.

"She?" Robin questions.

Barney jumps in to argue the logic behind it, and for just a moment it feels like old times again. But then Marshall interrupts by bringing over a plate of cheese.

Once he leaves, Robin looks over at Barney to see if he's going to stay and play and eat cheese with her. Marshall's ongoing Gouda obsession amuses her and reminds her of the night she and Barney went on that disastrous double date at Marshall and Lily's old apartment. She's about to say something that alludes to that night, just to see if he remembers, but then Barney announces he'll "be back", and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where he's going and why.

She looks off after him a moment longer before tearing her eyes away. Then it's just her and the Gouda, and it actually does look pretty good. If she just stays here and focuses on the cheese – like at American Thanksgiving – she might be able to breathe again.

But it all goes downhill from there, into fire and bees and general mayhem and the worst housewarming party on record.

* * *

><p>After all the other guests go home, Robin, Ted, Marshall, and Lily seek refuge from the bees at a neighbor's house. Marshall and Lily are just trying to figure out where to spend the night when Barney comes barging in, carrying his suit in his arms, clad in nothing but his underwear.<p>

Five minutes later, Marshall and Lily and Ted have gone off to who knows where in the house and Robin's left alone with an injured Barney in the back guest room, the only one willing to stay and help him – or perhaps the slowest one to leave the room and thus the unfortunate one the duty falls to, depending on how you look at it.

The neighbors were kind enough to bring Barney an ice pack for the swelling, and he's currently holding it to his arm, sitting in the chair pulled in front of hers, but Robin knows enough about outdoor survival to recognize one small ice pack is hardly going to do the job. She reaches over and peels it away, looking at the nasty sting beneath.

Dropping it to the floor because it's of absolutely no use, she surveys his wounds from head to toe, but it's kind of hard to concentrate when Barney's practically naked. He's not even wearing his usual boxers but instead incredibly revealing briefs. And, god, it makes her uncomfortable – worse than the penis talk, worse than the knowledge that he just came from having sex with another woman – because it forces her to recognize a truth she'd prefer to ignore.

_Kevin_ is her security and stability. He accepts her, says he loves her like crazy. He practically worships her. Someone like her, such a mess, is lucky to have that. She should just be happy. She shouldn't want Barney. Wanting him is bad for her. It only leads to heartbreak. And he doesn't even want her in return; there's been ample evidence of that over the past months. She shouldn't want to be with Barney, not even a little, and it drives her crazy – makes her so made at herself – that she still does.

"You know what, why am I the one doing this?" she says, getting up from her chair.

But Barney reaches out and stops her, a look of panic in his eyes. "Robin, please."

Robin sighs, sitting back down. He's covered in red splotches from head to toe. She can't just leave him there and let him hurt, even if he does basically deserve it. Grabbing his suit coat from the floor, she reaches into the pocket, feeling for his wallet. Once she's found it, she opens it up and pulls out a credit card.

"Robin, if you're short on cash you just have to ask. But now isn't really the time to – "

"It's for the beestings," she interrupts. "That's how you get the stingers out."

"Oh."

Robin's mouth curves into a little half smile and she shakes her head. "Idiot." Credit card in hand, she looks over at Barney – at all that bare skin – and wonders where to start. She shifts slightly in her chair and her voice is quiet as she asks, "Could you at least put your pants back on?"

Barney shakes his head, looking down. "I can't. I have beestings all over my legs."

Robin sighs again, leaning closer to him when she'd rather run away. "Here, come here." Taking hold of his arm, she pulls him to her.

"Oww."

"Sorry," she says, her voice softer. And indeed her touch is gentler and more careful as she starts on the first sting she sees and goes from there.

His hand is in her lap while she works on his arm and she tries not to notice, tries to completely ignore the little goose bumps it raises on her flesh just to have his fingers inadvertently brushing her thigh.

"Lily filled me in on what happened," Robin tells him in an attempt to distract herself. "I don't know why you're still doing stuff like this. It's one thing to sleep with the dumb bimbos you meet at MacLaren's, but I'd have thought the Bobbitt danger alone would've stopped you on this one."

"She was already waiting upstairs for me. Naked." Barney shrugs, and at the pain it causes he immediately regrets the movement. "I kinda had to. Besides, you know I never turn down a challenge."

She drops his arm from her lap. "Yeah, well, you lost."

"Hey, I came out intact. That's about the only place I didn't get stung."

Robin moves on to his torso, trying to avoid looking at his body at all, trying to think of it as simply a medical procedure. But when she has one hand on his shoulder, the other at his chest while she works on the reddened sting just above his nipple, she can't help remembering the last time she saw him this naked, touched him this way. They were tangled up together on his bed, nothing between them but heated skin and slow caresses and lovemaking so intense she can still vividly recall ever second of it.

Minutes pass in silence as Robin removes close to a dozen stingers from his chest and shoulders. Her face is close to his, close enough that Barney can smell the scent of her shampoo – lavender, not the usual subtle raspberry and jasmine. She only uses the lavender when something's bothering her. It's supposed to be calming or something girly like that chicks go for, even awesome ones. His brow furrows, a little crinkle between his eyebrows, wondering what's got her so upset. But he's starting to feel kind of woozy and lightheaded, and it's sort of getting hard to concentrate.

She removes another stinger from his chest, and he sighs, letting his head lull forward enough that his chin is just brushing her temple. "Robin, I love my penis."

"Sure ya do," she placates him.

"But it doesn't love me. And…." He pauses and sighs again, heavily, as if this next part is very difficult to admit. "_Just_ my penis, it's not enough anymore."

"What?" she laughs, looking up at him. She looks in his eyes then, really studies him, and she can tell that something's slightly off. "Barney, you've had _a lot_ of bee stings. I think we better get you to the hospital. Come on," she says, helping him up out of the chair. "We'll go find Ted."

She doesn't understand what he's trying to say, but it's probably a lost cause anyway. It's always a lost cause when it comes to Robin. So Barney just nods and accepts her arm around him, letting himself lean on her as they walk out the door.


	16. 716

**AN**: I am focusing on Robin's side of things in this one because her actions are what desperately need insight and explaining.

* * *

><p><strong>The Drunk Train<strong>

Barney hates being bested by Quinn. He hates being bested and outmaneuvered by anyone. But at the same time it intrigues him, makes him feel…..something. And he hasn't felt anything but pain in a very, very long time.

It's the challenge of it he's drawn to whenever a woman initially takes a dislike to him and refuses to fall for his game. Like at the laser tag place, when he knows he's shot a kid but for some reason the brat's vest refuses to acknowledge the hit and it makes him all the more determined to find that kid later and shoot him again cause that hit totally should've been his in the first place.

Quinn will be no different; he'll end up hitting that. Yep, this is just the distraction he needs.

* * *

><p>Standing there in the inn, watching Kevin kneel down, asking that one question she's always dreaded – and even presenting her with a ring – Robin's momentarily speechless. After all, this is her first true proposal. She's waiting for the no-no-no-please-don't-do-this-to-me instinct to kick in and she's a little surprised at herself when it doesn't, although she guesses she really shouldn't be. She's known for a while now that her attitude on relationships, and commitment, and marriage has changed. Having it put to the test now and not feeling completely panicked, she knows once and for all that the change is real and permanent. Robin Scherbatsky, the forever loner who never believed in marriage, is no longer afraid of it.<p>

No, it isn't fear or revulsion that she's feeling. Actually, she isn't sure _what_ she's feeling, maybe something closer to hesitation and reluctance. But that's natural, right? Even if she's no longer terrified of marriage per say it's still a huge decision and she needs time to think, time to sort it all out and weigh her options. So she tells Kevin just that; she's going to need time – and she asks him to please put the ring away, because there's nothing like a diamond engagement ring to pile on the pressure…..to make it seem incredibly real.

But Kevin gives her all the time she needs, and Robin thinks about it, weighs it from every angle, tries to logically analyze every reason why she should marry Kevin and every reason why she shouldn't.

She knows she wants to make a commitment to someone. She wants to take the next step and Kevin seems like a good choice – the only real choice – to take that step with. He's a nice guy who loves her and treats her well, despite her many flaws. And even though he's a therapist, he never questions her actions or feelings, never makes her think or explain, never pushes her to delve into painful issues and real motivations the way her friends sometimes do. He just lets her be. She feels comfortable with him, like settling into a warm familiar couch with a soft fuzzy blanket. It's a nice, safe, good feeling, so much different, so much better than loneliness.

And Kevin is exactly the kind of man every woman should want. He's the kind of man everyone tells her she should be with. Even Lily, with her front porch tests and her 'Where's the poop?', is giddy at the idea of her marrying Kevin. Robin hasn't always been the proper judge of what's best for herself. In fact, she has her moments of clarity where she realizes that oftentimes she chooses the most destructive path; she can be her own worse enemy. For years, she's trod along trying to do the non-traditional thing, trying to go after exactly what she _wants_, and it's gotten her nowhere. It's time to reach for those traditional things, to do what she knows she _should_ do instead of just what her heart tells her she wants to do. Isn't that part of growing up? Of being mature? Of finally letting herself be happy?

She's always been a bit of a misfit, an oddity, when it comes to love and romance and relationships. She's always been what she once called "wired wrong", but now she thinks she's just broken. She's a failure in her career, a failure in her love life. She should be doing cartwheels that a man a like Kevin, such an all-around 'good catch', somehow wants her, somehow loves her this way. Saying 'no' shouldn't even be a consideration. The one glaring reason, the _only_ reason, her heart and mind can come up with not to marry Kevin is the fact that she's still in love with another man. She's always been in love with another man and very likely always will be, even if she does marry Kevin. But the fact is there was a reason she didn't go meet Barney to "talk about us" back in November, and that reason hasn't changed at all.

She loved Barney then and, deep down, she knows she still loves him now, but the blank reality of it is that Barney is a huge risk and Kevin is an absolute sure thing. There will be no strife and heartache and emotional drama with Kevin, just a safe, secure long-term relationship. She's known Barney enough years to pick up some of his sayings, some of his mannerisms and thought patterns, and the bottom line is it's very quickly approaching "last call" in her life. She's in her thirties now with a dead-end job, living in an apartment that doesn't even technically belong to her, with zero prospects. This very well may be the only proposal that comes her way. She may never find someone who is even a comfortable fit again. So it's last call and she has to choose: does she go with this nice, sold, steady, sure thing or does she take the risk, go with what her heart is telling her, even though she's fairly positive that road only leads to a broken heart and misery for the both of them? And if she takes that risk and it doesn't work out then she will have lost her sure thing too and have absolutely no one.

That's why she chose Kevin in November. That's why she still has to choose him now. Only now, it's not even a choice between the two – if it ever really was. If the Future came knocking today and told Robin that Barney has feelings for her and that they really could be together and make their relationship last, she would be with him in a heartbeat. But even in November all of that was a long shot at best. Now it's an absolute impossibility. Because she can see that Barney hasn't really changed. He doesn't really want a relationship, or a commitment, and certainly not marriage. He was never serious about her. That was her fear back then when he waffled back and forth on whether their sleeping together meant anything to him, and then on the boat he kept failing to break up with Nora. Not that she was all that much better.

Neither one of them expected or planned to cheat together, and that's just it. Barney hadn't thought any of it through. When they were together the first time, she wasn't enough for him. He got bored with her and she tied him down when he wanted to be free. He buried himself in eating and got fat and miserable. _She_ led him to that because she wasn't enough to keep him happy and interested. She asked him that night on the cruise if anything had changed, but he couldn't give a single reason why things would turn out any differently this time. She asked him why he would even want her when she's such a mess. She understood the answer he gave and what he was trying to get at, but in the end 'because we're both alike; because we both understand each other' wasn't enough. Because maybe they are too alike. Maybe that's why they can't make things work. That's what he said when they broke up the first time, and it's probably true. Two messes can never make it work, and whatever awesomeness they have will cancel each other out.

What she had hoped to hear Barney say was that he wanted her because he loved her. She'd wanted to hear that more than anything in her life. But he didn't say that. He doesn't feel that way. Kevin was the one to tell her that. Kevin is the one who loves her. So she got scared and she ran away and, just like she feared, it was a passing fancy for Barney. The idea of her, of the two of them together, seemed like a good one to him after they'd just fallen into bed together but in the light of day he didn't really want it. By now he's forgotten about her completely.

Whether she marries Kevin, or is single for the rest of her life, or dates a string of men from now until eternity, she can never have Barney. It doesn't matter that she still wants him. It doesn't matter that she'll always love him. She can't have him so she needs to let go of that idea for good. Logically considering things, her love for Barney doesn't even enter into this decision at all. It's like being allergic to shellfish. If you're allergic to shellfish, you just have to eat something else. It doesn't matter how much you love and crave shellfish. You're allergic; you react poorly together, and so you just can't have it. And it doesn't matter that what you do eat is your second choice. Just because you don't love it the same way doesn't mean you still can't enjoy it. And this meal is much better for you in the end.

So she may not be head-over-heels in love with Kevin like she is with Barney. So she doesn't think of him when she hears a song, or feel that rush of attraction – that heat that starts low and rises till it fills her up – when he sits close to her in the booth or looks at her just that certain way. So she doesn't want to rip his clothes off or have wild antique store sex with him because they just can't wait until they get home.

Truth be told, all of those things – that complete inability to control her own thoughts and feelings, that absolute lack of resistance or willpower – were overwhelming and scary. They still are. All of that passion is like lightening. It's fierce and fiery, but it's wild and unpredictable. And her insecurities only grow wondering how he's feeling: is he happy with her; would he rather be with someone else; is he going to leave her; does he even really love her. That kind of relationship is dangerous. It makes her crazy. It's a bad idea, an unsafe risk. And, most of all, in a relationship with Barney she is truly, deeply vulnerable. No man can hurt her the way he can because no one has her heart the way he does. That's why breaking up with him was like slowing dying inside.

But, with Kevin, there's none of that frightening, volatile tumultuousness. It's safe and stable and comfortable. There's just a nice gentleness, an attachment. They get along. They enjoy each other's company. That's what a person really needs in marriage, that kind of companionship. That's the kind of marriage that can last.

So she wants to tell Kevin 'yes'. But she's going to tell him the truth about children first. They've never really talked about kids all that much before. Their relationship has never been that serious. They aren't even living together, haven't met each other's family – things went from zero to sixty in the bending of a knee. So he doesn't know. She's never told him that she doesn't want kids. Ever. And she's still not going to tell him that. She's going to tell him the dark, secret truth that she _can't_ have kids, and then she'll see if he still wants to marry her after that.

Telling Kevin that she can never physically have children is a nerve-wracking thing, and will be the true test. She's always feared how the man in her life will take that news. When she first thought she was pregnant, then found out she wasn't and never would be, Barney came to mind and how terribly excited he was when he thought they were going to have a baby. He thought it was just so great – even under less than ideal circumstances – that he was going to be a daddy. He took her to the baby store and went crazy over the cute little outfits. She was panicked and thought he was crazy at the time, but then later on that park bench she knew there was something to it. She couldn't ask someone she truly loves to just forever give that up, and it's far too much to hope for that he simply wouldn't care. Even if he says he does just to make her feel better, or maybe he really believes it, years down the line it would haunt him and make him resent her and what she'd caused him to lose.

Robin's thought about it a lot and she knows exactly what a man's reaction will be to the news of her infertility, so what happens next with Kevin truly shocks her.

* * *

><p>Kevin didn't care. He didn't care that she can't have babies. He chose her over children; he loves her that much. Who could turn down that kind of love? It's exactly what she needs in her life. So she's going to marry Kevin. She's going to be good to him, faithful – she'll never cheat again under any circumstances; she hates the wrongness and the shame of it. She'll try her best to do right by him and make him a good wife just like he'll be a good husband to her. But back in the city, driving down her street, she knows she's kidding herself if she thinks it will be easy.<p>

In a whole other state, in a romantic inn on Valentine's Day, it was easy to get swept away by pretty words and the relief that this one, final physical flaw didn't render her unacceptable in his eyes as she feared it would make her in…..other's eyes, so she said 'yes' and she meant it. But, coming home, the reality of it all begins to sink in. Coming home, she should feel excited and happy to finally have her life together once and for all, but she doesn't.

The moment the cab pulls up outside MacLaren's and she steps out onto that old familiar piece of sidewalk, the exact place where Barney almost kissed her that afternoon in the rain, she just feels like something's not quite right. And the feeling only grows as they walk upstairs to the apartment. Maybe it's because it will be entirely different back in her real life, in her real world, in her real environment. It will be so much harder to live in this bubble, to pretend and ignore all the many things she has to pretend and ignore.

That knowledge makes the front of her skull prickle with guilt…..until she realizes it will be harder for Kevin too. She still can't quite believe he's fine with the no kids thing. He says it doesn't matter to him, but it _does_; she knows it.

And when _he's_ having all these doubts of _his_, it isn't right to continue on in their engagement.

* * *

><p>Standing out on the roof in the cool breeze, smoking her second cigarette, Robin is without her comfort, her security blanket, her safety net. She's lost even her sure thing and now she's truly alone and hopeless. But she knows it's for the best. For so many reasons, it's for the best. Kevin was there for her in a time when she really needed someone, and he was willing to put up with so much. When she first met him in therapy, she was literally falling apart, reduced to weeping under tables – in public. She really doesn't know how, or even <em>if<em>, she would have made it through had it not been for their relationship. Because he told her he loved her when she felt unlovable, and he assured her she was amazing when she felt like a mess. He all but worshipped her. He was always ready to tell her how much he loved her, how special she was – even though she isn't. No one in her life has ever understood how much she needs to hear that, how much she needs that love and adoration and validation. And for all of that she loves Kevin. But she's not _in love_ with him, and on some level she thinks they both knew that.

Plus he deserves someone who can, and will, give him children. So he swore he was alright with it? No biological kids, fine. No adopted kids, fine. So she harped and harped and harped on it until she all but forced him to change his mind? So what if past the initial hurt she even felt a little relieved afterwards? The point is with Kevin that doubt, that inability to fully, truly accept her infertility was there, just like she knows it will always be for every man.

As soon as she began to really process her infertility herself and wrap her mind around what it meant to her, Robin's very next thought was how it would affect her relationships. Because it was one thing to say she never wants kids. It's another thing entirely to physically never be able to have one. There's no changing her mind here. There's no amount of persistence, or persuasion, or love that can change this….even with a guy who knows he can persuade her into almost anything. This is final. This is unalterable.

And who would want her this way? Kevin, her safe, sure thing ran away. Only a man who's absolutely, one hundred percent positive he never, ever, under any circumstances wants kids of his own could accept her. Did such a man really exist in the world? Even the founder of Not A Father's Day now wants to be a father, yet another in a long list of things standing between her and Barney – even if she had a chance in hell of ever being with him again, which she doesn't.

Her infertility is just another deal breaker, just another flaw, another of her inabilities and imperfections – and a pretty huge one at that. It's just another in the already staggering mound of emotional baggage she comes with. The real question is the same question she asked both Barney and Kevin back in November: why would anyone actually want to be with a mess like her? She still doesn't know the answer because neither man really wanted to be.

That's when Ted comes walking up behind her, and in her moment of weakness she tells him everything that happened with Kevin, and her infertility – and, most of all, the irony of finally knowing she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone and yet she can't find a single man who would actually want to spend the rest of his life with her, just as she is.

And then Ted tells her he loves her. He volunteers to be that man, and her whole world falls out from beneath her.


	17. 717

**AN**: There are allusions to episode 5.21, "Twin Beds", and episode 4.12 "Benefits", in this chapter.

Also I've done a couple of new things. There is a section from Ted's POV, which normally I wouldn't do in a B/R story but this pertains directly to the B/R love story so I thought it was important to get that angle. I also dissect a direct conversation from the show which I normally stay away from because we already know how the conversation goes, but there is so much going on in subtext there and things left unspoken that I really wanted to deal with what's going on inside Barney's head in that scene. And then at the end, I put in my interpretation of the final tag scene.

* * *

><p><strong>No Pressure<strong>

When Ted tells Robin he loves her she is shocked – more like completely thrown for a loop. She and Ted are friends and roommates, and nothing more. That's all they have been for years now. Sure, they have their little forty pact but that's just about convenience and not ending up alone. She hasn't felt anything romantic towards Ted in _ages_, and up until this moment she had no idea he's been feeling any differently. It's been five years since they broke up, and the thought that he's still hung up on her all this time later is almost too much for her to wrap her mind around.

But he drops the 'I Love You' bomb anyway. He says he wants to be with her, even without kids – and this is _Ted_. Then he adds, "No pressure" and simply leaves her up on the rooftop by herself to deal with the fallout.

'No pressure' is about the most ridiculous thing he could have said after all that because _of course_ there's pressure. This is one of her best friends in the world. This is her roommate. What he's just told her changes everything. More confusion, more instability, more emotional turmoil, are the last things she needs right now. A small part of her lingering beneath the surface – a part of the old Robin that's taken cover deep within after it's been beaten down by love, and feelings, and always only getting hurt in the end – wonders what the hell Ted was thinking telling her this _now_, in the wake of everything else she's facing.

But then Robin goes back downstairs, back inside to her bedroom, and spends a long, virtually sleepless night thinking – thinking, thinking, thinking about her life. She thinks about Kevin, she thinks about Ted, she tries _not_ to think about Barney. And the more she thinks about her life and the chaos that it's become, the more she thinks about what Ted's just said to her…..the more she fixates on it and clings to it like an inner tube thrown to a drowning man.

She was just standing there on the rooftop wondering who on earth would ever want her. Who could ever love a mess like her, with all of her faults and imperfections and baggage – and now her infertility? Then along comes Ted, this great guy who knows her and knows all her baggage better than _almost_ anyone else. Yet here he is stepping up and volunteering to be that guy. Here he is telling her he loves her and offering her that love, showing her that she doesn't have to be alone.

It fills her with this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and happiness because someone _does_ love her. She's not so completely unlovable after all. It feels so good to Robin to be wanted instead of not quite able to measure up, to be loved instead of rejected and passed over…..and far too easily forgotten.

It feels fantastic even. It's a huge sense of relief and validation to know that somebody out there can love her even exactly as she is, scars and all. And if Ted's there offering, so very wiling to love her, maybe she should just let him. She was only just crying over how bleak her life is and now Ted's offering her this ray of hope. Maybe she should just take love wherever she can find it.

And really, all the reasons to marry Kevin are essentially the same reasons to be with Ted again. Just yesterday she was ready to accept the love and companionship of a willing, suitable man simply because he offered, so why not Ted? Truth be known, she has a softer spot in her heart for Ted than she ever could for Kevin. There's just more history there. So now that she's ready for something serious it only makes sense that she should be with Ted. Ted has his life together. He's steady and grounded. With Ted, she knows exactly what she's getting: a great friend and a good man to spend her life with. She likes spending time with him and she knows he'll treat her well. He'll be caring and attentive. He won't cheat on her. He was always a good boyfriend, the _perfect_ boyfriend. Back then, his "perfect boyfriend/perfect husband" behavior could sometimes put her off, but now she appreciates the value of it.

Much like with Kevin, she doesn't have a passionate connection with Ted. He may be in love with her but she's had no such feelings for him in many, many years. In fact, looking back on it, she doubts she ever was in love with him as wildly as he seemed to be with her. Back then, she just thought she wasn't capable of it. Now she knows better…but that's a Pandora's Box best left unopened because she _has_ experienced that passionate, wild, uncontainable connection. It led to heartbreak. It turned her into a cheater, something that – thanks to her father – she absolutely hates and swore she'd never become. Feelings like that, feelings that are so strong and so unable to be ignored or turned off, those feelings are frightening. That sort of connection terrifies her. It's too dangerous and too risky to be so out of control, to have her whole self and her whole heart so vulnerable, so open and exposed to hurt.

That's why the one-sidedness of a relationship with Ted doesn't bother her, just the opposite. It makes it feel all the more safe and manageable. In fact, more than anything it makes it seem like the choice she should make. Marshall and Lily have a great marriage, the most perfect marriage Robin's ever seen, and she can picture her and Ted acting like them years down the line. They kind of already do. They enjoy each other's company. There's a clear attachment there. They're extremely close friends who even live together. They go almost everywhere together as it is. It really wouldn't take much to transition what they have right now into a marriage. That was basically the point of their forty pact.

So by the time morning comes, Robin's made her decision and she's waiting outside Ted's bedroom door ready to take him up on everything he's offered. When he swings the door open, she throws her arms around him and kisses him. It's Robin's way of expressing how grateful she is to Ted for loving her. It's her way of showing him that she's ready to make this work. And maybe it's her way of testing it, of trying to see if she really _can_ do this.

What she discovers is that it doesn't feel right. She wants this. She wants _to_ want this, even more so than with Kevin, but it feels sort of wrong and everything is still so confusing, all the more so since last night. One minute she's engaged to Kevin – actually _engaged_ to him – and the next she's kissing Ted, and it's all happened in a less than eight hour span, and maybe she just needs more time to think, to sort this all out. She tells Ted just that; they need to talk about this and seriously figure out what it all means.

Then Patrice shows up at the door and Ted has to physically hold her back because Robin literally can't take anymore. But she _has_ to take more because reality just came knocking in the form of her job and her upcoming – as in a matter of minutes – trip to Russia. From there it all goes by in a whirlwind. She's back in her bedroom, frantically throwing things into her suitcase, and then she's heading out the door for a week overseas.

Everything is still unsettled between her and Ted. Robin's entire life is unsettled, and in the wake of the real world crashing in on her and perhaps the smallest return to rationality, she's already starting to have second thoughts. Maybe she made a mistake acting so impulsively. Maybe she was stupid not to think things through a little more coherently before showing up at Ted's bedroom door and just kissing him.

"Look, about all this – " Robin begins, knowing that the doubts have already begun to creep in, but Ted interrupts her before she has a chance to finish and tells her just to go.

So she does. She takes the easy escape as she always does, but she only gets as far as the hallway before stopping. Ted was so sweet to her last night, just wanting to love her, and this morning too. Even after the sudden trip to Russia interrupted everything, there he was helping her again, getting her packed and out the door. Ted seems to always be there when she needs someone, just like at Christmas with the light show. Maybe he was right then; maybe it _is_ his job to cheer her up. Maybe they can – maybe even they _should_ – make this work.

Robin doesn't know what's going to happen next but she knows she doesn't want to leave things this way. He deserves better than that. So she races back to the apartment and kisses Ted one last time, short and sweet. "We'll continue this when I get back," she promises and she means it.

* * *

><p>The moment Robin leaves, Ted calls up Marshall and by the early afternoon Ted, Marshall, and Lily are back in their booth at MacLaren's, hashing this all out. It seems like the simplest thing in the world to Ted that he and Robin should get back together. Whether he realized it or not, subconsciously he's basically been waiting these past five years for her to be ready for something serious. Now she <em>is<em> ready, and she hasn't moved away to foreign countries for her career like she always said she would. Instead, they're already living together. There's the fact that she can't have biological children, but this is _Robin_. He could give that up for her, and they could always adopt. Every way Ted looks at it, the two of them starting over again together is a no-brainer.

Unfortunately Lily doesn't see it that way, and frankly it's jarring to Ted that one of his best friends isn't on his side about this. "I'm not rooting against you," Lily insists. "I just don't think Robin's the girl you marry."

Ted refuses to accept that, just like he refused to take no for an answer when he first met Robin – and look how far that got him. It's five years later and they're both literally in the same place, wanting the same things. This is fate and the universe sending him a sign. They _are_ meant to be together.

"Yes, it's five years later and you haven't settled down with anyone else," Lily continues, "_but_ you haven't settled down with Robin either. There must be a reason for that. What's standing in the way?"

He hates to admit it, but she raises a good point. What has stopped him and Robin from getting back together before now? Ted contemplates this for hours, Lily's question looping continually through his mind. _There must be a reason_…_What's standing in the way?_

Eventually he goes back upstairs, sits down on the couch, and opens his laptop. He decides to surf through some architectural sites to try to distract himself from Lily's maddening words because it'll be another week before he gets any kind of resolution and at this rate he'll never make it. But it's no use. He just keeps clicking on the links that take him to Russian architecture.

Then suddenly Barney comes bursting into the apartment with Marshall and Lily's tape, full of completely inappropriate excitement over the possibility of watching their two friends have sex. It reminds him of old-school Barney behavior and that's when something finally clicks for Ted.

All these years when Barney was being…..well, Barney….Robin would laugh along with him. When everyone else thought he was being gross and immature, she always smiled, she always laughed, she always found him adorable. Half the time she'd run off with him to join in on his crazy challenges. She's _always_ been drawn to Barney, and that bond has only increased over this past year. Through all the stuff with his dad and when he almost lost his job, Robin was always right there with him. All summer long they were practically glued to each other's side. Whenever someone couldn't find her and asked the question, "Where's Robin?", the answer was almost always, "With Barney". And likewise, whenever someone needed Barney, the solution almost invariably was to find Robin and he'd be nearby. There's a connection between the two of them that they just can't seem to shake. Truthfully, Ted's been wondering for awhile now how long it will be before Robin winds up back in bed with Barney…Maybe it was only as long as November.

Of course. It all makes sense now. How could he have been so blind to it all this time? Ted figured out Barney still has a soft spot for Robin way back when he gave up the Super Date for her. He's known for well over a year now that Barney's still in love with her. But he never put the important other half together until right this moment.

Staring at Barney, everything snaps into place. "Oh my god. Robin's in love with you."

* * *

><p>Barney's been looking for a distraction today. Truth be told, he's been looking for a distraction for many days, weeks, and months. As distractions go, a Marshall and Lily sex tape – especially one they've forbidden him to watch – is a pretty good one. So much so that he's tuned out to anything Ted might be doing or saying, such is his zeal to get the tape into the VCR so they can watch it.<p>

That is, until Ted's next words stop him cold. "Oh my god. Robin's in love with you."

Immediately he feels like he's been punched. The mere mention of Robin's name is almost enough to do that on its own. Add the word 'love' in the same sentence and that's all it takes. Barney looks away and hopes that, along with his silence, will be enough to deter Ted. It isn't.

"I can't believe I didn't see it before," Ted says, getting up off the couch and coming to stand before him. All the better to view his humiliation head-on. "Robin's in love with you."

Oh, how he wishes that were true, but Barney musters all the fake bravado he doesn't really feel and answers, "_No_. She's not. Trust me."

Ted interrupts him before he can go any further. "_Yes_, she is," he announces with certainty, even nodding. "Something happened between you guys. That's why you broke up with Nora. That night, I saw you in her room. There were rose petals, candles…."

Barney looks up at him sharply and he's unable to keep the edge of panic from his tone, because no one was supposed to know. He thought he covered it so well. "You saw that?"

He still can recall every last detail. So much hope, so much happiness, an entire future with Robin all destroyed with the slight shake of her head. He remembers everything about that night, the worst night of his life. Most of all he remembers the crushing pain of it. Endless pain that still hasn't gone away, that never will.

"Well then…" Barney pulls it together, meets Ted's eye again, and determines to get through the story of that night without breaking down. He decides to be awesome instead. "…maybe you also saw those rose petals and candles going into a garbage bag."

And then Barney tells Ted everything – well, almost everything; he leaves out the part about the baby they almost had together. He tells Ted how sharing a ride with Robin led to the two of them kissing, which led to the two of them sleeping together. He tells Ted that he broke up with Nora the next night – _the_ night – to be with Robin, and how he thought she would do the same thing for him too. He confesses how he had it all planned: they'd meet at MacLaren's and then go upstairs to the scene he had set for her, to their future together. But it didn't work out that way. Instead she broke his heart.

Now Barney tries to act like it's nothing. He tries to downplay the pain. It's what he's spent a lifetime doing. "She chose Kevin." He looks down then because that fact, that knowledge, has haunted him day and night for months. In his waking and sleeping hours it taunts him. He can't bring himself to say 'It doesn't matter' or 'It's okay', because it _does_ and it's _not_. Anyway, Ted will never be fooled by such an obvious lie. So he acknowledges, "It hurt, but…." He breaks eye contact again because this next truth is almost too hard for him to say. "I guess they're in love." And he's gotten so good at pretending he even manages to fake a small, if weary, smile.

"They broke up last night."

Barney absorbs this information for a moment. He hates the sick glimmer of hope that immediately rises up inside him because there is no hope. Kevin wasn't the thing standing between him and Robin. It's all Robin. She just doesn't love him and that's never going to change, whether she's with Kevin, or some other guy, or she stays single. She's never going to love him. That chance has come and gone. She doesn't feel the same way and she never will. If anything this just confirms it. Robin broke up with Kevin yet she still didn't come to him or even tell him about it. He had to hear it secondhand from Ted…Ted, who is still expecting some kind of response. So Barney gives him one. "Bummer."

Barney tries to change the subject then. He _needs_ to change the subject. But Ted will have no part of it. Ted simply can't believe that Barney's not going to do anything more. He can't understand why he doesn't plan to pursue Robin now that she's single, but Ted just doesn't get it.

"What do you want me to say, Ted?" Barney snaps, because Ted is forcing him to face truths he'd rather not know. He can't even look at him as he admits, "Whatever I thought was there….she thought differently." And, god, it hurts to know that no matter what he might say or do, that's never going to change. He can't _make_ Robin love him regardless of how much he wishes she could. Even now that she's broken up with Kevin, it still doesn't change that fact. "So, no, I don't care that Robin is single again."

Barney looks down to the sex tape bets in his hand, desperate for a distraction – someplace else to look, someplace else to focus – and he keeps chanting his mantra over and over again in his head: _Be awesome instead, Be awesome instead_.

"So if Robin started dating someone else you wouldn't mind?"

"Nope." Barney looks down, putting away his notes simply for something to do because he's pretty sure they both know he's lying.

"Even if that somebody else was me?"

Barney goes absolutely still. He hadn't seen that coming, though he probably should have. He once accused Ted of still wanting Robin back. Ted denied it and afterwards blamed it all on being drunk, but Barney was drunk that night too and he still meant every word. Earlier this very morning, it made him sick inside to find the paper about Robin and Ted ending up together inside Marshall and Lily's 'long-term bets' box. There was no such bet over Robin ending up with him. Apparently it's just the general consensus that the two of them are forever finished. But not Robin and Ted. Evidently his friends think Ted meant more to Robin than he ever could. Marshall _still_ thinks they have a chance, and it looks like he's going to win because there must be something to this. There must be some reason, some kind of sign from Robin for Ted to think there's a very real possibility they'll end up dating again.

Maybe it was always inevitable. Robin stayed with Ted for a year. It seemed to be good for her. Ted was enchanted by Robin from day one. If she's going to be with someone else, certainly no one else will treat her better.

"Even if that somebody else was you," Barney finally answers.

"_Really_?"

"Really. Hey, bros before hos, right?"

Barney can tell Ted is a little shocked. He thinks it's an insult against Robin, but Barney could never insult her. In a way, she led him on that night. She never told him no, and she could have. She never said she didn't want him or that she wouldn't break up with Kevin for him. Barney had every reason to think Robin would meet him there. Showing up at MacLaren's with Kevin in tow, flaunting their relationship in front of him for months to come, it was unnecessary – some would even say cruel – but he can't hate her for it. How can he blame her for not loving him? She's just been living her life, trying to find her happiness. And he does want that for her. More than anything, he wants Robin to be happy.

"Robin's still my bro," Barney says, a small smile lighting his face. "And if, ah – " He looks down, because even though he means it, it still isn't easy to say. " – you make her happy….than that makes me happy."

Barney brings it back to the sex tape after that, tries to play it all off and lighten the mood. But when Marshall and Lily come in a moment latter, arguing back and forth on the merits of not watching versus watching the tape, Barney's had enough of…..well, _everything_ and he takes out his pent-up emotions on Ted's VCR. It's not quite a TV, but it'll do.

Later, after Marshall and Lily leave with the sex tape back in their possession, Ted sits down and tells Barney what happened the night before with Robin. How he told her that he still loves her, how she met him at his bedroom door this morning and kissed him, how things are up in the air between them until she gets back.

Barney didn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to know. Still, it forever cements it in his mind. Maybe Robin has feelings for Ted and maybe she doesn't, but she stayed with Kevin and now apparently she's considering dating Ted again. Ted is the first man she came to after the breakup, so it can't be a 'no exes' rule. But still not him. Never him. It's over between them for good, forever. No matter how much it hurts, he just has to accept that it's never, never going to be him.

* * *

><p>Her first night in Moscow, Robin has a lot of thinking to do and she hates it. She isn't the type to sit and contemplate her life or confront her feelings. If something is complicated and emotional and painful she buries it as deep as she can and tries to forget all about it. She tries to pretend that everything is okay and just as it was before.<p>

But the stark truth is one night she accepted Kevin's proposal and the very next she was willing to get back together with Ted – and she isn't in love with either man. That certainly requires some soul-searching, especially when Ted is still waiting for her back home, expecting an answer.

Separate and apart, a half a world away from her troubles it makes it a little bit easier to see them more clearly, and what Robin sees she doesn't like. Her entire life she'd always imagined herself this independent career woman, but sometimes things change and you discover you want different things. Life gives you something unexpected and you become someone different than you ever thought you'd be; someone that you never knew you _could_ be. As important as her career is to her, Robin knows it's not enough anymore. She wants more than just to be independent and successful. Somewhere along the line she's grown tired of being alone. She wants to share life with someone. She's finally ready to be in a serious committed relationship.

Then along came Kevin, and dating him just seemed like the thing to do. He was this nice guy who just wanted to be with her. More than that, he was actually in love with her. It seemed like the smart, mature thing to do, to take that love while it was there and waiting. When that all fell apart she felt worse than ever. Then suddenly – completely, shockingly out of the blue – there was Ted, stepping up and truly wanting to be with her, enough to give up children even. There was Ted, telling her he's in love with her, and it was so nice to know that someone could love her despite everything. For those few minutes that morning in their apartment, it was so incredibly good to feel wanted and appreciated and loved. It was confusing and jumbled because it all happened so quickly, but still it was surprisingly easy to slide into it and just let Ted love her. It's essentially what she did with Kevin throughout the entire course of their relationship.

And that's where she has to take pause because the fact that she was willing to so impulsively and thoughtlessly – even recklessly – go along with both men proves that it wasn't anything special about Kevin that made her agree to marry him. She couldn't be ready and willing to so easily replace him with Ted if she had felt anything deep and real and meaningful. Honestly, since he left the apartment that night, she hasn't missed Kevin or thought of him at all, other than in regret. Even when they were together, she never thought of him, or missed him when he was away, or craved him….or _loved_ him.

That's when Robin has to face the ugly truth that she's been wasting months trying to force happiness with someone and something she didn't even really want just because she thought it was the only option left to her at this point in her life. If she's honest with herself she suspects that's probably the real reason Kevin 'unproposed'. And, really, he deserves someone who can be head-over-heels in love with him. He's a Ted. He needs that out of marriage. It isn't enough for him just to settle for the one he happens to be with when he happens to be ready for marriage. That may be a good choice – the _only_ choice – for her but it's not for him. She was being selfish ignoring that up until now.

…And that's even truer for Ted. She would have done the exact the same thing with him. The realization hits her hard. _She actually tried to swap one out for the other_. What was she thinking? What a mistake she almost made.

This thing that she'd done with Kevin, and what she almost did with Ted, it was all about her own personal issues and that's just plain wrong. How could she consider even for a second letting Ted love her and feel like the relationship is real when she knows deep down it isn't and never could be? He's spent years looking for his soul mate, "The One". Entering into a relationship of convenience with Ted might make her feel better for a little while but it's not right for him.

She knows he wants kids too. He's always wanted kids. That was a huge sticking point when they were together for real all those years ago. She can't let him give that up for her, especially when she doesn't even love him back, not the way he wants. And if she did try to be happy with him, if she tried to make herself fall in love with him now, it would just end up ruining their friendship, the one piece of stability she has left.

Robin can't do this to either one of them. When she gets back to New York, as difficult and awkward as it will be, she has to tell Ted no.

She may be tired of being alone and she may want a serious relationship now, but the real truth – the hardest truth to face – is that she isn't ready for one, not when her heart belongs to another man.

That's the crux of her problem. No matter how she looks at it, it always comes back to Barney. But she can't allow herself to think about him. She's simply forbidden it. It can't be between them for so many reasons and she _has_ to shut off those feelings. But until she can, she has to stay single. In the meantime, until she is ready, her career at WWN just might be the best place to focus her attention. It's a humble start but at least it's a start, and it's a lot easier than thinking about how much she really doesn't like the person she's become.

* * *

><p>Robin's second, third, and fourth nights in Russia are much less depressing, and she's starting to feel more like her old self again. By her fifth night there, things are definitely looking up for her because although her dreams of traveling the globe to cover foreign affairs didn't include Russia's Butter Festival, she's learned a lot about the town and the people and their culture, and it's actually very interesting and unexpectedly fun.<p>

The thing that surprises her most, that instantly stands out, is that they actually have laser tag in Russia, only it is way more badass than in the United States. It's too cold for it now but some of the locals showed her their home videos and it's amazing. They have these incredible outdoor tournaments in the middle of the forest, with guys wearing camouflage and hiding behind tress and doing barrel rolls in the dirt – and Barney would _seriously_ love it.

The minute she sees it, she's absolutely thrilled and cannot wait to tell him about it. As soon as she gets back to her hotel room, Robin grabs her cell to call him. She has the phone in her hand, her finger hovering over his name, when she remembers. She felt so much like her old self that until this moment she actually forgot. She can't call Barney. They don't do this now. They barely speak at all. They're hardly even friends anymore.

She sits there a moment stock-still. Then the phone slips through her hand down onto the bed, and she starts crying and crying and can't seem to stop. She's lost him. She's lost almost every trace of him, because he's there but just out of reach. They can't even talk and laugh and have fun like they used to. It's all gone…..And sometimes she thinks she made a huge, monumental mistake.

But then she knows. She knows there was no other choice. For so many reasons, it _had_ to be this way. It was for the best for both of them. Everything that's happened since then has only proven that more and more.

Yet all that knowledge and all that rationality doesn't stop it from hurting like nothing she's ever known before. The pain won't stop, and now that at last she's given in to a moment of weakness the tears won't stop either, until finally, all alone in a bleak hotel room in Russia, she falls down onto the bed, curls in on herself, and gives herself over to the weeping. She lets herself cry openly and without shame because there's no one here to see her, no one here to know.

Eventually, utterly exhausted and emotionally spent – and aided by some Russian Vodka – she cries herself to sleep, distraught and torn and conflicted over this love for Barney that she can't seem to make go away despite all her best efforts.

* * *

><p>When Robin first arrives at the airport and finds Ted waiting there for her, she smiles and playfully takes the cap from his head because she's glad to see her friend again. She's happy to see his familiar face after a week away, and she's excited to tell him all about the adventures she's had.<p>

But at the same time, as Ted takes her out to dinner at the same restaurant he did all those years ago – to the one place in New York she knows he considers _their_ place – it's uncomfortable and strained because how the night ends is going to change both of their lives irrevocably, no matter what happens next. Robin hates to have to let Ted down this way. She's going to disappoint him and hurt him, and she knows all too well how that feels.

Part of her stupidly clings to the hope that maybe he just won't bring it up again and they can act like it never happened and simply go back to normal. By the end of the night, however, it's clear she won't be so lucky.

She's just sat down beside him on the living room couch when Ted asks her outright, "It's not gonna happen, is it?"

There's nothing left for Robin to say but, "I'm sorry." And in that small statement there are a multitude of 'sorry's:I'm sorry that I have to hurt you; I'm sorry that you feel more than I do; I'm sorry that now that I actually want commitment and marriage I still don't want it with you; I'm sorry that I don't love you. I wish I could. It would be so much easier on us both if I could.

The next thing out of Ted's mouth surprises Robin. In fact, it leaves her in a bit of a panic because she thought she'd hide it so well. "It's because of Barney."

It's not even a question but a blank statement of fact, as if Ted has no doubt, and it troubles her. It hits far too close to home, so she instantly snaps to denial. As defense mechanisms go, this one is second nature to her.

"What? No. Barney and I…" She wants to say '_Barney and I aren't involved_' or '_Barney and I are just friends_' but she can't quite bring herself to say it. "…..we….." She tries to say '_We're over_' but her heart won't let the words form on her tongue. Finally she simply settles for, "No, no."

And it's partially the truth and partially a lie, because of course her feelings for Barney impact it on some small level in the same way her feelings for Barney will impact any relationship she has with a man until she can stop having those feelings for Barney at all. But it's so much more than just that. Even if there was no Barney, it still would never work between her and Ted. It's something he apparently never figured out on his own if he's been waiting all this time for her to be ready for something more, but she's known it for years now. Still, she tries to let him down easy. She tries to keep feelings completely out of it. She tells him how he's the one stability in her life that's somehow become entirely unstable, and she needs to be able to count on that. She tells him how she would never want to do anything to harm their friendship.

Robin tries to sugarcoat it and soften her rejection but from the look on Ted's face he's not buying it. 'I just want us to always be friends' is almost as bad as 'It's not you, it's me', so she tries to lighten the mood by smiling and reminding him that they always have their forty pact. She says it in a light way, almost laughing, like it's this inside joke between them. It's primarily to ease Ted's feelings but maybe there is a slight trace of lingering desperation to not be alone and unloved forever.

But she realizes how very serious Ted is about all this when he tells her he can't do the forty pact anymore, that they can't leave the door even partially opened that way. By the time he refers to marrying her at age forty as 'winning the lottery' she can no longer look him in the eye because it hurts her to hurt him this way.

"I think you know how you feel about me now," Ted tells her, "and I don't think time's gonna change that."

And he's right. She does know how she feels about him now, or rather how she doesn't feel. She just didn't want to have to say it out loud.

"Just tell me. Do you love me?"

Tears fill Robin's eyes as she gives him the answer he's asking for but not the one he wants. "No."

Ted takes it well. He suggests they just forgot he ever said anything about it, but the silence is heavy in the room because they both realize what neither of them is brave enough to say: things are forever changed between them now.

* * *

><p>Later that night, when Robin's in her room unpacking, Marshall walks in and tells her he's just come from talking with Ted. She's a bit surprised to hear that Ted's told anyone about what happened, or didn't happen, between then. She'd kind of thought he'd keep it to himself. It just proves even further that things aren't going to be the same anymore. First Barney and now Ted. She's slowly losing everyone, and she has a niggling feeling in the back of her mind that it's largely her own fault.<p>

Marshall keeps talking. He won't let Robin ignore things even if she's content to. He tells her that Ted's not okay, that this is killing him. Then he says the words that _will_ change everything: "You've gotta move out".

"I know," she replies, and she does know. She already did. As much as she wants to pretend everything's okay and just maintain the status quo, she knows she can't be a backup wife for Ted and he can't be her crutch any more than Kevin could or any other guy. She has a hard road ahead of her, but it's time she started taking charge of her life again.

Over the next day and half, Robin packs up her belongs and prepares to move out. Even though she knows she's doing the right thing, there's an aching sadness in her heart as she stands with her suitcase in the threshold of the apartment that's held so many memories for her. She remembers mornings spent with Ted, laughing together over cereal and coffee while he told her of last night's failed attempt to find "The One". She remembers all the Super Bowl parties they had here, the five of them clustered around the TV – and maybe they still will next year, but everything's changing now.

She remembers other times too, times apart from the group, apart from Ted. After all, for the past years she's lived and loved here too. Robin remembers countless times during their summer together when she and Barney would sneak away from MacLaren's and none of the gang would be any the wiser that they didn't have dates or weren't going back into work but they were actually upstairs together, insanely making out on the same couch that she's currently looking at now. One particularly desperate time they didn't even make it to the couch. They only got as far as the spot she's standing in right now before giving up and having sex against the apartment door.

There are a lot of memories here that Robin doesn't want to leave but she knows she has to, so she gathers up all her strength and walks out the door. As much as she doesn't want change and as hard as she resists any kind of introspection she knows she has to sit down and figure some things out about herself, alone. It's a ridiculous saying – some kind of psychological mumbo-jumbo that she'd normally delight in making fun of – but right now she really does need to find herself. She has to get her life together again and stop wallowing in the excuse of being a mess. She needs to work on getting back in control of her destiny, getting back to the person she once used to be, who had it so much more together and knew exactly what she wanted.

With a heavy heart, she walks down the stairs, leaving the old apartment building behind. Hailing a cab and placing her suitcase inside, Robin thinks she may be finally making some progress where her wheels have been spinning in place for far too long. Sure, she's officially homeless now and that feels like a step backwards but sometimes that's the only way forwards, like the cab pulling out of the parallel parked spot.

Actually, she's rather proud of herself. She could have taken the easy way. She could have simply said yes to Ted and had a months' long forced relationship with him like she did with Kevin. But she recognized it wasn't right and she did the hard thing by putting a stop to it. It's the first real initiative she's taken in her life in a very long time.

As Robin watches the long familiar views fade away and then disappear when the cab turns the corner, as scary and unknown as this is, she knows eventually some sort of positive growth is going to come from it, just like the first time she moved to New York.

* * *

><p>That night Barney meets Ted at MacLaren's for drinks. Truth be known, he's been avoiding the group ever since Robin came back from Russia. He's skipped going to the bar for the past two nights for fear of running into Ted or Robin – or worse, the two of them there together. He's even ignored the texts from Ted, curtly texting back that he's been caught up at work. He knew he'd have to face things eventually but he just wasn't ready to hear about it – to <em>see<em> it – just yet. But then Ted called him twice and he finally had to pick up, finally had to take his punishment like a man.

Of course Ted wants to tell him every little aspect about what happened from the moment he picked Robin up at the airport. Barney does his best to act aloof – and his best is pretty damn good after years of perfecting it. He acts like he doesn't care, like he's not bothered at all when Ted talks about the two of them going to dinner at their old restaurant and revisiting the blue French horn.

But his armor cracks maybe just a little when Ted says, "I got the feeling she really did want to try again with us and make things work this time."

It hurts. It hurts Barney so much to know that Robin wants to make things work, actually _tries_ to make things work, with every other man but him. Why is he the only one not worth at least a try?

"But," Ted continues, evidently oblivious to what he's going through, which is good because that's exactly how Barney wants it, "I could feel something wasn't right. So I just came out and said it: 'It's not gonna happen, is it?' I pinned her down and asked her to tell me pointblank if she's in love with me."

"And?" Barney prompts, careful to keep too much interest from his voice.

"…..No. No, she's not." Ted shakes his head. "Robin isn't in love with me."

Barney pauses, his eyes skirting away as he takes in the information. Then finally he answers, "I'm sorry, Ted."

Ted gives him a meaningful look. "Are you?"

"Yeah. I am." He does feel sorry for Ted. He's been there and lived that moment and there are no words for how awful it is. "Believe me, I know how that feels." Ted nods silently. "…..And if someone's gonna make Robin happy, you're a great guy to do it."

Ted smiles. "Thanks. But no, I'm not. I'm not the guy who can make her happy. That's why she isn't in love with me."

It's Barney's turn to nod at that. What he told Ted a week ago was true. He does want Robin to be happy, no matter what, even though it's not with him, even though it can never be with him. If Ted had been that guy – that lucky, lucky guy who actually does make Robin happy, who she _is_ in love with – it would've hurt like hell but Barney would have wanted that for her, if that's what _she_ wanted.

Deep down though there's a huge part of him that is overwhelmingly relieved to hear that Ted _isn't_ that guy and he won't have to watch him with Robin, living the life he wanted to be his.

The booth's grown quiet for several minutes now with neither man saying anything at all until Ted suddenly jumps in with, "Do you remember that time we flew to Philadelphia and licked the Liberty Bell?"

Barney gratefully grabs on to the change of subject with both hands, widely grinning as he recounts their adventure. Since this little talk with Ted, for the first time in a tense week Barney finds himself able to laugh again. He just doesn't allow himself to think too closely on the reason why.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: The part about laser tag in Russia really is true. If you Google search "Russia laser tag" you'll get awesome video of it.


	18. 718

**AN**: I did something I've never done before in one of my stories this chapter and strayed dangerously close to a song fic. I'm not really a fan of those in general so I tried to stay away from that element of it by making this something that arose out of the character's natural environment, and then I kept it strictly to the character's inner reaction to hearing those lyrics that hit so close to home. So if you hate song fics you'll have to forgive me. It's only a small section, but I couldn't resist because the song is so perfectly applicable to what's happening right now on the show.

* * *

><p><strong>Karma<strong>

Sitting in the Lusty Leopard with Ted, Barney's life has hit a new low because, while he's not about to breathe a word of this to Ted, he's got beautiful half-naked women dancing for him and he's bored of it. Point of fact, he doesn't even really want to be here. It's just going through the motions at this point. He's sick of all the womanizing. It's no longer enough for him, and in fact he's grown to secretly hate the lifestyle. He doesn't want to be _that_ guy anymore. His dad was right; there's no fulfillment in it at all.

But he's here in a strip club, falling back on old habits, because what else is he going to do? Everything with Robin is a dead end. She doesn't love him, and what he told Ted is true; he just wants her to be happy. Part of giving her that happiness means respecting her wishes. She doesn't want to be with him, so he's determined to keep his feelings for her buried as deeply as possible. He's certainly not going to bother her with any further declarations since that's the last thing shewants, but her newly single status is dangerous. It's just like before they first got together, where for an entire year whenever they were alone together he was always on the cusp of just blurting it out that he loved her. He can't allow himself to do that to her now, not when she's already made her feelings very clear.

That's why they can't even be friends anymore. There is too much left unspoken, too much unresolved, so much not yet dealt with. They pretend like they're friends and nothing has changed but in reality they can barely be around each other, him for fear of spilling some of the feelings he's holding inside for her and Robin no doubt because of awkwardness and probably concerns that he'll try coming on to her again.

It's an all-around hopelessly depressing situation, and Ted isn't helping it any by endlessly pattering on about Robin and how wonderful she is, and how much he misses her, and how she so thoroughly rejected him. It keeps it right there in the forefront of Barney's mind what he's trying so desperately to forget: how Robin stomped all over _his_ heart. First with Kevin and then with Ted. She ran to every man but him. Barney can't think of more definitive proof of how Robin feels about him, or rather _doesn't_.

He's desperate and lonely and hurting, and he has been for too long now. He's got to move on from Robin for the sake of his own sanity. So when Ted's still going on about how empty his life is without Robin, Barney latches on to the first distraction that comes to mind in a roomful of half naked women: the last one he slept with, Quinn. He may be tired of all the 'plays' and cheap hookups but there is something to throwing all of his efforts and energy toward one woman. That's what he did with Nora, and while it was far from perfect it was certainly better than the empty womanizing.

And so Barney pushes the focus to Quinn. He turns the conversation to his feelings for her, how he can't stop thinking about, her eyes and her hair. He even mimics the same words he said at the beginning about Robin, hoping to capture that same feeling – never mind he hasn't mentioned or really even thought of Quinn over the past weeks until this very moment. There was at least something of interest there and that's the best he's got, so he's jumping in full force. He's just got to find her again.

* * *

><p>Barney and Ted are back at the apartment and neither one can believe that they were just talking about finding Quinn and then suddenly there she was. In a city of eight million, Ted calls it destiny, which of course Barney makes light of because he doesn't believe in destiny. Every time he's tried, destiny laughs at him. The last time he believed in destiny and soul mates and happily ever after he envisioned a grand scenario of love and laughter for the rest of his life and that all got shattered in an instant.<p>

But Barney knows now that he wants to settle down. He believes now that it really can be done; his father showed him that. What he really wants is love and commitment and a meaningful relationship. The door to Robin has been closed – and locked, and chained, with an armed guard standing in front – but maybe Ted's right about Quinn. Maybe it is destiny. She could be something special. She _has_ to be, because if she is something special then his life won't be empty and hopeless anymore.

So Barney stands up and declares it, and it's as official as "challenge accepted". He's just talked himself into it and no matter what Ted says he's absolutely determined not to be talked out of it. Ted, however, is notably in favor of it, and whatever arguments Barney's imagining are coming strictly from his own mind. It doesn't matter though. Quinn must be his destiny.

* * *

><p>Back at the Lusty Leopard, Ted thinks he's being a fool. He thinks he's trying to force something special where nothing truly exists, but Barney isn't as big of an idiot as Ted might think. Deep down, he knows he's trying way too hard, but sometimes Barney needs to force things – like that Bob Barker was his dad – because that's what life's handed him and that's the only way to get through. And sometimes forcing things can make them actually come to be. Ted seems to forget that's exactly how he ended up with Robin in the first place.<p>

Now both of them are trying to move on from her. Ted's chosen to just constantly mope, but Barney's been there and felt that and he'd rather be awesome instead, which is why he's looking for a _replacement_ for Robin.

With Nora, he liked that she was sweet and pretty. She played laser tag with him – and actually liked it. She was willing to take care of him when he was sick. She even wore a sundress. Those were some of the very things he shared with Robin and some of the characteristics he loves about her. If he's going to find a replacement for Robin it only makes sense to find someone who's at least similar to her. After all, that's clearly what he likes in a woman.

Quinn is nothing like Nora, but she is somewhat like Robin. He noticed that during the night he spent with her, and if he's honest with himself it's really that and not the great sex that makes him show up back at her door. He's had great sex with a lot of women, but Quinn's fun and spunky and sharp and quick-witted like Robin. And maybe in time he can feel with her what he felt with Robin…..Or maybe whatever he _can_ feel for Quinn will end up being enough.

* * *

><p>At his apartment, over yet another glass of scotch, Barney still can't believe Quinn was playing him – although he did make it easy for her, wanting to believe in something, wanting to feel something meaningful so very badly. He knows he probably had it coming too. He preyed on sad, vulnerable women for years. He actually once said, "That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?", so he figures he probably just finally got what he deserves.<p>

It still stings though and makes him feel like a fool because he tried to be nice and honest and real. He tried to put himself out there again, and this is how he gets repaid. It seems like such a waste too because he honestly did feel like there was potential there. He thought that Quinn really was the next person he could get serious about.

At the same time though, if he allows himself a moment of undiluted self-reflection now that Quinn is no longer a possibility, he recognizes that if he truly was falling in love with her he'd be more torn apart by her rejection than he is right now, but what he feels is more wounded pride than actual pain.

Finishing off his fourth glass of scotch, he can suddenly hear the words of Nora's father running through his mind:

"When you meet the right person, you _know_ it. You can't stop thinking about them. They're your best friend, and

your soul mate. You can't wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare."

No one and nothing else can compare…No one and nothing else….._No one_. It taunts him, repeating over and over again: No one can compare. No one can compare.

Now that his distraction is gone, Barney knows it was all really just a desperate attempt to try to forget and move on from Robin. He knows it but he doesn't _want_ to know it. So he tells the voice to shut the hell up. He walks over and flicks on his Sirius radio to drown the voice out. Then he pours himself a fifth glass of scotch. But the song that's playing on the radio makes him laugh bitterly because even that betrays him.

The man mournfully sings – _How can I forget you_? _The memories come and_ go. _You're all I've ever wanted_. _You're all I've ever known_. _Can I be happy living with your ghost_? – and Barney takes a large gulp of scotch, hoping it will burn away the memories, burn away the pain, but it seems to only sharpen them both.

_The pictures tell the story_. _I took them off the wall_ – the song continues to mock him because he's tried, he's tried so hard, and the song seems to know. He's tried with all he has in him to forget every last image of her, especially the private ones that only he's seen – her hair tussled and her smile warm as she sits down on the bed beside him, still in her nightgown, and kisses him awake, telling him she's already made coffee; the look of surprise on her face the first time they shower together and he's suddenly squirted his bath gel all over her naked body just for the pleasure of rubbing it in; the very last time they made love, with thrown clothing and eager hands, and rolling with her, sinking into her, loving her for everything he's worth. God, he wishes he could forget. He _needs_ to forget. But he can't.

The song plays on – _It's hard enough to get through_. _I still can feel the fall_. _Do you even think of me at all_? – and that's the sad irony of it. He's spending yet another night tortured over her, over what she's done to his life, and it doesn't faze Robin in the slightest. Just a few weeks ago she was engaged to another man.

It's all the more reason why he _has_ to move on, which is what he was _trying_ to do but destiny wouldn't allow him even that because Quinn didn't really want him either. If only Quinn had wanted him at least he could be with her tonight instead of getting drunk to a sad love song like some pathetic brokenhearted loser.

But then the sad love song tells him why he's wrong: _I can start it over and find somebody new_. _A beautiful distraction_. _Just a hand to hold on to_. _But if you ask me, would that love be true_? _No, I want you_. _Only you_. _There's no one else for me but you_.

Barney throws the glass against the wall, watches it shatter into a million pieces as the remnants of scotch drip down onto the floor, and he wonders how he's going to fix this. There's no reinventing himself this time. There's no exorcising this particular demon. Robin's made an indelible mark on his heart and he knows too well that no amount of drinking or crying or womanizing is ever going to be enough to wash it away.

* * *

><p>Her first night at Patrice's apartment, after sitting through an awkward and honestly just plain sad welcome party, Robin's shut herself in the spare bedroom which she supposes is <em>her<em> bedroom now – that is, until she can find a place of her own.

It's still so weird not living back at the apartment. True, she's moved around a lot in her life so moving yet again isn't that big of a deal…..except that was the longest she's ever lived in one apartment in years. Of course there was that interlude when she and Barney were together and she was all but living with him. Most of her things were at his place and she never even went back to the apartment for days on end, and when she did it was never to spend the night. Then she briefly lived with Don for a couple weeks. But no place has ever felt more like home in a very long time than the little apartment overtop MacLaren's.

Her stay with Lily and Marshall out in the suburbs certainly hadn't felt very homey. It felt more like finding herself in an uncharted land, then being captured and imprisoned by the once friendly native tribe. Robin had to escape. One more night of that would have driven her crazy. She only took away two things from the experience: that knowledge that Lily and Marshall are truly miserable living outside the city; and what has now become her secret, shameful addiction. Not the Snugglet, though she did manage to swipe one. No, it's the journaling that she's really taken to.

When Lily first gave her the journal, naturally, she thought it was a stupid idea. "It helps work through stuff to write about it", Lily had said, and if the whole group had been together at MacLaren's that's exactly the time Robin would had turned to Barney and the two would have shared a sarcastic look over just how lame that was. Yet the fact that it hurt so very much to realize what they _would have_ done but now no longer do made Robin consider for a second if Lily might be right – a fleeting thought she soon shook herself out of.

But she wrote in the journal anyway because Lily wanted her to, and frankly Lily seemed to be watching her an unnatural amount of the time. Robin wrote about her "captivity" to illustrate just how lame the journal was, but she soon discovered it actually was kind of freeing to get her thoughts out, especially when she did feel so isolated and alone even right there amongst her suddenly creepy friends.

So when she moved back to the city, Robin secretly bought herself a new journal – a real one this time – and tonight's her first attempt at trying to truly use it. Ordinarily, she runs away from emotional confrontations whenever possible, even with herself, but it's about time she started getting her life together and the only way to do that is to figure out how it fell apart in the first place.

It's hard at first but she just starts writing whatever comes to mind, and once she starts she finds it's not so scary after all. It's certainly way easier to get it all out on paper than to actually tell someone about it. The paper can't judge, or make fun, or feel pity for her. As the night goes on, Robin in fact discovers there's something very cathartic about writing down her innermost thoughts and feelings, her fears and pains. Lily doesn't know the half of it, but she really did have a point; Robin does need to work through some stuff.

She isn't proud of most of her actions over the past few months. Honestly, she isn't even entirely sure why she did some of the things she did. She's made some destructive choices lately but at least she realizes now that unless she's head over heels in love with a guy she has no business marrying him. What she still needs to do is get to the root of why she so desperatelywants and needs to feel loved at all costs. She hates to admit it – though it's a lot easier when she's not actually saying it out loud – but her dad's lifelong rejection probably plays a large role. She isn't so self-deluded as to not realize that, but just because she knows it doesn't mean she wants to talk about or have to deal with it. And now finding out she can't have kids – that whether she wanted them or not her body has let her down and even _it_ can't function properly – only made it that much worse.

Really, ever since she found out about her infertility she's sat back and let life passively happen to her, as if when the choice of having children was taken away from her it took away all other choice along with it. But it _didn't_ take away all of her choices. True, it closed off certain pathways. One door in particular that she hoped to leave partially open slammed shut and locked with the news, but the odds are he wasn't going to walk back through that door again anyway regardless.

No matter what harsh blows she's taken lately, Robin knows she's got to stop listlessly drifting along in her own life. That's the number one thing she's realized in two and a half hours worth of writing. So many of her problems are a direct result of her own contentedness to be safe and comfortable and maintain the status quo. She's been so afraid to take any kind of scary risks and it's hampered her life in every possible way. That's why last Christmas she almost took a job as a coin flip bimbo instead of taking a shot at the hard off-camera research job. She wouldn't even have her position at World Wide News right now if it hadn't been for Ted's prodding, and she would have missed out on the actual hard-hitting news stories she's gotten to cover – even if it wasn't in front of the camera – as well as all the great experiences she just had in Russia. Her clinging to comfortable, safe things is also why she agreed to marry Kevin, and why she almost did something stupid with Ted.

She's been hiding out in her life and it's far past time to stop indulging in uncertainty and self-pity. She's Robin Scherbatsky, dammit, and she's far better than that. Yeah, there is some level of fate and chance and destiny to the important things in life – like someday finally getting her big career break – or when an unexpected hardship strikes – like when Marshall's father suddenly died or when she found out she can never have a baby – but in spite of all that she _can_ shape her destiny by the way she reacts to those things that happen in life. Lately she hasn't been reacting like Robin Scherbatsky at all, and that needs to end tonight.

Perhaps most importantly, she knows she has to figure out why she can't just let herself be happy. It's something she'd only just started to get into in her therapy sessions, but then Kevin went from being her therapist to her boyfriend and whatever progress she was making came to a complete halt. Actually she went further backwards. Maybe it all goes back to fear again, and she's just afraid of what will happen if she ever does finally have perfect happiness in her grasp but then she does something stupid to mess it up. Whatever the cause, she's been sabotaging her life by making choices that are easy but aren't true to herself and what her heart really wants.

That's what causes Robin to think about that other area – _the_ area – the one she most likes to avoid, and suppress, and deny. The one place where she's most terrified, where she was literally _petrified_ – unable to move, so paralyzed by her fear of what might happen next that she was unable to respond the way she so desperately wanted to.

But ultimately Robin decides that's an area – that's a man – best tackled another night. She's too tired to sort through that endless mass of emotions tonight. Besides, the journal is long and she's still got plenty of time to figure that out.

* * *

><p>The next morning, with a terrible headache no amount of aspirin can touch and the worst hangover he's had since – well, the morning after that night in November he'd rather not think about – Barney pops into the coffee shop next to his apartment building to order the strongest drink they have before going in to work.<p>

It comes as a shock to Barney to find Quinn in front of him in line. This is the second time it's happened to him now, this woman being thrown into his path, and he's starting to think maybe Ted was right. Maybe it _is_ fate. Maybe destiny wasn't mocking him last night. Maybe it was just trying to bring him in for coffee this morning.

So Barney does his best to convince Quinn how wrong she was and that she should have given him a chance, and when she agrees to buy him coffee he inwardly breathes a sigh of relief because he knows he's just gotten his distraction back and life won't have to be so miserable anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I tried to play with this season's theme of timing, and more specifically to B/R's bad timing, at the end there by having Robin decide to further put off dealing with her feelings for Barney because she's got 'plenty of time' on the night before he reencounters and will ultimately start dating Quinn.

And if you're wondering, the song Barney gets drunk to is called "Only You" by Matthew Perryman Jones.


	19. 719

**The Broath**

The past couple of weeks have been hard on Robin to say the least. When for at least the tenth time in that two week period Patrice comments on how generally unhappy Robin seems, Robin snaps at her in return. After graciously opening her house to her while she's looking for a new apartment, Robin knows it's the last thing Patrice deserves – especially after presenting her with a plate of her favorite cookies – but she _has_ been smothering her. She keeps baking everything – cookies, cakes, pies, any kind of comfort food – in an attempt to make her feel better, but all it's going to succeed in doing is make her fat.

Robin knows she means well. Patrice has said over and over again that she feels bad because Robin feels bad, but it just makes Robin feel even worse that apparently the sadness she's tried so hard to hide is actually quite transparent. Patrice wants her to talk about her feelings and work through her problems, but Patrice can't even begin to understand the complexity of what's happening in her life, how much it's all fallen apart, and how there's really no winning no matter what she does.

Things are still beyond awkward between her and Ted. They hang out with the others but whenever she tries to reach out to him one-on-one he won't even answer her calls. And speaking of 'the others', there's been a very noticeable absence in their group. For the past two weeks Barney has completely disappeared, and not that she would know personally but from what she hears from Ted and Marshall he's not even answering his calls or texts.

After they slept together in November their friendship pretty much disintegrated but at least she could still be around him. She could still see him. She could still hear his voice and his inappropriate jokes, even if they always were about banging some woman. She still got to experience him. Now there's just this empty void. Sometimes they'll all be sitting around at their booth in MacLaren's, someone will mention Barney, and that's all it takes to get her started. Other times she'll be in Patrice's apartment all by herself and suddenly something will remind her of him, of something the two of them did together. Often, late at night, her mind simply goes wondering…..always back to him.

After all this time she thought she'd have a handle on it, but the feelings still get the better of her. The memories still taunt her. They come crashing into the fragile little existence she's created and they wreck havoc. They make people like Patrice notice that she's been "down lately". She hates herself for not being stronger but those feelings are all still there no matter what she does to try to stop them – and she's tried everything, with each and every part of her, to make them go away. But it's no use. Her heart still longs for Barney. Stupid heart.

Robin knows that back in the fall she messed things up between them big time. She just isn't sure if it was the sleeping together part or the not taking a chance with him afterwards that was the true mistake. One thing's for sure, she misses him like crazy.

And she misses Ted too. Not having one of her best friends in the world to go to certainly isn't helping matters. Not that she would talk to him about Barney, especially not now, but at least she'd have Ted to talk to period.

Things are at an all-time low for Robin where she really can't imagine them getting much worse. That's when the universe shows her that oh yes, they can. She's sitting at their booth with Marshall and Lily when Ted bursts into MacLaren's and announces that Barney's dating a stripper who's going to steal all his money – and Robin's fragile little world implodes.

Of course that perfectly explains why Barney's been missing these past weeks; he's had no time for the group because he's busy with some woman…and this time not just some woman he sleeps with and moves on, like the others. This time it's someone he's actually fallen for, evidently to quite a great degree if Ted actually thinks he's in danger of being taken advantage of by her.

They all go upstairs to talk about it but Robin is still completely in shock. Thankfully the others are too preoccupied to notice she hasn't so much as uttered a word since Ted delivered the news of Barney's new relationship – or the fact that she's the only one drinking, _constantly_ drinking. In fact she feels like that bottle of beer is her lifeline, her only link to sanity, the only thing keeping her from having a complete breakdown. It's all the more true when Ted starts telling them about all the incredible "mind-blowing sex" Barney's having with his new girlfriend. It feels a bit like being slapped, struck head-on, only the wound isn't visible. For a moment she simply stops and looks away lest one of the others sees the hurt in her eyes, then she swings some more of her beer, hoping if she drinks enough it'll numb her to the pain.

Robin always knew to be suspicious of Barney and strippers, and for a second she wonders if his new girlfriend is one of the women she saw him with the night they all hung out with Stripper Lily. The thought makes all that beer sit heavy on her stomach.

When they all get up to leave, Robin reaches for her coat and her purse and that's when she realizes. Without even noticing what she's been doing, she's taken to wearing around the raincoat and purse she had on the day of the hurricane, the day when Barney almost kissed her, when he told her that a day without talking to her is "just no good". There have been a great many days without talking to each other now – the past couple of weeks without even seeing each other – and maybe she just needed a subconscious reminder of how he once felt, of how those days without each other were once no good for him too, and not just her. Now she feels like a fool.

Things only get worse when she's forced to meet Quinn, of the perfect hair and perfect smile and perfect apartment. But actually those superficial things are the only perfect things about her. The entire time they're over at Quinn's place Robin does her best to avoid Barney. She won't speak to him, won't look at him. She can't bear to deal with him, or rather her _feelings_ for him, at all. But even in the midst of her attempting to ignore the two of them together in the childish philosophy that if she just doesn't look at it then it isn't true, Robin can't help noticing how terribly Quinn treats Barney. It kills her to watch him sit there and just take it, like he's so enamored with Quinn he doesn't even notice, like he's so in love with her he'll put up with anything. Robin is deeply troubled by everything she sees, but she uses every last bit of the strength she learned in her childhood to pretend like it doesn't bother her at all.

After the dinner party from hell, Robin wants to shout to the world that she hates Quinn, that she's terrible, that Barney is far too good for her, but she can't say any of those things. She doesn't even feel right agreeing too vocally with the rest of the gang. She's afraid of being too obvious and having one of them put it together and suspect her feelings for Barney, particularly since she already dodged that bullet once with Ted. She never wants any of them to find out, least of all now, when Barney's so crazy about someone else. To have anyone figure out that she's in love with Barney now that he's moved on would be mortifying. She'd never admit to it but just the fact that they knew would be awful, even more so than it already is. If she has to suffer this – and it looks like she does – she's going to suffer this alone.

But maybe she's suffering a little too greatly. She's been distracted at home, distracted at work, distracted everywhere – and people other than Patrice are starting to notice. She knows her work performance has begun to suffer. As if the universe is mocking her once again, it all comes to a head that afternoon. Robin's sitting at her desk, supposedly typing up a story but actually staring off into space. She's so upset about everything happening right now that she can't wrap her mind around anything else; it's hard to concentrate on news reports when her whole life feels like its falling apart at the seams: Lily is distracted with getting ready for the baby, and now selling the house and settling into the apartment; Ted still isn't talking to her, made even worse by their feud over Quinn's apartment; and Barney….well, things with Barney are more hopeless than ever before, and most of all just downright painful.

She's continually haunted by the memory of Barney with Quinn – when she's getting dressed for work; while she's sharing a cab with Patrice; as she's stopping in the WWN cafeteria for her morning coffee; and all throughout the day, while she should be making calls; while she should be doing research – the image of the two of them cuddled together on Quinn's couch constantly troubles her world and won't let her be.

Maybe it's selfish, and irrational, and unreasonable, but Robin can't take seeing Barney with another woman – seeing him laughing and smiling with someone else, putting his arm around someone else, making up pet names with someone else, and having mind-blowing sex with someone, _anyone_ other than her. And yet it couldn't ever be her. That's the crazy part of it. She's absolutely stuck. Damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

That's why she chose to focus instead on Quinn's apartment. It's become her diversion and distraction, because finding a place to live is so much easier to deal with and infinitely more solvable than facing her feelings for Barney. But it's more than that too. Just like when they had their subway race last fall, Robin _really_ needs a win. Homeless and isolated from her two friends – one because _he_ has feelings for _her_, and the other because _she_ has feelings for _him_ despite the impossibility of the situation and the fact that he's now with someone else – Robin needs a win now more than ever.

In the midst of all these thoughts, however, Robin's boss comes over and catches her with a blank computer screen and an equally blank look on her face. When he tells her to meet him the next day at five o'clock, or fire o'clock as it's known around the office, she fears her distraction may have just cost her a job.

Still, Robin shows up to Barney's intervention like all is well, and the gang is none the wiser that she's even the least bit upset. By all appearances she's perfectly fine, despite the fact that she's falling apart inside and being here now – in her old home that now belongs to Marshall and Lily – for the purposes they are – to convince the ex-boyfriend she recently slept with to breakup with his current shrew of a girlfriend – is just about as awkward and uncomfortable as a person can get.

Yet the first genuine smile to grace Robin's lips in at least a week comes when she sees that Marshall has added a Quinn sign in front of their intervention banner, officially making this a "Quinntervention". She may not be planning on saying anything but she sure is glad the group is. Her hopes are high – after all, their interventions have never been wrong – that it will deliver the proper end result: Barney returning to his senses and at least going back to sleeping with random women each night; that Robin can handle.

Once the time comes though, instead of going as planned, everything goes wrong…..or right, depending on how you look at it, because Quinn shows up and gets into a huge fight with Barney. In the midst of it, Robin just stands there in the background watching it all go down, filled with a building sense of hope and relief and even an edge of genuine happiness at watching whatever Barney had with this woman dissolve before her eyes.

When it's apparently over, Robin can't bring herself to feel bad about it at all. She wants Barney to be happy, but this woman clearly doesn't deserve him. She and Barney had their share of problems when they were together but at least she loved him. At least she wanted the best for him. Quinn doesn't feel either of those things. She doesn't even really seem to like him. On top of all that, deep down in her heart of hearts Robin knows she's also glad simply because she can't ever bear to see him with anyone else, even had the woman and the relationship been perfect. So, no, unlike Lily she doesn't feel guilty at all, and to highlight just how not guilty she feels Robin talks about having just ruined a once in a lifetime shot at happiness…..in scoring Quinn's apartment.

No one calls Robin on not giving a damn that Quinn broke up with Barney, for which she's thankful, but then Ted chooses that time to finally speak to her directly – and his words are far from kind. He can't believe "after everything that happened between them" that she wouldn't let him have the apartment. It's like he's punishing her for not being in love with him and it's just not fair. She can't help or control who she's in love – a fact she knows plenty well – and it's not like she isn't hurting too. It's not like her life isn't falling apart too, probably even more so than Ted's. She needs him to understand he isn't the only one who's struggling. And more than just that, in the midst of all her troubles she needs his friendship back desperately, so she asks him to step outside and talk with her.

There's something of true panic in the thought of losing Ted because he's all she has left. It's too late to repair things with her other best friend. She's already forever lost Barney, as a lover, as a friend, as anything. Things with him are a lost cause. She can't be with him, and he's with someone else now anyway, but the feelings she still has for him will always get in the way, keeping them from ever being just normal friends. So instead they have to be nothing, just two people who don't speak, and she has to resort to stealing glances at him when he's not looking.

Robin doesn't want the same thing to happen between her and Ted. Their relationship _can_ be saved. She isn't in love with him, no, and that had to hurt hearing it – she knows very well what it's like to be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way – but at the end of the day she doesn't believe Ted's truly in love with her. If he is, where were those feelings all this time? It's likely something that's just cropped up recently, because he's given up on love and he can't seem to find someone else he's interested in. It will go away just as quickly and in the meantime they can fix their friendship.

Robin tries to make him understand that. She tries to make him see how hard things have been for her too. She mentions Kevin, and being without a place to live, and now losing his friendship too. She can't mention Barney, her other main source of conflict and pain, because she's never going to admit to that in light of his apparent love for Quinn. Besides, she can't tell Ted of all people, not when he's still so hurt and angry with her for failing to share his feelings. He already accused her of being in love with Barney once. She knows there's an element of jealousy there and the last thing she wants to do to either man is harm _their_ friendship.

So she leaves Barney completely out of it, but she does tell Ted about her problems at work and how she very likely will soon be fired. If this were last year, this is just the sort of thing she'd have gone to Barney about and he would have given her brilliant advice that always made her feel better, but now their relationship is too strained and nonexistent for her to even talk to him at all. That's all the more reason why she needs Ted's friendship back. But he won't give it to her. He tells her he simply isn't willing for things to return to normal between them.

Before she has time to process and respond to that, Marshall and Lily are dragging them over to Barney's place to apologize about Quinn, something she doesn't want to do and doesn't even begin to feel, but she goes anyway. Like so many other things in her life, she has no choice.

* * *

><p>Sitting on his couch, waiting for the arrival of his friends and the subsequent apology that he knows is coming, Barney thinks back on all that's happened. In the two weeks since Quinn bought him coffee and the two of them started dating, Barney never introduced her to the gang. In fact, he stayed away from them altogether because he knew what their response would be in the same way he knew what his dad's first response would be to his friends…to Robin. He knew they were all going to hate Quinn and they would all be convinced that she's bad for him – because she's a stripper, and <em>nothing else<em>.

So maybe he had – still has – a few qualms about that 'nothing else' part. After all, Ted was the one who encouraged him to go out with Quinn in the first place even though she is a stripper, so it really can't be all about her profession. But Barney refuses to think of any other objection. He needs Quinn in his life so he simply won't allow his mind to go there.

And it _is_ true that the group can be judgmental. Lily meddles in everyone's romances, not to mention how the whole gang conspired to break him and Robin up back when they were together. He was not about to let that same interference ruin another relationship. So he kept Quinn away because he knew what their response would be, and he both didn't want to hear it _and_ didn't want to risk it.

But then Quinn came up with a game to show them all, and he figured maybe they did need to learn to stay out of others' lives. Still, her plan was a little hardcore to pull on people who are his closest friends – and he _really_ couldn't see the point in pitting Ted and Robin against each other, particularly when there's already such a rift there. By her own admission Quinn loves causing trouble simply for the sake of trouble; she gets a rise purely out of tricking and toying with people whereas the plays he ran always had an endgame goal beyond just the fun of the con. That seemed a tad cruel to him…and deep down it made him a little uncomfortable when she later called his friends "monkeys" she wanted to watch dance for her benefit, just for her amusement and general love of chaos.

But she egged him on and pushed him into it and he thought, why the hell not? Quinn can be persuasive, and truthfully it was so much easier to just get caught up and go along with it then to make any kind of protest and go back to what he was living before. Besides, it's harmless and eventually he'll let the gang in on it. In the meantime he's just having some fun with Quinn…..and maybe more than just fun, because after that she started talking almost constantly about the pretend idea of the two of them moving in together and how it would be so nice to do it for real; that way they could be closer and spend more time together.

Spending time with Quinn was one thing, even seriously dating her, but Barney wasn't sure if he was ready to move in with a woman, especially after such a short time…But then there was that pesky thought of going back to how he was living before, in a post-Robin world of nothing but depression and hopeless sadness. That was certainly not something he ever wanted to return to. _Anything_ had to be better than that. And honestly it's been nice to have someone care about him, to have someone really want to be with him so much that she wants them to move in together right away. Only one time in his life had Barney ever extended that offer of commitment and forever – and he was rebuffed and rejected, turned down cold in favor of another man. This time it felt really great to be wanted instead.

So he agreed with Quinn and told her they absolutely should move in together – into his place of course, just like she suggested; she's always loved his place. Sure, it's fast and maybe a little crazy too, but he's determined to forget about impossible pasts and make this work with Quinn.

It's been a year now since Barney met his father and ever since then he's known more and more everyday that what he really wants is love, and commitment, and even marriage. He wanted it all with Robin, but that can never be. The only healthy thing to do is try his best to move and find option number two, for which Quinn is perfectly suited. She's shown herself to be far more intelligent and clever than just some woman he'd bang from the bar. Their personalities seem to fit together, much more so than with Nora. He likes her well enough. He has fun with her. It's a far cry from what his life was like in those bleak four months since the fall.

Case in point: the start of this whole Quinn fake-out was the first time Barney had seen Robin in weeks, and he _may_ have been a little hungry for the sight of her despite himself. At the phony dinner party he glanced over at her whenever he thought the others didn't notice. Like the time before dinner, when they were all enjoying a joke together. Hearing Robin's laughter, Barney turned just to look at her, just to watch her smile, just to laugh with her helplessly, the way he always does…..but she wouldn't even look at him. Then Quinn snapped him back into their game, and he knew in that moment that this was his life now.

Okay, so it doesn't qualify as "you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with them", and it certainly fails "no one and nothing else can compare", but it's all he's got and it's better than nothing so it's just going to have to be enough.

Barney gets the final bit of proof that he's made the right decision only minutes later, when he's executing the final part of their plan, the group broath to stay out of his relationships. Robin somehow ends up next to him. He hasn't been this close to her in a very long time and he can't pretend he isn't affected by it, but he continues in leading the gang in the broath. Yet when he gets to the part about "as one of Barney's best friends", he feels her eyes on him, something that has become a true rarity. He turns to look at her, to meet her willing gaze for the first time in months, but she instantly looks away.

And that is that. She won't talk to him. She apparently can't even bear to look at him. It's a stunning commentary on the state of their relationship, or lack thereof. He may feel like Robin will always be his bro but evidently she doesn't share the same sentiment. That's when he knows for sure that what he's doing with Quinn is the right choice, the only choice he has left.

* * *

><p>When it eventually comes out that it was all an act – except for the part about Barney and Quinn moving in together – Robin doesn't know what to think. Her natural inclination is still to hate the woman, and it frankly doesn't help that she was tricking them all this time; it's not exactly the best first impression. Plus there's still the matter of everything Ted said Quinn had done to Barney before. But the point remains that Barney seems to really like Quinn, and in the end that's all that matters. He has a right to be happy and Robin really does want that for him, even if it isn't with her. That's a lesson she learned the hard way back when he was with Nora.<p>

They slept together four months ago, it's true, but he never made her any promises. He never even told her he loved her. And, what's more, he offered her the chance to talk about whatever possibilities there might be between them. _She_ was the one who turned _him_ down. So that has to be the end of things.

Of course it affects her. Of course it hurts like crazy, but she doesn't have any right to be jealous, none whatsoever. Consequently, Robin has no choice but to paste on a smile and repress it all. But as she hugs Quinn, she finds it far too painful to even so much as glance at Barney.

And later, when it turns out she isn't fired and in fact has been promoted to co-lead anchor, the promotion feels bittersweet at best. She's finally gotten back on the air _at a major international network_. It's literally her every dream come true. It's what she's been working towards her entire life. Yet at the end of the day all she can really think of it is that it means she has a place to live now and her career is one less area to be worried about, one place at least where she's not a mess. But the other messes of her life overshadow it and she finds she can't be properly excited or happy about her promotion at all. The most she can drum up is a small sense of relief.


	20. 720

**AN**: This chapter features references to episode 7.01 and episode 5.21, in that order.

Also, because the writers consistently refuse to show the women's point of view, or in this episode even what they were up to, I've added in a conversation between Lily and Robin because I really don't believe Lily of all people would be as conveniently clueless as they've made her all season. In 7.20 she actually displayed a return to her insight into Barney and I believe the same holds true for Robin, we just haven't gotten a chance to witness it.

* * *

><p><strong>Trilogy Time<strong>

Barney knows the guys are at Ted's place tonight. He also knows Lily and Robin are having a girl's night that will almost certainly start at MacLaren's. So, after his fight with Quinn, rather than go straight to Ted's place he takes the twenty-three minute cab ride to see her – _them_.

He finds them in their booth, just like he knew they would be, and he sits down next to Lily even though he wants to sit next to Robin – which is all the more reason why he shouldn't sit next to Robin. Plus he isn't quite sure how she would receive his presence. She's barely spoken two words to him in months. And besides, it's long past time to let her go.

But to his surprise Robin is the one that speaks first. She asks him how things are going with Quinn, and he thinks it's the first time he's heard her say anything about Quinn or his relationship with her. Initially he tries to put up a front, but Robin easily sees through him. She even guesses right away what he was really doing outside every night at eight o'clock, and unlike with Quinn he isn't ashamed or embarrassed to admit the truth with Robin. That was the thing about the two of them; they were always completely comfortable around each other, always perfectly themselves. It just came so easy with Robin. They knew each other that well. But that same easiness is missing with Quinn. In every aspect of the relationship he has to try so hard, and it's not that he isn't willing to try. He is. It's just that sometimes it feels like he's trying too hard to force something that's just not fitting and never will be.

He's so intent on settling down that he avoids acknowledging it all he can. Still the truth is there's a part of him that realizes things aren't right with Quinn. They barely know each other; they're moving ridiculously fast; he's still in love with the other woman he much prefers but can never have, and something just feels…..off about this relationship with Quinn, almost like they're in some sort of a competition. He's seen how much she likes to play with people and he wants her to know _he _is not someone to be played with. That's really where the 'assert my dominance as a man' comment came from – well, that and he really doesn't want to mingle his stuff with Quinn's.

Lily expertly picks up on that and calls him on it. She says his hesitancy to make any room for Quinn is because deep down he knows the relationship won't last. It hits a nerve with Barney because that exact same thought has been festering in his mind for days – before Quinn moved in, the first night she arrived, and every night since then.

Unlike Lily, Robin doesn't offer any deep insight. Instead she just rips him a new one for being so degrading toward women. She of all people should no better. Sure, he used to sleep around a lot…..and use women for sex any chance he could got…..but the point is when it comes to women he really cares about he doesn't feel that way. He once praised Robin for being the most strong, independent woman he'd ever met. It has nothing to do with being chauvinistic. It's just…what's the point in making space for Quinn, letting her take over his apartment and his life, when Lily's right and already the odds of them lasting don't seem to be very high? But it's so much easier to cloak all of those very real concerns in his male dominance theory, so he stalks off to find support and comradery at Ted's "man cave."

As Barney leaves, Robin takes a long swig of her beer and turns to Lily, shaking her head in disgust. "Can you believe him? 'Assert his dominance as a man'." Lily scowls in agreement, and Robin continues on in her rant. "Can you believe he would say anything that terrible? Then again, this _is_ Barney, so what can you expect?"

Robin waits for Lily to make some similar remark but she's surprised to hear her friend say instead, "More than that. I expect more. He talks a big game, but when it comes down to certain things Barney's better than that and we both know it."

Lily's sudden, unexpected defense of Barney makes Robin feel vaguely guilty. That was an awful thing to say to any woman but maybe she had been too quick to judge him. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean I've never known any man who's so close to his mother…..And he respects you."

"He respects _you_ too," Lily adds, causing Robin to bite her lip thoughtfully. "No, there's something else going on here."

They're quiet a moment as each woman sips from her drink, until Robin breaks the silence. "Did you….did you mean what you said about how Barney and Quinn are never gonna last?" Lily looks over at her oddly and Robin quickly adds, "Not that I care, cause I totally don't." She twirls her beer bottle between her hands absently. "_Yes, you do. That woman's awful_," she contradicts herself in a strange, high-pitched voice. "No," she laughs forcefully. "No, I'm completely kidding."

When she glances back up Lily is studying with a look that turns from curious to knowing all too fast for Robin's comfort. "Two words: truth voice."

"No, that's – that's not a thing," Robin dismisses.

"It's a thing. With you, it's a thing. Now tell me about the other thing."

"What thing?" Robin asks evasively, fearing she knows exactly what 'thing' Lily is hinting at.

"With you and Barney. The two of you were thick as thieves and now you barely speak to each other," Lily says, pinning Robin down in a conversation she knows should have taken place many weeks ago, but she was too wrapped up in the baby and the house to properly see it or take the time.

"In case you didn't notice," Robin replies, as if the whole thing is beyond ridiculous, "we just had a conversation."

"About his new girlfriend. _That_ finally got a word or two out of you." Once she'd started making observations Lily's keen sense of perception was on a role. "Oh my god," she exclaims, suddenly realizing the significance of what she'd noticed earlier. "And when you pointed out that you're 'all alone' you looked over at Barney."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do." Lily sits back in the booth, folding her arms in satisfaction over her currently more ample chest, because she knows she has Robin. "Remember what I said to you all those months ago at Punchy's wedding, about how you and Barney have the kind of chemistry that never goes away? You were supposed to tell him then that you never wanted to be with him. What happened there?"

"Nothing," Robin answers with increasing defensiveness. "We danced. Nora called. That's all."

"So you never told him?"

"When was I supposed to have time?" she asks in exasperation. "Besides, like I said, _Nora called_. They started dating. There wasn't any point."

"Uh-huh. Why did you break up with Kevin?"

Robin stares down at the table, her eyes following a long-familiar scratch in the wooden surface. She's uncomfortable with the topic for so many reasons. "Because he wanted kids," she finally answers. "You know that."

Lily puts her hand atop her friend's in silent comfort for whatever lingering pain may still be left from hearing she can never have children, whether she wanted them or not. Still, for Robin's own good she isn't about to let her continue to shirk the truth. "I also know you told me the morning we all left for home that Kevin was fine with never having kids."

Robin shrugs, her eyes trained on her beer bottle. "He changed his mind."

Deciding to switch tactics, Lily eyes her carefully. "Why did Barney break up with Nora?"

Robin knows the answer to that – the real, true answer. _Because we slept together. Because we cheated with each other. Because he did the right thing and I didn't. Because he was waiting for me, but I was too afraid._ "I don't know," she lies. "I guess it just didn't work out."

Lily's silent for a moment and a relieved Robin thinks she's finally dropped it until she continues, "I meant what I said to Barney. This thing with Quinn isn't going to last…..It's not too late, you know."

_It's not too late_.

Robin thinks about that statement and she _wants_ it to be true. The problem is she's pretty sure it _isn't_ true. Call her selfish – call her human – but she's definitely happy to hear things are going badly in Barney's new relationship and that he isn't at all enjoying living with Quinn. On the other hand, he has a right to his happiness. After all, she had her chance with him and she threw it away. And even though things may be rocky with Quinn now, Barney hasn't said one word about calling it quits or wanting to break up with her.

If Lily is right and it doesn't last between Barney and Quinn, if he breaks up with her on his own, then maybe….But she's certainly not going to say or do anything now. Barney wants to be with Quinn. Robin supposes he even loves Quinn; he must in order to allow her to move in with him.

And if _she_ loves Barney then she has to let it be. She has to let him go. So Robin looks Lily square in the eye and nonchalantly counters, "Too late for what?"

"Alright," Lily says, lifting her hands in defeat. "Have it your way."

Robin ignores that, pretending she doesn't know what Lily means. "I should get going. Big day at work tomorrow," she says, hastily sliding out of the booth.

"Robin," Lily stops her. "I know I've been distracted with the baby and everything, but if you ever want to talk you know I'm here."

Robin nods and walks out of the bar.

* * *

><p>When Barney shows up at Ted's place, once they get done berating him for the "assert my dominance as a man" comment, they begin talking about Trilogy Times gone by and how the future never really turns out the way you think it's going to. Barney need only look back as far as November to remember that painful lesson but he lets them go on about the past twelve years….and he silently reminisces too.<p>

It's when they get to 2006's Trilogy Time that he really stops and takes pause because he still recalls that day, and what he remembers that Ted and Marshall won't is the burning sting of jealousy that zipped through him when Robin mentioned waiting in the bedroom for Ted. He also remembers what they never noticed: the way his eyes followed her out of the room, the way he craned his neck to check out her ass as she walked away.

He wanted her even back then. _Before_ then. Pretty much right from the beginning. He can't pinpoint exactly when he fell in love with her, but he now knows it was long before they slept together that first time, long before the bus accident made his life and that shocking realization of love flash before his eyes. He wouldn't admit it even to himself back then but secretly he hated that Robin was dating Ted, and inwardly he was always waiting for – always ready to cheer on – their inevitable breakup.

Going over these years past, Barney comes to realize yet again that so many of his memories are filled with Robin. She's such a grand presence in his life it isn't any wonder why he can't seem to banish her from his mind and heart.

And then they get to 2009 and the night they _still_ believe Barney really did skip his 'decoupage class' and they all watched the trilogy together at his apartment. Though they now know he and Robin were secretly dating that summer they still don't know they interrupted anything between them because they'd never suspect in a million years how and where Robin hide for the entire course of three blockbuster films. But Barney remembers it all vividly….

_Robin had only been in the apartment a moment when she came to sit beside him. He still isn't sure who made the first move, but only a second later she was climbing onto his lap, straddling him and pulling at the buttons of his shirt as he kissed her hungrily. And so they made fabulous use of his sofa, easing the tension enough to be in the same room together without going crazy on each other – and it was_ great. _It's always great with Robin, but oddly enough he has to admit his favorite part of the sex was before it had even really started, when she'd pulled him down on top of her, wrapped herself around him, and right before he kissed her she'd given him a smile of pure happiness as warm as the sun. God, he loves this woman – not that he'll actually tell her that. That would ruin everything._

_Now that they're both satisfied, they finally get around to that bottle of wine he'd left on the coffee table for them but they hadn't so much as touched before in their eagerness to touch each other instead. While they drink he enjoys the sights, because neither one of them has bothered to redress – they both know clothes won't be needed till much, much later – and there's nothing better on earth than Naked Robin. But Naked Robin always gets Naked Barney excited and it's not long at all before he wants her again._

_It's then that he begins to expound on the virtues of living out one certain fantasy he's held since he was a teenager and pictured acting out with Robin in particular for years now. Role play isn't something new to them – they've done it before, both for him and her – but he can tell she finds this request odd. She even thinks he's joking at first. But he tells her he's very serious – he explains it's just a guy thing – and even though she still says it's "weird", with his open mouth on her neck and his caressing hand at her chest, Robin agrees._

_"Alright, Barney," she purrs, nudging out of his arms to stand up from the couch and he does the same. "Since you're definitely…'up' for it," she says, ogling him in a way that only increases his body's reaction to her, which in turn brings a grin to her lips, "I am too. But how does this even work?" she asks, walking over to the storm trooper suit in the corner, still completely naked from head to toe – and it's only his intense craving for this fantasy that stops him from taking her right there against the wall; that's how badly he wants her._

_But he contains himself long enough to explain the slight alterations he had made on the suit around the time they first starting sleeping together, with a night just like this one in mind – namely a strategically placed cutout. He helps her into the suit, tossing the helmet aside onto the chair, but they quickly discover the sofa is far too small for this kind of sex play._

_That's how they find themselves on the floor behind the sofa, tangled up together, Barney kissing a storm trooper suited-up Robin like his life depends on it. And it's _amazing_, far more than he ever dreamed it would be. The only thing missing is he can't get at her breasts. Fondling the hard plastic shell does add something to the fantasy but he'd much rather be touching her. He'll have to remember that for next time. He thought to make the suit crotchless of course, but next he'll have to add boob cutouts._

_Still it's beyond fantastic. He's inside of Robin, his absolutely favorite place to be. He's inside of Robin, and her hair is wild and mussed from their exertion despite her attempt to pull it back out of her face, a look that's incredibly sexy on her; he's determined to work it the rest of the way out of that ponytail by the time all is said and done. He's inside of Robin, and they've just found their perfect rhythm. Each thrust leaves his eyes crossed with pleasure and draws increasingly loud little moans of delight from Robin._

_It's then that they hear a knock on the door. They both freeze._

_"Who is that?" Robin whispers to him._

_"I don't know," he whispers back. Then he looks down into her eyes and it's only a millisecond before they're back to it again._

_"Barney, maybe you….should…..maybe you – uhhhh….should see who it is. It's got to be….mmm, someone you know."_

_He doesn't care who or what it is; nothing's going to be better than this. Then he moves just right against her and she cries out._

_"Oh god, don't stop," she murmurs, her armor-clad thighs squirming over his hips._

_"Gladly." He repeats the movement, sending them both into ecstasy._

_But then she rethinks it. "No, no, you're got to…..What if it's an emergency?"_

_He sighs. "Fine."_

_"….Hurry….." she pants. "….Come….."_

_"We'll both be coming in a hurry," he interrupts. He pulls out of her and it's like torture. "Don't move an inch."_

_Barney kisses her and heads to the door – only to find Ted and Marshall in the hallway, ready for a visit. He stalls them off and runs back into the living room. Robin's lying exactly where he left her – trembling, spread out on the floor in the wonderfully crotchless storm trooper suit, reaching for him._

_"Come here…..I need you," she beckons, and for a second he almost does it; Ted and Marshall can just wait outside until they finish. But he knows that's not an option because they're bond to get suspicious._

_"We can't. Ted and Marshall are here."_

_And that gets her scrambling up off the floor._

_"What?_ What do we do?"

_"Just…..here," he says, handing her the helmet off the chair, already half-dressed. "Put this on and stand in the corner. They'll never know the difference. I'll get rid of them as quickly as possible."_

_But it turns out that doesn't happen and Robin's forced to stay in the suit until he finally gets them out of the apartment three hundred and eight-two minutes later._

_The door closes and Robin rips off the helmet. "Finally."_

"I know,_" he agrees, already disrobing._

_"Barney, no. I've been in here for hours – and I've really got to pee."_

_"Okay, go pee and then come back and we'll finish," he answers, now completely naked._

_"No. Now help me out of this thing."_

_He has her stripped down in five seconds flat. There's always been something so incredible about undressing her, like unwrapping the greatest present he'll ever receive. His eyes trail slowly over her body and Little Barney jumps happily to life._

_Robin shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't believe you still want me. I'm all sweaty and gross."_

_"I always want you." She smiles at his statement, and he can pinpoint the exact moment of acquiescence in her eyes. Not missing a beat, he pulls her into his arms, pressing her bare against him as he bends to kiss her._

_"Barney," she sighs against his mouth. "There's no time. Ted's already gonna beat me home." But then he draws on her lower lip, sucking and nibbling as his hand squeezes her bottom, pressing her further into Little Barney who's not so little anymore. "I guess….I guess I can't really go home like this, all hot and sweaty," she says, rubbing against him, soft and warm and inviting. "Ted will wonder what kind of decoupage class I'm going to."_

_"Yeah…yeah, you can't go home," he mumbles, his tongue sliding hot and insistent into her mouth._

_She melts into the kiss for a moment before taking his hand in hers, turning as she leads him. "Come on. We'll finish this in the shower."_

_"_I love my life,_" he blissfully declares and Robin laughs._

_Then he draws her back against him, his mouth finding her neck and his hands reaching out to tease whatever parts of her he can reach as they make their stumbling way into the bathroom._

Barney blinks out of the memory in time to hear Ted's ridiculous imaginings of what his life will be like in 2015, but Barney's mind is still stuck in the past. He was so happy with Robin – and such an idiot to take it all for granted, to stupidly not realize he should have been treasuring every moment because those were by far the best days of his life.

It just makes it all the more clear to him what he does, or rather _doesn't_, want his 2015 to be like. He doesn't want the future of an aging womanizer, with some new strange woman every three years – every night – that they'll never see again. What Ted and Marshall don't realize, what it took him years and falling in love with Robin to realize, is that Barney Stinson, ladies man extraordinaire and author of The Playbook, is actually made for love and commitment. That's what he longs for, not a new woman to bang every night, but instead that kind of deep soulful connection he had back in 2009 that he should have held onto with both hands and absolutely refused to let go.

Barney couldn't deny what Lily said about him and Quinn back at MacLaren's. At the time he didn't even try. Even after the guys yelled at him for what he said, he _still_ had no desire to take it back. But now after hearing the stories, after remembering the years of meaningless sex with nameless women and the vast contrast to that in the happiness he'd found with Robin, he knows he has to make things work with Quinn. He has to, he even _wants_ to commit to her because he doesn't want – he positively cannot stomach – a life with a new woman every three years. Ted's wrong; that won't be the one constant in his life. Not anymore.

Barney's lost Robin forever it's true, if he ever really had her in the first place, but he's _not_ going to sink back into that empty nothingness; he refuses. He's going to forge ahead with Quinn. He's going to try his best to make something real and lasting there – and to recapture at least a shadow of the feeling he had when he was with Robin, so happy and so in love.

* * *

><p>After he's back home and he's made up with Quinn, after he's absolutely determined to have a future with her, Barney hugs her while she happily breaks their old no-farting rule, proclaiming they're now "a real couple". He smiles because he does like her, and it's so much better than being alone, playing the field forever. But his eyes can't help but stray to the storm trooper suit in the corner…..and his heart soon strays to the woman who once wore it.<p>

That was a wild and crazy and absolutely amazing night – the perfect embodiment of their entire relationship: passionate, uncontrollable, breaking every rule, but wonderfully perfectly amazing. He's never loved anyone the way he loves Robin, and deep down he still knows he never will. _No one and nothing else can compare_. He always shoves the words down but from time to time they bubble up again to taunt him. Like now. But he just shoves them back down, this time under lock and key.

Because it only stands to reason that if he repeats everything just right he can relive and recapture that same amazing feeling with another woman. If storm trooper sex was fantastic with Robin, then he'll just get Quinn to dress up and do the same storm trooper sex, and it will be fantastic too.

Just like after he first broke up with Robin, in the fall of 2009. Whenever he'd remember some amazing, earth-shattering time he shared with her – like that one particular position on his sex swing that was so good with Robin he almost blacked out – he would just get a dozen other women to repeat it and relive it with him. Only this time it will be with Quinn.

…..None of those other women could ever make it feel like Robin though. Not once was it ever even _close_ to the same, no matter what he tried…

Yet here he is still trying all these years later. It looks like he never learns his lesson. Although in his heart of hearts he knows now he finally has, but the moral of the story is just too hopeless so he has no choice but to reject it. Which he does.

He tells Quinn about the storm trooper fantasy and she agrees to go along with it. Once she's in the suit, he strips down and takes her right to the same spot he and Robin were in. He has everything replicated exactly, but much to his disappointment and dismay it already doesn't feel the same.

When Quinn asks if she should put the helmet on or leave it off, he thinks back to what Ted remembered his 2006 self saying about the wonderful emotional detachment of sex when you can't look the woman in the eyes. Barney knows that with Robin the helmet was off. He _wanted_ to kiss her, he _wanted_ to look at her, he _wanted_ to know and celebrate just exactly who he was with. With Robin, he wanted that emotional connection; he wanted candlelight and making love on a bed of rose petals. With Quinn he may want it, but looking into _her_ eyes he knows he won't find it, so he tells her to put the helmet on.

Barney tries his best not to imagine that she's Robin. He really does. But his mind can't help but go there…..and his heart finds it extremely wanting in comparison.


	21. 721

**Now We're Even**

After seeing Quinn into a cab, Barney runs back into their booth, full of enthusiasm over hearing all about Lily's latest sex dream, but Ted has to go and ruin it by mentioning Robin. Actually Lily having a sex dream about Robin makes a lot of sense considering the latent attraction she's shown to her over the years – especially when drunk on martinis. Which really begs the question, is there anyone alive who doesn't want to sleep with Robin? He has to admit though the idea of the two of them isn't unpleasant at all, especially when he slips himself in there.

No, it's actually Marshall that ruins things when he tells them about how he and Lily visited Robin at work. Because Robin asked after Ted. She's concerned with how he's doing, concerned that they don't speak anymore and are no longer friends. Barney supposes that's good; the Ted/Robin estrangement is weird for the group to say the least. But what about the matter of _their_ estrangement, of the fact that they don't really see each other or talk anymore either? The first time Barney had spoken directly with Robin in almost two months was here at MacLaren's last week, when _he_ specifically sought her out. Yet he notices Marshall didn't mention Robin asking after him, wanting to know how he is.

Things like this are exactly why he doesn't let himself think of Robin. But that's okay because he has Quinn now. So Barney Stinson is good, better than good even. He's awesome. He's dating a stripper.

The problem is things with Quinn aren't exactly going great either…..because he _is_ dating a stripper. Not just dating a stripper, but living with a stripper, trying to get serious with a stripper. And it's like his old self and his new self are fighting a war within him. On the one hand, he finds it awesome that he's dating a stripper – or at least he knows he _should_ find it awesome. Dating a stripper is second only to dating a porn star on the list of ultimate fantasies, so really he's living the dream here and he should be proud. On the other hand, he doesn't like sharing, and it's particularly messed up when she's not just some girl he's banging but the woman he's trying to make a life with. And it's only gotten worse now that she's moved in, now that there's a constant reminder that she's gone every night, doing god only knows what with random guys for handfuls of cash.

He is so far from comfortable with it. He knows what it's like to be cheated on and he doesn't want to go there again. He doesn't want this to turn into another Shannon situation. But this time he's no longer dumb enough or naïve enough not to see that it could happen. And while he would never admit this to anyone it doesn't help matters knowing what Quinn did to him before, the lengths she was willing to go to in order to manipulate him into giving her cash and presents. It proves she has a dubious side; she loves chaos after all. Sure, that was before they were dating, when he was just another customer to her, but that's exactly what the handfuls of men are that she still sees each night.

It's maddening just sitting at his apartment not knowing what Quinn's doing and with whom, so Barney takes up the idea of making every night legendary, out on the town with Ted – and maybe that way he can distract himself from the fact that his girlfriend is out every night potentially cheating on him for money, or at the very least taking her clothes off and rubbing herself against men that aren't him.

And the 'legendary nights with Ted' distraction strategy actually works for awhile until Ted tries to pansy out on him and go back home to sit alone naked, eating Fruit Loops. So, on the fly, Barney comes up with his 'Who's ahead at the game of life?' argument to persuade Ted. He even invents a point system to make it that much more interesting, and it's practically a tie between the two of them once he awards Ted 9,000 points – as compared to the mere twelve he granted for being the youngest architect ever to design his own building in New York City – for sleeping with Robin first because, let's face it, that's the awesomest thing Ted will ever do in life.

Nevertheless, and quite unfairly, Ted rejects the entire premise. Still hell-bent on going home, he dismisses the evening as one that will soon be forgotten. Barney's just formulating a new argument against that when he happens to glance up at that moment and catch what's on the TV hanging just above them.

At first all he sees is Robin's picture on the screen, because that woman can and has grabbed his attention anywhere, under any circumstances, including in the midst of a hurricane. But it's when he sees the WWN Breaking News logo and the caption "Chopper Pilot Unconscious" that he begins to falter. He calls Ted's attention to it, then focuses back on the screen, trying to tell himself to stay calm; for all he knows Robin is just covering a breaking story as part of her new high profile career.

But then the next words out of the announcer's mouth cause Barney's world to tip off its axis.

"_If you're just joining us, the World Wide News Eye in the Sky chopper is out of control over Manhattan, being piloted by our on Robin Scherbatsky."_

His heart drops, and just like that he realizes he never knew the true meaning of the word 'terrified' until this moment.

"_This probably won't end well."_

Barney's mouth falls open in panic and he finds himself blindly mouthing 'no' at the screen. Robin's life is in danger. She could die right here, right now, right before his eyes and there's nothing he can do, not a single thing he can do to help her. It's his worst nightmare come to life.

He watches it all unfold second by second as Robin struggles valiantly to keep the helicopter in the air while ground crews scramble to find someone to talk her through. And all the while Barney is positively distraught. All he can think is that this can't be happening. He wants to wake up and find that it isn't true; it's only a dream. But he knows it isn't. It's real and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

So he prays. Barney Stinson prays, and not in a funny way, not in a half-hearted I'll-go-back-on-it-the-second-it's-over way, but the sincerest prayer he's ever attempted in his life. He makes a thousand promises to God if He'll only spare her.

And if there was any way he could take her place up there, he'd do it in a heartbeat. Just to have her back safe on the ground, it wouldn't even matter what happened to him.

He can't lose her. He simply can't. She _has_ to make.

And he believes in her. He believes she can do this, but he's also petrified. Because this is _Robin_ – _his_ Robin – up there, and there aren't enough words to describe the way that makes him feel, the sheer terror it produces in his heart.

* * *

><p>When the pilot first started acting strangely, Robin thought it was a joke. She thought he was just playing around. But in seconds she soon discovered it was deadly serious. She was all alone up there in the chopper and if she couldn't find some way to get it safely landed, they both were going to die.<p>

Her first instinct – and a pretty good one at that – was to panic, but then her wilderness training kicked in and she knew panicking was the worst thing a person could do in an emergency situation like this. So she tried to keep a cool head as she attempted to radio the control tower for help, but that was easier said then done.

Still she'd managed to keep the chopper in the air all this time, but now that she's gotten a hold of someone on the ground and they're telling her that her only hope for survival is to bring the helicopter back in _herself_, she truly starts to lose hope. No one knows better than she does what a mess she is. How is someone like her, a screw-up whose act is so far from together, supposed to be able to do _this_? How can she be depended on to actually save herself, and the pilot with her? Their lives are definitely in the wrong hands.

"Ms. Scherbatsky? Ms. Scherbatsky, are you still there?"

She shakes herself out of it, tries to focus, tries to pull it together. "Yes, I'm here."

"Okay, stay calm and listen carefully to my instructions."

Robin tries to do just that. She tries to stay calm. She tries to stay alert. She tries to concentrate on the instructions being given and nothing else…..but she's so high up. The ground is so far away. It's impossible not to think that she could easily come plummeting down at any moment.

And she hears the voice of her father in her head. _R.J., you're a disgrace_….._You'll never amount to anything_…_I should have known not to count on you_…_Why do you continually disappoint me? _

Every time he didn't believe in her, every instance when he told her she would fail, comes bubbling back up to the surface, from way back when she was a little girl – _You call that blocking the goal? You're worthless!_ – to her teenage years when she became a famous pop star – _You're an embarrassment to the family_ – right up until the last time she heard from him, during the hurricane – _You're still only working in research? No wonder you're alone. Why must you force me to tell all my friends that you're dead?_

Well, he very soon may get his wish because suddenly she's frozen. She feels just like that same sad young girl who never could do anything right.

But then Robin hears another voice, a soft, genuine, familiar voice she'd know anywhere and carry with her forever.

_You're the most awesome person I have ever known_…_She's the greatest woman on the planet_…._And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman_….

Robin hears Barney's voice telling her she can do this. And no matter what has happened since, no matter how she messed things up between them, she knows that he believes in her.

"Ms. Scherbatsky? Are you listening?"

"Yes, yes. Just tell me what I need to do."

And she follows the instructions to a tee. She doesn't let the fear or the doubts get the better of her. Whenever they start to, she just stays focused on the one man that has rooted for her above everyone else in her life.

Then Robin begins the serious descent. It's make or break time, and that's when her heart starts pounding uncontrollably in her chest. She has always heard that flying a helicopter is more difficult even than flying a jet. They can be so volatile; she's covered enough chopper crashes in her news career to know that. The ground is getting closer and closer and if she makes one wrong move it will all be over for her just like that. For the first time in her thirty-one years, she's staring death directly in the face.

But somehow it doesn't end in a fiery crash and a horrific, painful death for the both of them. Instead the chopper touches down, perhaps a bit roughly but safely none the less back on the ground.

"I did it," she says, relief and disbelief coloring her voice because she can still scarcely believe it's actually true. But then it starts to sink it. She _did_ make it. She's _alive_ – and she did it all on her own. She proved that she can do it. "I did it!" she screams, and a second later the helicopter is rushed by rescue workers and medical personnel.

* * *

><p>Across town, Barney watches Robin's chopper safely touch down on the ground and he almost loses it. She's alive. She's going to be alright.<p>

He hollers out, cheering with the rest of the bar, only his joy has a depth all its own that MacLaren's other patrons can't even begin to understand because he's forever in love with the woman who they all almost just watched die.

In fact the feeling is so strong that for a moment Barney thinks he might pass out from the sheer sense of relief. But then Ted turns to him, and the two men who love Robin share a celebratory hug.

Barney beams with happiness because she's really, truly going to be okay. Even while still hugging Ted, his eyes go back up to the TV screen to catch a glimpse of her exiting the chopper, just one more little piece of tangible proof that she's alive and well and he can breathe once more.

* * *

><p>He's sitting alone on his couch. Hours have gone by. It's late now, after midnight.<p>

Barney knows it's not his place. He knows they barely talk anymore. He knows the night affected him so greatly he even gave up the game and confessed his true troubles with Quinn to Ted just to get his mind off what nearly happened. He knows he should leave it at that.

But he also knows that nothing and no one on earth is going to stop him from calling her and hearing for himself that she's okay.

* * *

><p>It's been hours since Robin successfully landed the chopper, but she's still at the World Wide News headquarters. The celebration is carrying on into the late night as it's a huge triumph for WWN. Not only is their reporter okay, but since the story was unfolding with one of their own they scooped every other news outlet and consequently stole the night. It's been years since they've seen such high ratings and it's all thanks to her.<p>

On top of that, people have been calling Robin all night: friends, colleagues, acquaintances, old dorm mates from college, people she hasn't heard from in years. Everyone with even the slightest association to her is calling her up to talk about what happened. So when Robin hears her phone ring yet again, she immediately checks to see who this latest call is from.

When she sees his name on the ID her heart does a little flip even though she knows it shouldn't, and she can't keep the smile from her face or the happiness from her voice as she answers his call. "Hey, Barney."

On the other end, Barney wants to tell her how terrified he was. He wants to tell her he's so glad she's alive. He almost tells her he loves her. In the overwhelming relief of hearing her voice, the words all but slip out. Instead he transforms them into, "I'm dating a stripper!", because it's so much better than embarrassing them both with the truth. Besides, that's his consolation now, that and the fact that Robin's still alive and well somewhere in the world, which is all he asked for. The bargains he made with God didn't extend any further than that to ask for anything more for himself. He has no illusions about their relationship. He just wanted her safe.

Robin hears his response and she's suddenly very glad this is a phone conversation so he can't see her face fall with disappointment for just a moment there before she curbs it and the mask is back in place. "Yes, I know you're dating a stripper. Mm-hmm."

Hearing her repeat it makes Barney realize what a stupid thing that was to say to her, but at least she's talking to him. That's something. "I'm just – I'm telling everyone I know."

"Yeah, I know. I saw your bus ad."

The line is silent for a moment before Barney speaks again. "So, what happened earlier…..that was crazy, huh?" He can hear her let out a deep breath that to his Robin-trained ears sounds an awful lot like a sigh.

"Yes, it was." Crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. Of course he can never know what pulled her through – or what it was she saw in those moments right before landing, where she knew fully well she might die. "I….I didn't know if you saw."

"Are you kidding me? I watched it happening live." And, god, at just the memory he feels nauseous. "Everyone at MacLaren's did. You're quite the little celebrity now."

Robin laughs softly. "It's not exactly how I would have planned it."

Barney thinks about that and the truest answer comes to mind. "Usually the best things in life are the ones we didn't plan and never saw coming."

And doesn't that just perfectly describe their relationship? She wonders if there's even the smallest part of him that's thinking it too. "That's very true."

"Anyway, you've finally made it, Scherbatsky."

She can hear the smile in his voice, and he hasn't called her that in so long. It feels like old times, and that alone makes tears well up in her eyes. "Yeah, I guess I have."

Maybe it _isn't_ his place anymore. Maybe they're barely friends now and after everything that's happened it will seem odd and inappropriate to her. But maybe there's a part of her that needs to hear it all the same. "I knew you could do it," he tells her.

"I wasn't so sure."

"I was, and not just today with the plane but all those years ago too. I always knew you had it in you. You, Robin Scherbatsky, were always destined for greatness."

And now the tears start to spill over. She feels like an idiot but she can't help it.

"I'm proud of you."

There it is; the one thing she always needed to hear, only from the wrong man…..but maybe not. Maybe hearing it from him is all she ever needs. "Thanks, Barney." She feels like sniffing but she can't give away her tears, so she clears her throat instead. A lump in her throat, that's okay. That doesn't show too much weakness. "Barney, I….I just – "

Someone bumps into her then, splashing champagne on her jacket and nearly causing her to drop her phone.

Barney hears the commotion and he isn't sure if he's lost her. "Robin?"

"Yeah, yes, I'm – I'm here," she says, pressing the phone back to her ear.

She's breathless and no doubt busy. He shouldn't keep her. He knows it's time to let her go. He just doesn't want to. He never wanted to. "I should probably let you go. You must have a lot going on. I can hear everyone in the background." He isn't sure what to say to her as a sign off, particularly when he doesn't know how long it will be before he speaks to her again. "You….enjoy yourself, Robin. You've earned it."

Robin would have stayed on the phone with him all night if she could, and a part of her really hates Teresa from ad sales for bumping into her in the first place and causing this. But it's probably not Teresa's fault. He's probably just busy…..Maybe Quinn came home. "O-okay," she manages. "Thanks for calling."

She's about to hang up when she hears his voice again.

"Oh, and Robin?"

"Yes?" And there it is again, the speeding of her heart. What's the matter with her heart? Doesn't it know by now that Barney, that the two of them together, is a lost cause?

"I'm really, really glad you're okay."

This time Barney knows he hears a sigh, though he doesn't know what it means.

"Me too. Good night, Barney."

"Night, Robin."

* * *

><p>Finally, in the early morning hours, Robin's back home at her apartment, settling in to bed. With everything done and over with now and the calm after the storm at last setting in, the emotions of the night suddenly hit her full force and it's almost too much for her.<p>

It's been such a whirlwind of feelings. She went from being bummed about her career, to the shock and fear and adrenaline rush of almost dying, to the triumph of survival – and not only that but finally earning fame and recognition too – and then the joy of receiving so many heartwarming phone calls afterwards…..and that one text from Ted.

Robin pulls the covers up over herself, lays her head down on her pillow, and thinks. Four years ago when Ted and Barney had their accidents, Ted told them it isn't true what people say about near death experiences. According to him, you don't see your whole life flash before your eyes, only the things you love. For Ted, at the time, it had been Stella. For Barney, it had been a giant boob wearing a suit of money, lactating scotch.

Now Robin has faced a near death experience of her own, and what she discovered is that Ted was right. She didn't see her entire life flash before her eyes, but instead a select collection of moments all staring one man and enveloped in one all-encompassing feeling: love.

She saw the first time they played laser tag together and then shared a soft pretzel and Battleship afterwards. She saw that Christmas Barney was so sick but refused to admit it and she nursed him back to health. She saw the first time they ever kissed with _Sandcastles in the Sand_ still playing in the background and her hands gripping his tie and his buried in her hair. She saw those same hands later on her naked body when they slept together for the first time. She saw Barney in that hospital bed wearing a neck brace and too many casts for her liking.

She saw the time she held him so tightly in her arms after he'd gotten her the job at _Come On Get Up New York_ and made it possible for her to stay in the country. She saw the crazy night they went to a rave together while completing Ted's Murtaugh list. She saw the day they finally kissed again, right there in Ted's hospital room, and later that night when they both took a leap for each other.

She saw their summer, oh so many different glimpses of their summer – the first time she stayed overnight at his place and the next morning when he made the two of them breakfast; the time when he talked her into storm trooper sex and they almost got caught by Ted and Marshall; the night they went out to dinner, and then the theater, and drinks at the cigar club afterwards, and it was clearly an honest to goodness date though neither one of them would admit it, and later on at his apartment for the first time in her life she finally understood the term 'making love' – so many perfect moments in the long, warm days of their summer.

She saw them vowing to be boyfriend and girlfriend for real now, and she saw weeks later when they sat out on the steps of her apartment building and he told her Robin 101 was all because he was afraid she'd breakup with him. She saw the two of the dancing together at MacLaren's, when they were still trying desperately to hold on to what they had. She saw the day many months later when he promised that she wasn't just another number to him and gave her the super date.

She saw the night later that Fall when after so much heartbreak she sundressed up for him, and Barney telling her how hot she looked restored her confidence. She saw the morning she came to his apartment after Ted made her feel bad about herself but Barney told her that being the least needy woman ever was awesome. She saw them wreaking havoc in the Natural History Museum. She saw them out splashing in the rain in the middle of Hurricane Irene, and later when he told her a single day without her was just no good and they almost kissed. She saw them in the cab together, when he finally admitted that Ted really did love Zoey for a minute there. She saw the two of the walking home from brunch the morning of the GNB demolition, the morning they ran into Nora.

She saw their amazing dance in Cleveland, and the two of them goofing off at the Halloween party. She saw the night they shared a cab ride again….which led to sharing a kiss…..which led to making love for the first time in two years. She saw the look on his face when he told her he hadn't stopped thinking of her, and later that night a very different look there when she simply shook her head 'no'. She saw how happy he was when she told him she was pregnant with their child.

Robin saw a million little moments that all added up to one thing: how very much she loved Barney and what a fool she had been to let him go.

For a minute there, when she first saw that it was Barney on the phone, she actually thought he might be calling to say that almost losing her made him realize how much he really does love her. But instead the first thing out of his mouth was all about his stripper girlfriend, who he lives with and loves more than her. She's still his friend. She's still a blip on his radar, but now Quinn is the main event. But that doesn't change the fact that when she thought she was going to die Barney was the _only_ one she could think about.

Marshall once called her cold and robotic, and it's true that she always internalizes things, always keeps them locked up inside. But just because it isn't easy for her to show her emotions that doesn't mean she doesn't feel things greatly, because she does. She feels things even more deeply than others. Maybe that's why it's so hard for her to let it all show. And it doesn't help that whenever she does open up that locked door and reveal even just a little of her feelings she always ends up getting hurt. That's what life has taught her, one example after another of why she should never let her feelings out in the first place.

That's how it's always been with Barney too, only even more so because she's never felt as deeply about _anything_ as she feels for him. She's been crazy in love with him all this time, but she's just been so afraid. When she loosened her guard and started to let it show at Punchy's wedding, she got hurt in return. When Barney was with Nora and she tried to break them up, tried to make him want _her_ instead, it backfired and there was nothing but pain and tears and even an arrest in its wake.

After that she met Kevin, and she finally thought she almost had a handle on getting all that love for Barney back under lock and key. So it was all the more shocking to see that love slip out again – more like explode out – when they kissed….and then they made love. She knows a part of her was fishing for something to happen that night, to at least get some small sign from Barney that he still cared for her, but she was unprepared when the two of them round up in his bed. She hadn't planned to sleep with him but she literally couldn't stop herself. And even when she did – even as it was actually happening – she was unprepared for so much raw emotion, so much need. She was unprepared for that level of passion and intensity, for the very power of their coupling.

But afterwards she hated herself for cheating. She hated herself for the underhanded way she'd gotten exactly where she wanted: right back in Barney's arms. And along with all that guilt and all the self-loathing was an overwhelming amount of fear. This wasn't just 'maybe we can spend some more time together' or 'maybe I'll tell him how I feel'. It was 'take a leap off this rooftop with me – _right now_', and she couldn't do it because she was so terrified she would fall. She was too afraid he wouldn't be there to catch her, because look how it turned out before. Look how they fell apart before. She couldn't fall apart again. She was only just starting to get herself back together.

And she just couldn't help thinking it was better for her to be with the man who loved her than to leave him and try to forge something uncertain with the man she loved. Ideally the man who loved her and the man she loved would be one and the same, but Barney wouldn't give her that and Kevin would.

So she ran scared, like she always does. Only this time she tried to run as far away as possible, almost into what would have been a disastrous marriage with Kevin. She hid away her feelings, like she always does, and she's been internalizing everything ever since.

And then along came Quinn, and Barney moved in with her practically overnight. He's so serious about Quinn and now Robin suddenly sees how he's changed, and if that's true than maybe back in November Barney really wouldn't have let her fall after all. Maybe they _could_ have worked out. Maybe they really could have been together all this time.

But it's too late now because he's there to catch some other woman, and all of his love is now for Quinn and not for her, never for her ever again. This time Robin has to stay quiet, lock all of her feelings away and internalize everything, not out of fear alone – and certainly not because she _wants_ to – but because she missed her chance. It's too late, and now she has no choice but to stay quiet forever, to hurt forever silently. That's what she's told herself she has to do, but it's hard. It's so incredibly hard to face a forever of watching Barney dote on this other woman.

So here she is now, safe in her apartment, unspeakably grateful to be alive, yet her life is so far from what she wants that she finds herself just lying here in bed, staring at the ceiling and crying.

She can't understand this. She can't understand herself at all. On tonight of all nights she should just be happy, but she can't stop the tears from streaming down her face. She tells herself maybe it was her dad. Maybe it was his call that set her off. Maybe it was him telling her that he _still_ isn't proud of her, that bringing an out of control helicopter safely to the ground thus saving a man's life as well as her own _still_ isn't good enough. But in her heart of hearts she knows it wasn't even that. Hearing him say that stung, but it didn't tear her apart like it usually does because she was still living on the high of receiving one other man's pride.

She may have survived tonight but there was still a great loss this evening, and it has nothing at all to do with her father. Almost dying put it all into perspective and highlighted the one profound truth she can no longer deny: she messed up. She made the greatest mistake she possibly could. She let Barney slip away, and it's something Robin will regret for the rest of her life.


	22. 722

**Good Crazy**

Robin knows she's always been passive about her feelings. She knows this about herself. She doesn't handle emotions well. Emotions are complicated and messy and uncomfortable. So she's passive when it comes to feelings. She feels things deeply but rather than make a grand show of said feelings, or act on them, or even try to sort them out, she just…..deals with them. She gets by in the here and now and pretty much just hopes they'll pass because it's so much easier that way.

That's how she's always lived her life since childhood. That's why people sometimes call her cold. That's why she used to say she was 'wired wrong'. But that's just how she's always gotten by; she knows no other way. The problem that's tearing her life apart is that for the first time ever, with Barney, the feelings simply won't pass. They refuse to just go away, and so she's stuck. She's stuck in this place where she can't move on, and it's just gotten ten thousand times worse because she can't move on but _he_ has.

Case in point, today is Lily's baby shower. It should be a joyous time of celebration, and Robin _is_ happy for her, she really is. But she can't help making comparisons. She can't keep her mind from thinking that it could have been her. It very nearly was. And that makes her feel all sorts of things she just can't deal with right now.

She doesn't want it; she _knows_ she doesn't want it. That's why it's crazy. It's completely insane…..but she can't help thinking that if things had only gone differently at that late November doctor's appointment she'd be carrying Barney's child right now and he would be by her side, looking after her, making sure she was drinking ice tea instead of scotch, taking her to We B Babies and picking out little suits for their son instead of living with some other woman.

And as much as she didn't want kids then and still doesn't now, as adamant as she is, there's a part of her that much prefers that reality to the current one she's living. Because she's finally got her dream, her career is finally taking off, but she's discovered that success feels pretty hollow without someone to share it with. But he's sharing everything with someone else now, and it's her own fault, and she just has to deal with it and move on. But moving on is impossible. She never did have an ounce of control over her feelings where Barney is concerned. That's why she's stuck, and hurting, and positively miserable.

Robin doesn't know how to fix any of this, but there's one thing she does know: she can't face this baby shower today. She cannot go there and see Barney all over Quinn and know that in an alternate reality this would have been her baby shower. It would have been _theirs_. But in the currently reality, in a year or so, maybe less, this could be Barney's and Quinn's baby shower.

She absolutely cannot go there and see that and know all that. It might make her a coward but she doesn't care. She's sitting this one out. For her own sanity, today she's hiding.

* * *

><p>Robin should have known better than to come to this particular diner, but it's close to what used to be home, and she's nervous. She's afraid that Lily will see right through her flimsy excuse and know the real reason why she's "accidently" showing up several hours early and then conveniently can't stay.<p>

So Robin stops in for coffee and pancakes topped with comforting butterscotch syrup….and just to generally stall. She should know better than to do any of this. Skipping out on her best friend's baby shower is a real low point in her life, and she should realize fate will catch up to her anyway; it always does. Still she doesn't see it coming when, after paying her bill, she gets up to leave, pushing the red stroller along beside her, just as Kevin walks in the door.

She hopes he won't see her but with the luck she's been having of course he does.

"Robin. Hi."

"Hi," she replies, pasting on her fake reporter smile. Kevin looks down to the stroller, then back up at her, curious. "Lily's baby shower is today," she explains.

"Oh. That's nice." Then, as if just realizing, he stops and looks at his watch. "It's kind of early in the morning for a baby shower, isn't it?"

The words fly out of her mouth before she realizes how odd it will make her seem. "The shower's at one."

He gives her a look. "It's barely nine a.m.."

"I like to be punctual?" she tries.

He appears to know she's lying but he lets it go. "Anyway, how have you been? I caught you on the news the other day."

"Yeah. I think everyone did."

"No, not the helicopter. I actually missed that one. This was just a regular broadcast."

She smiles. "I can't complain. Meeting the mayor, making a name for myself. My career is finally right where I've always wanted it to be."

"That's great." And he sounds like he means it, so maybe this won't have to be as awkward as she initially thought. "And what about the rest of you life? How are other things?" It's starting to feel like one of their old therapy sessions and she almost says so, until the next thing out of his mouth really throws her for a loop. "Are you and Barney back together yet?"

"What?" Robin genuinely thinks she misunderstood him. Barney's been on her mind so much it only stands to reason that she'd start mishearing things about him in her everyday conversations.

"Are you with Barney?" Kevin repeats, and now she knows it was no mistake.

She's caught off guard, left to wonder why Kevin would ask that, but she finally manages to answer. "Ah…no. No, he's, um, he's actually seeing someone else now." She isn't quite sure why she adds, "He's living with her."

Kevin shakes his head. "He's a fool. But I guess you can't really blame the guy. You did run pretty far and fast after you slept with him."

Robin's eyes widen in shock. "You knew? All that time…you knew?"

"Sometimes we know things we don't want to, and so we try to pretend they're not true. A classic case of denial. Even therapists fall prey to it. It never works out though."

He's spouting on about therapy and denial but Robin's mind is still reeling. "So, wait. How did you know? I never told you. You said you didn't want to hear it."

"I didn't need to hear it. You two were obvious. Barney was acting guilty as hell on that cruise and there's the little point that, back when we first met, when I was just your court appointed therapist, you told me you were still in love with him. I guess, deep down, I always knew what was going to happen."

"You knew?" she finds herself repeating because it's so hard to understand. "You remembered I had feelings for Barney, you knew we slept together, and you still wanted to marry me?"

Kevin nods. "And I would have too." An awkward silence falls and he looks down to the empty stroller. "Just so it's clear, Robin – I want it to be clear – kids had nothing to do with it. I think we both know that. I would have given up kids for you. I told you that several times, but you didn't want to hear. After about the fifth time you tried to force me to admit that it really would bother me someday, that's when I knew for sure."

She could argue. She could lie and tell him he's wrong, but instead she decides to leave it at the truth he's apparently known all along and simply says, "I'm sorry."

He shrugs. "It was what it was. We were both lying to ourselves…..I should have stayed on as just your therapist. I shouldn't have ever gotten involved with you. At the very least I should have found you another therapist. You needed help and I didn't get it for you. I wanted to keep you all to myself, and that was wrong of me."

"No, it's – it's okay, Kevin. I'm….really, I'm fine."

Clearly he doesn't believe her. "That lying to yourself thing, it doesn't work forever."

Maybe, maybe not. But it's been a pretty good go-to and she falls back on it yet again. "I don't know what you mean."

He gives her a half-smile. "It was good to see you, Robin." He moves to walk past her, but stops, seeming to think better of it, and turns back around to face her. "One last piece of advice, from your former therapist not your former boyfriend. When I was in high school I used to run track. The coach would say before every meet that life is just like a race, and I think that's probably true. But your strategy in it is all wrong, Robin, because you can never get the prize until you _stop running_. Your race is already over and you don't even know it." But he can see she's still fighting it. Her defenses are still up. There's always been a part of her that's like a scared, wounded, vulnerable child and he hates himself a little for taking advantage of that. "Go back to the finish line, Robin. Don't just give up until you at least find out if you've won. I'm a pretty good judge of people. I don't think you'll be disappointed."

She knows what he's telling her. He thinks she still has a chance with Barney. But he doesn't understand how much she's messed things up. He hasn't been around these past three months. He doesn't see that the prize already belongs to someone else now. "No, it's….it's not like that. It's too late."

"I doubt that." Kevin has to add one more thing, to make amends, to feel at peace with what he's done to her, and hopefully finally offer her some help. "Don't keep living a 'maybe someday' life, Robin. Don't keep being afraid to let yourself be happy. You'll never get anywhere that way."

And then he walks away, over to a booth where she watches him greet a woman, who must apparently be his new girlfriend, with a kiss.

* * *

><p>It's been over two weeks, two whole weeks, since Barney has seen Robin. Oh, he's seen her alright – on the news, meeting the mayor, even on Letterman, and he'd taken a special lunch trip to that deli to try the Scherbatsky. But he hasn't <em>really<em> seen Robin since that night at MacLaren's before he went to Ted's and they had Trilogy Time 2012.

But in those two weeks, while Quinn is at work, bumping and grinding and taking her clothes off for how many ever men walk into the club that night – and doing god knows what with those who request some alone time with her in the Champagne Room – he's been hanging out at the bar every night. And in one of those many nights at MacLaren's, Barney thought surely he would run into Robin. If he's honest with himself, there's always an extra little jolt of excitement when he walks into the bar each night, wondering if she's already there, and then waiting at their booth to see if she'll show up before closing time. She never does though, which is odd in and of itself. He's never known her to stay away from MacLaren's for so long. If there is one place in this city he can count on to run into Robin Scherbatsky it should be there.

So by the day of Lily's baby shower – a happy but otherwise lame diaper and baby powder filled event that would be one trying afternoon of old ladies and gift registries were it not for the absolute promise of seeing Robin there – Barney is more than eager to throw on one of his best suits and make the twenty-three minute ride over. In fact he shows up a half an hour earlier. It would have been forty-five minutes but he couldn't make Quinn see the merits of getting there that early. Plus she kept saying she was tired and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go to the shower at all, which lead him to point out she wouldn't be so tired had she not been out so very late the night before, and they came this close to getting into the fight that is inevitably coming over what she does for a living.

As if all that isn't bad enough, Barney's hopes are dashed nearly as soon as they arrive at Marshall and Lily's place. He casually asks Lily who's helping set up for the shower but she doesn't initially take the bait, introducing him to various family members instead. So he switches tactics and asks Marshall if any of the gang are here. Marshall simply informs him Ted hasn't come in yet. So finally Barney has to resort to asking after Robin by name. That's when Lily tells him she isn't coming; she already dropped off the pretty little red stroller in the corner earlier this morning and then left. Something about mixing up the times, and work, and she'd be too busy later in the afternoon to stay.

Barney finds it all a little odd. Staying away from MacLaren's night after night is strange enough, but now missing Lily's baby shower? It just doesn't add up. He doesn't think Robin can be avoiding Ted. Ted is the one who has the problem with Robin, and one of the last things he'd personally heard about Robin was when Marshall told them she'd asked about Ted and how he was doing. There must be something else going on, but what he doesn't know. Maybe all this baby stuff is just too much for Robin. He knows how babies freak her out. He remembers their trip to We B Babies and how overwhelmed she had been by it all.

That starts him thinking, and in that thinking he realizes that if things had gone differently Robin would be having their baby in only a few months' time. Not that he wanted that. He was glad she wasn't pregnant. He'd seen what having a kid did to the once Insane Dwayne and it forevermore convinced him he wants no part of fatherhood himself. Good luck with that, Marshall.

But still Barney can't help wondering what _other_ things might have turned out differently had Robin been pregnant with their baby, and it's those things that make him a little wistful. Wistful isn't exactly sad but it's close enough for him to know he'd rather be awesome instead. So he hauls Quinn to his side, grabs a drink, and determines in all the introductions not to bring up her profession at all. If he's lucky they can get through the entire afternoon without mentioning that dreaded S-word at all.

* * *

><p>After running into several of her "customers" out on the street while simply trying to go to dinner, Barney is more sure than ever that he doesn't want his live-in girlfriend giving lap dances to other men – and he really doesn't see why that's such an outlandish request. But Quinn sees it differently, so he's got to find some way on his own to get her to quit her job.<p>

He knows one surefire way to do it. He heard it from her own mouth. The one way she'll quit stripping is if she gets married. But he isn't ready to propose to her. That's…..no. Really, they don't know each other all that well yet. Though they do live together, with their different work schedules they barely see each other, so it's not like they've had a whole lot of time to just be a couple and see how that works. And – and proposing….that's so final. It's final in a way he's not yet ready for because…because maybe there's just a little, foolish part of him that still clings to the hope that someday Robin might change her mind.

He still thinks about the night they spent together in November. It was six months ago but he remembers it like it was yesterday. Touching her, loving her that way was everything he'd wanted for so long. But it wasn't him alone and it definitely wasn't all one-sided. The way she looked into his eyes, the way she made love to him – her hands in his hair, on his face, the little sighs she made as her fingers traced his spine, curling tightly into his skin as he moved with her – it all spoke of a connection that went beyond just sex, or even just two exes having a backslide. That's why he was so sure at the time that Robin would meet him the next night.

To this day there's this little part of him that refuses to die that still thinks it's possible that someday Robin might let herself admit it too. And it's that hope, that there might be some feeling still there buried deep within her that one day could come out again, that just won't allow him to propose to another woman.

So with marriage off the table he'll just have to find some other way to get Quinn to stop stripping.

Maybe it's just as simple as replacing one job with another….

* * *

><p>It's been days, and yet Robin can't stop thinking about what Kevin said. She can't stop wondering how things would be different right now if he had stayed on as her therapist and nothing more, if he had never cancelled their sessions. She's always scoffed at therapy – sitting around and talking about feelings seemed like the last thing she'd ever want to do – but she really had been making progress in their sessions. And who knows? If she had just continued therapy with Kevin and never started dating him then maybe by November she would have had it more together. Maybe she would have had the courage to meet Barney at MacLaren's that night and talk about the possibility of the two of them getting back together.<p>

But it didn't turn out that way, she reminds herself, and so it must be for the best. That's what Ted would say. He'd tell her that the universe and cosmic forces have been trying to give them a sign; she and Barney just aren't meant to be.

Even though she doesn't believe in fate and destiny that way, but rather ultimately your life is what you make it, she still knows she and Barney simply cannot be. Her heart tells her he's the One, the only one for her, but logically that doesn't make any sense. She knew back in November that trying again with Barney would be dangerous; she loved him too much and the odds were they would only end up brokenhearted again and unable to make the relationship work. Now the situation is even bleaker because she did turn him down, and he moved on, and he's in love with someone else. That's just the way things are now and she's going to have to get used to them. It _can't_ be Barney. That's all there is to it.

Unless of course Lily is right and the relationship doesn't last. That's still possible. They may have gotten past the coffee mug hurdle but there could be something else…..And if they do end up breaking up on their own, and then maybe Barney does still have some feelings left for her, well, that's another story. But it's probably best not to hope for that. It will only set her up for disappointment later.

That's when she gets the call from Lily saying she's gone into labor, and Robin realizes that some things in life, like Lily and Marshall and this new baby that's about to be born, _are_ meant to be. She knows it's time that she start focusing on those things and let go of what's in the past, what most likely can never be.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I didn't really have a lot to add to or dissect within the Atlantic City portions of the story so I decided to include all talk of Atlantic City in 7.23 because it flowed better that way.

Also I really felt that Kevin was one giant missed opportunity and basically a huge waste of all our time the way they finally wrote him. I know they had different plans for him to begin with but the final product was just pointless. So I decided in my head canon to give him at least a little purpose in the wisdom he imparts to Robin in this chapter.

Plus I think it's so stupid that they never addressed how she told him back in therapy that she had feelings for Barney, not to mention that he'd have to be an idiot not to notice their odd behavior on the cruise. And, come on, what was up with that "I don't need to hear it" business in 7.10? I always suspected Kevin knew all along what happened between Robin and Barney, and since the show chose to never address that, but instead have them break up for a silly, unrelated reason (made all the more ridiculous since the Robin infertility storyline has gone nowhere) which I never did believe was the real, full story, I wanted to touch on that as well. Kevin was supposed to be a perceptive, insightful therapist, an expert on human behavior. He can't have been as ignorant on what was going on with Robin as they made him out to be, so I had him explain here that he wasn't ignorant at all but simply chose to look the other way.


	23. 723

**The Magician's Code, Part 1**

Off in Atlantic City doing tequila shots with Marshall, Barney knows he's probably being a jerk to Quinn, taking off without telling her and not talking to her at all for two whole days. But the thing is she's being a jerk to him too. She refuses to even acknowledge why her job as a stripper might be a problem in their relationship, or that he has a right to be bothered by it.

And he did apologize after demanding she quit. He sent her flowers and chocolates. What's more, the GNB job offer was legitimate, certainly nothing to look down her nose at. Maybe he made some mistakes but they were justified, and he's still kind of angry at her…..

So three hours later – after they found out Lily is in labor, they came up short on finding any way back to New York City, they wasted way too much time betting on the wrong machine trying to win the motorcycle, and when that failed he attempted to steal said motorcycle only to be arrested and then subsequently released by casino security – Barney has decided that if things are over between him and Quinn then he's just going to make the best of it.

College seniors, daddy's home.

* * *

><p>Lily needs stories to help her get through labor, so Robin and Ted are more than willing to give her stories, <em>any<em> stories they can remember at a moment's notice.

But it doesn't help Robin's muddled state of mind lately that so many of the stories revolve around Barney. Barney and 'she who denied it supplied ' – because he always did like messing with her, even back when she was dating Ted. The time she and Barney tried to prove banana peels aren't really slippery and, while they ended up losing, Barney would up saving a woman's life instead because, as he said at the time, "I'm just that awesome". Barney and the Terminator play; she'd only heard about him walking naked through the alley, but she could bear personal witness to how fiercely hot he looked decked out in black leather and sunglasses.

But her favorite story of the lot is 'where does that door go?'….

It was late last spring, just after the ugly Arcadian business had been settled and the group all started getting along again. She and Barney had grown undeniably closer during that time period. Though Robin was honestly rather appalled that she was the only one who stood by Barney through it all, it had felt like the two of them against the world and that did a lot to further the bond that had been growing increasingly stronger as the months passed after her disastrous break up from Don.

Once Zoey was gone, Barney's job was saved, the Arcadian was set for demolition, and everyone was back on the same side once again, they all decided to plan some sort of massive rooftop summer celebration to commemorate their victory. She suggested they just wait a few weeks for Canada Day to roll around.

That's what started the little debate between her and Barney over the merits of Canada Day versus American Independence Day, which quickly lead into a 'Canada is so lame because' monologue from Barney. He was teasing her on how she still mispronounces certain words when she gets very angry….or very passionate – which of course was the story he chose to tell – when Ted got bored and decided to see what was behind that mysterious door at MacLaren's.

Robin misses times like that with Barney, desperately. The way they always teased each other, the free and easy nature of it, the playfulness. The way they could always just jump right in, instantly on the same wavelength, whether they were mocking Ted, or zinging one-liners, or engaging in flirtatious banter – which they both know, deep down, has been their favorite form of foreplay from the moment they met.

But now is no time to think about how much she misses Barney, or what mistakes she's made, and all that she's lost with him. Not when Lily is in pain, about to imminently have a baby, and her husband is nowhere to be found. So she switches positions, tries to calm her friend, places a comforting hand on her leg, looks beneath the sheet to check on her progress, and promptly passes out.

* * *

><p>On the ride back into New York, Barney sobered up quickly, and with that sobriety came clarity of thought, especially after the college seniors turned out to be just a bus full of old people. He realized he has nothing left to comfort him now and that's when he really began to miss Quinn.<p>

Now, five minutes away from the hospital, Barney knows he's sad to see the relationship end because he doesn't want to go back to sleeping around again. He doesn't love it; he doesn't even _like_ it anymore. There's nothing fulfilling about that lifestyle. He's finally now gotten to a point where he can admit that he does want a real, lasting relationship with just one woman. He wants to share his life with someone. He doesn't want to be alone.

Yet in an eight month period he's managed to bungle it with three different women. But he refuses to accept that. That's why when this is all over and he gets back home, he'll just have to take whatever punishment Quinn doles out and _make_ things work with her because it's far better than the alternative.

* * *

><p>Robin is still feeling woozy as Ted leads her out of the delivery room. Whatever lingering sadness she might have felt for her and Barney's almost-baby, and the fact that she can now <em>never<em> have one herself, vanished the moment she looked under that sheet and got a vivid reminder of what the "miracle of childbirth" actually looks like. She is never, ever, doing that.

But before she has too much time to reflect on that, Marshall and Barney arrive at the hospital. Another ten minutes go by, and Barney is just telling them the good news of the two for a dollar snack machine when Marshall comes back out and proudly announces that he's a father. A group hug immediately ensues before they all rush back into the delivery room to meet the newest member of their gang.

Robin looks down at the little boy and she's thankful to see he's so much cuter cleaned up and fully out of Lily.

Lily officially introduces their son, Marvin, named in honor of Marshall's late father, to the group. But then Barney interrupts, asking Lily, "Tell them the full name."

Robin turns to see the proud look on his face as Lily announces her son's name in full: Marvin Waitforit Erickson.

Robin knows the name has Barney's influence written all over it, and she can't keep the helpless smile from her lips as she inches past him to sit beside Lily on the bed. Tears fill her eyes as she gazes down at the first baby she'll ever love – and hold even.

As Barney, too, stands there and looks down at the baby – who admittedly is a cute little guy; it must be his middle name spreading the awesome on already – he feels the joy of this moment, not just for Marshall and Lily but for the little family the five of them, now six, have become.

Despite everything that's happened, it seems fitting in such a moment to have Robin close beside him. Close enough that he can smell her familiar perfume, feel the heat of her body, and he finds his hand lifting of its own accord to rest upon her shoulder for the first bit of physical contact they've had in months. And, god, it feels good. It feels _right_ at a moment like this, one they'll all look back on for years to come, to be sharing it with Robin.

In her haze of admiring the newest little addition to their group, Robin feels a hand rest against her shoulder and she knows instantly it's Barney's. She'd recognize his touch anywhere, and it's heavenly. Full of happiness, she reaches out to caress the baby. As she does so, she feels Barney slide his hand down her body to rest against her lower back, and it stays there, warm and solid and tender, as he reaches out to touch the baby too.

Their hands brush across soft baby skin and each other's, and tears further flood her eyes because it makes this moment that much more complete. Robin knows no matter what happens from here on out, she will always remember the way it feels in this perfect second of time.


	24. 724

**The Magician's Code, Part 2**

* * *

><p><em>We were almost beautiful<em>

_A broken piece of art put on display._

_But we were never possible._

* * *

><p>They've just come from an oh so beautiful first meeting of minutes-old Marvin Waitforit Erickson, and Robin really can't imagine this day going any better. That is, until all that transpires out in the waiting room. First, she and Ted have a long overdue talk where their friendship comes out fully intact and yet she can also tell him some honest truths. Namely, that he needs to stop his destructive dating behavior. He needs to stop pursing people he knows there's no future with while throwing it all away with what could have been the One because when he had the chance to get what he truly wanted it terrified him. It's excellent advice, and she of all people knows because it's advice she should have taken herself. It's too late for her now, but it's not too late for Ted.<p>

And then the second thing happens. Barney comes out and announces his relationship with Quinn is on the rocks and likely headed for a break up. Robin tries not to feel too good about that. Barney seems genuinely upset over how he "ruined" things. He seems to really love Quinn, and while Robin hates that, she does feel badly for his sake. She even looks sharply over at Ted when he suggests that Quinn may have moved out, which is only making Barney feel worse.

But on the other hand, there is a selfish part of her that's elated at the news. Because she doesn't want Barney loving Quinn. She wants Barney to love _her_, even if she did run away back when she had the chance; Ted isn't the only one who makes mistakes. In spite of hers, there's a part of her that never will be able to bear seeing Barney with another woman. She will _always_ want it to be her instead.

And it's that part of Robin that is selfishly happy because with Quinn perhaps out of the picture now maybe she can still have that hope that she and Barney will find their way back together someday.

* * *

><p>On the cab ride home from the hospital, Barney knows he's screwed things up yet again.<p>

No matter how perfect it felt sharing Baby Marvin's birth with Robin, she's an impossibility, a hopeless dream there's no point in pursuing. And despite what he said back in Atlantic City about the bus full of college seniors, he really doesn't want to go back to sleeping around. He doesn't want to be alone, always alone – and moving from one-night-stand to one-night-stand is the emptiest kind of alone. He wants something lasting instead. He wants a serious relationship. But he's thrown away his chance with Quinn and he knows it's his own fault.

So when he gets home, opens up the door, and finds Quinn still sitting there, he doesn't even care what she's done to his apartment. All he can think of is how grateful he is that she didn't leave him, that he won't have to be alone after all. And this time he's got to make sure that it stays that way.

So over the next week, he makes up his mind and there's no turning back. He's going to propose to Quinn in Hawaii. He's going to propose, and then she'll stop stripping and they won't have that to fight about anymore, and then she'll never leave him for the rest of his life.

But even as he's planning it, even as he's giving the money to his Ring Guy, there's a part of him that's still mad at Quinn for failing to care about his feelings and how her job really does bother him, for refusing to give it up for him, refusing to choose _him_.

And even though it probably won't matter, even though in all likelihood it's useless wishful thinking, he also very much wants to read the look on Robin's face when she finds out. If there's ever a moment to bring out the feelings a tiny part of him still hopes might be buried somewhere deep down within her it's going to be that one.

The fact that he's still thinking about Robin – dreaming about scenarios where she blurts out "I love you" and asks him to marry her instead – while planning his proposal to another woman is something Barney chooses not to focus on. The most important thing is not being alone. He figured that out on the ride home from the hospital when he fully expected to return to a lonely, empty apartment. He doesn't want to live a life by himself, the sad aging womanizer. Marriage is the one way to guarantee that won't happen.

And if he's not exactly overflowing with feelings of love and happiness like he should be, well then he'll just make up for that with the most awesome, elaborate proposal on record…..

Challenge Accepted.

He just has to call his Magic Guy.

* * *

><p>A week after little Marvin's birth, and the incident Robin has since inwardly dubbed that time she got her hopes up way too high for her own good, she's glad to be the official baby photographer for Marshall and Lily because she needs something to take her mind off Barney flying away on a romantic Hawaiian vacation with Quinn.<p>

Things didn't exactly work out there as she thought they might. Barney and Quinn were able to mend fences and are apparently happier than ever before. Which is good. For Barney. It really is.

Of course it hurts like hell, but that's what being the official baby photographer is for. It's a great distraction. And if she obsesses about it enough, all the way to a Teddish level, she can almost manage to not think about all the mind-blowing beach sex Barney will be having with Quinn.

So that's just what she does, all day long. Things seem to be going along well too. She's just captured the perfect picture when she hears someone at the door and goes off to investigate. Surprisingly it's Barney and Quinn, here in the apartment instead of halfway to Hawaii, where they were supposed to be by now.

Robin stops short, confused. She has no idea what this means and why Barney's here instead of there.

"Guys, we've got something to tell you," he says.

She can tell from the tone of his voice that this is big – and she suddenly has a sinking feeling that whatever he's about to say is not going to be good. Still, she isn't prepared for the next words out of his mouth.

Barney looks directly at Robin, his eyes on hers, as he announces, "We're engaged."

It feels like being punched, hard, right in the gut, like would sometimes happen to her in those pre-teen hockey matches before the other team realized she was a girl.

And all she can do is stand there and absorb the pain. She's caught in a daze, in a nightmare she wants to wake up from, where everything hurts and it's her worst fear come to life, and she knows there's no stopping this but still she wants to somehow turn back time and make it not be so.

Then Marshall speaks and his voice draws Robin from her private horror back into the scene unfolding around her. She shakes herself out of it and commands herself to speak.

"Wow. Big day." And she forces a smile, a practiced move she's perfected over the years.

Lily runs to hug them, but Robin steps back, unable to participate in the congratulations and good wishes. She thinks she vaguely hears Marshall say something about the baby needing to be changed, but it's really just a blur. All she can see is Barney standing there next to the woman he's going to marry – and it's not her. That's about as far as her thoughts can stretch at the moment.

Marshall lifts the baby to Barney's nose, and while Barney can confirm that, yeah, the kid has totally ruined his diaper, all he can focus on is Robin's reaction to the news. She hasn't said much, hasn't hugged him. She did look a little stunned at first.

But he can't let it go at just that. He can't let it go at all without knowing for sure, so he hangs back as the others go into the nursery. He watches to make sure Quinn especially is completely out of earshot and into the other room before he turns back to Robin.

It was Robin's original plan to bolt as soon as they went in to change the baby. She simply _cannot_ make it through hearing the story of Barney's romantic, loving proposal – which she's sure, with Barney, had to be the most adorable proposal ever; he always was the one who said to her the very sweetest things she's ever heard.

But when she sees Barney hanging back, actually standing between her and a quick getaway, she knows that's not an option.

And then it's just the two of them alone.

* * *

><p><em>Another perfect moment thrown away.<em>

_Cause we were everything that's right at the wrong time_.

* * *

><p>Robin tries her hardest to fake happy, but she's speechless. She just can't seem to find any words to string together. What she wants say – to scream – is 'Don't do this. Change your mind. Love <em>me<em> instead.'. But she knows she can't. Every thought, every feeling, they're all things that now she can never admit.

Barney stands there before Robin, who still hasn't said a word. She hasn't asked him to marry her instead, like in his fantasy – which he knew she wouldn't but he still feels the sting of disappointment all the same.

He looks at her and he knows he's still in love with her. He isn't even trying to fool himself. He can say he's moved on, but that's only because he had no choice. And even now, even as he's just gotten engaged to Quinn, he can't help trying one last time to feel Robin out. Because despite everything, if even just a little part of Robin still wants him, he's hers for the taking. He belongs to her; he's always belonged to her.

And in this moment alone with her, his true feelings escape. "So, last chance to run away together." He's careful to keep his voice light, but he means it. He's never meant anything more. He nods behind him, to the escape that's still waiting for them. "Door's right there," he says, and it's all the more fitting that it's a door they once made love against.

"Yes," Robin agrees. She hadn't noticed how or when, but they've moved closer, till there's now scarcely any distance between them. "We'll start a new life."

"Head for the border," Barney suggests.

And the tragic part is neither one knows the other's not lying.

Her eyes brighten and she reaches out and touches his arm. "Canada." Something they'll forever share, even if he wants to deny it.

"Eh, Mexico. Canada _sucks_."

They both know it's a game, this anti-Canada rivalry they have, but they both still love it, and Robin falls readily into her role.

"Okay, well, you're one quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one quarter suck."

A smile plays at his lips. This effortless banter, this instinctive groove they slide into, it still comes so easy. It was always easy with Robin, and it always felt so right in a way that nothing else ever has or ever could.

"I'm one hundred percent awesome, and you know it," Barney teases.

It feels like old times but, sadly, Robin knows that couldn't be farther from the truth. Ultimately, she's the one to bring their banter to an end by answering in a very real manner with the words that come spilling from her heart to her mouth. "Yeah, I do."

In those three simple words she's telling him she loves him and she always will. He _is_ one hundred percent awesome. He will forever be the most amazing, the most imperfectly perfect man she'll ever know.

She loves him more than anything but she knows they've missed whatever chance they might have had. _She_ missed it for them, and now it's too late. No more "maybe, someday". All she hears in her mind is _never again_. _ Never again_. They'll never laugh this way again. They'll never share another sweet, sexy dance. They'll never flirt and tease each other the way they always did from the very beginning, no matter where they were in live or who they were seeing. They always fit so perfectly together, but she'll never feel his arms around her again. He'll never hold her hand. He'll never kiss her. He'll never make love to her ever again.

_Never again_, _never again_, repeats endlessly through her heart, and she blinks repeatedly, scarcely holding back the tears. That's when she looks down, looks away, because she can't bear to hold his gaze right now. She's two seconds away from falling apart, from completely breaking down, and a small noise escapes her as she tries to hold herself together.

Barney watches her carefully. He would have run off into the sunset with her without a thought had she only just said the word. But she didn't.

And yet he thinks maybe he sees something…..something that looks like tears, something that feels like regret.

So he has to ask her, one final time.

"Look, I – I hope this isn't weird or anything," he says.

And he's all but begging her. _If you have any feelings for me left at all, say something. Now. _Please_. Stop me. Tell me not to marry Quinn. This is our last chance._

But Robin doesn't hear any of that. The only thing she gets out of his words is the one thing she hoped to never hear from him: _I'm happy now with someone else. I love her and not you. I hope you can be okay with that_.

And it is okay, she tells herself – though it is so _not_ okay – but it _must_ be okay, because this is how it's supposed to be. She shouldn't love him. She shouldn't want to be with him. That's not what he wants and he's saying it so clearly.

And, really, this is such a big deal for Barney. He's embraced commitment. He's stepping into marriage. He's made a good, real life for himself. She always knew there was more to him than the lies and the sleeping around. She always wanted more _for_ him. She knows now without a shadow of a doubt that she always wanted it to be with _her_, but he's happy now with someone else. He's made his choice. He's found his One. And even though it breaks her heart beyond repair, she has to let him go. She has to step back and just be happy because _he_ is happy. He's finally happy, and his happiness is all that matters.

Barney knows Robin hasn't stopped him yet, but he's still fishing. He's still hoping she'll say something. At the very least that it bothers her, just a little. "Because…."

"Barney, I'm…" She finds herself struggling to say it through her pain, but she does mean it. For his sake, she means it. "I'm really happy for you."

"Really?" And there's a world of sadness in that one word. There's an endless supply of disappointment and devastation. Because this is their one last chance. It's now or never. Her one last moment to feel _anything_ for him. But she doesn't care that he's engaged to another woman, and that tells him once and for all that everything he always feared is true.

Robin looks into Barney's eyes and she knows she could still say, 'I love you'. She could still say, 'It should be me instead'. And a part of her still wants to. A part of her is begging her mouth to form the words before it's too late. But she does love him, more than she even knew was possible, and it's because of that love that she won't allow herself to say it. She won't do a single thing to mar his happiness even in the slightest.

"Really," she tells him, even if it is through tears.

The second confirmation hurts Barney no less than the first. So that's it. She's really and truly over him. She doesn't love him. She'll never love him. She only thinks of him as a friend and nothing more. That's all it ever will be. Though it breaks his heart all over again, he knows this time he has to accept it.

So he nods, and in that nod there's a painful finality that reverberates through them both.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: The lyrics I used here are from a song by David Cook called "The Last Goodbye".

I am going to continue this story through Season 8 (and beyond, if there is a beyond!). I will leave it as "Catching the Clock" until Barney and Robin get back together. Once they do, they will of course have finally gotten their timing right, or 'caught the clock' as it were, so at that point I'm going to start a sequel to this called "The Season Of Us" (named after the passage Barney and Robin chose for the church sign on their wedding day), to cover the time period when they're together again.

Until then, "The Season of Us" will be the name of the chaptered story I'm going to write throughout the summer. It will be future set, starting in the time period just after Barney and Robin have gotten back together (hopefully from November onward).

Once they do officially get back together, I will merge the two and place my summertime chapters in-between the actual episodes of Season 8, where I feel they would go.


	25. 801

**Farhampton**

* * *

><p>In the nursery, watching little Marvin in his crib, Robin knows it's wrong but she can't help feeling a little jaded and discontented by it all. Marshall and Lily are so happy with their baby. Barney is snuggled up to his new fiancée. And then there's her, standing alone in the back of the room. The whole thing kind of makes her want to scream. She honestly can't take another moment of this beautiful scene, so in an effort to burst the bubble of this tender moment and snap them all out of it, Robin begins noticeably, loudly picking her teeth.<p>

The action draws Barney's attention and he glances over at her for the first time. Up until now, ever since he accepted Robin's happiness with a somber nod and then walked into the nursery to join the others, he's been attempting to focus on Quinn alone. He held her tight and kissed her hair and tried so hard to just feel happy the way he should at a moment like this, but he can't stop his eyes from following Robin as she walks up to the baby's crib. She wipes her finger on Marvin's blankets, announcing "Robin 1, Poppy Seed 0", and he can't keep the smile from his lips.

But that's just it; he shouldn't be looking at Robin, smiling at Robin, even as his arms are around his fiancée. Robin just broke his heart all over again not five minutes ago. She made it crystal clear once more that she has no romantic feelings left for him whatsoever. He shouldn't be watching her, or thinking about her, or feeling anything for her at all. He knows it; he does. So when Marshall suggests this occasion calls for champagne, Barney grabs Quinn's hand and heads for the kitchen – making sure to first announce to the entire room, Robin included, that they are off to have we-just-got-engaged sex, one of the very best kinds – because if anything can make him focus on Quinn having sex with her certainly should.

Robin immediately turns away from Barney's announcement. She does her best to think about the baby only and not Barney out having sex in the next room, but as she sees Quinn pull the door shut tight to give them privacy for all their wild mind-blowing sex, Robin finds it just isn't working and all she really wants to do is escape this whole nightmare. She wants it so badly that as soon as they're left alone in the nursery she jumps on the excuse of her friends' exhaustion as the perfect reason for why they should all just call it a night and then she won't have to be subjected to any more of this.

But then Lily calls her on "feeling weird" because Barney is engaged. Robin is determined not to even allow _herself_ to face that fact let alone have others going around thinking it, so she hurries to dispel Lily of the notion that there are any feelings on her part, weird or otherwise. "What? No, of course not," she exclaims. It's an obvious lie – five minutes ago she'd started to cry and only just now she'd tried to get everyone to go home – said in what's dangerously close to her truth voice, but she does her best to sell it all the same.

Still, Lily doesn't seem to be buying it, so Robin goes with her surefire ace in the hole. "I have no desire to get Barney back," Robin argues. She realizes halfway through that Lily only accused her of "feeling weird" not wanting to get back together with Barney; that last part came from her alone. But she soldiers on all the same. "Because I'm with Nick now."

That's right; Robin Scherbatsky went out and got herself some man candy so she can have "mind-blowing" sex too. She's heard for weeks now about Barney's hot stripper girlfriend. Well, _she_ can have that too, the female fantasy counterpart anyway: a hot, chef boyfriend. And it's true that Nick does make her feel better about it all. He tells her she's beautiful, cooks her private dinners at home, and most of all he proves that she can move on exactly like Barney did. That's why she won't let herself feel weird about this at all. Not one bit. Barney has Quinn, and she has Nick. So it's okay. This is how it's supposed to be.

Because of Nick she's able to make it through the awkward questioning, _just_ able to make it through the whole unfolding scene…..and then Quinn comes back from her sexcapades in the kitchen, still pulling on her shirt. But it's okay; Robin's handling it. She's handling it all – right up until Quinn asks her to be a bridesmaid in the wedding, and then she can't handle it anymore.

She can't do this because, Nick or no Nick, now it's weird. She could lie to herself before, try to distance herself before, manage to just survive the evening without breaking down before, but she can't bear the thought of being in Barney's wedding, standing up at the altar with him but not as his bride, instead shoved off to the side like she doesn't matter, like she's old news, while she watches him marry another woman. She absolutely cannot do that and see that and live that. She doesn't even plan to be there at all.

Yet she has no choice but to agree, to smile and lie and hug Quinn like they're best friends. However, the very minute Quinn leaves the room again, Robin turns to Marshall and Lily for their help, for some way out of this, but they're both so exhausted it's worse than dealing with stoners. Since the only two people she could count on are of no help at all, Robin's forced to play along, swallowing her emotions for the umpteenth time that night. But while she's sitting there listening to Barney and Quinn talk about their wedding, Robin knows she can't make it through this over the next months, helping Quinn happily plan a wedding to the man she – to Barney. So when Quinn goes into the other room to make a phone call, Robin does the one thing she hoped she wouldn't have to do – appeal directly to Barney herself.

When Robin comes and sits down next to him – telling him, "We've got to talk" – Barney doesn't know what to think. To be honest, it's hard for him to focus on anything she's saying when she's sitting so close. She's turned facing him, leaning slightly into him, and by its own volition his arm moves up to drape over the back of the sofa along beside her, his thumb hovering just inches from her shoulder. He wants to touch her so badly and that in itself is a problem. But he can see she's oblivious to it all, just going on about bridesmaids and wondering if Quinn is the least bit weirded out that they used to date. So he tries to make light of it too, tries to clean it up and pretty the entire situation the way he's been trying to do in his mind from the moment he decided to propose to Quinn. Robin easily sees through him, though, and figures out that he has in fact been lying to Quinn, omitting the truth that will surely send her packing: she'll never be anything more than a second choice after the real love of his life didn't want him.

When Barney confirms her suspicions, Robin sits up bone straight, running a hand through her hair and moving away from him at his disturbing admission that Quinn doesn't have a clue they ever were a couple. She doesn't want to be kept a secret, like she had no significance in his life, like their time together didn't count. _She_ had Barney first. He wanted _her_ once. That can't just be forgotten and dismissed like it's nothing, so for the second time in as many minutes she reminds him that "we used to date". When that fails to get a proper reaction, she closes her eyes and sighs heavily, about to try another, far more painful tactic. "Okay, Barney, think this through." She can't even look at him when she names Quinn as his future life partner, but she gets out the words nonetheless. "Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Quinn – "

A horrified look overtakes Barney's face, and now he's the one to sit up bone straight. "_Oh, god_. You have a point," he exclaims, his voice a mixture of panic and dread. Robin asked him to think this through and he truly did. That's why her point is so upsetting. In fact, he's finding it hard to breathe.

What was he thinking? He didn't want to be single and alone again; that's what it was. He didn't want to be left by yet another woman. When he decided to propose he thought Quinn was still working at the Lusty Leopard, and she swore the only way she would ever quit stripping was if she got married. He was so fixated on that, getting her away from other men so she wouldn't cheat and end up leaving him, that he saw no other way but to propose to her. Then when he learned she'd already quit – that she'd actually chosen _him_ – it made him feel so loved for a change and he got caught up in that feeling. But it never really hit him until now just what he's agreed to. In the week before he actually popped the question all the way up until this moment now, he'd tried to push away the reality of what this means – which is why he's been focusing on ostentatious, grand, showy things not at all grounded in realism, like the elaborate magic proposal or riding down the aisle on the back of a grizzly bear, rather than thinking about what marrying Quinn really entails. He doesn't want to think about actually being with her forever, spending the rest of his life with her. Oh, god. He's going to have to spend _the rest of his life_ with her. He doesn't want that. He knows he doesn't want that. No more hope of Robin, ever. He'd be forever closing that door. No more 'what if, someday she changes her mind'. It would all just be gone with nothing but Quinn in his future. What has he gotten himself into?

But at the same time, through the shock of all this dismaying clarity over what a huge mistake he made a few hours back at the airport, there's a small part of Barney that wonders _why_ Robin is asking. Sitting here squeezed next to her, their legs pressed together, with him not so much as moving an inch backward towards the plentiful space left on the rest of the sofa, something dangerously close to hope tingles through him. Because maybe if she's asking, maybe if she's trying to get him to change his mind, that might mean she _is_ upset about his engagement after all…..

Then she tells him he misunderstood her point; that's not what she was saying at all. And of course it wasn't. Of course she doesn't care. She's made that clear over and over again. She told him she's happy for him. She smiled and congratulated him along with everyone else. She even agreed to be a bridesmaid. Of course she doesn't care; she doesn't love him. So Barney looks over at Robin and laughs. He tries to play off his slipup, sitting back casually as if he didn't just reveal that this whole thing with Quinn is a facade, that given the chance with just one word from Robin he'd be ready to back out of it all and come running to her if even the smallest part of her might want him back too.

Robin, however, doesn't notice. She's too fixated on Barney pretending like the two of them never happened. If she can't get through to him any other way, surely the fact that it will upset his precious Quinn once she finds out he lied to her ought to do the trick. But that's not an issue for him either because, as he so proudly tells her, "I destroyed every piece of evidence that you and I were ever a couple".

And that hurts Robin to her very core. It shouldn't, but it does. He's with another woman – he has been for three months – and she has someone now too, but still there's something tragically symbolic in him discarding every last vestige of their relationship for Quinn's benefit. She has literally been replaced. The knowledge makes her want to lash out. It makes her want to fight and rally against the truth of it. Which she does. "That's ridiculous," she derides. "You couldn't have gotten rid of all of it."

But he shrugs, so nonchalant and careless about throwing away their memories like garbage. And just to prove how little it all means to him, he shows her absurdly photoshopped pictures of the moments they shared together where he's cut her right out of the picture as if it never happened. _They_ never happened. He's completely erased her from the photos, from his mind, from his heart.

She means nothing more to Barney than an inconsequential stop in the road on the way to his final destination, Quinn. She's so insignificant to him that she's not even worth keeping a single souvenir. And that hurts worst of all. "You replaced me with a tiger," she says, suddenly feeling a little like throwing up. "Well, I'm glad that deleting our entire time together was so _easy_ for you."

All Barney can think is she has no idea how wrong she is. The very fact that he feels compelled to hide his relationship with her from Quinn at all should speak volumes. Quinn knows about Nora. She even knows that, years ago, he once had another real girlfriend named Shannon. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her about Robin. Not only does he omit the information, but he goes to great lengths to purposefully hide it and keep their relationship a secret – removing everything from his home, his phone, his computer, anywhere she might find it. Because he doesn't want to have to explain why he still has all of these little mementos, why he still keeps them like cherished treasures, why he won't get rid of them for her or anyone else. No, it's much easier to simply lie to Quinn, to never let her know the truth that Robin isn't just a friend and a bro but an ex-girlfriend he very much still has feelings for and he knows it. That knowledge would lead to World War III. Quinn would try to actually make him get rid of all of his Robin keepsakes. She might even try to forbid him from seeing Robin if she knew the truth –and that would NOT be acceptable. So he has no other options but to keep it all a secret.

Robin, however, is entirely unaware of Barney's thoughts or his real motivation for all of this secrecy. She only wants – needs – to make him see that regardless of his creative photoshopping skills, Quinn will eventually find out about them. He can't simply imagine their relationship away no matter how much he wants to – and the very fact that he wants to is something that continues to tear her heart apart. But rather than seeing the wisdom in her reasoning, Barney simply adds insult to injury by asking her to actually help him pretend that they never happened at all.

But before they can all get their stories straight, Quinn comes back in the room, and then Ted calls asking Barney to seduce some woman over the phone. Marshall and Lily distract Quinn by taking her back into the nursery and Robin, in an effort to distract herself, reaches for the nearest book she can find.

While Robin is politely trying to look at least like she's not listening in, Barney still feels strange and oddly….guilty doing this in front of her, so he disappears into the other bedroom to flirt and seduce and have some fairly decent phone sex with a woman who is mostly decidedly not his fiancée. Yet, when he walks back into the nursery only just ending the call, he's grinning widely because maybe there is a part of him that still misses doing things like this. Maybe it gives him a thrill he's not getting at home. And, equally oddly enough, he doesn't feel the slightest bit guilty talking about how dirty it was right to Quinn's face or telling her how much this other nameless woman was "begging for it".

He's feeling pretty good at the moment actually until it all goes to hell at the revelation that Quinn's found out he and Robin were once a couple. He curses in German because this is exactly what he's been dreading and trying to avoid. He doesn't want to talk about this. He doesn't want to tell Quinn the truth about him and Robin because what is he going to say? _She was the first woman to make me feel anything in over a decade_. _I've been in love with her for years_. _Finally convincing her to give our relationship a try was like a dream come true_. _The months I spent with her with the happiest, most incredible times of my life_. _Even after the breakup, she's been the only woman truly on my mind and in my heart_. _Making love to her again last November was like taking a breath for the first time in two years_. _Only a few short months ago I was blissfully ready to raise our child together_. _And even now, even after everything, I would give ten years off my life if she could only love me back, if she would only want to be with me even half as much as I still yearn for her every night_.

He can't tell Quinn any of that, which meant the best thing to do is tell Quinn nothing. But it's too late for that now. He knows there's no way out of this, so he apologizes and promises – falsely – to tell her everything now, the whole story – which he will severely downplay, omitting the most crucial parts.

As a form of punishment, he supposes, Quinn gives him exactly one minute to tell her the truth before she leaves him, which is ridiculous because he can't even begin to scratch the surface of the story of him and Robin in a minute's time, nor does he particularly want to do so with Robin right in the next room, potentially able to overhear it all. But, at his waffling, Quinn changes it to only fifty seconds and Barney decides it's even better this way. It will be all the easier to gloss over the cold, hard truth when he's telling the story like an auctioneer on speed.

His plan is to focus on Ted as much as possible and rush over the parts that deal with him and Robin connecting, falling in love, and being unable to keep their hands off each other whenever left alone. For the most part he succeeds. He manages to spend only three seconds actually talking about him and Robin – mentioning only the bad parts and making it seem as if it wasn't a big deal at all when it's been the biggest deal of his life – but he also unintentionally divulges some revealing truths.

"And I said, 'You just know she likes it dirty', _but _Ted really liked her", he lets slip, accidentally confirming the truth he's kept hidden for years, that he wanted Robin for himself from the very start and only deferred to Ted because of his total Ted-ing out that ended up forcing him to sit through the entire Ted/Robin relationship – which he also does his best to belittle in his speech – waiting for _his_ chance to be with her like he wanted from the very beginning.

In addition, Barney blurts out his and Robin's cheating scandal from the fall, the very last thing he should be telling Quinn at a time like this, but Robin wanted him to be honest with Quinn and she could very well be listening. Plus he's already having severe doubts about this whole marriage idea anyway, so maybe it doesn't really matter how Quinn receives the news. And besides, all he reveals is the cheating part, not the part where he begged Robin to take him back but she broke his heart instead, causing him to runaway, wounded, to the first woman who would have him.

His final slipup happens when, in lingering pain and jealousy, he also belittles Robin's relationship with Kevin, referring to him as someone Robin dated "but only for a little while" when her relationship with Kevin was actually longer than his has been with Quinn.

Still, all and all, Barney's rather proud of himself. Nevertheless, Quinn doesn't see it that way and storms out. But he can't bring himself to rush after her. Part of him is annoyed at her attitude. Giving him fifty seconds to explain years of his life – and why is he expected to explaining his life before he even met her? Saying goodbye, she's leaving him, without so much as a discussion. The way he's constantly jumping through hoops for her, first with her stripping and now with this. Then there's the fact that there's an ever larger part of him that knows he doesn't really want to marry her anyway.

And that's the part of him that's still lingering over the look on Robin's face when she said how easy it was for him to delete her.

Standing in the room where he used to spend every night with Robin, Barney is torn over what to do. It's only Marshall's insistence that he go after Quinn and sort this out that gets his feet moving at all. And when he does, it's a worst case scenario that he sees. Barney walks out of the nursery to find Quinn attacking Robin over the two of them and their past, and he closes his eyes in defeat, almost wishing the ground would open up and swallow him. It's so embarrassing because Robin doesn't want him and the two of them both know it quite well, the way that he desperately wanted to get back together and make a life with her – a life and a future she never wanted in the first place – the way that she turned him down with a shake of her head and chose Kevin instead.

He shouldn't have to do this. He shouldn't have to face this all over again, the pathetic one-sidedness of his longing for Robin, but he has to speak up before Quinn makes this any worse. "Look, there is nothing going on between me and Robin," he tells her, and within his tone is the unspoken addition, _can we please not do this here and now_.

But Quinn turns accusingly to Robin anyway, demanding, "And why should I believe that?"

Robin has no idea how this whole thing began other than she strongly suspects Barney's lies just blew up in his face like she warned him they would. Now she has to just stand here as Quinn berates her for secretly wanting Barney, an allegation that hits strikingly close to home. Even as she's about to do what she's about to do, Robin wonders how she keeps getting into these positions where she's forced to save Barney's relationships with other women – first Nora at Punchy's wedding and now this with Quinn. It's not getting any easier or any less painful. But Barney asked her for her help then and now, and she can't deny him. So she tells Quinn about her new serious boyfriend, which may be a bit of an exaggeration but in this case it helps both Quinn, and therefore Barney, as well as herself feel better.

Barney, for his part, is touched by Robin's efforts to help him, but he doesn't want her to have to lie – and his heart refuses to let his mind believe this is anything other than a lie – for the benefit of his relationship. She of all people isn't going to jump through hoops for Quinn. She hasn't done anything to warrant being questioned or attacked; she doesn't have to falsely justify herself at all. But then Robin insists she's _not_ lying and even calls upon Marshall and Lily to corroborate her statement. It's in her reminding of their exhausted-to-the-point-of-stupefaction friends that the whole truth comes out. Robin really does have a boyfriend – and she wants to "spend all day licking his abs". With that knowledge, Barney's world comes to a screeching halt.

But Robin's so busying trying to convince a still doubtful Quinn, she doesn't even notice any odd reaction on Barney's part. Instead, she determines to end this entire far-too-close-for-comfort discussion by summoning Nick in the flesh, because Quinn will surely drop the whole thing when presented with such evidence firsthand.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later at MacLaren's, Robin lifts Nick's shirt and shows Quinn that glorious six pack that makes it okay that Barney's dating – and now engaged to –someone else. She really does feel a bit better now that Nick's here. <em>Just focus on those abs<em>, she keeps telling herself. _Focus_ _on all the pleasure he can bring you that's so much better than the empty, painful nothingness you were feeling before_.

While Robin's giving herself a mental pep talk, Barney's busying fighting an inner battle of his own. Quinn seems to have calmed down and accepted Robin's reasoning but he can hardly spare her a second thought, not when he's watching Robin rub on this guy. Seeing her sigh and drool all over this _Nick_ – and what kind of a dumb name is that? – is not something he will easily forget.

Barney takes in the whole scene with barely concealed disdain, asking himself how many more times he's going to be a fool for this woman. There's been this sad little part of him that, even after everything, held out hope that Robin might care about his engagement, that the idea of him marrying someone else might change her mind and make her reconsider the two of them together again, but here she'd been worshiping Nick and his abs all along. He vaguely wonders how long it's been going on, how much time yet another man has spent living the life he so desperately wants yet can never be his. But then he shakes off the thought, takes a slug of scotch, and tries not to look at all.

He'd only been kidding himself once again. Robin could care less if he went so far as to have sex right in front of her; he even announced he was going to do just that earlier in the evening and got no reaction whatsoever. And why _should_ she care? Nick is like something straight out of Robin's every hockey fantasy. He's just perfect for her – a thought that makes Barney feel all the more sick inside. His reaction is so strong in fact that he has to avert his eyes when Nick leans in to kiss Robin. Despite years' worth of being awesome instead beneath a perfected mask of indifference, with this he is truly struggling to hide how upsetting it is, how envious he feels, how crazy it makes him whenever he sees another man touching Robin, especially when Robin shows any hint of affection back.

When Nick goes to refill their pitcher of beer, Barney makes the mistake of glancing back over at Robin just in time to see her watching Nick leave, coveting every last inch of the view practically in a post-orgasmic haze – and he should know; that look used to be caused by _him_.

Barney scowls petulantly. "You know he has chicken legs? Little…." He falters because even he can hear how pathetically jealous he sounds. "…tiny chicken legs."

Robin barely hears Barney. She's still smiling, still trying to focus on Nick's abs, when Quinn runs off too. Robin doesn't care – though she knows she should – about the prospect of Nick doing belly shots off Quinn. She's far too busy convincing herself that she doesn't need Barney when she's got perfect, chiseled Nick…..And maybe it's nice to have the tables turned. Maybe _Quinn_ can envy _her_ for a while. But it's hard to distract herself from the truth once she's left alone with Barney, particularly when he smiles gratefully and thanks her for her help smoothing things over with his fiancée.

That's when Robin knows she's not fooling anyone, least of all herself. Even with her sexy new boyfriend, the idea of Barney marrying someone else is devastating. She feels like such an idiot because she knows there had been just a small, delusional part of her that hoped Barney might be slightly jealous of Nick, but she can see now that all he cares about is protecting Quinn's feelings.

Even so, she accepts Barney's thanks. What else can she do? But her forced smile fails her because she can't stop hurting over how Barney completely erased her and every last trace of their relationship. It isn't even just that he fell for someone new. He deleted their entire time together like it never even mattered to him, like she meant so little. It just keeps hitting her how very insignificant she is and _ever was_ to him.

The thought is deeply upsetting to Robin, so much so she suddenly feels like crying. It upsets her so much in fact that she finds the words – the truth – spilling from her mouth unchecked before she can stop them. "Although it, ah…." She fidgets, running a hand through her hair and staring into her beer, embarrassed by her own painfully revealing admission. "...kinda sucked seeing how easy it was for you to throw away everything from our relationship."

She can't fight the urge to look up at him then, to gauge for any kind of reaction however small, just any little sign at all that at least it was _slightly_ bittersweet for him to destroy all of their memories. But he just looks back at her, his face a carefully blank slate. So she laughs awkwardly to fill the silence, to downplay the jealousy and pain and all the other feelings he clearly doesn't share. "I….I could never do that," she tells him, and a poignant sadness she didn't mean to reveal leaks clearly into her voice. She takes a deep breath and reaches for her mostly empty drink, hoping in vain to wash away the pain but mainly just looking for something to do with her hands, grasping for a much needed distraction from this awkward tension.

Barney looks over at Robin curiously. Her statements give him pause – first, that she's bothered by the idea of him throwing away all of their memories, and then the surprising admission that she herself could never do that. He wonders for just a moment if it's possible that she….

But then he buries that silly, tenacious, impossible hope that tells him Robin might care after all because every bit of evidence goes against it, no matter how badly he wants it to be so. She didn't blink an eye after he announced he was engaged. She told him she was happy for him. She even tried to help him out with Quinn. And then she proudly showed off her new boyfriend. What he's seeing now isn't any love for him currently. It's just hurt feelings because she wrongly believes she meant so little to him.

That knowledge sets off a debate between heart and mind that lasts for all of two seconds before his heart wins out. Even though she doesn't love or want him, even though she's forever moved on, he still can't just let Robin think he threw the memories of their relationship away like garbage. It reminds him of the day he found her crying at the shooting range months after they broke up. She didn't love him or want him back then either, but it hurt her to think she was only just another number to him, and her pain tore him apart. He couldn't bear to be the cause of that pain then and he still can't bear to watch her hurting now. So, without a word, he reaches into his pocket for his keys.

Taking a deep breath as the full magnitude of what he's doing truly sets in, he detaches that one special key. He's about to reveal to her his most guarded secret. That day years ago at the shooting range, he'd tried to reassure her that she really had meant everything to him, but he got the impression that she still didn't truly believe him. There will be no mistaking it this time. This is like laying his heart out bare for her. It leaves him completely open and vulnerable, but still he has to do it. She deserves to know.

Barney puts the key down on the table beside Robin's hand. "622 West 14th Street," he says. After giving her the address, he immediately gets up to leave. It's too hard. He can't stay to answer question. He can't explain. He just has to let her see for herself.

As he walks away, he tosses his remaining keys, catching them behind his back, wondering what Robin's reaction will be and thinking maybe….just the _tiniest_ maybe. If his engagement didn't faze her at all, then this is it. His last hope for any change of heart, his ultimate Hail Mary pass before the game is lost for good and he's forced to accept defeat.

* * *

><p>After leaving Robin and Nick at MacLaren's a half an hour ago, Barney's been stuck in traffic in the back of a cab for the past twenty of the last thirty minutes. He just got engaged today. He should be anxious to get his fiancée home to celebrate. At the very least they should be talking up a storm, making excited plans for their future. But they aren't and they weren't. They'd spent the entire time just sitting there making halfhearted, idle chitchat until about five minutes ago when Quinn actually fell asleep. He doesn't mind though. Cabs just aren't the same when he's sharing them with anyone else.<p>

He glances down at her and tries to smile, but the truth is things aren't what they should be with Quinn and he knows it. When he decided to propose all he was thinking about was how dissatisfied he was with the endless cycle of nameless women and meaningless sex and how very much he didn't want to have to return to that. Yet he never once thought about the alternative, what the reality of marrying Quinn would actually mean. Now that he has, he knows that whatever he feels for her, it's not enough, and he's already having second and third and fourth thoughts about proposing.

He can't let go of the past. He can't stop remembering what it once felt like when it was so very _right_. Quinn doesn't even come close to that, and he can't help wishing still that it could be Robin asleep on his shoulder right now.

Sighing, Barney gazes out the window and wonders if Robin's found it yet, his secret box of them. She thought he just threw their entire relationship away, but in truth he's kept it all – every last memory of her, of the two of them together. She'll find the original pictures still in their frames from when they once were on display in places of honor throughout his apartment. Those were his favorite pictures, when it was just the two of them being completely real with each other; he wasn't even in his usual pose. Well, maybe those weren't his _absolute_ favorite images of them, but those DVDs are in there too. He'd packed all the Robin keepsakes into one large box just before Quinn moved in, but he always kept the key on his regular key ring so he could look through their things and relive those memories whenever he wanted. The promise of that was the only way he could bring himself to take the items out of his home. He's already been there twice since he rented out the unit.

Even so, he still couldn't bring himself to entirely delete the copies from his laptop. Instead, the day before Quinn moved in, he spent the entire night and into the next morning photoshopping Robin out of the pictures – not just the three he showed her but many, many more. He kept them all on his computer for the two and half years since he dated Robin. There are even some adorable candids of the two of them after they were no longer an item. He can't stand to part with any of them, and by keeping the rest of the picture he can still relive those memories. And he needs that with him – at work, at home, constantly available day or night. He needs the memory of her with him always.

Barney looks out the cab window and imagines the look on Robin's face when she opens up the box and discovers that their relationship had meant something to him; it still means _so much_ to him now, and so does she.

And when he remembers how Robin said that _she_ could never just throw all their memories away either, Barney smiles to know that their relationship truly meant something to her too.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes after Barney left with Quinn, Robin got rid of Nick. She expertly brushed him off under the excuse of it being a long day, because she <em>had<em> to go to Barney's address tonight – right now – and see what's there. After Barney walked away, she'd immediately scooped the key up and hidden it in her purse, but once alone inside the back of the taxi she took it back out and discovered it had numbers written on the tag at the top. For that reason, she suspected early on that it must unlock some kind of storage facility, but when the cab pulls to a stop in front of just that, she feels a little tremor of anticipation at having it confirmed.

Paying the driver and getting out, she walks into the guarded facility – always the best for Barney Stinson – and follows along the rows looking for the proper room. Her heart pounds more and more rapidly as the numbers grow closer, until finally she finds the right unit.

Robin inserts the key inside the lock but pauses before turning it. She has a hope, an imaginary dream she's held onto on the entire ride over, of what Barney might be storing inside this room, but she doesn't dare let herself believe it could ever actually be true. She tells herself that one last time before taking a fortifying breath and lifting the door.

Her eyes immediately alight on the lone, large box in the middle of the room. She walks over to it and stands in front of it, noting that it's not taped but instead has been left open and available for easy viewing, so she does just that. Robin opens up the box and looks inside, and her once racing heart stops and skips a beat in her chest. When she sees it, _all of it_, her mouth forms a helpless, happy smile and her eyes well up with tears. Barney didn't just throw her – _them_ – away. He didn't just forget like they never mattered. He remembers too.

Robin can't believe it, she simply can't believe it. She blinks rapidly, both to clear her vision and to make sure her eyes aren't playing tricks on her. But it's real and it's them – a whole box full of them, because he couldn't bear to throw her away either.

And suddenly she realizes; she just _knows_ in a way she never has until this very moment that Barney really, truly did love her once. He kept a box full of their things all this time, all these _years_. That isn't the action of a man who thinks of her as just another number, or even just an old ex. That's the action of a man whose heart she'd touched, whose heart she still holds a special place in all this time later that won't allow him to part with their meaningful things.

And then it hits Robin with a stunning force: Barney really was serious about them getting back together in November. It wasn't a whim or a passing fancy after a night of sex. It was real. He truly, genuinely wanted to be with her. They could be together right now but _she_ ruined that. _She_ threw that away. What had she done?

She kneels down before the box, looking at the mementos inside, looking at what she'd given up. Reaching inside, she picks up the framed picture on top, the carriage ride. Her head is lying against Barney's shoulder and the way he's smiling down at her is full of such open affection. That's when the tears start because she knows now what she could have had. She realizes now what she said no to. She knows how much he really did love her once. Tilting her head, Robin studies the picture and she remembers.

It was a Saturday afternoon in early September, almost the fall but not quite because the leaves hadn't yet begun to turn – and being a Canadian it _can't_ be considered officially autumn until that first pop of color. It was late in the afternoon, almost evening, and they'd just come back from laser tag and then taking a shower together at his place and changing to go to an early dinner before meeting the rest of the unsuspecting gang at MacLaren's for drinks. They were walking past Central Park on the way to the restaurant when she saw the carriage with a handsome looking horse that reminded her of the one she used to have as a child. She went over to see it closer, and after admiring the horse for a few minutes she finally broke down and asked Barney if he wanted to go for a ride. She more than half expected him to say, no, it was too mushy and clichéd and couple-y, but he just smiled and paid the man, then helped her up into the carriage, climbing up beside her and nestling her close against him, his arm around her shoulder and his hand resting across her knee.

Robin looks at that picture now and she knows they _were _happy once. God, what they had. It was once in a lifetime. She reaches up and grabs the picture with both hands, holding on the way she should have before.

Somewhere out at a train station in Farhampton, Klaus explains to Ted how a person can be almost but not quite enough yet with your lifelong treasure of destiny "it courses through you like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin….". Back in Manhattan, though Robin cannot hear him, she looks through all of Barney's mementos of the two of them together and she knows exactly what Klaus means. Clutching onto the picture, she cries, remembering what once was, wishing for what might have been instead of what now is. And, unbeknownst to Robin, somewhere stuck in traffic not too far away, Barney gazes out a cab window and thinks only of her too.

Looking through tears that are now streaming unchecked down her face, Robin reaches back into the box, examining each item thoroughly. There's the stuffed beaver from the night she sang _The Beaver Song_ with Jessica at the Hoser Hut and Barney clearly was beside himself. There's the Canadian flag she bought him at the airport while waiting for their flight back home after the time he came to Toronto to find her. And there's a yellow legal pad – he always had a fascination with yellow legal pads; she remembers he once wrote a rigged compatibility quiz for her and Ted on just such a notebook. This one is covered with handwriting she instantly recognizes as Barney's. When she reads a little further she discovers what it is, a hand transcribed copy of a conversation they once had that he must have since deleted off his phone. She still was a reporter for _Come On Get Up, New York _back then, and in the early mornings she'd have to leave him and his very cozy bed to go to work, but they would text back and forth while she was on her way to the studio. This one wasn't even a particularly earth-shattering conversation, just their usual banter, but it meant enough to him to keep a hard copy.

And she remembers every one of the photos. All three moments had a story behind them and that must be why he's kept them still in their frames all this time. The bathing suit picture was taken during their secret summer. They went away for the weekend, got a room together for the express purpose of having an entire forty-eight hours where they didn't have to pretend they were "just friends". They spent the whole time sunbathing, relaxing in the rooftop Jacuzzi, and making love over every inch of their hotel suite. She laughs through her tears when she remembers how Barney tried to convince her to get an all over tan but every time she was about to accommodate him, only seconds away from untying her bikini top, people kept joining them, until finally he gave up and just talked her into sneaking back up after hours and doing some skinny-dipping with him that quickly lead into hot, raw, incredibly dirty sex in the public Jacuzzi. It was a little too hot and wild actually. They ended up getting caught by security and being banned from the pool area, but they were leaving in the morning anyway so neither one of them cared.

The last picture, the one of the two of them at dinner, that was taken in Little Italy the night after they first made it official, after Lily locked them in her bedroom together until they finally admitted they really were boyfriend and girlfriend. They'd gone out to dinner to celebrate with wine and pasta and a night dripping in romance. Eating the same spaghetti noodle until they kissed was Barney's idea. He'd seen it in a movie and wanted to go all out and recreate it with her. It was silly, but it did feel warm and sweet and lovely when his lips finally touched hers.

Robin spends the next forty-five minutes setting each object tenderly on the ground around her and sifting through the packing peanuts to find more and more layers of mementos beneath. She goes through every item one by one, handling them with the sort of reverence due to that which is sacred. Then she carefully packs them all back away and closes the box.

She wants to go to him. She actually ponders going to see him tomorrow, giving him back the key and pressing him for details about the things he kept of them and what it all means to him, what its significance is _now_. But then she remembers Quinn will be there. Of course Quinn will be there. They'll likely spend the whole day in bed together; they just got engaged after all. _They just got_ _engaged_. What was she thinking? This box means nothing. It's just nostalgia, that's all. Barney has clearly moved on with Quinn. They were already planning their wedding just a few hours ago. He's been so concerned about not upsetting Quinn that he tried to hide the fact that the two of them ever dated at all. He even asked _her_ to help him protect Quinn by playing along with the cover up.

And, most of all, he gave her his key to this place. All of these memories and mementos of their time together that he's held onto for years, he gave them back to her now because he doesn't need or want them anymore. Placing his key on the worn table top of their booth at MacLaren's wasn't Barney's way of saying 'I want to be with you' or even 'Let me show you how much you mean to me'. It was his way of saying 'You once meant enough to me that I didn't just erase you and throw you away, but I won't be needing these memories anymore because Quinn and I are going to make a lifetime of memories together once we're happily married with all our little blonde, curly haired, blue eyed, suited-up babies'.

It's too late. It really is over now.

But another part of Robin tells her to fight for him. This is her last chance to reveal her feelings to Barney _now_ before he does marry Quinn and it truly is too late, forevermore. Yet Robin silences that thought because what's the point when she already knows what his response will be? It's better this way. This way she doesn't have to live with the memory of hearing Barney tell her that he loves Quinn now and not her, that Quinn is his One, his soul mate. This way she can always still imagine that in another world things would have worked out differently and they could have been together. This way she can at least hold on to the knowledge that she meant something to him once without having him crush her heart by adding 'but you don't anymore'.

* * *

><p>It's one a.m. and, back at her apartment, Robin cannot sleep.<p>

After locking up the storage room, she came back home, opened up a bottle of wine, and had a glass or four after climbing into bed and turning on the TV, but it's still no use. She knows she could text Nick, but even lickable abs can't take the edge off this.

She meant what she said to Barney about how she couldn't do it, just throw all their memories away. Before Barney, she'd never been the type of woman to keep old mementos from ex-boyfriends. She understood the idea behind it, the sentimental value of it, which is why she never wanted any boyfriend of hers keeping such souvenirs from his past – be it decorations around the apartment, or a bag full of panties – but she'd never once had anyone mean enough to her that she found she just couldn't part with their photos and other such tokens of their relationship. But like so many things in her life, Barney changed all that. He came along to be the singular exception to all her rules. She certainly broke this one for him.

Beneath her bed, inside a locked miniature hope chest, the items tell the tale that her heart keeps hidden: she's still in love with Barney. And she's kept it all. The handfuls of pictures of the two of them together – some sweet, some funny, some decidedly naughty. The playbill from the time they went to the theater together – one of the remarkably few times since moving to New York that she'd ever been to a Broadway play – to see _Rock of Ages_, a truly terrible story, but he sang along to all the songs and that made her smile. The lift ticket from their ski trip – because, though they may have fought, in those nights together in their private little ski chalet they certainly did make up. She finally got around to transferring all her Robin Sparkles material over into digital copies, but even though she doesn't own a VCR and therefore can never even watch it, she still keeps the original VHS of her _Sandcastles in the Sand_ video they watched on the first night they slept together. The chest also contains the one stolen memento, Barney's sock from the night they made love last year. She accidentally scooped it up with her clothes. She left so quickly she didn't even bother to put on her coat or scarf, and she only discovered it mixed in with her things on the cab ride back home. But she never told Barney. She kept it instead, folding it up carefully and placing it into the chest the night of their MacLaren's reunion that never was to be.

And her Barney keepsakes aren't limited to the chest alone. She still has all the jewelry he ever bought her carefully stored away, and she has various other items spread here and there throughout the rest of the apartment. Hanging in the back of her closet, sealed in an airtight garment bag, is the white dressing gown with the purple flowers that she was wearing on the morning she and Barney first defined their relationship. She retired it after that for sentimental reasons; she bought it expressly to wear for Barney and it's never been worn for another man since.

Sitting up in bed, Robin leans over and opens up her nightstand drawer, lifting up the drawer liner she cut down to size but purposefully never glued in place. Reaching underneath it, she retrieves the small scrap of paper from that very same special morning that she keeps tucked beneath. Holding it gently in her hand, her fingers trace along Barney's handwritten words – 'Boyfriend & Girlfriend' – and her eyes fill with tears all over again. Because she knows this new reality isn't temporary. Barney and Quinn are never going to just breakup. He's going to marry her. This is for real. This is happening. Quinn is going to be Barney's _wife_. When Robin wakes up tomorrow it won't be all just a dream, no matter how much she wishes it could be. Instead, it will be the first day of the rest of her life forever without him.

* * *

><p>It's one a.m. and Barney cannot sleep.<p>

When he finally got back to his apartment – which alone is telling that he still considers it 'his' and not 'theirs' – he woke Quinn up, she got ready for bed, begged off from sex because she was "too tired" – though she failed to notice that he didn't care and had never even tried anything in the first place – and then promptly fell back asleep.

But sleep evaded Barney. He tossed and turned for awhile before finally giving up, which is how he finds himself now, out in the darkened living room drinking scotch alone and staring at his fist, contemplating the object inside.

Before tip-toeing out of the bedroom so as not to wake Quinn – because he really does just want to be alone – he first snuck in to retrieve it from the inner pocket of the jacket in the very back of his suit room, the one place he knows Quinn would never look.

He thinks about it with his hand still closed, keeping the object hidden, as he pours himself another glass. He thinks about it. He thinks about Robin too, and it doesn't even take the necessary three scotches, as she'd once teased him, before he can no longer deny the truth.

Barney opens up his palm to stare at the spare key cradled inside. And because he knows – he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt – that no one and nothing else can compare, he stands up and walks over to the kitchen counter, grabbing his key ring and hooking the spare key to the storage room alongside the others.

No matter what, he's still going to carry her around with him always. Even if he does marry Quinn, he's still keeping that box, still keeping that room, still keeping this key with him at all times so he can visit those memories of Robin anytime he needs to.

He's not yet ready to let her go. He never will be.


	26. 802

**The Prenup**

* * *

><p>The summer came and went surprisingly quickly for Barney. He's never allowed himself to admit it since, but there was a part of him that desperately hoped giving Robin the key to the storage unit might change things, might make <em>Robin<em> change her mind about the two of them. He waited anxiously for the next time he'd see her, wondering what she was thinking and how she would react, but she never said anything. She never even mentioned it once. He assumed she must have gone there. He knew Robin's curiosity well and there was no way she would have been able to stop herself from going and looking just to see what it was. But if in his wildest dreams he expected her to be moved at least a little by it, once again his wildest dreams let him down.

After that, Barney did his best to put it behind him and move on, be awesome instead and all that. Robin seemed to be happy with Nick, so he just had to learn to be happy with Quinn too and close that door on Robin forever, symbolically anyway. She'd already been the one to slam the door in his face and lock it; there was no getting in anyhow. So he went all in with Quinn because what else could he do? And if while she was busying making weddings plan he still found his eyes straying to Robin whenever given half the chance, he just dismissed it. There was no point in dwelling or even allowing himself to truthfully face the vast differences in what might have been, what now was, and what he still wanted instead.

And so the summer passed in just that manner until it's suddenly the first week of October and, like a fairly typical day at work, Barney is sitting in the GNB conference room with Arthur. He wouldn't in a million years want to live Arthur's troubles and the bitter divorce he's gone through. Still, when Arthur first mentions getting a prenup Barney scoffs at the idea for him and Quinn. If that's what's in the cards and he's going to end up alone anyway then what's the point of even doing this? He refuses to consider that option. But the more he hears from Arthur, the more that becomes impossible to do. Arthur's ex-wife took his house, his car, his beloved dog. But, worst of all, the poor man got _full custody_ of their kids. That's what really starts Barney panicking.

"She cut everything good out of my life!" Arthur laments, and it's seeing firsthand what happens when marriage ends badly that gets Barney to agree that a prenup is definitely in order. After all, what does he know about Quinn, really, other than her history as a conniving stripper and the dubious circumstances under which their relationship began? None of it is particularly encouraging. Arthur's right; he needs a prenup, and in that prenup Barney puts everything he can possibly think of to make their potential marriage into something more palatable to him, including weekly weigh-ins and legally mandated breast enhancements. And, though the inclusion was accidental, he really likes the addition of the multiple wives provision.

All the while, as he fights with Quinn over signing the document, Barney keeps pushing down that niggling feeling in the back of his mind that tells him this is obviously insane. No woman in her right mind would agree to these terms – and he wouldn't want the one who did. Something's clearly not right here, but he simply tries his best to ignore those certain ugly truths and convince himself that this is perfectly reasonable behavior.

* * *

><p>The summer passed quickly, if not exactly painlessly, for Robin too. She first ran into Nick again, her former crush, shortly after the helicopter incident. Nick, along with most of the rest of New York, watched it happening live and almost immediately recognized her as his Crush Girl. He delighted in finally putting a name to her face and even watched her full press junket on TV, from meeting the mayor to her episode of Letterman. It was through that appearance on Letterman that Nick found out Robin was still single – she later told him the truth about her fake engagement – and the rest, as they say, is history.<p>

Admittedly, it all began under less than ideal circumstances. She was lonely. Even in 2012, she still felt the stigma of being a single, unattached woman at her age. But the truest reason of all for why she began seeing Nick was because Barney was seeing someone else too. Forced to watch him with another woman, Robin desperately needed something or someone to make her feel better about herself, to distract her from everything that was happening with Barney, and to simply take the pain away….or at least numb it a little. It didn't escape her that she'd done the same exact thing with Kevin – to disastrous results – only a few months before, but a person can't exactly care about originality or even learning from their past mistakes when they just want the suffering to end.

That went double when she found out Barney was engaged. She got scared back in November and couldn't find the courage to break up with Kevin and take a chance on Barney instead, but when she softly shook her head she never meant it as a firm 'no'. She simply meant it as 'not now'. There was, and had long been, a part of her that always hoped they could find their way back together someday, that always suspected and even assumed when all was said and done – when she was stronger and wiser and more ready – it would come down to the two of them together, once and for all. Barney proposing to another woman brought it sharply into focus just how very wrong she had been. It was devastating to find out that 'someday' was never going to be. As a result, she clung to Nick all the more because there was no other choice really. It was better than crying her eyes out every night alone. So that's how things went: all summer long, Quinn planned her wedding to a blissfully happy Barney, and all summer long Robin stayed with Nick. And she tried her very hardest not to see the two situations as connected.

They'd only been out a couple of times back when Robin called upon Nick to prove he was as real and as ripped as she described, but by now they've been together for months, and if there's one thing Nick accomplished for her during those summer months it was helping her get her groove back. Okay, Nick wasn't solely responsible for that. Mostly it was finally achieving her long sought after career success that brought her confidence back, but being with Nick allowed it to fully blossom. When they first started dating, she'd only just begun to feel good about who she was again, but being with a guy like Nick who's so obviously attractive, having him for a boyfriend who thinks _she's_ hot, that was an automatic self-esteem builder right there. It felt good to be desired again and, she'll admit it, to get some again – from an actual guy, and one who looked the way Nick does.

That's what she'd expected going into it, a largely sexual affair. That had always been the draw with Crush Guy, a purely sexual attraction – well, that and imagining all the things he _could_ be since she didn't know any of the things he actually was. But once Barney got engaged, Robin tried her hardest to make it into something more. Over the summer, however, she discovered that Nick really wasn't any of the things she'd imagined….No, that's not exactly it. Sure, he's not how she pictured him, but that's not really the problem. It's not about what Nick is or isn't. It's about how she _doesn't_ feel with him. It's about coming to the realization that maybe "the perfect guy" – because most women would love a hot, sensitive, sweet guy like Nick – still isn't perfect for _her_, that someone can fill all the right attributes on paper but still not strike that spark and connection.

Of course Robin can't allow herself to face or admit any of that. She just continues to shove it down and going on as if all is well. Even when the sex began to wane and become as boring as the rest of the relationship, she simply found little aids to help things out. The whole WWN fetish began accidently more than a month ago. One night they were watching the news and Nick started things. She wasn't particularly into it but he was, so she just decided to subscribe to the notion of lying there and letting him have at it and maybe she'd end up getting some pleasure out of it. While he was getting busy, she happened to glance up at the TV. Seeing herself at the news desk, with the famous World Wide News logo emblazed behind her, looking so attractive and professional and successful was a killer confidence booster and therefore a turn on. It made her feel strong, independent, self-assured, and sexy as hell. She was woman, hear her roar! There was nothing she couldn't do. Robin watched herself at the news desk all the way through and it was the best sex she'd had in months.

So she kept watching herself ever since, but then Nick caught on. After that it became tricky. She could tell he was miffed about her lack of attention but luckily he never really said much of anything – until all this business with Barney's prenup planted ideas in his head. That man is constantly finding new ways to upset her world, even when he doesn't mean to. And now, because of Barney's prenup wars, she and Nick are fighting nonstop themselves.

She may not be the most emotionally healthy woman but she's not completely out of touch with what constitutes a normal relationship. She knows deep down that something is wrong in theirs if she has to watch herself on the news every time just to enjoy their sex life. They haven't even been dating that long; things like that shouldn't be necessary. What's more, the fact that her secret, guilty turn-on isn't erotica or some hot guy or even another woman but is watching _herself_ read the news speaks volumes. It's a flashing neon sign of problems because what she's really doing is completely excluding Nick – or anyone else – from their intimacy. She isn't looking at or thinking about him, or the two of them, or anything even remotely romantic when they're having sex. Instead, she's entirely focused on her own self. It's her way of getting sexual pleasure from Nick in the same way she might from her vibrator, without connecting with him on any kind of an emotional level or any level at all beyond the purely physical sensation he provides. Maybe it is messed up – _really_ messed up – but it's gotten her through the past months and she's not about to let go of it now.

* * *

><p>Later that week, after the women all gang up on Barney and come up with their own counter prenup for Quinn, Robin takes a kind of sick pleasure in being the one to carry it into GNB and present it to him with a smug expression. Yes, it's weird bringing the legal document that specifies the conditions under which her ex – who she still can't stop dreaming about at night and longing for during the day – marries another woman, but she's a bit peeved at him and his prenup war for how it's forced her out of her denial and threatened the pretty little house of cards she's spent the summer building. But mostly it's just good for Barney to learn that he can't treat women – and certainly not his future wife – this way.<p>

But any thoughts of teaching Barney a constructive lesson go flying out the window when the rest of the guys show up and everything degenerates into a shouting match between couples. Through the yelling, Robin vaguely hears Arthur command them all to be quiet and chastise them because this is no way to work out their problems. He's right. She knows he's right. They all do. Obviously everyone was _not_ as happy in coupledom over the summer as they seemed or they wouldn't all be having these blowups right now. The screaming matches they're all embroiled in now are just the culmination of all the unhappiness building beneath the surface all summer long.

Arthur calls upon them all in turn, and while Robin's waiting through Marshall and Lily and Ted and Victoria, her mind goes wandering over what she's going to say when Arthur gets to her and Nick. An inner voice tells her – it has been telling her for weeks – that she's not happy with Nick, that things aren't right between them at all. The relationship began for reasons less than love or even attraction, and it hasn't been what she expected ever since. They have problems on a personal level, and for at least the past month the sex hasn't even been any good. The old Robin would have dumped Nick long ago. Even this new Robin, who hates being single, would have broken up with him months ago. _If_ Barney wasn't getting married. That's the elephant in the room she just can't bring herself to face. Because Barney _is_ getting married. He's sitting next to his fiancée right now, and that's the long and the short of it. So she tells that inner voice to be quiet. Her relationship with Nick is important to her. She needs it right now more than ever.

But when it is their turn, Robin says nothing. She really doesn't have a specific complaint, at least not one she's willing to voice. 'Our relationship is in trouble because you're just not Barney' certainly doesn't qualify. That's why she simply stays quiet and waits for Nick to speak first. The things he says – he finds her so sexy and it hurts him that she doesn't feel the same way – touch her heart and bring her to a moment of stark self-reflection. Nick is much more upset and far more invested in the whole relationship than she could ever be. The truth is their relationship is incredibly one-sided….just like it was with Kevin. Yet again, she's keeping a boyfriend around as a consolation prize while Barney is seriously involved with someone else. But this time he's more than _just_ involved. This time it's the end. He's made his forever choice. It doesn't matter what she still feels for him or what every other relationship lacks in comparison. She _has_ to move on, that's all there is to it. And Nick is so sweet. He just wants to love her, and she does so desperately want and need to be loved. How can there be anything truly wrong then in taking the love he's offering?

So Robin admits the fetish she's developed, and Nick is actually surprisingly into it. He grabs her, more than ready for a little TV sex, and she runs out with him into the night. This is good, she thinks. He accepts her as she is, even this weirdness, and so it's good. She can keep using the TV as an aid and they can have decent sex again. It's wonderful, really it is.

But on the cab ride back to her place, Nick holds her close and kisses her neck – and Robin finds herself looking over his shoulder, her attention on the buildings passing by. That pesky inner voice starts up again, telling her that if this was Barney she'd be all over him right now. A year ago, it _had_ been Barney in the back of a cab with her this way and she _was_ all over him. She was so lost in him they could have wound up having sex in the backseat of the cab or right out on the street in front of his building. She was too far gone to care, certainly too far gone to ever consider stopping. If she was dating Barney right now there would be no need for TV Robin's winking to stimulate her during sex. Barney himself was more than stimulation enough. Not that he would mind. He'd probably love it; it would be like a Robin on Robin threeway. But the point is she wouldn't need that just to get interested in sex in the first place, just to enjoy it at all. She should simply want her boyfriend, her inner voice insists. He, alone, should be enough. She shouldn't want to push him out and exclude him this way so that it's all about _her_, feeling confident and sexy and getting satisfaction any way she can until Nick is reduced to nothing more than just the tool for her pleasure, until she's using him like nothing more than a living sex toy.

But Robin tells the voice to shut up once and for all. Barney's back at GNB making up with his soon-to-be wife. She needs to just get all thoughts of Barney out of her mind. She's here with _Nick_, and that's okay. It's fantastic, dammit. It _has_ to be.

* * *

><p>A half an hour ago, Barney delighted in hearing there were problems in Robin's relationship with Nick, particularly that their sex life was lackluster and that Robin apparently wasn't turned on by him. For a moment or two, Barney even dared to entertain the thought that they might actually break up, but then Robin revealed her fetish for watching herself on the news while having sex. It's a fetish he could certainly handle, but if <em>he<em> was Robin's lover again he knows it wouldn't take anything more than each other to get her off; amazing sex had never been their problem. Nick, however, isn't a fool and was instantly fine with it. Instead of a breakup, Barney was forced to watch them run off to have sex like they simply couldn't wait. Worse still, Arthur watched them too and proclaimed, "Look at that! No legal documents needed. Just honesty and vulnerability. That's love." His words cinched it. Robin's was lost to him forever. She didn't love him. She loved Nick. Even Arthur could see it. It made Barney sick inside, but most of all it made him try again with Quinn. It made him close his eyes, sigh, and reach for Quinn's hand.

It's why they're still here now, the two of them alone together after everyone else has left, standing outside the GNB conference room ready to throw away their dueling prenups. But it doesn't take long before the pleasing words and pretend smiles swiftly melt away and the truth begins to seep out. Quinn reminds him she still sees him as the womanizing jerk she always said he was, and Barney finds himself _finally_ calling her out on what he's held inside for seven months, never once forgetting: the fact that Quinn duped him out of thousands of dollars and he still suspects her of being a gold-digger underneath it all. There's been something dark and ugly between them, bubbling and brewing under the surface for a long, long time now. It's just been festering and growing with time, this animosity he feels towards her and he knows she feels towards him too. Their prenup war has finally brought it all to a head. It seems like all they ever do now is fight. At night, forced to share the same bed due to their cohabitation, they don't speak, don't touch, and won't even look at each other. It's getting more and more difficult to ignore the fact that they seem to only just be tolerating the other's presence. But, instead of admitting it, they just lodge hostile accusations at one another and bitterly trudge off to add to the list of things they want to change about their relationship and legally require of each other.

As Barney sits at the conference table preparing more pages, he fully understands what his reality is in the same way he understood that he was no basketball legend, that the postmaster general didn't have the same handwriting as his mother, that Bob Barker was never really his father and neither was Sam, and that the men who paraded in and out of his mother's life weren't just 'old family friends'. But just like with all of the other disagreeable truths in his life that are far easier and more pleasant to ignore rather than face – there's only been one he had to harshly and devastatingly face, and he still considers her his best friend – he reverts back to the same place of hazy denial that Quinn first found him in.

Yet the truth is staring him in the face with each increasingly insulting and mean-spirited addendum he feverishly adds to the prenup. He was already having doubts about their engagement just minutes after proposing, and those doubts only continued to grow the longer they stayed together and the more they moved towards actual marriage. The fact is, a person doesn't just wake up one morning and come up with hundreds of things they hate about their prospective mate. It was always there all along. From day one, their relationship was manipulative and destructive. It didn't get any better over time. They just got better at hiding it, better at fooling themselves. But the blunt reality is that they lie to each other, they keep secrets from each other, there are a million ways they don't and never will truly know each other because they don't open up to each other, nor do they want to. Their entire relationship has always had a passive-aggressive tone to it, full of striking out at one another and then retaliating by hitting back even harder. Quinn refused to quit her job, so Barney took off for Atlantic City without so much as a phone call; Barney didn't call Quinn, so Quinn ruined his apartment. Barney had phone sex with Klaus's sister, so Quinn wanted belly shots from Robin's boyfriend. It's not by any means healthy behavior. They were even fighting all the way up to the proposal and almost broke up that very night.

Barney stands next to Quinn, the prenup – now almost as tall as they are – sitting on the table between them, and Arthur's words echo through his mind. "_Who has the most power? That's not love_."

"It should be simpler than this," Quinn says, and Barney knows – he already knew from the very beginning – that of course it should be. She asks him then if he trusts her, and he starts to play it off but then he realizes the time for games has passed. Now it's time to be _real_, to be honest, to stop this before it gets any more out of hand.

He'd implied earlier that he needed a prenup because he needed to protect himself from her financially, but of all the things he's added to his prenup very few of them are about actually guarding his assets. The bulk of the legal stipulations are much more personal – and almost all sexually based. The weigh-ins to guarantee she keeps her figure, the boob jobs to prevent sagging, it's all about making sure Quinn stays attractive….because that's the only thing about her that appeals to him. The phone sex with Klaus's sister, his proposed polygamy provision, the morning lap dances, and the stripper pajama orgies, they're all aimed at keeping him interested sexually because that has always been the very basis for their relationship. Without that, they are just two people who barely even _like_ each other.

Barney stares straight ahead as he's rocked by the full breadth of that acknowledgement. And once he's allowed his mind to accept that truth, all the others come flooding out too. From the very start, he's been trying to force this relationship and force a connection between the two of them that never was and never will be there. It's _never_ been right with Quinn, and he doesn't want to marry her. The prenup is only a symptom of that underlying condition that has been there all along. It's not truly the cause of the breakup he knows is happening right now. They just never trusted each other, or truly respected each other, or ever really loved each other.

He sits down heavily, knowing that it's over but also knowing that it's for the best. They couldn't go on this way. They certainly shouldn't get married. You can't just force something to fit that never will and he's known that since February; he just couldn't bring himself to face it until now. This whole relationship has been a diversion, a distraction, nothing more than a waste of time. As much as he needed – and still needs – a distraction from losing the thing he loved most, he knows now that even though he can never have Robin, he still doesn't want this.

And that's when the second realization sinks in: deep down, he was doing this on purpose. He didn't want to have to tell Quinn the harsh truth of what their relationship had really been – he'd already lived through that once with Nora and it was horrible – yet he also didn't want her as his wife. He's not an idiot or a fool, and despite what most people think he's not a completely thoughtless jerk either. All of the over-the-top, insulting things he put into the prenup were part of a subconscious effort to get _Quinn_ to break up with _him_. He knew he couldn't go through with marrying her but he was hoping she would just end things on her own so he wouldn't have to. Let her think he was a monster; it might have at least spared her the pain that Nora endured, or that he did, knowing that your lover simply prefers someone else to you. In the end, it's a mutual breakup instead but, importantly, the result is the same.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon, Quinn comes back one last time from wherever she spent the night before and they go through all the formalities, including packing up the few things she did have at Barney's apartment and returning his ring, which he promptly resells, planning to put the money into some womanizing scheme, or maybe he'll go on vacation – or just pay off the gang's longstanding bar tab. There's enough money to do all three, though he ends up shelving the second option and just going to MacLaren's instead.<p>

He runs into Ted and Marshall there and tells them about his breakup with Quinn but assures them that he's fine. And even twenty-four hours out, with the newness worn off and his empty apartment once again a reality, Barney knows it's true. He calls it all a learning experience to show him that he'll never trust someone enough to get married….at least not any of the options left available to him. But he actually isn't heartbroken over Quinn, not even a little bit – and that has nothing to do with trust issues. He just wasn't truly in love with her. That's why he's been able to survive a broken engagement with hardly an emotional scratch.

Shortly thereafter, once Barney starts talking up what his new foray into womanizing will be in great detail, Ted goes home to Victoria, but Marshall stays behind.

"Don't you have to get back upstairs to help Lily?" Barney asks. "I'm pretty sure her shift with Marvin was up like twenty minutes ago, bro."

"Nah," Marshall shrugs. "I texted her. She told me to go ahead and hang out a while longer."

Barney looks away, fiddling with the edge of the napkin his scotch is resting on. "You don't have to stay and babysit me. I really am fine."

"I know," Marshall answers. "But that's not why I stayed." It's now Marshall's turn to worry his beer bottle as he cobbles together the proper words. He's the master of 'lawyered' after all; surely he can bring Barney around to the truth. "Look, I know Barney Stinson is back and your single life is going to be legendary and all that. To tell you the truth, sometimes I do miss all the lecherism. But you could still direct it all at one woman. Barney, you shouldn't give up on marriage altogether just because things didn't work out with Quinn. I know that's not what you really want."

"Maybe," Barney admits, washing the painfully vulnerable feeling away with a generous slug of scotch. "But maybe that's what's meant for me."

"If you believe this thing with Quinn proved you can't have that life, I think you're wrong. I've seen you change so much in the past year and a half. I've seen you grow up. I've watched you become a stable, committed boyfriend to not one but two incredibly different women. I know you don't want to be silly, womanizing Barney forever, but I also know what you had with Quinn wasn't the real deal. I thought maybe at first it could be – 'cause you know me; I always wanna believe – but I was wrong. I know I've been busy with a new baby, but I saw enough over the summer to figure out that it just wasn't there with you two. If things had really been right with Quinn then you wouldn't have wanted a prenup or ever felt like you needed one in the first place – and you really wouldn't have put such terrible things into it. Because when you're with the One, that one right woman for you, you _know_ it, and you don't worry about all those little things. You don't try to control and change each other, and you don't go into it planning on getting divorced. You just _love_ her. You just want to be with her. And that's enough."

Barney stares down into his scotch and he knows that Marshall is right. He knows exactly what he means because he had that once. It's what he tried to get back again almost a year ago now.

"Just….just seeing her and hearing her voice makes everything perfect," Marshall continues. Barney's sure he doesn't at all suspect that he's describing word-for-word everything he once had with Robin – and breaking his heart all over again in the process. "And the thought of spending _one night_ without her, let alone the rest of your life, is just too much to even _think_ about. You didn't have that with Quinn or it wouldn't be so easy to say goodbye." Barney nods because he knows it's true. Marshall's only confirmed what he already realized on his own. "But when it is truly right, you'll know. You'll know that feeling and you'll _never_ be able to forget it or let it go."

It's those words that hit closest to home, that force him to make a quick, shoddy excuse just to get out of there before he falls apart. Because Marshall's right, he can't forget. He never can forget, and he certainly can never let her go.

Outside, Barney hops into a cab and gives the driver the address he long ago memorized. Marshall hit a nerve about everything. He hit every last point dead on – that whatever he had going with Quinn it was not what it should be and it was never even close to enough; that once upon a time he did have something right but he lost it; that now, no matter what, he can't forget, and if Robin hadn't started dating Nick and stayed with him all summer long then he would have broken things off with Quinn much sooner.

Once the street numbers reach 622, the cab stops and Barney gets out and grabs for his keys, easily following that well-known path to the right room and letting himself inside – only this time he closes the door behind him to preserve at least a little dignity through the inevitable breakdown he knows is coming. Then he kneels beside the box and opens it up.

The first thing he notices is that things inside are in a different order than he remembered leaving them. For a moment he feels a telltale intuition that there's something important about this, something that he shouldn't just dismiss, but he shakes it off, telling himself he simply didn't remember properly. He's been here enough times over the summer to get confused, and the last time he was here – two weeks ago, after having a particularly harsh fight with Quinn – he wasn't exactly thinking clearly when he packed the box back up.

So Barney does dismiss it and focuses instead on his mementos of Robin. All he can think of as he rifles through the memories is how desperately he wants this back again, what they had in these pictures, what he thought they could have had last fall.

He sorts through all of the items in the now-customary ritual, and it brings to mind something else that Arthur said the day before. "_I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it every day."_

As he clutches the picture of their carriage ride, feeling the very unawesome tears start to fall from his eyes, Barney wishes more than anything that back when he had half a chance he would have said it too.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, after pulling himself together and locking up the room, Barney only has one destination in mind. He knows now with a terrible clarity that his whole relationship with Quinn was a lie, and no matter how much he wants it he'll <em>never<em> have commitment and marriage because the only woman he'll ever love, who could ever make him happy, doesn't love him back, but he can never stop loving her. _Why can't he just stop loving her_? She doesn't want him and she never will, so why can't he just _please_ stop wanting her? It's only fair. To Barney's tortured mind, all of this painful, haunting, mocking knowledge is best handled on the tide of four scotches, so he heads straight back to the bar.

It's by pure coincidence that Robin happens in two hours later, just after midnight. She'd been working late at World Wide News on a breaking story and needed a nightcap to wind her down. She didn't expect to find Barney alone – his suit coat strewn across the booth next to him, his tie missing, and his shirtsleeves messily rolled up – and clearly drunk off his ass. Still, she approaches him as he sits there staring straight ahead, nursing what appears to be his fourth scotch – and that's just based on the empty glasses that have yet to be cleared away.

She slides into the booth across from him and it only takes one look at his face to know something is seriously wrong. "Barney? What happened?"

Barney blinks at her several times without answering, not fully trusting his eyes that she's real.

"Barney, what's wrong? Tell me."

It's the very real concern in her voice that finally penetrates through to his brain. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm awesome."

Robin shakes her head. "Don't lie to me. What's going on?" Then a horrible thought occurs to her and she can hardly get the words out her heart aches so much for him at just the possibility. "Did something happen to your mom?" she asks barely above a whisper. Then her empathy turns to angry at the idea of him suffering here all by himself. "Why are you here alone? Why isn't Quinn with you? Where is she?" she asks, a sharpness in her voice.

"I don't know," Barney shrugs offhandedly. But, at the next part, he watches Robin's face as intently as someone as drunk as he is can. "We broke up."

"What?" It's the last thing she expected him to say.

"We realized if we needed a prenup that complicated then we just weren't right for each other, so we broke up."

Robin is silent a moment before reaching out and touching his fingers tentatively. Then her entire hand covers his on the tabletop. After only a second of contact, Barney flips his hand palm up, gently grasping hers, and her simple act of comfort suddenly turns into hand-holding.

She looks across at him and through the surge of a dozen conflicting emotions she feels such a sense of sadness for him. Even though she hates the very fact of it, Barney loved Quinn so much he was even going to _marry_ her, so Robin knows he must be deeply upset over losing her. Barney must be hurting desperately, in fact, if someone as private and emotionally reserved as he is rushing to openly take solace with her now. "I'm sorry," she tells him, and for his sake she means it. Above all else, she really did want him to be happy.

Barney can hear the earnestness in her voice. He can see the regret in her eyes, and he knows she truly means it. She truly is sorry that things between him and Quinn didn't work out – which brings _his_ sorrow to an even greater height because it further proves she doesn't have any feelings left for him at all. "So am I," he answers. He knows she'll assume those are just the words of a grieving fiancé, but what he also knows – and she doesn't – is that all of his mourning is limited exclusively to _her_ lack of reaction, yet again.

The minutes tick by but Robin continues to sit there with him through another scotch – he's lost track of what number this one is – just talking with him about anything and nothing, whatever he wants. Barney doesn't have enough pride left at the moment to count her sympathy as anything other than pleasing; it's garnered her attention and got her there spending the evening with him, something he can only view as a plus. But then she gets a text and he can tell from the look on her face that it's from Nick.

"What does it say?" Barney asks. He knows he's being noisy and maybe even borderline rude, but he's too drunk to care.

Robin exits the screen, putting her phone away quickly into her purse, and it's obvious to Barney she doesn't want him to see the message. "Nick's waiting for me," she answers evasively. "We were supposed to meet up."

Barney finishes off the last of his drink in a single gulp. "Go. It's okay."

She hesitates, her eyes drifting from her purse back to Barney. "Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"I'm fine. Go meet your boyfriend."

Robin studies him carefully and then shakes her head no. There is no way she's going to leave him here sad, alone, and as wasted as she's ever seen him – especially when he's just ordered another drink. "No," she says. "I'm not leaving. Not until I know you're safe."

"I'm not some drunken twenty-two year old girl, easily taken advantage of by – well, guys like me."

"Still. I'm not leaving you alone," she insists. They lapse into silence, during which his new drink comes. She watches him take another long sip before stopping him, reaching for his hand again. "Barney, why don't we both go?"

He opens his mouth to protest, but she has such a soft look on her face that he relents and allows himself to be pulled up from the booth.

"Here," she says, wrapping her arm around him to support him.

It reminds him of last year and the night he got slapped, the night they slept together…..which brings on a whole new wave of depressed nostalgia for what his life could have been but now never will be.

"I'm not leaving till I make sure you're alright," she tells him as she's helping him up the stairs.

He looks at her, his expression amused. "Are you gonna see me home, Robin?" he asks affecting a down-home accent, going all 1950s on her like they just stole a kiss behind the soda fountain.

She rolls her eyes but can't help laughing. "I'm going to get you into a cab, I know that."

Barney turns to Robin, her arm still around him helping to hold him up just like that night a year ago. "We could _share_ a cab," he suggests, his mind rife with images of the last time the two of them shared a cab and ended up sharing a whole lot more.

Robin knows that seeing him all the way into his apartment really would be the safest way to guarantee that he's alright, but this is all too similar to another night she remembers well, though she's sure it's the farthest thing from his mind. Nevertheless, she doesn't trust herself in a cab with Barney, not when he's vulnerable, drunk, and not at all thinking straight, yet oh so tempting in his disarray – and now completely unattached with no one back at his apartment….no one to stop them.

And that's all the more reason to send him there alone. "Go home, Barney," she says, helping him into the backseat. "You'll feel better in the morning." She gives the driver his address herself and pays him to take Barney there and _only_ there, just so he doesn't cheat and end up at a strip club or someplace even less savory. Then, with one last encouraging smile, she shuts the door and steps back up onto the sidewalk.

Watching the cab drive away, Robin can't help thinking how his breakup with Quinn changes everything – and nothing, her more practical, discouraging side tells her. Principally, this new turn of events makes her feel confused but so utterly _relieved_.

And beneath it all, there's an underlying pure happiness at Barney's newly single status that she hates herself for feeling.


	27. 803

**Nannies**

* * *

><p><em>Oh these roads steer me wrong, but I still drive them all night long<em>….

_- B. Mars_

* * *

><p>When Barney comes bursting through the door of MacLaren's, t-shirt gun in hand, Robin is a little stunned. She hadn't seen this coming, though in retrospect she knows she really should have. Ever since his breakup with Quinn, Barney has seemed fine, like he's back to his old self – which is both comforting and not. Most of all, it's tempting.<p>

Robin may not be a relationship expert but she can still recognize that just because it didn't work out between Barney and Quinn that doesn't, and _can't_, undermine the seriousness of their relationship and what he shared with her. Nevertheless, ever since she found out about the breakup, Robin's thoughts keep drifting back to Barney, flat-out refusing to stop going there, and she finds it necessary to tell herself on a daily basis that he needs time to get over his broken engagement. And now it looks like Barney could use some reminding himself.

Robin's thoughts are interrupted when Ted unfurls the t-shirt Barney blasted their way. "Bangtoberfest: This time it's _really_ not personal," he reads aloud.

Barney grins at the inscription because it's so very apt. His womanizing _is_ completely devoid of the personal. It's always been about shallow, trivial, detached sex with whatever reasonably hot female he can find. None of those women ever had a hope of meaning anything to him, and that's truer now than ever before. Like it or not, he's fully aware of what this is. But he's Barney Stinson and this is just what he does.

But Robin shakes her head at the shirt, not finding it amusing but just the opposite; she's genuinely worried for him. This is no way to cope and he should know that by now. "Barney, you just went through some really big emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal."

If anything proves she doesn't understand his situation at all, that statement certainly does. Barney looks down at Robin and he can see that she still doesn't realize what Ted and Marshall fairly easily accepted: he had a clean breakup with Quinn, he truly isn't upset over her, and he hasn't missed her once. The only 'healing' he needs is from all the inconvenient and impossible to deal with truths that he's been forced to once again vividly face in the aftermath of the distraction Quinn provided. "Robin, I spent seven grand on merch," he tells her, holding up a water bottle, hat, and alternate black t-shirt all emblazoned with the logo to commemorate the occasion. "This is happening."

Yet, even if he has absolutely no intentions of changing his plans or doing anything other than losing himself in the new distraction that is Bangtoberfest, Barney still appreciates the sweetness behind her concern, so he softly places the hat on her head, patting it fondly into place even though the positioning is all wrong and the bill completely blocks her eyes. It's probably better that she doesn't see his regression anyway.

Following her brief interaction with Barney, after he took off to do God only knows what, Robin finds herself needing to tell Lily how great things are between her and Nick and how much they're really clicking as a couple. She takes it so far that she actually offers to joint-babysit. Maybe there is a not-entirely-deluded part of her that recognizes she's overcompensating for the thought of Barney at the back of the bar hitting on some dumb blonde right now, but Robin just suppresses it.

But then Ted calls her out on "protesting too much". It's an allegation that's shockingly accurate. Regardless of Barney and what he's doing, Robin continues to grow increasingly unhappy with Nick with each day that passes – although the whole Barney's now single thing certainly isn't helping. She's been putting up a facade, trying to sugarcoat and downplay their problems and shortcomings to everyone, most of all herself. When that facade is challenged, she feels compelled to build it up all the more, which soon results in an ongoing competition between her and Ted over whose relationship is more serious. It's silly and petty, she knows. And, to make matters worse, so far she's losing. But it does take her mind off Barney. There's at least that.

* * *

><p>The following evening, Barney joins Ted, Lily, and Robin at their usual booth, glumly sliding into the empty spot next to Ted and declaring, "Bangtoberfest is a flop."<p>

Barney keeps up the front by telling them all that he simply can't settle on a line that will properly honor his return to the game, but not even all that deep down he knows it's more than that. Sleeping around is what he's always done, so of course he'd fall back on that after he found himself single again, but the disagreeable fact is that he's disinterested in the idea of it and even more disenchanted with the practice of it. Truth be told, everything about it seems so _old_ and just…..no longer enough. That's the real reason he keeps stopping his successful plays before they reach completion – what up.

So when Lily mentions her babysitting woes, Barney latches onto the Nanny Play because at least it's something different that he's never tried before. It's something to do that feels somewhat fresh and new and not like the same sad thing he's done for years. He fills his apartment with toys, comes up with a fantastic way to kill off the 'baby's' mother, and even throws in the use of Kevin's pick-up line, the I-find-you-so-attractive-we-can't-continue-our-professional-relationship-but-I-have-no-problem-banging-you-on-the-side line, just for a touch of irony. And, hey, Robin loved the guy more than him, so maybe it'll work.

But he knows all the while that, although the lines might be a little different, the game is exactly the same, and he's so very tired of playing. Even as he's having sex with these women, he hates himself for it. He wants to stop….but why? Womanizing is second nature to him. Marshall's right; he's proven that he _can_ be a faithful, committed boyfriend, but sleeping around is what he always goes back to in-between when there's no reason not to. Now, with no relationship and no prospects, what _is_ there to stop him? And what would that leave him with if he did? Absolutely nothing. Just alone and depressed, with an empty apartment and not even the promise of a comely figure to help him warm the cool sheets of his bed.

Which brings him to the other main reason he keeps this up – Barney Stinson never has been, nor ever will be, celibate. He may have gotten a late start at it but once he dove in to diving into women, he discovered sex is _fun_, and he craves it even more than most men. He's got a strong sex drive and all the good looks and charm he needs to feed it. He's not about to give that up. Sleeping around with beautiful, gullible, and so very willing women is a whole lot better than being miserable and lonely at home. Even sex of the meaningless variety is better than no sex at all.

So he just keeps plugging away – pun definitely intended – with no clue that it's all about to come crumbling down around him.

* * *

><p>Robin's relationship rivalry with Ted comes to a head that Sunday afternoon when she, Nick, and Ted are all sitting at MacLaren's watching the game and Nick becomes distraught over a bad play. Robin jumps into the role of consoling him that has become sadly familiar to her by now. Honestly, sometimes she feels like she's dealing with overly-hormonal Pregnant Lily again. Even so, she can hardly believe what she's hearing when Nick snaps at her for that too. "Robin, I don't want you to fix this. I just want to feel heard."<p>

When did her life become a bad episode of _Doctor Phil_?

When Nick gets up to use the restroom, kissing her on the forehead as if he's going to be away for several months rather than just five minutes, Robin's so annoyed with him she's more than happy to see him go. She's been trying to watch the game in peace and his often irritating presence makes that almost impossible. Yet, when she realizes how glad she is to be rid of him – and sees Ted realizing it too – she jumps up to fake a passion she doesn't feel in a kiss that's meant to prove something to both Ted and herself.

However, once they're left alone, it immediately becomes clear that she's fooled neither one of them. "Overcompensating a bit?" Ted mocks.

Robin hurries to proclaim the needlessness of that. "I am _deliriously_ happy in my _perfect_ relationship," she assures him, but her words are so exaggerated they clearly prove he's right. Ted catches on too and smugly counters that there's no way she's happy with a guy as touchy and oversensitive as Nick. It hits a nerve. How could it not? But she forges on anyway, not yet ready to admit defeat. "I – I really appreciate how sensitive and in-touch he is with his – " She cuts herself off, closing her eyes and sighing heavily, because Ted's right about Nick. Of course he's right about Nick; anyone can see that. "God, who am I kidding?" she laments, slumping down onto the barstool and grabbing her beer.

Things with Nick are nothing like she imagined they would be when she first reencountered him in the spring. In fact, the relationship is so fraught with problems that she's miserable almost all of the time whenever she's with him. She just thought Nick would be so different. He _looks_ like he'd be different. When she first met him, back when she was still unhappily dating Ted, Nick – then Ugly Shirt Guy a.k.a. Crush Guy – represented "the other", some sort of ideal of every teenage fantasy she ever had of the kind of guy she thought she'd want to be with. In her mind, Nick was this tough, rugged, alpha male type, the kind who might play hockey or at least football, the kind who was a cop or a Mountie or some other heroic, manly career. She had no idea he'd be this needy, overemotional wuss. He even out-Tedded Ted.

She turned a blind eye for a long while and did her best to put up with it, but in the past week she's lost all capacity for self-delusion where Nick is concerned. She wants out and she knows it…and maybe she knows _why_ too. Though she won't bring herself to admit it, she knows the sordid reason she didn't dump Nick long ago the way she always would have. But it's the same reason she can't break up with him now, the very moment Barney is single again, because that would mean facing the fact that the _only_ reason she dated Nick at all for the past five months is because Barney was seriously involved with someone else. She's not ready to own up to that yet – she doesn't know if she ever will be – so she goes on in denial because that at least is something she's mastered.

But by the next day the facade is crumbling again. Last night was the final straw, when she killed a spider in her apartment and Nick began weeping openly over the cruelty of its death. Nothing about Nick appeals to Robin, and she's more than ready to be done with him. Her mind is almost entirely made up to dump him tonight, but then Barney hobbles into MacLaren's, derailing all her thoughts.

He's disheveled and dirty, his shirt untucked and his face beaten and bruised. Bruises are something she ordinarily finds irresistibly sexy, but right now that's the last thing on her mind. She's too intensely concerned at seeing him hurt this way. Forgetting everything she promised herself about burying her feelings and giving him time and space, she immediately reaches out to him.

Barney knows he's hit an all-time low. He came to in an alley, with all of his defenses down, smashed to smithereens beneath the heeled boots of the nannies he'd jilted. He wandered the streets to MacLaren's feeling utterly lost and broken and directionless. So when he sees Robin reaching out to him, it's like a safe harbor in a stormy, violent sea. And, god, he needs this. He needs _her_. When she shows even the slightest sign of welcoming, he instantly reaches for her too.

Their eyes meet and the last of his barriers falls, his face melting into an expression of pure sadness and need. He looks into her eyes and in that second he almost breaks down. He almost tells her everything – how tired he is of the womanizing, how much he still loves her, how there's nothing in life he wants more than to be with her again – but the moment is fleeting, here and gone before anyone notices. Ted speaks, asking him what happened, and it breaks the spell.

Ted may have stolen the words from her mouth before she could find them again, but it doesn't stop Robin from taking Barney's arm and gently pulling him in close to her. Her other hand comes to rest tenderly against his back, her eyes full of heartrending concern. He starts to explain and, even as she has the presence of mind to know she shouldn't still be touching him, she can't resist and at least keeps the comforting hand on his back steady in place.

Despite his wounds, both physical and emotional, Barney heaves a little sigh because Robin's arms around him feel like heaven, cutting through even the haze of his own self-hatred, and he revels in her nearness and her touch.

While he tells his story, Robin listens intently, keeping her hands to herself, but all she wants to do is touch him. She hesitates, tentatively reaching back up, and she has to keep stopping herself, telling herself she doesn't have the right. But the urge to comfort and pet and soothe him is nearly overpowering. When he confesses to having woken up in a dumpster, she finally allows herself to gently pick a piece of debris from his jaw. And when he speaks of the pacifier abuse he withstood, she tenderly places her hand on his lower back again; she just can't help herself.

"What is wrong with me?" Barney asks in desperation.

Robin sighs softly. "You're still getting over Quinn." As much as it hurts her to say it out loud, she does want to help him in any way she can, and part of helping him is making him admit that he loved Quinn and suppressing that now won't do him any good at all.

Barney has no reaction whatsoever to Robin's statement because he knows it isn't true, but then she continues.

"You can't just dive right back into Single Barney mode," she tells him, her voice soft and caring.

Those words jolt a response out of him because Robin is exactly right about _that_. He's perfectly fine with the loss of Quinn. It's the drive toward nameless, promiscuous sex that bothers him – the return to Single Barney. It has nothing to do with Quinn. It's just the lifestyle that he's sick of, that he doesn't want to return to.

Barney turns to Robin suddenly, all of his honesty directed at her. "But I can't stop myself. I'm out of control." It's literally a cry for help.

He doesn't _want_ to sleep around anymore, but he can't stop himself when there's nothing to stop for. Womanizing is as unfulfilling now as it was when he first reached for Quinn back in February, hoping to throw himself into _any_ serious relationship, even a forced one, as a remedy to the endless void of nothing but pain and emptiness. But all he discovered is that there is no alternative. This is what he's doomed to. He tried for something more; he sincerely tried. But in the course of less than one year, he's struck out with three women and three serious relationships. His father was right. The secret to successfully settling down _is_ all about the right woman, but he's already met her and she doesn't want or love him back. Therefore no other relationship he tries at is ever going to work. That's what went wrong with both Nora and Quinn. That's why even though he longs for more than this empty womanizing, he simply can't have it. Yes, he wants commitment and marriage rather than dumb bimbos and meaningless sex. There's no point in denying it anymore; look at him, he's a mess. But he _has_ nothing else and no hope of anything else, ever. Nothing to stop him, nothing to please him other than sleeping around with anyone who's willing.

Maybe that's not so wrong. Maybe that's not so bad…..And maybe he's isn't through with denial just yet, after all. "No, I'm not," he insists to Ted. "I'm fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, that blonde at the bar looks as loose as my rear molars."

Robin's face scrunches up in sympathy and she starts to reach for him again, has to fight that urge again.

"Stop me!" Barney begs Robin, and he means it. She's the only one who can. But she doesn't love him and that's not her fault. He can't put that on her. "Don't stop me. I'm fine." But an inadvertent "Help!" slips out anyway before he shoves it back down. "Being single's great!"

Robin wants more than anything to pull him back to her but she reluctantly lets him go, watching him limp off to the bar. When she finally manages to tear her troubled eyes off of Barney, she and Ted sit there in silence, each contemplating their failed love lives. Robin knows Barney's just using sleeping around as a distraction, but it's one that he's miserable with. He's so clearly unhappy about being single again, and that resonates with her because she doesn't want to go back to the single life either. She doesn't want to suffer what Barney's suffering now. Her relationship with Nick isn't anything even close to great, and lately it seems like she's only just tolerating him most of the time, but that's still better than being single and alone.

Unfortunately, shamefully even, there's another factor to consider too. She keeps telling Barney over and over again that he isn't over Quinn, that he needs time to heal before diving back into the world of sex and romance, but as much as she's hoping it sinks in for Barney, she's also praying it will get through to her heart as well. It's become her way to remind herself, _Hold your horses, Robin. Stop it. Stop wanting him. He's not even over his ex, who he loved dearly and almost married – and you just remember that! _

Look what just happened now, the easiness with which she slid into comfortable intimacy with Barney – touching him, pulling him close, fawning all over him – the helplessness with which she was drawn to him, and that's while she still has a supposedly serious boyfriend. Her attraction to Barney is dangerous. She can't let herself slide down that slippery slope again. It's tempting enough just having Barney single now. They can't _both_ be unattached, lonely, and vulnerable. She won't be able to stop herself.

Now more than ever she needs to cling to this relationship with Nick – just like she did with Don, Scooby, Kevin, and almost with Ted – so she can stave off her feelings for Barney and keep herself from doing something stupid with him again.

* * *

><p>Robin goes home that night and discovers that Nick has let himself into her apartment with the key she gave him while trying to one-up Ted. The lights are turned down low and there's soft, sexy music emanating from her bedroom, which is where she finds him, stripped down to his boxers, waiting for her. The TV is on mute, the DVR paused and ready on her earlier broadcast, the covers on the bed already pulled back.<p>

"Um…" Robin stands there frozen like a moose in the headlights, which she knows he must find odd. He's her boyfriend after all, and she gave him a key. She should be into this, she really should, but all she can think of is Barney. She thinks about the look on his face – so open and unguarded and full of a thousand unexpressed emotions – when he met her eyes for just that one second. She thinks about the way it felt to have her arms around him even so very briefly. She thinks about the surge of tenderness and protection that rushed through her at just the sight of him hurt, and how she yearned to wrap herself around him and kiss it all away.

Robin knows what she felt. She doesn't like it, but tonight it's too hard to ignore it. Right now in this moment, with the feelings still so fresh, she can't lie to herself. Seeing Barney that way got to her. It broke past her defenses. She knows it was love that she still felt, pure and utter love. And, tonight, she just can't bring herself to have sex with another man – one she knows she _doesn't_ love.

"I – I didn't expect to see you tonight," she finally stammers. "Nick, I'm sorry, but I…." She thinks fast, bringing her hand up to her temple and feigning pain. "I have a terrible migraine. Yeah, just ever since I left work."

"Oh, sweetheart, okay." Nick shuts the music off. "Sit down and we'll talk all about it. Tell me everything you feel. Just get it all out."

She blinks at him. "That, or I think I probably just need a good night's sleep."

"Okay, then." Nick settles down onto the bed, grabbing the remote and preparing to watch some TV instead.

"In quiet and darkness." Robin clears her throat awkwardly. "And, um, maybe just….alone," she clarifies.

His face falls and she watches for the telltale sign of his eyes tearing up. "Oh, well, I'd planned a romantic evening for us, but – "

"Nick, you're upset. Don't be upset. Please don't cry."

"No, I'll be alright," he answers, attempting to pull himself together.

"I really didn't know," she offers lamely.

"It's okay," he sighs. "You didn't plan to have a headache."

At that her conscious does prick, but certainly not as bad as if she had slept with him while another man was on her mind.

"I just want to know you understand what it meant to me."

Robin nods. "I understand….your feelings. Thank you." She attempts a smile but she's afraid it actually comes out more as a grimace.

"I should probably get back to my apartment anyway. I've got some new recipes I'm experimenting with. I could go over that tonight." Nick looks at her pointedly. "Besides, I didn't have a change of clothes for the morning anyway. It's hard to fit enough in when I've just got the _one drawer_ here."

He's been after her for weeks now about moving in together but she always changes the subject. Now she just smiles as sweetly as she can manage while he redresses. Then she politely nudges him out of the apartment.

Closing it behind him, she leans against the door and sighs. That was uncomfortable to say the lest, but Robin knows that as easy as it would have been to fall back on, the solution to either of their problems – hers or Barney's – won't be found in someone's bed. She just hopes Barney comes to realize that too.

* * *

><p>Barney has no idea what he's going to do. The meaningless sex isn't working, not even a little bit. It's always worked at least a little bit. Now it only makes him feel sick and hollow inside.<p>

The womanizing isn't bringing him pleasure anymore so it just doesn't make sense to sink down into it any further, but yet he also knows himself well enough to realize that without any reason to stop he simply won't say no to the possibility of easy sex. That's why he hires Marvin's one-time nanny to babysit _him_ instead and stop him from repeating those same mistakes.

But even that blows up in his face when she comes on to him, which is how he's here right now, lying in bed with a woman old enough to be his grandmother. He's disgusted with himself. Is this really what he's been brought to? Sleeping with women he's not even vaguely attracted to? And not even to win a challenge either.

He doesn't want this. He doesn't want any of this anymore. But when she suggests they go again, he does it anyway because at least it's a way to fill his emptiness, to feel _something_ other than pain, to forget and detour his focus for a little while. He has to try something, right? And, sadly, he can see no alternative to this.


	28. 804

**Who Wants to Be a Godparent?**

* * *

><p>It's a sunny Saturday afternoon in mid-October and Ted, Robin, and Barney are waiting at MacLaren's, filled with excitement, because this is the first day in five months where they get to hang out with both Lily <em>and<em> Marshall, and for more than just a few minutes here and there but an entire day of the whole gang back together again.

When the new parents finally come through the door, Barney erupts from his chair and hugs them both fiercely, declaring, "Mama! Dada!" That's just what they've become to him, and to the group as a whole, not just a moral compass but also a source of emotional guidance, because somehow Marshall and Lily managed to master at a very young age the tempestuous world of feelings and passion and love that the rest of them are still struggling with, so far very unsuccessfully.

Barney, in particular, has urgently needed their support and direction in these past few weeks. He's been going through so much confusion and upheaval since his breakup with Quinn, though ironically none of it actually has to do with her. There was a time that he cared about her, yes, but he never felt for her what a man ought to feel towards her future wife or even girlfriend for that matter, so he can't really morn a relationship he knows he never should have started in the first place – especially when, by the end, things had deteriorated to a point where they could hardly be around one another without wanting to rip each other's head off. But, in the aftermath of all that, he's been forced to return to a lifestyle he hates, compelled to contemplate a future of being alone for the rest of his life, and on top of that he's has had no choice but to face all the feelings for Robin – all the absolute, utter yearning for her – that never has and never will go away. And, sadly, he's been left to deal with it entirely on his own, without Marshall's wisdom and Lily's sensitive, maternal guidance. Moreover, their untimely desertion has also managed to kick in the abandonment issues that still lurk beneath the surface with Barney, even after repairing his relationship with his father.

Robin, too, could very much do with Lily and Marshall's help and, as such, she's tremendously happy to see them. There's so much she has to talk about. The past month especially has been a whirlwind of confusion and turmoil and conflicted emotions. The problems with Nick aren't going away. No matter what she tries, it's getting worse by the day. And, if she's brutally honest with herself, the truth is she wants out. Yet she's torn and doesn't know if she should break up with him or not. She's reluctant to be single again. Nick's better than nothing, isn't he? Then there's the whole Barney situation that she's tried to forget but can't. Things are hopeless there and she needs to get that through her head. But she fears if she's single again it's just going to make it that much harder for her to be around him. She desperately needs a girlfriend's advice, and maybe even Marshall's unbiased male opinion too.

Take the latest incident with Nick, for example. In an effort to jump start her waning-to-the-point-of-nonexistence interest in Nick, she'd tried to spice things up. Nick was finally going to take her out for a ride on the bike he'd been bragging about all the time, and she was looking forward to potentially reinvigorating their relationship – or, to be blunt, at least the one night – with a little motorcycle fantasy. She followed him out of the bar and one look at the bike already had her hot. She climbed on thinking, _Yeah, I could definitely be into this. Mama like_. Straddling the bike and leaning forward, just thinking about all the vibrations there would soon be beneath her was almost enough on its own. Almost, but then…..It wasn't even Nick's bike. His is a sad little red thing that's eco friendly and runs on corn. The whole experience left her even more disinterested and almost disgusted with him, really. He cries when she kills bugs, he hems her pants, he's super emotional over the most ridiculous things and then she's left having to comfort him. She's all for strong, independent woman, but this is carrying things too far. She's the manliest person in this relationship and that's not what she wants at all. She wants – at this point, she so badly _needs_ – someone to make her feel like a woman, feminine and sexy and completely under his spell. But none of that is an 8 or higher, at least not in Marshall and Lily's world, so Robin says nothing.

With those pleasantries out of the way, less than five minutes after the couple arrived, they announce they're leaving again. The remaining three express their indignation – "I cleared my whole night for you guys. I didn't even bring my booty call phone," Barney protests – but Lily and Marshall will not be moved and straightaway leave them there.

Just moments after their exit, the tune of "Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin' everywhere" – his new ringtone that he later informs Robin is _Ms. New Booty_ by someone called Bubba Sparxxx, yes, with triple 'x's – begins playing from Barney's pocket. The insult of Marshall and Lily's actions is immediately forgotten and he begins rocking his neck in time to the music.

Robin knows she should be appalled, but it is as it's always been with Barney and, instead, she's helplessly amused by him. Her heart just rolls over and bears its underbelly, like one of her old dogs begging to be petted. Barney is rascally and wayward and incorrigible and ….absolutely adorable.

Barney turns to Robin then and their eyes meet. She shakes her head at him but she's smiling all the while and it broadens his grin. "Yeah, like I would leave this at home."

And her smile, the eye contact she doesn't break, starts butterflies in his stomach and a sudden rush of heat to his groin that makes him primed and ready for whatever booty call is on the other end of the line.

* * *

><p>The next night, Marshall and Lily ask the gang to meet them at the bar again, this time to discuss something important. They're stoic and serious as they tell their friends about their close call crossing the street and how they suddenly realized the pressing need to find Marvin a godparent and proper guardian should anything ever happen to them.<p>

Barney and Robin try to take it seriously, but it's hard when they're just rediscovering each other. The barriers they both built up between them over the past ten months have steadily and increasingly evaporated in the last two weeks. Nick's the final holdout, and he's a negligible one at that. Meanwhile, it just feels too good being best friends again to take anything that seriously.

"Relatively speaking, New York is very safe," Marshall soberly informs them.

Robin's eyebrows shoot up at the very same time that Barney says, "Please." He lists off various ways to die in the city, capping his assertion by declaring that New York is a "coroner's paradise".

Robin jumps in seamlessly, maintaining, "They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong." She continues her – or, rather, _their_ – argument on the morbid subject, but inside she feels anything but. It's so wonderful to be on the same wavelength again, joking together and being completely comfortable with each other, just like old times. Barney's even turned towards her again, facing her with all of his attention so focused on her in that way that she loves. They were already sitting closer together than even Marshall and Lily, and now Barney's elbow is resting on the back of the booth, his arm nearly brushing her shoulder as he leans slightly into her.

Feeling happy and alive and experiencing more of a rush just sitting next to Barney than she does actually having sex with Nick, Robin grabs a piece of snack mix and props her elbow up on the table, unmistakably leaning into Barney. With him tilting into her too, it puts them mere inches apart, a position they're both more than happy with, and they jointly turn to Marshall and Lily with matching smiles, awaiting their rebuttal.

But it's Ted who ends up shifting the discussion by alleging that, as Marshall and Lily's "best friend", _he_ should be the one to raise Marvin in the event of their death. Parental thoughts where the furthest thing from either Barney's or Robin's mind up until that moment, but Ted's words turn it from a matter of simply wanting to raise a child – something that _Ted_ keenly wants to do – into a competition over who among them is the best – something that _Barney_ _and_ _Robin_ would naturally want to be involved in.

With the stakes thus raised, things turn highly competitive. Before Barney has a chance to jump in himself, Robin makes an underwear on the flagpole joke about Marvin's dire future should Ted be the one who raises him.

Barney's face twists into a smirk of amusement. This is why he loves her. Not just because she's beautiful and unbelievably hot, but she's so clever and they're both so alike, so in-tune, that she could have stolen those words right from his mouth.

Still smiling, Barney promises Marshall, "I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could." He argues in his own favor without once besmirching Robin's abilities. He would never do that, and he wouldn't want custody over her anyway. If anything, they could help raise the child together. It would be a joint effort of awesome, making Marvin the most legendary kid ever.

Thinking the exact same thing, Robin looks over at the couple with a smirk of her own, but they refuse to take sides.

It's a stance they maintain over the next week, and things quickly turn into an all out battle. More than anything, what Ted, Robin, and Barney are really doing is competing for Marshall and Lily's attention in increasingly desperate and over-the-top ways, from ever larger teddy bears to perverted nursery rhymes. But Lily and Marshall continue to refuse to make a decision about Marvin's godparent – or to show any of them the slightest interest, even simply to the point of what would be polite.

It's soon the weekend once again, and Robin and Ted are chit-chatting over beers at MacLaren's when Robin's phone rings. She looks at the ID and sees it's Barney and her lips immediately form a smile.

"Hey, Father Goose," she answers teasingly. "Are you ready to admit defeat yet and that _I_ would make the best guardian for Marvin?"

"A life-size Teddy is impressive," Barney concedes with an equally mischievous tone, "but you can't beat my rhymes, Robin."

"_The Boobs on the Bus_ is, admittedly, cute. But it's hardly locked in the win, has it?"

"Maybe not yet, but I've found something that will," he confidently boasts. "I'll be there in two minutes."

"Wait. How do you know where I am?"

"Please," she hears in reply, and then the click of the phone hanging up.

True to his word, a couple minutes later Barney comes walking into the bar. His eyes lock on Robin as he makes his way toward their booth, the air between them full of playful challenge.

Robin wonders how on earth Barney plans to bribe Marshall and Lily with a stroller when they already have one, something which she readily points out to him, but he counters by assuring her that this is no ordinary stroller but instead a "broller".

And, okay, so maybe he's slipping. Maybe his desperation and dissatisfaction are showing when he's resorted to sleeping with women he doesn't even find attractive and now simply looking at boobs rather than bothering – or, to be perfectly honest with himself, _wanting_ – to do anything more. But, right now, demonstrating the broller provides him with a way to do something he _does_ want.

Barney beckons Robin to look inside the broller and see the difference. When she starts to get up, he bites his lip in anticipation, and his eagerness has nothing to do with his chances at becoming Marvin's godfather and everything to do with the woman standing before him.

Robin bends down and sifts through the blankets. First, Barney looks down her shirt himself because she's right there in the flesh, fortuitously wearing a gaping V-neck sweater, and he honestly can't help himself.

Robin continues to look through the baby blankets, confused. "I don't get it. I don't see anything."

"Yeah, but Papa does," Barney tells her, a hint of open lust spilling into his tone.

He turns on the screen and glances down to the close-up view and it's like a walk down memory lane…...squeezing, licking, sucking, and motorboating those bad boys to his heart's content – which pretty much meant at every given opportunity.

"Are those Robin's boobies?" Ted asks.

Barney still hasn't taken his eyes off the screen, but Ted's question captures Robin's attention. When she realizes what Barney's doing, she gasps in surprise and her hand automatically goes to her chest. She straightens up, her hand on her hip, and she knows she should give him at least a gentle scolding, but maybe she's a shame to her gender because really all she feels is a pleased. A telltale flush of pleasure heats her skin at the thought that Barney still wants to look down her sweater, that he still thinks of her sexually. The idea that maybe he still wants her sends a little thrill of excitement through her.

Barney proceeds to explain to Robin how the broller works, but as proud as he is of his invention he's also still preoccupied by the recent view. Not satisfied with one look alone, his eyes drift back down to Robin's chest and he tilts up the broller, hoping for another glimpse of heaven.

But Robin still has some pride left, so when he lifts the stroller to aim the camera at her breasts again, she pushes it back down on the ground.

Before either one of them can react further, however, Marshall comes into the bar and announces that he and Lily want them all upstairs to settle this thing once and for all – game show style.

Barney is ready and willing to play along. The idea is just silly and crazy and ridiculous enough to appeal to him, and he isn't a fan of settling things in a traditional way anyhow. Plus he's never been one to turn down a challenge, literal or metaphorical. Robin too has that same competitive edge, which is why he knows she's fine with it also. He can't say the same thing for Ted.

"Why don't you just put us in a three-way cagematch and just go with whoever's left standing?" Ted bitterly complains.

Barney wants to tell him to lighten up, but then Lily replies that they'd already thought about that and they agreed it would give Robin an unfair advantage. Barney glances over at Robin just in time to see her touching her finger to her nose and nodding, meaning Lily's statement is on the nose and absolutely right. It's a gesture that she's unwittingly picked up from him over the years, and he smiles inwardly even as he easily nods his agreement – because, let's be honest, Robin would kick all their asses in any kind of fight, cage or otherwise.

So they all settle on playing the _Who Wants to Be a Godparent_ game instead, and their various scenarios for how they would raise Marvin are actually quite revealing. In Barney's imagination, he sees his Marvin suited-up and living in a bedroom with fighter planes and his inspirational posters lining the walls. It's a world where he recycles old pick-up lines into parental advice and where forcing a child to wear a cheap, reversible belt is punishment enough. More than anything else it's a reflection of his own inner psyche and experiences and actually highlights what an inappropriate father he'd make – well, that and the dirty nursery rhymes. But cool Uncle Barney, that's another story.

Robin's parenting styling differs from Barney's, but it's no less dysfunctional and certainly an equal reflection of her own inner struggles. In her mind, she sees her Marvin with hockey skates in his room, curling up in a Canadian flag chair in the corner. Her approach to discipline is the only way she knows….exactly like her father's. It's harsh and brutally honest – in her father's words "tough love" – but it reads more like abuse. Somewhere along the way, her explanation of how she would reprimand Marvin turns into a recount of her own abuse at her father's hand, how she was forced to shave off her hair and burn all her pretty, girlish clothing in an oil drum in their backyard while her dad stood and looked on, laughing at her all the while. She had never before told anyone about that and she hadn't meant to now; it just slipped out on its own. Reliving it this way sends her spiraling out of control into a very real anxiety attack. Imaginary Robin doubles over, gasping for breath, until the emotional shock of it brings her back to reality, where she actually stands clutching Marvin's high chair, her eyes filled with tears and her face red.

Barney watches her all the while with concern. He wants to say something to comfort her but it's a touchy subject for Robin, one he already royally messed up only last year, so he just keeps a careful eye on her to make sure she's alright. But when Marshall gives her an automatic win on the question because it's a safe space and they all love her, Barney leads the cheer of "Robin matters!" with his fist held high in the air.

The gesture touches Robin's heart, especially when she recalls Barney's words of apology during the hurricane and how he proclaimed her dad a complete idiot for not wanting to call her every day when a single day without talking to her, in _his_ mind, is just no good. And suddenly she feels much better. She smiles gratefully over at Barney even as Ted argues that she shouldn't get more than one point for that pity win. Robin just ignores him and focuses on Barney, and she's now able to dry her eyes and carry on.

When the topic turns to sex, Barney displays how outrageously inappropriate he still is by suggesting he would simply take thirteen-year-old Marvin to Amsterdam for all the sexual awakening he needs. Despite his wildly improper answer, Robin can't help laughing when Barney mocks Ted's rebuttal, informing him that, "I'm sorry but you need to have actually had sex in order to explain it." Of course when it's her turn she's not exactly politically correct either, using flirtation and blatant male ego stroking to try to get her way. All in all, Robin supposes she and Barney would both be pretty messed up parents, but it still doesn't stop her from wanting the win.

Barney looks on as Robin shamelessly flirts with Marshall, calling him "Big Guy" and alluding to how she and Lily compared Marshall's junk to the wares at a cucumber stand. Though he knows it's all a part of her competitive strategy he still feels irrationally jealous listening to Robin say that to another man. But at the same time he's a little turned on simply hearing her talk that way at all.

It's the irrational jealousy that makes him protest when Marshall awards Robin the win on that question, but soon they're back on the same page again, both using their imaginary Marvin scenarios to mock Ted – first Robin by saying that she'd be so proud of her Marvin when his first word was to call Ted a 'nerd', and then Barney by suggesting that with Ted's Marvin the child would have to be the one to comfort a weeping Ted after he's left by yet another woman.

In the end, Ted brings the fun and games to a screeching halt by suggesting that since he's been Marshall and Lily's friend longer he should be their automatic choice. His allegation sends all three of them into bickering back and forth until Marshall silences them with the slam that, "Obviously none of you knows what it means to be a parent."

And, with that, Barney can't take it anymore. He gets what this is, all three of them competing this way, so desperate for even just a tiny bit of Marshall and Lily's attention that they're willing to dance like puppets on a string for their amusement. Well, now he's tired of performing. Sure, he's got abandonment issues and he's probably destined to spend the rest of his life miserable and alone, but that still doesn't mean he has to keep fighting tooth and nail for just a little scrap of time from two people who clearly can't be bothered to care. "Obviously neither of you knows what it means to be a friend anymore," he scoffs, catching Robin's gaze for a moment as he walks away into the kitchen.

Robin can see the hurt in Barney's eyes and she feels it too. They all used to be so close. Lily was her very best girlfriend, the one she once could have easily turned to for advice about this thing with Nick – and maybe one night, if she was drunk and desperate enough, about the whole Barney situation too – but now neither Lily nor Marshall cares at all about what's going on in their lives. And it's about more than just Nick, or even Barney. Robin doesn't like to think about it often….or at all….but it still surprises and hurts her a little that not even once since that day in February has Lily ever spoken to her about her infertility and how it makes her feel, including since Lily gave birth to a son – something _she_ can never do, even though there was a time not so long ago when she thought that would be part of her near future. At the very least, it seems like Lily should have understood that, all things considered, this custody talk is a sensitive issue for her, but obviously she hasn't.

Marshall makes the situation even clearer by declaring that they don't have time for "silly little dating problems" and that Marvin isn't just the most important thing in their lives, which they all would have readily understood, but that he's "the _only_ important thing".

Or, in other words, none of them matter at all anymore.

Barney registers the insult with a look of outrage. Robin's expression is just plain hurt. Lily doesn't say a word, but Robin takes her silence as tacit agreement. Ted's right; it truly is the end of an era.

With that, Robin waits for Barney to reach the doorway and they both leave together.

* * *

><p>Downstairs at MacLaren's licking their wounds, Ted's goes to get them all drinks and Barney and Robin are left alone together sharing the same side of the booth.<p>

Robin sighs heavily and her voice is quiet and small when she finally speaks. "So, no more Marshall and Lily."

"They abandoned us, just like everyone else does," Barney resentfully affirms. But then his tone turns solemn and morose as he laments, "I'm going to end up alone."

"No, you're not," she tells him softly. "We'll always have each other."

Barney looks over at her hopefully. "Will we?"

"Of course," Robin smiles lovingly. "I'm not gonna dump you for a baby."

His lips form into a half smile as he looks into her eyes and promises, "I wouldn't dump you either."

"Not even for some slutty-looking 10 at the bar?"

Barney pretends to consider it, but when Robin narrows her eyes at him playfully he laughs. "Even a 10 that can't accept our friendship is only like a two at most. It's not even a choice. Bros before hos, remember?"

Robin grins and gently presses her shoulder to his in an affectionate little nudge. "Ted would dump us both for a baby."

"Or for 'the One'," he adds, to which she nods sagely. Barney turns in the booth then until he's completely facing Robin, his eyes intent on hers. "The two of us, we'll just have to stick together then."

She holds his eyes and something warm and tender passes between them that speaks of the connection they've always had, that they always _will_ have. "Yeah, we will".

Ted comes back at that moment but if he senses that he's interrupting something he doesn't let on. He merely plunks down drinks in front of them without a word and the table grows mostly quiet for several long minutes until Ted eventually asks Robin if she really does know how to bow hunt.

Marshall and Lily come downstairs too at that moment and announce that they've come to a decision. Barney and Robin exchange a look and with it a silent reaffirmation of their avowal to always be there for each other, no matter what. But rather than choose a guardian for Marvin, Lily tells them all that they're revoking the 8 or higher rule and instead promising to be better friends to them from now on.

Robin watches Barney hug Marshall, and she smiles. This is good for him, she thinks, to see that not everyone leaves…..Maybe it's good for her to know too.

After that, everyone's happy again, drinking, eating, and laughing while the rest of the gang fills Lily and Marshall in on all that they've missed. But rather than say what's really on her mind, Robin simply makes light of the Nick situation by pointing out that at least they're getting a lot of miles to the cob on his eco-friendly bike. When it gets to be Barney's turn, he too keeps quiet about his loneliness and depression and his hopeless love for the one woman he can never have and instead talks all about his recent bad habit of settling for sex with woman he isn't even attracted to. That's at least something important and not a total copout, right?

"You know, I should have told you about that 6 ½ sooner," he confides. "Barney Stinson banging anything less than an 8? That's like a 15."

Robin crinkles her nose, but she's smiling despite herself. That's just what he does to her. Always has, always will.

Barney goes around the table receiving high fives from everyone else but he doesn't even expect one from Robin.

"Alright, alright," she smiles, raising her hand in the air.

He turns to her and his face lights up with happiness. Things are so awesome between them again. They're back to their old selves, back to being bros, sitting close, having fun, laughing and playing together. It's very nearly perfect. "Nice!" he exclaims, giving her the biggest grin as he moves to slap her five.

But while it may feel like an old school evening of three or four years ago, the fact is that it's not. Everything has changed. Marshall and Lily have a little baby sleeping upstairs, and while Barney and Robin can go back to being bros they never again can be _just_ bros. There's an extra connection between them now that neither one can imagine away. They both feel that spark and that love still there, even if it would be so much easier if it wasn't. But it is, and with just the simple act of high fiving their hands touch and they both feel tingles.

Eventually, Barney goes to get them all a new round. Only a minute later Robin follows him, telling the rest of the table – and herself – that she's simply volunteering to help him carry.

He's standing there waiting, leaning against the bar, surprisingly not hitting on anyone, and Robin comes up beside him, leaning her elbow against the bar too. "So that thing with the nannies, how you told them all you were too attracted to them to maintain a professional relationship? Yeah, Lily told me all about it….." She raises her eyebrow pointedly.

"Hey, it's not my fault Kevin used such a lame but effective come-on."

Robin tilts her head at him. "That wasn't all Lily told me, you know." She clears her throat and quotes him. "'The female body cannot withstand that many consecutive orgasms'. _That_ was your line?"

His mouth transforms into a wicked grin. "Hey, it could happen."

"Pretty sure it can't."

Barney gives her a look that heats her blood in a way she really wishes it wouldn't. "There were a few times I was worried about _you_." He smirks, filled with a smugness he doesn't even bother to conceal. "Once I even had to check your pulse."

She feels her face flush at the memory. "I – I'd never had five right in a row like that before. I just got a little dizzy."

His eyes on her feel almost tactile, like a slow caress from his fingers, nimble and dexterous and always right where she wanted them….or his equally agile and ingeniously adept tongue. It was insane what he could do to her. Of course, Little Barney had his own extreme skills too. The man's entire body should come with a warning label – caution: highly addictive – but then she'd probably just ignore it, like the cigarette carton at the bottom of her purse. Some things you just have to have.

The sudden sound of a beer slamming down hard against the bar top draws Robin's gaze away from Barney's. Barney also turns to shoot Carl a strange, what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you look.

"I've been trying to get your attention for the past minute and a half," Carl informs them, looking curiously back and forth between the two of them.

"Thanks," Barney mumbles as Carl hands over the rest of their drinks.

Robin tucks her hair behind her ear nervously and grabs the two bottles closest to her, hurrying back to the table.

Everyone takes turns buying new drinks after that, and for the first time in many long months all five of them close down MacLaren's together. Because it is so late and they've had so much to drink, they all decide to crash upstairs at Marshall and Lily's place.

Barney and Robin are the last two to leave. He'd caught her surreptitiously texting someone, who he could only assume to be Nick, earlier. While she gathers up her purse and slides from the booth, he's feeling bold enough tonight to broach the subject. "Is Nick gonna be mad that you ditched him tonight?"

"He'll get over it," she replies, ducking out the door and climbing up the stairs just ahead of him.

When they both reach the sidewalk in front of MacLaren's, Barney smiles and says, "Just wear the leather catsuit again. That'll do the trick"

Robin stops dead in her tracks and turns to face him. "How do you know about that?" She'd purposefully left the motorcycle fantasy out of her retelling of the event.

"I saw you outside the bar, right here in this spot, climbing onto the back of that Harley you wish was Nick's."

"I didn't see you," she marvels.

Barney snorts. "That's because you were too busy tossing your hair like a sex kitten from an '80s music video."

She looks away, her cheeks coloring.

"Don't be embarrassed. It was _hot_," he tells her, bouncing on his heels lecherously. "Robin, a man will forgive you anything while you're wearing that suit."

Robin laughs and shakes her head, smiling at him. Barney smiles back and she feels her heart do a little flip in her chest. She makes a mental note to be sure that Ted sleeps between them tonight.

* * *

><p>Forty-five minutes later, Marvin is asleep in his nursery, Marshall and Lily are asleep in their bedroom, and Ted is passed out on the floor next to the couch. Barney's lying across the stomach and arm of Marvin's giant teddy bear and Robin's lying parallel to him on the couch, but they're both still awake, looking over at each other. Luckily, between the city lights shining through the windows and their eyes having grown accustomed to the dimness, they can perfectly make out each other's faces across the small space separating them.<p>

"Robin," Barney calls, breaking the silence.

"Shh, Ted's sleeping," she lightheartedly admonishes.

Barney looks down at Ted lying fast asleep between them, not in their perfectly matched positions but firmly outside their groove with his head resting alongside their feet. Barney's eyes spark with mischief, but he does match Robin's hushed tone. "We should draw on his face."

"No," Robin laughs. "That would be wrong….and immature…." She props herself up on one elbow. "And we should totally do it." Barney grins with excitement. "But Lily will be mad if we wake up Marvin," she adds.

"She'll make us go home," he nods. "And I'm too drunk to go all the way home."

She eyes him playfully. "You are not."

"I'm a little drunk."

Robin smiles and then lays her head back down, shifting slightly on the couch, making herself cozy. "You should get some sleep. That bear is insanely comfortable, even more than this couch. I should know; I bought him."

"Too bad you broke off the other arm," Barney whispers to her. "You could be sleeping down here with me."

A beat passes between them. The moment is heady and loaded as they watch each other through the darkness.

"Yeah, too bad," she finally murmurs back.

"Good night, Robin."

"Good night, Barney." She dutifully closes her eyes and after a few minutes pass, when it still refuses to come on its own, she simply pretends sleep.

Once Robin can't see him and he's free to look at her as long as he'd like, Barney slowly takes in every inch of her. She's lying on her side, her arms curled up under her head, the curve of her torso flowing down into her long legs, which are softly tucked up into a slight fetal position. He remembers how she used to lay that way back when they were dating. During their summer, the first time they actually spent the whole full night together, he'd longed so much to spoon up behind her and hold her in his arms. The purely non-sexual urge surprised him more than anyone. As the weeks wore on, finally he dared to reach out and touch her, resting his fingers gently against her upper thigh as they slept. Eventually, one night, Robin reached down and grabbed his hand, entwining it with hers and bringing it up to rest softly cradled against her bosom, before nestling back against him until he shifted closer to her too, making the embrace complete.

Barney smiled faintly at the memory, giving himself over to it and letting his eyes fall closed, hoping to drift off into a world where such visions are still possible.

Only a second later, now that enough time has gone by for Robin to feel safe not to get caught, she opens her eyes to gaze at Barney again. His eyes are shut tight now and each breath he takes is slow and even. She remembers when they were together how she used to wake up close beside him, often before he did since her job necessitated she become an early riser. She used to lie there in the mornings and silently watch him sleep, just like she's doing now, until he'd finally wake up and give her that thousand watt smile. Then his eyes would drift to her lips and he'd promptly pounce.

In the here and now, Robin continues just watching Barney sleep, feeling her longing for him intensify with each soft, steady rise and fall of his chest. And she wishes so badly that she hadn't accidentally ripped the other arm off that bear so she could be lying there beside him right now.

So much for Ted as a buffer between them.

* * *

><p>The next morning, after being awoken shortly before 5:30 a.m. by a crying baby then sending his parents back to bed and with Ted's help tending to her would-be godson, Robin is just putting the finishing touches on her one specialty, French crepes – well, that and pancakes; any Canadian worth their salt can make killer pancakes – when she hears the front door open and close. A moment later, Barney joins her beside the stove.<p>

With Marshall and Lily only starting to stir in their bedroom, Ted back in the nursery amusing little Marvin, and therefore the two of them momentarily left alone, the kitchen suddenly seems much smaller than she remembers.

"You're back," Robin says, busying herself with fixing up a plate of crepes with a spoonful of sliced strawberries and a dollop of whipped cream.

"Mmm, that looks good. I'm starving," Barney replies, attempting to snatch the plate from her hands.

She holds it back away from him with narrowed eyes. "Have you ever heard of _The Grasshopper and the Ant_?" He looks at her as if she's sprouted a second head. "You know, one of Aesop's fables."

"Grasshoppers," he mocks, shaking his head. "What nonsense are they teaching up in Canada?"

Robin's brow crinkles in confusion. "Aesop wasn't Canadian. Barney, Canada didn't even exist back – "

"Yeah, yeah. Canada's great," he interrupts. "Just hand over some breakfast."

He makes a show of hungrily reaching for the plate again but she sidesteps him. "The point is, you didn't help change Marvin, or feed him, or dress him, or make breakfast. Why should you get to enjoy my crepes?"

Barney leans in closer. "Because you just can't resist all this," he answers, raising his hands at his sides to emphasize his point.

Robin is the first to break, shaking her head and softly laughing, "Idiot." She offers him the plate and when he steps in close to take it she pauses, sniffing. "I can smell your body wash," she says distractedly. She can't help it; he does smell fantastic, everyone knows it. As he leans across her, preoccupied with spooning on more whipped topping from the container on the counter in front of her, Robin closes her eyes, breathing him in. "Did you go home and take a shower?"

"Yep," he answers, stepping away from her, completely oblivious. "And put on a fresh suit too. I'm not a hobo." He grins and takes his plate to the table.

In his wake, Robin begins preparing a new plate for herself, all the while knowing that he's right; she can't resist him. Barney can always find his way through to her heart, no matter what. She doesn't know what she's going to do about this attraction, this unstoppable pull to him. It's a problem she has no idea how to fix.


	29. 805

**The Autumn Of Breakups**

Finding Brover was a godsend for Barney. He doesn't enjoy sleeping around anymore. That much has been clear to him since the debacle with the nannies, even before the beating really; that had just been the turning point. So he'd cut down his intake of one-night stands ever since. Sure, he'd still tell his stories, and he actually would sleep with a woman now and again – the thing with the 6 really happened. But his heart is no longer in it. It's simply a rote response out of habit and boredom and a desperate need to distract himself from the true source of his emotional pain. But it doesn't make him feel good. He really is too old for this stuff. And it doesn't ease the pain any either.

So when he came across his new pal, Brover, it was like cosmic fate and destiny and all that other stuff fourteen year old girls and Ted go on about. Wingmaning for Brover is just the distraction he needs from how miserable he is and how much he still loves Robin. This way he can concentrate on employing all of his skills and plays but it will be to get his new dog laid, not himself.

And Brover really is a great little companion. He's easy to talk to. The dog already knows way too much. Good thing he's the only one who seems to be able to understand Brover's language.

It's also nice having Brover along for encouragement when he goes to visit his mom that Sunday afternoon to finally tell her the truth about him and Quinn. It's been weeks since they broke up and he always knew he'd have to tell her eventually but he's been dreading the conversation. His mom wants to see him in love and settled just like James. He's gotten better at being honest with her since the days of his fake wife and son, but he still hates to disappoint her by telling her that instead of getting married he's gone back to sleeping with random pick-ups. Still, even though it will make his mom sad, he knows she wants and deserves the truth. And having a cute little doggy there to smooth things over certainly can't hurt.

When he finally tells his mom that he broke up with Quinn and that he probably never should have proposed to her in the first place because he always knew he didn't feel for her what he should, he braces himself for tears – or, more likely, lectures. The response he gets surprises him.

"I'm glad."

At first he's relieved, but that relief soon turns to confusion. "I just told you I dumped my former fiancée because I could never really trust her after she duped me out of thousands of dollars and the only thing you have to say is 'I'm glad'? Gee, thanks, Mom," he sarcastically replies.

Loretta takes her son's hand in hers as they sit at the kitchen table, Brover sleeping happily on her lap. "Well, I'm sorry, Barney, but that girl was never right for you. That much was plain to see. I know you want to settle down, and that makes me happy. But you can't just grab the first woman you see and call it good. It was never going to work out with you and Quinn. I knew it all along."

Barney looks at her, stunned. "You did?"

"Of course."

Talk about a mother's intuition. Ever since he started opening himself up to her more it seems like he can't get anything past her.

"I know some other things too, but….." Loretta stops herself off when she sees his expression. "I know, I know. I'm not allowed to use the R-word."

He sighs. "Mom, you can say her name. It's just; you've got to give up on the idea of things going anywhere with me and Robin. I have."

"Then you give up too quickly."

"No," he insists, standing up and using the excuse of going to pour a second cup of coffee as a way to avoid her all too knowing eyes. "You made me promise to take a chance, and I did. It didn't work out."

"But I also said, 'Don't be me'. Not taking that chance with you last year doesn't mean she didn't want to, Barney. I know firsthand what it's like to be a woman who's too afraid to take a chance with the man she loves."

That brings Barney's eyes back to his mom. "Well, Robin's not afraid. She's taken plenty of chances with Ted, and Don, and Kevin. And now Nick."

Loretta smiles gently. "I said with the man she_ loves_."

"Robin doesn't love me, Mom."

"Alright, Barney. We'll see."

Unfortunately he already had.

* * *

><p>A few days later, Barney pops into MacLaren's and finds only Robin and Nick sitting alone in the booth. After all these months it still hurts him to see the two of them together. The pain only makes him even more manic in his clinging to this Brover distraction. Nevertheless, he leaves the dog at the bar and walks over to join them, sitting down next to Robin, naturally.<p>

Barney slides into the booth beside her and his hip momentarily presses against hers. He's all full of bluster and excitement, and even though Robin can only understand about half of what he's saying, his enthusiasm is contagious. She feels herself smiling involuntarily.

Barney continues going off into a series of obscure and silly metaphors before eventually explaining that the "new wingman" he keeps referring to is actually a dog. Robin glances over and sees the cute grey dog sitting on the bar and her first thought is how she still misses her own little fellas. The second thing that runs through her mind is how much Barney's new dog reminds her of the man himself. He's got a wry, intelligent look about him that matches Barney's perfectly, and just like his master he has women swarming all around him.

Brover, as Barney informs her he's named him, may be cute but she's a bit shocked that Barney would get a dog at all. She always thought the animal hair would ruin his suits. In fact, she's heard him say as much. He told her that's why he'd stopped his pet store plays. The realization makes her worry for him all the more. Barney must need the companionship of another living thing awfully badly then. But why? Something's been upsetting him lately, she knows. It's even worse than it was before. It's getting to the point where he can no longer even mildly hide it from her.

The week before last, shortly after midnight, she was at her place and Barney was at his but they were texting back and forth while watching a rerun of a hilariously bad movie that was playing on cable. Their joint commentary got so good that she eventually gave up on texting and simply called him. They watched the rest of the movie together, making jokes and laughing and just having fun until Nick, who was sitting on the couch beside her not enjoying the movie nearly as much as the two of them, got bored and hungry and started to eat a candle on the kitchen counter that he mistook for a cupcake. She told Barney she had to go help Nick – the candle was still lit as he bit into it – but Barney was openly reluctant to end the call.

And only a few days ago, after everyone left MacLaren's and it was down to just the three of them, she could tell Barney didn't want them to leave. He was doing everything he could to get them to stay a little while longer. He even ordered her favorite dessert, a butterscotch blondie with maple bourbon sauce, to tempt her. When Nick promised to give her something just as sweet and satisfying if they went back to her place – actually he was much more simplistic, just saying he'd 'sex her up good' – Barney choked on his scotch and actually shouted, "No, you _can't_!". It was so odd. Barney has always been a fan of hot sex and its pursuit so for him to ask them to stay behind anyway he must have really not wanted to be left alone. She put Nick off a bit longer but eventually she left with him, and as she walked away she could see the naked sadness and despair in Barney's eyes.

He must be lonely. He must be missing Quinn terribly. It's the only explanation, and one she hates to admit still stings. But when she sees Barney over at the bar sharing scotch and sloopy kisses with his new canine wingman, her concern for him outweighs any thoughts for her own pain. She needs to get Barney to open up about his misery in the wake of his breakup. She needs to help him.

Robin tells Nick just as much and she's surprised at his refusal. He just keeps going on about his cooking show. She's always so careful not to deride it in his presence, but come on. It's a cable access show. How important can it be? And besides, his lame slogans are nowhere near as amusing or eloquent as Barney's off-the-cuff catchphrases.

Her relationship with Nick isn't a great one, but the sex is good; at least there's that. That by itself has been enough for her to keep Nick around, but it's going to be a pain if he starts being pigheaded about Barney. That's something she won't stand for. So Robin simply ignores his protests, inviting Barney over for dinner anyway.

* * *

><p>A few hours later at her apartment, setting the table for a dinner that was originally meant to be for two, Robin and Nick are still fighting about her inclusion of Barney, but Robin's hardly paying the argument any mind. Barney is late and she's too worried about him to focus on anything else.<p>

Nick assures her that Barney's fine and even goes on say that she's completely overreacting with all this 'cry for help' business she keeps giving as an excuse whenever she runs off to spend time with Barney.

Maybe she has mentioned Barney a lot lately. So what if he's been on her mind almost constantly over the past few weeks since his breakup with Quinn? Barney is her friend and she has a right to be concerned about him.

A knock on the door then ends any further discussion. Knowing it must be Barney, Robin's heart rate accelerates…from relief that he's alright _and nothing more_.

She opens the door and, sure enough, Barney and Brover are standing on the other side suited up in matching jackets and ties. It would be the cutest thing she'd ever seen if she didn't know that at its heart this is all about Barney's pain at the loss of Quinn.

Robin invites them in and even sets Brover a chair at the table to make Barney happy though Nick fights against it the entire time. She thought sitting down to dinner would be better. Eating together is always a good way to break the ice. But Nick keeps making jabs at Barney the entire time. Barney just ignores him, but Robin doesn't. On the contrary, she doesn't at all care for Nick's attitude towards Barney. He was irritated by Barney's Brover jokes back at the bar, he kept insisting that Barney was alright and he shouldn't have to invite him to dinner, and now he's being dismissive and hostile over everything Barney says. By the time Nick calls Barney "pathetic" for using a dog to pick up women, Robin's shooting angry, warning glares his way.

Barney, for his part, hasn't missed how unwelcoming Nick's been throughout the meal. Not that he can blame the guy. If he'd been planning a romantic dinner with Robin all alone at her apartment, he'd be angry with someone else for horning in too. But all such thoughts go flying from his head the moment he gets the call from Brover's real owner. It's like the story of his life. He never gets the happy ending. He never gets to keep the thing he loves. He only gets to borrow it for a little while. He just gets a small taste of the happiness that can never be his before he has to inevitably give it over to someone else. And that's what he's going to have to do again: give Brover up while he's forced to stand back and watch him be happy with someone else. Just like he's had to do with Robin.

When Barney gets off the phone and explains the significance of the call, Robin's eyes fill with pain for him. "Barney, I'm so sorry," she softly tells him. She's been there; she knows how it hurts. And Barney must be doubly heartbroken because he was only using the dog as a replacement for Quinn.

Barney knows his role and he plays it well, begging off Robin's pity and insisting, "It's all good." But it's not.

He gets up and methodically folds his napkin, calmly excusing himself. He originally intended to seek refuge in the bathroom where he could collect himself, but it's just too much. Why does he never get a break? Why does he _always_ have to be the one to give things up, to sacrifice? What about what _he_ wants? Does that _never_ matter?

Yes, he wants to save face in front of Robin, but at the same time he desperately needs her care and attention, now more than ever. He needs to be fawned over by her for just a little while, like after the nannies. He soon finds his steps propelling him across the room, only half knowing what he's about to do.

Robin watches Barney leave the table and approach the balcony, opening up the doors. She assumes he must need a bit of fresh air to calm his nerves, but then he takes off his jacket. It's then that she realizes what he's about to do and a cold terror fills her. She pushes up from the table, knocking over her wine glass in the process, her napkin falling unheeded to the floor. When she sees him start to step up on the patio table, she shouts, "Hey!" Then his foot is on the railing. Panic-stricken, she frantically calls his name, sprinting as fast as she can. She won't let this happen. She won't lose him.

As soon as he feels her hands on his waist, tugging him back, Barney's attempts to climb up on the railing weaken. He never intended to actually jump anyway. Although maybe he should. What does he really have to live for? But he feels Robin pulling with all her might and a warmth spreads inside him. Even though she doesn't love him she must care about him a lot, and that means something. It's enough to make him release the firm hold he's had over his emotions all this time. "_No,_" he cries, and it's not even half about Brover, but he allows her to easily pull him back down to safety.

Robin's heart is still beating a thousand times a minute but once she's got Barney down off the ledge she can finally breathe again. Brover jumps down from his chair to come stand at Barney's feet and Robin uses the distraction to retrieve his jacket from the ground before closing and locking the patio doors, even pulling the curtains shut lest he be further tempted.

She leaves Barney for just a moment to go talk to Nick, who righted her fallen wine glass and is currently dabbing at the damp table cloth. "Go make him a cup of green tea," she whispers. "I keep his favorite brand in the second cupboard, third shelf."

Nick shoots her a look that's half annoyance, half disgust. "You stock all his favorites, huh?"

"Please, Nick," she adds.

He shakes his head as if he should have seen this coming. "I'll go make the crepes," he says instead, and the dirty look he gives Barney as his leaves doesn't escape her notice.

So she's been spending a lot of time with Barney…..and she may have had him over a few nights too. But so what? Nick's been busy trying to make a go of his show. He's worked late most nights, and she's all alone, and Barney needs a friend right now. She never has been able to get him to talk about Quinn much; he always just insists that the relationship was flawed and the breakup was for the best, but she doesn't believe him of course. Instead they spend most nights broing out, sometimes at the bar, sometimes at Ted's for a little while, but they always end up back at her place to watch Letterman while she waits for Nick to get out of work and then Barney eventually goes off to his bed partner for the night – and that alone should show Nick he's got nothing to be worried about.

Shaking those thoughts from her mind because she just can't deal with Nick's jealousy right now, Robin goes back to tend to Barney. Looking down, she realizes she still has his suit jacket cradled in her arms. "Here." She instructs him to turn around and starts helping him back into the jacket. "Barney, I can't believe you'd try to do that," she says, gently smoothing her hands over his arms as he eases them back into the sleeves. She can't bring herself to say the words 'jump' or 'suicide'. As it is, she feels like she's about to cry. Saying it out loud would make it too real and surely start the tears flowing. Even if she is eighty-three percent certain that it was only one of his stunts and he didn't actually mean to do it, it's still too horrible to think of. She tries to keep it light instead. "What would the world be like without Barney Stinson?"

"I don't know. Who would really miss me? Not Brover here," he laments, sinking down onto her couch. "He's got someone better. I can't compare. I bet he doesn't even think twice about me."

Robin sits down close beside him, her hand coming to rest on his upper arm. "I'd miss you," she tells him.

He looks at her and he knows she means it. For a moment it feels like something deep and meaningful is passing between them, but then she opens her mouth to speak again.

"And so would Ted, and Marshall, and Lily. And Little Marvin too."

It's a sweet sentiment but it's far more nonexclusive than he'd hoped.

Barney calls Brover over to the couch and the little dog curls up on the pillow beside him. As Robin watches Barney say goodbye, she moves her hand to his back, tenderly rubbing a soothing touch across his shoulder. She gets up to give them a moment, but before she's even crossed the room to Nick her mind is already made up. She's going with Barney to take Brover back. There's no way she's letting him go through this alone.

But it takes her all of three seconds to figure out that Nick is pissed that she's leaving. "Barney's more important," he accuses, storming off down the hall. And maybe she's seen this coming for a while now.

Nick's her boyfriend and he's a sweet guy. She wants to smooth things over with him but she's not going to abandon Barney. Nick will just have to understand. Or he'll just have to be mad at her. Either way, she's going with Barney.

Left alone together, Robin turns her attention to Barney, who's still sitting on the couch, hysterically hugging Brover. She eases down onto the couch, her hand rubbing his back again. "I'm going with you."

That gets Barney's attention. He straightens up to look at her, taking a glance around the room and only now realizing that Nick's gone. "What about Nick?"

Robin shrugs. "He's working on his catchphrase." It's mostly a lie, but Barney doesn't need to know that she's landed herself in hot water over him.

One look at Robin tells Barney there's more to it than what she's saying, but he's not about to question it when more time with her is always what he wants, especially now. The truth is having her with him while he gives Brover back will significantly ease the pain. "Okay."

He takes off Brover's little jacket and tie while Robin puts on her coat and they all go out into the city together. It feels like the three of them are a little family though Barney knows they're anything but. Still, this is exactly how he'd want it in some alternate universe where they could actually have a happy ending. It would be him and Robin, spending the rest of their lives together. Eventually the two of them would adopt a puppy together and all their friends would tease them for being doggy parents instead of actually having kids, but they both would know it's way better this way, with all the perks and only half the responsibilities.

But he can never have Robin. And he can never have Brover. He doesn't get to have any of that. His reality is a stark contrast to the beautiful picture in his mind and so it only serves to further depress him.

Outside the cab's windows, the darkened but just as busy streets of New York go past but Robin's thoughts are all for Barney as he sits glumly staring down at the dog he loves so much and he's about to give up. "You're quiet," she observes. Her hand finds his forearm in the dimness of the cab. "Are you gonna be okay?"

He looks up, seeing the worry on her face, and prompts himself to rein it in. "Of course. The Barnacle's always okay. Nothing can touch him."

Robin smiles. "The Barnacle," she repeats, letting the rest of his obviously false statement pass. "I haven't heard that one in awhile. Are you bringing it back?"

"I've tried to bring a lot of things back. It doesn't always work."

She knows his statement has a deeper meaning to it but he doesn't expound any further and she senses that she's wise to keep silent on it too. She just lets her fingers softly graze over his atop Brover's fury head where they're both petting him.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, they arrive at the address Barney was given and silently file out of the cab to find Apartment 25. Rounding the corner, he stops at the proper door, sighing as he turns to face Robin. She puts on her brightest, most encouraging fake smile for his benefit. He's grateful, but he can also see right through it.<p>

She steps closer to his side. "You ready to say goodbye?"

It's a loaded question with a double meaning she can't even begin to understand.

Barney glances back at Robin. With her, he knows he'll never be ready. It's impossible. He'll always love her. He'll never be able to let her go. But, looking down at Brover, he nods. Robin smiles supportingly and his heart feels yet another inappropriate burst of love for her. "Thanks for coming with me."

"Aw." Their eyes meet for a moment and in that second she wants to kiss every last bit of his pain away. Needing a distraction, she reaches out and starts petting Brover instead. Besides, it's not like what she did is so great. He once extended a similar kindness to her. "Well, you did the same for me back when I had to give away all my dogs." She never mentioned it again until now but she's thought about it a lot over the years.

It was almost six years ago now. She was still with Ted then but their relationship was already on rocky ground, though neither of them would admit it. They'd been fighting constantly about her dogs and the fact that Ted didn't think she should get to keep them when they'd all originally been gifts from ex-boyfriends. Barney told her she shouldn't have to give up anything she loved, for Ted or anyone. She shouldn't have to change or compromise for a man. But she assured him that Lily was right; it really would be for the dogs own good. They'd be happier up on her aunt's farm. Still, Barney insisted that he was going with her to give them away. Truth be told, she was really glad for the moral support. No one else, lest of all Ted, even thought to offer.

Robin gazes fondly up at him. "Remember?"

"Oh, yeah," Barney grins at the memory. It was a more than five hour drive up to her aunt's place and it was good practice for him. After Ted humiliated him with the Fiero incident, Robin felt bad for him and had secretly given him driving lessons the entire summer before while Marshall and Ted had been too busy with his broken heart to notice their absence. But it turned out those deserted, back country roads were just what he needed. After that, he passed the driving test and had his license within the month.

"We drove to your aunt's farm upstate," he reminisces aloud. "She was awesome." That earns a big smile from Robin so he continues. "I love that she was this wise, old, chilled out lesbian farmer."

He really did love her aunt. She showed him all around the farm, which normally wouldn't be his thing but there was something about her wisdom and blunt honesty that he found refreshing. He and Robin even stayed for dinner, only making it back into the city very late that night. All in all, it was a great time.

It wasn't even awkward when Robin's aunt originally mistook him for her boyfriend and said she could see how perfect he was for her. Until later; then it got awkward. Robin went to say one last goodbye to her dogs and her aunt cornered him in the kitchen…..

"So what's this Ted like?" she asks with a protective suspicion that lets him know she loves her niece very much. That on its own makes her one awesome lady in his book.

"Eh, he's an okay guy," Barney allows.

"As okay as you?"

"Well, let's not talk the impossible."

She laughs heartily at that and rises even further in Barney's esteem.

When her laughter finally dies down, she looks at him seriously, pinning him with her shrewd blue eyes. "Does he love her as much as you do?"

"Excuse me?" Barney sputters. "I don't _love_ Robin," he scoffs, backing up the statement with air quotes over the word 'love'. "Love is an emotion I'm physically incapable of feeling. Robin's my bro. _Ted_ is her boyfriend." Robin's poor aunt doesn't look _that_ old, and up until now her mind has been as sharp as a tack, but maybe this is early onset senility?

"Mm-hmm. And Betty's just my perfectly straight 'special friend'. Lucky for us both, Robin buys excuses easily."

"I am _not_ in love with Robin," he insists, starting to get a little riled up now.

She raises her hands in surrender. "Have it your way."

"I'm not," he persists.

But of course he was. He genuinely didn't realize it at the time, at it's nothing to the way he loves her now, but it was there all the same, even way back then.

Barney shakes himself from the memory – and from Robin's realization only just now that her aunt really has been a lesbian all these years – to concentrate on the task at hand. As lovely as it is reminiscing with Robin, he knows the time has come to let Brover go, just like it will later that evening when he'll be forced to leave Robin with Nick.

"Oh, this is going to be tough," he admits. "Brover really was the best wingman ever." Robin pats his back consolingly, watching him wince as he knocks on the door.

Even after discovering Brover actually has a terrible name like 'Mr. Sprinkles', Barney still handles it wonderfully. He's rather proud of himself, really. It doesn't get uncomfortable until Brover's owner says, "Did this nice couple take care of you?"

Barney purses his lips and looks away, but he initially takes the misnomer in stride. He's been pacifying himself since they left her apartment by occasionally pretending as much too. But when he turns to meet Robin's eyes and sees her obvious hesitancy the moment grows awkward.

They both stand there like deer caught in the headlights, neither one knowing what to say.

Robin's in a blind panic. What can this woman see, she wonders. Can she tell just by looking at her that she's in love with Barney? Is it that obvious? Is she so transparent? If she is, then Barney must see it too. Oh dear god. She _can't_ let Barney know. She can only think of one surefire way to throw him off the track: by broing him out right now with this woman. "That's a laugh," she says, a little too loudly and a lot too uncomfortably.

Barney turns to look at her again, sadly this time; because of course she'd be quick to set the woman straight. Of course she thinks the very idea of the two of them ever being together again is so hysterically, laughably wrong.

She can still feel the tension there between them so Robin further deepens her voice, calling Barney, "Big bro".

He merely fakes a smile that he's sure doesn't reach his eyes. Then Robin rushes to say she has to leave. She goes into her lesbian spiel and he knows what she's doing even though he doesn't want it, even though he'd rather just have the ten minute cab ride home alone with her instead.

When she gets to the part about now realizing Maureen is her lesbian life partner and she even shouts, "Surprise!", the two share a secret smile. This isn't how he wanted the night to end, and Robin would clearly rather be anywhere but here right now, but it's still all Barney can do to hold in his laughter at just how very adorable she is.

Robin pats his back one more time before taking off down the hallway, leaving him there with Brover's owner.

"So, would you like a drink?" she asks, and he knows she'll end up offering a whole lot more.

Might as well, he figures.

But before following her into her apartment, he hangs back in the doorway, looking off in Robin's direction. "Best wingman ever," he smiles bittersweetly before going inside to accept his forever single, forever without Robin fate.

* * *

><p>It's nearly one thirty in the morning and Barney's just stepping out of his shower, getting ready for bed. Naturally he'd ducked out of Brover's apartment after sleeping with Michelle…or Mary….or maybe Martha – it was something with an 'M'. But that was actually the first one-night stand he'd had all week, and there had only been the one the week prior too, on the very night before he met Brover. Contrary to everyone's continued belief, he isn't after quick, easy sex anymore. He had sex with that woman the week before out of sheer boredom, and he only slept with Brover's owner now because Robin pushed him into it. All those nights in the past couple of weeks, hanging out at MacLaren's and with Robin, they all thought he was going off to bang some new girl every night but in reality he almost always just went home.<p>

To say it's been difficult going back to his old lifestyle is a gross understatement. It's been nearly unbearable accepting this is all he'll ever have. But there's no choice. He's given up on any idea of ever 'getting over' Robin. Sleeping with countless women didn't do it. Three years broken up didn't do it. His heart shattering while he watched her actively pick someone else over him didn't do it. Proposing to another woman certainly didn't do it; the night of his engagement Robin was the only one he could think about. No, he's never going to stop loving her. Being forever in love with Robin while she doesn't begin to feel the same way is just his burden in life. He'll carry that love for her always.

Sleeping around now doesn't interest him any more than it does Ted. But even if he found someone who mildly piqued his interest, what would be the point of starting another relationship when he will _always_ yearn for Robin and always wish it could be her instead?

He lets the towel drop from around his waist, slipping into his massive bed alone and remembering the night almost exactly one year ago when she shared it with him. A moment later he's reaching over to his nightstand and grabbing his phone, texting her before his brain overrules his heart and stops him.

Over at her apartment, Robin's watching the DVR recording of her evening broadcast when she hears her phone jumping on the nightstand from the vibration of an incoming text. She reads the message and then glances over to Nick, still fast asleep beside her. Finding a robe to throw on, she tiptoes into the living room. Her thumb hovers over Barney's icon before she finally opts to call him rather than texting back and forth. He answers after only half a ring.

Skipping any traditional greeting, she goes right to, "I thought you'd still be with Brover's owner. It's barely one-thirty and that was a perfect setup I gave you. What's the matter?" she teases. "Losing your touch?"

"I already made my escape."

"Ah." He had slept with her then. Not that she cares. It's totally what she expected. She got him the green light after all. And she'd had sex with Nick too, so it's not like it matters. It's not like it bothers her at all.

But it does and deep down she knows it, which is why she keeps telling herself all the more that _of course_ it doesn't matter. "So what's with the text then? You wanted to share the details?" She tries to imbue her voice with the right mixture of bro-like interest and pleasant disgust – and not at all the stabbing, maddening jealousy she has no right to feel.

Lying in his bed at home, Robin's words are like a punch to the gut. Graphic details of his one-night stand, that's what she thinks he wants to talk about it. And she's perfectly ready to too. He was a fool for thinking….well, he doesn't know what he was thinking. He _hadn't_ been thinking and that's the problem. He was just longing for her and he let his heart get ahead of his mind. "No, I – I don't know why I – maybe I hit the wrong button. Never mind." He starts to hang up but he hears her calling out.

"Wait. Wait."

He sighs, but brings the phone back to his ear. "I'm here," he tells her.

"Barney….what's wrong?"

He can hear the very real concern in her voice again and it makes him ashamed for giving her cause to worry in the first place. "Nothing," he promises. "I'm alright." But he doesn't want to lie to her anymore. Oh how he wishes he could tell her the truth for once, every last bit of it. "It's just…."

"You miss Quinn," Robin quietly fills in the blank. "You're lonely. It only makes sense." She swallows heavily, giving herself an inner pep talk. She can do this. Barney needs her and she can be there for him as a friend. Even if it means listening to how much he loved Quinn. Taking a deep, fortifying breath, she continues. "You were going to marry her, so of course you still miss her. Anyone could understand that."

"No. No, you _don't_ understand." After weeks of listening to her tell him his behavior is all about Quinn, it finally comes bursting out. "I don't miss Quinn. It's not about Quinn. But…."

"What?" she asks softly. "It's okay. You can tell me. No one else has to know, just us."

"Maybe….maybe I am lonely sometimes. Maybe I do miss…" _You_. Being with you. "…being in a relationship." Even that hits too close to home, so he immediately backpedals. "Sometimes. But mostly I _rock_ at being single. I just need my little wingman."

Curled up on the couch, Robin ignores his continued claim that it's all about the dog and focuses instead on the first part. "Well good. That's _good_, Barney. You've grown beyond all the cheap, mindless hook-ups. They're not enough for you anymore, and that's a good thing. That's really good. And, hey, it's okay to feel lonely sometimes."

"It doesn't feel good. I mean, look at me. Look what I've been reduced to. I had a _dog_ for a wingman."

Robin laughs, and even through the phone her laughter warms his heart. "But you don't need to be," she reassures him. "You have me."

Now it's Barney's turn to smile. "Do I?"

"_Yes_. I'm your – " She cuts herself off, switching tracks before saying anything too revealing. "I'm a wingwoman extraordinaire. Don't you remember? Didn't I prove it tonight?"

Barney nods. "I remember." Having her in his life this way is better than not at all. He decided that months ago and he's just going to have to stick to it. "So you're gonna be my wingwoman, huh?"

Robin doesn't relish the thought but she'll do it, for him. "If that's what you need."

"How about we just stick with bros? I could use one of those right now."

"You've got it."


	30. 806

**Splitsville**

* * *

><p><em>The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear.<em>

* * *

><p>Tip-toeing from her bedroom in the early morning hours so as not to wake up Nick, Robin walks into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and all the while she wonders what she's doing with her life. In the beginning with Nick things were completely different. Barney was living with Quinn, a fact that propelled her into action in her own love life. But she'd only been on a couple of dates with Nick by the time Barney got engaged. Her life was dark and depressing back then. She had every reason to try to move on as fast and as hard as she could. Finding Nick again after all that time and having him to cling to was her one salvation during those long, difficult months.<p>

And their sex life was great. It was easy to give herself over to the one pleasure she could find, easy to just have repeated, mindless sex with him over and over again and at least let herself feel good for a change. If she's honest, sex was really all they had going for them – all they _still_ have going for them. Sex was the only thing that kept them together all summer long. Well, much more so it was the fact that Barney was engaged to someone else, but that's not something she allows herself to dwell on.

But, as congenial and hot as Nick is, it's hard to sustain a relationship for so many months when it's based solely on sex. That's why by the time fall rolled around she'd resorted to trying to spice things up – first with her news broadcasts, then with the whole bike thing that backfired – anything really that will keep things going between them. The sex just isn't as hot as before….and it's more difficult now to throw herself into it so completely when Barney's circumstances have changed. He's single again, not on the brink of marriage to someone else.

Barney's breakup has already caused problems between her and Nick, and now – thanks to Marshall for using him as a ringer for his stupid basketball team – Nick has a groin injury that's eliminated sex completely. It only took her that first sexless night to discover that without it they have _nothing_. Now, three days later, drinking her coffee in the dark so she won't attract attention and have to actually deal with her boyfriend, she's ready to crawl up the walls. The one thing she can say about a long-term relationship built entirely around sex is that she'd grown used to the consistent servicing on a regular basis. Now she isn't getting any and it makes her cross and particularly annoyed with everything Nick says and does. Because, aside from the physical, it's become glaringly obvious that he doesn't have a thing to offer her. Which is why come the late afternoon, rather than face Nick again, she hides out at Marshall and Lily's place, lamenting her lack of sex.

Barney fiddles with his chopsticks and does some silent lamenting of his own. He really doesn't need to hear anything more about Robin's sex life with Nick, but he has to admit he's glad for whatever layup went wrong and caused the guy to be sitting on the sexual sidelines instead of still in bed with Robin.

It's been a catch-22 for him, walking a very careful line with Robin over the past month. On the one hand, he doesn't want her to think that he's devastated from his breakup with Quinn. That will give her the wrong idea entirely, like Quinn was some great love of his life when that position has and only can be filled by her. But, on the other hand, it's that very sympathy that keeps Robin hanging out with him frequently, something that he doesn't want to end. Only yesterday, after they ran into a dog out on the street that bore a slight resemblance to Brover, Robin volunteered to go to laser tag with him followed by the cigar bar, where they stayed till the early morning hours. It was something they hadn't done all summer long, and he _loved_ every minute of it. But it's tough being stuck in the friend zone with the love of his life who also happens to have a serious boyfriend. It's hard being just bros when he longs for so much more.

Right now they're sitting on the couch together separated only by Lily, who's getting more and more turned on talking about people icing their groins. He exchanges a look with Robin that's part awkwardness and part strange excitement at the visual the words 'wet' and 'steamy' provide. But then Ted starts talking about basketball and Barney's focus is diverted. He raises his finger to say something snarky but Robin beats him to it.

"Hold up, hold up," she says. Barney looks over a moment and smiles when he discovers that she's unintentionally matched his raised finger gesture. "Are you suggesting that you are a member of a sports team _and_ you're the captain?" she asks.

Barney glances back up from his food and laughs. She's incredible – and she looks sexier than ever. Her slim black pants hug every inch of her, and all the sheer black lace and flesh tones of her blouse remind him of her nighties that he's personally removed. But Robin's complaint about not getting pounded by Nick momentarily cures him of his lust.

"Oh, come on," Ted replies. "You can't go a couple weeks without sex?"

That statement confirms every suspicion Barney's ever had about what Robin's sex life with Ted had been. If Ted's shocked about Robin complaining over a couple _weeks_ of abstinence than Ted's relationship with her must have been nothing like the one Barney and Robin shared. Even when they were sneaking around and doing everything undercover, the longest they'd ever gone was four days – and that was only because he'd been out of the city dealing with a crisis at work. Robin literally attacked him on his very first night back. A suit died that day but it was totally worth it.

Robin, however, can't pay much mind to Ted's teasing because she's absorbed with her own thoughts. Now that there's no sex being had, she actually has to do something else with Nick – talk to him – and the thing she discovered is….he's really very dumb. She's not exactly proud that after six months she's only just realizing that now. It illustrates all too well that she only wanted him for one thing. Still, she suspects that it might just be her own sexually frustrated irritation with Nick that's clouding her judgment, which is why she mentions the whole intelligence issue to the group, assuming they'll all tell her she's overreacting. But, when everyone confirms it, she knows it must be true.

Barney has been keeping silent about Nick for a very long time. As much as it bothered him, he knew it wasn't his place to put down Robin's choice in a boyfriend, or try to break them up, if she was truly happy with the guy. But lately it's become clear that isn't the case. Last night at the cigar bar she even started to directly complain to him about Nick. He'd held his tongue then, but now that she's actually asking for his input he's free to tell her what he really thinks. "Airbags are sharper," he says with disgust, and all the others echo the same sentiment.

Robin's features turn distressed. She really had thought her disgruntled heart and hungry body were simply exaggerating Nick's faults, but that can't be the case if they've all seen it. "Wow. When did you guys start to notice he was kind of dumb?"

Barney is more than happy to go on now that she's opened the subject for discussion. "Well, there was that time Nick was doing the crossword." He turns to get her reaction, to see if she _finally_ realizes how unworthy this guy is to worship at the throne of Robin. And Ted helps out too.

It seems to be working until Lily jumps in with a made up tale of Nick, Robin, and a Danish exchange student all in the shower together. Despite its unhelpfulness, Barney looks at Lily with vague amusement because he always appreciates a lusty woman. "Let's give this Danish ho a name," Lily continues. "I'm thinkin' Nadia. Yeah. She sounds slutty and bi-curious." Suddenly he can see the image of this Nadia and Robin naked together in the shower sudsing each other up, and he shivers, finding it necessary to shake himself out of the fantasy too.

But Robin doesn't notice. She's too torn over what to do. Underneath it all, she knows the truth but she's not yet ready to acknowledge it. Sighing, she decides to take baby steps. Setting her beer bottle down on the table next to Barney, though she can't bring herself to look at him and keeps her eyes trained on Ted instead, she admits, "You know, the problem is, now that I know how dumb Nick is, it's kinda making me reconsider the relationship." And that has _nothing at all_ to do with the man she's now sitting scrunched up beside – her thigh brushing his arm and her knee pressed into his – even though there are plenty of other seating options in the room, including an open chair, the very roomy opposite side of the couch, plus the kitchen table that was just as close to where she'd been standing.

As soon as Barney hears the phrase "reconsider the relationship" hope awakens in his heart and his head instantly shots up, Chinese food forgotten. He opens his mouth to tell her that, of course, she should reconsider when Lily cuts him off.

"_Why_?" she insists. "Eventually Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville where all the crosswords only have one box to fill."

Barney's expression grows troubled and thwarted and he really wishes Lily would just keep quiet and not mention the one thing tying Robin to this man. "Talk about a double standard."

It _is_ a double standard. Robin's eyes cloud over with discontent and guilt at the knowledge. She's been using Nick for his body like a human sex toy. That's all he is to her and no more. It is no better than a guy doing the same thing. She looks over at Barney as he goes on.

"Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or who thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo Dicaprio, _I'm_ shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy that can't be trusted around outlets. _Dump him_!" Barney says, trying to imbue it with harmless frustration for the benefit of a friend. He just hopes she can't read the very real plea behind it.

Robin realizes that he's right and she hates to admit it. Not _just_ for the sex either. The secret, shameful truth is that Barney himself is also a large part of the reason why she doesn't want to dump Nick, why she's too scared to do it. She's afraid for how she'll behave. She's terrified she won't be able to control her emotions around Barney without the safety of her relationship with Nick standing between them, without that security buffer ensuring that she can't throw herself at Barney because she'll never allow herself to be a cheater ever again. But, once they're both single, what if she can't stop herself from making an advance that Barney wouldn't welcome? And what if a simple night of easy, available sex with her _would_ appeal to him, which in many ways would be far worse?

She literally has no idea what she's going to do.

* * *

><p>Later, after all the others have left, when it's just Robin alone at MacLaren's nursing what's left of her drink, Barney finds her there. He slides into the booth across from her and it only takes him one second to read her worried expression. "Just do it, Robin. It's not that hard. Do it tonight. Make a clean break. Before he heals and your lady parts go back to doing all the thinking for you."<p>

Robin swirls her drink, watching as the amber liquid sloshes against the sides of the glass. "It's more complicated than just 'don't have sex with dumb people'."

Barney's face scrunches up. "It is, though? Is it really?" he counters. "And you're not just having sex with him. You're _dating_ him. He's your _boyfriend,_ for six months now. At least I have the common courtesy to leave the dummies in the morning. You're only leading him on." Robin's brow furrows at the far too accurate accusation. "Unless…unless you're really in love with him."

She sighs heavily. "No. I'm not." That divulgence makes Barney's heart soar in a way that it really shouldn't. "But he's such a sweet guy, and I could do a lot worse."

"Robin," he says incredulously, "you could do a lot _better_." She bites her lip, looking up at him then. "I know you, Robin, and you're not happy with Nick. I've seen you in the past week just barely tolerating him."

"I know," she finally admits, letting her forehead fall against the tabletop. "I can't help it. Every new catchphrase attempt is worse than his last."

"Yeah," he agrees. "Outside of a porno, 'eat my meat' is pretty bad."

"It's just…it gets so _tiring_," she says, picking her head back up. "I don't know. I guess I just want to be with someone who's – "

"Your intellectual equal?" Barney supplies. "Who can at least hold a decent conversation? Who understands the difference between a noun and a verb?" She gives him a look but he continues. "Someone without the personality of a rock, who can give as good with his brain as he can with his penis?"

"_Yes_. Okay? Yes," Robin bursts out. She pauses a moment before whining, "I have to break up with him, don't I?"

"_Dump him_."

* * *

><p>Late the next night, Barney's back at the bar listening to Ted talk about how the kids from the Hebrew school stole his team's basketball when Robin comes in.<p>

As she crosses the room, Robin's eyes quickly hone in on Barney and she offers him a nervous, "Hey", already dreading what he's going to say.

"Hey," he smiles back, jumping up to give her his space in the booth, pulling up the end chair for himself.

"Oh. Thanks," she gestures awkwardly, knowing he's going to be upset with her and feeling ashamed – though she keeps telling herself she has no reason to feel that way.

Barney ignores her thanks. Of course he'll give her the better spot. Like he even cares about seating arrangements when he's about to find out if Robin is a single and free woman again. It's already after midnight. She's had ample opportunity to dump the guy, both last night and tonight.

Lily is the one to broach the topic first. "How'd the breakup with Nick go?" she asks, and Robin is forced to tell the sordid tale.

The night before hadn't gone as planned. First, Nick insisted on cooking her dinner at her apartment. And okay, she thought she could still go with that; it would be quiet and private and as good a place as any to dump him. But it wasn't and she hated it.

She never has been good at breaking up with guys. It goes all the way back to her teenage summer on the fouling farm. Occasionally a birth would go wrong and they'd have to put the animal out of its misery, but she could never, ever bear to do it or even watch. Actually, it probably goes back further than that to how her dad forced her into hunting when she was just a little girl who thought that turkeys and bunnies were too cute to harm. As strong as she likes to make everyone think she is, she's never been good at purposefully hurting innocent animals or people. Nick is no exception.

So, at dinner, she chickened out. After dinner, she chickened out. It was easier just going along with things. But as they were getting ready for bed and she was rearranging the throw pillows with a passive-aggressive annoyance because Nick wasn't the man she wanted to be with that night, though it would be so much better for them all if he was, he mentioned going to a fortune teller and buying an amulet to ward off a curse the woman swore he had, and that was her breaking point. It would be hard to hurt him, but she knew she had to do it all the same.

But then he walked over to her and she felt his abs. The man really did have the body of a Greek God, and he'd have to heal eventually. Sure, it was just sex and no deeper, but she had nothing else going for her. And she really did need to get off. In this sexually charged state there was no telling what stupid, reckless thing she might do. She was truly better off just staying and getting easy, nobody-gets-hurt sex from Nick rather then from someplace – from _someone_ – more complicated. So she disregarded the breakup and just asked Nick to do sit ups while she watched.

Barney hates every second of Robin's story. He hates the sexual hold Nick has over her all the more because when _he_ was with Robin, when the two of them were together, it seemed like sex was the only thing they could get right. It was the one area where he didn't disappoint her but instead could fully please her. The raw chemistry, the hot sex life, that had been _their_ thing. Even if they had nothing else, even if they were doomed from the start, their passion, their chemistry, how absolutely fantastic they were in bed together that was theirs…..and now they didn't even have that. Now he's been usurped at every avenue.

But it makes him all the more determined to get her away from Nick. Because he's not just being selfish; right is on his side. Nick is no good for Robin. She deserves someone far, far better. Now that she's admitted to being unhappy, he won't let her do this to herself. That's the unfortunate thing about Robin, her tendency to temporize, and not rock the boat, and just complacently go along with the easiest course of action even though it's not the best thing for her or even what she really wants.

That's why Barney's disappointed but still determined. And that's why he already made plans accordingly. "I knew you'd cave. Which is why I came up with a little extra incentive to break up with Nick." He pulls his laptop from its hiding place and opens it up. He worked on this all last night. Robin's told him many stories about her clingy co-worker Patrice and he always listens intently to all her stories, catalogues each and every one of the things she shares. He knew more than likely Robin would need that extra push, so while he was sitting at home in his empty apartment, agonizing over what was happening at Robin's, the idea of Patrice had come to him as just the motivation Robin needs. Knowing her the way he does, he's sure this will push all her buttons and get the job done. "End it by 8 p.m. tonight or this invite goes live," he tells her with a hint of smugness at his foolproof plan to get her out of that fool's arms. He turns his laptop for her to see the Robin and Patrice's BFF Fun Day logo.

Something akin to horror fills Robin. Her eye starts to tick with aggravation as she questions him over why he would do this.

Barney tries to shrug it off, tries to not let her – or any of them – see the real reason for this tough love.

"Delete that right now," Robin insists. She can't have Patrice to deal with on top of everything else.

But Barney remains persistent. "_No_. If I don't give you a little push you'll let this drag on until Nick can have sex again." He looks back down to the computer screen, disturbed at both the immediate thought of Robin having sex with Nick and what that will lead to: her staying with him forever. His expression perturbed, he adds, "And then you'll be right back to...procrastinating on all fours." He can hardly get the words out, but they're as true as they are upsetting.

Robin sighs. He's right, again. He knows her too well. Enjoyable sex and even fear aren't good enough reasons to stay in a relationship. "I hate to admit it, but the man in the suit has a point." She grabs her beer, suddenly really needing a drink.

Marshall advises her to let Nick down easy and Ted adds his two cents that she should find the perfect, public place in which to do it. Surprisingly, it's Barney who's heard of Splitsville, the new dessert bar right around the corner that's supposed to be _the_ place to dump someone. And so it's decided that Splitsville it is.

Soon Marshall and Lily have to get back upstairs to watch Marvin, and Ted insists on going home to get a good night's rest before the T-Squares first game tomorrow. Then it's just Robin and Barney alone together again – and the ominous full-screen evite for Robin's and Patrice's BFF Fun Day sitting on the table between them.

Robin looks from the laptop back up to him. "Come on, Barney. Just delete it."

He shakes his head emphatically. "Not only will I not delete it, but you're coming with me right now to Splitsville for a trial run. We can't have anything going wrong on the big day."

He forces her to make the short walk there with him. They arrive shortly before closing time and the place is mostly deserted. For a restaurant that's famed for being a heartbreak spot, Robin's surprised by the incongruently cheery atmosphere. The place is a veritable sea of bright yellow. There are yellow flowers on every table and behind the counter, and there's a huge yellow floral centerpiece near the door. There is yellow tile on the wall, a yellow painting, yellow lanterns, and the light fixtures hanging from the ceiling resemble upside down yellow umbrellas, much like the one Ted used to have.

Barney finds them a prime table in the center of the room. "This will be the spot where the dumping takes place," he announces gleefully as they both sit down. But before Robin can answer a waitress comes over wanting to take their order. "Two sundaes," he requests. "One chocolate, one butterscotch."

Robin rolls her eyes at him. "I'm not upset, Barney. I don't need butterscotch."

"_Right_," he laughs. "Mama's not gettin' her sugar on the regular and you expect me to believe that's not upsetting?" He scoffs. "It's like poking an angry bear. Or in this case _not_ poking the bear….the really horny bear. Or should I say beaver?" he asks, tipping his head at her.

"Fine," she concedes. "That might be true. But so what? I have a healthy sexual appetite."

That's an understatement. Most women can't keep up with his sexual needs, but Robin met him hunger for hunger. "Oh, I know you do," Barney replies with just the right degree of suggestiveness to throw her off balance.

"Okay," she relents, her fingers nervously drumming at the table. "So I enjoy sex. I want it consistently, frequently. I crave it." She's making bold admissions but her eyes are locked on the far wall and her voice betrays a hint of defensiveness as she asks, "Is that really so bad?"

Barney's eyes trail over her face. Even her mildly dirty talk has him hot and bothered remembering the truth of what she's saying…..picturing fulfilling those needs right here and now. "Stop pretending you don't know I _love_ that about you."

Robin's eyes meet Barney's and the air between them crackles with electricity. Thankfully, to Robin's mind anyway, the waitress interrupts them then to deliver their sundaes.

Robin digs into hers with clear enjoyment, despite her claim that butterscotch wasn't necessary. Barney's brain short-circuits a little watching what her tongue is doing to the spoon but eventually he collects himself enough for conversation. "You are going to do this, right?" he asks. "Tomorrow, right here, you let him down easy." When she doesn't immediately respond, he looks up from his own sundae, alarmed. "Just make sure it's before 8 p.m.," he adds for good measure. He can see her tense up at that, but she doesn't yell at him this time.

"Do you know last night he wore the amulet to bed?" Barney laughs at that and she finds herself laughing right along with him because it is so ridiculous. _Nick_ is a bit ridiculous. And this whole situation with her and Nick, and being out tonight again with Barney, and always wishing that it could be Barney is certainly ridiculous. She shakes off the thought, taking another spoonful of butterscotch. "I haven't seen him since he left for work this morning, but he swore he was going to buy a second one to keep at my apartment."

"See, this is why you have to dump him, Robin. You deserve to be with someone who isn't afraid of his own shadow – and who doesn't weep openly because he once accidently murdered an ant when he sat on it."

Barney goes on listing all the stupid things Nick's ever done that he's witnessed or she's told him about, and while he's naming off all the qualities her boyfriend shouldn't have Robin starts thinking about all the things he should be instead.

What she wants is someone who knows her inside and out and somehow still likes her in spite of that…..Someone who knows her favorite brand of scotch and has it waiting there for her before she even gets to the bar…..Someone who, for her birthday – even though he was engaged to another woman – got her the prettiest little necklace with a gold bar in the middle that's engraved on the back in the most delicate font with one simple word: Scherbatsky. She's worn it constantly since his breakup.

Robin tunes back in to Barney's list of complaints about Nick just in time to hear him say, "What you need instead is someone who appreciates you. Someone who understands you."

She smiles softly at the sentiment, but her face melts into a frown as she realizes it means she really will have to dump Nick tomorrow. "Ugh, Barney, you're right." She digs into the butterscotch for comfort, scraping the sides of the dish to get all the syrup she can. "It's just, Nick's a great guy, and I hate to do this to him." She sees Barney open his mouth to argue some more and she stops him. "_But_ at the end of the day we're just not compatible on so many levels." She sighs and takes another spoonful for fortitude. "I have to do this."

"_Yes_," he nods his approval. "It's like I said, Robin, you need someone who understands you."

"That's really sweet, Barney." And it is. He may have twisted her arm in this but she knows he means well – and it turns out arm twisting was exactly what she needed.

Barney's brow crinkles up in mischief. "No, I mean _literally_ understands you, as in has the ability to comprehend the words coming out of your mouth."

"Shut up," Robin laughs, throwing her straw wrapper at him. "Nick's not _that_ dumb."

"And exactly how many times was it after you told him you were going down to the bullpen that he tried to pick you up at the zoo?"

She grins helplessly. "Twice."

"Do it, Robin. _Dump him_!" he repeats the words that have become his mantra. But then his expression and voice turn genuine and he backs it up with, "Please." She gives him a half-smile in return, one he doesn't fully trust, and for an agonizing minute he fears he's said too much, pushed her too hard and made his feelings obvious. So he backtracks with, "I mean, we both know it's for your own good. I'm telling you this as a bro."

Robin nods, they both finish their sundaes, and Barney goes home that night with a little piece of mind for the first time in months. Robin's going to break up with Nick and all's right with the world…..but he's still keeping that invite poised and ready on his computer, just in case.

* * *

><p>The next evening, Robin tries really hard to breakup with Nick but he's just not getting it. Barney's right; Nick literally doesn't understand what she's saying. He can't grasp that their relationship is over, and the whole situation is getting brutal when Nick's phone rings. Initially she's grateful for the momentary reprieve, but it quickly becomes clear that the call is bad news. Then Nick's second biggest flaw kicks in, the overemotionalness. He starts to cry, and now she knows she really can't do this tonight.<p>

She excuses herself to the bathroom – discovering it's yellow in there too; what is with all the yellow? – and frantically calls Barney, but all of her attempts to reach him keep going straight to voice mail. Desperate, she tries Lily, who at least picks up. "Lil, is Barney there? He's not answering his phone." She just prays that Barney's at the apartment because this thing with Patrice simply _cannot_ happen.

Over at Lily and Marshall's place, Barney hears that Robin's on the phone for him and his stomach drops. He knows what this is; she's trying to back out. He checks his watch, seeing that the deadline is fast approaching. Robin's going to plead with him and it's going to play on all his emotions, but he can't let himself weaken. This is for _her_ own good too.

Back at Splitsville, Robin can hear them talking in the background. She has no idea what's going on over there but at the moment she can't be bothered to care. "Barney," she calls insistently through the phone, "delete the Robin and Patrice BFF Funday invite."

He resolves to stand firm, asking her if she broke up with Nick yet, though he already knows the answer.

Robin gets it; she really does. She knows he thinks she's just chickening out like she did years ago with the job opening he made her apply for, or later with Japan, or the lottery ball girl and coin flip bimbo, but that's not what this is. "I can't. He – he just got some horrible call. I think a family member might have died or something."

Barney frowns. Now what? Robin was already reluctant. If some tragedy's befallen Nick, there's no way she's going to dump him now or maybe even ever, because one week will lead into two and then three and then forever. And Lily's bringing up all these sexual scenarios to Robin, which is only going to make her want to stay with Nick all the more, so he jumps in. "_You can't wait_. His groin will heal." He feels a growing panic that causes unfortunate hints of emotion to spill into his voice. "And then before you know it you'll be marrying a man who once ate a vanilla scented candle."

It's like Kevin all over again. He almost lost her then, and now it's worse because he knows for certain that Nick isn't right for Robin, and Robin knows it too. Despite her objections, he's _not_ backing down. He can't just sit back and let it happen this time. "The invite goes live in five minutes."

"What?!" Robin cries. Why doesn't Barney understand that she can't do this to Nick when he maybe just found out something terrible?.….Or maybe his team just lost again.

Barney can't take any chances with this so he lets her know the full stakes. "It goes out automatically unless I stop it and that only happens if I _hear_ you dump Nick on speakerphone before then." Nothing short of witnessing the total confirmation for himself will satisfy him.

"Fine," Robin sighs, switching her phone to speaker as she exits the bathroom. Walking back through a room full of jilted lovers, she realizes that maybe Barney does have a point. Maybe this isn't any different than all the other times she backed down and couldn't find the courage to take control of her life. After all, she _doesn't_ know that anything horrible happened to Nick. The man cries like that over a hangnail. She was just grasping at straws to get out of doing something unpleasant and difficult. But this is for the best. Barney's right; she needs this push. Sitting back down at their table, she promises herself, _okay, you can do this_. "Listen, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Listening in a block away, Barney nods hopefully. But then Nick interrupts Robin to say that the call was from his doctor, something about bad news with an MRI, and all Barney can think is this is just his luck. Then he immediately hates himself afterwards for being so selfish when the guy could be dying.

When Nick finally reveals that his groin injury is simply worse than they first thought, meaning he's off the team for the rest of the season, Robin is relieved for his sake – and for her own she starts to break up with him again…..until Nick explains that the news means they can have sex again.

The promise of imminent sex does sound good, but what's far more appealing to her is that it offers a way out. She and Nick can go back to sexing their way through a relationship, just like they had all summer long, and she can keep on maintaining the safe status quo, where she doesn't have to put herself outside of her comfort zone or take scary risks that could result in devastating heartbreak. She can just float along on a sea of ease, and sex, and no ill-advised, overpowering feelings whatsoever. "Listening," she tells Nick.

That's when Barney knows that even his backup plan of the invite has failed. Robin is caving and he can't let that happen. He won't. He's fighting for her this time. "Exiting," he declares, leaving the apartment with determined strides. He's going over there himself. He has no idea what he's going to say. He guesses he'll just pull Robin aside and try to talk some sense into her in person.

Back at the restaurant, absolutely clueless that Barney is single-mindedly heading her way, Robin makes one last feeble effort to do the right thing. But then Nick starts kissing her and she just goes along with it. Why not give in to simple, easy pleasure? She's had a tough year. Why does she have to make things hard on herself and go back to hurting again?

Barney walks into Splitsville and his eyes go straight to the table they'd picked out the night before. When he sees Nick kissing Robin's neck, and that Robin is not only not breaking up with him but actually has her eyes closed in pleasure, something in him snaps and all thoughts of quietly pulling her away go flying out the window. All that matters is stopping this, getting her away from Nick, _right now_. He barges up to their table and this time goes completely over her head. "She can't go home with you, Nick."

Robin looks up in surprise. "Barney." She can hardly believe her eyes. She knew he was being persistent in helping her with the breakup but she never imagined he'd come here himself…and actually try to break up with Nick _for_ her.

"Why not?" Nick asks, completely at a loss as to what's happening.

Barney's out of breath and his heart is racing. He's held a tight grip on his feelings for far too long. But now, when it really matters most, emotion just takes over. Gazing down at Robin, he says the only thing he can think of, the truth. "Because Robin and I are in love."

Robin blinks rapidly in absolute shock and her world reels, but then she quickly realizes what he's doing. Of course; it makes sense now. He's lying to Nick to give her an easy out. He thinks he's doing her a favor. The realization mildly upsets her, both the irony that he doesn't realize the unfortunate one-sided truth to his statement and the fact that for a second in time her hope stupidly swelled that he might actually mean it. "Barney, what are you doing here?"

Barney turns his attention from Nick back down to Robin. He didn't miss the tone of annoyance in her voice, and if even the smallest part of him dared to believe in the tiniest sign of possible agreement from her that hope was quickly dashed. But he's not giving up yet. If she wants to know what he's doing here, well then he'll just tell her. "Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own."

Robin looks away from him and sighs. She doesn't need him complicating this any more than it already is. If he had any idea of even half the feelings she's forced to bury for him than he'd gladly pawn her off on Nick.

"I'm sorry," Barney presses forward, directing his statement toward Nick again, "but you and Robin are done."

"What?" Nick cries. Barney can't help thinking that for someone who was so jealous of Robin's closeness with him just the week before, Nick sure is slow to catch on. "Robin, what is this?"

Robin appreciates the concern and misguided good intentions behind Barney's actions, but he's only making things worse. How exactly is revealing feelings for another man, and even implicating a possible affair, going to make a breakup any smoother for Nick or for her? "Barney, look, I – I know what you're doing, okay. Please stop."

Barney looks down to Robin for only a second. He wants to tell her that she _doesn't_ know. He wants to tell her that he can't stop, _won't_ stop; someone has to end this madness. But he knows that his words will be futile, so he forges ahead in simply telling Nick the truth. "Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you." He smiles down to her to lighten the mood. "You're welcome."

Seeing his insincere smile is what tips the scales. "Stop doing this," she demands. And now she's starting to get mad. He thinks this is funny, an amusing game. And the idea of them actually being in love is such a joke to him.

Barney wants to grab her and shake her out of her willful ignorance, but she doesn't _want_ to see and how can he argue with that? He has to appeal directly to Nick, and in the process he gives Robin the over-the-top pretending she claims this is. "I _love_ her, Nick," he declares in his fake voice. "I love everything about her." He has no speech prepared. For once in his life Barney Stinson is completely without any clever plan, no infallible plays at his disposal. He just speaks from the heart, and as he does so his fake voice melts away, leaving nothing but sincerity in its wake. "And I'm not a guy who says that lightly. I'm a guy who has faked love his entire life." It all comes spilling out like dominos tumbling, one truth revealing another and then another, every word more meaningful than the last. "I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt." And it's true. Even what he once felt for Shannon couldn't come close to measuring up to the idea of love that Ted, and Marshall, and Lily went on about. He thought it was all just imaginary, until he met Robin. "But this woman…." He glances over at Robin for a tiny second but she's turned away, still refusing to acknowledge the truth. "….has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to." His voice cracks at the words "could not" because, oh, how he knows the painful truth of that. There's no breaking it. No ending it. Nothing. He will _always_ love her.

Listening to every last word, Robin sighs. This is what she's always dreamt of hearing him say, what she wanted so badly for him to tell her a year ago, and it hurts that it's all still make believe.

With raised brows and his voice full of expression, Barney adds, "And there have been times that I wanted to." He admits even that ugly truth, because loving Robin at times has been _torture_, the deepest kind of torture.

Robin turns sharply and looks at him then, her eyes firmly on his, searching. She doesn't dare hope, can't let herself believe…..but why would Barney include such a statement in a fake declaration of love? There are no hearts and flowers in _I wanted to break her hold over my heart by I couldn't._ That's too harsh, too bittersweet. No one would say that unless….unless it _is_ true. Unless it is real, unless he does mean it. Unless he's talking about last November. Unless he's saying that he _did_ love her then.

Her breathing comes faster now, her eyes pooling with tears, because that means they could have been together all this time. That means that _she_ ruined it and _she_ threw it all away by staying with Kevin, by getting scared and not believing. If it's real, then she broke his heart.

And then the rest comes out of Barney, the whole cathartic truth. "It has been…overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing."

Robin's eyes are glued to Barney's and it's almost too much to process. _Could_ he mean it? Could he actually mean it? Because if he does, then she'll give him anything, _everything_.

With such intense, deep emotion, Barney vows, "I am hopelessly, _irretrievably_ in love with her. More than she knows."

All Robin can do is stare at him, so full of shock and hope and _wonder_. It just seems impossible. No one in her whole life has ever loved her that way. She's a screw up. She's never been good enough. What are the odds that someone as awesome as Barney – the one man in the whole world that _she_ is hopelessly, irretrievably in love with – could possibly love her that way too?

He turns to look at her and their eyes meet, but she's unable to do anything but just stand there awestruck, so completely blown away. She's still not quite able to trust it. It seems too good to be true…..And yet he said it, and he's not running away.

Barney scans Robin's expression, tries to read her, but he's coming up empty. The only thing he sees is blind shock, which he supposes is to be expected. He's surprised too. He said way more than he meant to say. It just spilled out of him unchecked, and truthfully he's terrified of her reaction.

"Robin, is this true?" Nick asks. Hearing his voice, the two of them are reminded there are other people in the room.

_Is this true_? That's a question Robin can't answer with a simple 'yes' or 'no' because she really doesn't know. Up until the last minute she never would have believed that Barney could actually be in love with her. But on the slightest chance that he is, well, that's a leap she just _has_ to take. "You heard him."

Nick glances over to Barney and, man-to-man, Barney sends him a look of sheer pleading. He's well aware that any sort of rebuttal, any hint of emotion or even sexual coercion from him, will likely send Robin locked back in his arms for good. So, in that look, he begs Nick with all his heart, _Please bow out. Please don't take her away from me. Please, I love her so much._

Even as dumb as Nick is, he can see that it's true. He should have seen all along that they were in love with each. But it doesn't take him long to find comfort in someone else's arms – or two someone elses to be more precise. Nick ushers away the blonde with the long wavy hair who bears a sticking resemblance to Quinn _and_ the brunette who looks like Nora. Hand-in-hand, they all sweep past, leaving Barney and Robin there alone together with no more outsiders standing in their way.

Barney is intensely glad that Nick's gone and Robin is single and available again instead of lost to him forever but, even so, an air of awkwardness falls on him now that they're alone because he knows they're going to have to face this; they're going to have to deal with what he's just said. He clears his throat, finally turning to Robin. "Do you wanna get out of here?"

She looks around the room for the first time and sees all the patrons of Splitsville staring at them. "Yeah, I do."

Barney watches her grab her coat and put it on, occasionally stealing glances his way. She's looking at him differently now. He knows why, and he hates it. He's said too much. He's left himself vulnerable, yes, but on top of that he's put her in an uncomfortable, unfair position. She's wondering how she's going to handle this, what she's going to say, how to let him down easy. Even if she could ever love him back, right after breaking up with a long-term boyfriend is certainly not the time to put this kind of pressure on her. He just panicked and the truth came gushing out. But like the idiot he is, he's messed it up again. The timing is all wrong. He has to fix this somehow.

Stepping outside the restaurant and starting off down the street, Robin has yet to say a word. "I'll walk you home?" he offers tentatively, and she nods but still doesn't speak. He knows he's got to find some way to set this right, to put them back on even ground where she doesn't have to feel anxious and tense and uneasy around him. That's when it comes to him to do what he's been doing all of his life: wear a mask, adopt a role, play the whole thing off like just another one of his crazy schemes. "Good thing Nick believed that," he says, forcing into his voice a brightness that he doesn't feel. "I guess his gullibility came in handy after all."

Up until that moment, Robin's been quiet. She's too caught up in her own mind trying to process everything, trying to come to terms with all that she _thought_ she knew and yet everything Barney just said. But his last words manage to penetrate the fog. "What?"

This is the moment of truth, the moment that will determine if they can go back to a smooth course of being bros, or the same sort of frozen-out silence and non-friendship Barney saw her go through with Ted – or, hell, even they experienced themselves after sleeping together last year. If he ever wants any hint of normalcy with her, he knows he has to sell this for all he's worth. "You know, because he bought that so easily. Lucky for us, I'm such a good actor."

Robin absorbs this and tries not to let any trace of disappointment show on her face. He's taking it all back, then. He really didn't mean it. It was all acting. It was just to get Nick to break up with her. They turn the corner and Robin is still quiet, sadly contemplative.

Her silence unnerves Barney and makes him lay it on even thicker. "And the Oscar for best fake romantic speech goes to – Barney Stinson!"

Robin tries to smile slightly, shaking her head at him.

It seems to Barney like his plan is working, but just in case it occurs to him to bring up his womanizing; that should certainly convince anyone that it _must_ have been a trick. "I'd like to thank all the ladies over the years with whom I practiced fake romantic speeches."

When he mentions "all the ladies", her face scrunches up, upset at the reminder. She's trying to be normal with him, but it's hard when she thought she might mean so much more.

"And of course Robin Scherbatsky, for being so hypnotized by hog that she needed me to come and save her." He grins, and this one is a smile he doesn't have to fake. It's not very pleasant seeing it directed at someone other than him, but her sexual proclivity has always amused him and appealed to him too. It's yet another way they're alike.

Trying to keep it light, she takes a stab at their usual banter. "You know what? I didn't need your help."

Barney turns to look at her, his eyes narrowed in disbelief, as he reminds her that she was well on her way to jumping Nick if he hadn't come into Splitsville and stopped them.

Robin's tries to muster up at least fake outrage, but he does have a point. It wasn't exactly her finest hour. The sex thing was largely just an excuse, though, to take the easy way out and avoid the sexual tension between her and Barney that she knows she'll feel all the more now that they're both single. But _he_ doesn't have to know that.

….It's still so disappointing that it was all just an act. At first, no one was more skeptical than she was….but it sounded so real. Too real to not at least have _some_ grain of truth. "Well, I'll give you this, you were….." She hesitates, looking down. "….pretty convincing," she finishes, trying to barely venture there – but not too far, not too much, just in case she's wrong.

Hearing the hint of sadness in her voice, Barney turns to look at her. He sees her staring down at the sidewalk, her eyes steadily avoiding his, and he wonders. But, to be safe, he flippantly replies, "Hey, tricking good-looking idiots is kinda my thing."

Robin doesn't know why at that moment she finds the courage to finally speak up and question him. Maybe it's that she knows Barney. She knows when he's being skeazy and fake and all "Challenge Accepted!" and lost in his plays. But she also knows when he's being real and genuine. The words of his speech were convincing but it was also the _way_ he said them, with very real emotion in a voice she knows every last inflection of. That was his Real Barney voice, the one he only uses when he truly means it. The one that, come to think of it, she's really only heard him use with her.

Not only was it his Real Barney voice, but there was real feeling on his face and in his eyes, especially when he looked at her. He may be a master of manipulation and lies and fake romantic speeches but he's never, ever used one on her, or about her, or anything to do with their relationship. And the things he said weren't trite and practiced, as she's heard him use on others. They were so utterly, achingly beautiful.

Maybe it's that he's right. He has given a lot of fake speeches, said things he doesn't mean, told blatant lies to get out of uncomfortable situations. She's heard it. She's seen it…..And the thing is, the way he's looking at her now, selling his I-was-only-pretending story, _this_ is his fake face and voice.

So she reaches up and puts her hand to his chest, stopping him. "No," she says, moving to stand in front of him, making him look at her and answer this. And, instantly, that wipes the fakeness away.

Barney feels his heart sped up, both because she's figured him out and she's going to pin him down _and_ simply because she's touching him. How is he supposed to fight this? Does he really want to? Does it even matter anymore if he lets it all be sincerely out there, lets her know he loves her desperately and he's hers for the taking? Does pride even matter at this point?

All the while Robin holds his gaze, not shying away now. The chance that his love for her might be real is too intoxicating not to follow up on. "I mean, you were…_really_ convincing," she tells him softly, letting her hand move ever so slightly over his chest, stopping just short of a caress. _Just tell me you mean it. Tell me it was real, and I'm yours._

He looks at her and he sees something in her eyes, something that looks like yearning, for _him_. His lips form a half-smile. Could he have been wrong about her all along? He feels her hand flex slightly against him and he glances down to her fingers splayed passively over his chest, where they belong. His smile broadens as he looks back up at her.

Robin gets the message in the very pointed way he looked down at her hand on him. She's overstepped the boundaries; she's coming on too strong. Embarrassed, she looks away, immediately removing her hand.

Barney notices the movement, the awkward reaction, and his smile turns to a full-fledged, heartfelt grin. She's feeling something too. It's not just wishful thinking. There's something to this. To the way she keeps insisting that his speech sounded real. To the way she's looking at him. To the tentative yet insistent way she touched him, as if she's wanted to all along. To the way she shot her hand away from him like she'd been caught the moment he acknowledged the touch.

Now he could throw himself at her feet, and truthfully that's his first inclination, but that's usually just the thing to scare her away. So he slowly tests the waters. "_Please_. I was broing you out."

Robin flinches ever so slightly. There can be a million things she thought she saw, but nothing is clearer than his scoffing at the very idea that he might love her still. And, really, why on earth should he?

Her eyes don't leave his, and in them Barney sees a distinct air of vulnerability but also of pain….because he's saying he didn't mean it….She wants him to mean it, doesn't she? That realization is too heady to temper and he dives in the rest of the way. "I'm just glad he bought it so quick." He steps closer to her. His heart is racing and heat floods his body.

Robin watches his eyebrow rise, and he says in that soft, playfully suggestive way he used to speak to her and she misses so much, "Any longer….I'd've had to kiss you."

He holds her eyes for a moment and an open flirtation dances in the air between them as he smiles, his eyes drifting down to her lips.

Her eyes flit over his face and she smiles back. If he hadn't walked into Splitsville, she'd be at home having sex with Nick right now. But this that she's doing with Barney, this rush, this amazing feeling just hearing him talk to her this way, having him look at her this way, it's better than any sex with Nick – or anyone else – ever has been. And if Barney had kissed her, if he still does, if he comes home with her, and they undress each other and passion takes over, it will be so much _more_ than anything anyone else could give her.

Barney can't look away from her mouth, but he doesn't need to. He's already seen every opening he needs. He can't even begin to put into words how much he wants this. He takes that last step closer until their lower bodies are pressed together, and Robin meets him halfway. They're both leaning in, ready, oh so ready for each other.

They are just on the precipice of something amazing when Robin's phone rings, shattering the moment. She was so close, so close to what she'd wanted for so long. She lets out an exhale of deep frustration as she reaches for her phone.

Barney had looked down the moment the call interrupted them, but hearing her soft little sigh he glances back up and reads disappointment on her too.

Robin brings the cursed phone to her ear without even looking to see who the person is who's just ruined their chance at a kiss. "Hello," she answers, sounding far less than happy at the interruption. All she hears is squealing on the other end. She finally makes out, "Oh my god, Robin! BFF Funday!" And, yep, this would just be her life. Not only does she not get to kiss Barney, but it's Patrice of all people who stood in her way. And now she must face the hell that is a BFF Funday with her.

Barney looks over at Robin sheepishly. He knows he's going to hear it from her, but his heart's too light to care.

Robin struggles to get in a word edgewise through the continued screams. "Yeah, uh, let me call you back…Mm-hmm…Yeah…" Finally she gives up on politeness and ends the call while Patrice is still talking. Her eyes go accusingly to Barney, but even with an imminent twenty-four hours of girl-time with _Patrice_ staring her in the face she can't summon the murderous glance that she should.

Barney grins. "You know what I forgot to do…." Robin playfully shoves him like they're two teenagers at the amusement park, flirting and playing around with each other, and it makes the moment that much better. "Hey, it was a perfectly unintentionally oversight," he tells her, not even bothering to contain his laughter. "I didn't have time to think about little things like that." At least it's a true defense.

"_Sure_. And it's not little," she tries to insist, but she can't help laughing along with him at his adorably amused expression. "Do you have any idea what I'm going to be subjected to?"

"Oh, it'll be good for you. You need more girlfriends. I know most days Ted does seem to quality. And, all things considered, it's easy for you to forget. But he _does_ have male genitalia." She laughs at that, shaking her head at him, and he smiles. "And, hey, there's nothing wrong with surrounding yourself with a few worshipful people. It'll be great for your self-esteem."

"Yeah, right," she laughs again, bumping his shoulder with hers. "You're not the one who has to deal with Patrice one-on-one for a full day." He just grins and she reaches up and tugs at the lapel of his coat. "I'm serious. The next time we're out at the club you're treating me to cigars _and_ scotch." He nods dutiful, but the smile is immovable from his lips. "_All night_," she reiterates. Her phone rings again before she can say anything further. This time she doesn't even need to wonder who it is. Taking a deep breath, she answers with a longsuffering, "Hello?"

"Robin, you accidently hung up on me before I was finished," Patrice clamors. "And I have so much more to tell you about – "

Robin tunes her out, looking up at Barney instead.

His eyes full of wicked intentions, he steps in closer to her. "Robin's super excited!" he shouts towards the phone. "She can't _wait_ for BFF Funday!" Laughing, Robin holds a finger up to his lips, shushing him, and it's all he can do to keep himself from hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her to him, claiming the kiss that should have been theirs.

But maybe it's better this way, he thinks, still grinning like a fool. He gets the fun of watching her squirm on a girlfriends' day with Patrice, and it gives her time so he's not swooping in right on the heels of her breakup.

But eventually they _are_ going to have that kiss.


	31. 807

**The Stamp Tramp**

In the days since Robin broke up with Nick, since Barney barged into Splitsville and his heart burst free to do all the talking, he's had a lot of time to think. What he realized definitively is how very much he loves her, and that it's _never_ going to be anyone else but her no matter how hard he tries. And he doesn't want to try anymore. He doesn't want to settle for anything less than Robin. He never did; he just used to think he _had_ to.

But he's also done a lot of thinking about what happened _after_ his speech to Nick. It's what happened after that makes all the difference. He was ready to backtrack, to do damage control to save the friendship, but what happened next surprised and delighted him. What happened next is what's got him still thinking now, has him hoping for the first time in a year.

There was absolutely no mistaking Robin's behavior – questioning him about his convincing "acting", smiling when he suggested kissing her, and then leaning in to meet him halfway when he attempted to do just that. She was open and receptive to his declaration of love. He could read it in the things she said, in her body language, in the way she touched him and, most of all, in her eyes. He could read it all – the shared feelings, the returned affections.

But he could also read such vulnerability and even fear, and for the first time it just clicked for him: Robin runs away from him over and over again, but it's _not_ because she doesn't love him. It's because she's _afraid_. She's petrified it's going to be like before when they fell apart and couldn't make it.

He wasn't ready back then, and he doesn't think she was either. They had more growing up to do before they could ever be ready for something as huge as this love between them. But she never did see their breakup properly. That's why she's still so afraid to give them another chance now. She's terrified he'll grow tired of her or bored with commitment, like she thinks he did before, and then it will all come crashing down. He'll go back to his womanizing and he'll hurt her, just like before. Hadn't she told him that back then? She genuinely believed she was just another number to him, a thought which seemed so ludicrous it had never even occurred to him. And just last fall, in the back of that cab on their way to stop Ted from hooking up with Zoey again, Robin had to shyly ask him if there was _ever_ a time when he really did love her. That tells him all he needs to know about her fears and his shortcomings. He never made her feel loved, certainly not enough. He didn't show her the way he should have…..and he didn't tell her. Last November, on the night when she broke his heart, he now realizes that even then he never told her. He didn't give her any reason to meet him, to choose him, to believe he was earnest in his feelings for her and the things he hoped for the two of them.

If they're ever going to be together again – and he wants that more than anything in this world – then he's got to show her that he's changed, that he's serious, that he's _in_ this. He wants her – and_ no one else_ – for life. He has to show her he loves her, and he means business.

They can overcome her fear together but, in order to overcome it, he first has to make her acknowledge it herself. That's easier said than done, though. Look what it took to get _him_ to acknowledge and face his true feelings again. It took almost marrying the wrong woman and almost losing the right one – yet again – to another man before he woke up, faced his own heart, and decided to take his life back into his hands again. It's going to take something just as strong and jarring to make Robin deal with her feelings, her fear _and_ her love. In fact it might take something even stronger for Robin. He's never seen anyone run so hard and fast from emotions and feelings and vulnerability as she does, even more so than him.

So how can he make her see that he does love her more than life itself, and he _is_ serious about this, about her, about _them_? He could simply tell her all that, admit that everything he said at Splitsville came right from the heart and he meant every word. He doesn't want to just get in her pants, or have one last fling; he wants forever with her. But Robin knows him inside out, certainly well enough to know that he'll lie to a woman without blinking to get what he wants. _She _is different. She's always been different, but of course she doesn't realize that yet. That's their entire problem. That makes it impossible for him to just tell her and expect her to believe it at face value.

No, he has to _show_ her. He has to show her in a way that is undeniable, unequivocal, one hundred percent cards-on-the-table, _I-am-yours_ incontrovertibility. It has to be that substantial and unmistakable. He can't do something lame either, like steal a blue French horn, not with Robin. As Ted learned, that doesn't work very well with her, and that's not his style. But it does have to be the grand gesture from him, the Superdate they never got to have, the romance and effort she thought he never showed. But the grand gesture also has to be _in combination_ with giving Robin the nudge she needs to face her own fears and feelings.

Barney thinks back to that conversation they had at the shooting range four months after breaking up. He remembers how sad Robin was, how the tears rolled down her cheeks. And he remembers the devastating, nauseating knowledge that _he_ had hurt her so deeply. Remembering that day, it suddenly hits him, the very best way to show Robin that he's done with womanizing and sleeping around and that what he feels for her is real and true and the only thing he wants for the rest of his life. The best way – maybe the _only_ way – to prove that to her is by destroying the very symbol of that old lifestyle, the thing she hated and despised the most, _The Playbook_. The thing he turned to after their breakup in hopes that after enough 'perfect weeks' and screwing of clueless women he could somehow bang himself out of love with Robin. Never worked, never could. But he broke her heart in the process, something he always has to live with, something he got a very painful lesson in exactly how it feels a year ago.

That old lifestyle, _The Playbook_ and all it represents, has kept them apart for years. But he doesn't want it anymore. Even back then, the game of it – the plotting and predicting and always staying one step ahead, even the playacting – was always more fun than the actual sex. If he's truly honest with himself the actual sex just left him feeling worse afterwards. The fleeting, one-dimensional, meaningless physical pleasure wasn't ever even close to enough to shake off the demons for the rest of the night. It only magnified them.

But the flipside is that he's really good at running plays. That's why he kept at it. And before he professionalized it, _personalized_ it, before he made it into a concerted effort to prove to himself and the world that he could get over her effortlessly, Robin actually enjoyed that part of his plays too – the intelligent construction, the well-crafted game, the _effort_ of it all. She'd even helped him more than a time or two by playing along and taking part, or simply cheering him on from the sidelines like a member of the audience at an exciting play. She could always appreciate the fun and zaniness of it, the rush of the improv and calling it all ahead of time and then watching it go your way.

He thinks back on all of the non-sexual bets and schemes they ran together which were really just plays in disguise – the Murtaugh list; chasing Ted around town, anticipating his every move, to prevent Zoey-gate 2.0; way back in the Metro News One days when he paid her to spank herself on air and she called it unprofessional and immature but willingly and continually played along; their night at the Natural History Museum breaking all the rules and touching everything in sight. And wasn't that _them_? Didn't they always break the rules? What more fitting way to finally come back together then to break all the rules one last time?

And so it comes to him exactly how to accomplish both goals, the grand gesture to show Robin he's serious about her _and_ making her face her feelings too. It can all be accomplished in one ultimate, magnificent play – his pièce de résistance, the final page of _The Playbook_ and the last play he'll ever need to run because rather than win him a one-night stand with some random gullible woman he'll never see again, it will win him forever with the love of his life.

Now that he's arrived at it, it seems like brilliance. It seems like genius. It seems like such a Barney Stinson thing to do. That's what she asked of him all those years ago on their 'first date'. She told him she wanted him to be inappropriate and fun and _Barney_ – and that's exactly what he's going to do.

Barney grabs _The Playbook_, flips to the back, and starts to plan. There's only one proper, fitting thing to call this last and final play, the one thing in the world that took him down years ago and will now guarantee – at least he _hopes_ – he'll finally get the yes: "The Robin".

The first thing he decides is that this play absolutely must have sixteen steps to counteract the sixteen no's she once gave all those years ago denying they were a couple; he's still never forgotten that. The second thing he knows assuredly is that this play will end in a marriage proposal. That's what he wants from her – marriage, a lifetime commitment, the rest of forever. Nothing else will do. The proposal will be the ultimate conclusion of the grand gesture, the final, most important piece of the puzzle that transforms this from just an elaborate play to win a girl to a once-in-a-lifetime entreaty for a permanent commitment to each other. That's why when he finally shows this to her – and he already knows he eventually will – that part has to be the surprise waiting on the other side, just like she's been in his life. So he starts Step One halfway down the page to ensure that Step Sixteen is all by itself on the back.

But where to begin? It's a good question and one he quickly figures out the answer to. Really, he's already begun without even realizing it. He couldn't have arrived at this place of writing the play-to-end-all-plays without first coming out of his own denial. Therefore, Step One must be: "Admit to yourself that you still have feelings for this girl". That, he's already accomplished. It was crucial that he openly acknowledge his feelings for Robin again, and it was important that _she_ hear it too, even if she doesn't believe it yet.

Now Step Two and Step Three – and this is where it gets tricky. It's perhaps a little dangerous and certainly runs the risk of backfire. Maybe some would even consider it too far, too unduly manipulative, but he has a touch of Machiavellian to him and so does she. He knows Robin; she's so like him in so many ways. Though it sounds crazy, he knows that the one way to get her to face her fears is to first fuel them. Bring her to the brink; make her stare head-on at everything that terrifies her so he can then answer those concerns.

But only _after_ using a little reverse psychology and agreeing that she's right. If he tries to speak to her fears immediately, she'll only think he's being insincere. And she won't be ready yet herself. She'll have faced the fear but not the love. In order to get her to actually face her feelings for him, he'll have to give her a nudge, put her in his shoes. Tell her the door is closed, there is no hope for them anymore, no future, no possible someday. And then when the idea of that – and hopefully it will be an unpleasant idea for her the way it has been for him – sinks in, he'll really drive the point home when she watches him commit to someone else. But he's getting ahead of himself. Right now, he has to focus on perfecting Step Two.

In order to figure out how to best fuel Robin's fears he needs to dissect them. He's finally stopped letting his own insecurities get in the way and opened his mind to the possibility that she might actually love him too thanks to some illuminating behavior from Robin herself – like with the nanny incident, and Brover, and her reaction to his speech to Nick. Now that he's thinking in a clearer, less self-doubting way, it isn't very difficult to see the concerns that are holding her back from following her heart with him. Unfortunately, their number one problem, going all the way back to when they were together the first time and even her initial reluctance to be with him before that, stems back to his old lifestyle and past behavior. It's hard knowing the issue keeping them apart – what has always stood between them – is his own fault. When you live the way he did, so openly and flagrantly disrespectful of women and disbelieving in love and commitment, what else is she supposed to think? He could tell her, 'Baby, I love you. You're the only one for me', but how many times has he proudly boasted about indiscriminately giving that exact same line to random women to ensure an evening of sex or an easy escape the morning after?

The idea that he's a careless, reckless, forever-womanizer is a large part of what broke them up the first time. He can see that now with a disturbing clarity. The bag of panties she found, and then running into his former bed partner whose name he can't even remember but who he made the jerk move of comparing her to – those were two of the biggest fights they ever had. He should have treated her better. He should have gone out of his way to show her that the way he feels for her is different. Now he's got his work cut out for him to prove to her that he's changed, and he _loves_ her, and he's as real and serious about the two of them as a person can possibly be.

But before they can walk into that light, they first _have to_ confront the darkness. Robin thinks he can't help his womanizing behavior and he's only interested in sex from her. Well, then he'll just have to act that way to get her to admit those fears and accuse him of as much. To drive the point fully home, he'll touch on the other issue that plagued them during their relationship. Besides _The Playbook_, Robin also has a deep, abiding hated for strippers, or at least the time he's spent with them, so he'll work in the stripper angle too. It will go a little something like this: hang out at a strip club, then come on to Robin in a way she'll perceive as strictly sexual, just wanting to get laid by an attractive female. Let her go protective, turn him down, and run away because this is everything she fears about him. So he writes Step Two as follows: "Choose the completely wrong moment to make a drunken move after hanging out at a strip club….and get shot down on purpose".

Getting Robin to go to a strip club with him won't be an easy task, but he's pretty sure he's figured out a way. He'll tell them all that Quinn has gone back to The Lusty Leopard – which could be true or could be a lie; he has no idea since he hasn't been back there, or to any of the strip clubs. He'll say he needs a new place to call home and he'll get Robin to help him find one.

This way there's a built-in test too. Robin's reaction will actually operate as a reassurance of the success of his grander play. If she goes along with it, that proves she does care for him too, just as he suspects, because the only reason she would possibly agree is if she still doesn't want him at the strip clubs and she sees this as her only way to police which one he's goes to and what he does there.

Now he just has to put the step into motion and pray that it all works out the way he thinks it will.

* * *

><p>It's the week before Thanksgiving, but rather than discussing who's bringing the turkey or the likelihood of Slapsgiving III, Robin's sitting with Ted and Lily talking about Marshall's upcoming trial when Barney comes into MacLaren's and joins them. The first words out of his mouth are how tough it's been for him lately, and Robin holds her breath. This is the breakdown over Quinn that she's known has been coming for a good month and a half now. Sure, his speech at Splitsville had been convincing but he'd taken it all back for a reason. It hadn't been real, and everything she <em>thought<em> she saw was only a misinterpretation, including what she believed had been an almost-kiss right before Patrice called. She was mistaken about that too. If Barney wanted to kiss her, he would have by now. But he doesn't, and that's that.

She braces herself for his words of love and heartbreak over Quinn, but instead what he's actually talking about is his hunt for a new strip club since Quinn's gone back to dancing, reclaiming his usual haunt.

"I've been going to The Lusty Leopard for seven years," he bemoans.

As disgusting as that is to Lily, she's got to hand it to him. "Wow, that's like forty-nine in perv years."

He looks at her deadpan. "Sixty-nine. Self five!" he proclaims, and indeed gives himself one.

Robin laughs adoringly at him. She loves the inappropriate side of Barney; she never could help it. All at once she feels of pang of longing, of wishing more than anything that he _had_ meant the things he said.

Barney sees Robin's amusement and he revels in it. For the first time in years, he notices the ease with which he can make her laugh. He sees the way she looks at him and his heart soars because he's right about her and about them, and if he's just patient and plays this thing right he's got a real shot at being with her for life. But that thought's a little too wonderful to focus on just yet. They've still got a ways to go to get there. Advancing his mission, he regales her with stories about the efforts the strip clubs are going to in order to woo him, which in this case actually happens to be true; they've all been missing his business.

Robin sits and listens to Barney's tales about the strip clubs, and she's fairly certain that if people really did have auras hers would be green with envy – and that's disturbing knowledge. She grips her beer bottle with both hands, looking down at the scarred tabletop. She's jealous and she hates it, but she can't help it. She doesn't want him at a place that guarantees grinding to high on-pants percentages. Yet she shouldn't feel that way and she knows it. They're friends, bros. She needs to keep it together and just ignore all other impulses, bury all uprisings of feelings.

Marshall comes in before Barney can go any further and tells them all about how he ran into Brad again for the first time in ages. Hearing that the man is now fat and out of work pleases the petty part of Barney that's still jealous over the hockey game with Robin three years ago. His gloating is cut short though when, to his delight, Robin calls Marshall a 'stamp tramp'. It's exactly the sort of phrase _he_ might have coined. He loves every last ounce of proof that he's rubbed off on her over the years. Since he first realized he was in love with her all those years ago, he's tried not to be 'that guy' with Robin. But all this reflecting on their past, all her talk about how lame Nick was and how she's glad to be rid of him, the way she always laughs when they're together, it's all finally shown him that 'that guy' is part of what Robin _likes_ about him. He doesn't have to not be 'that guy'. He can and should still be that person instead of the neutered, fat, restrained guy he tried to transform himself into when they dated before. He can still be Fun Barney. He only needs to refine it a little. That's why "The Robin" is the perfect way to show her she's still getting the Barney she loves; only this is a Barney that's going to commit to her one thousand percent.

Robin is oblivious to any thoughts of love and admiration going through Barney's mind. In fact she's clueless that she even just spewed a Barney-ism at all until Marshall asks her to explain. She's more than happy to define her new term, and that's when it hits her why Barney gets such a kick out of making up new phrases and ideas and having everyone accept it as if it were a thing all along.

When Robin explains to Marshall that a stamp tramp is a person who loves everything therefore making his love and approval meaningless, Marshall attempts to defend himself but taking up for his horrible boss – which only proves Robin's point instead. "Stamp Tramp," she gleefully declares, and Barney just gazes at her, transfixed, with a lovesick grin on his face. She next declares Lily's stamp as golden and how everything she's doing, even the bra she's wearing, is because of Lily.

She sets her hands beneath her breasts to showcase them and Barney can't help but noticeably stare. It doesn't take much for him to look at Robin's boobs. When she's showing them off, he's a goner. He never has been able to keep his eyes or his hands off her, and when he hasn't had sex in weeks it only makes the problem that much worse. His mind's eye melts through her purple sweater and the imagined Lily-approved bra beneath to get to bare skin. He remembers the ladies well, every line and dip of them….their exact flavor….

Because he's in public he shakes himself out of the fantasy, but he still can't stop staring. Only after repeatedly and forcefully blinking can he manage to break the spell. He reminds himself he has to keep his mind on his ultimate goal, which is to be with Robin forever, not one night but _every_ night. He can't let himself be distracted by his desire for her. He has to stick to "The Robin" because, if he's right about this, there's a higher payoff coming at the end.

* * *

><p>The next day, Robin spends the afternoon with Lily and Marvin. Marvin's just fallen asleep and the two women are enjoying the Japanese takeout they ordered in when Barney walks into the apartment. He's all full of bluster on how the strip clubs want him so badly they're plying him with t-shirts and beer cozies and boob-shaped sanitizer dispensers. Robin isn't sure why this should interest her at all since she detests strip clubs and hates the very thought of him going to them, but there's something in it that just seems disrespectful. He's Barney's Stinson. He's spent thousands of dollars at strip clubs. He should be getting better swag than that.<p>

She advises him to go to Jersey and Long Island clubs a couple times, and he grins at her like she's ingenious. Not only is she taking the bait, but it proves that great minds think alike. Her idea that you don't fully understand how much something means to you until it's gone and belongs to someone else instead is wrapped all up in the final phase of his play. Once that thing is gone, it drives you crazy because you realize how much you love it, how much you _need_ it – and you make certain that you never have to be without it again. The fact that she knows this about others means it will apply to her as well, which makes him even more certain about "The Robin". "Wow. That's genius. You're hired," he announces, walking towards her with determined strides.

Robin has no idea what he's talking about, but he has that look on his face that speaks of fun and games and thrills to come. "What do you mean?" she laughs, turning to face him where he now sits at her side, the look on his face begging, _Come play with me_.

"I want you to be my strip club agent."

Yes. _Yes_. The word is practically bursting out of her. He begs her along and she _wants _to play with him, wants it badly, wants to dive with careless abandon into that world of exhilaration and mischief and _Barney_.

But then she looks off contemplatively because she knows she _shouldn't_ want that. The protective side of her that insists she should be grown up and responsible reads nothing but danger in those feelings. "What is wrong with you?" she argues with herself aloud. But she soon silences it, tells it to shut up. Rational Robin is taking a backseat; her heart is winning on this one.

Hurt flashes across Barney's face. Okay, maybe that was a little too direct, a little too easy. Maybe he overestimated his ability to touch her feelings. "Well, I just figured I'd ask if – "

"No," she corrects, "I'm talking to _myself_ because for some reason – " She turns to him, full of excitement in her expression and voice. " – I really want to do that!"

Robin sees him laugh with pure enjoyment and she laughs right along with him. Then they both feel the joint impulse to come together in a perfectly timed high-five. They always could feel those high-five moments and never missed a single one. Way back in their dysfunction, they could still match even Marshall and Lily on high-five compatibility. She giggles, feeling giddy and lighthearted and the best she has in months. Barney opens his mouth to tell her more but Ted comes in, interrupting them. He insists he is _not_ a piggyback stamper so they all settle in to mock him.

And when Barney reaches down and casually helps himself to one of Robin's sushi rolls, the woman who once freaked at the very thought of sharing food with a guy sits there and watches him freely help himself to her meal with an easy intimacy and it doesn't even phase her.

* * *

><p>The following afternoon, Robin really lets herself go overboard with this whole agent thing. Why not? She gets to have fun with Barney, and maybe if she obsesses over this it will distract her from wanting him so much and all the inappropriate feelings she still has for him. What she ends up discovering accidently is that she makes a really great businesswoman and she actually enjoys it a lot. There's a certain excitement and challenge to it that makes her fully understand how someone like Barney – which also means someone like her – would be drawn to the business world.<p>

Barney walks into MacLaren's at that moment looking for Robin. She'd called him and asked him to meet her there for lunch and an update on negotiations. Though he doesn't show it, he's a little nervous since this will be a mini moment of truth. He'd hoped if she took the job she'd hem and haw and stall about finding a place. That would go right along with his theory that she doesn't want him going to strip clubs at all because she still loves him just like he loves her. That's also why he threw a ringer into the mix, The Golden Oldies. There's no way a man would want to watch a bunch of old women get naked rather than a gaggle of nubile hotties, and he's made it very clear to Robin that Barney Stinson wouldn't either. So when he kept receiving gifts from them along with the other clubs it only increased his hope that he isn't mistaken about her feelings for him.

He spots her instantly and makes a quick stop at the bar before walking to their booth, scotch in hand. "So?" he asks her. But when he reaches her side he sees that she's in full haggling mode. There are contracts spread out in front of her, a stapler in her hand, and a Bluetooth in her ear. She looks every inch the professional. Ending the call, she looks up at him, laughing with a power high, and even though she's way more into this than he expected, he can't help but smile down at her, amused and impressed with just what a remarkable manager she makes.

"B-dog. Barndoor. Stinsonati, Brohio. Talk to me. How's it hanging?" She grabs his hand for a high-five, exploding fist bump combo.

Barney beams over at her with pride. "Wow. You are killing it at this agent thing."

She shrugs and takes a slug of scotch like it's nothing but his compliment makes her feel warm inside. She's embarrassingly pleased that she impressed him. He shows her the box tickets at Yankee stadium that he's acquired thanks to her negotiating skills and she smiles and nods, eating it up. Until he mentions The Golden Oldies.

Heat starts to prickle up her skull. He said he was open to negotiations with any club. The only one he told her to eliminate was Golden Oldies, but she just wouldn't – _couldn't_ – do it. Because maybe the other thing about this is that she can't stop Barney from going to strip clubs, where he'll be grinded on by all manner of bimbos….and maybe even meet another Quinn, but this way she _can_ control which club he goes to. It's wrong. On so many levels it's a wrong thing to do, for him and for her, but despite her guilt at playing this thing a little too personally she still acts casual, fiddling with her phone as if she's just so preoccupied.

Barney smiles inwardly because he knows exactly what she's doing. He also knows she's not about to admit it, but that's not going to stop him from boxing her in. "Aren't they out of the running?"

Robin buys a little time scrolling through the messages on her phone. Wondering what to do, she quickly settles on lying through her teeth. "Yeah, but those old bitches don't need to know that." It comes out in a sort of weird combination of hip-hop Jersey talk and her truth voice. She quickly looks back at her phone, cracking her gum, needing the diversion. She breathes a sigh of relief when he seems to buys it. What he doesn't know won't hurt _her_.

After she gets off the phone with her cousin Larry, Robin grabs her things and heads out. Being Barney's stripper agent is actually rather involved work. She has meetings all over town for the next two hours. It keeps running through her mind the entire time, _You know why you're doing this. You know why you're going to all this trouble_. But those reasons are best left unspoken, best left unacknowledged even by her.

* * *

><p>While Robin's out negotiating on his behalf – and hopefully striking up a deal with Golden Oldies, proving that she's in love with him – Barney pops upstairs to hang out with Lily and Marvin while he waits. Three hours later, he receives a text from Robin saying it's a done deal. Back at MacLaren's, as soon as he sees her he's excited. He just hopes she won't disappoint him. But he knows her, and for the first time in a very long time he's finally seeing things clearly – and everything he sees tells him he's not wrong about this. "So?" he says, sliding into the booth across from her. "We've got a deal somewhere?"<p>

All the way here Robin had to keep telling herself, _You can pull this off_. She really is fantastic at this agent gig. If she can go nose-to-nose with hard-bitten strip club owners then she can certainly convince Barney. She's not super proud of what she's about to do, but so what? This is so she can have peace at night. It doesn't matter that she shouldn't feel this way or all the reasons why she knows that it's wrong. This is about her sanity, so she's doing it anyway. _Just smile and nod, Robin_, she tells herself. _Smooth sweetness sells anything_. "We sure do." Taking a deep, calming breath, she reaches for the contract. "You are the new face of and _exclusive_ customer to – " She puts emphasis on the word 'exclusive' because after all that's the whole point of this, that it makes him legally obligated to stay out of all other strip clubs. Laying the contract down before him, she announces with all the gusto she knows he won't feel, "Golden Oldies." She gently pushes the document toward him for him to sign.

In that moment, Barney knows for sure. Robin has to realize how ridiculous it is to expect him to sign a contract to a place where the youngest dancers are in their sixties, and she wouldn't even try unless she had an ulterior motive. She _must_ feel something for him, something strong enough to go to all this trouble just to keep him away from the threat of strip clubs and strippers….and women like Quinn.

Suddenly it's so obvious to him, the way Robin seemed almost to be crying that first afternoon when he told her he was engaged to Quinn, how hurt she looked when he showed her the photoshopped pictures, and how she was upset enough to actually _tell him_ that it bothered her to see how completely he'd erased her from his heart. For Robin, that was monumental. He'd dismissed it afterwards because she never said anything more about it, or about the storage room, but of course she wouldn't. Robin's not the type to barge in and insist he marry her instead, even if that's exactly how she feels. But maybe that's the key to the two of them finally being together and Robin no longer running away; if, instead of him chasing her, _she_ is willing to put herself out there that way and freely come to him, asking just that.

With the Golden Oldies contract laying there in front of him, he knows absolutely that he's right about Robin's feelings and he's right about this plan. All he has to do is keep plugging away. But, rather than let all the elation show on his face, for now he has a part to play and he's got to play it well, so he whips up all the indignation he can muster. "What?! I thought we ruled them out."

"What? I don't remember that?" Robin replies, her high-pitched words running together in what is this time unmistakably her truth voice. Inwardly, she cringes.

Barney knows there is no way she could have just forgotten his repeated mentions that Golden Oldies was out of the running. But he doesn't say anything just yet. He simply waits.

Robin squashes down a momentary burst of nerves and decides that if she just steam rolls through it then maybe he won't notice how suspicious it all is. "No, uh, let's go. It's four o'clock and their dinner show starts in ten minutes." She enthusiastically grabs the pen. "So. There you go." She puts it down in front of him, willing him to sign and then his objections will be too late. She made sure this contract was ironclad; she even found a lawyer to draw it up.

Barney's half tempted to sign it just to see what she'll do, but he knows now is the time to really set his plan into motion. He needs to find the exact wrong moment to hit on her. He needs her to come out to the strip clubs with him, and the one way to do that is through shame and guilt – and in this case a bit of extortion. He'll accuse her of taking bribes, which he knows she _is_ doing; he noticed the difference in her jewelry the moment he sat down with her. But rather than being cool about it, like she imagines, he'll feign anger. She'll cop to the bribery before admitting her feelings for him. By way of apology, she'll offer to hook him up at a decent strip club this time, and that's when he'll make his move.

As she nudges the pen towards him in hopes he'll sign, the glint at her wrist catches his eye, and he decides this opening will do very nicely. "Wait a minute."

Robin tucks her hair behind her ear nervously. He's on to her; she knows it. Panic sets in, but then Barney grabs her wrist, drawing attention to her new watch, a gift – read: bribe – from Moneyballs. Okay, she thinks. Okay, this is good. Let him think she's been bought. That's preferable to the alternative, preferable to him knowing the truth.

"Is that a Rolex?"

"Wow. How did that get there," she attempts to play it off, but it's weak at best. She _did_ take some free stuff – why not? – but that has absolutely nothing to do with her decision. That was swayed by other impulses entirely, though just as ill-advised and out of control. Even so, swag or no swag, she needs him to sign this contract. "Anyway…." She leans over, pointing out the spots to sign. "Uh, so initial here."

As Robin leans across the table, her shirt gaps open, which without fail draws Barney's attention. What he sees, besides a hint of his favorite set of breasts in the world, is a better glimpse of her new necklace. He reaches over and grabs the chain low against her chest, right above her cleavage, taking his time in collecting both sides and making sure his fingers brush across her soft, bare skin in the process.

"And – " Robin stops short. She feels his hand at her chest and a flush creeps down her neck. Then she sees him pull the necklace out of her shirt and that cures her.

Barney glances down at the bejeweled dollar sign before looking over at her, pinning her with his eyes. "Where'd you get the bling, Robin?" She's still stalling an answer and he can read the guilt all over her. This is all going so marvelously. He waggles his finger at her. "They bribed you. _They bribed you._"

Robin silently tucks the pendant back into her shirt, still opting to let him think that and take this bit of Barney scolding rather than the embarrassment of him knowing the truth. Then he poses the question of the day: "Why else would you pick a place where the strippers say they're trying to put their _grandkids_ through college?" Why indeed? The answer isn't pretty. The answer makes her sick inside.

Laying the guilt trip on thick, Barney points at her and then the door. "Please leave."

He won't even look at her. Robin expected one of his long tirades about the injustice of what she'd done and maybe even a recitation of one of _The Bro Code_ articles, but never had she thought he'd respond with genuine anger. That she can't take. She sighs heavily, knowing she's going to have to tell him the truth – at least a watered down version of it; she can spin it as wanting to protect him from getting screwed over by future Quinn's, like any good bro would do. "Barney, I can explain, okay?"

Before she can get any further he cuts her off. "Please. Leave." He turns away, still refusing to look at her.

Robin closes her eyes and her jaw sets in frustration with herself. He's truly upset with her. She supposes the lesson to be learned here is that you never come between Barney Stinson and his strip clubs. Ever. No matter who you are. She quietly gathers her things, leaving without another word.

Robin had such a wounded look on her face as she left that Barney almost called her back. But, _no matter what_, he cannot weaken and waver. This is about the two of them together. This is about the rest of their lives. It might be hard now and it might even hurt a little, but it will be worth it all in the end. Isn't that the very definition of their long and winding road to each other?

Her reaction already is a very good sign. It proves she doesn't like upsetting him any more than he likes upsetting her. And it shows that being dismissed by him hurts her. So he'll bide his time some more over the next few days as he really puts "The Robin" into action.

* * *

><p>Robin goes home that night feeling absolutely horrible. She picks up the phone and starts to call Barney, starts to text him, wants to reach out to him countless times. But each and every time she stops herself at the last moment. What can she really say? <em>It's not about the jewelry. I tried to get you to sign with an elderly strip club because the thought of some young, hot woman grinding all over you makes me go a little crazy.<em> How can she admit that? Admitting that is akin to admitting jealousy, and admitting jealousy might as well be admitting feelings. She _can't_ do that. Not when _he_ hasn't admitted any feelings himself that he doesn't care to take back. Not when here they are, years later, fighting over strip clubs just like before. Not when the idea of the two of them together again for real is still so dangerous and scary and fraught with the possibility of heartbreak at every turn. So she doesn't call him and he doesn't call her.

Four days go by, during which Marshall gets back on the good side of his boss but Robin doesn't see or speak to Barney and it's driving her mad, making her completely nuts. She can't concentrate at work. Even Patrice makes a comment about how distracted and sad she seems lately. That's why, when she meets the gang at MacLaren's that night, she's already planning on breaking down and calling Barney to make amends. When he actually comes into the bar, she makes a beeline for him.

She spent the afternoon at work thinking of ways to make this up to him and she thinks she's hit upon the perfect one. She's torn because it's not what she wants to do at all, but Barney will love it and it will repair their friendship and that's all that matters. She doesn't like it, yet she _has to_ like it. Look what happened when she let her feelings take control before. As a result they haven't spoken in days. Those feelings and urges are bad and wrong. Didn't this whole strip club debacle prove that? People only get hurt – most of all _her_ – when she lets her heart rule for even just a moment.

As she walks over, she realizes her palms are sweating and she hastily wipes them on her jeans. Since when does a woman like her get frazzled at the idea of talking to a man? What is the matter with her? And why does it have to be Barney of all people that draws these reactions and all these _feelings_ from her?

"Hey," she says with a boldness that belies her current inner turmoil.

"Hey." He keeps it short and sweet, wants her to do all the talking and make the offer he knows she's about to make.

Robin closes her eyes in the way she always does when she gets nervous. It's such a childish impulse – if she can't see him, he can't see her – but she can't help it. At least he still thinks this is all about the free loot. That's a much easier hurdle to get over than the truth. "Barney, um, look, I'm sorry about the whole skimming off the top of the strip club swag thing." It makes her sound like a complete, shallow idiot, and she grimaces.

Barney gives her a little smile. He missed her and he's very much looking forward to their night out together. She'll rebuff him and he knows it. He expects it. Hell, he's _counting_ _on_ it. It's all a part of his play. But there's nothing that says he can't enjoy himself a little in the meantime. If nothing else, he's simply glad to see her and talk to her again. These past few days without her have been just no good. "Hey, it happens to everybody," he reassures her.

"Really? Because even as I said those words they did not feel like a real thing."

He nods, acknowledging the truth of that remark. Admittedly, over the years he's gotten into some odd situations that she always gets dragged into. Although 'dragged' isn't the proper word since she goes along without question and often completely voluntarily. You can't drag someone who's already running that way. She loves most of his schemes almost as much as he does. It's a truth that goes unspoken between them and why "The Robin" is the perfect thing to bring them back together.

Barney doesn't say anything more though, so Robin dives into her full plan just to show him – and herself – how cool she can be, and what a great bro she is, and that jealousy and feelings absolutely will _not_ get in the way again. "Hey, look, wherever you end up, can I have the dubious honor of buying you your first lap dance?" And if that also means that she'll be in a position to keep an eye on him while they're out…..well, that's just a coincidence now, isn't it?

Barney feels a little burst of delight at her words because it's all going perfectly. Robin, so sweet and vulnerable – offering to freely and willingly go to a strip club with him, and even buy him a lap dance, in hopes she can make it up to him and he won't be angry with her anymore – makes him want to hold her in his arms and tell that he's not actually mad at her and he doesn't want strippers; all he wants is _her_. It's too soon for that, he knows, but he can't resist showing affection in some little way.

He smiles happily down at her. Reaching up, he tenderly follows the line of her cheek with his finger and, looking softly into her eyes, he promises, "It's a date."

* * *

><p>The next night Barney meets Robin at her apartment and the two share a cab to Mouth Beach. Sitting in the close quarters of the darkened backseat, both of their minds immediately go back to their night together last November. They've never dared to be in the back of a cab with each other since. There's just something about the closeness and confinement that makes truths they've spent years hiding somehow come spilling out. This time is no exception.<p>

Robin apologizes again for the swag thing and promises to donate all the free jewelry to charity. Then, when a small silence lapses, she adds, "I really did miss you, you know…..We're both single now."

At that, Barney turns to look at her with clear interest.

She takes his raised-brow expression for surprise and instantly tries to backtrack. "I – I just meant _because_ we're both single now we're free to really bro out again." Barney nods but doesn't say anything, so she continues. "I missed hanging out with you. It's not the same with the others. Marshall and Lily are busy with Marvin, and Ted is….well, Ted."

A smile plays at his lips. "You need me to add a little fun to your life."

He expects her to argue and is surprised when she readily agrees. "I do. Having you mad at me made me irritable and annoyed. People at World Wide News noticed. Even Patrice could see I was upset; of course I told her nobody asked her."

"Of course," Barney laughs. "While my company _is_ stellar and desirable at all times, I do find it a little odd that you're voluntarily going to a strip club with me and even offering to pay. I didn't think you approved." Tonight is about making the wrong move – just as she'd expect him to – and getting turned down. But Robin still has feelings for him. And, right now, he can't resist pushing the point. Right now, in the back of this cab, he wishes he could skip through the next fourteen steps and go straight to the two of them together.

Fear speeds Robin's heart with the sure knowledge that he suspects the truth, and she hurries to misinform him. "I – I – I never said I didn't approve. Where would you get an idea like that?" He narrows his eyes at her and she gives up the pretense. "Okay, strip clubs are not my favorite place. But it's just _one_ dance," she reminds him. "I'm not shelling out my entire paycheck for you to get your jollies….Besides, I owe you."

Barney thinks on this for half a second before coming back with a solid counter offense. "What if I said you were absolved of all debt? We can turn around; I'll drop you back home and go to the club by myself."

That's the last thing she wants. She needs to keep an eye on him. And she truly has missed him. Even if it is at a strip club, she's been looking forward to their little date tonight…..obviously thinking the word 'date' ironically – and only because _he_ called it that first. "Nope," Robin insists. "True bros never shirk on their debts."

Barney grins. "Which article is that?"

"I don't know. Unlike you, I'm not so lame as to have the entire thing memorized," she teases.

"And yet you're the one quoting it and feeling honor bound to accompany me to watch ladies get naked." She looks away, defeated, and he laughs. "And if I'm so lame why do I have this," he asks, flashing a glint of silver from his coat pocket into his lap, "to start the party right now?" Her grin matches his as he surreptitiously passes her the flask.

He knows all this Bro Code business is a lie. He doesn't kid himself; since when do any of them other than him care about _The Bro Code_? No, she just wants to be with him. The thought warms him more than any whiskey ever could.

Which is exactly why he has to keep his eye on the goal. He'll fake drunk. His booze he can handle. It's getting high off of her that's the true and far more real danger. But he can do this. He's Barney Stinson and this is his last, greatest play, the one their very future depends on.

Lucky for him, Step Two actually allows him some delicious leeway. It's the next steps after that where he'll have to show true restraint. But, tonight, he's allowed to want her. And he's going to take full advantage of that.

* * *

><p>They're only a half an hour into their strip club experience and the girls are coming on to Barney left and right. Robin already can't take it. She wants to run home and grab her gun. Thankfully, she isn't carrying concealed tonight; she'd be far too tempted to use it. After that thought runs through her mind, she decides to get good and drunk to ease her murderous impulses. She'll need a river of Johnnie Walker to get her through this night.<p>

Another hour and several drinks in, Robin's feeling a lot better about it all – which is to say she's gone from homicidal to merely wanting to deliver a good beatdown to any dancer that gets too close to Barney. Mouth Beach would be the place he had to pick. She discovered early on that this is no second rate strip club. The dancers are beautiful and all end up completely naked, with many manners of unique talents to showcase both before, during, and after the stripping. She doesn't even want to think about what's going on in the private rooms.

At the image that puts in her head she orders another drink while hesitantly following Barney's gaze to the dancers on stage. Their bodies are depressingly perfect with the kind of curves and full breasts that guys go for, including him….Although he always did love her boobs, even though they are on the small side. Motorboating her was a favorite pastime of his, second only to actual sex. They once made a game of alphabetically going through various toppings for him to lick off her. S for sundae was his favorite – and hers too – when they put chocolate, caramel, and whipped cream on her all at once with maraschino cherries strategically placed over her nipples. And as far as talents go, he never had any complaints there either. She'd stripped for him a time or two, and then completely blew his mind…and a few other parts. He loved every minute of it.

"Robin, are you okay?"

Barney's voice cuts through her reminiscing and she looks over at him guiltily, hoping he can't read where her mind has been. She's not supposed to be thinking things like that. Bad, Robin, bad. "Huh? What?" she asks, distractedly.

"You look a little flushed." He eyes her with amused curiosity and what he sees has him grinning from ear to ear. "Why, Robin Scherbatsky, you're turned on right now, aren't you?"

"What?" she squeaks. "_No_. No, this – " She gestures at the lewdness around them. " – is all for you." Meanwhile she knows she has to rein this in somehow. She has to try to seem cool and loose and open to it, like a bro rather than like she's alternating between jealous insecurity and all the nakedness spurring on stimulating thoughts of their past sex life. "But if I were into this I'd make the observation that the third girl to the left has a pair that could lead ships in from the sea."

Barney laughs at that. One glance at the stripper in question tells him that Robin isn't wrong, but he's not looking at the women any more than just watching what's in front of him. Regardless of "The Robin", even in a room full of naked women his interests always tip her way. But they're in a highly sexualized atmosphere and he hasn't had sex in weeks – not even a one-night stand, not since he gave Brover back – and Robin keeps throwing back the drinks and getting looser with each one. She's clearly lying about being turned on. Sitting close beside him, she's softly rocking her hips to the throbbing music, which is doing nothing to cure his desire for her. He finally gives up and just openly stares at her. It's part of Step Two after all, so it's allowed….

Robin feels his eyes on her, and it takes her a minute but she realizes what he must be thinking. He's been good all night, only looking from afar, but he's eagerly waiting for that dance she promised to buy him. If there's one thing she can read on Barney Stinson it's lust. "I know, I know. You're wondering about that lap dance." She really is trying her hardest to be a good bro, but as she pays for the dance and the woman comes over to Barney, she finds it necessary to do a quick shot to fortify her.

To say Barney feels weird about getting a lap dance in front of Robin is an understatement. He's not into it at all but he has to act like he is. That's what the play dictates: make a drunken move after hanging out at a strip club. He has to make her think he's just drunk and horny, ensuring that he'll get shot down and afterwards he can "give up" on her. So he coaches his expression. He can't quite master full-on lechery for this random stripper but a least a look of plausible interest.

Robin stands back and watches it, sees the look on Barney's face, and jealousy takes hold. The dancer has her hands on Barney and is dipping her body into his, shoving her boobs in his face, and the jealousy turns to red hot anger. After what feels like forever but in reality is only about twenty seconds into the dance, Robin gets so worked up she physically pushes the woman off of Barney.

Barney is utterly shocked. He watches the stripper pick herself up off the floor while Robin just stands there, her expression as surprised as his. It's impossible to miss the overt message in it: despite herself, Robin doesn't want another woman touching him. This blatant show of jealous, possessiveness from her is far better than he'd hoped for at this point.

Stunned and horrified, Robin shakes herself out of her momentary stupor. She hadn't meant to do that. Feelings she shouldn't even be having got the better of her before she could stop them, and now she has to think quickly to smooth over the situation. She approaches the stripper with cool professionalism. "You think that's the right way to give a lap dance?" she derides. "My client will not stand for such weak, halfhearted grinding."

"Oh, really?" the stripper scoffs. "None of my other customers have any complaints, I promise you that."

"Well, none of them are Barney Stinson. He's used to far better than that."

Barney takes it all in with keen interest. He's never seen Robin fight another woman over him. Knowing her, the thought that it soon might come to throwing punches is not at all outside the realm of possibility. The idea is more than a little hot. His insecurities where Robin is concerned are endless and have been winning out for years, but seeing her get worked up this way does a lot towards stroking his male ego and further restoring his confidence with her.

"Yeah?" he hears the random blonde stripper shoot back, and she would be blonde too. He supposes Robin picked her because she thinks that's his type, but what he really goes for are saucy, brunette Canadians who get all fired up – in more ways than one.

"You think _you_ can do so much better? Then show me how it's done," the dancer challenges Robin. That suggestion certainly piques Barney's interest. Robin can do better. She _has_ done better. She has ways of blowing his mind into next Tuesday.

Panicky, Robin looks between the stripper and Barney. She hadn't seen this coming though she probably should have. But what can she do at this point? If she refuses it's going to look like she's backing down in the face of this woman, admitting her inferiority…..Or it might look like she's scared for even more disturbing reasons that Barney is sure to pick up on. She has no other choice. She _has_ to go along with it. She'll act like it's nothing, just friends. One friend can give another friend a perfectly friendly lap dance, right? Bro to bro? "Ah...sure. Yeah. Okay."

She's never attempted a professional lap dance before. Declaring herself some sort of expert was a foolish thing to do, but she wasn't thinking clearly at the time. She _has_ given a lap dance before to the very man in question, but in privacy, when actual sex was involved. That's entirely different from in public, with an audience, when they're not even dating but she spends her nights yearning for him.

Robin slowly straddles Barney, standing over him but high enough so that no vital parts are brushing – yet. He knows he could easily say something. He could intervene between the two women and put a stop to this right now. But why on earth would he do that? This wasn't part of his original plan but it will feed excellently into it. The polite thing to do would be to seem detached and personally disinterested in anything other than providing a meaningless demonstration, to keep his eyes trained on the far wall. But that's not how this is going to go down. He's going to watch her intently….and he's going to read her throughout.

After a second of simply standing there, Robin realizes she's going to need to do more. Cautiously, she brings her lower body closer to his until she can feel his heat envelope her. She finally lets herself meet his gaze and there's such an intensity there. It should frighten her, but instead somehow it sets her at ease. She spends so much time running scared from him, thinking, _This is Barney, this is Barney; I can't let myself go there with him_. But in times like this he seems to reach inside her soul and connect to something mysterious and innate and _breathtaking_. In times like this she's reminded this is _Barney_, her best friend, the one who understands her and never judges her, who speaks to her on a level that no one else ever has or can. This is _them_, and they make magic together.

Wanting a little of that magic just now, Robin lets herself touch him, resting her open palms against his chest, and the whole room and everyone else in it disappears for the both of them. She moves a little, starts to softly gyrate in rhythm to the music, and fire sparks in Barney's eyes. She sees it and it emboldens her. Slowly, she dips lower and his hands immediately go to her hips, his eyes locked on hers.

But it's the stripper who pushes Robin away this time, laughing to herself as she does so. "I don't know how you think that's any better. You'll never get tips that way. You gotta work the zipper, honey." She shoves Robin aside and takes her place over Barney.

Dazed and turned on, Robin is frustrated at the interruption, but then she looks over at Barney, who has turned his attention back to the stripper now dancing for him again, and more than anything Robin thinks she needs another shot of something _very_ strong. After drinking it, though, she discovers it doesn't help either. What she really needs to do is get him interested in her again, get his attention focused back on _her_.

Because she's drunk and jealous and past the point of rational thought, Robin jumps up on the stage and starts dancing with the pole, bending low and sliding along its length, down and back up. She looks to Barney and, just as she'd hoped, he's now staring raptly up at her, ignoring the stripper attempting to give him a lap dance.

Barney can hardly believe his eyes because Robin Scherbatsky is with him at a strip club, up on stage, making sweet love to the pole – and doing an excellent job of it; he's practically salivating. If she's going to be making love to any pole it should be his, but watching is all he can do right now so he'll take it. Robin starts rubbing and grinding against the pole, and he nudges the stripper off him, absently handing her several bills from his pocket so she'll go away and let him watch Robin.

Robin sees Barney, now alone, staring at her and she ups the ante. She's feeling hot and sexy and wild – and she has his attention. That's all that matters to her right now. To ensure she _keeps_ his attention in this room filled with distractions, she resorts to the oldest trick in the book. She turns to the other woman on stage with her, who's stripped down to nothing but a thong and is currently hanging upside down, legs spread, from her pole. As soon as she rights herself, Robin grabs her and begins dancing suggestively against her. At the hoops and hollers of the crowd, the other woman starts to play along. It drives all the men in the room crazy, Barney most of all.

It's completely outrageous behavior and she'll probably be ashamed of herself in the morning once she sobers up, but right now all that matters is that Barney is gazing up at her enthralled – and that look of lust is back in his eyes, directed at _her_ again. She even sees him wave off a different stripper offering another lap dance just so he can keep watching her. That's when things get out of control. She takes it a little too far, thinks if simply dancing together incites Barney then she'll throw in some light groping and see how he likes that. That's when the bouncer steps in. He comes after her, vowing to eject her from the club.

Robin's drunk, rowdy, Canadianess won't allow her to go peaceably into the night without at least putting up a good fight first, but the bouncer drags her away, threatening to taser her for resisting. Barney sees it all unfold and naturally comes to her aid, angrily pursuing them down a back corridor. The end result is that they both get kicked out and banned from Mouth Beach for life.

As they walk to her apartment, passing Barney's flask back and forth between them, despite all the alcohol in her system Robin knows enough to realize that an explanation is in order. When she wasn't having murderous rages over strippers touching him, she really did enjoy herself tonight, but she doesn't want him – or even herself, really – to put together what her wild behavior was truly about. Instead, she'd rather they both just believe she loves being single and broing out, and that's why she acted like she did. "Ahh, see, this is what I miss about being single…..Cutting loose at a strip club…."

Boy, did she ever. Barney knows this is _the_ moment, what all of intricate Step Two has been leading up. Their night at the strip club was full of sexual tension between them – even more then he could have planned – and he's already playing at being three sheets to the wind. For a little extra effect, he stares at her, not looking where he's going, and purposefully runs straight into a trash can.

"…Drinking some beer….seeing some boobs…gettin' thrown out for being too handsy," Robin continues, sneaking a peek at Barney.

"Yeah, you were a little out of control tonight." He dissolves into "drunken" but genuine laughter because she's just so amazing.

She passes him back the flask, laughing too. "I really thought that bouncer was bluffing with the taser." Okay, so that part never actually happened. She didn't actually get tased, but _he_ thought that. He'd tried to fight to help her and that's how he got banned along with her. As they were thrown out into the alley, she was all set to apologize for ruining his new strip club of choice, but then he told her how badass she'd been so she just let him keep thinking it. "Man, everything is gonna taste like pennies for a week."

She stops altogether and turns to look at him. She's had about five too many and everything is hazy around the edges, but she loves just being with him in spite of it all. She needs him to know that too. Grinning, she tells him, "I had a fun time tonight, though."

That's all the more opening he needs from her. "Me too," he agrees, capping the flask and preparing to make his move. "I always have fun with you."

Robin giggles and a flood of happiness washes over her to hear that he enjoys her company. He loves being with her too, and that makes her feel so good in a way she knows it shouldn't but she's too drunk to care at the moment. She just wants to keep on feeling good and laughing with him.

Barney watches her, her hands on hips and her smile as bright as the sun. She's so beautiful and he loves her so much. He's spent so very long holding back, holding it all in. But tonight, at last, he doesn't have to. Letting go, unleashing his desire for her if only for just a few seconds of time, is exactly what's needed.

He lunges at her suddenly, insistently, in exactly the wrong way to approach her and have her think it's about anything more than the physical. Cupping the back of her neck, he brings his mouth to hers like he's wanted to for ages. Their lips touch, and even though this is part of the play he's still kissing her – kissing _Robin_ – and it's like fire and heaven and everything rolled up in one.

He just launched himself at her so it takes Robin a moment to realize what's happening and to react in _any_ way at all. Her surprise combined with her slowed reflexes makes the whole world seem to stand still for a moment. All she knows is she feels him kissing her, his mouth on hers for the first time in over a year, and it isn't possible for her not to respond. Everything inside her _insists_. It draws her into him helplessly. His lips are warm and soft and hungry and…..she's wrong, this isn't helpless; this is willing surrender. Her hand unfurls and she reaches for him, her fingers tunneling up into his hair as she opens her mouth to him, deepening the kiss. She strokes the side of his neck, kissing him longingly, giving herself over to it completely. Simply _feeling_ – and what a rush of feeling.

Barney feels Robin responding to him more than he'd anticipated. Her fingers are in his hair, her hand cupping his face – and it's good; it's _so good_. He's needed her for so long. The taste of her. The touch of her. Her mouth hot on his. Her body, warm and soft and eagerly pressed against him. There's a passion in her kiss, an intense passion of a wanting they _both_ share, and it occurs to him for the first time: what if she doesn't turn him down? That would be disastrous. He wants this; he needs it – more of this, more of _her_ – but not just once and not in this way. So he steps things up, turns the kiss more aggressive, making sure she doesn't miss the clear sexual intent behind it.

Robin's clutches onto Barney's shoulder for dear life as his tongue slides into her mouth seeking hers hungrily, stoking and arousing and stimulating every part of her. She feels like she could kiss him forever. His hand glides down her body to the small of her back. Then he brings his other hand up to circle her hips, pulling her further against him, increasing the contact.

It's when he molds her body to him, pressing her hips into his, that changes things. The very pleasing but very real sensation wakes her up to full consciousness of what they're doing. Her apartment is just up the block and if she doesn't stop this now there will be no stopping it. They'll be having sex. They'll be stumbling inside and clumsily kicking the door closed and eagerly tearing each other's clothes off in a frenzy to come together as soon as possible, just like a year ago. There will be no stopping, or thinking, or breathing until it's over. And, just like last year, the moment it's all over the awkwardness and regret will come flooding in.

Robin starts to pull back, but Barney's mouth follows. He leans in, still kissing her, and she wants to give in. She wants to give in so badly. She's dizzy with the need to let herself. That's why she has to break free – because she's two seconds more of kissing him away from not caring at all and only wanting his mouth and his hands and his body on hers.

She puts both her hands to his chest and pushes him away. That small bit of space between them again is like a cold bucket of awareness raining down on her. "Whoa. Whoa. I've – I've got to – to –um – " In a haze of lust and need, she can't even form coherent sentences. She's got to think a minute, sort this out.

As she shoves him away, forcing distance between them, Barney feels a sense of victory with just a touch of defeat. This is exactly how the play is supposed to go. Everything is falling into place just as it should. Yet there's an eager, aching part of him that feels the immediate loss of her. But this is a long play. It's all about patience. And, for Robin, he can wait.

After breathing and thinking for a moment, Robin knows more than ever that she can't be a drunken lay to him after a night of getting worked up at a strip club. Maybe that's not entirely fair. She wouldn't be _just_ that to him, but still it would be a mistake. They both know that. They can't allow their attraction to each other to momentarily overshadow the fact that they suck at relationships – and he doesn't want one with her anyway. All the things he said at Splitsville were lovely, but it was a game. He's an expert at convincing gullible women; he made that clear. She's too old for games and too old for getting hurt, too old for getting her heart broken irreparably when she _knows_ better, when she's been there and done that and she knows how this is going to end before it even starts. She shakes her head, waving her hands in front of her. _No_. No, she can't let it happen again. "We can't – we can't do this."

Barney nods, playing along like he knows he was wrong and he'll take the full blame. "O-okay."

"Th-th-th-_this_ – " She gestures between them but can't look in his eyes lest she weaken, lest he read the all too real feelings in them that shouldn't – _cannot_ – be there. "This can't happen," she tells him with resolve. "Ah…" She makes the mistake of meeting his eye and it makes her flustered. She can't hold his gaze. There are still so many feelings she can't keep under control.

She sees him drunkenly weave toward her….and her body is still throbbing for him. She wants him, which is inconvenient. She loves him, which is impossible. Most of all, she has to get out of there. She has to run while she still can. "I – I – I – I've gotta go." She walks away, still dazed, just knowing she has to put some distance between them. _Now_.

"W-wait," he tries to say to her – after all, that's what she would expect. But, as soon as she's turned her back, he sheds the 'drunkenness' like an unwanted coat. Smiling, he watches her retreating figure, catching his flask in a little toss of celebration.

Everything that's happened in the past week – the way she agreed to be his agent, the way she insisted on Golden Oldies, the way she behaved at the strip club tonight, and the way she kissed him just now – leaves him more convinced than ever before that Robin is in love with him. He's a connoisseur of kisses and this one tasted like intense, heady, uncontainable desire. But it also held the inimitable flavor of _love_. It was there in the way she instantly reached for him, in the way she held his face like only lovers do, in the way she cuddled into him, savoring every last brush of his mouth against hers.

She _is_ in love with him, and he's in love with her, and "The Robin" is shaping up to be his best play yet. If things keep going this well, in just a few weeks' time he'll be laying it all on the line for her and, hopefully, she'll do the same for him.

But, for now, it's on to Step Three.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: Just to say that life got busy for a while, but I'm very much still writing this story!

I'm also so happy the show got renewed for a ninth season, and I plan to keep writing this story for the remainder of the series, a chapter for every episode. I was originally planning on merging this story with my post-reunion story "The Season Of Us" once B/R got back together (so from 8.13 on), but now I'm thinking that will probably be too complicated. Let me know what you think.


	32. 808

**Twelve Horny Women**

The next morning, Barney wakes up with the taste of Robin still clinging to his lips. It's a perfect reminder of why he's doing this and just what's at stake. Today is a Sunday, which means no work and all day to perfect his play. It also means he'll be seeing Robin tonight. Sunday night beers at MacLaren's is a fairly new tradition of theirs, established earlier in the fall after the whole your-problems-don't-matter-to-us debacle that spawned out of Marshall and Lily's _Who Wants to be a Godparent?_ game, but it's one they've all followed religiously ever since.

Knowing Robin as well as he does, he already knows exactly how she'll deal with his "drunken" come-on and their subsequent passionate kiss – and the fact that she took equal part in it. She'll ignore it. Therefore, so will he, only he'll add in an extra degree of embarrassment to match his 'jilted lover who's been rejected one too many times and now lost interest' persona.

He takes out _The Playbook_, flips to the secret last page, and writes in "_Step Three: Agree that you two don't work, locking the door on any future you could have together, which will drive Robin nuts._"

Maybe it's a bit extreme what he's doing to her, lying and pretending in order to manipulate her feelings, but he used to do the same and more to any comely, gullible woman he met. That was the very basis of the now defunct _Playbook_. At least this time he's not doing it for cheap, meaningless sex. This time, his intentions are nothing but honorable, an absolute first for a _Playbook_ play and why it makes "The Robin" the most significant play ever and the _final_ page of _The Playbook_.

It might be radical and borderline inappropriate, but he knows without a doubt that it's necessary. The reason he can know that with such surety is because it was necessary for _him_ too. He and Robin are the type of people who always put things off for the future, especially difficult, complicated things. Even after they broke up, particularly since the fall after their breakup, there has been this unspoken feeling between them, this future possibility that someday they might come together again. As time moved on and they dated other people still that possibility never disappeared.

But he lost that hope last November when she stayed with Kevin. It was a low point, an agonizing feeling, an emotionally tumultuous time, an utterly devastating place to be in. That's when _he_ went crazy. Everything in this past year, truthfully, has been him going crazy. Robin called it a "cry for help", and she mistakenly thought it was over Quinn, but he calls it "_Barney goes nuts"_, a precursor to Step One of "The Robin".

Thinking he'd lost her for good was simply too much for him to handle. Everything since that night – from momentarily latching on to the thought of a baby, to going back with a vengeance to the strip clubs and meaningless sex, to clinging onto the idea of Quinn because her initial cleverness and jibes at his expense reminded him of Robin when they'd first met, to even asking Quinn to marry him – was all a product of him losing his mind a little at the thought of facing a future that could never include him and Robin together.

Seeing Robin in Splitsville, _yet_ _again _almost staying with another man – this time one she freely admitted she didn't love – knocked him out of that craziness and brought him back around to clarity such as he hasn't had in years. And the man who came out on the other side of all the craziness is one who's now ready and willing to do anything and everything it takes – to put it _all_ on the line – to win Robin back and see that he never loses her again.

As awful as it was for him to go through all that, it was necessary to show him how awful a future without her would be and how very much he doesn't ever want to experience that again. Now he has to bring Robin to that same place, drive her nuts in that same way, so she can come to that same conclusion. Otherwise she'll just keep drifting along under the comfortable assumption that maybe Future Robin and Future Barney will hookup again someday. He has to kill that hope for her in the same way she unintentionally killed it for him. Then she'll see, just as he did, what a dark place the future forever without each other is.

One might think his summer-long engagement with Quinn would have sent the same message to Robin, but he's not kidding himself. Despite the fact that they were living together and were engaged for several months, he knows that his relationship with Quinn doesn't count. In the back of his mind, even in the midst of his crazy, he himself always knew they weren't permanent. It was written all over his behavior, how he'd _say_ he wanted a future with her – just so he wouldn't have to be alone – but yet he never actually changed his behavior. No, he wasn't sleeping around; Shannon taught him all those years ago why cheating was absolutely unacceptable. But he was still checking out and brashly commenting on hotties at the bar – alone _and_ in front of Quinn; watching her friends strip for him and even receiving the occasional lap dance from them; keeping his sex partner scrapbook under the bed and reliving the good times when Quinn was out of the room; displaying _The Playbook_ in a place of honor on the mantle; having explicit phone sex to "help Ted out of a bind" and getting off a little in the process; and never once throughout their whole relationship allowing her even one single item of her own to muck up his perfect bachelor pad.

No, Quinn wasn't permanent and she wasn't even close to life-changing. Based on her reaction to his prenup, Robin could see that plainly too. In order to truly make Robin lose all hope the way he did when she chose Kevin, this time he has to play things differently: the way he would if he was with _her_. And in the process, while she's going nuts, he can prove to her how he's changed, how he's now willing and able to change his life and his habits and transform everything bad about himself into the guy she needs him to be. He _can_ change because he already has. He's changed for _her _– before he even wanted to and without even trying. Robin has been the one, the _only_ one, to change him. _She_ has been that life-changing force for him and he has to show her that.

Of course, at first, she'll think all of these changes are for someone else. That's necessary for now in order to facilitate '_Robin goes nuts_' and induce her own subsequent self-admission of how much she loves him. But eventually he'll tell her that it's all been for her. Eventually, if he plays this thing right, he won't even have to tell her; she'll be able to see it in everything he's done, the very lengths he's gone to just to get to this place of begging at her feet, wanting nothing more in this world than a marriage – than a lifetime – with _her_.

* * *

><p>Getting ready to go to MacLaren's and meet the gang, Robin has absolutely no idea what seeing Barney again will bring. The night before – after their unexpected, intense, and completely inappropriate kiss – she'd gone home and gone to bed still wanting him. A part of her was relieved to have escaped unscathed, but another part of her cursed herself that he wasn't laying there beside her. The entire evening together reminded her of how much fun she has simply being with Barney, even under less than ideal circumstances, and actually kissing him again reminded her of how <em>alive<em> she feels whenever they're together that way.

She spent the entire night tossing and turning, only sleeping fitfully. The dreams that did come were images of them naked and tangled up, and she'd jolt awake, her body hot for him, still throbbing with ghostly remnants of dream pleasure she'd never get to experience in real life.

Putting the finishing touches to her makeup, forty-five minutes of New York City traffic later, Robin arrives at the bar before Barney. It's her plan going in to act as if nothing happened. Ignore, deny – that's her modus operandi. It's been hers _and_ Barney's standard procedure throughout most of their relationship and the only thing that got them through falling into bed together last year with their friendship still intact…eventually anyway. That's why she fully expects Barney to act the same way.

When he shows up a few minutes later, he does just that, but neither one of them pulls it off very well. Robin hates that things are like this between them now. She feels weird around him, weird about the kiss, about the fact that they came so close to sleeping together – again. They've _got_ to stop doing that, but she can't seem to help herself where Barney is concerned. Never has, never can. It's part of the delicious charge that's always in the air between them whenever they're together – that spark, that tension, that thrill of possibility, of never quite knowing where the night might take them. She's forever been both fearful and welcoming of that possibility. Because, as scary as it is, that possibility of doing something stupid together is also unspeakably thrilling. She lives on that hope far more than she cares to admit.

Barney, all the while, is pleased to have properly predicted Robin's reaction tonight. Yet anyone with even a passing knowledge of her would be able to guess how she'd act after their kiss. It's the subtleties of her behavior that have him taking note. Naturally, she's going to ignore it and pretend like nothing happened between them last night. He went along with it and followed suit, just like he planned, but in this case it's plain to see he's not the only one acting. Robin's words and mannerisms are just as overly bright and faked as his are. Her every attempt at normalcy with him is clearly just a thinly veiled disguise of how ill at ease she feels around him. Her anxiousness proves that even though she pushed him away and stopped things, as he knew she would, and even though she's ignoring and denying now, what happened between them _did_ affect her. That's something she can't manage to hide from him this time around.

Ted cuts into his thoughts then by announcing that he's called in sick to work for them all the next day. When Barney protests that he doesn't want to sit in court all day, Ted makes a joke about his "massive hemorrhoids", his excuse of choice when calling in to GNB. Barney wants Robin to pine after him not laugh at him, and Ted's hemorrhoid story is doing nothing to help that cause along. He has to be subtle about this, as he's still playing the part of the embarrassed, would-be lover, but he also needs to get things back on the right track.

Thinking on it for less than a minute, he comes up with a scheme that ought to do the trick. He's vividly aware of how Robin feels about fights and scars and bruises. Such shows of masculine virility turn her on almost like nothing else. This idea isn't exactly brawling but it's along the same lines, and it actually might imply it; he'll be purposefully vague enough to let her draw her own conclusions. "Look, you guys wouldn't understand, but when you have a rap sheet," he emphasizes, looking pointedly at Robin as he says the words, "as long as mine, the last place you want to spend the day is in court." When Lily questions him further, he assures them, "When I was a teenager, I was a total badass."

At first, Robin didn't know whether to believe him or not. With his work, it was quite possible he did have a rap sheet, although the work stories he's told her always revolve around getting acquitted of perjury charges and the like, never actually getting convicted of anything. But as soon as he threw in the teenager part she knew he was making it up. She's familiar enough with his Hippie Barney college days and high school teen years before that to know with certainty he was no delinquent. Back when they were dating, he actually used the woes of his past nerdiness to convince her to reenact several teenage fantasies he never got the chance to act out at the time, several of them revolving around _Star Wars_.

But before any of them can call Barney on the lie, Marshall comes in and they spend the rest of the night discussing his upcoming trial. Marshall and Lily eventually end up leaving early to get a good night's sleep before the big day. When Ted acts like he's thinking about heading home too, Robin makes a beeline to the door before he can. The last thing she wants is to be alone with Barney. It's still so awkward. The kiss she never should have given in to but was too good to help herself has done nothing but crank up the sexual tension between them to unignorable heights. If she's left alone with Barney now one of two things is going to happen: either they're going to have to talk about it – which will be even more awkward and uncomfortable and may possibly even lead to a fight – or they're going to wind up picking up where they left off last night.

Barney notices the way Robin hightails it out of there, like she's afraid to be left alone with him, and he knows things are going precisely as planned. But before he enacts Step Three, he decides to let things simmer a bit, let Robin stew in this awkwardness between them for a few days. That way when he does make his big speech it will seem all the more natural after several days of tension between them. And it should come as a greater shock too when, after kissing her that way followed by days of timid insecurity with each other, he suddenly has no interest in her at all.

* * *

><p>The next morning at the courthouse, the gang minus Marshall – who's busy preparing – are all waiting in the hallway for the trial to begin when a guard leads a young convict past.<p>

"Want to know what I looked like at age fifteen? There it is," Ted declares.

Robin can't pass up this opportunity to mock him. "I don't get it. That guy wasn't masturbating."

Barney looks over at her in amusement and joins in seamlessly. "Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief." Hearing Robin's laughter, he smiles and turns to her.

Now both laughing together, Robin meets his gaze, her eyes shining with happiness…until about a half second in, when she feels it between them – that spark, that connection, that magnetic pull toward one another. It makes her think about their kiss and how she'd like to kiss him again, which only makes her feel all the more awkward with him. She looks away uncomfortably, prompting Barney to do the same, something she notices out of the corner of her eye as she tucks her hair behind her ear self-consciously. This is getting terrible. It's hard to even be around each other anymore and keep pretending this _thing_ isn't there between them. So many feelings. Why did he have to kiss her? And why did she have to kiss him back? Now all the feelings are out there, spiraling out of control; she can't seem to shut them off anymore.

Barney sees Robin's discomfiture and he mimics it because that's exactly how he would be acting had he actually drunkenly come on to her and been turned down. Inside, though, he couldn't be more pleased. Robin's unease at simply sharing a moment of in-sync teasing and laughter, something they've done countless times over the years, shows that's she's thinking about how in-sync they are in other ways – sexually, romantically. She's thinking about him. She's thinking about the two of them together. If the kiss meant nothing to her then it wouldn't have affected her this way. She'd simply be acting normally. Look at how smoothly she played things off after they accidentally slept together the very first time. _He_ was the one coming apart at the seams while she didn't show so much as a crack in her armor. The fact that she can't even look at him or laugh with him now shows that the feelings are mutual.

But he doesn't have long to reflect on that because, out of the blue, he runs into Mr. Frankel, from his old troupe days. The chance meeting gives him the bonus opportunity to further push his teenage badass persona for Robin's benefit. She has just the sort of kink to be turned on by a criminal record. "Well, if it isn't Warren Frankel. _Bailiff_ Warren Frankel," Barney announces less than causally as he looks purposefully over at Robin. "_Who knows me_."

Warren smiles. "You know, I almost didn't recognize you without handcuffs on."

"Yeah," Barney says boastfully, "I've matured quite a bit since the old days." At that, he sends a meaningful glance Robin's way. His statement certainly has more than one meaning. It's what the second half of "The Robin" is all about, and what he's prepared to spend weeks proving to her.

Holding her gaze a moment longer, he throws in another comment meant to strike a chord with her specifically. "The only time I'm wearing handcuffs now is, ah, in the bedroom." He looks up dreamily, recalling in his mind's eye some of his more memorable handcuff experiences with Robin. He doesn't even have to look at her to know the same images are running through _her_ mind.

"Bondage," Warren nods, perceptively. "I get it."

Robin purses her lips, blinking away the memories that are taunting her – Barney naked and cuffed to the bed while she hovers over him in dominatrix-inspired leather lingerie with strategically placed zippers, flogger whip in hand.

"Well, I have to run," Warren declares, pulling Robin from her reminiscence of bondage with Barney. "Stay out of trouble."

They all look off after the Bailiff, Robin included, as Barney points directly at himself, declaring, "_Badass_."

Robin grips her coat a little tighter, willing herself not to want him, but it's no use. When has that ever worked with him? She feels a tremendous sense of relief when the doors to the courtroom open and they are free to go inside. She practically runs in, even ahead of Lily, while Ted and Barney are left to file in after, thus making sure she's sitting as far away from Barney as physically possible.

Her intentional and incredibly telling seating arrangement doesn't escape Barney's notice. Since when does she need to keep no less than two people between them? More often than not, their place anywhere is right by each other's side.

The next night at MacLaren's is the same thing. Robin takes refuge next to Ted on the inside of the booth, leaving Barney to pull up the chair on the end and only interact with her from a safe distance. But he can work with that. She's right where he wants her actually. In fact, she's responding better than he'd hoped at this point. And today he doesn't even have to fake uncomfortable tension between them. Robin's wearing a figure-hugging dress and knee-high boots, looking insanely sexy. If she keeps dressing like this she's going to make Step Four very difficult for him – because he already has a fair idea of what Robin going nuts will entail. But he'll cross that bridge when he gets there. For now, he has to concentrate on timing and knowing just when Robin's ready for Step Three, when the locking of the door to their possible future will resound the loudest.

* * *

><p>After Marshall had another demoralizing day in court, they've all agreed to take off work again to support him. Killing time waiting for court to begin, the four of them decide to take a little field trip over to the records window, where Lily insists they'll find proof of her teenage delinquency.<p>

Barney notices how Robin waits alongside the wall rather than with him and Ted, like she ordinarily would. She's been clinging to Lily lately as much as possible, trying to make it look like female camaraderie rather than just being afraid to be around him. He notes every last unintentional signal Robin's been giving off, but he doesn't do a thing about it. He just keeps playing the role of the uncomfortable, rebuffed ex whenever they're forced to keep company together, and allowing her to avoid him the rest of the time.

While Lily and the woman from the records department fight over her supposed criminal past, Robin risks taking a peek over at Barney, who's chatting with Ted whilst observing Lily's records predicament with a wry expression. And never once do his eyes flit over to her. On the one hand, Robin is trying to evade any further dangerous situations with him, and certainly hoping to avoid actually talking about _feelings_ and what led to their passionate kiss in the first place. With that in mind, it's good that they haven't really spoken in days. On the other hand, she didn't think Barney would so equally want to avoid her presence.

He seemed like he was _very_ into their kiss at the time, but maybe it was strictly the alcohol and hormones of watching naked women all night. She more than half expected him to question her about it the next day, to bring up the fact that _she_ kissed him back, maybe even suggest doing it again, proposing a friends-with-benefits type situation like he did after they slept together last fall. She knows she told him the night of the kiss that they can't do this – and she meant it, really, she did – but he was so drunk she's not even sure he remembers that part. Besides, it's not like initial reluctance would stop him. Barney Stinson always gets the yes. That's his motto. And they both know he has ways of making her give in to him gladly.

So now, when instead he so studiously avoids her too, the part of her that was expecting such interest feels irrationally hurt and passed over. That part of her wants him attracted to her, drawn to her at least a little. That's what makes her decide to throw her hat into the mix of teenage anecdotes. Very few things in life get Barney hotter than a Robin Sparkles story.

Looking to Barney, Robin asserts, "I didn't want to brag, but I think it's time to acknowledge that _I_ was the ultimate teenage badass of this group." Vying for his attention quickly misfires, however, when all of them – Barney included – actually laugh at her claim.

"You were a teen pop star in _Canada_," Lily sniggers. "You sang songs about the mall."

"_Hey_, there is a dark side to being a rocker on the road north of the 49th," Robin fiercely maintains. From there she launches into a ridiculously fictional – but no one needs to know that – story about drinking, partying, and getting high in her hotel room, culminating in throwing a TV out of the window in response to a noise complaint. "Three hours later I was arrested – drunk, naked, and driving a Zamboni." She threw that last part in solely for Barney, knowing the image of her teenage Robin Sparkles self, outrageous, disorderly, nude and straddling heavy machinery would make him crazy. "Man, that ZUI drove my insurance through the roof," she adds for a touch of both humor and authenticity.

Barney strongly suspects she's lying. Although you never know; Robin does have a decidedly wild side to her. He's experienced the benefits of it firsthand. Truth or imaginary, though, that image is going to help him tonight when he goes to bed alone and 'deals with' his current state of celibacy.

* * *

><p>Back in the courtroom, Robin resumes the same safe seating arrangement of last time, which means positioning herself as far away from Barney as possible.<p>

When the judge eventually announces that Marshall won his case, they all jump up triumphantly. Barney hugs Lily, high fives Ted, and then intentionally makes his way over to Robin.

When she sees Barney approach her, what feels like a whole swarm of butterflies begins dancing around in her stomach. She keeps her eyes downcast but still leans in, if nervously, for the hug she knows is coming. Barney hugged Lily. Lily hugged Ted. It's just a normal, friendly thing to do, she tells herself, not at all as intimate and heavy with possibility as it feels.

Despite the look of near-fear on her face, Barney sees Robin lean in for a hug from him. That's how he knows the timing is right to enact Step Three. As a precursor to that, he does exactly what she _doesn't_ expect. He pulls back, simply patting her shoulder at arm's length, and then immediately turns away.

When the hug never comes, Robin once again self-consciously tucks her hair behind her ear, faking a smile for Marshall – and to save face. She doesn't want to show the small sense of hurt she feels that Lily got a hug but Barney wouldn't even attempt one with her. This could have been his chance to reestablish physical intimacy; surely there has to be some kind of play for just this scenario. But she banishes those feelings of disappointment to the dark recesses of her mind because she doesn't want – _cannot _have – physical intimacy with Barney anyway. She doesn't know what's the matter with her.

Barney chances a surreptitious glance at Robin. He sees her fake smile and the perturbed confusion beneath it at his failure to hug her, and he already knows Step Three is going to be a success. With that in mind, once the sentence is read, he immediately gets up to leave without even bothering to wait for Robin to gather her things and go ahead of him like he usually would.

Robin looks off after Barney for just a second, hating these wounded and frustrated feelings, locking them away again. She doesn't want Barney to want her. No she doesn't. So it's okay that he's not pursuing her in the aftermath of their kiss. She just wants things to go back to normal between them, that's all. _That's all_.

* * *

><p>Out in the hallway, as Marshall wraps things up back in the courtroom, Barney, Ted, and Robin are trying to talk a young delinquent out of his life of crime – and getting terrorized in the process – when Mr. Frankel comes up to Barney again, this time unfortunately carrying a photo he absolutely must <em>not<em> let the group see.

"Check it out," Warren says proudly. "I found my scrapbook from the old days."

Barney glances down at the photo and, yeah, it's just as bad as he thought. "Oh, we're kinda busy right now scaring kids straight so – " But it's too late. Ted's already snatched up the picture.

In a top hat, black cape, white gloves, and way too big red bow tie, he looks every inch the nerd he was back then. It's not exactly something that will inspire longing in Robin, and it's guaranteed to garner mockery from the rest of the group for years to come, even Marshall, who's not here to actually see it.

"Barney was the youngest member of our magic enthusiasts' club years back," Warren informs Ted. "Famous for escaping from handcuffs."

"Handcuffs, huh?" Lily laughs, wearing an expression that says he's one hundred percent busted.

Barney looks away, embarrassed, bracing himself for their ridicule.

Curious, Robin glances over at the picture but says nothing. It's really not that surprising to her. She knows all about his 'magical' past and doesn't judge him for it. He still loves magic to this day – they've all seen his fireballs – which is also why she rarely ever teases him about it, even lightheartedly. Even now, he still takes his magic seriously.

"Very tiny hands. That was his secret," Warren explains for their benefit. "See you around, Baby Hands," he says to Barney as he walks back off to work.

Lily is barely able to contain herself. "So you don't know the Bailiff because you were a badass. You know him because you guys were in a nerd club together."

Robin looks down, very purposefully not joining in their mockery of Barney. Sometimes she doesn't think the others realize how much their words have the power to hurt him. Just because he doesn't allow himself to show his vulnerability very often doesn't mean it's not there. Beneath all the bravado, Barney is actually one of the most sensitive men she's ever known. That's what makes him an excellent lover, and the best friend a person could ever hope for.

"Where you dazzled audiences with your slight of tiny hand," Ted joins in.

Unable to take it silently, Barney finally defends himself. "So I was a late hand-bloomer. Go ahead, laugh. Laugh like all the others. But those magicians pulled off the greatest trick of all." He dares a single glance at Robin as he admits the all too real truth. "They accepted me." He grabs the picture back away from Ted, turning protectively away.

He's trying to play if off as a joke, but Robin sees the very real hurt underneath it. She looks at the others and Lily is unmoved, still scarcely checking her laughter. "Okay, well, to be fair," Robin speaks up, willing to embarrass herself to take the heat off Barney, "I may have slightly exaggerated my badass story too." She looks over at him meaningfully, hoping he'll recognize the diversion she's creating for him and run with it. She won't mind if he teases her a little to get the gang's focus on her rather than him. She can take it.

She tells them all the truth of her Robin Sparkles days on the road, which on that particular night consisted of quietly doing homework all alone in her room – after making her own bed – and then receiving the award for being the nicest, most well-behaved hotel guest ever, which is where the run-in with security from her fictitious story came in.

Ted and Lily laugh openly at her. "What a loser!" Ted derides.

Barney knows exactly what Robin just did for him and he loves her all the more because of it. He's also not about to sit back and let the others make fun of her. He puts his hands to his hips. "Your story's not true either, is it Ted?"

Ted quickly breaks down and admits to his embarrassing past too, and Barney and Robin end up further bonded despite their current state of awkwardness.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, Barney finds Robin outside the courthouse, waiting near the curb. He slowly walks down the steps and comes to stand by her side. When she turns to look at him, he tells her, "I know what you did back there."<p>

Robin's not surprised he figured it out, but she didn't do it for the praise. "I don't know what you're talking about," she replies, but cracks a smile all the same.

"Yes, you do," he says, smiling back. "I know what you did, taking the attention off me. So thank you."

Still smiling, she shrugs. "I don't know what the big deal is about magic anyway. It's a decent hobby. No more embarrassing than the whole teen pop star thing." He laughs silently, looking down. "And you're not Baby Hands anymore," she sweetly assures him, remembering the pain in his eyes when he spoke of no one accepting him. "They're perfectly masculine but still agile." She's not just stroking his ego either. The man is talented with his hands. She _loves_ his hands.

Barney looks up sharply at her praise of his 'masculine' and 'agile' hands, and Robin realizes she's said too much. "I mean, they're not _tiny_ now," she clarifies, staring at traffic, unable to look at him just now. He too matches the action, looking away. "They – they're man's hands but you can still escape from handcuffs. I've seen you do it."

He meets her gaze again, this time finding it necessary to purse his lips to hold back a smile, because they both know just exactly what the times she's seen him escape from handcuffs involved.

Her cheeks color pink and she looks back out to the road, scanning frantically for the yellow of a passing cab. What was she thinking? She can't be making allusions, even accidental ones, to their past bedroom antics. She has to clean this up somehow. "Um, you know, when you did that water trick for us and different…magic things….over the years." Her eyes plant steadily on the ground.

Barney wages an inner war with himself between looking at her knowingly and feigning the awkwardness he's supposed to be feeling right now. But, of course, the feigned awkwardness wins out. He has a play to perform and higher stakes at hand, even though she is being adorable right now and he'd like nothing more than to call her on it – and then give her a vivid reminder of how agile his hands can be.

Robin looks up at that moment and her gaze accidentally meets his, further frazzling her. Thankfully, she also catches sight of a cab heading their way. She motions for it feverishly. "I – I have to go," she mumbles to Barney as the driver spots her and pulls to a stop at the curb.

"You're not waiting for Marshall?"

"I'll just take a cab on my own," she answers anxiously.

"O-okay."

He's looking at her strangely but she's grateful that he doesn't make any further comments on her odd behavior or suspicious exit. "Bye," she says, waving awkwardly before all but diving into the cab.

The moment the cab pulls away, Barney smiles to himself. Yep, it is definitely time to for Step Three.

* * *

><p>The timing is right to move forward with the "The Robin" by telling her the door of opportunity on the two of them together has closed and locked. Barney already knows exactly what he's going to say too. It's not a problem of method or material at this point but one of opportunity. Because the very next day after Marshall's trial ends is Thanksgiving. They'll all be spending the day together with zero opportunity to get Robin alone. The setting needs to be private anyway; he can't risk anyone's interference in this. So Barney decides to wait.<p>

Thanksgiving passes pleasantly enough. The seating arrangement has him and Robin sitting together, and since Robin knows better than to thwart Lily's perfect event planning she's forced to eat dinner close beside him, which makes for some enjoyable tension whenever hands and legs inadvertently brush – or perhaps sometimes not so inadvertently on his part. Most importantly, the whole day goes by and he doesn't get slapped. All and all, it's a much better Thanksgiving them some in years past, definitely better than last year's when his only hope of ever being with Robin was slim and entirely built upon having accidentally knocked her up.

Sometimes he thinks about how things might have gone differently if Robin _had_ been pregnant with their child. Maybe they would have already gotten back together by now. Maybe not. Either way, he's certain things turned out for the best. The one thing having a little godson he sees on a regular basis, much more so than his nephew and niece, has taught him is that babies are _a lot_ of work. It's a huge responsibility that doesn't even end once they learn to feed themselves and aim into a toilet. Honestly, he's glad things went the way they did. Robin loves him even without a baby tying her to him – at least he certainly hopes so – and, if he's right about this, they can be together anyway and still have their fun and freedom to do what they want and go where they want and be just exactly who they want to be as a couple. Sure, he could have handled fatherhood if things had gone the other way and Robin had been pregnant, and he certainly would have loved the child that was half him and half her, but he knows where Robin stands on kids and he doesn't have an illusions or desires for their future to include one. All he wants is her. Frankly, he thinks they'll be far happier childless and awesoming for the rest of their lives. There will certainly be plenty of kids around to impart that awesomeness to should they ever feel the desire to wax parental for an afternoon – Marshall and Lily's, and Ted's too if he can ever find a woman desperate enough to become the future Mrs. Mosby.

With that certain knowledge, Thanksgiving comes and goes without a hitch, bringing Black Friday in its wake. Thanks to their chatting yesterday evening over dessert, Barney knows Robin has plans with Lily to spend the day shopping together, and he has some plans of his own too. He made sure to mention more than once at dinner that he'd be busy with his mom all day today. It was a lie. He stopped in and saw her this morning but he was free come the late afternoon, which was his plan all along. He knows just what Robin will do after an exhausting day of shopping with Lily the Bargain Hunter: she'll come down to MacLaren's for a drink to take the edge off.

So he waits for her there, ready to stage an "accidental" meeting. And, while he waits, he keeps rehearsing his speech in his mind. He knows he has it down pat, but he also has to deliver it with just the right nuance. He's got to make sure he sells it with genuine believability – something that's never been a problem for him, but yet he also doesn't make it a habit to lie to Robin, especially about something as major as this. The very fact of _who_ he's running this play on makes it all the more important and him all the more nervous, therefore all the more cautious. As a result, he spends several dry hours – he can't have alcohol clouding his mind – perfecting the speech he's about to give, going over and over it in his head, waiting for Robin to arrive.

Outside, Robin walks down the steps from her old apartment and onto the sidewalk. Shopping with Lily started out fun, and it stayed that way for the most part. But Lily can be a bit obsessive and even violent about getting the best deals – and now it's not just for her; she's got a baby to shop for too. Robin nearly had to break up a fight between Lily and another aggressive mother over the last half-price play yard. What she really needs is a drink. Detouring around the corner and down the steps, she decides stopping into MacLaren's for a little while actually sounds quite nice.

When she walks into the bar and sees Barney sitting in the booth – all alone – she stops in her tracks. There's been more than enough awkward tension when the whole group is there. She just can't be with him alone right now. She tries to back out of the bar unseen but he spots her and it's too late.

"Hey," Barney calls to her. He's a little surprised she'd go so far as to try to duck out. She must truly be afraid to be alone with him. But if she thinks he's going to make another overture to her, all the better, as she's in for a very rude awakening.

"Hey," Robin answers back, acting as if she's only just noticed him there.

"How are you?" he asks cheerily, making an effort to sound falsely jovial, since that's the way they've been talking to each other ever since the kiss.

Robin hesitates. "Ah, great. You?" This is so awkward and she berates herself for coming into MacLaren's in the first place.

"So grea – " Barney begins but then cuts himself off. Dropping the 'act', but still very much pulling off a different one, he sighs dramatically and looks down. "Can we talk about this for a second?" he asks, motioning her to come take a seat across from him. This is it. He's gone over this speech a hundred times. He knows precisely what he's going to say to her, word-for-word, the exact right thing to get the maximum reaction.

"Yeah," Robin replies, sighing too. She's doing her best to act like she's okay with this, like she's _not_ freaking out inside, but apprehension floods her as she slides into the booth. Whatever he's about to say, it can't end well. If he apologizes for kissing her, it's just going to make things even more awkward and messy. This is exactly why she doesn't talk about stuff.

"It is super weird between us and I don't want it to be," Barney tells her. He knows she'll agree with that; she'll want things to return to 'normal'. Even though it's not always the best thing for her, she has a habit of forever maintaining the status quo, where she never has to go outside her comfort zone, challenge herself, or face any scary feelings. He used to be like that too, but he's done living that way. He faced his feelings for her that night at Splitsville and he refuses to go back into denial – or to continue to let Robin live that way either. It's far past time they admit their feelings for one another and _do something about it_.

"Me neither," Robin is quick to concur, and this time there's nothing but genuineness in her tone. She sincerely does want to fix things between them and end all this awkwardness. She doesn't want to have to sneak out of places to avoid him. She just wants to be able to be around him again. She misses the easiness that was once between them.

Everything's going perfectly according to Barney's plan, but now he's up to the important part of the speech. He plunges right in before she can say anything else because he has to get this out exactly as rehearsed. "So let me just say this: I'm done."

Robin gives him an utterly baffled look.

"You don't have to worry anymore." It's not just the pre-rehearsal that causes him to say it straightforwardly. He's purposefully careful to keep his voice free from any trace of emotion, like this decision hasn't been a particularly wrenching one to come to but just that he's simply had enough.

Robin continues to look at him, confused. She truly has no idea what he's talking about. Why does he think she was worried? And what is he 'done' with? "What do you mean?"

From her lost look it's plain for him to see now she really had no idea that he's wanted her all this time. She honestly didn't know – which will play all the more into his plan. Right as she's discovering that he was interested in her all along, she'll also be learning that now it's too late. "I'm done trying to get you," he informs her matter-of-factly.

She stares at him, absolutely frozen. He's done _trying to get her._ He's been trying to get her? When? And how? Her brain is going a hundred miles a minute, trying to play catch-up. So….so this means that he's wanted to be with her all this time? And….the things he said at Splitsville, does that mean they were true too? That was part of an effort to – to what? To casually date her? To get back together? What does this all mean?

"I can't do it anymore," Barney reiterates. He lets that statement sink in before charging ahead with his prepared lines. "I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise…." Here he pauses, making sure she's fully caught up with him and is clearly processing it all, particularly this next part. "….I'm done making a fool of myself."

Robin closes her eyes heavily. Is that the way he sees it? Like she's just heartless and cold, pushing him away all the time? She supposes that interpretation isn't entirely unwarranted after the way she acted last November. But that wasn't about him being a fool. _She_ certainly didn't see him that way. It was about her being afraid and needing to protect her heart. The thing about Barney is he just doesn't understand how strongly she feels for him, how deep those feelings go. It's frighteningly beyond her control; she lives in awe of it too. Whenever he considers acting on his attraction to her – whether it was back when they dated the first time, or last fall when he floated around the idea of "talking about us", or those few days ago when he drunkenly kissed her – he's always looking for something fun and casual and light with her. And she can't do that, not with him of all people. But he is _not_ making a fool of himself. He never was. How could he be when she feels the same way about him – and oh so much more?

"Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself." She wants to tell him how she rushed to make it in time to meet him last November, how if it wasn't for Kevin's last minute words of love after he gave her none she _would_ have broken up with him. She wants to tell him how much it hurt her, tore her apart, _killed_ her inside to see him with Quinn, talking about actually _marrying_ Quinn. She wants to tell him how much she enjoyed their kiss, how tempted she was to take him back home with her. When she feels all of that too there is no way he can consider himself a fool. But before she can say any of that, he cuts her off

"It's okay. It's okay," Barney hurries to assure her. He can see it in her eyes that she's about to go down roads they're not ready to go down yet. _She's_ not ready yet, which means it will only end the same way it always has, with her running away. He can't let her say these things yet, and he certainly doesn't want her to try to make him feel better. He doesn't want pity. That's not what this is about. It's about him agreeing they can't be together, closing and locking that door, locking out any hope of them ever having a romantic relationship again. "I _want_ it to be okay," he repeats.

Barney nods at her and Robin just looks at him sadly. She doesn't know what to think or what to say. It's all so much, so quickly. It's still difficult for her mind and heart to process…..But, for some reason, it already feels bad and she's not quite sure why.

Barney takes a deep breath. He's up to the part where he'll illuminate her on just what it will be like between them now that he's "done". They'll be strictly friends – really and truly this time. No what-ifs, no maybes, no something-might-happens. Nothing will _ever_ happen between them again. Because they're just friends, bros, and _nothing_ more. From now on. To drive that point home, he spells it out in-depth exactly what she'd expect of an Old School Barney friends-only relationship just like he's had with Lily, yet another female he has no romantic intentions towards. "So here's what's gonna happen: I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back, and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar." He points to the woman in question and Robin looks over at her, then quickly back away. "With the big, dark nipples," he makes his lewd guess.

Robin finds she rather dislikes that woman for no apparent reason.

The look on her face reads displeasure, discontent, and Barney picks up on it already. He smiles softly. "And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway."

Robin does just that; she can't help herself. He's Barney and she loves his company, his antics, no matter what.

She responded just like he knew she would, laughed a little just as he said she would. Plus she's simply laughing and her laughter always speaks right to his heart. It makes his lips stretch into an entirely real smile and there's a sparkle in his eyes as he continues. "And then you'll tell a funny story about _that bitch Patrice_ at work," he says, gesticulating exactly like she does when speaking of Patrice.

Robin grins with pure adoration, propping her chin up on her fist.

"But neither one of us are gonna say, 'Hey, how's it going?'," he mimics, affecting fake happiness. "Or, 'Good to see you'. Because it really _will _be good to see you."

She smiles over at him. What he just said and the way he said it, how it really is good to see her, reminds her of what he said during Hurricane Irene, about how a single day without talking to her is just no good. It makes her want to reach across the table and take him into her arms, makes her want to kiss him. That very impulse causes her to look away. She averts her eyes downward, rubbing her hand across her arm nervously.

Barney studies her carefully, not missing a turn of her body language. "Think we can swing that?"

She glances up at him, taking a deep breath and plastering on a smile. "Yeah, I do." Okay. They've got this. It's like their early friendship. They can joke about the women he sleeps with, and the plays he runs, and….and act like nothing ever was between them once.

Barney looks down at the familiar tabletop, praying to God this will work and doesn't backfire on him. "Badass." He grabs his mostly empty drink and crosses to the bar to get them a new round.

Robin laughs to herself as he walks away. This is okay. This is back to normal. Right? She shifts to watch him a second as he walks up to the bar. Then she turns back away again, facing his now-empty side of the booth. A soft sigh escapes her and her smile falters….Because, the thing is, it doesn't feel okay. It feels _wrong_, upsetting, like she's lost something she never even knew she had.

That sinking feeling of loss and dread and sadness – distinct _sorrow_ – grows. It threatens to overwhelm her. She brings her hand up to her neck, softly scratching at her skin, her ear, needing _something_ to relieve this feeling.

She doesn't understand it. She should be happy, shouldn't she? She didn't want things to be awkward for them anymore. She wanted things to go back to normal again, where Barney could be her best friend without this tension and weirdness between them.

But the trouble is…._HE'S DONE TRYING TO GET HER_. She didn't even know he ever _was_ trying to get her. But now he's done. Done. There's such a horrible finality to that word.

Just as she's finding out they might have had a chance, now there is none. They might have _had_ hope, but now it's gone. He's done. _They_ are done.

_Done_.

….. And she doesn't want them to be done. She knows it now with absolute certainty, like a ton of bricks falling.

She blinks rapidly – she always does when she gets upset – and her smile fails her altogether, falling completely into a frown. She drops her hand to the tabletop, her face troubled. "Huh."

Looking off into the distance, Robin bites the side of her lip until she tastes blood as that sinking feeling fills her whole body from head to toe. Because she knows. Even though it scares her, even though it's a bad idea, she _knows_. She doesn't want Barney to be uninterested in her now. She doesn't want them to be 'just friends'. She doesn't want them to be forever done. She doesn't want that at all.

She wants the possibility of more laughing, more kissing, more nights spent in bed together. She needs her 'maybe someday'. She wants that hope of the two of them together in the future. She wants it more than she's ever wanted anything. She knows now that, despite the risk, she _always_ has.

But it's too late. He's done. They're done.

It should feel okay. But it doesn't. It definitely, _definitely_ doesn't.

As Barney stands at the bar waiting for their drinks, he watches Robin, leaning back to get a better view of her face. She doesn't look like a woman who thinks they can swing this. She doesn't look like _she_ wants to swing this. She doesn't look like she cares for this development at all. He just prays he's reading her correctly.

Only a few minutes later, he gets his answer because Robin's behavior the rest of the night is more than revealing. She laughs with him, talks with him about work, but her laughter is forced. Even when rallying on against Patrice, she's lacking her usual fire. His pronouncement of being done with her and done with their relationship has undeniably upset her. After just one drink, she makes a feeble excuse to leave early.

Barney watches Robin go, her beautiful features clouded and grave even as she waves goodbye to him. By all accounts '_locking the door on any future you could have together_' has been a massive success.

Now he just has to sit back and wait for Step Four to happen. And ride it out. Because he has an irrefutable feeling that '_Robin goes nuts_' is going to be a doozy.


	33. 809

**AN**: Be forewarned, this is a _long_ one. But there's so much going on from both sides in "Lobster Crawl" that it pretty much has to be. There's a wealth of material just dissecting down into thought and feeling what's going on in Barney's and Robin's heads in the scenes we did see, but there's also an incredible amount of blanks they've left to be filled in. So there is a lot of exposition of the scenes from the show (including more straightforward dialogue from the episode than I like to use but I felt there was so much going on beneath the words that it was necessary) but also several fill-in scenes too that for a B/R fan were far more interesting to me to wonder what B/R were doing at that time than skipping ahead or watching Ted obsesses over little Marvin.

* * *

><p><strong>Lobster Crawl<strong>

It's been two days since Barney told her he was done with her and Robin has literally been able to think of nothing else. It haunts her dreams by night and has become her obsessive thought by day. She avoided the gang altogether the night before simply because she could not face this new world where Barney is done with her. She could not bear to know what that feels like, interacting with him as just a friend and nothing more, not even on the faintest, most hidden level.

But tonight they're all supposed to go out for dinner and drinks, and rather than avoiding Barney again, Robin's come up with a new strategy. Her mind has it all worked out. Barney saying the two of them are done for good was just his immediate reaction to her pushing him away after he kissed her. He doesn't _truly_ feel that way. All she has to do is get him to show a little interest in her to prove it. Then she can breathe again and not feel so much like she's drowning.

So when she arrives at Marshall and Lily's place to meet the others, she has a definite ulterior motive. Her immediate scan of the room finds Lily walking out of the nursery carrying Marvin, and Marshall and Ted on the couch, but no one else. Fluffing her hair and gazing slyly around the corner into the kitchen, she asks, "Where's Barney?"

"He isn't here yet," Ted informs her.

Robin's obvious disappointment shows on her face. That in combination with her over-interested tone is too much not to garner notice and comment by the others. "Why?" Lily asks curiously. She noticed the dynamic has been off with the two of them for the past week at least, really ever since Marshall's trial.

"Just…wondered, that's all."

Lily remains suspicious but she lets it go for now. She's has bigger fish to fry figuring out what to do with Marvin for the night. "I guess we'll have to stay home," she says glumly.

"Can't we just find another babysitter?" Marshall grumbles.

"Where are we going to find one on such short notice?" Lily counters. She'd been looking forward to the night out too, but what can they do at this point?

Ted is in the midst of arguing that they have to come so it can be the five of them all together when Barney walks in.

"Hey, guys. So there's this awesome new restaurant over on – " He stops short when he sees the tense look on their faces. "What's going on?"

"Marshall and Lily don't have a sitter so they're thinking about staying home," Ted tells him.

"We could all stay in, order a pizza or something?" Marshall suggests.

"Why don't you just bring the kid down to MacLaren's with us?" Barney proposes. "We'll hang out there and still be close to home if you need to go."

Robin, who was happy to see Barney the instant he came in but hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise until this point, comes walking over to his side. "_Barney_, that's a brilliant idea," she gushes.

He looks over at her strangely. "Thanks."

"You're so smart. Isn't he smart, guys?" Robin continues to fuss over him.

"I don't know," Lily shakes her head. "Bringing my infant son to a bar? What kind of mother would that make me?"

"MacLaren's isn't a bar. It's a restaurant," Marshall insists. When she still appears skeptical, he points out in that lawyered tone of his, "They serve food, don't they? That makes them a restaurant."

"I guess it would be okay. Just for tonight," Lily concedes.

Ted and Marshall high-five in victory but, when Lily shoots him a look, Marshall quickly goes to help her gather Marvin's things for their 'outing'.

That leaves Barney, Ted, and Robin alone in the living room, but Robin only has eyes for Barney. She sidles in closer to him. "Is that new cologne? You smell _really_ good tonight." She shakes her head attractively, giving a playful little laugh. "But then you always smell good."

It would be so easy for Barney to turn to Robin and flirt back, but that's exactly what she wants. He fully expected it too. She needs to know he's still interested in her no matter what he said. She's fishing for his attention so she can feel secure that it isn't actually over between them forever. With that in mind, he wholly ignores her. "What's taking Marshall and Lily so long? How hard can it be to grab a bottle and a few diapers in case the kid messes himself?"

"Or just run upstairs to change him if he does?" Ted puts in.

"Exactly."

Robin reaches over to Barney, gathering the edge of his sleeve between her fingers and playing with the fabric. "We could go up on the roof while we're waiting."

Even though he's completely aware of what she's doing, Barney frowns down at her in confusion. "Why would we do that? It's practically December."

"It's not as nice now as it was in the summer, but maybe it could be," she offers.

His eyes narrow at her slightly before he can fight the reaction. They spent many a day and night up on that roof together back when she and Ted used to live here. Once during their secret summer, on a particularly hot afternoon, they went up on the roof together to make use of the sad little inflatable pool that actually wasn't all that bad once you got into it. With him wearing nothing but swim trunks and Robin in her delightfully tiny bikini, one thing led to another and they started making out heavily. They were headed back downstairs to her bedroom to finish what they'd started when Ted came home early just as they were standing on the fire escape, his tongue in her mouth and her hand down his shorts. They had to duck for cover and then sneak back up to the safety of the roof. While they were waiting out Ted, they wound up rocking that little pool pretty hard – seriously, half the water sloshed out onto the rooftop by the time they were finished. Flirtation he expected, but he's a little surprised to hear her alluding to those days and potentially suggesting they do it again.

Before he can answer her, Ted jumps in. "That's ridiculous. Marshall and Lily are almost ready and then we'd be waiting for you two."

"You could just go on ahead of us," Robin says somewhat impatiently before turning her attention back to Barney. "We'd catch up. Later."

He's saved the trouble of replying when Marshall and Lily come walking back out of the nursery, Marshall with baby bag in hand and Lily carrying Marvin. "All ready to go," she announces. "Down to the _restaurant_."

Barney catches Robin's frown. He's happy Step 4 is working so well but this is going to be tougher than he thought. It will be challenging to continually ignore her come-ons when his first impulse is to react quite differently, but he's trying to get her to own up to her feelings and commit to him permanently. Right now she wants to know he's still attracted to her so she'll feel safe to keep putting the two of them off until the future and never face her feelings for him at all. That's why if he shows her even the slightest interest prematurely his play will have failed. He will not let that happen.

But there's the problem of his Pavlovian response to even the slightest opening from her. That's why by the time they get downstairs to the bar he falls back on a familiar coping mechanism, overeating to distract himself. He orders jalapeño poppers, a burger, and fries while everyone else is still opting for just drinks and promptly chows down.

From her seat beside him – the one she nearly shoved Ted out of taking – Robin plays with her hair and glances at Barney out of the corner of her eye, but all he does is keep eating away, his concentration entirely on his burger. Propping her chin on her hand, she gazes longingly at him, pining away. How can he even think about the two of them being done when there's still this obvious spark between them? He's always been so handsome and he does smell fantastic tonight. She can't even begin to wrap her mind around the idea of never being anything to each other beyond friends. Never again kissing him, feeling the softness of his lapels beneath her fingers, pushing her hands up into his hair as his lips glide down her neck. How can he not want that too? He does; deep down, he does. She just needs to make him remember how it used to be between them.

For a second sanity prevails and she tries to pull it back, get control of herself, or simply pay attention to what her friends are saying, but not two seconds later she's powerless but to look at him again. And when he turns for a fleeting moment to look over at her too, she instantly smiles, her hand going to her hair in the universal sign of flirtation. He looks away immediately, but just that single second of acknowledgement from him feels so good. She _needs_ him to look at her again, and smile at her, and come play with her in their special Barney-Robin way like he always would.

The others talk on about Mickey's illness and Marshall and Lily being without a babysitter for a week, but all Robin sees is Barney and all he sees is Marshall stealing his fries. When Marshall reaches for another, this time Barney slaps his hand away growling, "Mine!" He's going to need each bit of greasy goodness to keep his mind off Robin sitting so close, giving off every signal imaginable to tell him she's interested in him.

Robin watches Barney slap Marshall's hand a second time. "Delicious and _mine_," he says in that cute and funny way that Barney always says cute and funny things and is generally so very cute and funny…and charismatic…and sexy…and _wonderful_. Just so very Barney. He can't be described. He requires an adjective all his own.

She dissolves into girlish giggles and cuddles up closer to him. "They do look yummy, yum, yum, mister," she coos, pressing her shoulder into his and leaning her face toward him adoringly. But still, nothing. She needs at least a little reaction from him. All self-control vanishes and she laughs coquettishly, twilling her hair on her finger and making it plain to everyone in a twelve mile radius that she's hopelessly attracted to Barney and wants nothing more than to receive a little reciprocation back.

In his effort at restraint and non-reaction, Barney squeezes his burger a little too hard and ketchup falls on his hand and down onto his tie – a tragedy at any time but one he's now going to focus on triple-fold as just the distraction he needs to lessen the compulsion to fall into her trap. "No!" He cradles his tie protectively. "What have I done?" He grabs a napkin, wiping off what he can. "I am so sorry, Cornelius."

Robin finally snaps out of her Barney-lust induced fog to realize the gravity of what she's seeing. Accidentally ruining one of his beloved ties is a serious matter. Her eyes turned concerned and her face registers the calamity.

"You deserve a better end than this," he laments. Lily tries to protest that no one is going to see ketchup on a red tie, but it only demonstrates that she doesn't comprehend the weight of what's just happened. He looks around in panic, trying to find something to save poor Cornelius's life. Grabbing his water, he removes the straw and pours some on the 'wound'. He switches hands with the glass, but before he even needs to take the time to look away from Cornelius for a single second to see where he's setting it Robin's hands are there too, taking the water and assisting him at this truly catastrophic time, proving once again how perfect they are for each other. She's the only one who truly understands and appreciates him and all his little quirks.

He goes straightaway into chest compressions and CPR while Robin holds their drinks for him helpfully and the rest of the gang looks at him with expressions ranging from he's-lost-his-mind to barely humoring his antics.

Barney looks down at Cornelius, drenched and bloodied. "Oh my g- " He closes his eyes heavily in a moment of silence. "Dammit, guys. We lost him," he says gravely while Robin looks on, worried. "And he was so close to retirement. Just this morning he said to me, 'I'm getting too old for this shirt'."

Little Marvin, who's been watching his Uncle Barney with great interest throughout the whole tie ordeal, takes this moment to make baby chatter, slapping the table with his hand as if to commiserate. Barney looks over at him, his face pulled tight in shared grief. "I know, dude."

Robin glances up at Barney as he starts to hum "Taps", then back at Marvin, who's still looking up at him in wonder. Watching Barney methodically fold up Cornelius, she feels the same awe Marvin is experiencing. Barney is so_ perfect_, so good with everyone. Even babies adore him. Who _doesn't_ adore him? And his earlier comment about poor departed Cornelius ''getting too old for this shirt" reminds her of the very first time she'd watched _Lethal Weapon_, under Barney's tutelage, when they were running around town trying to complete their own Murtuagh list. She misses times like that, how they went out to the rave and danced together all night, laughing and grinding, telling herself it was just to fit in with the others but knowing deep down the real reason was that she enjoyed feeling his hands on her and his body pressed against hers, even if it was somewhat tricky dancing together that way with Barney's back still injured from the futon. She simply cannot accept that there won't be more nights like that one, with that thrill of attraction and that charge of possibility between them.

From pained concern for him, her expression slowly melts into love-struck admiration and she smiles widely. "Oh my god. You are _such_ a good folder," she enthuses, moving in until her arm rests against his. "That's like The Gap good." She dissolves into a fit of flirtatious giggles again, tossing her hair with abandon as she shoots him looks of unmistakable attraction.

All the while Barney coaches himself to betray no reaction at all, just keep focusing on poor Cornelius. He knew she would try to illicit his interest, try to flirt and most of all try to get _him_ to flirt back, but this is more over-the-top than he'd ever imagined. Step 4 is in full swing; Robin's going good and nuts.

"Robin," she hears Lily calling her name, snapping her out of her string of giggles. She looks over at her best girlfriend and it's a grounding experience. The scowl she's shooting her is definitely not a good sign.

"Let's go hit the bar," Lily suggests insistently. Robin reluctantly leaves Barney's side, sliding out of the booth to go talk to her. Almost before they even get to the bar, Lily rounds on her. "Okay, what was _that_?"

Robin turns to face her nonchalantly. "What was what?" She tries to affect innocence but her blinking gives her away. Hopefully Lily hasn't figured out her tell.

"The dumb cheerleader flirting with the quarterback thing."

Robin attempts to look taken aback. She's sticking to her denial; that's what she does. But inside she has a moment of panic because she _is_ being too obvious, isn't she? And now Lily's onto her. But onto what, her mind argues, waging an inner war with herself. She's not doing anything. Not at all. She's merely showing friendly concern.

"You looked like you were gonna chase Barney down with a sixer of watermelon wine coolers."

Holding up her index finger to make her point that much more forcefully, Robin maintains they come in fours, not sixes. "And second…" She laughs nervously, her words now coming out in Truth Voice. "Why would I be flirting with Barney? I'm not interested in him and I made that very clear." Because, yeah, why is she getting all in her head about this? So what if they're done? _She_ was the one to put the brakes on first. Yes, it bothers her to think of them never again sharing anything romantic, but it's not like he dumped her. She needs Lily to know that _she_ was the one not interested. So it's all okay. _Really_. "With something that I did. Recently."

Lily demands she spill it and Robin caves easily. "The other week, Barney made a move, but _I_ turned him down. I felt awful for closing the door in his face." That's right, _she_ closed the door. She did, not him. That's why all of this panic and hurt and feelings of loss make no sense at all because _she_ already said they couldn't be together. It shouldn't matter that Barney agrees. "But he realized I was right." That's all that happened. He just agreed with her earlier decision. "'I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore.' That's what he said." She feels a wave of nausea wash over her at merely repeating the words. And it's like that night all over again, because it shouldn't matter that Barney agrees but it _does_.

Lily smiles knowingly. "And now I get it."

"Get what?" Robin asks defensively, folding her arms against her chest to protect herself, to ward off that same sinking feeling that's filling her up inside.

"You may have closed the door on Barney but _he_ locked it."

"_What_? No, he _didn't_," Robin argues, agitated. _That's not true_. That's not what happened. She won't allow it. Barney's just….embarrassed. But he's not really locking the door between them. That's not what he really wants. She refuses to believe that.

"Yeah," Lily confirms and Robin's expression grows truly troubled. "He got the last word and now you want what you can't have, like you always do."

Robin lets out a huff of air because she does _not_ want things simply because she can't have them. But before she can argue the point, Lily cuts back in.

"It's the classic lobster situation. Once you learned you couldn't have lobster, you became obsessed. Barney's the same thing, and this is gonna blow up in your face just like the lobster blew up your face."

Her arms crossed protectively again, Robin insists, "Wrong. This is nothing like lobster." When her doctor told her she could never, ever, _ever_ have lobster again she went out and gorged on lobster, and it was delicious, every last mouthful. But she's not going to do that now. She's not going to obsess over Barney and – and gorge herself on Barney.

"Okay," Lily says skeptically. "Just remember, you can never hook up with Barney again."

Robin makes a little scoffing sound but she can't meet Lily's eyes because they both know she's lying. She tries to say "That's fine" but the words are so false they won't even begin to form on her tongue.

"Never," Lily reiterates. "Ever."

The world seems like it's closing in on her as the word 'ever' repeats over and over again in her mind. Her eyes narrow sharply and she feels like she might lose it.

Maybe she is obsessing about Barney. Maybe she does want to devour him. But the thing about lobster that Lily doesn't understand is that it wasn't about wanting something just because she can't have it. It was being told she'll never have it again that reminded her of how much she _does_ want it. How much she loves it. Those feelings were always there but it was okay to ignore them before. It was easier that way, safer. Because lobster is fattening and lobster isn't good for you. She always wanted it. She _always_ loved it, but it was okay to deny those feelings and put off dealing with them because she could have lobster anytime. She could get her lobster fix tomorrow, when she was feeling stronger. There was no need to rush into confronting lobster cravings now when she had her whole life to deal with them and satisfy that need.

Suddenly being told that, no, she doesn't, she missed her chance and now lobster is permanently off the table, brought all those buried forced-into-denial feelings bursting up to the surface. She wasn't ready to be done with lobster forever. She _loves_ lobster. She was just afraid it would hurt her and she couldn't deal with facing that possibility yet. Hearing that it was too late was something she did _not_ take well. She won't allow anyone to tell her she can't have the thing she loves. It wasn't about wanting something because she now can't have it. Not at all. It was about learning she'd squandered her opportunity and now that thing she loves is lost to her.

Okay, so maybe this _is_ like lobster.

But she's just as stubborn now as she ever was. No one's going to lock doors on her or tell her she can never have the man she loves – _wants_ – whatever. No one is going to tell her she can't have him. If she just keeps flirting with him she can get him to flirt back, and it will prove he didn't really mean it and the door isn't really locked and the possibility of them intimately together someday is still very much on the table. Then everything will be okay again.

Robin does her best to awaken Barney's interest the rest of the night, but Lily is on her like a hawk – which is why, come the next day, she has a brand new plan. The only way she and Barney are going to have any kind of a meaningful interaction is if she gets him alone, away from the rest of the gang. The best things always happen between them when they're all alone. And she knows Barney. She knows how to make him want her.

_MacLaren's tonight. The whole gang is coming. Can't wait to see you there_.

She sends him the text right after work and then heads home to get ready. Once she's lured Barney there, they'll 'discover' that all the others can't show and it'll just be the two of them alone. Then he'll bite; he _has_ to.

To ensure he does, she's going to wear his very favorite: the skimpiest sundress she can get away with in the middle of winter.

* * *

><p>The moment Barney receives Robin's text he suspects she's up to something. His guess is that inviting the others was just a technicality and what she really wants is <em>him<em> there.

"The Robin" has been working perfectly so far. Ever since he locked the door on them, she's been going crazier than he expected, which he hopes translates into her being more in love with him that he'd ever dared dream. Last night she was completely desperate for his attention, no doubt missing their playful little interactions that were always so full of promise even though neither one of them would ever admit it at the time. He misses it too, but he wants her as his playmate for life. Patience is definitely a virtue in this.

While she continues to come unglued, he needs to start working on the next phase of the play. He has to pretend to date another woman in order to make Robin's feelings for him finally come to a head. This 'relationship' will simultaneously show her that he's changed, that he's looking for something serious now, and that he _is_ ready to discard his old lifestyle and be the kind of man she needs. Only this time he has to make the relationship seem utterly authentic and completely life-changing in a way it never was with Quinn. That's why it won't work if he pretends to date just any random hottie. It has to be a quality woman of substance, one who a person could believably see as someone's future wife. And to guarantee maximum effectiveness it has to be personal. It has to be someone who will truly get under Robin's skin so that it burns her up seeing him with not just another woman but _that_ woman in particular when he should be with her instead.

Grabbing his pen, he adds another entry to _The Playbook_'s final page. _Step 5:_ _Find the person who annoys Robin most in the world and ask for her help_. This one is a no-brainer. That person is obviously Patrice. Patrice is a wise choice for several other reasons too. She's not his usual type, which will show he isn't shallow and truly is serious about pursuing something meaningful, and Patrice is no bimbo either. He isn't sure why Robin hates her so much, but based on what he's seen and heard of Patrice she seems like a nice enough woman – gracious, upstanding, old-fashioned, romantic, all qualities that would make for a good wife and will lend believability to the later portions of his play, particularly for someone who's lost and searching like he's supposed to be.

He just has to get Patrice to agree. With any luck these same qualities of hers will make her sympathetic to his plight. There's also the bonus that in the brief times he met her before she always seemed to like him well enough. He distinctly remembers her calling him "dreamy". It's important to get her to play along in this but it's also important for her to fully understand what's happening here. The last thing he wants or needs is for Patrice to feel used or misunderstand the objective. So he adds into Step 5: _Explain everything to Patrice and hope she agrees to help_. He has to come clean about everything – that he's in love with Robin and he believes she loves him too but they've had this back and forth going for years. He had his wake up call and now it's time for Robin to have hers so they can finally just be together already.

It's a solid plan. He just has to find a way to meet up with Patrice. But, for now, he needs to get to MacLaren's to keep fueling Step 4 – and he's admittedly curious to see what Robin will do next.

Grabbing a cab, Barney makes it to the bar before Robin or anyone else. He doesn't think much of it until it's ten minutes past when she asked them to meet up and there's still no sign of any of them, including Marshall and Lily, who live just upstairs and surely should be here by now. That's when he figures out the others aren't coming.

A moment later, Robin walks in. She'd be impossible to miss even if he wasn't in love with her. Everyone else is in sweaters, jackets, long sleeves, but Robin is wearing a _sundress._ No coat either. Touché. She's a worthy opponent and clearly not going down without a fight. But he'll wear her down; he has to. He's certainly not going to give in to her advances. In the meantime, he'll just hold on for the ride – and enjoy the pleasant amounts of bare skin she's showing off for him. One quick glance tells him she's not wearing a bra…..

_Rein it in, Stinson_, he warns his libido. In this, Little Barney is not doing the thinking for them. Because he loves her more than he wants her, and that's saying something. Now isn't the time to have her, nor would he do so under these circumstances. He's never once taken advantage of her or tricked her into his bed. Seduced her, maybe a little bit, but it's always been a willing seduction and they both knew it. So he steels his expression to betray no reaction whatsoever and waits to see what her next move will be.

Robin spots Barney sitting in their booth looking fantastic in a dark suit sans tie and her heart does a funny little flip, but she tries her best to restrain her response to him and concentrate on pulling off this lie. She already has her phone in hand, and as she approaches Barney she glances down at the screen. "Oh, no. Marshall, Lily, and Ted can't make it for viable reasons I just learned via this text message I accidentally deleted," she says in a rush. Sitting down across from him, she smiles. "Guess it's going to be just you and me."

"Fine by me," he grins to her with just a touch of swagger. It is nice after all this time to have Robin chasing him. It's nice simply to have her openly wanting him, regardless of who's doing the pursuing.

Robin instantly smiles back, her heart speeding at his grin. She wants him so much it's ridiculous. She could seriously drag him into the ladies room and have her way with him right now. "Me too. Totally. Super fine," she simpers, attempting to be cool and alluring but just coming off sounding weird. Usually guys are hitting on her, not the other way around. Trying to seduce Barney is a lot tougher than she thought and it feels strange to be so singularly shutout. In the past all it took was a flirtatious glance, a suggestive phrase, and he'd meet her halfway. Not so anymore, and it's making her crazy.

Barney looks at her strangely, only barely managing to contain a smile. It's so great to see her emotionally out of control this way. He's seen her sexually out of control plenty of times. He's made her want him and then satisfied that need, taken her to a mindless unrestrained place of absolute abandon where all she can do is writhe against him and scream his name. He's seen her out of control with desire for him more times than he can count. But this may be the very first time he's ever seen her really and truly out of control of her emotions, her feelings for him running free and rampant, for once controlling _her_ instead of the other way around. He finds he rather likes it.

Robin, meanwhile, resorts to laughing and playing with her hair again. It's an old standby but she's only got so many tricks in her repertoire. She's never had to resort to using more than just these few – a laugh, a smile, a hair toss, a well-delivered look. None of it is working but she just keeps sticking to what she knows. Yet there's also a semi-aware part of her that realizes she must seem like a total idiot to him. _Hey there, Scherbats. Your Voice of Reason here. Whatcha doing_? It's a wakeup call. She looks around awkwardly, trying at the last minute to play off the hair twirling as simple adjusting of her hairstyle.

Seeing her awkwardness, Barney jumps in to keep the conversation going. "Well, I hope you don't mind but I was hungry so I ordered MacLaren's new special." He had been using the distraction of food to help resist her and then the loss of Cornelius. His current tactic is a combination of both. "I couldn't eat lunch at work because they ordered Thai food," he tells her, starting to break down at the mention of poor Corny. "I miss you, Cornelius," he says, touching his now tie-less chest.

Robin just melts at that; she can't help it. This is the real Barney that lurks underneath all the admittedly captivating charm, the sweet, warm, caring Barney who comforts her when she's upset and mourns for his dearly departed tie as if it were a flesh and blood human. "Oh my god. You are so sensitive. And deep." she says, her eyes latching onto his. All this sensitivity reminds her of his best qualities. All this sensitivity makes him unspeakably sexy to her. It makes her want him so much it hurts.

Her hand starts playing in her hair again and she has to stop herself. _No, you're better than this_, her Voice of Reason insists. Distressed and torn and feeling two shades away from a breakdown, she brings her hands back to her sides and closes her eyes, taking a deep calming breath in and back out. She assures herself that Barney is_ not _like lobster, but when she opens her eyes there's a bib in front of his head, a picture of a lobster right where his face would be. _Okay, that's unfortunate_, she thinks, determined to breathe through it_. But it doesn't mean you have to hook up with Barney_.

"_Woah_," Barney says, and Robin goes into immediate panic.

_God, you said that out loud, _her Voice of Reason admonishes and she blinks rapidly in distress.

But wait – _No, I didn't_, she argues back.

_How would you know, _Voice of Reason counters. _ You're out of control. _

But Reason has no idea what's happening down here in Feelingsville, where emotion is king and sentiment has full reign._ Oh, you think you're so smart, don't you, bitch_.

She's never had these opposing sides of her, Reason and Feeling, argue so aggressively. Up until a few years ago, until she fell for Barney good and hard, Reason always won out, no contest. Now both sides of her are strong – and so far Feeling seems to be crushing this thing much to Reason's consternation.

While Barney's sitting and watching Robin fall apart, he's hit with inspiration for just the scheme he needs to keep him occupied over the next few days and get him through the worst of this Robin-goes-nuts-by-coming-on-to-him stage. "Um, billion dollar idea alert. Why should bibs only be socially acceptable when we're eating lobster? If we could wear them all the time then Corny would still be with us right now," he says in mourning, placing his fingers to his lips and then down to where good ol' Corny once hung round his neck. "I miss," he gestures, sending the kiss up to the heavens.

Robin looks down, caught between respectful reverence of his grief and simply trying to keep herself from leaping across the table and jumping him.

"Picture a bib that looks like your suit," Barney goes on with his idea, diving into it full-throttle like he does with all his schemes. "A collar, a tie, a jacket."

"Mm-hmm," Robin nods, her eyes narrowed in a struggle to listen attentively. _Atta, girl. Keep it cool_, she instructs herself amiably this time as she continues to nod.

"I could call them – Bro Bibs!" Barney announces excitedly. It really is an ingenious concept.

"That's interesting," she smiles. _Yeah, you've got this_. She nods happily, finally glad to have a handle on herself again.

He's sincerely proud of his idea, one he plans to turn into a genuine business venture right away. "What do you think?"

One look at his smile, his shining blue eyes, and his trademark raised eyebrow and Robin is melting into a pool of Barney-longing again, completely beyond herself. She tilts her head, smiling at him dotingly. "Ohh, that idea's amazeballs," she laughs, twirling her hair. _That's it, I'm out of here_, Voice of Reason declares. It looks like feelings are winning out on this one, and she has absolutely no idea what she's going to do next. She isn't even kidding herself that she has any sort of control over this anymore.

Barney sees her strange, dumb bimbo at the bar reaction – so out of character for Robin – and he takes a sip of his drink. She's still fighting her love for him but she's swiftly losing. He just has to continue applying pressure by ignoring all her advances, and then the Patrice thing will hit her like a ton of rocks.

His meal arrives then, MacLaren's new seafood special. Before digging in he looks over to Robin. "Aren't you going to order something? Dinner's on me."

It always is. Whenever she's out with him, he inevitably finds some way to pay her tab. It was sweet back when she was unemployed and could no longer afford the finer things in life like scotch and cigars or even rent. And it came in handy while working for _Come On Get Up, New York_, which had the production values and salary that you'd expect from an early, early, early morning news show. But now that she's a lead anchor at WWN she can more than make her own way. Yet Barney keeps up his old habit all the same. She suspects he secretly enjoys taking care of his friends.

Robin nods at his question about dinner. There's no way she's leaving him so soon. She signals the waitress back over and orders a burger and fries. After the woman walks away, leaving them alone again, she confides, "You looked so yummy yesterday; I wanted it bad." Her eyes widen. "I mean _your food – _your food did. I had to have the same thing." She giggles at her little faux pas but Barney just digs into his meal, talking about the potential success of Bro Bibs, to Robin's dismay showing it far more interest than he's showing her.

The momentary interruption of the waitress a few minutes later delivering her beer and burger gives Robin time to devise yet another strategy. It worked for Meg Ryan, why not for her? "This looks delicious." Giving one final hair toss, she picks up a fry and takes a bite, moaning appreciatively. "Mmm, _so good_. Ohhh." He looks up at her but doesn't say anything. His attention is all she needs though. She puts down what's left of the fry and runs her fingers provocatively along the neckline of her sundress, letting them slip just beneath to dance along her cleavage, dragging the dress down a few inches in the process. "If you want, I'll let you have a taste."

Barney drolly looks from her fingers up to meet her gaze. "I'd say the same to you but I know you can't have lobster."

Robin's jaw tightens in frustration. "I can have whatever I want," she insists.

He gives her a perplexed look. "But…aren't you allergic?"

"Yes, sort of," she's forced to concede. "But maybe I…maybe I need lobster." And she does. She needs him naked with her again, like last November when she stripped him down button by button and ran her hands across his body. "It's…mouthwatering. I need just a little." She pictures them together that night and without even knowing what she's doing she begins running her hand rhythmically up and down the long neck of her beer bottle. "…Warm and solid in my hand." She bites her lip, squirming a little. "….Inside me."

Barney clears his throat. "Are you alright?" She nods, taking a long swallow of the beer. He's not quite sure why she's using the word 'lobster' but he's quick enough to know it's a code for something else entirely. He isn't sure whose benefit that little display was for, his or hers, but it's working. Watching her nearly sending herself over the edge into pleasure right here in the booth at MacLaren's simply by imagining the two of them in her mind, which he has no doubt she was doing, is definitely turning him on. If this play works the way he hopes it will, once it's over, they are shutting themselves up in his apartment for at least two weeks on end before anyone comes up for air.

* * *

><p>The following evening, as soon as they get out of work, Robin asks Lily to meet her at MacLaren's before going home. As much as she doesn't want to admit the truth to anyone she needs someone's advice about this. It's far beyond her at this point. She's all but losing it.<p>

She thought it would be enough simply to provoke Barney into showing a little interest in her, but instead she was two seconds away from ripping her clothes off and shouting, 'I want you. Take me now'. It was all supposed to make it safe to rebury these Barney feelings, but it's affecting her far more than it is him. Barney isn't cooperating and neither are her feelings for him. She just wants to be with him _so_ much. How has she denied herself all this time? She was repressed, plain and simple, but her heart and her body aren't allowing that repression anymore. They demand nothing short of Barney, all the time.

By the time Lily arrives Robin's drink is already half gone. "I don't know what I'm going to do," she tells Lily, and it's obvious she's in a great state of agitation.

"Wait, what happened?"

"I lured Barney here last night by lying and telling him everyone was coming, but I just wanted it to be the two of us alone." Lily rolls her eyes, but tells her to go on. "We ended up having dinner together, and I was a wreck. You were right," Robin admits. "I'm like a smitten teenager chasing after the goalie. It got so bad I could hardly form a coherent sentence. All I could think about was the two of us together," she confesses. "And I mean _together_ together," she says, pounding her fist into her palm to demonstrate.

Lily reaches up, stopping her. "I got it."

"And then Barney ordered lobster, which just made it ten times worse. I started coming on to him like some idiot, but all he could do was talk about this new idea he has for suit-themed dinner bibs so he'll never ruin another tie, Bro Bibs, he calls them. Finally, I got desperate. It ended with me making some lewd, food-based insinuations, and then I have the vague memory of begging him to share a cab with me. I don't know; it's all kind of a blur, like something just took me over. I'm out of control. I came this close," Robin gestures with her fingers barely a millimeter apart, "to telling Barney that I wanted him." She leans down on the bar, putting her head in her hand and sighing wearily.

"Robin, as your friend, I've gotta be honest."

Robin glances up hoping to be thrown a lifeline, looking for at least one solid piece of advice from someone who's not an absolute train wreck.

But all Lily has to say is, "I think this Bro Bibs thing is a freakin' goldmine."

"What?" Robin asks, her face awash in misery. "_No_, I really need advice."

Lily cringes inwardly. She's not as bad of a friend as Robin thinks. Despite having problems of her own, she can see that Robin's suffering and she does want to help her out but she's purposefully trying not to get involved. She knows Barney and Robin are meant for each other. She's suspected it for a long time. They'd give her doubts now and again, but ever since she heard Barney's confession of love over speakerphone and now Robin's strange behavior too she's absolutely sure of it. She knows they're still mad about each other. But, this time, she cannot interfere; she promised herself. She has to let them figure it out on their own, even if that means making herself look like a complete jerk in the meantime. "Okay, invest. Now. It's like Apple at ten dollars a share."

Robin closes her eyes. This is serious. She's falling apart here. She _really _needs a friend. "Lily, please."

Lily apologizes for being distracted, but rather than actually offer her any sound advice she says she has to get upstairs to Marvin, hardly getting the words out of her mouth in her hurry out the door.

Left alone at the bar, Robin ponders what she's going to do. No one else will help her so she has to figure this thing out on her own. Lily claims her inability to get Barney out of her head, her absolute all-consuming desire, her feelings – _so many feelings_ – for him are all exactly like her lobster allergy. If that's the case then maybe all she needs to do is retrace how that went. It broke her heart and drove her crazy to know she could never have her beloved lobster again. Lily claims it blew up in her face, but she's not still going crazy for lobster today. She got over it when –

Bingo. _She got over it_.

That's just it. The key to getting over Barney lies in following the same steps that finally brought her out of her lobster obsession. Lobster _is_ just like Barney in that she loved it, she loved everything about it, but she long suspected it was going to hurt her. Every time she had lobster it was delicious and mind-blowingly good, but afterwards she'd always break out in hives. It didn't take her long to make the connection. Along with all that sweet pleasure comes pain, which is why she'd been avoiding lobster and only enjoying it sporadically. Then when she went in for a physical, the doctor confirmed her suspicion and told her of her allergy, thereby forever locking that door. That's why it only _seemed_ to Lily like she became obsessed with lobster after the diagnosis because she was purposefully limiting herself beforehand, not out of disinterest in lobster but out of concern for her wellbeing.

But hearing she could _never_ have lobster again made her want to risk that pain even if it would come back to bite her in the end. So that's exactly what she did. She had one last, massive, all-out indulgence. Against all advice and her own better judgment, she gave in to what she wanted and spent hours enjoying herself. Like always, afterwards there was a price to be paid, only this time the indulgence was so dangerous the painful consequences were tenfold. The agonizing repercussions of enjoying her wonderful lobster left her so tormented that to this day she's never gone back to lobster ever again because she can never forget how much she suffered.

That's what she needs to do with Barney. She needs to have one last indulgence. One last, perfect time with him. It will be gratifying, exquisite. It will remind her of how much she loves him. She'll give in to him willingly, fully, exhaustively. And then afterwards….well, afterwards it will hurt _really_ badly.

He's already tipped his hand, revealed that even if he does still want her body from time to time at least consciously he no longer wants to seek anything beyond friendship with her. So, worst case scenario, afterwards he'll politely push her out of his bed like he does with the rest of his one-night stands. She'll feel awful and it will hurt like terribly, but that pain will help her get over him. It will help her never go back there again. It will end this obsession once and for all. Best case scenario, it will be strange and awkward between them, he'll reiterate that he's no longer interested in her, it was a momentary one-night slip-up, and everything he says will be like little knifes to her heart.

In either case, it will painfully drive home the point that while they're good in bed that's all he'll ever want from her now, and fleetingly at that. And just like with the lobster, all the pain will get him out of her head and heart for good.

She _has_ to cure herself of Barney lobster-style. It's a revelation. One she needs to share with Lily right away.

But even as she runs upstairs to find her, Robin gets a visit from a third inner voice, this time not of Reason or Feeling. This one is the Voice of _Truth_ and it tells her that she only came up with this truly terrible idea as an excuse to allow herself to sleep with Barney because that's what she's really wanted all along but knows she shouldn't.

The voice is at least partially right and Robin can't even lie to herself that it isn't. That drunken kiss between her and Barney sparked everything to the forefront, vividly reminding her of just how _amazing_ it is with him. She wants more of that, of his kisses, of his touches, of him loving her. What she wants is for the two of them to be together again – this time _for good_ – but she's not yet ready to face the breadth of that truth and all it entails, especially now that he claims to be done with her. She has to bury that truth the way she's always done, and this time she has both Reason _and_ Feeling to hide behind, who both have their own motives for supporting this plan – Reason with the hope that it will get her over her helpless love for Barney, and Feeling with the need to revel in him and all that she feels for him at least one more time, and all cloaked under the protective guise of 'just sex'.

Truth can suck it for today. She doesn't want any more inner turmoil. She's come to a decision and that's that. This is her lobster quest and this is the only solution she has. If there happens to be something fantastic in it for her, well, that's just pure lucky coincidence.

Robin bursts into the apartment. "Hey, Lily, Marshall. Ah, Lily, we – we need to talk."

"Oh, that sounds serious," Marshall says, pushing Lily out the door to go talk about it at MacLaren's. Robin is grateful that at last someone is taking her problems seriously.

Back down at the bar, Lily apologizes for being bad company but adds that nothing is going to take her mind off missing Marvin's first time crawling. Robin loves her godson, but she can't care about babies and crawling right now. "Lily," she says definitively, making a sweeping hand gesture to denote the importance of what she's about to impart. "I've had a revelation."

Lily's tries to throw her off with more talk of Bro Bibs but it doesn't work.

"When that doctor told me I couldn't eat lobster and I did it anyway, it almost killed me." And this will be the same. Sleeping with Barney, being with him one last wonderful time and then never again, the pain of that and all that will surely follow in its wake _will_ all but kill her. "But here's the thing, I never wanted lobster again. So the solution is obvious: the only way to get Barney out of my system is to get him _into_ my system." Even as she says the words, suggesting sex with Barney, her eyes light up and her lips form an automatic smile because, yeah, she does want this. She grins and even laughs a little. Alright, she wants this _badly_. In this case, the cure is going to be pleasant. It's going to be heaven….until it hurts like hell. "Brilliant, right?"

But Lily looks at her like she's insane. "Not brilliant at all."

Robin won't stand for any arguments. She's already made up her mind and they'll be no stopping her. Besides, it's not _just_ that she wants this. It's sound advice. Like the parents who find their teenager smoking and make him smoke the whole pack of cigarettes all at once; the kid never smokes again. Or when you're in college and go on an all-night bender that leaves you so wretchedly sick afterwards you swear off tequila forever. This is a solid plan and if Lily can't see that then Robin will just have to pretend she does. "Thanks for being on board," she says, continuing to smile as she takes her hand.

"Not on board."

Nope, not hearing it. "It means a lot."

"Big mistake."

"You're my girl." Robin pats her hand, backing up into her side of the booth again, deep in thought.

She's got more pressing problems than whether or not Lily agrees with her plan. There's the issue of Barney and his supposed romantic disinterest in her. He said they'd be just friends from now on and so far he's stuck to his guns. So far he's been amazingly resistant to her attempts at flirtation. So how is she going to convince him to have sex with her? "Now it's just a question of how to get him."

She never thought the day would come when she'd have to _convince_ Barney to have sex with her. It says a lot about the way he feels for her – or doesn't – if not only does he not love her but he doesn't even _want_ her anymore. She pushes that unbearable thought away, focusing instead on seduction plans.

She's hot, and since when does Barney Stinson not go for a hot girl who's willing to sleep with him? He told her he doesn't want to make a _fool_ of himself. That's the problem. He thinks he's been acting like a fool. He's gotten rebuffed one too many times so he's reticent to risk taking their relationship beyond friendship ever again.

That makes sense. That also means that all she has to do is show him there's no need to feel that way. She'll make it plain that she's open to it, that he won't get turned down this time. Once he has that assurance, he won't be afraid to show his interest. One thing will lead to another and soon he'll be very much, very happily _in_ her system again.

Robin contemplates her plan of attack all night and by morning she's ready to put it into action. Barney's not the only one who can run plays. There's one thing in the world all men respond to: flattery and male-ego stroking. It gets a guy every time. Feeling big and bad and manly without fail also makes a guy feel sexy and virile and ready to throw it down, which is exactly what she wants.

She calls her play "The Damsel in Distress" and decides to perform it at WWN because they used to get into some dirty business over at GNB. There's something about the office setting and everyone walking around just outside. All the hiding and the possibility of getting caught turns them both on.

She dresses the part too, no professional attire today. She's had to endure a slew of harassing comments from Sandy, but it will be worth it. In just a nude blouse to invoke thoughts of bare skin, and the shortest sexiest skirt she owns, she knows she's dressed to kill. Underneath it, for Barney's eyes only, she's wearing a black bra made entirely of see-through lace and a matching minuscule black thong. One look at it will guarantee he loses his mind – and then makes her lose hers.

Grabbing her phone, she sends the text that is sure to make Barney coming running: _I need you at World Wide News right away. Big emergency_.

Since he works so close-by, she figures she only has about ten to fifteen minutes before Barney shows up, just enough time to make sure everything in her office is ready. Closing the blinds to the outside and to the inner office, the thought strikes her to clear her desk too. They can start there and then move to the couch, just like they used to do back in his office.

Thrumming with excitement, she soon finds this is the longest ten minutes of her life. Grabbing her mascara and compact, she heads out into the bullpen to wait for him, standing close to the printer to have her excuse right at hand.

* * *

><p>When Barney receives Robin's text he knows it's another ploy. No one has some major work crisis that has to be attended to right that minute, not in an office of at least a dozen interns. She just wants to get him there and he's game; he'll play along. That's what Step 4 is all about. And while he's conveniently at WWN, maybe he can lay some groundwork by being especially nice to Patrice, who is never far from where Robin is anyway.<p>

Exiting the elevator on the proper floor, he watches from around the corner as Robin engages in some last-minute primping, applying mascara. He can see this is going to be one serious attempt from the way she's dressed – black leather skirt that's just this side of indecent exposure, heels that make her legs look as if they go on for miles, and her shirt unbuttoned all the way down to her bra.

He takes a moment to enjoy the view and then he slips into the role expected of him if he'd actually bought into her text. He comes running to her, faking like he's out of breath. "Robin, I just got your text. What's the big emergency?"

Robin tosses her hair and approaches him, hands on her hips. He looks good, as always, but the difference today is that she knows in just a few minutes' times she's going to get to kiss him, and touch him, and _be touched _by him. In a few minute's time they're going to be setting her office on fire. Her heart skips, blood rushing to all the right places at the thought.

But before she can even get close to him, Patrice comes running up. "Hi, Barney. You seem like you've run fast. Want me to fan you with my US magazine?"

Robin sticks her hand out, stopping this now. Patrice is a thorn in her side, a niggling annoyance that will never let her be. Her phone call on the night she and Barney left Splitsville already cheated her out of one kiss. She will not let Patrice ruin this for her too. "He's fine," she says with a tone that brooks no argument.

But Barney has a strategy of his own in mind. Ignoring Robin, he smiles over at her instead. "Thanks, Patrice," he half-laughs kindly. Turning back to Robin, he lets the smile continue to linger, making sure she takes note of it so that later on she'll remember these subtle signs of his 'interest' in Patrice.

As Patrice smiles back and waves goodbye, Robin turns all her attention to Barney. She gives one final hair flip; after that, she'll leave the hair tousling to him. "Oh, thank goodness you're here. I just got this new printer and I need somebody big and strong to take it to my office for me," she says, playing up the helpless female angle and him as the manly man who will soon be showing her just how manly he is.

Barney expected flirtation from her, and after the past two days he even thought she might go as far as to try to get him to kiss her to prove she still can. He knew she'd go out of her way to gain his attention again but he hadn't fully anticipated her trying to seduce him in such blatant ways. She wants the big, strong man to help her carry something back to her private office? It's like something straight out of a Harlequin novel….

And that's when it comes to him. His saucy little Robin is running a play on him. He's torn between pride, love, and lustful admiration, experiencing a combination of all three that only Robin and Robin alone has ever engendered in him. It also makes him positive that his way of proposing is the perfect way to go, one he's sure she'll uniquely appreciate. But he doesn't say a word one way or the other for now. He's going to let her play continue to run its course before he turns her down. This is too much fun.

It makes Robin a tad bit nervous that Barney's just staring at her. He should seem at least a little into it at this point. Maybe he doesn't want to lug office equipment around for nothing. Surely he has a guy for that. She'll have to be crystal clear that she'll make it worth his while; the printer is just a pretense on her part and a golden opportunity on his. "I promise to repay you," she whispers seductively, setting her hand to his chest to make sure there is absolutely no mistaking her meaning.

Barney blinks, swallowing heavily. Robin's more than running a play. He can see it in her eyes. She wants him and has every intention of following through on that desire, not just seeking proof of his passion and then running away but of _actually_ sleeping with him. He knows that look. That's the look she gets right before she pounces; that look used to be his best friend. But no one can do any pouncing just yet so right now that look spells trouble. She's planning to bed him right here in her office, pulling out all the punches and definitely hitting below the belt – though he does store this scenario away for later use.

Robin has time for just one lone giggle before Patrice comes running up to her side, this time with Brandi in tow, vowing to move the printer for her. Regretfully, she turns from Barney, her hand falling from his chest. Her eyes shoot daggers at both Patrice and Brandi for daring to interrupt her when she should be locking her office door right about now. "Don't you have a late-breaking weather story to cover, Brandi?" she asks angrily, putting her hands on her hips to increase the weight of her don't-mess-with-me attitude.

When Brandi assures her it's already done, Robin sighs. This is getting away from her. Like dominos falling, it all happens in a succession. Barney's phone rings, Patrice grabs for the printer, and just like that her entire plan falls apart. She gives Patrice a hostile look as she cradles the printer, ready to carry off the last hope of "The Damsel in Distress" play.

Taking advantage of this most fortuitous reprieve, Barney rushes to take the call. His feelings for Robin are strong enough to overcome his desire for her. He can and will say no, for both their own good. But he's also not stupid enough to let himself be placed in a position where she's cornered him in her office. He's only flesh and blood, after all. "I gotta jump on a big Bro Bibs conference call. The lawyer from Dude Aprons is really busting my balls. See ya," Barney says, his complete focus on Patrice, who he nods goodbye to. He doesn't even look Robin's way once.

Robin stares off after him. They were supposed to be in her office by now, his tongue teasing hers. In another two minutes, his hand was supposed to be on her thigh, her blouse flung over the computer screen as his warm mouth explored her body. Now she's left teetering on the edge, wanting him with no relief in sight. A long hot exhale of exasperation comes bursting out of her as her hands ball into fists. "Nobody asked for your help, Patrice!" she shouts. "You either, Brandi!" she screams even louder, storming off to her office in a huff of unanswered sexual frustration.

With a small smile, Barney watches from his place of cover while Robin goes even more nuts. Nobody asked for Patrice's help, huh? Well, ironically, he's about to.

* * *

><p>Feeling thwarted, frustrated, and cheated out of a wild round of incredible sex with Barney all over her office, Robin is still as determined as ever. Barney has his infamous, beloved by him and hated by her, <em>Playbook. <em>She can have one too. "The Damsel in Distress" may have failed, but tonight she's moving on to her latest play, "The Center of Attention".

All she has to do is surround herself with a handful of other guys who want her so that Barney will want her too. Lily was wrong about her wanting something just because she can't have it, but that is true of many guys, Barney seemingly one of them. Last year he said dating her again would be "a mistake", and then he went out with Nora for two months. But once _she_ got a boyfriend herself, he started thinking about her again, if only briefly before he moved on with Quinn.

_Who he almost married. Because he loved Quinn and not you_.

She's had it up to here with her Voice of Reason. This time she locks it up and throws away the key. No more reason for her until this thing is through.

The point is "The Center of Attention" will work. Other men showing interested in her will pique Barney's interest. And she'll flirt back too, giving him a reason to think he might have a run for his money, which should also make him want her that much more. However, she can't keep resorting to fake texts. Barney's sure to see through her if she does that. This time she'll have to get Ted to unwittingly help her out.

She sets up a lunch date and pumps him for information. What she finds out is that Ted is supposed to meet Barney for beers at MacLaren's later so that he can show him the new Bro Bibs prototypes. That's all the more she needs to know. She'll beat Ted to the punch and show up before him. Barney will come to the bar thinking he's meeting Ted and will find her instead, surrounded by a sea of men who want nothing more than to take her home. And in the end, Barney will be the one who does.

* * *

><p>Robin wants to have sex with him. Ordinarily the thought would thrill him, and just a few weeks ago he would have been jumping at the chance. But since then he's come to terms with his continued love for her and opened his eyes to some other truths, including the existence of <em>Robin's<em> feelings. He now knows they have a real chance to be together and he can't let Robin ruin that by trying to reduce what's between them to no-strings sex.

But Robin is as stubborn and determined as he is. She's not about to give up now. He knows she'll continue to offer sex in increasingly brazen ways, coming at him harder and faster until she gets what she wants. No matter what, though, he's not going to give in to her. Actually, all of this will work to his advantage, playing into "The Robin" perfectly. For one thing, it will show her that he _can_ resist a woman who's throwing herself at him – and if he can resist _her,_ he can resist anyone. Secondly, and given their history perhaps even more importantly, it will prove to Robin that he wants more than just sex from her. If that's all he wanted, he could have had it already.

But being good doesn't mean he has to be _good_. After all, he is still Barney Stinson. That's why yesterday, after the initial shock of Robin actually intending to have sex with him in her office wore off, he decided that rather than simply waiting for her newest attempt and continually turning her down, he's going to play with her a little first.

The first time he laid eyes on Robin he knew she liked it dirty and he wasn't wrong. Their friends – he's sure even Ted – still have no idea. Their sex life was wild, insane. You name it and they've tried it. There was one particular game they both loved known in the BDSM community as 'tease and denial' with a dash of 'tie and tease' depending on their mood. Sometimes it involved handcuffs, like he hinted to Bailiff Frankel. Sometimes it literally involved tying her up with his ties – Robin's just kinky enough to have enjoyed that best of all. She liked teasing him but she also _loved_ being teased. He'd make her want him badly, get her all in a frenzy, take her to the very raw edge and then pull back at the last moment. Delaying it amped up all those feelings of lust and need until she was trembling, half out of her mind with desire for him. Tease, tease, tease, then deny. Tease, tease, tease, then deny. Leaving her teetering on the brink each time intensifying those feelings a little bit more and a little bit more until finally release – and it was explosive. He knows; Robin is a moaner. Plus, since she likes to tease too, he's been on the other side and can personally attest that after all that teasing when the denial is finally removed it leads to earth-shattering pleasure.

That's just what he's going to start with Robin now – well, the PG version of that. He's not only going to resist her but tease her a little first, make her think she has him, that _he's_ about to have her. Let her get good and worked up over all she thinks is about to come – namely her – and then pull back. Deny. It will make her that much more desperate for him, and when they finally do come together it is going to be spectacular.

While he's waiting for Robin's latest attempt, Barney goes to MacLaren's to meet Ted. When he first walks in and sees her there instead of Ted, he knows it's a setup and one he's sure Ted isn't aware of. He still has to deal with _that_ issue, but Robin comes first before he worries about Ted.

Right now, she's sitting on a bar stool, wearing another short dress, this time surrounded by men who are fawning all over her while she's flirting right back. He sees what this is; she's trying to work the jealously angle. He won't take the bait but he knows what he _is_ going to do, the beginning of 'tease and denial'.

He walks in past the man Robin's leaning into. "Hey. _Hey_," he says imbuing his voice with antagonism and directing his statement at the man she was touching. "What are you guys doing slobbering all over my friend?"

Robin smiles. Yes, yes, a reaction out of him! Now she just has to reassure him these bozos mean nothing to her, send them packing, and then it can be the two of them alone. "Barney, don't be jealous," she replies, but her tone is clearly pleased.

As soon as he sees that smile of triumph, he breaks into a grin of his own. "If you're gonna drool," he says, hoisting his bag onto the table, "do it in style." He holds up a newly designed bib for Robin to see, letting it sink in that his earlier irritation was an act to sell bibs and not because he wanted her for himself. He goes into a spiel for Bro Bibs, acting like he could care less that she's surrounded by men. He only spares her a single glance at the end, as he's putting on his own Bro Bib, to see how she's taking it. Her face is pulled into an astonished frown. Check and mate. He grabs his bag, leaving her there with all her men.

Robin watches Barney head for the door and she can hardly believe it. Closing her eyes, she sighs in disappointment. She really thought she had him this time, but instead yet another opportunity to be with him just slipped through her fingers. A truly terrifying thought occurs to her that maybe he was telling the truth and he's just not interested in her in _any_ way now. But she can't let herself entertain that possibility. It's too awful to consider. No, she just has to try harder. This is the man who's slept with her three out of the past four years. She can get him to again if she steps up her game.

That night, Robin spends hours racking her brain trying to think up a new play that will be her coup de gras, and by the next morning she's sure she has it. "The 'Is That Angelina Jolie?!'" is a triple threat. It plays to the allure of celebrity, hits upon the video game fetish that all men seem to share, and it has personal appeal too.

The very first time they ever went broing out they played laser tag together. Barney wanted to sleep with her that night but she turned him down. She was really only just getting to know him then, and her loyalties were with Ted at that point. Truth be told, Barney frightened her. Ted was sweet to her, better than any guy had ever been to her before. She liked him, but she always knew it was going nowhere. Barney, on the other hand, she clicked with. He understood her in a way that was scary. There was a connection there from the very start that felt dangerous to her, especially with a man who'd made it his life's goal to bed as many women as possible and sneak out the next morning.

Nevertheless, she's thought about that night many times over the years, about what other things might have gone differently if she had said yes. She still remembers what he told her back then, how he'd been thinking about the two of them and they made sense together. They both wanted something casual and they got along really well. At the time his statements had alarmed her in their accuracy, but she's had years to further dissect them since. What she realized is that it actually didn't sound like Barney was looking for a one-night hook up at all. What difference would it make that they got along so well if it was a one-time only thing? Ever since she pieced that together she's wondered if she had taken Barney up on his offer and they'd become friends with benefits or something similar way back then what it would have led to. Would they have fizzled and fallen apart and never even stayed friends? Or would it eventually have grown into dating for real just like they ended up doing, only much sooner? Would they still be together now? If she's thought about these things then it stands to reason that _he_ might have as well. The idea of a quasi-do-over of that night should appeal to him too.

Absolutely sure of the success of "The 'Is That Angelina Jolie?!'", Robin picks up her phone, calling him this time for a more personal approach.

Over at his apartment, Barney's busy plotting a way to speak to Patrice without Robin finding out when his phone rings and he sees her name on the I.D. Curious and ready for more of Step 4 to play out as it should, he answers the phone – but only after four rings, just enough to keep her waiting. "Robin. What's up? I thought you'd be busy with one of those guys you met yesterday."

"What?" That throws her a little. She hadn't reasoned out that he might actually think she'd hooked up with one of those guys. "I didn't meet any – No, we were just talking. No." Worse still, he didn't seem the least bit bothered at the idea that she possibly took one of them home. Her heart's heavy at that, but she's not giving up. She'll just try a new tactic, a little misdirection before the play to get him thinking about her sexually. "Barney, it's been way too long since you and I had a good tumble, engaged in a physical activity no one can top us at. There'll be some sweating, some grunting, and maybe even a pulled muscle, but the end result will have us both pleasantly out of breath and satisfied."

Barney doesn't miss a beat of her innuendo, but he also sees what lies beneath it. "You want to play laser tag."

Robin smiles, pleased enough. He didn't get her second meaning, but he jumped quickly enough to her first. This _Tomb Raider_ play has a real chance of working after all. "I _do_ want to play laser tag. With you."

Why not, he thinks. The more desperate she becomes the greater the chance "The Robin" has of succeeding. And he rather enjoyed playing with her yesterday. He might as well let her have another go at him, let himself have a little more fun and her a little more frustration. It's all building toward a beautiful climax. "Alright," he agrees. But just so she doesn't get the impression that he's jumping at the chance to be with her specifically, he adds, "It just so happens I was going to get a game in today myself. You could meet me there."

"Our usual place," she insists. She wants it to be as close to that first night as possible.

"Okay."

* * *

><p>An hour and a half later, Robin walks into laser tag in full getup. She spent far too much on the costume and everywhere she goes she keeps getting strange looks, but it'll payoff in the end. Barney is certain to give in to this temptation.<p>

She finds him in the tunnel room, his gun poised, sans jacket, looking trim and sexy and making her very glad that she needs to take this 'cure'. "Hey there," she says, her voice low and erotic, full of promise.

Barney turns around. "_Hey_," he grins as she smiles at him. He'd wondered what turn this new play was going to take. With her insistence on laser tag and their old haunt in particular, he'd pegged it as a callback to their first night as bros and turning a 'no' into a 'yes' – which he still plans to do in the long run. But one glance shows him there's more to it than that.

He lets his eyes go wandering, looking her up and down. The _Tomb Raider_ theme is immediately obvious but she wears it better than Angelina ever did. Dressed all in black – in skin-tight, barely there shorts; a miniscule tank top that disappears beneath the laser tag vest, making it appear as if she's topless; and gun holsters strapped to each bare thigh – she looks sexy as hell. He allows his face to betray open admiration for what he sees before him.

Actually, she knows him quite well. This _is_ hitting on one of his fantasies. Since that first night, he's always wanted to have his way with her in the laser tag park, right in the middle of a game. When this play is over and, with any luck, they're back together – engaged even – he's going to rent out this whole building and let the two of them play a little one-on-one game of strip laser tag. But not today. Today he has to turn her down again….after a little more tease and denial.

"It is _so_ good to see you," he says suggestively, moving in close to her. He doesn't stop until he's close enough to feel the heat from her body, until he's sure she's close enough to feel the softness of his Armani pants against her bare thighs. Once they're intimately pressed together, he smiles sensually to her, his eyes traveling over her face to her mouth.

Robin's nearly overwhelmed at the rush she feels having him so close, looking and smiling at her this way. They're actually going to be together. She knew this would get him. Guns get them both aroused; he just prefers those of the laser tag variety. Her eyes drift to his mouth too, yearning to feel it pressed against hers. She can barely wait until they're back as his place tearing each other's clothes off. For now, though, she'll take that kiss.

Robin wants him. It's oozing from her every pore. Just a few weeks ago there would be nothing stopping him from pressing her back against the stacked yellow barrels and taking all that her eyes offer. But now that Barney realizes he can have so much more with her if he just holds out and holds on, that's exactly what he's going to do.

She's smiles at him full of desire, staring at his mouth, and he chuckles soft and low. He's stopped just short of her, not quite touching her, not quite kissing her. It's close enough to make her hungry, to make her desperate to soothe that ache, but yet just far enough away to keep that hunger burning and that ache throbbing all the more. He waits until he knows he's got her, until she forgets letting him make a move on her and just reaches for him herself, leaning in to kiss him. Then he pulls away. It's good fortune that just at that moment he hears the zap of lasers. Swinging behind her, his arm slung around her waist, he positions her completely in front of him and uses her as a shield from enemy fire, pretending like that was his plan all along.

Robin stands there stunned, wondering what just happened. A moment ago they were nearly kissing and then he was moving away. Seeing the red glow of her vest, like a flash, she figures it out. He used her to block him. She looks in frustration at the children running by, sending them the same glaring look she'd given Patrice. Why did they have to interrupt them _right_ at that moment?

In reality, although Barney does take his laser tag very seriously, right now he could care less about the sport. But it's exhilarating toying with her this way. And it remains thrilling to know she wants him badly enough to run plays on _him_. She loves him enough to go this crazy when she thinks he no longer wants her. Of course that couldn't be further from the truth. She's all kinds of hot in this costume that he hopes she keeps so it can make a return visit under better circumstances – ones that will allow him to peel it from her inch by inch.

Having Robin so near, soft and warm and smelling like her, is a great temptation. It's only on the strength of "The Robin" and all he hopes it will accomplish that he's ignoring her this way. Tease and denial is a game they both love. He just hopes she'll appreciate that at the end of all this; his self-restraint, his true reasons for rebuffing her, and all their heightened desire from making them both wait. He lets go of her instantly. "After all, this game affects my league score," he shouts, bounding off to another room.

Robin looks after him in disbelief. What does it take to get him to sleep with her? As much as he loves this game she would have _never_ lost out to laser tag before. What is the matter with her?

Vowing to try still harder, she runs off after Barney, catching up to him in another room, but he remains all business. His entire focus is on the game. Eventually she abandons her plans for now and teams up with him, focusing on the game too, because laser tag _is_ fun and together they are still the best. They laugh, and plot, and ambush their victims, and laugh some more. There is one close call where they have to duck and roll for cover behind a barrier and they're forced into intimate contact, his body mostly on top of hers. For a brief instant she sees something promising in his eyes, but in another second it's gone and he's up like a shot, helping her to her feet. But it makes her think there could be hope for this play yet.

Once they've emerged victorious, Robin corners him in the lobby as he's putting his suit coat back on. "Wanna go grab dinner?" she asks. She tries by habit to play with her hair but it's all wound up with the braid extension, which she shoves back over her shoulder. It's the closest to a hair toss she can pull off at the moment.

Barney bites back a laugh. He's got to hand it to her; she's committed to the play, although he would have preferred her natural hair. Hair that long, even pulled back, would only complicate sex, and a man can't get his fingers into it. "Dinner might be a little interesting wearing that," he points out.

He's right; they'd be attracting stares all over town and the only attention she wants to draw is his. But that gives her a better idea yet, a callback to their first night as bros _and_ to their first night as lovers. "Do you want to come back to my place?"

"Your place?" He recalls having this conversation before and exactly what it led to.

"Yeah, we can order in….open up a bottle of wine…." She reaches up and touches the knot of his tie the way she always does when her intentions have turned amorous. "….See where the night takes us."

"I don't know," Barney balks.

_No_. She's not going to let him turn her down again. She's getting him up to her apartment one way or the other. "We could '_play Battleship'_," she enunciates. He'd once called that an internationally recognized term for sex. That's what led to the whole misunderstanding the first time around. Surely he'll know what she means.

So she _is_ trying to recreate that first night of broing out. Barney briefly wonders what would happen if he agreed to go with her. Would she dig out that old board game – if she even still has it – or would she dispense with the pretenses altogether the moment she got him there and simply birthday suit up. Unfortunately, he'll never get to find out. "I've got a lot going on at work so – "

"I have the latest Montecristo shipment," she entices. After the Battleship innuendo failed, she knows she'll have to be even more obvious about what she's offering. "We can have light one up…_after_," she promises alluringly, sliding her fingers down his tie.

He barely even tries to hide his amusement at that. She's just too adorable. "After what, Robin?"

"After, um, the wine." She moves her hand down to his belt. "And whatever else we get up to."

Barney both dreads and welcomes knowing where her hand will travel next. "I really do have to go."

Desperate, she reaches for the only fallback she can think of. "We could watch the Robin Sparkles videos. I've transferred them all to DVD."

That captures his interest despite himself. "Really?"

She nods encouragingly, moving her fingers up to the lapels of his jacket. "Do you remember the first time we watched _Sandcastles_?"

She's pulling out the big guns and so will he. He lets his eyes drift to her mouth. "I remember." He smiles down at her and her smile grows. She presses closer, closes her eyes and leans in to kiss him….and he abruptly backs away. "Bye, Robin."

She was tempting. Remembering the first night they slept together was tempting. But he won't settle for that anymore, and if anything the night they watched _Sandcastles_ is a vivid reminder. One night of sex with Robin a year is not enough. Not nearly enough. He wants so much more than that, and this play is partially about getting _her_ to realize it.

But "The Robin" is already working magnificently. He can forgo sex with her now, as much as he wants it to happen, because if all goes as planned he'll have Robin in his bed for a lifetime. In the meantime, he just has to figure out a safe way to get Patrice alone so he can plead his case.

* * *

><p>Not knowing what else to do, Robin shows up at Lily's doorstep to ask for help.<p>

Lily opens the door with Marvin in her arms, and after one look at her friend her eyes go wide. "Robin, oh my god. What are you wearing?"

"A Lara Croft costume," Robin sighs, shutting the door behind her. Lily gives her a strange look so she explains, "I just came from laser tag with Barney."

"Ahh," Lily answers, watching Robin slump down onto the couch in defeat. She puts Marvin down on the floor, hoping she'll get to see him crawl, and comes to sit beside her.

"I've been running plays on him for days trying to get him to sleep with me," Robin admits. Lily gives her another look, prompting her to clarify, "You know, the one last time."

Lily blows out a cynical breath. "Sure it will be. When has it ever been just one time with you and Barney?"

Last year, Robin wants to say but doesn't. That's still a secret and somewhat of a sore point for her at the moment. That night they couldn't wait to get into bed together, Barney included. Now she's throwing herself at him as hard as possible and he refuses to take her up on it.

"You know what I think?" Lily asserts. "I think you just want to know you can still have him in case someday you want to get back together again. And, mark my words, it is gonna blow up in your face. "

"You already said that, Lily, and that's not the point. The point is I've been trying to get Barney to sleep with me for days but _nothing's working_. I just don't understand it," Robin miserably imparts. "I tried playing the damsel in distress who Barney has to come save by carrying the big, heavy equipment back into my office and then I 'repay' him by handling his equipment, but he wasn't interested. Then I tried to make him jealous by surrounding myself with other guys, but all he cared about was Bro Bibs. And just now I tried coming on to him at laser tag."

"Dressed as Lara Croft," Lily finishes. "Well, you do look hot, but I take it that didn't work either?"

"Would I be here if it did? I don't get it," Robin laments. "There's no way he could mistake what I was offering. I all but said I'd have sex with him if he just came back to my apartment with me – and I even offered booze and cigars on top of that – but all he kept saying was that he had to go. Can you believe that?" Her eyes are so deeply sad that even Lily can feel her pain. "It's starting to get a little pathetic. I've tried everything but no matter what I do Barney just doesn't seem to want me. Maybe it's true," she says, her voice small and broken as she stares at the wall they'd once had sex against, ghosts of the memory haunting her. "Maybe he really _is_ done with me. Maybe we'll never hookup again."

"Look, I don't agree with your lobster quest," Lily informs her, "but I can't stand watching you make a fool of yourself."

Hearing that, Robin remembers Ted's words from all those Halloweens ago about how one day she'd meet a guy who she'd want to look like a complete idiot for. She had thought those words come to fruition last Halloween when she dressed up with Barney, but now she _truly_ knows what Ted meant. Because they're both right. She _is_ making a fool of herself for Barney, over and over again, and getting nowhere – and it hurts more every time.

"You want the fix," Lily continues, "I got the fix." Robin turns to her and Lily can see from her expression that the poor girl is sad, troubled, and most of all nakedly vulnerable. Her love for Barney is so strong that it's driving her a little crazy. Lily knows that rather than trying to sleep with him Robin should be _talking_ to him, telling him how she feels, but she promised herself she wouldn't interfere uninvited. She'll give her the fix because Robin asked, but that's all.

Lily tells her the story of her college days with Marshall and how he was still too afraid to make the first move, prompting her to grab the nearest girl for some dirty dancing to get Marshall worked up enough to ask her out. It went over so well they're still together to this day. "You just need a girl who, I don't know, gets a few drinks in her and wants to have fun and put on a show."

"Mm-hmm," Robin mumbles, putting her hand to her mouth contemplatively. She thinks back to the strip club, how he watched her dancing with the other girls and how it made him want her. He passionately kissed her later that night. He was ready to take her to bed then, she knows it.

"And it drives guys crazy cause you both don't even care. It's just stupid and fun."

This _will_ drive him crazy. Robin sighs in relief. "Lily, that sounds perfect. Thank you." Experiencing her first bout of happiness and hope in the past two hours, Robin hugs her tightly. If anything can make Barney want her again it's this.

* * *

><p>The next night everything is set for what Robin hopes will be her final play, "The Robin and Brandi Get Freaky". Brandi, WWN's new weather girl, hasn't been working there long but she was hired at Sandy's recommendation, which is about all Robin needed to know about her to understand what they were getting. Then she'd seen for herself at the office Halloween and Thanksgiving parties – how Sandy convinces the network to keep throwing these elaborate, highly inappropriate parties is beyond her but then she doesn't understand how Sandy even still has a job – exactly what Brandi is capable of. Lily's right on the nose. Get a few drinks in her and she doesn't care at all; she'll do just about anything.<p>

Earlier at work, Robin invited her to go out to a great bar across town and Brandi happily accepted. Now all there is left to do is get dolled up, execute this perfectly – first meet Brandi at a bar near WWN, get a few shots in her to loosen her up, and then it's on to MacLaren's where Lily has promised to have him waiting – and then Barney is hers…for the night that is.

Perusing over her clothing choices, she decides to put on her new red dress for him. It will be the first time she's ever worn it, and what an inaugural night. She looks fantastic in it if she does say so herself, and Barney once told her she looks sexy in red, so it's a natural choice. She's practically bursting with eager anticipation of ending the night together back at his place – all just to get him out of her system, of course. But seeing as how she's absolutely crazy about him and no matter what she does she can't seem to change that, it stands to reason that it could take more than just the _one_ last time. In fact, it's likely to several tries, repeat and then again. After all, the night is not officially over until someone gets out of bed the next morning. She hasn't been with Barney in over a year, and even under those less than honorable circumstances it was still amazing. Kissing him two weeks ago had been amazing. That amazingness with Barney never goes away, and right now she needs some amazing in her life.

* * *

><p>Barney strongly suspects he's in for something more tonight. Marshall and Lily were far too insistent that he meet them at MacLaren's for a drink. This must be the buildup to another one of Robin's plays, one she's dragged them into this time.<p>

As if on cue, Marshall announces "Robin's here" like he's some kind of lookout and Lily begins immediately preening, until her face falls and she blurts out, "Who the hell is that?"

Now Barney is sure something's up. He looks over to the coat rack and sees Robin with the same weather girl he saw at her work a few days ago. Robin's wearing another sexy dress, this time red, and she does look incredible. The dress hugs her in all the right places, showing off her fantastic figure, and the slit up to mid-thigh is like a peek-a-boo tease every time she takes a step. She comes walking up to the booth, her arm linked with the weather girl's, and he's dying to know just exactly what her attempt will be this time.

Robin offers a blanket, "Hey, guys", for cover. Then her eyes go straight to Barney as she greets him coyly. This _has_ to get his attention. It worked in the past; it should certainly work now when she's not only throwing a little girl-on-girl his way but is also openly willing to go back to his place for a little girl-on-guy. Now, to go in for the kill. "This is Brandi, my fun friend from work who just doesn't even care."

She addressed that last part directly to him, and now it all makes sense to Barney – Marshall and Lily's involvement, Lily's low-cut top, her primping. Knowing her pseudo-attraction to Robin, he wouldn't be a bit surprised if Lily was the one to put Robin up to this, assuming she'd be the woman Robin would use as bait. But it seems that both women aren't getting their way tonight. He nods innocently just as Lily starts showing her resentment towards Brandi, confirming his suspicions.

When that fails to get a rise out of Barney, not even a hint of enthusiasm, Robin knows she's going to have to go all-in with this to get his attention. Even as they're talking, she puts her arm around Brandi, petting her shoulder, letting Barney catch on to their vibe from the start. "We just came from a work party. Oh my god, I drank so much," she giggles. "Wanna have some more fun, Brandi?"

"Sure, I always like fun."

"Let's go find a song on the jukebox," Robin suggests, slinging her arm around Brandi's waist.

Brandi nods her agreement, but once they get away from the others she says, "We didn't have a party at work." Then she frowns. "Or did I miss it?"

"Shh, Brandi, just go with it, okay? We're gonna dance together," Robin informs her, picking the sleaziest song she can find. "I mean _really_ dance together. My friend likes to watch that kind of thing."

"Whatever you say."

When they return from whispering together, Robin and Brandi start dancing provocatively, their arms around each other and their faces close together like at any second they might kiss. Barney sits back and watches in pure appreciation, figuring he might as well enjoy the show. Even though he can't act on it yet that doesn't mean he can't commit this moment to memory. As they twist and sway their hips together, he nods approvingly to Marshall, who is also clearly enjoying this in the way that only a man can; the guy's actually sweating.

Robin bites her lip with happiness as she edges even closer to Brandi. This is working! She can feel his eyes on her. Soon Lily has to physically pull Marshall back away from them. It's the right reaction from the wrong man, but she's confident Barney is feeling that way too. He just needs a little encouragement from her end. "It's late. _I'm so tipsy_." She gazes down at him in obvious invitation.

Barney smiles at that. He can't help it. Part of him is amused by all this, how much she wants him, her endearing attempts to seduce him. But the bottom line is that she's using sex as a stalling tactic from facing the true issue, that it's making her crazy to think he no longer wants anything between the two of them. Rather than confronting and accepting _why_ it's making her crazy – because she loves him and wants to be with him – she just keeps trying to get him to have sex with her instead, both to prove the door isn't locked and to give her a momentary fix that will allow her to go back to living in denial afterwards. He can't let that happen. As long as she's still refusing to face her feelings for him, regrettably, it's going to require him to hurt her a little to get her to come around and force her out of that denial once and for all.

But on the bright side, he's just found the perfect opportunity to speak to Patrice alone. He knows through Robin that she has the late shift on Sunday nights. It's a cinch she'll be at WWN right now. He just has to get into the studio – and, unbeknownst to her, Robin just gave him his ticket in. "It _is_ late. We should get out of here," he agrees, directing that proposition straight to Robin. The way she looks at him after his suggestion that they go someplace alone affects him far more than the show she just put on for his benefit. The naked arousal, the assurance of all he could have with her, all they could be doing if he only leaves with her right now, is far more tempting than the cheesy girl-on-girl scene she just tried to create.

Barney gets up from the booth and Robin bites her lip again at the excitement coursing through her. _This is it_. She's going to have her lobster and she's going to delight in every last second of it. This time there won't be any cheating, no guilty feelings, nothing but the two of them and every breathtaking, incredible, legendary way he makes her feel. Oh, she's ready for this. She's more than ready. A little too ready….Maybe they can start some light hand stuff in the cab.

Unable to contain her smile, she softly brushes her hair from her face as he meets her gaze. "So," he says, his voice low, his eyebrows rising suggestively. Robin can feel herself beaming but she doesn't care, hardly even cares if she drags him out of the place running. Tonight they're _finally_ going to be together and she wants to hasten that along. In her mind they're already at his place, in his king-size bed, right now. All she cares about is catching up reality to that fantasy.

But then the unthinkable happens. Barney turns that smile, those suggestive eyes, away from her. "_Brandi_," he says, and Robin's smile falls, her expression tumbling into pained disbelief. "You ever sneak into the studio and _do it_ in front of the weather map?"

Robin blinks at that. No. This can't be happening. _No_. She looks to Brandi to gauge her reaction, hoping she kills this thing here and now; it's her last hope. She can't bear seeing her whole plan backfire and Barney hook up with someone else she all but handed to him.

"No. Why do you ask?" Brandi says, clueless, like the ditz she is.

Robin sees so clearly now what's going to happen. He's going to sweet-talk her right out of her clothes in a matter of minutes, and when it's over there will be the usual cabinet meeting, rocket launch, government emergency calling him away. No. NO.

Barney looks to Robin. "No reason," he smiles. He knows that she knows. She's picturing everything that she thinks is about to go down and it's killing her inside. He hands Brandi her coat, laughing the pleased laugh of a man about to nail an easy airhead, the laugh she's heard enough time to understand its full meaning. But to really push the point home, he adds, "Someone's about to get – " He makes sure to catch Robin's gaze. " – unseasonably _banged_."

Robin blinks rapidly as he walks away, her mouth falling open in dismay. She feels as if she's been slapped. The pain is that sudden and sharp. He wants Brandi and not her. It's like she's invisible to him. Her breath comes out in a rush. "Dammit," she cries, throwing her hands up. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing. It was awesome," Marshall attests as Lily drags him away.

Left alone at MacLaren's, Robin sinks down into Barney's vacated spot. Marshall's right; there is nothing she could have done differently. Barney would just rather have the easy blonde than her. He's always had a thing for blondes. Quinn proved it.

She's close to tears, already arrived at despair – and she's fresh out of plays. Tonight, Barney is sleeping with another woman, not her, and it's all her own fault.

* * *

><p>Across town, Barney keeps up the ruse with Brandi just long enough to use her to get past night security at WWN. Once inside the offices, he asks her to go open the studio for their tryst to buy him some time.<p>

He's just seen Brandi off and starts to look around the bullpen for any hint of where Patrice might be when, lo and behold, the woman in question pops up from under her desk where she must have been installing something. "Oh, hi, Barney. What are you doing here?"

At nearly midnight, it's a valid question. "Actually…" Barney looks around to make sure the coast is clear and Brandi is still occupied. He can't chance her hearing any of this; she doesn't have the brains to keep it from Robin. "I'm looking for you. This may sound kinda weird, but I have a proposition for you." He knows he's going to have to be straightforward and sincere if she's ever going to agree, but he's still nervous. Nervous at the possibility she'll say 'no'; nervous because he hasn't told anyone about his plan, he hasn't even verbalized his intentions towards Robin or his hopes that she feels the same way. But now is the zero hour. He _has_ to tell Patrice. "Robin and I, we've been friends for a long time."

"I know," Patrice interrupts. "She talks about you all the time."

"She does?" he asks, encouraged. "Well, actually, we're more than friends. I don't know if you know this but we used to date. We've had an on again-off again thing for years now. And I don't want it to be 'off' anymore. I want it to be always 'on'." He takes a deep breath, about to lay it all bare. "Patrice, I'm in love with Robin and I want her to marry me."

"You do?" she asks excitedly, her eyes wide. "That's wonderful. Robin's been hurting over you awfully these past ten months."

"Really? I – But – ten months?" Barney questions, trying to work it out in his mind. "That's all the way to the beginning of the year. What makes you say that?"

"I noticed at work that Robin was really sad last Christmas. Well, more like ever since you started dating Nora, but it got much worse at Christmastime. Then when she came to live with me last winter, that's when I realized how truly heartbroken Robin was. I always tried to give her cookies to make her feel better, like my mom used to do with me, but it didn't work. She'd cry a lot at night when she thought I couldn't hear her. And, one night, I went in to give her a cookie so she wouldn't cry anymore but she was already dreaming, which I thought was a good sign but then I heard her call your name in her sleep," Patrice tells him.

All of this is new information to Barney but Patrice has no reason to lie. She seems to see the world in rose-colored glasses so it's possible that she's exaggerating a bit, but he still stores it all away to think on later. The chance that she could be right about it all has him more optimistic than ever before.

"She tried to act like she was fine when you started dating that other girl and then you got engaged, but I knew better. I could tell Robin wasn't happy with Nick either," she reveals. "And ever since you called off your engagement, she started mentioning you constantly. I was so excited about our BFF Funday last month because I thought she was finally ready to talk about it. But she didn't want to."

"I know. I know, she doesn't," Barney confirms. "But she needs to. We _both_ need to." Patrice nods at that. "I think Robin has feelings for me too, but she's too afraid to show it. That's why I need your help. I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend to let Robin see that I can be serious and _fully_ committed to someone. And maybe if she sees me with another woman again it will make her jealous and she'll admit that she's fallen for me. What do you say?"

"Yah! I love Robin. Of course I'll help," Patrice exclaims, clapping her hands.

Barney grins happily. "Good. Good." She hugs him, squeezing so hard she lifts him right off his feet. "Great, Patrice. Give me your cell number and I'll be in touch soon. But first I need to speak with Brandi alone."

"Is that part of our plan to help Robin?"

"Yes, Patrice. Yes, it is."

Patrice bounds off cheerfully, leaving Barney alone in the office to wait for Brandi to come back. Leaning against Robin's old desk, he thinks about what Patrice just told him. According to her, Robin's still had feelings for him this entire time. It seems too wonderful to be true, but if it is then the point of his play stands all the more. That would means she's been determined to bury her feelings for him for quite some time and it's going to take something major, like "The Robin", to pull her out of it.

Patrice said Robin used to cry every night. He remembers the look on her face the afternoon he walked into Marshall and Lily's apartment and announced he was engaged to Quinn. Her expression was doubly moving later that night when she told him that it sucked to see how easily he'd forgotten her. The very idea that Robin may have been in love with him all along makes him want to go to her immediately, but he knows she isn't ready yet.

Brandi comes back then and invites him to "do it in seventeen different states at once". He laughs softly, preparing to let her down easy while at the same time making the details of the rejection plausible for when it inevitably gets back to Robin. He has to make it look like he was torn and only declined at the last second. He takes a step closer to her. "Um..." Then back away. "Actually, I don't think I want that. I'm sorry. I'm – I'm – I'm gonna go." Which he does.

An hour later, sitting in his bedroom alone, he takes out _The Playbook_. He's already thought through the basic outline of the play, but fearing he's going to run out of steps before he gets to sixteen – and it absolutely must be sixteen steps to reverse Robin's sixteen 'no's – Barney adds in a bit of filler. _Step 6: Check with your doctor about possible broken ribs_. It might actually be necessary, he thinks, rubbing his sore ribs. Patrice is one strong woman.

Now he's up to the all-important second phase of the play, the one where he'll show Robin that he _is_ husband material and hopefully make her wish he'd be that for _her_ instead of someone else. _Step 7: Pretend to be dating Patrice_.

* * *

><p>The following afternoon, Barney has lunch with Ted, eating chicken strips with every sauce on the menu because now that he has Bro Bibs he can. He could also use the outlet of indulging in a little overeating to soothe his desire for Robin. She's not the only one who feels the chemistry between them and wants to act on it. He's been celibate for a full month now; that's enough on its own. Add the temptation of Robin into the mix and it's nearly impossible for him. He feels like he's churning with combustible steam heat, long overdue for an eruption.<p>

And he still feels bad for hurting her too. Toying with her a little sexually, all the tease and denial and getting her worked up wanting him, that's one thing. Making her think he's actually slept with someone else is entirely different. There was real pain in her eyes last night, and even as it gave him hope he hated being the cause of it.

He knows without asking that Robin will come to MacLaren's after work to commiserate with Lily and perhaps plan another play, and he'll be back too. He has to tell her right away that he didn't have sex with Brandi. He's not going to let her suffer needlessly. She's already spent one night and day thinking he was with someone else. That's enough holding her over the fire, especially when Brandi is the wrong type of pressure point. Pursing a relationship with Patrice is what's really going to send her over the edge. With any luck, seeing him get serious with Patrice will be the thing that truly destroys Robin's ability to block out the fact that she's in love with him and wants it to be her instead. And it all begins tonight.

* * *

><p>Sitting in the booth with Lily, Robin takes a long drink of beer. She couldn't even look at Brandi today. It reminded her of when Barney was dating Nora and going to work each day was like slow torture. At least this was only a meaningless one-night stand. That makes her feel somewhat better, not nearly enough though. She closes her eyes as she swallows the long gulp. "I can't believe Barney went home with Brandi. I should've asked you to do that play with me," she says regretfully, taking another swig.<p>

"Well, it's too late now, isn't it?"

Robin sighs desolately. She's miserable with nothing left to do but bury her sorrows in beer tonight.

"There he is! Straddle me. Start grinding. Nothing's off limits," she hears Lily hysterically exclaim, but before she can even start to process that Barney joins them.

Right away he notices Robin's despondent expression and the way she could hardly even look at him. He sits down beside her, ready to immediately put her mind at ease in at least this one point. "So, last night…."

Robin sets her jaw, preparing herself. The last thing she wants to hear is a story about his latest conquest, all the gory details of exactly where and how he had sex with her coworker.

"Brandi and I got to the WWN studios and…" He turns to face her, propping his elbow on the booth behind them. This performance is all for her.

Robin's eyes are downcast, concentrating on an old scratch on the table. She keeps praying for a last second distraction to deter him from telling the story, but no such luck.

"…my high pressure system…"

She can't handle the sexual euphemisms right now. Taking a deep breath, she looks up, bracing herself to just get through this.

"….was about to slam into her warm front." Barney hears Robin sigh beside him and he goes ahead and ends her misery, telling her what actually happened the night before, most of it anyway; he leaves out his encounter with Patrice. As he finishes, he turns even further toward her, wanting to absorb her every slight reaction.

It's hard for Robin to believe. She's half convinced that her mind is simply hearing what it wants to be true, but she's not that far gone, is she? "Wait, you _didn't_ sleep with her?" she asks with relieved surprised, able to look at him for the first time.

He shakes his head. "Nope," he confirms, snapping the 'p', making it good and plain that no sex was had last night.

Robin stares at him in confusion. Why would he leave with Brandi but then not sleep with her? Barney is definitely a closer, and she has no doubt that Brandi was willing. It makes no sense why he'd just leave like that.

Barney has this speech all prepared too. It's a masterful combination of elements of the truth and pieces of things she's said to him over the past months to make it that much more believable to her. And it's the perfect lead-in to Step 7, which he plans to start tonight. He's already made arrangements with Patrice. "I spent the night thinking about how everything I've done since Quinn and I broke up has been a cry for help. Dressing a dog up like me. Hooking up with all those nannies." That part is true; it has been cry for help. Even with Quinn still around it was hard to keep his mind and heart from continually going back to Robin. Once he called things off with Quinn and he no longer had that _Barney-goes-nuts_ distraction she provided, he had no choice but to once again face the prospect of life without Robin, and it was a hopelessly dismal future.

Robin's eyes fill with tender concern. She knew she was right about all that. He's been suffering. As difficult as it is, it's good for him to finally acknowledge that so the healing can begin. But she feels horribly guilty. Here Barney is hurting and all she's been doing is trying to get him to sleep with her. How could she be so insensitive to him and _his_ needs? She looks over at him with such compassion, such pain at his pain, ready to hear him bear his heart.

This next part is all play, so Barney imbues his voice with a dream-like Ted quality – because he did rip this part off straight from Ted's entire persona. "And I realized that I'm searching, searching for what I _really_ want in life. And you know what? I have absolutely no idea what that is." It's a lie. He's not searching. He knows what he really wants in life. She's sitting right next to him, but he can't tell her that yet.

She sighs, her heart bleeding for him. She wants to take him in her arms, take his hurt away. She aches to do something, anything, to help ease his pain and confusion. "Wow," she breathes, raising her hand ever so slightly towards him. "Barney – "

"But," he stops her, holding up his hands. He's not done with the speech and this next part is important. "I'm going to figure it out. I _have_ to. Goodnight guys," he says, sliding out of the booth.

Robin watches him walk away, dejected and sad. Then she looks back ahead, her eyes closed in shame and self-hatred. "I feel _awful_," she confides to Lily. "Barney is going through something big and I've been obsessing about one stupid, final hookup to get him out of my system." Trying to make him want her is unfair to Barney right now. Forcing him to think about the two of them again after he's just resolved to be done is only going to confuse his feelings. "He needs space and time to figure things out." Yes, she needs to back off and let him sort stuff through on his own, just like he wants to. He deserves that much. She purses her lips, looking determinedly up at Lily. "And I have to give it to him."

Not a lot is said after that. Lily agrees with her decision and Robin finishes her beer, going home to her empty apartment. But the more she thinks about it the more she's sure that what started out as a lobster quest has turned into something more.

After all these days and so many tries, so many plays she's run on him certain that she's going to end up back in his bed, she's come to recognize that she wants to be there but it's _not_ to get him out of her system. Through all of this, and especially last night, she's realized that. Being with Barney involves a huge amount of risk, but maybe her heart just wants to be a gambler. Planning out these hypothetical sexual liaisons, she's gotten used to the idea of the two of them together again for one night that possibly flows into two and then three. She's not ready to let go of that possibility.

She doesn't want to give Barney time and space. If he doesn't know what he wants then maybe he can still want _her_. He's searching, maybe he can find her. Who's to say it has to be one final hookup? Maybe she can help heal him. Space and time isn't what he needs. He needs comfort and love, affection. She can give him that. And she wants to. She's _going_ to. She's going to go to him tonight, and this time she'll leave no room for mistaking her intentions.

Her mind thus made up, Robin strips naked in under a minute. Standing in front of her bedroom mirror, she wonders what Barney will think of her. He used to worship her body but it's been three long years and she's in her thirties now, past his cutoff point. And last year didn't exactly count. Everything was so wild and quick and full of desperate need, there was no time for examination and judgment. But gazing at her body in the mirror she likes what she sees. She's still hot. She knows Barney will think so too – and she's going to go all out to make sure that he does.

This is not even a play, not this time, she thinks as she slips into black lace panties and a purple push-up bra. This is an offering. No schemes, no elaborate seduction techniques. Just coming to him in his favorite lingerie. She steps into the black lace overlay – the one that accentuates the waist, the curves of the female body – and pulls it up over her hips, fastening all the hooks and twisting it into place. Almost but not quite there, she slides thigh-high silk stockings up her legs, fastening the garters, and as a finishing touch she steps into patented leather heels. Approving of the image reflected back at her, she spritzes her body with perfume before grabbing her coat. She won't be needing any other clothes than this.

It doesn't matter that this is obvious. It doesn't matter that he'll know she wants it too. It's okay because they both do. She's just making the move now, letting him know it isn't possible for him to make a fool of himself over her when she wants him this badly too. This is complete surrender, a bold proffering: _Here I am; have me. Let me make you feel better. We can make each other feel better._

And they will. Everything will be better from here on out.

* * *

><p>Barney knows she's going to come to him tonight. She won't be able to resist. She practically melted a few days ago at his grief over Cornelius, thinking he was "sensitive" and "deep". The truth is Robin responds to that. He was always afraid to be vulnerable with her, but he's learned through the nanny and Brover incidences that when he <em>is<em> vulnerable it brings out her nurturing, tender side. And she doesn't like seeing him hurt.

She'll come tonight. Maybe to try another play, maybe just to talk. But she _will_ come to him. And when she does she'll find Patrice there and Step 7 will begin.

He no sooner finishes the thought than a knock comes. "You ready, Patrice?" he asks as he passes by to answer the door.

"Sure, Barney. We're on a date and we're playing cards. I got it."

The cards had been his idea to show Robin that he's above a purely sexual connection with a woman. He wants more than that, something deeper, and he's perfectly capable of spending an evening with a woman in a non-physical context.

On the other side of the door, Robin has no real plan for what she's going to say. The main idea is to remove her coat and let chemistry take over, let him lose himself in her and her in him. But when he opens the door looking surprised and confused, she remembers how torn he was at MacLaren's, how lost and sad he's been these past two months, and words of sweet reassurance just come out of her naturally. "It's okay if you don't know what you want in life," she tells him.

Her voice is tender, her eyes soft and shining and focused intensely on his, and Barney is touched that she so obviously cares about him. But before he can respond, she continues, "As long as you know…" Her tone is seductive now as she loosens the knot of her belt. "…what you want…"

Her hands go to the lapels of her trench coat and his eyes follow. What he sees is nothing but bare skin. Dear lord. He suddenly knows what she's going to do. She's not wearing anything under that coat. As she starts to peel it open he immediately trains his gaze back up to her face, wills himself to look at her eyes only – _her eyes only_ – for one, because he's not supposed to be showing interest in her and, for two, because Naked Robin is just too great a temptation to resist.

"….tonight," she finishes, shedding the coat completely and letting it pool at her feet. But if he thought not looking at her body would save him, he was wrong. The look on her face as she strips for him is just as devastating, just as intense an enticement.

She smiles softly, waiting for him to kiss her, to touch her, to react _somehow_, but he just stands there dumbfounded. He honestly had not seen this part coming. To spur him on, she stretches her hands out to either side of the doorframe, more fully offering her body to him.

"Well….." Barney begins. He's trying to be good – really, he is – but at the movement of her body his eyes stray down to her chest, his gaze trailing over her breasts, so tanned and perky and right there for the taking. A soft exhale, half groan and half sigh, escapes him. He forces his eyes back to hers, but when he speaks again his voice is a full octave lower. "…I do know what I want," he tells her, holding her gaze meaningfully. And it's the truth. He's _looking_ at what he wants: her. But not stripping for him on the outside of his apartment. Inside his home, in his life, as his wife.

Robin smiles at his words. So he _does_ want her still, after all. That's perfect. He can want her tonight. He can want her tomorrow. Anytime. She's sure that any moment now he's going to reach for her and kiss her, pull her into the apartment and kick the door closed behind them, and then they'll make their fumbling way to his bedroom. Or maybe they won't even make it to the bedroom this first time. His couch is plenty comfortable; they've done it there enough times for her to know.

Barney can see from her soft, open expression that she doesn't at all suspect what's about to happen. He expected her to come to him tonight but not like this, not to get naked on his doorstep. She put herself out there and being rejected this way is going to both hurt and embarrass her. But he has no choice. He can't settle for her taking the easy way out anymore. He can't allow her to give in to her passion for him without also acknowledging the deeper emotions that go along with it. As hard – double entendre definitely intended – as it is for him to turn her down, until she's ready to admit her feelings she's not getting any feeling.

He steps aside to let her see Patrice sitting on his couch behind them. "Hi, Robin," she waves enthusiastically, still so excited just to be a part of the play that's going to help her.

Robin's eyes turn murderous. How can this be? How is Patrice ruining _this_ for her too – and here in Barney's apartment, not even at the studio? "Nobody asked you here, Patrice!" she screams.

Barney face is grave as he watches her come undone. To have to refuse her this way when she's made herself so vulnerable and is offering herself so fully, and to have that all happen at the exact same time that he's also introducing Step 7 is unfortunate, especially in that someone else has to be a witness to Robin's embarrassment. But he still needs to go ahead with the play, and he can't deny that it's guaranteed to have more impact this way. "Actually, I did. Last night."

He explains what led them here, telling her a completely false story about attempting to sleep with Brandi but Patrice finding him instead and comforting him with broken heart-shaped cookies and hugs and counseling, a story loosely based on some of the things Patrice told him about her own attempts to comfort Robin last winter. "After that I sent Brandi packing and Patrice and I talked all night."

Robin's mind is still reeling, but this new information gradually sinks in. Here she thought Barney was so lost and she could comfort him but….She blinks, her expression horrified and wounded as she looks beyond him to Patrice.

He doesn't want her. Still. He wants to talk all night with _Patrice_. She thought she could provide him with some sort of sexual healing but apparently he's already found all the healing he needs. This is worse than Brandi, far worse than just some dumb sexual conquest. He's actually sharing himself and his heart with someone else – Patrice of all people.

"We're kind of on a date right now," Barney clarifies.

She looks at him, stunned, trying to find words but she can't. He's actually _dating_ Patrice….and she just turned up in the middle of their evening together to strip naked for him when he's clearly not interested. Oh, god. She's made a complete fool of herself.

To further the play by giving off the impression that her little strip tease hasn't affected him at all, he politely if a bit ironically offers, "But if you'd like to – " His eyes start to stray down to her nakedness but he quickly pulls them back up. " – throw on some clothes and join us for crazy eights," he finishes, with a slight shrug.

"I can deal you in. My deck has puppies on it," Patrice grins.

Robin just stares at her. She feels like a fish, suddenly left floundering on dry land. Not only is he not interested in her, but he's completely unfazed by her propositioning him, treating her as nothing more than a platonic friend who he'll graciously invite to join him on date night though he really hopes she'll decline. She feels the tears start to burn in the back of her eyes and she knows it's only a matter of minutes before they begin falling in oceans down her checks. She blinks, trying to contain them for now, trying to force them back and buy herself a moment's time.

She still can't find any words to say to him. What is there to say at a time like this? And all the while she's standing here, nearly naked. "Um…" She bends down to retrieve her coat. This is awful. God, how much this hurts. Standing upright again, she looks into his eyes, struggling to form an intelligent sentence to explain her behavior, to – to what? To wish him well with someone else?

Still in shock, she holds the coat up, wrapping it around her body to cover herself. She hopes to escape with as much dignity as she has left – which is next to nothing, but at least this is better than falling apart in the middle of his date, bursting into tears and begging him to love _her_ instead. "I….gotta go." She presses the coat to her side to cover her nakedness from all angles while she leaves as fast as she can.

Barney sees her eyes shining with unshed tears as she walks away, and it takes everything in him to stay standing still at his door. He hates seeing her hurt, ever, under any circumstance. Tonight was especially difficult because Robin coming to him and offering herself to him this way is, to borrow her word, _literally_ like a dream come true. And he does want her; of course he wants her. She's his smart, funny, gorgeous, beautiful, perfect woman. Everything he's ever yearned for right there within arm's reach.

For so many reasons it's heart-wrenchingly difficult not to go after her and bring her back. But he has to stay strong. Letting her go tonight could be the difference between one last fling and forever. Robin still has to come to terms with her feelings for him, and if this is the only way to make it happen, then so be it. Because he does love her, and he knows that if she'll only give him a chance the two of them together will be the best thing in the world for the both of them.

In the privacy of the thankfully empty elevator, Robin properly puts her coat back on. She makes it through the entire cab ride with the tears softly leaking from her eyes, allowing her to discreetly wipe them away. But the very instant she unlocks the door to her apartment and is away from prying eyes, she falls apart completely, reduced to full-on weeping with racking spasms and tears that won't stop until she finds it difficult to even catch her breath. She hasn't cried this hard since the night she found out Barney was engaged, and she hadn't cried that hard before then since the night she imagined what their children would have looked like. It isn't a coincidence that the times she's lost control the most and grieved the hardest have all been over Barney.

It's impossible not to think about how things could be right now if she had made different choices. Earlier tonight those choices didn't matter because she was going to go to him now and be with him in every sense of the word. They were going to indulge in each other all night until they were both thoroughly satisfied, and then they were going to fall asleep together with his arm draped across her hip like they used to do. Then, in the morning, that hand would always go traveling and they'd inevitably start up again. Who knows what that could have been the real start of?

But she's not with him tonight. Instead she's all alone, and there is no hope of being with him in _any_ sense of the word.

Because he's not searching anymore. She's had her chances and she blew through them all, every last one. Now Barney thinks he's found what he's been looking for, what he wants out of life. And, sadly, devastatingly, it isn't her.


	34. 810

**AN**: I took some creative license moving a scene around (potentially) in this chapter. At the very beginning of 8.10, Future Ted says to the kids "You remember Patrice" and then it flashes to the scene of Patrice saying she fought off a mugger to save Robin's purse. They are never clear within the show itself when that scene actually takes place, but for me it makes the most sense for that to occur right before Barney and Patrice's "date" at his apartment because Barney mentions Patrice's hurt shoulder then, however throughout all of Patrice's other scenes in 8.10 her shoulder seems fine and no mention is made of it.

* * *

><p><strong>The Overcorrection<strong>

The morning after what Robin refers to in her mind as 'The Stripping Incident' because that sounds so much better than 'The Time Barney Turned Me Down Flat', she's resolved to head to work even though seeing Patrice is about the last thing she wants to do. Picking yourself up and going on as if nothing ever happened is just what Scherbatskys do.

But when she gets up out of bed she steps on her purple bra. It – along with the panties, lace overlay, and stockings – was discarded in a heap on the floor sometime during one of her crying jags the night before in favor of the comfy PJs she currently has on. Seeing the bra again reminds Robin of her humiliation and Barney's thorough rejection. She literally stripped naked in front of him and he could care less. Barney Stinson of all people, who never declined a willing woman, wanted absolutely nothing to do with naked her. The thought that he no longer wants her at all, not even for sex, starts the tears flowing again. Scherbatsky or not, she's calling in sick to work.

Robin looks around her bedroom floor in search of the trench coat that still has her phone in its pocket when she remembers that she already took today off as personal day. Crap. This has been planned for a month. Lily missed their girlfriend time and said she never got to go out anymore since she had the baby, so she got her dad to babysit, took the day off work too, and today was supposed to be a girls' day – a trip to the spa, gorging on pastries and coffee, maybe catching a matinee, the whole nine yards. Lily's going to kill her if her bad mood ruins their day. And, judging by the time, she's going to be here any minute. Double crap.

As if on cue, there's a knock at her front door. Robin walks out of the bedroom to go face the music. Why not? She's been doing a lot of that lately and it can't possibly be worse than last night. "Hi," she says, pulling open the door.

Lily takes in her PJs and bare feet, and her face pulls into an angry frown. "I guess you forgot." But after one look at Robin's red-rimmed eyes and the stray tear on her cheek that she must have missed wiping away, she eases up on her harsh tone.

"I can get ready in a hurry," Robin promises, already walking down the hall to her bedroom while Lily follows. "I just….." She sniffs seeing the evidence again as she enters the room. "I found these," she indicates the undergarments on the floor with a sweeping gesture, "and I got upset all over again."

"Found what?" Lily asks. She walks into the bedroom too and promptly trips on the strings of Robin's garter belt. She bends down and picks up the lacy lingerie. "Ooh, this is nice. Is it new?"

Shaking her head miserably, Robin sinks down onto her bed. "It's old. I just haven't worn it in years." Three years actually, not since she and Barney were dating. He bought the three piece set for her and loved the way she looked in it. All these years since, she couldn't bear to get rid of it or to wear it for another man. It was in a place of honored retirement in the back of her lingerie drawer, until last night.

"Why were you wearing it now?" Judging by the sad shape Robin is in this morning, Lily's almost afraid to ask but she has to know. "What happened last night?"

Robin dreads telling her, both because things don't turn out so well for her in this story and because she knows exactly what Lily is going to say. But it's too late to pretend now. She obviously knows something's up. "I went over to Barney's."

Lily shakes her head. "I thought you were going to give him space and time." Robin merely shrugs. "What did you do?" she asks like the longsuffering mom she often feels she is to the two of them.

"I went over to his place wearing that….and nothing else."

"Oh, Robin," Lily sighs.

She grimaces but goes on. "I stripped off my coat and told him all he had to know was that he wanted me tonight."

Lily blows out a heavy breath. Honestly, these two really are like children. Or a pair of horny dogs. Get them together in a room and all they do is hump each other's brains out without ever actually dealing with the feelings that make them want to do so in the first place. "So you guys slept together. I take it it went badly after that?"

"No. It didn't go at all. We _didn't_ sleep together."

"What? Really?" That is surprising. Robin shows up wearing a bra and panties and nothing else and Barney doesn't hit that? It's more than surprising, it's downright shocking.

Robin's grief is heightened by the fact that clearly Lily sees this as an colossal anomaly too. Since when isn't Barney affected at least a little by a nearly naked woman offering herself to him? It had to be just her he was unmoved by. "He didn't want me, Lily," she tells her sadly. "And to make matters worse, he was actually in the middle of a date with someone else. She was sitting on the couch behind us the entire time and saw the whole thing."

"Robin, I'm sorry."

"Oh, it gets even better. That woman was _Patrice_."

"Patrice? Your Patrice?"

"Yeah. Or _Barney's_ Patrice. Apparently they're dating now." She's fully aware she sounds bitter, but someone needs to appreciate the ironic horror of what happened to her last night.

And now it makes all kinds of sense to Lily why Robin's been crying. "So what did you do?"

"What could I do? I put my coat back on and I left." And cried in the elevator, and in the cab, and off and on all night long at her apartment. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life."

Embarrassed is one thing but it doesn't usually cause bursting into tears at the mere sight of the outfit you were wearing at the time. Obviously something more is going on here. It always has been or Robin wouldn't have been obsessing over Barney the way she was that led up to this in the first place. She definitely still has feelings for him that she's not letting herself acknowledge. But Lily knows she's going to have to tread lightly or get shut down altogether. "Are you sure embarrassed is _all_ you felt?"

Whatever's going on between her and Barney is complicated. It's always been complicated. People on the outside just don't understand it. That's why Robin isn't ready to be cornered on the issue now of all times when she's already feeling far too raw. "I don't want to talk about it, Lily. Come on. Let's just have our girls' day. I'll get dressed," she swears, starting to rifle through her closet for something to throw on in a hurry.

"Okay," Lily concedes, knowing that arguing with her is pointless. But she does have to add her two cents on one point. She promised herself she'd stay out of it and for the most part she will, but when she sees Robin suffering so much she has to give her a little help. That's what friends are for. "But, Robin, you know that was a bad plan anyway, right? Getting Barney out of your system by sleeping with him _one last _time? That never would have worked. It's like cheating on a diet. It just makes you want it more and more until before you know it you're downing a whole cake."

"Well there's not going to be any going down on anyone," Robin says sullenly. "So you don't have to worry." Lily gives her a look that reads half compassion and half grossed out. "Look, you have to promise not to tell anyone about this _ever_. Not even Marshall. I mean it, Lily. This is really important."

"Okay. I promise."

* * *

><p>Though she dreads going back to work, Robin somehow manages to get through the next two days. Mainly her tactic is to avoid Patrice as much as possible. But every time the woman mentions "my Barney" it makes Robin want to strangle her.<p>

When one more day at work is finally over, she meets the gang for a much needed beer, and Barney is noticeably not there. She's barely seen him since the infamous stripping, just once briefly the night before and he acted like nothing had happened at all.

Right now, with just the four of them, the conversation revolves around Marshall's mom coming for a visit. It only starts to get interesting to Robin when Ted mentions how no one ever returns his things. With her in particular he demands that he wants his _Weekend at Bernie's _DVD back that she borrowed "well over six months ago".

Actually she borrowed it from Ted's film collection in early February. To this day Barney loves that movie and he always said she should see it. She told him the concept of carting around a dead guy's body was stupid. But, in a moment of weakness, she was thinking of him and instinctively went for the film. Then she felt so guilty for thinking of Barney at all while she was still dating the man she'd already cheated on with him once that she never could watch it. She kept it in her room though, and somehow it got mixed up with her things when she moved out. She found it one night in early May just before she ran into Nick again. She would have never admitted it at the time but seven months out she can allow, at least privately, that she was wallowing and it reminded her of Barney. Then, in July, Barney got into a huge fight with Quinn. It just so happened that Marshall and Lily had taken Marvin on his first trip up to Minnesota to meet his family, and Ted and Victoria were out of town too for some kind of bed and breakfast weekend thing. So he went to MacLaren's to seek solace alone and found her there instead. Over a scotch or two she mentioned that she'd finally watched the movie and it was actually really funny _and_ she still had Ted's DVD. They ended up back at her place watching it together. After seeing the whole movie, Barney insisted they watch the Special Edition's behind the scenes features too. Before they knew it they'd stayed up all night, drinking, lighting up a cigar, and watching some Bernie.

She couldn't ever bring herself to give the DVD back after that. It's like a souvenir she keeps in the nightstand beside her bed. She still watches it from time to time and thinks of him, remembering the fun they had that night.

Without even a hint of the subterfuge Marshall and Lily showed, Robin brazenly informs Ted, "Yeah, I'm keeping that. Those extra features are _awesome_. And that making of documentary?" There's no way she's letting it go.

Her boldness only eggs Ted on in his rant, finally concluding at, "And where's the worst abuser of my generosity, Barney?"

At the mention of his name, or more particularly where he could be at the moment, Robin looks away, staring forlornly at nothing in particular. She already fears where he is. She overheard a phone conversation at work today that gave her distinct suspicions.

When Marshall confirms that Barney's out with Patrice, she can't help the sound of disgust that escapes her. "Patrice. That's still happening?" she asks resentfully. Jealousy is eating her up inside. It has been ever since Barney turned down her advances in favor of Patrice. It's an uncomfortable feeling she wants to be rid of, so much so that in the past few days she's worked it all out in her mind that it's not even real. It's all just a ploy because he's still upset about the night he kissed her and she pushed him away. "That Barney and Patrice thing is so bogus," she insists, looking around for support. "I mean he's clearly trying to get back at me for rejecting him."

"Um, Robin, after you rejected Barney didn't _he_ reject _you_?" Ted points out.

She looks away, trying to act like it's water rolling off her back. Besides, that's not how it happened at all. Ted doesn't understand her 'one last time' plan. He wasn't there through most of it anyway so anything he knows is hearsay. That's why it doesn't matter. Nope. Not one bit. But then….

"And didn't you go over to his place and try to sleep with him in your purple and black underwear?" Marshall so helpfully adds.

The last thing she needs is to relive that night. And this means they all know about her humiliation, the fact that mister two-hundred plus didn't even want her enough to take the sex she was freely offering.

Hurt, she lashes out at the source of her betrayal – because one thing she does know, Barney isn't the one who told them. "Hey, ah, Lil, feel free to disregard that 'don't tell anyone about this ever' thing." Seeking revenge, she leans into Ted and rats her out. "She has your mini cooler," she reveals, staring down Lily all the while. To carelessly let slip such an extreme and sensitive confidence between the two of them shows a lack of loyalty and she deserves to be punished.

Feeling a little bit better after having her reprisal, Robin goes back to her original line of thinking, which is that none of it matters if it's simply not real. If it's all just a ploy to get back at her not only does that prove that Barney didn't really reject her, it actually proves he must have _feelings_ for her too if he's going to this much trouble to get her attention by pretending to have no interest in her at all and go out with her archenemy instead. "But, seriously, what other reason would Barney have to date Patrice?"

"It's an overcorrection," Ted declares.

"How dare you," is her petulant reply. The question was meant to be rhetorical. She doesn't literally want to hear explanations or sound reasoning. She simply wants them to agree with her that it all must be pretend and for her benefit because Barney is _not_ done with her. Yet, even though she's annoyed at Ted's attempt at justification, it's a little hard to convincingly portray offense when she doesn't know what he means. Plus now that it's in her head she can't help asking, "And what is that?"

Ted begins by saying that Barney was once engaged to Quinn, a stripper he never trusted, and at the mere mention of Quinn's name Robin rolls her eyes and fidgets in the booth. She doesn't want to hear about _that_ either. But Ted goes on to explain that Barney's behavior now is a result of choosing the complete opposite this time, someone warm and nurturing like Patrice.

Robin blinks heavily. That actually does make a lot of sense. But she doesn't _want_ it to make sense; she doesn't want it to be real, dammit. The gang continues to give further examples and her eyes narrow in agitation. He friends are making it sound more and more plausible for Barney to be truly dating Patrice….and she doesn't like it at all.

* * *

><p>At his apartment, Barney pours himself a drink, letting his mind wander back to the events of three nights ago. The image of Robin standing on his doorstep wearing next to nothing will forever be burned in his brain. He recognized the lingerie too. It may have been years but he has a cerebral catalog of images of Robin in various states of undress that he committed to memory and flips through at will. That one in particular was a gift from him and a personal favorite. He's just glad that Patrice was there to stop him from weakening.<p>

He sits down at his desk, staring at _The Playbook_ for a half a second before opening it to the back and ripping out the final page. Because all of this is leading to one grand conclusion: he needs Robin to witness him destroying _The Playbook_. He's through with that lifestyle once and for all. He made his mind up on that point over a year ago, but it's taken the hope – the actual chance – of having _Robin_ for his future wife to make it stick permanently. Sleeping around was all he knew for the longest time until he met her and what he felt for her showed him how truly empty and cheap all the one-night stands were. It's true that there was a certain amount of fun in the chase and the actual sex was enjoyable to differing degrees in the actual moment, but afterwards it only made him feel worse – worse about his life, about himself, about the connection he has with Robin that he's never been able to find with anyone else. He loves her and she's _all_ that he wants for life. He has absolutely no doubts about that.

She does, though. That's the one problem standing between them now and why he needs to not only destroy _The Playbook_ as a symbolic representation of demolishing that old lifestyle but Robin also needs to see it for herself to know that it's true and irrevocable. That's been in his mind since the beginning of this play, and he already has a rough outline of how it's going to go.

Picking up his cellphone, Barney dials Patrice. Once she answers he gets straight to it, asking her how Robin's been taking their new 'relationship'. Patrice initially refuses to have a single complaint against Robin but upon further prodding she finally allows that, "Robin's been a little more aggressive than usual."

Barney has witnessed some of Robin's prior interactions with Patrice so he's fully aware that "a little more aggressive" must mean she's treating her terribly now. That's why he cautions her that things with Robin may become increasingly difficult as this continues to unfold. It's important that Patrice understands what to expect and that they've pre-rehearsed as much as possible so she can handle it correctly when things do come up.

Knowing Robin the way he does, and now finally understanding the true issue that's stood between them all this time, he can anticipate exactly what her next move will be. Robin already tried to use what she thought was her failsafe bargaining chip with him – sex – and it didn't work. Now she'll turn her focus elsewhere. "Since I refuse to come to my senses, Robin is going to try to talk _you_ out of it," he warns Patrice. He knows all too well the approach she'll use, the same one she's used to talk herself out of getting back together with him all this time. "She'll try to scare you away by revealing my true colors and that all I want is to get women to sleep with me." Her next move will inevitably be to use this very book as evidence against him to dissuade Patrice and end their 'relationship'. "She's gonna tell you all about _The Playbook_."

"_The Playbook_? What is that?"

Barney flinches. He's has to be honest with her. Robin will even if he isn't. He just prays once she hears the truth she'll still agree to help him. "It's a book of elaborate schemes I made up to trick women into having one-night stands with me with the guarantee that I'd never have to see them again afterwards."

"You really did that?"

Her voice has the sound of a wide-eyed kid who's just been told there is no Santa Claus. "Yeah, I did that. But not anymore. Robin's seen and knows it all though, every last dirty detail. So you can understand why she doesn't want to admit she's in love with a guy like that."

"Everyone can change, Barney."

"I have," he vows, and he means it with his whole heart. He's still the same Barney Stinson, still the man Robin knows and he hopes loves, but he has changed in all the ways that count. "I just hope Robin will see it that way. That's what I'm trying to show her now. "

"What can I do to help?"

They make plans to meet for lunch tomorrow to go over things, and once they hang up Barney starts to thoroughly sketch out how the next few days will go. First of all, he'll be sure to coach Patrice to doubt Robin's warnings and act disbelieving of the very existence of such a book. When Patrice doesn't believe her Robin will become determined to get proof and there's only one surefire way to do that, produce the book itself. But she knows he won't just hand it over…which brings him to his next step.

_Step 8: Wait until Robin inevitably breaks into your place to find The Playbook and show it to Patrice_

He won't let her leave the apartment with it though. He has to be able to carefully orchestrate the scene that will lead to Robin witnessing the destruction of _The Playbook_. While she's still inside he and Patrice will arrive unexpectedly. Robin will realize her plans are ruined but she won't give up. Knowing the two of them are there together will make her even more desperate, leading her to leave the book out for Patrice to find that way, which is yet another reason this has to go down at his place specifically. He needs to be able to observe Robin's whereabouts at all times to maintain careful control of the situation. That's an integral part of the play and he adds it into Step 8: _which you'll monitor via the hidden cameras you have in your apartment_.

But there has to be a legitimate reason for burning _The Playbook_ and the declaration that precedes it. If Patrice discovers it and accepts his explanation it will seem less believable for him to suddenly insist on burning it. Robin will immediately recognize it as staged. What he has to do is set up a fake argument. So Barney writes in – _Step 9: After Patrice "finds" The Playbook, have your first "big fight". _

It will be perfect. He'll let Robin leave the book someplace where Patrice will see it. Once she does, he'll come clean and confess the whole truth about it which will naturally cause Patrice to freak out and lead to an argument. At its culmination, he'll promise he's changed because of his love for her – a truth directed at Robin not Patrice and she'll eventually find that out.

And then the ultimate confirmation – _Step 10: Prove your loyalty to Patrice by burning The Playbook_. He pauses for a moment before adding: _and actually burn it. You don't need it anymore_.

It's true, and though it may be a part of the play, the burning of it will be real. How on earth is he ever supposed to convince Robin he's serious about her when he's keeping a one-night stand manual in a place of honor in his home? He'll destroy his _Playbook_ for her like he's already destroyed that old part of himself. He has to prove once and for all that Womanizer Barney is dead. He's transformed and reborn and this new Barney belongs entirely to her. He'll never need or want _The Playbook_ again. All he needs and wants is Robin.

Now comes the intensive planning. Of course he already has cameras in the main areas of his home, a known fact which Robin's current obsession will cause her to forget. But he needs to outfit every single room, closet, and hiding space with cameras too, and ones that are also miked for sound. He has to know what Robin is doing and saying at all times to ensure that (a) Robin finds _The Playbook_, (b) she leaves it out someplace that Patrice is sure to "accidentally" happen upon, and (c) she's in the right place at the right time to witness its destruction.

The best and most natural place to burn it is in the trashcan in the kitchen. It's already there; he won't have to set anything up, so it will seem like the idea just occurred to him in the spur of the moment. It's also made of metal so it can withstand the heat. He'll have a fire extinguisher conveniently standing by – but only after allowing enough smoke to purposefully set off the smoke detector. He'll just have to make sure Robin ends up hiding in the kitchen supply closet, which will have a perfect view of the burning. If she's not that's where improv and the importance of the cameras will come in so he can lure her to exactly where he needs her in that moment.

Barney picks up his phone again to contact his audiovisual guy and his cabinetry guy too because she'll expect him to have _The Playbook_ in some showy hiding place. He decides as he's dialing that he's not going to make this easy on Robin either. For the sheer fun of it, since he's always loved playing with her, he'll have Cabinet Guy set up several decoy places while he's at it.

* * *

><p>As another day at WWN wears on, Robin handles her Patrice-filled work experience the only way she knows how – holing up in her office to avoid her while periodically shooting her the evil eye through her open blinds. It's during one of those periodic times that she happens to see Barney walking into the newsroom, all smiles for Patrice. "Hey, Patrice. You ready for lunch?"<p>

Robin hurries out of her office the instant she hears his voice but, with his arm around Patrice, he turns and leaves without saying a word to her, without even once looking her way. She retreats self-consciously to her office, licking her wounds and ordering in her favorite lunch to eat alone.

Unbeknownst to her, across the street at a little café, Barney is busy plotting with Patrice over sandwiches. After explaining the basic setup to her – Robin breaks into his apartment, leaves the book for Patrice to find, the staged fight and then the burning of _The Playbook_ – he switches to the more minor details. "Every square inch of the apartment will be set up for visual and sound. My tech guys are coming tonight to install the equipment. When the time comes I'll leave so that Robin can break in, but I'll monitor it all from MacLaren's. As soon as I see she's in the apartment I'll give you a call to get down there."

"Okay, I can do that," Patrice nods enthusiastically.

"I thought I should make this look like a big date, very couply. The year before last Robin and I spent Christmas together," he explains. "Everyone else was busy with their families and it ended up being just the two of us." The emotion of it takes him by surprise but the memory is a sweet one. The others still don't even know about it. After Christmas when they all asked about their holidays they lied and said they just stayed home alone. They never consulted with each other about keeping it a secret, and he's often wondered why it was that she lied. He knows why _he_ did. It meant a lot to him. Being with her over the holidays signified, and he didn't want the others questioning and picking it apart. Out of sheer blindness and self-doubt it never occurred to him at the time to think Robin had the same reason, but now he does.

"We met for dinner and drinks and somehow wound up walking through Central Park," he reminisces. "And, I don't know, we'd had too much to drink I guess because we ended up on a carriage ride. We were walking by and the guy asked us if we wanted a ride. I'm not even sure who said yes, but we ended up taking this idyllic ride around the park. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it just the nostalgia of the holidays, but Robin told me that she'd always thought Christmas was the most romantic time of year. It was such an un-Robin-like thing to say it surprised me, but knowing her love for cold weather it stood to reason, and – Oh my god. She wanted me to kiss her." He's just realized it now, two years later.

Of course he'd felt the vibe between them that night. It was the same vibe he felt two months earlier when she came to his door asking if she'd ever made him feel needed back when they were together. But he was sure the vibe was one-sided and just wishful thinking on his part. Looking back with hindsight, he finally understands what an idiot he was. She wanted to ask him something important that morning and never got the chance to. Then at Christmas when they were taking the carriage ride, just like they did back when they were dating, she told him how romantic it was. She gave him an opening a mile wide and like a fool he missed it.

"Wow, you guys are really in love," Patrice sighs happily.

Barney nods determinedly. "I missed my chance then, but I'm going all-out now. My proposal is going to have everything Robin loves about Christmas built into it." He thinks about it a second and figures out what will add to Robin's jealousy. "_Our_ little 'date' this weekend needs to play into that too, a completely romantic winter scene – decorations, a tree, maybe we can make cookies together or something. Just anything that will look seasonal and homey like the Hallmark movies she likes to make fun of but secretly appeal to her on some level or she wouldn't hate them so much – and I know because I'm the same way. We have to really sell this thing, Patrice."

"I'll go along with whatever you say."

"We've got to push the idea that there's this unique connection between us. That'll really get under Robin's skin because of all the different women I've been with she knows I've only had that with her…..Maybe you should mention something about having a Get Psyched mix. That should do it."

"A Get Psyched mix?"

"Yeah, it's this list of songs you listen to – " He cuts off, reaching into his pocket for his iPhone. "Here, I'll show you. And while we're at it we should go over the list of code words I came up with."

* * *

><p>Two hours later, Robin is still fuming. She <em>has<em> to put a stop to this. This can't be like Quinn, where she just sat back and let it happen without a fight….But this is all pretend anyway she reminds herself when that feeling of panic starts to fill her up.

Patrice doesn't know that, though. If Barney insists on carrying on this charade then she'll just have to talk to Patrice woman-to-woman. After all, it isn't fair of Barney to use her this way. She's only doing the honorable thing in warning her. She'll just go tell Patrice some hard truths about Barney. Sure, he's charming and handsome and sexy and charismatic and guaranteed to make panties drop wherever he goes….including her own on countless occasions….

She shakes herself from that line of thinking. The point is that he has his dark qualities too. She knows them all too well. They sent _her_ running away. Someone as sweet and innocent as Patrice will certainly be horrified. She's merely trying to help the woman out.

Putting on a face of caring concern, Robin finds her in the main office and stops her. "Patrice, we need to talk about you and Barney."

"Okay," she cautiously replies. Barney warned her something like this would be coming.

Robin clears her throat, affecting her most innocent voice. "You know that Barney is my dear friend, but so are you," she says, biting her lip like she's just so torn. "What can I do? I've got to be honest with you. Barney is not someone you should date. You need to just dump him. Right away. Like, today."

"Aww, no, Barney is just as sweet as can be."

Robin crosses her arms, the world-wise woman to poor little naïve Patrice. "Barney is _not_ who you think he is."

She was coached for this so Patrice plays it off convincingly. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" Robin looks up, considering what her best argument will be. It's easiest to simply go over all the things that have scared her away. There's the fact that he's slept with over two hundred women. Although to be honest past promiscuity doesn't bother her all that much. She hasn't exactly been an angel herself. The past is the past, and it doesn't mean that a person is incapable of monogamy. But then there's the other fact that he'll say anything to get in a woman's pants, and once he does he grows tired of her. He can be sweet and tender and show you a whole other side of him that no one else gets to see. He'll make you fall head-over-hells, hopelessly in love with him. And then he'll leave you behind to spend his nights perfecting his schemes to sleep around like it's an Olympic sport – which brings her to the worst offence of all. "He has a book of plays he uses to trick women into sleeping with him." Yeah, take that, Patrice. Let's see her still want Barney now. You'd have to _really_ love a guy to still want him knowing all that, Robin's subconscious Voice of Truth mocks her.

"Oh, no way. Barney's my honey bear."

Robin is fuming on the inside. How dare Patrice call him by a pet name? Angrily cutting in, she raises a finger to make her point. "Actually, one of his plays is called "The Honey Bear". He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh and the next thing you know his head's stuck in your pot." That one's a true story too. She read it the summer before he started dating Nora. Marshall and Lily were busy trying to get pregnant and Ted had a date that night. She was hanging out at Barney's place with him watching his big screen TV when she found _The Playbook_ and started reading it, lampooning the plays as she went along. When she got to "The Honey Bear", Barney offered to demonstrate that one with her. She told him it was gross and she was no plushy.

"Robin, you're a doll for worrying about me, but that doesn't sound at all like my Barney."

Robin can feel the frustration beginning to boil over. This was supposed to put her off. _Why isn't it putting her off_? Her facial tick starts, a slight twitching of the eye, and then explosion. "WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HELP YOU, PATRICE?!" She knocks the folder from Patrice's hands and papers go flying, but she merely steps over them as she stalks back to her office.

She has to come up with an idea to stop this thing and it takes her all of three seconds to get there. Patrice won't believe her that _The Playbook_ exists? Well, then she'll steal it and show it to her. Patrice will have to believe her then, and she and Barney will be as good as done….This charade that is, because it's totally not real. Not at all.

Out at her desk, Patrice dials Barney. "Robin just told me about _The Playbook_."

"Fantastic," Barney smiles. "Cabinet Guy's at my apartment right now, and Sound Guy and Camera Guy will be there later tonight. Everything is set for this weekend." With Robin behaving exactly as he anticipated and Patrice playing her role well, Steps 8 through 10 are poised to go like clockwork.

* * *

><p>After work, Robin meets Ted for dinner at MacLaren's like he asked, but once she gets there he keeps arguing with her for going on about Barney. He doesn't believe her when she tells him that Barney's just playing games to get to her so she suggests they go up to Marshall and Lily's and <em>they<em> can tell him she's right.

She barely gets through the door before she starts in with the evidence. "Okay, Barney is _so_ not for real about Patrice. Today, he did the craziest, most clearly staged for more benefit thing ever." She looks at Marshall and Lily, then to Ted, and then back to Lily and Marshall again, making sure she has the room's full attention before presenting her shining proof. Once they're all ready and waiting she explains how Barney showed up at WWN and didn't ask for her, didn't even say 'hi', just smiled all mushy-gushy at Patrice as the two of them went off to lunch together.

Saying it out loud, Robin hears how weak it sounds – borderline insane even – but she won't let it go. Resolute in her belief that this thing isn't real, she laughs nervously and outstretches her hands, reaching for _someone_ to agree with her. When no one says anything she turns to Ted to force his consensus. "Right?" But nothing. Giving up on Ted, she turns to Lily and Marshall for their support. "Right?" she laughs manically.

_Barney isn't faking this for your benefit. That's crazy. You know it and they know it. You just can't handle it that Barney's moved on_. Shut up, Voice of Truth. She's right and that's the end of it.

"I mean…what's next? Birthday gifts?" She laughs a little, aware of the weakness of her argument but unyielding just the same. "Wake up, people. This isn't an overcorrection. It's fraud," she insists, allowing for no argument. "And we need to keep trying to stop this," she finishes indomitably.

When the room stays quiet, Robin puts her hands to hips. They're all looking at her like _she_ is the problem, but she's not. This is Barney's scheme. It's not her going crazy. It is _not_ her being jealous.

"What do you mean '_keep_ trying'?" Lily finally asks.

Busted, Robin looks away, caught red-handed like a moose in the headlights on Trans-Canada Highway 1. "…..I just happened to warn Patrice against the dangers of Barney. I told her about _The Playbook_, but she wouldn't believe me. It's sad, really. I mean she can't see that Barney is using her, and it breaks my heart," she says, sinking down into the chair. None of them seem to be buying the excuse for her behavior so she adds, "You know, I – I – I love Patrice. We're like sisters."

Ted gives her a doubting look. "You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her."

"Sisters fight, Ted!" she shouts irritably before recovering herself. "But the bound is always there." She glances around nervously, waiting to see if anyone's going to say anything about her little outburst. "Okay?"

"Okay."

She nods, ready to further sell her idea as a perfectly rational, charitable public service. "And that's why I need to steal _The Playbook_ and show it to Patrice so she'll believe me."

"_Or_," Marshal speaks up, "you could do almost anything else and not sound so creepy."

Robin pauses a moment. Okay, so it does sound a bit stalker-esque, but this is for the greater good. To help her dear, sweet friend Patrice. That's all.

She hears Ted call her name and she turns to him. "Seriously, this obsession isn't healthy. Just let it go."

Even Ted won't side with her. All of them are refusing to see this from her point of view. Which is fine. She doesn't need them. She'll do this alone.

She sighs heavily in a grand show of some fictitious breakthrough – and then promptly lies through her teeth. There's no way she's letting this go. She _is_ stealing that _Playbook_.

* * *

><p>At WWN the following afternoon, Robin is particularly on edge. Patrice won't believe her. None of her friends will believe her. And this Barney and Patrice thing is still going strong. He's taken her out to lunch <em>again<em> today. She's got to find a way to steal _The_ _Playbook_ as soon as possible.

Patrice suddenly comes running up to her at that moment, fresh from her lunch with Barney. "You left your purse at the vending machine and some guy tried to steal it. I fought him off but I think I dislocated my shoulder."

She should be grateful and she knows it. She should be falling over herself to thank Patrice for preventing the endless hours of cancelling credit cards and avoiding the threat of stolen identity. But all Robin can see is the woman who was sitting on Barney's couch when it should have been _her_ lying there and Barney with her.

"You scratched the leather," she whines. "Ah! _Can't you do anything right, Patrice?_!"

Four hours later, when it's time for Robin to go home, she lingers out in the main office anyway because she happens to overhear Patrice receiving a phone call from Barney – she knows thanks to Patrice repeatedly calling his name. She's only picking up one side of the conversation but they're clearly making a date for tomorrow night, something about decorating his tree together.

She's never known Barney to have a Christmas tree in his apartment. She assumed the threat of stray needles and sap on his suits would rule it out. But not for Patrice. No, for her he'll risk it. The whole thing makes her sick….and empty…and hollow inside.

Conveniently, however, Patrice loudly mentions the exact time Barney will be picking out the tree, and for once her overenthusiasm will come in handy. Now Robin knows exactly when Barney will be out of his apartment for at least an hour or two. She was looking for a golden opportunity to break in and she just found it. All that's left to do is find where Barney's hidden _The Playbook_, show it to Patrice, and she's as good as dumped him.

* * *

><p>The big night finally comes almost a week to the day after Robin showed up at his place offering herself to him, and Barney has everything in place. There's pine garland and candles along the entertainment center, a tree waiting outside, and he stole Ted's decorations. He never had any of his own, never had a tree in the apartment before, but it all sets a festive scene and it's actually kind of nice. The appearance of a romantic date with Patrice? Check.<p>

Things are covered with Robin too. He knows that she knows him well enough to expect some kind of well thought-out hiding place and he's certainly delivered, along with several decoys just to mess with her. He's hidden one of them under his katana because she'll connect it with the two of them and the day she saved him from the crazy baby lady. He also anticipates that she'll eventually get discouraged in her search and want a drink, so he's hidden another decoy via a weight propelled trigger system under his scotch decanter. But the Stormtrooper suit will be the ultimate payoff. Robin's had animosity towards that thing ever since she got stuck in it naked for hours on end when Ted and Marshall came over unexpected and nearly caught them right in the middle of some insane Stormtropper sex. She may hate it but it brings nothing but fantastic memories for him. That time together was _incredible_. He even tried to relive the fantasy with Quinn and though it was enjoyable enough it just didn't measure up. Either way, good or bad, he's sure Robin will at least remember it. That's why he's hidden the real thing there – minus the secret final page which is locked up in a compartment in his bedroom that she'll never find.

All that's left for him to do now is sit in MacLaren's with his eyes glued to the live feed on his phone, waiting for Robin to break in.

* * *

><p>Robin has the distinct advantage that Barney's doorman knows her well. Through him she's able to get confirmation that Barney has indeed left his apartment. Verification received, she hurries upstairs armed with her "Property of Ted Mosby" drill. Even though this is technically breaking the law she will not be dissuaded from finding <em>The Playbook<em>, showing it to Patrice, and ending this madness once and for all – by any means necessary.

With just a little maneuvering – Yes! Entry. Now she needs to find where he put it. It has to be in a place of honor, but knowing Barney it will also be tucked away in some hidden compartment to protect the sacredness of _The Playbook_ for mankind's future generations.

The first place she looks is the cabinet under his prized electronic gadgets. It's a safe space and just the right size to hold a book, but all that's inside are more toys. Then she tries the marble box on the end table next to the couch. It makes sense that Barney would want _The Playbook_ easily within reach before going out at night to enact his next ploy. But when she opens it she only finds several cigars inside which would pique her interest if she wasn't otherwise occupied.

And now that she's up close she can see the box was way too small to hold a book of its size anyway. She's got to start thinking more creatively. This is Barney after all, not Ted, and his hiding place of choice will be personal but also incredibly intricate and complex. She needs to find some little knob or button somewhere that will open up something else.

Bending down, she begins to look around for just that when – What have we here? On the table behind the coach where he keeps the samurai sword she once used to evict a one-night stand, a red button on the side catches her eye. She never noticed that before but it smacks of Barney so she presses it and waits to see what will happen. The top of the table rises up and Robin smiles in excitement. She _knew_ Barney would do something like this. She knows him too well, understands his eccentricities and bro lore better than any of them – certainly better than Patrice could ever begin to understand him. She's about to prove it too.

But then disappointment strikes because it's just _The Bro Code_. "Dammit," she mutters, lowering the table back down to leave no evidence of her unauthorized visit.

She puts her hands to her hips in frustration. Her options are running out. She's cased the entire living room to no success and she only has so much time before Barney returns. She has to be long gone by then. If he so much as catches her in the building it will lead to an awkward situation. Sighing, she decides she's at least going to get a nice drink out of this. Grabbing an empty glass, she uncaps the decanter and his magician's poster suddenly starts moving.

It must have been the change of weight, she realizes, hurrying over to see what she's inadvertently unveiled. Could it really be as easy as that? She'll take it even if she didn't manage to crack his code herself. She picks up the book and reads the title, _Crazy From The Heat_. "David Lee Roth's autobiography? Crap!" She thought for sure she had him. She's well aware of Barney's love for eighties metal bands but why would he have this in such a place of honor, and specially bond like his other coveted books? Out of curiosity she flips open the cover and immediately gets her answer in the form of a personal handwritten inscription. "To the best wingman ever. We'll always have Panama. Love, Diamond Dave." Of course. Why wouldn't he be wingmanning rock stars? He lives like one himself half the time. Or at least he used to. She doesn't know what to make of him anymore. But the important thing at the moment is that _Patrice_ does – and the things she'll discover in _The Playbook_ will send her running for the hills. Wondering what further inscriptions she might find inside, Robin flips the page to read more.

She has absolutely no idea that Barney is standing right outside. While she was breaking into his apartment, Barney was watching the whole thing go down and smiling. Smiling because he was exactly right about what she would do, but mostly smiling because of the obvious emotions that must be behind causing her to act in such an extreme, desperate way. He immediately called Patrice to get over to his place. Naturally, she didn't remember any of the codes, making it a bit clearer to him why Robin finds her so annoying. Nevertheless, he's counting on her.

Standing in the hallway right now, he continues to monitor Robin on his phone so he knows she's just discovered the autobiography and is currently out in the open, thumbing through it. That's why he stalls and makes a huge racket with his keys.

Inside, busy looking through the book for further insight into Barney, Robin hears the sound of keys at the door. Looking up, she sees Barney's shadow through the glass and starts to panic. He wasn't supposed to be back so soon. How on earth could a guy get a tree in New York City and be back in only a half an hour? This is bad. This is really bad.

Freaking out, she tries to keep her cool, shoving the book back into its hiding spot and replacing the capped decanter so the poster's compartment will close. At the last second, she remembers to return the empty glass too so he won't notice a thing. Then she takes off down the hallway toward the perfect hiding spot. She has no idea how she's going to get out of the apartment unseen but his suit closet is a safe space for now. He's already suited up; he has no reason to go in there. It'll buy her some time.

Outside, Barney gives her plenty of notice to find a hiding place. He knows right where she'll go even before looking down at his phone and watching her run towards his bedroom. The suit closet is the most obvious place to remain undetected in the apartment. It's spacious, temperature controlled, and he won't go in there until he's getting undressed tonight. Or if he were to get lucky with a woman – which is what Robin probably figures – there'd be no chance of him coming into his suit room at all until morning.

Seeing that she's safely out of the living room, he finally lets himself in, dragging the tree along behind him. Faking a phone call with Patrice for Robin's benefit, he heads straightaway into his bedroom after her, making sure to force her into the suit closet if she hasn't already gone there herself. Once he's absolutely sure he's in earshot he amps up the fake conversation. "Well, just get yourself over here."

Hearing him, Robin's world stops and she ducks all the way into the closet, grimacing. He can't find her!

"I've got the tree, the decorations, and the know-how from _Lethal Weapon 2_ to pop that shoulder right back into place." He slips in that little detail for authenticity. Patrice told him about it earlier and Robin's reaction just goes to show that she really hates her right now – which is excellent news for him.

When he left the apartment earlier, he'd purposefully placed a pair of shoes out on the bed to give him a reason to get into the closet and mess with her a little. He also left a towel next to them as cover so to Robin's eyes it would just look like he left a few things out while getting dressed. He grabs up the shoes. "Yep," he emphasizes, turning toward the suit closet, raising his voice for Robin's ears. "There's not one reason to leave this apartment for even a _second_ tonight."

Robin hears him getting closer and ducks down into a row of suits. They all smell of him and it's like a small piece of heaven. That's why she used to love this room. It's just so very Barney. But she doesn't have time to relish it now. She's too busy sweating out not getting caught. She has no clue how she'd ever explain herself if she did. The door opens and she shrinks down, holding her breath.

Barney tosses the shoes into the closet behind his back so he can't "discover" her. There's a smug little look on his face all the while because it is such fun playing with her this way. It's the most elaborate, multi-week foreplay he's ever engaged in. Satisfied for now as he's got her trapped right where he wants her, he walks back out into the living room to get things ready.

Robin hears him leaving the bedroom and she lets out a little "Oww" for the shoe that ricocheted off the wall and bounced back to hit her. Great. What is she going to do now? She's stuck in the suit room, Barney is in for the night, and he just called Patrice to hurry over. On top of that, she was unsuccessful in her mission. She will not hide in this room until he falls asleep. The last thing she wants to be privy to is the two of them having sex. Oh, god. Are they having sex? They must be. Even if Barney is doing this for her benefit – which, let's be honest, is likely not even true – knowing Barney he'd probably sleep with her anyway just because he can. And if it is sincere the answer is still same. She knows from personal experience that in a romantic evening, or even just a plain evening, with Barney one thing _will_ lead to another. Nora was a sweet, old-fashioned woman too but that didn't stop him from banging her and then telling them all about it afterwards. She will _not_ be here when that happens.

She'll call for help. Yes, that's an excellent idea. She'll get Ted to come distract him. Ted will do that for her. It will mean admitting she hasn't given up her Barney fixation, but better Ted finding out than Barney. And in this situation Ted is preferable to Lily. At least she won't have to sit through a long lecture from Ted. He'll just give her a disappointed, semi-hurt look – why he should care is beyond her – and never mention it again. She just hopes Ted can hurry.

She grabs her cell phone from her pocket to call in backup. "Hey," she whispers, falsely upbeat. "How's my favorite architect, other than incredibly handsome?"

"Mom?"

It's a little sad for Ted that only his mom would ever talk to him like that, but whatever. "No, it's Robin."

"What do you need?" he asks, and she can tell from his voice that he's already suspicious.

She closes her eyes, sighing. She'd rather not tell the whole sordid story – _I was desperately obsessing over Barney again and so I broke into his apartment to get the proof that will destroy his new relationship_. "For reasons that aren't important I'm trapped in Barney's closet," she attempts to gloss over it. Turning her voice sweet and cajoling she gets to the main point of her call. "Help get me out and I'll return your _Weekend at Bernie's_ DVD?"

He turns her down cold, saying that's not enough of an enticement to get involved in what he refers to as her "crazy mess".

She's not going crazy over this. Why does everyone keep saying that? But she doesn't have time to consider it now. She's just going to have to bite the bullet and take her punishment. The most important thing at the moment is getting out of Barney's apartment without him finding out she's been there. _Barney_ seeing how crazy she's gone over him – nope, not crazy, just friendly concern for her near-sister Patrice – would be mortifying. Blowing out a heavy, heavy breath she adds in the incentive of promising to go with him to the five day fan convention…in the desert. It will be an absolute nightmare. Five days of sheer torture, but still better than Barney seeing her this way and knowing the depths she's sank to over him. "Just _hurry_," she begs. Barney cannot find her here.

Out in the living room, Barney is quite pleased with himself. He checks in on Robin, safely tucked away in his closet, and she's on her phone, from the sound of it calling in help. In the intervening time, he decorates the tree with Ted's stolen lights and ornaments and a few touches of his own – the red and green ties are perfectly delightful if he does say so himself.

Everything is going along swimmingly. He's feeling so good about the whole thing he starts juggling Ted's beloved ornaments when the expected knock comes at his door. It could be Patrice, or it could be Robin's backup – which of course will be Ted. Who else would get involved in her scheme? And Ted can't ever say 'no' to Robin, a problem to worry about later. He lets the ornaments go tumbling to the ground. It serves Ted right for ganging up against him and thinking he can be so easily defeated. Foolish mortal.

It is indeed Ted at his door, telling him that Hugh Hefner is in the lobby right now. Barney's already decided to play along. Robin's good where she is for now, trapped in a situation he can manipulate, but she needs more time alone in the apartment so she can get out of the suit closet, discover _The Playbook_ and leave it out for Patrice to find, who she now knows for certain is on her way over. All of that is integral to his plan, and hopefully he can catch her and force her into the kitchen closet this time.

With all of that in mind, Barney fakes excitement with maybe just a twinge of genuineness on the off chance that it's true, but he insists on grabbing his smoking jacket and pipe first…which just so happen to be in the suit closet. What he's really doing is letting Robin know he's leaving and the coast is clear.

Robin hears the closet door open and presses herself back against the wall as far as possible. Cringing, she closes her eyes and prays she isn't discovered. Barney's hand is just inches from her face but at last he grabs what he's looking for and leaves. Whatever Ted told him must have work. Barney's in a hurry to get out of there and that will give her the time she needs to escape.

Out in the living room, Barney finds Ted mourning over his broken ornaments and hastens him out the door. Robin needs opportunity to find _The Playbook_ which means both he _and_ Ted need to leave the apartment, and he can't have Ted around gumming up the works later either.

Coming down the hallway, Robin sees the shadow of Ted leaving, closing the door behind them, and she knows escape is right there. She starts to take it; that was the plan after all, get out without Barney noticing….But not so fast. The main point still stands. She needs to end this Barney and Patrice thing before it goes any further. She's already in this now – and she has to go away with Ted for five days as recompense. She might as well get her money's worth and find what she came here for in the first place.

She sets her purse down, getting serious now. She was on the right track about looking for small buttons and hidden compartments, but the scotch thing showed her that it doesn't even have to be a button. She should just try moving things. She goes for the sword first, removing it from its scabbard, truly expecting that to release some hidden panel, but nothing. Frustrated, she heads across the room where she promptly trips over broken ornament shards and goes tumbling right into Barney's Stormtropper suit. A whooshing sound fills the room and a lit shelf descends from the ceiling, a book in its center. Already seeing the title, she reaches for it triumphantly. Holding it with both hands she's flooded with a feeling of victory but most of all intense relief. And _happiness_. This is her ticket to getting Patrice away from Barney forever. Once Patrice sees what's in here she won't go near him with a ten foot pole.

Her prize safely in her possession, Robin tries wiggling the Stormtrooper suit, finally raising its hands to get the shelf to retract back up into the ceiling. Assured that no evidence remains, she heads for the door.

Meanwhile, after what seemed like enough time for Robin to look around and find _The Playbook_, Barney hurries back to his apartment, getting rid of Ted in the process. He has to block the entrance lest Robin try to run away while he's gone.

Just as she nearly makes her escape, Robin sees Barney's shadow about to walk in. Ted's going to kill her. She's right back where she started, running to hide in the closet. As she sprints by she notices she left her purse out on the table. Stupid, stupid move. She circles back to get it but it's too late; the door is already opening. She scurries away, but now she's doubly in trouble with no choice but to beg Ted's help again – and hope that Barney doesn't notice her purse in the meantime.

Safely in the closet, she whips her phone out of her pocket, calling Ted and imploring him to come back and get her purse before Barney finds it, but like she expected Ted refuses. Lucky for her she has another bargaining chip in the form of his beloved red cowboy boots she discovered in here while hiding the first time around. She wasn't going to rat Barney out to Ted, but she knows this will get him running back.

But when he's still reticent she takes out the pocketknife she also borrowed from Ted and never gave back. She can be ruthless if she needs to be. She threatens to destroy his boots and she'll do it too. They were always stupid, and she _needs_ this. She won't be caught by Barney, not now of all times when she actually has the proof she needs to keep him out of Patrice's clutches – or Patrice out of his clutches because, yeah, she's the victim in this. That's why she's doing this. No other reason….Oh, who is she kidding? Of course there's another reason, but the objective remains and she knows the red boots are just the right pressure point.

Out in the living room, Barney pulls out his phone and locates Robin. Unfortunately she's back in the suit room, but he can work with that. The main point is that he checked and _The Playbook_ is now gone, meaning she has it with her in the closet. Sure enough, zooming in on his phone he can see it lying there beside Robin. He can also hear her calling in Ted's help yet again.

This time when Ted knocks Barney doesn't allow the interruption. His plan is solid and he won't put up with any further interference. He only did the first time because it served his purpose but he's not letting Robin have her out this time. He's got her trapped with _The Playbook_, Patrice will be here any second, and Steps 9 and 10 can begin.

In the suit room, Robin hears Barney shut the front door and she knows Ted was unsuccessful. She can't let him give up now though, so she applies that pressure. She's learned a thing or two from Barney over the years, both about always getting the 'yes' and in this case about sending threatening pictures. She sends off an image to Ted of his little boots in danger and listens with her ear to the closet door for results. Another knock comes a moment later, but she can't be sure of what's going on. It could be Patrice. Her nerves are getting the better of her when she feels her phone vibrate.

It's Ted. He tells her he's got her purse and she's thrilled. She's has _The Playbook_. Ted has her purse so Barney will never know. Now she just has to think of a way out of here. But then Ted spoils her momentary excitement by telling her _he's_ trapped in Barney's living room closet now too. This is getting as bad as one of her plays. Everything is backfiring and becoming way too complicated. With two of them hiding in here Barney's bound to find them for sure, and Ted will sell her out in a heartbeat. She needs Lily's help, plain and simple. She's the only one who can handle a situation like this.

Robin dials her number, already fearing how she's going to explain what she's done. She'll never hear the end of it, but that's a problem for Future Robin. Right now Present Robin is in a real jam and this is the only way out. But she actually hears ringing, not just through the phone but on her end, which leads to the discovery that for some bizarre reason Lily is hiding in Barney's _other_ closet.

Lily tells her to hold on while she talks to Marshall on the other line, and Robin obediently goes back into the suit closet but she begs Lily to be quiet or Barney will hear them. She can't be found this way. She's already been through enough embarrassment in front of Barney. She won't let him discover this too. And most of all she won't allow Lily or Ted to ruin her plans to thwart this relationship.

Two seconds later the closet door opens and thankfully it's Lily, but she's just barely ducking inside when Barney says something about grabbing a star for the tree. Then he's in the bedroom – and Robin's just gone from the frying pan into the fire.

Barney was watching the whole time on his phone so he knows Robin is safely tucked to the side of the closet – and for some crazy reason Lily is here too. The why is not important. What matters is adjusting his plans accordingly. He still needs Robin to leave _The Playbook_ out for Patrice, he still needs to stage a fake fight, and above all he still needs Robin to witness the burning of _The Playbook_. Now that Lily's here, she'll just have to go along for the ride. In the meantime he's going to put a good scare into them both that will get them talking and give him some explanations before he goads Robin into leaving _The Playbook_ out for Patrice to find. Proclaiming it "Legen – wait for it – merry!", which does give him a little kick even in the midst of everything, Barney opens the suit room door and goes all the way inside this time, letting Robin truly sweat it out.

Robin lies flat on the ground and Lily dives on top of her, both of them hiding amongst the suits. Her heart is pounding so loudly she's sure he can hear, but he doesn't. Miraculously, she escapes again.

Once the coast is clear, she finds out Lily snuck into Barney's apartment for some peace and quiet and to enjoy his big screen TV and only went into hiding when she heard _her_ breaking in. All three of them are trapped now, but Robin is feeling the best she has since this whole thing started because now she has a built-in excuse if she is caught. She can always just tell Barney that she was here with Lily while she pumped breast milk. That way he'll be mad at Lily and she can save face.

She's quite pleased with it actually, thinking this will work out for the better until Lily starts interrogating her. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Now isn't the time to beat around the bush. Lily won't allow it. And the more they talk the more they chance Barney hearing them. "I came to get _The Playbook_ so I can show Patrice who Barney really is."

In the living room, Barney listens to the entire conversation on his phone, including her admission of what she's been up too – just exactly what he already knew she would do.

"Why can't you just let them be happy?" Lily asks her, and Barney is hanging on edge waiting for Robin's answer.

In the closet, Robin senses the accusation in Lily's voice. She won't let her spin it that way, like she's just some crazy, jealous, fatal attraction ex who won't let Barney be happy with someone else. "Because they're not really happy, Lily," she insists. Barney isn't happy with Patrice. It's just a lie. It _has_ to be.

Barney hears that and is determined to immediately remove that excuse for Robin to hide behind. Standing near the doorway to the bedroom, he loudly calls, "Patrice, can you grab my computer from the bedroom? I want to change my Facebook status to '_Happy'_."

In the closet, Robin purses her lips. It's like salt in the wound hearing him say that.

"You shouldn't have that," Lily tells her, indicating the stolen _Playbook _at her feet.

Be that as it may, Robin won't passively sit by this time and let this thing with Patrice continue. It's silly and ridiculous and completely unfounded. And Patrice is too naïve to know who Barney really is or to deal with that information once she does.

"You're right," she says, inspiration striking. She bends down and grabs _The Playbook_, heading out of the closet. She'll just put it on Barney's bed and let Patrice find it right now. Once Patrice sees it she'll know she was telling her the truth and she'll want nothing more to do with Barney. Then she'll be free to swoop in and…and…

_You want him for yourself. You're doing all of this to steal him for yourself_. Shut up, Voice of Truth. Just shut up! She's doing this and she doesn't care how it makes her look.

Once Robin sees Patrice isn't in the room yet, she sets the book on the foot of the bed and hurries back to the closet as quickly and quietly as possible. Lily shakes her head at her, but it's doesn't matter. This is for the greater good for _everyone_ involved.

Still watching and listening in from the hallway, it takes all of Barney's restraint to keep from shouting, "Yes!". Robin's done exactly as he'd hoped, clearing the way for Step 9 to begin.

"Patrice," he whispers to her at his side where she's been standing, watching it unfold too. "Go in there and find the book. Remember: read the title, accuse me of it, and I'll explain one of the plays so Robin will hear me coming clean and not even trying to lie or sugarcoat it. Then you say I'm not who you thought I was…..Only now we've got to get Robin out to the living room." He pauses, racking his brain for a way to get Robin to follow them rather than stay behind and hide. "I've got it! Say you need some air and go out on the balcony. I'll follow you, and with us both outside Robin will see that as her chance to escape. Then we come back in unexpectedly – "

"And it'll force her into the kitchen closet," Patrice finishes, catching on.

Barney gives her a thumbs up and she heads into the bedroom.

From inside the closet, Robin hears Patrice question, "What is this?"

"…Where did you find that?" Barney asks a second later, and Robin can tell from his voice that he's caught. She only hopes he doesn't think too hard about how the book got out on his bed.

"I didn't want to believe that this existed but….is this _The Playbook_?"

Robin smiles. _Yes, yes, yes_. Now run home to mommy, Patrice. Barney is just too much for you to handle. And Barney is busted too, trying to keep a wholesome girlfriend like Patrice while still clinging to his _Playbook_ and his love of womanizing on the side. "Let's see him lie his way out of this one," she whispers to Lily, listening so intently at the door she even presses her check to the glass.

Barney can actually hear her in the closet saying something about a lie. But oh contraire, Robin. He's going to tell the gospel truth. "Yes, it is," he says gravely.

Robin is stunned. What? He's not lying? He's just going to _tell_ her what it really is? What does he possibly have to gain through that?

"Those are all the tricks I used to get women to sleep with me." He knows he has Robin as an audience, and there is no pride or enjoyment in his voice. He wants her to understand that he knows his behavior in the past was wrong and he's through with it. He even used the past tense: that's what he _used_ to do, but not anymore.

On the other side of the closet door, Robin's mouth falls open. Barney is telling Patrice _everything_. Why would he do that? Unless….unless he _is_ for real about all this. Unless he really is serious about wanting something lasting with her.

"What do you mean tricks?" Patrice demands, playing her part like a champion.

Barney takes the book and picks a play at random, explaining it to her so it looks like complete and full disclosure.

"You're not who I thought you were."

"Patrice, I – "

"I need some air."

Robin and Lily hear them leaving, and Robin wants to clap with glee. It's falling apart and she couldn't be happier, but right now they need to focus on getting out of here before it's too late.

Out on the balcony with Patrice, Barney makes sure the door is shut tight so they can't hear them through the soundproof glass. His tone is both grateful and stoked as he thanks Patrice and says how well it's going, all the while sure to use large arm gestures and to keep his expression troubled to indicate the fight they're supposed to be having. From the corner of his eye he sees the movement of Lily, Robin, and Ted – who knows how Ted got in here? – sneaking out into the kitchen and his excitement builds.

Inside, the others are intent on escaping but Robin is preoccupied by watching Barney and Patrice on the balcony. They seem to be arguing pretty intensely and she's dying to know what they're saying. It was surprising, disheartening truthfully, to hear Barney come clean that way like he's so serious about making this thing with Patrice work, but Patrice still responded the way she expected her to, so there's hope for a breakup yet.

But suddenly Barney starts to come back inside and it scares them all into hiding, this time in the kitchen closet.

"Patrice," Barney says, raising his voice enough to be heard as he heads towards their pre-discussed marker, the kitchen counter right where the trashcan is positioned. "I have done some sleazy stuff to seduce women. But I want to be a better person." This is all directed at Robin, for her ears; he's saying this to _her_ and not Patrice. "_You_ make me want to be a better person." Robin won't know that he means her. She'll think he's talking about Patrice, which is what he needs her to think right now, but the bottom line remains the same – his whole life has changed and he's been reborn through his love for one very special woman. When this is all over, he'll tell her the truth – he really meant all of that about _her _– if she hasn't already realized that on her own.

"I can't be with a man who has a playbook," Patrice firmly states, and from her place smashed in the closet beside Lily and Ted, Robin wills Patrice to storm out of Barney's life and end her misery.

"I understand," Robin hears Barney say in reply, but then there's a long pause and no slamming of doors. It's killing her not knowing what's happening.

Barney grabs _The Playbook_ off the kitchen counter where Patrice purposefully left it. This is it, Old Friend. He looks down at the book one last time but he has no second thoughts, no regrets. He knows what he wants in his life and this is an important step to getting there.

He dumps _The Playbook_ into the trashcan, strategically keeping his back to the closet so Robin will be able to peek out. Reaching into his suit coat for a match, he strikes it and throws it into the trashcan that he already doused with lighter fluid. And then he watches the flames engulf the manual that represented his single, womanizing lifestyle. That era is done and he's glad to see it go. He wants Robin – and no one else. That's not even a question in his mind.

He turned to _The Playbook_ for solace, all the more so after their breakup, getting lost in it and making it his mission to perfect it to prove that life was great even without Robin. But it wasn't. It was hollow and empty and made him miserable even back then. _The Playbook _was a crutch he clung to, but he doesn't need crutches anymore. With Robin, life will never be hollow and miserable. And if he ever needs something to cling to, he can cling to her. She's proved over and over again that she'll be there for him – through meeting his dad, almost losing his job, through the nannies and Brover, through it all. Robin is all he wants or needs.

Inside the closet, Robin can't take it anymore. She _has_ to see what's going on. She opens the door to peek out and the others slip in above and below her to look for themselves. What meets her eyes leaves her in utter shock. She sees flames leaping up and _The Playbook_ being destroyed right in front of her. Then her shock rapidly turns to dismay – and that same sinking feeling from before. He would do this for Patrice? He'd not only give it up but actually _burn_ it, for Patrice? He didn't even give up _The Playbook_ for Quinn. He certainly didn't give it up for her. He made it his chief goal in life to _add_ to it after her.

Ted whispers, "Woah" above her and it just reiterates how huge this is. They all know. Barney wouldn't do this for just any woman. They never thought they'd see him do it for anyone. This is serious. She's lost him.

Patrice smiles and approaches Barney. "I knew you were a keeper." The two of them hug, and the crackling of the last burning remnants of _The Playbook_ makes a soft backdrop to the tender scene. And suddenly Robin feels like crying.

The smoke alarm starts to go off then and Ted, Robin, and Lily duck back into the closet. Barney grabs the fire extinguisher he conveniently left next to the closet and not _inside_ of it for just this moment and puts out the fire.

"I should go explain this to the Super," he announces. In truth, he already pre-warned the Super that he was having some trouble with his fireplace and his smoke alarm might go off. This was always his built-in excuse to get him and Patrice out of the apartment temporarily, thus providing Robin – and now Lily and Ted too – the perfect chance to escape unseen. "Hey, come with. There's a small chance Jon Bon Jovi is down in the lobby," he says, this time for Ted's benefit.

Patrice sees this as her perfect chance to slip in the request Barney made earlier. "_You Give Love a Bad Name_ is the first track on my Get Psyched mix!"

Barney grins. "Mine too!" And the two of them leave together.

Hearing the door to the apartment close, Ted comes out first, then Lily. Robin is the last to emerge, almost too stunned to move. He burned _The Playbook_. And they have matching Get Psyched Mixes.

"You still don't believe those two are for real?" Lily asks her.

Robin turns defensively. But with the smoke from the ashes of _The Playbook_ still rising up in the air she can't find a single argument. She feels like she's going to be sick. She licks her lips, fighting down the nausea, trying to focus for now on leaving no clues behind, which means reclosing the closet door.

As they're all filing out, Robin takes one last look into the trashcan to be sure it wasn't some trick, but in the burnt up remains she can still make out one word – 'Play' – on the cover. The rest of it is just black soot.

He really did burn it for her.

Robin walks out of Barney's apartment, defeated.

* * *

><p>Robin goes home that night and the sick feeling doesn't subside. She decides to chase it away with alcohol, until somewhere in her third scotch she has the epiphany that all is not lost. Barney isn't staging this for her benefit, no, but that still doesn't mean it's real. He's just confused right now. He already told them he's lost and searching. You do a lot of stupid things when you're confused. He just doesn't know <em>what<em> he wants. He's been acting that way for a while now and he even admitted it himself. He doesn't know what he's doing, and it's up to her to convince the gang to help him out. They can all work together to make him see that what he's doing is wrong and he doesn't really have feelings for Patrice. It's just confusion in his mind, confusion and nothing more.

The next night they all meet up for Sunday beers at MacLaren's. Robin is the fourth to arrive and Marshall and Lily are already there sitting together, as is Ted on the other side of the booth. Robin slides in next to him and they all wait for Barney, who finally shows up late. Pulling up a chair beside Robin, he makes the excuse of being out with Patrice, and it only furthers her resolve to get the others to collectively help out in this save-Barney-from-himself mission.

As the evening progresses, Marshall and Lily tell them that his mom and her dad are sleeping together and they're all naturally horrified until Barney speaks up. "I think you should be happy for them."

Marshall asks what could possibly be good about it and Robin wonders too. He says something typically Barney in response, congratulating Mickey because Marshall's mom is no Ted's mom but she's still a piece. Robin's barely been able to focus tonight – still slightly hung-over, depressed, and feeling lost now herself, like her own life is in shambles – but hearing him say that does comfort her. It makes her world feel safe and right again for a moment.

Barney gave them that first explanation because it's what's expected of him, and it's true. But there's more to it than that. Since he's learned what love is and how it can transform your life for the better, he feels like _everyone_ should experience that. Everyone should have that for themselves. This situation also presents him with the perfect opportunity to get one final message into Robin's ears before he goes underground for a while. "The Robin" is reaching its final steps. This has to be the point where she works through her feelings for him on her own. He's brought her to that place. Now she has to face those feelings and decide to act on them, and he has to trust that she will. He's seen enough over the past weeks to have faith that she does love him. He has to let her come to that same faith on her own. He can show her he's changed, he can tell her he loves her, but _she_ has to choose to take that leap with him or they won't get anywhere.

"And, secondly, I mean ….it's _nice_ that they found each other," he says, looking right at Robin for a second, making sure he's grabbed her attention because there's one last thing he needs her to know, to think on as she makes her choice. "Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect. But that doesn't make it wrong." He looks to her again trying to impart everything he's thinking, everything he's feeling. He knows he's a risk. He isn't exactly a Ted, not the kind of guy you'd be proud to take home to your father. But he does love her. He would be good to her. He'd do everything in his power to do right by her and make her happy. They could be perfect together if she'd only look beyond his past discretions and believe in him and in their love _now_. This time Barney _holds_ Robin's gaze as a challenge. "Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?" Him included, but most of all _her_ too.

Robin pauses thoughtfully. It feels like Barney is trying to tell her something. Everyone deserves to be happy. Is that her cue to leave him and Patrice alone? Could he know what she's been up to? Maybe Patrice told him she warned her about _The Playbook_ and how he isn't the person she thinks he is. Maybe this is his way of telling her to please back off and leave the two of them alone. That must be it. She looks down, sad at this information and how far gone he _thinks_ he is over Patrice.

"I guess none of us thought of it that way," Lily says.

"Next round's on me." Barney gives Robin one last, long, meaningful glance before he gets up to get their drinks.

Once he's walked away, Robin's let her mouth fall open in alarm. "Wow," she breathes.

Lily nods, agreeing, "I know."

"Barney's lost it." That has to be the reason. He's just lost and confused. This can't be real, and it _can't_ be love, and he can't be so ready to commit to Patrice and never even think about h – another woman again. "He needs an intervention."

The others look at her in disbelief and groan. Lily is the first to speak up. She knows that Robin's in love with Barney and it must be hard for her to watch him move on. She knows it firsthand from when she and Marshall were apart. But she also knows that it's Robin's fault too for never telling him how she feels. Barney loves her, Lily is sure of that. But until Robin lets him know about her feelings for him, what else is the guy supposed to do but try with someone else? And if Robin is bound and determined not to claim him for herself than she's got to leave him alone and let him live his life. "Robin, after everything we've seen, do you still think Barney's faking this?"

"No," she admits, "but we have to stop it. Barney is not Barney anymore." That's why. It's because he's not acting like his usual self. That has to be a sign that something's wrong. It's not because she just doesn't want them together. It's not because she can't bear it when Barney's with _any_ other woman. It's not because she wants him for herself. That's not why at all.

"People change," Ted offers.

Maybe they do, but not for no reason, out of the clear blue sky, just because they met a nice if annoying woman who's willing to listen. _She_ already listens to him. Listening to him over a scotch in this very booth has been _her_ role for the past seven years. "Not this fast and this drastically. This is a cry for help." This is just another form of Barney's acting out. They need to help him. Why can't they see that this is the benevolent thing to do? "If I was out of control, I'd want you guys to help me," Robin tries to sell it. "What do you say? Intervention?"

They all exchange looks, and then agree.

* * *

><p>Barney knows what's coming next. After leaving MacLaren's that night and going back home, he adds it in to the only piece left of his <em>Playbook<em>, the secret final page that contains "The Robin".

_Step 11: Because your friends have no boundaries, they'll inevitably have an intervention for Robin, which you'll monitor via the hidden cameras you have in Marshall and Lily's apartment._

Barney had his audiovisual guy install them this afternoon while Marshall and Lily took Marvin out for a walk and Judy and Mickey were busy doing it in their bedroom.

Tonight, he overhead the gang making plans for tomorrow after work, plans they did not include him in, so he's pretty sure everything is set. They're going to ambush Robin with an intervention and since it's about him they're saving her the embarrassment by not including him. That knowledge works to further build his confidence because it means that all the others can see Robin's in love with him too. It's not just his own wishful thinking.

Step 11 should go exactly as planned but, to be on the safe side and in case a little of his manipulation is needed, he's going to watch it unfold from downstairs.

* * *

><p>After hurrying across town, Robin walks into Marshall and Lily's apartment to find the three of them standing there beneath the intervention banner that's already hanging up.<p>

"Oh, good. You're all here." She's been thinking about this all day at work, and the night before too. As much as she wants Barney away from Patrice, she also needs to ensure that this goes as smoothly as possible for him. The last thing she wants is for him to feel hurt or ambushed. "Um….when Barney shows up it's important for him not to feel ganged up on. So let's start with…um…" She stops to ponder it, and the words spring to her natural when thinking of Barney. "…'We love you and we're worried about you'".

Robin waits for their response but they all repeat her words, looking at her like they feel sorry for her. She doesn't like where this seems to be going. Denial wins out for a second. "Oh, great." But she already knows deep down, which is why she adds, "But, you know, with less pity in your eyes."

"Sweetie, sit down," Lily gently instructs her.

She's still fighting it. It can't be that Barney's moved on. _She_ can't be the one with the problem. "Ah, no. Only the person getting the intervention sits down."

All three respond with, "_Yeah_."

She has to face it, then. "Oh." She makes one last stab at denial as she sits down on the couch. "Please tell me this is about my drinking?" But Lily hands her a glass of scotch. "Dammit." She throws it back, drinking every last drop all at once.

Downstairs at the bar, Barney watches Robin's intervention on his phone from their familiar booth. Just as Lily hands Robin a glass of scotch and she drinks it down like a lifeline he nods and a slight smile dances across his lips.

He's done all that he can do where Robin is concerned and things seem to be progressing well. It will be hard to step back and trust that she'll finally now come to the place of facing her feelings for him and being ready to act on them. It will be unspeakably difficult, but he'll do it. He has faith enough in the reactions he's seen from her thus far to believe that she does love him and that her love is strong enough to propel her into action even if it is initially against her own will.

The others clearly see that love too. Now, while Robin is admitting her feelings to herself, he has some things left to do on his end – mainly figuring out how to best handle the Ted situation.

But, first, it's time to go see his father.


	35. 811

**The Final Page, Part One**

Downing the scotch helps a little but not nearly enough as Robin sits on the couch of the apartment she'd lived in for years about to face an intervention that is now for her, and not over something little like too much tanning or even too much drinking. This is about her feelings for Barney that are obvious enough that everyone can see them – and everyone can also see that he doesn't feel the same way.

"Robin, we really are worried about you," Lily starts. "You've got to stop obsessing over Barney this way."

Robin makes a scoffing sound. "I am not obsessing over Barney." She instinctively starts lifting the glass to her lips but then remembers it's empty.

"Yeah you are," Marshall puts in. "You repeatedly tried to seduce him, you showed up at his place naked, you broke into his apartment and hid in his closet to spy on him. Speaking as a lawyer, that's pretty much the legal definition of 'obsessed' – as well as 'stalker' and 'breaking and entering' too."

The words are all too familiar….obsessed, stalker. Only that was just an innocent teenage crush that got out of hand. This is personal. She knows Barney. She knows what it's like to really be with him, to wake up in the morning beside him, to share the day together. But she's not stalking Barney. That is not what this is. Marshall's got it all wrong. "It wasn't like that," she defends. "I was just trying to find The Playbook."

"And you did that," Lily allows. "But it didn't work." She hesitates, wondering if she should open up this powder keg, especially in front of the others. But they're down to the point of having an intervention. This is serious now. It's time for some painful truths. "Robin….I know you have feelings for Barney – "

It's a bull's eye, dead center hit and it's far too close to home. "What? I – no. Why would you – No. I – I –I don't have feelings for Barney."

"Oh, honey, you do," Marshall says, putting his hand on her arm comfortingly.

"Just – No," Robin insists, shaking him off. "No, I don't."

But Marshall is undeterred. "Yes, you do. But he doesn't feel the same way."

Robin blinks repeatedly. It already feels like her heart is being ripped out just acknowledging that to herself. Hearing it from others, who are looking at the situation with impartial eyes, is unbearable.

Seeing her distress, Marshall backtracks with the same pity he shows restaurants that move from an F to a D. "Maybe he could have if things had gone differently. I'm sure he once did. But he just…he just isn't feeling the same way right now."

Ted steps in then, deciding the last thing she needs is a dose of Marshall's hopefulness. "Look, Robin. This needs to stop. I know you hate Patrice but she's Barney's choice. You have to accept that and let it go. Okay?" She's better off moving on anyway. Why she can't see that is beyond him. "Just forget about Barney completely." The sooner the better.

"Sweetie, you have to accept that this thing between them is real," Lily cuts in again.

It's all too much for Robin. The message is loud and clear: Barney's not interested; move on. But she doesn't have to listen. She doesn't have to believe they're right. "I already said he's not….staging this for my benefit, alright? But that still doesn't mean what he feels is real. He's just confused and – "

"No. He isn't. He burned The Playbook for Patrice," Ted reminds her. "You know how huge that is."

Robin doesn't respond. What can she say? There is no rebuttal to that.

The devastated, broken look on her friend's face moves Lily into action. "Why don't you guys go check on Marvin?" she suggests to Marshall and Ted, meaningfully nodding toward the nursery. Marshall gets the message and, after some slight resistance from Ted, the two men silently file into Marvin's room.

Once Marshall shuts the door, Lily speaks up. "Robin, I know this is hard. I've been there." She sees Robin open her mouth to reply and cuts her off at the start. "Before you say anything, let me finish. You ran away from Barney when he kissed you; let's be honest, you've been running away from Barney for a long time. And I did the same thing with Marshall. I ran from our engagement and I lived to regret it, just like you are now. So I do know how you feel. I've been there. I know what it's like to lose the man you love and know it's….it's your own fault."

"Who says I'm in love with Barney?" Robin tries, but Lily shoots her a look that says Girl, don't even try, and she sighs, not arguing any further.

Running away and living to regret it? Lily doesn't know the half of it. She knows about the drunken strip club kiss but she still has no idea they slept together last year, or that afterwards he wanted to talk about the two of them. He even broke up with Nora – or maybe Nora dumped him; she still isn't clear on that point. But that fact is she had her chance then and she blew it and lost him to Quinn. Now she had her chance again last month, and she blew it and lost him to Patrice. It seems she never learns her lesson, but Barney's always been a gamble she's too afraid to take.

"If Barney hadn't come to San Francisco after me," Lily continues, "I don't know if I ever would have found the courage to tell Marshall I'd made a mistake. We might never have gotten back together. I owe my happiness and my marriage and my son at least partially to him. Which is why I'm breaking the rules of intervention to tell you this now. If you love Barney and you want to be with him, you need to go to him and tell him that. Otherwise, if you're determined to keep running away and denying you have any feelings for him at all, you have to leave him alone and let him be happy with Patrice. He deserves to be happy, Robin."

Lily is right and Robin knows it. But what Lily doesn't realize is that there is no 'if' anymore. There is no going to Barney and telling him how she feels, even if she could be brave enough to do that. Barney already made his choice. He's proven over and over again that he doesn't want her. The only thing being honest with Barney would bring is more heartache, and she's had enough of that. She's had enough of this intervention too. "I have to go," she says firmly, standing up to leave.

"Robin, wait."

She stops in the doorway. "Point taken, Lily. No more breaking into Barney's place. I'll leave him alone," she promises before heading out the door.

* * *

><p>At her apartment an hour later, Robin completely falls apart. There's no denying it anymore. There's no hiding behind false reason and convoluted explanations. Ted's right. Barney burned The Playbook. He would never do that lightly. He must really love Patrice. There's no other explanation. All her friends see it, and now she can see it too. She has to. She hates it, but she has to.<p>

Because it's more than just The Playbook. Barney didn't sleep with Brandi either when he easily could have. That was before Patrice even; there was nothing stopping him. Barney's changed, that's all there is to it. He's become a better version of himself who now believes in love and commitment and monogamy, like she always secretly hoped he would. But it turns out he just doesn't want those things with her. It's too late for them. She ran away one too many times and now it's too late.

Look at yourself, crying into her scotch. You're pathetic. She can almost see her dad shaking his head at her contemptibly, can almost hear his words telling her that she made her bed and now she has to lie in it. You're right, dad. It's my own fault.

And now she's paying the price for how badly she bungled things. There was plenty of time and opportunity, openings she didn't take. If she'd met Barney last November maybe none of this would be happening right now. No Patrice, no Nick, no Quinn. Maybe they could have still been together, even a year later. But whatever he once might have felt for her she squandered until there was nothing left. She got scared and she ran. She chose safety and self-preservation. All the reasons made sense to her at the time but now they just seem so hollow and insufficient.

The truth is she reacted the way she did last November after they slept together for the very same reason she reacted the way she did after he kissed her this past November. In both of those cases by the time it happened she'd all but given up on the possibility of Barney. Then when it suddenly became very real, she didn't know what to do with it. She wanted to be with him so badly, but all she could see were the many ways it could go wrong. All her mind could fixate on was how she could end up getting hurt….until she talked herself out of it.

And yet even as she shook her head no, even as she pushed him away, each time what she really meant was not now. She hadn't let go of him completely. She hadn't closed that door, not really. She just wanted to come back to it someday in the future when she felt stronger, less afraid, more capable of facing those feelings and all that went along with them. For years now she's been living a 'maybe someday' life, but she's finally learned the hard way that when you waste all the time and chances that are given to you your someday never comes. It's passes along to someone else instead. But the lesson's come too late.

* * *

><p>Since reconciling with Jerome, Barney and his father have made it a point to have a family dinner together at least once every couple of months. But this one is different. Pulling up to his dad's house in Westchester, this time Barney is very much on a mission.<p>

Getting out of the car, his mind automatically returns to the visit he had with his dad seven months ago that directly led to this one...

**May 2012**

"I know you haven't met my girlfriend, Quinn, but we're about to go on a trip to Hawaii together and…." Barney pauses. This will be the first time he's told anyone and saying the words aloud will make it real. In his head, they still sound foreign and terrifying. In his heart, they continue to feel so wrong. But he's run through all his other options. He doesn't want to be the sad, empty, aging womanizer. And what he really wants….well, what he really wants was never within his reach to begin with. She proved that with the shake of her head that still haunts him to this day. So he says those terrifying, foreign, ill-fitting words anyway. "I'm going to ask her to marry me."

"Wow. Barney, that's…that's a big deal."

"Yeah," he nods.

"Congratulations, son."

But there's something in his hesitation that Barney can sense immediately. "You don't approve?"

"No. No, I didn't say that. I just hadn't realized the two of you were this serious. It's been what, two and a half months?"

Barney clears his throat. "It's been kinda fast, yeah, but you know how life is, always handing you surprises." Some of them good, some of them bad. That's why he keeps reminding himself he's lucky to have Quinn. Before her it was nothing but slowly dying inside from that one bad surprise he got handed back in the fall.

"Yes, I do. For me, one of those surprises was a second chance with you." Barney gives him a small smile at that. "I know you've been trying to change your life the way I changed mine, and if you've really found your Cheryl then I'm happy for you. I also have something I want to give you."

Barney follows his dad back to his office where Jerome takes out a key and unlocks the bottom drawer of his desk. Reaching inside, he pulls out a black jewelry box and hands it to Barney. At his nod, Barney opens the box, revealing a ring inside with a huge solitaire diamond.

"It's entirely real and obviously valuable," Jerome explains, "but more importantly it's a family heirloom, passed down from my grandfather to my father and then to me. Before we reconnected I was going to give it to Carly as the oldest. But you're my firstborn, Barney, the rightful owner of the Whittaker family ring. It should go to your wife."

After spending so many years wondering about his dad and missing out on any kind of a relationship with him, Barney is powerless to stop the – totally manly – tears from forming in his eyes at the idea of finally being a real part of his father's family. Along with that emotion, however, comes the sobering and sure knowledge that he cannot give this ring to Quinn. "Um…thank you. I really mean it. Thank you. But I don't think this ring is right for Quinn."

"You don't like it. That's okay."

"No, that's not it. It's – it's a beautiful ring."

"It's alright, Barney. My feelings aren't hurt. A family ring is an old-fashioned concept, I know that. Nowadays a guy likes to pick out his own ring. I understand."

"Honestly, that's not the reason," Barney assures him. "I'd be honored to have our family ring. I'd feel proud giving it to any woman, but….."

Reading his son's face, Jerome suddenly understands it's best not to question him any further. "Well, if you ever change your mind, it's here if you want it."

**May 2012**

The bare and utter fact was that even back then he knew Quinn wasn't the One. She was a second choice, second prize, and he never truly trusted her. And, though he said the words, he never came close to truly loving her either, at least not the way he loves Robin. He tried to bury it and push it away from his mind, but deep down in the innermost part of his heart he always realized that it was never going to last. If they did end up going through with a wedding he knew it would soon end in divorce, which is why he'd wanted the prenup too. Before he'd even proposed, he knew Quinn wasn't worthy and he didn't want her wearing his family ring.

The only one who ever should, ever could, wear that ring on her finger is Robin. Which is why he's here today unexpectedly, less than two weeks before Christmas and what was supposed to be their pre-planned family dinner.

By the time he gets to the door, Jerome is already there waiting for him with a concerned look on his face. "I've got to admit I've been worried all afternoon, ever since you said you wanted to talk in person. Is something wrong, Barney?"

"No. No," he promises, putting his hand on his dad's shoulder in greeting as he's welcomed into the house. "It's nothing bad, nothing like that. Just something better said face-to-face. And, actually, I have an ulterior motive for coming out here today. There's something I need to get."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Mind if we talk a minute in your office before dinner?"

Jerome nods his agreement, and after saying a quick hello to Cheryl and J.J. – Carly won't be home until the weekend – Barney goes into the office with his dad.

"What's on your mind, Barney?"

"Well…" He takes a deep breath, suddenly nervous. "I'm about to get engaged. Or at least I hope I am."

"I didn't even know you were seeing someone."

"I'm not. Not exactly," Barney admits. "But then, sometimes I feel like I never stopped seeing her. Sometimes it feels like just one long, three-year rough patch where we both had to work through some stuff before we were ready for each other again but what we have never truly went away. I certainly never stopped loving her. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm talking about Robin," he says, confirming Jerome's unspoken inklings. "I want her back, Dad, not just as a girlfriend but for life. I'm gonna ask her to marry me."

"Barney, that's wonderful."

He's relieved his dad didn't laugh in his face or call him crazy for proposing to a woman out of the blue this way. "You really think so?"

"Sure. You know I love Robin. We're great Facebook friends."

"So I've heard," Barney smiles. "Thanks again for telling her about your mom."

Jerome always has liked Robin from the moment he met her, after Barney stopped making his friends pretend to be other people that is. She's a fellow Canadian, a beautiful woman, and a talented journalist. He watches her reports every day, always proud to tell Cheryl – and everyone else he knows – that's one of his son's friends up there on WWN reading the national news.

But, more than that, he's had the pleasure of spending time with Barney and his little group of friends over the past year and a half and it's led him to long suspect there's something there between Barney and Robin. You can't be around the two of them for more than five minutes and not notice that. Late last summer, when he felt their father-son relationship was strong enough to withstand the slight prodding, he asked Barney about it and Barney admitted, if somewhat uncomfortably, that they once dated for six months or so before breaking up and agreeing to stay friends. He could tell, though, that wasn't the end of the story and there was something more still there that had never gone away. He witnessed it with his own eyes, but it was also there in the way his son would go on about her without even realizing he was doing it. It was there in the way they played off each other – that spark, that magic.

"I'm really happy for you, Barney. A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I think you discovered it on your own."

Barney smiles. "It's not a trick at all," he divulges, because they're both magicians so that makes it alright. "It's the one right woman. It's love."

"Yes. That's how you do it. That's how you change. That's how I did."

"Me too," he earnestly affirms. "And I'm ready for that family ring now."

"Is that so?" Jerome grins.

"Yeah," Barney nods. "You said it should be on my wife's finger, and I very much agree."

Jerome knows what that means. Barney is sure this time. This time, it's going to stick. "I'm glad to hear it," he says, retrieving the jewelry box and giving it to Barney. "Robin will make a fine daughter-in-law."

"Do you think she'll say 'yes'?" Barney asks, those nerves back again.

"It's not a matter of 'if', only 'when'."

Bolstered by his dad's confidence, he puts the ring in his pocket for safekeeping. "I'm asking her this weekend."

"She'll say yes. She loves you. Why do you think she's been my favorite Facebook friend?"

Barney's genuinely surprised to hear that. "You knew she still loves me? I didn't even know until recently."

"It's in the way she looks at you, Son. There's no mistaking that look."

The rest of dinner goes by in a happy blur. Barney checks his pocket what must be about thirty times to make sure Robin's ring is still safely there.

Before he knows it, it's time to say his goodbyes and Jerome is walking him out to his car. "Be sure to bring her to our family Christmas. I want you both here."

"I will," Barney smiles.

* * *

><p>The next day work is slow – the North Koreans are relatively happy and GNB isn't leading any hostile corporate takeovers or military coups – so Barney has time to plot out what he's going to do about Ted.<p>

It's been obvious to him for a long time that Ted's still holding onto the hope of Robin. Almost four years ago now, Ted said he was okay with his bro dating Robin, and Barney had truly believed it at the time. Everything was alright during the summer when it was still a secret and Ted didn't know, but once it was out in the open it was a different story. Then it started in with the little things. Ted seemed uncomfortable seeing displays of affection between the two of them, and he'd always have some snide remark if their bedroom antics got too exuberant and loud while he was in the apartment. And there was the passive-aggressive weirdness of Ted teaching a "Robin 101" class, like he was setting himself up as the foremost expert on her while at the same time vicariously reliving dating Robin through Barney's relationship with her. It didn't occur to Barney at the time because he was just so terrified of Robin breaking up with him that he was nothing but grateful for the help, but looking back he can see how off-putting that should have been. Of course the truth came out after the breakup when Robin started dating Don. That was the closest they've ever come to truly getting into it over her.

But, as the years went on, it seemed like Ted had gotten over her. Barney was far too involved in fighting and losing to his own feelings for Robin to think much about Ted's, but Ted claimed to love Zoey – enough to screw him over, so it sure seemed like Ted had moved on.

Barney was still in denial then himself and so was Robin, but it's impossible not to recognize that everything was 'Barney and Robin' back then. They naturally gravitated towards each other, unstoppably drawn together the way it had been from the start. Then there came the mess with Nora, and Robin with Kevin. Until she ended up back in his bed again. And everything was still 'Barney and Robin', their own little drama worthy of any daytime soap; maybe that's why his mother always pulled so hard for the two of them.

Consequently, it came out of left field when Ted was suddenly proclaiming himself to be desperately in love with Robin now too. It did…but then it didn't. Ted had – and still has – a way of running back to the idea of Robin when he's got no other prospects on the horizon. So, in a way, it made perfect sense for him to obsess over her again. Not to the point, however, of defriending her, refusing to speak to her, and making her homeless – although getting a place of her own was good for the both of them. And the minute that Robin very smartly brought Victoria back into the picture, Ted's fixation on her magically lifted.

But Barney is many things and naïve isn't one of them. With Ted now single again and more desperate than ever before, Barney knows it's only a matter of time before he makes another move on Robin. He's absolutely certain Ted has already thoroughly considered it. In Ted's mind, Robin already belongs to him. In Ted's mind, she never stopped belonging to him simply because he saw her and dated her first, as if a strong independent woman like Robin could ever be a possession to be owned.

Nevertheless, Barney is well aware there's going to be trouble there and he'd like to circumvent it as much as possible. Not that they need Ted's permission to get married, or to date, or to do anything with each other, but they're all friends and that complicates things. He has his friendship with Ted, and Robin has her own friendship with Ted, and Marshall and Lily are longstanding friends with Ted. In a perfect world, none of these friendships would have to be damaged let alone destroyed. But the world isn't perfect, and it would be best to come up with a way for the two of them to be together without alienating Ted – or himself and Robin from the others, because he isn't kidding himself; he knows Marshall and Lily will side with Ted out of loyalty.

So how do you get a guy to peaceably give up on his five and a half year unrequited love? The thing is, he doesn't believe that Ted really is in love with Robin. Not Robin herself, not the real woman. He doesn't even know the real woman. He refuses to open his eyes and truly see her. Instead, he likes to mold her into this image he has in his mind of some vague, nebulous concept of his One that he formed years ago when he heard Marshall was getting married and he decided he wanted that too. Robin was the next woman he saw with any interest so Ted attached all of his hopes to her. But she never was and never could be the woman Ted imagined, and Barney suspects that in the moments when he's truthful with himself Ted knows that too. He just has to make Ted come to grips once and for all with the knowledge that Robin is a living, breathing woman with thoughts and feelings of her own. She has her own path in life, and it's not to fulfill some image Ted dreamed up for himself.

That's why Barney has to modify things slightly. From the start, it was his plan to make it look like he was going to propose to Patrice. His Nana used to have a favorite saying that some people are so determined, stubborn, and afraid that "only when you put their feet to the fire will they ever act". Robin, at least where feelings are concerned, is one of those people. It will take something huge, like proposing to another woman, to push her into action. That's why, before, he was going to announce to the whole group collectively what his plans are for the night of Ted's opening and then wait, hoping – knowing – that Robin will come stop him. But now there will have to be a minor alteration.

All of the gang, Ted included, realizes that Robin still has feelings for him. That much was obvious in the intervention they held for her two days ago. Robin deserves to be able to live her own life and find her own happiness. Knowing of her feelings the way he now does, Barney is sure that Ted will be able to see that too and finally let her go – if he's put to the test. In a situation like that, he'd certainly like to think Ted will do right by Robin. So he's going to have to manipulate a little fire for Ted's feet too.

Hauling out his briefcase, Barney reaches inside for the last remaining page of his Playbook and adds to "The Robin", Step 12: Tell only Ted about your plan to propose to Patrice. If Ted is the only one who knows then it will be solely up to him to convey this information to Robin. Ted will know that Robin would want to know, that she deserves to know, that she deserves this one last chance to stop him – and Ted will know that if he tells her that's exactly what she'll do. Or Ted could keep it from her, figuring that Barney will get engaged, Robin will miss her chance, and then he can have her all to himself.

And there's your fire, the ultimate test.

Next Barney writes in, Step 13: Wait and see if Ted tells Robin. And if he does, it means your best bro in the world has let go of Robin and has given you his blessing.

Because that's what it will be, Ted acting wholly, unselfishly in their best interest. Ted won't have to tell Robin. He'll have no way of knowing that Barney already knows – about Ted's feelings and about Robin's feelings – and that he's watching it all go down. Therefore Ted won't have any reason to think about appearances or sugarcoating things for anyone's benefit the way he would if Barney confronted him man-to-man. This way, Ted will be knowingly delivering Barney and Robin to each other with the full understanding that it's going to be forever and it means he's lost Robin for good. He never took their relationship seriously the first time around, but this time he knows better. Back in February, Barney already confessed the entire situation to Ted, and Ted tried to tell him about Robin's feelings too. He is wholly aware that they both are in love with each other – seriously, profoundly, eternally. Ted prides himself on recognizing the One, and he can see that's what they are to each other. So telling Robin and giving them that chance to be together will be the truest, purest form of his blessing that Ted could ever bestow.

It's the perfect plan to get Ted to do what he should have done a long time ago, and it will mean the gang can stay together and he and Robin can preserve their friendships with Ted. To guarantee that, Barney has another backup plan – just in case –for afterwards that will ensure Ted is otherwise occupied and far too busy with someone else to be able to change his mind and start obsessing over Robin again, causing trouble for them all.

But, right now, all Barney has to do is find an opportunity to get Ted alone and tell him about his upcoming proposal in a way that won't rouse his suspicions.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Barney is the last to arrive at MacLaren's and has to pull up the end seat next to Robin. Seeing Ted talking so closely with her serves to reiterate the problem there, but he feels good about the solution he came up with and still has faith that when it comes down to it Ted will put Robin's happiness ahead of his own.<p>

Tonight, though, Barney's just planning to have a good time. In three days he'll propose to Robin and he's trying to go into it hopeful. He's seen enough to make him optimistic about the outcome, but he wishes he had Patrice's and his dad's supreme confidence on the matter.

But despite all this nervous excitement over the upcoming culmination of "The Robin", he still has to keep his game plan in mind. He can have fun, but he has to watch himself with Robin. He has to maintain a friendly air with her, but not too friendly and not flirtatious, two things that have long been a problem for them. Still, he really is enjoying himself – until the waitress comes up and asks them if they need any more drinks. And that's when Marshall puts a jinx on him.

The gang goes wild celebrating, Robin most of all – he's jinxed her a time or two in some very inconvenient situations. They've all been trying to revenge jinx him for years, so it is quite an accomplishment. But all Barney can think of is how this could complicate his plans. If he can't speak, how can he tell Ted? And how can he propose to Robin? He can't break the jinx; look what happened to him last time. That means he has just two days tops to get one of them to free him.

Robin, who has no idea of the potential threat to Barney's secret play, only sees this as a chance for a little payback, but even more so as a wonderful opportunity to tease him. Barely containing herself, she asks Ted to continue his discussion on antiqued currency that Barney so thoroughly mocked before, knowing a million more cutting remarks will be building up on his tongue and he'll have no choice but to swallow his words. It'll drive him crazy.

He begs her with his eyes, but there's no way she's letting him out of this. She just smiles over at him, drinking her champagne. After all, she made sure to pour him a glass too in spite of his punishment.

Laughing, her eyes positively dance with enjoyment. Patrice is nowhere in sight, which means, tonight, Barney is all hers to play with – and she's going to relish every last second of it.

* * *

><p>After work the next day, Robin goes to Marshall and Lily's, and Ted's there too. No matter who is living there, the apartment always seems to be their main hangout. There's its proximity to their other main hangout, MacLaren's, and now that Marshall and Lily have little Marvin often it's just easier if they stay at Baby Central.<p>

Grabbing a beer, Robin sits down next to Lily on the couch just in time to hear Ted going on about some old college professor of his who'd done him wrong, which somehow leads them into a discussion of a 'pit person'. The idea that someone could drive you crazy enough that you'd want to throw them into a pit in your basement and Silence of the Lambs them is unthinkable to Robin. There is no one she hates that much, a fact she readily points out to the group. Unfortunately that gives Lily the perfect opening to declare Patrice her pit person.

Robin thought they'd already settled this back at her humiliating intervention. She's done obsessing over Patrice. She's done obsessing over Patrice with Barney. She's done obsessing over Barney, period. She's told Lily that already and when she still refuses to let it go Robin starts to get agitated, shouting, "Enough."

She really is done, whether they believe her or not. Her heart isn't ready to let go, no; it never will be. But reason has finally won out and she can recognize what a fool she was making of herself. She's just so tired of banging her head against a wall and getting nowhere. It's been going on for weeks now. She can't keep doing that to herself. She can't keep getting hurt that way, over and over again. She's done.

But then Barney walks in and she forgets all of her resolutions. Her resolve goes completely out the window and she jumps at the chance to tease him some more by almost saying his name and then leaving him hanging. Even her tongue-in-cheek question of how his day went is filled with tantalizing mischief.

If it wasn't for the fact that Barney's had such a terrible day he'd be better able to enjoy Robin's playfulness, her amused smile, the pure delight with which they always tease each other. But his day has been truly awful – stuck in a cab, screamed at at work, and now roped into going in to GNB on Sunday. There is no way he's doing that. It would be a drag at any time, but if all goes as well as he hopes that will be the first day he's back together with Robin and he's certainly not going to spend it at work. So now, on top of everything else, he's got to find a way out of that. And he still can't talk.

He enjoys a free beer from Marshall and Lily's fridge, but it soon become clear that's about all he's going to get out of this visit. At least in between all of her teasing Robin is being rather attentive. She keeps smiling over at him through all of his attempts to mime the things he cannot say, and he's beginning to think his dad was right about the way she looks at him. Something about it just makes him feel positively warm and content despite this jinx he's mired in.

But none of them are backing down. No one will call him by name. He can't participate in any of their conversations or be free to mock Ted the way he longs to over his whole Nutty Professor thing. Hence, he's giving up and calling it a night when Ted stops him at the door.

"Ooh, buddy, I forgot. How will this work on your date with Patrice tonight?"

Until that moment Barney hadn't even remembered he'd told them all the night before that he was having Patrice over tonight. Not being able to talk to his 'girlfriend', who doesn't even understand what a jinx is, will take some explaining.

But before Barney has to come up with anything, Marshall cuts in and inadvertently helps him out. "Don't feel bad for him, Ted. This is Barney we're talking about. I'm sure he has ways of communicating that don't require words."

Barney doesn't miss the unmistakable flare of jealousy in Robin's eyes. To fuel it, he puts his finger to his nose, nodding wickedly.

Barney's not out the door for more than twenty seconds when Robin decides she has to go after him. And it has nothing to do with deterring him from Patrice or getting his attention back on her, not at all. She's just concerned about the fallout of his jinx. It's a natural, friendly impulse. That's what she's telling herself and that's what she chooses to believe.

She catches him out in the hallway just beyond the door to the apartment, which she makes sure to fully close behind her. She already knows what the others are thinking. "Hey."

Barney stops in surprise and turns around. He hadn't expected Robin to come after him, but it bodes well for the next few days and he prays it's a sign of things to come.

"I'm sorry we got you in trouble at work," she says softly. "You're not really mad are you?"

There's something very endearing in the sweet concern with which she asked, like she's sincerely afraid he might be upset with her. But he's powerless to respond with anything more than a shake of his head 'no' and a slight smile.

Robin immediately smiles back, whether by design or impulse she isn't even sure herself. But this does give her a chance to mention something else. "I bet it's gonna be really awkward for you at Ted's opening. All those top GNB men wondering why you won't acknowledge them."

His expression reads, What can you do?, but he's listening intently, his eyes on hers.

With Ted's big gala set for this Saturday, she's been planning out what to wear for a month straight, and that planning went into overdrive during her seduce-Barney-into-one-last-time mode. Things are different now, what with him seeing someone else, but she already has the outfit and it was undeniably chosen with him in mind. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to hint at that. "It's too bad too," she imparts, slipping into the natural flirtation she always falls into with him, "cause I was kind of looking forward to all the off-color remarks you'd make about my new dress."

Barney's noticeably intrigued at that. He recognizes her flirting for what it is, and he's not supposed to be playing along, but he's too enchanted by her not to indulge just a little.

He makes a line high across the top on his thigh, indicating the length of her dress, and Robin laughs. "No, it's not short. But it has a plunging neckline. And it clings."

Barney puts his hands to his chest, making the universally recognized motion for breasts.

She shakes her head at him, laughing again. "Yes, there may be a little side boob on display."

He nods, grinning lecherously. Nice, he mouths the word. Then he mouths more slowly so she'll understand, Finally slutting up.

She follows him perfectly and knows what he's referring to too – the day six and a half years ago when he took her to her first prom. She and Lily wanted to dress nicely but Barney insisted they'd never fit in with the teenagers that way, imploring them to "slut up" instead.

"Not exactly," Robin admits. "But it'll do."

They fall into silence, and when holding his gaze becomes too heavy with feeling she looks down awkwardly. He steps back on his heels, putting his hands in his pockets, but he doesn't leave. He does look like he has something he'd like to say, however, and she sincerely feels bad about this no-talking thing, especially the hassle he got into at GNB. "You really have to work this Sunday? That sucks. I know how you like your Sundays." He enjoys the chance to be lazy, to sleep in and do whatever he wants all day. Back when they were dating, sometimes they'd spend entire Sundays in bed. She wonders if he does that with Patrice.

Before she was flirting but now, with that thought in mind, she's fishing, pure and simple. "I bet you had plans too…."

Barney nods. He has very definite plans for the two of them that don't involve any clothes getting between them – and certainly not leaving the apartment. That's why he's absolutely not going in on Sunday. It'll be a bother but he'll get out of it. He mouths, GNB, and then a sweeping hand gesture like he's got it all taken care off.

"Oh, I'm sure you'd talk your way out of it – if you could talk." Her eyes dance with amusement again, but at his frown she relents. "Listen, I'd unjinx you and get you out of this but those guys would kill me if I did. I'd never hear the end of it."

She knows she shouldn't be so lenient with him and let him off the hook this easy, especially when she thinks of the times Barney jinxed her and made her suffer. There was last fall when he jinxed her just so she was unable to argue when Ted asked who wanted to go with him to scrutinize over light bulbs for the GNB tower. Most recently there was the time this past summer. It was late August and Barney was in the area so they were having lunch together on the roof at WWN when Marcy, one of the research assistants, came over raving about the donuts the new weather girl brought in from the latest 'It' bakery. She replied that they were only just alright, which prompted Marcy to ask her what bakery did have her idea of a fantastic donut. She and Barney both answered "Timmy's" at the same time and he jinxed her, laughing gleefully all the while. Patrice walked up to their table a few seconds later asking if she wanted to join her for cookie baking at her apartment that weekend. Unable to speak, Barney told Patrice on her behalf that she would love to be there, leading to one hellish Saturday. He later confessed that he'd seen Patrice coming and he'd jinxed her on purpose.

But easily the most memorable jinx of all was during their summer, June 2009 to be exact. She can still recall it vividly, down to every last detail, and her mind inescapable drifts there now.…

**June 2009**

Standing in Robin's living room wearing nothing but his boxers, Barney has her stripped down to only her underwear too – and he's just removed her bra, enthusiastically reaping the benefits. They've been going at each other frantically ever since Ted stepped out fifteen minutes ago. It was all they could do to keep their hands off one another while he was still there. Now that he's gone they can't get each other naked fast enough.

"I've been waiting for this all day," she breathes against his lips before kissing him again, long and deep and hungry.

"Last night didn't tide you over, hmm?" His mouth finds her shoulder as she turns around in his arms. "That's okay. I get that." Then he's hooking his fingers in her panties and dragging them down. "Little Barney's been aching for you too, all afternoon." He lets go of her just long enough to shed his boxers. "Look how happy he is to see you."

Robin shakes her head at him hopelessly but she does look over her shoulder. He wasn't lying, and the sight makes her want him all the more. She braces her palms on the desk, thinking how there's something unspeakably hot about Ted stepping out to the store for only a minute and Barney doing her against his drafting table in the meantime, right out in the open where Ted could walk in and find them at any moment if they don't hurry. She feels Barney's hands on her hips and she's so ready, but then he stops. "What's the matter?" she asks breathlessly, looking back at him when she feels him stepping away.

"Little Barney never goes inside without a hat," he replies, looking for his discarded pants and the condom that's inside the pocket.

Robin rolls her eyes. "Idiot." He says it at the same time as she does, and if she wasn't so turned on she would have seen it coming.

"Jinx."

Before she has a chance to respond they hear Ted's voice outside the apartment and a woman's voice too. Diving for their clothes in a panic, they run to the safety of her bedroom just as the front door is opening.

"Robin? Barney?" they hear Ted call. Then, "I guess they left." The two of them exchange looks just as Ted must have noticed her closed bedroom door because he then adds, "Are you sleeping?"

She dropped hints for the past two hours about how tired she was from her early morning job in hopes that Ted would call it a night too and she could sneak Barney into her bedroom with her. When that didn't work she'd changed her tune and asked Ted to pick something up at the store for her instead. He must assume that in the interim she sent Barney packing and then conked out herself.

"I met a really nice girl at the market and I invited her up to the roof," Ted continues. "Speak up if you don't want me taking your bottle of scotch with us."

Barney gives her a warning look. "You can't break a jinx, Robin. It's bad luck," he whispers. She's about to say she doesn't believe in luck when he reminds her, "And I'll make you do something really embarrassing if you do." That's the female equivalent for getting hit in the nuts with a wiffle ball bat; they made it up when he'd jixed Lily just before Christmas.

Robin lets out a little huff of air. That's the best bottle of scotch she's ever owned. She spent half her paycheck on it.

"No?" Ted says. "Okay." They hear his laughter mingle with the unidentified female's along with the distinct sounds of the pair climbing onto the fire escape and up to the roof.

Barney reaches for Robin then, pulling her close against him. "Let me see….what embarrassing thing will I have you do?"

She gives him an outraged look. She just lost her prized scotch to avoid that.

"I know you didn't break the jinx yet, but you will. There's no way you're gonna be able to keep quiet through what I'm about to do to you." Barney tries to kiss her but she turns her mouth away. "Oh, come on. You know you still want to sleep with me." His hands ghost over her body, providing delicious incentive. "You've been waiting for this all day, remember?"

Robin would like to give him the comeuppance he deserves by turning him down, but he's right; she wants him too much. However it occurs to her how to get revenge. She attacks his mouth and he responds readily, but she pushes him down on the bed, taking over. She has skills of her own that can bring him to his knees. Sure enough, before they're even halfway through he's unable to stop himself from calling out her name, setting her free from the jinx.

Neither one of them stops, though, until they both find their release. Then she collapses onto his chest, winded and satisfied in more ways than one. "I'm sorry," she pants, "who can't stay quiet?"

**June 2009**

Actually that was an incredibly enjoyable jinx, and Barney replaced her bottle of scotch to make up for it too so she didn't lose out at all. But it has given here an idea.

"If you were to do something that made me say your name, then I couldn't be held responsible."

Barney's eyebrows rise, wondering what exactly she has in mind. His mind automatically goes to how she'd gotten him to say her name and end her jinx those years ago. If this were just a few days into the future he would love nothing more than to use that method, but at the moment he can't.

When Robin sees the surprised look on his face, she knows the past has gotten the better of her and she jumps to clarify. "I mean, not just me but any of us. You could do something shocking that would trick any of us into saying your name."

Hmm, it's not a bad idea, Barney realizes, and something he'll definitely think on later. For now, he mouths, Thanks.

"You're welcome." Maybe she's a fool for helping him, but the thought of him communicating non-verbally with Patrice is far worse than simply letting him out of the jinx.

He waves to her, getting ready to walk away, and she calls, "Bye, Bar- " She catches herself at the last second, her eyes wide. "That wasn't on purpose, I swear."

Barney narrows his eyes at her before leaving, and he can hear her laughter follow him all the way down the hall.

Turning to go back into the apartment, still smiling, Robin opens the door and sees the others standing there giving her knowing yet disapproving looks. "Shut up," she says.

* * *

><p>The next day, when Robin sees Patrice's name amongst the year-end employee review files she instantly finds herself eating her words to Sandy about never firing someone for unprofessional reasons.<p>

She may have had to face that this thing between Barney and Patrice isn't being faked for her benefit but that doesn't mean she's ready to give up. Nora passed, and Quinn passed. Maybe Patrice will pass too. If it is an overcorrection doesn't that mean that it will eventually run its course? And she's just been given the opportunity to help that along.

This could be her chance to get rid of Patrice once and for all. If she fires her, with the economy what it is, Patrice might not be able to find another job. She might have to leave town and move back home, and whatever Barney has with her will fizzle and die. Or, if she stays, she may wind up down and out. After his issues with Quinn taking his money and how he never trusted her, maybe Barney and Patrice will start to fight over her using him. That will kill the overcorrection and instantly snap him out of it.

At the very least she won't have to see her on a daily basis and keep repeatedly having Patrice's relationship with Barney shoved in her face – because she honestly doesn't know how much more of that she can take.

By the time she calls Patrice into her office and the woman herself arrives in the doorway, a bag of cookies in hand, Robin is truly relishing this. But then her conscious starts to sting. How can she do this? She may have been a laughing stock for years at Metro News One and really not much better at Come On Get Up, New York, but she's always had her professional code of ethics. That's what separates her from people like Sandy. She cannot fire someone for personal reasons. She simply can't.

Repeating that mantra over and over in her mind, Robin begins the perfectly professional, perfectly non-personal review with Patrice, asking her the first question on the premade list. But when asked to review her performance over the year Patrice defers, saying she doesn't like to talk about herself and compliments her coworkers instead – complements everything, even the lotion in Robin's basket. She's nothing but sweet, nothing but happy, and that makes Robin want to yell at her that much more. Seeing such happiness in the face of her own misery, she can't help but feel bitter. She can't help but feel that the way things have turned out just isn't fair.

But she tries to keep dutifully going through the WWN sanctioned review sheet anyway. She glances down at question number two and it reads: 'Where do you see yourself going in the next year?'. They mean on a professional level, here at the station, but all Robin can think about is Patrice's designs on Barney in the upcoming year. "Okay, um…." All she can see is the two of them together on their date last night, communicating non-verbally, and it makes her a little crazy. The questionnaire blurs before her eyes. She can't focus at all and she finds herself blurting, "….How often are you and Barney doing it?"

"That's a strange question, Robin," Patrice replies.

Robin's expression is immediately contrite, shocked even. She hadn't meant to say that. She already resolved she wasn't going to do this. "You're right." She looks back down at the questionnaire, struggling to reign herself in. She's being terrible and grossly improper. She can't let herself do something this unethical and underhanded.

"Maybe I should leave," Patrice suggests.

There's something in her tone that rubs Robin the wrong way. She thinks of this woman, so happy all the time – getting everything she wants, with her Barney – and the words boil up from her heart and come tumbling out of her mouth. "Yeah, maybe you should. You're fired."

It's like Sandy said; somebody's got to go, so why not her? Patrice doesn't deserve to have both a great job at WWN and Barney too. No one gets to have that much happiness in life; she certainly doesn't.

Her eyes wide with horror, Patrice asks, "Why would you fire me?"

Robin feels like she's looking at the kitten she just kicked. Her own words – You're fired – filled with such bitter anger echo back in her mind and there's no question that what she's doing is wrong. It leaves the bitter taste of bile on the back of her tongue and the dark, hot, prickling feeling of guilt washing over her. Nevertheless, resentment, jealousy, and envy prevail. Because she wants Barney, and she can't have him. She loves Barney, and he'll never belong to her. It's not fair, and it's not right, and of all the people in the world Patrice shouldn't get to be with him.

"Because nobody should be as happy as you are," she accuses, getting up to let Patrice out, to get rid of her and ease these immediate guilty feelings by not having to look at what she's done. Even with her inner shame she can't resist one last spiteful nudge at the woman sleeping with the man she's in love with. "And also, your cookies, they're only pretty good."

Robin stands there holding the door, waiting for Patrice to get out, her hand on her hip in a haughty display of clout. She has all the power now. She has her sweet revenge….

But as Patrice slowly walks past her Robin can't meet her eyes and she feels the backs of her own beginning to sting. And when Patrice turns back around to ask if this is really about her, as if she'll take the abuse and the yelling and the unjust firing so long as she knows it wasn't caused by any personal failing, Robin realizes what a horrible person she's become. Firing Patrice out of envy is like stepping on a butterfly for no other reason than to destroy its beauty in the face of your own ugliness – and right now she is nothing but ugly inside. She's a monster. A jealous monster. She's not this person. It hurts losing Barney again; it kills her. But still, she's not this person. And now the tears are filling her eyes uncontrollably. "No, it's not."

Patrice hugs her and, after a frozen second where she still refuses to either set the bitterness aside or receive her forgiveness, Robin finally accepts the hug, accepts the comfort, and hugs her back. Patrice has been nothing but good to her. How could she even think about doing this? And, before Barney, why would she ever hate a woman who's so kind and selfless and true?

That's when it hits her that it's never been before Barney. It's always been about Barney. Her animosity towards Patrice has always stemmed out of her feelings for Barney. When Patrice first came to WWN Robin didn't have a bit of a problem with her. Sure, she was too chipper for her tastes and she could never see them being friends outside of the office, but she had no problem getting along with her as a coworker. The hatred and the anger all began when Patrice thought Barney was such a catch – so perfect and incredible – back when he was serenading Nora and wooing her in a million other ways that made Robin alternate between burning with red-hot jealousy and crying under her desk in absolute despair. Patrice represented the voice of her heart, everything she was thinking and feeling and hating herself for. All of that anger wasn't truly directed at Patrice. She was angry with herself.

Then, back in February when she almost made a mistake with Ted, Patrice showed up again and stopped her from taking the easy way out. Patrice stood as the remainder of what her own heart was telling her – that she couldn't do this because she didn't love Ted and she will always love Barney – but she didn't want to hear that at the time. She didn't want to know that, so she took it all out on Patrice.

After that, when her heart was so broken and she was such a lost lonely thing without Ted's friendship or Barney's love or even a place to call home, Patrice noticed how sad she was. It was like she could see into her soul. She was the voice of her heart again, saying what her head wouldn't allow her to think, what her will banned her from acknowledging. She didn't want to listen to her heart then, and now that she's ready to hear it, it's too late. She has no choice but to sit by and watch Patrice with Barney instead.

But she has no one to blame for that but herself.

"I'm sorry," Robin tells her, and she sincerely means it – not just for today but for all those times she yelled at her undeservedly. "It's just…." She moves toward the couch and turns away, not wanting Patrice to fully see her while she confesses the dark truth. It's hard enough shining a mirror on her soul and seeing the ugliness reflecting back herself. She can't stomach watching somebody else – someone as pure and blameless as Patrice – viewing it too.

"….Seeing you with Barney has – " Robin closes her eyes completely now like a little girl hiding, putting her hand to her forehead at the difficulty of this admission to her rival of all people. " – brought up some old feelings, and I – I really don't like feelings. But that's not your fault or….Barney's fault.…."

Barney. She loves him. Still. Always. She's done nothing but lie to herself about it for the entire year past. She does love him and it's a love she can't fight anymore. It was a losing battle to begin with. But he deserves to be happy even if it isn't with her, even if it never can be. She wants that happiness for him. She was wrong to try to deny him that. But it hurts so much that it starts the tears again. "It's just really hard seeing you with him."

"I'm sorry, Robin," Patrice offers.

Hearing Patrice apologize to her in the face of all that she's done is too much. "No. It's not your fault. It isn't. You didn't do anything wrong. And neither did Barney. I'm the one who's wrong here. I've been wrong to you for a very long time. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Does…does that mean I'm not fired?"

"No, you're not fired. That was completely unprofessional and…." Robin wipes away a stray tear, so raw and conflicted, such an emotional mess, still hating herself for what she'd done. "….and horrible of me. I'm the one who's sorry. Will you accept my apology?"

"Of course, Robin." Patrice reaches out and hugs her again, patting her back softly, before pulling away. She wants to tell her it's okay, Barney loves her too, but she knows that will ruin everything. As an alternative she reaches into the bag still in her hands. "Here, have some cookies. They'll make you feel better."

Left alone in her office, Robin sinks down into her chair, munching on a cookie from the pile Patrice placed on her desk and hoping it will work its comforting magic soon. She realizes now that she has to stop fighting, has to stop hating Patrice, has to give up. She has to let Barney go. If she loves him – and she knows she does – that's what she has to do. Just like with Nora. Just like with Quinn.

But she also knows that her actions still aren't utterly selfless. She loves Barney and she wants him to be happy above all else, but there's an element of self-preservation in this too. She had to let him go be happy with Nora, but only because he wouldn't be happy with her. She threw herself at him then too to no avail. And she had to smile and say she was happy for him when he got engaged to Quinn because if she had told him the truth he would have been the one to shake his head at her and tell her it was too late. Now it's the same thing with Patrice. Barney has proven all over again that he doesn't want her; he wants Patrice. There are only so many times she can make a fool of herself over this man before her heart is shattered irreparably, before it actually kills her. She has to let him go because it's the right choice, the only choice, for the both of them.

* * *

><p>When Barney showed up at Marshall and Lily's earlier that afternoon he had no idea what the day had in store for him, that he'd be going off on a revenge vendetta with Ted or that he'd nearly be killed by some psycho ex-friend of Marshall and Lily's. He only knew that he had to get someone to unjinx him – which is why he was trying every annoying trick in the book, including repeatedly tapping Marshall's shoulder, just to get one of them to say his name out of sheer exasperation.<p>

When Ted unexpectedly took off on his crazy road trip to make his old professor pay, Barney knew he was stuck going with him too. He has to put Steps 12 and 13 into play today. Tomorrow is the big night. Time has run out; this is it. Luckily for him, he expected Ted to show up at their place and he also expected that none of his friends would be negligent enough to say his name accidentally so he'd brought along his last resort: the engagement ring. Robin's shock and awe idea was smart. One quick flash of that rock and Ted is sure to be impressed by its sheer size and brilliance – just like many women over the years when he flashed something else equally impressive and rock hard. But, in this case, Ted will also instantly know it means he's about to propose, and that alone will shock Ted into saying his name.

So when they're on their way home and Ted pulls to a stop at a gas station at Marshall and Lily's request, Barney knows he's just found his perfect opportunity to talk to Ted. He has to use every second of this time wisely because no one else is supposed to know. Steps 13 depends entirely on Ted's reaction alone. Therefore the very instant Lily and Marshall leave the car to grab some snacks Barney pulls the jewelry box from his pocket and taps Ted's shoulder to get his attention, swiftly opening the box to reveal the huge diamond ring inside.

"Oh my god, Barney."

To say he's thrilled is an understatement. His plan worked like a charm. He's now free, and for starters he lets out all the mockery he's held in for the past two days.

Ted has no interest in that however. He only wants to know, "The ring. What's – what's the ring?"

Down to business then. "Right," Barney answers, and the smile in his voice is automatic while discussing the ring he hopes will soon be on Robin's finger. He tells Ted he plans to propose to Patrice and Ted's reaction is one he saw coming a mile away.

"Are you serious?" Barney says at the very same time as Ted. It's a little addition he thought up last night. This is Ted after all and what other way can he get through Step 12 uninterrupted unless he jinxes Ted and forces him into silence?

Now that he has Ted as a mute audience he has yet another speech to deliver, one that has to be entirely believable to both Ted and Robin, so he starts by overriding all their concerns at the get-go: he isn't crazy – the point of view Robin adopted to make herself feel better; he isn't overcorrecting – which he knew all along would be Ted's go-to theory; and he isn't moving too fast – something surely Marshall and Lily will stand by.

Then it's time for the real crux of the matter – and this part he doesn't have to sell because it's completely truthful. The emotions behind it couldn't be more genuine, they're just for Robin not Patrice.

"Look," he begins, not quite able to look at Ted while admitting this absolute, vulnerable truth, "I have banged my way through every bimbo in the tri-state area, and it left me feeling nothing but – but broken. But now, with Patrice…." He had to insert the wrong name for the sake of the play, but he's thinking entirely of Robin and his voice and eyes go soft and tender because of those thoughts. "…for the first time in my life I feel settled. And happy. I want to feel this way forever." It's true. He wants to feel that free and easy happiness, that perfect contentment he knows they can finally share together if they ever are just honest and open with each other. He got a taste of it that night at Splitsville when he finally let the truth out and admitted his love. It was there in the way she looked at him, in the way she tentatively touched his chest like her hand was made for him, like her love was made for him.

To make good on Step 12, Barney now tells Ted that in order to keep feeling that way forever he's going to ask Patrice to marry him tomorrow night on the roof of the WWN building – another absolute truth he's just switched the names on. And he's sure to slip in that it's Patrice's favorite spot since he's sure this information will get back to Robin and should help spur her agitation and eventual action.

He finishes by unjinxing Ted – it's necessary to "The Robin" even if keeping Ted silent a little while longer would be a service to the people of New York – but only after making him promise not to tell anybody. Now not only is it a question of whether he'll simply act in Robin's best interest, but he'll also be doing so at the potential peril of both his heart and his testicles. Ted's going to have to really want to do the right thing by the two of them in order to tell Robin his plan, and that's exactly the sort of blessing that he's banking on.

* * *

><p>Later that night, after arriving back home, Barney puts his contingency plan into place. He loves Robin and he's waited years for her. Ted is his best bro, it's true, and he doesn't take that friendship lightly. But Robin is his best friend, the love of his life, and he's still going to be with her even without Ted's blessing. It will just be best for everyone involved if they do get it.<p>

But, with Ted or without, Barney will get Robin up to that rooftop tomorrow night. He needs someone to ensure that happens and to be his eyes and ears in the meantime so he can know exactly what progress Ted is making as well as Robin's whereabouts at all times. That's where Ranjit comes in. Ranjit may have befriended the rest of the gang over the years but he's still supremely loyal to him first and foremost. Barney's hired him to drive a limo for Ted tomorrow night. He told Ted it was his gift for missing out on his big opening night, and that's partially true but mainly Ranjit is there to steer things as necessary and see to it that Robin makes it up to the rooftop for the culmination of his play, for the question he's waiting to ask. His entire future rides on her answer and at the very least he's going to make sure she gets up there to hear him out because this time he's putting it all out there – every thought, every feeling, every last bit of love for her.

Ranjit was actually thrilled when he explained it to him, and he didn't even tell him all of it. He kept the proposal a secret and only disclosed that he was running a play on Robin and Ted was supposed to get her to the WWN building, but if he fails then it's Ranjit's job to tell her himself and reveal Barney's supposed plans to propose to Patrice. Ranjit still has no clue that Barney's marriage plans are real and they include Robin. He merely thinks Barney is trying to get the two of them back together, and that alone was enough to make him as close to giddy as Barney's ever heard him. "You drive a man around for enough years and you see some things," Ranjit had explained to him. "I've known for some time that you and Robin are still in love with each other. You are meant to be together. I'm just glad you finally realized it."

Ranjit knew how they felt about each other. His dad knew how they felt about each other. Ted tried to tell him earlier in the year that Robin's in love with him. It's like everyone could see it but them. They were too busy burying their heads in the sand of fear and denial. Not anymore though. Not from now on.

Barney's thoughts are interrupted by an incoming call that a glance at his screen tells him is from Patrice. "Go for Barney."

"Barney?"

He shakes his head. "Ah, yeah. That'd be why I said, 'Go for Barney'." She's a sweet woman and he owes her, but she doesn't understand his codes or catchphrases and she had to google Bon Jovi to come up with a song for her fictitious Get Psyched mix. Robin's right; small dosages of Patrice are best.

"Oh, well, I had to call to tell you what happened today. Robin tried to fire me."

Now she has his attention. "What? She fired you?" That is extreme. Robin is always going on about what a professional she is. For her to fire Patrice over personal reasons must mean his 'relationship' with her has really gotten under Robin's skin. "Look, don't worry, okay? This will all be over tomorrow and Robin will get you your job back then."

"No, you don't understand. She didn't fire me. She wanted to, but she couldn't go through with it."

So Robin tried to fire her but had a change of heart? She's never had a problem yelling at Patrice before. But then firing her for no reason is certainly more severe. Even so, he needs a blow by blow. "What exactly happened?"

"She called me in for my yearend review. It started out normally, but then she asked me how often you and I were…."

At Patrice's hesitation Barney nudges her on. "We were what?" Now that his name is directly connected to this he's dying to hear where it went.

When Patrice finally answers it's in an embarrassed whisper. "Doing it. She wanted to know how often we were doing it."

Barney smiles widely at that. Robin is jealous, burning up with jealousy he'd say. She can't stand the thought of him being intimate with another woman, and from where he's sitting that's fantastic news. "What'd you say?"

"I told her that was too personal, and she said I was fired. But then she started to cry."

Hearing that causes a far different reaction. It pricks his heart to know she's hurting that greatly because of him. "Robin cried?" It was necessary to provoke some jealousy as a wakeup call to shake the hold denial had over her feelings, but he can't bear to see her cry. Even hearing that it happened pains him.

"Yes, so I gave her a hug. After that she apologized and explained that seeing us together brought up all these feelings she has for you."

"She said that? She actually admitted to having feelings?" It may sound like a small victory to Patrice but Barney knows it's huge. She's never confessed to any kind of non-platonic feelings this entire time, including during the intervention.

"Yep."

And now his heart is soaring. There have been so many different emotions in these past few months – confusion, anxiety, pain, fear, happiness, and love – it's a wonder his poor heart is still standing. But if Robin will admit to having feelings for him to the woman she thinks is his current lover that speaks volumes for the degree of emotion she must be feeling too. "I'm glad you told me. Thank you, Patrice. For everything."

"Robin loves you, Barney. So much."

"I hope so."

One way or the other, he's about to find out. In less than twenty-four hours, he'll either be utterly devastated, his heart broken by her all over again, or she'll make him the happiest man in the history of ever by saying 'yes'.

He needs it to be the latter. He knows she loves him. Their hearts are on the same page; it's her head he's concerned about. She always finds a way to talk herself out of the two of them.

But it's finally their time now. It has to be. And come tomorrow night she'll have zero reasons left to doubt his love for her.


	36. 812

**The Final Page, Part Two**

* * *

><p><em>Been running from these feelings for so long, telling my heart I didn't need you.<em>  
><em>Pretending I was better off alone, but I know that it's just a lie.<em>  
><em>So afraid to take a chance again, so afraid of what I feel inside.<em>

* * *

><p>By noon the next day, Barney hasn't heard anything from Ted or Robin, but that's no cause for worry. Things are going along exactly as he thought they would. It's possible Ted hasn't even seen Robin since they got back in town late last night, and that's not exactly news you break over the phone. It's also entirely possible that Ted is still wavering over what to do. But that's okay too. He has faith that Ted will come through for them and do the right thing in the end – if not, that's what Ranjit is for.<p>

What's more, the silence doesn't necessarily mean that Ted _hasn't_ told Robin. It's going to take a lot of heat to get her feet moving. He always expected it to run up to the very end; that's how the rooftop proposal works, otherwise Robin would just confront him at his apartment before the romantic scene was set. He fully anticipates she'll war with herself mightily and only jump into action at the last possible second.

That's where Ranjit comes in too. Barney ordered the limo for Ted knowing that Robin will be with him. She's certainly independent enough to go stag, but it's a foregone conclusion they'll come together since Ted can't handle himself alone at big events like these. He gets way too nervous and either turns whiny or makes a fool of himself. That's why Robin will agree to go with him as moral support whether Ted's told her about the proposal plans or not.

And with Robin in that limo, between Ted and Ranjit, he's hoping one of the two men will be able to convince her to make one last try, go up on that rooftop, and go get her man.

* * *

><p>At six minutes after two, Robin's sitting at the familiar booth at MacLaren's flipping through her phone waiting for the others when Ted, Marshall and Lily come walking into the bar. Everyone's excited for Ted and rightfully so; it's the biggest night of his career. But after joking with them about how nervous he is, how everything is coming out of him in liquid form, and his nightmares of King Kong, what ends up getting the group's full attention – hers most of all – is when Ted reveals offhandedly that Barney's not going to be there.<p>

She made her up her mind yesterday not to try to win Barney over or break up his relationship anymore, but she still has her awesome dress for tonight she'd told him about….and if he happened to think she looked smokin' hot that wouldn't be her fault. Barney had at least seemed excited at the prospect of her slutting up. He never once told her he wasn't coming when they talked about it. Okay, technically he'd been jinxed and unable to speak but he could have mouthed it, or signed it, or in some other way stopped her from going on describing her dress if he never intended to see it anyway.

Robin tries to hide her own personal disappointment but putting it off on Ted, and there's a certain truth in that too. She has no doubt Barney can talk his way out of any influential GNB event though as an executive he should technically be there. But on such a huge night for Ted, what could be so important that Barney would miss it?

Marshall and Lily quickly label themselves Ted's "real friends", but Ted purposefully dodges all of _her_ questions and continues to be evasive. She's not buying it. Once it's just the two of them alone, she crosses her arms both to intimidate him and to protect herself against whatever she's about to learn. But when she asks him pointblank what the real reason is behind Barney's bailing Ted claims to legitimately not know. Maybe it's true or maybe he's lying; she can't tell. But something must be up. Back in the day she'd assume Barney was going off to run some play – but, no, even plays wouldn't have overruled his chance to be a bro to Ted. He'd just pick up some girl afterwards or _at_ the party.

The whole thing is very odd, but just as she's trying to work it out in her mind Ted halts her thoughts by asking her to be his date. Poor Ted is so nervous. He could really use a friend by his side tonight to boost his confidence. She's sure that's why he asked her to be his "date" for the evening. And why not? She's already got the knockout dress. Maybe a big night out on the town on the arm of the man of the evening is exactly what she needs right now to cheer her up.

* * *

><p>On the rooftop of the World Wide News Building six hours later, Barney is busy adding the finishing touches, making sure everything looks perfect. It took some coaxing of security to access the roof after hours, and keep everyone else away from it, but coaxing is what he does best and it certainly helped that they all knew him well already. So the rooftop has been his from six o'clock on and he's transformed into a wonderland. He had some help stringing up the lights, but he hung the mistletoe himself and placed the lanterns. That detail had to be perfect. He couldn't entrust it to anyone else. In fact he's just finishing lighting the last lantern now, his mind in overdrive thinking about what's to come from Step 15 on.<p>

He has a million things he wants to say to Robin, things that have been endlessly on the tip of his tongue begging to be expressed, things he's spent years holding back. There's so much they still need to talk about and haven't. Most of all, he wants to tell her how immeasurably he loves her and has never stopped loving her. _But_ he knows Robin well. Her first reaction to discovering his play will be outrage. All of the things he wants to say and everything they need to talk about will have to come later. A proposal is the only thing she'll truly hear.

Placing _The Playbook_'s final page strategically underneath the mistletoe, Barney starts scattering rose petals across the roof, praying for a different result with this batch than the last.

* * *

><p>Getting into the limo – a very nice touch they have Barney to thank for – Robin straightaway receives a compliment from Ted to which she breaks out in a huge grin. It's nice to feel attractive to a man, to have her body and looks recognized again after Barney was so able to resist them. It's a sweet gesture from Ted and just the confidence boost she needs.<p>

It's great to see Ranjit again too. He's an honorary member of the gang. It's impossible not to relate him with Barney, which hurts, but they did have some lovely times with Ranjit driving them around. He compliments her too, and between the two of them Robin's back to feeling sexy and good about herself again. This evening might not be a total loss after all. But she's not going to steal focus from Ted's accomplishment. "Oh, thanks," she says to Ranjit, "but tonight is about my main man, Mosby."

"Really? Why?" he asks innocently, ensuring that Robin has no idea he's there as a spy, sent to make sure she gets delivered straight to Barney.

"Ted, tell Ranjit the huge thing that's happening tonight," she requests proudly, her mind entirely on her friend's achievement.

There's a slight pause on his end. Then he says the last thing she's expecting to hear. "Barney's getting engaged."

She blinks forcefully and her smile falls. She went from a measure of happiness to agony just like that. This doesn't make sense, yet it does, and it feels like her world is crashing down around her. It's so quiet; the only sound is the heating vents running in the limo. That silence is a deafening backdrop to the dread that's swallowing her whole.

It's like déjà vu. It's like that day in May all over again – only much worse because now she's already lived through one close call and the miracle of that true disaster averted. She knows what it's like since then to have another real shot with Barney, to hear him profess feelings she'd still stubbornly clung to the hope that maybe he really had meant on some level. And then he'd kissed her and she'd gotten to experience that feeling all over again for the first time in a year. To lose him yet another time, _permanently,_ when she'd come so close to getting him back, when she'd thrown her chance away _again_, it's too much. It's too horrible. Her mind and heart can't process it, can't deal with it at all.

She blinks several more times, trying to comprehend it, trying simply to breathe. She turns to Ted, closing her eyes a moment as she struggles to form words. "B – Barney's getting engaged?" she stutters.

"He asked me to keep it a secret but I thought you deserved to know in case you…wanted to do something about it. Do you?"

So Barney wanted him to keep it a secret, his big secret romantic proposal to Patrice – and that explains his absence from the GNB opening. But what does Ted mean? What is he thinking 'in case she wanted to do something about it'? What _is_ there to do about it? She can't _make_ Barney love her. She can't force him not to marry someone else.

Oh god, he's _marrying_ someone else. Her mouth falls open in horror, her eyes wide, her chest rising and falling in the short quick breaths of an oncoming panic attack.

Just seconds after Ted let the news slip, Ranjit slyly put up the partition he can totally still hear through so that he could text Barney unseen, informing him that Ted told Robin. Now he continues to play his role gamely by putting the pressure on her too. "Do you, Robin?" he seconds.

Robin's face twists into a look of pure anguish. She's powerless to stop this. She's out of control of her feelings, of her life. And she can't breathe. _She can't breathe_. She's suffocating in here.

She turns toward the window, to the cool open city outside, but that doesn't do it either and she continues to desperately fight to get a grip, to go on, to make it through just the next second and then the next one after that. Just take it one moment at a time without losing it. Because her heart is shattered but somehow, amazingly, still beating; shallow breathes still pushing into her aching lungs.

She blinks rapidly over and over again, struggling to get a hold of her emotions, to push down the pain and despair. She pulls on her ear distractedly, not even knowing what she's doing. It's like an out of body experience. She's heard that in situations of extreme trauma the mind and heart can totally disconnect from the body, and she feels that's what's happened to her now. For a moment it's like she can look down and see herself in the limo next to a concerned Ted, completely frozen in shock and distress and absolute suffering.

"So…what do you want to do?" Ted asks, and she lets out a gush of air, a panicked sigh.

The emotions are overwhelming her and the blinking starts up again because she doesn't know _what_ to do. What she wants is to turn back time. Make it last November and she'll rush to MacLaren's alone and never tell Barney no. Make it four weeks ago and she'll pull him closer instead of pushing him away. She'll take him back to her bedroom with her and the two of them could be going to the GNB opening together tonight. But she can't do any of those things.

What she wants to do is make Barney change his mind, make him see _her_ again like he used to. But she just spent weeks trying and she knows it's no use. There is no turning back time, and the present that she's created for herself makes it impossible for her to do much of anything to stop this unthinkable future where Barney is married to Patrice from becoming a reality. Trying to block out the image, she closes her eyes, puts her head back, and breathes deeply.

Ranjit brings down the partition, inserting himself into the debate at a timely moment. Not only is that his assignment but these are things he's been dying to say to both Robin and Barney for a long time. "Robin, I do not want to meddle, but it is like the classic love song says…"

From there he goes into singing some entirely non-English song, and whatever hope Robin had that he might genuinely be able to offer her words of help and guidance disappears and she looks away.

But how fitting that he thinks the story of her and Barney is like a love song. The perfect one appropriate to their current situation comes flooding into her mind: _There is love in your body but you can't get it out. It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth. Sticks to your tongue and shows on your face that the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste. Darling heart, I loved you from the start, but you'll never know what a fool I've been. _

And she has been a fool. That's why for her the song remains "I'll Always Love You" but for him it's "I'm All Out of Love" or perhaps "The End of the Road". No, she cynically corrects herself, "Down on Bended Knee".

She puts her hand to her forehead in despair, trying to ride out the pain, but the song choices are correct. It's too late for them now. Barney doesn't feel the same way. He's about to propose to _another woman_. That knowledge tears her apart. It utterly destroys her – her thoughts, her world, her heart. But there _is_ nothing she can do. She's already tried to stop it and she knows how it ends every time. She can't go back to that again; it hurts too much.

Ted puts the partition back up to give them some privacy and Robin takes another deep breath, licking her lips to ward off the nausea. "I appreciate what you're doing. But I'm _not_ – " Closing her eyes, she fixes her determination. " – chasing after Barney anymore." She can't keep doing that to herself, setting herself up for heartbreak over and again. It's humiliating and demoralizing and, most of all, excruciatingly painful. "I – I just got done being crazy about all that." And, okay, her heart was never officially 'done' but after the low point of trying to fire Patrice she was _forcing_ herself to be. "I mean, why would I want to throw myself back in that pit?"

"Because you're in love with him."

His words splash her with the cold water of truth. "_No. I'm not_," she shoots back vehemently, like if she can say it with enough conviction in her voice she can will it to be so. But it's a lie and she knows it. Still, she compels herself to say it. _Just say it. Lie. Lie and say it's okay_. Except the words back up in her throat, so utterly false her tongue trips up on the magnitude of the lie, and her telltale blinking gives it away for what it is. But she finally manages to get it out, even though the words do taste bitter and wrong. "I'm happy for him."

"So it doesn't bother you that Barney Stinson is gonna propose to _another woman_ – " Ted saying it again makes it all too true and Robin sighs heavily from the sting of it, the pain she's unable to pretend away. " – on top of the World Wide News building?"

On top of the World Wide News building?

_Why_? Why there of all places? That little detail is salt in the already gaping wound. "Wait, why the top of the World Wide News building?" she asks far too quickly and with far too much interest for a woman who doesn't care, isn't bothered by it, and is happy for him.

"I guess it's Patrice's favorite spot in the city."

No. _NO_. "Oh!" Incensed, Robin slams her fist against the seat in resentment. "DAMMIT, PATRICE, THAT'S _MY_ FAVORITE SPOT IN THE CITY!" she screams, ignoring Ted's answering "Whoa". She barely hears it, scarcely even remembers Ted's there at all.

Because the roof of the World Wide News building is _her_ spot. It was _their_ spot. How many lunches did they share there last summer? And even this past summer from time to time. That was their time, when she got him away from Quinn and he was just hers again. He'd laugh at her jokes and smile at _her_ and….and Patrice can't have that too. She doesn't get that too. It isn't fair.

Struggling to breathe beneath the crushing weight of outrage, offense, and just plain pain, her hands sweep up over her forehead, pushing her hair back away from her face as she attempts to take deep, calming breathes.

Ted gets a chime of a new text then and reads it aloud. "Ranjit says 'whoa'."

Robin just tries to keep focusing on deep breathing yoga techniques. "Okay," she admits, exhaling forcefully, "maybe that one…detail….." Twists the knife already embedded in her heart, rips it out and then stomps on it. It's torment and cruelty added to the unimaginable pain she's already experiencing. "…._stings_ a little bit, but…that doesn't mean I'm in love with Barney," she insists. But even _her_ resolve is cracking. She doesn't believe herself. There's no way Ted believes her.

Another text comes in. "'Sounds like she's in love with Barney'," Ranjit helpfully adds to the conversation.

Robin closes her eyes and leans her head back against the seat, taking another long, heavy breath. Glancing over at Ted, she wants so much to be able to tell him it isn't so and actually mean it. If she doesn't love Barney, if it's not true, then she doesn't have to hurt this way. She doesn't have to feel this pain. She can just go to the opening with Ted and have a good time. She can get up tomorrow morning and face another day. She won't have to keep dying inside.

She looks back out the window, steeling her resolve. She's Robin Scherbatsky. She can shut off her feelings. She can control her emotions. She can stop loving the people who don't love her back. That's what she had to do with her father when she moved out, right? "Look, I…I hope it goes well for Barney. I really do." And a _part_ of her means that. When she pulled herself out of that pit, she was being honest when she said this isn't Barney's fault; he didn't do anything wrong and he deserves his happiness. Yet the other part of her needs that happiness to be with _her _– no matter what it takes – or her heart threatens to not go on beating.

And that's the part of her she's just going to have to shut down. "But, tonight, there is no place I would rather be than at your building, celebrating with you."

"Are you sure?" Ted questions.

She'll never be sure. Maybe she _is_ making another mistake. Maybe she'll hate herself in the future for not trying again even though it very well wouldn't have made a difference. But she's cried over him one too many times. She can't do it anymore. She doesn't have the strength to get hurt that way again, to have him reject her to her face one final time. "Ranjit," she proclaims, "to Teddy Westside's kickass building."

Ranjit starts making the drive but, unbeknownst to Robin, he gets a text from Ted telling him to take her to the World Wide News building instead. He was already heading there.

In the back, Robin sits looking out the window blankly, biting her thumb, trying so hard not to think about what's happening right now up on _her_ roof. Trying to just focus on Ted and the new GNB building. Okay, not the GNB part – that makes her think of Barney – but trying to think of Ted's accomplishment. _Focus on that and _nothing_ else_, she commands herself. _Don't think about the pain and maybe then you won't have to feel it. Ignore it and maybe it will go away or at least lessen to the point of being bearable_.

In an effort to do just that, Robin looks back to Ted, physically turning her focus where her mind and heart are failing to stay subconsciously. "Hey, do you realize that something you thought up in your head now exists as a part of the Manhattan skyline?" She manages a small but authentic smile for him and the many years he tried, the late nights back when they were roommates that she used to see him spending hunched over his drafting desk, trying to make his dream come true. "That's huge."

"It's just a building. I mean I'm incredibly young for such an achievement. But it's just a building." He falls into self-deprecation before eventually allowing, "Okay, you're right. It's _huge_."

"It _is_ huge." It's a cause for celebration. Even though _her_ world is crumbling, he still deserves to be applauded. "You're the star of the party. And who knows? Maybe the Future Mrs. Ted Mosby is gonna be there." She smiles encouragingly to him, offering him hope towards his greatest dream, and has absolutely no idea that in so automatically excluding herself from the title she's breaking his heart.

The limo comes to a stop a second later and Robin sits up to look out the window, preparing to see this great accomplishment of his up close and personal. But even as her gaze first penetrates the glass she instantly knows this chunk of pavement is far too familiar. "Wait, this isn't your – " Her heart falls and yet skips simultaneously at what she does see, and she sighs, slumping back against the seat. "This is the World Wide News building."

"Go get him," Ted instructs her.

He just doesn't seem to understand. Going and getting Barney is not an option. Barney isn't inclined to be gotten by her, and it's a matter of self-protection and basic survival at this point. She's already embarrassed herself over him countless times. She won't do it anymore. "I told you. I am _done_ chasing Barney." Her words are firm and even a bit angry now because he's made her face this again, this time _literally_, when she was trying so hard not to think about it. "Now can we please go to your party?"

"Robin, do you want to spend tonight – " Knowing what's coming she throws her head back against the seat in frustrated agitation. She can't handle this. She can't fight herself and him too. " – making small talk with a bunch of bankers in a daring yet refined contemporary masterpiece that King Kong should feel lucky to climb? Or do you want to follow your heart?"

Her strength begins to crumble at the mention of following her heart. Why does Ted have to keep hurting her by bringing it up this way? Why can't he just let it go? "Why do you keep insisting that I have feelings for Barney?"

"Because you _do_."

Ranjit's new text saves Robin from answering and she sighs, looking back out the window at the WWN building before them….and Barney, up on her rooftop. She starts to pick disconsolately at the skirt of her dress, simply needing the distraction.

"The point is," Ted starts in again, "you're not over Barney. That's why you freaked out about him proposing on the roof of the World Wide News building."

Hearing him repeat it – and now being right here where it's going to take place – makes it so painfully tangible. It's happening. It's really happening. Tonight. Right now. Tears form in her eyes as she turns to Ted. They clog her voice even as she tries to continue to argue. "I did not….freak out. It's just.…." She falters as the emotions swell again – horror, panic, sorrow, anger at Patrice, anger at herself. "…a teeny, tiny bit annoying that…" She looks away from Ted and loses her line of reasoning as her heart takes over. "…_I am the one who showed her that roof in the first place!_ DAMMIT, PATRICE!" she yells to the building, to where Barney may be proposing at this very second. Emotions are boiling over uncontainably, exploding out of her, and she feels like she can't breathe again.

"_Whoa_."

Struggling for air, she shakes her head and closes her eyes at the scene that's forming in her brain – Barney hugging Patrice; kissing her; down on one knee, asking her to be his wife. Doesn't Ted think she _wants_ to follow her heart and stop that? Doesn't he know that it's torture not to? But she doesn't have that privilege anymore. She lost that chance. She threw it away. And now it's too late to do anything but make a fool of herself again.

"What do you want me to do, Ted?" she asks, but really she's asking her heart, her heart that refuses to stay quiet, that keeps shouting at her to do something. _Do something_. But what can she do now? "Run up to that roof, knock the ring out of Barney's hand and say, 'Sorry to interrupt, but you should be with me'?" That's the reality of doing something _now_ – and it's a stark and painful picture, a nosedive into nothing but even greater heartache.

The car falls into silence. There's nothing but the rhythm of her heart pounding a tattoo that with every thump begs her to stop Barney, with every beat screams that she loves him.

"Is that what you want?" Ted asks as Robin's first tear falls, overflowing from her eye to kiss her skin.

She feels like all the fight has gone from her and a sad, shattered shell is all that's left behind. "_No_. I don't." That's why she's crying, because of course that's not what she wants. She doesn't want to keep being the third wheel, the hanger-on. She can only do that so many times before she's shattered beyond repair. She sighs, barely getting the words out as she breaks down even further. "I can't keep making an _ass_ out of myself." It's quickly approaching the point where it's something she'll never come back from. She can't face that humiliation again, that utter rejection, that undeniable knowledge that Barney doesn't want or love her no matter what she does or says. She won't go through that pain again.

She can't.

She turns away as the tears fall onto her cheeks unchecked now. Because she _can't_ do it again. She can't, and yet her heart belongs to Barney and all it wants to do is escape this car and go running to him.

"Well, a word in defense of making an ass of yourself," Ted says. "It's underrated."

Robin looks at him skeptically, pain and heartache coloring her every feature now. It doesn't seem there's anything underrated about the way she's been repeatedly rejected by Barney. It just genuinely sucks.

"Eight years ago I made an ass of myself chasing after you, and I made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. But I have no regrets."

Something in what he's saying makes sense. It strikes a chord deep within her and she recognizes that maybe he's right. Maybe it's not the chances you take that you regret; it's the chances you _didn't_. She certainly feels that way about that night last November. Maybe as hard as it is and as much as it hurts, you have to keep taking those chances if you're ever going to get the things that really matter.

"Because," Ted continues, "it led me to something that I wouldn't trade for the world. It led to you being my friend."

His words touch her poor bruised heart, making her lips turn up in a smile of gratitude as her eyes are flooded with a new batch of tears, this time good ones. He is being a great friend to her now by forcing her to face her feelings, by helping her to choose the _right_ path this time. No matter what happens, it feels good knowing she has a friend like that. Taking a chance with Ted all those years ago was the wrong chance and she knew it, but taking it led her to this friendship – and in a way even to the friendships she has with Lily and Marshall. Taking a chance with Ted led her to Barney. Taking a chance, even one where you very well might make an ass of yourself, can still work out for the best. It can still be the right choice, the _only_ choice, to make.

She may have missed those other chances and allowed her fear and denial to let both herself and Barney down, but not this time. Her life wouldn't be the same without Barney in it; she _needs_ him in it. There's no point denying it. There is nothing like the two of them. Nothing in her life has ever been so beautiful. No one in the world has ever understood and accepted her as-is the way Barney has. He's always been there for her in the moments that count, so ready to make her feel better, so patient with her. Maybe he'll show that patience one more time, understand the mistakes she's made and forgive her, once he hears how she feels about him. Maybe he _will_ give them another try. Yes, it's scary, but a gamble with this high of a pay-off is going to be scary. But it's also going to be worth it.

"So, as your friend and a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself," Ted declares, "I say to you from the heart, get the hell out of this car."

Robin smiles at him, already knowing he's right, already knowing what she's about to do, but feeling bad for Ted all the same – for abandoning him on the most important night of his career, for forcing him to worry about her at a time when all the focus and attention should be on him….and for those eight years of chasing after her when she never could be his to catch. "But Ted," she offers apologetically, rubbing the back of his hand and straitening his bowtie, "your big night." And in those words, in those actions filled with such compassion and empathy, is an apology for the pain _he's_ felt because she's never been able to return the same feelings he expressed.

"It's just a building."

Robin offers Ted one last smile before turning away to glance up at the World Wide News building, at her heart waiting for her up on the rooftop. With a sigh at the difficult task before her, at the chance of rejection and heartbreak she's walking into, she nevertheless grabs her coat and gets out of the limo. Because there's also a chance at happiness and returned affections. There's a chance that Barney's been waiting for her 'I love you' as much as she's been waiting for his. And it's that chance that has her feet moving across the sidewalk and into the building.

Hurrying across the lobby and into the elevator, she thinks about all the fear that's kept her from telling Barney how she feels long before now. She could have told him so many times but she was always too afraid of taking that risk.

_Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect. But that doesn't make it wrong._

That's what Barney told her a week ago, and he's right. For the past years she always connected that fear expressly and exclusively with Barney. And while it's true that his track record in many ways makes him a bad risk, that's just on the surface. It was _one_ of her concerns, but not the only thing keeping her from him. The passionate, uncontainable, uncontrollable nature of her relationship with Barney frightens her. She's never experienced anything like it. It's terrifying to feel so much, so deeply, and to be so vulnerable to one person. That's why she tried to tell herself they were bad for each other and she was safer with some other man who _didn't_ make her feel that way.

But now she realizes that's just love. If it wasn't Barney, if she had fallen for any other man – no matter how trustworthy, safe, and mundane he was – those same risks would still be there, that same depth of feeling, that same vulnerability. All this time she's been equating it specifically to Barney, to the two of them together, but it's _not_ because they're bad or somehow dangerous together. It's not that two "messes" can't make it work. Barney is the only one who makes her feel that way because he's the only one she's ever been truly, deeply _in love_ with.

And why has she been running from that? Why run from _love_, from a good thing, the thing she wants most? Some people spend their whole lives searching for that kind of love and can never find it, and it's been right here in her lap all this time and she's been throwing it away, running scared.

Maybe Kevin was right back when he was her therapist and he accused her of being afraid of happiness. She supposes it's because she's so rarely ever experienced real, true happiness in her life that when it came along it almost seemed too good to be true. She's been looking for the 'catch'; there had to be a catch in it somewhere. And of course there's also the fear of eventually _losing_ that love and happiness, of somehow screwing it up and getting hurt in the way you never can if you're with someone where your heart isn't truly invested. People say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but that always seemed like such a lie. If she had perfect happiness and then she lost it, all she'd be left with is perfect sadness. To know what that kind of happiness feels like and then have it taken away is so hard. She knows; she'd lived that once already the first time around with Barney.

So she prescribed to the philosophy that she's better off not trying in case she failed, better off not knowing what she was missing in case she later lost it. How many times has she thought the odds were in her favor to land a certain job but she wouldn't let herself get her hopes up or be happy about it because she didn't want to have to face the pain and disappointment later when the inevitable fall came and all that hypothetical happiness was wrenched away? Had many times has she not even _tried_ for the more prestigious sought-after job just because of that, because she didn't want to face that disappointment and loss when she didn't get it?

That's how she's been living in every aspect of her life, but she's finally figured out that is a stupid philosophy. Protecting herself from hurt in the long run by never allowing herself to feel at all, or get close to anyone, or risk grabbing happiness now because later on she might lose it means that all she's really doing is living a mediocre life, just existing.

Not only that, but she's not avoiding pain. She's hurting right now. She's been doing nothing _but_ hurting for the past year. Every time she saw Barney with Nora, and then with Quinn, and now with Patrice. Every day she simply lives without him by her side. She's not avoiding pain at all; she's just been taking it now instead of later. But what if 'later' never comes? What if that eventual fall isn't inevitable after all? Then she's choosing mediocrity and loneliness and pain, she's running away from happiness, _for nothing_.

When she was just a teenager, the day she went in for that simple modeling gig that led to her Robin Sparkles career, she got nervous they wouldn't think she was pretty enough and she almost didn't go. But her mother made her, telling her one simple thing she's forgotten until this moment. _Honey, you have to live like there's no midnight_. And this, right now, is what her mom meant. She can't let fear of failure, and heartbreak, and all of that happiness turning into a pumpkin at midnight hold her back from going after what she wants and living life _now_. As hard and as scary as it is, she has to take chances to get the good stuff in life and simply trust that it's _not_ going to all disappear overnight. Didn't her near chopper crash followed by fame and success prove that? Taking a chance on the WWN job to begin with proved that. Because of her fear she almost became a coin flip bimbo for the rest of her life.

And now because of her fear she may have lost Barney forever…..But maybe not.

She's spent the past four years learning she can't fight the way she feels for him – and she doesn't even want to anymore. It's time to stop running. She's finally ready to put it all on the line, to tell him everything, to throw herself at his feet, make a fool of herself again if that's what it takes for love, for _him_. She's ready to make this right. She's certainly going to try. She's ready to take a shot, take a chance, do everything in her power to get the two of them back together again.

There's not a second to waste either because it isn't too late yet but it's quickly approaching that time, and the thought of losing Barney is unconscionable. Who wants to waste seconds apart anyway when they could be spending them together? She's ready to take that leap with him. Right now.

At that very opportune moment, the elevator bings and comes to a stop. Stepping out, Robin pauses before the closed door leading onto the roof. She has no idea what to expect. It's possible that she's too late and the proposal already happened. But even if she is, she won't let that deter her this time from revealing her heart, from finally telling Barney how she feels. Or maybe she'll walk into a tender scene just like she described to Ted, catching the proposal midway. She steels herself for every possibility, but she opens that door.

What she finds catches her off-guard. Since the first time she saw it this rooftop has been her favorite place in the city, but it's never looked so beautiful, magical, like something straight out of a dream. There are little twinkling white lights like fairy's wings everywhere – strung up above her making a glowing roof overhead, covering all the shrubbery, along the railings on the edge of the building – and on every surface are more flickering lights, candles glowing in lanterns on the tables and on the floor, so that every square inch around her seems to be alive with light and wonder. And across the entire rooftop, blanketing every step she'll take, is a sea of red rose petals. It's the most romantic, breathtaking scene she's ever laid eyes on.

Her first thought is how Barney's outdone himself here and how much he really must love Patrice to make such an effort. But the man himself and Patrice are nowhere to be found. Could it be that she really is too late? They've already come and gone and left happily engaged while she was still in the limo wasting time debating with herself? Or is it possible that they just haven't arrived yet?

Then she sees a lone piece of paper sitting in the middle of the floor. Curious, she lets go of the door and, after glancing to her right just once more to be sure that no one's there, she walks over to the mysterious piece of paper with rose petals scattered all around it and even a few lying picturesquely atop it. It's too small to read yet, but she can make out one larger word on top….and it appears to be her name.

Did Barney leave some kind of note for her? Did he anticipate she'd try to come here and ruin things? Bending down, she picks it up, fascinated and at the same time terrified to read what it says.

_The Robin_.

Those are the words at the top of the page in what she instantly recognizes as his writing. By the time her eyes scan down to the bottom half it's already clicked in her mind that this looks like one of his _Playbook_ plays. Seeing the series of steps listed out beneath the title confirms it for her. But why does this play have _her_ name? She begins reading voraciously, desperate for answers.

_Step 1. Admit to yourself that you still have feelings for this girl._

Does that mean….her? Barney's saying he has feelings for _her_ but he had to admit them to himself? Her mind instantly goes back to Splitsville and the beautiful declaration of love that sounded so real and afterwards he tried to tell her was only pretend.

Hungry for more information, she reads on. _Step 2. Choose the completely wrong moment to make a drunken move after hanging out at a strip club_….

Here she knows he's talking about the night they went to Mouth Beach and he kissed her but she pushed him away. There's no mistaken that. It's what she reads next that sends her mind reeling.

…._and get shot down on purpose._

That was intentional? Was he even drunk? Come to think of it, she was packing away the booze that night but she never really saw _him_ getting a new glass. But why would he purposefully want her to reject him?

_Step 3_, she reads_. Agree that you two don't work, locking the door on any future you could have together_….

Wait, that wasn't real either? She drove herself crazy for weeks, hearing that speech repeating over and over in her mind: _I'm done._ And Barney had just made it all up?

_….which will drive Robin nuts._

Oh my god. Cold realization smacks her in the face with those words. He's been manipulating her this entire time.

_Step 4. Robin goes nuts._

What a triumph that must have been for him to make her lose control that way. She doesn't know which is more outrageous and embarrassing: that he saw it all coming and could so accurately anticipate exactly how she would react, or that while she was going crazy over him – throwing herself at him and running plays of her own – he knew exactly what she was doing and even _wanted_ her to act that way.

He must have loved every minute of knowing he has her in the palm of his hand. A fresh wave of mortification hits her as she remembers how she stripped for him, blatantly offering him sex….and he planned the whole thing.

_Step 5. Find the person who annoys Robin most in the world and ask for her help. _

Oh. My. God. Does that mean what she thinks it means?

Reading the rest of the step confirms that it indeed does. _Explain everything to Patrice and hope she agrees to help_. Robin's heart is flooded with relief. It's not real. He's _not_ proposing to Patrice. He doesn't love her. He was never even really with her.

But on the heels of that relief comes a rush of indignation. She's been falling apart, going through absolute_ agony_ thinking she's lost him, and it was all Barney's design. Everything that's happened over the past month and a half, none of it has been real. He's been playing her this entire time. Lying to her. Scheming and exploiting her feelings for him, manipulating them, tweaking them to his advantage.

She skims over, _Step 6. Check with your doctor about possible broken ribs,_ not quite understanding. And then, _Step 7. Pretend to be dating Patrice_, which she's already figured out.

She hurries on to, _Step 8. Wait until Robin inevitably breaks into your place to find _The Playbook _and show it to Patrice_….

He knew about _that_ too? That she'd be so desperate to keep Patrice away from him she'd actually break into his apartment? And he knew exactly what she'd be looking for too, exactly how she'd go about it.

He played her like a fiddle and she fell for it completely, just like one of his stupid bimbos she's spent years deriding.

…._which you'll monitor via the hidden cameras you have in your apartment._

Great. And he watched it all too. Her crawling around in his closet, snooping though his apartment, unearthing his various hidden compartments in what she thought was such a clever manner but now she recognizes was one hundred percent orchestrated by him. It's humiliating. She danced like a puppet on a string for him.

_Step 9. After Patrice "finds" _The Playbook_, have your first "big fight."_

And of course that was all staged too, every last bit of it. Except….

_Step 10. Prove your loyalty to Patrice by burning _The Playbook_, and actually burn it. You don't need it anymore._

In that moment when Barney burned _The Playbook_, renouncing that lifestyle and vowing to be a better, one-woman man – the kind of man who believes in commitment and monogamy like she always hoped he would – that's when she knew she could be with him forever if he'd only want her too. She's relieved to read that he still stands by his vow of giving up _The Playbook_. But that last part is slightly confusing. He claims not to need _The Playbook_ anymore, but his 'relationship' with Patrice wasn't real. The whole thing was all just a play itself – a play to accomplish what she still isn't sure yet.

_Step 11. Because your friends have no boundaries, they'll inevitably have an intervention for Robin, which you'll monitor via the hidden cameras you have in Marshall and Lily's apartment._

So Barney even saw that….and possibly heard all the others accusing her of being in love with him. She made this so easy for him, didn't she?

She reads over Step 12 and 13 together and finds herself further surprised. _Tell only Ted about your plan to propose to Patrice. Wait and see if Ted tells Robin. And if he does, it means your best bro in the world has let go of Robin and has given you his blessing._

That means he drug Ted into this too, unknowingly from the sound of it. Barney _wanted_ Ted to tell her about his supposed proposal plans tonight so he could get Ted's "blessing". But his blessing to do what?

_Step 14. Robin arrives at her favorite spot in the city_….

He remembered. He does know this is her favorite spot. That's when it sinks in that all of this is for her, this entire beautiful, romantic scene – the lights, the candles, the rose petals – it's all for _her_ benefit. The thought makes her heart flutter in a way she really wishes it wouldn't.

…._and finds the secret final page of _The Playbook_… the last play you'll ever run._

She blinks. He admits he's running a play on her then….but it's the _last_ one he'll ever run. It shouldn't make a difference to her. She should feel so taken advantage of. But he swears it's his last play; _she's_ his last play. And there's one more step to go. She really wants it – _needs_ it – to read _Tell Robin I love her_ because those words would go a long way toward making everything else okay.

Shaking, she reads the final step. _Step 15. Robin realizes she's standing underneath mistletoe._ At his words, she automatically looks up and – Sure enough, hanging from the end of a red ribbon, beneath a prettily tied bow, is a bouquet of mistletoe.

She just looks at it a moment, her mind and heart still all jumbled up from doing a complete 180 from everything she _thought_ she knew. But it only takes half that moment to put the pieces together and, sadly, it all adds up. The deceit, the manipulation, "The Robin" play custom-tailored to fool her.…and the mistletoe. Of course the last step would be mistletoe, not a declaration of feelings like she'd hoped but an overture guaranteed to grant _physical_ affection.

Her hopes fall and her features twist into distress, mirroring the hurt that's overtaking her heart. She wanted it to say _I love you_ and instead it ended in a come-on. _You're standing underneath mistletoe. Now come give Daddy a kiss_.

All these weeks she's been falling apart at the seams coming to terms with the fact that she's overwhelmingly, irreversibly, forever utterly in love with him. And he's merely been running a play on her, just like the countless other women he wants to end up in his bed.

And maybe that's not fair. He swears he's done with that and this is the last play he'll ever run – and he _did_ burn _The Playbook_ so he must be serious about that. But still….a _play_. He was running a play on her. Lying to her, pretending, playing on her emotions, bending them to his will this entire time. She was about ready to pour her heart out to him, burst up on the rooftop, interrupt his proposal, and _beg_ him to love her instead. Now, finding out the truth, she's expected to do what? Fall into his arms? Kiss him? Be flattered that he went to such lengths to sleep with her? Just be grateful for the chance to date him again? How can she possibly date him if he thinks of her as just a pawn to be maneuvered at his will, for his own gratification? How can she ever again believe a word that comes out of his mouth? She was ready to do _anything_ for him, and he still can't take their relationship seriously.

Robin turns from the mistletoe then and finds Barney not surprisingly standing there watching her from across the rooftop, expecting her to run to him she supposes. The air comes rushing out of her lungs in a frustrated sigh filled with such disappointment with herself for falling for it, but more than anything disappointment in him for not thinking more of her than this, for not _wanting_ more with her than this. "Seriously, Barney?" But he doesn't say a word in his own defense. He just keeps silently coming closer to her with a half smile on his lips that makes her frustration grow. "Even _you_, even someone as certifiably insane as you, must realize that this is too far." To play with her heart and play with her feelings this way just for a kiss, for a tumble in bed – even, best case scenario, for a chance to go out with her again – is inexcusable.

Though she hadn't seen him until now, Barney has been watching Robin the entire time, studying the rapt expression on her face as she found the play and read it over. He's able to take her anger now in stride because he knew she would react this way. He always knew that explanations and declarations of feelings would have to come later. There's only one thing that will move her now and it's waiting on the other side of that paper.

Amazingly, Barney won't answer her charge and still keeps looking at her that same way. It incenses Robin. Doesn't he get it? Doesn't he understand the magnitude of what he's done? "You lied to me, _manipulated_ me for weeks. Did – did you really think I could kiss you after that?"

Barney's lip twitches slightly because he knows what Robin thinks. He knows she's misunderstood his intentions – and in her place, admittedly, it would be hard not to. She thinks he doesn't take this seriously, but he's never taken anything more seriously in his life than the two of them and what he wants with her now.

"Did you really think I could _trust_ you after that?" Robin continues, outraged. She came up here fully prepared to grovel and plead for a second chance, and he's just looking for kisses and sex and….what? Another free and easy, physically based non-relationship? She doesn't even know what exactly it is that he wants from her, probably because he's done nothing but lie to her.

But all Barney does is merely smile at her, and it aggravates and hurts her so. Of all the things she'd hoped for coming up to this roof – that he would return her love; that he would want a future with her too, one they could start together from now on – _this_ is what she gets instead. A play. A silly little manipulative play to convince her to welcome him into her bed again. "This," she says looking down at "The Robin" condemningly, "this is proof of why we don't work – why we'll _never_ work."

Barney can go on smiling in the face of her anger because she's wrong on each and every charge. And because he knows what's coming – and he knows that she doesn't see it or expect it in the least. This _isn't_ frivolity to him, nor is it a ploy for sex. It's exactly the opposite, and she'll soon see that. There's no more running, no more hiding. This is him, standing firm on the way he feels about her. An all-in, ultimate vow to her.

After everything she's thrown at him, rather than disgrace or shame, Barney just keeps smiling, _still_ reacting so flippantly, and it breaks Robin's heart. She wanted sincerity from him, meaningfulness from him. She wanted him to take their relationship seriously, to care about the two of them being together more than anything else. That's all she's _ever_ wanted from him – that pledge, that assurance. But he still doesn't get it and he never will. She'll always just be a game to him, an amusement, a fun playmate whose company he enjoys. It makes her worth dating, definitely makes her worth sleeping with, but he can't even come close to grasping what she feels for him and what she wants from him in return. He'll never understand that or want that too. They'll never be on the same page and this proves it once and for all.

"So thank you," she tells him, but her voice starts to break from the tears that are building again, from the sting in her heart that refuses to go away, that never will again. "You've set me free. Because…._how_ could I ever be with a man who thinks that this…._trick_, this enormous lie, could ever make me want to date him again?" She waits for some kind of explanation, some response, some slight justification from him. She deserves that much.

_Date him again_. The words make Barney's smile widen. That's not what this is. This is _so_ much more than that. He's not looking for a quick lay, friends with benefits, or even just to date her again. He wants to make her his _wife_. This is forever. That's how he loves her. That's what he wants more than anything in this world. And that's what changes everything – that gravity, that level of unwavering devotion. He understands that now, and it's exactly what he's offering. _She_ just doesn't realize it yet. That's why he says three simple words, and not the ones one might expect. Those words are said too often and with too much insincerity. She'd never believe them from him right now. No, she needs to hear three different words from him now – and four more to come. "Turn it over."

Robin can feel the tears threatening. Another moment more and she'll be crying in front of him, and that's the last thing she wants. But that's _really_ all he has to say for himself? Just to direct her back to the play that made her so upset with him in the first place? He still can't even take her anger seriously.

She rolls her eyes in exasperation but, figuring she has nothing left to lose at this point, she does as he asks. On the back of the page, there's one last line she hadn't noticed until now. Sighing, she brings the paper closer….and her heart skips at what she reads. _Step 16: Hope she says yes._ 'Yes'? Yes to what?

Lowering the page, what Robin sees now makes her heart stop completely for a second in time, makes her world halt on its axis. Nothing will ever be the same. Because Barney Stinson is down on one knee with a diamond ring in his hand.

"Robin Scherbatsky," he begins, and she's still in utter shock, her eyes wide and heart racing now, her breath coming in gasps.

"Will you marry me?" Barney asks with such hopefulness but also with fear and nervous anxiety resounding in his voice. Everything hinges on her answer. She holds his heart, his world, in the palm of her hand. His entire future depends on what she says next.

Robin's mind is still trying to compute it as a reality. _Barney just asked me to marry him_. _Barney_ just asked me to _marry_ him. And in his voice was all that sincerity, all that emotion she'd been hoping for.

He did lie to her for weeks. He did manipulate her. But _this_ is why. This is what he wanted at the end. This is why he burned his _Playbook_. This is why he doesn't need it anymore. This is why "The Robin" is the last play he'll ever run. Because he's in love with her. And he wants to _MARRY_ her.

So many different moments with him in their long and varied history go dancing before Robin's mind: the night they _really_ met, when she teased him for the very first time and he declared he wasn't quite sure if he liked her; their first night truly broing out, with laser tag, cigars, and scotch galore; all the private moments over the next two years as their friendship grew stronger, the two of them growing closer as she shared things with him she'd never shared with anyone else but with Barney it felt okay and she never knew – was too afraid to examine – why; their first kiss; their first time together and all the moments after when she wanted to kiss him again, wanted to take him back to her bed again because it _did_ happen and neither one of them could deny it, but she kept fighting, fighting, fighting…and losing; their next kiss in that hospital room, taking that leap together; a thousand different moments over their secret summer, including the first time they truly made love; the morning they made it official and the night they called it a day, and too many moments to count in the years after where she longed for him, where she loved him and thought it was too late – the time Ted made her feel bad about herself but Barney convinced her that she was the most amazing, strong, independent woman and that was _awesome_; their night at the museum together, unable to resist touching the forbidden, which was a metaphor for their relationship if she'd ever heard one; their almost-kiss in the hurricane; the cab ride where they finally admitted to having loved each other once; their dance at Punchy's wedding; the Halloween she dressed up for him; their last time making love that he swore meant something to him and now she believes it; the night he led her to his storage locker and the box full of memories of them he couldn't bear to part with either; his declaration at Splitsville that apparently _was_ real after all. So many cherished moments with him, each one unforgettable. Their love has always been unforgettable.

Barney isn't perfect. He never will be. But neither is she. She isn't asking for perfection, and she knows he's never expected it in return – which is a good thing since she's so far from perfect herself. The truth is she _likes _Barney imperfect. Ever since she's known him, Barney has been the master manipulator, the almost always inappropriate "bad boy", and she loves him that way. That part of him always has appealed to her even if sometimes she's scolded herself for it – but maybe that's just part of _her_ imperfection, being attracted to the roguishness in him. She's dated plenty of good, upstanding men, guys that would never dream of lying to her, or manipulating her feelings, or running a play on her – guys like the Teds and Kevins of the world – but they were never The One. They could never truly do _it_ for her the way that Barney does, the way he can make her toes curl with just a single look or unseemly suggestion or highly improper double entendre.

Barney is a rascal, but he's _her_ rascal. She loves him, and now she knows he loves her. He _has_ changed and become a better man in the important ways. And he's choosing her _for life_. That's all that matters, this moment right now. This is the man she loves, who she's _always_ loved, and he loves her too. He's _committing_. He's finally forever committing. And that's _everything_. Everything she's ever dreamed of.

Robin blinks, blinks at the realization that all the things in life she never even dared _hope_ for are now within her grasp. He feels it too; he wants it too. And all she has to do is say one word to make it happen. She gazes down at Barney, whose eyes are locked on hers so earnestly, clearly in love with her as hopelessly and irretrievably as he said, and her mouth forms the smile her heart has already permanently stretched into. "_Yes_."

Her 'yes' in that moment is the sweetest thing Barney has ever heard. His heart swells and a smile of pure love lights his face. He gets to live now. He gets to be happy. He gets to have Robin as his _wife_. He knows there's no way he's done anything even close to deserving this. But, undeserving as he is, she loves him. _She said yes_. She wants to marry him too. And that has him up on his feet, hurrying towards her matching, dazzling smile.

Barney rushes to Robin, wraps his arms around her, and then his mouth is pressed to hers and all thought gives way to simply feeling as she reaches for him with both hands, letting "The Robin" fall through her fingers and onto the rooftop below in her urgency to touch him, to hold what she thought she'd lost but now she'll have for always.

He feels her hands on him, her soft lips against his – filled with so much love – and it's heaven here on earth. He wants to go on kissing her endlessly, but right now he _needs _to get the Whittaker family ring on her finger. It's the final piece that makes her his future wife.

Robin senses Barney pulling back and she leans into him, wanting the kiss to continue. It's _so good_, so much. It's him; it's _them_. She's aching to enfold him in her arms and be held in his forever. Her heart is demanding there are infinite more emotions left to be poured out into another kiss and then another, for all time. Even as he lets go of her, she keeps reaching for him until finally she opens her eyes and realizes what he's doing. Then she lets her left hand slide down his chest so he can take it in his. She watches entranced as he slips his engagement ring onto her finger, making it official. She's unable to tear her eyes away, still hardly able to believe it's all real.

But Barney, he can't stop looking at Robin's face, captivated, watching all the emotions play across her features as she stares in wonder at the ring now on her finger that means she's going to be his wife, they're going to be married and build a life together filled with awesomeness and love.

When Robin looks up at Barney again their eyes meet. Hers are filled with such amazement and awe, and his with a pure happiness he sees reflecting back at him. Then he can't stand it any longer; he _has_ to be kissing her again. And he can now. He can kiss her forever. The realization seems to hit her at the same time, and her joy bubbles into laughter. He laughs too, pulling her back into his arms, encircling her in his embrace as they laugh against each other's mouths. They can barely stop smiling long enough _to_ kiss but they manage it somehow just as gentle flakes of snow begin to fall adding to the magic of the moment.

Beneath the Christmas mistletoe, Barney's lips connect with Robin's softly, tenderly, as he runs his hand lovingly over her back. She lets her purse fall to the rooftop so she can wrap both arms around his neck to hold him closer, and his hand in turn slips down to her waist as he gently rocks her while they continue kissing. And in these kisses there's a world of love and comfort, of reward and recompense and unadulterated happiness they've both waited years for - that was waiting for _them _all along. They just had to get to this moment.

* * *

><p><em>Every memory repeats, every step I take retreats.<em>  
><em>Every journey always brings me back to you.<em>

_After all the stops and starts, we keep coming back to these two hearts._  
><em>And after all that we've been through, it all comes down to me and you.<em>  
><em>I guess it's meant to be forever you and me after all.<em>

* * *

><p>What starts off soft and gentle rarely ever stays that way long with the two of them, especially when they haven't been together in a year, and only the once then. With such intensity of feeling, it's impossible not to escalate further and their kisses soon deepen. Barney slips his hands under Robin's coat to grasp her waist as she clutches onto his shoulder, their bodies pressing together intimately, her hips curving to his. Her coat bunches up as he skims his arm to the small of her back, but neither one of them notices or cares. Soon he moves his free hand up into her hair, supporting her neck and holding her mouth tightly to his for their increasingly passionate kissing.<p>

But a second later, Barney slowly ends the kiss. He hadn't meant to start this yet, not when he still has something so important to say. Keeping his arms around her, pulling back just far enough to look into her eyes, he softly tells her, "I love you."

"_Good_," Robin breathes, her voice heavy with emotion. "Because I love you too."

Such bliss washes over him finally hearing her say it, and he kisses her again. He can't help it; it's uncontainable. When he feels moisture on his skin from hers, he draws back and is surprised to see that she's crying. "It's okay," he promises, cupping her face. "Baby, it's okay. I'm here now. I'm never going away."

She nods, overwhelmed with emotion and absolute happiness – a condition she once thought was beyond her. "I'm sorry," she laughs at herself as he wipes away her stray tears. "I just_ really _love you."

"And I _really_ love you." He moves his arm down to her back and cradles her to him as he kisses her some more.

Several moments later, Robin breaks the kiss, softly humming a sigh. Smiling at him – she's pretty sure she'll never be _not_ smiling for weeks to come – she slips out of Barney's arms to look around the rooftop at the beautiful scene he's created. "I can't believe you did all this for me."

"Of course I did. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."

"But….all of this…_This_," she says, bending to pick up "The Robin" from where it landed about a foot away from them, "this means you and Patrice never – "

Barney shakes his head 'no'. "It was always you. It's _only_ been you."

"And you remembered this is my favorite spot in the city." She shakes her head in wonder. "No one else knows that. I only told you once, back when I first got the job at World Wide News. That was two years ago."

"And I had lunch up here with you almost every day last summer," he reminds her, walking over to the patio table where she's gently placing "The Robin" for safekeeping. "And I missed it every day I couldn't be with you here this summer."

"Come here," Robin beckons, pulling him in for a light kiss before crossing over to the railing. "Come look at the city with me."

There are many things still left to talk about but they're both too lost in a haze of love to bother with the details right now. Barney's arms encircle Robin's waist from behind and he draws her back against him, his joined hands resting low against her abdomen as they look out at the beauty of this giant city where somehow they managed to find each other.

"It's hard to believe this is real," she marvels, leaning her left arm against the railing, gazing over at the new GNB building where she could have been right now. She's so thankful the night had something else in store for her.

Barney pulls her closer, adjusting their bodies to the new positioning. "We've gone through a lot to get to this moment."

Robin thinks back on a few of those things, some of them better left forgotten, but it doesn't matter now because it's all behind them. "We've waited years."

"We're not waiting anymore."

She turns her head to smile at him and he smiles back, bending to kiss her lips. But he loves her so much he can't resist going back for more, sweetly kissing her nose too. With her eyes still closed, she cuddles back against him, pressing her temple to his check, feeling surrounded by him, so loved and so content. Resting his cheekbone against her forehead he leans into her, closing his eyes too, and it's a moment of complete and utter peace. When Robin opens her eyes again from the corner of them she sees Barney's mouth stretch into a wide smile that matches her own as the snow continues to fall on them while he silently holds her, safe and warm and serene.

They never stopped loving each other, not even once. And through all the almosts and what could have beens, every time they tried to move on, their hearts wouldn't let them. Through everything they've gone through – both together and apart – to get here, the love they feel for each other has never disappeared. Instead it's evolved and grown stronger with time into an enduring, unbreakable force that's woven them together inseparably. That same love inexorably drawing them back, always back to each other, because this is home. Forever, this is home.

It's a wonderful feeling this new serenity, but it can only last so long before Robin cranes her neck back seeking another kiss. But the awkwardness of the angle throws them off and this time they miss completely. Barney's mouth lands just south of hers, which causes them both to laugh and Robin to turn completely in his arms.

With her back now pressed against the railing, she places a short, proper kiss to his lips. "It's perfect up here," she observes. "We could stay here all night just watching the snow fall on the city."

He nods in agreement. "We could,"

"Or we could go someplace more private and _really_ celebrate."

"That one," Barney deadpans. "Let's do that one."

After quickly going around the rooftop blowing out the various lanterns, they gather their things, first "The Robin" because she wants to keep it, and then her forgotten purse – which, in a fit of sentimentality, she tucks a handful of rose petals into to commemorate the moment.

"Ready?" Barney asks, holding his hand out to her, and it's a loaded question. Not just is she ready to leave the roof and this beautiful scene, but is she ready to walk through that door with him and start a new life together beginning tonight.

But there's not even a moment of hesitation in her heart. "_Ready_," Robin declares, slipping her hand into his.

Once they're in the elevator making the descent down to the ground floor, he turns to her. "Now that we're being honest, now that we have all our cards on the table…."

"Mm-hmm," she nods, prepared to answer whatever question might come her way.

"….Let's talk about you showing up at my door half naked, you little minx," he says, snaking his arms around her waist and pulling her to him. "Do you know how hard it was – pun definitely intended – for me to turn you down that night?"

"It didn't seem very hard."

"That's because you didn't see me after. Patrice had to physically hold me back from running after you."

"She did not," Robin laughs.

"For a second or two, I swear," Barney insists, his laughter mingling with her. "But in the end I loved you enough to say 'no' until you were ready to say 'yes' to us."

"I'm ready now."

Never missing a cue to lean in for a kiss, Barney does just that but gets upstaged by the opening of the elevator doors as they arrive on the main floor.

Ranjit is standing on the other side waiting, and his face lights up seeing them in each other's arms. "Told you you're in love with Barney," he brags to Robin.

"You were right, Ranjit."

Ranjit leads them through the WWN lobby and out to the waiting limo, opening the door for them. Barney ushers Robin ahead of him and when she sets her left hand on the doorframe, Ranjit immediately catches the light dancing on the diamond. "Is that an engagement ring?" he asks, fairly bursting with excitement.

They both grin ridiculously and exchange a silent look, determining it's alright to spill their news to Ranjit. "Yes," Barney confirms, "but we haven't told anyone yet."

"I'm the first to know," Ranjit states in reverence, the pride evident in his tone. "Congratulations!"

Once they've climbed into the limo and Ranjit is ready at the wheel, Robin requests of him, "But if you wouldn't say anything, please. It's kind of our secret for tonight."

Barney inches closer to her in the warmth of the backseat. "We love secrets."

"Where to?" Ranjit asks.

Robin looks to Barney. "Your place is closer."

"To my apartment, Ranjit," he says, never taking his eyes off Robin. The way she's looking at him speaks of all the wonders still to come. Tonight is going to be one spectacular night. "And put the partition up."

Ranjit laughs knowingly as he presses the button, and then the two of them are in perfect privacy – at least visual privacy, since Robin knows the partition is certainly not soundproof. They start to kiss but then.…

"You know, Ranjit _will_ blab," Robin says against Barney's lips.

"Yep," he absently manages between kisses. And then, "I guess I _should_ text Ted and let him know what happened."

Robin pulls away reluctantly, setting her hand to his chest. "It's better that he hears it from one of us." Barney pulls out his phone and she reaches into her purse doing the same thing. "I'll text Lily."

Once that task is done, he wraps his arm around her again, nuzzling his face against her neck. Her left hand is in his free one and he can see she's staring in amazement down at the ring.

When he squeezes her closer to his side, she speaks her thought aloud, "You love me. I mean, you really, really do love me." Her voice reads like she still can't quite believe it. "If all you wanted was sex, you could have had it, but you didn't. You wanted more than that. You want to _marry_ me."

It's still difficult for Barney to grasp that Robin didn't understand the way he felt about her, the depth of his love. It seems so obvious to him that he has to keep reminding himself this is an issue for her. "Yes, I want to marry you. I want everything with you. A marriage, a life together. I want it all, with _you_."

She kisses him soundly then takes to playing with the knot of his tie. "I can't believe this whole thing – this past month and half – was all pretend."

"It was me trying to win you back."

"You never really lost me, Barney. You couldn't. I found that out the hard way," she admits. She has to know, though, why this play? Why did he feel that all this elaborate subterfuge was necessary? "But why didn't you just tell me how you felt that night at Splitsville? That _was_ real, wasn't it? That wasn't part of the play?"

"That was very real. I meant every word, but you weren't ready to hear them," he explains and Robin knows he's right. "If I would have told you then, you would have let me kiss you. You maybe even would have gone home with me. But, in the morning, you would have run away. I didn't want either of us running anymore. I knew I had to show you that I'd changed, that you didn't have to be afraid to take a chance on me, on _us_. I'm in this thing as much as a person can be. I know what I want, and it's you – forever. You weren't ready to believe that yet or to even admit that's what you wanted yourself."

He has a very good point but she's still trying to work it all out in her mind, what was real and what wasn't. "But the night you kissed me, _that_ was pretend?"

"The timing was all wrong, but nothing about that kiss was pretend," Barney stresses. "For the first time in a year I was kissing you, and it felt like coming home."

She reaches over and strokes his face, has to be touching him somehow. "But you did it on purpose? You knew I would….misunderstand, I would push you away. Why did you want that? Was it really just so you could reject me and make me go crazy wanting you?"

"You had to get to that same place that I did. Getting you to turn me down gave me the chance to lock the door on us, to tell you that we just didn't work and I was done trying to be with you. I had that moment last year, when you walked into MacLaren's with Kevin."

Robin knew they would have to get to this topic eventually, but it raises all sorts of warning flags and she really doesn't want to ruin this bubble of happiness they're in. "Barney – "

"No, it's okay. I'm not looking for an explanation," he assures her. "I just mean that when you refused to leave him and come talk about us, that was that moment for me, that we're-never-going-to-be-together moment. The only reason I wrote Step Four as 'Robin goes nuts' is because that's what happened to _me_."

Robin looks at him intently, her brow furrowed with guilt and pain at his pain. They've both done their fair share of hurting each other, intentionally or not, but that is one night she was always deeply regret.

"'Barney goes nuts'; that's been the whole past year. Everything since then," he tells her, finally coming clean. "Not just Brover and the nannies, but _everything_ – Quinn, all of it. It was just months of me losing it over you and frantically, desperately trying to pick up the pieces. Until I came rushing into that restaurant, begging you to break up with Nick. Listening over the phone and hearing you weakening, I – I just knew. That was the moment I knew I couldn't go on this way. I _couldn't_ settle for anything less than you, no matter what it took to get you back." He smiles over at her, his fingers playing with hers. "Until I saw the way you looked at me out on the street afterwards and I knew there was hope after all. But I also knew we were never going to be together and you were always going to keep running until _you_ came to that place of knowing too. Until I could show you that I've changed in all the ways that matter, that you are the _only _one I want, and I'm serious about our future."

"You were right. About everything – every way I would react, the fact that I would have run away in the beginning. Barney," Robin says, tightening her grip on his hand and turning in the seat to fully face him because he needs to understand this part, "loving you, wanting you, it all came so easy. Every time I was around you, eventually whenever I even _thought_ about you, it was always just….there. I didn't have to try or force it. In fact I tried my very hardest to make it go away. But it was always still there, that spark between us, that connection, that way I loved you like nobody else. And so I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be us. But I thought it couldn't be; that it _shouldn't_ be. We tried and we failed, and I thought that meant something. I thought that made us somehow wrong, somehow destined to only just fail again. And we had our chance – really our _chances_ – since then and we never took any of them. Then when we slept together, when we _cheated_, it seemed to only prove how wrong we were together, what a mess we were. You even said so that next night. And I just…."

She hesitates because no excuse is good enough. He said he isn't looking for an explanation, still he deserves one. But all she can offer him is the truth. "I was scared, Barney. I was terrified of getting hurt again. So I ran away and I stayed with Kevin. I made a mistake not choosing you that night. I think I always knew it deep down, and I really knew it as soon as I broke up with Kevin. But there was nothing I could do. You'd moved on. You met Quinn and I….I really _hated_ that."

It feels shockingly good to get that off her chest, and she notices Barney absorbing the information with keen interest, so she continues telling him everything. "Watching that, watching you live with her, it was torture. But I had to be happy for you. I thought that we'd missed whatever chance we might have had – that _I_ missed it for us – and now you loved someone else. It hurt like hell, but I told myself it was okay. It was okay that it wasn't me because you were happy, and that was how it was supposed to be. But, honestly, I just felt like jumping in front of a bus. And that's when I bumped into Nick again and I decided to grab onto this good timing for once and _make_ it work. I was just trying to get by, to rebuild, to….to survive."

"And then you got _engaged_, you of all people," Robin says with a trace of humorless laughter, and Barney is surprised because he can _still_ hear the pain thick in her voice. "I understood how huge that was. And it killed me – never believe for a moment that it didn't _kill_ me. It felt like someone was ripping my heart out. But there you were, stepping into marriage and making a life for yourself, a good life. I wanted that for you, even if it couldn't be with me, because I always wanted to believe you had that in you to want something more. I was happy that you were finally happy even though it did break my heart seeing you with her." She puts her other hand on top of his, holding it enveloped between the two of hers. "But I still loved you. I've _always_ loved you. I can't make it stop, and I don't want to anymore. I'm never gonna try to again."

"Wow." Barney shakes his head at all the time they've wasted. "I had no idea you felt that way. I – I guess I thought maybe at first it bothered you a little, when I gave you the key to the storage room, but you never said anything."

"I went there and saw all the stuff you kept of us. I cried," she admits quietly. "I still have the key in my nightstand."

"I may have been back there during the summer a time or two myself," he divulges, confession for confession. "Robin, listen, the day I got engaged to Quinn, when I said it was our last chance to run away together I meant it. I wanted you to stop me, to tell me not to marry her, to say the word – just one word – and I would have run off with you to Canada or anyplace else you wanted to start that new life together. It was always you. No one else has even come close to touching my heart. How could they? You already own it."

Barney gathers her back against the seat again, his arm around her shoulders protectively. "Before you, my life was crazy and wild. It was a bachelor's dream, and I told myself that's all I wanted. But there was still this….hollow feeling, this aimlessness. Then I met you, and there was an amazing chemistry between us instantly that I _really_ wanted to explore, but you were off-limits. And then I got to know you, and the closer we got the more you showed me how empty my life actually was. The way I felt when I was with you was such a contrast. I knew _you_ were what had been missing from my life. I just fell so completely in love with you, Robin. From the very start, just being around you made me happy. There was never any doubt that you were what my heart, what _every_ part of me wanted. But I just thought – I mean I'm pretty sure I'm not good enough for you. I thought you'd figured that out. I _know_ you deserve someone better."

"There _is_ no one better," Robin swears, taking his hand in hers again.

"Yeah, that's true," he teases and she smiles. "But I thought maybe you just _wanted_ me from time to time, but you didn't love me. Or not enough. Not as much as you loved Kevin, or Ted, or Nick."

"Wait, _Ted_?" Robin says, sitting bolt upright. "You knew about that?"

"You kissed him. You thought about getting back together with him. At least that's the way Ted tells it. That's why I had to work those steps into the play."

Robin sighs heavily. She's still embarrassed about her actions that morning, what they might have made Ted falsely believe….and what they apparently made Barney think too. "Nothing happened. It was a very short blip on the radar. I wasn't thinking straight. I stupidly chose Kevin and he left me too, which means I threw away my chance with you for nothing. It was all just a reaction to losing you and everything I felt for you. I panicked." She puts her hand to his face, her thumb softly stroking his jaw. "But running away from you the way I did, it was never because you're not good enough or that you don't matter to me. It's because you're the only one who _does_ matter. Nothing about the way I feel for you made sense, and given your track record with women you seemed like a dangerous person to love that way, that _much_. So I spent years trying to fight it, and bury it, and make it go away. But I couldn't control it and that terrified me. Kevin and Ted and Nick weren't better choices. They were _safer_ choices. I could walk away and it wouldn't devastate my life. They didn't have the power over me that you do so they couldn't ever hurt me the way that you can."

It's beyond wonderful to hear her say all that, to finally have proof straight from her mouth that there wasn't anything wrong with him and that it wasn't simply because she never loved him enough. But Barney can also hear her remorse. He can see how truly awful she feels for some of the choices she'd made over the past year and he has to set her heart at ease. "I understand that, I do. Robin, I've been afraid too," he acknowledges. "We've both made mistakes."

"I came up here to you now, though," Robin offers, "even thinking you were about to propose to another woman. Because I almost lost you once; I couldn't let it happen again. As scary as it was taking that chance, not being with you – _never_ being with you – is _impossible_. It's unthinkable. You once said I'm the least needy woman you've ever known, that I don't need anything, but that's not true. I need you. I love you more than I've ever loved anything. More than I even knew was possible. Yes, that scares me, but I'm not running anymore. Because when you touch me, when you kiss me – god, when you just _smile_ at me – it's like breathing, it's like living, it's everything. In that moment, everything just feels right. I feel….whole. And I didn't want to live without that feeling. I don't think I could." She brings her right hand down to her engagement ring, twirling it with her thumb. "And then seeing you down on one knee asking me to _marry_ you…..To know that you want me, you love me, and you're committing to us – that s all I've ever wanted but I never thought I could actually have."

"Well, you can. We both can. We're _going_ to have it," Barney vows, cupping her face with both hands. "This love, Robin, I've never known anything like it. It took me awhile to wrap my mind around it, to be brave enough to recognize it for what it was, but being with you is all _I_ ever wanted. Dating you the first time made me realize I wanted something more out of life. Meeting my dad put a name to it: marriage, commitment, forever. He convinced me that it wasn't too late for someone like me, just like it hadn't been too late for him. And the moment he told me that, the only one I wanted it with was you. I even told him I already met the right woman. Marrying _you_ is all I've wanted for the past two years. There's never been a time when I wasn't in love with you. There never _will_ be a time. You're it for me. My first choice. My always choice. Everything."

Neither of them is quite sure who leans in first. It's more like a joint movement towards each other, and then they're kissing again and that's all that matters. With feelings now out there and hearts laid bare it feels better than ever before to lose themselves in each other. It starts to get heated, hearts are pounding and breathing is hitched and they can both feel every second of the past year since they were together this way. But then the car jolts to a stop, Ranjit is opening the door, and they're forced to break apart.

Climbing out of the limo a second time and making her way through another building's lobby feels infinitely better to Robin on this go round, especially with Barney holding her hand in his. Waiting for the elevator, he pulls her close, kissing her cheek and then her lips softly.

"We don't have to talk about all of this now," she tells him, still holding "The Robin" in one hand but burrowing her free hand beneath his beige coat to grasp his tie. "All that matters is that you love me and I love you – and _we're getting married_. We have the rest of our lives to sort out the other stuff. Tonight is for much better things."

"Making up for lost time," he agrees, bending to set his forehead against her forehead, his mouth teasingly close to hers. But the elevator opens then and they have no choice but to step inside, Barney hurrying to push the proper floor.

"We have a lot to make up for…..And we should start right now," Robin adds the moment the doors close. She kisses him passionately and it's an incredible feeling. Getting to be kissed by him again is still new and yet so familiar; he's right, it is like coming home. She sighs into the kiss as his tongue slips inside her mouth to stroke hers, teasing, seducing, making her want him even more.

Barney makes a small gruff sound, something close to a moan, and then he's pressing her back against the elevator wall for leverage, his hands tight on her hips. But only moments later Robin can feel him rein it in, switching back to gentle tenderness again. She knows what he's doing. He doesn't want her to feel like it's all sexual. Drawing her mouth away from his, she smiles. "Barney, you don't have to hold back with me. Not anymore. Neither of us does."

It's on the tip of his tongue to deny it, but she's right that they don't have to do that anymore. "I just don't want it to seem like all I can think about is taking you to bed," he softly allows. "I'm trying to be sensitive."

"That's sweet." She slips her hand beneath his suit coat now to touch him with only his thin dress shirt in between her hand and his skin. "But," she adds, her hand drifting lower down his chest, "has it never occurred to you that _I_ might be preoccupied thinking about taking _you_ to bed? This is still us, after all."

Grinning, Barney kisses Robin, letting his hips press into hers this time, using them to nudge her back against the wall again. She can feel how much he wants her and it makes up for all the times he turned down her plays before.

The doors open suddenly and they momentarily scandalize Barney's new neighbor who was waiting to take the elevator downstairs, but it's something Mrs. Watukowski is going to have to get used because there's going to be an awful lot of making out in elevators in their future. But her disapproving stares do manage to pull them a discreet distance apart while Barney unlocks his door and lets them inside the apartment.

He turns on the light, locking the door behind them, while Robin walks further into the living room, stopping beside the couch. "The last time I was here I was hiding in a closet…."

"I know. I saw. You looked cute hiding there in my suits."

"The last time I was here you burned _The Playbook_."

"I don't need it anymore," he maintains, coming to stand beside her. "Just this page." He takes "The Robin" from her, dropping a kiss quick on her lips as he passes by to set it safely on the kitchen counter.

"I love your tree," she observes. It's the first time she's really had a chance to take it in. It was hard to notice such details before when she was embroiled in breaking and entering. The red and green ties in lieu of garland are a nice touch. "It's very you."

"I wanted to show you how domestic and homey I can be," Barney informs her cheekily, taking off his coat and laying it across the back of the couch.

"Well, it's our kind of domestic. Not quite traditional but somehow it works."

Barney smiles at her. "Do you want a drink?" he asks.

She shakes her head. "No."

"Something to eat? I cheated you out of that grand spread at Ted's opening."

"No."

His smile burns with purpose now. "Then what _do_ you want, Robin?"

She slowly approaches him, well aware she has his rapt attention on her every move. The air is positively crackling between them with years' worth of tension to be resolved. The sex tonight is going to be _amazing_. He always ranked we-just-got-engaged sex up there in the top three, only this time it's for real – and it's _them_.

Stopping in front of him, just shy of their bodies touching, Robin whispers, "The same thing you do."

Then he's reaching for her and they're kissing with the kind of visceral, overwhelming passion they've only ever felt for each other. To say that Barney has thought about this night a lot during the course of planning "The Robin" is a serious understatement. His principal wish for the evening is to take things slowly and really indulge themselves this time, but he wants her desperately enough that he can't help the heated brush of his hand down her curves as they equally propel one another toward the bedroom. Their way is somewhat slow and stunted since neither one will stop kissing each other long enough to look where they're going, but when they reach his partially closed bedroom door Barney finally breaks away from her long enough for Robin to notice the soft glow of candlelight emanating from the room.

He pushes the door open all the way and there are candles blanketing every dresser and nightstand giving the room the same magical quality the rooftop had. "Just in case you said 'yes'," he explains. "I have a candle guy."

She laughs, walking into the bedroom first, watching him as he sheds his suit jacket and sets it across the desk. Then he comes back over to her side and slowly strips her of her coat too, depositing it atop his.

It's the first time he's seen Robin tonight without the coat covering her. She wasn't lying about the dress; it does show side boob. She looks incredible in it and his eyes roam over her figure with naked desire. "You're beautiful. Breathtaking."

Barney walks over to stand behind her, allowing one hand to grasp her waist, gently pulling her back against him. The other hand flutters a path down her bare arm to pick up her left hand. Holding it up in his, he circles his thumb around her engagement ring. "You wearing this ring makes it complete." His breath blows out warm and enticing across her neck and he can already hear her breathing start to pick up. "Perfectly, utterly beautiful," he whispers kissing her cheek, the line of her jaw. "Hot and sexy too." He lets her hand drop back down to her side, using both of his now to feel her from her waist to her hips down to her thighs and back up again, burning a teasing trail along her sides stopping just short of grazing her breasts. Brushing her hair aside, he presses his mouth to her neck, laying a path of soft, moist kisses before opening his mouth over her skin and applying enough suction to make her melt even further in his arms, pressing back against him wanting more.

Robin has one hand on his wrist, gripping him as he methodically touches her, the other at the back of his neck, her fingers curling into his hair. "Barney? Do you remember…." But his tongue is doing something fabulous in the sweet spot where her neck meets her shoulder and it makes her train of thought momentarily blur. "…do you remember the last time we were together?"

He knows she means sex and he brings his mouth up to her ear, biting at the lobe. "I remember _every_ time we were together."

"Good answer," she purrs. Before she can formulate a further response his mouth is back down biting at her neck and he's moving the strap of her dress off her shoulder to bare more skin to his lips.

"I'm glad you like it," he hums, his voice deep and thick with lust. He moves his mouth to kiss along the baby soft skin of her shoulder now. "It also happens to be the truth." Then he turns her around in his arms, dipping his head to kiss just beneath her collarbone and across to the hollow of her throat where he can feel her pulse racing. From her throat he makes his way down to the swell of her breast, allowing himself to both kiss and caress her there now, first one than across to the other following the deep V of her neckline.

A faint sound of wanting escapes her. "I can't…" Robin gasps, her fingers tightening on him. "I can't remember what I was saying…."

"The last time we were together," Barney prompts, smiling. He flips the one remaining strap of her dress down, giving her other shoulder the same treatment.

"The last time was…._good_," she says, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and holding him firmly to her. "It was _really_ good. The way we – "

"The way we looked into each other's eyes when we first started," he finishes for her. "How I watched the pleasure on your face, seeing the way we make love – the power of it – in ever tiny change in the color and brightness of your eyes."

"_Yes_," she evocatively sighs, not sure if she's ever wanted him more. Because he remembers that. He was feeling it too. That night meant something profound to him as well as her. "It made it feel special."

"I can do that, Robin," he earnestly promises. "I can make you feel special."

"You already have."

He gives her dress the last little nudge it needs to slide down the rest of the way, but as he does he watches her _eyes_, sees it all again – the desire, the connection, the love – in their tinniest flicker as her dress slips down to her waist. Then his eyes go traveling in the way he wouldn't allow them to before when she showed up nearly naked at his door. He glides his hands along her bare sides nudging the dress down over her hips and it falls to the floor, pooling at her feet…..And he takes in the sight of all her glorious nudity. "No underwear," he says as if it almost pains him. His eyes are hot on her, taking in every last inch.

"I didn't want a pantyline," Robin explains in a breathy whisper because the way he's looking at her is both too much and not enough and she really just needs him to be touching her again.

"No," Barney shakes his head, "you do not have one." He reaches out, running his hand low over her abdomen where her underwear would be, his pinky just a millimeter shy of indecent. Robin shivers and her knees nearly buckle. He smiles and in an instant has her scooped up in his arms, laying her down on the bed as he hovers over her kissing her soundly, drawing on her bottom lip in a way that makes her whimper and strain up towards him.

But Robin wants to get more clothes off _him_. So far it's unfairly one-sided. Dreaming up all those plays has made her want nothing more than to get her hands on him too. She sits up, forcing him back onto the foot of the bed where she straddles him. He accepts the new position with ease, continuing to kiss her as she takes off his tie and unbuttons his shirt.

Once she gets him completely shirtless she presses herself to him chest-to-chest and it feels _so_ good, but she wants to touch him first. She runs her hands all over his hard chest, down and up and back again feeling his muscles quiver beneath her palms. Then she bends to kiss his pecs, working her mouth over him. His breath whistles through his teeth as her tongue laps over his nipple and she stops, looking up at him. "Good?"

"_Fantastic_." She shifts over him, begins rocking slightly against him as her fingers take over what her tongue was doing, now using her mouth to suck at his neck, her teeth scraping across his skin, and Barney groans. "It's just been a while."

"I know. Too long," she emphasizes, using her knees at his hips to nudge herself still closer, increasing the contact, as she goes on kissing him.

"Not just for us," he clarifies, breathless at what she's doing, "but _at all_." That has her full attention and she eyes him curiously. "Going on two months."

"Barney Stinson celibate?" There's a twinkle in her eye of teasing but even more so of love. "We weren't even together."

"But I was trying to be," he tells her in complete seriousness. "You are the only one I want to be with." He skims his hands up her bare skin from knee to neck, lingering over the good places. "And it's been too long without you."

"Not anymore." Robin slides down his thighs, working at his belt, getting it undone in a flash and going for his zipper. She watches his eyes intently as she plays there, taking her time about it. When the task is complete and he's grunting, helpless in her hands, she shifts back. "That's the mistake you always made. You thought being single and using _The Playbook_ was the way to get sex." With her legs still resting on either side of his hips, she leans back on her arms like an offering in the candlelight. "Now that we're together again, you're going to be getting so much sex you won't even know what to do with yourself."

Barney's eyes burn hot and hungry. "Oh, I'll know what to do." Then he's up on his feet, shedding his pants and boxers, throwing them to the ground careless of the potential damage to a beloved suit. A moment later he's on her skin-to-skin, and that's almost enough for Robin on its own. "Do you know how long I've wanted you?" he asks her.

She responds to him eagerly, hooking her leg around his ready to receive him, but he pulls back, determined that as lovely as the last time was it's not going to be like that now, hot and frenzied and quick. "I've waited five weeks thinking about this moment. We're gonna take our time." He wants this first time together again to mean something, to be an expression of love. And he wants to make her feel special, so it's going to start with him adoring and loving _her_ first.

He kisses her deeply, lets his mouth mingle hotly with hers. Then he kisses from her neck down, lavishing attention on her body in all the places that make her sigh. His soft, skilled tongue against her heat, both relieving and inciting the ache, draws a breathy moan from her. He's always been so good at this. He blows all her other lovers out of the water. That's the last conscious thought she has before her fingers curl into the sheets in helpless pleasure.

The next thing Robin's aware of is Barney kissing back up her body, softly stroking her skin as she catches her breath, coming down from the high. Still trembling, she opens her eyes and breathes his name, her eyes aglow as she smiles at him softly. He smiles back in that warm, melting way he only smiles for her that always makes her heart swoop and her world tip on end. Then his mouth is on hers, soft and enticing, his kisses and knowing touches making her desperate for him again, as ready for him as he clearly is for her. He shifts his position so he's lying on top of her and she opens to him, arching her hips up towards him, her stomach pressing into his encouragingly. But before he takes her, he twines their fingers against the pillows, feeling the engagement ring she now wears that promises they'll be together always. When her legs are wrapped around him, he touches his mouth to hers in a hot hungry kiss that's colored with a distinct edge of tenderness. Only then, to mirroring gasps, does he press inside her so that they're one, joined in every way possible.

* * *

><p>Lying in bed afterwards wrapped snugly in each other's arms and the warmth of the afterglow, Robin skims her hand over Barney's chest as he lightly strokes her back. It's a moment of such calm happiness and ease just to be able to lie here this way after all the years apart, after it seemed like they'd never find their way back together.<p>

Her fingers still tracing patterns on his skin, Robin is the first to eventually break the contented silence. "Barney, where do we go from here?"

He shifts so they're lying side by side facing each other. "Oh, I was thinking about going down here…" he answers, bending his mouth to her breast.

"I'm serious," she asserts, but she glides her hand along his arm and shoulder up to his neck, softly stroking his skin in encouragement anyway.

His tongue smooths over her one more time before he obediently stops kissing her, though he's unable to resist nuzzling across her neck before looking up at her. "Okay. Where do we go from here? We get married. That's what that rock on your finger means," he says, threading his fingers through hers, loving the feeling of the ring against his skin whenever he touches her hand. It's a reminder that this is real. She really said yes. He gets to keep her forever. "That _is_ what you want, isn't you? You haven't changed your mind?"

"No. I want to marry you. It's just…this all happened so fast. It takes a little getting used to." She wraps her right arm around his shoulder, her fingers playing in his hair, and he closes his eyes and sighs. "I spent years – literally _years_, Barney – restraining, suppressing, holding back the way I feel for you. It's just so strange to not have to do that anymore, to be able to openly want you and….and love you," she smiles, the words still new to her tongue.

"Hmm, I like the sound of that, you loving and wanting me….and you being open," Barney winks suggestively, nestling his leg between hers. She opens to him easily, allowing the intimate contact, resting her ankle on his leg, her toes teasing his calf. He's quickly getting distracted by things other than talking, but he has to know. "Is that going to be a problem for you, this new openness?"

"Probably," Robin admits. "I've never been good with emotions. I've always lived with my guard up. It was sort of a necessity with the way I grew up." He nods, nudging closer to her, but says nothing, just letting her get it all out. "Sometimes it's still hard to share myself and what I'm feeling. It's hard for me to leave myself vulnerable that way, especially when the other person means so much."

"I get that. I think I get that like no one else. But, you know, it's okay to be vulnerable with me," Barney tells her, letting go of her hand to softly cup her neck, his thumb tilting her chin up, holding her gaze on his. "Because I love you, and I would never do anything to purposefully hurt you. You know that, right?"

"I do." She leans in and kisses him, lets her mouth linger a moment on his, and it feels like he's living a glimpse of his near future. "But it's never been easy for you either. We both haven't been good at talking to each other about things. Real things."

"I know. But I'm gonna try. I promise you, I'll try."

"What are we going to do different this time, Barney?" Robin asks, and he can tell from the small crinkle between her eyebrows that the question is of real concern to her. "I don't want us to mess this up again."

"Well, I think we already _are_ different. We've learned a lot about what it means to be in a relationship and, more importantly, how to love each other in a way that's good for both of us."

"Which means loving each other selflessly."

"And putting each other's happiness first," Barney agrees. "If you're happy, I'm happy. Even if that means making sacrifices."

Other than 'I love you' that may have been the sexiest thing Robin's ever heard him say. She snuggles closer to him, pressing herself completely to him now and his hand instinctively settles at her waist to maintain this new contact. "But we have to know when to sacrifice and when not to. We were sacrificing so much for the other's happiness that we were both in love with each either and neither one of us knew it."

Barney smiles. "Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to speak up about the important stuff."

"Yes," Robin nods. "If there's an issue we _have_ to tell each other. We have to _talk_ about it, not walk out of the room, or get naked, or throw things."

"I don't know. I always liked your getting naked solution." Barney slips his hand under the sheet to drift over her bare skin. "I'm kidding," he laughs when she narrows her eyes at him. "We will have to talk," he concedes, playfully grimacing over the world 'talk'. "Because I'm _not_ messing this up. I'm not losing you again….And, I know this doesn't sound like me, but I'm thinking that'll also mean telling each other how we feel more often. Not just about the problems but how we feel about each other. I – I still can't believe you didn't know."

"I didn't. And there's something else I've always wondered about," Robin begins in a small voice that lets him instantly know this is something that's hard for her to say. "When we were breaking up, you said we cancelled each other out. That really stayed with me. Every time I thought about you and me again I just thought, I don't want to cancel him out."

Barney brushes his fingers over her hair soothingly. "I was only searching for a way to describe it, Robin. We didn't cancel each other out, not really." He contemplates it a moment. "I think we just stopped being us."

"I think we did too," she quietly agrees. "I was so afraid you didn't really love me. In the back of my mind I was always afraid you were going to cheat on me, always petrified you were going to want your old life back again. That's why I hated the strip clubs and the porn. I thought if you kept being Awesome Barney, Awesome Barney wouldn't stay with me. So I tried to make you into Boyfriend Barney – with the antiquing, and farmer's markets, and couples' brunches, and staying home and watching TV – because Boyfriend Barney felt safer, like maybe you wouldn't be so tempted. But I hated Boyfriend Barney."

"I know," he wryly concurs. "You used to yell at me all the time."

She stokes her hand over his back in apology, feeling him shiver just slightly at her touch. "I missed Awesome Barney. That was _my_ Barney. You weren't you anymore, but it was my own fault. I wanted Awesome Barney back. I wanted you to be _that_ Barney, but only for me. And I didn't think you would, or could, do that. We managed it in the summer, yes, but it seemed so much scarier once we defined things. It seemed like it was only a matter of time before Awesome Barney started sharing that awesome with every other woman in town. I didn't think I was enough to keep you."

"Robin, I _never_ would have cheated on you. I loved you then and I love you now. I was immature. I wasn't ready to handle it the way I should have. But you were – and are – more than enough to keep me. Where would I go? No woman could ever compare to you." He shrugs as if only a fool could think otherwise.

Robin skates her hands over his arms to grasp his shoulders, using the leverage to wriggle her body against his, sighing at the immediate rush of skin-on-skin and friction and pleasure, every wonderful feeling his nearness incites in her. She's felt Barney wanting her again ever since she first pressed herself to him after his 'your happiness makes me happy' comment that turned her on so before. It's a credit to how much he _has_ changed, to how seriously he is taking their relationship now, for him to even have had this conversation with her at all rather than just saying 'Or…or' and rolling on top of her again.

"Robin Scherbatsky is the best." He cocks his head to the side contemplatively. "And I should know, cause I've already had most of the rest and – "

She puts her finger over his mouth, stopping him. "That's one too many," she dryly informs him.

"No, I'm just saying, I've been with a lot of women, but none of them could ever come close to comparing to you. When you've had the best, the rest don't measure up so – "

"Just shut up and kiss me," she laughs, cutting him off.

His eyes fall down to her mouth. "Gladly." She melts into the kiss but he breaks away after only a few short moments. "I love you, Robin," he tells her. "_That's_ what I'm saying."

She smiles, her fingers pushing up into his hair. "I love you too," she imparts. Because he's right; they do need to tell each other more often. And alone together this way, it doesn't feel scary at all. It just feels good. It feels _right_. "Mmm," she breathes, just a whisper of a sigh against his lips as he leans in to kiss her again. "That's not so hard."

"Yeah, it is," Barney boasts invitingly, brushing against her intimately to prove his point.

Robin makes a little humming sound of approval in the back of her throat. "Let's do something about that," she murmurs, hooking her knee over his hip.

He glides his hand up her thigh, his fingers sinking into her behind, guiding her hips to get Little Barney where they both need him to be. "Oh, we're gonna be 'doing something' all night long," he promises as his mouth finds hers.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I wanted to be really thorough with this one so I included every incarnation of the proposal scene: what actually aired in 8.12, the slightly different still photo that has them missing the kiss, and the rehearsal footage that shows them kissing with his hands under her coat.


	37. 813

**AN**: Because of the Christmas hiatus of HIMYM a month goes by between when Barney and Robin get back together in 8.12 and when the show picks back up again in 8.13 (and I know Robin said "It's been three days since I said 'yes'" but clearly that was a continuity error because they got back together right before Christmas in an episode that aired on 12/17 and the very next episode that she makes that comment in takes place in January as stated by the characters and aired on 1/14, so it's actually been four weeks. Therefore the three days statement makes no sense and I'll be ignoring it in my story). I didn't want to skip over this time that constitutes the new beginning of their relationship so I've added it on to the front of 8.13's chapter. My hope is to make it a seamless blend from the time period we missed on the show to when it picks back up again in "Band or DJ?".

I've tried to cover anything specifically mentioned on the show as having happened during this time, like spending Christmas with Barney's family, Carly and the engagement ring, and the start of Barney's panic attacks. I've also added in some of the more meta elements, such as Barney's real life tweets "_Christmas makes me horny_" (which I give a scene to rather than actually refer to) and "_Robin and I JUST finished celebrating our engagement. Horizontally speaking_" as well as his actual Facebook status update and a canon setting for that lovely new cast picture of the gang in the booth.

**Band or DJ?**

* * *

><p><em>Never had much faith in love or miracles<br>Never wanna put my heart on the line  
>But swimming in your world is something spiritual<br>I'm born again every time you spend the night…._  
><em>Can I just stay here?<br>Spend the rest of my days here?_

* * *

><p>Slowly waking up the next morning, the first thing Robin is aware of is heat emanating from the other side of the bed that's been cold for weeks. She stirs under the covers and her hand comes into contact with a warm, hard chest – and that's when it all comes flooding back to her: finally confronting her feelings for Barney, rushing to stop him from proposing to Patrice, discovering that everything she thought she knew for the past weeks had been pretend, a ploy to win her back, because Barney <em>does<em> love her and _she's_ the one he wants to marry.

As sleep gives over to complete awareness she can now feel the engagement ring on her finger and her eyes flutter open to see that she's indeed lying next to Barney in his bed, the two of them still nude from the lovemaking that wore into the early hours before they both gave in to sheer exhaustion. She stretches and can feel the delicious ache in her muscles that testifies to their acrobatics last night and earlier this morning. Robin smiles to herself, thinking that Ted was definitely wrong when he said nothing good happens after two a.m. Shifting in the bed, she rolls closer to Barney, snuggling against him and laying her arm across his chest.

The movement causes him to stir now. Truth be told, he's been mostly awake for at least the past five minutes but he's been trying to ward off full consciousness, wanting desperately to hang on to the edge of that dream world where Robin is with him, where the play had worked, she'd said 'yes', and they just spent the past hours in bed together getting lost in each other and making up for all the time they wasted apart. But now that Barney can feel her warmth pressing against his side and her gentle touch along his chest, he opens his eyes to sees hers looking into his, deep blue and hazy with love. He smiles, wraps his arms around her, and immediately reaches for her left hand. Bringing her hand up within his line of sight, he sees the engagement ring still there on her finger and his smile grows. "Not a dream," he whispers reverently.

His voice is soft and sleepy and it makes Robin shiver. Being privy to such an intimate moment again of gently waking up beside each other, getting to experience him just seconds outside of sleep and hear all that love and relief in his tone after discovering he hadn't dreamed this up either, is an amazing feeling that she can't even begin to describe. Just warm and bright and happy. "No, not a dream," she confirms.

_It's real_. He never has to cling to dreams again. His reality is everything he ever wanted and far better than any dream could ever be. Barney's just wrapping his mind around the beauty of that when Robin buries her face in the crook of his neck, kissing him there, and he experiences an even deeper level of loveliness. "God, I've missed you." He has. He's missed her _so_ much. He missed these lazy mornings in bed together, and just being able to touch her and kiss her and hold her in his arms – and be touched and kissed and held by her.

Robin smiles. "I missed you too. And now we never have to miss each other again." Cupping her hand to his cheek she softly kisses him, loving that she has the freedom to do so now whenever she wants – which is nearly always.

Barney kisses her back, his hand slipping beneath the sheet to stroke lazily over her body, over places he was forbidden to touch just the day before but now the smooth, bare skin of her every intoxicating curve is open to him – and you'd better believe he's going to play there.

She lets out a low, throaty laugh at the way he's fondling her beneath the covers only minutes after waking up. "You're very predictable."

"I just know what I like," he informs her, all traces of sleep now gone from his voice as he presses her back against the pillows, brushing the sheets aside to kiss his way down her chest and enjoy her with his mouth now; his hands aren't the only ones who get to play.

Robin sighs and gives herself over to his kisses, to his teeth scraping over her, to the soft, wet suction of his mouth and the way it's making her blood rush and her body throb. She reaches down, burying her hands in his hair – keeping his lips pressed to her skin lest he even think about moving away – when a glint of sunlight through the open curtains catches the diamond on her ring and draws her attention. She hadn't really studied the ring the night before. Her mind was too wrapped up in its sheer existence to take in the details. She would have accepted a Cracker Jack ring from Barney but…..man, that is some rock if she does say so herself. "This is one amazing ring, Barney," she tells him, working her fingers through his hair as his mouth continues to do marvelous things to her breast, his tongue lapping over and curling around her to the point of practically being an additional ambidextrous digit. "I can't believe you bought this for me not even knowing if I'd say 'yes'."

Barney's lips pause against her skin and she glances down at him, wondering why he's stopped. "Actually, I didn't buy it," he admits, looking up at her. "I would have. I would have bought you anything to get you to agree to marry me. I would have scoured every jewelry store in the city to find you the perfect ring, _if_ I hadn't already found one."

"What do you mean?" She knows it's not the same ring he had for Quinn. She could recognize that immediately. Plus, just no. Even Barney would understand that was wrong. But why did he already have a ring?

He slides back up her body, leaning his elbow beside her so he can look her in the eyes. "This…" He touches the diamond, twisting it back and forth on her finger. "…This is a very special ring. It's a Whittaker family heirloom, passed down for generations. My dad first showed it to me when – " He cuts himself off, realizing the folly of mentioning another woman while they're lying naked in bed and she can very plainly feel his erection pressing against her thigh.

But Robin sees through Barney easily. "When you got engaged to Quinn," she finishes for him. "But you bought her a different ring."

"I didn't want her wearing the family ring. I knew….I knew it wasn't right, let's put it that way. But you should be wearing it. You were there with me when I found out who my dad was, and in way he helped bring us back together. You're _going_ to be my wife. You'll be part of my family – you already are. The Whittaker ring has a special meaning and I knew it had to be on _your_ finger."

Knowing all this makes Robin love the ring even more. She isn't bothered one bit by the fact that he hadn't dropped a small fortune on it. She's seen him spend ridiculous amounts of money on all manner of frivolous things without blinking an eye. Buying the ring for her wouldn't have been any particular gesture, but wanting her to wear his family ring _that_ means something. That signifies true love and a deep desire to make her his wife, bring her into his family, and build a lasting marriage together. "I love it. I'm proud to wear your family ring, Barney. And you know something else?" she asks, rolling on top of him.

"What?" He brushes her hair back away from her face with one hand while using the other to stoke over her body from her shoulder down, coming to a stop cupping her behind.

"Hearing you say all that makes me really _hot_ for you." And she kisses him with a fervor that fully supports her claim.

* * *

><p>Eventually they order in breakfast, because neither one wants to bother to make it, and they take it back to bed with them – an omelet for him and Belgian waffles for her with whipped cream and extra maple syrup. While they're eating the conversation drifts to "The Robin" and how he'd ever managed to pull that off for the past five weeks without anyone knowing.<p>

"I am the master," Barney proclaims.

"I was onto you at first," Robin counters. "I told everyone you were doing it for my benefit. It was when you ignored all my plays that changed my mind. I thought, 'There is no way Barney Stinson would turn down a blatant offer of sex unless he truly is in love'."

"In a way you were right; you just had the woman wrong. I wanted you for a whole lot more than just one night." He shrugs mischievously. "So I couldn't let you have a piece of this until you were ready to admit how you felt about me."

"Ugh, I still can't believe the way I acted. And that you knew what I was doing all along, predicted it even."

"Not entirely, just the 'Robin goes nuts' part of it. I thought you'd try to get my attention back on you, try to make me want you, that sort of thing. But actual plays I did not see coming. Nice," he nods in appreciation. "No, you trying so hard to have sex with me was surprising. It was much more than I expected."

She groans in embarrassment. "Dressing up, resorting to girl-on-girl, throwing myself at you that way….You must have thought I was a fool. Or just easy."

Barney laughs at that. "Nothing about you, Robin, has ever been easy. But I won't deny it felt good seeing you want me that way again, that much."

"I always wanted you that way. If you would have played your cards right," Robin impertinently informs him, "I was ready to have some _insane_ sex with you the night of Punchy's wedding

He looks at her wide-eyed. "_Really_?"

"Yes, really. Well, first I was going to tell you that I can't shake the feeling we belong together, and _then_ we were gonna have insane sex."

He shakes his head at all they've missed out on, recognizing those were the words she fed him to say to Nora instead.

"But _you_ had to take a call from someone else," she teases.

Catching on to her playful mood, Barney puts in, "When we were about to run upstairs out of the rain and have repeated we-just-survived-a-hurricane-and-by-the-way-I-still-love-you sex, _you_ were the one who had to take a call that time."

"That was from my dad," Robin counters in mock outrage, "during a natural emergency. And, by-the-way-I-still-love-you sex? Is that what we were about to do?"

"That's what _I_ wanted to do. Didn't you?" She just smirks in reply which he takes as her ladylike way of saying she would have banged him good. "Yeah, I can safely say sex is what it would have led to. We were about to kiss. When have we ever been able to stop at just kissing?"

"Never," she concedes, and they exchange a look that's so heated it makes Barney put his nearly empty plate on the nightstand in preparation for better things than food. "It's a good thing I did take that call then," she reasons. "Marshall and Lily and Ted were just down the street boogie boarding when we almost kissed. Can you imagine if we started going at it while they were right there and found us?"

While she'd clearly meant it as an embarrassment they avoided, there's something distinct in her tone that lets him know it would have been more thrilling than humiliating. She's always had a kink toward exhibitionism. The potential danger of getting caught has always done it for her.

"I honestly don't know if I could have stopped," she confesses. "Look what happened in that cab a couple months later."

"Are you kidding? You wouldn't have stopped. The three of them walking in on us would have gotten you there in a heartbeat though." She frowns but doesn't deny his allegation. "Eh, it would've been good for them. They could have learned a thing or two."

"You're an idiot," she smiles, shaking her head as she takes her last bite of waffle. "I can't believe it took a _play_ to finally get us back together."

Barney reaches over into Robin's lap, taking her plate and setting it down on the other nightstand. He put boxers on to eat breakfast but she has no clothes to wear other than his discarded shirt from the night before. "Oh admit it," he insists, pushing the collar of her shirt further open. "You love it." Swiping his finger across a bit of leftover whipped cream on her plate, he wipes it on her neck, promptly sucking it away. "You love it when I'm wild and crazy."

"I won't admit any such thing."

He starts unbuttoning her shirt. "Say it."

The backs of his fingers ghosting over her bare skin are maddeningly provocative. "I – I don't always – " Now that it's unbuttoned he opens the shirt fully, spreading the sides, and the anticipation of what he's about to do to her makes her ache in all the good places. "I – " She cuts off when he smears another dollop of whipped cream and syrup over her breast and bends to lick it away. Groaning softly at the thorough laving he's treating her to, she finally gives in. "Okay, I _love_ it. I love you when you're like that."

He looks up from what his tongue is doing. "Tell me again," he requests, and there's something less of boastfulness in his tone now and more of actual need coming from the place that thought he'd lost her forever, that feared she would always consider him and his past not quite good enough.

"I love you, Barney. You've got me. I'm absolutely yours. I always will be."

That lights a fire in him and he jumps on her with abandon, then she on him, switching their positions so she can wriggle out of the shirt, throwing it over her shoulder as he leans up to kiss her neck. They keep switching over that way, rolling like waves on the mattress, but in Barney's king-size bed they manage to avoid rolling off altogether which is an improvement over their secret nights back in her old bedroom.

Finally they find agreeable purchase with Barney on top kissing her enthusiastically – insatiably – as they make love. He pins Robin's arms down in way he can tell she likes by how eagerly she bites at his shoulder and moans his name. There's something hungry and wild about it this time that's hot enough to make her see stars, and when he finally lets go of her hands she grabs onto him fiercely, her heart racing and her fingers digging into his back as pleasure burns through her and she cries out in climax, Barney following after.

The rest of the day and night goes pretty much like that, pausing for conversation and meals before going at each other again on a repeat loop until they're both spent and eventually fall asleep.

The nest morning they mutually and very quickly decide that one full day together undisturbed is not enough, and they both call in sick to work. Robin manages to wrest herself up and into the bathroom and she's just about to ask Barney if he wants to join her in the shower when she walks in on him in a rather disconcerting scene. He's sitting on the bed outside of the covers but still entirely naked with only his laptop as covering. She _has_ to know what he's doing.

She comes to join him, still wearing nothing but his shirt – this one a t-shirt of his she found that he keeps for working out at the gym. "Please tell me you're not resorting to porn already," she teases him. "A man your age can't possibly want more sex than what we're having."

"I'm changing my Facebook status to 'Engaged to Robin Scherbatsky'," he tells her with a grin.

"Let me see." She comes close to peer over his shoulder and, indeed, he has posted that as his status, letting the whole cyber world know he's off limits.

"And, _hey_, there's nothing wrong with my age. I'm still young and virile."

The way he leers overdramatically at her is just ridiculous enough to be adorable, and he _is_ right about his age. Younger men have nothing on him in either stamina or recovery time. She has a feeling as they grow older that will be the plus side of marrying a man with a voracious libido, especially entering her dirty thirties and naughty forties. "Yes, you are," she agrees, setting the computer aside and climbing onto him. She kisses his cheeks, his forehead, his temples, and the corners of his eyes. The mood changes when she licks his ear and then can't resist fully sucking the lobe. By the time she gets to his mouth he has ideas of his own about kissing some of _her_ body parts, and they don't emerge from the bedroom and get around to that shower until over an hour later when they've both been thoroughly kissed.

After that, Robin absolutely insists they get dressed and go to her place to get her some clothes and basic toiletries. It forces them to go out into society but they _can_ restrain themselves for the length of a cab ride. Once they arrive at her apartment, however, Barney has other plans.

"We have to christen the place."

"Come again?"

"You and me." His voice drops an octave as he adds, "We need to break in your bed."

"Ahh, I see."

"And various other surfaces." Barney gets that bright, excited look on his face he always has when he's about to launch into one of his theories, schemes, or crazy stories. "The way it works with any new space is that we have to _do it_ in every room. That's the Law of Christening."

"But my apartment isn't new. I've had it all year," Robin reasons, which is usually a mistake with Barney since his rules rarely have any basis in common sense.

"Yeah, but it's new to _us_. We already christened my apartment years ago – and you and Ted's old apartment, and parts of Marshall and Lily's old apartment, and MacLaren's, and GNB and the _Come On, Get Up New York!_ studio." His forehead crinkles in thought. "We've had sex in a lot of places."

Robin nods.

"We'll have to do the new GNB building now, and Ted's place, and World Wide News too," he exclaims, increasingly thrilled at the prospects.

"Hey, we could've had that one already. I tried," Robin points out.

"Anyway, we rechristened my place over the weekend. Now it's _your_ apartment's turn."

"Alright," she gives in. It was pretty much a guarantee they'd end up having sex there anyway. "But can we at least get through the door?" she asks dropping her keys into the bowl on the kitchen counter.

"Sorry," Barney offers as he watches her lock the apartment door and hang up her coat. "It's just that it's exciting." She takes his coat from him and walks over to do the same thing. "I've wanted to do this since the very first time I came here."

"Wait," Robin says, turning to look back at him. "The first time you came to my apartment was on a double date with me and Nick after Quinn found out about us and everyone met Nick for the first time and then she insisted we four all get to know each other."

"Yeah? So?"

"_So_, you were dying to have sex with me in every room of my new apartment one week after you'd just gotten engaged to Quinn?"

"Yep," he says simply. When she gives him a look, he shrugs. "I told you I wanted you to stop me. You didn't, but that couldn't magically keep me from wanting you."

"Hm." She closes the closet door, considering that and deciding she rather likes knowing she was the object of his sexual fantasies even when he was with someone else. Try as she might, he did creep into hers during that time period too. The only difference seems to be that she'd banish such fantasies and he apparently indulged his. "Well, where do we start this christening? The bedroom?"

"It's as good a place as any," he remarks distractedly, busy admiring her all over again in that knockout dress.

"The great thing about being on my home turf is I can put on some sexy lingerie for you now. Yesterday I had to go around in just your shirt, and the night before I wasn't wearing any underwear at all."

"And you notice I wasn't complaining either day. Feel free to go commando whenever you want."

"Duly noted," Robin says, stepping closer to him. "But I know you're a fan of a nice bustier and thong."

"I like babydoll lingerie too with see-through lace – and stockings," Barney adds, his voice emotive. Women's underwear is one of his most impassioned topics.

She smiles, looping her arms around his neck. "I know you do."

"Ooh, ooh! Can you wear that same thing you had on when you stripped at my door? The trench coat too. We can totally reenact it. Only this time I'll do everything I would have done if I didn't have to turn you down." He thinks back on it, his body practically quivering with eagerness. "I wanted to rip that off you with my teeth. Mmm," he hums, imagining doing just that.

"Easy there, tiger," she laughs, dropping a kiss to his lips but pulling back before he can turn it into more. "You wait here. I'll go change."

* * *

><p>By the evening, they've ruined Robin's silk stocking but thoroughly christened her bedroom – and the kitchen too after they come out in search of dinner. Cereal was the best she could dig up on zero notice. But, shuffling up behind her, Barney was much more interested in the way Robin looked in the little babydoll nightie she'd changed into for him. Rather than dinner he had <em>her<em>, bent over the kitchen counter, but it ended in soft kisses down her spine and a spectacular orgasm so Robin didn't mind in the least that in their fervor they spilled the cereal all over the floor. They just cleaned it up afterwards and ordered Chinese.

And that's how they end up in the living room, sitting on Robin's couch with her bare legs spread over his lap while they watch TV.

Five minutes into _Letterman_, Barney screws up the courage to say, "Now that we have a minute, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"This sounds serious."

"It kind of is. Well, not really, but you might think it is. But not in comparison to 'will you marry me?'. And since you agreed to marry me – which is a _huge_ deal – then you may not think this is such a big deal after all."

"Barney," she looks at him in surprise, "just spit it out." He has a tendency to ramble and argue with himself when he gets nervous or stressed, but since he's always choosing to be awesome instead it's a condition they so rarely see him in that sometimes she forgets he can get like this.

"Okay." He takes a deep breath. "I was wondering if we could spend Christmas with my family. When I went to see my dad to get the ring I told him I was going to propose to you. He was super excited; he loves you."

Robin smiles at that, not above the girlish notion of being pleased that his family likes her. But she also can't pass up the opportunity to harass him a little. "Both of us being Canadian and all." When he playfully scowls, she retorts, "Don't frown at me, One-quarter. It's my personal theory that I have that twenty-five percent Canadian in you to thank for making you such a generous lover."

"But I'm only a generous lover with you, so I hardly think we can credit Canada," he mocks, but his hand that had been resting on her calf for the past hour takes to softly stroking the length of her leg now.

"It's just because you looove me so much then, hmm?" she teases.

"Something like that," Barney allows, smiling. "But my dad really would like you to come. And so would I. I want to spend Christmas with you, introduce you to the rest of my family, stuff ourselves eating Cheryl's turkey….and then maybe later I can stuff you," he suggests, waggling his eyebrow.

"Barney," she laughs, "I would love to come."

Now the waggling eyebrow all but hits the ceiling and he smirks, "Oh, really? Well, I can – "

"You know what I meant," she interrupts, stopping whatever sordid thing he was about to say.

"Yeah, I do," he lets it go. "It'll be good. I think we'll have fun – or, you know, as much fun as you can have at a family Christmas where everyone wears matching sweaters."

Her eyes widen in horror. "Do _we_ have to wear – "

"No," he assures her in disgust. "Seriously? Since when have you known me to suit down?"

"I haven't much known you to propose marriage either, but point taken," Robin concedes.

They slip into a several minutes of silence, both watching _Letterman_ again as Barney's fingers slowly edge over her legs from ankle to knee. "It is nice though," he eventually says.

"What is?"

"Not needing to pretend there's some major reason why you _have_ to be there. Getting to own the fact that I just want to spend time with you without making up some flimsy excuse."

"Like needing a strip club agent?"

"Or having a sudden pressing need to help me win the Murtaugh bet?" he counters, because he's not the only one who made up silly excuses to be together.

"Hey, that was to preserve the integrity of the bet. And to beat Ted. And…..so I could grind with you at a rave all night," she finally admits.

"I knew it!"

"The joke was on me. It's not like you were much fun with an injured back and an infected ear."

"I was loads of fun. You loved it."

"I did," she fesses up. "I've loved all our adventures. Now we can still have them, only we won't have to pretend we don't want to have sex with each other in the middle."

"What are you talking about? Now we can stop and actually _have_ sex with each other in the middle." He raises his hand for a high five that she already anticipated and easily meets halfway. They both grin, and then his hand goes right back to massaging up her leg.

As the night wears on those soft touches creep higher and higher, edging so close to somewhere very nice but always skirting back away at the last second. Finally, when they get up to throw away the empty Chinese food containers, Robin can't take it any longer and launches herself at him, attacking his mouth. Barney knew what he was doing, getting her all worked up for more, but he hadn't expected an immediate full-on assault. Always game, though, it quickly progresses into the two of them having sex on her table until she reminds Barney that they really should be christening the living room since the table mostly counts as the kitchen and they've already crossed that off. So he scoops her up into his arms and moves them both back onto the couch where they finish with her on his lap.

They never make it back to Barney's, spending the night in Robin's smaller bed, but since they've spent the past two tangled up in the middle of his anyway they don't much notice the difference.

In the morning they christen the last remaining room when soaping each other down in the shower leads to something much dirtier. And, before they both leave for work, Robin makes sure to grab a suitcase full of things to take back to Barney's place that's quickly becoming _their_ temporary place already.

* * *

><p>Robin spends her first morning back at WWN apologizing to Patrice. The two women had already squared things away after the unfortunate near-firing incident, but Robin feels even more terrible now that she knows it was all just an act and Patrice was actually trying to help her and Barney. But Patrice will hear nothing of it. She's over the moon to hear about Robin's engagement to Barney. Their wedding is all she wants to talk about, how excited she is for Robin and how she always knew Robin was in love with him.<p>

But that night is sure to prove a little more difficult.

Robin and Barney have been flying below the radar these past two days, living in their own little bubble. They haven't spoken to any of the gang outside of those quick texts the night of Ted's opening and their engagement, so this will be the first time explaining exactly what happened and just how they ended up engaged in the first place. While they're both hoping for their friends' excitement they're also bracing themselves for the alternative. By Barney's estimates Ted already gave his blessing, but that was before they went straight to an engagement – and neither one of them is looking forward to a lecture.

They've all decided to meet at MacLaren's, and since Mickey's busy trying to sell board games at a kiosk he rented out for Christmas and Marshall and Lily's backup sitter also bailed last minute, 'they' even includes little Marvin tonight – because MacLaren's is a restaurant, not a bar, as long as it serves food.

Barney and Robin are the last to arrive and by the time they get there Marshall and Lily are already sitting on the side of the booth closest to the bar with Marvin at Lily's side in a high chair and Ted is seated opposite them. Barney pulls up the extra chair for himself so Robin can sit in the booth….and then it's time for the interrogation.

"So _how on earth_ did you two end up engaged?" Marshall asks, cutting right to the chase.

Lily knows the answer to that – because they've both still been in love with each other for years – but what she's curious to know is, "What happened with Patrice?"

Ted is suspiciously quiet. He's had the past few days to think it over and he smells a rat in all of it. He has the sinking feeling that he was used as a pawn in this whole thing, the way Barney told him he was planning to propose but swore him to secrecy. Why tell him at all then?

"Well," Robin begins, "as it turns out – "

"It was a play," Barney announces triumphantly. "The whole thing was a play. "'The Robin' I call it."

"_What_?" Lily asks, astonished.

"Here, baby, show them the page," Barney says to Robin.

"I don't have it with me. It's still on the bedroom dresser. _Remember_, we decided it would be best not to bring it." She's too caught up in exchanging a meaningful look with Barney to notice the way Ted cringes slightly at how freely she mentioned the intimate detail of the dresser in the bedroom she's now sharing with Barney.

"_That's right_. I've got the pictures on my phone," Barney replies, hauling it out. In his overzealousness to highlight his accomplishment, he momentarily forgot they decided it would be best not to show their friends the actual page of "The Robin" but a photo, and when taking said picture they'd purposefully leave out Steps 12-15 from the shot to save Ted embarrassment. The next picture skips right to showing only Step 16 on the back. Pulling up the pictures, Barney passes his phone to Marshall.

After skimming through them, Marshall hands it over to Lily, who was already trying to see over his shoulder. Lily reads it through, dumbfounded. "So everything with Patrice, that was all a lie?"

"A cleverly acted _play_ designed to win Robin back," Barney corrects.

"Wow. I don't know whether to be impressed or disgusted," Lily marvels.

"We're going with 'impressed'," Robin puts in.

Marshall shakes his head in wonder. "Only Barney could get away with that."

"Well it worked," Barney proclaims, putting his arm around Robin and drawing her in for a kiss. "See said 'yes' and now we're getting married."

"I guess it is rather fitting – almost poetic, really – that he'd use one last play to win his wife," Marshall announces to the others, to which Lily nods and Barney taps his finger to his nose.

"Ted, you're awfully quiet," Robin says.

"Yeah," Barney seconds. "I hope you're not mad that I kinda used you to tell Robin."

"No, no. I'm happy for you," Ted lies.

"Good. Because we really are happy," Robin gushes, turning to smile lovingly at Barney. He instantly returns it, and it's painfully obvious to anyone within the bar – Ted included – that the two of them are crazy in love. "I know I used to swear I'd never get married, but….only to you," she sighs, playing with his lapels, which quickly degenerates into the two of them making out at the end of the booth.

"Alright, rein it in," Marshall gently requests. "Babies are watching – well, only ours because nobody else would have theirs at a bar."

"Restaurant," Lily insists, glaring at him. "It's a _restaurant_. And we're all happy for you," she assures Robin when she and Barney finally come up for air.

They've stopped kissing but Barney's hand is still very noticeable on Robin's upper thigh beneath the table, and now that he really looks Marshall can see that _her_ hand is high on his inner thigh too – or at least that's what he wants to tell himself she's touching. "So I take it this means we're back to needing to turn a hose on you two?"

"_Yeah_," Lily exhales, a little overly interested in the details. "I bet you guys are – "

"Boning like crazy?" Barney supplies.

"Riding him _hard_ into the sunset?" Robin adds, and then it becomes a game between them.

"Banging each other's brains out?" Barney provides.

They look at each other and the two of them fall into singing the _Bang, Bang_ song, but then another one comes to Robin. "Nailing each other _but_ _good_."

"Um…." He stops to think about it, euphemisms running short. "Crushing it steady," he eventually comes out with.

It looks like Barney is about to win when Robin blurts, "Oh, ah, licking the –"

"Okay, that's enough," Ted cuts her off. "We get the picture."

"Seriously, though," Lily says, speaking for the table, "congratulations, you guys. I've known for years now you were it for each other. It's pretty obvious."

"Mm-hmm, sure you did, Lil," Barney chortles.

"Hey, you were the one who first came to _me_ begging for my help because you were madly in love with her."

"You did?" Robin asks Barney.

"A conversation of that nature may have occurred."

"Aww," Robin coos, putting her arm around him and kissing him.

"So, yeah, you have me to thank for all of this," Lily asserts, and Robin knows what she's fishing for.

"Will you be my maid of honor?" Robin asks her.

"Of course!"

Once Barney and Robin assure her they haven't made any plans yet the conversation gradually drifts to other things, chiefly their upcoming plans for Christmas, and it's almost like a normal night at MacLaren's. Even the way Barney and Robin smile adoringly at one another isn't new. Only now they're so far gone in it that they'll periodically lose track of the conversation. Marshall and Lily just laugh. Ted tries his hardest not to look.

* * *

><p>In the week since they've gotten back together, Robin's noticed that Barney has slipped into the habit of occasionally calling her 'baby'. Pet names, beyond the way he used to call her Scherbatsky, are something new to them – something she used to claim to hate and something their own insecurities would have never allowed them to use before – but now she finds she doesn't mind. Coming from Barney, 'baby' seems way more natural than 'honey' or 'sweetheart', and she's not sure if she could stomach being anyone's 'sweetie'. She's pretty sure she'd have to shut that down immediately; it would be a definite cause for the use of flugelhorn. But 'baby' she doesn't mind, especially the way <em>he<em> says it, soft and warm and sweet but kind of sexy all at the same time. No, she doesn't mind at all when Barney sometimes calls her 'baby'. Except, she soon discovers, in one circumstance.

They're in his bed getting things going, tongues are tangled, and hands are wandering, and they're kissing passionately. Robin's on top, and he's already inside her, and they're both ready to really throw it down so she sits up to get a steady rhythm going. Flipping her hair back out of her face, she grinds down and it feels _incredible_.

Judging by Barney's enthusiastic groan, he heartily agrees. She rolls her hips against him again and he grunts. "Mmm, baby. More of that."

Rather than heeding his request it has the opposite affect and she stops altogether. "Don't….don't call me 'baby' when we're having sex." He looks up at her confused. "It doesn't feel like an endearment now," she explains. "It just feels like you forgot my name".

Barney glides his hands up from her waist, ghosting over the sides of her breasts to tuck her hair behind her ears. "Robin," he emphasizes, smiling. "I'll say your name." He cups her face completely now, his thumb stroking over her bottom lip that's already plump and sensitive from his kisses, playing with it, and he watches the fire light in her eyes. "Robin," he whispers softly, tenderly with just an edge of seduction, and he feels her inner muscles tighten around him. He smiles at her reaction, pulling her down for a kiss. As he kisses her, he flips them over so he's now on top. "Is that what you like? For me to say your name? I'll say it over and over again. Robin…. Robin…. _Robin_…." he teases, thrusting his hips in time to each utterance of her name.

And from that night forward it's established that, unless they're in the midst of a roleplaying game, they only call each other by their given names during sex.

* * *

><p>They spend Christmas Eve with Barney's mom but Robin doesn't find that nearly as intimidating as it sounds. She's been around Loretta before and James too – she even spent last Thanksgiving with James and Tom <em>and<em> Eli and Sadie, her soon to be nephew and niece. They all know and love her already, which makes it easy. Eli has a bit of a crush on her, and Sadie seems to adore her too even though Robin won't hold her. Loretta is simply happy and relieved that her advice paid off and Barney finally took a chance on love the way she never did. James seems to have seen it coming all along. It's a nice time for everyone.

But, come Christmas Day, Robin is truly nervous. Her own family life was so dysfunctional that sometimes normal scares her. The bare truth is normal is what she longs for but it _intimidates_ her. Her experiences and upbringing left her with absolutely no clue as to how to do normal – and the Whittakers are about as normal and traditional as can be. But she makes it through the first half of the day without event.

After dinner, Robin and Barney manage to find a moment alone in Jerome's office. With the door pulled three quarters closed it's the nearest to privacy they're going to have for the rest of the day. "So how are you holding up?" Barney asks, wrapping his arms around her. "I know Christmas with the almost in-laws can't be easy."

"It's not so bad," she reassures him and is surprised to find she truly means it. "Your dad's great and Cheryl's nice too. And I love the whole sibling rivalry thing you've got going with J.J.."

"That kid needs to be taken down a peg," he continues to insist. "So he's good at basketball? I've got North Korea on speed dial. Which is Dad gonna find more impressive?"

"Aww, I'm sure he loves you both," she placates him, though she's barely able to hold her laughter in check.

He easily sees through her mockery, but whatever offense he might have taken is thoroughly soothed by the accompanying kiss she gives him.

"Your sister is _not_ what I expected." No matching sweaters on that one. She came in wearing a leather vest over a skintight cami that leaves her bra straps unmistakably exposed and a denim skirt so short it barely covers her butt with nothing but fishnet black stockings and matching boots underneath.

"My dad and Cheryl seemed surprised too. Carly doesn't live at home anymore so she hasn't been around as much, just when she's on break from classes, mostly during the summer. But I gather she's gotten a lot wilder since she went away to college."

"That happens," Robin wryly observes. "But I think the real problem is she's got less of Cheryl and more of you and Crazy Jerry in her. You're gonna have to watch that girl."

Barney frowns but quickly dismisses the thought in favor of the others that have quickly overtaken him, namely taking advantage of this time alone to get a few more kisses from her. "Forget my sister," he says, stepping closer to inch her up against the wall. "Let's talk about getting more of me in _you_."

"Come on," Robin laughs. "You can do better than that."

"What? You'd deny me the chance to grope a girl in my dad's office while he's busy in the living room? It's every American boy's dream."

"Oh, is _that_ the American dream?" she asks as his mouth touches hers.

"Well, in my dream," he says between kisses, "it's at least third base." Barney's hand flits up her bare thigh to slip beneath her dress. He slides his tongue into her mouth as his fingers climb ever higher, seeking to do some entering of their own, when they're interrupted by an amused clearing of the throat.

"I wondered where you guys had gone off too," Carly says, and Barney and Robin jump apart. "Geez, Barney, you've gotta at least shut the door before going upskirt. In this house I'd recommend locking it too if you gonna try to get any action at all – including with yourself."

"I….we were…." Barney stumbles. Then, in desperation, "Is that Dad calling me?"

"Don't think so," Carly smirks. "But he _was_ looking for you earlier," she adds, eyeing Robin as she's smoothing down her dress.

Barney goes off to find Jerome, leaving the two women alone, and Robin is immediately anxious. "Listen, about what just happened there…"

"Yeah, sorry to interrupt before you were finished. I know how frustrating that can be," she says woman-to-woman. "I just love messing with Barney."

Robin nods her agreement. "He _is_ fun to mess with."

"He gets all flustered and nervous. I don't think he knows how to handle suddenly having a sister."

"He's a bit of an overprotective older brother?"

"He _tries_ to be," Carly corrects. "That's Grandma's ring, isn't it?" she asks, pointing to Robin's left hand.

"Uh, yes, I think so. Barney said it was a family ring."

"It was supposed to be mine."

The situation just grew noticeably more awkward and Robin looks around helplessly for Barney. "Oh….well, I – "

"But Dad said it should go to Barney as the oldest."

"I'm….sorry?" Robin offers uneasily.

But to her surprise Carly shrugs. "Eh, it's okay. It's a huge rock but not my style. And Dad also said it was really important to Barney that you have it."

Robin can't help but feel flattered hearing how much Barney wanted her to have his family ring for the symbol of their engagement. It means so much more to her than any jeweler's ring ever could have. "Well, I'm glad there are no hard feelings."

"Nah, Barney's cool. You're pretty cool too. Did you really land that helicopter all by yourself?"

"I did," Robin confirms. "But I can't believe Barney still keeps that footage on his phone.

"Why? It's badass. Way better than the clip of you falling off the carriage into manure."

"Yeaah, we're going to have to talk about him still showing _that_ clip."

Carly laughs. "You really love my brother, don't you?" she asks, giving her a scrutinizing look.

Robin looks over at this little wild child and detects something of true protectiveness behind the question. It seems Carly has a sensitive side too underneath it all. She reminds Robin more and more of Barney by the minute. "I really do."

"Okay then," Carly nods, heading out of the office just as Barney's coming back in.

The rest of the day goes by uneventfully and after Carly leaves to go see some friends and J.J. goes to bed, Barney and Robin end up roped into watching_ Christmas Vacation_ with Jerome and Cheryl because apparently it's Jerome's favorite movie and try as they might they can't find a way to graciously refuse.

With Jerome on Barney's other side and Cheryl in a nearby chair, Barney and Robin sit snugly on the couch together commenting on the movie as it plays, sharing popcorn and little looks whenever their fingers brush together in the bowl. When it gets to the part where the FBI bursts into the Griswold home telling them to 'Freeze!' and Ellen is stuck with her hand cupping Clark's crotch, Barney leans in to Robin and whispers, "Remember when we did that?"

She looks over at him. Their eyes meet and something hot and wanting passes between them. It was during their secret summer and it was more a classic police and criminal fantasy than anything else, but they had quite a time – and it did start this same way. "It wasn't exactly like that. _I_ was the cop."

"But you did frisk me."

"And then _you_ frisked _me_."

"Well it was only fair," he winks at her.

"No, I never understood that part. I was the cop, you were the felon. Why were you frisking me?"

"Because turnabout is fair play, and I believe in equal rights – and you looked damn sexy in that police uniform. And I don't remember you complaining."

"Oh no, I was _not_ complaining."

Barney grins and his eyes go to her mouth, but then Jerome asks him a question from his other side and they're both reminded that they're not alone.

Back at the apartment later that night they exchange private gifts, each receiving something sentimental and then something dirty – Robin gives him flavored massage oils and a crazy new lingerie outfit she models that's entirely for him since it's not even comfortable to wear, and Barney absolutely corners the market on new sex toys that Robin doesn't begin to understand but is nevertheless eager for them to try out.

And somehow before the night is over they end up slow dancing beneath the glow of the tree and the lights of the city outside. "I always liked the way we dance," Barney murmurs, his lips brushing her jaw line.

"We should dance more often," Robin agrees. She's distracted enough by his breath on her neck to almost entirely not notice the pinching her new corset causes. It does make her look insanely hot and has Barney all but drooling so it's an even tradeoff. "I always liked the way we move together," she says in obvious invitation.

"Then let's get to moving." He has the lingerie off her in two seconds flat. His hands move to her naked behind, lifting her, and her legs wrap automatically around his waist.

Kissing her but good, he carries them into the bedroom and is heading towards the bed when Robin stops him. "No. Standing up," she requests. "Against the door. And then maybe when we're in the middle of it you can drop me down a little further onto your – "

"My god, I love you," he interrupts, promptly ravaging her exactly the way she requested.

* * *

><p>"Well, Mr. Stinson, the swelling seems to have gone down," Robin remarks, turning on the pillows to look at Barney as they both lie there on the bed. It's the night before New Year's Eve and they're spending it engaging in some roleplaying.<p>

He shoots her a satisfied grin. "I've never had anyone use their tongue as measuring tape before. It's an effective method."

She smiles, proud of her prowess, but then quickly slips back into the naivety she can only assume must be at the heart of her 'character'. "I managed to suck all the poison out."

"_Yeah ya did_," Barney nods in pleased agreement.

She runs her hand over his chest, her fingers teasing his nipple as she bites her lip in concern. "You'll have to be more careful with your pet cobra. To get bitten in such a sensitive spot…."

"A shame isn't it? But how auspicious to find you in MacLaren's right in the nick of time – and that you were so very willing to help. You saved my life."

Robin lets out a throaty laugh. "I bet I did." Propping up on her elbow, she can't resist breaking character to ask, "Did this play ever actually work on anyone?"

"No, but "My Penis Is a Genie" did. Rub it and it grants wishes," he explains, to which she rolls her eyes. "Hey, brains weren't exactly the number one criteria I was looking for. I specialized in the busty dullard."

"Or women just _really_ wanted to sleep with you enough to ignore your cheesy lines and obvious lies."

"Maybe," Barney considers. "Although my plays were _genius_. But, lucky for me, I don't have to do that anymore." He leans in to kiss her….and then it's back to the roleplaying. "Now that I've recovered, Ms. Scherbatsky, how can I ever thank you?"

"Well, maybe you can help _me_ now. It's just, when I saw you naked – " Robin gets distracted, breaking character again. "And I still don't understand how you explain the need to get totally naked when it was supposed to be a localized bite."

"It helps the toxins escape out of the bare skin."

"Mm-hmm. And why was all the kissing beforehand necessary?"

"That was….trying to suck the poison out of my _mouth_. It didn't work. We had to escalate."

"And all the fondling of my boobs? How exactly did that help?"

"It helped me a lot."

She rolls her eyes again. "It's stupid."

Barney gives her a pleading look. "Just_….okay_?"

"Fine," she sighs. "_Anyway_, seeing all your hard muscles has given me this terrible ache. It's a hot, pulsing throbbing that I really need you to examine."

"Is that so?" he smirks, sitting up and pulling her with him. "And where exactly is this throbbing?"

"I couldn't say. It's someplace unmentionable," she whispers. He moves his hand up her thigh and she gasps exaggeratedly. "There it goes again. Do you think you can help me with it?"

"Oh, I know I can. Let's start by getting that dress off you."

He pushes it to her waist and she scoots up onto her knees, speeding the process. "To, ah, help the toxins escape?"

He grins at her cheekiness. "Something like that."

Barney lifts the dress up over Robin's head and arms, but as she's putting her hands back down she feels her ring slip completely off her finger. "Oh my god, _Barney_," she exclaims.

He looks up, baffled. "I didn't even touch you yet."

"No, _the ring_. My engagement ring. It fell off." She frantically searches through the sheets. "I knew it was loose but I didn't think it could come right off like that." She throws pillows onto the ground, desperately sifting through the bed linens. "I don't know what I'll do if I lost it," she cries in a panic. "It was your priceless family heirloom. It meant so much to me."

The sight of Robin in only a push-up bra and miniscule lace panties is enough to make Barney want to forget the ring altogether for now. After all, it's got to be somewhere in the bed. But it touches him to hear her say his family ring meant a lot to her, and she's so deeply upset by its disappearance that he's moved to diligently look for it too. "Here it is," he says a minute later, finding it where it landed on the edge of the mattress as they were tossing her dress over the side.

"Thank god," Robin exclaims, taking the ring from him and hugging it to her chest. "I'm so glad it happened here. If it fell off someplace else we never would have found it. I'm going to have to be more careful."

"It's alright, baby. We'll just get it resized. We'll find a good jeweler after the holidays. I know a guy."

"That means I won't be able to wear it for now," Robin points out in disappointment. It's been less than two weeks and those first few days were spent holed up at their apartments, and then the next days were over Christmas when everyone was off with their families. Almost no one's had a chance to really see it on her. Even Lily's barely seen the ring.

"It doesn't matter," Barney comforts her. "We're still engaged, ring or no ring."

"That's true."

"Now," he says, winding his arms around her again, "why don't we get back to doing something about that throbbing of yours?"

"I think it went away," Robin frowns.

"I know how to bring it back." He kisses her, starting out soft then increasing in intensity, seducing her mouth just as his hands set out to do the same to her body, his two fingers slowly slipping beneath the elastic of her underwear.

"Wait," she tells him, because she's still holding the ring and there's no way she's risking losing it in the bed again. On her hands and knees, she crawls over the length of the king-size mattress to put it down safely on her nightstand.

And what a sight that makes for Barney's eyes. The image of her mostly naked and down on all fours nearly short-circuits his brain and does a number on his already aroused body. He comes up behind her, setting his hands on her hips. "Oh yes, this will do nicely."

* * *

><p>On New Year's Eve, at Ted's insistence and for old times' sake, the five of them go to a series of parties and by midnight Barney and Robin end up kissing and a whole lot more in the ladies room of MacLaren's in what Barney proclaims is "one <em>banging<em> way to bring in the New Year".

They eventually decide to walk back to the apartment that night since Ranjit went off duty over an hour ago after he dropped the gang off at MacLaren's back at 11:30. Right now it's impossible to get a cab, and in this traffic walking would be faster anyway. They're slowly ambling down the street, under a nice buzz but not even close to drunk, when Barney stops to kiss her for no reason at all other than how beautiful she looks beneath the streetlights.

It's then that Robin tells him she loves him for the first time unprovoked. He didn't say it first, they weren't having sex, and they weren't talking about their relationship or feelings. It just bubbled out of her completely in the moment because that's exactly what she was experiencing, an overwhelming burst of love for him. But afterwards she can't quite meet his eye, afraid he's going to tease her for her uncharacteristic spurt of emotion outside Sal's Deli of all places.

Instead, Barney puts his hand under her chin and gently brings her gaze back up to his. "Don't look away," he says softly. "You can tell me you love me. You don't have to be embarrassed. Do you know how many times I imagined you saying that? You don't ever have to worry about what I'm thinking. I want to hear it _every_ time….Tell me," he asks.

Robin smiles at him, her eyes never leaving his. "I love you."

He pulls her in close, grinning blissfully. "Tell me anytime you want. Whenever you feel it."

"That's impossible. I'd have to tell you constantly," she counters affectionately.

He sighs, hugger her tighter and pressing a kiss into her hair. "I love you too, Robin."

And once they're over that first hurdle they both find it so much easier to keep saying it in the moment. They'll never be Teds. They'll never be Marshall and Lily, with their cutesy nicknames and night-night songs. But when they're alone and it's just the two of them – in the back of the car as Ranjit is driving them home, lying in bed after they just made love, or sitting in their booth at MacLaren's while Ted's gone up to get them another round – they can tell each other then in a way they never could before and it feels like that was the one thing missing from their relationship all along.

* * *

><p>Now that it's officially 2013, Robin decides it's time to broach the topic of their wedding with Barney. Ted had asked her a few things on New Year's Eve – like what kind of wedding she wanted, where it was going to be, and <em>when<em> – that she had absolutely no answers for. That's what made her realize that she and Barney really ought to start discussing at least the basic details of what they want their wedding to be. So over breakfast she asks him, "Do you want to get married soon?"

Barney looks up from his newspaper. "Like….today?" He knows that's not what she meant but loves teasing her all the same. "Because my schedule's pretty full at work today, but I think I can move some stuff around this weekend."

"Very big of you," she laughs as she stirs a spoonful of creamer into her coffee. "But I'm being serious. What are you thinking here, a long engagement or something sooner?"

"Well," he says, giving it some serious thought the way she asked him too, "I think as soon as possible would be good, don't you? I mean it took us this long to get back together; I don't want to waste any more time. I want to get you locked down as my wife before you change your mind."

Robin smiles at him. "I'm not gonna change my mind. But I agree with you. I don't want a long engagement either. I don't really see the point."

"Okay, so we both want a short engagement. I know something else you want. I know you better than you think I do."

"Oh yeah? How's that?"

"I happen to know – nay, I have _long_ known – that as much as you protest against weddings you, Robin Scherbatsky, are a sucker for a big traditional wedding. Remember on that second Slapsgiving," he shudders at the memory of Marshall's behemoth hand coming toward his face, "how I taunted you about wanting a white dress and a little church and an eager groom waiting at the end of the aisle? I knew that would get a reaction because I knew deep down that's what you really wanted. And that's what _I_ wanted with you too, more than I was able to admit at the time."

She can't keep the excited grin from spreading out across her face. "So we're really doing this? A big church wedding?"

Barney reaches across the table and takes her hand. "Robin, we're getting married. A union of two streams of awesome such as ours requires it to be the most _legendary_ wedding that ever existed. A wedding of truly epic proportions."

"Oh, well, as long as we're keeping expectations reasonable."

He laughs, his excitement building by the second too. "How long will it take to whip together something big and traditional and legendary like that?"

"For most brides it's about a year, but with Lily's ferocious planning I think we can cut that in half."

"Alright, the spring then. Just in time for bringing out my lightweight suits," he enthuses, whipping out his iPhone and its calendar app. "How about June first? We'll take it traditional all the way."

"Okay," Robin nods, smiling from ear to ear. She leans across the table, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "Barney, do you realize we just set our wedding date?"

Barney's eyebrow quirks. His mind had only been thinking of logistics and making it official as soon as possible. He hadn't really considered it as anything huge and monumental and irreversibly life-changing until she just pointed that out. He takes in a shallow breath. "Yeah. We did, didn't we?"

* * *

><p>That weekend, the first Saturday in January, Ted volunteers to come over and help them. He's throwing himself into the planning of their wedding perhaps a bit too vigorously, but considering their past circumstances neither Robin nor Barney has the heart to tell him to back off. And he could come in useful too, for handling all the tedious details they don't have the patience to see to. This way they get to decide what they want and let Ted handle all the dirty work.<p>

He arrives at the apartment armed with a binder bigger than Barney's briefcase, the secret work one filled with lord only knows what that he has stashed under the bed and thinks Robin doesn't know about and for the safety of the nation she pretends not to. Once the initial shock of hearing that Barney and Robin of all people – when she _swore_ she was against it – want a traditional church wedding rather than flying to Vegas or something, Ted suggests the little church Victoria almost got married in. Sure, that day was an absolute disaster, but the church was quaint and elegant and inarguably a picturesque setting for a wedding – and he promises himself that thoughts of stealing yet another bride away from the altar are the furthest thing from his mind.

They end up making an appointment and Ted drives them over to see it the next day. As off-putting as it originally sounded to have their wedding at the site of Victoria's failed one, both Barney and Robin have to admit it's perfect, exactly what she used to dream of as a little girl before the notion of such feminine things was forced out of her mind by her dad.

The only trouble is the church is already booked on June first – and in fact completely booked for the entire month of June. "But we do have the Saturday before that available," the church's event coordinator tells them. "The 25th of May."

Barney looks to Robin. "What do you think? I know you had your heart set on a June wedding."

"How do you know that?" she asks him in surprise.

"Because whenever you talk about any wedding, even pretend ones, you always put it in June. I could tell it was subconscious for what _you_ really want. So, if you absolutely want June, we'll find someplace else."

Robin puts her hand around his tie, pulling him in for a gentle kiss. "I can't believe you noticed that." Barney merely shrugs, as if discerning every minute detail about her is something unremarkable. "June was just an imaginary thing. You know, brides in June? But who needs imaginary when _this_ is my reality. And it's just one week. What difference does it really make? This place is perfect."

"Alright, then it's settled," he smiles, putting an arm around her waist. "We're getting married here."

After that everything moves quickly, a checklist of dates and deposits and wedding prerequisites to nail down. Ted spends the whole ride home discussing with Robin her ideas for bridesmaids' dresses and everything else besides, but Barney is largely quiet.

When it's just the two of them in the apartment that night, Robin finds him alone in the bedroom in the throes of what will be his first panic attack of many. "What's wrong?" she asks, coming to sit beside him on the bed.

"I don't know. It's just everything, so much and so fast and so legal and binding and – _oh my god, I can't do this! I can't breathe! I'm freaking out!_"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down. This is about the wedding," Robin realizes with a slight sinking feeling coming on that she's trying to hold at bay. "Do you.…do you not want to get married, Barney?" She's terrified to know the answer.

"No, that's not it," he promises, taking her hands in his. "I _do_ want to marry you, Robin. I'm _sure_ of that. I love you and I want to marry you. Those are about the only things I'm sure of," he tells her, his breath still coming in panicked gasps.

"Well then what's the matter?" But she can answer her own question before he even has the chance to. "It's because we started making concrete plans." She knows _him_ better than he thinks too – and she can relate to the anxiety impulses. She's experienced a few herself but is clearly holding up far better than he is.

He blows out a heavy breath, almost afraid to tell her, not wanting to upset her this way. But they swore it was important to the relationship to talk about the major things, and panic attacks are certainly one of them. "When we set a date and booked the church and started talking about caterers and wedding cakes and bridal gowns, it just hit me: this is _real_. We're really getting married – _in less than six months_. And it's not that that isn't what I want, it's just…."

"Scary," she finishes for him, rubbing his leg soothingly. "I know. Getting married, for us, that's _huge_. It is definitely scary. But it's one of those things that's a _good_ kind of scary, like when I first moved to New York, or when I took the job at World Wide News, or the very first time I let myself kiss you. It's the kind of scary that goes along with that best kind of risk, the best kind of jump into the unknown, like when we leapt across those rooftops."

"I leapt there to get to _you_. I _want_ to marry you. I want this to be the good kind of scary but….I just don't want to mess it up," he finally admits, his voice so raw and quiet Robin has to strain to hear him. "I have no idea how to be a husband other than from watching Marshall – and, honestly, I'm not sure I can ever be that kind of husband. I just don't want to let you down, Robin. I don't want to ruin this."

"You're not going to let me down, Barney. Do you think _I_ know how to be a _wife_?" Robin emphasizes, because they're both walking into uncharted territory here. "For most of my life I was allergic to the word. But when I was standing up on the roof of the World Wide News building, the one thing I knew with absolute certainty – no doubts or fears whatsoever – is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. _That's_ what marriage is. That's why I could say 'yes' and it wasn't terrifying. Because what I was saying 'yes' to is a lifetime with you, and I _know_ that's what I want. The rest of it – 'husband' and 'wife' – those are just titles. They don't change who we are. It just means we get to keep being together, exactly like we are now." She puts her hand to his face and burrows her fingers up to softly stroke through his hair in the way he confided he loves tremendously. "I don't want to mess this up either, but we've managed the first three weeks alright. What's sixty more years?"

He smiles at her, already calmed by her soothing words and loving touches. "You're right. I know you are. And that's how I feel too underneath all this…mess. But I'm Barney Stinson. I don't have to tell you what that means. I've spent the past fourteen years thinking I'd never get married, I'd never face anything more serious than sneaking out of my latest conquest's bed. And, no, that didn't make me happy and it's _not_ what I want, but I knew my way around that like the back of my hand. This," he says, reaching for her, "how to build a marriage and a life together, I'm still figuring out."

"We _both_ are. And that's okay."

"I just don't ever want us to get divorced. I'm going into this with the incontrovertible view that it's forever. I've never done that before, but I mean it wholeheartedly now. This is you and me, forever. That's what makes it so final and so _dauntingly_ important. But I can do daunting," he assures her. "And I can do important. I _want_ to do it all with you."

With that said, however, he still knows it's not going to cure him overnight. He one thousand percent wanted to marry her before this conversation and it still didn't stop his panic attack from coming now.

When he was seventeen, he told his mom he wasn't brave enough to ask a girl to the senior prom. She told him that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's doing something even when you're afraid; she'd read it on a tea bag. So he asked Lisa to the prom and she said 'yes'. Turns out she was just trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous and he never even got to first base, but the point still stands. Sometimes you want something badly enough that you reach for it in spite of your fear. But that still doesn't stop it from _being_ scary, nor can it change your biological reaction to that fear. Right before he asked Lisa, he had to go behind the bleachers and threw up into his magic case.

"But I can pretty much guarantee you that I'm going to keep freaking out like this. At least for a little while." He's reluctant to hurt her feelings by exposing her to the reactions he knows he's going to have, so he has to tell her, "I can do that in private, in secret, and you never have to know. Or I can tell you and let you see. But the most important thing is for you to realize that my freaking out has nothing to do with not wanting to marry you. It's just a fight or flight impulse I'm going to have to wrestle with for a while."

"Okay," Robin agrees. "I can understand that." And she can. She's lived these exact same panic attacks about their relationship. They are the thing that kept her from him for the past three years. "But don't do it in secret. Let me know, and we'll get through it together."

They seal the deal with a kiss, and he makes good on his promise. Every day he has a panic attack, but every time he does it in front of her, lets her see it and know it all. Sometimes she talks him through it; sometimes she just lets it run its course. But it changes nothing afterwards and they just go on like normal.

Come Wednesday, Barney has his panic attack fairly early in the morning after Ted texts Robin at 7 a.m. to say he's found the perfect DJ for the wedding and he's willing to shell out the down payment himself if she'll just agree because he already has the prefect 'first dance' song in mind. Very real discussions of music selection and the first dance as husband and wife send Barney into a panic, but he comes out of it in under a minute this time. He apologizes to Robin – who makes him swear it's the last time he'll say he's sorry about this – and then promptly tells her to text Ted back that they've already decided on a band and he knows it.

After work and then dinner with the gang at Ted's place, Barney and Robin head back home and share a bath together he prepared with candlelight and scented bath oil, his way to thank her for putting up with him over the past week since she won't let him apologize for it anymore. And a little romance feels good to him too, though he'd never admit it to anyone else but her.

With both of them warm, pleasantly nude, and surrounded by bubbles, Robin leans back against Barney, resting her head on his shoulder, and it's the height of relaxation. She reaches back for his arms, wrapping them snugly around her waist, and while they enjoy the quiet music and candlelight and soft touches beneath the suds, they nail down the color scheme for their wedding – cream and lilac is their shared choice – and the location of the reception – they both agree it will be perfectly legendary in a beautiful white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. And that way they won't have far to go to get back to the bridal suite to start rocking their wedding night _hard_.

With that judiciously decided, and with absolutely zero panicking on his part, they lapse into a contented silence broken only by the first notes of Bruno Mars "Gorilla", part of Barney's Sexy Mix he has on shuffle. When it gets to the third line – _You got your legs up in the sky with the devil in your eyes_ – his hand creeps noticeably higher up her thigh, the other heading toward her breast. "One of us could go scuba diving," he suggests silkily.

"Is that a hint for me?"

"I'll never turn down the offer, but I was actually talking about me," he says, setting his mouth to her shoulder and kissing his way up her neck. "Or maybe I could just pet the kitty." He starts touching her intimately beneath the water. "Make the kitty purr."

Robin melts against him. "You always make the kitty purr. To the point of distraction. I can't get anything done at work for wishing you were there to pet the kitty."

"That's because we never made good on your "Damsel in Distress" play." His teeth scrape across her neck as he continues to work her over with expert fingers. "You were supposed to 'repay' me in your office. That image is still stuck in your mind."

"Stop by sometime next week and we'll knock it out." She smiles at her double entendre.

He stills his motions for a moment. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," she confirms. "We'll christen my office. There are about four surfaces we can use just off the top of my head."

"_Awesome_," he nods lecherously. "But let's get kitty purring right now too."

Robin sighs. "She already is." A soft sound of pleasure escapes her at his stepped up efforts. "Confidentially, my kitty loves you."

Barney chuckles. "The feeling is definitely mutual."

She pushes up on her knees and turns around to straddle him. "Does Little Barney want to stroke the kitty?"

"Always."

"Because she's more than ready for him."

He guides her down onto him, his fingers plunging deeper under the water. "Let's really get her going," he says thickly. "Stroke the kitty inside and out."

"She _adores_ Little Barney." Robin moans; she can't hold it in. "Why did we ever stop doing this?" she asks, her voice breathless and thready. "They should have been together years ago…."

Barney groans at the motion of her very skilled hips. "But now they can be together for life."

"A match…." she pants, her words growing increasingly stilted. "….made in…._heaven_."

His voice low and deep and coated with lust, he whispers, "I'll show you heaven."

And he makes good on his promise twice before they get out of the tub.

* * *

><p>Over coffee Friday morning, Robin can't resist commenting on the decrease of Barney's panic attack. He hasn't had one in over forty-eight and the last one he did have was under a minute. She comes to sit beside him on the couch, rubbing his leg. "Your panic attacks are getting shorter and further apart," she congratulates him.<p>

Predictably, mentioning them at all sends Barney into his first attack in days, but it comes and goes literally in a matter of seconds before he's back to smiling over at her and laughing happily.

Now that things are officially official, wedding plans and all, Robin decides it's time to tell her parents. Or at least her mom. She assumes her dad will already know about the proposal because Barney would have contacted him ahead of time, but she can at least tell her dad when the wedding is. "You did call him and got his permission, right?"

Barney bursts out laughing at the absurdity of the notion. "Yeah, Robin, I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East." The idea of asking Robin's dad for her like she's some kind of property passed from male to male is such an antiquated notion it's ridiculous to him, but now that he's onto this fantasy it takes ahold of his mind. The image of a scantily clad Robin arriving via a horse drawn caravan at his remote desert camp.

Robin tries to interrupt but Barney insists he's not finished. In truth, he's not ready to deal with the discussion that will inevitably follow because while asking for her father's permission is amusingly old-fashioned to him, _she_ obviously expected him to have done it. So he opts to let his mind go instead, indulging in this fantasy for a while…..

He'd be the most debonair of all sheiks – suave, magnetic, an absolute lady killer – and she would be his queen. After arriving, the servants would bathe her in perfumes and oils. He stares off, absolutely lost in the image of naked Robin getting all soaped down and made soft and warm and ready for him. Then they deliver her to his tent, where _he_ is certainly ready for her. All night long, left alone with an innocent but willing Robin….and she's wearing some kind of sexy belly-baring genie outfit, the kind where the pants are wispy and clear and you can see right through to her underwear – ooh, and maybe even some slits in the side where her bare leg can peek-a-boo out as she moves.

Robin is amused by Barney's highly descriptive story and no doubt the pornographic images that accompany it in his mind, particularly the part about her performing the Dance of the Seven Veils for him, but she recognizes this aside for what it is: a stall tactic. When he's still going on about the two of them adjourning to the tiger skin rug, she has to stop him again.

"Robin, if we're gonna build a marriage together we've got to stop interrupting each other all the time," Barney protests good-naturedly. Primarily he's just buying time. She's not going to be happy to learn he never asked her father, and he knows it.

She sighs, pursing her lips and agreeing to humor him all the way to the end of his story. After he finally finishes with the fact that they'll have sex, a given from the very beginning, she gets her chance to pin him down. "Did you ask for my father's permission?"

"No, I did not," he sulks, bracing himself for the yelling.

"Barney."

"Well, who knew that was a thing? This isn't 1950, Robin."

"My dad is an old-fashioned guy. He'd flip out if he knew I was already engaged without you asking for his permission first. We have to fix this right away."

He's not above a little groveling to the man if it pleases Robin. And obviously he'd like to make a good impression on her family, but asking for her hand is a little much when he doesn't even know the guy. "What do you suggest I do? Just call him up out of the blue and say, 'My name's Barney. We've never met but I desperately want to marry your daughter. And considering what we did last night I really think you should let me'?

Her mouth quirks into a sidewise smile. "Very funny. _I'll_ call him first and smooth things over, tell him all about you, and then maybe we can fly to Canada this weekend and go see him together."

"_Canada_?" Barney reviles in disgust. She levels him with one look. "Okay, I'll do it."

Robin gets up a few minutes later and goes into the bedroom to call her dad. They haven't spoken since the helicopter incident so they have initial, very formal reintroductions to make. After that she tells him all about Barney, how she's known him for almost eight years, what an amazing guy he is – hyping up all the things she knows her dad will love about him, like his success in the business world, his status as a cigar and scotch aficionado, his sophistication, class and good looks – and most of all: "I'm really in love with him, Dad. And he wants to meet you."

It's when she's trying to arrange travel plans to Canada that Robin learns to her utter shock that her dad actually moved away eight months ago – to New York of all places. He's been living right here in the city all this time and he never so much as called her, let alone came to see her. That knowledge hurts. It's a slap in the face is what it is. It proves how little she must mean to him, what a low priority she is that he hasn't even bothered to let her know. She has half a mind to hang up on him and never give him a second thought, but like always she swallows her anger, pain, and resentment and simply arranges a lunch meeting for that afternoon. At least this will save Barney the trouble of setting foot in Canada.

* * *

><p>Five hours later, Barney is amusing himself mocking the décor and menu and generally everything about the restaurant her dad picked but Robin's too busy worrying over what's about to transpire to find any of it humorous. He's heard plenty about her dad, but at the moment it doesn't seem to be sinking in with Barney exactly what scrutiny he's about to face. But he assures her with his usual bravado that he can easily handle her dad….Until the man himself comes walking in and Barney's hit with a full-on taste of the kind of intimidation she grew up with. Things go from scary to strange when, rather than his customary handshake of greeting, her father actually wants to hug her. It's so awkward and unnatural trying to hug her dad – something they've <em>never<em> done – that she can barely pull it off.

Barney notices Robin's clear discomfort and when they sit back down again he pulls his chair even closer to hers, hoping his physical nearness can offer moral support. She's worried about _him_ but all he can think about are the stories she's told him over the years of the near abuse she lived through as a young girl at the hands of this man. If he weren't still so inexplicably important to Robin – and if Barney wasn't so terrified of the guy – he'd feel like decking him at first sight.

When her dad takes off his coat and he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt underneath, and then proclaims Pizzazzy's his favorite restaurant and asserts that he comes here "all the time" _with Carol_, Robin can barely string words together at the bizarreness of it all. But she finally manages to question him on just who exactly Carol is.

As they're waiting to hear the answer, Barney's face clouds with concern and he glances over at Robin. He has a feeling where this is going and she's not going to like it at all.

Carol, it turns out, is her dad's girlfriend who's responsible for all these changes and his apparent new attempts at warmth and humanity that _she_ could never engender in him. And with that Robin's had about all she can take. "Okay, what the hell happened to you?"

"Robin, I know in the past I have been emotionally distant."

She scratches her neck agitatedly, trying to control her anger. That's the understatement of the century.

Barney looks to Robin warily. Pushing her out of a helicopter to defend herself against wolfs in the wilds of Canada is way more than 'emotionally distant'. He knows that's what Robin must be thinking too, and he winces internally when the guys adds insult to injury by pointing out how much this girlfriend of his has brought out a new side of him the bastard should have been showing his _daughter_ years ago.

Robin simply hopes to forget this talk about Carol and how her father is a supposedly changed man who's "fun" now. She isn't ready to deal with that yet, but at least they can get down to the heart of the matter and square away things between him and Barney so they can be openly engaged again.

She gives Barney a meaningful look that he easily picks up on. It's show time. But he's got to admit he's a mass of nerves. "Sir, hi." He raises his hand gawkily, immediately admonishes himself for how stupid he must look, and then drags his hand back down. "My name is Barney Stinson."

Robin smiles encouragingly, facing her dad too and presenting a united front, but her dad cuts Barney off at the pass. "_This_ is Barney?" he asks her in dismay. From there he rallies on against the fact that Barney is blond and "grown men are not blond".

Robin feels the insult against Barney and is as equally embarrassed for him as she is annoyed at her dad for ridiculing him at all. She rolls her eyes self-consciously, admonishing him, "_Dad_."

He at least tries at civility after that. They order and when their meal is mostly finished Robin turns to look at Barney again, having a silent conversation where she tells him now is the time to ask her dad. Despite the tension of the situation, Barney laughs easily at Robin's jokes as she excuses herself to the restroom. The woman is adorable and it still boggles his mind why her dad can't or won't see that.

Once they're left alone Barney tries, he really does, but all the smooth charm that usually coaxes to his will the corporate CEOs, felons, and dictators he deals with on a regular basis fails him in the presence of Robin's dad and he gets shot down before he can even get the words out.

When Robin comes back from the bathroom she can tell from the thick tension at the table that things did not go well.

They leave soon thereafter and on the cab ride back to WWN Barney confirms that her father refused his permission. "But I'm gonna take care of this. I'll call him up tomorrow and we'll have another lunch meeting, just the two of us. I promise you I'll win him over."

Robin tries to give him the benefit of the doubt. Barney is a charming guy. It's impossible for him not to work his way beneath your resistances – she knows firsthand the truth of that. But _he_ doesn't realize how hard it is to win her father's approval. She's been trying unsuccessfully for the past thirty-two years.

* * *

><p>At MacLaren's after work, Robin is particularly down. She's not feeling well and fears she's coming down with a cold. She first felt it this morning and it's gotten worse by the hour. The stress isn't helping now that she's got this mess with her dad to deal with. Along with that, Lily and Ted are now fighting over who gets to plan her wedding. And <em>she<em> actually wants to do most of it, at least the fun parts, herself. It's mildly creepy how Ted keeps referring to everything to do with the wedding as 'we' – '_We're_ going to have this' and '_We're_ going to have that' – when the only 'we' is her and Barney, but she doesn't have the heart or the energy right now to make that distinction clear to him. And to top it all off now she's got Marshall making comments about placing bets on how long it will take Barney to skip town. She knows he's just joking, but it's in very poor taste and she's really not in the mood. She assures him Barney is _not_ planning to run out on her and is instead in the midst of regaling them with the tale of just exactly why she's not in a good mood right now – telling them all about their troubles with her father – when Barney comes in.

He was supposed to meet Robin here for drinks and to decide where to go for dinner, but he's pleased to see them all. He just spent the afternoon blowing off work and searching the internet for potential wedding bands instead. For the first time wedding planning doesn't make him the least bit nervous. Thinking about dancing with Robin at their reception is a pleasant distraction from the fact that her dad hates him and thinks he isn't good enough to marry her at all. "Oh, great, you're all here. Let's talk about our wedding band."

Robin is very glad to see him again. It makes her feel better already, both the cold she's fighting off and about this engagement situation with her dad. Barney's busy going on with such excitement about their wedding band and she's pleased about that, but she needs at least a little attention from him to soothe her. Reaching under the table she strokes his inner thigh; she knows from experience that's a surefire way to get his focus on her.

"How much do you guys think they should rock? Because I vote _a million_." He feels Robin's hand smoothing its way up his thigh and his eyes darken, going immediately to hers as he leans in and gives her a quick kiss to the cheek.

Robin's smile widens and she rubs his leg a few more times, letting the love wash over her as she just gazes at him and forgets the turmoil of her day. But, sadly, it doesn't last long. Barney wants to know the name of the band Marshall and Lily were originally going to use for their wedding –it isn't a bad idea; those guys were great. They all got to hear them when they crashed the prom that Barney took them to – but Lily uses this as her coup attempt in the war with Ted and rushes to assume the role of head wedding planner. Meanwhile, Ted is _still_ arguing in favor of the DJ, and Barney stops them all cold, asking her, "What do you think, baby?" And all the tension comes flooding back because until they change her dad's mind there may not _be_ a wedding. She's never openly defied her father in her life, and now he's standing in the way of her biggest dream.

Hearing Robin so sadly tell the gang she doesn't know what they're going to do makes Barney's bravado take over again and he reassures her that he's "got this". He can't let her down this way. He _will_ win her dad over. "I know how to be persuasive."

And he proves it later that night when he convinces her to eat chicken soup and drink a pot of green tea and manages to hustles her into bed just after nine because he can see she's a bit under the weather and soup, tea, and plenty of sleep is his surefire remedy to knock out a cold.

"Aren't you coming to bed too?" she asks drowsily.

"It's barely nine-fifteen," he scoffs. "That's way too early to go to sleep."

"I wasn't talking about sleep."

"Mm, is that so?" he sighs with interest, lying down beside her on the bed. But, truthfully, she looks way too tired for any sexual escapades. "Are you sure you're feeling up to it?"

"Oh yeah," she insists. "I could use the stress relief."

He's just planning to fool around a little, make sure to get _her_ off so she'll sleep soundly, but she closes her eyes at his first kiss and conks out before he can even get his hand underneath her nightgown.

The next morning Barney can tell Robin's still a little off but she seems to be feeling much better. He can't say the same about this situation with her dad. It's weighing on her mind and he _has_ to fix this. If his hair color is her father's only objection that can be easily solved. Before meeting him for lunch, Barney stops in for an emergency appointment with his hairstylist – because B-man don't trust his looks to anyone but the best – and shows up at Pizzazzy's newly brunette.

But even that isn't enough to satisfy the man, and by the time he starts talking about slaughtering bears Barney is getting seriously concerned. But he'll do whatever it takes to marry Robin. That's not even a question. Yet, once they end up at a pet shop and Mr. Scherbatsky picks out a pretty white rabbit for the sole purpose of later killing, Barney knows things have gotten out of hand. He'd do anything for Robin. But, staring into Mr. Fluffernutter's eyes as he points the barrel of her dad's gun at the poor little guy, he knows he can't murder this innocent creature in cold blood. He just doesn't have it in him.

Unlocking the door to the apartment and stepping inside, Robin is horrified at what she sees. She's already been to Marshall and Lily's place for lunch and then on to the jeweler's after that to drop off her engagement ring for resizing since Barney finally found a place they both trust to preserve the original integrity of the ring. On the cab ride back here she made the mistake of accepting her dad's friend request and that's when she disturbingly discovered that Carol is not his girlfriend but his _wife_. Her dad not only moved to New York without telling her, he also got married without inviting her to the wedding or even giving her so much as a heads up after the fact.

Needless to say she's hurt and angry about that. All she wanted to do was have a relaxing evening with Barney, but what she's gotten instead is another appalling scene no doubt at the hands of her dad. There's a white rabbit on the coffee table and Barney is cowering against the breakfast bar, her father's pistol in his hand. "What the hell is this?"

Barney looks up to Robin with desperate, tortured eyes. "Your dad is crazy," he cries, scooping up the bunny and holding it protectively to his chest. "He wanted me to kill Fluffernutter."

"I told you not to give him a name!" her dad roars, and Robin is instantly transported back….

**Flashback**

Eight year-old Robin continues to insist to her dad that hunting is not for her. "I don't wanna shoot a deer," she implores through her missing front teeth.

"Nonsense, R.J. Shooting a deer is the noblest of pursuits."

"But they're _cute_," she pleads.

"You said the same thing about our rabbits. Remember how delicious they were?"

**Flashback**

Delicious is far from the word she'd use. She was still seven back then when, refusing to watch her pet rabbits being killed, she ran out of their barn screaming at the first gunshot while her father called after her all the while that it was her own fault for humanizing them by giving them all names. When she sat down to dinner that night she was devastated to learn her pets were their meal. She refused her supper, swore she wasn't hungry. But, with tears streaming down her face, her dad forced her to eat every last bite of her bowl of rabbit stew. All alone in her bathroom she threw up five minutes later.

There's no way she's going to allow her dad to traumatize Barney the same way he did her. In fact, she's not going to let him say anything at all. His power in her life ends now. If he couldn't even have the care to tell her he got married himself then what right does he have to dictate who _she_ marries? Why are they even asking him for permission at all? Screw his permission.

For the first time in her life she calls him out on his crap, and he admits to indeed being married. "Okay, you know what, Dad? Since you obviously have no interest in involving me in your personal life, I may as well tell you. Barney and I are already engaged."

Barney feels a surge of love and pride hearing Robin finally stand up to her father. "That's right." He gets up to come to her side. He knows this is hard for her, but he completely backs her up in her long overdue decision not just to stand firm on their wedding plans but to finally stick up for herself to her dad. What she's doing is magnificent. "I'm behind you on this, Robin."

Having Barney beside her, looking into her eyes and swearing he's with her, solidifies Robin's confidence. It feels amazing to have someone supporting her for once rather than tearing her down. "This is happening. And since I wasn't invited to your wedding, you're not invited to mine. Goodbye," she tells him, walking out the door.

Standing in the hallway she can feel the adrenaline pumping through her veins. It felt so good just to finally stand up to him that way.

She takes solace at her office for the rest of the afternoon, trying unsuccessfully to throw herself into work – until she gets a call from Barney. But, honestly, she was expecting it an hour ago and is surprised it took him this long. "Hey," she answers.

"How are you holding up?"

His voice is gentle and concerned and it makes her anger melt away, leaving nothing but her hurt, raw and exposed. "I'm fine. Nothing I'm not used to, right? But I've finally had enough. My dad doesn't get to dictate whether or not we get married."

"I agree with that. But come on, Robin. I know you. This isn't what you want," he nudges her softly. "Your dad's still here with me now. He wants to make things right. He'd like you to meet him at Pizzazzy's again for dinner and talk this out. Don't you want to at least try?"

There's silence for a full thirty seconds, but Robin knows that Barney is right. Leaving things like this wouldn't sit well with her. It's been eating her up all afternoon as it is. "Fine. I'll meet him."

"Great, I'll let him know. I'll be there too, okay?" he vows. "You're not alone in this."

Though he can't see her, she nods. "Okay," she says, her tone heavy with affection and thanks he picks up on even through the phone. "Six o'clock?"

"I'll let him know."

* * *

><p>At twenty after six, Robin's at Pizzazzy's still waiting for them. She's picking at the food she went ahead and ordered alone when Barney walks in, late by finally there. Her dad is with him too and she figures he probably had a time dragging him there.<p>

"Your dad has something to say," Barney informs her and then comes to stand by her side, supporting her once again.

And her dad certainly does – just _what_ he has to say to her leaves Robin speechless. How Barney managed to wrangle an apology out of her dad – "I'm sorry", two words she's _never_ heard him say before – is beyond her, but it's no small feat and she's positively blown away. But before she can reflect on it much or make her own amends – because, although she has every right in the world to hate him, she still doesn't truly want to cut him out of her life – he tells her that he's now divorcing his new wife on her account.

"_What_?" Barney asks, aghast. Here he was trying to fix this for Robin and he's only made it worse. But this _wasn't_ his fault. He had no clue her dad was going to do something so ridiculously insane, and he urgently needs Robin to know this wasn't _his_ idea. "I did _not_ tell him to – "

"But if that's the price for my daughter's love then I will gladly let Carol pay it."

Robin closes her eyes, sighing heavily. So typical of her dad, still shirking responsibility for his own actions, still making the ones he loves pay for _his_ mistakes. But he's her dad, and for about the only time ever he just admitted that he wants her love. What _she_ wants is for him to just be a normal dad, just a taste of that traditional normalcy she felt when spending Christmas with Barney's father. And she tells him just that. "You want to know what I want? A normal dad. That's all." She turns to look up at Barney, the man she loves, the man who made the closest thing she'll ever get to father-daughter bonding possible. "I want you to give this _blond_ guy permission to marry me." Because Barney is who he is and she _loves_ who he is. He shouldn't have to pretend to be anyone else to gain her dad's approval, and she's finally realized that neither should she.

Her dad eventually agrees to dance with her at her wedding, and even if it is still on his own terms it's progress nevertheless. After that he stalks away, calling out that he'll see her then….So another four months of silence. Pretty typical also.

Barney sits down beside her, giving her a tender kiss. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Robin says, offering him a smile. "I just want to go home."

* * *

><p>An hour later, Robin is sitting on the edge of the bed unzipping her boots while Barney stands leaning against his suit room door, watching her. Setting her shoes aside, she looks up at him. "This day has been terrible." She gets up and walks over to him and he meets her halfway. "Make me forget," she entices, her request laced with unmistakable seduction in both her tone and body language.<p>

"That I can do." He puts his hands to her waist, pulling her to him as he kisses her.

But Robin quickly takes control of the kiss, transforming it from gentle to rough and visceral at mock speed. She moves her attentions down his neck, already working at the buttons of his shirt. "I wanna get wild and kinky," she says breathlessly. And judging by the way she's biting at his jugular vein almost painfully he takes her at her word. "Tie me up and do something _dirty_ to me," she begs, pressing him back against the suit room door and using the leverage of the hard surface to rock her hips against him and start slowly dry humping his thigh.

He looks down at her, dumbstruck. "Is this stored up teenage rebellion?"

"I don't know," she shrugs, pulling at his tie and increasing the speed of her hips. "I just….I want to be naughty. I want to feel you pounding inside me. I want to scream and rattle the headboard." She kisses him, slipping her tongue into his mouth almost immediately and pulling him with her back towards the bed. "Why waste time thinking about my dad when I could be having multiple orgasms with you?"

"Why indeed?" He bends to kiss her again but she lets go of him and steps away to promptly start disrobing, shedding articles of clothing and tossing them to the floor in a desperate frenzy to get naked as quickly as possible. Barney just watches her, astonished. "I don't know whether I should try to keep that man away from you or invite him over more often."

Now nude, she reaches for him, ready to end that debate. Wrapping herself around him, she goes in for his mouth but he avoids the kiss. He has a pretty definite feeling what's really behind all of this: residual anger and hurt over her father's actions. She wants to bang it out with him, and ordinarily he'd love nothing more than to bang out _anything_ with her but something about this doesn't feel quite right. Like Marshall always says about taking advantage of Drunk Girl; it's easy to do, but ultimately wrong. He doesn't want to exploit Robin's pain that way.

"But, seriously, Robin, are you sure you don't want to talk about this? I know how much your dad means to you. It had to hurt that he didn't tell you he got married. You two didn't leave things horribly but – "

"_Barney_," she complains, agitated. "I don't want to talk about this right now, okay?" He's looking at her the way someone might eye a live bomb and she knows she's not being fair to him. He means well, and this is exactly the kind of communication _she_ asked for. "Later," she promises. "But not now. "Just….just kiss me," she asks, her voice small and broken. "That's what I need."

"Okay," he smiles softly. "You want some sweet, sweet lovin? You got it."

Barney takes her into his arms and Robin closes her eyes and lifts her mouth for his, ready to be swept away by lust and one long session of going at each other animalistically. But he surprises her by kissing her cheek instead, then her forehead and nose, then her eyes – and there's something very gentle and attentive and tender about it all. "I'm always going to be here for you, Robin. _I_ love you and _I'm_ proud of you."

Like flipping a switch, those words break the fury Robin was in and all the roughness fades away as she cups his face, nodding tearfully. Then he kisses her mouth sweetly, letting it gradually boil over into passion on its own.

He doesn't tie her up that night or do anything particularly dirty, but he makes love to her and afterwards she feels so much better. Very well satisfied, yes, but also cherished and adored.

Lying in his arms with his body as her pillow, Robin presses a soft kiss to his chest. "Thank you, Barney."

"Ah, this is the life," he sighs contentedly. "Engaged to the woman I love. I have her lying here with me in bed naked after some amazing sex. And _she_ thanks _me_. You're right; I did have it wrong all those years. Marriage is definitely the way to go," he impishly contends.

"No, I mean it," she smiles at his teasing. "Not for the sex – although it _was_ amazing and just what I needed – but thank you for what you did today."

He didn't do it for the praise, never expected that from her. "It was nothing."

"It _wasn't_ nothing. Barney, you were going to shoot a rabbit. You dyed your hair for me. You made my dad come back….And try to divorce his wife," she adds playfully.

"Hey, that part's not on me," he still insists. "I never told him to – "

"What _did_ you say to him?" she asks, scooting up so she's lying on the pillow again to better see his face. She has to know. Whatever it was, it was powerful enough to do something no one else ever could.

What did he tell her dad? A lot more than he'd meant to. It just sort of took him over and he couldn't hold it inside anymore. "Well, after you left, I finally told him what I've wanted to say to him for a very long time….."

**Flashback**

After Barney tries to cut the tension by making a joke about the rabbit – or himself, depending on how you look at it – peeing on him, the apartment falls into silence again with nothing but the resounding of the slamming door ringing in both men's ears.

"That was a bit extreme," Robin Sr. ultimately remarks. "I can't believe she'd just dismiss me that way. And ban me from her wedding. I'm her _father_. I – "

"Mr. Scherbatsky," Barney interrupts severely, finally having had enough, "I've watched Robin struggle for years trying to win your approval. God only knows why, because after some of the things she's told me if I were her I wouldn't want to go near you. But for some reason she still loves you – and being loved by Robin Scherbatsky is an _incredible_ gift. Robin's an amazing woman, but you refuse to see that, still too caught up in the fact that she wasn't a son. Well get over it! Why do you even need a son? You should be proud to call her your daughter. She's smart, funny, beautiful, witty, accomplished – and a lot of other adjectives that I'm not going to mention to her father. She's a top anchor at World Wide News. She's been on _Letterman_ like a freakin' celebrity. Robin is unbelievably wonderful and you should consider yourself lucky just to be able to say that you _know_ her. But you know what? You _don't_ know her at all because you won't give her a chance. She's been pouring her heart out to you for years, just wanting your love in return, and you couldn't even tell her about your wedding. You wouldn't come see her for the past eight months even though you live twenty minutes away. With the outmost respect to my fiancée's father, you're a fool if you can't see how spectacular she is, and she doesn't need you at all. That's how _I_ feel about it," he asserts. "But _she_ still wants you in her life and dammit if you aren't going to give that to her. Man up for once and tell her you're sorry. How can you not want the love of someone as remarkable as she is?"

"I do," he replies. "I haven't been the most demonstrative father, but I do want her love and I want to be a part of her life."

"Then you're going to meet us again for dinner tonight and tell _her_ that."

**Flashback**

And Barney stood outside Pizzazzy's for twenty minutes waiting for him to ensure he did just that. "So….that's what I told him."

Robin is quiet for a moment, then she presses up on her elbow to look at him. "You think I'm amazing?"

"I _know_ you're amazing."

"And you called my father 'a fool' to his face?"

He winces. "I was going on pure instinct. I can hardly believe I said that either. I'm lucky he didn't pull out his gun and shoot me. You'd have been a widow before we're even married."

She smiles down at him. "I love you, Barney." She leans in for a long, languid kiss. "But you know what?" she says when she eventually manages to drag her lips back away from his. "You really need to change your hair back. You don't look like _my_ Barney." She tentatively fingers a dark brown lock. "My dad _is_ a fool. The blond suits you – and I can personally attest to the fact that you are very much a grown man."

"Yeah?" He kisses her again.

"Yeah." She glides her hand underneath the covers to wrap around him, touching him just the way he likes.

Barney moans softly. "You keep that up and I'll do some growing on you."

Robin grins. "That's what I'm hoping."

* * *

><p>After work on Monday, Robin stops by MacLaren's to have a beer with Ted and while she's there she catches him up on the positive conclusion to this madness with her dad. Smiling happily, she confirms that, "Barney made it happen." The smile still dances on her lips but she looks down at her beer bottle now. "He must really love me."<p>

There is a dual meaning behind her words. She said it to bask in the wonder of how much Barney really must love her, but it's also a very direct message to Ted. _Barney loves me. He's good to me. I'm happy with him. Respect our relationship._

Ted seems to receive the message, proclaiming how happy he is for them both, but he wears her out for the next hour trying to convince her to dump her band and choose the DJ instead. It's a tiring argument he won't let die, but she stands firm on insisting she wants the band and only the band for her wedding.

Robin spends the twenty-three minute cab ride back to the apartment reflecting on what she told Ted. What Barney did for her really was hugely significant. And those things he said to her dad? He _does_ really love her, and she really loves him. She wants to do something to show him how much, to show her appreciation for how hard he tried to win her father's approval and how he ended up making major repairs to her father-daughter relationship at the same time.

He won't be back until late tonight. He texted her ten minutes ago and apparently they ran into some trouble fixing his hair back to the proper color from that ink black brunette he'd changed into for her sake. He told her he ordered in takeout at the salon and he doesn't expect to be home until after ten. That gives her plenty of time to arrange a little surprise for him. Motioning to the driver, she gives him rerouting instructions because now she has a few stops to make on the way back to the apartment.

* * *

><p>At twenty after ten, Robin is waiting for him on the couch when Barney comes walking through the door.<p>

He sees her in a long bathrobe, covered from neck to ankles – though her feet are inexplicably bare – and he assumes she's under the weather again. "Not feeling well?" he asks.

"No, I'm much better." Robin crosses over to him where he's just laid his overcoat across the back of the chair. "I like your hair." She works his lapels between her fingers. "You're you again, and we're officially engaged by _all_ accounts….and now we can get back to celebrating – horizontally speaking. Yes, I saw your tweet."

"A little inappropriate maybe, but it wasn't incorrect," he upholds.

"True," she agrees. "Personally, I thought it was cute."

"And that's why I'm marrying you."

She smiles. "Ask me what I did tonight."

"Robin, what did you do tonight?" Barney playfully questions.

"I spent the night at MacLaren's telling Ted what a great, amazing thing happened with my dad, how not only did he give us his approval and agree to dance with me at our wedding, but my dad actually _apologized_ to me for the first time in my entire life. And _you_ did that for me. You made that happen."

"So you basically spent the night telling Ted how unbelievably awesome I am?"

"Basically."

"And this from a quality woman. Suck it, Mosby," he says victoriously.

"What?" Robin laughs.

"Never mind. It's an inside thing between me and Ted."

"Do I _want_ to know?"

"He just once told me that I may do better with women in quantity but a quality woman would choose him every time."

"Well I definitely choose you. _Every_ time."

Barney hums a little sigh, leaning in to kiss her.

"Hey," she tells him, pulling back. "I have a present for you in the bedroom."

"Baby, you can give it to me here in the living room," he suggests amorously, reaching for her again, but she sidesteps him.

"Nope. For this one we have to _travel_ to the bedroom."

"Is that a hint?" he asks, following readily after her. "I don't get it."

"You will." Robin opens the bedroom door and steps inside, standing out of the way so he can take in the scene she's set.

The curtains are drawn to make it extra dark, not just candles but old-fashioned oil lamps are strategically placed around the room to provide flickering ambiance, and his desk is shoved against the wall to make plenty of room on the floor for…

"It's a tiger skin rug, Desert Chieftain. And I happen to have a few spare veils. Seven of them to be exact." She takes off her robe to reveal she's wearing a sort of X-rated harem costume made entirely of thin, filmy veils in strategic spots and obviously nothing underneath. "I even bathed in fine oils and perfumes, or the closest thing we have to that nowadays." Barney just grins at her lustfully, completely blown away. "You've got me in your tent now. Why don't you sit back and let me dance for you. Then we'll see what we can get up to on that rug." He tries to lift a veil early and she edges back away from him. "Ah-ah. No peeking. Not yet. Not until the ceremonial dance is through."

"What about touching?" he asks, doing just that, trying to find a way to slip his fingers beneath the flimsy fabric to find bare skin.

"Oh, I _strongly_ encourage touching – once the veils have been removed." She shuts the door to their 'tent' and then she's on him like a flash, stripping him of his suit coat, tie, and shirt. Kissing her way down his chest, she gets on her knees in front of him and he looks at her with a raised eyebrow and an expression that's both blissful and greedy, like a kid in a candy store. She smiles, amused, and whispers her guarantee – "Later" – only removing his shoes and socks at the moment. "Now you look more like a Chieftain." And she gently pushes him down onto the rug to watch her.

"I've gotta do nice things for you all the time," he remarks eagerly as she starts to move. He's seen plenty of women strip. But watching Robin artfully de-veil for him, slowly and sensuously removing each filmy scarf as she belly dances, moving her hips hypnotically – and he knows what those hips can do – is by far the best striptease he's ever seen. He already wants her so much it hurts. She teasingly removes the last veil, sliding it provocatively between her legs before letting it fall to the floor. Then she's naked before him and not only does he get to look but he knows he'll soon get to touch too.

"I'm yours now," she purrs, dropping down onto the tiger skin rug and slowly crawling to him. She doesn't stop until she's hovering over his lap. "Whatever you want to do to me, I'm yours."

"This is hot. This is so hot," Barney whispers into her mouth, kissing her hungrily. He reaches to pull her down fully onto him but he just misses her as she moves out of his grasp, flipping around so she's lying on her back on the rug.

Stretching out, enjoying the soft feel of the faux fear against her bare skin, Robin arches her back up to him in invitation. "Have your way with me, Chieftain."

"Oh, _hell_, yes." He pounces on her, and it isn't long before her hands make their way up into his freshly blonde hair.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I know I'm still pretty far behind in the episodes since taking time off to work on the HIMYM book (more news to come on that later) but I promise you I'm trying to catch up just as fast as I can, but I also don't want to rush through important episodes just to get a chapter out there so please bear with me.


	38. 814

**Ring Up!**

* * *

><p>Barney and Robin get the message Saturday afternoon that her engagement ring is back from resizing so they stop by the jeweler's to pick it up. It's something their friends haven't witnessed too often – though it's far less rare than ever before – but they do each have a sentimental side they feel much freer sharing with one another. As such, they both admit to each other that they want him to be the one to put the ring on her again.<p>

Once they return to the privacy of the apartment, he slips the ring back on her finger. And, in a way that only he can, Barney turns it into something at once loving and romantic with an unmistakable undertone of something distinctly sexual. Robin in turn swears she'll never take his ring off again – and they wind up leaving a trail of clothes from the forgotten ring box on the coffee table all the way into the bedroom.

"_Barney_," she moans his name, her fingers digging into his shoulders. They're in the midst of a bout of vigorous, seriously enthusiastic lovemaking and it's getting so good, to such ecstasy, that Robin feels like she's going to burst from it. "Barney….this is – oh, _ohh_ – "

She lets an F-bomb fly and Barney grins. "Yes, Robin. That's what we're doing," he replies breathlessly, an inflection of amusement in his voice at both her obvious pleasure and her word choice.

"Idiot," she pants, but she cuts off into a load gasp of pleasure as he thrusts so hard it makes the headboard hit the wall.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"Mmm, just don't stop," she sighs.

Somehow before all is said and done they end up upside down on the bed, the covers all over the place, but they're too boneless and satisfied to care. Coming down from the high, they're both still catching their breath when Robin moves just right and her toes hit the lube dispenser on his headboard, squirting some out onto the floor.

"Whoops," she giggles. "We _cannot_ let our friends know we still have that."

"Psst," Barney pooh-poohs, not ashamed in the least of his invention of convenience, "it comes in handy. In another ten minutes – fifteen tops – we go again."

Robin shakes her head, getting up from the bed. "We can't. We're meeting the gang at MacLaren's at 7:30."

"Do we have to?" he groans, sitting up to reach for her, but she's already slipping her panties back on. And he would have liked nothing more than to spend the evening in bed with her. "Can't we just stay here? Naked? Whatever Ted has to tell us all can't be that important. It is Ted after all. He probably just gets to build some new building."

"If he does, that _is_ a big deal and you know it," she says, hooking her bra and twisting it back into place. "Come on, get up." She holds out her hand.

He takes it and stands up but then promptly winds his arms around her still-bare waist, pulling her to him. "Maybe he met someone." He bends to kiss her and she kisses him back but is smart enough to pull away before he can try anything more.

"Maybe." Robins picks up his boxer briefs which she then hands to him as a not too subtle hint.

Barney takes them from her but fails to put them on. "Nah," he says, rethinking his guess. "Once again, this is _Ted_ we're talking about. He reeks of desperate. No girl's gonna touch that."

"Maybe she's desperate too?"

"It _can_ work with a desperate girl if you know what you're doing, which Ted does not. It's been so long for him, he probably forgot how to use his junk. I, on the other hand, have not." Barney reaches for Robin again. She's only got her shirt back on. It's not too late to just take that right back off. "And we can spend the rest of the night proving it."

"Uh-uh." She squirms away from him, heading for her pants which are still lying right where he took them off her near the foot of the bed. "We're going." But when she sees him pouting oh so adorably she sweetens the deal. "But I bet we can pick up where we left off when we get back. This is our last night together, remember?"

Finally giving up, Barney puts his boxer briefs on, frowning at the reminder that they'll be apart for the next two nights. WWN has her airing at a different time for the next couple of nights, which means rather than working her normal day shift she'll be at the studio from 7pm until 2am. It'll be so late – or early, depending on how you look at it – by the time she gets home that Robin's decided just to crash at her place on those nights so she won't wake him up when she comes in and he won't wake her when he gets up for work. "Why do you have to do this again?"

"It's supposed to drive up ratings and increase expose," she explains as she finishes getting dressed. "Night news is a whole new viewing demographic. This could be a good thing for me."

"I know, baby. You should definitely do it," he agrees, tempering his own disappointment to be supportive. She's finally gotten what she always wanted out of her career and he's proud of her. "It's worth the two nights apart."

She watches him step into his pants, following him down the hallway where he's gone to retrieve his shirt. "We'll have a few hours that crisscross," she points out, glad that he's being so understanding about this despite the inconvenience and lack of sex that two days and nights spent mostly apart will cause. He really has matured. "We can still have dinner together."

"And dessert," Barney amends suggestively as he snakes an arm around her again.

Robin laughs because some things never change, and she'll miss the sex too. Maybe they can work in a quick after-dinner treat the next two days. "Dessert, always." She pulls him in for another kiss, this one more extensive, but before he gets any ideas she warns, "But you're keeping your pants on for now."

* * *

><p>At ten minutes to eight, Barney and Robin and Marshall and Lily are enjoying drinks at MacLaren's, still waiting for Ted. While they're killing time hanging out, Barney tells them a story about how some coworker of his that Marshall remembers saw Arthur Hobb's teenage nephew visit him at work, and then went out and got his same haircut. At first Barney thought he was just trying to suck up to the boss, but now the guy has started dressing like the kid too. It turns out he just thinks the little punk is cool.<p>

"Am I wrong? Is that not sadly ridiculous?" Barney asks them.

"It's pretty bad," Marshall agrees.

"How old do you guys think is too old to do stuff like that?" Lily questions.

"What," Marshall poses, "follow a silly trend or vicariously cling to youth by doing stupid things?"

"In Ted's case, both," Robin deadpans.

Ted _has_ been noticeably floundering lately and the whole table cracks up at the truth of it, Barney the loudest of all. Robin smiles over at him and his eyes are still laughing as he takes a drink of his scotch.

They're both having fun despite Barney's initial protests. The mood of the entire booth is a good one when Ted comes walking over to them freaking out over what happened to him on the way there. Something about a taxi and an old woman, but all they can hear is his wrist cuff screaming, "I'm a douche". It's even more hilarious because they were just talking about this. Barney and Robin in particular are nearly beside themselves at this opportunity. Teasing Ted is a favorite pastime of theirs, but a chance at mockery this golden doesn't come along every day.

"Oh my god, Ted, your wrist," Lily starts them out.

Ted's still going on about whatever happened on the street when Barney gets impatient and cuts in. "No, I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist." Robin's mouth twists in amusement at what she knows is coming. "The one wearing the male birth control," he finishes, laughter spilling into his voice.

"I was gonna go with chastity bracelet," Robin discloses.

Barney's pauses with the scotch glass midway to his mouth. They always could jump in seamlessly to one another's thoughts – and unified riffing on Ted has long been their specialty, in this case both of them naturally on the same wavelength that douchy wrist cuff equals sex repellant. It's like they share the same mind. Marriage is supposed to be two people merging into one and they're ahead of the game, already most of the way there. It's stuff like this that illustrates just how perfect they are for each other.

He turns to her, beaming, so happy he's finally free to say to her what he's always been thinking at moments like this when she lets her full awesomeness show. "_God_, is it possible to love you more?"

Robin is flooded with such warmth and affection hearing Barney say that and seeing the pure rapture on his face. She giggles joyfully as he dives in for a jubilant kiss that she readily returns.

Marshall soon joins in the ridicule too. But rather than going along with it good-naturedly, Ted defends himself as usual in a way that will only increase the mockery. "I'll have you know because of this wrist cuff I have a date."

Barney looks down, his featured amused, his mind busy formulating the best sarcastic comeback when a smirking Robin beats him to it. "With some hand lotion and the internet?"

His eyes dance with delight and he breaks out into another broad grin because it's hard to believe how amazing she is. "It _is_ possible to love you more!" he proclaims elatedly.

Robin giggles again, eagerly reaching for Barney as he leans in for an even deeper kiss. Her hand on his neck slides down to grip the knot of his tie and this kiss threatens to spill over into something more. Even as he draws back, his eyes are glued to hers and he really wishes they were back home where they could make out properly. No matter how many times they have each other it never lessons that desire, especially when she's been so insanely adorable and sexy, like right now. He has no idea how he ever got this lucky. He cuddles her closer to him, putting his arm fully around her and bringing his hand up to stroke at the bit of bare skin the open back of her blouse leaves exposed.

Still staring into one another, they're both busy thinking about what wonders tonight will bring when Ted breaks them out of their little love bubble, forcing them to focus on something other than each other. "She exists," he insists, and with a sigh they turn back to the rest of the table.

But everyone continues to tease Ted, looking to one another and egging each other on, until he finally reveals that the reason his 'date' can't come into MacLaren's is because she's not yet twenty-one. Of course then they want nothing more than to lay eyes on this child Ted is dating. Before they can, however, he gets a text telling him she had to "bounce" because a flash mob broke out in front of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks and she's roller skating there to be a part of it.

Ted explains to them all how he was basically out trolling the area shops that afternoon when he met this young, attractive leather cuff saleswoman, decided he wanted to bang her, and then pretended to be an enthusiast himself to land the date. The others alternately laugh and groan at the depths Ted has sunken to, and Barney laughs along with them but inwardly he's hit with an unexpected wave of nostalgia. Picking up erratic, barely legal chicks and tricking them into sleeping with you used to be _his_ forte. Hearing that Ted is now engaging in these same antics makes him feel not exactly wistful and certainly not envious or regretful, but it brings back memories and impulses that are better left forgotten. As such, he forcefully puts it away from him. "God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos." And he _is_. Regardless of Ted's stories, he doesn't want to be out there doing that himself anymore. "Now that I'm engaged that whole part of my life just seems sad and empty." He means that too. He's happy with Robin. He loves her like crazy. What they have together is beyond words. It's what he's been reaching for with her for years, and he wouldn't change a thing about their life together.

…..Yet, he also can't deny that at the time pursuing bimbos had its elements of fun – the crazy chase, the contest and challenge of it all. But he doesn't _want_ those thoughts to entire his mind. Frankly, they worry him. So he overcompensates, particularly so as he feels Robin's soft and loving touch across his shoulders. "I don't want this to sound too harsh, Ted. But you disgust me."

"Uh, till a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser," is Ted's comeback.

Worries momentarily forgotten, Barney looks to him amused, ready to regale him with one of the better antidotes of his and Robin's use of it when Robin jumps in, cagy.

"Uh…yeah….We got rid of that….Okay?" She looks to Barney furtively in the hope that he'll play along. She may be a bit of a freak admittedly but she's not as openly proud of her kinky, intense, and frequent sexual proclivities as Barney is. She doesn't want the others finding out their private business and using it as a chance to mock her.

Barney's expression quickly changes and he glances to her from the corner of his eye, letting her know he's on board. "_Yeah_," he derides Ted in concurrence.

"Anyway…." Robin quickly shifts the subject. "Speaking of being engaged, check out what got back from being resized," she says, proudly showing off her ring. She's excited to be wearing it again. Now is the chance for everyone to see it on her and know she's about to be a married woman who's finally landed her man. That's right, universe, this is Scherbatsky's time.

Barney looks down at his family ring once again where it belongs on Robin's finger, and all thoughts of Ted's antics are completely erased from his mind. Because, god, he loves this woman and he _is_ unspeakably glad that they're together now and on the way to getting married in just a few short months.

When Ted announces he's got to bounce to meet up with his no-doubt wild, probably gullible, and over a decade younger than him leather cuff girl to hear a DJ from Dubai spinning at some abandoned loading dock, those images of doing insane, shady stuff bring back a whiff of that nostalgia for just the tiniest second, but it's so much easier for Barney to push away once Ted leaves and takes his stories with him.

Left alone, the two couples talk about Robin's ring and the upcoming wedding and how clearly happy the two of them are together.

When they get home that night, the first words out of Robin's mouth are, "You still have the sex swing, right? Let's hook it up and take it for a spin."

Without a doubt, Barney _loves_ his life.

* * *

><p>The next day Barney has an early morning suit fitting – the only time Tim Gunn can work him in that week – then he's meeting up with her for brunch later, but in the meantime Robin's got the morning by herself. She decides to go out for coffee and a bagel like always, and that's when something truly disturbing happens.<p>

All the guys on the street ignore her, they make her wait in line for her turn, and then she's actually forced to _pay_. A horrible thought occurs to her. She's thirty-two now. Is she losing her touch and appeal to men? She tries to dismiss it and put it out of her mind but it weighs on her the rest of the day.

And by the time they're having dinner at MacLaren's with the rest of the gang there's something weighing heavily on Barney's mind again too. Ted regales them all with more stories of how his date went, and hearing it brings back those same feelings Barney experienced the night before.

Everyone always used to say, 'Barney can never change', and for the longest time he believed it to be true. No matter what he may have wanted to the contrary, he was just too broken to have a normal, healthy relationship. Then he met his dad who assured him that wasn't so – and he has a twenty-three year success story of his own to back it up. But even then Barney grew to accept that while he _could_ change, such change _was_ indeed possible, nothing short of Robin was going to make him _want_ to do so. On the night of his engagement to Quinn he had very enjoyable phone sex with another woman and he spent the rest of the evening longing for Robin – basically the entire engagement longing for Robin and wanting _her_ instead. And he rarely even tried to limit or curb those fantasies.

Now that he's actually with Robin, there is no doubt in Barney's mind that not only is being faithful to her the _only_ thing he wants, it's something he certainly can and will do. However, hearing these crazy stories of Ted's and what they engender in him brings back the old fear that maybe there's a part of him that still craves that, that might always crave that at least a little. Not the actual sex and not the women but the conquest, the _game_ of one-night stands – some weird show in a hot neighborhood he's never heard of and then on to a club in China Town beneath a manhole cover of all things, playing up to the random girl's older man fetish all the while by pretending to be a Vietnam War Colonel and seeing if you can get away with it, seeing if you can make her believe you and be willing to go home and do the nasty with you. It was a sport. It was a challenge. It was second nature to him and the world he dominated for so very long.

Ted's stories undeniably bring back thoughts to Barney's mind of how he used to live, how that used to be _him_ out there doing stuff like that. This is the first time he's really had to face his past head-on since getting back together with Robin, and it disturbs him. It scares him. He doesn't want even the slightest hint of a hankering towards any of that to rear its ugly head so he continues in increasingly rabid overcompensation. "Yeah, seriously, Ted, pretending to be someone else just to get laid? That's…._embarrassing_."

A former one-night stand who still thinks he's the Prince of Denmark comes up to them at that moment and Barney quickly shuffles Robin out of the bar.

"Who was that?" Robin questions him once they're outside.

"Ah, no one. No one at all."

She's not stupid. The odds were already in favor of that being some woman he slept with and now his guilty attitude confirms it, but when you're marrying a man who's bedded literally hundreds of women that comes with the territory and she lets it go, perhaps more quickly and easily than she might have if her mind wasn't preoccupied with other concerns at the moment. "Okay, I'll let you have that one," she grants and he smiles in relief. "Listen, I've gotta go get some groceries for my apartment if I'm going to be spending the next couple nights there. I haven't been back to do more than pick up some clothes for weeks now. You can come with if you want," she offers.

"That's okay. I've got some stuff to do for work at home anyway." They kiss goodbye, agreeing to meet back up before she heads in to work tonight, which they eventually do.

Barney has dinner with Robin and he enjoys himself immensely. They always have fun together; that's a given. But once she has to go to WWN and he's alone with his thoughts it goes downhill from there. Because Ted's out with that girl again tonight, surely trying to seal the deal, and for whatever reason that's all that Barney can think about.

Running a Vietnam War play to get a girl into bed used to be his stock and trade for decades not Teds, and so he naturally can't help but think about what _he_ would have done in this situation, how he would have run the play and what he would have used as the ultimate way to complete the pickup. Once his mind has gone there it's just a hop, skip, and a jump from that to starting to picture what this girl looks like.

And it's not about sex. He doesn't want to have sex with her. He doesn't even know her, has never so much as laid eyes on her – and knowing Ted she's probably a 5 at best. But thoughts of running a play are intrinsically entwined with sexual thoughts since the two always went hand-in-hand. And he does _not_ want that. He doesn't want any thoughts of that nature about someone other than Robin.

He just can't understand it. He's happy with Robin. He doesn't want to be with anyone else, even sexually. She's _all_ that he wants. And their sex life is crazy. He couldn't ask for anything more so it doesn't begin to make sense.

Racking his brain, it suddenly occurs to Barney that what he's experiencing must be _withdrawal_ symptoms. He's had one-night stands for years upon years on end, and even when he was engaged to Quinn he always knew in the back of his mind that they'd eventually break up and he'd be right back to one-night stands again. That wasn't quitting one-night stands so much as taking a temporary leave of absence, cutting back for a while so to speak. But now, with Robin, he's given it up cold-turkey. He hasn't had a one-night stand since the first week of November, over two and a half months ago, and he knows he _never_ will again. It must be like an addition and his body is now going through detox. It may seem on the surface like withdrawal should have happened before this point but it's actually perfectly logical to him that it would take this long to kick in once he thinks about it. At first he was too wrapped up in "The Robin" – a _play_ in and of itself – to feel the effects, and then he was so caught up in her and their love bubble that the real world never had a chance to intrude upon them until now.

If this is withdrawal, and he figures that it _must_ be, then he assures himself it's going to be okay. He just has to wait it out. But later that night when he's still battling these demons and feeling guilty as hell because of it, especially when he watches Robin's 11 p.m. news broadcast, Barney finally comes to the conclusion that every detoxing addict deserves a patch to help ease and speed their withdrawal. And the only way he's going to accomplish that is to have Ted sleep with this girl and complete the pickup on his behalf. Once the one-night stand is over and the girl has been successfully banged – mission accomplished – Ted can tell him about it, how the play worked, and then Barney will never have to think about it or imagine it again.

He just has to sneak into Ted's place and convince him of the plan. This isn't exactly something you explain over the phone. He knows it's going to sound bad – that's why _he_ feels guilty and is actually somewhat relieved that Robin will be away for the next couple of nights and won't see him like this – so he has to explain it to Ted face-to-face and make him understand.

Once Barney lets himself into Ted's apartment and wakes him up in the most logical and natural way – by covering his nose and mouth so the lack of oxygen wakes him on his own – he launches into his tale. "Look Ted, there's something we have to talk about." Nearly beside himself with the need to get rid of this stupid withdrawal, he grabs Ted's shirt desperately. "It's about the twenty year-old, Ted. You have to bang her, for me."

From there he admits to Ted that his comments about finding him so "disgusting" were an act, but he rushes to reassure him, "I love Robin and she's the _only_ girl I want to be with." He sincerely, deeply means it too. This is just the withdrawal. Addicts can't help their symptoms even when they no longer want the drug. He's merely detoxing after years of one-night stands and that's exactly what he insists to Ted right before he starts frantically looking for his phone. He needs to see real pictures of this girl to purge the ones his mind has conjured up. It's the curiosity of the unknown that's plaguing him. It's like when you tell your mind 'don't think about that' and then that's all you _can_ think about. Once he actually sees her then he can stop wondering…..Or even some other "one-night stand material", as he calls it, will do in a pinch. If he can just see one hypothetical one-night stand chick of Ted's it'll be like a small hit of the drug and it will set his imagination to rest.

But Ted being Ted argues the point, which is just plain dumb as far as Barney is concerned. Ted will be doing a bro a solid here, and it's not like he has anything to complain about when he's getting a night of no-strings sex out of it and he's got absolutely nothing else going for him otherwise. Who knows how long it's been since he's even gotten any? Victoria probably and that was back in October, three months ago. The guy's got to be jonesin for some booty pretty badly anyway.

Ted eventually sees it that way too and agrees to proxy bang her tomorrow night to help Barney with his withdrawal, so he leaves a relatively happy guy who now has a brand new patch to ride out this detox.

* * *

><p>By the next night, Robin's nearly beside herself. She told Barney yesterday that she was going to get groceries, and she did, but before that she had to make a slight detour up to Marshall and Lily's. She didn't want to mention it to Barney because he gets jealous when she talks about the free rent her male landlord gives her – who Barney says clearly just wants to get in her pants, which happens to be true but she'll still take it – or the free meals and drinks she gets from random strangers. But all of that changed yesterday morning and she had to ask someone's advice about it. It's not <em>just<em> the absence of free coffee, newspapers, bagels, and cuts in line, or even of men's simple smiles and undue kindness – although that definitely sucks. It's also the question of _why_ they're no longer tripping over themselves to be nice to her.

She was afraid she might be losing it but Marshall and Lily gave her an explanation that's disturbing on a whole other level: it's the engagement ring. They claim the ring makes her invisible to guys. It transforms her into just another of the horde of faceless, insubstantial people. No more appreciation, no more popularity, no more recognition. _No more attention_.

That was her favorite part about being Robin Sparkles, not the acting or the music or the performing. It was the adoring fans. She grew up coveting a father's love that always eluded her and with boyfriends that were just takers and users. To have throngs of worshipful fans was a boost to her ego that so desperately needed it. And by the time she left all that behind she had come of age, come into her own and discovered that even when you're not famous if you're young and pretty guys will _still_ show you that same attention. That's how she's been living for the past fifteen years. She isn't ready to stop being the hot, desirable girl. She doesn't want to be invisible and no longer precious. She's not comfortable with this at all.

And tonight at MacLaren's it's just gone from bad to worse. Not only is she not getting any attention but this new so-called invisibility makes guys act downright rude to her. This is awful.

No, she doesn't go around admitting it – quite the contrary – but maybe she does have a little bit of a problem with insecurity and low self-esteem. Getting all those perks and free stuff and admiring looks made her feel good about herself. But that's all gone. And she can't even get a _drink_ now.

A scantily clad woman goes by carrying her drink and Robin can hardly believe her eyes. "Hold on. That slut just got here," she complains to Marshall. "How'd she get a beer already?" That should be her. _She_ has always been the hot girl, and now she's nothing. But, as Marshall points out, that girl isn't wearing a ring. "Unacceptable," Robin proclaims bitterly.

Ring or no ring, she's Robin Scherbatsky, dammit! She can do this. Her feminine wiles are still intact despite no longer being on the market. She fluffs her hair and puts on her most pleasing voice. "Excuse me. Hot girl coming through." But all the guys crowding the bar just continue to ignore her.

Okay. Marshall and Lily say it's the ring and it's looking like they're right, but just to be sure Robin decides to quickly test their theory. She slips off her engagement ring for just a second….and the rude batch of guys instantly parts to make way for her. Alright, that's pretty telling but it could be just a fluke. It's super crowded in the bar tonight. Maybe the guys only got a good look at her now and that explains the difference in their reactions.

Robin smiles and moves up to the bar to order. "Three beers please." Then she slips her ring right back on. She already feels naked without it. She's _proud_ to be engaged to Barney and she experienced a twinge of guilt for momentarily taking it off in the first place when she promised never to do so. But the moment she puts it on again everyone goes right back to being rude and ignoring her.

Invisible.

It really does make her invisible.

Now that she's wearing Barney's ring and is discernibly engaged, she's become _worthless_ to everybody else. "Dammit, ring!"

The diamond on her finger announces to the men of the world that there's no chance she's ever going to sleep with them but that's still no cause not to show at least a little politeness. She slinks back to the booth to lick her wounds, but she's even invisible to Marshall and Lily too. The only time anyone's been nice to her all day is when she had dinner with Barney earlier.

Robin takes a long pull from her beer. She has twenty minutes before she has to go in to work and all night to ponder how she's going to exist this way now – with no more admiring glances, no freebies, no notice, just completely disregarded by all. Treated like a nobody or….an ugly girl.

* * *

><p>Across town a few hours later, Barney is mired in problems of his own. He knows Ted is out with his one-night stand girl and that the deed is happening tonight, and he can't stop thinking about it. Ted needs to just get it over with and bang her already to exorcise this demon from him and relieve his withdrawal.<p>

Around one a.m. Barney's tired mind finally experiences some relief and he concludes that must mean the feat has been accomplished; the play worked. The next day after work he rushes to MacLaren's to meet Ted, hear about the conquest, see her picture, and the detox patch will have done its trick.

Proclaiming, "I gotta know what she looks like", Barney grabs Ted's phone and starts scrolling up the body of this standard twenty year-old, one-night stand pic, saving Dirty Girl's face for last. But when he sees it, the floor falls out from under him because Dirty Girl is _his sister_.

"Her face says Ready-to-Bone, am I right?" Ted brags, and Barney feels like he's on the edge of hyperventilating.

When he's able to find his voice again and tell Ted the vile truth Ted then warns Barney not to look at the next picture, but morbid curiosity gets the better of him. And there is his sister, naked and down on all fours, her tongue sticking out licking the side of her mouth, pining the camera with blatant sex-eyes. Barney may never see properly again.

He is _horrified_ and begins chugging his scotch, irate that Ted would have sex with his "sweet, little innocent sister". But Ted neglects to see the gravity of the situation, merely taunting him with talk about all the dirty things he did to her. This is not just some anonymous girl. This is his baby sister, a real woman with a life and feelings, and he won't stand for Ted being so crass about her. "Friendship over!" he declares, storming out.

After Barney leaves MacLaren's he goes straight to the restaurant where he's meeting Robin for dinner before she heads to work. Not surprisingly, the conversation is absorbed with both of their individual problems that so far they're only sharing portions of with each other.

Robin complains about how Sandy is treating her like Sheila from research _before_ her gastric bypass surgery, and how she couldn't even get a beer last night. "Apparently once a woman starts wearing an engagement ring men ignore her and treat her like crap. It's been a big adjustment," she admits, but nevertheless downplays how much it exactly is bothering her. She doesn't want to upset him or make him feel jealous that the lack of attention from other guys is eating away at her, so she just jokes about it instead. "I couldn't even get a good pre-work buzz on." Barney laughs, smiling at her sweetly, and she feels a whole lot better. "So what's been going on with you?"

He exhales bitterly. "Oh, for starters, Ted banged my sister."

"Carly?" Robin asks, surprised but not entirely shocked, and he nods. "….So Carly is the twenty-year old. I did warn you about her."

"Yeah, but Ted is _fourteen years_ older than she is."

"He said she has a fetish for older men."

"Eww. Just, eww," Barney hisses, appalled. "She's not some – some…..one-night stand bimbo. She's my _sister_."

"They all were someone's sister," Robin points out. "Or daughter."

He frowns. "I get that but….do you know what he _did_ with her?" He pulls his chair closer to Robin's, leaning across the table to whisper the lewd sex acts in her ear.

"Huh," she replies, actually taken aback this time. "She let him do that on the first time? Wow, she is – " She cuts herself off in the nick of time. "I mean, how _dare_ Ted."

"_Right_?" Barney nods, still stewing over this. "How could he do this to me?"

"To be fair, he didn't know she was your sister beforehand, right?"

"No, but he certainly had a time with it afterwards. He showed me a naked picture and – and he told me she's…." He shudders, whispering, "…._pierced_."

Robin grimaces in sympathy. "Well you _have_ been tormenting Ted about sleeping with his mom for about five years now."

"Yeah, but I always wink. I've never actually confirmed it."

"And I don't want you to," she rushes to inform him. "I don't want to know."

Her hint of possessiveness noticeably perks Barney up and he smiles softly. "Hmm, is this a general jealousy or is it because she's Ted's mom?"

"I don't want to hear about any of the girls you've slept with. But, yes, the fact that she's Ted's mom does make it grosser."

"She always reminded me of you, you know."

"Okay, now that just makes it worse."

Barney laughs. "Not in a sexual way, personality wise. Ted's more like his dad, but Virginia is strong and smart and independent like you. Although maybe it _is_ a sexual way too," he amends now that he's really thought about it. "You both do share a strong sexual appetite, and a love for _Fifty Shades of Grey_."

Robin's mouth drops open in insult. "I have _never_ read that book."

"No, but you love to dabble in it. We were living it years ago, way before it was a mainstream thing. You were ahead of your time," he winks.

"But with us it goes both ways." She may have never read the book but she knows it's supposed to be about some naïve, innocent submissive – and that she must certainly is _not_. With her and Barney they _both_ enjoy the bondage, flip-flopping the roles depending on their moods that night.

"True. True," Barney concedes with a lusty grin at some of the memories. "Neither one of us has said flugelhorn yet."

Robin grins too, reliving some of those memories in _her_ mind, and he leans in to kiss her. Remembering herself though, she looks down at her watch and groans. "I have to go. It's after 6:30. Makeup will be freaking out. I'm on the air in half an hour." Giving him a quick peck goodbye, she promises, "Just one more night."

* * *

><p>Everything about Robin's night and morning at World Wide New is miserable. She's still being thoroughly ignored, absolutely invisible to all. The teleprompter guy fails to hit on her as usual, the waiter at the all-night diner where she stops to grab a midnight snack doesn't comp her meal, and her cab driver fails to give her the usual reduced rate. She's so bummed about the neglect her ring causes that she desperately needs a little attention from Barney, even if it is the middle of the night.<p>

She comes to him that morning just after three but he's already sleeping and she doesn't have the heart to disturb him just to say she felt bad because nobody gave her free stuff or complimented her. But she gets undressed and climbs under the covers, snuggling up beside him, and the world already seems a little brighter just feeling the warmth emanating from his side of the bed and hearing his soft, steady exhales lull her to sleep.

Barney wakes up a few hours later to find Robin there with him. It's a very pleasant surprise and he'd love nothing more than to see her smile at him right before he kisses her good morning, but it's only 6:30 a.m. and by his calculations that means she can't have been asleep for more than three and a half hours tops. Waking her up just to make himself feel better seems too selfish, especially when she looks so warm and peaceful. So he just kisses her on the cheek – because he can't resist – and then lets her continue to sleep while he gets up and goes to work.

When Robin wakes up she's disappointed to discover it's after eleven and Barney has long since gone to work, but she finds a note on the pillow beside her in his familiar handwriting.

**Note**

_It was perfect waking up to you. Just what I needed. I kissed you but you didn't wake up – we'll talk about that later…._

_Had to leave for work. I'll see you tonight._

– _Barney_

_**Note**_

She smiles at the note, yawing and stretching and feeling ready to start her day but really wishing she had the man himself here instead of a piece of paper.

It turns out that's sadly the high point of her day. After getting herself up, showered, and dressed she heads out for some breakfast, hoping to forget the tough time she had at work last night. Fat chance. She goes for coffee and a bagel and has to pay for them both – _after_ waiting in a fifteen minute line. She takes them 'to go' while she walks about town running some errands, and the whole time no one smiles at her once or stops to tell her how pretty she looks today.

Now, on her way into MacLaren's just after five, Robin's had about all she can stand. She stops outside the bar to send a text to Barney, telling him where she is so he can come meet her and cheer her up. While she's standing near the railing texting, this pervy guy comes up the steps from the bar and starts blatantly checking her out. He brushes past her as he goes by and quite purposefully runs his forearm slowly across her breasts.

"Sorry," he says in a totally sleezy way that makes it crystal clear it was neither a mistake nor is he actually sorry. Then he looks down and sees the ring on her finger and his entire expression changes. "Oh. _Oh_," he stammers, aghast. "I _am_ sorry, ma'am. I didn't know – I didn't mean to – I'm sorry." Then he hustles off down the street.

Now she's invisible even to groping, skeezy perverts?

Walking into the bar, she finds Lily and Marshall already in the booth and slides in beside him. "You know what? I love Barney, but this ring thing sucks. Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack and then _apologized_. And I think he really, really meant it." She's not sure how much more of this invisibility she can handle. It's demoralizing.

Lily commiserates; after all, she's been there herself. But she tells Robin it all evens out because, "Nothing beats the rush you get when that one special person looks at you."

"There's only one person I see," Marshall jumps in to uphold Lily's claim, "and I see her brighter and more clearly than anything else in this world. And you know what that is? It's love."

"And that's how Barney sees you."

Robin twists the ring on her finger and her mouth quirks pensively. Barney _does_ make her feel special whenever she's with him, Lily's right about that. Nothing beats that rush. That's why she came to him this morning.

"And I know that's how you see Barney," Lily finishes.

Robin blinks, looking down contemplatively. That part is definitely true. But does it make it any easier to go through life as a nobody now?

* * *

><p>All night long Barney was haunted by thoughts of Ted and his sister, and they continued to plague him at work. The thing he hates even more than the fact that they actually slept together is the circumstances surrounding it. That's what makes it truly sickening. Carly doesn't even know Ted. If she did she would have met his friends and discovered the connection before the sex even occurred. She doesn't know Ted or have any sort of feelings for him. She was just….ughhh….turned on by her old man fetish. And Ted didn't want to sleep with Carly either. He only did it as a favor to him – and to get some no-strings sex.<p>

It was just something crude and base, and Barney knows that kind of hook-up. He _lived_ that all the time, the way he'd use a woman and when he was done he didn't even want her touching him. He'd just throw her out and shower any traces of her off his skin after the deed was done. Sometimes he'd sleep with someone he wasn't even particularly attracted to just for the sport of it – like Ted seems to have down with his sister – and he'd always hate himself a little bit more afterwards. He wants better than that kind of life for his sister. Which is why this night between Carly and Ted _has_ to mean something. She can't just be some cheap lay for Ted.

…..And that's how he eventually decided that they must get married and right away. Carly deserves to have something deep and meaningful like he has with Robin. The way he felt just to be able to wake up beside Robin this morning, the surge in his heart whenever he gazes into her eyes or kisses her, that warm feeling – like a hug on the inside gripping his heart tightly – after she so much as looks at him, the butterflies he still gets when she smiles and says his name soft and sweet. Carly should have all of _that_, not some sordid one-nighter.

So he sent Ted a possum of apology and left work early, already making several calls along the way, but when he got back to the apartment he found Robin gone, which was too bad. She would have been a lovely maid of honor, but there's no time to wait for her….and he's pretty sure she wouldn't approve anyway. But what needs to be done needs to be done. Accordingly, Barney called up Ted a half an hour ago and tricked him into getting over to his apartment as soon as possible – and then he did the same thing with this sister. The plan comes together marvelously as all of his plans do. When Ted and his sister arrive, he's able to ambush them with all the bridal trappings necessary.

But it comes to a screeching halt when Ted refuses to see things his way, repeatedly rejecting any matrimony plans. "Barney, we are _not_ getting married."

"But you two _have_ to get married," Barney insists, growing increasingly disturbed. He's not a madman. He knows he's being ridiculous trying to force Carly and Ted into an impromptu wedding when they barely even know each other, but if they don't get married then he has to face the fact that it was just cold, dirty sex for the sake of sex. If there is no marriage and no feelings for one another than that's all it was, just a sleazy, gross night of nothing but practically anonymous sex. They were each just using one other. For Carly, Ted was just a way to get off on her fetish and for Ted she was just a place to stick it, like one of those graphic Japanese sex dolls with the multiple anatomical orifices. "Otherwise it's just a cheap, meaningless, _disgusting_ one night stand." And Barney knows all about those. After living them for years he knows how they break you, how they _ruin _you, inside. He doesn't want to see his sister ruined the way he almost was if it hadn't been for Robin.

"Wait," Ted interrupts, but Barney is not at all in the mood to hear further taunting about all the ways in which he boned his sister. That's only going to make it more disgusting. "Just to be clear," Ted continues, "you're saying that you're _opposed_ to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands?"

Barney looks at him like he's crazy. Ah, of course he is. That's literally everything he just said. Way to listen, Mosby.

"_Yes_," he stresses because he means it unequivocally. He's known for a long while now that he doesn't want one-night stands for himself anymore. They've long since lost whatever appeal they once had. Each one-night stand left him feeling more unfulfilled than the last. Sure, it's easy and sex is fun but that doesn't make one-night stands any less disgusting or damaging in the long run. His sister – and Ted too – should be striving for something more than the callous, seedy, hollow world of one-night stands. He wants so much more, so much better than that for Carly even if she is too young and stupid right now to understand she should want it for herself. He's been _there_ too.

"Barney, don't you see?" Ted says, breaking him out of his private reflections. "Your detox is done. You're over one-night stands."

Barney's mouth falls open. He hadn't even been thinking about detox or his own one-night stand withdrawal ever since he found out about Ted and Carly. Just now, he'd only been speaking straight from the heart, laying out exactly how he felt with no guile or hidden agenda. That's how he knows it's true and genuine because he wasn't even subconsciously trying to make himself or anyone else believe something. This is wholly and utterly, down to his very core, how he really feels about it.

"_Oh my god_. You're right." The smile on his face couldn't be wider or brighter because, "I'm free." He really is once and for all free and clear of the worry of any dependency, now or in the future, toward one-night stands. His old life is never coming back to haunt him. It's dead and gone. Before Robin, he didn't know what he was missing, what he _could_ be having instead, but now that he does there's not even a drop of him that would want or need to go back to that womanizing lifestyle. It's such a weight off his mind.

After Carly and Ted leave – without promising not to have sex again but at least swearing they won't tell him about it ever, like _never_ – and once he dispenses with the wedding decorations and staff, the first thing Barney does is grab his phone and text Robin.

* * *

><p><em>I'm on my way, baby. <em>

Robin reads his text and just those simple words give her goose bumps. They flood her heart with love and an automatic, irrepressible smile breaks out on her lips. What has she been getting all in her head about? _Of course_ being the only thing that Barney sees makes it easier to go through life as a nobody because she's always going to be a somebody to _him_ and he's the only one that matters.

Twenty-three minutes later Barney walks into the bar and sees Robin, and suddenly it's all better. Everything is right with the world again. He makes a beeline straight for her. The moment Robin sees him she smiles, and there go those butterflies as he bends down for a kiss and she reaches for him in return. Kissing her now – one month into their engagement and five years since kissing her the first time – is as amazing as it ever was. It _never_ gets old. That spark never wears out.

He pulls away to go sit across from her in the booth and his renewed, permanent sense of contentment shows on his face as he just keeps holding her gaze, smiling lovingly into her eyes. Why did he ever get so worked up about 'detox' and 'withdrawal'? There isn't even a tiny part of him that craves still being out there having one-night stands. What he has with Robin is so infinitely better. There's not the minutest shred of comparison; it's not even in the same stratosphere. Robin is the most beautiful woman in the universe both outside and in – and not _that_ kind of 'in', although she's certainly beautiful there too – because beneath that stunning face and killer body is a captivating, witty woman with such spirit and style, who despite her independent nature and general awesomeness somehow still wants to spend the rest of her life with _him_. She is exquisite, plain and simple, and he adores her. Simply put, he loves her.

Barney's smile softens and gradually falls away into something deeper and even more profound as it hits him yet again the magnitude of what he has with Robin. It's nothing short of awe. Because along with all that love, in every glance, every touch, and every kiss there is a world of history, thousands of special moments together, _years'_ worth of memories. What he feels just looking at her across the booth is so much better than any cheap, meaningless, this-time-he-wholeheartedly-means-it _disgusting_ one-night stand. Robin is his whole world. She's _everything_. And now he doesn't have to worry about overcoming any so-called withdrawal again. There's only one thing in life he fiends for. If he has any addiction, any deep-rooted, unconquerable compulsive need it's for _her_ – and he doesn't ever want to quit. Somehow he got lucky enough that he'll never have to. He's looking at his whole heart wrapped up in a gorgeous, strong, smart, hell of a woman who he gets to call his fiancée. Others should be so fortunate. Robin is the _only_ woman he can see or ever _wants_ to see.

From the second Barney walked over and kissed her Robin's been grinning helplessly, unable to pull her eyes off him either, and why would she want to? Lily was right, she thinks, still smiling like a lovesick school girl. Why should anyone else matter? Barney is her _world_. If his is the only attention she ever gets, if he's the only one who is nice to her, or treats her to a free meal and a rent free bed, that's okay. His is the best attention and the only looks she needs.

The way he looks at her makes her melt inside. It makes her happy in a way that no one else can. She may be invisible to all the others but she knows _he_ sees her. And when he takes her hand, or kisses her, or tells her how sexy she looks and whispers that he can't wait to get her home she feels like _the_ _hottest_ girl. It's better than twenty million cheering Robin Sparkles fans and a lifetime of the rush of cutting in line. She feels wanted but more importantly cherished and loved, and that's all the attention she could ever need. But what's even better is that along with Barney's attention comes all the jokes and crazy stories and catchphrases and high fives, and the way they laugh together, the fun they have, the sweetness and love and the unquestionable passion and heat that's always there.

Realizing all of this, Robin blinks in the way she does when the emotions start to overwhelm her because she truly is living a dream right now. She gets to be seen and loved by the _only_ one who needs to see her – the only one she sees and loves too – for the rest of her life.

She sighs, so full of happiness and gratitude for what she's got. That's the true power of the ring. It doesn't make her "not precious". It makes her _more_ precious than she's ever been because it makes her precious to _Barney_, and that's all she wants to be.

"Hey, Robin."

She hears Marshall calling her and slowly drags her attention away from Barney. "Hmm?" she answers, shaking herself out of the spell she so easy falls under with him.

"Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get a drink at the bar now that you're engaged?"

"Oh, sure." She thought up the solution ten minutes before Barney came in. She doesn't need a crowd full of random dudes to extend her any kindnesses. If she needs something and she can't get it for herself, she already has the perfect answer. All the other guys can ignore her for the rest of her life, blinded by her wedding ring, but she knows Barney will always be there for her. "I know a way that's gonna last forever." She looks to Barney, smiling. "Scotch on the rocks?" she softly requests.

Barney's heard about her troubles getting a drink now that their engagement ring brands her as 'taken', and though he still finds it hard to believe that Robin could be invisible to any man regardless of her marital status, he's just thankful that _he_ gets to be her solution to come to – and one she openly declares will last forever. "Coming right up," he promises with a grin and goes to get her drink right away.

Robin smiles. Yep. This is definitely gonna last forever.

* * *

><p>They all spend the rest of the night at MacLaren's talking and drinking while Barney openly ogles his fiancée. He loves the blouse she's wearing, the way it dips down deep at her cleavage. And somehow it's even sexier than bare skin to have all that enticing black lace covering her breasts.<p>

This is a new shirt and it's the first chance he's gotten to see her in it. He missed watching her get dressed this morning, a favorite pastime of his. He loves to just watch her getting ready for bed at night too. It's not always even a sexual thing. Certainly that's part of it, but he likes to merely admire her sometimes, the way she moves, how staggeringly attractive she is. She'll take off whatever makeup she has on, put on lotion, fill up her little mug with water in case she gets thirsty in the middle of the night, and then she'll climb under the covers. He loves simply being privy to those private rituals. It's a level of intimacy he used to run screaming from but, with her, he craves.

Robin shares the same feeling too. She likes sitting back and watching him get dressed in the morning, but what she loves most of all is being the one _undressing_ him. And Robin knows he likes watching her so she'll indulge his habit, waiting until he's in the room to start taking her clothes off. And she'll talk with him all the while. She'll tell him about her day and he'll tell her what happened with him, and they'll laugh and joke and further connect.

Four and a half hours later back at the apartment, Barney and Robin are having just such a night. They both missed each other over the past few nights. Already there's a dependency just to be next to one another while they sleep. Neither one of them knows what they would do without each other. They couldn't ever go back to being apart. They'd never make it living that way again.

They're just settling into bed – together finally – when Barney resolves he's going to tell her. He'd been wondering at the bar if he should even say anything at all or just keep quiet about it. It's over now and Robin would never have to know, but there's a probably insane, possibly suicidal part of him that wants to tell her the truth anyway so at the very least they can celebrate the breakthrough he's made.

He glances at her cautiously as she takes a sip from her now-customary Canadian flag mug and sets it back down on her nightstand. "I have a confession to make," he starts out carefully.

Robin straightaway looks over to him, bracing herself. That is something you never want to hear from Barney Stinson. "Okay."

"These past few days, I was having one-night stand detox."

"What?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds. I didn't cheat on you," he assures her. "That wasn't even a consideration."

"Okay," she repeats herself, at a loss for much beyond that. "But….I'm – I'm not sure I like the words 'one-night stand detox'."

"Just hear me out, okay? It all started with Ted – "

"You wanted to have a one-night stand with Ted?"

"_No_," Barney laughs, managing a smile. "Just listen. It all started when Ted started talking about lying and running a Vietnam War play to get some random twenty year-old into bed. For so many years that's something that _I_ used to do. I couldn't stop my mind from coming up with a scenario for what I would have done. It was a knee-jerk reaction, just something still ingrained in me. I hated myself for it because I love you and I only want to be with you," he promised, taking Robin's hand. "I didn't want to think about running a hypothetical play on some woman. But it was like the very last vestiges of that old lifestyle kicking up one final time. I figured that after years of one-night stand plays my body must be experiencing withdrawal symptoms and that's why I had these thoughts. I became obsessed with exorcising them, but in the meantime I thought Ted could be my patch like smokers use to help get them through detox, so I begged him to sleep with this woman on my behalf."

Robin makes a face at that. She really is trying to hear him out but she can't help finding that disturbing.

"I know that sounds bad," Barney jumps to explain. "That's why even though it was all hypothetical – I'd never even met this woman, I had no intentions of sleeping with her myself, and she turned out to be my _sister_ – I still felt guilty about it. I didn't want to be thinking any of those things. It was terrible. I – I get it now. Back when we were dating the first time, when I took Marshall to the strip club and you hated it….."

"Yeah, I remember," she replies sardonically.

"I told him back then that it didn't matter if you had fantasies about other women so long as you didn't act on them, and I thought Marshall was crazy for saying that he still felt like he was betraying Lily simply by having the thoughts at all. But I know what he meant now," Barney quietly professes. "I didn't _want_ to experience any sort of nostalgia for what I would have done. I was tortured by it. I convinced myself that if Ted would just sleep with this woman – finish the play and have the one-night stand – and then tell me about it, it would knock out any hypothetical thoughts and get me though the withdrawal. But then Ted did sleep with her and it was _Carly_. And that's what led me to this breakthrough," he announces momentously. "Do you know I tried to make Ted marry my sister?"

She looks at him wide-eyed because that's outrageous even for him – especially trying to force _marriage_ on others. "You did?"

"Mm-hm. There's leftover wedding cake in the fridge."

"That's crazy," Robin laughs.

"I just – I already knew one-night stands weren't what _I_ wanted anymore. I love you and I _only_ want to be with you," he reiterates yet again lest she get the wrong idea. "But I don't want my sister out there having one-night stands either. I thought if Ted married her it would erase that and make it into something more than what it was. Because one-night stands….they _are_ empty and meaningless and cheap. I was just saying that before because I felt like I should, but now I know I really do mean it. When I found out it was my sister in those pictures, my sister that Ted banged for the sake of banging, it was horrifying. I didn't analyze it or try to make myself feel any certain way. It was just a gut instinct. It reminded me of the _reality_ of one-night stands. The dark, dirty side – and not the good kind of dirty like you like it. Like last week when we – "

"Barney," she stops him before he goes too far off on the tangent she can see in his excited eyes. "You had a point."

"Yes, and it's this: seeing Ted out there acting the way that I used to act only with _Carly_ made me think about what it was really like doing those things, and that took any trace of nostalgia out of it. One-night stands aren't something to miss on any level. They're something to be ashamed of nine times out of ten. I tried to explain all that to Ted to get him to marry Carly and that's when I realized I wasn't going through one-night stand withdrawal anymore – if I ever actually was. I think one-night stands are disgusting."

"Wow, Barney….That's a pretty all-encompassing declaration." Barney Stinson saying that one-night stands are "disgusting" was something she never thought she'd hear. That's why it seems most likely that he's still overplaying it for her benefit. "Look, I appreciate what you're saying to spare my feelings, but I don't need you to lie to me about how you feel. I know you loved sleeping around. You lived for one-night stands."

"But that's just it, I'm _not_ lying, Robin. I'm really not," Barney swears. "So maybe one-night stands aren't the scourge of our existence. That's not what I'm saying. They can be fun in the moment, and they're okay from time to time for someone like Ted who's got no one and nothing else more to reach for anyway. But one-night stands _are_ disgusting. Cheap sex with a stranger is always going to be a little bit disgusting on some level. A one-night stand may be the best Ted has to hope for, but _I _don't remotely – even hypothetically – feel an impulse towards that myself because I know there's a world of something better out there. And I've got it with you."

He shifts on the bed so he can face her completely. "When I'm with you, Robin, when we're together, sometimes it's tender and intimate, and sometimes we do something completely depraved – like New Year's Day when I put the – "

"Okay, Barney," she interrupts just as he's starting to make hand gestures.

"The point is, with us, whether it's loving and sweet or dirty and depraved it is _never_ meaningless. It's always sexually satisfying but it's emotionally satisfying too. And afterwards, instead of regretting what I just did and feeling empty and more broken than ever before, instead of lying about my next 'mission' or sneaking out a window in the middle of the night, I get to have you cuddle up to me. I get to hold you in my arms and we get to just lie here together and tell each other things we don't tell anyone else. One-night stands can't even begin to compare to that. All they do is cheat people out of experiencing something deep and profound like we have. And what we have, it's _all_ I want – in reality, in fantasy, hypothetically, or in practice. You are the only woman I see."

Robin smiles and kisses him softly. "You're the only man I see," she reciprocates.

There were parts of his story that were a little disturbing, but all-in-all he seems to have come out of the experience more solid and sure in their relationship than ever before, just like she did with this whole ring thing. And as hard as it is to hear him talk about having hypothetical thoughts about another woman and running plays, it's not something he should be tortured by. You can't control your every thought and impulse.

"But, Barney, as difficult as it is for me to say this – and let me be clear, _in no way_ is this giving you any license – it's normal to have a random sexual thought about someone else from time to time. That's going to happen. It happens with Lily all the time, and Marshall too, I'm sure. And if _I_ see an attractive guy like….oh, let's call him Muscles – because no one really knows his name but he comes into the coffee shop in the World Wide News lobby every weekday at 10 a.m. sharp – well, I'm not dead. I'm gonna notice his – " Seeing the aghast look on Barney's face, she stops herself. "What I'm saying is hypothetical thoughts like that are no one's fault. They don't make you a bad person. It's what you do with them that counts."

"I know, but it was more than that. That's where the breakthrough comes in. Because I never _again_ have to be afraid of this theoretical one-night stand withdrawal….." He hesitates, unsure if he should really admit this next part. He doesn't want to upset her or make her mad, but he also wants her to understand the full breadth of it. "The reason I was so tortured by this is because when Ted and his play and his stories kicked in that nostalgia….maybe I was a little bit worried that what everyone always said about me might be true: that I'm monogamously challenged, forever Barney Stinson the Horndog. Not that I would ever cheat on you either way," he rushes to clarify. "But this proved them all wrong. It's not that I _choose_ to be with you against other deep-seated instincts that will never quite go away. Now I know those hidden instincts that I'm supposedly going to have to fight don't exist. There's not even a tiny part of me that would still want that old lifestyle. I am one hundred percent a one-woman man." He stops and smirks. "Well, you know, if _you're_ that woman."

Robin nods, smiling. It's not exactly a Hallmark sentiment, but she'll take it. Being the one and only woman capable of taming Barney Stinson is quite the honor.

"And now if a thought about someone else pops up in my mind – and in a few more months it'll be sundress season so that's probably gonna happen – I won't have to panic or obsess or get paranoid. I'll just have it and then it's done. Sort of like with you with Muscles the Coffee Drinker," he glowers.

Robin laughs, scotching in closer. "I'm really glad you told me about this, Barney. You could have easily not, but you opened up to me. That means a lot." She rewards him with a kiss, this one longer and full of promise. "The last vestiges of your old self, huh?"

"Yeah, but he's dead and gone now; I swear."

"No, I – I get that. We went from being single to together forever – and neither one of us has ever done 'forever'. There was a time when we _never_ thought we would. Both of us have been used to being single or only in relationships temporary. 'Forever' is bound to have a learning curve…."

And that's when Robin decides to tell Barney the truth about _her_ little freak-out. "While you were going through your 'detox', I was going through something of my own. Remember how I told you the engagement ring makes me invisible to other guys? It goes beyond that. Now that I'm wearing this rock of yours that advertises I'm never gonna bang anyone else, it makes me into a waste of space in the eyes of all other men. I kept telling myself I love you so it's worth it, but I was honestly afraid that maybe I _needed_ their appreciation and all the perks it gave me. You say you felt nostalgia for one-night stand plays. Well I felt nostalgia for my hot girl days when I could get any guy to do anything I wanted with just a smile. Hey, maybe I was going through visibility – no, _attention_ – withdrawal. You'd be surprised how deeply it upset me. I mean, to walk down the street and be totally ignored – "

"Robin," Barney interrupts, "even engaged, even married, I can't believe you would ever be totally ignored. Maybe guys aren't jumping to buy you a drink anymore – and I'm glad for that, by the way," he inserts with an unmistakably hint of jealousy, "but I'm sure they're still looking. How could a guy _not_ look at you?" he asks incredulously.

"Thank you for that," Robin smiles. "But, no, I've been completely invisible. And my breakthrough came in realizing that the attention you show me is _way_ better than free coffee and cuts in line and a little unapologetic groping from pervy strangers."

"_What_?" Barney frowns.

"Because _you_ are the only one who counts," Robin continues on. "I love you. You're the only one I see and the only one I ever need to be seen by. So if I'm invisible to everyone else then so be it. Having _your_ love is the only thing that matters to me."

"That's good. Because your love is the only thing that matters to me." He smiles, kissing her. "Now what's this about you being groped by strangers?"

"Just some guy who tried to cop a feel outside the bar and then apologized for it when he saw I was wearing ring. It's nothing. I had in under control," she says, wiggling down to lie flat in the bed. "So does this mean we've now become one of these couples who tell each other everything?"

Barney shrugs, lying down beside her. "The important stuff, I guess."

She thinks about it a second and determines, "I like that." Rolling onto her side, she drapes her arm across his bare chest. "I missed you these last two nights."

"I missed you too," he replies, turning to nuzzle his face into her neck.

"But all of this 'detox'.….are you sure you're not just bored with me already?" she asks, and he can tell by her quiet, small tone of voice that at least a part of her truly fears that.

"Are you kidding?" he scoffs, gathering her closer in his arms. "Not only do I love you but, Robin, you are the most smokin' hot woman." He starts stroking along her curves through the thin cotton of her t-shirt and pajama pants. "It would be _impossible_ to be bored with you." Moving his hand down to her behind, he squeezes it, using the leverage to press her pelvis into his. He lets out a soft sound, part moan and part sigh, at the intimate contact. "No one affects me the way you do."

And she can steadily feel that. "No. You are definitely not bored with me."

"Nope."

Robin laughs as he maneuvers her so she's on her back and he's leaning over her. "How about we do a little emotional and sexual satisfying of each other?" he proposes, wriggling his eyebrow suggestively at her.

She smiles. "You read my mind."

He kisses her and it doesn't take long for the passion to swiftly escalate after their first two nights apart. Barney starts to kiss a trail down her neck and Robin turns her head to the side to better accommodate the wonderful things his mouth is doing when she happens to open her eyes right in line with the side of the headboard. "Do you think Ted bought it that we got rid of that?"

Barney looks up distractedly to see what she's talking up and his gaze connects with the headboard mounted lube dispenser, a patented design all his own, and he smirks. "Our friends know us too well, so probably not."

"To be on the safe side we really do need to take it down and at least put it in the drawer."

"Okay, if that's what you want," he allows, "but just remember, you still lived with Ted when we were together before. He already knows we have tons of sex – _c-raa-zy_ sex."

"_Yeah_, we do." He kisses her lips again just long enough to get them both hot and bothered before his mouth goes journeying back down her neck, lower this time as he starts to pull her shirt down. "So you've finally admitted one-night stands are cheap and disgusting….." she says suddenly.

He halts what he's doing, sensing a trap in this somewhere. "Yes, they are," he upholds cautiously but sincerely.

All at once she rolls on top of him. Before he can react to that beyond reaching for her, she sits up, grasping the hem of her t-shirt and pulling it up and over her head. Holding his eye contact, she wiggles out of her pajama bottoms and underwear and then leans back down to lie flat on top of him, her hair spilling down around them and forming a curtain as she holds her mouth just inches above his. "So let's have a meaningful, beautiful, completely committed one of many nights together from now until forever….where we absolutely go to town on each other."

Barney grins. "How is it possible to _still_ love you more?"

Robin laughs as she presses her mouth to his.


	39. 815

**AN**: I made some assumptions in this chapter about Robin's teenage ex-boyfriends. We know from "First Time in New York" how Robin lost her virginity, but all they label it as is when she was 16, so it doesn't help much about putting it on the timeline of her music career. We can see she had the blonde Robin Sparkles hair in that flashback but she also had braces still on her teeth which are gone by the time of "Let's Go to the Mall" and "Sandcastles In The Sand" (meaning her time with Simon). The logical conclusion I made is that the ex-boyfriend Brian must have come before Simon or any of her Robin Sparkles music career days. In fact she didn't even have braces when she did _Space Teens_, which is supposed to be the thing that came before them all. So I really feel like the Brian incident had to be very early on in that time period, probably immediately after she'd just turned 16.

* * *

><p><strong>P.S. I Love You<strong>

Barney and Robin are sitting closely together on the couch at Marshall and Lily's apartment, relaxing on a late Sunday afternoon while Marvin naps and Ted tells the gang about this new, supposedly perfect girl he's dating. They first met on the subway and then lost track of each other but she hunted him down outside his classroom. Ted calls it a "meet cute" but Lily views it as a "stalk crazy", which starts the debate.

"There's a fine line between love and insanity," Ted doggedly declares, and Robin taps her fingers on Barney's knee uneasily. All this talk of crazy stalkers makes her uncomfortable.

It escalates when Ted takes his role as Barney's protégé even further from merely running plays to inventing convoluted theories of his own which he then introduces to the group. This one is called The Dobler/Dahmer Theory. As Ted describes it, it goes a little something like this: if both people are into each other a big romantic gesture works. But if one person _isn't_ into the other then that same gesture comes off 'serial killer crazy'. "Whether a gesture is charming or alarming depends on how it's received," he reasons.

Robin supposes there _is_ truth in what Ted's saying. Ted scared her off at first because she wasn't as into him as he was her, and she did the same thing to Paul Shaffer years ago when he had no romantic interest in a teenage girl. And it's probably the truest of all in the case of Barney's final play to get her to marry him. "The Robin" would have seemed sociopathic and intensely creepy – weeks of elaborate lies, exploitation, and manipulation – if she hadn't been in love with him too. So The Dobler/Dahmer Theory does get a pass in her book, but that doesn't mean she likes hearing the true S-word thrown around.

"Don't you think it's a little convenient how that fire alarm happened to randomly go off?" Marshall poses.

"What are you saying?" Ted asks.

"Ted, does she have enormous cans?" Barney butts in, and Robin looks over at him with narrowed eyes.

"No," Ted verifies.

"Then what we're saying is she's a crazy stalker bitch who pulled that fire alarm and you should run screaming."

Robin tut-tuts at Barney – and it's not even over the fact that big boobs would have made it okay in his mind but just the very idea that someone is a "crazy stalker bitch" if they have feelings that aren't returned. Just because someone might want to change a person's mind does _not_ make them a legitimate stalker. Even writing a few letters and going to sit outside a person's house once doesn't make them a stalker either. Ted of all people should agree with that. Someone can become infatuated and even a bit fixated, but that doesn't mean they're crazy and unstable.

But Robin knows her friends enough to be well aware that if these guys ever find out the truth about her past she'll never hear the end of it. Plus it's just plain embarrassing. She was still an immature kid at the time. Paul Shaffer was cool. Every Canadian teenager knew that. With his albums and his history in musicals and _Saturday Night Live_, and of course on _Letterman_, he's an impressive man. And significantly older than her, which seemed all the more significant at the time since she was only sixteen. She craved Paul's respect, admiration, love, and simply his recognition…..and now that she really thinks about it perhaps there were some daddy issues rolled up into that…..But the point is it was a perfectly harmless teenage crush that got a little out of hand after he ignored her. She was _not_ crazy, nor did she truly ever "stalk" him.

"Okay, you know what," Robin stops them, "I don't think that we should be so cavalier with the world 'stalker'."

Barney looks at her, suddenly concerned. Her wide-eyed cageyness and discomfort are a dead giveaway. This has obviously struck a nerve with Robin. "Why does that word bother you so much?" he asks, studying her carefully. Something's up here. He wants to know what has got her so upset.

Leave it to Barney to see right through her, but Robin scoffs in response and tries to play it off, faking a smile. She can't let them find out about this. "Doesn't bother me," she asserts.

Her continued evasiveness raises even further red flags. She's trying to keep this from him and the question is why? Then a frightening thought occurs to him. Robin's in television journalism. She's constantly in the public eye – and no matter what she says about her engagement ring she's still a stunningly beautiful, amazing woman that men everywhere notice. He can't even sit here through this casual conversation without having his arm slung around her so his hand can softly cup her shoulder, using every opportunity he can find to touch her. It would be very easy for some psycho pervert to become obsessed with her and want that too. "Wait. Do you _have_ a stalker?"

Barney pins her with the question and Robin blinks and looks away. This could be her ticket out of it, to just lie and say she does, but his face is already etched in concern. It would be too cruel to make him worry about her safety that way. And they promised honesty in their relationship this time around. She doesn't want any deceit between them. Omission is one thing, but she can't outright lie. Instead she tries shutting down and putting up a protective wall. "I don't want to talk about this."

Now Robin's being wary _and_ guarded. Barney knows this must be serious. He's actually somewhat alarmed. "What do you mean? As your fiancé, if you have some psycho stalker out there I should know."

And with that Robin realizes he's not going to just let this go – and rightfully so if he really thinks she's in danger. But she can't help being at least a little annoyed that she doesn't want to admit the truth and this is going to force her hand. She closes her eyes, sighing deeply. "It was _me_." Barney's eyebrows raise a full inch in surprise as she admits, "_I_ was the stalker."

She's dreading telling them all this, but there it is and there's no way out now. "It was back in Canada. I liked a guy and he didn't like me."

Barney listens raptly with a shaken expression on his face and a growing sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"And….well….I got a little obsessed," Robin admits. "I'd fill up my journals all about him."

Barney scowls, his jaw setting and his lip curling in agitation at the thought of Robin – even over a decade ago – so in love with some other guy that she was pining and obsessing over him. His breathing starts to speed up and become shallow in his tension as he ponders this other man who meant so much to her that she became a stalker.

"And eventually there may have been a teensy, weensy fifty meter restraining order," Robin finishes, trying to rush through that last part nonchalantly. But she knows it's no use and immediately lowers her eyes, waiting for the onslaught.

Blind envy hits Barney full force. He thought he was the only guy who Robin ever truly, deeply, passionately loved. Whatever happened to "I love you more than I've ever loved anything, more than I even knew was possible"? Apparently not if she was once _that_ obsessed over someone else.

It makes him desperate to smash some electronic devise, but since that's not really an option what it makes him do instead is lash out in jealous resentment. "Fifty meters? That's like four years. Wow. You must've been a total…nutbag," he derides. Because it's infinitely preferable to label Robin's actions as 'crazy' in his mind so he won't have to own the difficult truth that she once felt so strongly for another man.

_You must've been a total nutbag_. That's what everyone said at the time. It's a sensitive subject for Robin, and rather than continuing to recline against his arm lazily she sits up washboard straight in offense. "I _wasn't_." Her transformation into Robin Daggers wasn't even about her girlish Paul Shaffer infatuation, not really. She was simply ready to shed her squeaky clean Robin Sparkles imagine. That's not how she felt inside anymore. Truthfully, she _never_ did. She tried to, but she just couldn't fake it anymore. Between her dad, and Brian, and Simon, and now Paul, she felt dark and jaded and she wanted to let it show. Paul Shaffer's rejection was just the last one, the final straw, so he took the full hit of it. The fact that he too couldn't return her affection set something off in her. "Ted is right. There's a fine line. Anyone can cross it and get obsessed," she insists, looking back to Barney adamantly.

"Yeah, if you're a total nutbag," he jeers, sticking to the self-protective position that she was a little bit off her rocker back then rather than face a world where she loved someone else that much.

But Barney soon starts wiggling his foot, perturbed to the point that it's making him twitchy, because despite his resolve to stick to the 'crazy' explanation he _has_ to know more about this man. His voice and entire body language shifts to defensive posturing as he asks contemptuously, "Now, ah….who's the guy?"

Uh, he just called her unstable and insane. That doesn't exactly inspire her into sharing mode. "I'm not telling you until you admit that this can happen to anybody," she says defensively.

Robin with an erratic, crazy stalker phase in her past is a far better alternative to the concept that _anyone_ who's in love can become obsessed….that would mean that Robin truly loved this other guy. "I'm not admitting that," Barney glares.

If that's what he's sticking with then Robin isn't opening up to him any further. "Fine. Forget it. I'm not telling you." She sits back against the couch again, ready to drop this disagreement, but he isn't getting any more of the story from her.

"Fine. Forgotten," he shoots back, ignoring the sting in his heart because she outright refuses to tell him, pushing down the hurt that this stalker man existed at all.

But green-eyed possessiveness has a firm grip on Barney's heart.

* * *

><p>Several hours later when Barney and Robin are on the way back to his apartment, the subject soon drifts back to Robin's obsession.<p>

"I can't believe you're not going to tell me," Barney says, turning to look at her in the darkness of the cab's backseat.

"I can't believe you won't just admit it can happen to anyone."

Caught in a stalemate, Barney sighs. He doesn't sincerely believe Robin is or ever was crazy. Ted's Dobler/Dahmer Theory is actually a sound one. The way she acted during the weeks of "The Robin" he found utterly adorable, not the slightest bit stalkerish or crazy. How behavior is viewed really does depend on if both parties are into each other. But thinking about Robin being so into this mystery guy, even if it was one-sided, is too disturbing to him. "Let's just let it go."

"Okay," Robin shrugs. It makes no difference to her if he ever knows who the subject of her crush was. Other than winning the argument and eradicating the label of 'crazy' he's put on her, she has no real interest in telling the story at all. "I wasn't the one who brought it up."

Barney frowns.

* * *

><p>Twenty-five minutes later, they've just gotten into the apartment. Robin kicks off her heels, preparing to settle in for the night. She's walking into the kitchen to get a drink when Barney can't take it any longer. "Just tell me who it was."<p>

"_No_. I'm not going to tell you."

"Because you're ashamed of what a total nutbag you were."

"No," she refutes, staring him down. "Because you haven't earned the right to know."

He takes several steps closer to her…..and that's when it starts to transform from the brink of a harmless argument into something else entirely.

"The right to know how crazy you were?" he responds, holding her heated gaze, challenging her as he continues to close the distance between them.

Robin is more than ready to let this competitiveness and the feelings running high fuel the sparks flying between them. She puts her hands to her hips, issuing a challenge of her own. "I dare you to call me crazy one more time."

Barney doesn't stop until he's just inches from her. "Tell me."

"Admit it," she counters.

He uses his body to press hers back against the refrigerator. "Never," he whispers.

From there it devolves into vigorous kisses and hands all over each other. With his suit coat and tie still on, Robin works at the buttons on his shirt so hard and fast that one goes flying to ricochet off the stovetop. But the loss of his beloved shirt, Victor, is totally worth it because a second later her fingers find bare skin. They work their way around and over his nipples and by the time she gets down to his abs Barney puts his hands to the backs of her thighs and lifts her. She immediately wraps her legs around his waist and he turns them around, walking the two steps across the kitchen to lay her down on the countertop.

"I'm not really mad," Robin confesses against his lips shortly after he's stripped them both of their pants.

"Neither am I," Barney reassures, kissing her vehemently.

It's passionate and heated and just a little bit rough, and somewhere in the middle Robin knocks her elbow on the facet but she doesn't even notice the pain – or it simply intensifies the pleasure. The sex is quick and intense and leaves them both panting afterwards as Robin holds Barney still bent over her, resting his forehead against the satin of her bra which they never even got around to taking off.

"Wow," Robin sighs. "That hasn't happened since the first time we dated."

Barney grins, making a guttural sound of laughing agreement as he pulls back, helping her up to a seated position. "All the yelling and smashing of plates." He shakes his head in fond memory. "I used to get turned on by the sound of breaking glass for a full year afterwards."

"Going at it right there in the fray meant I nearly got cut in some unmentionable places. Mmm…but the makeup sex was too hot to care," she hums, hoping down from the counter.

"Except this time we weren't really mad," he points out.

"And we weren't really fighting."

The fact that Robin chooses to walk through the living and down the hallway toward the bedroom still completely bottomless has Barney following hot on her heels. "We can pretend angry sex more often if you want….."

* * *

><p>That should have been the end of it, but Barney can't let it go. The thought of Robin being obsessed with some guy eats away at him, driving him mad.<p>

Early the next morning he gets dressed quietly, not wanting Robin to wake up and have the chance to stop him. Before he leaves he grabs Ted's drill, the yellow one Robin left at his place after she broke in to find _The Playbook_, because he's about to do a little breaking and entering of his own.

He knows that Robin used to keep journals religiously as a teenager. And ever since the day he tried to pay Katie $10,000 for one of them he also knows that Robin has them all safely in her possession now. She informed him of that fact years ago lest he try to bribe her sister again. They have to be in her apartment somewhere, and if he can only find them they will surely unlock the mystery of who Robin was obsessed with.

Once he gets inside her place Barney ransacks her bedroom, the most likely hiding place, and finally finds her old diaries in a bottom drawer. It's in the last one – the white one with the blazing red heart – that he finds his proof. And it's much worse than he'd ever anticipated.

_You are so beautiful_, it reads. _Someday I'll make you see me and we'll be together_. After that it's nothing but _P.S. I Love You_ written over and over again in pink ink across the pages.

_I love you_.

There it is then. Hundreds of 'I love you's, each one taunting him.

But Barney assures himself he's being ridiculous. He shouldn't care at all about who she was once obsessed with. Robin is _marrying_ him. She wants to be with _him_. He found accidental proof of just how much when he was searching her room for the diaries.

In her nightstand he noticed that the drawer liner wasn't glued down. There was no way she could be concealing full-size journals under there, but he was curious nonetheless and pulled it back to see what he might find. His curiosity grew when he hit upon a small piece of white paper. When he pulled it out and read it, he recognized it immediately. 'Boyfriend & Girlfriend' it said in his own handwriting. It was from that morning, over three years ago, when Lily locked them in Robin's old bedroom until they 'defined the relationship'.

The fact that Robin kept that little piece of paper all these years later speaks volumes. She loves him, and anything else is immaterial. He comforts himself with that fact all day at work.

And later that night the two of them have unbelievable, mind-blowing sex because he's still out to prove he's the only man on her mind.

"Barney," Robin gasps, completely blown away, "our sex is always amazing but that was….I don't even have words. You outdid yourself." She rolls over, draping her arm across his torso, her fingers sliding absently over his chest. "I screamed, I cried. I – I actually _cried_," she tells him, dumbfounded. "My body went into this whole separate state of nirvana and.…I think our souls might have merged for a minute there; it was definitely transcendent. That has to be the longest succession of orgasms on record. _Incredible_," she coos, snuggling further into his side.

Barney smiles at that. Her words are certainly a boost to his male ego. See, he thinks as he's stroking her spine. Robin loves him. She wants him. He obviously has the ability to please her. He has nothing to worry about.

Yet he can't seem to let this go or shake it from his mind. "Are you sure you don't want to tell me who this guy was?" he asks with perhaps just a touch of undignified pleading in his voice.

But she's already fallen asleep against him, satisfied and exhausted.

The thoughts continue to plague Barney throughout a virtually sleepless night. _Who is this guy? Who IS he? And why was Robin so obsessed with him?_ It's a maddening vexation that he can't turn off.

By dawn, after countless hours of tossing and turning, he realizes he'll never be able to rest until he gets some answers. He knows he's being irrational. Robin loves him and it shouldn't matter in the least who she was obsessed with ten years before they even met.

But it _does_ matter.

He has to know who this guy was and just what kind of relationship he had with Robin. How much of herself did she share with this man? Was she sleeping with him? Were they serious about each other? Is this a case of 'the one that got away' and she'd still be with this other guy if she could be? How much should he feel threatened by this mystery object of her obsession? He has to get all these answers so he can know exactly how much he needs to worry.

So Barney leaves a note for Robin, lying and telling her he had to go in to work early and he'll probably be really late – there's a big crisis that only he can handle and all that – and before he knows it he finds himself at the airport taking the first plane out to Vancouver where he sets up a stakeout at a Tim Horton's, naturally.

He got the names of Robin's teenage boyfriends from her diaries and used his considerable resources to contact them all and invite them to the coffee shop, lured in with the promise of free donuts which turns out to be shockingly effective bait.

Gordie is the first guy Barney meets with and he has to know right off the bat how long he dated Robin. Gordie describes it as just kid stuff and claims "it wasn't really dating" at all. That may be true, but he still has to know this next part.

Barney takes a deep breath, his left eye starting to tick as he asks the question, "Was Robin obsessed with you?" Could he be looking at the man who captured his fiancée's heart?

But Gordie finds the accusation laughable and refers him to Turk Grimsby, Robin's next boyfriend, instead.

Putting on all the swagger he can muster, Barney faces off with the man. "I hear Robin was obsessed with you?" It makes him a little crazier each time he has to pose the question.

"No," Turk laughs. "We only went out a few times. Barely know each other. All we talked about was her relationship with her mother, the gnawing feelings of inadequacy, all the horrible secrets on that side of the family. But, heck, you're her fiancé. You know all that, right?"

Barney's eyebrows furrow and an unsettled feeling envelops him. Because, no, he does not know all that, though he agrees that he should. The 'gnawing feelings of inadequacy' he's familiar with, in regard to Robin's father anyway. It doesn't take much guessing to figure out those extend to the mother who left her with a guy like that. But the truth is he barely knows anything about Robin's mom. She rarely talks about her at all – and certainly not any horrible secrets from _that_ side of the family. He thought _he_ had a dysfunctional childhood, but how terrible must Robin's childhood have been? He already knows plenty of horrible things from her dad's side. To have a slew more on her mom's side of the family is tragic. And it's undeniably concerning to him that this guy who describes himself as a virtual stranger to Robin, both then and now, knows more about it than he does. Of course he lies to the man and doesn't tell _him_ that.

After that Turk points him to the answer that should have been obvious all along: Simon. And Barney doesn't even have to track him down. The woman behind the counter knows someone who's knows his cousin who calls him. "Canada," Barney scoffs with a shake of his head.

When Simon does show up, looking as hideous as ever, Barney rolls his eyes to the heavens. "I should have known." For whatever reason Robin had it bad for this jerk and he has firsthand knowledge of the truth of that. Barney can't even look at him as he asks, "So how serious were you and Robin?"

It _must_ be Simon that she was obsessed with. It makes so much sense. He saw how googly-eyed Robin got when they dated those few times back in 2008. She cried on his shoulder after Simon dumped her again. It was the first time he'd ever seen Robin truly breakdown. At the time she tried to portray her teenage relationship with Simon as all very innocent and only lasting one week, but maybe she was downplaying it on purpose. Forget Brian, the gay ex-boyfriend who only splashed around in the shallow end. Maybe Simon _was_ the first one to dive all the way into the pool.

But Simon maintains the story of who Robin stalks goes back to the 1996 Grey Cup, which is apparently 'Canada's Super Bowl'. "Didn't you ever see _Robin Sparkles: Underneath the Tunes_ on MuchMusic?" he asks.

Barney grimaces at Canada's never ceasing incomprehensibility. "Again, I have to go with 'what in God's name is that'?"

"It's only Canada's VH1's _Behind the Music_. There's one all about Robin Sparkles. Tells you the whole story from A to Zed."

_An entire 'Behind the Music' on Robin Sparkles_?!

That's a veritable goldmine. It's hitting the billion dollar jackpot is what it is. Barney puts down his pen and pad of paper like what he just found out isn't extraordinarily epic, like he can actually maintain some level of decorum and composure, but he's freaking out on the inside. This is amazing, colossal. He's screaming with excitement inwardly. It's finally too much for him – IT'S ROBIN SPARKLES 4! – and he grabs his coat and goes manically running out of the Tim Horton's.

The first thing Barney does is rush to call his audiovisual guy, his tech guy, and his internet guy to hunt down this tape for him. They ultimately do, and he ends up having to drive an hour away to some obscure Canadian suburb where someone has an original VHS copy, but there's not even a single doubt that it was worthwhile trip.

He missed his original flight but he's finally able to catch an alternate evening flight out of Vancouver in time to arrive back in New York City shortly after eleven.

Robin's sitting on the couch in her pajamas when Barney comes through the door just before midnight.

"Hey," he greets her.

To the highly trained eyes of the woman who knows him well he looks tried and his suit is just ever so minutely rumpled like he's sat in it for a very long time, which he has; he texted her throughout the night about how he was still stuck at work. "Tough day, huh?"

"It had its moments." Finding the Robin Sparkles tape was certainly the highlight. Not only will that be just monumental to watch but it also should provide him with the answer to Robin's obsession, at least according to Simon anyway. But she can't ever know he flew all the way to Vancouver to find out.

"There's leftover Chinese takeout in the fridge if you're interested."

"No, thanks. I already ate on the plane." Robin gives him a curious look after his flub and Barney hurries to correct himself. "I mean I ate _something plain_ at work….that I grabbed to eat."

She's not so easily fooled, however, and she continues to eye him probingly. "Is there something going on in North Korea that I should know about?"

"You know all of that's classified."

"Hmm." She still doesn't entirely believe him, but she lets it go.

A half an hour later, fresh from his shower, Barney climbs into bed beside Robin, grabbing his phone off the nightstand and scrolling through his emails.

Meanwhile she just watches him. All day long her mind kept going back to the fabulous sex they had the night before. Not only was it incredible, it was so extremely focused on her. It was almost like Barney had something to prove. For a minute earlier that morning she wondered if he wasn't still caught up in getting her to tell him the name of the man she "stalked", but then she dismissed the thought because what could his plan be….to sex it out of her? To butter her up until she just let the name slip accidentally? Not likely and he knows it.

Whatever the explanation for it, their lovemaking last night has been on her mind. How could it not be? When something's that good you naturally want a repeat performance. Still, it's been a long day and he's obviously tired. Sex right now really couldn't live up to last night's, given the circumstances.

…..But he smells _amazing_….and the sheet's fallen down low to rest well beneath his navel as he continues to scroll through his phone….and she can't help herself. She _has_ to get at least a little something. She's barely seen him all day and she's about two seconds away from jumping him, invited or not.

"Do you really have to check your email now when you just got back from work?" she asks him, wanting to divert his attention elsewhere. Namely, to her.

He hasn't been to work at all and that's why he's checking what he missed, but she can't know that. "No, I guess not," he says distractedly as he skims through the last message. When he eventually looks up he finds Robin just staring at him intensely. "What?"

She shakes her head, looking away. "Just finish what you were doing."

Barney studies her closely, reading her, and that's when he sees it in her eyes. He smirks, nodding. "Ahhh. I get it. You wanna break yourself off a piece of the B-man," he winks.

"Well now not as much as before," she quips. "But yeah."

"We'll see about that," he replies amorously, tossing his phone onto the nightstand.

But Robin doesn't miss his stifled yawn. He reaches for her and she lets him pull her down into his arms but she's the one who starts trailing hot, openmouthed kisses down his neck. "Let's see if we can't wake Little Barney up." He starts to shift in the bed but she stops him, climbing on top to straddle him. "No, don't move a muscle," she whispers, pulling down his boxer briefs. "I got this."

After that Barney knows he should have nothing to worry about but it's still in the back of his mind, wondering about the identity of this man who Robin cared about enough to stalk. Just what was so special about this guy and what did Robin share together with him?

But he has the tape now – though good form dictates he wait until the others are there before he can watch it – so he's trying to calm down about all this, and he lets his body give in to fatigue and the haze of post-sex afterglow.

* * *

><p>The following afternoon Barney goes to Marshall and Lily's place armed with a rented one-man drum set and the newly discovered Robin Sparkles documentary. He knows all the others will be there except Robin, who has an appointment and will be busy for a least the next hour. She wouldn't want to watch the tape with them anyway. He had to beg andor force her to watch all of the past Sparkles material with them, and in this case she very likely might be upset with him for watching it at all because she'll view it as cheating if he finds out who she stalked this way. That's why watching it while she's busy at her appointment is the only sensible solution. What she doesn't know can't hurt her, right?

"Ladies and Gentleman," he announces suspensefully. "I have in my back pocket the answer to the question 'who was Robin obsessed with'? Hang on tight: it's Robin Sparkles 4, y'all!"

After the screaming and mayhem dies down, Barney pops in the tape and it's immediately rewarding. According to the narrator, Canada's sweetheart had a dark side that caused her to "throw her life away". And she released another song he had yet to hear of, "P.S. I Love You".

He instantly recognizes that phrase. It was written all over her teenage diary. _Now we're getting somewhere_, he thinks. But, rather than a tender love ballad, this new song is described as so dark that her label, Dominant Records, refused to release it. Thankfully, _Robin Sparkles: Underneath the Tunes_ was able to obtain the lost, rare music video.

He admonishes the others to be quiet as the video starts up. And there is his Robin….not looking very sparkly at all. Gone are the bleach blonde curls, jean jacket, and jelly bracelets, replaced by long pin-straight raven hair, jean cutoffs over black tights, dark makeup, a black choker, and blood-red lips. Her look is completely Goth, and the song itself isn't even pop but full-on grunge. Barney's mouth falls open in shock.

At first it's entertaining, amusing, and even somewhat titillating to see Robin dominated by a 90s style and raucous, alternative rock rather than 80s innocence and bubblegum pop.

Until she gets to the final verse of this song she wrote for the secret object of her obsession: _I'll never move on. It'll always be you. Every guy that I'm with, I'll be thinking of you. IF I GET MARRIED, HE'LL ALWAYS BE SECOND TO YOU. He'll always be second to you. _

"That's gotta feel good."

Barney looks over at Marshall. He's right; hearing that felt awful. But they can't know how much this is seriously killing him. He opens his mouth to say it's ridiculous that something Robin said when she was sixteen should matter now, but then Ted pats his back consolingly and he can see that they're _all_ thinking it. Maybe there really _is_ some validity to it then. He looks sullenly back to the TV as sixteen year-old Robin continues to sing, _I'll always be waiting for you_….._P.S. I love you_.

From there the documentary goes on to detail that it was at the Grey Cup halftime show, just like Simon told him, where it all came to a head and she killed her old Robin Sparkles identity in favor of Robin Daggers, this new grunge persona.

"But who was she singing those angry, obsessive lyrics about?" the documentary questions and Barney listens fixedly. One name comes up more than any other, the program insists, and it's that of one Mr. Alan Thicke.

It all clicks into place then. Given Robin's classic daddy issues, it makes perfect sense that she'd grow obsessed over Alan Thicke. He was the older guy, the father figure on her _Space Teens_ show.

Thinking of a man in his forties taking advantage of a young, impressionable but-already-developed-and-extremely-hot teenage Robin makes his blood boil. What a creep. He probably fooled around with her, promising her love and a relationship, but he was only after getting in her pants. He's seen the _Space Teens_ episodes. They're basically like porn. Clearly Thicke was a skeezy pervert to begin with and young Robin was ripe for the picking and far too easy to take advantage of.

By the time Barney shows up at Alan Thicke's door he's fuming, ready to rip him a new one even if he does usually avoid physical confrontations.

"How can I help you?" Alan asks. "Donut?" he offers politely.

Barney throws the box of donuts – jellies scattering everywhere – and grabs Thicke's arms, tossing him to the ground. Then, with a primal scream of anger, he brutally attacks the man.

Unfortunately he's always been a lover not a fighter, and even in his sixties Thicke soon gets the better of him. He's got him up in a headlock when Barney blurts out the whole truth. "I am engaged to Robin Scherbatsky and I know she wrote "P.S. I Love You" for you," he accuses, an edge of jealous hurt in his voice even after being punched in the eye and bested flat on the ground. "Now – now _why is she so obsessed with you_?" he asks, still trying to fight back against the man that he'll "always be second to".

"What?" Alan scorns. "That song's not about me."

And Barney has to face the realization that he just got beat up for nothing…..Maybe.

* * *

><p>Robin's shows up at Lily and Marshall's after her appointment because she knows the whole gang will be there, but surprisingly Barney is not. The others inform her he left without saying much about an hour ago.<p>

She shrugs, figuring he'll catch up to them eventually, and goes into the kitchen to grab a beer. When she's just coming back into the living room Barney comes bursting through the door half-limping, his shirt partially untucked and his left eye and cheekbone completely black and blue.

Robin goes to him immediately, filled with concern. "Whoa. What happened to you?" she asks, touching his arm. He's obviously hurt. Did he get jumped? Mugged? Is he alright?

He rounds on her straightaway. He knows the truth about her little obsession now – and it wasn't so very little and meaningless after all. _I'll never move on. It'll always be you._ _He'll always be second to you_ keeps ringing in his ears. "We watched _Robin Sparkles: Underneath the Tunes_ today," he informs her.

Robin freezes, her eyes going huge with shock. "Wait, _what_?"

Barney looks down, bracing himself for her wrath. It can't be worse than everything else he's been through today

But Robin's couldn't care in the least that they watched that trashy expose about her. Her Robin Sparkles past is no longer news to them and she has no real desire to keep it a secret from Barney. She just wanted him to admit she wasn't crazy. At the moment she's far too excited to care anyway because of the thrilling possibility that, "You guys get MuchMusic down here?"

Without answering her question Barney takes the beer bottle from her hand, unceremoniously stealing it and taking a long swig. Robin just wordlessly lets him have it. Long gone are the days of discomfort at sharing food and drinks. There isn't anything she wouldn't share with Barney. But as he tells her the story of how he attacked Alan Thicke, certain that he was the one her song was about, she can't help simultaneously shaking her head at him _and_ smiling, while at the same time sympathizing with his injury. There's something incredibly flattering in Barney Stinson risking damage to both his suit and his face to beat up a guy over her – or at least try to. But as flattering as it is, it's so ridiculously unnecessary. She follows him over to the couch, placing one hand on his arm again and the other resting comfortingly against his back.

"Alan Thicke kicked your ass," Lily laughs at him.

Barney closes his eyes. His humiliation is now complete.

More than likely it _was_ Thicke that Robin was singing about, and not only is Barney always going to be second best according to her song but now Thicke's actually shown his physical superiority too.

Robin just looks away, sighing. The others mocking him and rubbing it in is only going to make it worse for Barney. This situation right now isn't what she intended at all.

Barney turns back to her, incensed. "He lied, didn't he? IT WAS ALAN THICKE!" he pants in anger.

"_Wow_." This is really gnawing away at him, isn't it? She had no idea he would take it so seriously when it was a nothing more than a silly little crush that got out of hand and a song she wrote sixteen years ago. It means nothing to her now other than a time she looks back on with some embarrassment but most of all closure. However, it's clearly got Barney all upset….. And in an entirely unplanned way she's just completely proven her point. "It sounds like you've become a bit obsessed, huh, Barney?"

"I am _not_ obsessed," he upholds resolutely. "All I did was break into your apartment, and read your teenage journals, and fly to Vancouver to interrogate your ex-boyfriends, and fight beloved Canadian actor Alan Thicke." The more he catalogues his behavior the clearer it becomes that, yes, he is _very_ much obsessed with knowing Robin was once obsessed with some other mystery guy. But he still has some pride left in him and turns back to insist to Lily that the fight was "to a draw."

Hearing everything that Barney's done over the past few days ought to make her feel a little bit violated, but Robin's not even the least bit angry or upset. _Whether a gesture is charming or alarming depends on how it's received_, quoth Ted, and right now she is thoroughly charmed with Barney. She's nothing but impressed and touched that he'd go to such lengths and get so crazy with jealousy over something that happened years and years ago, before she even knew him. She places her hand gently on his shoulder as he sinks down onto the couch, defeated. "So, are you ready to admit it?"

Barney sighs, glancing up at her. She's right. Look at how jealousy overtook his mind and completely owned him ever since he found out about this. The truth is he's always had a jealousy issue where Robin is concerned. He once spent thousands of dollars on smashing TVs and then cleaned an entire apartment by hand, bought a refrigerator full of milk and a year's supply of stamps just to keep Robin from sleeping with Ted – not to mention how he stole Ted's moving van and begged Marshall to hire PJ away from Mosbius Designs all in an effort to foil the other men's relationships with Robin. "Anyone can get obsessed," he grants.

Robin smiles, patting his shoulder affectionately. That's all she wanted and he could have had his answer days ago. But she never meant for him to go through such heartache in between. "Thank you," she says soothingly. "And now I am ready to tell you who "P.S. I Love You" was about."

Once Barney finds out the truth – that it was just a "stereotypical" crush since, according to Robin, "every young Canadian girl fantasizes about Paul Shaffer" – he's astounded and instantly feels much less threatened. Paul Shaffer didn't have _any_ kind of relationship with her. They never even dated. It wasn't real at all.

Robin runs her fingers through Barney's hair just above his ear in the way she knows he likes. "You're not gonna go get beat up by Paul Shaffer now, are you?" she asks sweetly.

Barney scowls at the idea that he'd be so pathetic, but then gives up and owns it because if this had been an hour ago he certainly _would_ have hunted Paul Shaffer down. "I can't believe it," he laments. "I'm a total Dahmer."

Robin smooths her hand over his shoulders and back up to caress the back of his head and nape of his neck, treating him to all the reassuring physical affection she can pour out. "Yeah, but you're _my_ Dahmer, which makes you a Dobler."

She smiles down at him and he smiles back happily. He may be a Dahmer but as long as _she_ loves him than he'll always be her Dobler and his big romantic gestures – be they obsessively flying to Canada, beating up Alan Thicke, or writing and performing a month long _Playbook_ play to propose – will always be charming to her.

Robin puts her hands on Barney's face, cupping both cheeks, and they kiss tenderly.

There was a time that went on for far too many years where whenever Barney was hurting – from a slap to the face, or a father who'd abandoned him, or his friends turning their backs on him, prepared to let him lose his job – Robin _wanted_ to rush to him and comfort him and love him, but she couldn't. Comforting and loving him would be too revealing. It would be an open overture of what she was truly feeling inside, feelings she didn't think would be welcomed by him. And for those same years whenever Barney had to face Robin with another man he could never admit that it drove him wild with jealousy. He was forced to privately go out in an alley and shatter TVs to let out all that angst. Admitting the truth would have left him too vulnerable and put her in an awkward position he didn't believe she had any desire to be in.

But now that they're back together and on their way to being married, now that the truth is at last all out in the open, they are _never_ going back to that again. They're free to finally touch each other and kiss each other without the need to hold back or suppress – and they're going to be affectionate all over the place. The instant Robin sees Barney hurting she's going to rush to his side to soothe his pain, and Barney is going to openly accept all the comfort and reassurance she has to offer, basking in her affection.

Which is why as the others continue to talk about Jeanette and how Lily had actually arranged her first meeting with Marshall on purpose too, Barney and Robin pay them little mind. He just shifts closer to snuggle up against her and soak up some more of her love. And she gives it out freely, putting her arm around him and running her fingers continually through his hair as he leans against her breast, using the cold beer bottle as an icepack for his bruised cheek. With one arm across his shoulder and the other hand cupping his elbow where he's propping it against the arm rest, Robin hugs Barney completely, wrapping him up in her arms because that's what she's always wanted to do and he nestles in against her because that's right where he's always wanted to be.

When Barney sees Marshall and Lily kissing – after the reveal that Lily is Marshall's Dobler too – their display of love further touches him and he moves his hand to Robin's knee, laying back fully against her chest while she cradles his head, repeatedly stroking her fingers through his hair at the temple, both of them content to simply stay that way.

* * *

><p>On the cab ride back to his apartment Barney stays close to Robin, happy to be babied by her a little while longer. She keeps sifting her fingers through his hair in the darkness and he sighs, resting his temple against hers. "That feels so good. I love it when you do that."<p>

"I know; you told me," is her soft reply – and clearly why she keeps doing it; she _wants_ to make him feel good. She pulls back a moment to regard his injury, frowning. "If I would've just told you, this never would have happened. I'm sorry you got a black eye."

"I'm sorry I called you a total nutbag."

Robin smiles, kissing his wounded eye gingerly. "What else can I do to make you feel better?"

And that's how they end up back in his bedroom, about to fulfill Barney's request to lie on her naked breasts like a pillow while she strokes his hair.

"Come here," she offers, peeling back the covers and opening her arms to him as he climbs into bed, equally nude, and cozies up to her, laying his cheek against her chest while she begins caressing the nape of his neck.

It's a level of weakness and need he never would have allowed himself to show before but it feels good to let her love him this way and just to absorb it all. But there's something still keeping it from the perfection that it should be. He knows Robin loves him, and the object of her one-time teenage obsession wasn't even the result of a real relationship, but one particular comment of hers still plagues him: 'I feel bad that I scared Paul. He's _amazing'_. It was too fond for his liking.

Robin easily catches on to Barney's mood, knowing from his silence and the slight tension she feels in his body that something is continuing to bother him. "Are you still upset about the "P.S. I Love You" song? I told you who it was about. It was honestly nothing."

Barney lets out a heavy breath and Robin's sure now that she's hit it right on. "I know it's pathetic to let myself get obsessed this way, but you like knowing you're the only woman who could ever change me and make me truly fall in love. And I guess I liked the idea of being the only man who _you_ ever deeply loved and who could ever make you want all the things you thought you'd never want, like long-term commitment and marriage. And then I hear you were once obsessed with someone else to the point of needing a restraining order – and you swore that no matter who you might marry later in life that guy will always be second best."

"I was _sixteen_ when I said that, a decade away from even meeting you," she emphasizes, her fingers still playing in his soft blonde hair. "And I hadn't met Paul Shaffer either outside of one lone time in a very formal, strictly professional setting. It was just a silly celebrity crush. I didn't even know what real love was."

"I just want to be the _only_ man who's anywhere in your heart or on your mind. I know that makes me jealous and needy," he concedes in a small voice, turning his face further into her bosom, "but that's what I want."

"You _are_ the only man in my heart and on my mind. You always have been," Robin swears.

"Then how come only forty-five minutes ago you were still saying how amazing he is?"

"Barney, there's hardly a week that goes by that you're not talking to Ted or Marshall or even me about how amazing some actress or super model is. That doesn't mean you want to leave me for her, does it?"

"No, of course not. That's just talk."

"Exactly. I can think someone's amazing without having feelings for them. If you really want to talk about obsession," she says, toying with his ear lobe now, "_you're_ the one I've been obsessed with. Look at how completely insane I went when I thought you were dating Patrice. I hunted you down, trying everything I could to get you to sleep with me. I stripped on your doorstep, I broke into your apartment, I hid in your closet, and I tried to get your 'girlfriend' fired to get rid of her. It was literally the definition of fatal attraction. You would have had a restraining order against me too if you didn't feel the same way. I am a total Dahmer for you, Barney," Robins freely admits.

"No, you're my Dobler," Barney replies, nuzzling against her, his hands running over her ribcage.

"And do you want to know something else? I ran into Paul Shaffer again last year when I was on _Letterman_ after the whole helicopter thing. I said a polite 'hi'….and then I went back to my apartment and obsessed over you and Quinn for months. And let's not even get started on when you were dating Nora. I had her sent to another _continent_ just so I could have some time alone with you to try and steal you away. You, Barney, are my number one obsession that I can't ever get over," she tells him, winding one arm around his shoulder while the other hand still cradles the back of his head, her fingers buried in his hair. "And I don't ever want to."

She's right, and it seems all the more silly now to have gotten so upset over this. If anything the song just proves Robin's passionate nature….and that's something he's known quite well for a very long time. He's been intimately familiar with her passionate nature for years now – in a way that no one else ever has been if he does say so himself.

Barney begins to kiss her skin, at first soft and sweet. Then he opens his mouth over her breast for a deeper kiss, his lips heading toward her nipple.

"Feeling better?" Robin asks with laughter in her voice.

"Much better," he confirms, kissing her again.

"Good." She shifts in the bed, turning so they're lying side by side, facing each other. "Maybe now we can talk about how sexy you look with that black eye."

Barney grins, wrapping his arms around her. "I've been so caught up in this "P.S. I Love You" obsession I forgot how much fighting turns you on."

"Tell me everything that happened," she requests, breathy and obviously into it as she fingers his bruised cheekbone.

"It was an all-out brawl. Intense, violent, brutal," he says, fabricating and embellishing as he goes along. "But I'm not afraid to mix it up when your honor is at stake, and our future. I'm not gonna let some _Canadian_ steal you away from me." He pulls her knee up to his hip, stroking her thigh. "I just grabbed him at the door, flung him to the ground, and starting throwing punches."

"You're so manly and aggressive and virile, aren't you?" she sighs, hooking her leg completely over his waist now.

"Oh, I'll get down and dirty," he promises, sliding his hands to her hips and pulling her in closer. "Toss it up, hard and rough. I may have gotten this one little shiner but you should've seen him. I could've gone ten rounds easily." He starts describing the fight to her in detail until she gets so worked up she lunges on him, kissing him hungrily.

He's about to tell her in between kisses that he can be just as aggressive and virile and take control with her too but _she's_ the one already taking control, all over him like bees on honey. For all his talk of manly aggressiveness, she completely _owns_ him – and he's more than happy to let her have her way with him to their mutual satisfaction.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, Robin lets out a little mew of satisfaction, stretching and turning onto her side, propping up on her elbow. "I've needed to get that out of my system ever since I saw you at the door. And you certainly proved to be plenty virile."<p>

"Thanks, baby," Barney smiles, spooning up behind her, setting his chin to her shoulder and leaning his arm against her hip bone. "But I'm pretty sure you did most of the work. Black and blue is sexual catnip for you," he says, kissing her neck.

Robin laughs low and satisfied, craning her head around to press her lips to his. "I'm gonna throw on some clothes and go make some tea."

He watches her get up from beneath the covers and rifle through the dresser drawer, selecting sleep clothes for the night and slipping into them, and he's only a second behind, throwing on a pair of pajama bottoms and following her into the kitchen.

She turns to him in amazement while she fills up the kettle. "I still can't believe you went to Canada and hung out at Timmy's all day – _voluntarily_ and by yourself."

"Well, I wasn't exactly alone. It was me and all your ex-boyfriends."

"They must have thought you were nuts," she answers, putting the teapot on to boil.

"Not at all. I explained to them I was your fiancé and I wanted some quick information about how serious you two had been…._and_ if you might have stalked them. Just the usual stuff," he teases. "They were willing to tell me anything for a donut. Those guys really like donuts," Barney muses, mystified. "Actually, Simon was the one who – "

"You saw Simon?"

"Yeah."

"You thought _he_ was the one I was obsessed with?" She shakes her head at him.

"It made sense given your history, but Simon set me straight. He's still as charming as ever, BTW. I still can't believe you ever liked that dude," he says with a shudder.

"Hey, he didn't always look like that," Robin defends. "And I wouldn't mock it too much. My history with Simon led to _our_ history."

"Yes, it did," Barney agrees. "And for that I'm glad the guy dumped you – even though you totally should have been the dumper and not the dumpee. But his dumping you both times, especially that second time, made it so that _I_ could be there to scoop you up. Or, you know, I could be there for you to jump up on it, as it more accurately went."

"I did not jump you."

"Yes, you did. But I jumped on you too. We had it both ways. Literally. We took turns being on top that night, remember?"

Robin bites her lip, smiling slyly at the recalled images. "I remember."

"It was a mutual jumping. But you did lean in to kiss me first," Barney upholds.

The kettle goes off then and she stops it, pouring their drinks. "You're saying that _I_ made the first move?"

"I knew better than to try something without an opening from you after you kept turning me down. Plus a bro doesn't take advantage of another bro when she's down…..unless she's asking for it."

"So maybe I did make the first move that night," she allows, handing him his mug. "But you made the _first_ first move, way back when we went to laser tag those few months after we met."

"Oh, I definitely made the first first move, and not just the night we originally broed out. I must've put the moves on you – and flat-out propositioned you – about a million times after you broke up with Ted. I knew you'd succumb to me eventually, but it's good to finally hear you admit our first time together only happened after _you_ started it."

"It was a moment of weakness. I'd wanted you for a long time but I kept holding out because of what the group would say, and because I didn't want to ruin our friendship. And I was already terrified of what I felt for you," she admits. "But I was feeling vulnerable that night, and you'd been so nice to me, and – yeah, I was _long_ past ready to jump up on it. So I did."

"And I thank you," Barney smirks, sipping from his mug. "But _I'll_ admit that if it hadn't been you starting it that night I would've started it myself some other night very soon after."

"Ted would say that everything happened exactly how and when it was supposed to happen," Robin reflects. "The right timing and destiny and all that."

"Well I like where destiny took us, so here's to her," Barney offers up a toast. She clinks her mug with his and they both smile and take a sip.

But there's still one other thing hanging about unanswered and now that they're talking about the past and Robin's ex-boyfriends it seems as good a time as any to get into it. Besides, when there's something bothering one of them they're supposed to talk about it; that was the rule. And ever since Robin's ex with the unfortunate mullet brought it up it's been a niggling worry in the back of his mind. "Why don't you ever talk about your mom?"

Robin looks at him oddly. "That's kind of out of left field."

"Not really. One of your exes, Tirk Grimsby, said you two only went out a few times and you barely knew each other but you told him everything about your relationship with her mom, and I quote," Barney remembers, "'all the horrible secrets on that side of the family'. And then he said as your fiancé of course I already know all that. I just lied and said I did, but why is it that you'd talk to _him_ about that stuff and not me? I mean the guy has a point; I _am_ your fiancé. It made me feel like he gets to know things about you that I'm somehow not good enough to be let in on."

Robin sets her mug down to put her hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry you felt that way. But that's not what it is at all." She stops to think about it a moment, why it is that she's always so tight-lipped about her mom, because she really hasn't been purposefully keeping Barney in the dark. "I guess I don't really talk about it because it doesn't matter anymore. It did back when I was a teenager, but now I have my own separate life."

"Do you really believe that? That what happened to you in your childhood doesn't matter as an adult? This is me you're talking to, Robin. I think we both know that's not true. The two of us are experts on crappy childhoods messing up our lives. "

"Okay, you're right. It doesn't matter _as much_ now as it used to, but it does still matter…..Maybe I don't talk about it for the same reason that you used to pretend Bob Barker was your father. Sometimes it's easier to live the lie than to accept reality."

Barney pulls her into his embrace, kissing her lightly. "I understand that," he nods. "I'm just sorry that you do too."

"I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but when I am you'll be the one I come to," Robin promises. "I'll tell you what, let's put this whole thing behind us and tomorrow we can spend the day in bed while I'll take care of your eye. We'll get you back to your crazy handsome self in no time."

"Uh-uh. No way. I'm milking this sexual catnip for all its worth."

"Okay," Robin shrugs. "But we'll spend the day in bed either way," she winks, kissing him.

"What do you want to do now?" Barney asks, because it's barely after ten and way too early to go to sleep.

"How about a _Walking Dead_ marathon on the bedroom TV, and afterwards we'll get to Round Two of our own private marathon?"

"My god, it's like you read my mind," Barney marvels. "But can we have popcorn?" he asks in a hopeful little voice.

"I'll make it right now," Robin laughs.

After that Barney forgets all about her Robin Daggers song except to continue to admire the never-ending awesomeness of his fiancée – which he does on his Facebook page, sharing the link to Robin's no-longer-lost video with the world along with the comment that "My fiancée is way more awesome than your fiancée."

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I don't know if anyone remembers but the section where Barney finds their old 'Boyfriend & Girlfriend' paper hidden in Robin's drawer is a callback to a section from my chapter for "Farhampton".


	40. 816

**Bad Crazy**

* * *

><p>With just three months until their wedding, the subject of living arrangements is something that Robin and Barney have yet to broach. She spends every night at his apartment and most of her stuff is already there, certainly the bulk of her clothing and personal belongings, and it's not that she would mind giving up her apartment but she has definite reservations about permanently living in his. But on the rare occasion she does go back to her place to get something she has visions of finding it transformed into some kind of restaurant a la Lily's old apartment.<p>

With everything up in the air it's something of a tricky subject, increased by the fact that Robin is for all intents and purposes living with Barney but she's not yet "officially" living there. The apartment _feels_ like it's their joint living space, but technically it's still legally his and she still legally has her own. It's a grey area that goes undiscussed, especially since Robin does still rent her apartment which means all of her major belongings, like furniture and decorations, are back at her place and Barney's apartment looks the same as it always did – in other words, one hundred percent all him and one hundred percent still a 'bachelor pad'.

But for now at least they've worked out an arrangement of sorts over the issue of what goes _in_ to the apartment – who decides that, how the choice is made, and what happens if there's a disagreement over what stays and what goes. They fell into the agreement gradually and quite accidently after the issue first came up last month. It's a thorny area for most couples and just the sort of thing that leads to fighting, but like it or not Robin and Barney were inadvertently thrown into just such a position when Barney came home on a Friday in late January laden with the latest video game system, wireless controllers, and a slew of immersive war games…..

***Flashback***

Staring at the armload of video game paraphernalia her fiancé is carrying, Robin is dismayed to say the least. It is literally the last thing she wants in the apartment and she's at a crossroads: tell him that and it leads to a fight, or say nothing and it becomes the first of many times he'll have his way over hers. She really doesn't want either option. She doesn't want to be a nagging wife who is always telling him what he has to do, but she also doesn't want to be run roughshod over.

In choosing her next words very carefully at first she says nothing at all and Barney mistakes her silence for stunned speechlessness. "I know. It's awesome," he gushes excitedly. "I'm gonna set it up right now."

Despite her reservations, Robin knows she has to speak up quickly before this escalates. Taking a deep breath, she steps into the fray cautiously. "Barney, are you sure that's something we really want here?"

And that's when he gets the first indication that they're about to have a domestic quarrel. "Yes. Why wouldn't we?"

"For one thing, the guys are going to be over here constantly."

"Yeah," he shrugs, failing to see the point. "I bought enough controllers for everyone."

"I don't want the apartment becoming some kind of frat house," she argues. "And even when they're not here _you're_ going to be playing it twenty four/seven."

"I _want_ to play it. That's why I bought it," he counters.

"Look," Robin sighs, laying it out there bare, "I don't want us to have that in the apartment."

Barney purses his lips. This sort of thing was never an issue with Quinn. When he was living with her he had his way and that was that. He didn't much care for her feelings on the subject and as long as she didn't make World War III out of it and let him have his way everything was fine. But with Robin it's different. He wants her to feel comfortable here. He doesn't want to be selfish with her. Her happiness has always been his number one concern. But, at the same time, marriage is a partnership and _his_ wants and opinions should have consideration too. "Well….I do want it here," he says carefully.

It's a standoff and one of three things is going to happen: they start fighting about it, someone gives in, or they walk away and call it a draw, not resolving the issue at all – which is what they always did when they dated before and why nothing ever got settled between them but just kept festering beneath the surface.

Robin exhales sharply. There is no easy way out of this. It's one of the main drawbacks when both partners in the relationship have stubborn, passionate personalities. She could put her foot down but then Barney will be angry and pout, or she could let him have his way and then _she'll_ be angry. Either way there is going to be an underlying hostility about it. "Just do what you want," she tells him, walking away into the bedroom.

Barney can tell she's not thrilled about it, but he takes her words as a sign that she's giving over to him on this and granting her permission to let it stay in the apartment. He figures he just has to give her some time – and promptly takes to setting up the game unit. As soon as she sees how awesome it is she'll change her mind, he's sure of it….and if not, then he'll have something to play while they fight.

In the bedroom, Robin is already busy thinking of ways to take down that console. Marriage is supposed to be a cooperative partnership, and that means neither one of them can simply have his or her way at the expense of the other. It has to be joint decisions, mutually agreed upon by both of them – and since she is never going to agree that it's a good thing to have a video game system in the apartment she's somehow going to have to get Barney to come around to her way of thinking on this.

Lily and Marshall's marriage is the most stable relationship that she knows, but at this point Lily just flat out tells Marshall what he is and is not allowed to keep and, astonishingly, that works for them. Barney loves her, yes, but Robin's not sure that simply telling him how it's going to be would even work with him. And then it goes back to not wanting to be the bossy, nagging wife.

No, what she's got to do is find some way to convince Barney that a video game system in the apartment is a bad idea and get him to agree to its removal of his own free will. Then it works out for everyone; no one is the bad guy and no one feels taken advantage of.

Brainstorming a way to change his mind, it takes Robin all of two seconds to come to the conclusion that nothing wins Barney over like sex. But this wouldn't be getting naked to avoid an argument; that's a very careful distinction in her mind. It would be getting naked to _settle_ the argument not dodge it, to show him that they can have fun all on their own and the presence of a game system will only hinder that.

She walks out into the living room and finds him already playing a game on the enormous TV, completely engrossed. "Barney?" she says, laying on the charm in her voice already.

"Hmm?" he mumbles, never looking away from the screen.

"I've been thinking. If you're spending all your time playing that game then you and I are never going to be able to – " She breaks off as he determinedly kills an enemy solider. "Barney? Are you listening?"

"Yeah."

But he's clearly not, and she tests it out. "Everything you've ever said about _Space Teens_ is true. I'm talking hardcore, girl-on-girl, two beaver action happening in the dressing rooms all the time."

"Yeah, yeah. That's great."

Robin lets out a frustrated breath, shaking her head. This is exactly what she was afraid would happen. It's time to pull out the big guns. Standing behind the couch, she starts stripping naked, shedding her shirt, pants, bra and underwear. "Barney," she cajoles.

"Mm-hmm," he answers, still oblivious.

So she goes to stand directly in front of him, not exactly blocking the entire huge screen but definitely offering him a far superior view.

"Ro-" he starts to complain, but when he sees that she's naked the protest dies on his tongue and his gaze slides intently over her body.

"I was thinking, instead of that machine you might want to come play with me. Instead of that plastic controller you might want to tweak these knobs," Robin entices, cupping her breasts. "And press this button," she invites, sliding her fingers down her belly and beyond, whimpering softly for effect.

Barney's eyes glaze over and the controller drops into his lap.

And that's how they end up rolling around in bed, the video game machine completely forgotten.

After they've both found their release, Barney flops over onto his back with a lazy, gratified grin pasted on his lips. Robin rolls onto her side, propping up to lean over him. "Do you see now why I don't want those games here? We have much more fun without them. I wouldn't want that to take away any time when we could be doing this," she says, bending to kiss his throat and scrape her teeth lightly over his neck the way she knows he likes. "Would you?"

"No. We need to keep doing that – like _all_ the time. You were spectacular," Barney admires, hooking his arm across her hip. "_So_ hot…..The way you just walked out naked and owned what you wanted. It was like I stepped into a porn."

Coming from his lips is the only way she'd consider that a compliment. "What I want is _you_," she discloses, draping her leg over his, "wanting _me_ instead of some stupid game."

"I – I guess I could keep it at Ted's," Barney suggests. "That way I could still play it sometimes, but when we're home we'd be free to do _it_ instead of doing that."

"Exactly. Yes. That's a great idea," Robin encourages, pressing her mouth to his.

***Flashback ends ***

Unbeknownst to them all at the time, that was the official start of Ted's apartment heading down the road to becoming both Barney's and Marshall's private man cave.

Once Marshall got wind that Barney was storing his game system at Ted's, he wanted to come play too. And then it gave him the idea to bring his own Space Invaders machine over after Lily rejected it; if only he'd had such an option back in the day Mabel would still be around.

Ted's apartment went a step further down that road when a similar dilemma came up between Barney and Robin again the following week. Robin was sitting on the couch watching TV when Barney walked through the door with a screen quality Boba Fett costume….

***Flashback***

This item she has no objections to based on time and attention. She just doesn't like it. "_Yeah_," Robin says as Barney puts it down in the corner of the living room. "I'm not really feeling that."

"But….it's Boba Fett," Barney reasons as if that's argument enough.

"Hm. But too bad there's no room for it in here."

"I thought maybe we could put it in the bedroom," he suggests, coming to sit beside her.

"Ah, no way. Not happening."

He knew that was a longshot anyway. "Then we can leave it right there," he advocates even though it does block the way out onto the balcony.

"Ehhh…..It just wouldn't look right with both of them in here."

"Robin, you can't be suggesting we get rid of the Stormtrooper," he replies, aghast. "The night you Stormtrooper suited up for me is one of my favorite times of us together. It still ranks up there as some of the best sex I've ever had anywhere."

Mentioning the Stormtrooper sex gives her an idea. It worked with the video game unit. All he needs is a similar enticement to see things her way again; meaning, when she likes the things _he_ does, he's really going to like the things _she_ does. "I feel like one life-sized Star Wars costume in the apartment is enough."

"It's not a costume. It's a – " But he stops short when she climbs onto his lap.

"The Stormtrooper stays," she agrees the moment before kissing him passionately. "But I think," she continues as her hands glide over his chest and loosen his tie, "the Boba Fett costume needs to go." She kisses him again, her tongue slipping into his mouth, sliding sweet and hot over his, before he has a chance to object.

When they finally come up for air his mind is clouded and her fingers are in his hair and his hands are already down the back of her pants and it's hard to think and he's just plain hard, yet he's still levelheaded enough to object, "But I just bought it."

Robin uses her knees on either side of his hips to leverage herself closer, wiggling in his lap, and he groans. "You can keep it at Ted's," she offers, kissing him again, this time taking his bottom lip between her teeth and sucking and biting it softly, tugging on it as she pulls back away.

"I don't know…."

She deftly unfastens his belt and pants. "He'll let you," she promises as she slides his zipper down.

"But….I wanted it….here."

With that she stops kissing him, pulling her hand away from his zipper – and he really needs it back there. "Maybe I _could_ just leave it at Ted's," he concedes.

She rewards him by peeling off her shirt. "You can visit it whenever you play video games," she says, kissing him again as she unbuttons his shirt now.

That's when he puts two and two together. First the Playstation and now this. He twists his head to the side, narrowing his eyes at her in realization. "Robin, are you sexually conditioning me?"

She doesn't even attempt to deny it, merely looking at him with all the feminine power of a woman who's half naked, hovering over his erection. Add into the mix that he's desperately in love with her and he doesn't stand a chance and they both know it. "Is it working?" she asks, unhooking her bra.

He watches it slide down her arms and onto the couch cushion beside them, and then she's straddling him topless. "Absolutely," Barney lustfully confirms, reaching for her with both hands.

Robin smiles devilishly. "Then yes."

"Boba Fett goes. Whatever. I don't care. Just come here and get out of the rest of those clothes," he gasps, kissing her insatiably as he sheds his suit coat and shirt, throwing them over the back of the couch.

***Flashback ends***

And that's how Ted's place gradually became the unofficial clubhouse for Barney and Marshall where one-by-one all of their banned toys end up.

It's also why now when Barney buys a vintage restored scooter he already knows enough to guess how it will go and he just brings it immediately over to Ted's.

"I bought a motor scooter today," he tells Robin that night in bed. "But the apartment doesn't have a garage so there isn't anywhere to put it outside."

Robin looks over at him warily. "Barney – "

"But I knew you wouldn't want it in the apartment, so I already brought it to Ted's place this afternoon."

"You did?" she questions, surprised, and he nods. "….You could have asked, you know."

"Would you have said 'yes'?"

"No," she admits. "But I want us to make decisions together. I don't want to just boss you around."

"Well I want you to have what you want," he tells hers. "And this is what you wanted."

Robin is undeniably touched that he would forgo his wishes in favor of hers without even the need for a discussion. "Barney, that's really sweet. Thank you." She kisses him amorously, shifting onto her stomach to smile down at him seductively. "I want you to have what _you_ want too," she murmurs against his lips, kissing him again thoroughly before moving her mouth down his throat. She slowly kisses her way over his pecs and down his chest, her tongue darting out to trace his abs. And then, much to Barney's delight, she continues her kisses down further still…..

* * *

><p>By mid-week when Barney brings a classic wooden canoe home, she has him trained so well that all he has to do is take one look at Robin's expression and he immediately stops suggesting potential places for it to grace the apartment. "No?"<p>

She shakes her head. "No."

"Okay," he accepts immediately and without problem. "I'll take it to Ted's tomorrow."

She smiles, rubbing his shoulders, and then turns around. "Unzip me?" When he's finished Robin deliberately lets the dress slide down her body and unto the floor. In only her underwear she saunters toward the bathroom, stopping at the end of the hallway and throwing him an invitation with her eyes. "Do you wanna come?" she entices, smiling cheekily at her purposeful double entendre.

And Barney instantly disregards the canoe entirely and just goes to take a shower with her instead.

He genuinely thinks there will be a different result a few days later when he shows her the antique Swiss cuckoo clock he bought. It seems more like something she'd approve of, however he can see right away that he was wrong. "You don't like it."

"Well….do you really want to hear a bird cuckooing every hour on the hour?"

"Alright," he laughs, unconcerned. "I'll bring it to Ted's."

"Just like that? Again? No arguments?" Robin marvels.

Barney shrugs. "You don't want it here, so it goes. Whatever makes you happy – and we made that decision together cause I asked this time."

She smiles, sidling into his arms. "I love you," she imparts, kissing him. And they wind up in bed together again.

But after the pleasant glow has begun to fade Robin starts to wonder if she should be pleased her system of reward and incentives has worked so well or if she should feel hurt that he's only letting her have what she wants because of what she'll do for him afterwards. "For the past few weeks you've been giving me my way about everything that goes into the apartment."

"Yeah," Barney verifies, pulling himself up against the pillows to look at her, wondering where the harm is in giving Robin her way. But he can tell from her tone of voice that there's something bothering her about it.

"You're just doing it for the sex, aren't you?"

"_You_ started with the sexual conditioning," he reminds her. "But I do want to make you happy, Robin. I always have, even when we weren't having sex. Now that we are sleeping together – and living together and getting married soon – there's definitely something in it for me in return. But," he tenderly discloses, "I would have let you have your way eventually anyway because I love you. And I know that you would still have sex with me even if I didn't give you your way all the time because you love me."

"I would," Robin agrees. "I may have used sex as a positive reinforcement method – a very effective one I might add – but only because _I_ wanted it to. I want you as much as you want me; you know that. I love you too much to withhold sex just to get you to do what I want. Where's the fun in that?"

"And I wouldn't ever expect sex in return for doing something nice. I _like_ making you happy," Barney reveals, putting his arm over her shoulders and bringing her in closer to him. "Now that we're together, making you happy makes me _very_ happy. And, yeah, it's not just from a self-sacrificing position anymore. When you're happy, I _really_ like what happens as a result," he grins. "But that's just all the more reason to do what I already would have done. What I'm saying is, baby, you can have your way – but it's not only because of the sex. That is a _fantastic_ perk, but it's not the main reason. I'd much rather make you happy then have a few more things in the apartment that I don't even need."

Robin smiles at that. "I like making you happy too. And I promise I won't say 'no' to everything you want to bring in the apartment. Okay?"

"Okay," Barney nods. "But you've gotta admit we're rocking a pretty sweet setup here. You get what you want; I still get to visit my stuff. You're happy, I'm happy. It's a win-win situation."

"And that's why we'll just keep bringing things to Ted's."

They seal the deal with a kiss that could have led to a whole lot more if Robin didn't remember in the nick of time that they invited the others over in what they've just discovered is less than twenty minutes – which means Ted could be here any minute – and it's a race to get dressed and presentable as quickly as possible.

When the gang arrives they all do have a wonderful time. The conversation flows along with the wine and everyone is relaxing and having fun…..until Lily tries to hand Marvin to Robin.

Robin has managed to go the first eight months of the kid's life without ever holding him, a point on which she congratulates herself for her cunning. She's so good at dodging it in fact that the others haven't even realized she refuses to hold him – and it _has_ to stay that way.

She does love her godson but she's never been around babies, never had any experience with them at all. She knows it will sound ridiculous to her friends – which is why she can't tell them – but she doesn't want to do something wrong and end up hurting Marvin. Babies are so little and fragile, and she's never had those traditional mothering instincts that most other women claim to automatically feel so she figures it could happen pretty easily. But if she admits that she's scared to hold Marvin they'll all tell her she's just being silly and _make_ her do it anyway. She can't deal with that. She wants to, but she can't.

So her best defense is a good offense. She has to always be naturally busy so the opportunity to hold the baby simply won't come up. That's why when Lily tries to hand him off to her she swings back to Barney, acting like she just wants a refill of her wine. It works, it always does, but it makes for a potentially stressful time whenever the baby's around, which is a shame. She wishes she could just enjoy his company instead since he's such a cute little guy.

Barney watches Robin evade Marvin all afternoon and it's not the first time he's witnessed it. He watches her so much, always observing her every action, that it became clear to him months ago what she was doing. Robin doesn't realize it, but he knows that she's never even held Marvin once since he was born. He also knows she's tortured by the awkwardness of trying to keep her secret from the others. All this time he's left her to deal with it on her own like the independent woman she is but she's getting nowhere and he can't stand to see her keep suffering this way.

That's what makes him decide to try to help her out with it. And he gets the perfect opportunity when Marvin is passed over to him. If he can just nudge the baby into Robin's arms while they're busy talking she'll take him without even thinking. That's how it needs to happen, quickly and spur of the moment before she has a chance to worry and second guess herself.

But the instant he tries to gently hand her Marvin she recoils away from him, spinning over to the cupboard and making like she's finding them more crackers. He has no choice but to pass Marvin to Ted instead, and when Ted later tries to give the baby to Robin again Barney watches her pour wine all over herself – ruining what he happens to know is one of her favorite tops – in her desperation to avoid holding the child and also avoid getting caught at it.

If Marvin just wasn't her cup of tea that would be one thing, but Barney knows she loves that baby like crazy and she's missing out on so much with him because of her fears of inadequacy. That's what bothers him so much to see – all the more so because it simply isn't true. She may not have had any experience with babies but neither did he until his nephew came along. Some people are just innately good with kids. He was and he thinks Robin will be too if she'd ever give herself a chance. He _knows_ she has nurturing instincts in her; she exhibits them with him frequently. Robin has so much to offer her godson and he knows that _she_ wants that too, so Barney determines he's going to find some way to help her overcome this fear.

* * *

><p>That Saturday afternoon at Marshall and Lily's the topic of discussion is Ted's latest fiasco with Jeanette – this time she threw a beer bottle at his television screen. The sentiment is unanimous that he should break up with her, but Ted accuses them of only saying that so he'll stay single and they can keep their clubhouse.<p>

Both sets of couples look at each other nervously because Ted does have a point about the clubhouse part. If the guys didn't have such a convenient place to store their forbidden purchases there might be a little more discord and debate at home, but that's something for Future Barney and Robin and Future Marshall and Lily to worry about. In any case, breaking up with Jeanette is sound advice since the woman is certifiable – and Barney is going to use this as his prime opening to both prove as much _and_ hand over the vetoed Swiss clock by launching into his pre-planned bit.

Robin doesn't know exactly what to expect, only that Barney is planning some kind of mockery at Ted's expense involving the cuckoo clock and a screwdriver he's hidden in his pocket. When Barney starts egging Ted on to tell them all about his latest date with Jeanette, explaining that he's only tinkering with the clock to fix it while Ted talks, Robin has a pretty good idea of where this is going.

And, sure enough, Ted gets to the part about performing a Marilyn Monroe séance and Barney sets the cuckoo off, making the bird announce to all how insane Jeanette is. "Look at that! Good as new," he proclaims innocently, looking over to see Robin's reaction.

She holds his eye contact for a moment, laughing, letting him know she knows what he's doing and she loves it. This is exactly why she doesn't want to be the nagging fiancée, and later wife, who tries to change everything about him. She doesn't _want_ him to transform himself too much. She loves him as he is, crazy antics and all. They're a part of what makes Barney _Barney_, and definitely a part of why she fell in love with him.

"Anyway, were you able to contact Marilyn in the spirit world?" Barney continues and the moment he says the words 'spirit world' he glances to Robin again out of the corner of this eye and they share a look of amusement, in on the shared joke together, the two of them against the world just like it's always been.

It seems like nothing can hamper the jovial mood. Even when Lily tries to get her to pick up Marvin, Robin is able to fairly effortlessly deflect it. It's only after Barney's clock breaks for real that things take a downward turn.

Ted finally grants that his erratic girlfriend is indeed crazy, however he insists that he's not in it for the long-haul but that it's "just fun."

"Of course it's fun," Barney chimes in. "At first."

Okay, Robin supposes, he's about to make the point that the appeal of crazy girls wears off quickly and that's why Ted should settle down with someone stable and nice.

"But then," Barney continues, "when she starts calling out the name of her high school science teacher in the throes of passions…."

Robin doesn't exactly like knowing that part but she's still waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel.

"….it's _really_ fun," he pronounces with a dissolute grin.

Robin frowns at that.

"But then when she starts bringing knives into bed, making you fear for your safety…."

Ah, so here comes the moral to the story, she inwardly reasons.

"….it's really, _really_ fun," Barney laughs. "But then when she starts unbuttoning your pants," he goes on, now starting to mime it, apparently lost in the memory, "while you're being forced to drive blindfolded down the freeway with a gun pointed at your….." He cuts off, swallowing heavily and seems to remember himself, looking back up to Ted, then over to Robin, and up to Marshall. "I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"

"Jeanette," Ted reminds him.

"Oh, right. That girl's crazy. You gotta break up with her," he says, going in for another piece of pizza without a care.

Robin just looks on frozen, staring at Barney apprehensively. She's aware that he's largely joking, and if it had been Ted or Marshall who said it she wouldn't give it a second thought, but Barney isn't far enough removed from actually doing and wanting those things for Robin not to wonder and worry if there isn't a grain of truth to it somewhere, especially after the supposed "one-night stand withdrawal" he told her about. Could it be that Barney really is missing his bimbos and the cheap thrill of random sex with unstable casual pick-ups? She doesn't doubt that he loves her but maybe love isn't enough to keep him from craving and secretly missing parts of that lifestyle. He swears that's not the case and he's a one-woman man, devoted to her, the _only_ woman he wants to be with. But statements like this one – evenly causally and thoughtlessly spoken – undermine that.

By the time they get home that night and are getting ready for bed Robin still can't seem to let it go and she knows she's going to have to ask him about it. Inwardly her mind is busy picking the scab of a wound that just won't quite heal. Because no matter how many times Barney tells her he loves her, when something like this happens and his old womanizing lifestyle rears its ugly head, there's a part of her that's afraid there might be a part of him that still wants that now. Not that she thinks he doesn't want her. It's more that she suspects he might want to have his cake and eat it too, be with her but still dabble in the rest on the side.

Barney climbs into bed watching Robin sip from her Canadian flag mug and pad barefoot across the bedroom, and it seems like a typical night in his wonderful new life.

That is until she puts the mug down on her nightstand and levels him with those killer blue eyes. "Are you bored with me?"

He glances up at her, sincerely confused. "What are you talking about?" He has no idea what this is about but he's smart enough to know this conversation can't be leading anywhere good.

"Are you bored with _just_ me?" she repeats.

He gives her a look like she's being absurd. "Why would you even say that?"

"Just answer me," she persists, and there's something of vulnerability in her voice that lets him know that, absurd or not, he needs to take this seriously.

"No. I'm not. Where is this coming from, Robin?"

"The crazy girl with the knives and the gun, working you over while you drive blindfolded…."

"_That's_ what this is about?" Barney asks incredulously. "That was just some girl. I don't even remember her name."

"But it was really, _really_ fun for you," she throws his own words back at him.

"Sometimes crazy risks can be fun. So what? You get off on that kind of thrill too. That's why we role-play those things, or just do it in public so there's a real element of danger. You know that's why we keep using our keys to bang in Ted's bed while he's gone or sneak in to rock the shower at Marshall and Lily's place like old times..." He pauses, remembering the last such time when they nearly got caught by Ted and had to get dressed in his closet – after feeling each other up a little while they were in there – and then slowly sneak out room-by-room until they made it to the safety of the front door. "….And that's _awesome_. For us. But when you're doing it with some random, legitimately crazy pick-up it's fun, sure, but those thrills are empty and never worth it in the end, which is why I told Ted to break up with Jeanette just like I ended it with that girl. You don't want crazy above a week tops. After that it loses its appeal, trust me."

Everything he's saying is perfectly sensible and it does make Robin feel better, but she still can't shake the way he was this afternoon, caught up in the images in his mind. "But you seemed really into that memory."

"Some of it was hot, I'm not gonna lie." It pains Barney to actually admit this next part but it's necessary in making her understand. "But _you_ know. You've had great sex – not as great as us," he qualifies, "but still great sex – with other guys."

"Yeah, but _I_ don't sit around and get lost in the memory of that one time Nick pounded me extra good."

Barney's jaw hardens and something white hot and envious sparks behind his eyes. "Okay, point taken, and I'm sorry about that. I was honestly just trying to get the idea across to Ted that crazy is ultimately bad. But all this sex we're having has got me so worked up I'm sporting a partial at least half the time."

Robin eyebrows furrow. "So you're saying this is _my_ fault for giving you too much sex?"

"No. _NO_. Robin, there is no such thing as too much sex. I _love_ our constant sex; I crave it all the time. I only meant that's why I got distracted on a sexual tangent, because I'm so continually turned on. But I am _not_ bored with you. Are you kidding? Like I said, sporting a nonstop partial for you. That's just it, Robin," he expresses, taking her hand and drawing her down onto the bed to sit beside him. "With women like that I _needed_ the element of danger for it to be exciting. I had to have that threat of death to feel anything at all. But with you, all you have to do is walk in the room and my heart is racing. I swear, all you have to do is look at me and I – "

"Just a look?" she questions coyly. "That's really all it takes to do it for you?"

"Just a look," he verifies. "Or a smile….like the way you're smiling at me right now. You get my blood heated without doing anything at all, just by being you. Robin, you own me. All I have to do is _think_ about you and I'm good to go."

She scoots closer to him on the mattress, letting him draw her into his arms, her uneasiness and irritation with him already forgotten. "Yeah?"

"_Yes_," he swears adamantly.

Robin sets her hands to his chest, owning him all over again with that same devastating smile. "Prove it," she whispers enticingly.

Barney smiles too, pulling her down on top of him, more than willing to give her ample evidence.

* * *

><p>The next day they all meet up at Ted's place so Barney and Marshall can play video games in their clubhouse while Lily and Robin spend a girl's afternoon doing some shopping and grabbing lunch out. They know better than to leave Marvin with the guys since they'll be much too absorbed in their gaming to pay proper attention to a baby, so they take him along with them – and that's how a panicked Robin ends up alone on the sidewalk with Marvin.<p>

Naturally, less than a minute after Lily leaves to chase after his lost binky, Marvin starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Desperate, distraught, and a shade away from full on freak-out mode, Robin lifts the entire stroller, attempting to sooth the baby that way, but it's no use. She's nearly beside herself by the time a random guy with a face tattoo comes out of the dry cleaners, walking up to her and commenting that someone's not happy.

"No kidding. I'm miserable. Listen to this thing," she exclaims as she continues to rock the stroller, flustered. She's not good with babies – and all this crying is exactly why for years she never used to even entertain the thought of ever potentially having one herself. She was sure she couldn't – and wouldn't want to – handle it.

When the stranger suggests the baby needs to be held, acting out of sheer terror, Robin suggests that _he_ do it. Once the man has Marvin quieted and back in his stroller, she thanks him, admitting to this outsider – which somehow makes him easier to confess to – that it's her first time alone with the baby. "I have this weird feeling that I'm gonna drop him or injure him in some way….which is completely insane – " But even as she's saying it she realizes she's let go of Marvin's stroller and he's wheeling out into the street.

She runs after him in panic mode and thankfully retrieves him before anything happens. But it _could_ have. This is exactly why she should never be a mother. She's too much of a screw-up. Her kid wouldn't stand a fighting chance. Fate had it right after all. "This is _not_ going well at all," she says. Her legs feel like jelly and her whole body is trembling, her hands shaking most noticeably of all.

After that it's all a blur of several more shameful things she can never let Lily know about. But when Lily does return an hour later, Robin's right back on the same piece of sidewalk, alone with a contented Marvin, and she seems like Godmother of the Year.

On their way back to Ted's apartment they hear his screams all the way down the block and after they bump into Barney and Marshall on their way up too – back from grabbing meatball subs – all four hurry in to see what's the matter but by then the ruckus has quieted down. When Ted eventually does topple down the stairs from his bedroom ten minutes later it leads to a debate over what Robin's "friend", who she's since realized was actually Mike Tyson, claimed: crazy girls' crazy is fueled by their _boyfriends'_ bad behavior and mixed signals.

Barney starts to protest but quickly gives up and for perhaps the first time in his life he maturely and openly admits that he was in fact to blame for making a lot of crazy girls that much more insane. But he gives Ted high-fives for doing the same thing to Jeanette anyway because he's still operating under the philosophy that his poor friend might as well get all the crazy sex and one-night stands he can since, sadly, he has nothing else in his life to look forward to.

All Robin takes out of the conversation is Ted's continued strange obsession with the violently ugly red cowboy boots. She's in the midst of an impassioned argument against them when Lily passes Marvin over into her arms. She's too absorbed in her debate to even notice at first, but when she suddenly realizes what's happened her eyes go wide with shock. "Oh my god. I'm holding it. I'm holding the baby!" She's doing it. _She's really doing it_! And she hasn't hurt him yet.

Barney watches it all go down and smiles. This is exactly the type of moment he was trying to orchestrate. He knew this was what she needed, just to have the baby plunked into her arms before she could think about it or doubt herself and then she would realize that she _is_ capable of taking care of him.

But Robin's reaction is a little too noticeably excited and Marshall questions if she hasn't held Marvin before. "Tons of times," she quickly covers. "This is _not_ a big moment for me," she contends, but Barney at least can hear the elation in her voice. And as she stands up, cradling Marvin securely to her and supporting his head like an old pro, he catches her whisper to herself, "_This is exhilarating_."

Barney's smile grows as he watches Robin happily carry Marvin around the room, taking him off to the far corner to have him all to herself. That's when he gets up to go to her, first making a pit stop in the kitchen so it seems to the others like he's just throwing away his trash and not going to share in a monumental moment of Robin's life.

He crosses over to her and for a moment simply takes in the proud, euphoric expression on her face. "First time, isn't it?" She looks at him like a deer caught in the headlights and he smiles softly. "I thought so." Her euphoria, along with her proud smile, falters as she realizes she fooled the others but not him. "Don't worry," he rushes to reassure her, "I won't tell anyone."

Barney knew all along and he kept her secret. He's still keeping her confidence. That's why she loves him, why she knows she _can_ trust him. Because it _is_ the two of them in this together and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for her. "Thanks," Robin smiles tenderly. And because all of her secrets are protected with him and it's safe to open up to him period, she further confides, "Dude, this may not sound like me talking but...I love this baby _so_ much."

"Barf alert," he replies flatly.

She shakes her head at him playfully. "Oh, don't act all hard and cynical with me." It's much too late for that. Because he's opened up to her too. She's seen his soft side, how deeply he loves and all the sweet, beautiful, achingly romantic things he says and does with her when they're all alone. "I know you have a sensitive – "

"No," he corrects her, amused, "there's barf all over your shirt."

Robin looks down at her sleeve and sees that he's right; it's covered in spit-up. But she merely shrugs and keeps playing with Marvin. Right now even a little baby vomit isn't going to ruin her moment of triumph and bonding.

Eventually Lily and Marshall have to go home but Robin still wants to keep playing with little Marvin so she and Barney end up going home with them. At first it's basically an extension of the fun they had over at Ted's, but as the hours wear on and it becomes apparent that Robin's not going to leave it starts to develop into a bit of a delicate situation.

Marshall and Lily are both aware that Robin is physically unable to have a child of her own, and ever since Marvin was born Lily has been waiting to see some sign of how that's affecting her best friend. In her mind there's no way the addition of a little baby in the group could _not_ be affecting Robin on at least some level, but up until now she's acted like it's nothing at all. This sudden, unyielding attachment to her infant godson has all the earmarks of it finally hitting home. Lily and Marshall want to be sensitive to that and allow her all the time with the baby that she wants, even if it is growing late and starting to become a bit of an inconvenience.

Lily's goes in and out of the nursery all night, overseeing Robin as she changes Marvin into his sleeper, feeds him his bottle, and lovingly rocks him to sleep. And all the while Robin shows absolutely no signs of wanting to let him go anytime soon.

At midnight Lily gives up and goes into the bedroom to change into her pajamas, leaving Barney and Marshall watching SportsCenter in the living room. Within a half an hour Marshall looks over to Barney, proclaiming that he's going to go change for bed too, and Barney takes the hint, going in to talk to Robin.

He's been in and out of the nursery himself too. He helped Robin change Marvin's clothes, knowing she might be at least a little secretly nervous at the prospect, but she handled it like an old pro. Now, walking into the nursery, he finds her in a pair of Lily's slippers, cradling the baby to her chest and continuing to gently rock him as he sleeps.

It's a domesticated, maternal image of Robin Scherbatsky that he – along with everyone else – thought he'd never see, although they came awfully close to living this picture themselves after the night of the slap when they wound up having unintentional and completely unprotected sex. But their lives took a different course. Robin wasn't pregnant, a fact they were both very grateful for, and that was that. Now it's somewhat jarring, though not unpleasantly so, to see this hitherto foreign side of her.

"Hey," he says softly.

Robin looks up from the baby to return his greeting. Then her eyes go right back down to Marvin's sleeping form. "Isn't he sweet?" she finally asks in hushed tones, drawing her attention up to Barney again, who's now standing beside the dresser.

"He is," Barney agrees. They fall into silence for a moment while he simply watches her rock back and forth in the chair. "You know I never thought a woman holding a baby would be anything but repulsive. But, on you, it's hot."

She smiles in response but there's a sadness in her eyes.

"Robin, are you okay?" he asks, kneeling beside the rocking chair.

After a pause she answers, "Yes. I will be." She looks back down at Marvin's tiny features. "It's just….he's amazing, you know?"

Barney smiles, reaching out and running his forefinger gently over the baby's little leg. "I do. I still remember the first time I held Eli," he confides. "That was pretty much the first experience _I_ ever had with a baby. It was nice knowing the kid didn't hate me."

"And that you could hold him without breaking him."

"You were never going to break him, Robin. Look at you, you're a natural." He moves his hand to _her_ arm now, catching her gaze and holding it. "You're so much more than you give yourself credit for sometimes."

Her expression reads loving gratitude as she cuddles the baby closer, glancing down at him. "He's so innocent and untouched," she says in awe. "A blank slate."

"Yeah. These kids, all of them – Eli, Sadie, Marvin – they're completely receptive and impressionable. Forget Ted; these guys are the ones we're really gonna teach how to live."

"We?"

"Sure. We're a team now, aren't we? Always have been. Stinson and Scherbatsky – soon to be Stinson and Stinson," he smirks. "Joined awesome against a world of lameness. They'll need both of us too, the male and female point of view. You get 'em at the left, I'll get 'em at the right and there's no way these kids will be anything less than killer..." Barney hesitates, making a face as a daunting thought occurs to him. "God help us if Ted ever has kids, but even that's a task I think we're up to."

Robin laughs softly, turning her focus back to the baby and lightly rubbing his cheek.

Barney smiles, observing her silently until movement in the other room reminds him that right now they are somewhat of unwanted guests in their friends' home in the middle of the night. "Lily says you can put him down now and he won't wake up," he gently coaxes.

But she shakes her head. "I'm not ready yet….But you can go if you want. I'll be there later."

"No," he answers without question. "I'm staying. I'm not ready till you are." Nevertheless he senses she needs to be by herself right now. Time and space with her thoughts and a chance to bond with the baby alone is what she's craving at the moment and he'll see that she gets it. "I'll be out on the couch if you need me, okay?"

"Okay," she nods, leaning up to kiss him tenderly.

As he walks out of the nursery Barney sees her look back down at Marvin, cooing softly to him. Out in the living room he explains to Lily and Marshall that it's a new thing for Robin, connecting with a baby this way. It's a big deal for her and she just needs some time but they're free to go to bed. They smile kindly, nodding their understanding, and shuffle off to the bedroom.

Back in the nursery, alone with her thoughts, Robin rocks Marvin soothingly, feeling like if she stops rocking him, if she puts him down, if she lets him go, her carefully built emotional house of cards is going to come crashing down and she _will_ fall apart. This newfound bond and all of these recently discovered maternal instincts are both beautiful and bittersweet. Because she knows now that she _could_ have done it. She could be a good mother – a _great_ mother – sweet and loving, strong and protective.

Beyond the fact of babies being so fragile, she always held an additional fear because even as toddlers and older children they're so innocent, untouched, and unscarred by the world and _she_ didn't want to play any part in changing that, in inadvertently doing the wrong thing and damaging them the way she had been damaged as a little girl. But she finally gets it now: if anything, her own experience would only make her that much more vigilant that no one do the same thing to this child.

Looking down at Marvin now, snuggling him softly in her arms with all this newly realized knowledge fresh in her mind, she can't help but think of her and Barney's baby that might have been. He, because her mind automatically assigned it that gender – a little baby boy with twinkling, mischievous blue eyes and a mop of blonde curls – would be just a few months younger than Marvin. In a different world, she wouldn't be sitting in her old bedroom right now, rocking her friend's son. She'd be in their apartment, rocking _their_ son to sleep…and this is exactly what it would feel like.

So, right now, even though Marvin is not hers and it's not that world, Robin can't help feeling like she's sampling a sliver of the life she's never going to have, seeing a glimpse of the version of herself that she's never going to become. And her mind inevitably goes to what it would have been like if those two imaginary children – first that blonde haired son, the spitting image of Barney, and then later a daughter in her own likeness – had been real, had gotten the chance to live and breathe and exist in this world. She knows now that she could have done right by those children. They _both_ could have. Defying all notions to the contrary, she and Barney would have made excellent parents, upbeat and fun and always entertaining but also strong and loving, guiding them in the proper path – which would often mean taking the one exactly opposite of the paths they once took.

Hers and Barney's babies wouldn't have turned out messed up and damaged like they were because they'd have a mom and dad who loved them to death and would do _anything_ to do right by them and see that they got the picture perfect childhood they themselves were denied. Their children would have been positively amazing, all of their awesome genes mingling and combining, pulling out the best parts of the both of them to form little Barney-Robin hybrids that were stunningly gorgeous, charming, witty, adorable, utterly-irresistible-in-every-way new Stinsons to unleash on the next generation of the world.

But because of twists of fate and destiny and all that those children, half her and half Barney, will never exist in any world outside of her imagination. As irrepressible and boundless and unbreakable as their love is it will never be able to come together and create a baby. The babies that she holds in her arms will always be her godsons and goddaughters, nieces and nephews – never quite her own – and she's made her peace with that. She has. But it doesn't stop it from hurting still sometimes even if she has largely reconciled with her fate and grown to accept it with serenity and, for the most part, contentment.

Robin has no idea how long she sits in that nursery rocking Marvin. Time seems to melt away and lose its meaning while she's lost in her thoughts and caught up in a sea of confusing and contradictory emotions. She just keeps holding him, rubbing his soft little baby hand and smiling down at him, such an innocent and perfect little creation. Not born of her and Barney's love – never that – only Lily and Marshall's instead.

Robin's reflections are interrupted when Lily appears in the nursery, wearing her pajamas and looking fresh from dozing off.

Marshall is currently snoring in the bedroom, dead to the world, and Lily had nodded off herself too. When she woke up and read the bedroom clock she decided to go check on her friend. Walking through the living she discovered Barney still on the couch, conked out himself in what looked like a very uncomfortable position. She still has no idea how much Barney knows about Robin's infertility. She would assume since they're getting married soon that he knows it all, but this _is_ Robin and Barney, the king and queen of secrets, so for all she knows he's still in the dark – and she's not about to be the one who interferes with that. But whatever Barney knows or doesn't know, the fact that he's still here, waiting for his fiancée who's acting a little bit irrationally, speaks volumes for how much he loves her.

"Robin," Lily whispers so as not to wake her son, "it's three in the morning."

Robin is genuinely surprised at that. "Really?" She had no idea she's been in here that long.

"Yeah," Lily confirms. And then compassionately, ever mindful, "Sure you don't want to just put him in the crib and, you know, go home?"

Robin's eyes go back down to the baby in her arms. "No, I'm good."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Robin smiles down at Marvin, but after only half a minute a very pungent, very disagreeable odor begins wafting up to her nose. "What's that smell?" she wonders. And then it hits her – he dirtied his diaper. He dirtied his diaper and she's _alone_ with him, having just dismissed his mother. No. This is not about to happen. NO. "Lily?" she calls for help, her voice still a muted whisper so as not to disturb the baby. But her desperation is rising because there's no way in hell she's touching poop. "_LILY_! _Lily, please!_"

It's Barney who eventually comes to her aid, rushing through the doorway sleepy-eyed. "Robin, what's the matter?"

"It's Marvin. He – he – he – he…._pooped_," she says with obvious horror.

Barney snickers at that. "Well there's a fresh diaper and wipes right here. Do you want me to hand them to you?" he teases, his eyes now aglow with enjoyment of the situation.

"Eww. NO!" she shudders. Then she looks up to him pleadingly, nudging Marvin toward him. "You do it."

"Uh-uh. That's not happening," he says, backing away with raised hands. "I don't do the crime then I don't do the time." He grins at that, adding another, "I didn't get the lovin' so I don't do the scrubbin'. Not a Father's Day was invented for a reason."

"I thought you renounced that?"

"Whatever," Barney scoffs, moving cautiously closer to her. "I'm still not – " He cuts off abruptly when the smell hits him, sharp, appalling, and strong enough to make his eyes water. "Ahhh! There is _no way_ I'm changing that kid! We need an exorcist in here."

"_Right_?" Robin seconds, her expression still horrified.

"I'm going to get Lily," he announces and Robin enthusiastically nods her agreement.

As soon as Lily wakes up, Robin and Barney hand the kid over to her as fast as they can and take off out of there.

Forty-five minutes later, they're back at his apartment, lying in bed with Robin tucked under Barney's arm while he holds _her_ now.

"So…." he says to her in the darkness while his hand slowly runs up and down the length of her arm where it's resting against his abs. "You finally held Marvin, and you seem to be quite attached to the little guy…Does that mean you changed your mind about wanting a kid one day?"

All things considered it's a loaded question, but she's been thinking about it herself ever since they left – make that ran – out of Marshall and Lily's place. And the thing is, while she realizes now that she could be a mom, she could step up and do it, there's still a _huge_ part of her that doesn't want that responsibility. She loves the life that she and Barney have, their freedom to do what they want when they want, their ability to live only for each other and have all the fun they want together. And she thinks of what a disaster this afternoon had been. Left alone with Marvin for only one hour she let a stranger hold him, let his stroller wheel out into the street, and took him to a topless strip club where she then left him all alone with the strippers and said stranger, who turned out to be face-tattooed Mike Tyson – which is just a whole other can of worms.

The bottom line is she made a lot of poor choices. And, sure, most of them were because she was still afraid to hold the baby. _But_ a lot of them also derived from the fact that she was more concerned with not wanting to hear him cry herself – "I'm miserable. Listen to this thing," had been her words – and because she was more wrapped up in her own needs – getting out of the cold and calming her frazzled nerves with a nice scotch – then worried about the gross improperness of taking an infant to a strip club.

And even tonight, after the best of her maternal instincts kicked in, she still flinched in horrorstricken disgust at the very idea of changing Marvin's dirty diaper, which would be a constant occurrence if they had a baby of their own. Not to mention the fact that right now, after just one afternoon and night of caring for a baby she's _exhausted_, too tired to have sex even – and Barney is too. What kind of a life is that?!

The truth is, her infertility aside, she's always been at odds on the subject of ever becoming a mother herself. On the other side of all that reluctance to give up her freedom and take on that responsibility and the often unpleasant tasks of motherhood there is a part of her that always had and probably always would continue to feel that pressure to give in to the traditional. And ever since she fell head over heels for Barney there is this whole new part to contend with that finds the thought of having Barney's child specifically, _their_ child, massively appealing. A strong part of her would have wanted that, she knows, notably so now that she's become more comfortable with babies. And so it still does hurt, even more than a year later, knowing that _their_ baby is never going to exist – especially when she thinks about her and Barney getting married and becoming a family and all that they could have been under different circumstances, all that _he_ might have wanted…..possibly more than he lets on. But, in reality, if they _had_ been able to conceive a child, they would have loved it unquestionably…..but maybe it would have made them – certainly _her_ at least – miserable. Because you can't just have a baby as a hypothetical idea, or for only one night. You have to be there for it _all_ the time, through everything. It's a responsibility that never ends, even after they grow up and become adults.

That's why, in spite of the fact that it still strings sometimes, for the first time Robin's starting to think that perhaps her body's inability to have a child might be a _good_ thing. It felt like a curse and a punishment for _so_ long. It felt like torture to have that door locked without any say in it, entirely beyond her will. But she knows those two sides of her would have continued to war over the issue of children and this way, having the option forcibly taken away, the weight of it will never fall upon _her_. She never has to make that heart-wrenchingly difficult choice because the choice has already been made for her – and since the decision was entirely out of her hands she never has to second-guess herself or regret the path she didn't take because she had no control over it to begin with.

"No," she finally answers softly, "I haven't changed my mind about wanting a baby. I've got my hands full with you."

"True. Most nights you do have your hands full of me, and my hands are all over you, and I don't ever want that to change. It's part of why I'm such a very lucky guy….." She feels Barney hold her just a little bit tighter. "I love you, Robin. You and me, that's _more_ than enough."

Robin tenderly kisses his chest in silent reply.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: This chapter contained a deleted scene from the original script of the episode that was written and filmed but got edited out of the version that aired. The conversation between Barney and Robin where it's revealed that he knew she never held Marvin was from that scene itself, and it's a lovely exchange so I hope it ends up on the deleted scenes of Season 8's DVD.

**AN #2**: It was difficult writing the baby-driven portions of this chapter without nothing whether or not Barney is aware of Robin's infertility – have they've discussed this at all, exactly how much does he know, if anything, etc.? I am obsessed with keeping things canon compliant so I tried to strike a middle cord that could work both if (a) Barney is already fully aware of Robin's infertility and they've possibly even discussed it in great detail, or if (b) Barney still doesn't know, Robin still can't bring herself to tell him, and that is potentially what she's freaking out about on their wedding day. The fact that the audience has been left in the dark about this is probably the thing that has frustrated me the most about Season 8. (I'm not saying they have to deal with it now or ever necessarily on screen. I just want to know if _he_ knows. That's a loose thread that desperately needs to be tied, and by the way they teased us at the beginning of 8.19 they know it too!)

I actually have a whole, extensive, lengthy scene between Barney and Robin dealing with and discussing her infertility that I wrote last summer. I was originally going to make it the next chapter of "The Season of Us", but then Season 8 started back up and I've been waiting to post it as part of a chapter of "Catching the Clock" instead, if we ever get just the tiniest tidbit of whether or not Barney knows because the scene obviously won't work if we later find out Barney doesn't know and it's some big secret between them. But when and if the show ever chooses to address that, I WILL post the scene, even just as a one shot (and even potentially as a flashback one shot if need be) because I think it's a cute and sweet interaction and it's definitely a part of my head canon. I just don't know where to place it yet on the timeline of things.


	41. 817

**The Ashtray**

* * *

><p>Robin is this close to crisis mode – Lily, as the maid of honor, went over the edge into panic weeks ago – because it's just over three months until the wedding and she still hasn't found a dress. She's been all over the city trying on a bunch, but while the dresses were all beautiful none of them seemed quite right. None of them felt like her or <em>them<em>. None of them felt like the dress she was going to walk down the aisle and marry Barney in.

Earlier in the week she'd confided her frustration to him as well as Lily's mounting fear that was swiftly becoming her own that, since the dress will have to be sent away for alterations and then a final fitting, time is swiftly running out. Barney told her that his number one concern with the dress is that it be quickie compliant; beyond that, it's entirely up to her. But she swears Lily has dragged her to practically every bridal shop in existence and her options are dwindling down.

They set out again today for another afternoon of searching, and at what must surely be the last bridal boutique in town, Robin finally finds _the_ dress. It's feminine but not super girly. Tightly fitted throughout the bodice, waist, and thighs, it flares out just above the knee. It's modern and unique but with an unmistakable touch of the traditional too. In other words, it fits her and them perfectly. This is the dress; Robin's sure of it.

Lily can see it too. From the moment Robin walks out in the gown, Lily knows this is the dress, and then she takes one look at Robin's face and knows that _she_ knows too and instantly takes to crying. Even Robin has to fight back tears, realizing this is the dress she's going to start her married life in.

A half an hour later, when the alterations specialist has to see to an emergency in the next room, Robin takes the opportunity to duck back into the fitting room for a little privacy so she can call Barney.

He answers on the third ring. "Calling and not texting? Something must be up."

His familiar voice, relaxed with just a hint of amusement, has the happy tears flooding her eyes again. "I found the dress."

Her voice is unmistakably euphoric and emotional, and an instant smile alights on his face at this further proof that their wedding is real and it's happening – _soon_ – and Robin Scherbatsky, the love of his life, is just as excited to marry him as he is to marry her. "Baby, that's great."

"It's perfect, Barney," she gushes. "I didn't have a clear picture in my mind of what I wanted, until I saw it and then I just knew."

It sounds like an analogy for their entire relationship. But there's only one thing Barney wants to know. "I'm glad you found what you wanted, but here's the most important question: can we do it in it?"

Robin laughs knowingly and even though he's across town in Ted's kitchen at the moment he can still tell that she's shaking her head.

"If we shimmy it above my hips and up to my waist we can," she answers, regarding the dress in the mirror and deciding that, yes, it is possible. Then her voice turns teasing. "It'll be a challenge, but you're always accepting those."

"You little minx," he smirks in reply. "I'll find a way. I'm gonna be inside that dress and then inside you, consummating the marriage, as soon as we say 'I do'."

She bits her lip, helplessly turned on by his bold promise, spoken low and evocatively in her ear. "Good to know. But is that really the only thing you care about? Don't you want to know what the dress looks like?"

"I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to know." But because he can tell she wants a serious response, he adds, "Robin, I'll know you'll look beautiful no matter what you're wearing. Even if you came down the aisle wearing absolutely nothing – yes. YES!" Barney asserts, ecstatic at the possibility. "Oh _please_ come down the aisle wearing absolutely nothing."

"For the last time, Barney, we're not getting married naked."

"Fine," he sighs impishly. "But it would have been _the_ most legendary wedding ever."

"It still won't be?"

"Yeah it will. It's you and me; it has to be. And I _know_ the honeymoon will be legendary. A legally and morally sanctioned fortnight of doing nothing but each other? I cannot wait."

Robin's laughter warms his heart even through the phone. "Meet me at MacLaren's later?" she poses. "The fitting's almost over. I should be done in another hour, hour and a half at the most."

After arranging to meet her there Barney hangs up, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

"So you want Robin to walk down the aisle naked?" Ted questions.

Marshall chuckles, smiling the shrewd smile of a man who's been married for nearly six years and knows the score. "And how'd that go for you, buddy?"

"It's not gonna happen," he confirms. Then his eyes light up. "But I bet I can get her to do it tonight."

"Hmm….roleplaying naked wedding," Marshall considers. "That's not bad. Lily and I might have to try it."

"It'll make the consummating that much quicker," Barney points out. "You wouldn't even have to duck into the bathroom like you guys did."

"All you gotta do is slide into home," Marshall quips.

"Hey-oh!" Barney approves, walking back in from the kitchen with a beer for himself and Marshall.

Shortly after that, Ted notices the blinking light of a message on his answering machine and they discover it's from The Captain of all people. Ted is sure he must be angry and he knows what it's about: the last night he saw The Captain around a year and a half ago. Ted glances up to the heavens, boasting, "Oh boy. _That_ was a crazy story."

Though Barney doesn't recall the night in question even a little bit, as the master of _all_ crazy stories he has to get the jump on this. It's his role to be at the center of all merriment and bragging about extreme happenings. That's just who he is and the function he fulfills in their group. "Oh boy. Yeah. I remember," he lies, looking off into the middle distance as if reliving the night.

But Ted unceremoniously bursts his bubble. "You weren't there."

Barney feels that all too familiar sensation of dread creeping up his spine and spreading burning and troublesome all the way up through his skull. "Ted, bubala, if you have a crazy story _I_ was there," he insists, pointing to himself, the King of Crazy. "It's just a law of the universe."

But the laws of the universe have been changing lately and it's left Barney floundering. He's well aware that while _he_ fell in love and has gradually become a devoted one-woman fiancé and soon-to-be husband, Ted has steadily gone the opposite route, stepping in to fill _his_ old role of running plays, having one-night stands, and bedding crazy girls. And Barney will gladly give him all that. That lifestyle was empty and unfulfilling. What he has with Robin is infinitely better, without question. He loves Robin and he's wanted nothing more than her for years upon years. Now that he finally has the life of his dreams locked down he wouldn't trade it for anything. So Ted can have all the sleeping around and womanizing. He can fill that vacated role and it doesn't bother Barney in the least – he's actually kind of proud.

But now that Ted is trying to stake claim over Barney's one remaining trademark, crazy stories, it heightens the problem. Because if Barney isn't the master of crazy stories and the wild antics and outrageous behavior that make said stories then what role does he have in the group? That's always been the space he filled from the very moment Ted, Marshall, Lily and later Robin befriended him. That was _his_ area even before he got as good at being a player as he eventually became. If he's not filling that space, the last one left for him, then he _has_ no place. The group doesn't need him. And not being needed is just one small step away from not being wanted, one of his greatest fears in life.

Along with the issue of the changing _group_ dynamic, Barney himself isn't sure of who he is if he's not wearing that label. Is this what an identity crisis feels like, he wonders? Since the first time he suited up, he's always been so sure of his it's never even come into question before now. He doesn't like the feeling.

So when Ted starts to tell them about that night, Barney does the only thing he can do and interrupts to insert himself into the story. However when Ted calls him on it, saying if he was really there then _he_ should tell it – something which he obviously can't do because he _wasn't_ there – Barney has no choice but to turn the floor back over to Ted. But he only does so with a frustrated sigh and clouded expression. Because a crazy story without him is unsettlingly wrong.

Which is why he again tries to include himself in the tale not thirty seconds later. But Ted begrudges Barney his years-old place yet again and he can do nothing but glare at him silently, his inner turmoil growing while he interjects again and again, trying to _force_ himself into the retelling as a part of that crazy night.

But both men's storytelling is interrupted when The Captain himself calls. In his mania to steer The Captain's boat Marshall answers the phone and to all of their surprise they find out The Captain isn't after revenge at all but rather Robin's phone number.

And that leads to a whole different kind of burning emotion creeping up Barney's spine: white hot jealousy.

"Is he trying to hook up with my fiancée?" he scowls. "_No_. Uh-uh." He lets out a humorless laugh as he glowers over at Ted, feeling hostile about this whole thing. "The only way that's happening is if I get to hook up with someone too," he derides.

He's being completely sarcastic, establishing how absurd and out of the question it would be for Ted to actually give Robin's phone number to another man. But then it occurs to him, like a little devil on his shoulder, that this is exactly where his customary outrageous behavior would kick in. He's not giving _that_ role over to Ted without a fight; Barney Stinson does _not_ go quietly into the night…..And cue wild, inappropriate antics.

"Wait a second," he says, as if contemplating the possibility. Then he proceeds to stage a highly vocal, over-the-top, and guaranteed-to-get-attention argument with himself over whether he should consider such an option a good thing. It culminates in actually slapping himself in the face, a usual favorite of Ted's and Marshall's.

But they just continue to ignore him, and he's feeling a bit like Alice fallen down the rabbit hole. It seems his plunge from relevance has already happened – and it's apparently irreversible.

Marshall's only concern is getting on The Captain's boat through any means necessary and Ted seems to be on board too, so Barney gives in to the peer pressure and allows him to give out Robin's number even though every cell in his body is screaming at him to do the opposite, to yell and fight and do anything he can to stop The Captain from being able to booty call Robin, even if Marshall does insist she'll simply let him down easy. Barney is defensive and jealous of Robin around other men to the point that he doesn't want the subject coming up at all. But he's so extremely anxious to still fit into the group _somehow_ that he gives over to the others and agrees to let it happen anyway against every part of his better judgment.

* * *

><p>On the way to meet Barney once her dress fitting is through, Robin is stunned to discover a voice mail on her phone from <em>The Captain<em>. Evidently Ted gave him her number and she's not happy about it at all. That last time they saw The Captain wasn't exactly a high point for her.

It was early June 2011, shortly after the whole brouhaha with GNB and the Arcadian. She and Barney had grown noticeably closer over those past four months – since the prior fall, really, minus the brief three-date Nora period she forced him into. Her undeniable feelings for Barney were getting harder and harder to fight and it frightened her. In fact, it was the events of the night before with _Barney_ that led to the humiliating incident with The Captain….

**Flashback**

Robin's been spending a lot of time with Barney. A lot. Like, an unsafe and far too risky amount of time – and not just with him but _alone_ with him. And tonight is shaping up to be just such a night. Each time she's with him she feels herself weakening more and more. It's gotten so bad that she doesn't want to be meeting him at his _apartment_ right now. She doesn't quite trust herself, to be honest. But then she's never honest, not even with herself. Hasn't been for years.

But the bottom line is he asked her here, claiming he has something important he wants to show her, and she couldn't tell him no, a longstanding problem of hers where Barney is concerned. So she finds herself all alone, knocking on his door.

He lets her in, all blustering excitement and laughter, looking and sounding and smelling so very indescribably _Barney _that her heart is already begging her to go along for the ride.

"So what is it you wanted to show me so badly?" She's unable to keep the smile from her lips. His is too contagious.

"My new invention," he proudly announces. "I call it The Room with a Screw."

"Barney," Robin protests, smiling still despite herself, "it's bad enough that I had to see your little tunnel."

"The Escape from Bitch Mountain?"

"Yes," she sighs long-sufferingly. "I'm still not clear on how that works. Do _you_ use it, or do you push the girls down there afterwards?"

"Actually, I usually push them 'down there'," he says, making a sweeping gesture toward his crotch, "_before _I – "

"Stop," Robin demands and Barney laughs wickedly.

"I _had_ to show you Escape from Bitch Mountain. Ted knows about it and you're a better bro than he is. You and I are a whole different level of bro-hood. You have to be let in on my greatest inventions. And, by the way, I don't _push_ anyone down it." He shakes his head at her. "The chute is my emergency escape from the particularly clingy lass. I've only had to use it once – and that was before I came up with my latest invention."

"The one you're about to show me?"

"No, my _latest_ latest invention." He pauses, capturing and holding her gaze. "That one's in the bedroom."

She really wishes that simple statement hadn't sent her heart to racing, but it did. "I don't think I'm ready for you to show me anything in there."

"Really? Cause I feel like I've already shown you plenty in the bedroom," he replies with a suggestive wink. She shakes her head, rolling her eyes but smiling, and he laughs again. "Okay, the Room with a Screw…" He grabs a remote from off the banister near the door and points it at the window, pushing a button, and suddenly a green screen drops down over the balcony, blocking out the view of the city.

"What's this?" Robin asks amused but confused.

Then he presses another button and the screen transforms into a stunningly realistic view of Florence at night. "I know how much you want to go there," Barney says in explanation.

Robin just stares, speechless. She told him only once, back when they were dating, her dream of visiting Florence and staying at the historic Four Seasons Hotel Firenze, drinking wine in the Gherardesca gardens, strolling along the Ponte Vecchio, enjoying a decadent multi-course Italian meal and then walking through a quaint little square at night, enjoying the city at its finest. She's never revealed that to anyone else before or since, and the fact that he still remembers blows her away.

"It's beautiful, Barney. And it _does_ feel like we're there. It's….it's brilliant. Unquestionably pervy in concept, but still inspired."

"Thanks. You can change it up too. Custom tailor it to whatever view the girl prefers," he expounds, setting the remote back down and leaving it on Florence.

"Nice," Robin nods.

What she doesn't know is that Barney has been occupying himself with these inventions lately – first the Room with a Screw and, even more recently, the just-finished Ho Be Gone Sleep System – in order to distract himself from his feelings for her and how very much he wants to act on them. "You want a drink?" he offers.

"Sure."

While he crosses the room to pour her a drink she walks over to the balcony for a better look at his invention. On the way, she passes close to the Stormtrooper and her feet automatically stop in front of it. She hasn't forgotten what tonight is: the two year anniversary of the "decoupage class" when she was really over here with Barney having sex, first on the couch because they couldn't stop themselves, and then again after she donned the suit to fulfill his fantasy.

Before she knows what she's doing she reaches out and touches the cool plastic of the costume's torso, imaging what that must have felt like against Barney's bare skin. It was a completely different sensation wearing it. Inside, it's soft and warm and oddly arousing due to the cutout crotch that made the sex possible at all; leave it to Barney to think of everything.

Robin is still absently stroking the Stormtrooper when Barney's arm nudges hers, startling her out of the memory of that night. She glances down at the proffered wine, taking it from his hand.

"I know," he says as if he's read her mind. "It's been two years tonight, hasn't it?"

She looks up at him, surprised. "You still remember that?"

"_Of course_. The Stormtrooper stands there as an endless testament to how hard we rocked that suit that night," he grins softly. "Lil' Barney has been at half-mast all day in commemoration."

Robin grins along with him but she can feel her cheeks heating and she's not quite able to withstand the fire of still holding his gaze. She averts her eyes down and can feel herself blushing.

Barney knows he's openly flirting with her and that's got to be breaking some kind of Bro Code bylaw. But if he's not mistaken Robin is responding to his flirtation too, and that makes him all the more caught up in it. Looking over at the Italian scene, he muses, "I still think you'll get there someday. But, if not, you and I will always have Florence tonight." He inclines his head over to the screen, smiling.

"Mm-hmm," she agrees, lost in his eyes, thinking that they could have _each other_ in Florence tonight. She wants to kiss him so badly she can practically taste it. She wants _so_ much to let Barney kiss her and undress her and remind her that no one can work over her body the way he can, the way he can make her respond so intensely to just his lightest touch…

And this is the sheer brilliance of his invention. Even knowing all about him and the intended purpose of The Room with a Screw, Barney turns it on and even _she_ is ready to go to bed with him. That's why she has to get out of this apartment now; it's too dangerous.

She suggests heading out to visit the cigar bar, which they do, spending hours there together. Afterwards they just walk arm-in-arm aimlessly through the city and end up in the park. It's a slow night and when one of the lounging horse drawn carriage drivers sees them he immediately asks if they want a ride. Barney surprises Robin by saying 'yes' but she doesn't argue, simply climbs inside the open-air carriage wordlessly.

He soon joins her and the ride begins. It's romantic and achingly familiar – and she doesn't want to remember _that_ night too, not now when she's already feeling so susceptible. They ride along in silence and she can feel his thigh pressed against hers. Their hands are perilously close as well. All it would take is moving hers an inch to slip it into his and they'd be holding hands.

"Is this part of one of your plays too?" she asks him to break the spell, to remind herself that Barney is _Barney_ – sweet and funny and charming and everything she fell for – but he's also Womanizer Barney and this is the kind of thing he does, seduce one-night stands and do whatever it takes to get the 'yes'.

"No," he answers, appalled. "Carriage rides may lead to sex but they put ideas in a woman's head that I have no interest in promoting."

"I can see that," Robin agrees, attempting to keep it light and bro-like. "You wouldn't want her thinking you actually like her and might want her to stick around. You'd have to use your escape tunnel to get out of there."

"You're the only one I've ever been on a carriage ride with."

It's a bold admission considering all it implies, and it hangs in the night air between them.

"Weren't you afraid _I'd_ get ideas?"

He turns to look at her enigmatically. "Did you _ever_ get ideas about us, Robin? Romantic, committed ones, I mean. But if….if you did, there wasn't any idea you could've gotten about the two of us that I hadn't already had myself."

Her eyes soften and her heart melts like butter. A second later his eyes fall to her lips and she knows she's going to kiss him. She's going to kiss him and probably do a whole lot more, and it'll be a mistake but she's going to do it anyway. She's caught in the pull of _them_ and in this moment she doesn't even want to fight it anymore.

Barney leans in close enough that Robin can feel his breath warm on her face, but then the horse jerks, jolting them apart as it comes to a stop.

Neither one of them says anything, but when he touches her to help her out of the carriage she mumbles in a flustered rush, "I – I should go. You probably want to get back to ensnaring someone at your apartment anyway. I shouldn't waste any more of your night." She attempts a joke to alleviate the tension. "It's only after midnight. The bars are still open. You can test out your Room with a Screw."

She's running away. She always runs away. She wants him, but she doesn't _want_ to want him. He's never going to own her heart. He has to stop being a fool. "Yeah. Yeah," he nods. "I think I'm gonna hit MacLaren's, see what pickings are like tonight."

Robin's heart sinks at that, but at least Barney sees her to the corner and into a cab. She watches after him as it pulls away and he walks off to hunt down his latest screw for the night…..

**End of Flashback**

She was too blind and insecure back then, so unaware of his feelings or of the fact that Barney had _ever_ loved her deeply, to contemplate that it might be an act that _he_ was putting on too. So after that she was just eager to forget, eager to use the after-work time out with colleagues to get wasted and distract herself. Then, when she got to Lily's art gallery, she decided to use The Captain as her distraction, operating under the flawed drunken logic that if she slept with someone else then she wouldn't want Barney so much. But she was too drunk to even be her usually appealing self. She just sloppily threw herself at him, so desperate that it be any man _but_ Barney. She made a fool of herself without question, and she has no desire to ever see or speak to The Captain again, who no doubt still thinks she's an easy lay – and that's probably exactly what he's after now.

But of course Robin can't tell the gang the truth. It's too embarrassing. So when she arrives at MacLaren's and starts rallying against Ted for giving The Captain her number in the first place she knows she's going to have to spin it her way.

Barney makes room in the booth for Robin and she slides over next to him and launches into her tale. With everyone – now his _fiancée_ too – having a crazy story that doesn't star or even involve him, Barney feels the further need to interrupt the narration and reclaim his place. But even Robin shuts him down.

She goes on with her story, her altered version that has The Captain desperately throwing himself at _her_ instead of the other way around like it really happened, and Barney listens in increasing agitation, particularly when she gets to the part about how The Captain invited her back to his bedroom.

By now it's more than apparent to him that The Captain truly _is_ after a booty call, one he's apparently been wanting for quite some time. The idea of this man lusting after Robin, with his charm and money – even more than him – and connections and power…..He doesn't want this guy anywhere near her.

Robin goes on with the retelling much to Barney's dismay. "I walked into his bedroom and there was The Captain, already spread out on the bed. He stared at me, full of lust, and said, 'Finally we're alone'."

Here Barney _has_ to interrupt the story – and for the first time it's not because he's going to claim he was there. He just can't bear to listen to the rest. "Robin, _no_. I don't want to picture that," he objects angrily. It's bad enough he now has to know that Robin did The Captain. The last thing he wants is gory details to further haunt his mind. Out of impulse he brings his scotch up toward his mouth for a much needed drink.

But Robin finds his obvious jealousy cute. "Nothing happened," she promises affectionately.

That stops him cold before he can even take the drink. Because he understands _that_ code. He closes his eyes sharply, grimacing. "Ehhh, that means hand stuff," he hisses, recoiling from the images that now flood his head of Robin being fingered by The Captain and vice versa. And he takes that drink now.

"_No_!" Robin maintains. He looks over at her, still agitated, upset, and unsure. "I'm serious," she vows. "He was on the rebound. I told him to take some time to pull himself together…."

Barney doesn't know _what_ to think and he waffles back and forth between simply taking shallow, perturbed breaths and lifting his glass up to his mouth for more fortifying whisky.

"And….call me in a year and a half," she rushes through the last part.

_That_ pulls Barney out of his disconcerted stupor. He stares back at her, unsettled to the core. "_Aw, great_." There isn't even a shadow of a doubt that the man is after getting into her pants as quickly as possible. "What if he asks you out?" And what if Robin is lying to spare his feelings? Maybe this isn't a booty call at all but a re-return, a backslide, whatever you want to call it, because The Captain already hit that once and now he's looking to again. "What does that mean for our relationship?"

Of course he knows what Robin is going to say, that she'll turn The Captain down. She'll tell him no. She would never cheat on him, and that Barney does believe. But just as the question comes out of his mouth he happens to turn and remember that Marshall and Ted are there too.

They ignored his familiar Barney antics before but surely _this_ will get their attention if he amps up the outrageousness now. He even makes eye contact with them for a moment to cue a man-to-man understanding: _Hey, guys, look what I'm about to say_.

And in the process maybe this will make Robin a little jealous too, the way her story of potential sex with The Captain has made him. A little tit for tat – and to demonstrate just how unbothered he is by her liaison.

Robin just crosses her arms over her chest, sensing one of his long tangent-filled diatribes is coming.

"What, are we planning to be in some super enlightened, forward-thinking marriage – "

And now she blinks repeatedly, the way she does when dealing with an emotional blow, good or bad. In this case it's distinctly unpleasant because he pretty much just referred to a scenario where she would be free to sleep with someone else, like The Captain, as "forward-thinking".

" – where we don't get hung up on the suffocating and outdated principles of monogamy – "

Monogamy is suffocating and they should be free to sleep around? Robin leans against the booth, peeved and disturbed.

" – and instead enjoy the company of multiple partners – "

She _knew_ that was coming.

" – sometimes bringing said partners into our marital bed – "

Oh, so it gets better. He's not just advocating they be free to sleep with others but _she_ should join in and take part in threesomes with him. Unbelievable.

" – but just girls, not dudes, except maybe one time just to see what that's like? I mean, is _that_ what you want?"

Throughout the entire rambling speech Barney can scarcely look at Robin. He's jittery and fidgeting; he can't even hold his hand still. Because he knows what he's saying is bad – wrong, despicable – even as he's saying it. And he knows there's going to be hell to pay for it later too. She's staring daggers at him, her eyes caught somewhere between anger, annoyance, and troubled concern.

He looks back over to the guys nervously because he knows he's been a real jerk and he can't say he really blames Robin for the lambasting that's about to come. But all she says is an infuriated, "_No_," her arms crossed, studying him carefully.

"Oo-kay, me neither," he retorts with all the obvious guilt of a little boy who just got caught cheating in school but someone skirted punishment.

Robin doesn't miss his guilty attitude and her troubled expression grows. So this must be what he spends his time thinking about, how great life would be if he could talk her into an open marriage. Whatever happened to she's the only woman he wants to be with? She turns away from him, rolling her eyes in resentment irritation.

Barney notices that Ted does seem mildly amused now by his inappropriate behavior, but it's hardly worth it. He takes a long drink, regret already sinking in. And the matter of The Captain _still_ hasn't been settled.

Marshall insists that she call him and Robin relents. Barney starts to protest – he doesn't want her talking to the guy now more than ever – but she's already reaching into her back pocket for her phone. They exchange a quick look and he opens his mouth again but she'd already on the way to dialing. He's in no position to be making any demands of her at the moment anyway and he knows it. He's forced to silently twist his mouth, holding in his objections. Eventually he takes to looking up at the ceiling, trying to convey a nonchalance he isn't feeling. And now that Robin is cross with him she might milk this situation with The Captain's for all it's worth just to get under his skin. He listens to her talk, drumming his fingers against his glass in agitation.

Robin could have a little fun at Barney's expense, and after what he's said he certainly deserves it. But, even upset with him, the thought never cross her mind. She loves him and she's faithful to him – two points that never waver – and she's determined to set this straight right away. "Look I, ah, have to be upfront with you….I'm engaged," she tells The Captain, frank and honest and unmistakably clear. She even sets her hand on Barney's forearm, stroking his wrist reassuringly as she says it.

Barney smiles broadly, staring up at the ceiling again – only this time happily – as he reflects on how lucky he is. He just acted like a Grade A scoundrel, an absolute jerk, but even when she's clearly upset with his behavior she's still touching him, declaring her devotion to him, and turning down The Captain cold. She really must belong to him and love him unconditionally.

A smile still playing on his lips, he looks over at Robin as she asks The Captain to hold and then reveals that it wasn't even _her_ he was after but Lily. It doesn't matter though. He's already seen all that he needs to see. He is one fortunate SOB and he loves his soon-to-be wife dearly, a sentiment that's renewed for about the umpteenth time.

* * *

><p>Upstairs an hour later, Robin sits beside him on the couch and Barney still can't believe how lucky he is. Of course he nevertheless has to interrupt Lily's story to insert himself into the crazy – the original dilemma that started all this – but Robin's not in the mood for it and shuts down his "Daddy's home" antics right quick.<p>

Then Lily tells them all the truth of what happened that night: that _Robin_ was actually the one who shamelessly threw herself at The Captain. Robin protests at first, but Lily is unrelenting and she knows she's caught so she owns up to it.

Barney looks over at her with narrowed eyes. Hearing that _she_ was actually the one to say "Finally we're alone", kick off her heels, and then forcibly kiss The Captain before passing out on top of him, Barney's jealously resurfaces. If nothing else this example renders all his earlier talk of multiple partners ridiculous. He can't stand the idea of Robin being hot for some other guy before they even got back together. Sharing her now would be unthinkable. It would unquestionably drive him mad, probably to homicide; look what he did to poor Alan Thicke just on suspicion alone.

But when Marshall and Lily start fighting over her theft of The Captain's ashtray, despite their little issues Robin and Barney steal looks at each other. This is just the sort of thing they're all over, sharing quips and amused glances like teenagers making fun of the bickering parents. Caught up in the moment and the spirit of the two of them, Robin lets the earlier incident go for the moment and puts her hand on his shoulder, grinning as he looks to her laughingly.

Eventually they're banished downstairs to the bar, and with all the other distractions now removed Barney's mind returns to focusing fully on his ouster from importance in the group.

"I can't believe that was the same ashtray," Ted reflects. "I should have recognized it."

"I know. Me too," Barney once again appends.

"Barney, _you weren't there_." He starts to argue but Ted cuts him off. "Why is it so important that you be part of this story?"

Barney's finally reached a breaking point and the truth comes bursting out. "Because crazy stories are _my_ thing," he asserts, pointing at himself and taking full possession of it. All of them have a 'thing' in life that they enjoy and are particularly good at, not personally or emotionally speaking but just a unique role they fill like no one else can. "You have architecture," he tells Ted. "Marshall has the law. Lily has art. Robin has pleasing me sexually."

Robin closes her eyes and breathes an internal _wow_ that, unlike the rest of them, for her it all goes back to the sex she provides him. It's a little insulting, though this _is_ Barney so she's trying not to see it that way.

"You all have a passion that drives you," Barney continues. They each have these gifts that are distinctively theirs. "Well if I have a passion it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories." Being the master of epic stories is an area that has _always_ been his, both in the retelling and the actual living and creating of said adventures for himself and others. "If you can do that without me then…" Then my role is already filled. Then I'm not needed. Then I _have_ no identity. "…I don't even know who I am anymore." After his profound and painful admission, Barney sighs, staring down at the table glumly.

Robin tilts her head, studying him protectively. She had no idea it was this serious, that something so significant was at the heart of his acting out and interrupting their stories all day. They're still going to have to talk about what he said earlier, but for now she just wants to make him feel better. If he feels lost and unincluded, then it's up to her to make him feel involved and very much needed again, an integral part of the group.

She looks over to Ted with compassionate eyes and the slightest quirk of her eyebrow, silently begging him to let Barney have this one.

"You know what, Barney?" Ted relents, taking Robin's prompt. "Now that I think about it, you _were_ there."

Barney looks up cautiously, wondering where this is headed and if it's going to come back to bite him in the end with Ted shutting him out again, stealing his thunder.

"That's right. You were," Robin jumps to confirm.

Barney turns to her hopefully. "I was?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, I _know_ I was." She smiles ever so slightly and he sends her silent thanks for what he knows she's doing – lifting his spirits, making sure he feels included and important. "That's what I'm saying guyzs," he says a second later, turning cocky and boastful, his confidence restored.

"We just, ah, we just didn't realize it," Ted goes on, "because…..you were in disguise."

Okay, Barney can work with that. He can weave a crazy story out of that.

"Yep, you were doing, ah…" Robin's mind quickly grabs at something predictably Barney. "…..one of your plays from the Playbook."

At those words, Barney looks to Robin sharply. All at once it's starting to come back to him. He's remembering, for real this time. He actually _was_ there. Lily invited them all to same lame art gallery opening and initially he lied and used one of his always-ready excuses to get out of it. But then all he did was sit at home alone drinking scotch and thinking of Robin, about how much fun he had with her the night before...until she ran away from like she always does, like she always _will_. Confused, torn, depressed and more than a little buzzed, he chose to be awesome instead, deciding what he needed was some strange to clear his head – and that made him turn to _The Playbook_ and show up at the gallery after all.

"On Shelly, the art consultant," Ted fills in, having no idea just how right he is.

Grasping at straws to help Barney along and make this believable, Robin adds, "Yes, it was, um, some play that had to do with art…It was…."

"The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick? A simple play you can do using two everyday household objects: a Prussian military costume and an oil painting of yourself?" He's grinning with excitement now knowing he _actually_ was there that night. This whole existential crisis started over nothing because he honestly was a part of the crazy story all along.

"That's the one…..And it worked on Shelly," Robin proudly boasts for him.

Barney's enthusiasm continues to grow. He _is_ still important, still part of crazy adventures everywhere. "I totally nailed her!"

He's showing a little too much zeal for sleeping around for Robin's tastes and she looks down, perturbed. But she _was_ giving this one to him, and it's just pretend, and long before they were together…..

"And then I nailed her sister, who was even hotter!"

Robin closes her eyes, breathing deeply.

Okay, so he made that last part up, but it earns him a beaming high-five from Ted. "Good times," Barney laughs.

Robin blows out a heavy breath as feelings of frustration, hurt, and anxiety rise up again. It's one thing to pretend so he can feel included. It's another to proclaim it as 'good times' and sound for the second time today like he wishes he could still be out there doing that.

Yeah, they are _definitely_ going to be discussing this tonight.

* * *

><p>The cab ride back to Barney's place is a quiet one and he knows Robin is not happy with him. He got off too quickly and easily before, especially for something where he admittedly deserves to be yelled at. But Robin <em>is<em> annoyed with him, that much is clear, and they'll surely be getting into it as soon as they're alone.

Once they get into the apartment, he closes the door behind them, takes a bracing breath and then turns around. "You're upset with me," he starts them out.

"I'm not upset. I'm confused." She walks further into the room, throwing her purse down on the couch, but then she stops and rounds on him. "No, you know what? I _am_ upset. We have to talk about this."

"Alright," Barney agrees. "Let's talk about it."

"Is that how you really feel? You want to have an open marriage? You want to sleep with other women? You still want to bang your way across the city?"

He knows he really stepped in it this time, but he's got it coming to him and now it's time to clean up the mess. "No."

"Don't lie to me, Barney."

"That's _not_ what I want," he swears, because it _isn't_ what he truly wants at all.

"Then why did you say that? I try to tell myself 'oh, it's just Barney being Barney and he's only kidding around'. But when you say something like monogamy is old-fashioned and suffocating what else am I supposed to think?" she questions indignantly. "You want us to be free to sleep with other people. No, I'm sorry, you want _me_ to join in too and bring these multiple partners into our marital bed." She shakes her head, pinning him with outraged eyes. "You'll be lucky if _you_ get back into our marital bed."

She raises a good point and he knows it. What else _is_ she supposed to think under the circumstances? But that's not how he really feels and he needs to make her understand that even if it is going to be an uphill climb because of his own stupid words. "Robin – "

"Am I crazy?" she interrupts, not yet finished speaking her piece. She's held this bottled in but now it's all coming out and he's going to answer to it. "Because from where I'm sitting _you_ proposed to _me_ not the other way around. And I really can't believe that when you were writing your play all those weeks you expected it to end in me agreeing to marry you but also letting you keep your pickups on the side." She looks away from him, running her fingers through her hair in agitation. "I – I – I don't know what to think. When you suggest that, how else can I feel other than like I'm not enough for you, that being with me alone isn't enough to make you happy? I mean I thought we _were_ happy. I thought you were done with all that. I thought you loved me and I was the _only_ woman you wanted to be with. But here we are two months in and you're tired of me already."

"I'm not tired of you."

"You're tired of _just_ me; you must be. Because you want to talk all about screwing the art consultant and her even hotter sister, and the girl with the knives, and whoever else you fantasize about that I'm just supposed to be okay with you – what was it? – 'enjoying the company of'. When you say stuff like that and then I go back to lie in the bed where you banged two hundred other women, what am I supposed to feel like? Just your number one girl, like that's some kind of honor?"

He watches whatever irritation she had worked up fizzle away, leaving nothing but hurt and misgivings in its wake.

"Tell me the truth, Barney, even if you think it's going to hurt me. Am I just kidding myself here? Are you ready – are you _ever_ going to be ready – to commit to just me alone?" She can't meet his eye when she asks this next question and her voice is quite and small. "Or do you already wish you hadn't asked me to marry you?"

He notices the way her thumb is worriedly twisting her engagement ring and it breaks his heart. "Robin, I'm sorry," he tells her.

He's using _that_ tone. The soft, gentle one he only uses with her and only when he truly means it. She's afraid she knows what's coming next: all of his doubts, his reservations about getting married, his qualms about ever truly settling down at all. "Because you aren't ready. You still want more than just me."

"NO," Barney emphatically conveys – sincerely, adamantly so there's no room for mistaking him on this. "No, that's not it at all. I'm sorry because I've obviously done something very wrong here if it's possible for you to still doubt how much I love you."

She looks back up at him then, wanting so badly to believe him. But in this case words are speaking louder than actions and she still can't quite forget his.

"I'm an ass, Robin. I didn't think about how saying those things would make you feel, and I should have, and I'm sorry. But I _didn't_ mean it. I don't actually want us to have an open marriage. The thought of you with another man makes me – " He shakes his head, disturbed. "I don't even know how to describe it. It makes me furious, it makes me sick, it _hurts_ me," he admits. "I'd have to go around the city getting repeatedly beat up by your lovers. Ech," he breaks off, making a face. "I can't even say the word."

But he doesn't get the usual smile from her. She just looks at him seriously. "What about _you_? Do you want to have me but still sleep around some too?"

"No, not for real. You're the one I want to be with, Robin. The _only_ one." He sighs deeply. "It's just that sometimes…."

He trails off and she sinks down onto the couch sadly. "Sometimes you think about still sleeping with other women."

"_No_. I swear that's not it." He has to be completely honest with her, tell her the whole truth that he held in at MacLaren's even if it does make him sound stupid and needy and insecure, because that's what triggered all this and if Robin's ever going to believe him then she has to know.

"But sometimes I feel like without all that I don't know who I am. If I'm not wild and crazy Barney who's out there creating these epic stories to tell, if I'm not _that_ guy anymore then what _is_ my place? I don't have one," he says flatly, finally admitting out loud what he's feared to be true for weeks now. "Ted is running plays and sleeping with unstable girls, and now he's telling crazy stories of legendary nights without me. Don't you see? Ted is turning into who I used to be. And if Ted is become me and taking my place, who does that leave for me to be?" His features twist into panic and desperation. "I _can't_ be Ted, the boring straight guy who corrects your grammar."

That gets half a smile out of Robin even though it was entirely unintentional on Barney's part. He truly is that sincerely distraught at the prospect. "No one wants you to be Ted. _I_ certainly don't."

Barney slumps down on the couch beside her. "But if I'm this typical, monogamous married guy – in other words, Marshall – and I'm not cool, wild, inappropriate, _relevant_ Barney anymore then I don't matter. No one needs me. So maybe I panic sometimes and I feel like that old me at least had a place and a role to fill in the group. I knew who I was back then. I didn't _like_ who I was. I didn't want to be who I was. But I _understood_ who I was. Now I….sometimes I just feel a little lost." He takes her hands tenderly in his. "But I _am_ happy with you, Robin. That's the one thing I know: I love you and I'm happy with you."

It's impossible for Robin to stay upset with him when he's being this sweet and loving and intensely sincere. She never wanted to be upset with him to begin with. All she wanted were some answers and reassurances, and it looks like that's been _his_ problem too.

"Barney, you do have a place. It's_ with_ _me_. You're always going to matter to _me_. And I'm not asking you to stop being you. You can still go out and have adventures. You can still play 'Have you met Ted?'. You can still start your own bar. You can still go lick the Liberty Bell. You just can't have sex with it."

Her unexpected quip catches Barney off-guard and he laughs open and easy. When she smiles in return his heart just turns over.

"I'm not asking you to stop being Crazy Barney. I fell in love with Crazy Barney," Robin smiles. "But I also know there's more to you than _just_ Crazy Barney and his stories. And there's a hell of a lot more to you than all the sleeping around. You don't have to be a clown for me – or for any of your friends – just to matter and be needed. You don't think we've seen through that? You don't think we know that's not who you really are? Barney, I'm going to tell you something honestly because I love you," she discloses, gently playing with his fingers. "You're crazy stories didn't always brighten our humdrum lives. Sometimes we just barely tolerated them to humor you. _Because_ we all love you so much. The _real_ you. That's the only person you need to be."

Robin has a way of uncovering whatever is at the core of what's troubling him and showing him why he never had to be unsettled or upset to begin with. She heals him like no one else ever has or can and he loves her like crazy. He absolutely cannot live without her. Barney's expression softens and melts into pure love as he smiles over at her. "I'm never gonna be irrelevant and unimportant to you, huh?"

"Never," she shakes her head. "But I can't sit around and listen to you imply that you still want to sleep with other women along with me and not take that seriously." He readily nods his understanding but that isn't enough. "Even if you don't mean it, I _can't_ listen to that," she reiterates. "It makes me feel small and disrespected, like you must not love me very much. It makes me feel like me, on my own, won't ever be enough to keep you. And if we're going to build a marriage together, I can't go around feeling that way and expect it to last. So if you're having second thoughts now is the time to speak up."

"Robin, there _are_ no second thoughts. It's not possible. I want to marry you more than anything in this world. I want to build a life with_ you_. I am so sorry I ever made you feel anything less than that." He lets out a weighty breath of self-loathing. "I'm not proud of it, but the truth is when I said those things about an open marriage I was jealous of you and The Captain and I wanted it to _seem_ like I wasn't. I also wanted to make _you_ jealous a little bit too. If someone wanted to have a booty call with you – and at the time I still wasn't sure he hadn't already had one – then I wanted to even it out a little by suggesting the same thing for me. And it just seemed like something that inappropriate Crazy Barney of the wild, legendary stories would say…..And the guys were there listening….." He shrugs helplessly. "I – I don't have a good excuse. I was an idiot, a jerk. I'm sorry. I really am. But, Robin, you are the _only_ woman I want to be with. I'm _not_ just saying that because it's what you want to hear. And if you don't believe that, believe this: I would _never_ hurt you that way. I would never cheat on you. Ever. I promise. I swear on my life."

Robin looks into his eyes and she knows he means it. He loves her and he's happy with her and he does want to marry her. He's right, the reasons for why he said all that _aren't_ good enough; they do make him an ass. But he's _her_ ass, and being an idiot and sometimes even a jerk is rolled all up into part of who he is and who she loves. She takes a deep cleansing breath, resolving to forgive and forget the whole thing. "Okay."

But he doesn't hear her at first, still going on in his determined plea and vow of love. "On my suits, on my – "

"_Barney_," she stops him, smiling. "I believe you."

He breaks out into a relieved grin, pulling her into his embrace. "I'm going to work harder to show you how I feel and prove to you that you're all I want."

"Okay."

Barney draws back away to study her eyes. "_Is _it okay? Are _we_ okay?"

"Yes," Robin promises, "we're okay."

He smiles now too, leaning in closer. "Can I kiss you? I know everything's forgiven if you'll kiss me."

"Come here," she grins, pulling him in by his tie and pressing her lips to his. "I wasn't _really_ mad, more hurt than anything. And worried."

"I'm sorry I hurt you or worried you." He kisses her again, and then a third time more lingeringly. When they part, he brings his hands up to cup her face. "Let's go to your place tonight," he suggests.

"Why?"

"You said lying in the same bed that I've….been with," Barney puts it tactfully, "other women bothered you. I get that. You could have said something before now, you know. Tonight, I want to make love to you – "

"Did you just say 'make love'?" Robin's mouth curls into a teasing smirk.

"Yes...just….I'm trying to be romantic, okay?" Barney answers, embarrassed.

"No, I like it," she giggles. "Go ahead."

"I want us to _make love_," he emphasizes on purpose this time, "in a bed where it's only you and me and no one else haunting the bedroom."

"Actually, Nick has been – "

"Shhh," he cuts her off. "Nope. No. Remember? _I_ get it too. It's _only_ been you and me," he contends, looking at her insistently.

She grins affectionately. "Okay."

* * *

><p>When they get over to the Upper West Side and walk into Robin's apartment she can't help but smile. "The last time we were here together we christened every room." The memory is a good one.<p>

"I was in such awe of getting to be with you again, and the fact that you agreed to _marry_ me," Barney recalls. "It was like a dream. And that never wears out, Robin. I _still_ can't believe how lucky I am."

She kisses him and then walks into her bedroom to kick off her shoes. It's a pleasant surprise for her to find the room looking untouched and immaculate after the "P.S. I Love You" incident Barney since confessed to, and when he sees her looking relieved he reveals that he got 'some people' in to clean up the mess after he ransacked the room looking for her teenage diaries.

After that they watch a little TV, but it's getting late and Robin's still thinking. She believes Barney and all that he said, but it's planted a seed in her mind. Because his monogamy comments don't seem like something that _his_ mind would have gone to straightaway if that wasn't already a secret spot of weakness. And she needs to dispel him of any such fantasies. It's just like the one-night stand withdrawal. As soon as he had a dose of the reality of that, he was cured right quick. She needs to give him a reality check about open marriage too.

When they go in to get ready for bed, Robin makes her move. "Barney, I've been thinking. You wouldn't have said what you did about monogamy and open marriage if at least a _tiny_ part of you didn't actually feel that way, like it would be kind of cool."

He thought this was over with and settled and his features go momentarily panicked that she's not yet ready to let it go. "No, I – "

"Don't worry. I'm not trying to fight. I just thought if that kind of thing secretly appeals to you, maybe we could play a little game of _roleplaying_ an open marriage."

"What?" After everything she said about it earlier, why on earth would she want to do that? "_Really_?" he asks skeptically, thinking there must be a catch in it somewhere.

"Why not?" she asks overly sweetly. "You seem to like it, and it _is_ my passion in life to please you sexually. Isn't that what you said?"

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply. There's the catch. "Okay, I know it sounds bad when you say it out that way, but I didn't mean it like that's all I think you're good for. I actually meant it as a compliment. I was talking about one specific thing in life that we all intrinsically excel at, and all I meant is that you are uniquely, particularly skilled in that area. You are an expert at pleasing me, Robin. It's just….a whole other level. You do it for me like no one else ever has. You have a gift. In other words, our sex life is really, _really_ great. That's a good thing."

"In that case, why couldn't _your_ thing in life be pleasing _me_ sexually? Come on, you of all people don't think you're particularly skilled in that area? You don't think I enjoy our sex life?" she questions doubtfully. Then another worrisome thought occurs to her. "Or is that just not _your_ passion?"

He laughs at that, his eyebrows rising to the ceiling. "Believe me, it's my passion. You know that it's my passion. It's hardly a secret that I get off on getting _you_ off. But I wasn't talking about anything romantic or emotional. I didn't say Lily was Marshall's passion or even that Marvin was. I was talking about our most impressive _skill_. And, yeah, I know you enjoy our sex life, but you like sex." He averts his eyes and his expression transforms into an adorably envious pout. "You enjoyed Nick too, way too much – and you _tried_ to enjoy The Captain."

"Barney, that thing you told me about how all it takes is just one look to get you there? The same is true for me with you. Why do you think I kept winding up in your bed even when we weren't together? I can't stay away, _you_ know that." He seems bolstered at that knowledge and just as he's about to declare pleasing her sexually as his greatest talent in life, Robin speaks up. "But if I were to list your 'thing' in life, what you particularly excel at, as great as our sex life is it wouldn't be that." Barney frowns, but then she reveals, "It would be the way you _love_ me – unconditionally, wholly and utterly and incredibly deeply. I've never been so accepted and loved and adored for _who I am_. No one else has ever come close to making me feel that way. So if you need to be defined by one singular passion and ability in life it's _that_, not crazy stories."

Barney smiles. "I like that. My thing is loving you."

"Yes, it is."

"Better than _anyone_ else," he persists and she nods.

All of his jealousy, misplaced as it is, is going to make opening Barney's eyes to the reality of open marriage that much easier. Step into my web, she thinks. "But if _I'm_ not enough just as myself to please you then I can pretend to be someone else too."

"You _are_ enough for me, Robin," Barney insists. "You couldn't be so fantastic at pleasing me sexually if you weren't enough."

"Even so, if that somehow appeals to you, we should do it. Let's play Open Marriage."

"Why do I feel like this is a trap?"

"No trap," she says. He watches her take off the ever-present necklace he gave her and lay it on the nightstand. Then she walks over to the dresser and gathers up some sort of lacy garment into her arms. "Yeah, we can do this." She crosses toward the bathroom but stops suddenly, looking him dead in the eye. "But remember, we're still _playing_. This is just a game. In no way is this granting my permission for us to do this for real."

"Of course."

That stipulation out of the way, she nods. "Okay…since this is your fantasy – "

"I never said that."

" – you'll be yourself and I'll be some woman you picked up at the bar and want to have a dalliance with on the side. So I'm….." She stops and thinks about it a moment. "…..Tiffany. Yep, that sounds like the name of one of your girls. You go lay down on the bed in nothing by your underwear and I'll get ready for you."

Barney feels uneasy about this already. They've done tons of roleplaying where they're _both_ other people, but they've never role-played a game before where one of them was themselves and one of them was someone else. That's basically roleplaying cheating and it leaves him feeling apprehensive and ill at ease. For all the things he's done to women, he's staunchly against cheating. He lived the other side of that with Shannon and it left him resolutely against it. It's better to avoid commitment than to cheat on someone, and he knows Robin is unwaveringly in opposition to cheating too. "Robin, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Mm-hm," she assents. "The scenario is you picked me up and I came back to your place with you. Oh! And one more thing…..." She kneels on the floor, reaching under the bed for the hope chest he found in his "P.S. I Love You" rifling but never got around to opening because he found the diaries elsewhere first. She lifts the lid and it obscures his vision so he really can't see what's inside but she grabs an object, clutching it in her palm, and then closes the chest, sliding it back under the bed. "Wear this," she tells him, brandishing a golden men's ring. "We're supposed to be married already. This _is_ Open Marriage we're playing here."

She gives him the ring and continues to stare at him vigilantly until he slips it onto the ring finger of his left hand. "Where'd you get this?" Barney asks. He knows they haven't gotten a ring for him yet because she's asked him about what he wants.

"Remember when we cleaned out your apartment of all the plays back when you were dating Nora? Well this was left over from when you pretended to have a wife to make your mom happy, and then I'm guessing you used it for other plays after that. Anyway, I stole it. I kept it. It reminded me of that time period." She points at him sharply before he can even open his mouth. "No jokes."

The fact that she stole this ring and then hid it away just because it reminded her of a time that she now knows he was secretly in love with her tugs at his heart. She must have felt so hurt at that time when he was dating someone else and repeatedly asking for her assistance in helping the relationship along. It just goes to show how much she loved him all along to have taken the old ring back then and kept it like a treasure…And there's that awe he told her about earlier, that absolute veneration at somehow earning her love. "Robin, I – "

"Nope. Call me Tiffany," she says, disappearing into the bathroom.

Barney already doesn't like this game. He doesn't want "Tiffany". He wants _Robin_. But he does as he's told and strips down to his boxer briefs, lying down on the bed. Five minutes later Robin comes out of the bathroom in a short, black, see-through chemise – and she's clearly not wearing anything else underneath. He can see her nipples perfectly, perky and taut and ready for his mouth. _That_ should be his primary area of focus or the fact that she's equally bare downstairs, her lady bits completely on display save for the thin transparent skirt of the chemise. Yet, rather than any of that, what Barney fixates on is Robin's bare left hand.

"You took your ring off."

"I'm not Robin. I'm Tiffany. Tiffany wouldn't have Robin's ring."

He shakes his head, distracted. "Yeah but, after we got it resized I put it back on your finger and you swore you'd never take it off again."

"Tiffany doesn't know that," Robin shrugs. "She's just here for you to plow. She doesn't know you at all. She doesn't want to."

She bounds over to a dresser drawer and after digging awhile retrieves a very familiar silk scarf. It's the one they used to tie each other up with when they dated before.

"Oh my god," Barney smiles. "You still have that?"

Her nose wrinkles in confusion. "Is this something special? I was just going to use it for our anonymous sex."

"Robin, you know it is," he deadpans

"The name's Tiffany, and I don't _know_ anything about you. But, sexy, you can call me whatever you want as long as you give me a good pounding in the next five minutes." She jumps up onto the bed and crawls over to him but stops when her eyes land on the nightstand. "Ooh, nice necklace," she says, reaching over Barney to pick it up. "Is it your wife's?"

He sighs, rolling his eyes and deciding to give in to the role-play; she's not allowing anything else. "I gave it to her for her birthday. Her name's engraved on the back."

"It's nice…..I think I'm gonna wear it. How hot will that be for me to wear your wife's jewelry while I'm doing you?"

His eyebrows furrow in displeasure. "Just put it down." And when she still keeps holding it up to her neck he adds, "Please."

"Whatever." She lets the necklace fall through her fingers and indiscriminately down onto the bed where Barney retrieves it and puts it back on the safety of the nightstand. Then she blows out an annoyed breath, tugging at his underwear. "Get these off and let's get to it," she says impatiently, slinging her thigh over his hips to straddle him. "I'm not spending the night. Just a quick lay, in and out if you know what I mean, just the way you like it from your girls on the side."

He sighs in distaste, or irritation, or something that makes him restless and uneasy. He doesn't like her this way. He's not enjoying it at all. But she ignores him, pushing up on her knees and pawing at him.

Seeing "Tiffany's" ring-less left hand trying to pull down his boxer briefs just seems wrong – and not in a _good_ way. Not only is he not turned on by this the way he should be, but he just plain doesn't want to do it. It feels uncomfortable and unsexy and not right at all. When it becomes clear that he's not going to help her out with the underwear situation she gives up and simply reaches down to cup him through the fabric, but he puts his hand out, blocking her. "No. This isn't – "

"What's the matter?"

"I'm just….I'm not feeling this. I'm – I'm not into it," he mutters, staring down at the bedspread.

Inside, Robin's heart is singing because she just proved her point even if he doesn't realize it yet. But she wants to show him what it would be like from _her_ side of things too – something that will surely hit even closer to home. "Okay. Then why don't you be the other man?"

Before he can answer one way or the other, she bounces off the bed, hurrying back into the bathroom to get her ring and put it back on. "I'm Robin again," she clarifies. "And you're some guy." She shakes her head indifferently. "I don't know; I forgot your name…"

She hops back up on him, straddling his waist and leaning over him with a seductive smile. "Well, I see that you're married," she points at his left hand. "But that's okay because I'm in an open marriage too." She casually flashes her ring for him to see. "Yeah, I love my husband but sometimes I need some outside action too. Why should marriage limit me from getting all the strange I want? So tonight I went out to the bar looking to ride some random guy and ride him hard," she laughs carelessly, setting her palms to his pecs.

By now Barney knows what she's doing but it doesn't make it any less off-putting. Truthfully, it's _really_ bothering him hearing Robin talk this way.

"But it's totally okay if I ride someone else tonight," Robin assures her 'stranger', "because my husband's out somewhere getting some too. And, lucky you, you get to be the random guy who screws my brains out while my husband's across town nailing some hopefully disease-free bimbo of his own. And when we both come home tomorrow morning we'll compare notes – positions, number of orgasms, lube flavors, all that. Then we always high-five each other on our conquests. Or if you're _really_ lucky maybe we'll include you in one of our sordid, meaningless threesomes. Our bed is like a petri dish; that's just how we get down. We're very forward-thinking and non-suffocated," Robin smiles, using his own description against him.

She leans down even further, rubbing her hands up and down over his chest and rocking lightly in his lap, giving a very professional porn-like rendition of a woman who's very into what's about to happen. And Barney feels something dangerous building in him, something sharp and affronted that comes along with the mounting urge to smash a TV somewhere.

"You can take a turn with me while my husband watches. Then he'll have a go right afterwards when I'm still trembling from you."

Her words and the zeal with which she says them, the vivid images they put into his mind, fuel the pressure-filled jealous rage that's about to explode.

"And, later, you two can double-team me….Maybe I'll blow my husband while you're hitting it from behind, or you both can stick it – "

"_Stop_!" he yells. "_Just stop_."

He's panting in agitation and Robin has so rarely in life _ever_ heard Barney raise his voice. His violently strong, visceral reaction is a little surprising to her even when she was trying to provoke it out of him.

He lets out an audible sigh, deflating. "I get it, okay," he tells her in an open, raw tone. "You've managed to completely and forever take _any_ excitement out of an open marriage fantasy. I couldn't get a boner now if I tried – and you're hovering over my junk mostly naked. What's the matter with me?"

"Nothing." Robin sits back on his thighs, smiling gently. "You just have to let your head catch up to your heart. You don't really want those things. Your heart already knows it. Your mind might still think it _sounds_ good sometimes, but you don't actually want it. That's why you got freaked out about one-night stand withdrawal when Ted was out having crazy club sex. It sounded like something you would've done and that a part of you might miss. Until you found out it was your sister and you thought about the reality of it. The random girl whose body Ted was using to drill every which way was your sister. Rather than falling in love and finding something meaningful she was out giving it up to any guy who showed an interest, and you know how empty and broken that leaves you. When reminded of the harsh truth of one-night stands they lost all their appeal. And now, three weeks later, maybe you forgot that a little and thought it might sound nice to have something meaningful _and_ still sleep around too. But the reality of that is just as ugly. Barney," she laughs softly, "you couldn't stand to hear about what you _thought_ I'd done with The Captain over a year and a half before we were even together. That's not a guy who wants an open marriage."

"Eck," he sighs. "I can't get that picture out of my head of you and me – and some dude." He shakes his head against the pillow as if trying to forcibly dislodge the image. "I wouldn't get off on that. I'd _kill_ him."

"But it's not just about jealousy," she points out. "When I was being the other woman you didn't like that either. You didn't want 'her' touching my things. You didn't want 'her' even touching _you_ – and that's when the 'other woman' was _me_." She puts her hand on his arm, her thumb warmly rubbing over his skin. "Would it really make the scenario any better if you took a turn with some girl while _I_ was in the room? Or you got us both in our 'marital bed', like you suggested, and had me suck you off while you motorboated her – or maybe she's jerking you off while you're kissing me."

Barney makes a face. "Actually, no, that's not much better."

Robin pins his gaze. "_Why_?"

"Because I'd feel guilty, alright," he admits. "It would feel like cheating, and just…._wrong_. Even if you told me I could, I still don't know if I could go through with it. And to have you there too, doing you both? No," he shakes his head again.

"But a threesome, isn't that the fantasy?"

"When you're single it is, but you're not some whore I use for sex. You're my fiancée. You're going to be my _wife_. It means something with us and I wouldn't want to ruin it that way."

Robin smiles. "Exactly. Which is why open marriages are gross. Face it; you're into monogamy." She pats his chest tenderly. "Because the reality of having your cake and eating it too is too revolting even for legendary womanizer Barney Stinson."

"You're right," he grants freely. "I couldn't do that with you. I couldn't compare notes of our random screws over the breakfast table. I couldn't _stand_ to listen while you talked about some guy you banged any more than I could tell you all about how I nailed some chick last night. That's disgusting. But that's what it would really be like." He shakes his head as full realization of the ugliness of it rapidly sinks in. "I don't know what anyone would ever find appealing about that."

She climbs off his lap to lie down next to him on her bed. "I don't either. That's what my parents had. And you know how that turned out."

Barney's face blanches. He hadn't even made the connection until now that his open marriage joke might personally strike a nerve from her traumatic, very dysfunctional childhood and adolescence. "I'm sorry. I didn't even think about that."

"It's okay," she shrugs.

"No, it's not. God, I'm a thoughtless pig sometimes."

She turns her head on the pillow to face him. "I'm just glad you're cured."

"I love you, Robin. You know that. And even if this open marriage idea was something that I wanted – which I _don't_ – I would still give it up for you. Giving up other women? That means nothing to me when I get to be with _you_." He turns onto his side and leans down to kiss her softly.

When he pulls back away, Robin smiles. "I can't believe you were jealous of The Captain."

"I can't believe you thought I didn't want to marry you. I wrote "The Robin" for you. I ate wasabi for you. That was awful; I almost _died_ for you."

"What?" she laughs, bemused. "That was for _me_?"

"Robin, most of what I've done in the past two and a half years has been for you."

"Do you know why I threw myself at The Captain that night?" she asks, admission for admission. "I didn't just suddenly want him. That was the night after you first showed me the green screen thing at your apartment and you made it into Italy for me. Then we went to the cigar bar and ended up on our second carriage ride. I wanted you, Barney – I _loved_ you – but I was afraid to. And I thought you didn't want _me_. You said you were gonna go pick up some girl. My feelings were hurt and I was trying to forget you. That's why I got drunk and came on to The Captain."

"I lied. I didn't go anywhere but home that night. And the only reason I ran a play on that art consultant – "

"Wait? Are you saying you really _were_ there?"

"Not with you guys, but I did go to the gallery that night and run "The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick" play. But it was only because I was sure _you_ didn't want me."

"I can't believe you were really there," Robin gapes, laughing. "We did have fun that night before though, didn't we?"

"Yeah, we did," Barney agrees easily, setting his hand to her waist. "I almost kissed you that night."

"I almost kissed you back."

"I wouldn't have stopped at kissing."

"I wouldn't have either."

He slowly moves his hand over her body but stops tentatively at her ribcage and she reaches up, putting her hand over his and sliding it the rest of the way up to cup her breast through the thin, see-through lace. "Isn't that where you were going?" she smiles and he softly squeezes her, his thumb stroking over her nipple. "Maybe we can see about getting you that erection."

"That's not gonna be a problem now," he promises soft and low in the way that just makes her come undone every time. "Let's see about making love."

She grins at his use of the phrase he admits is his attempt at being romantic. "Making love? How does _that_ go, Barney? Like this….?" She spreads her thighs for him welcomingly.

"Like this….." Barney reaches for her hand and links their fingers, pressing his mouth to hers tenderly. As he kisses her with increasing heat, his free hand settles on her bare thigh and he gradually shifts over until he's made himself at home between her legs.

Robin laughs at his cunning. "I like that. Make love to me some more…."

"Oh, I'm about to."

* * *

><p>The next morning Robin wakes up to find Barney already up and in his boxer briefs, standing by her side of the bed and peering down at her as if waiting for the very moment when she opens her eyes. "What's going on?" she asks him warily and he sits down beside her.<p>

"I did something while you were sleeping."

"Oh. _Barney_. You could at least wake me up for it."

"What? _No_. I like you a conscious and eager participant, thank you very much. And _please_. There's no way you'd sleep through all this," he says, motioning a hand down his body.

"Then what did you do?"

"I have a surprise waiting for you at the apartment." He smiles and she can see he's excited. "A brand new bed. Well, a new mattress anyway – and the lube dispenser is gone."

"Barney, you didn't have to do that," she tells him as she sits up, but he can tell that she's pleased.

"I don't want you feeling anything by sexy and loved when we're in bed together. So I got us a new bed that hasn't even had its maiden voyage. The only action it's ever gonna see is ours – and it's thanking the mattress angels that it should _be_ so lucky." Robin laughs softly and her happiness spurs him to quickly spring the second part of his surprise. "And there's more. I want you to pick out all new bedding."

She hadn't noticed until this moment that Barney's been hiding one of his arms behind his back but he whips it out, revealing a catalog which he promptly hands to her. "I've got a guy waiting to buy whatever you choose and have it all ready for us when we get back."

Robin bits her lip. "I can't believe this." Beaming, she dives into the catalog, scooting over to make room for Barney as he comes to sit up on the bed with her. He slings his arm around her shoulders and they lean against Robin's headboard while she flips through the pages. Midway through the catalog she hits upon a bedding set that catches her eye. "This one looks nice," she tells him. "It matches the color scheme in the bedroom and it's not too feminine."

"The one with the sparkly pillows?"

"They're just throw pillows for decoration. You take them off when you go to bed."

"Or, if you want to make it interesting, we could use them for sex play."

"That too, I guess," Robin smirks at him.

"Whatever you want, baby."

* * *

><p>Later that afternoon they let themselves back into the apartment and go immediately to the bedroom, standing before the newly made-over bed.<p>

"I love it," Robin announces. "Do you like it?"

"I do," Barney determines with a nod of approval. "It suits both us and the Fortress of Barnitude."

Her smile is huge as she turns and throws her arms around his neck, wrapping him up in a tight, full-body hug. "Thank you for this, Barney."

"Oh, this isn't just for you. This is for _us_. After all, it comes with an awesome perk."

"What's that?"

"We get to christen the new bed."

"Mm, that's right, we do." She takes his hand, pulling him over with her to tumble down onto their new bed. "Let's break in these sheets."

* * *

><p>That night at MacLaren's, Lily tells them all about the job offer she received when she went to see The Captain, and Barney can't resist butting in again just to tease Robin and get her all riled up at his untimely interruption. "And she said 'yes'. Guys, it was amazing. You should have been there."<p>

"Barney," she scolds him, lightly slapping his thigh, which is even more of a reaction than he expected. He loves it. "Let her tell her story," she admonishes, and he looks over at her, barely containing his laughter.

Marshall finally quiets them long enough for Lily to confirm that she did say 'yes' and the gang explodes into cheers and applause.

Barney laughs over to Robin. "Told ya! Told ya. _How_ would I know unless I was there?"

Robin reaches across the table to take Lily's hand and congratulate her, but a second later she looks back at Barney, grinning. "You know very well there's _no way_ you could have been there because you spent this afternoon with me, christening our new bed."

He doesn't miss that she called it 'our' bed instead of 'his' bed, the way she's always previously referred to the apartment and everything in it. "Alright, you got me. I wasn't there. I was with you – more preciously, _in_ you – which makes a much better story anyway."

"Yeah? And just who are you gonna tell it to exactly?" she asks with a raised eyebrow.

"You. Tonight."

And, sure enough, on the cab ride home: "This legendary tale begins when you and I walked into the bedroom and first saw our new bed….."

He embellishes the story with sexual feats that never happened and she's pretty sure are beyond human capabilities but it doesn't matter because she loves him and all his crazy. He's positively incorrigible – and she wouldn't have him any other way.


	42. 818

**Weekend at Barney's**

* * *

><p><em>I don't want to lose you now. I'm looking right at the other half of me.<em>

_The vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold._

* * *

><p>Barney's home from work early before Robin gets there, <em>The Playbook<em> in one hand as he slides the vase on his dresser activating the Ho Be Gone Sleep System with the other.

Keeping the original _Playbook_ was never meant to be some dark secret between him and Robin. When he initially came up with the idea of burning _The Playbook_ it was as a part of his play to convince Robin of the validity of his "relationship" with Patrice and hopefully spur her into action. Also, quite imperatively, it was to show her that he's finished with that lifestyle and ready to commit. Nevertheless, he always planned to use a decoy book. Being done with that lifestyle didn't mean he had to obliterate everything connected with who he used to be. Burning it was symbolism plain and simple. It symbolized the death of the old Womanizing Barney. That's what made him go from simply destroying a fake for show to _actually_ burning the ceremonial _Playbook – _which was perhaps even more sacred than the original because of the pageantry tied to it and its use at formal, revered events – because it _did_ mean something to him. And it still signifies.

However that didn't stop him from wanting to keep a copy of the book even after he and Robin became engaged. It's not that he planned to use it for himself or have it as a backup should he ever want to return to that way of life. That's not what it was about at all. But he'd spent so many years, so much time and effort, coming up with the greatest one-night stand schemes possible – and only the best of the best actually made it into _The Playbook_. Years of his creative energies and talents are poured into that book. It's his masterpiece that he spent not just time but so much of himself in the crafting of. His inimitable ideas and schemes have always been of great consequence to him, and even though that chapter of his life is irreversibly and unmistakably through it doesn't make it easy or even appealing to destroy years' worth of work, especially when there are plenty of single men still out there – like Ted – who could benefit from the knowledge. If it wasn't for the fact that it would fall into the hands of the female population, therefore rendering it null and void, Barney would have had it officially published years ago to help out bro-kind.

But now unfortunately it _has_ become an issue, this secret between him and Robin. He was never intending to just come out with the information. Why would he? How would that even come up? 'Absolutely we should have chicken and fish at the wedding – and by the way, baby, I still have a copy of _The Playbook'_? He knew from the beginning she wouldn't _love_ the idea that it wasn't totally destroyed, but now after the way she got upset over his open marriage joke it's very clear to him that Robin's reaction if she ever were to find _The Playbook_ would not be a good one. There's no need to worry or concern her with the truth when it might lead her to draw an incorrect conclusion. So its discovery is something he hopes to avoid for both their sakes. After all, it's just a book; why let that hamper their happiness?

That's why he's taking precautions now and moving it from the hiding space she knows about, in the Stormtrooper activated ceiling unit, to beneath the second bed of the Ho Be Gone Sleep System.

As he slips the book under that bed Barney can't help smiling at how he's had that one too changed into the Robin-approved new bedding from their real bed despite the fact that she still doesn't even know of its existence. Because even the hidden parts of him belong entirely to her and the Ho Be Gone bed has to reflect that too.

Just as long as Robin doesn't find out _The Playbook_ still exists – and why would she; it's not like he's going to be trotting it out and using it – he can still have a keepsake of his life's work, she won't take it the wrong way, and everyone stays in their happy love bubble.

But the idea of it laying there beneath them, the explosive secret of it and just the very fact that he has to hide the truth from Robin that he still values the book at all, keeps _The Playbook_ and its plays weighing heavy on his mind.

* * *

><p>Several hours later, Robin is suddenly jolted awake in the middle of the night by Barney screaming at the top of his lungs. "What is it? What's wrong?" She bolts upright on high alert and reaches for him, immediately looking around for signs of danger and the cause of this trouble.<p>

But the trouble is all in Barney's mind. He's unsettled trying not to think about the banned _Playbook_, trying to banish it from his thoughts. But it's like the _Tell-Tale of Heart_ beneath them and his mind won't stop going there. "The plays, Robin, the plays. The ingenious techniques I used as a bachelor to pick up busty dullards."

She can't believe this is why he woke her up like that, then again this _is_ Barney. Still, she sighs, running her hand over her forehead.

"They just keep coming to me." He blinks heavily, willing them away. "I can't turn them off."

Robin pushes up on her elbow and onto her side to lean over him. She seems to have a way of calming him and she's going to do her best to utilize it now. "Okay, Barney. Let me ease your mind, okay?" she placates, setting her hand to his shoulder.

He beams. "Alright." It's not what he had planned but he's definitely up for it. He lies back comfortably. "Here we go," he says, lifting the covers for her and tucking his arm beneath his head, ready to enjoy himself.

Robin barely pays that wishful thinking any mind. It's past two-thirty in the morning and he just woke her from a sound sleep screaming about plays. Sex, he's not getting, but she will offer him a little emotional comfort. Barely able to keep her eyes open, she props her face on her hand. "Remember when you set your _Playbook_ on fire?"

Barney freezes, his eyes wide and his expression suddenly troubled as guilt prickles through him. But the thing is the burning of the ceremonial _Playbook_ was real. He did actually burn it – and he meant it. He _doesn't_ need it. It's done for him. That guy who was out running plays to pick up one-night stands is dead and gone and buried. "The Robin" _is_ the last play he'll ever run. That's not why he kept the original. But he knows that if _she_ knows a copy still exists she's not going to see it that way.

And, indeed, all Robin can think of is how far Barney's come from what he used to be – all the plays and the pickups and the wild, anonymous sex with strangers. To go from _that_ to destroying his _Playbook_, finally ready to fully commit and own his deep-seated desire for love and forever with just one woman instead of a parade of one-night stands is quite a remarkable journey, one she'd spent years hoping but doubting he could – or would be _willing_ to – make.

She rubs her hand over his pec, her pinkie softly toying with his nipple. "That was the moment I realized you were someone I could marry," she tells him while lovingly stroking her thumb over his chest.

She's looking up at him dotingly and Barney can hear the emotion in her voice. How can he ever tell her the truth after she's said that? He had no idea Robin has put so much stock into what she knows was a part of his play. She can never find out the moment that convinced her he's marriage material wasn't entirely honest. By reverse logic that would now make him no longer marriage material in her eyes and he can't have that.

He could just nod and keep quiet, saying nothing at all, but his mind and heart still feel guilty – and he doesn't want her changing her mind – so he overcompensates to keep her version of events intact. "And I'd burn it again if I could," he vows and she smiles at that.

But he would. He's not just feeding her crap to appease her. He used the ceremonial copy for a reason. He wholly believes in the symbolism of the gesture and he'd burn it again and again every time.

He's through with the teachings and concepts of _The Playbook_ and more than ready to commit only to Robin, the love of his life and his soon-to-be wife in exactly three months' time. What does he need to be worrying about plays? "You're right. I'm done with all these plays."

Robin pats his chest, settling back down against her pillow, glad that the crisis is over and she can go back to sleep.

"Besides," he adds, "there's no way I'll ever come up with anything that tops "Weekend at Barney's"." He's done his best work already and made his contribution to single guys the world over. Now he can just enjoy his life with Robin.

She sighs drowsily, curling against him and falling asleep. Contended and smiling, Barney drifts off too but is swiftly thrown into a dream of a new play – "Weekend at Barney's II" – and twenty minutes later he wakes up screaming just like before.

This time Robin's lost her patience and yells at him for being startled out of sleep twice in less than an hour. But he can't help it. He's so used to his mind being open to it for the past fourteen years that it's hard to turn it off. He even used to keep a _Play Journal_, like Ted's _Dream Journal_, next to his bed for the good ones that cropped up in the night just like "Weekend at Barney's II" has now. These things just come to him and it's still a bit of an adjustment to shut that creative pickup-artist spigot down, especially now that his mind has been all wrapped up in _The_ _Playbook's_ continued existence for the past week.

But he doesn't mean anything by it. He still has no plans to use the book or ever add to it again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm done, I promise. I won't wake you up any more tonight." And after apologizing he spoons up behind her, gathering her into his arms to relax her back to sleep.

* * *

><p>The next day after work Barney and Robin meet at MacLaren's for a drink and the others are scheduled to show up soon too. After they overslept, no doubt from being tired after the repeated disturbances in the middle of the night, they missed their usual morning sex and it's making Barney a little twitchy. It doesn't help that Robin looks so particularly attractive today.<p>

"Mmm, you are so _hot_ in that dress." And he clearly means it judging by the way he's drooling at her from across the booth. "It's been driving me crazy ever since you put it on this morning. Let's skip the drinks and go have sex in the ladies' room first. I'll make it worth your while," he cajoles.

"You always do," she smiles. "But you know we can't; Marshall and Lily are on their way."

Barney pouts. "I'm like an addict who missed his hit and now I'm jonesin'. I've been turned on all day at work. It's uncomfortable."

"You could have taken care of it yourself….." Robin puts out there.

"I _tried_ to, but I'm spoiled for your skills. Lil' Barney wants you and you alone. We could hurry. He's ready for you already."

"I'm sure he is, but you know there's no time. They'll be here any minute."

Barney sees them coming over her shoulder before she's scarcely finished the sentence. "They just walked in," he groans to Robin's amusement.

She lifts her hands, palms up. "See there."

He opens his mouth to say they could still run out for a quickie before they get to the booth, but Lily and Marshal are already sliding in next to them. Barney looks down at the table defeated and Robin giggles, her eyes on him the whole time, still smirking several moments later.

The first words out of Lily's mouth are to tell them about some gallery opening tonight. Robin looks to Barney like a deer in the headlights – there's no way she's going to that – and she starts to make their apologies to Lily before her mind has even come up with a plausible lie. She's caught grasping but luckily Barney has her covered. Impromptu lying is a particular skill of his that comes in handy in situations like this.

Barney has forever had his readymade excuses on hand, but since he got engaged to Robin he's now refined them to a couple's excuses and carries tickets for _her_ now too. They're in this together after all. Plus if he's getting out of whatever it is he needs to get out of he doesn't want Robin trapped in it. He wants her there by his side, free to do what _they_ really want.

The particular lie he throws her way like a lifeline now happens to be front row seats to a Genesis reunion in Madison Square Garden and Robin jumps on it readily, so glad he's looking out for them and has his little pretexts always ready. Who needs a boring gallery opening when they could be doing something awesome instead?

"It's gonna be legen – wait for it – " Robin smiles at his familiar catchphrase but Lily interrupts before he can finish to inform them she wasn't even inviting them in the first place. "Oh, thank god. There is no concert," Barney openly admits, tearing up the tickets. He meets Robin's eye and she grins back at him adoringly, utterly amused by his bold acknowledgement of the lie.

When Marshall then starts trying out his art jokes on them, Robin is the first to jump to another lie to explain why they can't stay and hear any more. But, again, she's coming up empty on spur-of-the-moment excuses so she turns meaningfully to Barney, wanting him to save her with another of his lies. She points at him, prompting him to help her 'remember' why they can't stay and he takes the hint like a champion, immediately providing her with the fib she requested.

Just as he whips out new tickets and hands her one and they start to take off Ted arrives and stops them with the hand-delivery of their wedding RSVP to Robin.

She had them all return addressed to Barney's place since she basically lives there too and the responses have been rolling in for weeks now. Every time she gets a new one it makes it that much more real and she gets that much more excited for the wedding. It's become a daily routine of theirs each evening. She checks the mail for response cards and then reads the RSVPs to Barney while they sit on the couch together and relax over a scotch.

She happily rips Ted's open now, but that happiness bursts an instant later when she sees Ted has added a date to the wedding – and it's Jeanette.

Barney groans at the thought that Jeanette might still be a part of their lives three months from now. "So you're bringing a 'plus one'."

"If you count the voices in her head, it's 'plus five'," Robin complains bitterly and Barney laughs, completely enamored by her. Both of them hate Jeanette – all four of them do, really, but he and Robin don't even bother to hide it to spare Ted's feelings.

Regardless of their frank disdain, Ted insists that he _is_ bringing her. And then he lays the bombshell "just so this doesn't turn into an argument later" that Jeanette is going to wear a technically eggshell-colored dress to the wedding.

Robin scowls at him in a fury. _Oh hell no_.

"The shoes are white though."

She looks over to Barney, throwing him a 'do something' expression and he gives her a reassuring 'calm down; it'll be okay' look in return.

"And the gloves….._And_ the veil."

"_Mosby_! Get your – "

Robin tries to forcibly go after Ted to drag him back and beat some sense into him if necessary but Barney reaches out and takes her forearm. "Shh. Shh. It's gonna be okay," he soothes her.

"But this is supposed to be _our_ special day. And – and….I'm the _bride_." For years she never bought into love and all this marriage business but even before she met and fell for Barney, even when she was in the height of her disbelief, she always knew that for those who chose to get married the bride was the star of the day and it would be unthinkably bad conduct to do anything to disrespect or try to upstage that. "I don't want Jeanette showing up in a freakin' wedding dress!"

"Even if she did, there's no way anyone could outshine you," Barney assures her and the others readily agree.

Her anger simmering down, she offers him a small smile. "Thank you, Barney. But it's not even about that." They all give her doubting looks and she caves. "Okay, it _is_ but it isn't _just_ about that. I don't want her 'crazy' ruining our wedding. There's no telling what she'll do. And you know how Ted gets when he's around her; he loses all better judgment too."

"Hey, look, I agree," Marshall speaks up. "I don't like Jeanette any more than you two, but I don't think there's any way around it."

"Yeah," Lily nods regrettably. "Like her or not, she's Ted's girlfriend right now so unless you want to make it into a big, ugly thing there's really nothing you can do about it."

Barney frowns. "Maybe, maybe not. We'll figure it out later. For now, let's just go home. You'll feel better about it there," he consoles Robin. "I'll run you a nice bubble bath and you can read me our RSVPs." And maybe they can climb into that bath together and he'll make her feel better while she's making him feel a whole lot better too.

* * *

><p>Forty minutes later, Robin dolefully slumps down on the couch. "I still can't believe we have to have <em>Jeanette<em> at our wedding. So help me, Barney, if she shows up in a white dress and veil I can't be blamed if I go all Canadian on her ass."

"Will you let me film it?" He laughs when she glowers over at him. "You do whatever you need to do. I'm behind you one hundred percent." Which is exactly the sort of position he'd like to arrange in the next twenty minutes if he can finagle it.

She looks up at him with an almost-smile. "Weren't you supposed to be drawing me a bath?"

Barney's face lights up. "Absolutely. Coming right up."

Robin is admiring the way he looks in his suit as he walks towards the bathroom when the ping of an incoming text distracts her and she grabs for her purse, hauling out her phone. When she sees it's from Ted a feeling of dread builds. What fresh hell could he be adding now? But what she reads sends delight coursing through her: _Jeanette broke up with me. You get your wish. She's not coming to the wedding._

"_Barney_! Barney, get in here," she calls to him.

Her voice is on the edge of either extreme excitement or extreme panic. He can't tell which as he comes rushing back into the room. "What is it?"

"Look," she encourages him, jumping up from the couch and holding out her phone.

He puts his hand over hers, turning the screen so he can see. "They broke up?"

"They broke up!" Robin exclaims, throwing her arms around him. "She's not coming to the wedding!"

"That's _awesome_," he laughs. "We have to celebrate." Crossing into the kitchen he grabs a bottle of champagne, brandishing it in front of him with two hands like a trophy. "Let's go get our drink on in the bedroom!"

Robin grins and bounds off down the hallway, Barney following on her heels.

The last time they drank champagne was right after they got engaged. They didn't use any glasses. He just sprayed it over her breasts and lapped it off. He's hoping to do the same thing now, which is why he similarly brings no glasses.

When he gets into the bedroom he finds her already kicking off her heels and climbing onto the bed, bouncing up and down and shrieking happily. "No more Crazy Jeanette!" She stretches her arms out to him. "Come here. Come jump with me."

So shoes and all he climbs up too, still holding the bottle, and they jump up and down together. "_They broke up_!" she screams.

He pops the cork in celebration and a stream of champagne goes shooting across the room as they both squeal "AHHHH!" at the top of their lungs, giggling all the while.

Barney watches Robin bounce higher and higher, waving the text message triumphantly. When she bounces that way her skirt flies up and the slit opens even further revealing several more inches of her long bare legs – and Lil' Barney is noticeably rising to the occasion, ready to be just as excited as the spurting bottle of champagne.

"Barney, Barney." She stops jumping suddenly, grabbing for his arm. "Do you know what we should do? We should drink this whole bottle, _right now_. GAH! I'm so happy!"

"Me too! We should definitely celebrate." Robin nods, pulling him down to sit on the edge of the bed with her. "The only one in a white dress and veil will be you….until I take it off you. No one's gonna steal our moment, baby."

Beaming over at him, she starts to reply when her phone pings again and she looks down at the screen warily. "It's from Ted." And it reads: '_I'm going to win her back!_' "What?! Come on, _no_!" Such happiness turned to such sadness.

She shows Barney the text and his face falls. Not only does he not want Jeanette at the wedding for Robin's sake and his own but he was this close to getting some action – and elated, celebratory sex is one of the best kinds.

"She's gonna wear a bridal gown to our wedding, I know it," Robin pouts.

But all is not lost. Establishing physical contact is the first step on the pathway to Nakedville – a place that Robin loves to call home too. In fact, it's exactly what she needs right now.

He begins rubbing her back comfortingly but she's still staring down at the phone, the message mocking her. "I just….I can't….."

"I know. I know," he appeases, all soft mollification and lulling charm as his fingers slide up her back. One little twist and….

She pauses in her crying. "Did you just unhook my bra?"

"Shhh," he soothes again. Moving his fingers up to her neck, he takes ahold of the dress's zipper head, sliding his hand along her spine and pulling the zipper down with him.

Robin turns to look at him with still-trembling lips. "You're trying to get me naked," she shrewdly observes.

"Mm-hm," he admits, setting the champagne bottle down on the floor and wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her to him as he bends to touch his lips to her ear. "I'll make it better." Barney takes her earlobe into his mouth, drawing on it and tugging with his teeth before moving his attention down to that receptive little place where her jaw and ear meet. Lavishing hot kisses along her neck, he pauses here and there to suck and bite at her soft skin, eventually pushing the dress aside to kiss his way across her shoulder. "I'll make you feel _all_ better," he promises, sliding it down to her waist now.

With the dress gone her unhooked bra falls down too, leaving her topless. Barney avidly replaces the fabric with his hands as he kisses down her throat and Robin moans softly. "Okay, yes," she murmurs, surrendering to sensation. "_Yes_. Make it better, Barney."

That's all the encouragement he needs to lay her back against the bed, edging the dress down over her hips and legs and discarding it on the floor. And the very moment they're freed Robin wraps her legs around Barney's waist and her arms around his back, pulling him down on top of her.

* * *

><p>"That never gets old," Barney exhales heartily, passing Robin their cigar to have a toke.<p>

They're lying on top of their bed – they never even bothered to pull the covers down – still stark naked, sharing a cigar and drinking the champagne straight from the bottle after their lovemaking.

Robin takes the cigar from Barney, handing him the bottle now. "Aw, man, this takes the edge off," she sighs, blowing out a perfect circle of smoke. "Sex, champagne, and a Montecristo. This is my kind of comforting."

He laughs. "Well I do have a confession to make: my comforting wasn't entirely altruistic. I _was_ after sex too."

"Oh, I know you were."

Barney smirks. He knew she wouldn't be upset. He was pretty sure she was on to him even before he admitted it. "That's why I suggested drinking in the bedroom."

She turns on the pillow to look at him slyly. "Why do you think _I_ suggested jumping on the _bed_?"

_She_ was after sex too. His mouth drops open in impressed amazement before settling into a wide grinning. "We are _perfect_ for each other."

They high five, laughing, and then she pins him with her eyes. "Do you want do it again?"

"Always. But we can't right now – though I'm definitely taking a rain check. There's something I have to do first." Robin gives him a look of confusion. "I promised to make it better and I will," he explains.

"But you did make it better." She waggles her eyebrows at him. "I 'got better' quite intensely if you know what I mean." Barney chuckles, leaning in to kiss her, and he tastes like champagne.

"Seriously though, you don't want Jeanette at our wedding and I'm _going_ to fix this. I'm gonna make that happen for you."

She shakes her head skeptically. "I don't know, Barney. I appreciate it, I do, but Ted's like a dog with a chew toy when it comes to his women. He may not even _want_ them anymore, but the second anything tries to take them away from him he grabs on stubbornly and won't let go."

"So that's why I've got to get Ted a _new_ girl," he shrugs

"Let me get this straight, you want to leave me here to go out to the bar and score some women?"

"Just one woman. And for _Ted_," he stresses.

He's been thinking about this and Robin's right. The only way to get Ted off of Jeanette is to get him onto another woman. Literally. After that Ted's obsessive, often falsely-optimistic romanticism will transform the one-night stand into a relationship that at least lasts long enough to make it to their wedding. But there's only one surefire way to get Ted a bed companion that quickly and it's hidden beneath the floor….

This doesn't change his resolve to be through with _The Playbook_. He's not faltering on that. This is all for Ted – and truly all for _Robin_. Plus he will be nowhere near the actual use of it so that makes it even more okay.

When Robin still looks hesitant, Barney tells her as much. "And I promise you _I_ won't go anywhere. I'll stay at Ted's apartment and give him tips from there."

"Alright," she agrees. "You go stop Ted from making a big mistake – and, more importantly, from ruining our wedding."

* * *

><p>While Robin's taking that soothing bath after all – alone – Barney activates the Ho Be Gone Sleep System and grabs <em>The Playbook<em> out of hiding. After setting things back as they were, he then heads out to one of his storage units to grab some props and disguises. He's knows where Ted is going tonight and he'll need to ambush him and take him by surprise before he can make it upstairs to Jeanette's apartment.

After stopping the elevator and a short tussle ensuing, Barney insists, "I can't let you do this, Ted." And he can't, he _won't_. "I don't want you getting back with Jeanette." For Robin's sake, he's not going to let it happen. He even trots out his officially retired adage – since he definitely doesn't believe it anymore – that "new is always better" to get Ted to agree to take a _new _date to their wedding.

And to sweeten the deal Barney promises to help him find her. He presents Ted with _The Playbook_ but all his bro can say is, "That's a pretty big secret to keep from Robin."

Of course Barney knows that. If Robin finds out about _The Playbook_ there's no doubt she's going to be peeved; he doesn't need Ted to tell him that. But that's preciously why she _can't_ ever find out: to save them all the heartache. Besides, omission isn't the same thing as out and out lying. They're not Marshall and Lily. They don't need to tell each other _everything_, every little meal they eat apart. And in this case what Robin doesn't know won't hurt either of them.

But even with Robin _not_ knowing about it Barney still won't even come close to actually using it himself. This is all Ted. In another time he would have gone to MacLaren's to wingman him side-by-side. At the very least coaching him from the booth would be preferable, but he's keeping his word to Robin and staying at Ted's apartment, not a part of the pickup in any way, shape, or form.

At their makeshift Command Center helping Ted from afar, alone with a box of donuts rather than going anywhere near hot bimbos, Barney can't understand what's going wrong. The plays are the same. The costumes are the same. Ted is no 10 like he is, but he's relatively attractive. Until he opens his mouth. But even _that_ shouldn't be a problem because the lines are the same too. He's feeding Ted exactly what _he_ would have done and said word-for-word and Ted just keeps getting shot down every time.

"You said it wrong," Barney insists. But can it really _all_ be a problem with delivery? Why isn't _The Playbook_ working for Ted?

Still, Barney keeps doing his best to coach him through. Ted's about to start the Scottish play and if he can just say the line with the proper intonation it might actually work this time. Maybe he should try emphasizing the 'my' instead of 'penis'?

He's just pondering this when the door to Ted's apartment is thrown open and Robin herself come walking in. Instantly worried, Barney sputters, "Robin, what are you doing here?" This is not going to be good. At all. He's gone out of his way not to do anything even remotely wrong tonight, but odds are Robin won't be on board with the use of disguises and plays and…and he just realized that _The Playbook_ itself is sitting out in plain sight right there on the couch. It's too late to try to hide it; she'd see him doing it. He figures he's got about thirty seconds, tops, before all hell breaks loose.

Robin shuts the door behind her, smiling. She got lonely by herself and missed Barney. She's grown so used to sharing his company every night that it wasn't the same in the apartment without him so she decided to surprise him with Chinese takeout while he solves their little 'problem'. "I was curious as to rather you found Ted a date to our wedding who was, you know, a little less antichrist-y." She's in a good mood. She recently had great sex, fine champagne, a quality cigar and a luxurious bath – and now Barney swears he's fixing this Jeanette situation. All is right with the world.

Barney's eyes go to the couch just behind her, in dread of what's coming. She's going to find out. There's no escaping this.

Sure enough, Robin turns toward the couch to sit down and enjoy their dinner – and that's when she sees it.

…..It _can't_ be.

But it is. And that means he lied to her. He never truly burned it. It was all a gigantic lie.

That particular step in the play proved what a committed guy Barney is now ready and willing to be; that's why it was the moment she knew she could marry him. What's more, once she learned the truth of "The Robin" it shed a whole new light on the burning of _The Playbook_. Barney loved her enough to destroy it for _her_, and that meant even more.

But now she knows that none of it was real, which stings badly enough, and then there's also the matter of earlier this morning when he casually and oh so sweetly vowed that he'd burn _The Playbook_ for her again, knowing full well he never even did so the first time. Everything is turned on a dime. How can she even trust him now? "Is that _The Playbook_?" she asks hostilely, looking up at him sharply.

Panicking, Barney tries to bluff his way out of it by pretending he doesn't know what she's talking about. "No, Robin. That…is…a couch." It's weak, borderline insulting even, but he's literally got nothing better than this.

Robin's hand goes to her hip and she taps her foot impatiently, demanding answers. She isn't going to put up with any more B.S. from the king of B.S. whose initials even _are_ B.S.

A long silence falls. The very minute Barney admits to the book's continued existence he's going to have to offer a justification and he honestly doesn't even begin to know what defense to give her. The truth that it's his work and he's proud of it isn't going to float with her at all. He has no choice but to fess up and go in blind. "Oh, you mean _The Playbook_ _on_ the couch."

He's trying to be cute, trying to get around her on this with his charm, but it's not going to work on Robin this time and Barney knows it too. In less than half a second he drops the jokes and melts into sincerity, holding out his hand to ask her to just please wait a minute and hear him out. "I can explain."

Robin cuts him off, holding up _her_ hand now to stop him. "Don't bother," she coldly replies. She isn't interested in hearing any more of his lies. How can she separate lies from the truth if he won't be honest with her even about something as huge as this?

"I can ex-"

But she turns and walks away.

Barney looks back to the screen of Ted floundering over at MacLaren's, but he merely gives him a hastily spoken split-second warning that he's leaving and takes off after Robin, his plays be damned.

Storming off down the street, Robin can feel the tears gathering in her eyes. Barney lied to her.

And _The Playbook_ still exists.

It meant _so_ much to Robin that he'd destroyed it for her. She hated that book ever since he used it like a subtle, emotional weapon against her after they broke up – at least it felt that way at the time. That book and all the flagrant, careless sleeping around he did back then was like a knife to her heart with each new conquest. Over the years since then, his infamous _Playbook_ has come to represent that forever player side of Barney that only wanted random bimbos and one-night stands, the part of him that kept her running away time and time again. Until he finally chose love. He finally chose _her_.

But he didn't. Even on the brink of marrying her, he kept _The Playbook_ – and likely planned to keep it indefinitely. Can she _still_ not quite compete with the glory of that lifestyle? And he lied about it too, by omission at least. It was deception, still and all. It hurts that he apparently still hasn't put her as his number one priority, and he didn't even have the guts to tell her that. Instead he kept it from her and let her _believe_ he had.

Barney finally catches up with her around the corner just past the news stand that's already closing up for the night. "Robin, wait," he pleads.

It would serve him right if she just kept walking down the street and told him to shove it, but even in her fury she's willing to hear him out. No more running away. They _have_ to deal with their problems head-on and get into the real stuff – which is all the more reason why this deception is so hurtful because she thought _he'd_ agreed to that too. She turns back to face him, skeptical that he will actually have any kind of meaningful explanation for this.

When Barney sees her hard, angry expression he instantly knows that nothing he says is going to be good enough. He's floundering, big time. "Um…shoot. I haven't figured out what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going," he encourages lightly. He's ready to play out this little fight with her, which is exactly what he thinks it is: a disagreement, a small fight, nothing earthshattering. And it is a step up from ignoring it and walking out the door.

She rolls her eyes. Oh she'll keep going alright. He's treating this like it's a game but she is seriously upset here.

He sprints after her again. "Robin. _Wait_." She turns back again but she's still in no mood for his shenanigans, that much is clear. He's got no fancy excuses, no way to talk himself out of this, only the truth. So he gives it to her, come what may. "Look, I'm sorry that I still have _The Playbook_. It's just, it's filled with a lifetime of great ideas," he pleads his case. Just because he still has a copy that doesn't change the fact that he loves her and wants to marry her and he's done picking up women himself. But _The Playbook_ has been his life's work. Does he really have to give that up entirely, even in souvenir form? "What? Am I just supposed to leave all that behind?"

Robin's eyes grow huge with frustration because that should be obvious to him. "YES," she gesticulates.

"_But_…."Weekend at Barney's"," he implores, thinking that alone is explanation enough for her to see the brilliance of his work and why it can't just be tossed away.

Robin understands that Barney thought this stuff up himself. These are his own ideas and therefore he has a personal, creative connection to them. But why has he never been able to see how _stupid_ most of these plays are? They're not genius at all. If he wasn't such a charming, hot guy with a killer body he would have _never_ gotten laid using these techniques. She latches on to "The Weekend at Barney's" because she's been hearing too much about that particular play lately and she'll use it to take the wind out of his sails and prove her point.

"Okay, what is that?" she questions with unshed tears plain in her voice. That's how upset she is because even now he's still arguing in favor of his precious book. "Explain "The Weekend at Barney's" to me."

"What's to explain? I play a dead guy and Ted and Marshall carry me around," he smiles.

Robin closes her eyes long-sufferingly. See, stupid. It doesn't even make sense. Why in the world would _that_ get a woman into bed? "Okay, and based on that girls want to sleep with you?"

"Big time," Barney boasts, still proud of his play.

"But you're dead," she points out the obvious blunder.

"Yeah…." It never occurred to him before, the irrationality of this play, and he looks around cagily. "Except not really, obviously."

"But the _girl_ thinks you're dead."

"No, she thinks I'm alive."

"Which you are."

"Exactly."

"Except you're dead."

"_Exactly_."

Robin wipes her running nose from the tears of hurt and frustration clouding her eyes and clogging her throat. "Okay, so instead of – of being an alive person pretending to be a dead person pretending to be an alive person, why not just _be_ an alive person?"

There's no logic in pretending to be a dead guy who's pretending to be alive when he could just be alive the entire time and cut out the need for pretending at all, but then there's no rationale to why these plays were _ever_ so important to him in the first place. He never needed them. He could have gotten hordes of women just being a normal guy. If anything these plays probably hindered him. He doesn't like to admit it, but _she_ still remembers the countless nights he'd get slapped or a drink thrown in his face. The nights when he _didn't_ it was by sheer force of his looks and charisma alone, otherwise no woman – maybe a tragically unintelligent one here and there, but not in those sheer numbers – would have allowed herself to go along with such stupid, implausible lines.

Barney peers off to the side pensively. That actually makes sense. The playing dead part was a totally useless step that did nothing but complicate the play. He would have gotten further faster if he would have just been the alive man he actually was and could chat up the bikini clad hotties.

And actually, come to think of it, none of his plays were working for Ted tonight either…

For the first time it occurs to him that maybe it _wasn't_ the plays. Maybe it was _him_. Maybe he got lucky so often because the women simply wanted to sleep with him and they still would have even without all the subterfuge. But, if that's true, then all of his schemes would be unnecessary – and if he's really honest at least eighty percent of the fun and awesomeness of picking up one-night stands was in the schemes and plays. On top of that, it would render most of his adult life completely pointless, a very difficult truth to acknowledge.

Maybe Robin just doesn't understand the full cinematic connection and _that's_ the problem. "Okay, let's start from the beginning. The movie is called "Weekend at _Bernie's_". _My_ name is _Barney_." It's just begging to be made into a play as far as he's concerned. Surely anyone can see that.

Robin understands his weak rationale alright, but what she can't fathom is why he couldn't just be his normal self rather than all the make-believe of these plays. He never needed all of those ridiculous ploys for a woman to be interested in him. _The Playbook_ has _never_ been what makes Barney awesome, and this particular play is proof of it. "But in the movie, in the play – whatever – you're supposed to be a dead guy and they carry your body around?"

"Right."

"The girl thinks you're alive but you're actually supposed to be dead. Doesn't that defeat the purpose? How can a dead guy preform sexually – and that's the entire goal, isn't it? The scenario is flawed, Barney. How could you even get an erection _to_ have sex with her?"

"Ah, a little something called rigor mortis," he jokes.

"Okay." Robin's had enough and starts to walk away again. There's no convincing him when he doesn't want to open up his eyes and see how silly it all is.

"Oh, come on," Barney laughs, following after her. "Are you really this mad about a book?" He doesn't – he never – thought of it as a big deal. It's just a book of his old work that he wants to keep like a souvenir. That's all.

Robin stops abruptly and turns back around to face him because that is rich indeed. The fact that he kept _The Playbook_ is only just the one half of it. And it's incredible that he doesn't even _see_ the other part of the problem. "You really think that this is just about a book, Barney?"

He regards her, confused and off-guard. If it's not about him still having a copy of _The Playbook_ then what's got her so upset? He truly doesn't understand what else he's done wrong here.

"You _lied_ to me. If we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me. Ever."

He can't lie to her ever? That's a double message so severe it's difficult to wrap his mind around. Because they _both_ lie, often and even to each other. But more to the point, he's _always_ lied. "_Really_?" he questions her in disbelief. "Well that's just great, because in case you haven't noticed these last _eight years_, lying is what I do best." That's who he's been since she met him – and she _knows_ that about him and loves it too.

She _enjoys_ his lies and his schemes and his deceptive, crazy personality. Way back when he was first trying to win her over, trying so hard not to be 'that guy', back on what could be considered their first official date, Robin actually got upset with him for acting too much outside his normal self. She told him it freaked her out and she _wanted_ him to be gross and inappropriate. And when they started actually dating and he tried to comply with a normal standard of coupledom and become like the regular, honest Teds and Marshalls of the world that was one of the main reasons behind their breakup. He was suppressing his true self all the time and Robin _hated_ it. She missed the real him of the lies and the schemes and the zaniness so much so that she'd get annoyed with him just for speaking.

She _fell in love_ with him and _all_ of his lies and manipulation. But now she's saying don't be that way? And yet she doesn't want him to be a Ted either. How is he supposed to know when to be one and when to be the other? She can't have it both ways. It can't be like before. She can't fall for Awesome Barney but then banish him into Boyfriend – or this time, Husband – Barney only to resent Boyfriend Barney because Awesome Barney is the one she truly loves and wants. He has to show her that.

A fireball explodes from his hand and Robin backs up warily, her eyes meeting his.

Barney starts with the magic tricks out of sheer frustration, desperate to make _her_ see now that lying is built up in who he's been, who he is, and who she fell for. "I'm a magician, Robin," he says, pulling a wand out of his suit coat. "Misdirection and deceit are my stock and trade." And now a strung together deck of cards emerges from the other side of his coat.

Robin watches it all curiously, ruminating over what he's saying and looking into his eye with serious interest now.

"_You don't want me to lie to you_?" he asks incredulously. Joined silver rings, like the one on her finger, come out next. "_Lies_ are the reason that we're together." And that's just it. He _has_ to bring up the proposal because that's the ultimate proof of the double message here. He lied to her then for weeks on end and not only was she okay with it but she gave him her consent to marriage as a result, whether she sees it that way or not. "Every single thing I did to get you to say 'yes' to me on that rooftop – " He pulls out an umbrella and spins it around for her. " – Patrice, the false engagement, _everything_, it was all utter malarkey." He makes a dove appear then lets it go it and it flies off toward Robin before fluttering away.

This has always been him: a liar, a misdirector, a deceiver. But any lie is never a reflection on his love for her or the undeniable strength of their bond and the sacredness with which he holds their relationship. Because more than _anything_ else what he feels for her is at the core of who he is and everything he does. "But," he tells her, so genuine and impassioned and sincere, "underneath all of those lies is one _true_ thing."

He pulls out a string of attached handkerchiefs with what she instantly recognizes as one of her bras strung in the middle, adding a touch of him – and her – to this show of magic and misdirection and the truth of who he is and who she loves.

"One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world and – and that's the fact that I love you." Because _that_ is the bottom line. That's the most important thing. Despite whatever lies, and screw-ups, and shadiness might still be and forever will be a part of his personality, the fact is that he loves her. He's always going to love her. And that means _everything_.

The way he says it, so extraordinarily soft and sweet, melts Robin's heart. It's humbling, and her mouth twitches with the power of emotion that hearing him say "I love you" still _always_ causes, especially in a moment like this when she _needs_ to hear it. She blinks; this time from a pleasantly overpowering swell of emotion and love.

"And you know that when I say that I am _not_ lying," he pledges, open and raw and achingly earnest, as he pulls out a top hat, opens it, and confetti falls down. Then he sighs, spent, all the truth out there.

His plea is sincere; Robin can see that. Her mouth twitches and she chews the side of her cheek. She's warring with herself because this is a big deal to let him off the hook just like that, but all she wants to do is run into his arms and be held by him and just go back to the way they were earlier this afternoon.

Barney sees she's not yet relenting but he also sees that she doesn't really want to stay mad at him. It prompts him to pull out a bouquet of flowers and make a grand show of offering them to her, tilting his head to the side as if to say, "This has _got_ to get you, right?".

But Robin slaps the flowers from his hand. She can't make it this easy for him. Yet even as she knocks them away her eyes follow them down to the ground because her heart _wants_ to clutch her flowers from Barney. Her heart wants to forgive him. Her heart already _has_ forgiven him.

Barney remains determined, offering her a second bouquet, undeterred. Tilting his head again, his expression now reads, "You wouldn't really refuse me a second time, would you?"

Robin knows that Barney is always going to be Barney to a certain degree, and she also knows he's right. For the entire time she's known him, he has forever been the manipulator, the magician – _and she loves him that way_. Manipulation was at the heart of his proposal to her and how they are engaged right now. And she loves it. She's come to absolutely _adore_ the fact that Barney ran his last play on her and that's how they're finally ending up married.

She _wants_ Barney to be the awesome, endearingly inappropriate guy she knows and loves and not someone conventional and boring. So then how can she expect him to deliver behaviors that guys as conventional as Ted and Marshall aren't even capable of, like total honesty at all times? It's an eye-opening moment for Robin, one that all comes down to realizing who she fell in love with and recognizing that she actually loves him not just in spite of all those things but _because _of them. She likes him the way he is, a little bit of the bad boy, a little bit of the seductive manipulator. Even if that does come with a few lies sometimes. Changing that would be changing who he is and who she loves.

And he's also right that she _knows_ he isn't lying when he says he loves her too. Robin's lips start to curve upward as she regards this second bouquet. She can't keep fighting it and doesn't want to. Still, she knocks the flowers away again – but this time with a half-smile and holding Barney's gaze as she does it.

He starts to utter a light, "What?" but he can see that he's winning her and he pulls out another bouquet. He's not going to stop – whatever it takes – until he's back in her good graces. That's how determined he is to be with her. That's how much he loves her. That's how sure he is that the two of them are meant to be together. He tilts his head at her once more with a devastatingly adorable look of, "Come on, you love me."

And Robin does, so very much. Nothing has changed since this afternoon. The existence of _The Playbook_ changes nothing. This lie changes nothing. And frankly it would have been unrealistic of him to simply have replied, "I'll never lie to you", and she would be incredibly naïve to believe it. But it doesn't change the bare facts. She was still going to build a marriage with him and trust him earlier today and he's lied to her plenty before now. She's lied to him too. And just look at Marshall and Lily. They have the most successful marriage she's ever witnessed but they still lie to each other – and sometimes even about the huge stuff, like Lily and her shopping addiction and massive debt or Marshall lying about taking the job at GNB and then later accepting the five year contract behind Lily's back. Husbands and wives _do_ lie to each other, even the happiest ones.

Moreover, she understands what Barney was trying to say. Never lying to each other isn't the basis of their marriage or their trust in one another. It's the fact that they _love_ each other. He loves her. The love he feels for her is _unquestionable_. And because he loves her, he cares for her first and foremost and therefore would never do anything to knowingly hurt her. No matter how badly he screws up it's never going to be a question of not wanting or not loving her, and he never _means_ to hurt her or upset her or disrespect her and her feelings and their relationship. _That's_ why she can trust him. The foundation of their current relationship and future marriage is and always will be the love they have for each other. Because at the end of the day he loves her more than anything and that is the truest thing of all.

Robin smiles full-out now, shakes her head slightly, and laughs. Because it's true. Barney is always going to be a bit of a rogue; that's what you get with him. And she _likes_ him that way. She's always laughed the hardest and enjoyed his inappropriateness the most. She _does_ love the scamp in him.

Barney is undeniably imperfect. But he's perfectly imperfect for _her_. Her eyes dancing, Robin steps closer and finally accepts the flowers from his hand.

She's forgiving him. Barney's heart soars at the knowledge and he takes another step toward Robin, but ultimately lets _her_ decide to come the rest of the way to him.

And she does. Holding his gaze, his past words run through her mind, that he knows he's truly forgiven if she'll kiss him.

Barney can see her intentions in her eyes – and they're _his_ intentions too. It's all the opening he needs. When she gets close enough he eagerly dives in for that kiss, and it's a soft and tender and cathartic one. Exactly what they both need.

As they pull away and start to walk down the street together, _she_ gives him a silent look this time that clearly reads, "My rascal. I'm completely on to you and completely under your spell just the same". And he laughs lightheartedly, looking down at the sidewalk, overwhelmed with love and happiness in the way only she can make him.

In the next moment, Robin feels his hand on her back for only a split second but somehow even through her coat….. "Did you just unhook my bra again?"

"Shh. Shh. Shh."

She smiles widely. "You're really pushing your chances there, aren't you? Right in the middle of the sidewalk, just after a fight, and you think you're getting lucky?"

"Make up sex?" he teases.

"Don't you have to get back to rescue Ted anyway?"

"Maybe I can just feel you up a little on the way?"

She rolls her eyes, laughing. "You _are_ incorrigible."

They walk up the street in silence until Barney stops, turning to her. "You're too quiet." That means one of two things: either she's upset, or her mind is busy in thought. Neither possibility exactly bodes well at the moment.

"I'm just still adjusting to the fact of you keeping _The Playbook_." She may have forgiven him but it doesn't mean she _likes_ this new truth.

He reaches up to stroke her face. "I was never going to be out there using it again. I don't want to be. I want to be with you. I'm not going to cheat on you, Robin, whether I have _The Playbook_ or not. Why would I want to do that? Why would anyone leave heaven to go back to hell?"

"I know that. I knew you weren't trying to use it for yourself. Honestly? I just wish you _had_ burned it….." Her mouth curves into a droll smile. "I guess it really was at least partially about a book. If it had been some other lie you'd told me, I wouldn't have been nearly as upset. But I thought you'd given _The Playbook_ up. And later, when I found out about the "The Robin", I thought you burned it for _me_ – and that did mean a lot. Learning that wasn't true…..well, it hurt a little. I don't know. It made me feel like maybe I wasn't as special to you as I thought I was if you weren't willing to completely let go of that past, if you still wanted to hang on to it."

"But I _did_ let it go," Barney asserts. "The burning part of the play, that _was_ real, that was to signify that I'm done with all that. For me, it's done. "The Robin" was the last play I'll ever run. _The Playbook_ is dead to me, as good as burnt. But it's my legacy. I just wanted to keep it the way that you've kept all your Robin Sparkles stuff. Even though that part of her life is over and done and – sadly – never coming back, you still have the jacket and all the videos. Including the one where you were legally obsessed with another man. And you kept all the diaries that pledge your undying love to him. But I don't think for one minute – in fact you swore it _doesn't_ mean – that a part of you is still hanging on to Paul Shaffer." His eyebrows furrow and he shakes his head at the forever mystifying incongruity of the hotness of Robin ever being interested in that man. "It's just like an old class yearbook, a keepsake of time and years spent. It doesn't mean I'm still that person."

"Really? Cause not ten minutes ago you were touting the genius of "The Weekend at Barney's" play."

"Nah, you were right. That one didn't make any sense in practice. It was just a cool concept."

"Ah-hah."

"I'm sorry I kept it from you that there was another copy floating around. But it's only a book. Yes, it's been my life's work, but it's still just a book. Okay, not _just_ a book; it does have some pretty great ideas," Barney redresses. "But the point is it doesn't have any power over us or change anything about our relationship. The truth is I figured you'd be pissed if you knew I still had it, particularly after what you said this morning, but I didn't think it would actually hurt you. I honestly _didn't_ realize that destroying it was that big of a deal to you."

"Maybe I did allow it to have more meaning that it should have, more than you meant it to obviously," Robin acknowledges. "I've just really _hated_ that book and all it represents."

"I only got it out again because of you."

"Because of me? I certainly didn't ask you to."

"You didn't want Jeanette coming to our wedding in a white dress and veil and ruining our big day." Barney shrugs. "I was helping Ted find a new girl so that wouldn't happen."

"Your solution to finding Ted a _nice_, non-crazy girl was using _The Playbook_?" Robin laughs. "Because that will really get him the kind of long-term girlfriend we want at our wedding." She shakes her head. "You're an idiot."

"But I'm _your_ idiot," he maintains, pulling her into his arms. "I love you, and that's one truth you never have to doubt. The most important truth." He kisses her lightly, briefly, and then slides his arm to her waist so they can continue walking down the street.

"I love you too," she tells him as they turn the corner, "which is why I can forgive you so easily. Too easily, maybe."

As soon as they're within sight distance of Ted's apartment building Robin narrows her eyes curiously at the three familiar figures taking refuge across the street. "Is that Ted sitting on the curb?"

Barney nods. "And Marshall and Lily too…..I don't like this."

"What's going on?" she wonders.

As they get closer they make out what appears to be a mass of Ted's belongings in piles on the street, most of them destroyed. A second later someone appears in Ted's window tossing something out and the next thing they hear is breaking glass.

They turn to look at each other and simultaneously utter one groaning word: "Jeanette."

"At least she doesn't look happy." Robin brightens. "I think they're breaking up again."

"This time for good," Barney agrees. "Why would Ted ever be so stupid as to let that woman back into his apartment?" he scoffs.

"She's clearly not planning on leaving any time soon. He'll be lucky if there's anything left by the time she's through."

"Seems about right for Ted," he smirks.

Approaching the scene, Barney and Robin watch Jeanette stick her whole head out of the open window now. "And for the grand finale, I found your fireworks," Jeanette taunts. "Let's see what they do to your precious _Playbook_."

"No, Jeanette. Please," Ted implores. "That's Barney's life's work."

Jeanette holds _The Playbook_, with explosives duct taped to it, out of the window and Robin looks on, concerned for Barney. She knows how she would feel seeing all of her Robin Sparkles memorabilia destroyed. Like it or not, Barney holds _The Playbook_ in even higher regard and so she grasps and can even empathize with what a loss it would be for him.

What she doesn't know is that her fiancé is thinking just the opposite. Oh, it will be a sacrifice for him alright, but now that he understands how important it was to Robin that he burned _The Playbook_, all that matters to him is replicating that same thing authentically now. Because Robin _is_ special to him. She is the _most_ important thing. "It's fine, Ted," Barney's says in a soft voice, his hand still at Robin's waist.

She turns to him sharply, shocked and confused, but there are no second thoughts or qualms of any kind here. Robin wanted _The Playbook_ gone, but most importantly she misses the beauty of the gesture. Though he never realized it, that was her cherished token that she is and always will be his top priority. And he wants her to have that to cherish again. He'll give her that gesture now. He'll give her _any_ gesture. He loves her. She's his heart. "Blow it up, Jeanette!" Barney shouts up to the window.

There is no doubt that he's doing this for her, but what really blows Robin away is how completely unnecessary it is. She doesn't appreciate him having a copy of _The Playbook_ but neither was she insistent that he get rid of it. And she's already forgiven him. He's got to know that the odds are she would have let him keep his _Playbook_ somewhere, at the very least in storage. But he's destroying it anyway, burning it up as the token she missed to make her feel just as loved and important to him as before.

Jeanette lights the fuse and throws it out the window where the book explodes in midair into a million tiny pieces – utterly, irreparably destroyed and never coming back. Robin looks on in astonishment as the burning cover, the _only_ thing left – and not for long – of the last remaining copy of his _Playbook_ falls heavily to the ground. Her mouth falls open in shock along with it. She still can't believe this.

The expression on Barney's face is one of slight loss but just a second later he looks away, letting that past go and turning to his future with absolutely no regrets.

It takes Robin a moment longer. As the ashes rain down around them and she stares in wonder at the last flaming remnants of his life's works she feels the full magnitude of what Barney did. And she turns to him, smiling in awe and love.

Her eyes say everything. They tell him that she understands and is in absolute veneration of what he's just done for her – what a great, amazing thing it was – and very how much he loves her. Barney merely shrugs because this forfeiture is nothing at all in comparison to what he's gained with her.

Despite his nonchalance, he looks back down at the burning remains, seemingly feeling _The Playbook_'s loss just a little but not complaining or lamenting the decision in the least. And that part of it – that it _was_ still at least something of a sacrifice for him – touches Robin's heart all the more. Marshall and Lily were right all those years ago. When you really love someone, sometimes you _do_ put pride and ego aside and give over to what the other one wants. They both proved it tonight.

She closes her eyes, surrendering to the emotion of the moment – Barney's love and how he's put her first – letting it wash over her. All that emotion turns into a smile she's unable to suppress as she sits down on curb, clutching his flowers ever tighter in her hands.

Barney sits down with her and Robin immediately gives Ted the RSVP to scratch off Jeanette's name. Even in the midst of all of the chaos of tonight, it's still a paramount concern that that woman will _not_ be there to ruin their wedding. And Robin smiles when Barney, like the team they are and because he promised her he would get rid of Jeanette, instantly brandishes a pen. She snuggles closer to him on the curb, he drapes his arm around her, and they watch Ted cross off Jeanette's name – problem solved.

When Ted hands her back the corrected response card, sadly proclaiming that he's done with dating and ready to settle down, Robin and Barney both feel badly for him. But at the same time his lonely despair heightens their appreciation of what they have. They are so _incredibly_ grateful they found each other and this love they share together.

Barney tenderly strokes Robin's shoulder, needing to touch her and show affection in some way, and when a new flaming object falls down suddenly they cling to each other, Barney pulling her protectively into his body and Robin naturally burrowing in against him because she knows she can trust him with her life.

And when they realize the object in question is actually Ted's red cowboy boots – the ones he bought while dating Robin – utterly destroyed and never coming back just like Barney's womanizing past, they turn to each other laughing as the ashes of the decimated _Playbook_ continue to flutter down.

* * *

><p>At his apartment that night, both in their pajamas and getting ready for bed, Robin can't stop thinking about <em>The Playbook<em>'s demise. She sees it exploding over and over again in her mind, Barney's order to "Blow it up!" continuing to echo through her ears and heart. He destroyed it completely of his own volition; she hadn't even asked him to do it.

"That was really sweet what you did tonight, burning _The Playbook_ for real," she calls in through the open bathroom door. "No lies, no pretenses, just out in the open, willingly, blatantly for me."

Barney shuts off the light in the bathroom and crosses into the bedroom to her. "I said I'd do it again if I could, and I did. It's what you wanted, so it's what I wanted too. It's as simple as that."

Robin has to smile at that. "You make it really hard to be tough on you."

"Yeah, aren't I great?" he grins.

But while she realizes that total honesty isn't the foundation for their future marriage – it is, has been, and always will be their love for each other – that still doesn't make lying good for the relationship. "I've got to say, I don't _love_ the fact that you could just lie right to my face like that." Then again, she herself is guilty of it at times, making it a complicated, tricky area. "But it's not like I'm the truth police. I'm all about lying too. Look at the story I told you about the Captain. And I was all too happy to use your lying skills when it benefited me with Lily and Marshall. It's not the same with us, I know that. We should at least be truthful with each other. But I can't say I've _always_ been honest with you. That's a pretty difficult standard to live up to."

Barney's face turns concerned. "Wait, when have you lied to me?"

Robin mulls over the answer to that as she toes off her slippers near the desk and walks over to set her mug down on her nightstand. "There was the Boba Fett incident, for one. I just wanted that costume out of here."

Relieved, he smiles. "Oh, well I knew about that." Then caution creeps back into his voice. "Anything else?"

She sits down on her side of their bed. "Um….there's the ring. I did take it off again – but only for a second when I was going through the whole invisibility thing. It was just long enough to order a beer and then I put it right back on. Sorry."

"Huh."

"And before you ask if there's anything more, my point was that we might not always be one hundred percent honest all of the time. It's pretty hard to avoid _every_ white lie." She swings her legs up onto the bed, biting her lip contemplatively. "…But I do think we should be honest about the really big things, the important things."

Barney climbs up beside her. "I know, and I'm sorry. Like I said, I really didn't know it _was_ that important. But when I saw how much it meant to you to destroy _The Playbook_ for you, then I could do it without any regrets. And as for the lying, I didn't mean you're going to have to let me lie to you and just deal with it. I agree with you; we should be honest. What I was trying to say is that, realistically, perfect honesty _all_ of the time might be kind of hard for me. Lying is how I've lived for so long. Lies have been what I do. They've gotten me a lot of things. They got me you." He shifts to face her, putting his hand on her shoulder gently. "But you want me to be honest in our marriage and, for you, I'm gonna try. Because it matters to _you_, I'm gonna try. But I'm still Barney Stinson," he warns her. "I'm still gonna mess up sometimes and fall back on lying and do stupid, probably selfish things and say unintentionally insensitive things that upset you, but it's not because I'm not trying or I don't take us seriously or I don't care. It's just who I've been. But no matter what, you can know that I always love you. That's one truth you can always count on and never doubt."

She leans in to kisses him softly and Barney smiles into the kiss, reaching for her, but then her lips are gone.

"But I still think I shouldn't let you off the hook this easily," Robin reflects. "I think you should make it up to me for the deception part. If you would have told me right away that you still had a copy of _The Playbook_ I wouldn't have liked it but I would've found a way to get past it. It was the lying – and apparently very easily – that made it so bad too."

"It wasn't easy…." Barney frowns. "But, okay, I do understand you point. What I did wasn't great."

"And are fake flowers really enough to erase that?" she teases. "Now getting rid of _The Playbook _once and for all, though, _that_ was a fantastic first step." Suddenly seriously, she adds, "I know how much it meant to you."

"You mean more. Easily. You're the most important thing, Robin. Always. Between you and a book? Psh," he makes a deriding face. "I couldn't lovingly hold the book in my arms or kiss the book. Well, actually, I could and I have – but _The Playbook_ couldn't kiss me back." Robin shakes her head, smiling at his antics. "And I really _love_ the way you kiss me back," he hums. "In short, it's not even a contest…." Something playful and flirtatious steals into his voice. "But I do promise to make it up to you."

"I'm listening."

Barney shoots Robin an amorous smirk and abruptly presses her back against the pillows to lie flat on the bed. Sliding down her body he nudges her shirt up, kissing across the bare skin of her midriff. His lips are teasing the baby soft skin just beneath her belly button when he starts to tug down her sleep shorts.

"That's not what I meant," she laughs, stopping him. "I mean, yes, you're definitely going to get there tonight, but sex doesn't count. Any kind of sex. I'm thinking something more along the lines of the shooting range." He groans against her abdomen but she quickly shakes her head. "No, that's not quite enough….." Then she finally hits upon it. "I think we need to make a pilgrimage to the Hoser Hut where _you_ will perform a rousing rendition of "Oh Canada"."

Barney looks up with horrified eyes. "That's really what you want?"

"Oh come on, One Quarter, your ancestors would love it."

He quirks his head up at her, smiling knowingly. "'Payback is a bitch'. Is that what this is? Well, I respect your need for revenge."

"Hmm, more like let the punishment fit the crime. _The Playbook_ was my loathsome spot and all things Canadian are yours."

"Touché." His fingers at her hips curl into the waistline of her shorts. "But not _all_ things Canadian are loathsome. One in particular I thoroughly enjoy." He raises his eyebrows at her, holding her gaze as he pulls down her shorts. Once he's got them completely off, he throws them over his shoulder, grinning, and she laughs. Then he takes to peeling her panties down with his teeth, a skill he's outrageously adept at. Just as he's sliding them over her ankles, Robin sits up on her elbows to take her shirt off, tossing it on the floor in the general direction of her shorts.

Barney smiles naughtily, crawling up the length of her now-naked body. "Are you ready for some serious making up?" he whispers somewhere between a promise and a threat, and that tone sends a shiver through her just like he knew it would.

He touches his lips to hers, kissing her until he can sense her full abandon to it, until she's restless and eager in his arms, and then he kisses his way down her chest. His mouth teases her exactly the way she likes, sucking her softly and increasing the pressure as his fingers ghost over her inner thigh and beyond, stroking her while she grips his shoulders, gasping softly. And _The Playbook_ is completely forgotten by either of them.

* * *

><p>Satisfied and sighing, Robin shifts beneath the covers, turning her head on her pillow to face Barney with a throaty giggle. "That was some good making up."<p>

"Yeah it was," he grins, bending his arm up above his head, still out of breath. "I got you there three times: once with my fingers, once with my tongue, and once with my – "

"Barney, I'm well aware of what you did."

"Penis. I was gonna say penis."

"I know," she smiles, rolling onto her side to snuggle against him. "But you're still going to the Hoser Hut tomorrow."

His arm comes down over her back. "Am I forgiven at least?" he ventures.

"You were already forgiven," Robin verifies, her hand rubbing over his chest in the way they both love. It was some fantastic make-up sex they just had. Despite the initial deception, Barney did do a magnificent thing for her tonight that demonstrated his love even more so than what she thought was the original burning of _The Playbook_, and she poured her heart and soul and all that passion into their lovemaking. All the same, he has to learn that, even as her rogue, when it comes to the big stuff there can't be deceit. "But still, dust off those vocal cords, lover, because you'll be singing "Oh Canada" at karaoke tomorrow….And you'll be wearing the Mountie costume."

"Do I _have_ to?" Barney pouts.

"Yep. Lily takes away toys. This is what _I_ do."

"Fine," he relents.

* * *

><p>The next morning Robin wakes up and discovers Barney is not in bed. Just when she's wondering what he's gotten into now, he walks into the bedroom balancing a cup of coffee, a box of donuts from Timmy's, and a mysterious black duffel bag over his shoulder.<p>

He comes to sit next to her on the bed, already immaculately suited up even though it's barely nine in the morning on a Saturday – but only because he left the apartment and come back; when it's just the two of them, lounging in their PJs has become a bit of a weekend morning tradition.

"I'm still making it up to you," he smiles proudly, handing her the cup of coffee – this one poured into her Canucks mug – and setting the open donut box on her lap.

"Canadian maple!" she cries excitedly. "My favorite."

It's in her hand and she's already taken a bite before he can even accept her praise. "I know."

"But," she says around the donut, "you're still – "

"And I picked up _this_ too." Barney hauls up the duffel bag and unzips it, pulling out the Mountie costume.

"Aw," Robin melts. "Thank you for not even trying to back out of it." He gives her a smile, if a woeful one, and she does feel rather guilty after all the trouble he's gone to this morning. "It won't be so bad," she reassures him. "….And you can wear it home afterwards," she suggestively adjoins.

"_Yeah_," he smirks, nodding his head lustfully. "I forgot that outfit gives you a lady boner."

"So I like a man in uniform," she owns it. "And getting him _out_ of uniform."

"Nice," Barney laughs and they high-five.

Once their laughter has died down, she takes his hand. "You know, I never asked you: how did you do all that?"

"Do all what?" he questions, stealing a sip from her coffee.

"All that magic stuff. That was pretty incredible. I mean that seriously might be the best trick I've ever seen you do."

"Thanks," he smiles, clearly pleased and flattered.

The others tease him but she knows Barney does take his magic very seriously and is proud of his talent. "How did you do it?" Robin asks conspiratorially.

"The dove thing?"

"Well that too. That was _amazing_; I know you didn't have a bird in your pocket when we left." She shakes her head in wonder. "But I was actually talking about the thing with the fire in your hand. I've always loved your fireballs," she quietly confesses.

"Are you kidding me?" Barney replies, in shock. "You hated them. You used to yell at me all the time about it. You even helped stage the intervention."

"That's because you used to do it in the bar around alcohol. I didn't want you catching yourself on fire. And I was right, by the way. You remember what happened at that intervention." His fireball sent their banner up in smoke and could have nearly destroyed the apartment.

"Awesome," he grins. "You secretly loved my mad skillz all this time; you just wouldn't admit it." He leans in, his eyes aglow with enthusiasm. "You want me to show you how I do it?"

Robin stares at him, surprised. "I thought a magician never reveals the secrets behind his tricks."

Barney smiles. "To you, I can."

"I would love for you to show me, Barney," she answers softly, returning his smile. Because he's letting her behind the curtain, dropping every last wall, leaving every secret and truth bare for her.

They end up on the living room couch where he shows her a few rudimentary tricks and by the end of their session she can make a small fireball spark from her hand. Nothing as impressive as his, but it's a start.

Then, after he teaches her the trick, Barney rifles through the Tim Horton's box for himself, finding a much more respectably American simple glazed donut to munch down. Robin laughs silently at his choice.

He's been so loving and incredible to her. Exactly why is he receiving this punishment again? It was a lie. It was a _big_ lie. But she's not exactly innocent of big lies either. It doesn't seem right to humiliate him this way, even if it _is_ only a way to affectionately tease him. "You know what? How about we skip karaoke. You messed up, but you made it right. You exploded _The Playbook_ for me. I know you spent a lot of time on it and it couldn't have been easy to see it destroyed, but you did it for me and that's all I wanted so what more can I ask?"

"Really?" Barney looks up hopefully.

"Really," Robin nods. "Let's do something else instead..." She ponders it for a few minutes, searching for something fun that they _both_ can enjoy. "I know, how about laser tag? We haven't played in a while. I had that whole fantasy going before too that was crazy hot, but you wouldn't fall for my play." Her gaze captures his with seductive eyes. "How about we recreate it now, and then we'll just use the Mountie costume for ourselves later tonight?" she suggests provocatively. He watches her face flush just thinking about it. "I'm gonna love stripping that uniform off you piece by piece. And then I'll really make you a 'mounted' officer."

"That is a _legendary_ idea, Robin," Barney agrees, "with one slight alteration. See, I have a laser tag fantasy of my own for us that I've been harboring for _years_…."

That's how they end up an hour later in the empty facility that Barney has completely rented out for the two of them. And after a rousing game of strip laser tag he finally gets to live out his fantasy of having enthusiastic sex with Robin against those yellow barrels.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: This chapter had several callbacks you may have caught. Barney's words about "I know I'm forgiven if you'll kiss me" is a callback to my chapter for "The Ashtray". Having sex against the yellow barrels is a direct callback to "The Lobster Crawl" chapter where Barney wanted to take Robin up on her offer and press her back against those barrels specifically, although I imagine him wanting to have sex with her there period would date all the way back to "Zip Zip Zip". And Robin wanting Barney to wear the Mountie costume is a callback to "The Slutty Pumpkin Returns" chapter where Robin chooses that costume in particular for Barney to wear because it is a secret sex fantasy of hers, and it's also a reference to my story "The Season of Us" where she finally admits as much to him. That's why in this chapter I have Barney already fully aware of that. And then there's the callback to the Season 4 episode "Intervention".


	43. 819

**The Fortress**

* * *

><p><em>You reflect me; I love that about you<em>  
><em>It's like you're my mirror, my mirror staring back at me.<em>  
><em>And now it's clear as this promise that we're making two reflections into one.<em>

* * *

><p>Just coming back from lunch with Lily, Robin walks into the apartment and finds Barney in the bedroom – next to a camera on a tripod. It isn't anywhere close to the weirdest thing that's been in this room; she can personally attest to that. Both she and Barney have their wild sexual appetites, which is yet another reason they're perfectly matched. The lube dispenser came off the headboard but the lube gun is still within easy reach in his nightstand drawer, and she is well aware of the hidden IMAX cameras and lets him record them sometimes – as long as she knows about it – in both their regular lovemaking and in role-play scenes complete with a plot. Therefore cameras shouldn't and don't faze her, but this isn't one of his regulars. Those are concealed right in the architecture of the apartment. And the presence of a green screen also adds to the bizarre quotient.<p>

"What is this?" she asks Barney, coming up beside him to touch the camera tentatively.

"It's my Jor-El cam."

"I'm sorry, your what?"

"My Jor-El cam." When she looks blank he adds, "Superman's dad." And still nothing. "Haven't you ever seen the movie? Or do they have different superheroes up in Canada?" he sniggers.

"Yes, Barney, Canadians know who Superman is." Robin shakes her head, smiling. "_I've_ just never seen the movies or read the comics…..you know, cause I'm not a nerd."

"Very funny, but we'll have to correct that egregious error tonight."

"Fine, I'll watch it with you," she easily agrees. Watching a movie with Barney is enjoyable every time because it comes along with amusing anecdotes on the bad ones and insightful commentary on the good ones – and now that they're back together, impromptu make out secessions during the just plain boring ones. For the moment, however, she's more interested in returning to her original question. "But what's a Jor-El cam?"

Barney takes a deep breath, ready to dive into a lengthy explanation. "Okay, you know how I call the apartment The Fortress of Barnitude after Superman's headquarters?"

"Yes." Of course. That's a given for anyone who truly knows him.

"Well, Superman's Fortress of Solitude has a holographic version of his dead dad who, a la Marlon Brando, is your basic floating head instructing him on how to use his powers, teaching him how to live. You know, all the basics."

"And in this scenario you're Jor-El, not Superman?"

Barney stops to think about it. "I'm both. Mostly I'm Superman, as you know," he winks suggestively. "But with Ted I have to be Jor-El. He's been my pupil nigh on a decade and when I'm mentoring Ted – or just plain making cool announcements to him – I like to turn myself into the oversized disembodied head to offer advice. I haven't used it in like five years, though. I forgot about it actually. But it's been more than two weeks since Ted broke up with Jeanette and his life is basically a mess right now. He could use some guidance, which got me to remember my Jor-El cam. I think I'm going to set it up as a permanent projection closet out in the kitchen; Ted's gonna need _a lot_ of help."

"I see," Robin replies, amused. "And exactly what vital advice do you have to offer him now?"

"Uh, for starters that he needs to lay off this _Woodworthy Manor_ business or he'll never get laid."

She nods at that obvious truth before turning her attention back to the camera and screen. "So how does this work?"

"It's easy. You just point the camera at something in front of the green screen and then project it into the room and it looks like it's floating in midair."

"Huh." Robin looks from the camera to their bed and back to the camera again.

Barney reads her mind perfectly and can't believe he never thought of it himself but the most that had occurred to him before now was to use it to make his junk float around overhead – which is admittedly cool, but this is even better. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I'm ashamed to say I am."

"I love you," he grins and she laughs.

"I'm glad, but can we even do this?"

Twenty minutes later they manage to rig a way with the green screen laid out overtop the bed…..And they soon discover that using the Jor-El camera for sex play may be one of the most magnificent things they've ever done. It's like interactive, real-time porn. Lying there in bed getting busy while being able to simultaneously look up and see their suspended holographic images also having sex is incredibly hot.

Needless to say, the experience is beyond amazing and repeated several times before Barney finally assigns the camera to its permanent home in the new projection closet.

* * *

><p>In the now almost four weeks since Ted has been without a girlfriend, along with his newfound <em>Woodworthy Manor<em> obsession something else has developed or, rather, resurfaced: a dogged, persistent, and unrelenting-discussed fixation on the weekly crossword puzzle. It's yet another of Ted's lame habits that Barney and Robin would ordinarily concede to him willingly. Except that it's hard to just keep letting it go after weeks of hearing over and over again that he's 'the master' and his crosswords skills, in both aptitude and speed, prove his intellectual superiority and secure his spot as the most intelligent one in the group.

Marshall, as the sole graduate of law school amongst them, would beg to differ under normal circumstances but he's got his hands full with his home life at the moment, left to care for Marvin alone most of the time while Lily's busy in her new job with The Captain. Which is why Barney and Robin take it upon themselves to be the ones to teach Ted a lesson. He's always bragging about how good he is so they have to prove to him that crossword puzzles are nothing – literally child's play – and that they, crossword novices, can do it better and finish it faster.

The challenge was issued earlier at the bar: they're both to complete today's crossword – Barney and Robin as a team and Ted on his own – and time themselves. The one to finish the fastest and most accurately wins. If Barney and Robin are the winners, Ted can never talk about crossword puzzles again. But if Ted is victorious then the two of them have to host a _Woodworthy Manor_ themed party where they'll be forced to watch an all-night marathon of the show.

That's the one and only reason they're spending even a minute of their evening resolutely trying to complete a crossword puzzle. But Barney and Robin are each quick-witted and clever, so as it turns out they're making excellent time with a good chance of winning this thing if they can just bring it on home. They're stumped, however, on the last two slots, 26 Across and 27 Down. They just can't seem to find the proper words that are standing between them and victory.

Barney keeps lounging on the bed propped up on his elbow and using one of their throw pillow as a table with the newspaper and pen in his hand at the ready, but Robin sits up completely now, sharply focused on the answer. "We've got to find a match. We _can't_ let Ted win."

He nods anxiously. "That show sounds awful."

"Alright, let's think." She puts her hand up to her forehead contemplatively as Barney stares off, deep in thought. They're working on 26 Across now and it's leaving them flummoxed. "It's a word that starts with 'A' and it means 'the act of embracing or taking on'." Robin throws up her hands in frustration. "There are only so many words that could be. 'Approval' didn't work," she reasons out, gesturing widely in her resolve to win.

Barney glances up. "No. Neither did 'agreement."

There's only one thing left she can think of. "'Adoption'." She looks down at him meaningfully. That's got to be it. Otherwise they're sunk.

"I don't know." It seems like the word is too short…..and this is starting to get tiresome now anyway.

Barney's reservations are clear in his voice but he has to keep his eye on the prize and at least _try_ here. "It's the only thing that makes sense," Robin scoffs.

"We – "

"I can't believe you're not open to it." They have to one-up Ted once and for all to stop his endless, self-important boasting about his crossword skills. They can't just go out this way.

Barney gazes up at her and sees the fiery determination in her eyes. This was just a silly challenge to him and, yes, he does take all of his challenges seriously but they gave it their best effort – and frankly it's boring the hell out of him. He hasn't a clue what Ted finds so enthralling about this. But Robin doesn't take competitions lightly and he can see the Canadian in her starting to get violent at the thought of losing. "Okay. Let's try it." Robin smiles down at him, pleased that he's making one last attempt on her behalf, but after only a short perusal of the newspaper it's clear that it's not going to work. The last word can't start with an 'N'. "Nope," he shakes his head. "It doesn't work with 27 Down."

Robin leans in close to examine it with him and sees that he's right. Clicking her tongue, she mutters "Shoot" under her breath. Ted's going to win…..Oh well. Let him have this, she figures. It kind of sucks anyway. Besides, there's something else she's wanted to talk to Barney about for the past few days and now is the perfect time.

They're getting married in nine weeks and they have yet to discuss where they're going to live. She's been staying at his place pretty much ever since they got back together in mid-December, but she's not comfortable with the thought of living there permanently once they're married.

It's not that she's being stubborn about this. She loves her apartment too; it suits her perfectly. Yet she's okay letting it go. She just doesn't want to let it go to move into his. The idea she favors most of all is finding a new place together and making it all _theirs_ filled with their own memories there of the two of them and none with just her or just him – and certainly none with other lovers. But she knows Barney well enough to recognize he's already taken for granted that they'll simply stay here forever. And that's exactly why she won't even open it up as an option, posing it as a 'where' question so he'll know she doesn't mean 'here'.

"Hey, with the wedding so close," she broaches as she settles down under the covers, "maybe we should talk about where we're gonna live." She folds her hands across her abdomen, waiting for him to process that.

Barney looks up from still trying to figure out those elusive final two words. He was afraid this subject would crop up eventually, what with Robin still holding on to her place, and he's been glad that it still hadn't though he should have known that couldn't last forever. He'll just make it clear at the outset that his place is best, the only choice really. "Fine. Enough. Stop begging. We'll live here. But you owe me."

Robin's jaw sets. She knew enough to expect this reaction. But it's okay that they don't see eye-to-eye on where to live. It's not about always agreeing with each other. It's about compromise and discussion – and she's perfectly willing to debate this with him. Especially when everything is on her side in this particular subject. This apartment, his "Fortress of Barnitude", has been his certified one-night stand lair for years. What man's _wife_ would want to live in that kind of environment? Not to mention that many of his inventions meant to get a girl into bed still exist around the rooms. There's no way he can win this in a logical argument – and there's no doubt the whole gang will be on her side if it comes down to taking it to a group vote.

"Yeah, I don't know. There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment," she says, looking around. If she didn't know him and all of his hidden devises so well it would be something like residing in a booby trapped man cave, not exactly the ideal place for newlyweds.

Barney looks up abruptly. His apartment is like an extension of himself. It's been almost entirely refined and redesigned according to _his_ custom-tailored and resourcefully creative ideas. That's what makes this place as undeniably awesome as he is. What is there _not_ to love? "Like what?" he asks defensively.

There's no sense going into all the modifications he's proudly shown her over the years – like the balcony green screen, the escape hatch, or the doormat scale – because she knows he only thinks of those as pluses, and highly inspired and resourceful ones at that. But there _is_ one thing she doesn't know about and it's left her wondering. "Well, for example, why is your bed on what looks like train tracks?"

She knows it has to have some sleazy purpose and frankly she's been afraid to ask. They switched up the mattress and bedding already and that's been enough for the bed to feel like it only belongs to _them_ now. Yet these tracks still remain – they're actually built into the floor – and she hasn't wanted her comfort shattered by some creepy sex thing that will make her feel gross in their own bed again. But the tracks weren't there when they were together years ago and she's dying to know what this new addition does. Curiosity has gotten the better of her over the past three months and now she gots to know! She looks over to him, awaiting the crude and disgusting answer that will completely prove her point on why they should move.

Barney grins, laughing – and Robin knows this one must be a doozy. "That's one of my specialties. Actually it was the invention I wanted you to see in my bedroom the night before you tried to get it on with The Captain. But remember? You wouldn't let me show you."

She does remember that actually, which means the tracks have been in place for a good year and a half now.

"It worked like this: after 'entertaining' that night's causal pick-up, the girl _always_ wanted to tell me how wonderful I was and that she'd never come that many times in a row and – "

"Barney, do I really have to hear this?" Robin interrupts.

"Okay, right, sorry," he sheepishly revises. "Anyway, after she told me how perfectly I'd performed she would inevitably want to stay the night to cuddle." He makes a disgusted face. "So I'd come up with some excuse to get out of bed and walk over to the dresser where there's a hidden lever implanted in that vase over there. When you pull it back it activates the release valve and the bed retracts into the wall."

Her mind reeling, Robin sits up in a rush and stares back at the wall, but there are no visible signs of anything back there.

"Then a new, emergency bed comes up from the floor. That way I could get a good night's sleep without dealing with the hassle of getting rid of that day's one-nighter."  
>The Ho Be Gone Sleep System by Stinson," he declares, quite pleased with himself. "Patent pending."<p>

Of all the possibilities for what the tracks could do that cropped up in Robin's head _that_ was not one of them, and as much as these women of Barney's have been her nemeses a disturbing thought plagues her mind. "Ah, wha – what is on the other side of the wall?" she asks in alarm. "Where do the hos go?" Is there a graveyard of New York's missing women back there?

"Pfft, what am I a contractor?" Barney scorns. He had in fact told his contractor to figure it out so he'd never have to see the women again. He never asked for or particularly wanted a further explanation of how it was done.

Robin closes her eyes, sighing. This is a prime example of why they need a new place that's not haunted – perhaps literally – by the ghosts of his past. "We – we need to go into this marriage with a fresh start," she expresses, leaning back down beside him on the bed.

Looking up from studying the crossword, Barney is the one to heave a sharp exhale this time because he knows she has a point. It's a lot to ask her as his future wife to live in a place like this with everything he's done here, everything that's been done to it, and everything it's stood for.

She pauses for a moment and then finally comes out with what she's truly been wanting. "What do you say we find a new place together?" she asks, looking into his eyes hopefully.

He can see the silent entreaty in her eyes and how much she wants him to do this for her. How can he refuse? He wants to give her the moon. Always has. He reaches for her arm, stroking along its length before taking her hand. "I love you," he tells her, smiling softly. "And if that will make you happy, then let's do it."

Robin's heart is filled with such love. Look at him, making compromises and sacrifices for her left and right– first _The Playbook_ those few weeks ago and now his beloved apartment – and without any fuss or fight on either one. He starts to lean in and she meets him halfway, humming softly with open affection as she kisses him tenderly.

When they break away she settles back against her pillows but he's still taking it all in. "Wow…." he contemplates out loud. "So we need to find an apartment where I haven't banged someone. How do you feel about Cleveland?" he jokes, unable to resist.

Robin looks over at him with his wayward grin and can't help smiling. "Ha ha," she grants him that one, gathering the covers against her chest.

"Nope. Ted's mom," he corrects, touching a finger to her arm.

And she immediately objects. "No, you promised you'd never confirm that."

Barney nods. "Okay, fine, Cleveland's good. But it really isn't," he whispers out of the side of his mouth. "…..Or _is_ it?"

"Cleveland aside," she laughs, "we're doing this? For real?"

Lying down beside her, he verifies, "We're doing this." And it's actually kind of exciting with only the tiniest twinge of sadness at moving out of The Fortress.

"We're getting a brand new place," Robin beams at his confirmation. "It's the first thing we'll own together as husband and wife."

He reaches up, stroking over her bare arm. "I really like the sound of that, Future Mrs. Stinson."

She sighs as a tingle runs through her all the way down to curl her toes beneath the sheets and linger as a welcome warmth in all the right places. "Why does calling me Mrs. Stinson turn me on so much?"

Barney edges closer to her in the bed. "Forget the 'why'. Let's just explore the result," he teases seductively.

Robin giggles, sliding her leg over his. "While we're waiting for your apartment to sell we should start looking for a new place right away. It might take a while to find something that suits us both and we'll want to be moved in by the time of the wedding."

He loves to hear her making such solid plans for the two of them and their future together – something that seemed so impossible just a few short months ago. "You want me to go grab the real estate section?" he offers excitedly.

"Maybe later. First we should celebrate." She rolls on top of him, making it unmistakably clear just what sort of revelry she has in mind.

"Ahh, celebrating a new home sex," he answers, his voice already deeper as his body responds to hers. Moving his hands under the covers to settle on her hips, he divulges, "It's a first for me."

Robin gasps happily. "I get to take your 'new home sex' virginity? I'll have to pull out all the stops then, won't I?"

His hands drift down further, curving her pelvis into his as he squeezes her behind. "This is stop number one."

"Yeah?" She drops a kiss to his lips. "What's stop number two?"

"The girls, obviously."

"And I suppose stop number three would be when Lil' Barney pushes through the 'front door'?"

Barney smirks. "He does love making himself at home there."

Robin presses her open mouth to his neck now, pausing to look down at him with eyes positively full of wicked intentions. "Well it just so happens, for you, I'm having an open house." She spreads her knees to hook one on either side of his hips and he groans softly, his fingers tightening on her. "All night," she provocatively adds, and that's all it takes before he's kissing her and rolling her beneath him.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon they both have their agreed upon assignments. Robin is going back to her place to forfeit her lease while he is supposed to be getting a realtor for his. But Barney's got a better idea. It's the reason he can be so completely okay about giving up his place without any discussion at all – because he has a very specific person in mind to sell it to: Ted. Since relinquishing the group's quintessential apartment to Lily and Marshall, Ted is still living at Quinn's old loft. That place is alright but it's no Fortress of Barnitude. What bro wouldn't want the ultimate gift bestowed upon him?<p>

And this way it stays in the family. He's giving it up, yes, but with Ted as its new owner he can still hold on to a part of it. He can still come visit. What's more, Ted is someone who will recognize The Fortress's value. He'll leave it untampered with rather than doing something lame to it like making the suit room into a nursery. Plus it's his way of continuing the legacy and passing it along. From The Fortress of Barnitude it will become The Fortress of SoliTed – an apt description at the moment, but Ted's circumstances are sure to improve once he's got the magic of The Fortress working to his benefit.

Barney invites Ted over to give him the thrilling news. Bestowing it from the great beyond makes it that much more awesome, but unfortunately Ted does not see it that way even with the help of the Jor-El cam.

After being turned down cold, Barney is faced with an unfortunate choice. He's going to have to give up his apartment to a complete stranger, never to be seen again – and likely never to _exist_ again – or he has to severely disappoint Robin. Neither scenario is acceptable to him but it's going to have to be one or the other. Maybe he can just skate by a little while without Robin finding out he's dragging his feet? And in the intervening time it's possible she might change her mind. That's his plan anyway and he's sticking to it.

And, indeed, he manages to get lucky enough that the subject doesn't come up right away. When Robin gets back, the minute she walks through the door she announces, "Well it's done. I just gave up my apartment. All my leftover things are being moved into storage as we speak."

"That's great, baby," Barney replies, crossing the room to come kiss her. "We're _officially_ living together now."

"That's right we are, aren't we?" she smiles. "This definitely calls for a celebration. After you feed me first. I'm starving. I've been so busy with this apartment stuff I didn't have time for lunch."

He takes her out to a lovely celebratory dinner, and all throughout the meal he amazingly manages to avoid telling her he didn't live up to his end of the bargain. Once they get back to the apartment afterwards all Robin wants to do is take a bath together, during which sexy times are had by all. When they're finished they pad into the bedroom wrapped in his towels – Egyptian cotton so thick that every day feels like a trip to the spa – where Barney quickly slips into a pair of pajama pants and then busies himself shaving while Robin gets dressed for bed.

Once she's finished dressing and retrieving her mug from the kitchen, she starts readying the bed for sleeping. But as she's tossing the throw pillow aside it occurs to her that he hasn't said anything about how the apartment change-up is going on his end. "Hey, did you find a realtor to sell this place yet?" she calls in to him.

Barney pops his head out of the bathroom. He's dreaded telling her and going back on his word this way, but he's simply not ready to let go of his apartment entirely. With no hope of it going to Ted anymore he'll never see it again – and, far worse, it will likely fall into the hands of someone who won't appreciate it and will want to change everything about it. "Robin, a realtor is just going to give it to the highest bidder," he reasons, throwing his discarded towel onto the bathroom floor.

She looks up from sipping from her mug, warning bells ringing in her mind. This is the first sign of trouble in what has so far been a shockingly smooth transition. She gets where he's coming from – _he_ has full control over the buyer if they cut out the middle man – but insisting on no realtor and a private sale instead is going to be much harder and take far longer, and they've only got a matter of weeks before they need to be settled into a new place if they're going to make it there by the time they're married.

"I need this place to go to someone worthy." Seeing her skeptical expression, Barney assures her, "And I've made some inquires. I offered the place to Ted, no strings attached. It should have been the greatest moment of his life. Instead he said he wouldn't live here even if I – quote – scrubbed the place with Purell, amoxicillin, and holy water – end quote," Barney scowls. "After that I thought it would at least be cool to float my deal around the room on the Jor-El cam – get _something_ out of it – but Ted locked me in the closet and then I passed out. But I came to a minute later and called him up and he felt bad and came back to let me out."

She looks at him, confused, so he gets back on track. "The point is Ted doesn't want this place." She's not going to take this next part lightly; he knows _he_ wouldn't in her shoes. But the thing is he really _did_ mean it when he agreed to get a new place together. It's just a lot harder than he thought it would be to get rid of his Fortress. Disconcerting, off-putting, disheartening – all of those words and more describe the enormously unpalatable idea of perfect strangers taking over his home, calling it theirs, ripping out everything that makes it awesome and turning it into something unrecognizable. It makes him feel protective and anxious and most of all just…._sad_. And right now he simply doesn't have the heart to do it.

He'll have to just rush through the rest, breaking it to her as quickly as possible like ripping off a Band-Aid. He shrugs in an attempt to keep it light, as if it's not a big deal at all. "Oh well, guess I'm keeping this place forever. Good night." He leaps into bed and pulls up the covers, trying to feign immediate sleep and avoid the argument he knows is about to ensue.

And he's right to duck for cover because Robin's early warning bells are now going off in a deafening chorus. She is many things but a shrinking violet is not among them. She won't be bulldozed this way. Throughout his rambling, purposefully distracting story, her mind latched on to the only part that counts: the part where he said he's keeping this place forever. Which means he isn't even _intending_ to move anymore. "Wa – Wait. Wait a minute. That's _it_? Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment so you just _gave up_?"

Barney sits up on his elbow, glancing over at her for an instant before looking back away shamefaced. He knows what he's doing is unacceptable. He _told_ her he would do this for her – and now she's already signed away her apartment so she has no place else to live. He's being selfish and he's ashamed of it.

But Robin is too aggravated to look for his obvious guilt. All she wants to know is what happened to the two of them finding a place together. And if that wasn't want he wanted then why did he ever say so in the first place? He gave her his word. She has to be able to believe in that. She made irreversible decisions based on the decision that _he_ agreed to. He can't just pull the rug out from under her now that they're halfway into this. "Barney, I gave up my beautiful two bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side that was rent free and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates."

Barney's forehead furrows. He doesn't care for the sound of that. He always knew that guy was a pervert with a far too keen interest in her.

Robin sees the look on his face and has to acknowledge that part is creepy. When she went to break the news to Mr. Stolowitz he was painfully upset at the loss of weekly time spent with her bras, panties, and negligees. She took it for granted when she first got the place a year ago because she received perks like that all the time – compliments from strangers, free coffee, meals, cab rides, you name it. But the free rent didn't stop even after she got engaged. The power of the ring didn't put this guy off. She's finally put two and two together and wised up; Barney was right about him. "Which is probably why it was rent free." She doesn't even want to know what the man was doing with her bras and panties…..that she's still wearing now.

Barney, however, has already forgotten about her ex-landlord for the time being. His mind is too focused on other things. He's well aware that he is inarguably in the wrong but he can't just let her sit here and berate him all night. That's too hard to take. And if that happens, eventually he'll cave and recommit to selling his place, but he knows himself enough to recognize that when push comes to shove he may wimp out and not be able to go through with it again, breaking his word a second time. There's only one way out of this.

"The point is," Robin continues, "I need to buy all new underwear and _you_ agreed that we would find a new place together." She beats the bed in exasperation, but he just wordlessly gets out of bed with nothing to say for his conduct.

She loves him, rascal that he is, but it's things like this that can be so frustrating because how can she count on him if he goes back on what he says and proves to be erratic, capricious, and undependable? And on top of all that he said he loved her and he'd do this to make her happy, but now when it gets too hard for him her happiness suddenly matters less? She doesn't feel like she's asking for too much here. She didn't demand he come live at _her_ place. She gave hers up too. She's only asking they get a brand new, neutral territory that will belong to the _both_ of them. That's a perfectly fair and reasonable arrangement with concessions on both their parts. "Oh god, Barney," she bemoans, falling back against her pillows. "Relationships are about trust and compromise."

Even as he's reaching for the vase and its hidden lever Barney knows he's being a jackass. _Don't do this, Barney. You know it's not right. You regret it already_, his conscience or his heart or more likely a very disappointed mixture of the two scream. He's disgusted with himself even while he's doing it but he pulls it back anyway because he's always avoided conflicts when he knows he's to blame. He's always taken that easy way out.

Robin isn't even paying attention to what he's doing over there. All she knows is that he can't merely assume that it's okay to make changes without her and she'll just hop on board – and she's going to be sure that _he_ knows as much too. "You can't just thin – " But she cuts off when the bed starts moving beneath her. The movement combined with his strange absence from the bed click together and she knows immediately what he's done. "Oh, you are _so_ dead." It is _unbelievable_ that he's just going to dispense with her using his Ho Be Gone contraption – unbelievable, insulting, and absolutely unacceptable. "If I ever figure a way out of here I will make your life A LIVING HELL!" she screams as the wall closes.

One second in, Barney feels sick, the guilt mounting. How could he do this to _Robin_?

Two seconds in, there is no doubt in his mind that his behavior is intolerable. He is easily the biggest bastard on the planet.

Three second in, he _hates_ himself for doing this to her.

Four seconds in, Barney lets her out.

Almost as soon as the bed stops on the other side of the wall it jolts to a start again and Robin feels herself sliding back into the bedroom. The minute she glimpses Barney her eyes shoot daggers of venom at him. "So you're gonna treat me like one of your hos now?" she demands, jumping out of bed the second it clicks into place. "Is this how it's going to be in our marriage whenever I disagree with you or you just don't like what I have to say?"

"_No_." Barney comes to stand beside her at the foot of the bed. "Robin, I'm sorry. I _am_," he swears. "I was a jerk."

"The _biggest_ jerk."

"The _biggest_ jerk," he admits unhesitatingly. "I knew I was the one who was wrong here; I _knew_ it. And I couldn't handle you calling me on it when everything you said was one hundred percent true. I've never been good at owning up to my mistakes, Robin. But it's not because of pride, or because I don't want to apologize, or I won't say I'm sorry. It's because I can't stand to fail the people I love."

And that knocks the wind out of her fury.

"It goes all the way back to when I was young. I remember as a kid whenever I'd break my mom's vase, or get into a fight at school because some kid called her trash after he heard _his_ mom say it, or that one time I flushed her whole cartoon of cigarettes after I first heard about lung cancer – and I ruined her Marlboros _and_ plugged up the toilet – I would always go hide under the kitchen table. I wasn't trying to avoid getting yelled at or dodge the punishment. My mom hardly ever punished me. Actually that probably explains a lot about why I – "

"_Barney_." Robin doesn't want to discourage him. Opening up about feelings and talking about painful childhoods is difficult for the both of them sometimes and should always be supported, but she does want to remind him of where he was going with this.

"Right," he shakes his head, getting back on track. "I would hide because I couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on her face…..I saw that same look on your face tonight. I see it right now. And I _hate_ that I put it there. I couldn't take hearing how much I disappointed you, how I failed you by not keeping up my end of our agreement. But I _should_ hear it. I'm the one who did it and I should have to see and hear how it affected you." He tentatively reaches for her hand and when she lets him take it he enfolds it in both of his own. "I'm sorry."

She can not only see but actually _feel_ that he means it when she looks in his eyes, and it _is_ about the most tolerable reason possible for the whole Ho Be Gone thing. "Alright. I can understand that. But I can't have you just disregard me when something I'm saying or feeling is too hard for you to deal with."

"I know," he agrees. "I know and I promise you I will _never_ put you in the wall again, even for a second. I won't dismiss you or disrespect you that way again. It was a jerk move, a coward's move. And….I'm sorry. And….maybe if you could just forgive me? Please," he implores.

"Barney, it's about more than the wall though…..I just – I _don't_ want to live here. You know how I feel about this apartment. I don't want to make our home where you've screwed half the female population of New York."

He closes his eyes heavily. He has no defense for that. He can't deny what he's done here, nor can he blame her for not being crazy about staying in a place with those connections. "I – I _do_ know. I know," he pledges. "That's why I said we'd get a new place together and we will. It's just going to take some time."

Robin can tell he's being honest and straightforward with her but that still sounds like a stall tactic to her ears even if it is an unconscious one. "But how much time? We don't _have_ a lot of time. I really don't want to start our marriage here."

"I can always sell the apartment after we're moved into a new place."

And, again, that simply sounds like a way of dragging his feet forever while still holding on to the apartment until she gives up and says they can stay here.

"Robin?" he asks, interrupting her thoughts and now starting to rub up and down the entire length of her arm and shoulder comfortingly. "What was it like in there? Was it too horrible?" He truly doesn't know neither has he cared until this moment.

"No," she shakes her head. "I mean I was hardly in there but the bed just moved into some sort of giant walk-in closet. The minute the wall closes a light turns on and I could see there was a door on the wall to the left that I'm assuming leads out into the hallway and the emergency fire stairs." She sets her hand to his bicep, her thumb stroking softly. "So even if you hadn't let me out I would have lived, if that's what you're worried about. It turns out you _weren't_ guilty of murder all these years."

Barney smiles slightly. "And that's what I keep telling the state attorney – but let's not talk about work." He reaches out to touch both her shoulders now. "Does this mean I'm forgiven?" he asks hopefully.

"I have to be able to trust your word and that you'll do what you say. And that you won't imprison me, even momentarily, to avoid an argument. But otherwise, yes, I forgive you." Robin gives him a half-smile. "Let's just go to bed."

He nods but he can see there's a trace of disappointment still in her eyes and it cuts him to the quick as they both climb into bed silently. It breaks his heart even more when she turns to sleep with her back to him rather than snuggling against his side like usual.

It's not that she's angry anymore just disappointed, like Barney said. Saying goodbye to her apartment this afternoon, she was _excited_ and looking forward to finding a new place with him. To find out he'd changed his mind without even consulting her was frustrating – and then the whole Ho Be Gone thing was infuriating to say the least. But Barney apologized and he honestly meant it, Robin could tell. She'll feel better about it all in the morning, but right now she's just still a little annoyed with him.

They lie there in the quiet darkness of the room for several minutes – Barney's not even sure how long – while he reflects on his latest screw up and what he can do to make it up to her. But he at least knows the best place to start. Reaching out and resting his hand softly against her waist he tells her, "I love you."

Robin sighs, rolling around to face him. She can't resist those three words from his lips and they work to chip away whatever annoyance she still felt around the edges.

"I'm sorry, Robin. I'm really sorry."

It's spoken with such sincerity and he looks positively distraught. "It's alright." She touches him, draping her arm across his chest. "I'm not mad anymore. And I love you too, Barney. We'll just move on, okay?" She leans in to affectionately kiss him. "But no more Ho Be Gone System," she murmurs in warning as she closes her eyes.

She _has_ forgiven him fully, but while they both settle down to sleep there's one thing Robin hasn't changed her mind on despite his apology: she's selling the apartment on her own now. Barney can't bring himself to do it so she'll do it for him. She's hiring a realtor in the morning and scheduling an open house as soon as possible because he gave her his word and if that means she has to forcibly hold him to it, she will.

…..And if she gives him no warning and just springs the imminent sale on him, well that's just what he gets for putting her in the wall. Besides, it's better this way. It won't give him the time and chance to get all worked up about it.

* * *

><p>The next morning Robin wakes up to breakfast in bed as part of Barney's continued effort to make it up to her. While she's getting dressed for work, flowers arrive at the apartment with the message "I'm sorry". And the deliveries continue throughout the day: roses at her office at World Wide News with a note in Barney's handwriting that simply reads "I love you" and, later in the afternoon, jewelry – a sapphire and diamond necklace and earring set that at one glance she can tell is real and another of Barney's note that says, "It was the closest I could get to robin's egg blue."<p>

When she finally makes it back to the apartment later that night everything is dark and quiet and she assumes Barney must be working late. But when she goes into the bedroom to change her shoes – these ones have been pinching her toe all day – he pops out of the suit room armed with gifts of cigars and scotch this time and offering music via his portable karaoke machine. "_In my place, in my place were lines that I couldn't change….I was lost, I was lost, crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed_," he sings to her.

Not even trying to hold back her smile, Robin lets him continue with the rest of Coldplay's song because it's actually quite nice to be serenaded this way. But by the time he gets to "_Please, please, please, come back and sing to me_" – begging on his knees not facetiously but in an achingly heartfelt manner – she has to stop him.

"_Barney_, Barney, you're forgiven. You already were, okay?"

He switches off the music. "Are you sure?" he asks in a small voice.

"Yes," she laughs, reaching out to him with both hands. "Now come here. Get up." He springs up off of his knees and into her embrace where she kisses him tenderly. "I love this, all of this, everything you did for me today," she tells him. "But you don't have to keep doing it. I'm not Nora or Quinn. You don't have to grovel to me. I _love_ you. You apologized. We talked about it. It's done now."

"I can keep groveling," he offers. "I feel like I probably deserve it."

Everything in the past twenty-four hours shows such growth from him. There's something so sweet to it – and _moving_ – to see Barney Stinson not only own up to his mistakes and apologize but humbly plead for forgiveness even after he's been told it's no longer necessary. It fills her with a rush of affection…..and a desire to give him exactly what he's asking for.

"Alright," Robin says, setting her hands to his chest. "Do you _really_ want to grovel, Barney?" There's something seductive and promising in her voice that makes everything in him tighten up with desire and his eyes immediately snap to hers. Then she presses close to whisper in his ear smooth and low and naughty, "Just remember, 'flugelhorn'." After that she instructs him to wait beside the bed. Grabbing something from the dresser, quick as a flash she disappears into the bathroom.

Robin emerges ten minutes later in a black latex catsuit that is an enjoyably familiar sight to Barney. This is more a reward than a chastisement but who is he to argue?

"You've been very, very bad," she tells him provocatively. "And you need to be punished."

"I do," he enthusiastically agrees. "_Punish me, Robin_."

Robin walks over to the cabinet beside the bed and opens it, retrieving a paddle, blindfold, and a set of handcuffs from inside. Setting them all on the bed for now she crosses back over to him and stopping mere inches away from his body she begins to unfasten his necktie. She unbuttons his shirt too, letting it fall to the floor once she's got it off but she keeps his tie still clenched in her fist. Putting her hands on her hips, she demands, "Now drop those pants."

With a high-pitched humming noise Barney does as he's told, already vibrating with pleasure. At first Robin does nothing. She merely watches as he becomes fully aroused from the anticipation alone. Then finally she steps close enough so that her chest touches his as she reaches down and cups his testicles, her soft fingertips grazing over him. "_Mine_," she declares possessively. "These belong to me."

She caresses him, massaging gently as she holds him in her hand, and he groans. "Oh yeah. They're yours. It's all yours. Everything."

She takes his necktie and uses it to gently tie up his testicles before letting go and stepping back away. "Mine," she reminds him again.

He doesn't even begin to argue because it's true and he _loves_ it. She owns every part of his manhood, every part of his body, his heart, everything; it all belongs to her. She can do anything she wants to him just as long as she keeps touching him. This is so hot he's practically quivering with desire already.

Robin takes hold of his shoulders, tugging him over to her. "Get down on your knees." And when he does she adds one simple, alluringly murmured request, "Pleasure me."

"Hell yes," Barney responds eagerly, taking ahold of her hips with both hands. "I want to taste you," he whispers, already kissing her through her pants as he reaches up for her zipper.

Several minutes later, when she's completely out of her catsuit and still catching her breath from how attentively and expertly Barney _did_ just please her, Robin asks him to get back up on his feet so their session can continue. Picking up the paddle, she lightly slaps his bound testicles back and forth, watching the pleasure leap into his eyes hot and hungry as she maneuvers him, far more joy than pain and something fiery and lustful spiking up where the two mingle and collide. Afterwards she makes full use of the handcuffs and blindfold, securing him to the bed. Dropping the paddle and unwinding the necktie, she soothes the entire area with warm, soft kisses and her achingly adept mouth. But she doesn't quite let him get there. Robin is without question the best at edging that Barney has ever experienced and by the time she throws him down against the pillows, rips of his blindfold because she craves the eye contact and jumps on, they are each more than ready for release – and one that is powerfully intense on both sides because of all the build-up and delay.

When they're finished Barney lays there, his mind absolutely blown, while she unfastens him from the handcuffs and he intermittently murmurs "_Incredible_" all the while. Robin quite agrees.

Once he recovers, he stretches his muscles and walks into the kitchen to fetch some takeout menus wearing nothing but a satisfied smile. She can't help but smile too, the Ho Be Gone business completely forgotten – except for the lovely flowers and jewelry she has to show for it which, hey, she's not complaining.

But this doesn't change anything where the apartment is concerned. Robin may enjoy a little dominatrix play but he's not getting off that easily, pun definitely intended. She's forgiven him alright, but what's good for the goose is good for the gander and she's still going ahead with the sale of the apartment without his knowledge. In fact she found a realtor right after work and the plans are all set. Barney will be coming home to an impromptu open house the day after tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Come the actual day, however, Robin starts to feel badly – but not enough to put a stop to it of course. She's still in the right here. Barney promised they'd get a place of their own and if it's too hard for <em>him<em> to take care of this then she'll just have to do it herself. He can't fault her for simply taking him at his word.

But it's going to be a jolting surprise all the same. That's why she has Marshall and Ted here to both help drum up sales and to be moral support for Barney. _She's_ going to ease the unpleasant surprise initially by meeting him at the door with a mimosa and, after everyone's gone, some fantastic sex to make him feel better. That's her plan and she's sticking to it as Marcia, the realtor, goes over some tips on subtle chitchat and how to properly talk-up the interested couples milling about the apartment to get them fully interested in buying the place.

At that very moment Barney is standing outside in the hallway. Before he even opens the door he can hear the noise of a crowd inside his apartment and he's already leery. He slowly opens the door to find a room full of people he doesn't know – couples mostly – and Robin is at the center of it all talking to a woman in a red, very poorly tailored blazer. It takes him all of a second to figure out what's happening here. He knows a realtor when he sees one. Robin is selling the apartment behind his back and he's just walked into a surprise open house at his own place. He doesn't like it one bit.

When she hears him come in, Robin grabs the mimosa she had ready and brings it over to him immediately, smiling sweetly. He just stares at her, leery. What does he do? How does he act? He can't very well be completely outraged because he _did_ say he'd get rid of his apartment and they'd get a new place together…..But this was all done without his consent…..But he just got out of the doghouse with her for reneging in the first place...

It's a catch-22 where there is literally no way out. So he goes with his standard fallback: when you don't like reality, retreat to denial. That's how he dealt with his father issues for years, after all. He reaches out and takes the drink from her. "Mimosas," he observes and then sniffs the air. "Freshly baked cookie smell."

Robin turns out to view the room, smiling proudly. She's done rather nicely with this if she does say so herself. It's probably the most respectable and conventional this apartment has ever seemed.

"A middle-aged woman in a red blazer," Barney continues. "I see what this is."

Robin turns back to him, ready to deal with his anger if she must. Hopefully he won't make too much of a scene in front of all these potential buyers.

"You finally green-lit my orgy idea!" he smiles. He desperately needs the joke to cut the tension. He's not yet ready to face what's really happening.

Barney bends and starts kissing her neck. This is what he _wishes_ they could be doing right now. Her skin is soft and she smells incredible and looks amazing in that tight blue dress and he'd rather keep running his lips over her neck, pretending they're all alone and about to make love, then admit that they're surrounded by a room full of strangers out to buy and then ruin his beloved home.

Robin blinks. Jokes of that nature aren't exactly her favorite but she knows it's just that – a joke and nothing more – and she'll let it slide under the circumstances. What bothers her more, actually, is his utter refusal to face what's happening head-on. Nevertheless, her eyes fall closed for just a second, enjoying what he's doing to her neck. But at least one of them has to be sane right now and her hands come around to his ribcage. "Okay, it's an open house, Barney." She pats him comfortingly and he has no choice but to stop kissing her. Looking down into her eyes, he's forced to face the truth. "Say goodbye to your Fortress," she says gently nevertheless driving the point home. She will _not_ let him default and back out when _she_ kept her end of the bargain.

"If we weren't about to have an orgy I'd be so mad at you right now," Barney mutters, clinging to the last threads of denial as he grasps his drink and walks away.

Rolling her eyes – because she knows he knows damn well there is no way they're _ever_ going to have an orgy and he especially knows that isn't what this is here and now – she follows him over to stand in front of the couch. "Barney, you're the one who told me you'd get rid of this apartment and we'd find a new place together. I'm only doing what you couldn't do," she reasons, putting her hand out and gesturing as if to say 'see, my point'.

Before he can respond Barney hears the realtor directing the crowd into the bedroom and they all follow like cattle, perusing through his space and things along the way. He feels extremely violated by the invasion of privacy and just wants them out of here, all of the greedy leeches away from his beloved Fortress of Barnitude. So agitated and tense he can barely hold still, he turns to familiar jokes again to ease the tension. "I am way too upset right now to point out how many women have seen some beautiful woodwork in there. Angry self-five!" he shouts, doing exactly that.

Robin simply looks at him evenly. She'll let him have his jokes and acting out. She understands the root of it right now.

When Barney sees he's getting no reaction from this he lets the mask drop and switches back to dealing with this maturely and directly. "Robin, I did _not_ agree to this."

But _that_ part actually does irk her. "Yes, you _did_." He gave her his words. They had an understanding and it's too late to go back on it now. It's not like she's some shrew springing this out of thin air. _He_ is the one who tried to break his promise to her. "That is why I _gave up my apartment_," she stresses so he can the injustice of it. "Not so I could live in a disease-riddled bang pad haunted by the ghosts of your ex-skanks."

When she says that, Barney closes his eyes and sighs. He knows she's right. This apartment was once the epicenter of his previous promiscuity and that's a sore point with her. It shouldn't be – the women meant less than nothing to him – but he can understand why it _is_. And he did give her his word. But that doesn't mean he consented to be ambushed with open house attacks.

But Robin doesn't have the time to get into this any further with him right now. She's too busy trying to do damage control with the couple that overheard. _Someone_ has to buy this apartment so she won't be stuck living in the Fortress of Random Bimbos for the rest of her life.

Watching Robin's determination as she goes after the couple, Barney comes to terms with the fact that since he has no ground to stand on in this he can't very well object about it up front. But that doesn't mean he can't stop it _somehow_ even if it means passive-aggressively sabotaging any and all prospective sales.

With just one simple glance at the strangers milling about his apartment he can easily tell there these people will _not_ be able to handle some of the more hardcore elements of The Fortress so he starts showing them just that. He demonstrates some of his special little modifications – The Heavy, Set, Go and The Room with a Screw – and dares them to still be interested in the place now.

Robin keeps following after him all the while, trying to head-off disaster and then clean up the mess afterwards when he won't be deterred. And, honestly, it's starting to tick her off. This is what he said he wanted, what he promised he'd do for her. Okay, so it was too difficult for him to put his 'cherished' apartment down on his own. As someone who was callously forced into hunting against her will, including witnessing the slaughter of her pets, she understands that. That's why she stepped up to do the hard part for him. But now he's going to sabotage even that? She's had about enough. Grabbing his arm and drawing him aside, she confronts him. "I _know_ what you're trying to do. You're trying to drive people away."

"No, I'm not," Barney laughs innocently. "I'm just trying to show off its one-of-a-kind features." And okay so that's pretty much entirely a lie. But there is _some_ truth to it. He _is_ still proud of his innovative inventions and inspired adjustments to the apartment and if these people can't appreciate them then they don't deserve to have it. That's why he was okay with it when he thought he could sell the place to Ted, but very few others are going to be able to recognize its merits or even see them as anything other than horrific flaws to be demolished immediately. And certainly none of these 'few others' are present in the room right now.

He's fully aware he's being a crude, boorish, ill-mannered pig, and he knows he's embarrassing himself and Robin by default in the process, but he's desperate, in panicked fight-or-flight mode. The apartment is his baby and these people are trying to take it away from him – and murder it! Consequently that justifies resorting to being as hysterical and creepy as necessary to get the job done and rout out all the undeserving – which is pretty much everyone.

Thus Barney continues to grow increasingly manic and gross as he highlights The Escape from Bitch Mountain and his special sprinkler system too. But despite his best efforts at sabotage there is still one insane couple that wants to buy the place anyway. They unwaveringly vow to have his apartment regardless, and it leaves him alarmed and horrified. These people are far too preppy and pretentious to be worthy of the place. The woman is wearing a sedate floral blouse and the guy is rocking the Miami Vice look. It's impossible that these two value the uniqueness of The Fortress. They look down on it; he's sure of it. Not only is he losing his baby, the only place he's ever felt to be uniquely his home, but they are assuredly going to change everything about it, ruin it all, and render it unrecognizable.

Yet there's nothing he can do to stop it. The only thing he can do is flat-out refuse, get ugly and tell Robin he will _not_ let her sell his apartment. But he's not going to do that. Never with her. He loves and respects her too much. He told her he would do this to make her happy, and knowing that he's inversely making her unhappy by stubbornly clinging to what _he_ wants at the expense of her feelings is something he can't do. He should have told her right away he felt uncomfortable about selling the apartment instead of trying to get around her. Now he can't very well resent or begrudge her when she's only doing what he expressly agreed to.

Be that as it may, he also can't sit here and watch this happen. It's too much, too hard. He's got some serious thinking to do. While the realtor is busying pouncing on the couple, Barney finds an opening to approach Robin and pull her aside for at least a modicum of privacy. "I'm going to MacLaren's," he says quietly.

That's not exactly what she expected to hear and it's hard to tell from that reaction alone how he's receiving the news. "Does that mean you're okay with this?" she asks carefully.

"It means you do what you have to do. I'm going to get a drink."

She watches him walk out the door and knows he's upset about this but he's also apparently ready to make the sacrifice for her. He wouldn't very well let her go all the way with this if he has no intention of going through with the sale in the end, would he? As far as she's concerned by walking away he's giving her his tacit consent, and so she'll take it from here, get this done, and soothe his sadness later.

Out in the hallway, Barney walks away from _his_ home and steps into _his_ elevator to go downstairs to _his_ lobby where _his_ doorman will hail him a cab, a familiar ritual for the past fourteen years. He only hopes he has the fortitude to man-up for Robin and sign the papers to forever let go of his home when the time comes.

* * *

><p>The Smithes are sitting on the edge of the couch like it's diseased while the wife gingerly wipes off with the towel Robin brought her after she kept complaining she was "still terribly damp".<p>

Robin's got to admit they're not the most likeable people in the world, but she doesn't have to like them. She only has to sell them the apartment so she and Barney can find a place of their own. But the more time she spends with them the more she begins to recognize that Barney's kind of right. It _would_ be nice if the place could go to someone worthy, someone who at least appreciates the exceptional apartment they're getting.

She goes to fetch them two new drinks, placing them in their hands herself in the hopes that might loosen them up. "Congratulations. You guys are getting a _fantastic_ apartment." They should feel lucky to be getting such an awesome place. Now that it's selling she can concede that it really is an incredible apartment. It's sophisticated, sleek, and modern. She loves the décor and color palate; it innately reminds her of Barney. Honestly, she's going to miss it. He may have had his skanks here and Quinn besides, but the two of _them_ made so many memories here too. Of course no one else can see it through her unique perspective but they still should be able to recognize that it's an urbane and classy apartment if they just overlook a few unconventional things. "I mean I know some of the features are, um, a little…weird," she allows.

The Smithes laugh condescendingly. "A little?" the wife scorns.

It immediately rubs Robin the wrong way that these people are openly deriding and Barney's apartment, his baby.

"We're gonna rip this thing down to the studs," the husband announces disdainfully.

Robin sighs softly. It makes her sad that they don't see the apartment's merits the way she does. "I get it," she grants. Not everyone is going to understand the workings of Barney's mind, but even if they find some of his inventions distasteful they _are_ pretty clever. And the rest of the apartment is killer besides – fantastic, upscale neighborhood; beautiful hardwood floors; two lovely bathrooms, one with an amazing sunken Jacuzzi tub but the second bath off the bedroom has always been her favorite probably because of its intimate nature – it's the one that used to have all of his booby-traps in it and she's one of the few women who's actually gotten to use it, which makes it feel like a unique privilege; and what has to be one of the largest, most wide-open and spacious master bedrooms in the city. "But I mean _some_ things might be worth saving."

"I don't see any," the wife speaks up again as she and her husband share a reproachful look.

And there's that sense of bitter resentment surging through Robin again. Only this time it's not just tolerable irritation but an intense feeling of offense and indignation that these two have the gale to think themselves superior to this apartment and by association the man who designed it.

Robin shakes her head, disbelievingly. "You don't see_ any_?" she asks acrimoniously, on the verge of losing her temper completely. Okay, there's pretty much only depraved reasons for most of the refinements Barney has made, but they're quite exceptional and inventive. How can these people fail to recognize that? "Sure, some of the stuff in here is creepy, but it's also _brilliant_." It doesn't have to be their cup of tea but they also don't have to act so disgusted by the apartment and the man who created it. Both of them deserve proper respect. "I mean a – a – a lot of geniuses were kind of pervy. Look at Thomas Edison: why do _you_ think that light bulbs are boob-shaped?" she asks, willing them to see the light or at the very least to stop insulting this perfectly lovely apartment and its inventor.

"_Yeah_….we're taking a wrecking ball to this place and turning it into something actually fit for humans," the husband sneers as they laugh together superiorly.

And oh that's just the final straw. How dare they talk about this apartment or the man she loves in that patronizing, pompous, contemptuous way? The apartment, like the man who lives in it, may be flawed and it may have its idiosyncrasies but _she_ understands – and, you know what, she even _values_ – every last one of them, because they make the apartment _and_ the man uniquely one-of-kind and inimitably what and who they are.

_He's not a human_; this arrogant, pretentious little man has the nerve to say? Oh no. No. No, no, no, no, no. These people better get the hell out of _their_ apartment before she goes seriously Canadian – like after two a.m. and the Canucks just lost Canadian.

Robin puts on a fake laugh, knowing exactly how she's going to take out the trash. "Excuse me." Barely reigning in her desire to do some pummeling, she walks swiftly to the Jor-El projection closet and switches it on. "GET OUT!" she screams furiously. And because she _did_ end up watching the movie with Barney that night and can at least appreciate the reference now, she affects a Brando accent and adds, "The Fortress of Barnitude is no longer for sale." Oh, and one more thing for Little Miss Snooty. "And also your husband has been staring at my _ass_ all afternoon so don't act all high and mighty!"

The Smithes and the realtor promptly go scurrying, affronted and frightened by her disembodied head floating overhead, screaming at them.

As soon as she hears the front door slam, brushing off of her hands of that garbage, Robin walks back out into the now-empty living room…to stand before the couch where she and Barney made love that night Ted and Marshall almost caught them and where now they go over wedding RSVPs every evening after work; to the table where they sat down all those years ago to the first meal Barney ever tried to cook for anyone and even though it was half burnt and half undercooked she ate every bite; to the kitchen countertop where they had fake make-up sex after staging a fake fight when Barney was crazy with jealousy over her Robin Daggers "P.S. I Love You" song, and when they got hungry at three a.m. they came back out to talk and laugh over grilled cheese sandwiches leaning against that same counter; to the bathroom with the sunken tub where every Saturday night they enjoy a soak together along with some sudsy lovin'; to the huge TV they watched all night when they rode out the hurricane together, that they've since watched Robin Sparkles tapes and WWN footage on – including her helicopter landing that he's now told her was the most terrifying moment of his life – and even used to watch their own homemade erotica; to the bedroom which they always fully utilize in a hundred amazing ways but most of all where he's told her he loves her countless times and each time it's just as meaningful, just as powerful, as the first.

That's when it hits Robin that the apartment is no longer a bang pad. She and Barney reclaimed it from that a long time ago through the sheer force and weight of the private and emotional events they've shared here. It took these two horrible, snobbish people to make her realize it but she finally sees it now: they don't need a new place together; this apartment already _is_ their home.

* * *

><p>Over at MacLaren's, Barney is standing at the bar away from the others, working on his first scotch of the night and reflecting deeply while Robin's still across town likely finalizing the sale of his apartment. He fought so hard to not have to give the place up, but standing here drinking he's come to realize there's a flaw in his line of thinking. He always called his apartment The Fortress of Barnitude after <em>Superman<em> – and mostly the first movie because there were some unmistakable issues with the others – but the thing is Superman's fortress was a place of extreme solitude where he was utterly alone, without someone special by his side. In fact it was so alone it was hidden in an underground complex that almost no one knew how to find or that it even _existed_. That's who he used to be before he met Robin. That was the state of his heart before she touched it even without knowing and started it back to beating. She made him human again, a mortal man. And he doesn't ever want to go back. He doesn't ever want to lose her. So he'll do this. He'll sell the apartment.

And he realizes something else too. It's about more than just giving her what _she_ wants. It's about changing and letting go and shifting from an "I" into a "we" – because a "we" is who he is now. He's not just a "him"; he's now an "us". And that's who he _wants_ them to be, inseparable, so it's not about him or even about her. It's about the two of them _together_ as one joined, united unit. And the best thing for them as an "us" is to start over afresh like Robin said in a brand new place all their own.

Just as Barney is reaching his epiphany, Robin walks into MacLaren's ready to tell him about hers. When she spots him standing at the bar she makes a beeline straight toward him because she needs him to know that she was wrong in this too. She shouldn't have pushed him so hard. She never even asked him about _his_ feelings on this or what he wanted. She was too blinded by her own needs and desire to get away from the shadow of his past. But his present and future are what she should be concerned with. And in the present she was hurting him, forcing him to be something he's not and want things he doesn't – trying to fit him into a little mold again. That's what Ted did to her. That's what she did to Barney the last time they were together and it went downhill swiftly thereafter. She learned her lesson then. She doesn't want either of them in a mold. She just wants the two of them together, Barney and Robin, exactly as they are.

"Hey," she gently greets him, unsure of his mood or what to expect but thoroughly prepared to admit her mistake.

When Barney looks up and sees Robin his heart skips a beat. It still does that. "Hey," he answers back with a touch of eagerness in his voice such is his need to make things right with her.

She puts her hands up on the bar, leaning in close, ready to dive right in. "Listen, I – "

"No, me first," Barney stops her because he _has_ to tell her right away. He knows she has every right to start in with how disappointed she is in him. He doesn't blame her. He acted immaturely and only in his _own_ interest. But he wants her to know straightaway that he realizes the error of his ways and he _is_ going to be the man she needs him to be.

Momentary dread flashes through Robin at his interruption and it reflects in her expression for just an instant. Maybe he's going to yell at her. It's possible he's still angry and upset over the open house behind his back. Perhaps it _was_ a little bit of a betrayal. She definitely knows she shouldn't have done it.

But what Barney says is very different instead. "I've been thinking and I realized something." He licks his lips, full of sincerity and a need to open up to her so she understands. "The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman went to be alone. And I never want to be alone again."

He reaches out to put his hand over hers and he's using that tone that just gets her every time. It's so intensely honest and _real_, the mortal man behind the mask that only she gets to see. Robin's reply is tender and immediate. "Thank you, Barney." She blinks twice at the onslaught of emotion, feeling a bit like crying actually. He's expressing again in no uncertain terms how much she means to him, that she _is_ first in his life and forever will be the most important thing to him. "That really mak-"

"But then I remembered," he interrupts, "that in _Superman II_, Superman gave up all his powers to be with Lois Lane and he was honestly kind of a vag after that."

Robin closes her eyes. "Oh, Barney, just quit while you're ahead," she says warmly, shaking her head at him and his little tangents.

"Now _Superman III_ was a complete train wreck totally," he starts.

With a look of quiet affection, Robin brings him back around. "What's your point?"

"That – " Barney takes her hands in his, back to all that open sincerity. " – That I love you. And….I'm giving up my apartment for you," he tells her with so much love wrapped up in his voice. "And….that the Superman films are uneven."

Robin laughs quietly, touched at the beauty of yet another compromise and concession he's willing to make for her. "I really appreciate that, Barney, but you need to know what happened after you left. You were right. The couple who wanted to buy the apartment, they didn't get it at all. They wanted to completely demolish the place and start from scratch. They refused to see any of the things that make it such a remarkable, _awesome_ place to live. And….and I couldn't just let them completely destroy the apartment so I tried to change their minds, but they turned their noses up at it and said it isn't even fit for humans the way it is now. Of course you know I couldn't let _that_ stand." She shrugs as if she had no choice. "I went into the closet and told them on the Jor-El cam to get out and never come back because the apartment's no longer for sale."

For a second Barney wonders if he heard her correctly. It's too astounding to think that she would do this for him when he knows she's so dead-set against it. "_You turned them down_?" he asks in amazement.

"Yeah." Robin smiles at him, her eyes locking with his. It feels like this whole apartment issue is a metaphor for their larger relationship. Since his transformation at twenty-three, Barney became something superhuman, extraordinary, and maybe he's been a little afraid of changing back, of allowing himself to take on that frightening mortality again and all the vulnerability that goes along with it. But in the end he loves her enough that it's worth it and he's willing to let her have that full control. And as for her, well, she _thought_ she wanted out of the apartment and everything it stood for, but then she realized the apartment represents _Barney_ and just like the thought of destroying his inventions makes her so uncomfortable and feels so wrong she likewise doesn't want to change the man himself. Changing all those things about Barney's apartment would make it no longer Barney's apartment, and likewise if you change the fundamental things at the core of the man himself that make him who he is then he's no longer _Barney_ but just a shadow of the man she fell for. "If I ask you to change too many things about yourself you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with."

Barney's mouth stretches into a lopsided smile of pure love at that avowal from her lips, both because she loves him and that she never wants to change him.

"Turns out," she continues, her smile growing, "I accept and _appreciate_ even the….grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you." That's the way it's always been. He's always been _her_ Barney, and while the other's chastised him for his behavior she just wanted to come along and be invited into his world.

For a second Barney's lower lip trembles and then pulls up into an emotional half-smile as very unmanly but very heartfelt tears sting the backs of his eyes at Robin's poignant declaration. This is what it feels like to be truly and wholly, unconditionally accepted for who he is, _as he is_ – and he has no doubt that Robin sees that real man fully and more deeply than anyone else ever has. At times she understands him even better than he understands himself. Nothing in this world has ever felt quite the same as being loved so utterly for himself, just Barney Stinson, the flawed but secretly sensitive man who is so full of love and only wants to feel it in return.

He doesn't say any of that. What he says instead is a typically Barney quip. "Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows," he teases, all smooth smiles and easy amusement. But he knows she understands everything he _didn't_ say, everything that's wrapped up silently in the words that were spoken.  
>Robin grins lovingly at him. He wasn't wrong; his message was fully received. It's seared into her heart as she laughs blissfully and reaches for him.<p>

They lean in to kiss each other, Robin's hand borrowing beneath his suit coat to trail over his back while Barney's goes to her waist and then down to the small of her back, pulling her in closer. As things intensify her hand emerges from his coat to reach up and grip his shoulder and his other hand moves off the bar to trace her hip while he deepens the kiss. But after a few moments they remember where they are and eventually break away, resolving to save the rest for tonight.

Turning back to the bar, they order a fresh round of scotch for him and a beer for her, and while they wait Barney looks to her animatedly. "I can't believe you used the Jor-El cam to scare off those people. Baby, I'm so impressed!"  
>Robin grins. "Not <em>just<em> scare them off; I took them down a peg or two while I was at it by pointing out how the husband was skeezing on me. I told his wife he was staring at my ass all afternoon."

Barney natural urge to punch the man is tempered by his fiancée's general awesomeness. "You did?" he asks, awestruck.

"He was and I did. If a playa's gonna play the game he has to be prepared to get schooled." She is _adorable_ and Barney can't help laughing contentedly, but Robin is entirely seriously and still quite pissed at that couple. "Who are they to look down on us and how we live? I had to show 'em a thing or two."

"I bet you did. No one messes with Robin Scherbatsky."

"Damn straight. And no one messes with you either."

"Speaking of 'how we live'," he mentions gently, "does this mean you're alright with living in the apartment now officially and forevermore, even after we're married?"

"Yes," Robin nods. "Forget about those skanks; I outshined their ghosts months ago. _Our_ memories are burned into every square inch of that apartment. You can't go into any room without thinking of _me_ and _us_."

"You're right. But, Robin, that was true since the first time we were together. You _always_ outshined every other memory. You eclipse everything and everyone else. The only ghost that has ever haunted that apartment is yours. Only now I get to have you in the flesh," he winks.

"Yes, you do," Robin thoroughly approves. "You're gonna have me tonight, I know that."

"Am I?" Barney asks flirtatiously, his interests piqued.

"_Oh_ yeah."

Their drinks arrive then and they walk over to join the others, their arms naturally resting around each other's waists. When they reach the booth they're both reluctant to let go but there will be plenty of time for holding each other later, so Robin slides in next to Marshall and Barney pulls up a chair on the end of the table as close to her as possible.

And even when Ted's new pick-up – the one he ran "The Emsbury's First Time" play on – comes over to the booth ready to let him lose his "heterosexual virginity" to her, Robin takes one look at Barney's expression and accepts and appreciates him enough to let him go over and commendingly pass the mantle to Ted while she just shakes her head at him, smiling.

After that they have one drink with Marshall and Lily, talking and catching up with her zany new art career while explaining the news of their non-move. Then, as soon as it's socially acceptable, Robin turns to Barney and says one of the most beautiful things he's ever heard. "Let's go _home_." Not to _his_ place or _his_ apartment, but _their_ home.

* * *

><p>Standing outside their apartment door, Barney and Robin smile from ear to ear. "So this is it," she remarks happily, "our first time coming home."<p>

He hooks his arm around her waist. "I could carry you over the threshold."

"No, let's save all that muscle strength for later." She touches her lips to his ear and whispers, "You're gonna need it." And she doesn't miss his slight shiver as he unlocks the door.

They both walk inside, Barney pausing on the landing to secure the door behind them as Robin simply looks around the room, smiling even further because she fully appreciates that, yep, this is _their_ home. The prevailing theme of all of Barney's little inventions and everything this apartment used to stand for is that these other women all meant less than nothing to him and _she_ is the only one who ever mattered. That's actually a _pleasant_ truth, not a ghost to be haunted by. Because every single gadget was designed to trick a random woman into a meaningless one-night stand and then unceremoniously get her out of there afterwards. They were more sex objects than actual woman, and if she ever doubts that or feels threatened for even just a second this very apartment itself is a constant reminder of just how meaningless Barney's past was and is to him.

"So…..what should we do now?" Barney waggles his eyebrows at Robin as he approaches her, and the very second he gets within arm's reach he pulls her to him, kissing her exhaustively.

"I think we should take this into the bedroom," Robin suggests between kisses.

"Yeah, I really think we should," he gruffly replies because we-just-moved-in-together-and-found-our-forever-ho me sex is _already_ proving to be amazing and they're both fully clothed and haven't even gotten past first base.

She takes his hand and leads him down the hallway and into their bedroom, walking backwards so they can keep kissing all the while. But once they cross into the room she steps away from him, walking over to the dresser. "Show me the Ho Be Gone bed," she requests and Barney's eyes go wide.

"Are you gonna put me in the wall?"

"No," she laughs. "It would be really hard to have sex with you that way."

"We could use mental telepathy," he quips. "Just _think_ about what we would be doing to each other if there wasn't a wall in between."

"Hmm," Robin considers. "Lying together in bed side-by-side without even touching each other and see if we can get off that way by sheer closeness and scent and mental imagery alone? Not bad…..That's something we'll have to try later. But not tonight. Tonight I have a different plan in mind," she tells him, pulling back the vase and activating the hidden lever.

Their bed recedes into the wall and the second bed pops up into place, truly an identical version of the original. When she sees it has their new bedding even, she smiles. "You changed this one?"

"I had to; they've got to match. And this one belongs to you too. Remember? It's _all_ yours. Everything I have. That wasn't just sex talk."

Robin kisses him softly, holding his gaze as she pulls back. "No one else has ever been on this bed but you?"

"No one," he confirms.

She smiles, lying down crossways on the mattress and looking up at him. "You know what we have to do…"

Barney barely hears what she's saying he's so focused on the look in her eyes and her body so warm and welcoming stretched out on the bed, still wearing that blue dress with the low neckline that hugs her every curve. He comes to lie down beside her, setting his hand low on her hip and bending to kiss her collarbone. "I _know_ what we have to do," he murmurs, nuzzling his face in her breasts.

Robin giggles. "Oh we're gonna do that alright, but it has a higher purpose too: you and I are about to christen the hell out of this bed."

He grins, pulling her body onto his.

* * *

><p>Barney collapses on top of Robin and his warm breath in the hollow of her neck as they hold each other in post-coital bliss is one of the best feelings in the world. She strokes his shoulders tenderly, her fingers drifting up into his hair. Their lovemaking was particularly boisterous this time, taking full advantage of every inch of the mattress and inadvertently meticulously christening every corner of this second bed.<p>

But the very fact of a second bed seems rather needless – and Robin's come up with an idea of her own to tell him as he drops soft kisses on her skin. "Barney, I've been thinking..." He lifts his head to look at her with such open love and affection that she loses her train of thought. "…..I _love_ this part, when we're finished but you're still inside me," she sighs. She never used to think she was the type of woman to feel this way. She used to crave separation and space the second sex was through, but it's always been different with Barney. And now, all these years later, this part makes her feel so close to him every time. The literal, physical connection intensifies their emotional one.

Barney smiles, kissing her lips once and then a second time lingeringly, until her arms slowly let him go.

"Okay," she smiles up at him, and he kisses her one more time before he pulls out, rolling over to lie beside her.

"What have you been thinking?" he asks, knowing that's not what she was originally going to say.

"I'm thinking that we should _keep_ this invention by Stinson but modify it slightly."

He looks over at her curiously. "How so?"

"Well we don't really need a second bed, especially in the same room. But I like the idea of it being this hidden secret that only you and I know about," Robin confides soft and low in a tone that even just finishing sex still grabs his attention.

"So what if we turn it into….our sex lounge?"

That _really_ grabs his attention. "Our _what_?"

Robin props up onto her elbow, snuggling into his side and wrapping her other arm over his chest, her fingers toying with his sexy new nipple piercing– which after all is the point of it. "We should make it our sex lounge," she repeats. "We can put all of our most extreme toys and paraphernalia down here, all the kinky stuff we don't want out in our bedroom for anyone to see – the things for our wax play, the chains, the mirrors, the riding crop, and that other thing you don't like me to talk about but you absolutely love," she adds knowingly. "Plus we can get that more extreme sex swing you always wanted."

"The anti-gravity one?" Barney asks excitedly.

"Yep," Robin nods. "And instead of Ho Be Gone we'll call it Activating The Sex Lounge."

Barney wraps his arms around her and kisses her adoringly. "We are gonna have the best marriage ever!"

* * *

><p>Later that week since they lost their crossword puzzle bet with Ted, it's time for Barney and Robin to pay up. That means on a Friday evening in New York City they're stuck hosting a watching party for <em>Woodworthy Manor<em> as their friends try to make them converts. And good luck with that.

Robin made the platter of cucumber sandwiches like they requested but she has serious doubts about this. And when Barney reaches for a sandwich off the platter once he sees what they're made of he pulls his hand away as if it's been burned.

"Are you guys sure we're gonna like this _Woodworthy Manor_ show?" he asks skeptically. This entire setup already seems like a snooze fest. Just off the top of his head he can think of at least twenty better things he and Robin could be doing with their time right here in their apartment – and only the top ten are sexual.

Robin straightens from dutifully placing the cucumber sandwiches on the coffee table alongside the other dainty fare. "Yeah, it sounds kind of boring." And that's her polite way of putting it. A bunch of English aristocrats drinking tea with their pinkies in the air? No, thank you.

But fair is fair and they lost the bet – and most pressingly there is no way their friends will let them out of this. So Robin and Barney pull up two bar stools close together as the opening music comes on in the background and Ted tries to fill them in on what they've missed. All they hear is Charlie Brown droning with the occasional word here and there: croquet ankle, chestnuts, Saint Crispin's Day goose.

Nope, this is not happening. They turn to each other simultaneously and share a silent look, starting one of their private conversations through mental telepathy alone.

_Are you thinking what I'm thinking?_ Barney conveys with a look.

_YES_, Robin expresses in reply. _We've got to get out of here at any cost._

They turn to look back towards the kitchen.

_Escape from Lame Mountain?_ he proposes silently.

And of course she'd already thought the same thing too. _Escape form Lame Mountain_, she confirms and they both nod.

"You know, I think we're going to need more sugar for the tea," Robin announces nonchalantly.

She's greeted with a chorus of "SHHH!"s from Marshall, Lily and Ted.

Robin stands up anyway, shaking her head. "Geez, okay."

"I'll just go help you get it," Barney chimes in.

But the pretext proves unnecessary since no one is paying attention to them anyway, their friends eyes all still glued to the giant screen.

She slides down the chute first and he goes in after, following at a safe distance. They land on the mattresses in the dumpster below, Robin sweeping a banana peel off her shoulder as Barney spits out pieces of egg shell.

Brushing himself off, he turns to the only woman in the world cool enough to not only accept his creepy inventions but actually want to use them too. "_I love you_."

Robin, however, can't fully appreciate the sentiment at the moment. She hit her wrist on the side of the dumpster coming down and it's killing her. At a single glance she can see it's starting to swell and bruise already, and she can't seem turn it properly. "My wrist is broken," she realizes aloud, looking up to Barney.

"Worth it," he proclaims smiling, and lifts his hand for a high-five.

Even with her injured wrist Robin gives it to him with that same hand, laughing right through the pain and she reaches for him, draping her arm around his neck as he envelops her in his arms and presses his mouth to her. It's sweet and tender with just an edge of something simmering hot, and it's easy to get caught up in. As their playful, celebratory kissing continues, Robin unthinkingly reaches for his shoulder with the wounded wrist she's been babying. She realizes the mistake instantly.

Hearing her gasp at the contact, one that is unmistakably from pain and not pleasure, Barney breaks away. "Wait, where you serious about your wrist?" Robin nods through the pain. "Aw, baby, let me see." He gingerly examines her wrist and she was _not_ kidding. The escape chute will undeniably require some further modifications but his focus at the moment is his poor fiancée who is going to require some medical help.

* * *

><p>It's only forty minutes later when they're in the emergency waiting room, that Ted, Marshall and Lily finally notice they're gone at all – because the first episode of <em>Woodworthy Manor <em>has gone off. And once they receive assurances that she will be fine, the gang just goes back to using Robin and Barney's apartment as their private theater.

Tucking away his phone, Barney turns his attention back to the task at hand. With her right wrist injured, he's helping her write in her medical forms. It's the first paperwork Robin has filled out in months and there's something deeply satisfying in writing the apartment as her permanent address and her emergency contact as Barney Stinson, relationship: fiancé. She leans over and gives him a contented kiss because seeing it all on paper like that – lasting and official – definitely makes what turns out to only be a sprained wrist totally worth it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: There were a lot of callbacks in this one to things from my previous chapters like the story of the night from "The Ashtray" and the 'fake fight' scene in the chapter for "P.S. I Love You". I also included my interpretation of what Barney briefly alludes to in "Romeward Bound" regarding the necktie and ping pong paddle. And I threw in a callback to something that is discussed in Season 6's "Architect of Destruction" in which Robin's current boyfriend Max breaks up with her because of a weird sex thing she likes to do but no one will tell Marshall what it is. Ted looks somewhat horrified in that scene and agrees that it's not for everyone, and Barney remains quiet as to rather he likes it or not but even he looks like it _is_ something extreme. "That other thing you don't like me to talk about but you absolutely love" that Robin suggests putting into their sex lounge is my little nod to that. I left it open-ended in the chapter for people to draw their own conclusions, but given Robin and Barney's obvious penchant for kinky sex, bondage, and the need for a safe word I always assumed that she'd be the kind of woman who's into strap-on play and pegging, which would explain the three men's varying reactions and why a guy would actually break up with Robin over that.


	44. 820

**AN**: This episode was so out of the box that there are a couple things I need to explain at the outset as to what's real, what's not, and what's a mixture of the two in my opinion. Ted's a lonely guy who's not in a good place during this episode but he's not raving mad, and so I think there has to be some degree of logical explanation for why these particular things get jumbled up in Ted's mind on this specific night. My focus, of course, is on Barney and Robin not Ted, but you really have to go by Future Ted's narrative to glean what's happening with Barney and Robin at any time. So I've taken his bits and pieces and tried to offer a rationalization for how some of these things cropping up in the present led to why they're showing up in Ted's fantasy, and how the past of what _actually_ happened in 2008 and the present of what _actually_ happens in 2013 have merged and spun together in his mind.

Also, for clarity purposes, a scene within this chapter is a direct callback to a statement from the Season 3 episode "Ten Sessions". It's pretty clear that episode was the writers' attempt to explain what was happening with the characters during the January – March hiatus of the writers' strike with the assumption that Ted's ten sessions, i.e. the ten weeks, end on or around the air date of that episode, March 24, 2008 (when Stella finally goes out on the two minute date with Ted), which means that the ten sessions/weeks would have started the week of January 21st. That puts this flashback right in the middle, right before the fifth session/week when Robin says, "Persistence pays off. I said yes eventually" and Barney replies, "No, you didn't. You were all like 'No. We can't. We're friends. It would mess up the dynamic of the group'". That statement is _hugely_ important in Barney and Robin's story because it tells us that not only has Barney absolutely hit on Robin and tried to get her to sleep with him (presumably since she broke up with Ted at the end of Season 2) but it must have occurred multiple times in order for the term 'persistence pays off' to apply. And interestingly none of Robin's responses were that it would be gross or she wasn't attracted to him or she would never want to sleep with him. They were all along the lines of 'we can't allow ourselves to do this'. So this chapter also tells the story of one of those instances.

And I usually indent flashbacks but this one is too long so I've just marked throughout the chapter with the proper years.

* * *

><p><strong>Time Travelers<strong>

Sitting down with a scotch in their usual booth, Barney can hardly believe he and Robin are getting married in only forty-five days. Sure, there are some nerves starting to crop up every now and then as they're getting closer and closer to the actual day, but mostly it's just incredible that the day is coming at all. To think that they're getting _married_ very shortly. Robin is going to be his _wife_ and he is going to be her _husband_. It's more than he used to dare to even let himself imagine – but it's _real_ and it's happening soon. And so sometimes he has his little fears and insecurities pop up, but more than anything he just marvels at how he ever got so fortunate as to have everything come together for him straight out of his dreams.

His musings are disrupted, however, but the thump of Ted's phone falling onto the tabletop. Barney looks up and is met with wide eyes and a thrilled expression staring back at him from across the booth.

"Barney, try to contain your excitement," Ted prepares him, "because I just received this email – " He flashes the screen but it's too fast and small for Barney to read. " – about a bonus performance of _Robots versus Wrestlers_!"

Barney had strongly doubted Ted's lead-up would prove worthy of the Groupon for _Architecture Weekly_ or something else similarly lame that was the likely source of his email, but this is actually worthwhile news. "Whoa, seriously?"

"Deadly seriously. And the best part? It's happening _tonight_. Marshall and Lily can't make it. He already told me their sitter cancelled; that's why they can't come down to the bar. So it's just going to be the three of us tonight. But as soon as Robin gets here I'll run over to the box office, grabs us some tickets, and then we can start getting our pre-game buzz on! You know you've really got to be drunk to – "

"Ted, wait," Barney interrupts. He hates to burst Ted's bubble but he's got his priorities and Robin ranks first on that list. "If it's tonight then I – " He cuts off abruptly when he happens to glance down at the lapel of his suit. There's a fallen hair marring all that fine craftsmanship; Giorgio Armani would definitely not approve.

His first thought is that it's Robin's hair. She came to see him at work this afternoon to tell him that their caterer just fell through and they'll have to find another one. Since she was at lunch and 'happened to be' close by, she delivered the news in person. Her visit was a pleasant surprise – she'd gotten up early that morning to cover a story so he hadn't even seen her since falling asleep the night before – and she was wearing those knee-high boots that always tempt him, with a cute little black and white dress that would easily lend to fooling around. Talk of the caterer got them talking about their upcoming wedding – in just forty-five days! – and their wedding _night_. Then Robin wrapped her fingers in his tie and it was pretty much on from there. They ended up kissing frantically with some heavy petting until his secretary buzzed in, effectively putting a stop to it. So it makes perfect sense that a piece of her hair could have fallen onto his suit in the process.

But when he gathers the hair between his fingers he knows instantly that it's not Robin's. It's short and blonde, meaning there's only one scalp it fell out of: _his_. Going bald is one of his greatest fears in life. He _cannot_ end up another Simon. In a panic, his hand flies to his forehead and he rubs across it checking for signs of hairline recession, and then up to the top of his head where his fingers examine the familiar pattern of hair growth trying to ascertain thickness and quantity. But it's too hard; he at least needs a mirror. His face etched in concern, he demands "Ted, scalp check!" and bends his head over the table.

"Can't Robin do this?" Ted grumbles

In fact she does do scalp check for him every Saturday morning. His hair loss paranoia isn't one of his finest qualities and he's done his best to keep it under wraps – even Marshall and Lily don't know about scalp check. Robin giggled up a storm when she found out about the ritual four years ago, but during their first full weekend engaged they were sitting on his couch together when she started sifting her fingers through his hair. He assumed it was a precursor to intimacy but when he tried to kiss her she laughed and told him, "Later. I've got to finish doing scalp check for you first." It became a regular thing after that.

But truthfully he's not sure how adept she is at the task. He never taught her the technique or showed her the pictures of his scalp over the years for comparison. Mostly he just likes the feel of her fingers in his hair massaging him, and it generally _does_ lead to sex so he's not complaining. But this is an emergency. "Come on, you've been doing it for years. You know the frame of reference. Scalp check!"

Rolling his eyes, Ted leans in and begins examining Barney's hair.

And that happens to be the moment that Robin walks into MacLaren's and observes the scene contemplatively. "Hmm. That's odd," she remarks as she approaches the booth. "A little early in the week for scalp check."

"He found a strand of hair on his suit and now he's convinced they're all falling out," Ted explains.

"Aw," Robin coos. Bending down, she gives Barney a solid kiss, her hand going instinctively to the nape of his neck where her fingers grasp a handful of his hair. "Baby, I'm sure that's my fault," she comforts, setting her arm over his shoulder and leaning her hip against him as she smiles down at him. "_I_ probably pulled it out while I was at your office."

Of course. He had her bent backwards over his desk sucking her neck while fondling her breast and she had a fistful of his hair when they were interrupted. Losing hair to sex play is perfectly acceptable, just so long as it's not falling on its own. "Yeah, that's right," he sighs in relief as she eases down to sit beside him.

"So," Robin turns to Barney, "after doing some online research, I got out of work early to go around town collecting brochures and sample menus." She wryly pats her now-heavy purse. "You ready to go home and look through them?"

"What's this about?" Ted asks anxiously, his plans for tonight suddenly in jeopardy.

"That's what I was trying to tell you," Barney says. "Our caterer fell through so now we've only got a few weeks to find a new one."

"Which is why we'll be having an intense wedding planning session tonight," Robin puts in and Barney dutifully nods his agreement.

"_No_," Ted whines. "You guys _can't_ tonight. It's Robots versus Wrestlers: Legends. _Legends_. Can't you figure that out some other night?"

Robin shakes her head 'no'. "Dates are booking up fast. We'll be lucky if we can find anyone on such short notice. The sooner we lock someone down the better. Besides," she adds, already gathering her purse, "as much as I'll miss seeing Mexican Wrestler Ted, the wedding is a _little_ more important. You'll think so too, Best Man, if there's nothing to eat but takeout burgers."

"But think of the novelty of that," he continues to argue.

"It's not happening, Ted." Robin looks to Barney again. "I'm going to run and see Marvin a minute while you finish your drink. Meet me up there?" She gives him a peck on the lips as she slides back out of the booth.

Barney smiles after her, taking a long smooth drink of his scotch, but when he turns back to the table Ted is eyeing him unnervingly. "What? You're creeping me out, bro."

"Robots versus Wrestlers, Barney," he tempts.

"You heard Robin."

"It's Legends, elderly wrestlers fighting old-timey robots," Ted sweetens the deal. "When in life are you ever going to see that again?"

"Probably never," Barney concedes. "But this is important to her. And me too. I don't want our wedding guests eating some crappy last-minute buffet," he shudders.

Ted sighs heavily, and the table falls into silence while Barney nurses his drink and Ted glumly looks around the bar. Several minutes go by when Ted eventually asks, "Do you remember the night of the Minnesota Tidal Wave fight?"

Barney gives him a funny look. "What made you think of _that_?"

"The girl over there with the strawberry drink and the crazy straw," he gestures to the bar. "We _need_ to make another awesome memory like that. We need the night of April 10th, 2013 to live in the annals of time."

"Excellent buildup," Barney nods in appreciation.

"Thank you, I've been working on it since I read the email. So you're in?"

"Sorry, Ted. We've got to get this wedding stuff sorted _out_ so I can be free to get _in_ to Robin later tonight. You know what I'm talkin' about!" He raises his hand for a high five that Ted reluctantly gives. "And that's a _way_ better time than even the awesomeness that is Robots Versus Wrestlers," Barney says, drinking one last gulp and then edging out of the booth. "But take pictures, okay?

* * *

><p>An hour into trying to decide on a caterer they still can't agree on any of them. If there's one Robin likes, there's always something about the menu that Barney doesn't care for and vice versa. It's past the point of tiresome and starting to get extremely frustrating now.<p>

Admittedly, pickings are slim at this point but Robin recognizes they've got to go with _someone_ so some concessions are just going to have to be made. Looking across at Barney, she takes a sip from her scotch to fortify her. "Alright. This is the last one," she announces, setting the menu on the kitchen counter between them.

Barney picks it up and examines it – and she can tell from his facial expression that he's ruled them out in under a minute. "Seriously? This is a _serious_ choice?" he mocks the menu in his hand. "I mean taquitos as an appetizer, Robin? Really?" he asks, showing her the page to prove his point of how shockingly beneath them this caterer is.

Robin puts her hand out in exasperation. "If you hate it so much, _you_ find something better. This isn't easy, Barney."

"Well _this_ – " He holds up the menu again contemptuously. " – certainly doesn't come close." Then he throws it down on the counter completely, letting it skid to a stop on the surface.

"So you're gonna dismiss it just like that? We don't _have_ to serve taquitos. I'm sure they have other choices," she argues at the same time that Barney is gesturing with both hands and zealously maintaining, "I want something that's so legendary it lives on in people's minds for ages to come."

"Oh, well, as long as we're keeping our expectations to a realistic level," she shoots back.

"Legendary is always realistic _and_ obtainable. Why I can – "

"_Stop_! Barney, stop." They're getting nowhere this way, talking in circles and talking _over_ each other and accomplishing nothing but setting nerves on end and making tempers flare. "Are we actually fighting over legendary status?"

Barney smiles dryly. "I believe it was over _how_ legendary a caterer can be."

"Truce?" Robin smiles back.

"Truce."

She laughs and he joins her. "This is _crazy_."

"Yeah, it is. Why are we bickering over silly details?"

"I don't know," she shakes her head, amused. "I just want some decent food at our wedding. I'm not a Ted. I want our wedding to be classy and awesome, yes, but I could honestly care less what actual dishes people eat."

"Going over all these little specifics is only making us stressed when we should be blissfully enjoying our last few weeks of illicit sex," he smirks, making Robin laugh some more – which was his end goal, though he does perfectly believe in the sentiment of his statement.

"Okay, I have the perfect solution. We're hiring a wedding planner, someone we pay to take care of all this _for _us."

"_Yes_," he agrees. "Why didn't we think of this before?"

"We just wanted to do it on our own," Robin acknowledges. "But it was pretty foolish to try to take it all on ourselves. I mean I'm happy we're both so excited about the wedding, but we're no Lily or Ted; we're not into detail work. And you're right, we don't need the stress. I'd much rather we enjoy each other tonight instead of thumbing through menus."

"How about this?" Barney proposes, looking over at the kitchen table full of rejected caterer's pamphlets. "We throw these down on the bed, roll around and give them a good pounding in the way that we do best," he winks. "And then we can thumb through some take-out menus instead."

"Sounds like a plan." She takes all the menus and drops them on the kitchen floor, walking into the living room to sit down on the couch.

Barney comes to join her, sitting back and watching as she unzips her boots, baring the entire length of her legs…..Ahh, her legs. Robin's always had the longest, most _incredible_ legs – and a tendency to show them off in high heels and short skirts that make his mouth water.

Ted asked him earlier about the Minnesota Tidal Wave dispute and it's got that night fresh in his mind. In the year in between when Robin broke up with Ted and when the two of _them_ first slept together, there were nights when Barney felt like he might spontaneously combust from the need to have her. And that night was foremost among them.

He decides to mention it to her now to see if _she_ remembers. "After you left the bar tonight, Ted was talking about the night you and Marshall had that dance-off over Robin Scherbatsky drinks."

Recalling it, she smiles widely. "Oh yeah. I remember." She gazes over at him through hooded eyes and the two share the kind of look that still gives her a rush every time. "That was the night you and I almost…."

"Yep, _that_ night…"

~ 2008 ~

"She and I will adjourn to the Jacuzzi," Barney continues his story that is just about to get highly pornographic, "where the _fourth_ girl will be waiting for us, already warming herself up on the jets." He rises up off the booth to demonstrate but sees Robin heading towards them. "Oh, Robin's here! I'll tell you the rest later….."

"Please do, that story could go anywhere."

Ted can say what he wants but Barney knows that he loves his stories and depends on them to brighten up his dull world. One of these days The Belt will truly be his – and then Ted will _really_ get to hear a good story.

"Tell you what story later?" Robin asks, sliding into the booth next to Barney. "_I_ want to hear it. I'm sure it's disgusting and possibly even disturbing, but I'm in the mood for one of Barney's stories tonight."

"In that case, let the orgy continue!" Barney declares merrily. "After I boned Girl Number One and Girl Number Two consecutively but separately, I decided to try a back-to-back banging, literally – the Japanese Alley-Oop, you're not ready for it – and I was just heading to the Jacuzzi with Girl Number Three to meet up with Girl Number Four and get this threesome on," he catches Robin up. "Now, as I was saying, the fourth girl is warming herself up on the jets when – "

"Ah, Jacuzzi jets," Robin interrupts longingly. "A girl's best friend."

Barney's eyes her with interest. "I take it that means you've tried the method."

"What woman hasn't? Those things are like hundreds of magic fingers right where mama needs 'em," Robin expounds. "And when I'm not alone? Even better. If I can position myself just right to take the jets _and_ the guy…." She sucks in a breath. "….Those are some good times."

Barney blows air through his check at the image that provides. He puts his arm up over the back of the booth and leans into her. "You know I have a Jacuzzi back at my place. You can have all the jets you want as long as I get to be in there too." Robin just rolls her eyes, smiling. "Hey, don't dismiss it so quickly. It has ten pulse settings, all the way up to 'turbo'. Think about _that_."

Before she has a chance to, thankfully, Marshall and Lily come in. "Hey, hello, here we are at the bar once more," Marshall greets them. Robin smiles and Barney nods, not sure where he's going with this. But it soon becomes clear. "What will I have to drink you ask? Minnesota Tidal Wave. What's that you ask? Only the best cocktail ever. Who invented it you ask? _Me_."

"And it's _not_ a girly drink," Lily chimes in supportively.

Marshall's concoction is fantastic, Robin will admit. Usually she goes for scotch or a beer and the occasional martini. She mixes it up now and then, but ordinarily she likes her liquor like she likes her men – strong and hard and ready to get the job done. She doesn't usually go for frou-frou mixed cocktails sipped by Woo Girls with some sort of glittery writing scrolled across their behinds, but there's something about Marshall's drink that is delectable. "Hey, I am the least girly-girl on earth and I love the Minnesota Tidal Wave." Coconut rum, peach schnapps, vanilla vodka, strawberry crème liqueur, cranberry juice, sugar and a topper of maraschino cherries is a drink that may soften her image some, but as she's relentlessly tried to point out to her dad she _is_ a woman after all. Besides, there's a difference between displaying feminine traits and enjoying feminine things and out-right being a girly-girly.

All three of them go up to the bar to order one, Lily for Marshall – because contrary to what he says it _is_ girly enough that he's ashamed to order it – and Robin for herself. While they're gone, Barney continues telling his sex story to Ted while, up at the bar, Carl shocks them by saying, "Wait, you're ordering a Robin Scherbatsky." Marshall tries to protest that it's called a Minnesota Tidal Wave but Carl reveals that since Robin's been ordering them so much they decided to name the drink after _her_.

For Robin it's flattering and gratifying to be immortalized this way. There she is, right on the menu: The Robin Scherbatsky. She smiles widely, primping her hair in pride as her namesake is presented to Marshall.

Once they both have Robin Scherbatsky's in hand, all three come back to the booth in time to hear Barney finishing, "And _that_ is how you do a two-for!"

"Well, it's not the way _I_ did it," Ted boasts, "but it'll work."

"I still don't believe you actually did it. The Belt belongs with _me_. You'll see in the end."

"You're wrong, Barney. _I_ had The Belt first. It belongs to me. _Always_ will."

"You can't just claim eternal dibs on – "

"Hey, hey!" Marshall stops their arguing. "We have more important things to deal with then you two bozos fighting over The Belt. The _Belt_ chooses who it belongs with. It's destiny. Remember that."

Ted frowns but lets the subject drop. "What's the 'more important thing' we have to deal with?"

"They named my drink after _her_," Marshall seethes. He sits down in a daze next to Ted, leaving Lily to pull up the end chair.

Barney glances up at Robin as she slides in next to him simply shrugging, "It's my usual." He can't exactly blame Carl for naming the drink after her. She's unquestionably the draw at this table, in this whole bar truthfully – next to him, of course.

"Immaterial," Marshall argues. "If it's gonna be named after anybody it should be called the Marshall Erickson."

"Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky," she says impudently. "Read it and weep!" And then she takes a triumphant sip from her curly straw.

After that Marshall challenges her to a dance-off to settle the dispute, the winner gets the drink named after them. But Lily won't allow it because his hip has been a little sore lately – they don't know why since he's refusing to go to the doctor – and she figures dancing will surely make it worse.

Robin just keeps sipping her drink nonchalantly through it all. This is one instance where she's glad Lily has Marshall so completely whipped. She loves the idea of a Robin Scherbatsky drink on the menu and she's going to see that it stays that way. "Marshall, there's not gonna be a dance-off because the name is _staying_," she announces brazenly. "Period. End of story."

Barney watches her intently throughout the entire exchange, amused and always impressed by her awesomeness. He appreciates her resolve to stick to her guns and not back down in this despite the pressure. Robin is one strong, independent, incredible woman. She _should_ have a drink named after her. This woman should have a whole city named after her.

Robin ponders it a moment, not just the drink itself but the idea of someone thinking of her and considering her special enough to name something in her honor that way. Her voice softer with perhaps just a touch of vulnerability, she reveals, "I just like….having my name on something."

Barney's eyebrows go up and he takes that to heart, committing it to memory like he voraciously holds on to every tiny bit of information about her – every like and dislike, every little nuisance that's tattooed on his brain of the hows and whys of Robin Scherbatsky.

"Oh, you do?" Marshall taunts. "Oh that's great, Robin. Then that's what you will get. That's. What you. Will get." Then he disappears into the men's room.

"Does he think he's fooling anyone?" Robin scoffs. "I know he's writing something about me in there. I'm not stupid."

"What are you going to do?" Ted asks carefully.

"Oh, I'll get my vengeance all right," she boastfully asserts. "And it'll be sweet – as sweet as this _Robin Scherbatsky_ I'm holding in my hand."

Barney snorts. "Maybe I should get Carl to name a drink after me so you can hold Barney Stinson in your hand…..Or, you know, you could just do it now." He takes hold of her wrist, making as if to drag it beneath the booth.

"Idiot," she laughs, pulling her hand back away from him. But that actually appeals to her far more than it should – though she can't ever let _him_ know that. The thought of getting Barney off under the table when their friends are all right here and have no idea what's happening turns her on tremendously….And then maybe he'd return the favor in front of everyone…..

She shakes herself out of it. She's got to stop thinking things like that about Barney. In dreams she can't help it, but he's crept into far too many of her waking fantasies lately.

Robin gets a much needed distraction a second later when Marshall emerges from the bathroom. "Hey, Robin, you here for a good time? Classic," he sniggers.

Barney closes his eyes and shakes his head. Marshall has _no idea_ who he's dealing with.

"Did you write my number in the men's room?" Robin demands.

"I don't know," Marshall shrugs. "I guess you'll never know unless you go in there which I highly doubt that – "

But she's already grabbed the permanent marker from behind his ear and is on her way.

"There she goes. I don't think you should have done that," Lily says.

_Obviously_ he shouldn't have. Barney shakes his head again. You don't mess with Robin. Like some little sign is going to keep her out, or in for that matter. She'll go wherever and do whatever and be whoever she pleases. She is one amazing chick.

A minute later, Robin comes out of the men's room and stops, jutting her hip out with an attitude that's all sassy and bold and take-no-prisoners. Then she absolutely _delights_ Barney by giving Marshall _his_ famous "I'm watching you" hand signal before plunging determinedly into the ladies' room.

_What a woman_, Barney thinks. She's like one of his magic fire balls – smokin' hot and just a bit dangerous, untamed and all its own, and positively explosive when he touches it. What he wouldn't give for so much as one night with her! It would be sizzling, electric, intense, and fiercely passionate. But who is he kidding? Sex with Robin would be so mind-blowing he'd never be satisfied with one night alone.

"Nobody writes things on the wall in the ladies' room," Marshal reasons, and it draws Barney out of his fantasy and back into the conversation.

Lily gives her husband a pitying look. "Have you _been_ in the ladies' room?"

"_Of course_ not. Lily, I may have the sexual charisma of a bad boy but I certainly don't have the manners of one." Marshall directs that statement straight to Barney, the one man at the table who has both.

Barney just has to laugh at the idea that Marshall is in _any_ way a 'bad boy'.

Robin comes out of the bathroom then, smirking like the cat that ate the canary. She makes eye contact directly with Barney, looking oh so very pleased with herself, and they share a private smile. Whatever she has planned for Marshall, it's killer, he knows.

Worried – as he should be – Marshall turns to Robin, wanting to know what she wrote in there, but she just stares him down. "Why don't you go in and look?"

"You know I can't do that, Robin." When Lily refuses, however, Marshall has no choice.

Once he's gone, stepping directly into her web, Robin sits down beside Barney again. "I hope you don't mind that I borrowed your move back there."

"Mind? I'm just glad _someone_ was finally paying attention to my teachings." He glares across at Ted before turning back to Robin. "So what did you write?"

"Well, after I went in the men's room and found 'For a _good_ – double underlined – time call Robin Scherbatsky; she's been drinking Marshall Erickson's all night!' written in the one occupied stall, I had to – "

"Wait," Ted interjects, "if the stall was occupied then how did you read it?"

"I just kicked in the door, shouted 'Don't mind me', and leaned over the guy to scratch out my name."

"Oh my god, Robin." Ted looks horrified but Barney is enamored with her bold, fearless spirit.

"So what did you write in the ladies' room?" Barney repeats, hanging on her every word.

"After that I knew I had to do something more than put up a limerick about Marshall. Not only did he write my name in the men's room, he got _my_ drink wrong too!" she says outraged, perhaps more offended by that than the actual slander. "He deserves a steeper punishment, something much worse than just a few silly words. So I made up a long, rambling story about my messed up childhood and wrote it all over the wall. That way he'll still be in there reading it long for some woman – " The excitement grows in her voice as she cuts off, nodding her head toward a group of women just now walking into the ladies' room. " – to come in, making Marshall freak out and hide in the stall where he'll then be trapped."

Barney is in even more awe of her. Robin definitely deserves pedestal status. Ted was right about that; he just has her up on a pedestal for all the wrong reasons. "You wrote something in the stall too, didn't you?" he asks perceptively.

"Sure did: 'Gotcha! Love, Robin, creator of the _Robin Scherbatsky'. _Not the Marshall Erickson or the Minnesota Tidal Wave, thank you very much."

Barney shakes his head in admiration. "You are _so_ cool. Respect high five," he decrees, raising his hand to give her one.

"You know it," Robin answers, all vivacious cheekiness as she slaps him five. Screaming coming from inside the ladies' room draws their attention away for a moment making her smirk. "And that would be my cue."

Barney watches mesmerized as she joins Lily in waiting for Marshall outside the ladies' room where a stream of women comes running out, Marshall right behind them. He's promptly scolded by Carl – "Girls come here, they just want to relax with their friends, maybe have a few Robin Scherbatskys" – while Robin holds up her glass, gloating victoriously at both her successful prank and the permanent name of her drink.

And Barney just keeps watching. He's so busy watching Robin, in fact, that he didn't even notice when Ted left the booth but now he sees him up at the bar talking to some girl he evidently knows. But Barney pays Ted little mind because two seconds later Robin slides in next to him close enough that her thigh presses into his.

"So…..walking in on a lady in the bathroom like some pervert is now known as a Marshall Erickson," she informs him. "Pass it on to your friends. Feel free to write about it in your blog."

Barney looks to her in elated surprise. "Have you been reading my blog?"

Robin just tilts her head at him, giving nothing away.

"_Scherbatsky_," he prompts.

"Fine. I may have checked it out."

"I _knew_ the view count was going up!"

Marshall and Lily come back to sit across from them then, and Ted slinks over a minute later too after having apparently gotten rebuffed by the blonde.

"Hey, you look kind of down," Robin remarks, offering him her latest drink that's just been delivered. "Have a _Robin Scherbatsky_, on me," she taunts Marshall as Barney looks on, wholly charmed.

"None of this would have happened if Lily had let me dance," Marshall grouses, which leads to Lily storming off.

"You're still clinging to that?" Robin narrows her eyes at him, wondering when he's just going to admit defeat to her obvious superiority both in cunning and in dance skills. "Marshall, it doesn't matter. You'd lose anyway. And you know why? Cause I'm Sparkles, bitch."

Barney's lips purse and he laughs in absolute delight. There has literally never been a woman like her. Never in his life has he been so entertained, enchanted, captivated, attracted, utterly enthralled and dangerously interested in any woman before.

Mumbling some rhetoric about stepping up to the streets, Marshall interrupts Barney's inner monologue and he looks at him like he's lost it. But then Lily turns on Marshall's jam, halting Robin's retort. It seems Lily is allowing the competition after all and Barney looks on, beguiled, as Robin unwaveringly accepts Marshall's dance-off.

From his place in the booth Barney watches completely enraptured – so much so that once Ted sees the look on his face he has to turn around to see what he's missing that's so riveting – while Robin bobs up and down, strutting her shoulders and shaking her hips as she dances up to Marshall. It's silly and the least hardcore "street" thing he's _ever_ seen, but on her it's adorable. She just keeps spinning and doing the cabbage patch and some crazy version of the robot until they're finally forced to call it a draw when Marshall's hip starts hurting him.

After that Lily insists they go home and Ted hurries off to make one last attempt with his blonde while Robin comes back to sit across from Barney. "The title still stands," she informs him, sipping her drink cheerfully.

"Of course it does. Marshall was far out-gunned," he replies, lifting his scotch glass to her. She joins him in the toast, touching her glass to his, and they both take a gulp. "….And it seems about right that Marshall and Lily would run back home after only fifteen minutes at the bar." He shakes his head in disgust at his 'nesting' friends.

"It's only a matter of time before we lose Ted too." She motions over to the bar where Ted is busy chatting up his girl. "I predict he's out the door and after her in another five minutes."

"Nope, this is _Ted_. He'll have to muster up his courage. I'm calling it at fifteen."

"No way, Stinson. Look at those puppy dog eyes. He's never gonna last that long."

"Ten bucks?"

"Easy money," Robin says, all swagger. "You're on."

Barney grins. "It's gonna be just the two of us either way, which is fine by me. We'll make the night perfectly leg – wait for it – "

"dary," she finishes at the same time as him. "I know." And she laughs at his response – half thrilled that she knows him well enough to finish his sentences and she's willing to play along in a way the others never have been, and half insulted that she took the wind out of his sails. "What should we do?"

"Play laser tag, naturally."

She shakes her head. "We should go to the shooting range. Fire off a few rounds. I'm a roll tonight; I need to keep that high going."

"I know better ways to get a high, Robin. Besides, guns and alcohol don't mix. I found that out on my last GNB trip overseas."

"Wow," she muses but doesn't ask him to elaborate any further. "So we settle it in a dance-off? Winner gets to decide where we go?"

"Please," Barney scoffs. "And embarrass myself the way you and Marshall just did?"

"This coming from the man who's watched my music video at least a thousand times. You _love_ my moves."

She pins him with her eyes playfully, and Barney can't deny the absolute truth of her statement in more ways than she even realizes. He breaks down rather quickly after that and agrees to the dance-off – but with the provision that neither one of them gets to choose the song. They each have to go in blind.

"Fine," she says, leaving her drink at the table to walk up to the jukebox. "I'm still gonna own you." And when she feels him come up behind her, she turns around to tease him some more. "Just pretend I'm your cousin and then maybe those grinding-all-night skills will kick in."

He smiles. "Laugh while you can, Scherbatsky. You'll be suiting – of the laser tag variety – up before the night is through."

They push buttons at random to be fair, Barney hitting the letter keys and Robin hitting the numbers, and when Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time" comes on they both burst out laughing.

"How are we supposed to dance to this?" Robin giggles. Even so, she gamely raises her hands over her head and starts swaying along to the music, slowly gyrating her hips in time to the song. "Oh come on, Barney. Aren't you at least gonna try?" she goads him.

It's difficult to say what's more charming, her dancing or the way she's smiling at him, but the lyrics _I'm so inspired by you; that hasn't happened for the longest time_ have never been so true.

She grabs his arm, yanking him into the dance, and he plays along, caught up in the spirit of the thing as they razz each other all the while. They must look completely insane to everyone else in the bar but they're having too much fun to care and have honestly forgotten that there _is_ anyone else there.

Barney spins Robin out and then back into him, letting out a falsetto "OooooOoo" to match Billy Joel's.

"Perfect! I love it!" Robin laughs and then dissolves entirely into infectious giggles that get ahold of Barney too. "Okay," she says when she's recovered herself, "_sing_-off instead then."

"A sing-off against the great Robin Sparkles of "Let's Go to the Mall" fame?" he feigns shock.

She just shakes her head, grinning. "Oh ho ho, you can't hustle me, Barney. You should know better."

"I guess I should," Barney smiles, but there's less of the pure, innocent fun in it and more of something else bubbling between them, something magnetic and electric – a chemistry that's been sparking more and more lately whenever they're together…..And that indefinable 'something' builds to a peak as they keep dancing noticeably closer now and the song's words – _Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone. I'll take my chances. I forgot how nice romance is. I haven't been there for the longest time_ – mock him.

Robin makes a show of clearing her throat and then plunges into the sing-off. "_I had second thoughts at the start. I said to myself, 'hold on to your heart'_," she sings. She started out jokingly at first, even clutching her hands to her heart overly theatrically. But as she finishes singing the line, for a disturbing moment the truth of it hits a little too close to home so she falls back on the comfort of teasing him again. "So what's it gonna be, Stinson? Are you gonna step up to all this?" she asks, running her hand down over her body.

That's rather the question of the day – the year, really. That very question silently taunts him every time he looks at her, every time she laughs and it stirs something in him that he didn't even know _could_ be stirred.

Robin's still smiling challengingly at him. She's caught completely off guard when he takes hold of her hand and pulls her in flush against him, serenading her, "_I don't care what consequence it brings. I have been a fool for lesser things_."

Barney trails off and as Billy Joel finishes for them – _I want you _so_ bad. I think you ought to know that I intend to hold you for the longest time –_ his eyes drift to her mouth and Robin's unmistakably do the same thing, lingering on his lips.

"Hey, guys, I'm – " Ted interrupts and they jump back away from each other guiltily. As the closing strains of the song play in the background, Ted glances back and forth between them, sensing there's something there, something that causes his intuition to bristle and stand on edge. "Is everything okay?" he asks apprehensively.

"Yeah, yeah," Barney assures him.

"Just having a dance-off," Robin corroborates, but she exchanges a look with Barney that's just a little too loaded and she holds for a little too long.

Ted dismisses it for the time, however, his sights set on Stella at the moment. "_Okay_….well I was just saying I'm taking off," he tells them, heading out in a flash after Stella as she and her friends walk out of the bar.

Robin turns back to Barney. "And we lost Ted in just under four minutes. You owe me ten bucks," she smirks.

* * *

><p>Since there was no clear winner of the dance-off or sing-off they decide to compromise with the cigar bar as their destination for the evening. They smoke and drink and talk the night away. Over a scotch, sitting in the comfortable high-backed chairs in a private dimly-light corner, Robin finds it's easy to open up to Barney about things she hasn't told anyone and he finds himself doing the same.<p>

And at the end up of the night, they wind up back at MacLaren's just before closing time so Robin can have another one of her fruity, addictive namesakes.

"Do you think it's true, Barney?" she asks him, her fingers playing over the straw as she sips from her drink. "What Marshall wrote? Would a guy really take one look at me and think I'm a 'good time' after drinking Robin Scherbatskys all night?"

"I know _I'd_ have a good time tasting Robin Scherbatsky all night."

"Reaching, but I'll allow it," she smiles, giving him a fist bump this time.

Barney stares down into his scotch and then ventures a glance back up at her. "The truth is, Robin, any guy's gonna take one look at you and _know_ you're a good time, drunk or sober."

There it is again, that edge of flirtation that's been between them all night as they joke and laugh and sit far closer together than necessary, finding every excuse to touch each other. But Carl announces last call and that's their cue to leave, walking out of the bar and up the stairs together.

It's a cool evening in late February but Barney and Robin are too warmed from the booze and their laughter to feel the chill of the night air as their evening of broing out comes to an end and they stretch out every last bit of their time together even as they wait for the cab he called to take her back to Brooklyn.

"Tonight was legendary, Barney. You were right," Robin admits. "…..Why do I always have so much fun with you?"

"Um, because I'm _awesome_."

"I guess you must be," she laughs softly.

Suddenly he's much closer to her, tucking a piece of her long windblown hair behind her ear. His fingers graze her cheek in the process, accidentally or on purpose she's not sure but the now-familiar and entirely unwanted hormones start churning. They do that whenever he touches her….or gets within her body space...or smells particularly good that night….or just happens to be wearing that one navy suit she loves. She feels that warm wanting spreading, pooling low in her abdomen. And the prospect of going back to an empty apartment hot-and-bothered with only her vibrator to satisfy the craving he's unwittingly awakened doesn't hold any appeal at all. "There's only one thing that could make this night better," she sighs.

She's not even sure she spoke it out loud until Barney finishes for her, "Sex?" Reading her mind as usual, he invades her space even further. "Sex makes any night better."

"Too bad neither one of us picked up anyone to go home with," Robin points out.

"You could always go home with me." And in an instant Barney moves in, pressing her body against the side of the staircase with his own as his hand curves into her waist and he bends his mouth to her ear. "We both know you want to, Robin." He slides his hand down to her hip, his fingers bunching up in a fistful of the silk dress she's wearing that barely covers her ass – and leave it to Robin the Canadian to not even have a coat on in February so the cool air makes her nipples stand at attention and tease him all night. "Let me take this little thing off you and we'll play the game of 'Battleship' we've been missing out on for the past two years."

"…..Barney….we – we're friends," she stammers, "….bros." But the halfhearted objection is weak even to her own ears, and her fingers curling into his shoulders of their own accord don't help any. Because she _does_ want to sleep with him. She knows it and apparently he does too. Catching her off-guard this way only heightens that fact. She doesn't have her defenses ready. Her walls are down…..and her panties are soon going to follow if she's not careful.

He presses his lips to the receptive space beneath her ear lobe in a kiss with just the shadow of his teeth grazing over her skin, and he hears her breathe in sharply. "There's nothing in _The Bro Code_ that says male and female bros can't get it on," he urges hotly in her ear. He hears her stuttered sigh as he brushes his lips over her again. He can feel the pickup of her pulse, the rush of her blood, in the increased rise and fall of her chest against his.

But Robin hasn't lost all her good sense. He may have her turned on, all systems go, but she's not having sex with him tonight. She knows better than to allow herself to falter and make that mistake. "….We…..we _can't_ sleep together. Barney, no."

That one word is the end of it and like flipping a switch he turns off all that fire, stepping back away from her and offering his trademark grin. "I _knew_ that's what you'd say. I was just messing around."

Robin's mouth drops open in amusement. "No, you weren't." Barney Stinson never likes to admit being turned down but she knows a man who wants her when she sees one, and there is no way he was 'just messing around'. "If I had said 'yes' you totally would have done it – _me_."

He only waffles for a split second before candidly admitting, "Hell yes, I would have. _Of course_ I want to sleep with you. Look at you. And you're the rare exception who has a brain to go along with that body…..and who's clever and sharp and funny. Who wouldn't want to sleep with you?" He puffs up his shoulders, straightening his tie. "And for the record, you would have _loved_ it," he promises, a hint of that fire back.

He holds her gaze captive and that warmth once sitting in her lower abdomen takes to throbbing further south. "_Off_ the record….." she finally answers him, "I'm sure I would have."

At this hypothetical but nevertheless distinct sign of interest, Barney steps closer again, his eyes all dark heat and his expression softly wanting, like he's loosened the reins just a little bit. With a shiver she wonders what it would be like if he ever unleashed it all on her.

"You know, if we _did_ start having sex, it wouldn't have to ruin our friendship," he whispers, and she doesn't miss the fact that he left it an open-ended thing not a one-night-stand. "What makes a man and a woman closer bros than a few shared orgasms?"

He makes a strong case, and the argument seems even stronger tonight when he's standing so close and her body is throbbing for him. But he's dangerous for her; she's always known that. And even if she could find a way to handle him safely, which she isn't sure is possible and that's the reason he's always frightened her a little, there's the issue of more than just the two of them at stake here.

"It's not _just_ us to think about. It would ruin the entire group dynamic," Robin argues. "Ted would be furious. Lily and Marshall would be disappointed. It would make everything awkward."

"Not between us."

"Maybe not." She has no doubt that he could handle a no-strings sex affair between the two of them. _She's_ the one who's a bit iffy. She could always do 'sex only' with other guys – she even preferred it. But there's an undercurrent of something different and intimidatingly beyond her control between her and Barney. It feels like if she's gets to close to the fire she _will_ get burned. And that's not to mention what it will do to the group. "Maybe we'd be fine, but with the others it would ruin things. And you don't want that. Ted's your best friend."

For just a moment, Barney drops the mask. "Is he?"

"Are you saying you're finally admitting the title belongs to Marshall?" Robin teases.

"Oh no, I'm a better friend to Ted than Marshall is. But is Ted a better friend to _me_? I'm out tonight having legendary times and after the first twenty minutes where has he been? Chasing after some girl who's not interested. That's where he always seems to be."

His claim is a solid one and Robin knows it. The friendship between Barney and Ted has always struck her as sadly uneven. Barney would do anything for Ted but she's not so sure that goes both ways.

"And who's here with me?" Barney continues, about to nail his point….and then hopefully her. "_You_ are."

Huh. He's right. They do seem to spend a lot more time with each other now than with anyone else – even alone with each other – while Ted's off chasing dreams and Marshall and Lily are busy building their married life together. "So maybe we _are_ best friends. That's all the more reason _not_ to do anything that might change that…..I like you too much to lose you, Barney."

His eyes are disappointed but his lips curve into a smile of fond affection at that.

"But just so you know," Robin confesses because she does like him so much he deserves at least this bone of consolation truth, "if we weren't friends, if we'd just met at the bar tonight, I would totally hit that. I'd be _all_ over that. Look at you; who wouldn't want to sleep with you?" she matches him word-for-word and means it one hundred percent.

Barney's eyebrow rises. "That door's still open, Scherbatsky. Come on in. You don't even have to knock," he murmurs suggestively, his fingers grazing over her hip again heading down toward her thigh.

"_If_ we weren't friends," she smirks, removing his hand.

"Well I guess it's a good thing for you that we are. Now that I know you're never going to sleep with me I can tell you that….I'm not sure you could have handled it anyway," he brags. "No one's ever rocked you as hard as I would have."

She laughs it off even though something about the way he says it sends a tingle up her spine. Because he's probably right. She's certain he _is_ a good lay. Practice makes perfect so he must be an expert. But he has no idea that _she_ can go with the best of them. "I would have handled it. And I would have kept up. Maybe no one's ever rocked _you_ as hard as _I_ would have."

He has an uncomfortable feeling that she's right, but that doesn't stop him from wanting to dive into that danger anyway. He's wanted her from the first moment he laid eyes on her. She likes it dirty the same as he does – and the things they could do together blow his mind. "It's not too late to find out," he offers.

"Barney, Barney, Barney…." she sighs, shaking her head with a smile playing over her lips. "I think it's one of those things where it's best we don't know."

An interesting answer indeed. "Or we wouldn't be able to resist?" he questions her further.

Robin just grins enigmatically as her cab pulls up. "Good night, Barney." She closes the few steps between them and sets her open palms to his chest, kissing him low on his cheek.

Her lips are soft and warm and torturously inviting against his skin – so close but yet too far from his mouth – and he wants her so badly it's almost painful.

"A little sampling of what we're missing out on," she says by way of explanation.

"We don't _have_ to miss it. Give me one night and you'll be begging for more," he pleads, reaching up to caress her waist.

But she's already drawing back away from him. "Cab's here, Barney," she laughs soft and low, walking to the curb and into the safety of the cab – alone...

~ 2013 ~

"That was the first time you kissed me," Barney sighs.

Robin smiles. "It was just your cheek."

"My lips too."

"No, it wasn't."

"Well, the _corner_ of my mouth."

She doesn't deny that and her smile turns mischievous. "So I have bad aim."

"No, you don't. You knew what you were up to. You did it on purpose, you little minx."

"I may have called my vibrator by your name that night," she admits.

"And I may have gone home alone and jerked off to your Metro News One footage."

Robin laughs. "We are such a mess."

Barney throws his arm over her shoulder, pulling her in closer to him on the couch. "Thank God I somehow managed to turn that 'no' into a 'yes'."

"Actually…..you didn't." Confused, he looks over at her and she comes out with the rest. "Remember what you said back then about how it only takes a woman 8.3 seconds to decide if she's going to sleep with a guy and then she never changes her mind? I….I wouldn't admit it then but you were right."

"What do you mean?"

"It was _always_ a 'yes', Barney. I just couldn't let myself say it yet. That first night, seven and a half years ago, I saw you in the bar before Ted even came in and….I liked what I saw – despite the fact that you were checking out every woman that walked by. That just let me know you'd be up for it. I pretty much immediately decided that I was going to sleep with you if you came over and talked to me. And so when you did come tap me on the shoulder I thought it was happening and I was finally going to get that hook up. That's why I don't know if you noticed but I looked off after you for a few seconds because I saw my chance at hot sex walking away. But then you introduced me to Ted and I'd seen him smiling at me earlier and you'd disappeared, so when he asked me out to dinner I thought, why not? Because of _you_ I was really ready to get some, and he seemed like a nice enough guy so….."

"Wow," Barney marvels, stunned. "You realize that completely changes Ted's vision of your so called perfect meeting."

"Ted's always had his own, warped vision of how we met. He wanted something out of a movie, something out of his fantasy, and I didn't even believe in happily ever after and destiny back then. I was just looking for a booty call and he told me he loved me on the _first night_, before he even _knew_ me. We were totally different people looking for drastically different things. But after he said _that_ we weren't about to share a laugh over the fact that I'd actually wanted to get it on with his friend." Robin smiles, leaning in to kiss him lightly. "Ted's never understood you and me anyway. I'm just glad we got past all that."

"Yeah," Barney echoes, but his voice is entirely without conviction. She may be turning a blind eye but he's well aware of the fact that Ted's not past it at all.

"Anyway, enough about Ted," Robin says, setting her hand to his knee as she pushes herself up off the couch. "We need to celebrate our liberation from doing any and all dirty work now that I'm hiring a wedding planner." She crosses over to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine.

"Baby, I'm in for anything you want to celebrate. I _love_ the way we celebrate." He grabs the remote off the banister. "I'll turn on The Room With A Screw. What are you in the mood for?"

"How about some place tropical?" He switches it to a lush Caribbean island with the ocean in the background and a white sand beach all around them. "Beautiful," Robin sighs. "Should I go put on a bikini?"

Barney nods. "I'd like to see that." She flashes him a smile, taking off toward their bedroom to change. "But just so you know," he says, stopping her. "I'm gonna take it back off you within the first twenty minutes."

"Oh, we both know it won't even take that long," she winks. "Hey, instead of wine we should have mixed drinks to match the Caribbean setting. Ooo, let's have Robin Scherbatskys!"

Her drink is no longer on the menu at MacLaren's but little did they know that five years later Barney would go on to honor Robin's appreciation and desire for her name on something by naming his last and greatest play after her, the one that ended in the two of them being engaged right now – which is way better than landing a permanent spot at MacLaren's bar.

"As much as I love plunging my tongue into a sweet Robin Scherbatsky – and, yes, I mean that sexually – it's not _entirely_ tropical, just the coconut rum."

She thinks about it a second and then her face brightens with excitement. "I know! We can add pineapple. It's blond and quirky like you. We'll call them 'Robin and Barney's'."

Barney nods, grinning. "I like it."

"It'll be our special drink, for just the two of us," she pronounces, passing him on his way into the kitchen while she heads off to the bedroom.

When she comes back from changing, Barney is sitting on the couch waiting for her with their drinks already made and sitting on the coffee table. The minute she walks into the room he pushes the button to start music playing – but no steel drums or beach sounds, instead "For the Longest Time".

She laughs and comes to sit beside him in her bikini now, laying her bare legs over his and he begins massaging them as the song plays. But he jumps in, singing along when it gets to the lyrics, "_Once I thought my innocence was gone. Now I know that happiness goes on_."

Robin scoots all the way into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and singing along with him in harmony, "_That's where you found me when you put your arms around me_."

Barney smiles, kissing her. "Mmm, we should sing a duet at the wedding," he murmurs absently as she touches her mouth to his, kissing him again. He gasps, easing back as the full weight of the idea settles in his brain. "Yes! A Robin Sparkles duet at our wedding! "Sandcastles in the Sand" _is_ our song."

"_Yeaah_, I _really_ don't think that's gonna happen," she answers, leaning over to grab their drinks and handing him one.

"We could have a sing-off over it."

"Or we could just keep drinking until it leads to other things right here on our 'beach'. Have a nice 'tropical' shower together later….maybe Activate The Sex Lounge."

"_That_ one. Let's do that one," Barney eagerly expresses and Robin laughs, clinking her glass with his.

They have no idea what the rest of their lives will hold. Things have already turned out so differently – so much better – than they ever dared to dream all those years ago. And in many ways marriage is the greatest adventure of all. But one thing they do know for sure is that their life together is _never_ going to be boring.


	45. 821

AN: Happy Barney and Robin's wedding day! In real time they would be getting married right now as I post this!

* * *

><p><strong>Romeward Bound<strong>

In the days immediately after they missed Robots Versus Wrestlers with Ted, Robin efficiently made good on what she and Barney resolved that night. With Lily's help she's found and interviewed some of the best wedding planners in the city and ultimately decided on Liddy Gates.

Liddy's professional history is the most impressive and her repertoire best fits the sort of wedding she and Barney are looking for. Yet there's something about her that Robin finds distinctively odd. She seems like a nice enough woman but both times she met with her – in the initial interview over lunch at a nearby cafe and right now in the apartment where she's officially hiring her – Robin has waited for Liddy to take off her oversized entirely-inappropriate-to-the-season puffy coat but she won't so much as unzip it, making Robin wonder what the deal is under there. Either her body is hideous or super-hot. Given Liddy's general air of confidence, Robin is betting on super-hot but it's maddening not knowing. She'd really like to get a look to satisfy her curiosity and to see what a set of breasts so amazing they have to be covered by a down coat at all times must look like.

Just as she's contemplating it, Barney comes home from work early. He's smiling and peppy; all must be well with the Koreans today. "Hey," he greets, kissing her lightly. Then he can't help himself and wraps his arms around her completely, pulling her into him. "Mmm, let me get another." And he kisses her again, this time more prolonged. "I was thinking Thai tonight but if you want Italian we can – " He cuts off when Liddy steps out of the bathroom, still wearing her coat. "Oh, I didn't realize we had company."

"This is Liddy Gates, our new wedding planner," Robin explains.

"Ahh," he nods, introducing himself. "Barney Stinson." He extends his hand to Liddy.

"It's good to meet you, Mr. Stinson," she replies as she shakes his hand. "I'm here to see you have the wedding of your dreams and make it all as smooth as possible for you two."

"Wonderful."

"Your fiancée's told me about the problems with a caterer," Liddy informs him.

Barney smirks over at Robin, remembering how they nearly got into a squabble over trying to pick a new caterer on their own until they chocked it, decided to get a wedding planner, and spent the rest of the night drinking Robin Scherbatskys and making love.

"I know how much you wanted something more sophisticated for the reception dinner than just chicken or beef, so Liddy was thinking lamb," Robin explains. "And stuffed Portobello mushrooms as a vegetarian option. She knows this amazing caterer too."

"That's great, baby. Lamb sounds perfect."

The next twenty minutes of the meeting go similarly well. By the time Liddy gets up to leave she has a very good idea of exactly what Barney and Robin are looking for, as well as firsthand knowledge of what an affectionate and obviously-in-love couple they are.

As soon as the wedding planner is gone – and not a moment too soon; he'd been hoping she'd go for the past fifteen minutes now – Barney pours a scotch for himself and Robin, orders in Thai takeout, and then pulls her down onto the couch to fool around a little while they wait for dinner to arrive.

* * *

><p>With rehearsals for their first dance as husband and wife now underway and the remainder of the wedding planning safely handed over to Liddy, by the time the following Sunday rolls around Robin turns her attention to prodding the boys forward in their planning of Barney's bachelor party. She knows it's a big deal for him; he made that clear back when he was engaged to Quinn.<p>

Marshall first asked her two weeks ago if she was letting Barney have a bachelor party and of course she said she was. Even so, Ted came to her later that day and asked her if she was sure. She assured them each – again – that there really _would_ be a bachelor party, and they've been trying to plan something wild and salaciously befitting Barney ever since. But they don't seem to have gotten much of anywhere. It's already April 21st and with the wedding in just over a month their time to devise the perfect Bro Mitzvah is swiftly running out.

When they all spot Barney walking through MacLaren's door, back from lunch with his mom that Robin made up a work excuse to beg out of but actually came here to oversee the brainstorming instead, they immediately stop talking as he approaches them.

"What's going on?" Barney asks suspiciously.

"Nothing, we were just talking about…babies," Marshall tries, choosing a topic he presumes won't interest him.

"Okay," Barney smiles. "So what did Marvin do now?"  
>"Ah….." Marshall scrambles, "….actually, to tell you the truth, we weren't talking about anything at all."<p>

"Yeah," Ted pipes in. "We're ready to admit it: without you around there just isn't anything to talk about."

"Ted, I saw you all talking when I came in. You only stopped when _I_ walked over to the booth. Come on, what's up?"

Sighing, Robin nudges Ted, letting him know he should just tell the truth. "Marshall and I are planning your bachelor party, okay?" he confesses.

Barney points at them, the idea infinitely amusing. "You two? Planning _my_ bachelor party?" he laughs. "Look, you seem like nice kids, but this is a sacred event, a man's rite of passage with his bros."

For all those reasons, Robin knows this bachelor party is truly important. It means a lot to him and she wants him to have his 'rite of passage'. But she also knows he has a very good point about Ted and Marshall. Neither one of them is likely to plan the kind of party Barney is hoping for. It's a very real problem but one she sees no way around since there _is_ no one else to plan it…_Unless_….

It's unorthodox – pretty much unheard of, really – but Robin doesn't want him to be denied his big night. That's why she offers to help plan it herself so at least it won't be completely lame.

Barney, however, argues that bros' fiancées cannot plan bachelor parties. Robin figures he probably thinks that, as awesome as she is, because he's _her_ fiancé she would make the bachelor party lamer than any of the rest of them. It's sound logic so she's not offended….but she's going to delight in proving him wrong. She can do secret scheming just as well as he can.

Not two minutes after Barney leaves, allowing them to plan his surely "disappointing" Bro Mitzvah, Ted and Marshall have all but given up but Robin is deep in thought.

"This is impossible!" Marshall laments. "I mean how do you make something memorable for a guy who makes _every_ night the best night of his life?"

That's when an idea comes to Robin and _it is_ _perfect_, so much so her mouth curves into a wide smile at the sheer ingenious of it. "Give him the _worst_ night of his life," she says cleverly and instantly begins to formulate her own Bro Mitzvah plan – more of a play as a matter of fact, one she's aptly naming "The Barney".

By the next day she uses her contacts at WWN to obtain some private phone numbers and start making calls to both Ralph Macchio, who agrees right away – apparently an ex-child star will agree to anything if you offer him enough money – and William Zabka, who she has to settle for leaving a voice mail with.

Then she calls Quinn, arranging to meet her face-to-face. She's not exactly looking forward to this conversation, but Quinn's presence is an integral step in her play. Quinn has no particular reason to hate Barney; they parted on good enough terms. And Robin's never had any personal complaint against her either. She still doesn't care for the way Quinn swindled money out of him when they first met but that's water long under the bridge.

When Robin gets to MacLaren's the following afternoon at two, like Quinn asked, she's already there waiting for her in what she knows to be the gang's usual booth. Unlike some 'meeting the ex' situations, it causes Robin no pain to see Quinn again. It's not like she was ever her rival, not truly. Miscommunication and fear were the real reasons she and Barney were apart. But now that she's fully aware that Barney always loved _her_, she's come to recognize that at any point she could have merely said the word and Barney would have left Quinn for her in a heartbeat. Knowing all that – and now that _she's_ the one who finally got her man, and they're heading to the altar to boot – facing Quinn can't hurt Robin in the slightest anymore. Yet it's still bound to be awkward starting out in asking this favor.

"Robin, hi," Quinn says the moment she sits across from her. As Robin sets her purse down a glint of light hits her sizable ring and Quinn gasps. "You're engaged! Nick must be so happy."

Robin grimaces inwardly. "Nick and I broke up last year….Not long after you moved out actually."

"So who are you – " It hits Quinn in a flash, the obvious truth she'd seen coming all along. "You and _Barney_ are getting married."

Quinn phrased it as a sure statement, not even a question, and Robin would desperately like to know why but at the moment she's just bracing herself for Quinn's reaction. "Yes. We are."

There's an uncomfortable beat and then Quinn replies, "Congratulations. I can't say I'm surprised."

That response throws Robin off a little. "Really?"

"I guess I always knew there was something there," Quinn admits. "When Barney first talked about his friends and then introduced me when we were doing our little Broath prank, I said some things about Ted and Marshall and Lily that weren't exactly nice – before I knew you guys of course."

"Of course," Robin allows. Their feelings towards Quinn were less than polite at that time too, although at least _they_ had good reason.

"But whenever I tried to say anything about _you_, Barney would take up for you right away and I could tell he didn't like it. It made me wonder what was going on there. That's why I freaked out when I found out you guys used to date and had a serious relationship and everything," Quinn reveals. "But you swore there was nothing between you two anymore, and you had Nick, so I let it go. I could still see it all summer long though. Don't get me wrong, I was never madly in love with Barney. We never had the connection you two did – the way you'd exchange a glance and just start smiling like you had your own secret language Nick and I couldn't understand. All of the jokes and catchphrases that made you laugh always got on my nerves. I was settling as much as Barney was, but I _did_ try to make it work. And I couldn't help wishing for months that he'd look at me just once the way he looked at you. So, no, it doesn't exactly surprise me."

Robin takes a breath. This could be a tricky situation, asking for Quinn's help when she's just told her she knew Barney was in love with her all along. "And you don't care?" she asks carefully.

"I've moved on," Quinn shrugs. "I'm glad you and Barney worked things out, I really am. And I've realized I deserve that kind of connection myself."

Robin nods, deciding that answer is good enough to proceed with asking her favor without risking a blowup. "Well, the reason I called you wasn't to tell you about our engagement. I need your help. Barney and I are getting married next month and – "

"Next _month_?" Quinn asks, obviously surprised. "I assumed you _just_ got engaged."

"No," Robin answers simply. But then it occurs to her where this is going. It didn't take them long to get together once Quinn was out of the picture; they were making out within weeks of calling off his engagement. "We've been engaged….for a while," she divulges, hoping Quinn will leave it at that.

"When did he ask you?"

Robin shifts in the booth but finally comes out with it. "The week before Christmas."

"You've been together all this time then, pretty much ever since I left?"

"Not the _entire_ time," Robin tries to make it sound better; she still needs Quinn's help after all. "There was the month of November in between – but, um, that was actually when Barney was doing "The Robin" so I guess that technically _was_ on the way to getting back together."

"So basically Barney made a move on you as soon as you dumped Nick?"

There's no sense in hiding it at this point. "He told me he loved me that night." It is what it is, and Quinn just admitted to settling for Barney herself anyway so it shouldn't matter to her all that much. Besides, Robin's actually rather touched and proud of how insistent Barney was that she break up with Nick and how quickly and desperately he made his move.

"Wow," Quinn replies, but she processes the information quickly and seemingly well. "Okay, so you're getting married next month….."

"Which means Barney's Bro Mitzvah is coming up soon and I – "

"_You're letting him have it_?" Quinn asks in disbelief.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"It _is_ Barney. I wouldn't exactly want him around a bunch of my ex-coworkers."

"I trust Barney," Robin insists. The unspoken message is that kind of trust was never present in Quinn's relationship with Barney, going either way; they both were constantly suspicious of the other. "He wouldn't cheat on me, not even at a bachelor party."

"I believe that. Barney never cheated in our relationship and he wasn't even in love with me." That truth sits heavily between them for a moment until Quinn re-breaks the ice. "Alright so Barney's having a bachelor party and _you're_ planning it." Quinn chuckles ironically. "He really got lucky with you, didn't he?"

Robin shakes her head. "He doesn't even know I'm involved. He's sure that Ted and Marshall are going to disappoint him, but when _I_ offered to help out he laughed and said the fiancée wasn't allowed. He has no idea I've orchestrated the entire thing," she grins proudly. "I believe you're familiar with Barney's Brorah and the list of things he has in mind for his bachelor party?" Quinn nods, frowning at the memory. "But what Barney _really_ wants is a legendary night he'll always remember. Booze and strippers he's had, awesome nights he's had – but it's all mostly just a blur. What's going to stay with him is if I give him the most legendarily _awful_ night of his life. _That_ he'll always remember."

Quinn looks confused. "But where do I come in?"

"As the 'entertainment'. What could be more awkward than his ex showing up as the stripper?" Robin's eyes alight with excitement. "Um, only if you add on a sob story about how you're broke and couldn't find a place to live and it's all his fault! A bunch of stuff like will really make him uncomfortable."

"Hold on. You want me to pretend my life's gone to crap and I'm back to stripping just to mess with my ex-fiancé?"

Robin cautiously looks across the booth at Quinn, wondering if this will be the moment the blowup finally comes. But then –

"I love it!" Quinn exclaims.

The two clink glasses and Robin smiles devilishly. "So here's what I have in mind…."

* * *

><p>Over the next three days Robin sets up a daytrip to Atlantic City with Marshall and Ted – during work hours while Barney's busy at GNB so they won't draw any suspicions – and gets the casino owners to agree to her Bro Mitzvah play. Then she arranges to have drinks with Loretta that Friday afternoon, again while Barney's still at work, to cement her role in all of this.<p>

When Robin gets to MacLaren's, Barney's mom is sitting at the bar, already sipping a drink. "Robin, dear, it's so good to see you again," Loretta cries when Robin joins her, sitting in the adjacent stool. "You don't know how happy I am that we can have drinks and girl-talk. I love my sons but sometimes I think it would've been nice to have a daughter too. But now I have you!"

Loretta is a nice woman. Not exactly mother of the year all things considered, but Robin doesn't have the best relationship with her mom either so it's a nice sentiment. "Thank you, Loretta. That's really sweet," Robin smiles. "But I do have something I want to ask you. The wedding is in just a few weeks so we're planning Barney's bachelor party now. But a bachelor party for a regular guy is pretty much how Barney's lived his life every night. I want to give him something more memorable than that. Here's what I have planned: Barney made a list back when he was engaged to Quinn of absolute requirements for his party. I want to give him everything on that list but in the worst way possible – and he won't know it's been a play all along until the very end. It'll be a night he'll never forget; I _know_ he's going to love it. And I was hoping you could be a part of it too. If we get Barney to – "

"Hold on," Loretta stops her. "You want me to help you trick my own son?"

Loretta's many praises for her little Luv Luv float through Robin's mind. What if Loretta is taking this completely the wrong way? Has she just blown it with her future mother-in-law?

But a second later Loretta tilts closer conspiratorially. "I _love_ it." Robin smiles with relief. "Barney deserves it. You know he told me you were a virgin?"

Robin has to laugh at that one considering the wide amount and variety of sex just the two of them have had together since Barney's known her – not to mention the fact that they once had sex in Barney's old childhood home _while_ Loretta was there and all but caught them. "_Ridiculous_," she laughs.

"I know. You're a dirty ho-bag just like me," Loretta agrees. "He loves you _so_ much. And so do I."

Loretta jumps off the stool to give her a hug and Robin hugs her back, mouthing the word 'ho-bag' over her shoulder. It's not the most flattering thing she's ever been called but she knows Loretta means it as a compliment. It's a mildly disturbing comparison given what she knows about this woman's sex life, but it's nice to be on her good side and to have a supporting motherly figure in her life even if she is a bit of a wildcard. "So you'll help?" she asks.

"Absolutely – so long as you promise to invite me to _your_ bachelorette party."

"Oh." Having her mother-in-law present for that doesn't sound like fun, but then Loretta isn't shaping up to be an ordinary mother-in-law. "Um, yeah. I hadn't really thought about having one, but I should, shouldn't I?"

"Of course you should. I'll even plan it for you. I may have been playing the doting grandma for years now but I haven't lost all my spark. I still know how to find the best male strippers in the city," she confides, quite pleased with herself.

Robin puts on a false smile. "_Okay._" Her fiancé's mother finding the stripper to give her a last lap dance may be one of the most bizarre things she's ever done.

Loretta's eyes glaze over in fond memory. "Boy, I could tell you some stories from the seventies, back when I was a groupie on tour….."

And the rest of the afternoon is as educational as it is disturbing.

* * *

><p>As the days pass and it grows closer to their wedding date, Barney and Robin find themselves spending more and more of their nights alone together to the exclusion of all others. By the time it's the first weekend in May, Robin hasn't been to MacLaren's since she met up with Barney's mom, and Barney hasn't been there for a week either. They've increasingly broken off from rest of the group, what with wedding planning to do and Marshall and Lily basically doing the same thing themselves being so often busy with Marvin.<p>

But it's more than just that. They want to spend _all_ their time together. Once you've finally found happiness there's no need to still be out there searching night after night; consequently you don't want to be 'out there' much at all. Home is where it's at, and that's where they spend most nights – talking, laughing, drinking, having sex, and generally enjoying each other's company.

Tonight the two of them are out to dinner at a nice new bistro. After drinks at the bar they've gone on to enjoy a fantastic meal, great conversation, and an overall wonderful time.

"And _that's_ why I always warn a bro to follow the Three Days Rule."

Robin laughs as Barney caps off his story of Arthur Hobbs's latest dating disaster. "Well, at least he has Tugboat back," she says as she finishes her glass of wine. "Do you want to go anywhere else tonight or just head back to the apartment?"

"I don't have anywhere in particular to go. The apartment sounds good to me. What about you?"

"Well, we _are_ fully stocked with wine, champagne, and scotch." She pauses, catching his eye. "And there's a lot of fun we could get up to at home…."

Barney grins, nudging his chair closer to hers. "I love the kind of fun we get up to."

Robin leans into him, playing with the knot of his tie. "Do you realize we haven't seen Marshall and Lily or Ted all week?"

He stops and thinks about it. "Hm, I guess we haven't. But our life together is so great there's no need to go out every night anymore….or even hang with the gang as much. At least half the time I only wanted to see you anyway and now I've got you right at home."

"Same here," she smiles. "Why sit at MacLaren's for hours when we can just drink and talk back at our apartment without ever fighting twenty-plus minutes of traffic?

"_Right_?"

She slides her hand further down his tie, her fingers skimming over his chest. "And why get dressed up to go hang out with the others when I could stay home and get naked with you?"

"We've already been dressed too long," Barney concurs, kissing her far more passionately than is appropriate for a restaurant of this quality.

When they pull back, Robin smiles and her eyes burn into his as she motions for the waiter, instructing, "Check please."

* * *

><p>The next day both Barney and Robin get texts from Ted asking them to come to MacLaren's. Robin calls Barney to tell him she has an errand to run after work anyway and she'll be home late but she encourages him to go have a least one drink with Ted since he seems lonely. So Barney texts Ted back that he'll meet him at the bar as soon as he's done at GNB.<p>

At ten to six Barney walks in and sees him waiting at the booth. "Hey, Ted," he says, sliding into the other side of the bench. He stares across the table at him for a beat and then, "Well, this has been fun. I should go." He promised Robin he'd meet Ted – which he just did – but he'd much rather be at home waiting to meet _her_.

"But you – you literally just got here," Ted protests.

After some squabbling over the definition of 'literally' Barney capitulates. "Okay, fine. _Now_ I'm leaving." He had no interest in being at the bar to begin with, truth be known, and staying here even two seconds is wasting time that he could be spending with Robin. "I mean why do people go to a bar anyway? To get your drink on and some girl's pants off. I can do both at home," he boastfully declares. And that's the dream in a nutshell, to have all you could ever want waiting for you at home. His life is perfect, really: the perfect woman, the perfect partner, the perfect sex life, the perfect everything. But Ted just keeps making a show of staring at something and completely ignoring him until eventually Barney asks, "What are you looking at? What? The girl in the big coat?"

"We were in the same yoga class together," Ted explains. "You know how sometimes you'll meet a girl and there'll be that one bewitching detail that'll make you just fall in love with her instantly? A little freckle on the nose. The lilt of her laugh. The way she pronounces a certain word or phrase."

"Sure," Barney placates, looking at him like he's crazy. "Totally," he adds with a fake smile. This is the whole problem with Ted. What he's describing is attraction, possibly infatuation, but that's not the same as being in love with someone. A freckle on the nose makes you fall in love with her instantly? Please. This notion of instantaneous superficially-based love is exactly why Ted is always getting his heart broken after he imagines he's "fallen for" for woman after woman right there on the spot. Often before he knows a thing about a woman, let alone if they're compatible as a couple, he's already designated that she's the One.

"Well, in this girl's case the bewitching little detail is the fact that she has just a _redonkulous_ body."

That's more like it, Barney thinks. Instant love, no. But instant lust based on a killer body happens all the time. Nevertheless, he remains extraordinarily skeptical of even this coming from Ted who's not exactly an expert on what makes for a 'redonkulous' body. For all he knows this woman just has a prettily placed freckle.

"Barney, this girl has the _Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol_ of bodies."

"_Whoa_." That's saying something indeed. Barney glances over in natural curiosity. He'd like to get at least one good look to scout out this woman on Ted's behalf the way he's done with so many of Ted's women in the past, and simply to judge for himself too on how "redonkulous" this woman's figure is. He's not just going to take Ted's word on it and accept it as fact. When has he ever done that?

"Just wait till she takes that coat off," Ted insists. "Oh wait, sorry," he baits Barney, "you – you were just about to leave. Right?"

After all that goading Barney can't resist getting a deciding look to settle the issue with Ted once and for, but this woman maddeningly refuses to shed her coat – which just makes him all the more determined to find a way to get it off of her. Because there isn't a challenge that exists that Barney Stinson can't win.

Lily, however, comes into the bar in the midst of all this, telling them how The Captain wants her to move to Rome for a year, but the main point is that she finds his bribing Carl to turn the heat up objectionable. In fact she views _all_ of his efforts to judge Ted's woman's body inappropriate. "You're _engaged_," Lily protests.

Barney sighs, smiling at the broken logic. "Okay, Lily, clearly you're forgetting something. Yes, I'm engaged – to the _coolest girl on earth_." Robin doesn't care if he notices another attractive woman now and then; that's just human nature. "This is about lookin', not touchin'." He goes on to make a joke about how there is one set of balls Robin can't tie up. The obvious conclusion is he's saying that she can't keep his testicles on a leash and control him, but the ultimate punch line comes in the reveal that his testicles Robin can and has tied up; it's his eyeballs he's implying she doesn't own. And, yeah, he's literally talking about an actual sex game they played – and it was a _fantastic_ one at that – but the deeper meaning is true too. His manhood _does_ fully belong to Robin. He's not even trying to claim otherwise. She owns every part of his body. He's committed only to her and he's never going to cheat. But this right now isn't even about looking at women. There's a bar full of women to gaze at if he wanted. This is just verifying Ted's contended facts.

When Lily seems to accept this and busies herself calling The Captain, Barney glances back over and notices the potentially redonkulous body about to take off her coat….but she puts on a scarf instead. "No, don't put on. Take off."

"Okay, you're starting to drool. I'm calling creepy," Lily declares, which Barney finds completely unfair and justifiably so.

All he wants to do is get her to take off that coat. He isn't looking at any of the other female patrons MacLaren's is always full of, proving he doesn't truly want to spend his time checking out hot chicks. He didn't even want to come here tonight. This is all about _curiosity_ and nothing more.

He _has_ to see. What if someone told Lily the most amazing painting in the world was right over there on the wall but then told her she's not allowed to look at it? Of course she'd want to see for herself. That doesn't mean she's going to steal it or take it home or even touch it. She would just want to look at this thing of beauty and be able to judge its merits for herself.

Not only that but it's the challenge of the thing too. He's _determined_ to get that coat off out of principle alone. But he's doing it all from afar, not even remotely breaking Robin's trust even when she's not here to know the difference. He's not approaching this hypothetically redonkulously-figured woman or trying to talk or flirt her out of the coat. He's not doing anything wrong here.

"Lily, this is fine. This is purely academic. It's – it's like bird watching. And right now I am watching a double breasted – Robin!" he stops short when she suddenly walks into the bar.

He'd honestly believed it when he said this was fine, but now that he sees Robin he feels like he's been caught doing something he's not supposed to be doing. It makes him feel uncomfortable and slightly guilty. Maybe Lily is right and Robin would be upset with him if she knew he was not just glancing over at the sight but actively trying to get this woman to disrobe – at least her coat anyway.

When Robin hugs the woman and it becomes clear they actually know each other, things go from bad to worse. Here is this woman – apparently this _friend_ of Robin's – with a supposedly incredible body that he only wanted a single look at to see for himself. But it's short-circuiting his brain that his fiancée is chatting with the very woman he's been trying to ogle…and now actually _bringing her over_ to the booth where he'll have to face them both together. Just perfect.

Uneasiness and desperation quickly get the better of him and Barney falls back on threesome jokes, trying to play it off to the others like it's no big deal when he's actually feeling quite the opposite.

Robin smiles at him, walking over to the booth. "Hey, guys," she quickly addresses Lily and Ted. "Barney, you remember Liddy."

"I do?" Barney questions but quickly recovers. "Yes. Libby."

And it's immediately apparent to Robin that something is up. He's acting too weird.

"Li_ddy_," the wedding planner corrects him. "We met when Robin hired me."

"Robin hired you?" Barney's nervous anxiety continues to make him awkwardly quip about threesomes when he obviously doesn't actually believe she would realistically hire a woman to have a three-way with them. It's just a clumsy cover for his discomfort at the situation.

But Barney's odd behavior continues to draw Robin's notice. There's something weird going on here with Liddy. Is he attracted to her? Is that the problem? But he didn't seem to notice her at all when they met for a full half an hour before – and he doesn't even _remember_ her now. "Ah, she's our wedding planner," Robin reminds him.

That information calms Barney down a little. If anything it will prove he has no interest beyond curiosity in this woman who has actually been in his home and yet made such a little impression on him in the face of his love for Robin that he completely forgot her.

With that sorted out, Robin sits down next to Barney and they start talking wedding planning, but the matter of payment comes first. Barney pulls out his checkbook and starts writing Liddy a check once he gets the spelling of her name correct. "Double D's. Why?" he mutters to himself anxiously. And when she hands him the final menu for the reception, offering to "take anything off" for him, he's still so unnerved he ends up looking at it sideways and not even noticing the mistake.

The second Liddy heads off to the bathroom, Robin has had enough of this strange behavior from both Barney and Ted, and she turns to Barney asking him what's up.

Almost relieved, Barney breaks and tells her instantly. She's his co-conspirator, his best friend. She's in on every challenge with him now and this is a big one – possibly literally. "Ted says that Liddy has a redonkulous body but there's no way of verifying because she _won't take off the coat_!" he spills frantically. This challenge has got a hold of him and he will not lose.

Robin looks from Ted back to Barney. It's all starting to make sense now. Barney is trying to get Liddy's coat off to see for himself if Ted is right about her body. "Is _that_ why it's so hot in here? Did you pay Carl to turn up the heat again?" The principal word being 'again' because Robin knows her future husband well – including every last somewhat creepy scheme he's ever pulled.

The first time he bribed Carl to turn the temperature up was back in December 2006 when Robin was dating Ted. Barney made a comment about how he could get any woman naked at any time and place if he so desired, and Robin couldn't resist teasing him. She didn't properly understand _why_ at the time but she always loved teasing Barney and could never pass up the opportunity. So she bantered back to him that there was no way he could so much as get that big-busted woman up at the bar to take off her overcoat right here and now, falling under the blanket of 'any time and place'. And of course Barney could never pass up a challenge. When verbal seduction didn't work, he bribed Carl to crank the heat up so high every woman took her coat off the moment they walked in – and Barney was a winner in more ways than one that night.

The last time Barney paid Carl to tamper with the thermometer was in the early summer of 2011. He kept wanting Robin to sundress up like she had the year before when she walked in wearing the white sundress just to prove to him she's still got it. And she couldn't resist teasing him again. Despite all of his flirtatious begging and well-thought-out arguments on why she should just run upstairs and change, she taunted him back that she wasn't one of his sundress bimbos that would give him a look for free and more besides after a little of his charm. Not relenting, by midnight Barney had the heat in the bar on full blast and it was so hot it was nearly unbearable. He ended up winning that challenge too. She excused herself and came back twenty minutes later in a skimpy yellow sundress she was well aware she looked _amazing_ in. Of course the joke was on Barney because Robin knew full-well what he was up to the entire time. She let him win alright when she could have just stayed in the air conditioning of the upstairs apartment, but _only_ because she loved the way he looked at her when she walked back into the bar with so much bare skin showing.

Barney remembers all those times too and he knows Robin is thinking the same thing. Considering his previous uses for turning up the heat, he assumes she'll surely think his conduct now was sexual and inappropriate. She's going to be upset with him no doubt. He could just lie to her about it, but he's not going to; that's not how they work this time around. She asked him never to lie to her and that's exactly what he's going to do. "Well, yes."

Robin looks away and rolls her eyes like she might have known – which of course she did. Barney would do anything to win a challenge and that's exactly what he's doing right now.

"But I was _curious_," Barney defends himself. "I want to get that coat on the rack so I can see the rack that's under the coat." He's being fully honest with her, that's how comfortable he is with Robin and how sure he is that she accepts him for every part of who he is, including the part that wants to see if Liddy's body is really as redonkulous as Ted says it is.

Robin can't very well argue with curiosity as a motive because she knows exactly what he means. It's been driving _her_ crazy too. What kind of woman never takes her coat off? Ted must be right. "_Oh my god_."

Barney had been expecting a shake of her head and then a little smile. This is not the reaction he had hoped for. He covers his eyes with his hand and hangs his head in shame, ready to be yelled at. Maybe he _was_ overestimating her coolness a bit on this one. Listen to what he just said about seeing Liddy's rack. What are the odds a woman – even one as singular as Robin – is going to be _completely_ okay with that? He overstepped himself this time it seems.

As Barney braces himself, Robin looks off to the bathroom where Liddy still is, wondering how much time they have before she comes back. Leaning in, she quickly admits, "_I_ have been wondering the same thing."

Barney looks up in surprise.

"I mean she never takes that coat off," Robin continues. "Whatever she's smuggling under there _has_ to be thermonuclear. Bet she has WBD. Weapons of bra destruction," she clarifies as if it should be obvious.

Barney looks to Ted, utterly delighted. Not only is Robin not upset but she's already been in on his challenge without even realizing it. "_Thank you_," he says to Robin, highlighting her with his hands. "_This_. _This_ is why you're the coolest fiancée ever."

Robin grins happily. What he's saying is sweet and she understands it perfectly. It's not that he's glad she'll allow him to check out other women without consequence. He's thrilled that she _appreciates_ this challenge of his and his motive behind it, and that she's secure enough not to mind – which is true….most of the time.

Barney grins at her in wonder. Sometimes he cannot believe how amazing Robin is and how lucky he is to have found her in this city of millions and somehow won her heart. He bends to her and they both hum their contentment as he kisses her mouth, then across to her check.

Robin giggles softly as he continues down her neck, his lips soft and warm and moist against her skin, reminding her of why they've mostly been keeping to each other's company these past weeks. Still smiling, she turns to look across the booth. "So, Ted…"

Barney just keeps kissing her neck, but at her words he finally remembers they're in public and he'll have to stop. Still, he pauses to breathe her in one last time, smiling dotingly at her, lost in her spell for a moment before turning his attention to Ted but staying as closely pressed against her as possible.

Robin moves her hand over onto Barney's leg, leaning into him. "….when you say redonkulous…."

Ted assures them that Liddy's body is so redonkulous it's face-melting, like in _Indiana Jones_, but they can't get that coat off to see for themselves. "It's too bad Marshall isn't here," Barney bemoans.

"Why Marshall?" Robin has to ask. He can't honestly believe that Marshall would be better at brainstorming a crazy scheme like how to get a girl's coat off?

But it has nothing to do with scheming. Barney wishes Marshall were here so he could ask Liddy to take off her coat pointblank because _Marshall_ could get away with it since he wouldn't have any of the pheromonal scent a guy gives off when he wants to have sex with that woman. If Ted tried to ask Liddy, Barney argues, she'd beat the crap out of him because Ted is "dipped in stink". "Marshall on the other hand," he contends, "girls take one look at and just know there's a guy who's met the girl of his dreams and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and only her."

Robin thinks about this contemplatively. Why does Barney need Marshall then? They are about to be married in less than a month. _He_ should be able to give off that vibe himself. But for whatever reason he must be afraid that he doesn't. "So why don't _you_ ask her?" she challenges him.

"Pardon me?" Barney asks in mounting panic. He can't actually _ask_ Liddy. That would be the ultimate test…..and what if he fails? Given his sordid past, he's long had feelings of insecurity about his ability to make a good husband. He admitted as much to his father two years ago and Jerome was able to convince him through example that isn't the case. But some of that same self-doubt has crept up again, the old fear resurfacing and increasing as the wedding day approaches.

Robin too has her moments. She knows Barney loves her. She knows he's not going to cheat on her. But occasionally as the wedding draws closer she has flashes where some of his comments make her wonder if he'll one day eventually miss the outside action. Not now. But maybe down the road. She dismisses those fears as quickly as they come, but this is the perfect little test to give them both some reassurance. And for Barney as much as her – more, really, since he seems to be the one truly in doubt of Liddy's reaction. "Aren't _you_ a guy who's met the girl of his dreams and wants to spend the rest of his life with her and only her?" Robin contends.

"Of course, baby," he answers nervously.

That answer gives him away completely. Barney's obviously petrified Liddy won't see him that way. But Robin can take his squirming in stride. She can even get a little fun out of it. That's how certain she is that Barney _will_ pass. Since Ted talked up Liddy's face-meltingly redonkulous boobs, Barney's all jumpy around her _now_, but up until this point he hadn't given her a second look, has practically ignored her actually. Liddy will see him only as a devoted groom-to-be, Robin's sure of it. "So why don't you ask her to take her coat off?" She smiles, watching the poor guy sweat.

But what if he doesn't pass the pheromonal test? That's the only thing Barney can think of. He was trying to see Liddy's body earlier, just to judge it by his own standards, yes, but what if she senses that? And maybe he _would_ feel a sexual desire toward that kind of redonkulous body – okay, yeah, he probably would. But that's only human, right? He'd never do anything about it. "Um…" he stalls, holding up finger. What if Liddy yells at him, just like she would Ted, and Robin takes it as a sign? It wouldn't be true. He _has_ met the girl of his dreams and he _does_ want to spend his life with her and only her. But Marshall is completely asexual most of the time. Barney can't help it if he still appreciates a hot woman. That's looking and not touching, like he said, but Robin won't see it that way if Liddy freaks out…..And sometimes he thinks maybe he _should_ be more like Marshall, completely blind and asexual. Maybe it means he's not cut out to be a good husband if he still notices other women. Maybe that means he's going to fail Robin and not be the kind of man she needs.

Liddy comes back a few seconds later and sits down beside Ted. "So…big day's coming up. How are you guys feeling?"

Barney blows out a nervous breath because suddenly he's feeling terrified, but Robin gives him a meaningful look, nudging him to ask. He tries to argue but she raises her eyebrows insistently. There's no way out. He scrunches up his eyes, takes a deep breath, psyches himself up and then plunges in. No turning back now. "Hey, Liddy….do you want to take off your coat?"

Liddy stares back for a moment and every doubt Barney's ever had about himself as marriage material explodes out of him and lingers in the air along with his question.

And then: "Sure."

Ted whimpers painfully but Barney grins, ecstatic. It's obvious to outsiders too then, including their wedding planner, how much he loves and is committed to Robin. _I did it_, he thinks, so relieved that he passed and that he _can_ make Robin a good husband. He sighs, his mind set completely at rest. _I proved to myself and everyone else that I have no desire to be with any other woman._ Looking _is_ just looking. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. Robin is the _only_ woman he wants to be with, which of course he already knew but now he doesn't even have to worry about feeling physically attracted to another woman because even if he is he's still not giving off that pheromonal energy, meaning he doesn't _want_ to actually have sex with anyone else. And if he does notice an attractive woman, even in the midst of that _everyone_ can still see how in love with and devoted he is to his fiancée and soon-to-be wife.

After Barney passes the test of officially being a resident of forever-noticeably-committed-land, Robin turns and smiles adoringly at him, pleased in the result she'd known was coming all along. Even if Liddy had sensed some kind of desire for sex coming from him, Robin still wouldn't have called the whole thing off just like that. Wanting is not the same thing as doing. Not many guys, even married ones, can look at a woman with a perfect body and not feel desire to have sex with her at least on some level. But even so, she's glad that Barney came out on par with Marshall, a faithful and devoted husband. She _knew_ he had it in him. Liddy's response has now entirely assuaged any little fears that might have begun to creep up.

And when Liddy finally reveals the figure beneath that coat, Barney _and_ Robin are blown away. She grips his arm tightly as they bear the brunt of all that face-melting wonder_ together_.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later they head upstairs to tell Lily all about it. On the way up the three of them can't stop marveling at the sight. "That was insane," is Barney's verdict.<p>

"Face-melting, right?" Ted concurs, coming up the steps behind them.

"It's no wonder she keeps those babies covered," Robin agrees.

Barney slings his arm around her waist, drawing her against his side. "And we saw it because of you."

She smiles but points out, "_You're_ the one who asked her to take her coat off."

"Yes, but you made me do it." There's no way he would have had the guts to on his own for fear of the result, but what it's ended up showing is that he _has_ completely shed any trace of his former Womanizer Barney persona. "And look what it proved: women _do_ see me as a completely committed and devoted, harmless married guy – or almost married. I'm a Marshall now!" he exclaims excitedly.

Another five minutes later they're all in Lily and Marshall's living room, recounting the tale for her since she missed it. Sitting on the couch next to Barney, who is lazily grinning and stroking her leg, Robin sips from her yellow mug of coffee and confirms to Lily just how redonkulous Liddy's body indeed was.

"And we got to see it all thanks to this lovely lady right here," Barney praises Robin, making her smile. "Robin, thanks to you I can now walk up to any girl and say whatever creepy, disgusting thing I want and _totally_ get away with it." It's not that he wants to be able to hit on women while being a husband too. He just loves the _idea_ that he can get away with it and all that says about him, where he's at in his life and how he's perceived now. He could say disgusting things to women now and they'd recognize that it's innocent and not an invitation to sex because they can see he's a loyal, taken guy and he doesn't mean anything by it. That's what has him so excited – this proof that he's fully, perceptibly crossed over to the other side from single to committed, even before their vows have been spoken.

But his words don't necessarily come off that way, causing Robin to utter, "Hmm." That revelation, that now he can get away with saying disgusting things to other women, was certainly not her intention, and on the surface it seems like somewhat discomforting knowledge. But she lets it go anyhow – even after he happily laughs, "I think I'm gonna _like_ being married" – because she may not be crazy about everything Barney says and does but at the end of the day she either trusts him or she doesn't, and she _does_ trust him. She also recognizes that she can't fall for everything wild in him and then expect to tame that. Then at what point does he no longer become the man she fell in love with? That's the thing about loving something wild. If you try to cage it and break it and make it docile then it's no longer that same thing you loved.

But even more than just that, she understands what he actually means and feels beneath the perhaps less-than-appealing words. It isn't that he wants to go around being disgusting and sexual to whatever attractive women he meets. If that were the case he'd first have to be at a place where he'd come into contact with attractive women, and he doesn't even want to go to the bar much anymore. He only came out today because Ted begged him. That's not a guy who's looking to check out women and say creepy things to them. But he's proved that he _could_ get away with it, which means as he so aptly put it that he's a Marshall now. What's more, Barney _wants_ to be a Marshall. There was a time for many years when he would have been disgusted and horrified to be identified and grouped as such, but now Barney is overjoyed at the classification. And, really, that tells Robin all she needs to know.

Beside her, Barney happily checks his phone messages, certain that nothing can ruin this high he's feeling. When things start to get real and Lily eventually confesses why she's been hesitant to move to Rome and all of her concerns about screwing it up, ruining her life, losing her happiness, and just plain failing from not being good enough, it's something that Barney can certainly relate to. That had been his fear too, deep down and swiftly rising to the surface as the wedding date got closer. Until now. Because he got his definitive answer when Liddy's reaction – or, rather, non-reaction – proved his worries unfounded.

Lily hasn't had her moment yet, though, and her doubts are still plenty. When she asks them all to "leave it alone" and then abruptly walks out of the apartment, Robin stands up too. "Well, as interesting as all this has been, I think I'm gonna head home."

"Me too," Barney seconds, standing up beside her.

"Wait," Ted stops Barney. "You _have_ to come down to the bar and have a drink with me before going back into hibernation with Robin."

A half smile dances across Barney's lips. He's not above acknowledging that maybe he _has_ been a little unfair, neglecting their friendship. Sure, he'd like to be with Robin constantly and he does have everything he needs at home, but that leaves Ted out in the cold – drinking beers alone, becoming obsessed with _Woodworthy Manor_ like an elderly shut-in, forced to go to _Robots Versus Wrestlers: Legends_ all by himself. "I guess I have time for a drink," he consents. A little bro time down at MacLaren's with Ted might be fun for them both.

"I have some work to catch up on anyway. You two have fun," Robin says, kissing Barney goodbye before heading out.

And knowing that he has her there to come home to afterwards makes the bros night infinitely better than any he's ever had before. It makes him unspeakably happy to be a Marshall now.

* * *

><p>Downstairs at the bar, once they've got their drinks and are back in their time-honored booth, Barney gives Ted exactly what he wanted: he bros him out as bros do with a little taste of old-school Barney. That's what he asked for after all, what Ted goaded him into to begin with.<p>

He starts talking up Ted's mysterious yoga girl in the big coat with the redonkulous body, who coincidentally turned out to be his and Robin's wedding planner who he already met and never even noticed – you know, because he's found the girl of his dreams and only wants to be with her.

Yet, for Ted's benefit, Barney goes on joking, "I can't wait for my wedding day." Someone more observant and on guard would notice his friend grimace and turn stoic across the table at the mention of his impending nuptials to Robin. But he doesn't notice. He isn't on guard. He's only thinking of the two of them as bros at the moment and solely focused on being that good bro to Ted. Considering how very much Ted still wants his fiancée – a problem that even Step 13 of "The Robin" couldn't cure – is the furthest thing from Barney's mind.

"I mean there is no way that Liddy is gonna be wearing that coat," he hits the punch line with gusto. "_Right_?" he says for Ted's approval, expecting laughter and high-fives and all the other bro-like things Ted wants from him, in this case telling dirty jokes about said female that's caught Ted's eye. "Barney Stinson, do you hope she wears something slinky and backless? I do," he smiles the grand finish.

But rather than laughter he gets, "Okay, can I just say something as your best man?"

And Barney still doesn't get it. It's not the reaction he anticipated but he looks to Ted, awaiting perhaps a joke coming back from _him_ this time.

What Ted says instead is a slap in the face. "Be careful," he warns with all the condescending wisdom he usually reserves for his architecture lessons.

"What do you mean?" Barney asks, not grasping it even yet, still absorbed in the idea that this is a broing out zone not let's-fight-over-Robin time, though that _is_ a long while coming.

"You just – you haven't been acting like a guy who's about to get married," Ted answers.

That little biting comment immediately ruffles Barney's feathers. How dare Ted censure him and his behavior with Robin? It's none of his business to begin with, but the point that really has him riled is that he didn't even want to be here tonight. All he wanted to do was go home to spend the evening with his fiancée, and he's tried to leave multiple times now. How is that _not_ acting like a guy who's about to get married? He's only here right now when he could be spending time with Robin because this is what _Ted_ wanted. He's only here being the bro that _Ted_ requested. Ted wanted him to stay, complaining that he was leaving too soon; he wanted him to look at the girl with the redonkulous body and hang out and drink and make comments with him. So Barney sacrificed what he really wanted to be a good friend and this is the hypocritical thanks he gets.

And why is it that no one says a word to him when he makes jokes about other people, like when he'd earlier instructed Lily on how to make a sex tape with The Captain? It was just a joke and no one took it seriously. No one thought he was actually advising her to cheat on Marshall. So why is it any different when he makes similar harmless jokes about himself or about the woman whose body _Ted_ encouraged him to look at?

But before he can get far in pondering that, Ted really twists the knife. "And I know you think it's okay because Robin's so cool but I'm telling you, she's not as cool as you think she is," he directs Barney as if he's some kind of expert on all things Robin.

And that just does it. Because what Ted is _really_ saying is that he knows Robin better than Barney does. He's still staking that claim over her, like she's his property, something he's allowed Barney to borrow but that will always belong to him and he'll always know best and be best for.

It's truly unbelievable at this point in their lives. It's been six years since Robin broke up with Ted; five years since Barney and Robin first slept together and then fell in love; four years since Ted gave Barney his blessing and he and Robin dated the first time around and formed a bond that could never be broken; a year and a half since they cheated together, broke each other's heart time and again but still came back together, had a pregnancy scare together and found that it wasn't all that scary; almost five months since Barney proposed marriage and Robin accepted and they've spent the time since planning the rest of their lives together. The point is that whatever was once between Ted and Robin is so far buried in the past it died long ago. The present and the future has been nothing but Robin and _Barney_ for years upon years now. Robin is _his_ fiancée, and any magical notion of Ted's where he thinks he knows Robin best _never existed_ – just like in his stupid, erroneous "Robin 101" class.

"_Oh_. I see." Barney moves from his causal pose with one arm slung across the back of the booth to both arms at his side, guarded and angry – foe, no longer friend, facing him across the table. Because this is _so_ not about Ted looking out for his friends; it's clearly all about jealousy. "And you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do. You know what she appreciates better than her own fiancé." His words are coated with an edge of venom that lets Ted know he really doesn't want to go there – but if he does Barney is prepared.

"I'm just saying, if _I_ was getting married in three weeks – "

And provoked to the point of no return, Barney comes out with it, the silent truth that none of them has dared say but _desperately_ needs to be spoken. "But you're _not_ getting married in three weeks, Ted. _I_ am. Robin's marrying _me_, not you."

Faced with that incontrovertible truth, Ted backs down warily. But Barney's not stupid or blind. It isn't lost on him that Ted has always had a sense of superiority where he's concerned and sometimes even a callousness towards him, as if he and his feelings are somehow something less. Barney isn't a fool. He knows that Ted still thinks of Robin as his, that he's still convinced he was the better man for her, and will probably always feel like Barney will never be good enough to even touch her, let alone marry her.

If he wanted to truly get real, Barney could point out to Ted that for all his talk about how he would be acting so differently if he was about to marry Robin, why was it then that back when they _were_ seriously dating he was out there aggressively flirting with the red cowboy boot salesgirl? All Barney did was make a few jokes; he looks like a saint in comparison since he has _never_ acted even remotely inappropriately with another woman, nor would he. But what Barney understands that Ted refuses to open his eyes and see is that for all Ted wants to believe he knows Robin better than anyone else and for all that he wants to view their former relationship through rose-colored glasses, _Ted_ was the man who never appreciated, accepted, loved, or wanted Robin for the woman she really is and _that_ is why he was out flirting with other women, because _he_ wasn't satisfied in the relationship either, something that has never been the cause between Barney and Robin.

And furthermore, if Ted honestly finds his behavior so inappropriate then why was he the one encouraging him to stay and look at Liddy in the first place? It raises the question, is this just plain hypocrisy at work, or is Ted actually trying to jealously sabotage his wedding to Robin?

As Ted awkwardly gets up to buy another round, Barney remains wide-eyed, tapping his fingers against his glass in agitated anger and shaking his head at Ted's incredible gall to _still_ be going there six years later. There is no doubt what's really at the heart of this little 'warning': Ted still wants Robin for himself and he wishes _he_ were the groom at this wedding. Barney has known it all along, before he proposed even. He tried to use "The Robin" to deal with it but it clearly didn't work. Ever since, he's tried to ignore it when Ted does ridiculously inappropriate things like insert himself into their wedding planning and refer to it as 'our' wedding when speaking with Robin. He's tried to overlook it and put it behind them. He's even tried to get Ted another girlfriend to focus on instead. But every attempt to get past it seems impossible when Ted simply refuses to let Robin go.

Barney finishes his scotch in one gulp. His friendship with Ted is obviously strained, and it will continue to be as long as Ted stubbornly holds on to the dream of Robin. It's going to persistently wear on _Barney's_ friendship with Ted, and _Robin's_ friendship with Ted, and the entire group dynamic – particularly if Marshall and Lily do move to Rome for the first year of his and Robin's marriage. Who knows if the three of them will be able to sustain the awkward and tenuous friendship at all without the buffer of Lily and Marshall in between them?

Barney stays for half of the next drink with Ted, but it's tense and uncomfortable and he can't wait to get home to Robin.

* * *

><p>Sitting at the kitchen counter surrounded by papers Liddy gave her, Robin is engrossed in making a last-minute choice on corresponding flowers for the groomsmen and the reception tables. With the wedding colors being cream and lilac, she thinks lilies would be a good choice for the groomsmen to wear but she'll have to see what Barney thinks. And maybe when he gets home they can even do a little more rehearsing on their first dance as husband and wife. She loves dancing with Barney, always has. They can practice right here in the living room….and then let the rhythm lead them into other things.<p>

Barney comes through the door less than five minutes later and Robin looks up, smiling. "Hey, I thought we could – " But she cuts off when she sees his expression. One look tells her he's upset about something.

In her stunned silence, Barney glances down at the papers on the counter. "What's all this?"

"Wedding decisions."

"Isn't Liddy supposed to take care of that?"

"She takes care of all the details but there are still decisions I have to make – and you too. It's both our wedding. I want you to come help," Robin says, sliding down from the stool. "Once you tell me what's wrong, that is," she adds knowingly.

Barney really doesn't want to talk about it. How can he? He can he tell Robin that he and Ted finally butted heads over _her_? It's the elephant in the room that _none_ of them – not even Marshall or Lily – talk about, and Robin seems content to bury herself in denial where Ted is concerned. He understands that approach. It's how he used to live for most of his life, but it doesn't make approaching this subject with her very easy. Hence he tries buying time as he casually sits down on the couch. "What do you mean?" he asks nonchalantly.

Robin laughs. "That doesn't work on me. I know you too well." That draws a small smile out of him but still no response, so she tries charming it out of him. "Come on. Out with it. I'll wear you down eventually anyway," she teases, coming to sit beside him. "We both know I'm good at that. I have my ways." She gives him a wink.

His arm falls down around her shoulders. "Well in that case I think I'm gonna make you use them. Wear away. Full disclose: I find myself feeling particularly forthcoming when you're sitting in my lap."

"You wish," she smirks. "But there'll be none of that until you tell me what's wrong." When he's still hesitant she drops the playfulness and goes with absolute sincerity instead. "Barney, come on," she gently coaxes. "What happened?"

"Okay," he sighs. "I may have gotten into a disagreement with Ted." And for all the years he spent hiding what he was thinking and feeling from the outside world lest it show a sign of weakness, it does feel fantastic to be able to confide in her, to know he can tell her anything.

"Is that all?" Robin brightens. "I thought it was something serious. So what is it this time? He doesn't care for this summer's suits? He refuses to go to laser tag with you? That's alright. I'm your permanent partner now, remember?"

"No, I mean it, Robin," he sets her straight. "We really got into it." At that, her expression sobers and she examines him for bruises. As hot as she finds them, she doesn't actually want Barney fighting and getting hurt – and she particularly doesn't want Barney _and_ Ted fighting. But to her relief he follows it up with, "There were some words exchanged."

"As long as it was just words," she tells him, her concern lessened some. "But what was it about? It must have been something awfully serious. I don't know if I've ever seen you get truly mad at Ted. You forgive him just about anything. You're actually one of the most forgiving people I've ever known."

"Yeah, I am pretty great." He throws her a self-satisfied grin, making her laugh and shake her head at him – and skillfully evading the question. "….I just hope it doesn't make things too awkward now," he candidly confides. "Ted's our best man."

"It'll be alright, Barney. Look at all that GNB mess. He almost got you fired and you two still patched things up in less than a minute. I'm sure it'll all blow over by tomorrow." When Barney looks doubtful, she reasons reassuringly, "Ted needs you. You're his best friend."

"Marshall is Ted's best friend," he tells her flatly – and that's how she knows something real must have gone down between them. "But that's okay," he adds a second later. "Because you're mine."

Robin smiles softly and sets her hand on his thigh, lightly stroking. "I get to be your best friend _and_ your wife?"

"My best friend, my wife, and my partner – sometimes partner _in crime_."

"Those are the best times," she laughs. And because he still looks a little down: "We could always go back to the museum and touch a bunch of stuff. See if that same guard is still working there…."

"I'm going to take you up on that some other night."

"Okay." She leans in to kiss his cheek. "You're all of that for me too, you know. My best friend, my partner, my very soon-to-be-husband."

"God, I like the sound of that," he muses and Robin giggles contentedly. "Say it again."

"My _husband_." As she enunciates the word for him it hits her too. Her eyes widen and she grins at him. Sometimes it all still seems a little hard to believe, this blissful whirlwind of the past four and a half months. "We're a team, you and I – and perfect playmates. That's why we can go a week and more without seeing any of the gang."

"Because we're everything to each other," he finishes.

"I'm really happy to be marrying you, Barney."

"Happy doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about marrying you."

She runs her hands through the back of his hair and pulls him down for a lingering kiss. Drawing back after several long moments, she proposes, "How about we have dinner, a glass of wine, maybe work some more on our wedding dance….and then, later tonight, a little _sexual healing to relieve your mind_?" she sings to him.

"I _love_ you, Robin."

* * *

><p>The next day, Robin calls Ted to make sure he got the hotel reservation for Barney's Bro Mitzvah. While on the phone she broaches the subject of the fight with Barney, but Ted swears everything is fine and he just got upset after Barney didn't want to hang out because he said he has everything he needs at home.<p>

Hearing that makes Robin want to give Barney a special treat tonight. He has everything he needs at home so she's about to give him _everything_ at home. Drinks? Check. They'll be poured and waiting for him. Hot sex? Double check. Triple, if the mood catches them – and when doesn't the mood catch them? They're starting out early enough tonight to definitely work in three times.

Oh, and he likes the challenge of getting a girl's puffy coat off? Well then he's going to love getting _her_ coat off; she'll be wearing nothing underneath…

Forty-five minutes later, Barney comes home from work. It's been a long, busy day at GNB – crisis on the Korean peninsula _and_ trouble with the Russians – plus in the back of his mind he's still thinking about the fight with Ted.

Closing the door behind him, he puts his keys on the banister and begins emptying the pockets of his suit coat when he hears just the slightest rustle of the leather on the coach. Turning, the sight that meets his eyes is as phenomenal as it is unexpected.

Robin is waiting for him with a hand in her hair and her legs up on the back of the coach, long and bare and face-meltingly tempting. She has a glass of wine for them each, holding hers in her left hand, the ring that says she's his future wife shining like a beacon on her finger. And her expression is hotly alluring, leaving no room for mistaking her intentions. "Welcome home," she says coyly, wiggling her foot and drawing his eye down the length of her legs again.

It's something straight out of a fantasy – and her in that puffy coat. Unlike with Liddy, Barney hasn't the need for any evidence; he already knows exactly what's beneath. But he wants to see it again anyway. He wants to see it and touch it and kiss it for the rest of his life. Because she's the girl of his dreams and the only woman he wants to be with.

Surprised, impressed, and turned on as hell, he watches Robin and knows she's completely naked underneath. He puts his hand into his pocket, the other one reaching for the banister, as everything in him awakens and heats up, the blood running steady and warm to pool in his groin. But she planned this so he stands there waiting for _her_ move – and he cannot wait, is absolutely _loving_ this.

She slings her legs back down onto the ground, setting her wine glass on the coffee table with his. Here she is, waiting for him, nearly naked. It's like something pulled from a penthouse forum, meeting him at the door to welcome him home with soft words, open affection, hot sex, and wine for afterwards. Who does that? Is she even real? "_Ohhh_, you are so cool," he breaths, actually gripping the banister now to steady himself.

Robin smiles at his words as she stands up and straightens her puffy coat, her anticipation heightening her enjoyment of the fabric sliding against her bare skin; it's a precursor of what's to come. She presents herself to Barney, half shrugging her shoulders at his compliment as if to say it all just comes naturally, effortlessly, without even trying. She puts her hands to her hips, all vixen and seductress, and levels him with a look that positively scorches him, a smile that is pure sex and tells him of all the pleasures to come.

But first there's the game of it. She wants him to get her out of that coat? Challenge _definitely_ accepted. He has a few tricks up his sleeve and he's going to start with the most tried and true. She may be 'cool' now…"But not for long," Barney finishes, his voice low and erotically promising as he reaches over to turn up the thermostat. Never taking his eyes off Robin, he raises his eyebrows seductively – a little sign for _her_ of what's to come.

The look from him is a direct hit, spiking her blood and speeding up her heart. That's the fun of these foreplay games. They're so in tune with each other by now, they know exactly what buttons to push. But right now, this time, she's ready to get straight to the main event. Holding his gaze captive, Robin's fingers reach for the coat zipper, slowly pulling it down, but her other hand grasps the side to keep it closed and control the reveal.

When she's got the coat completely unzipped, Barney walks over to stand in front of her, mere inches away. She's still holding the two sides closed but when he puts his hands over hers she lets go of the fabric, allowing him to slowly peel it open. He reels back under the potency of what he sees beneath the open coat and Robin laughs softly.

"Don't be blown too far away," she tells him. "For what I have in mind, I need you close."

His expression turns from playfully heated to outright hungry as his eyes drink in every last inch of her. "_Redonkulous_," he breathes a second before he kisses her passionately, before his hands slide underneath the coat to touch her. As their kissing progresses and intensives, he tries to slide her coat off completely but she pulls back, wanting to even it up a little.

"Aren't _you_ getting hot, Barney?" She can't say it without a smirk because he so obviously is in every sense of the word. She can feel him hard against her and his breath is coming short and rapid. "I want to see what you're packing beneath that suit," she requests, and this time he's the one to grin.

He starts loosening his tie, whipping it off in a hurry, and she stands back to watch, prepared to enjoy the view. But when he gets halfway down his shirt she wants in on the action again and steps back closer. Brushing his fingers aside, she takes over unbuttoning it the rest of the way, sliding it down his shoulders and onto the floor. By the time she gets him down to his underwear, she pushes him down on the couch and now finally tosses her coat completely off as she climbs onto his lap, straddling him.

"I can't believe you're this cool," Barney pants between kisses.

"Believe it," Robin answers, all sassy confidence and bold sexiness as she bites his lower lip, sucking it gently while the motion of her hips drives him crazy.

"Do you know how much I love you?" he gasps.

She laughs soft and low at that. "Yeah, I think I have a pretty good indicator," she murmurs, rubbing against Lil' Barney who is standing ready at attention, positively screaming his love for her.

"Minx." In a flash he has her laid flat on her back, hovering over her. "Aren't you gonna tell me you love me too?"

"I was waiting naked on the couch for you. Isn't that a good indication?" He grins, his expression soft and open with that smile that's only for her, and she wraps her arms around his neck. "Mmm, but I love you, Barney. An impossible amount."

He pushes up off the couch and onto his feet, shedding his boxer briefs. "Redonkulous," Robin approves, eyeing him greedily. He smirks and she asks, "What happens when redonkulous meets redonkulous?"

"Redonkulous orgasm, of course," Barney replies.

"Then what are you waiting for you? Get back over here."

He does just that, laying down against her body and kissing her again the moment he gets close enough. And she sighs when he pushes inside her because redonkulous doesn't even begin to describe their lovemaking.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: There are a couple of callbacks in this chapter to outside Barney/Robin stories of mine. For more on Barney and Robin planning their first dance, see "Showing Them How It's Done", and for more about the time when Robin and Barney had sex in his old childhood home while Loretta was there and almost caught them, see Chapter 7 of "Taking That Leap".

And since I've gotten some questions about it, yes, I will be continuing this story into Season 9 and through to the end of the series.


	46. 822

**The Bro Mitzvah**

* * *

><p>When the idea for Barney's bachelor party first came to her, Robin considered the mere concept a stroke of genius. Give him the most legendarily awful night so that it will actually <em>be<em> memorable in a way that a traditional bachelor party never would be for a guy like Barney who used to live _every_ night that way back in his single days. It was a solid plain; however, as the seconds ticked by it quickly grew from simply 'give Barney a memorably terrible night' into a legitimate, full-scale play she'll run on him in order to tick off his every Bro Mitzvah requirement – giving him exactly what he asked for but in the most horrific way possible.

It certainly will be unforgettable, the Bro Mitzvah of Barney's dreams, and she's delighted to do it for him. What's more, the very thought of starting out their marriage this way makes Robin's insanely happy. Mischief and crazy hijinks have always been an integral part of their relationship, going all the way back to their first real interaction together, just the two of them, when he paid her to say and do ridiculous things live on the air at _Metro News One_, and continuing on from there as friends and as lovers. They just have fun together, plain and simple. That's why it was so fitting that a play of all things led to their engagement, and now a play will lead into their marriage too.

Knowing each other as intimately as they do makes running such intricate plays possible, and they stand as a symbol of the strength of their connection. "The Robin" was positively ingenious and could only have been concocted by Barney, the man who knows and loves every little part of her and can predict her every feeling and reaction sometimes better than she can. Now "The Barney", as she's dubbed it, will be _her_ answer to that, her gift to him the way "The Robin" was to her, the woman who simply loved the idea of having her name on something.

This new play that bears his name is full of lies, deceit, and misdirection, exactly like "The Robin". But Barney knew, when it was all said and done, she was the one woman in the world who would actually appreciate the play, be touched by it, and readily say 'yes' to his proposal, and in the same way Robin knows he is the one man in the world who is going to be thrilled by all these same things coming back his way, custom-tailored to fit _him_ now. No one's ever done that for him before and it's about time.

"The Barney" is immeasurably more meaningful than any run of the mill bachelor party ever would have been and Robin is enormously excited about it. She formulated the basic plan that first night at MacLaren's, waiting until Barney was at work the next day to dig out his old Brorah in order to hone and refine her play. According to the scroll, _Barney's Bro Mitzvah Absolute Requirements_ consist of:

- Booze (duh)  
>- Cigars (duh)<br>- Strippers (duh)  
>- Fear for our lives<br>- Mind-blowing entertainment  
>- Karate Kid appearance<br>- "Alone time" for me during strip show  
>- Tell crazy sex stories<br>- Spontaneous decision we regret  
>- Spend way too much $$$<br>- Lose a bro at some point  
>- At least one real moment between bros* (*Broment!)<br>- Ooh! Ooh! See a girl fight! Right?  
>- If bride hears what happened? Furious<p>

The funny thing is she already had it memorized from ten months ago when he first revealed it, which is why she was able to start the planning right there on the spot at MacLaren's. She never forgot that original afternoon when Barney debuted the concept of a Bro Mitzvah along with his bromaka, brodle and, the crowning piece, his Brorah. In hindsight, the writing was on the wall that summertime day for anyone to see it if they'd only paid attention. Barney enthusiastically addressed most of his pronouncement directly to her, his favorite playmate, and with each new Barney-improvised Bro Mitzvah paraphernalia he pulled out of his coat Robin couldn't help smiling at him adoringly; didn't even try to fight it. Yet those very same Bro Mitzvah plans that she found endearing and funny and so thoroughly Barney it was impossible not to love made Quinn realize their engagement wasn't likely to last. That said all that needed to be said.

Even now, Robin doesn't view the Brorah as threatening to _their_ relationship. She only sees it as an opportunity to give Barney a night he'll never forget in a way where they'll come out even more bonded, play matched for play. She's offering up "The Barney" as proof of her love and devotion just as he did the same thing with "The Robin".

With that in mind, she's worked tireless over the past three weeks to ensure that "The Barney" goes off without a hitch – calling various participants, setting up meetings, organizing schedules, making sure everything is precisely in place. _The Playbook_ is no more, but she still has her cherished copy of its final page and she wants him to have a hard copy of "The Barney" too. Consequently, Robin also managed to find an identical piece of parchment paper and wrote the steps of her play out just like he always did. To make it even more scrupulously thorough, she put sixteen steps into her play to mirror his. He wrote "The Robin" that way in order to turn every one of her no-Barney-and-I-are-not-together 'no's into a 'yes'. She wrote hers that way simply to show him that she knows and loves him every bit as much as he does her.

Right now, waiting at an unfamiliar table with her play in hand, Robin's reading over the steps of "The Barney" one more time to ensure she's got everything down pat. _Step 1_, she read, _Loretta calls, inviting the two of you to dinner. Make sure Barney understands you're nervous about gaining his mom's approval._ That will set the tone right from the start that she needs him there with her, making it all the more significant when he doesn't show up. _Meanwhile, give Barney an envelope with $5000 in cash_ – It has to be cash so he'll be able to misappropriate it later for gambling; she'll just give him some excuse like the credit machines are down – _for your catering deposit _– connecting the money to their deposit specifically will make it seem like he's let her down even further by losing their caterer and ruining their reception. In truth, they've already paid the deposit, but Barney has written so many checks for the wedding he can't keep track of what each one is for, though he insists on paying for everything himself as his gift to her _–_ _and ask him to deliver it that same night_. Getting him to go alone will be easy since she'll be busy 'anxiously' getting ready for dinner with his mom.

Satisfied that Step 1 is taken care of, Robin reads on to _Step 2: Send Barney downstairs to where Ted and Marshall are waiting outside to ambush him and begin his surprise bachelor party_. They're staging it as a kidnapping and, considering the nature of his work, Barney will fall for it immediately. Knowing what she does about his job at GNB, he'll most likely blame it on the North Koreans. _The party starts out with cigars _– checking off another require, giving him a chance to calm down, and lulling him into a false sense of optimistic anticipation for the night –_ on the way to the worst hotel room ever_. It's not even _in_ the city, a fact that will drive him crazy, being so close to the action yet not quite a part of it.

_Step 3: When Barney calls you to explain what's happened _– because she's certain he won't leave her wondering – _insist he cannot leave you alone with his mom_. Robin already knows his next move will be to then call up his mother, giving her some readymade excuse to cancel. That's why she wrote in this next part: _When it's 'too late' to avoid the family dinner because Loretta is already there, make sure Barney is well aware of how displeased you are with him for going to the bachelor party anyway._ This will set her tone for the evening, allowing her to become increasingly upset as the night wears on.

_Step 4: At the hotel, Marshall announces they'll be watching a depressing documentary that will make them 'fear for their lives'_ – That's item number four on Barney's list. The real fearing for their lives comes in at the initial mock kidnapping, and again with the mobsters from Atlantic City – _and it's a drinking game, thereby fulfilling Barney's wish for booze._ But in the most boring way possible without his beloved scotch, only beer, and a label he doesn't even like. _Next, a clown is brought in as their version of "mind-blowing entertainment"_. Barney will be appalled that they've gotten him a children's act rather than something naked and sexual or even just plain daring, like a fully-clothed fire show.

_Step 5: Call Barney from the restaurant and tell him how horrible things are going with his mom, who believes you to be a virgin_. The fact that Barney actually told his mom that still makes Robin laugh, and it's going to be great fun exploiting it for the purposes of this play. _Get upset with him for lying in the first place and insist he come home_. Which he won't. Not yet. And that will allow her to get even further 'angry' with him.

_Step 6: Since everyone knows Barney wants a Karate Kid appearance, Lily brings in Ralph Macchio – who is, of course, the WRONG Karate Kid and Barney's arch nemesis._ His presence alone will have Barney fuming, but it will get even worse from there because she is going to ensure that Ralph Macchio behaves like an alternate version of Barney – and the unmistakable comparison will leave him indignant.

That's why she's waiting right now, late on a Thursday afternoon after work, about to meet the not-Karate Kid in a little bar on the Upper West Side – one she's sure Barney isn't familiar with – in order to give him full direction for this role.

Looking up from reading her play, she spots him the moment he comes in, wearing jeans and a blazer. They've only spoken over the phone twice very briefly so he has no way of knowing what _she_ looks like, and she's about to stand up and motion him over when his eyes sweep the bar, settle on her, and he immediately heads over.

"Robin Scherbatsky," he says, reaching her table.

"Yes, that's me. I'm Robin."

"I know. I recognized you." At her pleased but slightly shell-shocked expression, he explains, "From World Wide News. I watch you all the time. You guys have the best news program around."

Since the helicopter incident and the subsequent promotion, people actually take her seriously as a journalist now, but something like successfully landing a helicopter is a flash in the pan in New York City. She once had a sandwich named after her, was even on _Letterman_, and her broadcasts continue to get excellent ratings, but even so it's still not every day that she gets recognized – and by someone famous. "Thank you very much," Robin answers, beaming with pride.

He pulls out a chair to sit down across from her. "So this gig is for a bachelor party, right? That's not my usual thing but it sounds like fun."

"I think it will be." For her and eventually for Barney, but Mr. Macchio will surely be in for some abuse at Barney's hand before all is said and done. As long as he knows what he's getting into, though, it should be amusing for him too.

"It's just your basic Karate Kid personal appearance?"

Robin laughs. "Not exactly. You'll be playing a bit of a role, with me as your director. You'll still be yourself, Ralph Macchio, but not. You see, my fiancé, Barney, he's a little crazy – but a good crazy, a _fun_ crazy, an adorable crazy." She smiles just thinking about him, and it's blatantly obvious to the man across the table that the impending marriage is definitely one of true love. "And, well, he has a different understanding of the film than most people." She hopes she isn't going to offend him but he'll need to know and accept the truth if this is going to work. "Barney feels that William Zabka is the true Karate Kid since his character was classically trained and the kick at the end apparently would have been illegal. So he, ah – he kind of….he hates you."

"Whoa, what?"

Robin senses him backing out and jumps into public relations mode. She can't have Ralph Macchio bailing on her now. She's already got her hands full trying to wheedle William Zabka. "Not literally, of course. Just your character. But the movie was such a big deal to him as a kid that you two are kind of connected in his mind; it's a testament to your acting. _You_ showing up as the Karate Kid will be another annoyance to him – and, remember, the whole spin is to give him the worst night possible, one that's so bad it's good." She nudges "The Barney" play across the table for him to briefly look over.

"But even if he hates me, that's still me. Where does the 'role' come in?"

"I want you to act like a caricature of my fiancé, enough like an exaggerated version of him that he'll notice and it'll bug him. And I've instructed everyone _else_ to keep pointing out how similar you are too, which will really get under Barney's skin."

Now he's starting to understand. "So you want me to copy his mannerisms."

"Yes, exactly." She pauses to think about what characteristics best define Barney, superficially and satirically speaking that is. "First off, you'll _have_ to suit up," she brainstorms out loud. Glancing over at him, she can tell he's confused at her phrasing. It wasn't intentional to say it that way, but she's been hanging out with Barney so long his vernacular has become automatic for her too. "I mean, you'll need to wear a suit – hand-tailored Dolce and Gabbana, the very best you've got."

"He's big on suits, huh?"

"That's an understatement," Robin grins. "Wear a tie too. Ooh, a striped one! I'll make sure Barney's wearing something similar….Let's see, what else? ...Well, when you first get there, call him 'bro'." And they should probably hit upon the Womanizer Barney persona that he was once so famous for. "You'll have to act sleek, charming, the classic playboy. Come in right away with the attitude that the night is going to be one of filthy depravity. Take off your wedding ring and say something about strippers and seeing boobs but definitely not getting any hand stuff from them, wink-wink."

"And you're marrying this guy?"

Robin laughs at his confusion. Given the picture she's just painted, she can understand his misgivings. "Barney's not like that anymore, not really. But it's the quickest way to draw the similarity. You'll need a catchphrase too. Hmm….." It has to be comparable enough to Barney's catchphrase to draw notice but not so similar as to raise suspicions. "…..I've got it! Keep saying things are going to be 'incredi – wait for it – ble, incredible'." As soon as it's out of her mouth an even better variation occurs to her. "It would be great if at some point you'd work in 'incr – and I hope you're hungry because the next word is – edible, incredible'."

He shakes his head at the oddity of it, but anything the director says. "Okay, whatever you want."

"We'll need to coax Barney to Atlantic City too. Once he sees how lame his party is and how upset _I_ am, he's going to leave and try to come home to me. I'll need you to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to tell you _exactly_ what to say." Then another stroke of genius comes to her and she grins evilly – a look that could have come straight from her fiancé. "Oh, and one more thing. At the end of the night I'm going to stage a girl fight between me and the stripper, his ex. When Barney starts swearing that nothing happened, I need you to say 'that means hand stuff'. It's an inside joke. Barney will understand."

He nods. "That's weird, but okay."

"Alright." Robin rubs her hands together in excitement. "So this is what you need to say to get him to Atlantic City….."

* * *

><p>On the way home from her meeting with Ralph Macchio, Robin continues going over the rest of the play now that she has Step 6 locked down.<p>

_Step 7_, she continues to read, _Just when Barney thinks his bachelor party is a total bust, Ted and Marshall promise him they got a stripper and she's at the door_. Strippers have long been a sensitive subject with her when it comes to Barney, but he thought up his Bro Mitzvah plan back when he was engaged to Quinn, not her, so she can't really feel hurt about requests such as 'alone time during the strip show' that might have otherwise bothered her if he'd just come up with them now. And simply having a stripper there at all is a given; pretty much every man expects one at his bachelor party out of principal alone. Thanks to her little play, however, she won't have to worry about that at all. _Barney opens the door to discover the absolute last stripper he wants to see_. This is where Quinn comes in, and they'll need her there later to fulfill his thirteenth requirement too. Thankfully, she's ready to play her role like a trooper.

_Step 8: Quinn gives Barney a hard time about being engaged so soon, and then cries over the unfortunate turn her life has taken since he dumped her_. This will instantly make things even more awkward for Barney, and he'll feel badly for her too. He's far more sensitive than people give him credit for. But his sympathies only extend so far for those outside his immediate circle. That's why Robin knows he'll get over that awkwardness quickly enough and expect a show anyway. Which is where the second part of Step 8 comes in. _Out of lingering resentment, Quinn refuses to strip for him, forcing him to stay in the bathroom until the strip show is over_. Consequently providing him with his requested 'alone time'.

Moving on to_ Step 9: Call Barney again, informing him his mother found out you aren't a virgin and has been relating crazy sex stories all night, a few of which you'll retell to him, checking off that wish. _Barney's knows Loretta well enough that the accusation will ring true – and hearing those dirty stories about his _mom_ of all people will leave him completely creeped out. _Beg him to please come home and help you out with his drunken, misbehaving mom. The party will be so terrible he'll agree._

This kicks them into phase two of "The Barney" and what will be the trickiest part. He wants gambling at his Bro Mitzvah, and with his past addiction problem that stands to reason, but any real gambling _must_ involve the casino in Atlantic City and the strange little game he can't resist. It's going to require some very specific prodding to get him to turn around and head there, which is where the next step comes in.

Robin's eyes slide down the page to _Step 10: Instruct Barney's arch nemesis to provoke him – insulting his suit, ripping off his catchphrase, and mocking his Bro Mitzvah_. She just went over this extensively with Mr. Macchio and she's certain she's nailed it. With these repeated, strategic provocations she'll be able to get Barney to bail on her. Anyone else orchestrating this wouldn't know what to say, but she knows how to push all of Barney's buttons, along with exactly what result each will achieve. And the ultimate missile: _Cap it off with the question, 'What kind of LOSER has his bachelor party ten yards from AC and doesn't even gamble?'._ That final incitement will do the trick. Like her, Barney has always felt not quite good enough. It's left him particularly susceptible to peer pressure and saving face in front of others, and it will be even more irksome and impossible to resist when the needling is coming from an archenemy. _All wound up, Barney takes the envelope of cash and heads straight into your trap at the casino_. Checking off another request, a spontaneous decision he'll live to regret.

_Step 11: Since you've convinced the owners to fix the game, Barney loses the entire 'catering deposit'._ Realizing what he's done and how he's let her down will weigh heavily on him and he'll want to go back to the city immediately to replace the caterer's payment and make things right. _He tries to leave, but Ralph Macchio provokes him further_ – Robin giggles at the thought that it's definitely going to involve him coughing but not _over_ the word 'loser', just like Barney did when he was 'trying to start a thing where the cough is separate' the night he took her to prom – _until he asks the 'mobsters' for credit, agreeing to use one of his bros as collateral_. She didn't get involved in Marshall and Ted's embarrassing little squabble at the time, but she knows Marshall was right. Barney _will_ choose him as the more valuable hostage. _After Barney loses even bigger this time – _spending way too much money_ – the mobsters take Marshall away with them until they get paid_. He'll feel terrible about it, but he'll have no choice but to leave Marshall there and go home to get them the money.

_Step 12: On the ride back into the city, Lily hits on Ralph Macchio, causing them to discover Marshall is missing and leading Barney to confess what he's done_. After that things will get 'real' when: _Ted reprimands him for literally selling out a friend_. And, as a result, Barney will get his broment.

_Step 13: Be there waiting when Barney gets back to yell at him for ditching you. While you're already 'angry', Quinn walks up and you hear that she was the stripper_ – There's not much that will make the bride more furious then hearing her groom just watched his ex get naked – _leading you to attack her_. Robin smiles reading over that last part. Because there it is, the girl fight Barney wanted so badly to witness, but she has a feeling he's not going to enjoy this one at all.

_Step 14: Tell Barney you can't possibly forgive this and throw your engagement ring at him, shouting that the wedding is off and storming away._ That's going to be the hardest part for her, hurting him that way, but the payoff will be worth it in the end. It certainly was with "The Robin". It hurt when _he_ told her he was done with her and then kept rejecting her in favor of Patrice, but all the hurt she experienced didn't matter at all once he was down on his knees asking her to marry him.

_Step 15: Just when Barney thinks it can't possibly get any worse the Chinese mobsters pull up, insisting on payment or they'll kill Marshall._ And that's where _actually_ fearing for their lives comes in. _The thugs escort Barney upstairs to the apartment to get the money_. This will be the climactic point of the play. Barney will think he's lost everything and he's very likely going to be killed without ever getting the chance to make it right. Again, it tugs at her heart to put him through this but he has to be at his lowest point so the reveal will be that much more of a happy relief. _When he steps inside, all of his friends are waiting for him – and you reveal the whole thing was a setup._ This is the moment it's all leading up to, and Robin cannot wait to see the look on his face.

She's certain what his reaction will be. She's even written it into the play. _Step 16: Barney tells everyone how awesome this was, but mentions that you missed one item since Ralph Macchio does not count as the "real" Karate Kid._ Barney will be happy with his Bro Mitzvah alright, but he'll have no idea how _thrilled _he's about to be once he realizes his hero was there under his nose the entire time. That's the secondary, ultimate misdirection he will never see coming. _The clown reveals himself to be William Zabka. And Barney goes crazy!_ He'll be absolutely beside himself, she knows. Just like in "The Robin", Step 16 is the best part of "The Barney" too. She even wrote it on the back to match his.

There's only one problem with it as far as Robin can see. In order to make Step 16 work she first has to get William Zabka's cooperation, and that's so far proven impossible. She's left seventeen voice mails already and they've all gone unanswered, but she is _not_ giving up. She has to get Barney the real Karate Kid for his Bro Mitzvah. She's not taking no for answer when it comes to making him happy.

Envisioning the look on his face if she can only make this work out the way she wants it to has Robin picking up her phone and leaving another shameless beseeching message, pride completely thrown out the window at this point as soon as she hears the beep. "Mr. Zabka, Robin Scherbatsky again. Look, I know you haven't returned my other calls, but having you there at my fiancé's bachelor party would mean the world to him. I didn't want to go into this in a message, but Barney is one of the only people in the world who saw your film and came away from it hating Ralph Macchio for what he did to your character. He calls it a 'cheap, illegal kick' and it sickens him. To Barney, Johnny Lawrence was and will always been the one true Karate Kid. _Please_, he really is your number one fan, and I don't want to let him down." She hangs up the phone, hoping with all her might that this last message will make a difference to him.

Thankfully, later that night just as their Thai takeout is arriving, Robin's phone finally rings with the number she's been waiting to see. Evidently her impassioned plea must have gotten through to him this time. In the commotion, she excuses herself to the bedroom, telling Barney she has to take this "work call". It's not exactly lying; getting ahold of the hero of the Cobra Kai dojo _has_ been hard work.

"Hello," Robin answers eagerly.

"William Zabka," he identifies himself. "I got your messages, all eighteen of them. Robin Scherbatsky, you are one determined woman."

Though he can't see it through the phone, her expression is flattered. "Yes, I am. When it comes to getting what I want, unquestionably I am."

"You must love your fiancé a great deal to go to all this trouble."

Robin smiles because he's the second man tonight who has told her that; his co-star passed along those same sentiments earlier. "I do." That's why she's prepared to do whatever it takes to make this happen for him. "And he loves _you_ a great deal, which is why I couldn't give up without making his dream come true. Johnny Lawrence was a hero of his growing up. I'm pretty sure you're his all-time idol. He even dressed up as you for Halloween."

"I don't hear that often but – "

"As an _adult_," Robin clarifies. "Seriously, that was like two years ago."

"What was that you were saying about the one true Karate Kid?"

"Oh, for Barney, that's Johnny Lawrence, no question. He views the _Karate Kid_'s finale as one of the most tragic endings in cinematic history."

Robin hears a choked up half-gasp on the other side of the line. "_Exactly_. I'm so glad to hear someone else out there gets it too!"

She bites her lip in an effort to contain her excitement. She's got him! She knows it. "Right, yes. So you'll come?"

"I wouldn't miss it."

"Thank you so much, Mr. Zabka," she gushes, feeling every inch of it for Barney. He's going to be ecstatic when the big reveal comes. There's just one final hurdle: she still has to break it to this film star exactly what disguise he's going to be wearing all night. But anything for a fan, right? Especially one who adores you. "And now that you've agreed, tell me, how do you feel about clowns?"

When Saturday finally rolls around – the big night, Barney's Bro Mitzvah – he still has absolutely no idea.

The only time his potential bachelor party ever came up in conversation between them was that first night when Robin came home from MacLaren's after Barney had left so that Ted and Marshall could plan his probably disappointing party.

She did her very best to casually throw him off their tracks…

*-*Flashback-*-*

Sitting down on the couch beside him, Robin kisses Barney hello. "So how did the planning go?" he asks wryly. "On a scale of one to ten, how letdown am I going to be?"

She raises her hands innocently. "Hey, I'm staying out of this, remember?"

He frowns reflectively. "Now that we're on the subject of my bachelor party, we should talk about ground rules."

"Ahh, yes," she replies, amused. "I remember your focus on the importance of ground rules between the bride and groom from the story of Marshall's bachelor party gone wrong." She laughs, recalling how Barney insisted Marshall _had_ to have a stripper to make it official but the poor woman broke her ankle because of his fog machine antics – and then he set the hotel room on fire. "But, actually, the fact that _you_ were the one bringing it up as an important prerequisite before any wildness could begin does show an admirable carefulness to avoid infidelity even back then."

Barney smiles, nodding in a see-there-I've-always-been-a-great-catch way.

"It would almost be heartwarming – you know, except for the whole 'where are you allowed to touch and be touched by some whore' part."

He snickers. "I'm not going to touch anything." She opens her mouth but he preempts her. "Or _be_ touched anywhere. But you know that there _has_ to be a stripper, right? It's a bro's basic bachelor party requirement."

"I know," she allows, and she honestly doesn't disagree with him. Strippers and bachelor parties do go hand in hand.

"There has to be a stripper _and_," he adds so there's no misunderstanding later, "Robin, there has to be a lap dance."

"I know _that_ too. Poor Stewart is scarred by his to this day." Robin shakes her head. The man still occasionally goes on about the horrors of it over seven years later. "But I thought you said there wasn't going to be any touching, just looking?"

"I did, and there won't be. It'll be a contact-free, _hovering_ lap dance." She shoots him a skeptical look and he smiles, drawing her into his arms. "It will be; I promise. I love you, Robin. I'm not going to do anything to mess up what we have. Okay?" He molds his hand to the nape of her neck, his thumb stroking over her cheek as he kisses her softly. "It's just, this is a sacred ritual. The Bro Code _and_ the Bro Mitzvah Code dictate it must be."

"Okay," she agrees.

He studies her carefully, wanting to make sure she actually means it. "Honestly? Because I don't want you to just say that if you're really not okay with it and then it becomes an issue later."

"No, I get it. I do," she verifies, running her hand over his chest lightly.

"_Awesome_," Barney enthuses, leaning in to kiss her again. "You really are the coolest fiancée ever."

"Easy there, tiger," Robin laughs, wrapping her hand around his tie. "All of this is assuming they manage to pull off an even partially legendary Bro Mitzvah. You wouldn't let _me_ help….."

"Oh, I'm not expecting legendary, Robin, but maybe halfway towards decent. No," he rethinks it. "This is _Ted _and_ Marshall_. I'd better downgrade it to a quarter of the way decent."

*-*Flashback-*-*

That's the one and only time they've spoken of his Bro Mitzvah before or since. His expectations are obviously low, but conveniently Barney's let it go for now. She knows his bachelor party is the furthest thing from his mind right now. He has no clue what's in store for him tonight.

Robin does, however, and before his life falls to pieces in the night from hell, she first indulges him in the day from heaven. They wind up spending it in bed, and with the devises in their Sex Lounge, and once on the kitchen counter.

By ten to six they're still in bed, with Robin propped up on their mountain of pillows and Barney lying crossways over the mattress with his head in her lap. "Okay, this has officially been my favorite afternoon," she murmurs, combing her fingers through his hair.

"Yeah." He chuckles wickedly. "We did some dirty stuff to each other, didn't we?"

"Even better than our _one_ afternoon." Her lips curve into an aroused smile remembering it. Years later, it still holds a place of honor as one of the wildest, most intense sessions they've ever had. "My old bedroom, August of '09, the day we broke my bed frame."

"And knocked the closet door off its track," Barney grins. "That was a good one. We did it on or against every flat surface – and the window."

She giggles softly. "It's a good thing Lily and Marshall are moving to Italy. That room really shouldn't be a baby's nursery."

"Though, with us, there _was_ a lot of nipple sucking happening in there already so….."

Robin makes a face. "Gross."

"You love it and you know it."

She really does, and after years of denying it, it still feels so good to just be able to give in and openly admit that she finds so much of what he does sexy and adorable – and to have a lifetime of afternoons like this one to look forward to. "I love _you_," she answers.

Barney smiles warmly for a moment. Then his expression turns mischievous. "_And_…."

"And, _yes_," she admits, rolling her eyes, "I love the way you suck on my nipples." He nods at her, snickering roguishly, and she laughs because he's indecent and outrageous and she wouldn't have him any other way. "Although you shouldn't underestimate the power of your tongue alone."

"You know I never do," he brags.

"_Anywhere_." Robin sighs just thinking about it. "You can tongue any part of me you want, anytime you want."

Barney smirks, sitting up. "I'm pretty sure I've tongued _every_ part of you this afternoon alone. But," he says, his fingers playing at the edge of the sheet that's covering her, "I'd love to do it again if we just move this aside." He gives her a raised eyebrow look with a smile that positively melts her as he curls his fingers under the sheet and pulls it down to her hips, baring her breasts. "There." His eyes meticulously drink her in. No matter how many times he's seen her naked, it never gets old. Robin is the most stunning, amazing, awesome woman in the world – with a body to match – and it's incredible that he gets to be with her for the rest of his life. He's never taking that for granted. "_Gorgeous_," he breathes. He moves his gaze back up to her face, making sure to catch her eye before flipping the sheet aside completely now, uncovering her lower half too. "Even more gorgeous."

"You're getting ideas," Robin remarks, looking pointedly down his naked body. "The sleeping giant has awakened."

Barney chuckles. "Mm-hmm." He slides down over her, supporting himself on his arms as he kisses her neck. "I was surfing ," he says against her skin, "and I read about a new position we haven't tried yet. They really do a good job updating that thing."

"_Are_ there any positions we haven't tried yet?" she smiles.

Amused, he lifts his head to look down at her. "Well, it's a variation on what we did that time in your office."

She hums softly, reliving it in her mind. It was when they finally made good on her "Damsel in Distress" play after Barney had to initially turn her down because of "The Robin". "That time _was_ worth repeating."

"_Yeah, _it was," he leers. "And with this new twist it'll be even better." He bends to kiss her lips, then blazes a nibbling trail down the side of neck and across to her throat and collarbone, arousing them both. "We should try it now."

Robin brings her arms up around him, burying one hand in his hair to encourage his kisses while the other hand rests against his back, feeling the appealing pull of his muscles. "That _is_ intriguing." He makes a gruff sound of approval at her apparent acquiescence and his fingers trace along her thigh, his mouth gliding down to her chest. "But, Barney, we can't have sex again right now. We have to meet your mom, and I need time to get all fixed up. I don't want her to know I just spent the day getting nailed by her son."

"Okay," he agrees, but he keeps on kissing her – though at least he is kissing back _up_ her body. "Point taken." He presses his mouth to hers again and with his tongue teasing and his hands stroking her body it gets foggy for a bit as they both surrender to sensation. "…..But we _could_ do it in the shower," Barney suggests, husky and breathless. "That works for everyone. Saves time. Gettin' dirty while we're gettin' clean."

It would be cutting it close. The guys are coming to 'kidnap' Barney at seven, in just over an hour. But he's got her body all revved up now, too turned on to properly concentrate on the night – and Barney is too from the feel of it…It would be best if they finish each other off before they go. It's a necessity, really. Having thus justified it, she nods. "Okay, let's go." She nudges his arm gently to get up and come into the shower with her.

Barney looks up from kissing her neck again. "Seriously?" He was trying to tempt her, but because of the time not really expecting her to give in.

"You started this. Now Mama needs her sugar."

He smiles, jumping to his feet and pulling her up with him. "Well, Daddy's ready to give it to her."

Walking backwards across the room to the master bathroom, he keeps kissing her all the way, one hand on her neck to hold her mouth to his and the other cupping her behind. "Alright…." Robin whispers once they're in the bathroom. She dives back in for another hungry kiss, nuzzling her hips against him, and he responds by squeezing her enticingly and grinding in counterpoint. "…..how does this work?"

"I support your weight against the wall and you hook both your legs up over my – "

"We'd better not slip and kill ourselves before we're even married," she warns. But she pulls him eagerly into the shower with her anyway.

* * *

><p>"You were right," Robin gasps, pulling aside the curtain and stepping out of the shower. "That was <em>spectacular<em>. You hit a spot I didn't even know existed." She exhales long and gratified. "The kitty has never purred so loud."

He smiles, ogling her…..just as she's covering up with a towel. "Come back over here and I'll pet the kitty some more," he entices.

"Nice try. It's time to get dressed." But she does walk over and kiss him tenderly, her hands cupping his face.

Barney sighs happily, reaching for a towel of his own as she steps away. "I can't believe our wedding is almost here."

"Is that in a good, I-can't-wait way?" she asks, walking back into the bedroom to pick out something to wear for tonight. "Or in a I'm-starting-to-have-panic-attacks-again way?"

He follows after her, laughing lightly. "It's a I-can't-wait-to-make-you-my-wife way."

She turns to smile at him softly. "And make _you_ my husband," she points out before walking into the closet, where _her_ clothes now reside. His are now all contained to the official suit room, the second bedroom between the main bathroom and their master suite.

"And be your husband," he echoes with great satisfaction. Leaning against the doorframe, he watches her as she sorts through hangers to decide on an outfit. He still feels so lucky to be privy to such an intimate scene. "Are you kidding? There's something incredibly hot about that title: _Robin's Scherbatsky's_ husband." She smiles over at him again and he walks up to her side, hooking his arm around her waist. "And our wedding night is going to be _insane_."

Robin momentarily abandons her clothing efforts, looping her arms around his neck. "Married sex _will_ be a first for us."

Barney gazes down at her contemplatively. "Think it'll feel any different?" he asks. "More….sacred or something?"

"I don't know," she answers honestly. Then her expression turns playfully naughty. "But I think we'll have to try it, oh, a half dozen times that first night to be sure."

"You can count on it," he smiles lustfully.

His hands start to drift down her hips and she scoots back away. "Getting dressed…." she reminds him.

He frowns but behaves himself, refraining from reaching for her again as she brushes past him with her selected outfit in hand. Leaning on the doorframe again, this time facing out into the room, he watches Robin lay the deep blue jumpsuit down on their bed. "We're starting in the church," he expresses keenly, back on the topic of their wedding night.

"Uh, I'm not having sex in a church. That's got to be some kind of sin."

He gives her an obvious look. "Not once we're _married_." But she still appears dubious. "If I have to, I'll wait till the reception," Barney concedes. "But we start early and then continue to the bridal suite."

"Agreed." She crosses to the dresser and retrieves a bra and panties to put on. "It's our wedding night after all. We're going to both start it up _and_ send it out with 'a bang'."

"Hey-o!" he thoroughly approves and the two high five. "Once for every year we've known each other. That's the way it works."

"Kind of like a birthday spanking?" Robin asks, dropping her towel to get dressed and inadvertently causing Barney's train of thought to race off its track. At his silence, she looks up. "And, no, that's not a crazy Canadian thing. It's American. I've seen it on TV. You know, a light spanking for every year, plus a pinch to grow an inch?" It's then that she realizes he's not teasing her, or confused; he's just staring at her boobs.

Shaking himself out of it, Barney brings his eyes back up to hers. "We can work in spanking if you want," he winks. "And I can guarantee the inches will be growing the minute I see you in that wedding dress."

Robin smiles. "I hope so. But they'll be no more 'growing' right now. Go pick out a suit. I'm getting dressed while you're in the other room just to be sure we make it to dinner on time."

* * *

><p>Once Robin is dressed and has her hair blow-dried, she picks out a tie for Barney – striped, to match Ralph Macchio's – and puts it on him. That last part is all for her. "Oh and Barney," she says as if she's just remembered, "don't forget about the deposit."<p>

"No, I haven't. We'll just swing by before we head to the restaurant."

"There won't be time. I'm still finishing up, and we don't want to be late and leave your mom waiting."

"Alright, I'll walk over there now while you're getting ready and then I'll come back to get you once I'm done."

"Perfect." That's exactly what she wanted to hear.

While Barney's preoccupied putting on his shoes, Robin walks out into the living room to make sure the envelope of cash is in place. Once she's satisfied that everything is ready to go, she leans against the kitchen counter, busying herself with applying her lip stain to at least make it look like she still needs more time to get ready like she told him.

A second later, Barney comes down the hallway with his suit coat in hand, grinning madly. The wedding's right around the corner, they just had a thoroughly enjoyable day of lovemaking, and they still have the entire night before them. "My life is finally perfect and that is _never_ going to change," he joyfully emotes as he shrugs into his coat.

Robin glances over at him for a second before going back to her lip stain. It's all she can do to keep from smiling with excitement. Barney has no idea what's in store for him. It's going to be positively epic.

He looks over to her with an easygoing happiness. "Fired up for dinner with my mom tonight?"

Fired up for tonight? That's an understatement. Of course she can't let him know that. She has to play the role of the jumpy, tense fiancée about to face her future mother-in-law. "_Yeah_. To help streamline the rest of our lives, you can always assume my answer to that question is 'no'." He shots her a 'what gives' look and she carefully trains her expression to one of vulnerable anxiety, setting it up _perfectly_ for him to abandon her in her 'time of need'. "I'm pretty nervous."

"Nervous?" Barney pulls a face like that's silly – which it is; his mother is harmless – but he smiles at the notion all the same. Because it means Robin is invested in making a good impression, a thought that warms his heart. But as he walks over to the banister to retrieve his things he tries to reassure and calm her with his usual mischief. "_Why_? It's just going to be two hours of 'I love Barney the most'. 'No, _I_ love Barney the most'."

"You're right. I might not even get a chance to talk." Robin tilts her head, smiling over at him. It's not part of the play but she couldn't resist the opportunity to tease him.

He smirks appreciatively. She is _so_ cool. They've been like this since day one, this playful banter. It's one of the things he fell in love with about her, her ability to keep up with him and match him wit-for-wit.

Even preoccupied, in the midst of executing her play, that smile of his still makes Robin's heart flutter. _Time to pile it on though_, she thinks, drawing her focus back in to "The Barney". "But I'm so….I – I don't know….I'm worried she won't think I'm good enough to be engaged to her little Luv Luv." She's heard their phone conversations and seen it firsthand at Christmastime. Their daily mother-son calls have fallen off to weekly now but he is still endearingly a mama's boy, just like she's known for years.

Robin's worried she's not good enough? It's a ludicrous thought considering the truth is the other way around, but Barney can tell that she's extremely nervous. He's been through this with _her_ father and he can emphasize. It's not easy trying to gain a parent's approval when the stakes are this high and you're determined to marry each other.

He turns to her, using humor again to set her at ease, "Okay, first of all, it's Wuv Wuv." Robin looks at him levelly, not so much as cracking a smile, so he drops the humor in favor of earnestness. "And second – " He pauses to grab the envelope for the caterer and then approaches her. " – don't worry. I'm just going to drop off our catering deposit and then I will be there for you," he promises. Her newly red lips remind him of a plump glistening cherry, tempting and delicious, but he knows better than to disturb fresh lipstick and settles for kissing her cheek instead.

Robin hums softly as he presses a kiss to her skin. He's so sweet to her, she almost feels guilty over everything that's about to be unleashed on him but she know he's going to love it by the end. That's why she's doing all this in the first place, and right now she needs to step it up one last time. "Okay, well _please_ don't be late." There's strike one. "I am _counting_ on you tonight." Strike two. "And be careful; that's five thousand bucks in there," she cautions, foreshadowing strike number three.

Barney scoffs at the thought, but it warms his heart again that she's so worried about him. "I think I will be okay walking four blocks here on the Upper East Side."

The moment he shuts the door, Robin springs into action, calling Ted to let him and Marshall know that Barney's on his way down. Then she phones Loretta to make sure she's at the restaurant already. It's only a five minute walk for Robin.

On the ride down in the elevator, ignorant of the flurry of planning going on around him, Barney continues to reflect on how perfect his life is. It doesn't get any better than this, he thinks, stepping out of their building with a contented smile. He's in a fantastic mood, just weeks away from marrying the love of his life, with the money in his hand to ensure they have the most legendary reception ever, and about to have a cozy meal with the two people who mean the most to him in all the world, his two girls.

This is the life, he sighs happily –– two seconds before a black bag is thrown over his head from behind.

He feels strong hands grip his shoulders, tossing him roughly into what he realizes is a car once his shoulder comes into contact with the soft, upholstered seat. He's heard of these things before in his years working for GNB, but such occurrences are a rarity and almost entirely overseas – instances with ninjas infiltrating corporate headquarters aside. "Please," he begs his anonymous captors as the car door slams shut, making ready to drive him to a dreaded second location. "I swear I never talked to the North Koreans." Then, hedging his bets, "Unless you _are_ the North Koreans. In which case I swear I never talked to the South Koreans."

His panic increases as a disguised voice, deep and terrifying, informs him, "Barney Stinson – " So then he's right; this _is_ a targeted hit. " – you are being kidnapped – " He can't die, not now, when everything has _finally_ come together for him, when he's just barely experienced the full taste of happiness. He was supposed to have a _lifetime_ with Robin. Five months is not nearly enough. And what will Robin think? What will she suffer, waiting and wondering what's happened to him? They might keep him prisoner for years. And if they do kill him, in situations like this the body is rarely found. She'll never even have closure.

Just like when he was hit by the bus five years ago, again, in this harrowing situation it's not his entire life that flashes before Barney's mind but only thoughts of Robin, highlights of their best moments together.

And then the hood is whipped off his face and he can see…..

….He can see Marshall and Ted's goofy faces looming. " – for your surprise bachelor party!" Ted finishes, now in his normal voice.

For a second, Barney is dumbfounded. Then an infinite tide of relief washes over him. He _hasn't_ lost everything. From desolation his life is back to perfection once again. The car erupts into laughter but he's too thankful and relieved to even care that he's the butt of the joke.

"We really had you going, didn't we?" Marshall guffaws.

"To be honest, you did," Barney admits. He's amongst bros, about to begin his Bro Mitzvah, and they deserve to know they've done well so far.

"See, Ted," Marshall gloats, "I told you the voice disguiser was a must."

Ted nods, getting out of the car to jump into the driver's seat. "But it was the GNB angle that really sold it. I knew he'd think it was the Koreans."

"Hey, I've seen the ninjas myself," Marshall shudders. "You're not telling me anything." Ted starts up the car and heads down the street while Marshall reaches into his pocket and produces a cigar for each of them. "Your first request."

They're not of a great quality – Robin would laugh reading the label – but what can you expect with Marshall's doing the choosing? Besides, the main thing is he's smoking with his best bros. And he's not about to be murdered.

He was sure his Bro Mitzvah was going to suck, but they've already impressed him. "A kidnapping," Barney marvels. "_Respect_." He'd sincerely doubted they could manage something even remotely decent but this definitely took him by surprise and was unexpectedly hardcore for these two. "I was secretly worried you might not be able to pull off my bachelor party."

"It wasn't that secret," Marshall mocks.

"But this is a strong start." Maybe they _have_ been paying attention to him and his teachings all these years. "The students have become the intermediate students." And Barney is ready to enjoy whatever they have in store for him on this hallowed bros night of forever saying goodbye to his singledom. But before the festivities can begin he has to phone Robin. He can't just leave her hanging without explanation; he'd never do that to her. He has to let her know what's happened and where he'll be tonight. "I just have to make one call."

Ted is pokerfaced but Marshall watches knowingly as Barney reaches into his pocket for his phone. He's astounded at how completely right Robin has been so far. She perfectly predicted how Barney would react to the kidnapping and to the reveal afterwards _and_ she said that before they got more than a half mile down the road he would insist on calling her. That's when her part kicks in again.

Barney pulls Robin up on his phone – she's first on his list of contacts; has been for years – and smiles a moment looking at the icon he assigned to her. It's the two of them in bed. She has her arm across his chest, her forehead resting against his cheek as she holds up the phone. They're both grinning at the camera – goofy, silly, and obviously in love. It always makes him smile seeing that picture.

Over at the restaurant, Robin hears her phone ring and signals to Loretta across the room. It begins, she thinks, feeling a little rush of excitement. "Hello?"

"Robin, great news," he tells her. "I've been kidnapped for a surprise bachelor party so I won't be there at all." He's feeling so psyched right now – about everything. His life is fantastic and with this surprise Bro Mitzvah things just got even better.

Robin can hear his delight but she's about to knock that down a peg. "_What_? Barney, I – I can't do dinner with your mom alone." Had this happened in reality she'd be far more understanding. She _has_ met with his mom alone, and while it's a little awkward it's something she certainly could and has willingly endured for a night for Barney's sake. But she can't show any of that understanding now. This evening calls for a touch of irrational bitchiness.

Over in the car, Barney smiles sympathetically. The poor thing. Panic is clear in her tone. She was already nervous about going to dinner with his mom and if she would be considered 'good enough'. It's no wonder she's freaking out at the prospect of handling this alone. He'd planned to do whatever he could to be supportive of Robin, be there for her and hold her hand through it, but that was before his unexpected bachelor party ambush. But there's no reason he can't still make this work for everyone. "Okay. I'll call her, make up an excuse, and cancel." Knowing how anxious Robin was earlier, he preemptively sets her mind at ease. "And don't worry; I'll take all the blame. Hold on."

He switches over to call waiting to talk to his mom, winging it with an excuse about mentoring an underprivileged child. Then the other part just slips out, "And Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with you by herself so – "

Robin takes the phone from Loretta, who is now at their table, just as the two of them planned. "Don't bother she's already here," Robin informs him.

Her tone is saccharine but Barney can sense the venom beneath. He's well aware that Robin's not going to be too happy with him over this, but it's his _bachelor party_. Maybe if he acts like it's no big deal Robin will follow suit. "Robin, too late. She's already there."

"Barney, don't – " he hears Robin start to protest, but a second later his mom is back on the phone again, apparently having ripped it out of Robin's hand to ask, "Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with me?"

Okay, _this_ isn't good. He's going to have to work on an explanation later….But that won't do them any good right now, with his mom thinking Robin can't stand to be with her and Robin mad at him for leaving her there in the first place, along with accidentally selling her out too….But they're already on the road – and _it's his Bro Mitzvah_, a once in a lifetime, not to be missed event. There's not much he can do to help Robin now so he resorts to cheeriness and denial; act like everything's fine and it will be. "Great. We're all set then."

Robin whisper-yells into the phone for effect. "Barney, don't you – "

Hitting 'END' on his phone, Barney proclaims, "Problem is solved." He's going to take heat for this later, but it'll be alright. It's just his _mom_. Robin will charm her and then they can talk about how awesome he is and their mutual love for him, like he predicted. It will all work out.

He turns his thoughts back to his Bro Mitzvah after that, asking, "So what's the plan?" And he's nearly beside himself with excitement when Ted starts talking about the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City and the secret penthouse at the top.

But, as it turns out, that's not the room they got at all. Theirs is some crappy, two-bit motel that's not even in the city. In fact, according to Marshall, they're not going into the city at all because of his little problem with "games of chance". No AC, no gambling, and a pathetic hotel room. Thus far, things are shaping up to be even more mediocre than he expected from them.

Then again Marshall assures him they're going to tick off his 'Fear for our lives' request, so at least there's that. A breath later, however, he reveals this 'fear' is supposed to come from watching Al Gore's _An Inconvenient Truth_.

Barney is aghast. They _can't_ be serious.

"We're gonna pound a beer every time we hear the word catastrophic," Ted explains.

Yep, it's real then, Barney realizes. This is actually supposed to be their version of a drinking game to provide all the necessary booze required at such a function. And the scary part is that the two of them are alarmingly into it. Is this really their idea of fun? It's certainly not his – and this party was supposed to be all about _him_. He knows Ted and Marshall have never taken him entirely seriously, but don't they understand him and the things he likes at all, not even a little?

There's a knock on the door after that and Marshall is reduced to giggles, announcing it's the next item on his Bro Mitzvah list. He'd asked for mind-blowing entertainment, like a naked fire show, or a naked magic show, or a naked contortionist, but standing on the other side of that door is a "balloon contortionist" – or in other words a lame-ass clown. And a fully-clothed _male_ clown, in complete costume and makeup, who doesn't speak a word, instead honking a horn.

This is supposed to be an off-the-charts awesome bachelor party, not a kid's sixth birthday celebration. "Balloons," Barney states flatly. "Not the inflatable, round, squishy pouches I was hoping to see tonight." What kind of sad, pathetic attempt at a bachelor party is this? He was right to originally assume the worst. The kidnapping foolishly got his hopes up far too high but he should have known better. Although he did think they would at least try a little harder than _this_.

When his phone rings Barney is more than happy to take the call and momentarily escape this epic fail. And when he sees _who_ is calling, he's genuinely happy to talk to her. Robin won't believe how insultingly lame Marshall and Ted's attempt is so far. He realizes there's a good chance she's still mad at him though, so he puts on the charm. "Hey, Robin," he answers, sweet and upbeat, hoping she'll follow suit, or at least he'll successfully disarm her.

Robin instantly falls into character. "Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin?" she demands. She really is proving to be a master actress. Barney will be so proud of her once this is all over and he learns the truth of what she's pulled off.

"_What_?" Barney tries to play it off. "Why would you think that?" But it's out there now, and he's in for it. He's learned over the years what a sensitive issue this is for women – just as much as for men, only in the opposite way. He's glad Robin _isn't_ a virgin. For one, because she's a knowledgeable, energetic, and skilled lover in a way that a novice simply can't be. And, even more so, because he's been enjoying her non-virginity for years now, particularly since they got engaged. But no woman wants to be thought of as promiscuous or so experienced that he'd lie to his mother about her sexual past. He tries feigning ignorance to get out of it but he knows that's only going to hold her off for so long.

Robin proceeds to regale him with tales of his mother's obvious and uncomfortable innuendos about her alleged virginity – all of which totally never happened. The two of them thought it up together while at MacLaren's the afternoon she asked Loretta to be a part of her play.

'You are so funny. What's gotten into you? Oh, that's right, _nothing ever_.' Barney shudders. That's pretty bad, even for his mom. And then the absolute worst – the height of awkwardness – her future mother-in-law wanting to answer questions about the wedding night by showing her how sex works using a breadstick and a napkin ring. He cringes at the visual that provides when coming from his _mom_. He can't blame Robin for feeling uncomfortable suffering through that, and the fact that it's all _his_ fault makes it that much more difficult to get around.

"_Why would you tell her I'm a virgin_?" Robin hisses through the phone.

Okay, so it's a hilariously implausible lie, but his mom wouldn't _necessarily_ know it's not true. He sold the lie really well, with plenty of excellently crafted excuses. And obviously she bought it. He was only trying to talk Robin up and make his mom fall as much in love with her as he is. "I panicked," he admits. He got desperate and turned to parental-approved clichés. Dropping all of his defenses, he tells Robin honestly, "Look, I really want her to like you, so just go with it, okay?" Anticipating her oncoming objections, he adopts a fake, overly bright tone and agrees _for_ her. "Okay!"

On the other end of the phone, Robin's smiles to herself. As absurd as is it for Barney to actually believe his mother thinks she's a virgin given his history with women and the fact that they live together, sharing a bed every night but he merely keeps his hands and other parts to himself – an absolute impossibility for the two of them – it does show how strongly he wants his mom to love her, which is actually very sweet when you think about it. But, for the purposes of "The Barney" anyway, it's highly offensive and she lets the role of bitchy, angry fiancée envelope her completely. "Listen, Wuv Wuv, you better get your ass back – " Robin hears the phone go dead and she grins, giggling with Loretta about how fantastic this is going. Everything is right on schedule.

Just outside Atlantic City, Barney pockets his phone, knowing there will be hell to pay later for hanging up like that and for not 'getting his ass back' right away, but they can fight it out then. Robin isn't really mad, just embarrassed and frustrated and irritated. But he can't deal with both the drama between Robin and his mom _and_ with this disastrous bachelor party Marshall and Ted are bungling. It's one or the other, and he's _here_ right now. Besides, everything will be alright on the Robin front. She knows how to play up to his mom, and he'll smooth things out with her when he gets back home, and all will be well…..Though he might have to endure the cold shoulder for a while – and this party _really_ isn't worth it.

Another knock comes at the hotel door then and Barney rolls his eyes, almost afraid to see what's next.

"Why it's Lily," Marshall announces. "And she's here to deliver one of your requests."

Lily? You've got to be kidding? What is she even doing at a _bachelor party_? She's a woman and she's never been a bro, so unless she's providing the strip show there's no reason for her to be her. Don't they even comprehend what a bachelor party is? This isn't supposed to be just another night hanging out with the gang. If that were the case Robin would be here with him instead of back in the city, royally ticked off at him for having this party in the first place when he was supposed to be there as a buffer between her and his mother.

This just goes to show how severely they've let him down tonight. This isn't even remotely close to what his Bro Mitzvah was supposed to be like and they deserve a joke at their expense to drive that point home. "Oh, _thank you_, Marshall," he proclaims dramatically, going for his belt buckle.

Of course he's not serious. _That_ was never one of his requests. 'Alone time for me during strip show' meant a lap dance. And that is all. Even writing the list back when he was still engaged to Quinn, he drew the line at anything else. Cheating is cheating and he doesn't believe in it, and that's even truer now that he's with _Robin_. And even if he had been looking for something more than a fully cleared-with-Robin, chaste as they come lap dance, he certainly wouldn't be getting it from _Lily_ of all people. That's his entire point. He means it to be so over-the-top ridiculous they'll surely see that he was insulting them for how far afield they are from what one actually thinks of when they conjure up the words 'bachelor party' in their mind.

They don't seem to get that point, however. But maybe they don't need to. Maybe they _have_ done something right after all, because it seems his Bro Mitzvah is taking a turn for the awesome. Lily swears she's about to introduce him to his all-time idol, the Karate Kid. "Here he is," she announces and Barney's jaw drops with anticipation. _This_ part is going to be worthwhile, the only worthwhile part of the evening.

But, to his horror, it's not the Karate Kid at all. It's a nightmare. "NO! I _hate_ Ralph Macchio. Hate him, hate him, hate him!" And anyone who truly knows him should know that. His friends have failed him again. "He's _not_ the Karate Kid. The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai dojo, whom this monster defeated with a cheap, _illegal_ head kick in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time." He's given them this exact impassioned explanation more than once already. If they valued his opinions and friendship they would have remembered that.

He's had about enough, especially when he starts getting backtalk from _Ralph Macchio_; that man is absolutely the worst. This was a terrible bachelor party before, lackluster and halfhearted, but having his enemy here is the final straw, like salt in the gaping wound his friends have left by inadvertently demonstrating that they can't be bothered to truly pay him any mind or make so much as _one_ party amazing for him. "This night has been catastrophic," he sighs moodily.

And rather than putting forth any effort to make up for it, Ted just instructs everyone to pound a beer. Barney massages the bridge of his nose, warding off the oncoming stress headache. He's very nearly ready to forget the whole Bro Mitzvah and just go back to have dinner with Robin and his mom.

"Sorry, _bro_," Ralph says smugly and Barney glances over at him with scant tolerance. "I'm staying."

Barney stands there flabbergasted as the slimeball actually takes off his wedding ring and pockets it for the night.

"And if this is anything like _my_ bachelor party – strippers; booze; definitely no hand stuff, wink-wink…."

Barney actually physically recoils in revulsion hearing that. He looks across at this un-Karate Kid, in his suit and tie that's remarkably similar to his own, and he begrudgingly recognizes that the clothes are in impeccably good taste, but _not_ the words coming out of his mouth. This guy is a repulsive lowlife.

"…..it's gonna be in – wait for it – credible. Incredible," Ralph finishes.

"Wow," Ted observes. "You guys are actually a lot alike."

Barney couldn't be more offended. That is_ not_ what he sounds like. The idea of getting handjobs from strippers and then lying to your future wife about it is disgusting to him. Sure, he makes off-color jokes, particularly as a fallback when he's uncomfortable, but he would never actually do something like that. He has never and would never condone cheating, no matter the circumstances and certainly not when you love someone the way that he loves Robin. This obnoxious, cheap, cheater – in apparently _every_ way, not just in the movie – is worlds beneath him. "You take that back, sir," he demands, outraged. "I am _nothing_ like Ralph Macchio."

But he forces himself to forget about that jerk for the moment and return to the original issue here: how badly they've bungled his bachelor party. They can't possibly be this awful at it. They've seen him plan enough bachelor parties to know how it's done. Plus he left them a list! Armed with all that, how could they disappoint him _this_ much? "I mean did you guys even _get_ a stripper?"

Ted and Marshall rush to assure him they did, saying "only dweebs wouldn't get a stripper". They don't seem to realize the ship has already sailed on the dweebs claim.

There's yet another knock at the door and the two start cracking jokes, so proud of themselves when they really have no right to be. Barney rolls his eyes again and goes to answer the door himself since they can't be bothered, just like they couldn't be bothered to throw him a decent party. But that's the story of their friendship, isn't it? He's always there for them but it so often doesn't go both ways, at least not with the same loyalty and diligence, and this is the perfect case in point.

"Who is it?" Barney calls, his patience nearly gone. The answer he receives back is that it's the stripper, and his face lights up. Is it possible they got one thing right after all? He flings open the door, hoping to salvage _something_ from the night.

But his brain can barely comprehend who's standing there on the other side.

Quinn. Seriously? _Seriously_? This party could not get any worse.

But apparently, yes, it can. Because Quinn starts grilling him about this being _his_ bachelor party, and how could he be so cold as to get married less than a year after they broke up. Then she hits him with the ultimate question that is going to be _brutal_ to answer: "Is it _Robin_?"

This is a situation he doesn't want to have to handle, one he shouldn't have been put in in the first place – especially at his Bro Mitzvah. Perturbed, he turns back to the others. He wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for _their_ negligence. "_You didn't vet the stripper_?"

Before they can offer him any explanations, Quinn continues on about how awful and unhappy her life has been since he dumped her. She had to move out of the city, go back to stripping to pay rent; her entire life fell apart. Barney looks at her for a humbling moment and genuinely feels bad that he pulled her into his mess. She didn't deserve to be dragged into the drama he had going a year ago. He used Quinn as crutch to try to move on the way he thought Robin had. But it was always Robin, something he understood not even all that deep down the whole time. He never should have gotten involved with Quinn at all, let alone seriously, when he knew he still loved Robin, would never stop loving Robin, and was ready to run back to Robin at even the smallest sign she might want him too.

Barney honestly means it when he tells her he's sorry. But life moved on – thank God. He got his girl back again, the love of his life. He's on the brink of a marriage that will last forever. Now this is his once-in-a-lifetime Bro Mitzvah and, dammit it, he's getting _one_ part of it right. The night has been extraordinarily disappointing, truly the crappiest bachelor party in history, but having one last strip show at your bachelor party is _the_ rite of passage into married life. Every guy knows that, even those who've never been to a strip club in their life. That's why he had to get Stewart a stripper and that's why he had to get Marshall a stripper too, even though he insisted he didn't want one. He knew he would be sorry later on. It's just not right. It would be like the Fourth of July with no fireworks. It's an absolute requirement, and he _has_ to have that at least at his bachelor party. So if Quinn is the only stripper they've got, then Quinn it _must_ be. She's better than no stripper at all. Plus she seems to really need to earn her paycheck now. And it's not like it's uncomfortable or weird for him because of their past. Their past relationship honestly holds no meaning for him. Dealing with her now is a hassle, but physically and emotionally speaking he thinks of Quinn as no different from any other random stripper who Ted and Marshall might have hired. What's more, since he's seen it all before anyway, this is technically more kosher morally speaking than a random stripper with a new set of boobs.

But Quinn refuses to strip, so there goes that rite of passage, and since this _is_ the Bro Mitzvah from hell she nonetheless walks into the hotel room anyway like she's been invited to the party. "Is that the Karate Kid?"

As the others answer "yes", Barney yells a disgusted "no". Because, once again, they should all know that is _not_ the real Karate Kid. He just _told_ them.

"He's a lot like Barney," Quinn comments.

"You take that back, madam," Barney shrieks. "I am nothing like _Ralph Macchio._" He sneers at him, partially because he hates him on movie principal and partially because he doesn't like what he sees and wants to distance himself from it. No matter what everyone else says, he is not like that. The suit, yes. The catchphrase, yes – though his is much better. But not the smug, disgusting, philandering attitude _when he's married_.

Barney's mind is pulled from thoughts of his repulsive enemy when Quinn announces that she's going to strip for everyone but him. She may be seeking revenge, but he's got the advantage here. Bungled as it is, this entire party is _for_ him. Therefore this is one occasion where he _can't_ be excluded by any of them. "Yeah, um, I'm the _bachelor_. Kind of no stripping without the lap of honor. Back me up, bros."

Typically, however, the others do not back him up and he retreats to the bathroom alone while the strip show precedes in the main room. He can hear them out there, whooping and hollering while the bass thumps the perfect beat to disrobe to. And, okay, he really doesn't _need_ to be seeing it. He _is_ happily monogamous with Robin. Necessary as it is, he can live without a stripper at his Bro Mitzvah if he _must_, but the entire rest of the night has been a waste too. In fact this whole thing is a total washout from beginning to end.

Barney's phone rings at that moment and he reaches for it. When he sees that it's Robin calling, he sighs softly. He's probably going to get yelled at for not coming home, and for pushing her off the phone the last time too, but even so he'd really love to hear her voice. If _she_ were here, she'd understand what a horrible job Ted and Marshall have done. "Hey, Robin."

Robin grins cleverly on the other end. The music and cheering in Barney's hotel room that she can hear even through the phone are all a front. The instant he locked himself in the bathroom, the others called her to let her know Barney was as riled as she predicted he would be and to inform her that he's in place for his 'alone time', prompting her to make this call. She already decided to start out by throwing Barney off guard with kindness. He's having such a horrible night that he'll be glad for her warmth. It will lull him into a false sense of security to be shattered when she then turns on him a second later. "Hey, sweetie," she greets him, infusing her voice with a soft sweetness. "Having fun at your bachelor party?"

Barney's heart swells at her tone. This is exactly what he needs, her sympathy and comfort. He wishes he was with her right now rather than enduring the sorriest excuse for a bachelor party ever. "_No_," he quietly complains, ready to pour his heart out to her and catalogue the night's many woes.

"Good_. _Cause my night's been hell!" she growls in reply.

So much for sympathy and comfort, but in light of what she's telling him Barney can't really blame her. Listening to his mother's tutoring on sexual positions is pretty rough for Robin to suffer through all on her own – and because of his lie. It sounds like her night has been nearly as bad as his.

Standing in a corner of the restaurant, it's all Robin can do to keep a straight face as she tells him how his mom was about to launch into a detailed description of bondage next – which she picked out of sheer irony that _she_ would require an explanation of something they already engage in often – prompting her to finally break down and tell Loretta the truth about her virginity.

From his place on the bathroom floor of the saddest hotel room just outside of Atlantic City, Barney listens as Robin repeats her admission, "My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks. And one baguette; I dated a center for the Knicks." His forehead furrows, slightly disturbed by that information, but he doesn't have time to focus on it now because she next launches into her main complaint.

Robin relays to him that Loretta was thrilled she's not a prude, after which she ordered multiple cosmos and proceeded to tell her all manner of filthy antidotes about her past sex life. "Now she's drunk, holding up a napkin ring and three breadsticks, talking about her night with Crosby, Stills, and Nash." All of which is loosely based on what _actually_ happened the night Robin approached Loretta with this idea, minus the drunkenness, making the telling of crazy sex stories not only twisted and disturbing but authentically true.

Barney can hear his mom in the background calling for another breadstick as Robin requests that he _please_ come back. Her voice sounds tired and weary with a hint of begging, and he doesn't have in him to turn down her plea. His party is a waste anyway. "Okay. I'll be there soon," he promises.

Hearing the cheering die down, he figures it's safe and opens the door, walking back out into the main room. "Let's head back guys. This night has been totally half-assed." Ted and Marshall both know what a huge event a man's bachelor party is, and they especially understood how important this Bro Mitzvah was to_ him_. Because it was so important he had the foresight to give them a specific list in the hope they'd get it at least half right if he spelled it out exactly and did all the work for them. But they still failed him all around – or didn't even bother to try, which he suspects is the case. There's no undoing what they've done. They've ruined his big night. He _should_ have let Robin plan it; she would have done him justice better than these guys.

Five minutes later, Barney shakes the dust off his feet from this hellhole they chose as his bachelor party 'suite' – he uses the term loosely – and they all climb into the car, regrettably Quinn, the clown, and Ralph Macchio too. This time he even has to do the driving since the others claim to be too buzzed to get behind the wheel. Ironically he is the only one who hasn't taken so much as a sip of liquor at his own celebration. "This is the worst bachelor party ever," he grumbles, disappointed and deflated.

"Man," Ralph taunts, "_my_ bachelor party was incr – wait for it and I hope you're hungry because the second half of this word is – edible. Incredible."

Barney makes a face. That's a total rip-off catchphrase, and nothing near legendary, and he's _not_ like Ralph Macchio. Not at all. The guy's a jerk and a poser and a cheat.

"Self-shake!" Ralph Macchio smirks, doing just that.

Barney shakes his head. _No_. Just no. He is so much better than this guy.

But movie villain that he is, Macchio keeps heckling him. "Yeah, you've got more in common with the clown. Except _his_ suit's more expensive." The whole car laughs. Even the clown toots his horn.

Barney blinks in agitation but turns back to the road. Just ignore him, he tells himself. He just has to get home and this nightmare will be over. That's all he has to focus on, getting home to Robin. Then everything will be alright.

"What kind of _loser_ has his bachelor party ten yards from AC and doesn't even gamble?"

Barney's jaw sets. That's the final straw. He won't take this abuse from Ralph Macchio of all people. He's not just going to sit by and let this lowlife call _him_ a "loser". He looks down at the envelope of cash in his hand…It's supposed to be for the caterer's deposit but – but there would be no real harm done, right? It's not due until Monday anyway. And he _knows_ his skills; he's confident in them. He has no doubt that he can double, even triple, this $5000 in under an hour…

The fever's got a hold of him now, cards and chips and spinning wheels and Gambler's Anonymous medals going round and round in his head in a dizzying infection. He throws the car into a wild U-turn. His life is perfect and he was _supposed_ to have the perfect bachelor party to go along with it. He's at least going to have the gambling part of it. It's not too late for that.

As he drives in a frenzy back to the city, he figures the others must be surprised that the trigger wasn't strippers. He's not driving them to a strip club; he's not looking for a lap dance. The trigger wasn't even entirely gambling. It's that Ralph Macchio's words held a disconcerting truth to them that hit far too close to home. What kind of loser does have his bachelor party ten yards from AC and not even gamble at the casino? 'What kind of _loser_?'…..Not him, that's for sure. _No one_ calls Barney Stinson a loser. He's had enough of that in life; heard it day after day waiting for the school bus, night after night pouring coffee in the café where the girlfriend he saved himself for abandoned him – just like his dad, just like his Uncle Jerry, just like _everyone_ did. Now that he's a grown man, he doesn't sit quietly and take the world 'loser' anymore.

Half in a gambling fever, half lost in reprisal for the little boy who was too smart for his own good and whose family was too improper and unsuitable for the neighbor's taste, leading to years' worth of taunting words and bullying insults, and for the adolescent man who was too sensitive and open to keep from getting his heart broken and then being mocked for it afterwards.

Manic and barely cognizant of what he's doing, as with all addicts deep in a bender, it's as if his body has a mind of its own. The next thing Barney knows the _white chicken_ has been tossed down and he feels like he's going to throw up. Horrified, he mutters, "I just lost five thousand." The entire envelope of cash. Gone. Robin will be so upset with him. Her anger he can take; he deserves it. It's the disappointment in him she'll unquestionably feel that cuts him to the bone. He wasted away money that was supposed to be for their wedding, to start out their future life together. What is she going to think of him? It's not exactly encouraging when what kept them apart for years was her fear he was irresponsible and unable to commit to her or anyone.

He _has_ to make this right. He has to show her this was temporary insanity, just a mild aberration. He can still salvage this. Given what she knows about his history with gambling addiction and this game in particular, Robin will understand. She'll forgive him. He's still going to get her that caterer no matter what, and $5000 isn't all _that_ much, not to them. It's like a suit budget, really. But, this ends here and now, before it gets any worse.

Despite his resolve, when Quinn scorns him and the clown too, he feels that fever start to take ahold of him again. He doesn't trust himself. He won't let Robin down any more than he already has. "We _have_ to go back," he insists.

"Loser," Ralph calls him again_, _over instead of masked by a sneeze.

Something in Barney twists up and riles at the insult. Like nails on a chalkboard, he cannot take that sound, that _word_, from _Ralph Macchio_.

"Sorry. That was a real sneeze. It might've made you miss what I was saying. _Loser_," Ralph deliberately repeats, looking him square in the eyes, tauntingly.

Lily laughs. And Barney's gone. "_We're not going anywhere_." His hands are itchy, twitchy; his mind frenzied and his eyes crazed. This is not about gambling at all anymore. It's about proving Ralph wrong. He is _not_ a loser. His sacred Bro Mitzvah is not one of a loser. "I can still make this night legendary."

It goes by in a blur after that. Until the showgirls come out – and then time stands still. But he's chosen poorly all around. He can't believe it. Hot horror creeps over his skull, slowly filling the rest of his body. He is way past panic now and on to disgusted with himself. Aghast, appalled, all of the above. "I just lost eighty thousand dollars." And temporarily lost Marshall as collateral to the Chinese mobsters until he can make good on the debt. He was so sure he was going to win. Losing wasn't even a possibility in his fevered mind – _because_ _he's not a loser_.

But now he _has_ lost, and Marshall is paying the price.

Barney thought this party was horrendous before but the true terror of the night is only just beginning. How is he going to explain this to Robin? And to Lily?

Driving home, he feels sick but he's trying to stay calm, trying to rationalize and focus on a way out of this. But then the others notice Marshall is gone, and he looks down, disgraced. How could he let this happen? Maybe they were right. Maybe he _is_ a lowlife like Ralph Macchio.

But no. No, he's going to set things right. He'll go home to his safe, get them the money, Marshall will be free – he's probably just enjoying some casino time, you know? – and then it'll all be good. He'll have some explaining to do, some working his way back into his friends' good graces, but they'll make allowances for his addiction. Hopefully.

He tries to explain what happened in the most innocuous way possible, but Lily sees through it instantly. "You sold my husband," she accuses.

He winces internally but puts on an unaffected, even carefree front. "Lily, can you be more like the Chinese mobster and give me some credit? I'm going back for Marshall." Which is true; he is. There's no way he'd just leave him there. Even in the throes of a Chinese gambling fit, he would never actually _sell_ Marshall. "I just have to get some money. You have nothing to worry about." That part may or may not be true, but he can't let his bro's worried wife know that. "These are the 'good' mobsters." He smiles for Lily's benefit but the smile dies as soon as he looks away. He can't believe what he's done. What was he thinking? He _wasn't_ thinking; that's the truth of it. He was just so positive he was a winner now. He would recover his losses and come out on top, save face and show up Ralph Macchio, all while rescuing his sacred Bro Mitzvah and still making it legendary. But he was wrong. Underneath it all, he _is_ still just the same loser after all.

"What kind of bozo does that to a friend?" Ralph scorns.

Barney's heard more than enough from him. "Shut it, Ralph Macchio."

"No, you shut it," Ted pipes up from the back. "Ralph Macchio's right. You _are_ a bozo."

Barney flinches as he pulls to a stop outside his apartment building. He already hates himself for what he's done. He doesn't need Ted piling on to realize how bad it was.

"You know what a bachelor party's about? Hanging out with your friends and having a good time. But you only care about the good time, not the friends." And what none of the others realize is that underneath it all, though the lines are rehearsed, Ted kind of means it.

Barney senses his contempt and frowns. It's not a fair accusation. This all started with _them_ not being good friends to him. He honestly doesn't believe for a second that they put any real effort into this night, and if they hadn't bungled it so badly it never would have gotten this far. It was just a perfect storm of awful all around.

"So you know what? I'm – I'm done caring about you then. I'm out of here," Ted hisses, vacating the car.

Barney needs to concentrate on getting back to Marshall. The last thing he needs right now is to get into it with Ted _again_ – though this time he, sadly, has a slight point. "Ted," Barney calls, getting out and going after him.

But Robin is standing there outside their building, holding out a hand to stop him. "Ah-ah, I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mug shot and put her in a cab home."

Judging by this brief description, her night turned out even worse than he imagined. He can see that she's obviously angry with him. And, yes, he _should_ have been there for her, but he honestly didn't mean for any of this to happen. How was he to know Ted and Marshall would kidnap him for his Bro Mitzvah on the very same night he and Robin were supposed to have a pre-wedding dinner with his mother? And how could he predict that, if he stayed, his mom would get drunk and disorderly?

"Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life."

At the word 'abandoning', Barney sighs and his shoulders slump, his gaze falling to the ground shamefully. That accusation hurts because technically there _is_ some truth to it. He saw how nervous she was back at the apartment and he promised he'd be there for her, but when she called him twice – begging him to do just that – he wasn't…..But it was his once-in-a-lifetime bachelor party, and it was just his _mom,_ and he couldn't be in two places at once…..But he let Robin down all the same and there's just no excuse for that – and she doesn't even know about the lost money, their unsecured caterer, or using Marshall as collateral. Nonetheless, he takes a deep breath and puts on a quarter-smile, intent on going with Cute Barney, Charming Barney, to neutralize her initial anger which will then give him the chance to provide some justifications and explain _his_ side of things.

He never gets the chance to, however, because the last stripper he wants to see at the very last moment he'd ever want to see her walks up to them then in her police costume. "So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action."

Barney physically staggers back a step, his eyes glued to Robin's appalled expression, to her mouth, dropped open in disbelief. This is bad. This is really, _really_ bad. His hand is already preemptively in the air because he knows how this is going to go. Robin is going to jump to the wrong conclusion and assume they purposefully sought out Quinn as the stripper, or even worse that something inappropriate occurred between the two of them. There isn't much lower in the eyes of the current fiancée than having the groom's ex as a stripper at the bachelor party. And here Quinn is coming to him for payment like _he_ was the one who hired her. He had no idea about _any_ of this.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Robin demands.

Barney reaches out to her. "Robin, I swear nothing happened." Hoping it will defuse some of the awkward tension, he even allows himself to respond partially amused, as if the very idea is so absurd that it's laughable. Because it _is_. For him, it is.

He's about to launch into an explanation of this whole dreadful night, starting with the fact that _Ted and Marshall_ are responsible for Quinn being here. He turns to indicate the others still in the van when Ralph Macchio cuts him off at the pass, ever so helpfully supplying, "That means just hand stuff". Barney doesn't miss the dramatic irony of his own words coming back, although he's far from appreciating the fact that 'it's a thing' at the moment.

Before he can defend himself any further against the accusations, Robin attacks Quinn and the two start fighting. Robin's always been a little spitfire, at least twice in trouble with the law for assault. She can handle her own in a fight. She could easily take Quinn. Actually, she could _annihilate_ her….and he really doesn't want to see Robin responsible for homicide, particular when it's so unnecessary. Nothing happened. Nothing ever would. He starts to protest, but it's when he sees Quinn violently reaching up toward Robin's hair that he breaks his cardinal rule and lunges forward to gently pull Robin back out of the skirmish to safety. "Stop. _Stop_. STOP," he tells Quinn.

He once got so irate with Ted for doing this exact same thing in the brawl between Lily and Robin that he punched a hole through the wall of the apartment – screaming, "You never break up a girl fight!" – but that all changes when you know you love the woman involved, when you only want what's best for her to that point that it cancels out your own gratification at the sight. Right now, Barney stands there vigilantly, hoping against hope that he has successfully broken up this particular girl fight, Bro Code rules be damned.

Robin turns to look at him then and he can see the emotion on her face, hear the unshed tears in her voice. "I'm sorry, Barney, this – this – this is unforgivable," she sputters.

What is she saying? He watches horrorstruck as she takes off her engagement ring. No. _NO_. She can't mean _that_. The wedding, their plans for a marriage and a life together, it can't be lost to them just like that. She can't walk away without even hearing his side of this.

He reaches out his hands to her but he's hit in the stomach with the ring he once so lovingly put on her finger as she tosses it at him, wounded and angry. "It's over," she tells him, storming off, away from their home, away from their dreams.

It feels artificial, unnatural to Barney, like he's going to wake up any moment from this nightmare, this horrendous hallucination. Because he can't believe this. This _cannot_ actually be happening. But he exhales sharply and the rush of air through his lungs proves he's breathing and awake and this is terrifyingly real. In his new, horrifying reality he looks from where the ring symbolizing their union has clattered to the pavement back up to Robin, stunned and dismayed as he watches her retreating figure.

Distressed and utterly lost, Barney just stares after Robin – after his heart walking away from him – while Quinn says something he doesn't catch and throws Robin's engagement ring back at him again. He doesn't even wait to see where it lands this time; all the fight knocked out of him the moment Robin turned the corner and disappeared from his life. He slumps down against the side of the steps, shattered and brokenhearted.

Meanwhile around the corner, unbeknownst to him, Robin celebrates being right on schedule. Everything is working out so well; Barney's falling for it completely. This is the rough part on him, she knows, and it was difficult to be so cold to him even when it was fake, but the bleaker it seems the greater the surprise will be. So when Quinn arrives from around the block informing her Barney is "suicidal", Robin jumps up and down with delight. That only means he's going to _love_ this when he finds out the truth. She's managed to flawlessly pull off "The Barney" and has given him one hell of a Bro Mitzvah if she does say so herself. She grabs Quinn, hurrying to the freight entrance of the building where she has helpers waiting to let her and the others in so they'll be upstairs waiting when Barney gets home.

Back at the front of the building, in Barney's mind this is all painfully true. Distraught and beside himself, he hunches against the step miserably. Ted hates him now, and Lily and Marshall surely will too. They've overlooked a lot of his schemes and bad behavior but they're not going to get past this so easily.

And Robin. He could take all the rest of it if he still had Robin. But he's lost her now too. He's lost _everything_. And this time it wasn't even his fault. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't touch Quinn. He never saw her as much as take off a shoe.

He wonders in anguish how it came to this. Just six hours earlier he was saying how perfect his life was and that would never change. Six hours earlier they were making love, wrapped up in each other's arms. Six hours earlier he had it all, every dream he'd ever dreamed and then some. And now it's all over. They were mere weeks away from becoming man and wife. He had a lifetime of happiness with Robin to look forward to. And now he doesn't even have the next minute.

If only he could turn back time. He should have come home; he knows that now. He should have come home the first time Robin asked. Then she'd still be with him right now. Quinn wouldn't have shown up, Robin wouldn't have gotten the wrong impression, he wouldn't have lost the catering money, and Marshall would still be with them instead of in the hands of Chinese mobsters. His life would _still_ be perfect, not completely fallen apart.

Oh who is he kidding? This _is_ his fault, he thinks, reaching down to the pavement beside him to pick up Robin's forgotten engagement ring, cradling it reverently in his hand before slipping it into the safety of his pocket. It's his fault because no matter how he tries he can't do anything right. It's his fault because he always screws up everything he touches. It's his fault because he's a _loser_ and always with be. Heart crushed and bleeding on the ground, he moans in sheer despair, covering his face with his hands and letting the sobs take over, his body shuddering violently with each one.

Swept away on a tide of agony, he doesn't even notice when the car carrying the others pulls away. He isn't aware of his surroundings, isn't aware of the minutes passing by. He only knows that after everything – and coming so very close this time, now knowing what it's like to fully love her and be loved by her – he's lost Robin. And along with her, he's lost his mind.

He pulls his hands back away from his eyes but keeps them closed as the sobs continue to rack his body….until he hears someone distantly calling his name. He wonders at first if it's just his guilty conscience, because it sounds an awful lot like Marshall. Then he sees a dark car pulling up to the curb and it _is_ Marshall, held prisoner in the backseat, hollering for him to hurry.

The deal was he was to bring the money back to Atlantic City in return for Marshall's freedom. So what are the mobsters doing at his apartment? Did they follow him here? That's not their usual M.O. and Barney is frozen, flabbergasted and confused. However, when Marshall's cries they're about to cut off his hand if Barney doesn't give them the money right away that brings him back to his senses. Lily would never forgive him. Robin would never forgive him. _He_ would never forgive himself. Right now no irreversible harm has been done. He can't let them permanently disfigure his friend because of his negligence and bad decisions.

Barney scrambles to his feet, pleading, "Don't hurt him! I've got the money." He'll go get it; he'll get it right now. $80,000 is a lot of money, but they'll survive. _Everyone_ will survive. If they just give him a chance to make this right.

But he's all out of chances. Before he can even turn to walk up the stairs, the mobster in the backseat brings down his cleaver and chops. Marshall is screaming in pain, and blood is spurting, and he can't believe what he's seeing, what _he_ is responsible for. He feels faint. Black dots start to overtake his vision and his eyes roll up into his head, but he wills himself not to pass out because he can't save Marshall if he's unconscious. He falls back against the stoop for support, screaming on his friend's behalf, wishing so hard that he could just blink and somehow make all of this not be so.

He doesn't get his wish. The thugs grab _him_ now by each of his arms and forcibly drag him inside. All the way up in the elevator, Barney keeps assuring them he really does have the money. If they'll just allow him the time to access his safe he can produce it in cash for them right here on the spot; there's no need to hurt anyone else. But they sneer at him as the elevator doors open onto his floor. "That's what happens when you mess with the wrong people. Why do you think they call us loan sharks? When crossed, we have a painful bite."

So this is what it comes to then, Barney silently thinks. Murdered, cut down in his prime – and possibly Marshall too, Marshall who has a young son at home that will be forced to grow up without his father, just like he did. And he'll never get to make amends with Robin, never get the chance to swear to her that he didn't cheat, wouldn't cheat; she's the _only_ one there ever could be. He'll never again have the opportunity to tell her how much she's meant to him, that she's been the reason in his life since she first walked into it and he will love her beyond forever.

The mobsters haul him out of the elevator and towards the door, and there is at least one silver lining in Robin hating him now: at least she won't be in their apartment as she otherwise would have been. This way they won't hurt her too. She's spared and he's wholly grateful for that. Robin needs to be out there in the world, safe and unharmed. That is Barney's sole consolation as he prepares himself to be shot on the spot.

But then the lights pop on, bright and stunning, and a chorus of voices shout, "Surprise!" He doesn't understand. Is he hallucinating? Did the stress and panic of what he witnessed, of what's about to happen to him, drive him over the edge into insanity?

His heart is racing, his eyes narrowed in horrified panic, as he looks around and slowly processes what he's seeing…

_Everyone_ is standing in the living room facing him – Ralph Macchio, Lily, the clown, Quinn, his drunken and recently-bailed-out-of-jail mom, and _Robin_. Robin is back in their home again, laughing and smiling brightly to him, not seeking refuge across town from the relationship she yelled was over.

"What's going on?" he asks softly, the array of intense emotions he's experienced in the past fifteen minutes dripping from his voice.

Happy and excited over how pleased and excited Barney is about to be now that it's all out in the open, Robin answers him cheerfully, "Well, we decided to give you everything you wanted for your bachelor party without you even realizing it."

Bewildered, Barney looks over to where she nodded – and there is his Brorah, propped up in a place of honor on the table behind the couch. But Robin's words still aren't quite computing. Trying to piece it together in his mind, he turns to look at Marshall – whose hands are both intact – and Ted standing behind him, and they smile and nod in corroboration of what Robin's just said. So…..none of this has been real, that's what she's saying? It's all been a fake? A ploy? His face scrunches up at the realization. "Wait, so that's why you made me think Marshall might _die_?"

Robin's smile fades away and she blinks heavily. Barney's expression and tone are troubled, possibly even on the verge of anger. Did she miscalculate terribly? Was Ted right? _Was_ this too mean to Barney? Is it possible that Ted knows Barney better than she thought? Better even than _she_ does?

"And I'd lost all that money?" Barney continues, slowly approaching her. "And my friends hated me, and my wedding was off?"

A stab of nausea twists Robin's stomach. Had she just messed everything up between them? Hearing it all together this way, it does sound terrible. He would have every reason to be upset. _Anyone_ would after what she'd put him through. There was good intention behind the madness, but maybe she misinterpreted him and what he would find enjoyable.

"You just decided to – to – to check off everything on this list in the most twisted way _imaginable_?" Even as he says it, Barney's mind is still reasoning it out…..This was a systematic rouse. They gave him the Bro Mitzvah he asked for by fulfilling every item on his Brorah one-by-one but in a preciously warped and carefully manipulated manner. "That is…." The sheer planning, the scheming, the Machiavellian genius necessary to pull something like this off is beyond impressive to him. "….._awesome_!" he exclaims, grinning elatedly at her.

Robin smiles, laughing in relief. She was right about Barney after all. She _does_ know him best. She, all by herself, knew what he would want and what he would love best of all. "And it was all planned by a girl!" she beams proudly, opening her arms to him.

This has certainly been a night Barney is never, ever going to forget in a way nothing else would have possibly stayed with him. And Robin was behind it all. _Of course_ she was. The others aren't smart enough, capable enough, or sharp enough to so much as think of this let alone succeed at it without him even once suspecting. The lies, the misdirection necessary are just –

And that's when it hits him. This wasn't merely a ploy. It was a _play_. Robin, his little minx, has been running a long and elaborate play on him. Just like he did to her.

She is truly the _coolest_ fiancée ever.

So happy, so utterly impressed by her, Barney laughs "_Wow_" as he walks into Robin's embrace. Her arms wrap around his neck and his fold over her back in a hug, holding her tightly, _not_ lost to him but back in his arms where he needs her always.

It's still continuing to sink in as he rocks her, everything that's happened tonight, and the most significant, most striking thing about this – beyond the way it proves how alike the two of them truly are – is that it shows without a doubt how absolutely she knows him. He's fully aware of the level of intimate and soul-deep understanding it takes to be able to so thoroughly anticipate what that person's next move and reaction will be – and to even know he would want something like this in the first place when he hadn't even realized it himself. The fact that _he_ doesn't just know her that well, well enough to pull off a masterpiece like "The Robin", but _she_ knows him that well too – their intimate understanding goes both ways – is indescribably beautiful to him. They are true partners and so perfect together, so perfect _for_ each other.

And _this_, he thinks, holding her tighter. They get to have _this_ for the rest of forever – a marriage where they can challenge each other, and play with each other, and love each other in their own crazy way for all of eternity. It's more than he could have ever asked for in life, more than he ever imagined was even possible.

"You are the _perfect_ woman, do you know that?" Barney whispers to her.

Robin draws back to look at him and her smile matches his, broad and full of delirious happiness. "Hmm, I'm close….but I learned this from _you_."

"No, this kind of talent comes naturally," he says, kissing her cheek. "I recognized a kindred spirit of awesome in you the very first night we hung out."

Robin grins, handing him a champagne glass to celebrate. Ted and Marshall come over to them after that and they have to break away to hug and thank them for their part in this. But they meet up again a moment later on the other side of the coffee table and Barney pulls her back into a one-armed hug. "You ran a play on me," he says, his voice all impish and rascally as he lets her know that _he_ knows.

"I did," Robin giggles. "It's called "The Barney"." She clicks her tongue, raising her eyebrows at him, and he laughs.

"I am in awe, baby. No one else but you could have done this. Robin, you are _amazing_."

She leans in and kisses him tenderly. "Happy Bro Mitzvah, Barney." He smiles, going in for another, and she kisses him once more before pulling back away. "Now, _you_ are the man of the hour. I think it's about time you gave a speech."

He nuzzles her cheek one last time before letting her go. "Everyone, everyone, thank you for an _incredible_ Bro Mitzvah." He gives a little bow, lifting his glass to his astonishingly awesome fiancée. He knows she's the sole one he has to thank for all this. If it wasn't for her, he would have ended up with a lame bachelor party not so very different from how his started out at the beginning of the night.

Robin nods and smiles, giddy in the knowledge that she's accomplished this for him. "Mazel brov!" Ted toasts a moment later, and Robin shares a look with Barney, thrilled that Ted is following suit and giving in to Bro Mitzvah lore. The others so rarely play along with Barney, often ridiculing him instead, even if it is good-naturedly. Tonight, she loves to see them all indulging him completely for an evening, the way that he deserves. Tomorrow that will change but it's their loss anyway; they're missing out on all the fun. Playing along with Barney, getting swept up in his world – in what became _their_ world long ago – is one of the best parts of her life.

Drinking to Ted's toast too, Barney's mind is as busy as his fiancée's, but his thoughts are still toward pondering what she's managed to pull off. This has definitely been a night to remember and a fantastic rite of passage into married life; other people would be so lucky if their married life could be with a woman this amazing. But, with "The Barney", Robin also very slyly guaranteed he didn't do any real gambling – Marshall's already informed him he has his $5000 safe and sound – didn't do any drinking, and never saw a single strip show. Yet without any of the vices he always thought were so necessarily, she still made the night incredible and she did so using his _Playbook_ methods to boot – while simultaneously hitting every last requirement on his list, his list from _ten months_ ago that she cleverly searched out and found. She is one remarkable woman.

There's just a single, slight hiccup in it. "Mmm, oh, you didn't really get _everything_ on the list," he realizes out loud. "No – no offense to Ralph Macchio…." He tries to tone down his loathing since he now knows the guy showed up here tonight to help out. "….but he ain't the Karate Kid."

"I couldn't agree with you more." It's the first town the clown has spoken all night. Barney just assumed he was the mute sort of clown and that was part of his shtick. He's curious why the man would speak up now, to agree about the real Karate Kid; not many people do. He turns to face the clown fully, waiting to hear what else he has to say.

"You know," the clown pauses, pulling off the red nose, "they almost didn't get me."

He whips of the red clown wig next and Barney really wonders what's going on here. Why is this guy suddenly taking off his costume in the middle of a gig? Robin just smiles cool as cucumber, knowing Barney is going to _die_ once he realizes who the clown actually is.

"Then after 18 voice mails," the clown continues, starting to rub off the face paint with a towel that's conveniently placed on the kitchen counter behind him, "I returned Robin's call."

At the mention of Robin's name, Barney looks over at her, inquisitively. She was calling this one specific clown _that_ many times? And they almost didn't get him? What is the significance? Why does this one clown matter so much?

Robin merely smiles, giving nothing away, only now she reaches out and takes his champagne glass from him, coyly holding his eye all the while. She knows what's going to happen the moment Barney sees who this really is; he's going to lunge at him, throwing him into a violent hug. What she's doing now is preemptively saving the untimely death of a suit and tie – Forester and Cornelius II, respectively – two personal favorites of Robin's; he wears them both dashingly.

Barney doesn't understand any of this or why she's taking his champagne glass from him but he just silently lets her have it, glancing back to the clown as he resumes. "And she told me you're one of the few people in the world who truly _gets_ the _Karate Kid_ movie." That only makes Barney more confused. This particular guy had to be the clown because he understands the movie too? That's an admirable level of attention to detail, but even _he_ wouldn't find such minute meticulousness necessary.

Behind him, Robin purses her lips, blinking back tears. She understands like no one else how much this is going to make Barney's night, his entire Bro Mitzvah. Meeting his childhood hero right here in their living room will be a powerful memory for years to come.

"So when she asked if I'd help…." The clown trails off, removing the last of his makeup, and a small tingling of recognition starts to dawn in Barney's mind. "….Well my answer just had to be….." He approaches Barney, stopping mere feet away and rips off the clown costume to reveal the Cobra Kai dojo uniform underneath.

That's when Barney realizes who is actually standing before him. This is his _real_ Karate Kid appearance – and his idol is talking to _him_! He's been here with him experiencing the entire night, his entire Bro Mitzvah, right alongside him. Barney reels back several steps, overcome, his hand going to his heart in veneration.

Robin's eyes are wide with glee and she can barely contain her excitement for him as Barney exclaims, "_William Zabka_!", screaming like a fourteen year-old fangirl. She breaks into a huge grin, laughing and bouncing up and down as Barney hurls himself on the man in the giant bear hug she knew was coming.

_This_ is why the eighteen voice mails were necessary, Barney realizes as he hugs his hero. The others may not have remembered, but _Robin_ knew William Zabka is the real Karate Kid. Because she knows _him_. His heart is heavy with love thinking of Robin persistently, obsessively calling William Zabka, resolute to make this happen for him with unstoppable, eighteen voice mail, never give up determination. She loves him _that_ much. It's a truth that makes Barney's eyes well up again, this time with joyful tears. Robin is the only one who's every truly gotten him and cared for him and _all_ of his idiosyncrasies – all of the Bro Code laws and Hot/Crazy Scales and Platinum Rules and Murtaugh Lists and Brorahs he could come up with. Every little thing that he finds important becomes important to her too, _because_ it matters to him. There is no one else on earth who knows him or loves him or appreciates him the way that Robin does. He's indescribably happy to finally have that connection, that all-inclusive understanding and acceptance and love. And he loves and understands and accepts Robin that same way right back. It's what makes them undeniably soul mates and the most legendary couple that ever will be.

The party continues around them, and with that poignant awareness engrained in his heart Barney eventually manages to tear himself away from William Zabka – but not before getting him to sign his original _Karate Kid_ movie still and the belt of his Cobra Kai costume. Mingling with the others after that, Barney is happy to hear from his mom that she and Robin actually adore each other, despite Robin's non-virginity. He's also relieved to learn that Quinn's life is not a mess; he did not selfishly destroy her world as he'd supposed.

Another twenty minutes into the party and Ralph Macchio has to go, followed shortly thereafter by William Zabka and then Quinn, leaving only the main gang and Loretta. A little while after that Barney pulls Robin aside over to the Stormtropper for a moment of privacy. He doesn't like seeing her left hand bare. "I believe this belongs to you," he says softly, reaching into his pocket. "It got a little chipped from hitting the sidewalk." He frowns down at the ring. "But that's okay. I'll get it fixed."

"You don't have to worry," Robin smiles. "Look at it more closely. That's a decoy ring. The real one's in our bedroom. I wasn't going to risk anything happening to it. I wasn't even sure if you'd think to pick it back up."

Barney shakes his head in admiration. "You are impressively good at this."

She perks up her shoulders, posing for him. "You created a monster."

He laughs, carefree and contented, and takes her hand into his, linking their fingers. "Come on, I want to put that ring back on your finger."

Hand-in-hand, they head down the hallway until Marshall calls after them, "You aren't going off to have sex are you?"

Barney stops cold. "I am insulted, sir, by your implication that all Robin and I do together is have sex."

"Yeah," Robin agrees. "There are a good twelve hours left in any given day for other things." She gives her fiancé a wink and then pulls him the rest of the way into their bedroom. "I want to show _you_ something."

"Oh, so we _are_ having sex?" he teases. "Should I shut the door, or leave it open so we can get caught?" He hears her snicker softly at his joke while she walks over to the dresser where she picks up "The Barney" and places it in his hands. Skimming over the steps, his face lights up at her ingeniousness. "We are so framing this and putting it on the wall in here next to the TV."

Alongside where "The Robin" is already framed and hanging, he means, and Robin approves. "That's a great idea, Barney." She crosses over to her nightstand to retrieve her engagement ring, taking the play from him when she gets back to his side and setting it down on the dresser again so she can hand him the ring. "That way we can look at our two plays every night and see what a perfect pair we make."

"In whatever form, 'The Barney' always has to be next to 'The Robin'. That's how nature intended it. Like salt and pepper, yin and yang, thunder and lighting, lube and an all-nighter."

"Mmm," she nods, giving him that same little smirk she always gets when he's just said something she should be disgusted by but she actually finds amusing and endearing instead. Barney loves that smirk.

"What?" he asks innocently. "Yin and yang is actually a beautiful comparison. They're complementary, not opposing, like most people think. Together they form a whole that's greater than either separate part; that's us."

"Yeah," she laughs, "that really wasn't the part I got hung up on."

He shrugs, his expression mischievous. "The other part's true too."

Robin chuckles but turns serious when she looks down at the ring in his hand. "Barney, did you really think I would call off our wedding just like that?"

"It seemed like you had good cause. I gambled away our catering deposit; left you to deal with my mother alone – although she really is a lovely woman and I'm glad you brought her into the planning of – "

"Your mom loves me," Robin interrupts him, smiling with pride.

"Of course she does. What's not to love?" He crinkles his nose in thought as he adds to his list of the night's indiscretions. "I accidentally sold Marshall – though that was only for a couple hours. Then Quinn showed up and….well, you _are_ my Dahmer."

She nudges Barney playfully in mock outrage. "Which makes me a _Dobler_, remember?"

"We're both Doblers for each other," he concurs. "But I saw how crazy-jealous you got over Patrice. It stood to reason you'd call off our wedding if you thought I'd even thought about cheating with Quinn – which I never would have, by the way," he tells her sincerely. "Full disclosure though, I _was_ going to take a lap dance from her – but just the no-contact kind we agreed on, and only as a last resort because she was the only stripper Ted and Marshall were dumb enough to hire."

Robin shakes her head, smiling at such a thoroughly-Barney answer. "I know you wouldn't cheat. And as for all the other things, _I_ pushed you into them. You would have come home if it wasn't for my very specific, very focused manipulation."

"True. You have proven to be quite the little manipulator," he devilishly agrees, pulling her to him.

"One of the many things that makes us so well-suited."

"Robin Scherbatsky," Barney says, holding up the ring, "do you want to spend the rest of our lives loving each other, teasing each other, supporting each other, running plays on each other, and making insanely intense love to each other for as long as we both shall live?"

Robin's eyes are shining, her features aglow with love. "Absolutely I do."

Smiling tenderly, he slides the engagement ring back onto her finger. "Now don't ever take this off again." His eyes dance with appreciation. "Unless it's for another totally awesome play like the one you just pulled off."

Something about this moment – in _their_ bedroom, both of them overflowing with happiness, her mirroring play sitting on the dresser, and Barney still holding her hand in his, grazing his lips softly over her temple – and Robin is struck all at once with the enormity of how very much she loves him. The fullness of it bubbles up in her, overwhelming her senses. It surges over her heart until she's effervescent inside and erupting with it, like a whistling tea kettle filled to the brim with steam. She may burst from all this love if she doesn't let some of it out, express it, immerse _him_ in it too. "I love you," she whispers suddenly, taking that final step forward to bury herself in his arms, tucking her face into his neck and breathing him in.

For a moment he simply holds her, savoring the tangibility of the love she just expressed in the way she gently clings to him, in the soft way her nose is even now burrowing into the crook of his neck. He tucks her in closer against him, feeling every ounce of how much he loves her in return. So much love – her for him and him for her – flowing and combining, infusing into both of them until their hearts are replete with it.

He moves his hand up over her hair, stroking gently. "Robin Stinson," he sighs.

That makes her laugh softly, her warm breath sliding over his throat in a sensual caress. "Not quite yet," she murmurs into his skin.

"No, but soon; I'm thinking proactively." There was a time he didn't say it enough – didn't say it at all – and that not saying it, that not knowing is how he almost lost her. He's never making that same mistake again. Now he'll tell her every chance he gets. "Robin Scherbatsky, _very-soon-to-be_ Stinson, I love you more than you could ever know."

She lifts her face from his neck to smile into his eyes. That was her only intention. But he's gazing down at her in that soft and open, loving way he only looks at her, the way that makes her _want_ him as much as she loves him, and she can't keep her eyes from drifting down to his mouth. A heartbeat later, his do the same, and then they're both simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

The first rush of his lips touching hers is just subsiding and it's so good they're going in for more, only just getting started, when his mom interrupts them. "Oh sorry," Loretta titters knowingly, standing in the open doorway. "I didn't realize the others were right."

Robin looks briefly up to Barney as she brings her hands down from around his neck. "Right about what?" she asks, inching back a respectful distance from him in the presence of his mother.

"After you didn't come back out, they told me you really were in here having sex. That's why they all left. I thought they were probably joking, and if they were right I still didn't want to go without saying goodbye, at least through the door." She shoots them a little look. "Knowing what I do about the two of you, I didn't think it would interrupt your rhythm."

Barney makes a disgusted face. "Eck, _mom_."

"What?" she unknowingly echoes her son. It's said in such an identical tone to what Barney used a few minutes earlier after his lube joke that Robin has to smile. Loretta just leans toward her to conspiratorially whisper, "If you want, I can show you this amazing tantric move I learned from Bill Roster back in '82. It's – "

"Mr. Roster, our old mailman?" Barney's eyes turn sickened eyes. "No, don't say any more! I don't want to know! Just come here, I'll walk you to the door," he says, putting his arm around her shoulders.

While Barney's seeing his mom out, Robin looks around their bedroom and smiles to herself, thinking about the events of this very long day and night. Everything went off to a tee, and Barney couldn't have received it more ecstatically. She keeps seeing the image repeat over and over in her mind of Barney leaping onto William Zabka in a gleeful hug. That sort of delight was exactly what she'd been hoping for when she planned "The Barney".

But even though he obviously loved his bachelor party and it'll be far more memorable for him in years to come than the traditional party he once had in mind for himself, she still wants to give him a taste of that yet. After all, according to him, that's what every red-blooded, _three-quarters_ American male expects of his big night.

With that in mind, Robin doesn't go out to join Barney. She waits in their bedroom for him to come back to her instead. "Hey, is everyone really gone?" she asks when he walks through the door.

"Yeah," he nods. "Apparently Lily and Marshall had to get back to Marvin and couldn't wait – " He puts up air quotes. " – 'until we were done'. And Ted kept muttering something about nothing good happening after two a.m. – in which case he's only got twenty minutes to get home," Barney mocks.

Robin shakes her head fondly. "You and I have proven him wrong plenty of times. Sometimes two a.m. is just getting started."

He smiles, walking over to her. "I can't believe you did all this for me tonight. How long have you been planning it?"

"Weeks," she admits slyly. Setting her hands to his shoulder, she slides his suit coat down his arms and onto the floor. Then she pushes him down to sit on the edge of the bed. "But it isn't over yet. You wanted alone time during the strip show, and technically you got it, but I know that's not what you had in mind."

Robin picks up a remote off the desk and starts music playing, something low and sexy with a steady baseline he can feel pulsing through his body, and everything in him stands at attention, recognizing that smile of hers, fully aware of what's coming next.

"I know you, Barney." She starts swaying to the gentle beat, letting the music get inside her like a fever, letting it manipulate her body. "You want a strip tease, complete with a dance for the lap of honor. And that's exactly what you're going to get."

His pulse is already racing. Even five months in, it's ridiculous what she can do to him. "Am I?"

The hopefulness in his voice makes her smile. "I may not have the skills of a professional stripper but – "

"Baby, you have more than enough for me."

Now her smile heats up. "In that case….."

She rotates her hips to the song in a slow, circular momentum that already has him turned on, primed and ready. Her lips are blood red and she has black patent leather stilettos on and this is _Robin_ dancing for him and his mind is officially blown before she even comes near him. She does anyway though, backing into him, positioning herself between his legs. And he's had hundreds of lap dances. Literally hundreds of women – experts, specialists trained in the skill – have done this same thing for him. But those hundreds of lap dances pale in comparison. None of them had this same effect, this same power. None of them came even close to drawing this same intensity of feeling. Because none of them were _her_.

With her hands on Barney's knees, Robin brushes her bottom over his lap – here and then gone and then back again – in a forward-and-backward motion. Looking over her shoulder at him, holding his gaze, she teases him in rhythm to the music until he's grunting softly with each pass over his zipper, until she can tell how much he's aching for her. When she turns around to face him, he breathes her name, a whispered entreaty shaded with a hint of wonder that she's even real. And Robin smiles, her heart so full of love for him she's unable to resist breaking all the rules of professional stripping to lean down and brush her lips across his forehead and cheeks. Her eyes all gleaming seduction, she then switches their position, moving so he's between her legs now. "And, Barney, this is going to be a _full_ contact dance.

She sits down on his thighs lightly, and he's watching her so intently that she forgets the bachelor party lap dance for a moment because she simply wants to kiss her future husband, kiss the man she's been in love with for so long that it feels ingrained in her, intrinsically a part of who she is, loving Barney Stinson.

_Kissing_ Barney Stinson is her great weakness, one of her absolute favorite things in the world, and he responds to the kiss instantly because kissing Robin Scherbatsky is one of Barney Stinson's favorite things in the world too. They've never admitted it to the others – it's their private secret only – but sometimes, alone in their apartment, they'll simply kiss for what seems like hours. It might lead to actual sex – in bed, on the couch, or the floor, or wherever they happen to be at the moment when it gets too much and they need each other _now. _But other times the kissing alone is enough and after a prolonged session he'll simply run a smoothing hand over her hair, she'll straighten his tie, and then they'll go to dinner or show up at the bar to meet the gang, saving the lovemaking for later when it's dark and quiet and the two of them are snuggled up in the soft comfort of their sheets and each other.

But right now isn't one of those times. Right now, it's time to get back to Bro Mitzvah requirement number seven. Robin breaks off the kiss, looking down into Barney's heavy-lidded eyes. "The perks of getting your lap dance from the bride," she offers softly by way of explanation for their sudden makeout session.

"Forget the lap dance. The perks of having you for my bride are endless." His voice is low and silky, tripping over her nerve endings, awakening everything in her to wanting a whole lot more than just kissing from him right now.

"Oh, so you don't want the dance?" She starts to draw away as if to get up and like she knew he would, he grabs her waist to stop her, pulling her back. She smirks, all erotic confidence and passionate affection. "I must be doing it right then…."

"Robin, you _always_ do it right."

She arches her back, pushing her breasts toward his face in a non-too-subtle cue of what she wants, and with the languid gluttonous smile of a kid in a candy store he bends and tries to motorboat her but ends up with a mouthful of lace from the unfortunately high neckline of her top. Robin laughs softly at his plight. "This is where the 'strip' part comes in."

Untangling herself from him, she stands back up on her feet, but she doesn't have the layers on to support an elaborate strip tease or the patience to perform one at the moment. She'd rather dispense with the teasing and get right down to the enjoying. "It's gonna be less of a show and more just getting naked…." she shrugs, knowing he won't mind. But she does have enough showmanship left in her to turn around as she unzips her jumpsuit, a skill that years' worth of being single taught her to master on her own.

"You, naked, is all the show I need," Barney hums, his voice deep and thick and intimate. "Get naked slow, get naked fast, it doesn't matter. Just get back over here."

"Impatient," she murmurs over her shoulder. But she lets the jumpsuit fall to the ground, treating him to a glorious back view of her black thong before slowly turning to give him the front view of the coordinating strapless push up bra, both new…And now he realizes why she wouldn't let him watch her put them on earlier; she was saving things.

Robin slowly walks back to him, climbing onto the bed and straddling him – now nearly naked – and they both make a soft sound of approval as she begins gently grinding. "Is this the kind of dance you had in mind?"

"Only with you," Barney answers, lust lacing his tone. She rolls her hips, rubbing herself against him, and he hisses in a breath through his teeth at her work. "Only with you, I have _this_ in mind." He grabs her hips, pulling her sleek warmth even closer as he buries his face in her cleavage, running his hands over her thighs. He only makes it two seconds before he can't take it anymore and pulls her bra down to her waist.

Her mouth curls into an aroused smile as his gaze drops down over her. "Here's the other perk of getting the strip show from the bride. You don't just get to look; you get to touch." She grasps his hands, putting them on her breasts, and Barney takes over from there, caressing and kissing her, giving them what they both want.

Robin lets her mind drift, simply enjoying the sensation, enjoying the way he's loving her. And that's just it. Everything about his bachelor party tonight – how he did call her right away; and then it took multiple rounds of goading to get him to turn back from coming to her; and how he got so upset when he thought they were through that Quinn called him 'suicidal' – it all goes to show how very much he loves her. Knowing that turns Robin on like nothing else. More than hockey, more than bruises, his love for her warms her heart, warms her blood, until it's flowing fast and hot and insistent for him. She increases the tempo of her hips, placing a stabilizing hand on his shoulder to help her set a steady rhythm, and they both delight in the delicious friction. A soft moan escapes her feeling the hot moisture and steady suction of his open mouth on her breast, his tongue and teeth licking and tracing and gently tugging at her nipple, fulfilling and teasing all at once, intensifying her desire, spiraling it out of control – because he's every bit as good at this as he earlier claimed. "I want you, Barney," she pants, breathy and aching, the fingers of her free hand curling into his hair, cupping the base of his skull.

He looks up from her kissing her breast, his eyes heated and hungry and full of that same aching need. "Are you sure you do?" It seems like a silly question since she's already hooking her fingers into the edge of her thong and sliding it off. But…. "I remember what you said tonight about your napkin ring seeing a lot of breadsticks but only _one_ baguette, your Knicks' center. _I'm_ just a breadstick?" he asks with a half-pout she finds positively adorable.

"You aren't the one baguette, it's true." She takes off his tie. "But I still prefer Lil' Barney." His shirt gets unbuttoned next and tossed to the floor. "Both because I love you." Then her palms are against his bare chest, her hips slowly shimmying against him again. "And because you know how to use him better than anyone I've ever been with."

"Really?" Barney asks, seriously now, as he unhooks her bra from where it still sits around her waist and tosses it to the ground.

"Really," Robin confirms. She bends to brush her lips across his chest, licking a tantalizing stroke over each nipple that makes his fingers tighten reflexively against her skin. "But first, this is your Bro Mitzvah." She dips further down, pressing kisses over his stomach, leisurely skimming her mouth over every dip and curve of his abs. Then she slides off his lap down onto her knees, running her tongue down his obliques in a nibbling trail. "And what I've got in mind you're gonna like _much_ better than 'hand stuff'," she promises, unfastening his belt.

* * *

><p>"Hey," Barney frowns. It's closing in on three a.m. and he's propped up behind Robin supporting her body as she reclines against him, the blankets down to her waist. She just shifted slightly in the bed, inadvertently causing the sheet to rise with her movement, covering an inch or two of skin. "It's still my bachelor party until we go to sleep," he reminds her. His request until then was no pajamas, no clothes at all; he wants to look at her.<p>

"Sorry," she laughs, adjusting the sheet back down to her hips. "Although you know you can see me pretty much any time. You always do. You've seen the girls constantly, especially today. But, since that's what you want, I'll stay naked _all_ night for you."

Barney's face lights up, his eyes anticipative. "Does that mean….."

Robin strokes his thigh through the sheet. "What you do with all that nudity is entirely up to you….but _I'm_ thinking an all-nighter."

He sighs, dropping a kiss to her shoulder and weaving his arm around her bare waist. "How did I get so lucky?" She smiles, linking her hand through his on her lap, and he starts playing with her fingers, gently polishing her engagement ring with his thumb. "It's after midnight, so just think," he whispers, "in two more weeks we'll have matching rings."

"Yes, we will. And I'm going to love putting that ring on _your_ finger, making you officially mine."

The hint of light possessiveness in her tone makes him laugh softly. It calls to mind the Patrice debacle and the images of Robin slinking through the apartment, desperate to do anything to break them up. He still remembers that zip of pure happiness watching it all go down on his phone, having even further concrete proof that she really does love him like crazy. "How _did_ I get so lucky?" Barney repeats. "I'm marrying my best friend, someone who knows me inside and out, someone who named a customized play after me – not to mention ran several other _Playbook_ plays on me last fall – someone who's willing to voicemail stalk a beloved eighties icon just to make my every last bachelor party wish come true.…..Thank you, Robin. I really mean it."

She can hear the awe in his voice, and while she's pleased she feels like it's not quite warranted. She went to a lot of trouble to make this the best day imaginable for him, but she did it because she wants to see him happy. He deserves that and so much more. And what she did was no more special than what _he_ did for her. His weeks' worth of careful planning to get her to come to her senses and admit her feelings for him, making it possible for the two of them to be happy together right now, that was more elaborate and involved than her Bro Mitzvah play – and it was accomplished with far less help. Sometimes she thinks he doesn't even realize how good he is to others without expecting anything in return. "You did the same for me, Barney," she points out.

"But that's just it, Robin. We did do the _same thing_ for each other. You planned a play for _me_. That's _huge_. Before you came into my world, I had the others, but it wasn't the same. I'd hang out with them, sure, but not every night like I did once you entered into the picture. _You_ drew me in. Ted and Marshall and Lily, they tried, and we've all been good friends, but I was always on the outside, the periphery. I used to go around forever saying that I was Ted's best friend but….I knew I wasn't his. Marshall and Lily and Ted were like a little trio. _I_ was the outsider. Then suddenly there you were, and you were – you _are_ – amazing. Robin, you fulfilled something in me that I'd been yearning for forever: someone who would truly understand me and not just patronize and placate me; someone who would appreciate all of my awesome ways and not just tolerate them; someone who would actually _want_ to go along on adventures, not just throw me a bone out of pity now and then after I begged them." He shakes his head in wonder. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve you but I wish it would have happened years ago. We could have had all that extra time together."

Robin turns her head where it's resting against his shoulder to look up at him. "Barney, I'm so lucky to be marrying my best friend too. You weren't the only outsider. I've felt that way my _entire life_. But thanks to you and that tap on my shoulder, I got introduced to Ted and through him fell into the mix of this little family. And into you." She laughs softly thinking back on it. "I thought you were outrageous and crazy in the cutest way, and funny and sharp, so clever and bright and dauntingly perceptive, and charismatic and charming – _dangerously_ charming. And we just instinctively got each other. I met my match in you, Barney. It was like coming homing. I wasn't the outsider anymore." She cranes her neck to kiss him tenderly before turning playful again. "But I'm glad you liked your Bro Mitzvah enough to get sentimental on me."

"I didn't just _like_ it. It was beyond perfect. Even _I_ couldn't have planned it any better. How did you get this awesome?"

"You and your awesome ways must be rubbing off on me."

"Or we were just made for each other, two halves of a whole." He purses his lips reflectively. "I never understood that; I thought it was a dumb saying. Until I met you."

"I know," she nods her agreement. "Me too. When I was young, I _wanted_ to believe it, that people were 'made for each other', but life taught me not to. And then I stumbled upon Barney Stinson and that made all the difference."

"It usually does," he teases with that Barney swagger she loves so much, and Robin giggles lightly, curling her body to fit his beneath the sheet.

"I can't believe it's almost our _wedding_. And this, us, right now – free and easy and fun with so much love there between us – _this_ is what I used to dream about," she reveals. "I know I don't talk about it much, but I am so thankful I met you, Barney. There I was, only a few months in New York, lonely and looking for friends – real friends, _close_ friends. What I really craved most of all was acceptance and caring, a true connection. A romantic relationship was the furthest thing from my mind, but _love_ is what I needed. And there you were." She turns to look at him again. "Barney, do you realize the odds that on that particular night I just happened to walk into MacLaren's of all places? I'd never been there before. A work friend of mine wanted to go, and she almost picked another bar. Her other friend was running late and the original bar was across town so she changed it to MacLaren's at the last minute. If that woman – I can't even remember her name – hadn't been running late, if I hadn't come to MacLaren's that night, we never would have met. Or if it had been just a day sooner then Marshall wouldn't have proposed yet and Ted wouldn't have been so marriage-crazed and you never would have introduced us. And if it had been a day later, Ted may have already latched on to someone else. I mean, this is Ted we're talking about; he probably would have," she adds and feels Barney's chest gently shake with laughter against her back. "_Everything_ would have been different…..Do you think _that's_ what people mean by 'destiny'?"

"Absolutely." He reaches up and runs his hand over her hair, toying with a tendril where it falls against his chest. "Are you kidding, Robin? Finding you was like being thrown a lifeline. I didn't know someone like you could even exist. It absolutely was fate."

Robin looks down at their still-interlaced fingers and she smiles, testing the words out on her tongue. "We were meant for each other." And even for a skeptic from her teenage years, it just sounds right – it _feels_ right – exactly like what she used to dream of back when she was forced into boys clothes but still very much had a young girl's heart. "It's destiny. We were made for each other. Robin and Barney."

He cuddles her closer, pressing a kiss to her temple that sends a soft little shiver running through her. In fact, she's starting to cry…This is shockingly close to a Marshmallow and Lilypad, mushy-gushy moment. They're often tender and always loving, but they only do mushy-gushy in limited quantities; that's just who they are and always will be. "So," she says, taking a deep breath, "are we going to keep waxing poetic? Looking into each other's eyes and whispering sweet nothings? Or should I read aloud to you more of Ted's dream journal? I still can't believe he hasn't asked for it back."

Barney chuckles, his eyes dancing happily down at her. "That's tempting. We _were_ just getting to Ted's reoccurring sex dream about Marshall."

"Technically they haven't consummated it yet," she corrects him.

"Oh, it's coming – pun intended." He smirks devilishly. "But we're not going to do any of those things."

"We aren't?" Robin sits up completely now, turning to look at Barney with eager curiosity, ready for their next adventure.

"Nope. Tomorrow, we read the journal. Tonight, there are _hours_ left till dawn and the end of my Bro Mitzvah." He sits up now too, his eyes turning playfully wanting as he draws her against him, chest to chest, skin to skin. Then he raises his eyebrow suggestively. "It's time to hydrate for more."

And Robin's laughter fills the apartment as Barney pulls her from their bed and toward the kitchen, both birthday suited-up.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I recently realized that I've never properly thanked everyone for all of their reviews. But I want to assure you that I read each and every one of them and they really do mean so much to me and give me great encouragement. So thank you to everyone who's ever wrote a review!

Also, I just wanted to let you know I'm still working on the rest of Season 8 (and I'm excited to carry this story through the remainder of the series for Season 9 too), but I appreciate your patience while waiting in between my updates for 8.22-8.24. My mother was recently diagnosed with a serious medical condition (she has a very positive prognosis so everything is looking quite hopeful) and I'm her primary caregiver, so lately when I'm not at work almost all of my time has been caring for her and going to various doctor's appointments and surgeries and chemo and such. I'm going to keep writing of course, but over these first weeks of the summer the chapters for 8.23 (which I _have_ started on) and 8.24 aren't going to be updated nearly as quickly as I usually do because of that. I just want people to know that I haven't stopped writing and it's not going to become a habit of mine to keep everyone hanging for weeks but I do have some unfortunate extenuating circumstances right now that make finding the time to write a little more difficult. But I have by no means quit and there will be an update eventually!


	47. 823

**Something Old**

* * *

><p><em>I'll always be there, as frightened as you, to help us survive.<em>

* * *

><p>It's the fourteenth of May, a Tuesday evening, and after signing off on more eleventh-hour wedding planning details, Barney and Robin are in a cab heading home from dinner when she gets a call from her dad.<p>

Such calls are still so rare and far between – especially with him calling her and not the other way around – that Robin jumps to answer.

"R.J.," she hears his stern but familiar voice, and she instantly feels fourteen again and never anywhere close to good enough. "Er, _Robin_," he corrects himself, sighing. "I forgot you insist on being called that now."

"Well, it _is_ my name." She starts to feel a pounding in her temples, the start of the customary stress headache she always gets whenever talking to her father. But then she takes a deep breath and reminds herself that their relationship has made tremendous strides over the past five months and she's not taking that for granted. "Hi, Dad. How have you been?"

"I'm fine. Carol's fine. And I trust you and Barney are as well?" The question is cursory, without an answer expected or possibly even wanted, and clearly only asked because it occurred to him that it's something he _ought_ to say. But at least he's making an effort; she figures that's a good thing. Hell, compared to the last nineteen years of her life, that's a _great_ thing. "I received your second RSVP card in the mail last month with an updated menu choice. Very unorthodox. Can't say I approve."

There goes that pounding again. "That's because there was a problem with the original caterer. It wasn't our fault. It's a long story, and I – "

"It fell apart in negotiations, didn't it? That's Business 101, what every young man should know by the age of twelve. I taught you better than that, Robin. You're not going soft on me _all_ around are you? With your fiancé an executive at GNB, I would've thought at least _he_ could handle his business affairs properly. But then he _did_ name the rabbit," he says in disgust.

"We _have_ handled our affairs, Dad," Robin answers him, feeling herself starting to lose her patience. "It's taken care of, as evidenced by the new caterer. And, yes, I'm fine by the way. Barney is too."

"Of course you are. You're a Scherbatsky. Scherbatskys are hearty stock, even if you did happen to be born female." She can hear the never-ending regret in his voice, but she tries not to let it bother her. That's _his_ problem not hers, something Barney convinced her of after her last big fight with her dad, and she tries to keep telling herself that. "But that's not the matter at hand," her father continues. "The matter at hand is the whole giving you away and one dance matter, as per our agreement back in January."

"Yes, I remember." Robin remembers all too well what happened back in January. That's when she learned that her father got married again without so much as telling her he was dating, and he moved to New York and had been living twenty minutes away from her for months without visiting her even once – and yet he still expected her to allow him to dictate who she can and can't marry, and even what gender she's allowed to be. But he apologized, she reminds herself. Barney got him to apologize, and he's trying here so she should just take what she can get.

"We have to meet to lock down the details," her father insists, his tone implying _she's_ at fault for not already realizing that. "I don't know anything about this walking down the aisle, father and…." He pauses, reluctant to say the word, but he finally manages to get it out – though he says it as if it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. "…._daughter_ dancing business."

Robin feels her fingers balling up at her sides in frustration. She gets it; he wanted a son. But there have been plenty of parents over the years that didn't get the gender they were hoping for and also never made their child feel like a pariah. "It's not hard, Dad," she sighs. "Surely you've at least seen it in a movie."

"Carol _does_ love the American actor Steve Martin," he acknowledges. "She's made me watch the movie _Father of the Bride_ several times."

It still irks Robin a little, all the changes he's made for this Carol woman – who she's still never met – when he wouldn't even try for _her_, but he's making strides now and she's trying to honor that. "See, there you go."

There's a second of silence and then he responds, his voice dripping with dread. "I imagine you want something girly and emotional, like in the film?"

"I don't know. I just want something…." Robin sighs exasperatedly. "….normal." Can't they ever have a single genuine, affectionate moment and memory that just happens naturally?

"If that's what you want, I suppose I can do it. But it's important to meet _before_ the wedding weekend to sort out the particulars. I don't want to look like a fool, and you shouldn't either, Robin. Preparation is key – another thing I taught you and your old hockey teammates."

Right now she doesn't feel like touching those days with a ten foot pole, so she simply answers, "Sure. We can get together to talk about."

"I'm thinking lunch this Friday. It doesn't give us very much time to iron out the details, but it's the soonest I have available. I really expected to hear from you before now." Again, he makes her feel like it's _her_ fault and she never can quite please him. "By then the wedding will be in just nine days, but I'll make do with what I'm given."

"Okay. I'll be there." Truth be known, Robin just wants this conversation to be over. She and Barney were having a fun evening up until now and she doesn't want her dad to ruin that. Dealing with him just makes her so tired and leaves her emotionally spent. "Pizzazzy's again, right?"

"One o'clock sharp. And bring Barney too. I'll want him in on this."

"Alright, Barney too."

"See you in three days."

"See you, Dad," she says, ending the call.

The whole time Barney was following the conversation closely, watching for signs of trouble in Robin's expression, and while the usual stress associated with her dad crept up now and again on her face, it didn't seem too horrific this time around. "That didn't sound so bad," he remarks, but even so he tightens the supportive arm he's had around her shoulders ever since she answered the call.

"Could've been worse," Robin shrugs, feeling a bit….off now. "It's still so shocking to see my dad actually making an effort toward warmth and consideration. Even if it is a mild one, it's still an effort."

"It's about time, isn't it?"

"Yes. I guess." There's just something about their conversation that doesn't sit right with Robin and she can't yet pinpoint what it is. She assumes it's the very weirdness of her dad trying to be there for her at all. "It's just that for the longest time I didn't think he even had it in him. I hoped, but I didn't really believe it. This sudden about-face is like a childhood dream come true. It might take a little while to trust it." She shakes her head, tries to shake off the disquieted feeling invading her senses. "Anyway, he wants me to go to lunch with him on Friday to talk about his role in our wedding. He asked that you come too."

Barney grins at that. "So he hasn't disowned me yet."

"Even though you've gone back to your proper hair color," she teases, setting her hand to the nape of his neck and pushing her fingers up into his short blond locks. "Nope, it doesn't seem like he has."

That's good news, considering the man's former refusal of his permission, and it's got Barney thinking. "But, you know, now that the wedding's been bumped to Sunday…." Which was yet another _enormous_ hill on this wedding-planning rollercoaster – moving the date to the 26th – but one they've managed to survive without jumping the tracks. "….we're going to be spending the whole weekend in Farhampton. Both of our families. _All_ of us together. It might be a good idea if I tried to make your dad like me a little bit more and not just let me marry you because _you_ insisted. Maybe I should meet up with him again, just the two of us, and see if I can't make him succumb to the ol' Stinson charm." He smiles at her, throwing her a naughty wink. "It _did_ win his daughter over."

"Yeah, but he's a _guy_," Robin points out the obvious. "You can't seduce my dad."

Barney holds up a finger and he has that look he gets when he's about to expound on his latest theory, blog entry, or tweet. "Actually, there's not that much difference between seducing a woman and charming a business client – or in this case, future father-in-law. You'd be surprised. I proved it on Ted, remember? But, more to the point, I'm highly offended." He puts his arm back around her, his hand dropping down to her waist now as he draws her against him. "Robin, I didn't _just_ seduce you, I made you fall head over heels in love with me."

His tone is so very Barney she can't help the smile that's dancing on her lips. "Is that what you did?"

"Mm-hm. I had you chasing after me like a lovesick school girl."

He did. She was skulking around in his closet like some kind of besotted stalker – and that's to say nothing about her arrest for attacking a woman on his behalf. But since then she's learned that _he_ did a lot of pining over her too, which isn't to mention the many months he spent trying to get her into bed in the first place. "Like _you_ weren't just as crazy about me."

"Oh, I was crawling on the floor at your feet," he freely admits. "I'm just happy you finally decided to join me down there."

She snuggles closer to him, sliding her hand over onto his thigh. "I was always down there too. I just couldn't let myself admit it."

Barney leans in and kisses her, and like every kiss they've ever shared it feels so right in a way they can't even begin to verbalize. "So you don't mind if I call your dad?" he asks once they break away.

Robin smiles and her free hand plays over the knot of his tie. The effort Barney's made with her largely-unreasonable father has been sweet from the get-go, and he's still going above and beyond on her behalf. "I think you should. It's a great idea, Barney. What's not to like about my two men bonding?"

He smiles, pleased with that answer, and she settles back against the seat for the ride home.

But all the while, Robin can't seem to shake this unsettled feeling her father stirred up with his call. It wasn't just the very nature of talking to him and facing their complicated relationship. It was something specific that he said that first started this slight sinking feeling. It was hard to concentrate on it when she was still dealing with her dad, but now that she's off the phone and her mind is freed up, it suddenly comes back to her, hitting like a ton of bricks what part of the conversation is niggling in her mind. _By then the wedding will be in just nine days_. Nine days. _That's_ the part that's bothering her. She can't believe the wedding has come that quickly. The thought causes a little pit in the bottom of her stomach.

Barney's been subtly studying Robin again ever since she grew quiet. Such silence in the wake of a conversation with her dad is never a good thing, and when he sees the way her expression is pulled tight he has to gently ask, "What?"

Robin almost jumps in her seat at the sound of his voice she was so focused on her own thoughts, pulled in on herself. "Hmm? What 'what'? What do you mean?"

"You have that little look on your face that says something's got you thinking. What is it?"

Robin can't tell him about the pit in her stomach. It wasn't all that long ago that he was having panic attacks over his own pit. She doesn't want to start _his_ up again, or give him cause to worry, so she tries to make her answer as vague as possible. "It's just, when my dad arranged our meeting on Friday, he said, 'That'll be nine days from your wedding'." She shakes her head in surprise. "It's so hard to believe it's almost here already. I guess it just hit home for the first time. I mean, logically I knew it was coming soon, but that's – that's _ridiculously _soon, you know?"

"Yeah. It is," Barney nods. "But the sooner the better, right?" He takes her hand is his and kisses it, looking out the window with a smile on his face.

But the pit in Robin's stomach is firmly entrenched.

* * *

><p>The next morning, though Robin's taken a personal day from WWN, Barney gets ready for GNB as usual. He has to go in for at least a little while this morning – he's getting ahead on some work for all the time he'll miss while they're on honeymoon – but he plans to head out around noon for a little bonding time with Robin Sr..<p>

When they got home last night, Barney called him to schmooze, but he kept their plans for today a secret from Robin; he wants to surprise her tonight with the story of her dad's newfound love for him.

Barney pauses at the couch on his way out the door, immaculately suited up as always. "I'll see you later," he says, bending down to her.

Robin smiles and kisses him goodbye, and the genuine smile is still on her lips even as he walks out the door….But once he's gone it's a different story. Once she doesn't have him there with her, she can no longer ignore how the pesky little pit in her stomach has rooted deeply – and now, after a largely sleepless night, it's grown unignorably.

She gets up, pours herself another cup of coffee, tries her best to shake it off, but the feeling won't go away. It's there as she adds a splash of creamer. It's still there as she stirs the milky swirls into her coffee until it's a uniform cream color. It refuses to subside as she slumps back down onto the couch, biting her lip anxiously.

What her father said yesterday keeps plaguing her mind, because it's finally hit her: she, Robin Scherbatsky is getting _married_ – getting married in just over a week. She doesn't know what it was about that one particular statement that struck her like a bucket of ice water versus the other wedding planning she's been doing all this time, with the same names and dates and deadlines and weekly updates. Whatever it is, her mind has fastened onto it and it won't let her be. Maybe it's because _he_ was the one saying it and along with the reminder driving home the cold reality of her shortcomings like he's done her entire life. Or maybe her dad just made it tangible until she couldn't deny it any longer. But it's sunk in like a stone that Friday marks nine days. Nine days. Single digits. That's nothing, here and then gone. Only _nine_ days.

Since she hit the two week mark, she's started to feel nerves bubbling up. And now with the single digit countdown approaching….well, they're not so much 'bubbling' anymore. They're erupting like a geyser. And, okay, it's not exactly nerves. More like anxiety. _Fear_. Like Barney's panic attacks. Not because she doesn't want this; she _does_. But the thought of _really_ doing this, actually getting married in just nine days, is scary…..Make that terrifying.

Robin downs her coffee, hoping the onslaught of caffeine will knock some sense back into her, carry away the fear like it does her afternoon sleepiness. It doesn't work though, even after drinking her second cup. She doesn't know what's wrong with her, why she has to feel this way, why this profound worry and fear has overtaken her. She was surprisingly okay with the thought of getting married all this time, but now that it's here and looming, she's starting to seriously freak out.

She can't really call it 'cold feet' because 'cold feet' implies some doubt about the relationship, and there are no doubts about what she and Barney have. She _knows_ it's true love; she _knows_ that Barney is the One; she _knows_ that he loves her like mad, doesn't doubt for that for a second. But love isn't the issue here. Marriage is. And is love, even love like mad, enough to make a marriage work? She knows now for sure that Barney loves her insanely and has all this time, and of course she loves him insanely and has all this time right back. She's secure in that love, but…..

And there it is: but.

Or maybe it's not a 'but'; maybe it's more a 'what if'.

Because she can't help but think about when they dated before – when they were briefly _engaged_ before. And her memory cuts from that to the image of them sad and defeated in that diner, to Barney saying, "I'm not happy." She can still feel – actually, _physically _feel – the pain, the intense sadness, the absolute heartbreak she experienced back then trying to let him go. "But we love each other," she'd whispered in reply. And that's the thing; they _did_ love each other then too, but that didn't stop them from falling apart. Maybe sometimes love just isn't enough. Maybe sometimes people are just too dysfunctional for it to be enough.

To be fair, she recognizes – _of course_ she recognizes – that they've matured a lot since then. Marshall and Lily once admonished them about the importance of being able to put the other person's interests first. She and Barney laughed at the time, but that certainly hasn't been a problem for them since then. They've proven over the years how strong and selfless and self-sacrificing their love is. For her, there was the way she helped Barney through meeting his dad for the first time and resolving the lifelong issues between them; all the stuff with the Arcadian; getting arrested to help him with Nora – and giving him the right words at Punchy's wedding too. Without a doubt, she wants _his_ happiness above all else. And Barney's proved the same thing. The ways he's grown and changed are countless. He's not only said it but his actions have actively demonstrated how much he wants commitment and how he wants to be committed to _their_ love most of all. His elaborate proposal, the exploding of the last remaining copy of _The_ _Playbook_, the way he was willing to give up his beloved apartment for her, the showers of 'I love you's ever since he came to realize that she once doubted he did – they all go to show that _her_ happiness and the wellbeing of their relationship is Barney's number one priority too. They've both exhibited their ability to "get into the real stuff" and make sacrifices for each other.

But as the days have counted down from two weeks, then less, and now almost into single digits, her longstanding, all-too-familiar fears about Barney and about their ability to shift this relationship into a marriage that will last forever – her doubts about _any_ marriages lasting forever – have cropped back up again. He loves her, yes, but what if he's still not ready? It's only been about a year and a half since he even decided to try again at a honest to goodness, actual relationship rather than just a string of one-night-stands; one year since he opened his mind and heart to wanting a _permanent_ commitment, to wanting marriage at all; only seven months since he was still screwing random pickups and every nanny in town – and she understands _why_ he was acting that way, but still, to go from _that_ to married in so short a period of time is a huge turnaround. It's only been five months since he proposed to her – and she doesn't doubt that he meant it, that this is what he truly wants, but wanting something doesn't necessarily make you ready for it.

Case in point: herself. She undeniably wants this with him, but is _she_ ready for marriage?

She honestly doesn't know the answer to that.

For years, she was certain that marriage wasn't for her. The thought made her break out into a cold sweat. Ted didn't change that. Kevin didn't change that. None of those guys could change that. Marriage was too frightening. It was a risk not worth taking, and to top it off she didn't really _want_ it with any of them. Now, she wants it with Barney. Marriage hasn't made her break out into a cold sweat with Barney. But that's just it. She wants it _so_ much with him that the thought of it not working out is terrifying to her. That's why she always ran away from happiness, because of the fall afterwards – and there's never _not_ been a fall.

Back when she was a perpetually single woman looking for nothing more than a casual fling, she'd forever hear the platitude oft quoted by her friends who touted love and commitment that those on the other side "don't know what they're missing". But now she _does_. She does know. She knows thoroughly, wonderfully well what she was missing out on all those years.

Having that wrenched away, losing Barney, would be _devastating_, something she'd never come back from.

And that _could_ happen.

Because, let's face it, marriage is beautiful in concept but it's an enigma. She's only ever seen one successful marriage – and dozens more that turned out to be absolute nightmares, her parents' topping that list. They taught her very early on what the ugliest side of marriage looks like, what it can turn people into. And even with that one successful marriage, Marshall and Lily's, they still have their ups and down. They still have to work at it. That's just it; marriage _is_ work. It doesn't just happen. You _have_ to work at it.

Sometimes when she was younger, back during her summer breaks at college, Robin used to visit her aunt on her farm in upstate New York. She loved her aunt and she'd be so excited for them to go out and do something fun together, but there were always the chores first that had to be done around the farm before her aunt could go. Robin's argument every time was that you plant the seed and then it's done; you're good to go. But her aunt would smile and tell her, "The garden will grow on its own, Robin, true enough, but if you want it to be healthy and strong, if you want it to _last_, you have to tend to it, care for it, keep the elements from working their way in and weakening and destroying it."

Robin learned firsthand on her aunt's farm that keeping a flourishing garden is hard work and a continual process, and now she sees that marriage is the same way. And it isn't that she's not willing to put in that work. She is. She wants her marriage with Barney to thrive and grow and she would do anything to protect it, anything to make it last and endure. She doesn't mind putting in the work it takes. She doesn't mind doing the tending…But what if she just doesn't have a green thumb? That happens to people. They try their hardest, they want it so badly, but they're just horrible at it. Come to think of it, she's killed every houseplant she's ever had – until she gave up and stopped trying.

What if she can't nurture a marriage either? She's not exactly the nurturing type. What if she screws it up and ruins it like she did all of those once-thriving but after a week with her dry and withered plants? She and Barney love each other, but there's no denying they've been the king and queen of dysfunction. All of that dysfunction separately would naturally cause fears about their ability to have a happy, functional marriage. And _combining_ their two dysfunctions….She isn't an idiot. She knows how it looks, what people must be thinking about her and Barney's chances of making it to their golden anniversary.

They've changed and grown so much since their first relationship didn't work out. Emotionally speaking, they were like babies back then, and now they've matured and come into their own, both individually and as a couple. But maybe they're still not ready. Maybe the timing's still not right. How will they know? That question just keeps tormenting her mind. They both didn't believe in commitment or marriage for the longest time – or, rather, they didn't believe in _their_ ability to do marriage, to make it work. What if they were right to think that? What if they're still not quite there, not quite able – either one of them – to go the distance? What if they simply can't make it work and their marriage falls apart and then they've gone too far and hurt too much to even save the friendship and she loses him altogether?

Robin knows she's being irrational and ridiculous. She knows it's stupid and that she's only letting her wildest, deep-rooted old fears – the same fears that kept her from happiness with Barney all these years – get inside her head. But as it draws closer and closer to their wedding, the panic is taking ahold of her and she doesn't know how to shut it off and make it stop. This is ingrained behavior for her. This is her MO. No matter how much she wants something, no matter how sure she is, at the last minute she panics and every possible fear of every conceivable way it could go wrong gets the better of her and that impulse to run away, to seek safety, kicks in.

_So afraid of any kind of change, so terrified of anything new, so desperate to cling to anything comfortable and familiar_. That's how she put it when she tried to back out of moving to Japan; she knew herself even then. She knew the same thing always happened, the same panicked feelings always switched on, every time she ever went for a new job opportunity, or her first day of college, or the afternoon of the modeling try-out that launched her Robin Sparkles career. Because with every chance you take, you make yourself vulnerable to the danger of failure.

What if that's what happens with her and Barney? They say that half of marriages fail. _Half_. It's like back when Marshall was waiting for his bar results and she had that same freak-out on his behalf after she learned that half the people fail. That's a staggering statistic. The odds of a marriage _not_ ending in heartbreak and divorce aren't good going in, and then – as her harried mind keeps repeatedly establishing – they _are_ the undisputed king and queen of dysfunction to boot. That's got to lower their odds of survival to, like, thirty percent. And what if they just can't do this, the conventional? What if it's too much for them?

She remembers Barney's encounter with Liddy at MacLaren's. And so what? He wanted a glance at her redonkulous boobs. She doesn't see that as a big deal; _she_ wanted to look too. But what does trouble her is that Barney was clearly afraid to ask Liddy to take her coat off, to put himself to that test of giving out the 'forever committed' vibe, and while she was fairly confident that he _would_ pass – otherwise she never would have insisted he ask; she likes to live in denial too – now she's starting to wonder if his alarmed reluctance goes to show that _he_ must be having these same fears too. _He_ must be wondering if he's ready too.

And he makes little comments, little jokes sometimes. She dismisses them as Barney being Barney – and it _is_ that, that's all it is; she knows he wouldn't cheat on her. But maybe Barney being Barney proves that he's not ready to be a husband. And maybe the fact that she truly does accept it, that she _loves_ Barney being Barney and doesn't want him to change too much, shows that _she_ herself is not ready to be a wife. Shouldn't a husband renounce such comments, and shouldn't a wife be offended by those little jokes from her husband? If you go by Lily and Marshall, if you go by what Ted says about relationships, then they certainly should. They should be calling each other personalized nicknames and telling each other everything they ate and never so much as glancing at another person. Maybe the fact that they don't quite measure up to that means that she and Barney aren't yet husband and wife material. What if they get married anyway and they just can't handle it and then they crash and they burn? No survivors. Dead on impact.

Robin knows what's happening here. These same kinds of fears, these worries that she won't measure up and only get her heart broken and her dreams crushed, always get all up in her head whenever she tries for anything worthwhile. She gets that about herself. In fact, she really should have been more prepared because this always happens without fail: Robin Sparkles, college, Japan, the list goes on and on. But of all of her last-minute panics, it was never worse than the night before she moved to New York. She wanted it; there was no doubt of that. It had been her dream since she was fourteen and in a rare moment of capitulation her dad finally gave in to her begging and took her to the city. She fell in love with it instantly and was determined to live there herself someday. She knew without a doubt that was where her life and her future and her happiness _were_ going to be. That was always the plan she was working toward, and yet when she was on the very brink of doing just that she very nearly chickened out. Good old Red Deer Channel 22 threw her a going away party, and everyone was so sure she was going to be such a big success. Everyone but her….well, and her dad too.

After the party she went home, back to her empty apartment, and got drunk – absurdly drunk – swearing she was never leaving Alberta. Because her life in Canada was comfortable. It was _familiar_. She knew what she was getting, what to expect every day. New York was the unknown. It was breathtakingly exciting and everything she ever wanted, but it was scary. It meant taking an enormous risk. Every day people came to New York to seek their future and their happiness, and every day people left in heartbreak and disgrace because that same dream fizzled and died. She was fearful to take that chance herself, to risk _her_ dreams getting crushed and _her_ heart getting broken. That's why she decided not to go. That's why she got drunk and burrowed into the safety of her bed where the world couldn't touch her and nothing could hurt her. She literally hid under her covers. The next morning she had a killer hangover and overslept, nearly missed her flight. But when she did wake up, she looked around and was disgusted with herself for being such a coward. Her inner voice chastised her, _What the hell are you doing, Scherbatsky? You're not throwing your future away just because you're scared. Now get your crap together, get up out of this bed, and go make your life happen!_

And that's how it's always been: the bold, confident adventurer in her, the self-possessed woman who's sure of what she wants and won't let anything stop her from getting it, is constantly at war with the scared, vulnerable, wounded little girl who used to hide away in her bedroom to avoid her parents' fights and, later, her father's wrath for acting too much like the adolescent woman she was becoming. That vulnerable, scared part of her just wants to protect herself from any more pain. So, to this day, whenever any real risk is involved, that part of her has a tendency to rear up and win out. She goes into cold, blind, survival mode.

Robin knows that's what she's experiencing right now, about to say 'I do' to the biggest dream she's ever had – and the scariest one too, because nothing and no one has ever had a hold on her heart the way that Barney does. She's never wanted anything half as much as she wants this future life with him. But only days away from taking the largest risk of her life that will have the largest payoff too, that same old fear is taking over and she feels herself going into survival mode again.

But she also knows logically that this _is_ a risk worth taking. Look what would have happened if she never got it together and never came to New York, never took _that_ risk. Because she did beat the odds. It _did_ work out for her. She did get everything she set out wanting, and if she never took that chance she never could have gotten any of it. She'd still be back in safe, steady Canada – bored and unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and alone. There is absolutely no doubt that, despite the risk, moving to New York was the right choice to make, the right leap to take.

And she feels the same way about her and Barney and this marriage. But the trouble is right now that's still a part of the future. She doesn't have the benefit of hindsight like she does with her move to New York. So she's caught somewhere between rationality – knowing what she wants, knowing what she _needs_ – and blind fear of what might happen to her, of how she might fail, of how it could all fall apart.

Emotionally caught, stuck between the two, rationality and fear completely at odds in her tormented mind, Robin isn't sure why it comes to her now, but it does. It probably has something to do with all her contemplation about first moving to New York City and, therefore, the day that dream was fully formed. But whatever makes her think of it, like kismet, she suddenly remembers her locket.

The first time her dad took her to New York, it was as part of a "father-son bonding trip". That's actually what he called it. But even forcibly being raised as a boy, with no nurturing, no kindness, and her life put in danger many times in the spirit of "making her into a man" – the wolves in the woods were just the tip of the iceberg – there was still a part of her heart that wouldn't, that _couldn't_, forget who she really was inside.

On that trip to New York, they visited Central Park together. He hated it; she loved it. But what's important is she was wearing her grandmother's locket. It passed down to her on the day she turned thirteen, and it served as a reminder that at least someone, somewhere, at some time, recognized her as a blossoming _woman_. Because of that she cherished it from the moment she received it and she wore it around almost constantly. She had this secret hope she could never tell anyone, but she used to promise _herself_ anyway, that one day when she met the right guy – her soul mate – she'd put a picture of the two of them inside of her locket and carry it close to her heart. That's the thing about being thirteen; you still have so much blind hope. Over the next year, as her heart and her body insisted more and more that she was in fact a woman – making her father's obsession with keeping his 'son' only grew more fanatical – that locket came to represent all of Robin's girlish dreams of love and marriage that she had to literally keep hidden under her shirt so her dad wouldn't see; she told him it was a hockey medal. But it was becoming increasingly difficult to hide the locket from him, and if her father ever found it he would instantly take it away from her forever, along with delivering a severe punishment for displaying such feminine tendencies.

Still, her young heart refused to let go of her dreams or love – dreams that now included one day moving to New York, finding and falling in love with her 'sophisticated big city man', marrying him because he would be absolutely perfect for her, and living happily ever after together. Later on, the hockey teammate kiss and her father disowning her because of it, and then all the difficulties with her mom, the Robin Sparkles years, and Simon and a slew of other deadbeat boyfriends all worked together to kill off those dreams – except the tiniest of seeds she kept buried, somehow still alive in her heart.

And now those dreams had actually come true. She was living in New York, in a fantastic apartment, with the job of her dreams, her career taking off, and about to marry the love of her life, a guy who can make her heart flutter with just the simplest look, the silliest joke, or the sweetest kiss. Yet here she is with all these old fears cropping up again: fear of failure, fear that she'll never be good enough, fear that happiness just isn't meant for her, that 'happily ever after' may exist but it's for someone else; she never gets to have that. And it's hard to rationalize with that sort of blind panic.

Except that the dreams of her young heart came true not for someone else but for _her_. That proves her longstanding fears are unfounded, doesn't it? ...Then again, they haven't _exactly_ come true yet. Happily _ever after_ is still to be determined in the future. Plenty of people start out happy; it's the 'ever after' part that gets tricky.

And then her doubts remember and cling to one specific detail of that afternoon those many years ago. _I'll dig up this locket so it can be my something old at our wedding_. That's the promise fourteen-year-old Robin made to herself that day. She recalls it all so clearly: the dirt under her fingernails, the coolness of the ground beneath her legs, the music of the carousel, even the smell of the nearby food venders.

In her young mind that still believed in romantic dreams and fate and destiny – that those sorts of things not only could but _would_ come true for her – it seemed the most natural choice of all to bury her locket in Central Park for safekeeping, where her dad could never find it, and retrieve it someday in the future when the time is right and she's met her One. But, in the middle of the burying process, her father started calling for her and she knew what that meant – come now or else – so she buried the locket as quickly as she could, telling herself one day she _was_ coming back for it.

Her thirty-two year old mind now realizes the naivety of that reasoning, to think it would still be there after all this time. She hadn't buried it anywhere near deep enough in the ground to survive nineteen years in crowded, tourist-filled Central Park. To expect it to still be buried safely there, completely undisturbed, was like expecting to win the lottery.

And yet….

Her heart, even her battered and bruised thirty-two year old heart, keeps coming back to that same promise.

_When the time is right_….

When it's right.

There was never any question in her young heart that the locket would be there waiting for her; when it's fate and destiny, of course it has to still be there. Because it's meant to be, and things that are meant to be _always_ will happen, despite the odds against them.

So if…if her locket _could_ still be there now, in 2013, what an amazing thing that would be. What it would be is absolute proof that the cynical closed-off Robin – who life had taught to be guarded, skeptical, and disbelieving in any sort of perfect happy ending for herself – was wrong all these years, and the ever hopeful, ever _believing_ young Robin – with her dreams of romance and a love that _never_ dies and the most traditional wedding, complete with the white dress and the long aisle – had been right all along.

And that would mean that she does get to have her happily _ever_ after. No matter the odds, no matter the amount of heartbreak that's out there in the cold, cruel world, she still gets to have her grand love story _and_ her happy ending. She and Barney get to have that _together_, and she never has to be afraid of 'what if' because it's meant to be and nothing and no one can take that happy ending away from them.

The strictly rational part of Robin's brain argues that it's silly and childish and defies all reason, but….if she went to Central Park now – today – and could manage to find her locket all these years later, she knows that it would settle her nerves and forever silence her fears. It would be the security, the guarantee, she so desperately craves that everything is going to work out alright with her and Barney, that their marriage will last till death do us part and beyond.

It's a long shot, Robin knows, but that very fact is what makes it irresistible. Because if she _can_ find it despite the improbability, that means it will surely be a sign – a sign that they will continue defying probabilities and overcoming the risk, a sign that beyond a shadow of a doubt they are meant to be together and she _will_ be granted her future happiness forever with Barney.

* * *

><p>Three and a half hours later, armed with supplies and standing in Central Park, Robin's not sure why she brought her dad with her. Maybe she was just too afraid to do this on her own; after all, the stakes are high.<p>

And maybe it has something to do with the fact of _wanting_ to share this with him, righting the wrong of nineteen years ago, having him for once be supportive of her and who she really is, for once doing something purely for her. It would make her happy ending complete to further repair their broken father-_daughter_ relationship and have her dad walk her down the aisle knowing that he's now finally a guy who can love and accept _her_ and be there for her the way a father should be.

But when her dad gets a sudden phone call, all of that changes. It hurts to hear him call Barney 'son', and Robin can't help but feel a sting of jealousy at how easy it apparently was for Barney to work his way into her father's affections when it seems that a lifetime worth of trying hasn't been enough to do the same for her. She fully realizes it isn't fair to feel that way since she actively encouraged Barney to bond with her dad. But she didn't mean today, when _she_ needs him. Of course she knows that isn't Barney's fault either. He's not doing this on purpose; it's just bad timing. Barney doesn't know the significance of her little outing or that she asked her father to come with her today. She'd only told him she'd be busy this afternoon with last-minute errands for the wedding – which isn't a total lie, more a skirting of the truth. At any rate, Barney has no idea he's interrupting any big moment between her and her dad.

But when Robin tries to correct that, when she speaks out and stands up for what she needs, quality time with her dad – whether he's interested in this or not, he could at least fake it on her behalf – her father proves he hasn't outgrown his selfishness and she's _still_ not important enough to make him actually want to stay.

So she closes off, tells him it's stupid, and he runs – literally _runs_, practically skips with joy – away from her and off to laser tag with Barney.

But Robin tells herself it's okay. She'll do this alone. She's used to being forced to do things alone. She's used to people being unreliable, to people leaving her; she's come to _except_ it, truthfully.

* * *

><p>An hour later, laser tag is in full swing and Barney and Robin Sr. are feverishly dodging through the course, keeping a sharp eye for little brats.<p>

Robin Sr. takes out two kids at once, clearing the path, and Barney crosses over to him. "Wow, you're a natural…..dad," he finishes, his eyebrow shooting up, almost choking on the word.

But he's trying. For Robin, he's trying.

And he does believe her when she says her dad has gotten so much better from what he used to be. Forgiveness and mending fences and all that; it's what she wants. But _he_ doesn't have the blood bond with this guy that Robin does, and when Barney looks at him, he still can't help seeing the monster from all of her stories, the man who hurt the woman he loves almost irreparably, who cruelly destroyed her dreams time and time again until she didn't have it in her to dream anymore or even believe in herself and that she's worthy of happiness and love.

But yet, for Robin, he's trying. Trying to overlook past sins. After all, she did the same thing for him.

And, on the one hand, Barney _is_ glad that he's finally earned her father's approval. Back when the man was denying them permission to get married, it was tense and difficult for Robin. Barney couldn't give a hoot about the guy's permission or blessing. He'd marry Robin a thousand times over – and every one of them against this man's will. Except that would have crushed Robin. Even after everything, her dad is still important to her. And Barney gets that; he's had his own daddy issues to deal with.

But something in him riles up with disgust to hear the man say he may love Robin – and her sister is "alright" – but it's nice to finally have his son. Because anyone with half a brain knows that, as awesome as he is, he's _nothing_ compared to Robin.

Still, he puts on a good show, wears a convincing mask, because he's been doing it for years and if anyone knows how to play a role it's Barney Stinson. This may not be talking some dim bimbo into bed, but convincing a narcissistic, self-obsessed man that it's the highest honor, worthy of holding back tears, to be considered his son isn't really all that different.

But it costs Barney to do it. He can't maintain the pretext long and has to look away from Robin's dad, his face ticking in agitation as he immediately turns the focus back to the game. Laser tag and competition; that is more neutral, less emotional territory that Barney can master.

As the game continues, he keeps peppering Mr. Scherbatsky with compliments to cement his place on the man's good side. He didn't climb the corporate ladder at GNB all the way up to the top without learning a thing or two about swallowing his pride and kissing up to pricks when the moment calls for it. And, actually, Robin's dad is a decent player so he doesn't have to dig all that deep in order to compliment his game. The man is determined, cold, ruthless, will let nothing stand in his way. All good qualities in a laser tag partner, but _horrible_ qualities in a father, or a husband, or a friend, or any kind of functioning human being with a living, breathing, caring heart.

By the time Robin Sr. gets around to insisting he _has_ to be point guy even though he's never even played the game before and Barney has years of experience under his belt, Barney can't take it anymore. It's just so indicative of how this man refuses to ever take personal responsibility or admit that he might not always be the best, might not always be the expert, always in the right and everyone else is in the wrong. It's no wonder Robin's sense of self-worth was crushed after years' worth of growing up with this man. "_God_," he yells in frustration, "you are _the_ most stubborn human being I have ever met!"

"You'd better get used to it," Robin Sr. fires back. "You're marrying a Scherbatsky."

For a second, Barney turns away at the insulting suggestion that Robin is anything like her father. He may have taught her how to hunt, and drink scotch, and smoke cigars, and play hockey, but those are just surface things. Underneath it all, she has a loving heart that this man can't even begin to understand. "Your daughter is not even a _fraction_ as obstinate, stubborn, and….." Barney thinks about all the stories Robin has told him, the injustices and pain she suffered at her father's hand, pushing her out of a plane and leaving her to fend for herself in a wolf-infested wilderness being just one of them. "…._insane_," he spits contemptuously, "as you are."

The issue can't be settled between them and it soon culminates in the two men competing against _each other_ as the leaders of opposing teams of children they round up.

As Barney is psyching his kids up for battle, he warns them, "You can take down anyone on their team, but I want the big man for myself."

"What's your beef with Oldie?" one curious kid asks.

That's a loaded question if he's ever heard one and Barney fidgets, looking down at the gun in his hand. _He psychologically abused my fiancée for the early part of her young life. He's pigheaded, impossible, and just kind of annoying – and he tried to stop our wedding the very moment he'd only just met me because of the color of my hair._ Grown men don't have blonde hair? Please. His hair is _awesome_. But this isn't the time or place to explain any of that, or for the two of them to fight. The whole point of this afternoon was to _bond_ with Robin's dad and make the man like him. That's what Robin wants. Despite the many ways in which her dad has let her down, just like Barney experienced with Jerome, Robin wants to repair the relationship with _her_ dad too, and that means Barney has to respect the guy as much as she does – or at least keep his mouth shut and fake it, like Lily did for years with Marshall's mom.

"He's….." Barney purses his lips, tilting his head, swallowing his pride, and making like family for Robin's sake. "….my father." Suddenly he knows exactly how Luke Skywalker felt.

"Father-in-law," another young boy corrects.

"Shut up, Kai." Barney won't let him make this into the typical animosities of father-in-law/son-in-law relationships. He's positively determined that the two of them will get along like family and have a common respect before this is over. Because that's what will make Robin happy.

* * *

><p>Back at the park, holes are scattered everywhere across the once immaculate grass, and she's still had no luck at all. But Robin knows it was this spot; she remembers it well. This <em>is<em> where she buried it, so she's got to keep trying.

There's dirt on her face and clothes but she just keeps digging, out of control, entirely outside of herself. In fleeting moments of lucidity and clarity, she's aware that she must look like a mad woman, but she _has_ to find that locket.

She _needs_ her guarantee, needs to know that all this happiness she has with Barney isn't going to crumble and die and go back to loneliness and merely just getting by.

She can't go back to that. She _can't_.

"WHERE….ARE YOU….YOU SON OF A BITCH!" she screams, crouching on the ground and flinging dirt like a wild woman. She's completely lost it. She's frightening small children even.

But it doesn't matter what a fool she makes of herself or what people think of her. Let them think she's crazy. She loves Barney and she wants her life with him. She wants their dreams of marriage and so she _will_ find her locket and prove to the world – and herself – that they _can_ have that together. She's not giving up until she does.

But another forty minutes later and she's hot – her blazer thrown onto the ground – and tired and growing increasingly frantic, desperate, hysterical even…..as in, she feels some kind of a nervous breakdown coming on. Because, as hard as she's tried, she can't find her locket anywhere. And it just has to be here. She needs it to be here because then everything will be alright. If it's not, then she's failed to get her sign and it leaves her and Barney's future unknown again, her worries unanswered. She'll be plunged back into risk and fear and taking leaps without a net to catch you.

And what if they fall? What if _she_ falls?

No, she needs to be with Barney. Falling is not an option. Not finding her locket is not an option.

Robin plunges the trowel into the ground with a grunt of frustration. She didn't want to have to tell Barney. It's not that she's having second thoughts or doubts about _him_. It isn't that she doesn't want to marry him. It's just that they went from best friends who couldn't even be vulnerable enough to be honest with each other about how they felt, all the way to the opposite end of the spectrum and actually getting _married_ – and all in just five months' time. It's been a whirlwind. And the thing about a whirlwind is that it comes out of nowhere, bringing excitement and sweeping change….and then it goes away just as quickly; here and then suddenly gone, leaving nothing but a path of devastation in its wake. What if that's them? What if that's the end result of their whirlwind?

But she didn't want to tell Barney any of this because she knows how it sounds: either irrational and insane, or like she's just making excuses because she doesn't love him enough to marry him. She can't bear to have him think the latter, but maybe she actually _is_ irrational and insane because she's losing it here and she _really_ needs him right now.

She needs Barney to help her find the locket. But, most of all, she needs him to talk her down, talk her through this, tell her she doesn't have anything to worry about, tell her they're going to be okay, they're going to have their dream. She needs him to calm her and reassure her the way he always does in their soft, genuine, private moments together.

Blowing out a heavy sigh – because this is so stupid and if she could've just found her stupid locket by her stupid self she wouldn't be in such a stupid predicament as to have to put all of her crazy onto him – Robin reaches into her back pocket for her phone. Taking one last big, grounding breath for courage, she calls Barney.

Over at laser tag, Barney has his Bluetooth in his ear, in the midst of heavy battle, hanging precariously from the ceiling and balancing his body weight on only two thin, very uncomfortable ceiling pipes. He answers on the first ring with no idea who's calling, but it honestly couldn't be a more inopportune time to be receiving a call. "Go for Barney," he tensely instructs.

Hearing his voice is enough to start the telltale burning of tears behind the backs of Robin's eyes. "Hey. Um….." But now that she actually has him on the phone it all sounds so stupid in her head, stupid and unfounded, this whole locket business. She suddenly dreads coming clean, can't quite do it over the phone. "….I'm having an issue," she finally – vaguely – admits, running her hand through her hair self-consciously.

Between the outside noise on her end of the line and the loud techno music blaring on his, along with the kids screaming and the zap of laser tag fire – plus now there's a tiny little menace circling below – Barney can barely hear Robin. He's managed to make out 'an issue' and that's about it. He figures it's some new minor wedding snafu. Marshall and Lily weren't kidding about there being a new crisis every minute. It seems like there's always some hitch here or there – with the caterers, plural, since they've already had more than one; or the florist; or the alterations; or the band – and they have to walk through hoops of fire and red tape to avert each crisis one-by-one. Which he's fully prepared to do, once he's got his feet back on the ground – _literally_ – and has bested her father at this match, proving himself the better man and earning his eternal respect in the process.

"Uh, listen, Robin," he whispers so as not to alert his opponent below, "is this urgent, or can we talk about it later?"

Robin's expression falters and she blinks. Barney is blowing her off too. _Is this urgent_? Um, she's just questioning the chances and odds of their entire future together. But, nope, not urgent at all. She doesn't want to interrupt his game, which is obviously important to him. "Nah. It's stupid," she gets out, just as the tears blur her vision. "Have fun."

Robin hangs up the phone, his icon hazy on her screen through her tear-dimmed vision. She knows it isn't fair to feel let down or deserted by Barney. Sure, he's busy, but he _asked_ her if it was urgent, meaning he would have stopped what he was doing if she'd said it was. Either way, he still promised to talk about it later. And if she wants help, _she_ has to ask for it. It's not fair to expect him to be a mind reader. How could he understand that it was important to her when she told him specifically that it _wasn't_? It's her own fault, she knows.

But there's still a small part of her that wishes he'd drop everything and come running to her, even without it being urgent. Yet, on the other hand, she knows that what he's "busy" with, he's busy with _for her_. He's not just out on a joyride. No doubt, he's having fun playing his game of choice, but he's doing it with _her_ dad, for _her_ benefit, making nice on _her_ account before their big wedding weekend, where he wants their families to all get along and everything to be as smooth and peaceful as possible, for _her_. She can't even remotely fault him for that.

There may be a tiny part of her that wishes he would have heard the distress in her voice, or suspected that calling at all with an issue _is_ her careful, indirect way of asking for help, or that when she says something is "stupid" it's usually because she's embarrassed of just how important it is to her. But that's just playing girlish mind games, and that's _not_ who Robin Scherbatsky is. Besides, who could be expected to understand that? _No one_ would understand that.

But there's still the massive problem that she can't find her locket and her escalating irrational fears have undeniably gotten the better of her. Even though it's perfectly reasonable _not_ to be able to find it, and in fact finding the locket nineteen years later would be nothing short of a miracle, she can't shake the nagging worry that being unable to locate her locket isn't just going back to square one but is actually a _bad_ sign. Because if it's destiny that she and Barney get married, then she _should_ be able to find it – miracle or not – and the fact that she can't means that she was right to have these fears. That's why she _needs_ to find the locket. It just _must_ be here.

Desperation is chocking Robin, threatening to overwhelm her. She needs someone's help _right now_. She needs a friend, someone who can tell her how silly she's being. Or at least help her dig. She knows Lily and Marshall are busy packing for their big move to Italy in just a couple weeks…..That leaves Ted.

It's a bit uncomfortable to reach out to him with this, particularly given their recent history of a year ago at this time and how they weren't even talking after she told him she's not in love with him. But that's water long under the bridge, isn't it? And Ted helped her see the light and go for what she wanted in spite of her fears before, both with the job at World Wide News and going up on that rooftop to confront Barney about Patrice and tell him that _she_ is in love with him…..So maybe that actually makes Ted just the person to call.

But when she does just that, she's met with the now standard reply. "Um, Robin, listen, I'm late for a big meeting. Is it important?"

It's a slap in the face that none of the people she counts on can be there for her in her time of need, but they all have lives too. Each of their reasons is important. It's not like it's their responsibility to see to her mental breakdown. "Nah. It's stupid," Robin gives him the same lie she told Barney. "Good luck."

* * *

><p>Still deep in the trenches, Barney hands out candy and cigars to his teammates – Team Animal House – partially because it's easy to get lost in the spirit of the game and the fun that is laser tag, and partially because he's seen the way Mr. Scherbatsky is crushing <em>his<em> team's spirit with his tyrannical rule. Before long, Barney's managed to pilfer away Robin Sr.'s entire team and amassed an army of angry kids against him.

Using them as a distraction, Barney sneaks up behind his future father-in-law, about to get the jump on him. When Robin Sr. turns around, Barney lowers his gun, shaking his head in mock fear, acting as if the older man has gotten the drop on him and foiled his assault from behind – all part of his plan, of course. When Robin Sr.'s gun misfires, because Barney already got one of his newly-turned recruits to sneak back into enemy camp and remove the batteries, Barney has him right where he wants him. He's even going to take the extra, poetic step of shooting him with his own gun. "Any last words?" he asks, cocky and triumphant.

"You know, seeing you out on the field of battle – ruthless, manipulative, untrustworthy. You've got all the qualities I would have wanted in a son."

Barney lowers his gun, affected by the accusation more than he cares to admit. He doesn't want to be this man's "son". For one thing, he already has an excellent father in Jerome Whittaker, who is a world's better parent than Robin Sr. could ever be. But he also doesn't want Robin's dad claiming any similarities between the two of them. Ruthless, manipulative, and untrustworthy might all be qualities that Barney assumes from time to time – in the business world, at laser tag, in Wii Wimbledon tournaments – but _not_ in his personal life, not with the people he cares about. And since he loves Robin like nothing else on earth, her father now falls under that umbrella too.

"Now I say to you the last words my father said to me," Robin Sr. continues. "'Shoot me already'."

Robin Sr. is doing the best he can to act impervious and unaffected by this defeat, but Barney recognizes that Scherbatsky false resilience of trying to act like it doesn't bother you when in fact it's tearing you apart. And because he _isn't_ anything like Robin's dad when it comes to those people he cares about, Barney offers him a compassionate concession. "Or we could….keep playing, if you want."

"Nah. It's stupid."

And that cements it. He sounds just like his daughter. All insecurity, all false bravado, all covering up the way he really feels, too embarrassed and afraid to admit his vulnerability.

Barney calls out to the kids waiting to ambush Robin Sr. just around the corner. "Okay, Team Animal House. I got him!" he lies. "Come on out." Then he steps in close and whispers to Robin's dad so the others can't hear. "You're point guy, R Dawg."

* * *

><p>Robin determinedly digs what has to be about her two hundredth hole. But when she sees that she's come up empty yet again, she closes her eyes in despair and throws her hands down against her legs, breathing heavy, near hyperventilation, her distress is so great.<p>

When she first sees Ted, all she feels is grateful that _someone_ has come to help her – both physically, to find the locket, and emotionally, because she's feeling lost and overwhelmed, her emotions all at sea.

She has to blink back tears; it's such a consolation to know she's not in this alone and there's a friend now with her that she can unburden herself to and who can maybe help talk her out of this panic. But then she remembers his big meeting that he's evidently missing on her behalf and she feels guilty. "Ted, why are you here? You – you had that meeting. I told you not to come."

"You said, 'Nah, it's stupid', which is Robinese for 'It's important'. Everyone knows that."

Robin appreciates that Ted's here for her, but more than anything his words make her stomach flop up into her throat like riding an unforgiving rollercoaster, and all at once she feels nauseous. Because if Ted could figure that out, that means _anyone_ close to her could….Perhaps even should? But Barney didn't.

"Well, not _everyone_," she says, looking down sadly. But she reminds herself Barney was busy, and Ted shouldn't have dropped what he was doing for her silliness either. "But you shouldn't have skipped that meeting. Was it important?"

"Nah, it's stupid."

Meaning it was. But he's here anyway, despite _his_ important commitment.

Robin's fears are out of control, completely running the show now, and between her pre-wedding jitters, being unable to find her locket, and all this business with her dad, those fears are starting to pollute her mind and take her down a dark, dangerous path her thoughts have never ventured into before. Because her dad let her down, yet again. She thought he'd changed, but hadn't changed. At least not enough. And then Barney stole her dad away – the two of them apparently thick as thieves now – before _he_ let her down himself too…..What does that say? Her distraught, beleaguered, manic mind is starting to see dots she fears might connect.

Was Barney being selfish and uncaring? _Is_ he too much like her dad? He wasn't here when she needed him for emotional support just now. He didn't pick up on her cue. What if, like her dad, he really _hasn't_ changed enough? She's sure that, just like her dad, Barney hasn't any concept of the fact that he's done anything at all to upset her. What if – as it's been with her dad all of her life – that means _Barney_ will never get it either, and she'll never be the top priority for _him_ the way she'd like to be, the way she needs to be? "And yet, my future husband, who I sometimes fear is troubling similar – " She blinks in agitation at this newly forming thought. " – to my emotionally unavailable father, is off shooting laser guns with – oh, yeah, you guessed it! – _my emotionally unavailable father_."

"Come on. That's not fair," Ted replies evenly and reasonably, with all the calmness and rational sensibleness she can't seem to find in herself right now. "If you told Barney that you needed him, he'd be here in a heartbeat."

Robin doesn't doubt that's true. Barney unquestionably would have come to her too if she came right out and asked him to or insisted. But, for Ted, that wasn't necessary. Earlier, she'd been consoling herself with exactly what Ted just said – that it's not fair to feel hurt, that Barney would have come, that she told him not to and anyone would have done the same thing, no one would have been able to figure out how desperately she needed him from just those few quick lines, no one would have seen through the cover-up to the truth. But then Ted did just that, proving that _someone_ could have; any friend who knows her _could_ have figured that out. But Barney didn't, and that only adds to her pre-wedding jitters, those fears that they might not be ready and it will all go wrong and crash and burn into nothingness.

Barney didn't know. Barney didn't come. But Ted did. So it's not just an impossible, unfair standard. "I didn't have to tell you….and _you're_ here." Robin shrugs. "You didn't even know why."

She wishes that Barney would have done that for her today. Any other day, it probably wouldn't matter to her, but today's she's all over the place. She's losing it, and she needed Barney to help her find her calm again. She _so_ wishes it would've been Barney that picked up on her cue instead of Ted. It only plays upon her fears that they won't make it in marriage.

But Ted agrees to help her dig, and so Robin tries to put those thoughts aside and focus instead on finding her locket. If she can just find it, it will all be okay and she can put this behind her and dismiss her fears as meaningless.

As they dig, Robin feels she owes Ted at least some explanation of just what it is they're doing. Of course she lies to him too, sugarcoating it as simply wanting the locket because of a childhood promise she made to herself to have it as her "something old" at her wedding. She doesn't tell him that for her rattled adult mind it's become some sort of token, an assurance of a successful marriage and a happy life with Barney.

After hearing the sentimental story of the locket and how in a fit of romanticism fourteen-year-old Robin had buried it for her future wedding, Ted can't pass up the opportunity to tease her about being a girl after all. But it's all on the periphery, such is Robin's focus to find the locket, and in her emotional turmoil she can only muster a little self-consciousness at his mocking rather than the usual Robin snark.

Then her trowel hits something and it knocks everything else from her mind. Her heart leaps and she throws her trowel down, in her fervor digging with her bare hands now instead. And then she feels it – a box – and begins to lift it out, her eyes catching a glimmer of red. A smile of pure joy lights up Robin's face and she sighs in the most intense relief she's ever felt.

Because she gets to be with Barney.

It's destiny, plain and simple. She can calm down now and trust in that fact. Nothing horrible is going to happen. She's not going to lose him. It's _destiny_. She gets to be with Barney forever.

Robin holds the box in her hand reverently. "Oh my god, I found it," she breathes, and it's a prayer of thanks, of reprieve. She knows without a doubt that it's going to be alright now. This is her guarantee at happiness. Their marriage will last. They'll have a happy and wonderful life. She sighs again, smiling and even laughing a little. She's _so_ unspeakably relieved, so ecstatic that she gets to marry Barney and have her dream life with him. Tears of _joy_ burn in her eyes now.

Sensing there must be something more to this, Ted asks her, "Okay, what's really going on with this locket?"

Robin lovingly brushes the dirt from her old jewelry box, releasing a heavy breath – and with it all the weight of the viscously spiraled-out-of-control fears she's been holding in for the past hours. What are the odds that she could actually find her locket nineteen years later? And yet she has, because she and Barney are destined for each other. Their marriage _is_ meant to be too, and nothing can take that away from them or destroy their happy ending.

So she can say it now. Now that she has her irrefutable Universe sign, she can acknowledge the turmoil her heart's been going through. "I'm going to admit something I couldn't admit until I found this." She takes a deep breath and plunges in. "I've been having fears about marrying Barney."

But the second it's out of her mouth she reaches toward Ted, feels an immediate need to qualify that because it sounds so much worse than what it was, and it feels wrong to imply that she doesn't believe in Barney or in their relationship or anything like that. "I mean, in – in many ways he's – he's grown up into a mature, caring adult…." And he _has_. The Barney she's been living with and loving is definitely emotionally advanced and a far cry from the Barney she dated back in 2009.

"….But I still don't know if he's ready for this." How can you ever know if you're _really_ ready? You can want something tremendously, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're ready for it. How can you _ever_ be sure? Do you ever truly feel entirely ready, totally nerve-free and completely unafraid? Are you _supposed_ to? Does it come down as some grand epiphany of peace and total assurance they've somehow missed out on?

….And she knows she's not just talking about Barney either. It applies just as much to _her_.

Robin lets out a harsh, unamused laugh as she finally divulges the whole of it. "I still don't know if _I_ am…."

She looks down at the box in her hands with a half-smile. "But if I could find this locket, but if it was _still_ here waiting for me, that would mean the Universe wanted me to marry Barney…." Just saying the words, Robin can't keep the delighted, elated smile from her face. "….and that everything was going to be okay," she finishes with near-laughter in her voice.

Imagining the alternative brings the troubled look to face and tone once more just thinking about what she's been through this afternoon. "And, when it was gone, it was like…..every doubt I – I ever had about Barney – about _myself_ – got dug up." Like maybe they're making a mistake getting married. Yes, they love one another intensely and they've been happy together these past five months – the happiest she's ever been – but he's still Barney Stinson of the inappropriate comments and appreciative male eye and she's still Robin Scherbatsky whose continued gut impulse is to run away and close herself off whenever things get too emotional and complicated. Maybe two people like that just aren't ready for marriage – and maybe two people like that marrying _each other_ would be a disaster. What if they shouldn't press their luck with actual marriage? She feared that's what the Universe was trying to warn her – or maybe it was trying to tell her that she and Barney would crash and burn either way, married or not.

But none of that matters now, because that _wasn't_ the Universe's message at all. Just the opposite. Robin wiggles with happiness, that huge, joyful smile back again. "But I found it," she laughs blissfully. She found it and all those fears are behind her. "And everything's gonna be okay."

She wants to see her old locket, wants to cradle it in the palm of her hand, knowing that all of her girlish dreams have come true. She opens the box then, her heart full of happiness…...but she can't believe it. She can't believe what she sees.

Nothing.

The box is empty.

Robin's face screws up in confusion. Wait, how can this be? If she kept digging and digging but never came across it, she wouldn't have gotten her guarantee and it would have left her anxious and worried, yes, but if there was no box – if someone found it over the years – at least _that_ would make sense. But how can the box still be buried, safe and sound and undisturbed, but the _locket_ just be gone?

Maybe…..maybe it just slipped out. That's it.

She starts frantically digging down in the hole, sifting through the dirt with her free hand, searching for a feel of that gold chain.

But, no…..It's just…._gone_. Vanished into thin air.

She looks up at the heavens, disheartened, cold, and miserable. She's not a fool. She realizes what this means; the locket isn't the only thing that just vanished. She feels as empty as the box – and positively _petrified_.

Because an empty box still buried is impossible to be anything but a sign. And she doesn't want _this_ kind of sign! But what else could this be? Lockets can't just open a box, unbury themselves, and get up and walk away. "This is a sign from the Universe," Robin affirms despondently.

"It's not a sign from the Universe."

"_Yes, it is_. The – the – the locket is just gone." There's no other explanation. As much as she wants to, there's just _no_ denying it. "And you're telling me that doesn't mean anything?" she asks, tears mixing with rising hysteria. Ted's trying to make her feel better. He's doing his best, but he knows the truth; he just won't admit it to spare her feelings. "You _know_ this is a bad omen, Ted. You're Universe Guy."

Ted points out her skeptical nature, how she never used to believe in any of that stuff, and that's true but…. "Maybe I've grown skeptical of being skeptical." And maybe all that skepticism was just a mask. Maybe she's believed in these kinds of things all along – she wouldn't have buried the locket in the first place if she didn't believe in it on at least some level – but over the years she just she couldn't let herself believe for fear of getting hurt, for fear of getting the wrong answer. And now the one time – the _one_ time – she let herself believe again, that's precisely what happens. She gets smacked in the face with the fact that her destiny is to never be happy.

"_This is a sign_," Robin cries, utterly distraught, tears coming unchecked now. She _loves_ Barney. She wants to _marry_ Barney. But this empty box is telling her she doesn't get to have that. The Universe is confirming her greatest fears, telling her it won't work with Barney. It's all just a lovely dream. It can never be real. She never gets to have that, just like she always feared.

Ted tries to convince her that it's okay to marry Barney and the Universe isn't sending her a message. But no sooner are the words out of his mouth then, through her tears and the sobs racking her body, Robin hears a clap of thunder and then it begins to rain, pouring down on her, spilling down on all her dreams of happiness with Barney and carrying them away with the tide.

Ted starts muttering on about science. But she knows. She _knows_ what this means. "Ted! This is sign and you know it," she insists, crying uncontrollably, utterly beside herself. "I mean the Universe is _screaming_ at me right now!" Barely able to hold it together, nearly past the point of being able to form actual words, she manages, "How could you of all people tell me to ignore that?"

"Because maybe it's dumb to look for signs from the Universe. Maybe the Universe has better things to do. Dear god, I hope it does."

These words – these words from _Ted_ of all people – slowly start to penetrate through the fog of hysteria and panic. Robin looks down, considering for the first time the possibility that maybe Ted's right. Why _should_ the Universe concern itself with little insignificant her? Now that he's said it out loud, it does sound dumb to think that, self-important even.

"Do you know how many 'signs' I've gotten that I should or shouldn't be with someone? And where has it gotten me?"

_That_ Robin knows is certainly true. The Universe couldn't possibly have been giving Ted all of the signs he _thought_ it was because in order for that to be the case the Universe would be contradicting its own self.

"Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe….maybe a locket's just a locket, a – a chair's just a chair."

Robin looks up at the skies, at the rain as it drenches her – and what she wouldn't give for that to be true, for this to honestly mean nothing, to go back to the way she and Barney were earlier this week, this month, last month, the night he proposed to her. She wants a lifetime with him. She wants so _very_ much for that to be possible, with no bad omens, no broken dreams – or broken vows – in their future.

"Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing."

Robin looks down again, thinking about that – seriously thinking about it, _rationally_ thinking about it. And it truly doesn't seem like she's only grasping at straws to make herself feel better when she begins to realize that maybe Ted has a point. Maybe, as humans, in our _own_ desperation and fear we do see – we _imagine _– signs where there really are none.

"Maybe we don't need the Universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that, deep down."

Robin reasons that through silently, and she lets out another heavy sigh. She once called Ted the most reasonable friend she has. He says that her heart already knows what it wants, deep down…..and he's right. He _is_. Rational Robin, who's still in there somewhere lost inside a sea of fear, knows that Ted is right. Her heart has absolutely no doubts whatsoever; it's her anxious, worried mind – always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always looking for 'the catch' – that's the problem.

But Ted is right. Her heart _does_ know what it wants. It wants Barney. She wants Barney. There's no sense in arguing ready or not or what the probabilities say. The bottom line is that she loves Barney. She's _always_ loved Barney. And she _wants_ to marry him – even if it might be a bad idea, even if the odds are against them, even without her positive Universe sign, and even with a possible 'bad omen'. Her heart _still_ wants to marry Barney, no matter what. She wouldn't be out here in the rain and the mud, digging for hours like an animal, if she didn't want to marry Barney so badly, if she didn't want a guaranteed happily ever after with _him_ and no one else. Look at the lengths she's been willing to go to _because_ she wants it this badly. Her heart does know what it wants, with or without the Universe's help.

Robin reaches for Ted's hand in gratitude – in the same way she did in that salon when he was dying his hair blond and he told her to choose her love life over career; in the same way she did when Jeanette smashed his red cowboy boots; in the same way she has countless times over the course of their friendship. She reaches for his hand out of appreciativeness and thankfulness that he's talked sense into her and straightened her out. She'd told him way back when that if she ever got married she'd need him there with her as a diligent best man to talk her down from the inevitable panic that, all those years ago and despite not knowing who her groom would be, she already _knew_ she'd have. But she also knows what it cost Ted to say something like 'there are no signs from the Universe' and look at what believing in them has done to his life. Because, yes, he was saying that to encourage her, but at the same time she knows he kind of means it – and for him that's huge. It shows how discouraged _he_ has become over the years, and she wants to give him back some of that same support and hope that he just gave her.

But as Robin holds Ted's hand and the moment stretches on, it starts to feel a little awkward. Because as much as she tries to forget it, as much as she doesn't want to ever acknowledge it, their friendship forever changed after the events of last year – and then changed _again_ when she joyfully agreed to marry his best friend. It had to be difficult on some level today too, hearing that deep down she _is_ a typical girl who used to dream about her future wedding and her 'something old', to realize that she's _always_ been the marrying kind. She just didn't want that with him. She only truly wants it with Barney because _Barney_ is her One and Ted was never going to be that, no matter how their lives turned out.

Robin looks up at Ted tentatively, suddenly feeling embarrassed and ashamed that she confided any fears or concerns about her relationship with Barney to _him_ of all people. She shouldn't have put that on him, the role to convince her that she's right about her choice to marry another man when she never wanted to marry him.

But when she looks into his eyes, she can't detect a note of any such thing on his face, so she tries to let the fleeting thought – the fleeting concern – go and turns her mind back to Barney and her current predicament. Out in the park, the Universe raining down on her, with an empty locket box and a whole lot of fears.

"I'll, um, I'll see you at the wedding," Ted says hastily.

Robin nods, letting go of his hand. Of course he wants to get out of the rain. And she can handle this on her own. She never should have drug him into it in the first place. "Yeah." She keeps nodding as he walks away.

Alone once more out in the rain, she presses her lips together in thought, feeling small, still scared, and vaguely abandoned. But she hears Ted's words in her mind – _If you told Barney that you needed him, he'd be here in a heartbeat_ – and it cuts through all the rest. Because of course he would be. No matter what she's going through right now, she hadn't been fair to Barney to doubt that for even a second. He _has_ been there when she needed him so many, many times when they weren't even together and without her asking or even saying a word.

Robin thinks about how Barney went with her – insisted, actually – when she had to give away her dogs. She thinks about the night Simon dumped her a second time and Barney was the very best shoulder to cry on, full of sweet jokes and lovely compliments long before he ever dreamed she'd end up kissing him on that couch. She thinks about that network job she wasn't even going to try for because she thought of herself as nothing but a joke but Barney talked her into applying anyway – even made her promise him – because he always saw more in her even when she couldn't. She thinks about how Barney got her the job at _Come On, Get Up New York! _and stopped her from being deported, making a video resume all on his own after she gave up because _he_ would never give up on her. She thinks about their "subway wars" and how Barney selflessly, and without any credit, let her have the win because he knew she needed it – something she never would have found out had Ted not accidentally let it slip in his engagement party toast. She thinks about the morning she showed up on his doorstep asking if she made him feel needed, and just like always he wouldn't let her leave until she felt certain of the fact that she's the greatest woman on the planet. She thinks about the lovely words he said to her standing out in a hurricane, and again, a year later, that profound declaration of love in a dessert shop. She think about the whole of "The Robin" play and how afterwards Barney bent over backwards to win her father's approval and got him to come back and actually _apologize_ to her for the first time in her life.

And no one had to tell him, no one had to ask him to help her any of those times. Of course Barney understands her and of course he's been there for her time and time again in a way _no one_ else has been. It was both unfair and ridiculous to feel let down by Barney or to judge him and his emotional availability based on one isolated incident – and after _she_ told him not to come.

And as for her locket, well, Robin determines that if Ted can feel this way, if _Ted_ – who sees 'fate' in everything – can dismiss something as _not_ a sign, then _she_ certainly can too. He said she already knows deep down what she wants, and she does. She's known what she's wanted, deep down, for years upon years. Barney. That's _all_ she wants. Barney. A life and a marriage with him.

Ted also once said upon first seeing his mess of a dream home – even in the face of all of their pessimism and against every odd – that you can always find problems with any decision but you can't let that stop you. And, boy, is he ever right. She already realized that this morning; it's a lesson she's been slowly learning her entire life, truthfully. At that time, Ted gave Marshall as an example, how by their second date in freshman year – as just a teenager with his whole life unknown and still ahead of him – Marshall already vowed he was going to marry Lily, and he let nothing change his mind or second-guess what his heart knew to be true. Despite the odds, Marshall took that leap of faith and it was the best thing that ever happened to them both.

And the same thing goes for her and her move to New York, and giving up the coin flip bimbo job for her career at WWN, and her first relationship with Barney, and saying 'yes' to his proposal back in December.

Leaps are scary but, just like Marshall, Robin's heart knows it to be true that she wants to marry Barney more than anything in this world. She wants the dream they've talked about, of a marriage and a life together, more than she's ever wanted anything. She loves him incalculably. She loves him so much it hurts, and she _knows_ he loves her and wants to marry her that same way back.

And isn't _that_ saying something?

Why is she even out here having these fears that their marriage won't work? Aren't love and commitment and dedication the only basic ingredients a marriage needs anyway?

Maybe the odds aren't in their favor, but she still remembers what she said to Lily back when _she_ was having fears about her upcoming wedding to Marshall…..that Lily eventually ran out on only to realize that it was the biggest mistake of her life – and there's a lesson for them all there on what happens when you let fear stand in your way. Robin told Lily – and she meant it – that falling in love with and then getting to marry your best friend in the world and spend your lives together is such an amazing gift. That's the only thing that matters. It makes up for anything else and certainly makes it a leap of faith worth taking.

Robin pulls herself up to her feet, leaving behind the trowel, leaving behind the piles of disturbed earth, leaving behind the empty box _that means nothing_. Because she's going home to what her heart wants, to the man she loves, her future husband.

* * *

><p>Barney is just finishing up in the kitchen when he hears Robin unlocking the door to their apartment. He's busy stirring something on the stove and his back is to her when he hears her come in, but he jumps at the chance to talk to her as soon as she's home. "Hey, I've been waiting for you. You wanna talk about that issue you were having? I was in the middle of the game so I could barely hear what you were saying earlier, but I thought it might have something to do with the wed – "<p>

He turns around and what he sees makes his words halt midsentence. Robin is drenched from head to toe, her clothes sticking to her, her hair hanging in wet, laden tendrils, a blotch of mud even smeared across her face. It's obvious she got caught in the rain, but more than just caught and ran for shelter. She's clearly been standing out in the storm for some time in order to get this thoroughly waterlogged. But beyond her sodden state, it's the look on her face that still leaves Barney stunned and deeply concerned. He can tell instantly that something bad had transpired. "Baby, what's wrong? What happened?"

Barney's expression is both tender and alarmed, but it's his tone that gets Robin, that soft, sweet, _real_ tone that seems to have been made exclusively for her.

She _was_ going to tell him. Back at the park, she was going to ask him to help her find her locket, and she knows he wouldn't have bought that story, which would have segued into telling him everything – all of her fears, her quest for a sign and a built-in guarantee that their marriage will work out. In her desperation at the park, she was ready to tell him all of that. But now that sanity has prevailed, she once again sees all the reasons why she can't admit any of that to him. She can't chance him misunderstanding and thinking she's having second thoughts and doubts about him and _them_. She doesn't want to hurt him that way. And, most of all, Robin just wants it to all go away, to forget it ever happened – both her fears and the empty locket box.

"I'm alright," she says, shutting the door behind her but still hovering mostly in the entryway, though she offers him a small smile. "I was in the park and it started raining unexpectedly. But I'm alright. Nothing's wrong."

Barney abandons his post in the kitchen, walking around the counter and standing beside the couch, where he studies her carefully. She claims she simply got caught in a sudden rain shower, but it doesn't ring true. She's being evasive. She seems to be closing off on him even; he recognizes it from their first time dating. And that raises his concern even further.

Robin walks the rest of the way into the living room, setting her equally wet purse down next to the chair. "I've just….." She falters, letting out a deep, shaky sigh. "…..I've had a really bad day," she admits with a humorless laugh. The intense emotions of the past eight hours have weighed her down, gotten to her until it's finally too much, and she turns suddenly watery eyes up to his. "It's nothing…..It's stupid." She takes a step closer. "But maybe…." She moves several more steps toward him. "….Maybe you could just….hold me?"

Her voice is so small and vulnerable it makes something squeeze in Barney's heart – and if she's saying it's stupid, it's anything but.

She starts to reach out to him but then stops abruptly. "Oh, your suit!" Her expression twists in horror of what she'd almost done to poor Percival. "I'd get it all wet and muddy."

Barney gives her a funny look. As if his suit matters at all when she needs him. "What do I care about a suit?" he says, taking her into his arms. He holds her closely to him, her body pressed to his, and he couldn't care less when he feels the water beginning to soak into his skin too.

What does Barney care about a suit? Robin almost has to laugh at that. But she understands what he means; _she's_ more important. And, right now, that's exactly what she needed to hear. She tucks her head under his chin, rests her check against his lapels, wraps her arms around him, and for the first time all day she feels safe, secure, and at peace.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asks, one hand rubbing gentle patterns onto her back as the other hand strokes over her wet hair.

She nods against his chest. "I just thought I'd lost something. But then I realized it doesn't matter. I don't need it."

That's far too cryptic not to have something more to it, but Barney knows how she hates to be pushed, and right now is obviously not the time. Right now, she needs to be comforted over….whatever this is. So he doesn't pressure her to say anything more. He just holds her more tightly to him and she snuggles further into his embrace.

After several minutes of quietly holding each other, she breaks the silence to softly tell him, "I love you."

Even now, about to marry her in a little over a week, that admission from Robin still brings a blissful smile to Barney's lips and he pulls back to look at her. "Good. It'll make the next sixty years a lot less awkward."

Robin gazes at her fiancé as he smiles down at her, and in that moment it all seems to click and make sense. He may have nerves about their wedding too – he's Barney Stinson, he _must_ – but she's overwhelmingly touched by _his_ faith that they'll last and still be together more than a half century down the line. His confidence bolsters hers and, as always, his easy playfulness is impossible to resist. "Sixty years, huh?" she smiles back.

"Well, unless advances in medical science take us further, which they probably will. If Marshall's gonna get his lightsaber for carving Thanksgiving turkeys then I'm definitely gonna live forever," he smirks. "But, no matter what, it's you and me to the end."

She feels a rush of happiness burst through her at his words, his confident promise. "We're a set, like Marshmallow and Lilypad?"

He shakes his head. "Nah, we're our own unique pairing. Barnman and Robin. We decided that years ago," he reminds her.

"Yes, we did," Robin laughs softly.

"Listen," Barney begins, winding his arms around her waist and tugging her back in close, "I know you've been stressed this morning and obviously with whatever happened today. This wedding planning's been a lot to handle. Even after we got outside help, it still seems like there's something new every day to be done or decided."

Clearly, Barney has misunderstood what her "issue" today truly was – which makes his failure to run to the park all the more understandable to Robin. Even so, he may be partially right. The wedding planning ciaos very well could have added to her muddled state of mind, what with all the stress it's caused. Lily's right; until you're a bride-to-be you really have no idea.

"But it's almost over. We're at the homestretch here, and I just want you to relax and enjoy yourself." Barney continues in that tone that always anticipates a grand announcement to come. "That's why…." He eases out of her embrace and moves to stand out of the way so he can direct her eyes toward the kitchen. "….I made dinner."

Robin's eyes widen at the various preparations she sees around their kitchen, and she notices for the first time both the set table and the pleasant aroma in the air. "_You_ made dinner?"

Barney shoots her a look of mock hurt. "I _can_ cook. Mom couldn't always be home at dinnertime; I had to learn certain skills. Yeah, I know when we're having quiet dinners at home I usually just order in but….I wanted tonight to be different." He reaches down and takes her hand. "Robin, I just spent the entire day with your dad, and I think I understand a tiny glimpse of how hard it must have been for you growing up. But you know what else I realized? Underneath all that toughness and bluster there's actually a pretty vulnerable guy. Not that I'm defending him. His problem has always been that he failed to see how that's all the more true of his daughter. But _I_ do," he promises. "I see it. And I wanted to do something special for you."

So much for being emotionally unavailable. Robin feels her heart melting and her eyes tear up again; she's all over the place today! But she knows one thing: she is terribly in love with her future husband. She sets her free hand to his check and leans in, kissing him, humming softly with contentment as she does. And because that feels so good, after a few seconds she tilts her head, deepening the kiss.

But Barney pulls back. "You're soaked through. I can feel you shivering."

"Well, that's just because I like kissing you so much," she retorts, letting go of his hand to wrap her arm around his neck.

"True. But I know _this_ time has a little something to do with being cold too," he replies, easing back away before she starts anything that's going to be too hard for him to stop. "Why don't you go change out of those wet clothes and into something comfy?"

Robin frowns. "But your dinner will get cold."

"That's alright. I can always reheat it. In fact, maybe you even want to take a warm bath first?" Barney suggests, already back in the kitchen, starting to put dinner away in the fridge. "I'll get some bubbles going, light some candles, crank up the smooth jazz. It'll be nice and relaxing."

Robin considers the offer and it does sound nice. Plus, they always take baths _together_ – which is a whole different, even better kind of nice – but that's not the sort of relaxation she needs right now. She needs an awakening, something to shock her senses, boot-start her emotions, and wash away the stress and fear and panic of the day, rushing it down the drain along with the mud stains on her skin. "No, I think a hot shower is just the thing I need."

"Okay," Barney answers in slight disappointment. It's not that he was after sex – though sex with Robin is always fantastic. He just wants to be let beneath her walls, not shut out.

Sensing that, Robin smiles. "But you can come too," she says, taking his hand.

* * *

><p>In the bedroom shower, Barney's rinsing the last of the suds from her hair when Robin asks about the game with her dad.<p>

"I may have felt sorry for the guy," he confesses. "I mean, come on, this is _me_, laser tag champion of the tri-state area; he didn't stand a chance." Robin opens her eyes now that she's clear of shampoo, and he watches her closely for her reaction to this next part. He could keep it from her, but he figures she has a right to know what goes on with her dad. "So I let him win…._after_ he said I was like a son."

Hearing that brings back the sting of hurt she felt this morning when her dad ran off to be with Barney. The son he never had. And never forgave _her_ for. That seems about right. But it's not Barney's fault in the least. This is an issue that started long before she even met him.

She squeezes some of Barney's shampoo into her palm now and then slowly massages it into his scalp just the way he likes. "Well, good," Robin finally says as she gently pushes his head back under the spray of water, continuing to run her fingers through his hair, both to rinse away the suds and to continue her massage. "I'm glad my dad got what he always wanted."

Barney nudges out of the spray, opening his eyes and locking them on hers. "So am I. Now that he's got the son he wanted, he's free to appreciate the amazing daughter he's always had."

Robin's heart catches and soars at that. Barney always knows the exact right thing to say to make her feel ten thousand feet tall. People don't get that about him, they don't understand the insightful, sensitive, gentle, comforting, and oh so sweet side he has. No one in the world can make her feel more awesome and worthwhile and loved than Barney Stinson. Robin moves in closer to him until their bodies are touching from chest to thigh and she kisses him hard.

The muscles across his shoulders and upper back stretch appealingly beneath her hands as he wraps his arms around her, holding her even closer till it seems as if they could melt into each other – and she wants this _always_; can never imagine not wanting him this way. The kiss intensifies and Robin can feel his erection pressing urgently against her; it's been there pretty much from the moment she got naked, standing as a promise of all the pleasure that's to come. But Barney doesn't speed things up. Instead he slows things down, moving from her lips to tenderly kiss across the damp skin of her face – her checks, her temples, her eyes, along her jawline to her neck. That's when the tone switches from tender to decidedly sexy. Her neck is always a go-to spot, probably because he knows they _both_ enjoy it so much; his lips and tongue and teeth working over her neck can take her from zero to I-need-you-right-now in only a few seconds.

Once he's sure he has Robin relaxed and feeling good, Barney pulls away to smile suggestively down at her. He takes a bottle of body wash – _his_ this time; he likes it when she smells like him – and steps back away from her long enough to squirt some across her skin and his. She smiles now too as the cool gel slowly inches down her skin. They've done this enough times that she knows what comes next. They both reach for each other, start soaping one another down, and it's partly getting clean but mostly just roaming hands – which is Robin's favorite _way_ of getting clean. She could spend eternity running her hands over his abs, chest, and arms. While Barney's hands take a trip everywhere, his also zero in on her chest, rubbing suds across her breasts and thoroughly, purposely caressing her in the process until she's arching into his hands with a soft sigh. But he's still not rushing and, rather than take it any further, he walks them into the spray and steps back away again – she already misses the skin-to-skin contact – so the suds can wash down the drain.

Then he shuts off the water, pulling back the curtain and reaching for one of their decadently soft and enormous towels. He wraps them both up in it, his hands moving up and down her sides over the towel to dry her off. "Like I said, Robin," Barney expresses, his tone low and intimate and clearly turned on, "I know it's been stressful lately with all this last-minute stuff and the wedding almost here." He pauses, tipping her chin up to make sure their gazes meet and hold. "But you know I love you too, right? Like, a _crazy_ amount."

Robin smiles affectionately at such a Barney way of articulating emotion. And in that moment she knows they're going to be alright. She's sacred and maybe he is too, but they're in this together, frightened together but strong together, going all-in together. "I do," she assures him, and her unintentional choice of words makes them both chuckle.

He smirks happily. "A preview, in almost ten days."

"You ready?" she asks lightly, the question of the day.

Barney's response comes without hesitation. "I can't wait."

And despite empty boxes and sudden, ill-timed rain showers, there is no hesitation in Robin's answer either. "Me too."

For two reformed commitment-phobes like them, a wedding in just over a week can be scary and it's hard to know when and if you're ready. But Robin thinks it must be like the quote from that series of children's book Lily loves so much and has subsequently hammered into her brain: _If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives_. Heading into marriage knowing that this is it – no more failing as an option, no more running away, this is your _forever_ – is a daunting concept, full of vulnerability and risk. She'd hoped to offset that risk with some kind of magical, mystical sign from the Universe that could promise their future happiness. But whoever gets such a guarantee, an absolute assurance that everything will all work out?

No one does. Because there is no magical 'ready' epiphany. Life doesn't work like that. You have to take those leaps and chances, going in not perfectly knowing what the future will hold but believing you can make it last anyway, having faith in your love. And their love _is_ the foundation; Barney told her that before and he's right. So from this moment forward she's going to try her best to set those nerves aside, banish them entirely, and not let this one last cropping up of old fears as the date approaches get to her and mess with her mind.

And looking at Barney right now, she can see his happiness; it's a palpable thing. That happiness and so much love reflects back at her, mirroring her own. Feeling that love envelope her, it's hard to even remember what she was so worried about.

Robin smiles adoringly over at him, her eyebrow and mouth quirking seductively. "Make love to me, Barney."

He readily obliges. Letting the towel drop down to the bathroom floor, he moves a gently caressing hand along her bare side, the other cupping her neck, his thumb stroking over her cheek as he leans in to kiss her a moment before taking her hand in his.

Walking her into the bedroom, both grinning in anticipation, he lays her down on their bed, stretching his body out overs hers and wrapping both arms beneath her, drawing her up against him completely.

And, as he kisses her, Robin realizes she doesn't care about that locket at all. She knows _this_ is all she needs. Her something old and something new. Her _everything_ all rolled into one.


	48. 824

**Something New**

* * *

><p>It's May 18th and Robin and Barney are deep in the midst of their final rehearsal of their first dance, this time a full-on dress rehearsal with the entire dance crew and special effects team. The last time they danced together this way was at Punchy's wedding, and though by now their love is far from unrequited the thrill of whirling across the floor in each other's arms never wears off. There's an old song that calls dancing "making love set to music playing" and for the two of them at least it's very apropos. The moment he spins her into a dance – any dance, anywhere – it sets both their hearts to racing and fills their heads with amorous ideas.<p>

This particular dance reaches its grand finale and glitter canons explode across their living room as Barney holds Robin in a low dip, his hand warm against her hip. He's gazing down at her with such intensity – the muscles in his arms flexing irresistibly, a sheen of sweat on his skin – and she's so caught up in the moment that she wants him here and now, despite the tap dancers, the effects and the cleanup crews, and what must amount to about fifteen other people in the apartment.

He brings her back up, his hand hovering over the small of her back as she twirls to her feet. Robin skims her fingers across his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat, the heavy rise and fall of his chest, and she clings to his shoulder, smiling breathlessly. "That was amazing," she gasps, laughter and happiness and pure delight in her voice.

But Barney is all concentration. For now. With determination, he declares, "We can do better." It's the challenge of it, she knows. They have to top all of their other dances. After all, this time it's _their_ wedding.

But once Barney's satisfied they've done it perfectly and it's guaranteed to blow the minds of every last one of their wedding guests, Robin can see him get into the spirit of the thing too. By the third performance, he can feel it through to the core of him just the way she had and they soon dismiss the crowd from their apartment, hurrying them out with plans to call the cleaning lady later rather than wait for them to sweep up all the glitter now. The second the door's shut behind the last of the stragglers, Barney and Robin rush to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes in their wake because they're far too eager not to undress as they go.

And it's every bit worth waiting for. With her legs draped up on his shoulders as Barney kneels over her on the bed, rocking her as he moves inside of her, this feels like heaven and Robin can't imagine needing anything more than this for the rest of her life. She can feel the pressure building and when he bends to kiss her just as he thrusts deep that added connection sends her into an insane orgasm, everything in her exploding in pleasure. He follows her over the edge moments later, collapsing against her heavy and spent.

Robin strokes her hands up through his hair in the aftermath of their lovemaking, and all she can think as he tenderly brushes his lips over her collarbone is that they're so in love, so in tune. What does she have to be worried about when they have _this_?

Barney lifts his head to smile down at her, pressing a kiss to her mouth before rolling to lie beside her. Sighing elatedly, he reaches over to stroke her thigh. "We should end the dance exactly that way at our wedding," he quips, still out of breath.

She laughs softly, pushing up onto her side to face him. "That would certainly be something people would never forget."

He grins, hooking an arm around her and drawing her against him. That devilishly amused smile softens into pure affection when she lays her arm across his body, her fingers dancing over his damp skin. "Listen, Robin," he says, turning his head on the pillow to look at her, "I know you've been stressed with all this wedding planning, but there's just one last thing to do tomorrow morning and then it's all over. We made it through. So….I was thinking tomorrow night we should go out to dinner."

She gives him an odd look, because he said it as if it's something important – even with an edge of self-consciousness – but she can't really see what the big deal is about going out to a restaurant. They've been eating in a lot lately, yes, but they still go out to dinner at least half the time. "Ookay."

Barney can tell from her confused tone that she's not quite getting it. "Not just a regular dinner, Robin. I'm thinking a whole special night. A celebration of _us_."

Hearing that has a smile forming on her face. "A celebration of us, huh?"

"Yeah," he replies, that hint of embarrassment back. "I mean, sure, I want our wedding to kick every other wedding's ass, but all that stuff is just details. This night will be all about honoring the two of us and our relationship and why we're getting married in the first place."

He still can surprise her sometimes, and for that Robin scolds herself because she shouldn't let herself forget – even with all the drama of a few days prior – that the Barney he presents to the rest of the world is not the same as the man underneath it all, the one she's uniquely privileged to know and love. The one who whispers softly to her after making love, the one who tells her he loves her several times a week just to be sure that she knows it, the one who plans surprise romantic celebrations of their love. "That sounds perfect, Barney." And it really, really does. A special night for just the two of them.

* * *

><p>Getting ready to go out tonight, Barney insisted on making all the plans and surprising her, something that has Robin looking forward to the evening all the more. It makes her think back to that oh so important night four months after they broke up when Barney found her at the shooting range and she told him how much it hurt to see him dating that <em>You Dumb Slut…<em> author and planning an elaborate super-date for someone he barely knew when she never got treated that way. That night was the start of understanding between them and being back on the road to friendship again. Though it struck her enough at the time to still remember the look on Barney's face when he said he was sorry and that he knew he was a bad boyfriend to her, she had no idea back then how much her words and knowing that she felt like just another number to him had vitally impacted Barney. But it _had_, and she realizes that now.

Feelings have to be expressed, not just felt. That's been a crucial lesson for them both, and now that they each understand how much the other _needed_ to hear those feelings it makes saying the words "I love you" that much easier and more essential. But it's not just the 'I love you's. Since they've gotten back together, Barney has made a point to regularly do romantic things for her. They go out on an official 'date night' just the two of them at least once every two weeks, no matter how busy they are or what else is going on. Sometimes it's something casual and fun like MacLaren's and laser tag. Other times it's something sophisticated and nostalgic like the cigar bar. And sometimes they go on decidedly romantic, sexy, couple-y dates to fancy restaurants.

While on their various 'date nights' over the past months, they've established a clear favorite restaurant. It's one of the most exclusive, expensive, and delicious bistros in the city. But with their engagement being such a whirlwind – planning a full-scale destination wedding in only five months' time – and the big day approaching fast, the past seven weeks have been extremely hectic and they've been having 'date nights' in or close to home. So Robin was delighted to see their favorite little bistro is where Barney brought her tonight. It seems a fitting place to be on their special night out.

Currently, they're waiting at the bar, Barney standing next to Robin, leaning in close to where she's sitting on the stool. Once their drinks have been delivered, he takes the opportunity to announce that their wedding planning is hereby officially over, raising his glass to toast her with what he happens to know is her favorite label of scotch.

His reminder of the chores of planning an elaborate wedding weekend makes Robin heave a little sigh of frustration; she can't help it. It _has_ been stressful and she's very glad it's over. It started out fun – the two of them devising together all the little details of their dream wedding – but then the effort of actually making those details into a reality turned into a headache. There are just so many little specifics and necessities to tend to, much more so than she ever would have thought. Yeah, everyone knows there are the dresses, the location, the flowers, but it's so much more than just those basics – and even hiring a wedding planner didn't remove those decisions from them. It only meant fewer calls to make and places to run around town. Which was something, but it's all the _choices_ that addle Robin's mind. She's never done traditional well and it's hard to know if she's making the right call.

But it's done now and she tries to set all that stress aside, swirling her scotch and savoring its flavor. And a second later Barney reads her mind, reiterating those same thoughts and declaring tonight "all about _relaxing_ and celebrating everything that makes us awesome."

Robin hums softly, smiling in pure happiness, not only because of how awesome they _are_ but merely because of the fact that somehow, by some miracle, there once again is an 'us'. They get to be an 'us' forever. They came tremendously, dangerously close to losing that permanently. Looking dotingly up at her fiancé, she's so very appreciative of what they have and she leans in toward him unconsciously. Barney too can't help but smile. They're caught up in a sentimental mood, relishing their love, but they both figure they have perfect license to be this sappy and Teddish on the very eve of their wedding, and all alone together with no one else to judge them.

Then Barney announces the icing on the cake: he's called ahead and secured them their favorite table. Robin's breath catches in her throat and her voice is soft and dreamy. "The one by the window." They both turn to look over at their table, all gooey and mushy-gushy but not caring in the least how silly they might seem to others. They're simply basking in a love that was incredibly hard-won.

Robin sighs and turns back to Barney as he reminisces aloud, "Where we were sitting the night we saw those two bums fighting."

She remembers it well and she reaches for his hand, rubbing it softly. "Over a sandwich," they finish in unison and then spill into laughter.

They continue to finish their story, finish each other's sentences one-by-one – how they almost called the cops but then they realized it wasn't actually a fight at all. "They were making love," Barney concludes. "_Over_ a sandwich."

Robin hums and nods her agreement, closing her eyes and rocking back and forth, lost in the memory. It was right after they'd gotten back together, in that first week before Christmas. It was a magical time where _everything_ was love and romance and nothing could touch them they were so lost in each other. They were perfectly in love, eating the perfect meal at the perfect table with the perfect view of the city. Even the two bums outside were in love. Her new engagement ring shone in the moonlight and Barney's hand found hers. After that, they rushed through what was left of their dinner to hurry home and spend the rest of the night in bed together. Back then, just the two of them being able to make love to each other again was still so new and precious. Looking up at Barney now, she can tell from his expression that he's remembering it too.

Awash in sentimentality over that December night, over their entire seven and a half year relationship, Barney suddenly remembers his other surprise for her, one that's equally as meaningful.

He reaches into his pocket and hauls out a bag with two cigars inside, and as soon as she sees them Robin knows, gasping in surprise and awe. Because these are not just any cigars, or even just any fine top-of-the-line cigars. These are _the_ cigars, _their_ cigars, from all the way back to their very first night together as bros, a precursor to the inseparable best friends they'd become before gradually falling in love and then becoming _everything_ to each other.

Barney produces them from the bag. "El Piramide." 'As the rollers call it', she'd reminded him once. Montecristo No. 2. "The first cigar we ever smoked together." There's such naked sentimentalism in his tone but he's not embarrassed of it. He _wants_ to let it show. He wants her to understand that _he_ remembers. He hasn't ever forgotten a single detail about her or them.

Robin takes the cigar from him, unable to do anything but murmur softly. She's fully aware that they're everything they swore they'd never become, could never even _understand_ years ago. But they _have_ become just that, naturally without even trying. This is _them_, and they don't mind it at all. They're happy to be goofily in love with each other, insane and sappy just as long as they're always insane and sappy _together_.

"Aww, _Barney_," she coos his name and he laughs, overflowing with love and happiness, so pleased that he's pleased her.

They both start inhaling the cigars, absorbing the aroma and letting it take them all the way back to that first night, letting it take them on a nostalgic tour through _all_ of their memories, all of their history, all of the times they've shared over their many years together, every one of them leading up to this moment in time – 6 days, 20 hours, and 55 minutes away from getting married.

But their memory tour is abruptly interrupted by an annoying couple who continuously complain about their cigars despite the fact that they're not even lit. And their newly discovered arch-enemies quickly take the night from awash in romanticism and mushy-gushy love to a competition – what they do best – a show of the might and awesomeness that is Barnman and Robin.

"Screw celebrating us," Robin announces. "You know what we're gonna do?"

In perfect sync, they answer together, "_Make those smug, obnoxious sons of bitches pay!_"

Their joint reaction, this thorough if violent example of their perfect compatibility, envelops them both in a warm and fuzzy feeling, reducing them to only 'aww's again. Because, with the two of them, even _this_ is romantic and awash in love, yet another special moment shared together. Giggling, they toast to each other.

This pretentious, douchy couple thinks they can steal _their_ table by the window and stick them by the kitchen where Barney is abused by the swinging door all night? Oh, no. Krirstin has no idea who she's dealing with. Robin and Barney plot against them together, accepting this challenge of sweet revenge together – they even have an evil laugh together. And though it's not exactly the sort of 'celebrating us' they had in mind, really it still is because they've always delighted in mischief. That has forever been _their_ thing: that first night together at laser tag, the only adults in the place, fiercely taking on a gaggle of sixth graders; completing Ted's Murtaugh list, including sneaking into a rave in the craziest getup; their night of touching a bunch of stuff at the Natural History Museum and getting temporarily detained by security; back when Marvin was still in the womb, sneaking a peek at his gender identification card just to giggle and bounce up and down and mercilessly tease Marshall and Lily, who still didn't want to know. The list goes on and on.

Eventually it's Robin – after Barney's shrewd observation about the male half of the other couple – who gets the ultimate idea on how to end this particular battle of mischief once and for all, and it surprisingly comes from her experience with Ted. She knows what it's like, through both Ted's and Kevin's proposals, to suddenly have marriage thrust in your face when you know deep down you're not as into the relationship as you should be.

When Robin gets back from the bathroom, from slyly depositing her ring in a champagne glass, she's pleased to see that Barney's one hundred percent on board. Anyone else would scold her for such outrageous, reckless behavior, but not him. Only she and Barney uniquely understand the fun of being more than just a little naughty – and not _just_ the fun of it but that it's actually yet another distinctive way of bonding.

Watching it all go down just as they knew it would, Barney and Robin – so synchronized, mind, body, and heart – reach across the table and toast to the awesomeness that is their love without even needing to look.

* * *

><p>Afterwards they take a walk through Central Park, and her vanished locket is the furthest thing from Robin's mind. They end up lounging contentedly on a bench with Barney's arm draped lazily over her shoulder and Robin resting against him as they enjoy the smooth taste of El Piramide.<p>

Laughing together at what an awesome turn-on it is to break up a long-term relationship because the other couple stole their table, Robin leans her hand against Barney's knee and they slap five this time, again without even needing to look. But to their amazement they soon discover that Krirstin and her fella did _not_ break up after all and are actually getting married now. He went from reluctant to pop the question to even taking her last name. And it's all because of them.

As their "arch enemies" walk away, leaving Barney and Robin alone together again, Barney grows contemplative and a smile lights up his face. "That was _us_. We made that happen." They are so awesome in so many ways. Infinitely stronger and better and so much _happier_ together as a unit than they ever were apart. Barnman and Robin. Mr. and Mrs. Stinson. Teaching the world how to live and be awesome simply through their example.

Barney's arm falls back around her, his thumb softly stroking Robin's shoulder as she watches the last trace of the other couple walking away, and she feels it too, recognizes the very same thing her fiancé just did. "We're pretty cool," she agrees. Who cares if they're not the cookie-cutter traditional couple like Marshall and Lily, or like Ted one day aspires to be? Because what they _are_ somehow works – amazingly, incredibly, outstandingly well. Just look at the way they excel and shine together! So what does it matter if they're not like everyone else? That's precisely what makes them awesome. And a unity of awesome can never fail.

She turns back to Barney, the undisputed love of her life, and she can't think of anything this moment calls for more than one of his patented catchphrases. "Hey, you know a week from today we are going to be…." She starts smirking even as she says it. "….legen – wait for it – " Barney catches on, smirking too. " – married."

They finish their new made-up word together: "_Legenmarried_."

Robin giggles delightedly. Barney can feel the bounce of her shoulder against his chest and side, and his heart is so full it feels like bursting. "Robin Scherbatsky," he lovingly smiles, tightening his arm around her. His voice turns serious, meaningful, layered in emotion. "I love you so damn much."

His avowal touches Robin's heart, makes it both melt and soar all at the same time. Most of all, it fills her with so much love. Her eyes drift to his mouth and she moves her hand to curl around his inner thigh. When she speaks again her voice is back to that tender and dreamy tone of when he first presented their cigars. "I love you too, Barney Scherbatsky," she teases him, which has always been their ultimate demonstration of love.

Barney is entirely absorbed in Robin's 'I love you', in her tone, in the way she's looking at him, and he leans in to kiss her when he suddenly realizes the _whole_ of what she's said. The little minx. He doesn't care what Krirstin and her guy do. He loves Robin to death but there's no way he's taking her name and the teasing little minx knows it.

"That sounds good," she continues to playfully banter off the look he shoots her. "Think about it."

A little fizzle of sheer joy rushes through Barney. He wants nothing more on earth than a _lifetime_ of teasing with Robin. But they'll save that for tonight in their bedroom where the teasing is the most enjoyable. Right now, he simply _has_ to kiss her. "Shh," he breathes, amused, bringing his mouth to hers.

The kiss goes on longer than either one of them originally intended. They have a habit of not being able to stop once they start. When they finally do break away, Robin sighs softly. "I can't believe you remembered our first cigar," she says, holding it up to him and then taking a long drag.

Barney follows suit and they go back to companionably smoking together. "How could I forget the first time I went bare pickle for you?"

Her laughter bubbles up pure and easy, like music to his heart. "Ohhh, that seems like forever ago."

"Seven years," he nods. "And I wanted to sleep with you even then – but more than just sleep with you," he corrects. "I wanted to sleep with you from the moment I first saw you. It was beyond _only_ that. By that first night of broing out, I'd gotten a chance to know you better, and you were undoubtedly the awesomest woman I'd ever met. But I knew Ted saw you as his and there was the problem of him thinking he was madly in love with you – and you, sadly, considering the notion too….once he fell for someone else, that is."

"Hey," Robin speaks up in mild defense.

"I call it as I see it," he smiles lightly. "Plus I knew it wasn't a good idea for the group anyway. I was just beginning to form the Platinum Rule back then. But you were so incredible that night; you overruled any reservations I'd had. I wasn't lying when I said I'd thought about the two of us together. A lot. At every angle. And I mean literally in every angle we could have done it in – all of them we _have_ done it in since, btw."

Grinning, she nudges his shoulder with her own. "I would have slept with you, you know." That has Barney's eyebrow shooting up in surprise. "If circumstances had been different, I would have. I mean of course I _wanted_ to. I'd been attracted to you from the beginning. You were so wild and crazy, yet sharp and witty and clever. You were like no one I'd ever known, with your dirty jokes and outrageous challenges, so fun and funny. But even back then _I_ knew it would ruin things with the rest of the group if we slept together. Even casually, even just the once…And there _was_ the Ted issue." Barney makes a face and Robin laughs. "In my defense, Ted was a sweet guy and I didn't know the _real_ you yet. But, Ted aside, I didn't want to be another notch on your bedpost, just another conquest, another 'challenge completed', another name on your list." He frowns thoughtfully and she curls her hand around his leg again. "Like I said, I didn't know the real you yet. You were just beginning to let him out. But, yeah, I was _always_ sexually attracted to you."

"Yeah you were," he grins smugly. "And I used to lose myself just staring at your mouth whenever we were sitting in the booth together. Sometimes I would miss entire conversations," he admits with a laugh.

Robin smiles. "But it was a good thing we didn't sleep together that night. It would've led to hurt feelings and amazing sex but the destruction of the friendship we were only just starting. It would've ended _anything_ between us and we never would've gotten to the place we are now."

Barney weighs it over while he takes another puff of his Piramide, blowing the smoke away on the mild night air. "Probably. Even though he said he gave his blessing, Ted would've had a fit, and Marshall and Lily would've been mad at me, and our friendship – yours and mine – wasn't strong enough yet to survive all that."

Robin shakes her head at the disturbing thought. "I never would have gotten to have you in my life or know what it feels like to have someone so perfectly understand you. Someone who just _gets_ you, and still accepts and loves every last part."

When she was with Ted, every day Robin lost a little bit more of herself in order to become this thing that he wanted, this idealized version of his dream woman. She was drowning. But every time she was with Barney – every time she stole away to spend so much as a few hours with him at the cigar bar or wing-womaning him out at MacLaren's – it was like coming up for air. She could breathe again. With Barney nothing was required of her. She didn't have to be anything but herself. It was free and easy and just…._real_. Being with each other was a safe space. They knew everything about each other – the good and the bad – and there was still no judgment, just acceptance and warm affection and even _appreciation_ for who they truly were. No changing, no hiding things, just Barney and Robin, wholly themselves, having fun and enjoying one another exactly as they are.

That's how it was and how it always has been. It's something she doesn't think the others have ever quite grasped, how wonderful it is to finally be loved that way, to finally have that connection after a lifetime of being misunderstood and rejected and never feeling quite good enough.

From that initial night after they watched "Sandcastles", Robin could tell it was _different_ with Barney in a way she couldn't even begin to explain yet. Smiling flirtatiously, she asks him, "Do you remember our first time?"

Barney turns to look at her. "Of course. I remember the very first cigar we ever smoked together. Do you really think I've forgotten a single _moment_ of the first time Lil' Barney went sliding – how do you once put it? – into your crease."

Robin crinkles her nose, giggling. "That's not exactly the way I said it, but it's a very graphic representation."

"Fine," he smirks. "Pet your kitty, made friends with your beaver, showed the – "

"Okay, Barney, I get it," she stops him or he'll be coming up with sex puns all night.

"The point is _of course_ I couldn't forget the first time we slept together." He laughs suddenly, thinking back on it. "I was a wreck."

Now it's her turn to shoot him a look. "What do you mean? It was _great._" That first time with Barney, everyone thought it was so different than what it was – something dirty and kinky and sordid – but it actually wasn't like that at all. It was surprisingly tender. She felt cherished that night with every kiss, every skilled yet remarkably caring brush of his hands over her body. And when he pressed inside her for the first time it felt…..well, it just felt shockingly, distressingly_ right_.

"No, the _sex_ was awesome," Barney corrects her with a wicked little chuckle. "I meant I was a wreck afterwards."

She nods with sudden understanding. "Over Ted."

"Over _you_." He can see she's surprised, confused even, so he elaborates. "I couldn't deny being with you felt different than anything I'd ever experienced. And, deep down, I knew the reason why: you were the only woman I'd ever had sex with who I actually had feelings for too. Sleeping with you forced me to face that head-on in a way I couldn't ignore. But there was still the problem of Ted, only in a different way now, and you wanted us to just go back to how we were before. So I used the whole Ted thing as a distraction from my feelings for you. Until I got hit by that bus and all I saw was you. Then there was no distracting myself anymore."

Robin sighs heavily, shaking her head at herself. "I shouldn't have made you pretend it never happened or promise to keep it a secret." She snubs out the last of her cigar, freeing up her other hand, which she slides over his as she meets and holds his gaze. "And that goes for the _second_ time we accidentally slept together too. I'll never forgive myself for that next night. I just love you, and the thought of you in my room, heartbroken, cleaning up the rose petals…." She trails off, emotions chocking her, leaving her unable to finish.

Barney nods sagely. "Like the night I found you crying at the shooting range. _I'll_ never forgive myself for that. We both made mistakes, Robin. It just wasn't the right time yet."

"We weren't ready for each other."

"But now we are." He too discards his cigar to gather her close in both his arms. "All of _this_ was waiting for us. We just had to get here, to this point in time."

Robin smiles poignantly, and then just has to laugh at the way she's stupidly brought the evening down. "I'm sorry. This isn't exactly 'celebrating us'."

"No," he replies seriously. "It's part of our story. It's okay to talk about it."

She leans into him, kissing him tenderly. "I'm _really_ glad this was waiting for us," she whispers, still close enough that her breath is warm and enticing against his lips. " 'Glad' doesn't even begin to describe it. I love you, Barney."

He smiles happily, teasing her with, "You just said that."

"I can't say it enough." She pushes up from the bench, taking his hand and pulling him up with her. "Come on," she says, throwing him a cheeky grin. "Let's go home and 'celebrate' some more."

* * *

><p>Two days later, on a Tuesday afternoon, Robin makes the short cab ride from WWN to GNB to meet Barney for a late lunch. They're getting married in just five days. It hits her again while she's taking the elevator up to his floor. While the thought is still part thrilling and part undeniably frightening, she's trying not to think too far past the moment they're in right now, just taking it one day at a time.<p>

Exiting the elevator, she's on her way to his office when she spots Barney through the clear glass of the GNB conference room gesturing with both hands in the air and standing before a rapt audience of similarly suited up business men sitting around the table. Arthur says something to him she can't make out but she sees Barney tilt his head to the side and answer something short in return.

Whatever's going on, Robin can tell the atmosphere is casual so she doesn't hesitate to interrupt, comfortable enough in Barney's work surroundings to open up the door and come right in. The moment Barney turns around and their eyes meet, her mouth instantly forms a smile. Five months in, he can still draw that reaction out of her – which is where the 'thrilling' part of getting married in five days comes in. "Aw, hey you. Ready for lunch?"

Barney smiles, his voice going low and intimate. "Totally." And he's already reaching for her.

Once they're close enough, he curls his hands around her waist and pulls her into him, into a kiss she's just as eager for. Her hands too are already reaching up to cup his neck before they've even made contact. They keep it chaste and restrained in front of the others in this professional environment, but Barney hums his soft approval and Robin feels his hand glide down to pat her hip even as he pulls away to go open the door for her.

Out in the hallway, where they have a modicum of privacy, Barney snakes his arm back around Robin's waist, his hand moving up to slide into the open slit in the back of her dress, finding her bare skin. She knows her fiancé well. She fully expected his hand to make its way there within the first five minutes.

"So what was that all about back there with Arthur?" she asks him.

The question changes his smile from soft and content back to a wide grin of enthusiasm and anticipation. "I was just telling the guys how _legendary_ our wedding is going to be."

Robin smiles, humming softly now herself and nudging closer into Barney's side.

"And then Arthur asked if I wanted a prenup," he mentions nonchalantly.

She stops in her tracks and regards him with narrowed eyes. "And what did _you_ say?"

"I told him the truth; I don't need one this time," Barney shrugs, smiling in amusement at her hint of indignation. "Not only are you and I never getting divorced."

"True that," she interrupts, and they high five up top and again behind the back.

"But," he continues, laughing, "I know _you_ aren't interested in my money."

"That's true too." The corner of her mouth quirks up thoughtfully. "Having a filthy rich husband _is_ nice," she admits, to which Barney smiles proudly, "but I have my own money, thank you very much. Robin Scherbatsky doesn't need no sugar daddy."

"No, she does not."

"And, besides," she continues, smirking now too, "I'm far more interested in your other qualities."

His answer is quick, his tone suggestive. "I know you are." And he slips his hand into the back of her dress again.

"Yes," Robin says, capturing his gaze with teasing, knowing eyes. "….Like your caring heart, your clever jokes, and all the incredibly sweet things you say to me when no one else is around."

"I'll take it," he says just as they stop before the elevator and he presses the down button. "But that's not exactly _all_ you love about me."

Her mouth curves into a sex-heavy smile. "Oh, Lil' Barney and a few of your other very talented parts are certainly worth their weight in gold. I'd marry you for the multiple orgasms alone." She lets out a sigh that melts into a low, dirty giggle. "Who am I kidding? I'd marry you for just that one thing you do with your tongue."

Barney chuckles provocatively, pulling her flush against him. "Are we gonna do it in my office again?"

She knows he's referring to the last time she met him at work this way. Usually he comes to her at WWN on lunch breaks whenever he can, but this was for dinner. It was in early March and Barney was working like crazy on a big merger. A whole week's worth of fourteen hour days and coming home late at night exhausted and stressed, missing out on any group or MacLaren's time. Barney's career means a lot to him and Robin gets that better than anyone else. She remembered how upset he'd been when he almost lost his job back in 2010 and again in 2011 with the whole Arcadian mess. And she also remembered his preferred method for coping with work stress: sex. So by that particular week's end, when he still wasn't home from work at nine o'clock, she came to him at his office….

**March 2013**

Robin breezes through the door to Barney's office, laden with takeout Chinese containers. He grins brightly when he glimpses her in the doorway and stands up to greet her, glad for the welcome respite from work.

"Hey, I didn't expect to see you."

"I missed you." Robin shuts the door firmly behind her; it locks automatically. "You've been working too much," she frowns, approaching him.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just this is a _huge_ merger for us. I'm talking insane bonus when it's all over. Seriously, that one check will more than cover the cost of our whole wedding and honeymoon combined. But, barring any last minute hiccups, it's all set to go through tomorrow if I can just nail this conference call later tonight."

Robin sets their dinner down on the cabinet behind his desk, slipping out of her coat and tossing it onto the chair. "I'm sure you'll do great, Barney. You could always talk anyone into anything." She walks up to him, gliding her hands up his shoulders and kissing him.

"Thanks, Robin," he whispers when they break away, but she can sense the tension still there in his neck and shoulders.

Without a word, she kisses him again, longer and deeper this time. Then, holding eye contact, she takes her shirt off, lifting it up and over her head. Tossing it aside, she reaches for him, kissing him passionately now.

Barney hadn't seen this coming but he's more than game. Sighing into the kiss, he runs his fingers along all the soft skin she's bared. "Are you giving me comfort sex?" he murmurs against her lips, his voice dually amused and aroused.

"Hmm, more along the lines of sex to de-stress," she tells him, loosening his tie and throwing it down next to her shirt before starting on the buttons on his. "You need a pleasant distraction. You need some lovin' – and I know just how you like it." Sliding his shirt and jacket off together, she presses her body intimately to his.

"_Yeah_ you do," he growls, skimming his hands down her curves to her bottom. She reaches around to take off her bra and his hands immediately go there next. "Can we do it on the couch?" he asks eagerly. "Right out in the open? Those gaps in the frosted glass are still there," he says, teasing her with his words and his hands.

"Better yet." Robin unzips her skirt and lets it fall to the ground. "We can do it right here," she entices, sliding up onto his desk. Scooching to the edge, she grabs Barney's hips and pulls him to her as she opens her legs to welcome him, already wrapping them around his waist.

**March 2013**

Robin shakes herself from the memory, but the tingles it evoked still remain. "Absolutely. We're going to do it _all_ over your office. After all, you're about to move to the new headquarters."

Barney nods wistfully. "I'm so glad I had Ted replicate my old office down to the inch."

She smiles at how adorably sentimental he is. For all his oft-quoted talk of 'new is always better', her fiancé has always been a creature of habit – sad to let go of his childhood home, so attached to the same apartment, the same office, the same booth at his regular bar, the same laser tag place, the same cigar bar, the list goes on and on. And he's been in love with her, the same girl, for years and years.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Robin alluringly proclaims, "We've got to send this office out with a bang."

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" Barney sighs blissfully.

"You can show me when we get back to your office…." She moves in to kiss him just as the elevator dings its arrival. "But let's _actually_ have lunch first this time. I'm starving."

* * *

><p>Back in his office after lunch, Barney's busy on a conference call he had to take – settling the last minute details on another big deal that's going down while he's on honeymoon – but Robin's more than ready to get sexy. She's already closed the blinds, both to the hallway and the outside window, and secured the door to his office.<p>

A slow, eager smile spreads across Barney's face the moment he ends the call. He was all set for some 'afternoon delight' too when his secretary buzzed in, interrupting them before they could even get started. "Now, Robin, tell me more about doing it all over the office."

He looks up at her for the first time since setting the phone back in its cradle only to find she's no longer there. All at once she's suddenly behind him, leaning over him and rubbing a piece of cold metal against his neck seductively. "I took your bathroom key," she whispers enticingly near his ear. "What are you gonna do about it?"

Barney gets up from his desk and turns to Robin, his face hungry as he watches her rub the key across her cleavage now. "Ah, yes. You still think it's crazy-hot for a man to tell you when you can and can't pee." Wrapping his arms around her, he draws her body fully against him. "My soon-to-be-wife is so kinky," he brags before quickly slipping into the sex play she craves this afternoon. He slaps her bottom with what he's expertly learned is the perfect amount of pressure – too light and she doesn't get off on it, too hard and he worries he'll hurt her – and Robin moans in enjoyment. "You love it when I'm in control, don't you?" She doesn't answer verbally but her lips find his neck and she begins lightly grinding against his thigh, which says it all. "Well, as you can see, I'm a very powerful man here at GNB. I can bend anyone to my will."

"_Barney_," she breathes when he spanks her again, more a gratified whimper than an audibly spoken word, and she's practically vibrating with desire. "Bend me any way you like. What's your will with me; what do you want?"

He grips her hips and his eyes slide closed as she bites his neck, sucking at his skin. "Oh you know what I want from you," he answers, moving around behind her. "And you're going to give it to me, aren't you?" Dropping the BDSM act for a moment, Barney leans down to whisper to her in his usual tone. "Remember 'flugelhorn', okay?" He waits until she makes eye contact, nodding and giving him a genuine smile that's all Robin and not just role-play. Once he has that assurance, he reaches up to cup her breasts, his thumbs playing over her lusciously and she arches her back into him, moaning, "_Yes_….Barney….I'll give you _everything_."

Eventually they wind up in the bathroom so he can tie her hands up to the hook on the back of the door with the very tie he'd been wearing, something that's a particular fetish of hers: creative, sexy bondage using his ties. After teasing her to distraction, he finally lifts her up onto him for hot, primal, intense sex against the closed bathroom door. It ends with a bang alright. Robin's body snaps taut with pleasure and she knocks her head against the door but she doesn't even feel it. No matter how wild it gets, in all these years they've still never even used their safe word once.

"Sorry….I was….so loud," she pants happily, her heart still going a mile a minute.

Barney laughs languidly into her neck. "The louder the better…..You know I love to make you scream."

"Yes, but not in your office." He chuckles in that dirty way he only does right before, during, or after sex – that low and visceral sound that always trips along her spine, sparking off signals to all the right places – and her toes curl against his calves in residual pleasure as he slowly brings her back down to her feet.

"Look at you….." he breathes, his eyes doing just that, trailing over every inch of her. She's naked from head to toe, her skin flushed from exertion, her hair fallen loose from its ponytail. She looks pleasantly ravaged, and still tied to the door like an offering. "Let's do it again," he requests, practically a groan.

Robin shakes her head regretfully. "I have to get back to World Wide News. I'm on the air in two hours."

Barney pouts playfully but unties her all the same.

The second her hands are freed she runs them over his bare chest and shoulders. "I didn't get to do that before." Moving a hand up the back of his neck, she pushes her fingers into his hair and presses her mouth to his in one last tongue-tangling kiss. "Okay," she sighs, finally breaking the kiss. "I should be good until tonight."

He grins delightedly. "Being married to you is gonna be _awesome_."

* * *

><p>Before they know, it's Thursday night and they'll be leaving for Farhampton and their weekend wedding in the morning.<p>

Showing how thoughtful and romantic he is, Barney had flowers sent to Robin at the apartment earlier in the day as a pre-wedding gift to his bride along with a handwritten note so achingly _beautiful_ it actually made her cry. Even his flower selection was eloquent and meaningful: red roses, the flower that symbolizes love, with white hydrangeas, symbolizing gratefulness and heartfelt emotion; three sentiments which were perfectly encapsulated in his note.

Then, following both of their last days at work until after the honeymoon, Robin and Barney enjoyed a cozy, intimate dinner for two on the roof of the World Wide News building, another surprise of his to commemorate the place of their engagement and a memory the two of them will never forget as long as they live. Then they stopped by the bar to enjoy one quick drink on the house, along with the final congratulations of Carl and the rest of his staff, before going back home to enjoy each other.

And enjoying each other physically is something they'll have to get their fill of now thanks to the no-sex rule for the nights leading up to their wedding. The idea came from Marshall and Lily's wedding – point of fact, from Lily herself, who forced them to comply. She literally wouldn't let them leave her apartment last week until they agreed. It's supposed to make the wedding night and honeymoon all the more special for two people who are already living together. Or so _she_ said, and Barney and Robin supposed that it did make sense – plus they just really wanted to leave.

Right now, it's still officially the night _before_ their wedding weekend begins, so they're still free and clear of the rule. Right now, they're lying on their bed together, kissing furiously, down to just their underwear with her legs wrapped around his hips as they grind against each other even through that barrier because they simply cannot wait. Right now, Robin is in ecstasy, wondering how she ever survived all those years without Barney. There's the fun and the conversation and just the unique _joy_ of being in love with and getting to spend forever with your best friend, living together intimately, never needing to say goodnight and be apart. And then there's coming home at night – and often waking up in the morning – to _this_. The kind of passionate, fiery chemistry that never goes away.

Barney reaches down and hooks his fingers into her panties, sliding them off as she lifts up her hips and helps to kick them away. On the way back up her body he pauses to softly kiss her heat, tease her a little with his tongue. At her appreciative moan, he smiles, teases her once more before pushing the rest of the way up.

Once they're face to face, she wraps her arms around his back, pulling him down to kiss her again and enjoying that for several moments before remarking, "You know, the next time we do this we'll be married."

Damn, Barney thinks, so they're still really doing that then. "Hm, I guess so."

He frowns and Robin knows the feeling. She's not into the idea either; she'd rather have Barney into _her_. But Lily insists this abstinence until the wedding night thing is important – and surely they can survive two days without having sex with each other. But, with Barney's mouth now at her chest, she's starting to have serious doubts that they can, especially at the romantic, seaside Farhampton Inn.

Maybe Lily's got it all wrong and _they_ were wrong to follow her advice. They're not trying to force themselves into a too traditional box again, are they? "Are we going to become one of those boring, sex-less married couples?"

Barney lifts his head from her skin to glance down at her. "_Us_? No way. We'll still be rockin' the sex swing when we're ninety."

Robin laughs, pulls his mouth back down to her breast, and with that confirmation she knows they'll let no box – traditional or otherwise – contain them. Then he's shedding his boxer briefs and the two of them are at last coming together.

The sensation of him inside her will never get old. Before one another, neither Robin nor Barney even realized that sex could feel good in ways beyond just the physical. But together they have such an amazing connection. They feel so close to each other when they're making love, like they really have melted into one being and they can't tell where she stops and he starts. It's not just sex. It's a skin-tingling, soul-stirring, transcendent experience – and, okay, _really_ hot sex too – but they used to think such a higher concept was ridiculous, until the two of them fell in love and they experienced just that together.

Afterwards, they lie against the pillows, boneless and sated, enveloped in the afterglow. "Uhhh, Barney, that was _incredible_," she tells him, still trembling.

Winded, he smiles in consensus. "That _was_ a good one. I saw stars there at the end," he admits, a bit stupefied, making her laugh softly at his side. "And the next time, we'll do it as husband and wife."

Now that they've taken care of the needs of her body and heart, Robin's mind has started niggling again, latching on to that astonishing thought. They're so close to their wedding that the very next time they have sex will be _after_ they're married. "Yeah…." she replies, trailing off, and there's a small silence between them where only their labored breathing can be heard in the bedroom.

After a few seconds, Robin pushes up onto her side to really look at him. Her next words come out tentatively because she's a little afraid to say them, but she thinks she needs to share at least some of her anxiety with him. "That's kind of a big deal, you know?"

Barney holds her gaze and nods. "It _is_ a big deal. That's what makes it exciting." But he hasn't failed to read the other emotion he sees in her eyes, and he knows the feeling well; he's experienced it himself. "And scary too."

She lets out an audible sigh of relief. "I'm so glad to hear you say that," she smiles. "I thought maybe it was just me."

"Nah," he shakes his head against the pillow, turning on his side to curl an arm around her and gently stroke her back. "But that's normal. That's _okay_."

Robin nods her agreement. "The best things are always scary."

"Because they're so worthwhile," Barney points out.

"Yeah, like the way you felt as a kid the night before your first day of school." Robin's felt that so many times in her life, this same sort of nervous anticipation – just like Barney said, whenever she's taking a worthwhile risk – where she's looking forward to it yet fearing it at the same time.

"Exactly. Or right before you leave on vacation." He used to get that way every time on the night before family trips or business trips or even occasionally sexcations to the Caribbean, and James would have to talk him down. It's that charged up feeling where you can't wait to get there but that doesn't stop your mind from conjuring up all the ways it could go wrong: what if your flight's delayed; what if the hotel's overbooked; what if it rains the whole time you're there; what if the resort's full of nothing but 3s at best.

"Or on a trans-Canadian mall tour," she adds.

At that, Barney's expression melts into charmed delight. "I love you, Robin Sparkles Scherbatsky Stinson."

Robin murmurs softly, snuggling closer to him. "Mmm, Barney, I love you _so_ _much_." She tilts her head to sweetly kiss him, her hand playing over his chest in a gentle caress. "But you know," she says, sending him a soft look across the pillow, "Robin Sparkles Scherbatsky Stinson is going to be awfully long to hyphenate. So….maybe just Stinson."

Barney sets his hand tenderly over hers on his chest. The thought of her taking his name, truly being a Stinson, being _his_, for the rest of their lives is almost too wonderful to be real. After a beat of just looking at each other adoringly, he breaks into an amorous smile. "I'll give you some Stinson," he says suggestively, rolling her onto her back and hovering above her, propped up on an elbow on either side of her ribs, capturing her in his embrace.

She smiles impishly. "One more time while we're still single, then?"

"One more time. It's got to hold us for the next seventy-two hours."

He bends to kiss her lips lingeringly; then his mouth decadently glides down her neck and to her chest, making Robin sigh. "Better make it two times."

Barney grins devilishly, sliding down to disappear underneath the sheet.

* * *

><p>The next morning, as they're getting ready to actually leave the city now, Robin's back to feeling nervous again.<p>

It's 10 a.m. Fifty-six hours until their wedding ceremony begins. They're not even down to single digit days anymore but measuring the distance in hours at this point, and she's started to feel the stress and even a touch of panic creep back in as they've gone about their morning routine.

Robin scolds herself inwardly because of it. Though they've already packed throughout the week and her dress is being sent right to the inn, she still should be going through the luggage one last time just to be sure instead of standing her freaking herself out. But she feels tense and rooted to her current spot beside the couch, lost in a nervous daze.

Before she can get any further than that, Barney comes rushing from the bedroom, carrying their bags. "Come on. We gotta go," he spurs her along.

"Wait," she requests, her tone and features uneasy as she throws her purse into her larger overnight bag. Is she ready? Does she have everything? Is she _ready_? "What am I forgetting?" She feels like she has the weight of a million thoughts on her – from her own personal fears about marriage, to worrying that ever last detail of the wedding goes the way it should, to desperately trying to run through a checklist in her mind of all the things she'll need for this weekend, the wedding itself, the wedding night, their honeymoon.

"Nothing. You're not forgetting anything," he tells her. They've been over the checklist of things to pack at least a dozen times in the past few days. Juggling the luggage to reach for the knob, he nods toward the now-open door. "Come on. Let's go."

Concentrating on just breathing, Robin grabs her bag and hurries after him.

Barney hasn't missed her frazzled state. He's seen it coming on ever since he woke her up this morning. But he realizes in this moment that now is no time to rush. He needs to calm and soothe her, reassure her that it's all going to be okay, remind her of the reason why they're taking this scary leap: because they love each other and always will; because what they have is magic. "Oh, wait. _I'm_ forgetting something."

"What?" she asks in a scared beleaguered little voice.

He waits until she gets up on the step with him, only an arm's reach away, and then he does just that, reaching out to her and pulling her into a passionate kiss. Barney pours all of the feeling of nearly eight years' worth of loving her into that kiss.

And, just like he'd hoped, his kiss breaks the spell. It pops the bubble of panic and nerves she was caught up in and brings Robin back to herself again as she clutches on to his arm and pours all her love right back. Even as the kiss ends, her eyes stay closed a second, soaking in the feeling, and she smiles at him in blissful contentment.

Barney smiles back, cooing at her with all the happiness and excitement of a little boy on Christmas morning about to get everything he's ever wanted. "Let's go get married."

Robin grins brightly, so happy, in utter delight. She wishes she could bottle this feeling. Because she wants this; she's eager for it. "_Yeah_." She hurries out the door of their apartment, giggling and squealing with excitement. This is _exhilarating_. How could standing on the precipice of a dream about to come true not be?

Once they're down the elevator and exiting their building, Robin puts her hand to Barney's shoulder appreciatively as he not only balances all of their bags but even holds the door open for her too. And when she steps outside, she's greeted with one final surprise from her soon-to-be husband: a limo – and, fittingly, Ranjit to drive them off to get married.

She turns to Barney, enraptured. He's just perfect. It's so like him to do exactly what she needed without even having to ask and without giving a thing away, entirely surprising her, which isn't an easy thing to do. She sets her hand to his cheek, to the side of his neck, and he smiles at her lovingly as she leans in and softly kisses him.

When they break away, Barney brings their bags around to the trunk while Robin hugs Ranjit, squealing with happiness again. She's about to marry the love of her life. It doesn't get any better than this.

Once they're all inside and Ranjit pulls the limo away from the curb, Barney and Robin can't help but get lost in thought, thinking about how far they've come to make it here. It really wasn't all that long ago when they both were sure they'd lost each other for good, and the fact that it's still so fresh in their minds how horrible life without each other had been makes this moment all the more poignant. Even after five months, it's still so refreshing just to be able to say 'I love you' and to openly admit they want to marry each other. They've been through so very, very much to get here; they're never letting go, never taking that for granted.

Barney smiles wonderingly. He's still blown away by the fact that he gets to be with _Robin_. He used to think it was impossible, but he gets to have that now. And he's so _happy_ to have her, the dream he thought could never be. He has it _all_ now, with her. His entire wildest dream. A burst of soft laughter rushes out of him at how it's all come together perfectly.

Robin knows that same feeling. Her world has been opened up to a happiness with Barney that she never thought would actually get to be hers. And all her old fears – and even that empty locket box – don't matter, because she's heading off to her forever, her happily ever after. She loves this man so much. She's _thrilled_ to be his wife. Nervous excitement has been bubbling through her all morning, but right now in this very moment at least the excitement far outweighs her nerves, bringing a gentle smile to her lips.

Robin reaches out and takes Barney's hand, holding it tightly in her lap with both hands as they head out of the city.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I received a concerned review about the content (ironically of a very old chapter for an episode that actually contains said love scene) without a warning, so here is my general warning: this is an adult story with a very hard "T' rating that may always contain adult themes and sexual content, as does the show itself. In my opinion, "How I Met Your Mother" is not even an appropriate show for anyone easily offended by these things so I don't know why any such person would be reading these stories to begin with, but there you go.


	49. 901

**AN:** Welcome to Season 9 everyone! For this final season I might switch things up a little bit. In the past, particularly with Season 7 and early Season 8 too, it was necessary to really get inside the heads of Barney and Robin to better explain their feelings and motivations and sometimes just plain what on earth were they thinking with some of their actions. I'll still be doing that in Season 9 when it's called for. However, now that Barney and Robin are back together, in the fairly straightforward wonderfully happy episodes like 9.01 where there isn't really much hidden beneath the surface to explain and explore, I'm going to focus on filling in the gaps with additional related scenes that could fit into the episode. Think of it as the deleted scenes or bonus content on the season DVDs!

* * *

><p><strong>The Locket<strong>

They've been driving for an hour now with Ranjit at the wheel and in that time Barney and Robin have collectively gotten texts from the entire gang – Marshall, assuring Barney he's ready to board the plane back to NYC; Lily, telling Robin she and Ted are driving up together and should be there around noon; and Ted promising that his sightseeing detours won't make them late to arrive.

In between texts and watching the changing scenery of the coast, the two of them have been chatting in general about their wedding. It's a head spinning time with so many little details to ensure go off without a hitch and family members flying in from all over to boot, but it's all coming together and they couldn't be happier. Because _they_ are finally together now, finally getting married, it's finally happening.

"Barney," Robin turns to him, bubbling with excitement. "We're really doing this."

"Yes, we are," he smiles, cupping his palm over her knee, his thumbing rubbing gentle patterns over her thigh.

"In exactly…." She checks the clock on her phone, doing a little quick internal math. "….fifty-five hours we're getting married."

Barney grins and, whiz with numbers that he is, _his_ math comes even quicker and more effortlessly. "And it only took us sixty-one months to get here."

Robin crinkles her forehead at him inquisitively. "That's counting from when?"

"The first time we spent the night together," he clarifies. "Now if we're talking the night we first met, it's about….ninety-two months. Or if we're starting with the first time we bro-ed out and the original bare pickle incident then it's more like eighty-eight months. But we were still – "

"Getting to know each other then," she finishes with him.

"Awww," they beam at their joint response; it's becoming a thing for them.

"Right," Barney continues, "so probably the first time we kissed _and_ slept together – cause B-wild and R-crazy don't do nothing halfway – is where we should start counting."

"Probably," she agrees. "Either way, the point is it took us a long time to get here."

"Too long. But we're finally here and that's all that matters." Barney shoots her a sexy look as he takes to rubbing up and down her leg now. "I'm about to make you my wife."

Robin smiles, taking ahold of his lapel and humming approvingly as she pulls him closer. "And I'm about to make you my husband."

"_I want to be your husband_," Barney murmurs, his eyes hooded and his expression hungry.

Robin laughs, and she's looking at him _that_ way – that soft, wanting way that always gets him, that immediately sets his heart to racing. "Is that so?"

"Oh yeah."

She smirks, raising her eyebrow invitingly. "Then get over here; we should practice that first married kiss." She pulls him in the rest of the way, into an enjoyable kiss that makes them both crave more. Tilting his head, Barney deepens the kiss, and with the two of them Robin knows that if they keep this up in another five minutes or so clothing will start coming off for some backseat lovin'; it's a long drive to Farhampton.

She slowly draws back, giving him a look that's half gobsmacked, half pure visceral heat. "We are _so_ not doing the whole abstinence until our wedding night thing."

"_No_," Barney emphasizes leaning in for one more long kiss before letting her go to sit back in her seat again. "We should've known we can't keep our hands off each other that long."

"Yeah, what was I thinking? Of course we'll be having sex right up to the 'I do's. Maybe even _during_ the 'I do's. After all, I'm marrying Barney Stinson," she teases.

"Very true. But remember your bachelorette party?"

Robin's teasing smile turns instantly chagrined because she knows he has her there. It was three weeks ago…..

* * *

><p>**flashback**<p>

* * *

><p>As much as she'd secretly imagined herself married when she was young, and over the more recent years her heart had even given a name and identity – Barney Stinson – to that once hazy indistinct hope, as traditional as she'd gone with the other aspects of the planning of her upcoming wedding, Robin still remained convinced that having a bachelorette party would be cheesy. A clichéd night of getting drunk, acting foolish, and embarrassing yourself in front of whatever poor unfortunate male crosses paths with the cacophony of chortling, rowdy bridesmaids. Making yourself look ridiculous all in the name of 'getting married in the morning' is just not her style. And what's the sense of going out to <em>Woooo!<em> one last time when she's already explained to Lily that Wooing isn't anything to feel nostalgic for. Wooing is about sadness and longing; Woo Girls are to be _pitied_. Now that she has Barney forever, she'll never have to go out and _Woooo!_ again. But, nevertheless, Lily proclaimed this her one and only chance to throw a raucous bachelorette party worthy of any chick flick and therefore she insisted Robin _would_ be having one, no room for debate.

Now that the night in question has rolled around, Robin quickly discovers it's just as bad as she thought it would be. The first stop of the evening for the party that includes all of herself, Lily, Patrice, and Carly – who Barney did _not_ want included in any such debauchery but she'd invited herself and there was no way out of it – is at an all-male strip club. Lily had suggested that to avoid the bachelorette clichés Robin detested they could go to a _female_ strip club to see a little girl-on-girl action instead….maybe have a few martinis and then get up on stage and just be stupid….but Robin nixed that plan. If she has to be a captive audience watching someone get naked it's at least going to be a dude.

But she's got to give Lily credit; she did pick a good club. These guys have the looks and talent straight out of _Magic Mike_. But she feels weird about the whole thing, oddly nervous and unsettled, and she starts downing shots right away to loosen up. As the night wears on, there's all sorts of beefcake, straight-up eye candy on display and she tries her hardest to enjoy it. Ordinarily Robin can relish a six-pack, chiseled pecks, and cut biceps as well as the next girl, more so even as she's always had an ample hunger for the male body that she's never bothered to hide or deny. Mama likes her sugar. She appreciates a man who's got the body to satisfy her and the skill to use his equipment to both of their advantage. And this is her _bachelorette party_, her last night to innocently delight in the sort of detached, base pleasure that comes from watching random man shaking what their mama gave them all for her benefit. She wants to be able to objectify these nameless hotties – and they certainly have the parts to objectify – yet she finds herself unmoved by them. Their exploits and seductive dancing are suggestive enough to turn her on and leave her all hot and bothered, sure enough, but she finds they only makes her want her _fiancé_. It only makes her wish Barney and _his_ teasing eyes and hot, hard body were here to drag into the nearest bathroom stall and relieve the throbbing ache being surrounded by all of this unadulterated sex has awakened in her.

But of course Barney isn't here at her bachelorette party, a time when her future husband is supposed to be the furthest thing from her mind, and she can't simply go home to him either because Lily would have a fit. So Robin keeps downing the drinks instead, because if she can't even enjoy the ogling she's going to need _something_ to get her through the night.

Another half an hour in and everyone keeps insisting there's no way out of the 'bride's lap dance' she'll be forced into before their time at Hot Buns comes to an end. And Robin knows she'll need to take herself from plain old drunk – which she's already achieved – to wasted out of her mind to make it through that.

Several drinks and what could be hours but under the haze of alcohol seems like only minutes later, the disembodied voice over the loud speaker soon announces, "Philippe is making his way over to the Scherbatsky table to give the bride-to-be the final nudge into matrimony – and Philippe never nudges with his hands, ladies!"

That brings Robin around to a sudden awareness of her surroundings once more. The idea of this guy touching her in any way at all is far from appealing to her and she downs the full glass before her of something bittersweet and dark red that may or may not be hers but certainly packs a powerful kick. Then she uses the ensuing chaos of Philippe's decent from the stage – complete with flashing lights, the thrumming beats of the blasting music, and the overexcited whoops and hollers of dozens of women in heat whipped into a frenzy through a combination of oiled up muscles and rhythmic thrusting – to make her escape.

Racing away, Robin stumbles out of the club and onto the sidewalk, dazed by the sudden bright lights of the city and shivering in the night air that's about ten degrees cooler than the stifling, too-many-bodies-in-one-small-area temperature of the strip club. So drunk she has to concentrate on walking straight, she still manages to successfully hail a cab.

There is just one place she wants to be tonight. Mama needs her sugar, all right. She needs it from one man superficially, one man _only_. And if she's going to have her way, she's getting it _right now_.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later in the peaceful quiet of his apartment, watching SNL on the huge bedroom TV because there's nothing else to do with Robin gone, Barney receives a call from Lily warning him that the bride-to-be has gone AWOL. According to Lily, his errant fiancée was three sheets to the wind when she went missing from the strip club they were at. Apparently in her inebriated state Robin kept muttering something about wanting to see him, so they think she may be headed home. Either that or she's been kidnapped and they need to alert the authorities.<p>

"Okay, Lily, let's just calm down." He can tell from her voice that she's not exactly sober herself. "I have no doubt that Robin can take care of herself. I know for a fact she was carrying concealed tonight. There's no way any kidnapper got the jump on her. If she left it was because _she_ wanted to – probably because your party was so lame." At least he hopes it was lame.

"No, Barney, you don't understand how _druuunnnk_ she was. She may not even know what she's doing. I think we might have to call 911."

"Alright, Lil," he humors her. "I think we should just wait a few more minutes before we get the police involved. Give Robin time to make it here if she really is on her way. I'll try her cell myself. She'll answer if it's me. I'll let you know if she shows up in the meantime."

"Fine, Barney," Lily answers – after hiccupping loudly into the phone. "But if she's dead, it's on you."

Barney ends the call, shaking his head and wondering aloud, "How much did they have to drink tonight?" He really hopes this isn't one of those times when he has to track Robin down in Canada; he's starting to rack up frequent flier miles to the Great White North. Shuddering at the thought, his finger is just hovering over the call button on her contact icon when he hears a commotion out in the other room.

"Barndoor! Where are you? 'Cause I'm about to be all kinds of open for you….."

"Robin?" Barney calls, hurrying down the hallway. He's relieved to see her safely at home rather than spending the night following after her drunken spree, either in Canada itself or down at the Hoser Hut where she's quite adorably breaking some guy's nose; at least she's a citizen now. But one look tells him the booze has definitely gotten the better of her just the same. She's wobbly on her feet and has already kicked off her heels back up on the landing; her purse is strewn somewhere near the couch.

"Hey there, Big Boy." To her eyes he _does_ look big and bad in all the places that count. Shirtless and barefoot, looking fresh from the shower and wearing only a pair of thin Armani pajama pants, he's already dressed for bed – which means he's ready for her. "You're just the man I'm looking for. How bout you get on over her and show me how happy you are to see me?"

"Wow," Barney chuckles softly, walking the rest of the way into the living room. "Lily was _not_ kidding."

Robin comes weaving up to him unevenly, all in his personal space with clear intent in her eyes. He can smell the bourbon on her. Bourbon always gets her in the mood as it is – and she seems to have drunk a ton of it tonight…..all while being in a highly sexualized atmosphere. All of which means Barney has a fair and quite pleasant idea of where this evening is going to take them.

"So what happened at your bachelorette party?" he asks her. "You didn't enjoy yourself?"

"_No_." And it's all his fault too. "But I'm about to," she purrs, pushing up against him.

His hands go instinctively to her waist. "You didn't like the strip club? Tell me what happened, Robin."

"I'll tell you….." Lunging in, she kisses him suddenly, sucking his lower lip into her mouth and nibbling him, even tugging his lip back out with her retreating mouth to savor every last second as she draws away, ending the kiss. "In the bedroom, I'll tell you," she bribes him.

And why the hell not, Barney wonders. He's spent the last two hours burned up with jealousy wondering what male stripper Robin has her hands all over. But he's having a bachelor party of his own – at least Marshall and Ted are supposed to be planning _something_ – so it was only fair that Robin get to have hers too. That didn't stop the thought of what she might be doing from driving him mad, though. He couldn't even stay at the bar with Ted above five minutes before he got so distracted he had to leave. Having Robin back home again wanting to get frisky with _him_ is a vast improvement on the images his mind had been conjuring up, so moving this party to their bedroom is certainly agreeable to him – and he really _would_ like to hear what happened to make her run out like that.

Once they're in their bedroom Robin unclips the belt that's accentuating her slim waist, hurling it across the room, heedless of where it lands or what it hits on the way. "All the men were ripped. Like, twelve packs. They could've been cut out of rock," she informs him, making Barney frown. In an over-the-top drunken whisper that's not really a whisper at all, she adds, "And they were dancing _provocatively_."

She throws her arms out to gesture and the movement makes her start to tilt. Barney reaches out and steadies her with a hand to her hip, letting go only once he's sure she's steady on her feet again.

"They were dancing for _me_, but I couldn't even enjoy it cause all I wanted was you. None of the others would do. So I said to myself 'Scher – Scherba – Scherbatsky," she slurs, "what's the matter with you? Why can't you be more like Lily?' She was rubbing all over this guy's abs while she stuffed money in his G-string," Robin explains, slipping her fingers just beneath the waistband of Barney's pants to demonstrate, making him jerk involuntarily at the intimate contact. "And I thought 'why can't you just enjoy the fantasy that way?' But you know something?"

"What?" he smiles down at her, because plastered Robin is absolutely adorable.

"My real life is better than some fantasy with those….those….meatheads. The way I feel with you is better." Then her voice turns to pure sex. "What you do for me is better. So do it. Get over here, mister, and give it to me real good." She presses herself against him and starts kissing his neck, gliding eager hands across his pecks all the while. "See, this kind of rubbing I like."

Reassured and flattered to hear the story of how Robin's night _actually_ went, as well as undeniably turned on by her revelation and behavior, he gives over to her straightaway. "Alright, baby. Whatever you want, you've got it." His hands alight on her hips, keenly sliding down to her behind. "What should I do to you? Where to you want me to start?"

She looks up from kissing his neck. "Even if they were meatheads, ogling hot bodies is what you're supposed to do at your bachelorette party. And you ruined my night," Robin pouts. "Because of you, I couldn't enjoy those other men."

"Well I can't say I'm sorry about that."

"So now _you_ have to dance for me."

Barney's eyes widen. "_What_?"

Robin backs away from him, giving herself sufficient ogling distance. "Take off your clothes and dance for me."

"But I – "

Letting out a little whoop of excitement, she zealously encourages, "Come on, take it off!" and tugs at his pajama pants herself when he fails to do so.

"Robin, I'm not dancing for you." Reaching down further, she starts to palm him through his pajamas. "…..Robin, I – " Then her whole hand slips into his pants and wraps around him. "O - o – okay, maybe I could dance a little."

Smiling in anticipation, she backs up and sits down on their bed, ready to enjoy herself. But Barney only makes a few little self-conscious gyrations before stopping altogether. "Robin, this is stupid."

"No it's not. I _like_ it," she delights, breaking into giggles. When he's still not moving, she urges him again in a softer tone, "Dance for me, Barney."

Sighing, he starts moving his hips with more gusto now, pretending in his mind so he'll feel less ridiculous that he's grinding against imaginary Robin instead of the empty air. Applauding, the real Robin flops down onto her back, watching him avidly. Her eager catcalls spur him on, and soon he progresses into full-on thrusting, getting into the spirit of the role now. But when he looks down at Robin, the sight of her writhing softly on the bed stops him, mesmerized.

"Mm yeah, that's it," she encourages, propping up one long leg invitingly against the mattress. "Now come over her and do that on me….do it _in_ me." She moves her other leg apart to welcome him, arching her back and reaching out to Barney.

"You are _seriously_ drunk," he replies, amused.

But she ignores him. "Grab me and just kiss me like you did when we went to Mouth Beach. I want it just like it would've been that night if I hadn't run away…." She points up at him. "Or if _you_ weren't running a play on me." Robin dissolves into giggles again but stops when she sees him approach her on the bed. "No, wait. Let me get this dress off first." Sitting up, she tries to take it off but can't get the fabric to lift because she's sitting on it. "Wait, I can't – Barney, I'm stuck!"

"Here," he laughs, coming to her aid. "You've got to stand up," he instructs her slowly so it will get through to her tipsy brain. Helping her up off the bed, he starts to lift her dress. "_Holy crap_," he stammers, stopping at her waist. "I could tell you weren't wearing a bra, but _no_ underwear at all? You went to a strip club with no underwear on?"

Robin shrugs sheepishly. "Lily said it would feel more erotic and sexy."

Barney's eyebrow shots up jealousy. "And did it?"

"Not till right now."

He smiles slightly at that, pulling her dress up the rest of the way over her head, tossing it behind him onto the desk chair. "Now what, Little Miss Hot Pants?"

Robin doesn't understand the words but she beams at his soft, playful tone. "No, _I'm_ not wearing any pants," she chortles. "But _you_ are. And I've gotta fix that. Take these off." She tugs at the waistband of his pants again, this time dropping down onto her knees and kissing his stomach, following the lines of his muscles down. A moment later she pulls his pajamas off completely, smiling gluttonously at what she's revealed. "You _are_ happy to see me," she giggles, bending her head to kiss him intimately.

His hands tense on her shoulders. "Clearly I was a fool for being jealous. I should encourage girls' nights more often."

But in an instant Robin's back up on her feet, snickering. "Not so fast, B-smooth. This is my bachelorette party. _You_ have to service _me_." She lies down on the bed, nude and spread-eagle, awaiting him.

Barney gazes down at her, easily the hottest woman on the face of the planet – naked and wanting him – and it's still a little difficult to believe he gets to be this lucky. "Oh I can do that," he promises.

Reaching up into the air for him, she coos, "I want some sexy, sex. Get over her and ravage me."

She gets ahold of his arm this time and, laughing, he lets her pull him down. "Drunk off her ass Horny Robin is _awesome_," Barney gleefully proclaims, climbing onto the bed over her. He kisses from her belly up her ribcage to her breasts and lingers there to her soft moans. Continuing upward, he's about to kiss her lips because he wants to do this for her exactly the way she requested, but she's smiling up at him so dreamily that it holds him transfixed. "What?" he grins, and Robin sighs audibly.

"You're the _best _one. Do you know that? The best I've ever had."

He smiles. "Is that so?"

"Mm-hmm." She strokes her fingers up through his hair adoringly. "No one even comes close to as good as it is with you. My Barney."

He feels the warmth of her tone and the sentiments of her words surround his heart, overwhelming him with emotion. "Robin, I just….I _love_ you."

"The best," she murmurs again, hooking her leg around the back of his knees.

He laughs softly. "I know, I know. Less talkin', more lovin'." She smiles approvingly, wrapping her arms around him and drawing his body down all the way against her. "Now let's see, you wanted me to kiss you like that night we went to Mouth Beach?"

"_Yes_. Kiss me, Barney," she pleads.

Her request, so eager yet so sweet, is the ultimate turn-on. "Let's give the lady what she wants," he whispers, bringing his mouth down to hers.

* * *

><p>The next morning Robin wakes up with a killer headache and an empty bed but a glass of water and two aspirin on the night table. She struggles to a seated position but that just makes it worse. Closing her eyes, she sets her hand to her forehead. "Barney?"<p>

He comes in from the other room, smiling crookedly, but the smile turns to a look of sympathy when he sees the state she's in. He tried to make her drink water last night to minimize her suffering this morning, but after giving her two very satisfying orgasms she passed out almost the minute he rolled off of her back onto his side of the bed. Talk about getting your jollies and being done. But he got his too, quite thoroughly – even drunk, Robin is an amazing time – so he can't really complain. And once she was sleeping, he called Lily to let her know Robin was safe.

"Drink this," he tells her, better late than never, handing her the water and then the pills one-by-one.

After taking the aspirin and drinking half the water, she focuses her eyes on his through the throbbing in her head. "What happened last night?"

"You got just about the drunkest I've ever seen you, ran away from your bachelorette party – as in Lily almost had the police out searching for you. Then you came home calling for me, insisting none of the strippers would do and you only wanted me to dance for you."

Robin moans softly in embarrassment. "_Did_ you dance for me? I know we had sex." There's the telltale fact that she's completely naked under the sheet, plus even with her hangover her body has that pleasant feeling of gratification and crisp satisfaction that comes after a passionate night spent with Barney.

"I did dance for you." He gives her a playfully dirty look. "And, yes, we did have sex. Great sex."

"Wait, you did a _strip tease_ for me?" she asks to make sure she's not misunderstanding.

"You insisted," he shrugs. "And after you stuck your hand down my pants, I was ready to comply."

"Hmm." That she can believe.

"It was more of a sexy, tasteful dance than a strip tease," he defends, "but it got you all in the mood. I never even made it to the stripping part because you ended up ripping my pants off on your own. After that you loved on Lil' Barney a bit before lying spread-eagle and demanding I 'service' you. True story."

It's coming back to her in flashes, like a vivid sex dream. It started out as Barney said and then she all but attacked him, flipping them over and vigorously going to town on him, giggling about riding him hard and putting _her_ away wet as well as calling him 'the ultimate thrill ride'. "Oh my – _Barney_….." Her behavior was so mortifying. "You can't _ever_ tell anyone about this."

"Too late. It already went in my diary," he teases her with a wink.

Robin laughs quietly, shaking her head in amusement at her incorrigible fiancé, which only increases her headache. Clutching her forehead again, she looks over at him as he sits down on the bed beside her. "I bet you were loving every minute of it, me all over you begging for sex."

"I've got to say I was. Particularly the part where you told me none of the other men would do and that I was the best you'd ever had."

"I said that?"

"Yep. Right around the time you begged me to 'give it to you _real_ good' – which I did, by the way."

"Ugh…..I'm a mess."

"I thought you were cute," he counters. And then his tone changes. "But….is it true, what you said?"

"Barney, I've already told you that when I was sober."

"A guy likes to hear it more than once."

"Fine," Robin smiles, reaching for him. "Barney Stinson, you give me the most mind-blowing sex I've ever experienced." She reads his mind and cuts him off before he can interrupt. "_Every_ kind of sex. Sex with you is without question the best I've ever had."

He smirks happily. "You're going to work that into your vows, right?"

"Shut up….What about me? And just so you know, now would be the time for a little misdirection and lies, Mister Two-Fifty."

He gives her a look of disbelief. "I don't have to lie or misdirect. You blow every other woman out of the water, Robin. That's the plain and simple truth; you know that. That's the way it's always been since our very first time. No one else does it for me like you do."

She smiles softly at him. "It's a good thing we're getting married then."

"Good thing." Barney smiles too and the moment draws out between them, threatening to go hopelessly mushy. "This way we can do it to each other forever." Robin laughs, which was the whole point, and her laughter makes him laugh too. "Here." He reaches down to the foot of the bed and grabs her robe, giving it to her. "Let's get you up," he says, standing to his feet to help her up on hers.

She gets up and manages to put on the robe, but sways just slightly until he puts an anchoring hand to the small of her back. "Thanks for taking care of me last night." Barney opens his mouth, a double entendre on the tip of his tongue. "Not _that_ way. You know what I mean."

"You're welcome," he answers, kissing her temple. "I made you breakfast. You've got to feed a hangover. My mom taught me that from the time I was thirteen."

Robin tenderly cups his cheek. "I love you, Barney."

"Hot sex _and_ tender admissions of love. I'm definitely marrying the right girl."

"You know it." And with that she sashays – or the best she can manage while hung-over this much – out of the room.

If it's a little off, Barney doesn't notice. He only watches the way her body moves beneath the silk robe as she walks down the hallway….

* * *

><p>**flashback**<p>

* * *

><p>"You couldn't get enough of the Barnacle that night. Your unquenchable craving for Stinson hog almost had all of the NYPD's finest out looking for you. So I'm not the only one to blame for our lack of self-control," Barney impishly contends.<p>

"Okay, you're right," Robin concedes, laughing. "Which means we should just take full advantage of it by going crazy on each other all weekend long."

"Mmm, challenge accepted," he agrees, kissing her.

She breathes a long sigh of pure contentment. "I can't believe our wedding is finally happening."

"Yeah," he smiles. "Just think about what this weekend has in store for us….."

There will be inevitable family headaches and wedding party drama, but it's all leading up to that moment when they come together at the end of the aisle and vow to love each other forever in holy matrimony. It makes them both grin elatedly just thinking about it.

It makes him so excited in fact that like a little kid on his first vacation Barney can't help looking out the window to see how much further they have to go. Robin just watches him happily until a moment later Barney feels her eyes on him and he turns to smile at her. "Another forty minutes and we'll be there." She takes his hand, he twines their fingers together, and they go back to looking out the window, watching the passing scenery as they get closer to Farhampton by the second.

But a little bing alert from Robin's phone soon cuts into their peaceful contentment and she lets go of Barney's hand to check her message. The new picture of her little flower girl cousins is quickly followed by Barney's text from James. The talk of his brother's "performances" segues into a discussion of relatives and "wild cards" and the possibility of one their invited guests 'ruining' the wedding. Such a thought had never occurred to them before and it leads the both of them to making lists of all their kooky relations that could potentially fit the bill. That's when they hit upon crazy Cousin Mitch, the six-fingered hitch-hiking lumberjack, and the horrifying possibility that he might be a _shared_ cousin.

Neither one of them can bring themselves to say the word 'related' out loud. They just try their best to smile and ignore it. But after jointly throwing up, they know they _have_ to find out one way or the other. It's the only way they'll have any peace – assuming of course that the answer isn't the unthinkable.

All throughout desperately calling every relative they can think of who might know the answer of how they're individually related to Cousin Mitch, they still can't actually utter the word in connection to each other. Instead they each internally conjure up lists of all the famous couples who were related or a product of a related union – FDR, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Rudy Giuliani and, from Barney's end, King Joffrey. _Most_ of those people weren't so bad, so Robin's sticking by her proclamation that it's "really not that big a deal". They never have to tell anyone else their suspicions and it'll all just going to be all right.

Until they realize Ranjit is the sole witness to their possible moral indiscretion. But after all these years, after everything and struggling so much just to be together, something as insignificant as genetics isn't going to rip their dream away just like that. This won't determine their future. It will _not_ keep them apart. They're willing to do anything to be together, including still marrying each other despite being related – and even potentially "taking care of" Ranjit.

As it is, they're so far gone in love that even their simultaneous readiness to commit violence for the good of the relationship is a sweet moment for them in the midst of this crisis. Just the very fact that they can finish each other's creepy telepathic murder thoughts is touching. But though they'd like to both believe it's a soul mate thing, the possibility that it's a creepy cousin thing makes it difficult to even kiss each other.

Barney and Robin always revel in how absolutely their-friends-could-never-look-them-in-the-eyes-ag ain-if-they-only-knew dirty they can get at times. Incidences like the night of Robin's bachelorette party have always been one of the highlights of their relationship. A taste for sexual adventure – as well as a high sexual appetite period – is one of the many things that make them highly compatible as a couple. But it's just not the same going bananas on each other when they know they much actually be….cousins. The whole incest possibility makes it so wrong – and not in a hot way, just a plain wrong way.

But this is _them_. They can't be wrong, not when they're so wonderfully, perfectly right. They simply won't allow it.

That's why, after their awkward kiss, Robin has to express her excitement for all the naughty, naughty things she has planned for them tonight – which up until the Cousin Mitch revelation had actually been true. But even trying her hardest to ignore it, it's still an icky thought and, waiting for her grandma's call, Robin is so worked up she can hardly sit still.

When the call finally does come and they learn that Barney's connection is though marriage while Robin's is through adoption, the news that they are not at all related is such an enormous relief. Neither one of them individually is blood related to Cousin Mitch, and there's certainly no incest between the two of them. It's an all-clear. Their relationship _is_ so right, not wrong, and they can be together again with no stigma.

Throughout the ordeal, Barney had been just as nervous as Robin, even though he was determined to make her his wife either way. But a world where he has to feel guilty every time he kisses or touches her was just not acceptable. So this certainly calls for immediate celebration – and, to his mind, this particular good news can only be celebrated one way. "So…." he begins, his voice already deep with the lust he's once again allowed to feel towards her.

"So you and I share no DNA whatsoever." When her gaze hits his, she instantly catches on to his mood and smiles.

Barney's eyes glide quickly down and back up her figure. "Let's change that," he suggests heatedly before diving into her.

Robin meets him midway, melting into the kiss and moaning in soft appreciation of how good it is to get to want him again without the creepy factor getting in the way. Her hands are cupping his neck and his arms are pleasantly around her when he leans into her, taking it up a notch. There's plenty of room in this backseat for at least a good dozen positions to choose from. With that thought in mind, Barney slides his hand down the curve of her waist to her hip.

It's only Ranjit's voice that stops them when he calls out that they shouldn't hold back because the divider is totally sound proof – a claim that might as well have been followed by a 'wink-wink'. Robin knows it's a lie from her experience in this same limo on the night of Ted's opening and Barney's proposal. Plus there's the very fact that he'd already overheard their conversation about Cousin Mitch and he'd heard them kissing just now, along with Barney's desire to share some DNA.

Quite frankly, Barney's _still_ thinking about doing just that. He moves in for her mouth again – until Ranjit further encourages them to "go all the way" and is far too into the thought of them doing so while he listens. Once, back in their secret summer, such an idea wouldn't have bothered them so much. It might have even turned them on. But now they both recognize that their lovemaking is a private affair, a sacred intimacy meant to be shared by just the two of them alone with no one else bearing witness and certainly no perverts up in the front seat getting off on their special moments.

But even though that means sex has to wait for now, this little hiccup proves to Barney that there's no need to worry about any wild cards wrecking this for them. Nothing can separate them, or come between them, or even touch them. There is no coming down from this high of absolute love and happiness. They have each other and_ nothing_ can mar their wedding or ruin their happily ever after.

Uncle Vic, Aunt Shelly, the Ring Bear – it doesn't matter what they might do. Even so, "Our wedding is gonna be legendary," Barney guarantees. It's the first time, fittingly here on the way to their wedding, that he's uttered his newly amended catchphrase and he nods his approval. In fact, he intensely loves the sound of it, the reality of it, the unalterable truth of it.

For her part, Robin remains in the dark, looking over at him curiously. She's well familiar with her husband-to-be's favorite saying and it's noticeably missing something. "No 'wait for it'?" she questions.

Barney brings his eyebrows down, giving her a slightly incredulous look because she still doesn't quite get it. With her in his life, there _is_ no need for waiting. "I've got you. I don't have to wait for it anymore." She is everything, and now that they're together forevermore with never a need to wait, they've already achieved _more_ than legendary every morning they wake up together and every night they fall asleep side by side.

Hearing him say that is the sweetest thing and Robin sincerely wonders how his vows will ever be able to top it. 'Legend – wait for it – dary' has been Barney's catchphrase for well over a decade. It took _her_ to end it. Because all that time he was waiting for her, _needing_ her in order for his life to be legendary.

Giving him an adoring smile, she's the one diving into him this time, taking ahold of his tie – _her_ favorite move – with her left hand, the one that that bears his ring, and pulling him in for a kiss of pure love. It's a kiss they could very easily and very quickly get lost in, but there's still Ranjit in the limo with them and by now they're only about ten minutes away from the Farhampton Inn.

Once they arrive, Barney sees to their luggage and the two of them go to check in, but a few minutes later they find out from Curtis that their suite isn't quite ready yet. However, James's room _is_ – information that has a light of excitement in Barney's eyes. "Baby, listen, I have to go get James's surprise anniversary gift ready for him. I'm gonna leave it in his room before he gets here!" he titters.

"Ah, yes. The super-secret gift you've been planning that's such a secret you won't even tell _me_ what it is."

"It's a surprise for you too. If you like it I'll get us one for our honeymoon suite," he tells her impishly. Robin suspiciously narrows her eyes, but he just giggles endearingly. "I promise it'll only take a few minutes, okay?"

At Robin's nod, he kisses her cheek and like a giddy little kid bounds off in the direction of the first floor rooms. While he's gone, Robin begins to mingle with friends and family who have already arrived. A few minutes later she sees Lily come in and Robin nods to the red head as she walks to the front desk, making a mental note to go say hi as soon as she can politely end the conversation she's embroiled in with two of her other wedding guests.

However, just as the pair is leaving to find their room upstairs, Ted comes into the hotel too. Totally-justified-Lily-tackle aside, the important point is that Ted has an early wedding gift for her. Robin loves opening gifts and she's quick to untie the ribbon as soon as it's in her hot little hands.

She was stumped as to what to expect from such a small box, but seeing a picture of the whole gang together – Marshall and Lily, Ted, and her and Barney – way back when, in those first months of her knowing them, gets her all choked up. With all the big changes in their lives, he wanted her to remember her friends; that's Ted's sentiment behind the gift and it's a truly lovely gesture. "Wow. That was what, eight years ago?" In the picture they all look so young. There have been many, many chances; it was _so_ long ago. But the fundamentals have stayed the same: they're all still a tightknit little family. Robin blinks away tears, thanking Ted with a hug and then greeting Lily with that same friendly warmth. Of course she'll always remember the both of them, and Marshall and little Marvin too.

After Lily joins Ted at the front desk to check in, Robin takes a side detour to the bar to wait for Barney, and while she waits she studies the picture some more. If anyone had told her way back then how her future would turn out – not just that she'd be getting married but that she'd be half of a couple who has nicknames and shares food and says 'aww' and talks in unison, and that she'd be getting married to _Barney Stinson_ – she would have laughed and certainly not believed them. But even then, nearly eight years ago and clueless of their entwined future, there the two of them are next to each other, naturally gravitating together, happy just being near one another, enjoying each other's company from the very start. It shows how _much_ they were meant to be. They really do have that telepathic, soul mate connection.

She sighs, setting the picture back safely in its box. For the weekend this is going somewhere in their hotel suite, and when they get back from their honeymoon this picture has a definite place of honor on her desk at work. Or perhaps she'll put it on their mantle at home beneath the ginormous living room TV, because she knows that for the next year Barney is going to miss Marshall and Lily something fierce – he even has plans to meet the couple for dinner in Italy on the "final leg" of their honeymoon. This picture in their apartment will be a constant reminder to both Barney and herself of their absent, dear friends who will remain deep in their hearts and ever-present in their thoughts until their return from Rome.

When Robin glances up again from her gift she sees Barney wandering into the bar looking for her. "Hey, is everything set?" she asks him and he grins. "Good." She nods towards the hotel's front door which she has a perfect vantage point of from where she's sitting. "Because James just walked in."

Barney elatedly whips around to see.

"And Lily and Ted are here too. They're both checking in, then we're all going to meet for drinks in the dining room."

"Great! Come on!" Full of enthusiasm, Barney wraps his arm around her waist and the two walk back into the lobby together.

Yep, Robin thinks, things turned out perfectly. Absolutely legendary, with no waiting anymore.


	50. 902

**Coming Back**

* * *

><p>It's nearly half past noon Friday afternoon and the five of them – Ted, James, Barney, Robin, and Lily – are all gathered round the table sharing drinks and conversation at the start of this wedding weekend.<p>

"Thank you, Linus," Lily simpers as a fresh drink is delivered into her hand. Taking a sip, she turns back to the table and announces, "You know, I've gotta say I honestly never thought I'd be at _Barney's_ wedding."

Barney lets out a short little burst of jovial laughter. "There was a time _I_ never did either. I used to think love and commitment weren't meant for people like me." He reaches out and clamps a hand onto his brother's shoulder. "People like _us_," he amends. "Isn't that right, James?"

For a second, James's expression melts into a look of discomfort that's here and then gone so fast that Barney misses it entirely. "Right. Me and my little bro, always out on the prowl," he agrees, if a tad nervously.

"And that's how we thought it always had to be," Barney nods. "The two of us Stinson bros, single forever."

Seeing that as the ideal moment, James cautiously jumps in. "Well, Barney, actually I – "

"Why, you might ask?" Barney interrupts. "Because of a long ago hex. Is this the launching point for one of your elaborate historical flashback stories, you might wonder? Absolutely, it is." He takes a deep breath, continuing dramatically, "And now, the true tale of the Stinson Curse…."

The story takes place in Moscow in 1807 and revolves around two long-ago Stinson brothers, remarkably similar to James and Barney, who've only ever been faithful and monogamous until the night they accidently run over an old gypsy woman. When they start to leave her for dead they are cursed to a future of uncontrollable sexual urges and constant promiscuity for themselves and all their male heirs to come.

"That is, until my brother James met his husband, Tom." According to the legend, James was the very first man in the entire Stinson family to successfully sustain a relationship. "The day they got married, they lifted the curse forever, freeing me from the shackles of having sex with lots of different women." _That_ is why Barney celebrates their anniversary every year.

And, alright, he can finally admit to himself that it probably has nothing to do with a literal nineteenth curse. He's always suspected but was in denial about the fact that there was no actual curse; his mother simply made that up to excuse her young sons' behavior, give a convenient justification….and maybe because _she_ didn't want to face that her own promiscuity in their early years taught them to be so themselves when they grew up. He remembers back four years ago when he finally came clean about 'Betty' and his mom advised him cryptically but with clear emotion in her voice, "Don't be me", encouraging him to take a chance on real love instead, an event which left plenty of reason to believe the tale of the curse wasn't just to assuage her _sons'_ consciences alone.

So, no, the curse isn't real – though it does make for a kickass story. But the thing that _is_ real, the thing that remains true is that all the way back in 2006 when Barney first found out about it, his brother's relationship proved to him that commitment and marriage _are_ possible for the Stinson brothers – and not just possible to have fleetingly but to maintain long term.

And that's the key to it: the _Stinson_ brothers. Sure, he's seen happy marriages with other people, but that's them. He and his brother are 'the other', the different, the set apart, two men with a far from perfect – or even acceptable – backstory. He and James share the same messed up background that most people can't even begin to relate to or understand. But his brother gets it. James slept around aimlessly with whatever guy was willing – and preyed on the good-looking ones who weren't till he eventually got the 'yes'. His life was also one of empty, meaningless sex and nothing more. Until he met Tom and fell in love. That love changed everything. It certainly changed James. He transformed from a carefree lothario to a devoted husband and father.

Back in those early years, post-Shannon but before his mother's illness and Barney's subsequent fake wife, both he and James were sleeping around like rabbits – just as horny and willing to bang nearly any woman, or man in James's case, above a 5. His mother would sigh and shake her head at her boys, and in those moments Barney knew true shame. But then she'd smile and pull them into a hug, saying it simply is as it ever was and they weren't to be blamed at all. It was back then that she first told them the story of the Stinson curse.

But over the years in the back of Barney's mind – though he would never admit it at the time – while he was faking for his mom's benefit, James's very real transformation gave him hope. If his brother could do it, with the same dark past as his, then maybe _he_ could too. Meeting his real father and learning that Jerome managed that transition as well was the final thing that convinced Barney it was indeed just as possible for him. He could, and did, make that same transformation for the only woman who's ever and always been the One.

Now here he is, about to get married in two days, all because of the courage and confidence his brother and father instilled in him that he _isn't_ predestined to mess this up – and of course because of finding true love with his soul mate and the only love of his life; that goes without saying.

And he wasn't kidding when he used the term 'the shackles' of sleeping around. It _was_ a burden he felt compelled to bear. By the end, random, hollow, indiscriminate, trivial sex with anonymous women felt exactly like a punishment he would be forced to endure for the rest of his life. Finding and falling for Robin those years ago was just as if he'd been thrown a lifeline. But discovering last November that _she_ loved him too, that was like receiving a pardon. Now knowing through example and his own subsequent changes that he _could_ have the dream – marriage and happily ever after – with her, it truly was like being set free.

Along with that freedom came a level of happiness and ecstasy with Robin that he once would have never even been able to imagine could be possible. "Although sometimes Robin and I still use the shackles," he's unable to resist adding cheekily because he is so happy. Back in the day, he used to fear that a committed relationship would be boring and stale – just like in the Stinson Curse story where the brothers' unquenchable thirst for booty could never be satisfied by a monogamous relationship. But half a year in, on top of their other half a year before – because Victoria and Lily were right about their "unpause theory"; he should have come up with that himself! – and even imminently heading into marriage, the ultimate commitment, still his and Robin's relationship is incredible. Their tremendous chemistry endured all throughout the passing years, and their _smokin' hot_ sex life has always been and still remains to be so far from vanilla. He wants Robin any day, any time, no matter the place or circumstance and will never grow tired of making love to her or ever want anything more than her in his bed for all eternity.

Hearing Barney's colorful tale of his Russian heritage, like his many stories of the origins of the Bro Code, amuses Robin and she laughs lightheartedly through it, thoroughly enjoying it like she does all of Barney's convoluted but imaginative – and false – tales. She delights in his sex joke too, tickled at his inability to complete their "bondage five" while pretending to wear said invisible shackles. What makes it all the more charming is that they really do have a pair of handcuffs in their honeymoon luggage as well as a few other toys and paraphernalia; it is going to be one epic sexcation and a fantastic start to their marriage!

But all that bliss comes to a grinding halt when Barney goes into the other room to take his phone call and James announces to the table that his marriage is over. When she first learns of James's impending divorce, Robin is in a word worried….alarmed. Okay, she's afraid. She's heard it from Barney's own mouth several times over how his brother's successful marriage gave him hope that he could one day have the same outcome himself. James, as well as Barney's dad, successfully turned his life around so Barney began to gradually and honestly believe he could do it too. He _wasn't_ doomed to a lifetime of being alone. But though his dad's situation certainly spoke to Barney on a profound level, it's his brother's past that more directly mirrors his own, shared family curse and all. For Jerry, it was more about drinking, drugs, and partying than it was sex. But with James and Barney sleeping around in and of itself was their vice.

Even so, Barney was never as far gone inside as he thinks. Deep down inside, he was never that reckless, careless, heartless womanizer; that was never who he truly was. Really, he's always had a sensitive, loving, loyal heart. He just never got the love he needed in return and that made him choose a dark path he never should have walked down, a fact he knew all too well himself. He'd long recognized the shame of his behavior and how it left him feeling empty and broken. Yet he'd been walking that dark, empty path for so long he felt condemned to walk it forever with no way out – not that he felt worthy of redemption anyhow.

James showed him that didn't have to be the case. Change was possible. Absolution, exoneration, liberation – it all was possible. He didn't have to be _that_ guy forever. He could be a loving, devoted husband if that's what he chose to be.

And that's why this is such a setback. Not just the fact that James is getting a divorce; it's not as simple as that. Robin is well aware of divorce rates. Marriages fail every day, people get divorced. That's just the sad truth. But it's the _manner_ in which James's marriage is ending that is the truly harsh blow.

Infidelity.

He was unfaithful. Repeatedly. The Stinson Curse strikes again.

And since his brother couldn't actually beat it, since he just couldn't keep it in his pants, then Barney's first thought will surely be to question if that means he was right all along to doubt the possibility of marriage for _himself_. Even James thinks as much too, or he wouldn't have proclaimed their current situation "worse than I thought".

Barney's been remarkably calm about things so far. The panic attacks he had at the start of their engagement were amazingly short-lived and fairly easily overcome. But she knows that his fears of marriage and commitment go just as deep as hers. Getting married in two days _is_ 'the good kind of scary' but scary all the same, for him just as much as her. And if he hears this news about his brother's divorce it's likely to spook him like a skittish horse and send him careening down a cliff into a tailspin of hopelessness, despair, and disbelief in the very possibility of fidelity, commitment, or marriage.

That's why, whatever it takes, he _cannot_ find out about this. James wants to be honest with his family and Robin doesn't like keeping secrets from Barney either, not about the big stuff like this, but sometimes it might just be necessary. For a moment she even lets herself take her frustration out on James with a few well-placed slaps upside the head, along with a much-needed "What is the matter with you?". And rightfully so. Doesn't James get it? "_You broke the curse_," she elucidates, trying to make him see. "You and Tom are the only couple that makes Barney believe in marriage." So if he can't believe in them then he's got no belief left at all….right now, two days from marrying her.

Who does this anyway? Who comes to their sibling's – who always doubted commitment – wedding only to drop an anti-marriage bombshell that you too were unable to keep yourself from sticking it to half the town? James is being selfish and thoughtless, completely inconsiderate of the repercussions his revelation might have. Just thinking about how this could come back to bite her and Barney has Robin draining what's left in her scotch glass.

At that moment Barney returns from the other room and she feels such immense dread settle in her heart as she watches him sit back down at the table and extoll the virtues of his brother's upcoming anniversary. Because if James doesn't agree to keep this secret, she's sunk.

Blinking, agitated, anxious that her whole world may be about to crumble, it feels like that moment out in Central Park all over again – digging for her locket, trying desperately to ward off 'the catch' for all this happiness, so afraid that the other shoe may eventually fall.

And now it might be about to.

James opens his mouth and Robin's dread increases tenfold. "Listen, bro, you – "

"I know, I know. Please, Barney, you don't have to get us an anniversary gift this year." As if that were likely. Laughing, he looks to Robin, who is in on his awaiting surprise. At least _that_ part went smoothly, unlike Marshall's journey back east.

"You get them an anniversary gift?" Ted asks.

To Barney, that seems like an odd question. "Why shouldn't I? They're the one couple who makes me believe that marriage is possible." And, obviously, that's to be celebrated.

His assertion immediately offends Lily, but it's not that Marshall and Lily's relationship didn't have an impact on him too. It certainly did. He cried at their wedding and even officiated the service. But Lily and Marshall were college sweethearts who had it all figured out at the age of eighteen, _and_ who've only ever been with each other. Their pasts certainly do not match his. But his brother's does. That's what makes his successful marriage with Tom so inspiring.

Meanwhile, Robin can only sit there silently wishing that in this one instance she didn't know her fiancé so well, because all this does is prove that she was right. Having once again received confirmation that the only thing that makes Barney believe that marriage is possible is now dissolved, dead, just another failure too, causes her to stare gravely down at the tablecloth. This is bad; there's no denying it. When she looks back up it's just in time to see James turn to his brother, and Robin knows in that moment that she can't let him do this.

"Barney, the thing is – "

"Cover your ears and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," she interjects, stopping the words that Barney simply mustn't hear. After silencing his doubts with the simple explanation, "It's for the bride", Robin feels a measure of safety again once Barney's eyes are closed and his ears are plugged to the situation. She uses this safe time to desperately try the first tactic that comes to mind: giving James exactly what he seems to want. So he's unable to resist meaningless sex? Then she'll bribe him with her strapping Mountie cousin. _Anything_, whatever it takes, as long as it buys his silence. "Just, please, don't tell Barney. If he finds out that the only successful marriage in his life is over, it'll spook him." She glances out of the corner of her eyes at the man she loves more than anything and simply cannot lose. "I don't want him getting spooked."

"Robin, have some faith," James encourages her. "Do you really think that what you and Barney have is _that_ fragile?"

Robin blinks again. It's a low blow, too much of a direct hit – because what in her life _hasn't_ proven fragile? – and it conjures up her fears on that rainy afternoon. It conjures up an image of the empty jewelry box that should have held her 'something old' locket – if it hadn't vanished from beneath the ground. Even logic still fails her on that one. She doesn't want to believe it's a bad omen from the Universe, but on the other hand….. "I don't want to find out." She'd rather live in blissful ignorance, marry Barney and have her happiness for as long as she can.

After waking her fiancé from his self-imposed "Battle Hymn" isolation with a tender caress of his arm, a loving "Thanks, baby", and a sweet little kiss, she holds her breath in fear. But James does lie for her, and Robin sighs with such extreme and utter relief. It's a reprieve is what it is; it very well may have meant the salvation of her future marriage.

But that reprieve only lasts for all of a second before a tipsy Lily inadvertently blurts out the truth anyway.

Robin turns to her in horror, but it's too late. Containment is no longer an option; therefore she goes into automatic damage control mode instead. They can still get through this, she tells herself. You don't know. You _don't_ know, she insists to that same niggling little voice that now claims Barney is about to walk out on her. Maybe it'll all be fine and Barney will handle the news as best he can. So she awaits his response; she awaits her fate.

At the same time, Barney's expression turns confused and troubled. Divorce? Lily has to be making some mistake, mumbling nonsense from too much booze. "What is she talking about?"

Robin immediately takes Barney's hand, even before he hears the answer. She knows this is going to send him reeling and she wants to comfort him all that she can.

"Tom and I are getting a divorce," James finally reveals, and his brother's expression is unreservedly stunned.

Robin has Barney's right hand in both of hers, soothingly stroking his knuckles with her thumbs in gentle solace while he absorbs the news.

Learning that his brother _didn't_ in fact make it work, he didn't beat the odds after all, is an absolute shock to Barney. He truly thought that James and Tom were happy together. He never saw this coming, not even remotely, and he aches for what his brother must be going through. Barney knows exactly how he feels. He'd spent years knowing the love of his life was right there, the only woman who could make him happy, and yet believing all the same that he couldn't have her. It's an agonizing feeling. It's this deep visceral pain in your heart, in your gut – _everywhere_ – just knowing what it's like to have had that love once but never be able to hold it again.

He turns to his fiancée and her beautiful concerned eyes meet his instantly, underscoring Barney's sense of loss for James and making him sincerely wish all the more that he could change things for his brother, that he could grant James this same happiness and happy ending that he and Robin get to have. It's always difficult to be so powerless to help the people you love, powerless to end their suffering. But there's one thing he _can_ do. He's certainly not going to make his brother live the same truly horrible experience he did a year and a half ago – not only losing the love of your life but having your nose rubbed in the happiness that will now never be yours, standing alone in a bedroom with tears clouding your vision while you clean away the rose petals that were meant to symbolize a forever you can now never have.

With that in mind, Barney's first and only pressing thought is to spare his brother that same agonizingly painful experience by preventing him from seeing the ode to love he's created in his room. Abruptly excusing himself, he makes a beeline to the front desk to get James's room key back from Curtis.

Pursing her lips, Robin stares straight ahead as a wave of pain hits her full force. It's just as she feared. Barney's hurried out to the lobby, yanking his hand from hers and not even looking back. He's probably out there now, making his first steps toward running to the familiarity and comfort of debauchery, ready to surrender to the Stinson Curse because it will only take out their relationship anyway. But as much as the thought tortures her that apparently James was right and what she and Barney have _is_ that tenuous, a carefully constructed shaky house of cards, it is still _their_ house of cards. The two of them individually may be flawed and worn around the edges, and even if it is true that they're only precariously held together they're still held together with love and that's the part that matters. She's not going to slink away with her tail between her legs or go cry into her whisky. Neither is she going to let Barney make a rash, stupid mistake and risk the beauty of what they have.

Hurrying off herself, Robin crosses into the lobby, running up to Barney. "_No_. No, you are not doing this," she insists. "Step away from the desk." She's fighting for her man and their relationship. She's got to stop him from doing something thoughtless he'll regret. She won't let anyone hurt him, even himself.

"What are you talking about?" Robin's come flying up to him, all bluster and moxy. Something clearly has her all worked up but he has no clue what that is, or what it has to do with him standing at the front desk.

"You just found out about James and Tom and it – it totally freaked you out, and now you're asking this guy to point you in the direction of the nearest, dirtiest strip club," Robin expounds, her voice pitifully breaking near the end of her speech.

Barney quietly sighs, closing his eyes and hanging his head for a moment. She thinks he's running out on her. Though that knowledge stings, the truth is it's a logical conclusion to jump to. He can't say he faults her given his past that she knows so very well. Still, too much is backing up on him all at once – the shock of James's divorce, the wish to protect his brother by clearing out the room before he sees, the need to alleviate Robin's sorrow by clarifying why he really left the table in such a hurry – and for a minute he's jumbled and speechless.

Barney has neither confirmed nor denied her statement – and, most of all, he hasn't stepped away from that damned front desk and its map to the dirtiest clubs in Farhampton. With tears forming in her eyes, Robin listens as Curtis shows Barney just exactly where are all the best strippers can be found….until she can take no more and stops him. Her hands on her hips, she rocks back and forth, trying to calm herself, just trying to take deep breaths and stave off a panic attack.

Ignoring the front desk man's concerns for Ted, which is a whole other can of worms Barney's not ready to deal with just yet, he turns to Robin to set her mind at ease. "No, Robin. I am not going to a strip club." She looks up at him with pained but hopeful eyes, her lashes wet with tears, and that sight hurts him more than his brother's divorce ever could. "Robin, I came to the desk to get this," he tells her, holding up a key.

Their suite is finally ready now, is that what he means? She doesn't understand. "Is that the key to our room?" Did he need to go someplace private so no one would witness his imminent breakdown over his brother's sad news?

"It's the key to _James's_ room," Barney explains. "Remember the surprise anniversary gift I left in there for him?"

Realization suddenly dawns on Robin and her hand involuntarily goes to her forehead at her own thoughtlessness. "You didn't want him to see it and feel bad," she finishes for him, her voice small and contrite.

"Exactly. I wanted to go remove it before he had to see it and be reminded."

"Oh Barney. Of course you did," Robin replies apologetically, tenderly taking his hand. "I am so sorry."

He smiles softly to her, squeezing her hand. "Well now that you're here, you can help me." He gives her a cautionary look as he leads her out of the lobby and into the hallway. "Cause it's not just as simple as one little gift to pick up and get out of there….His gift is kinda the whole room. I had everything decorated."

While on the way down to Room 11 – not Room 16, the honeymoon suite – Barney explains to her about the banner he had printed and all the supplies that were brought up to Farhampton by his Party Guy, but Robin's only half listening. All she can think is that _of course_ Barney wasn't running out on her; she should have given him more credit. On the contrary, James's divorce doesn't seem to have fazed him. It's certainly not spooking him or changing his mind about marriage. He's only thinking about saving his brother any further heartache and distress. That realization leaves her caught somewhere between feeling ashamed of the fearful assumptions she'd jumped to, and feeling pure adoration at just how wonderful her fiancé really is.

Once they get to James's room, Barney unlocks the door for them and Robin steps inside, taking it all in. Barney wasn't kidding; his gift truly is the whole room. Every surface is decorated for an atmosphere of love and romance. She sees rose petals scattered on the bed, along with a tray of chilled champagne and two glasses. There's a bouquet of a dozen red roses near the door, and another table wheeled adjacent to the bed that bears an additional ring of greenery and even more red roses, as well as a platter of chocolate covered strawberries. And the crowning feature of it all? A sculpture of two very naked, very anatomically correct men embracing….and they are _extremely_ excited to be grabbing each other's asses – and a couple other places besides – both sporting fairly impressive full-on erections.

Robin twitches slightly at the unexpectedly graphic sight. "Oh my. What is _that_?"

Barney informs her that it's an erotic cake he had commissioned of Tom and James in caramel and chocolate marzipan respectively. And now Robin understands what he meant earlier when he said that if she liked it he'd get them one too – no doubt a cake of the two of them in an equally compromising situation….and she's got to say she can't help wondering what that would look like. "I love chocolate marzipan," she mumbles distractedly. Honestly, this cake is kind of turning her on, as well as making her hungry. She can only imagine what an erotic cake of the two of _them_ engaging in graphic foreplay would do to her. It's actually pretty effective and, surprisingly, not a bad idea to give to your significant other.

But it's _not_ a gift to bring to your brother. "This is, ahhh….absolutely the, ah, the weirdest thing that anyone has ever done for their sibling." And it's things like this – this fun, kooky, outrageous, charming, and oh so sweet at the heart of him side to Barney – that made her fall for him to begin with. There she was so afraid five minutes ago, but instead Barney's proven now two times over – first by not being spooked, and second with the revelation of such a sentimental gift – to be the most awesome man. Robin breaks out into an enchanted smile and turns to him, laughing. "I love you _so_ much."

Barney instantly returns her smile as she cups his neck, kissing him. Her arms wrap around his shoulders while his hands go down to settle on her hips, keeping her body close to his as he gently breaks the kiss. "You thought I was going to freak out," he lightheartedly poses.

"Well…." she begins, rubbing her hands over his shoulders in consolation and loving the feeling of _his_ hands sliding farther down her hips, holding her lower body nearer still. "…I mean a gypsy cursed your family to become hornier and do awesome guitar solos. Can you blame me?"

No, Barney really can't. He knows he bears a share of the responsibility for her momentary lack of faith. Not just because you reap what you sow and his past behavior and indiscretions would naturally make her fearful. Though there certainly _is _a reasonable element of that. He slept around for years, renouncing marriage and commitment every change he got, and whenever things got too real and painful and difficult between the two of them – the first time they broke up, after she chose Kevin, and after his Quinn distraction was removed – he repeatedly turned to indiscriminately banging chicks just to prove it didn't bother him; he could live without her. Why shouldn't she make the same assumption of his behavior now after she thinks he's again gotten the same hopeless proclamation: he can't have her; his brother's marriage failed so his is doomed to fail also?

And that's precisely where his recent share of the blame comes in. Though it will likely always come back to haunt him in some way or another – and he knows it still bothers Robin at times too – there is nothing he can do to change his past. But he _can_ affect his present and future, and it's his fault that he's placed too much emphasis on his father's and brother's transformations as leading to his. While it's true that they were definitely an important factor, by explaining it as such he never meant for Robin to take it the wrong way and think it was all or even largely them that made the difference. Because the real, essential part of his transformation was _her_ and their love for each other.

"Am I bummed about James and Tom getting a divorce? Obviously. But…." But Robin and what the two of them share together, _that_ is what has truly restored his faith in enduring love and lasting commitment. The fact that, no matter what, nothing can break their love and their bond. Nothing can come between them or alter their desire to be together. And that's something that's never going to change. It will still hold true even if the whole world gets divorced.

Barney looks deeply into her eyes, making sure she understands. "I don't need them to make me believe in true love anymore." He slips his hands beneath her jacket now, skimming his fingers down over her lower hips as he tells her the truly important part. "I've got _you_ for that now." Leaning in, he touches his lips to hers, and Robin softly sighs into the kiss, gripping his lapels and drawing him closer.

After a moment of enjoying her, Barney turns to contemplate the sheer volume of things in James's room they'll have to dispose of, wondering aloud how to get rid of it all, but Robin is still entirely focused on her thoroughly amazing fiancé, her arm still lingering around him. "Well, before we do that, um…" And her amorous tone brings Barney's hand back up to her hip, his eyes drawn to her mouth. "…would it be alright if I nibbled on your brother's ding-dong." She stares at the thick, phallic piece of marzipan and her mouth is practically watering.

Barney looks over at the cake then back at Robin. He had no idea this would do it for her, but whatever gets her there, he's in. "How about we nibble on my brother's ding-dong _together_," he offers suggestively.

She gazes back to him too, their lips now mere inches apart. "I'd like that," she whispers, and her tone, soft and low, sends a tingle down his spine. With a dirty chuckle, he brings his mouth back to hers.

This time their kiss grows more heated – heated enough that they close the door now, heated enough that they end up passionately kissing against it. But it's well after one at this point, they haven't eaten since breakfast, and Robin's physical hunger overrides her carnal hunger for the moment, sending her over to all that chocolate marzipan – which actually turns out to be the perfect blending of her two hungers.

Once she gets over to the likeness of James and the only part of him that can be easily removed without ruining the entire cake – it'll just be giving him the Ken doll, really – Robin runs her fingers along it in a purposeful caress. Aware that Barney is watching her, she then wraps both hands around it and teasingly strokes its length before breaking off the chocolate penis. Turning around so her back is pressed to the table, giving him a full view of the show she's about to put on, Robin knowingly holds Barney's eye contact as she licks it like a popsicle down and back up. Swirling her tongue over the tip, she starts to suck it and then takes it fully into her mouth – out and in, out and in – before withdrawing it completely to a little pop of suction.

Halfway through her exhibitionism, Barney came to join her at the cake table and he's standing in front of her now, regarding her with a look that's both amused and intensely aroused.

Her eyes dancing, Robin asks, "What?", imbuing her voice with the innocence that her expression and the display she just put on for him, performing fellatio on a chocolate pastry, preemptively betray. But Barney is so easy to titillate that sometimes she just can't help herself.

"You know what you're doing, you little minx," he remarks, hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her against him.

"Didn't you want to nibble it together?" she teases. "We could each take an end, meet in the middle?"

Barney makes a grossed out face. "That's my _brother_ – well, in chocolate form." He looks down at the hunk of chocolate in Robin's hand. "Although I've gotta admit, it really does look like a ding-dong." At her raised eyebrow, he clarifies, "Not _that_ kind; the snack cake…..And I _am_ hungry."

"It actually looks more like Ho Hos, but here," Robin grins, breaking the confection in two and giving him half.

"Don't ever tell Ted and Marshall I did this," Barney begs as he swallows it down, which only makes Robin giggle all the more.

Finishing hers too, she moans in soft enjoyment. "_Mmm_, Barney, you must know the best erotic cake baker in town. This is delicious."

She wraps her tongue around her fingers, licking off the remaining chocolate, and Barney has to shake his head. "It is so wrong that this is turning me on this much."

Robin smiles in response, gliding her hands up his chest and over his shoulders, looping her arms around his neck. "We never did get around to 'sharing DNA'. We were saving it for the hotel…And here we are….." she points out suggestively.

"Yeah, here we are," he murmurs a second before his lips take hers. They start making out again and it doesn't take them long to wind up on the bed, maneuvering carefully around the champagne on the middle of the mattress. Lying on their sides on one half of the bed, Robin bends her leg up over his hip and Barney curls his hand around her breast, lazily stroking her nipple with his thumb through her blouse.

If this were the old Barney, nothing would be stopping him from bringing this the rest of the way home. This is _Robin_, warm and eager for him, with her body already wrapped around his. But for matured Barney, reality and responsibility prevail and even as he gently bites Robin's neck, making her grip on his shoulder tighten, he still realizes there's no way they can have sex right now. "You know, as much as I want to finish this – and I _really_ do…."

She rocks into him, smiling. "I can tell."

Barney groans regretfully as she rubs against him. "We still have to get this stuff cleaned up before my brother sees. The last thing he needs is to walk in on a celebration of his failed love….while we're making love….on _his_ bed."

Robin frowns, forcing herself to remember why they came in here in the first place. "You're right. We can't do this now."

He sighs in heavy loss. "But that means I don't get to play with Farrah and Jaclyn…." He strokes his hand over her breasts, one after the other, in homage and then brings his free hand down between their bodies to stroke lower. "…..Or _Kitty_," he emphasizes, regretting her loss most of all.

Robin shakes her head, smiling at his affectionate nicknames for her lady parts while simultaneously enjoying the way he's petting Kitty – not called Kate, for obvious reasons.

"But….Barney's Angels," he pouts, nestling into her.

"I know, and they were so ready to play with you too," she sympathizes, running her fingers up through his hair. "But I'm sure you'll have a mission for them tonight."

"Oh I do."

"Mmm," she hums, kissing him once more.

She starts to get up after that but Barney pulls her back. "Wait." He bring his hand up to her other breast – the first one never left – and grins devilishly. "One last honka," he explains, doing just that.

"You're an idiot," Robin laughs, climbing back to her feet and pulling him up with her.

They manage to find a garbage bag in the bathroom and start gathering the rose petals in handfuls into it, each taking a different side of the bed. Together they're making quick work of it until she notices her soon-to-be husband staring rather intently at one particular petal, an enigmatic half-smile on his face, and she pauses along with him to ask, "What is it?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head, going back to gathering the flowers. "It's just really, _really_ nice to have you here with me this time. We've come a long way from the last time I threw rose petals into a garbage bag."

She reaches across the bed to take his hand. "This time there's nothing sad about it." Rethinking her statement, she adds ruefully, "For us anyway…."

Barney smiles over to her. "Robin, I'm so lucky to have you."

"Right back at ya." Passing by on her way to take down the 'LOVE IS AWESOME' banner she stops to give him a little kiss before he continues on to store the champagne tray on the bottom of the rolling cake table.

"Now what are we gonna do with all this stuff?" Barney ponders as Robin gathers up the dozen roses by the door, the last of it all.

"Maybe the hotel staff can help us throw it away? Or we could take some of it, if that doesn't weird you out."

Barney suddenly smiles that evil grin of his as the perfect solution comes to him. Payback's a bitch, isn't it Teddy Westside? "I've got a better idea…."

After bribing their way into _Ted's_ room this time, using the failsafe 'It's for the bride' argument, they hurry around gigging and having fun together as they decorate Ted's home for the weekend.

"You're right. This _is_ better," Robin exclaims, positioning the cake table just so, with the naked bodies facing the door, making it the first thing you see when you come in. Walking out into the hallway with Barney, she bites her lip in amusement. "I can just picture Teddy Boy's face when he walks in and sees his newly homoerotic hotel room. Minus one penis," she smiles.

"Eh, Ted could never handle a threesome anyway, female _or_ male."

Robin laughs, kissing him. "Barney Stinson, we're gonna be sharing plenty of DNA tonight."

"You can count on it," he winks, bending to touch his lips to hers one last time. "Alright, let's go talk to my brother."

They find James already in his room; it seems they made it in just the nick of time. Barney goes to sit on the bed beside him and Robin sits next to Barney a discreet space away, letting them have their moment.

Listening to the full story and comforting his brother, Barney does his best to encourage James not to give up. "Just look how Robin and I found each other against the odds. I mean she made it all the way out of _Canada_. No matter what, no curse is getting the best of the Stinson brothers. Either one of them."

At the mention of the Stinson Curse, Barney instinctively reaches for Robin's hand, comforting _her_ this time the way she reached for his hand to comfort him earlier at the table. Now that he understands her lingering insecurity he wants to let her know above all that it holds double for him too. He's got his true love, everything he's waited for. What the two of them have is more than enough to believe in. No curse can so much as threaten them. This is _never_ going away. His heart is irretrievable in her possession and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Robin smiles down blissfully at their intertwined hands. No freak-outs, no changing their minds. Just the two of them forever in love. How it ever was, how it is, and how it always will be.


	51. 903

AN: This chapter has several flashbacks. I've marked them all by date, but I'm giving a heads-up now in case anyone finds it confusing.

* * *

><p><strong>Last Time in New York<strong>

After Barney and Robin leave James's room, they go down to the front desk to check on theirs and indeed the bridal suite is now ready for them. Opening the door, they start looking around, ready to settle in for the weekend. Shortly after they'd arrived, Robin left the photo of the gang Ted gave her at the front desk for safekeeping and she immediately sees that Curtis had it sent to their room where it's sitting in a place of pride on one of the nightstands. While Robin's busy scoping out the picture, for all that his friends often joke about his irresponsibility, Barney goes around the room ensuring that all their luggage is accounted for and locking the doors to the outside since his travels for GNB have taught him you can never be too careful.

Once he's satisfied that everything's as it should be, Barney glances around the suite with a less scrutinizing and more appreciative eye. He smiles at Robin as she too admires the suite. "We're finally here…." It's a sweet sentiment that has her smiling in return, and then he adds, "….where we're gonna consummate our marriage."

Robin laughs, shaking her head. "I thought you wanted to do that at the church immediately following the 'I do's?" she remarks as they pass one another, each going to check out the opposite side of the suite.

"And once you met our reverend you said we could never do it there again; he'd kill us. But I still don't want to wait," he shrugs, "so we'll just have to detour up here before we go down to the reception."

Robin stops before the French doors, gazing out the window at the stunning view: the beautiful sandy beach they can walk right out onto with blue ocean beyond as far as the eye can see. And in two days the reception tent where they'll share their first dance as husband and wife will be just around the corner on the front lawn. "You're right. We're finally here; we're finally doing this. It's so real now."

He comes up behind her, wraps his arms around her waist and draws her back against him as they both look out the window.

"It's gorgeous, Barney. One of these nights we have to find time for a moonlight walk."

"You mean you want to bang out on the beach," he grins.

She reaches down and covers his hands at her waist with her own. "Whatever else we get up to while we're out there walking is just between you and me…."

"Hmm, maybe we can get away tonight," he proposes suggestively, pressing a kiss to the shell of her ear.

Robin sighs. "Everything is – "

" – perfect," they finish together, followed by a joint "Awww" that they're still so entirely in unison.

"Robin, I love you."

"I love _you_."

Moving her hair aside, he starts kissing her neck and it's just the kind of slow buildup that leaves them hot and aching inside, makes the main event that much more spectacular when they finally get to it. Enjoying what he's doing, Robin murmurs his name and in response Barney pulls her blazer aside to nuzzle and kiss her shoulder through her thin blouse. "What does this remind you of?" he asks, his breath warm against her skin as his lips brush the underside of her jaw.

"That first night," she whispers, setting her head back against his shoulder to give him better access to her neck.

"The night we got engaged," he confirms.

Robin smiles decadently. "That night was a record."

He makes a small sound of amused agreement. "I thought we'd hit the limit during our summer, but that night was…."

"….superhuman," she completes his sentence. "I seriously didn't think that many times was physically possible – and so _fantastic_ every time. Nothing can top that night."

"Our wedding night will," Barney boldly promises.

Robin turns to face him, draping her arms over his shoulders. "They have a king-sized bed here just like at home. Except you know what they say about hotel sex: it's always sexier…I've never tried bridal suite sex before but it's got to be even better."

"_Has_ to be."

This time it's Robin who grins cheekily. "Let's go mess up that bed."

Barney's expression perks up with excitement. He'd been swept away in the moment, honestly just kissing her because he loves her and he couldn't help himself. He wasn't planning to actually get sex out of it here and now, but he's thrilled for the turn things have taken. "Are we doing this? Right now?"

"We're doing this."

He hums in pleasure, bending to kiss her neck again. "But not quick like it would've been in the limo. I want to enjoy you."

"We have over three hours until the best man poker game," Robin points out.

"That should be just enough time. Just barely."

"_Ooooh_,"she breathes seconds before his lips touch hers.

Her fingers are buried in his hair and he's pulling her closer, the kiss growing increasingly passionate, when her stomach growls loudly. She breaks the kiss, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry."

"That's okay. We haven't eaten since this morning. I'm hungry too." And he knows what that means; he should be seeing that his fiancée has a nice meal, not trying to have sex with her while she's starving. He moves his hands up her arms, easing their bodies apart. "We should probably be downstairs right now getting lunch…."

"_Uhh_, you're right," Robin realizes. "We just got here barely two hours ago, literally just got into our suite. We haven't eaten in hours, there are a million things to do, and we can't keep our hands off each other."

"Some things never change."

"Yeah," she laughs. "But this is no time for sex, right?"

"Alright, we'll save this for later," Barney smiles, taking her hand. "Let's go down to the bar and grab lunch."

She nods. "I'll bring the notebook so we can multitask."

* * *

><p>Over sandwiches and a salad down at the bar, Robin's double-checking their weekend schedule and dealing with the threat of Barney's ring bear when they both hear the beep of the newly arrived motor coach transporting their elderly relatives. That ominous sound means they won't have a minute to themselves for the rest of the day. Their aging relatives will leech onto them with a million questions and rambling stories and they won't get any time together at all. Even with everything else that's going on they were still able to enjoy a quiet lunch, just the two of them. Now they won't be able to shake these seniors for anything.<p>

"Oh god, this is gonna be rough," Robin whines. "My great-grandparents never stop bickering." Their back and forth is enough to drive her crazy. "But I guess that's what happens when you've been married for sixty years." You fall into the routine of it over time, she supposes.

Barney contemplates that; Robin's great-grandparents have been married for _sixty years_. He told Robin himself they'd still be together sixty years down the line, and he fully believes it, but up until now he never really thought about what sixty years down the line would look like. He still imagined himself and Robin and their relationship exactly as there are now. Sure, they'd have to get older, but he never really thought about the changes that being an older, long-married couple might bring. But the arrival of that shuttle bus brings it all home and makes Barney abruptly realize that Robin's raised an excellent point.

A couple married sixty years, together so long it's just the same bickering repeated over and over again on an endless cycle. What if that inevitably does take the forefront and all the rest goes by the wayside? "Sixty years…." he muses aloud. He's seen pictures of Robin's great-grandparents. They're so wrinkled and old, it makes sense that the only thing left to do is companionably squabble over their TV trays while eating their frozen dinners and watching Jeopardy. "Man, when's the last time you think they had sex?"

After joking about some Canadian nonsense she clarifies her guess as 1967. But that was well before either of them was even born. Is that what he and Robin have to look forward to? Decades' worth of sexlessness? His brow furrows in concern as he poses the question, "That's not gonna be us, right? Like when we get married, it's not all fighting, no sex?"

"_What_?" Robin tries to play it off. In reality, the same thought occurred to her too. Yes, it's the cliché for marriage, but aren't her grandparents living proof that the cliché must be at least partially true? Still, she shoves that aside in favor of solid reasoning, with herself just as much as Barney. "No way," says as if the whole thing is a whole lot more ridiculous than she actually finds it. "It's _us_." Which is so true. When hasn't their relationship been highly sexual? They can't keep their hands off each other; it's a point they just established and a known fact among their friends. "R-train" – as in, he's always welcome to climb aboard – "and B-nasty," she reiterates.

Barney nods vigorously. Right, she's right. They're unique. They go at each other like crazy. What they have is magic.

Playing with his tie, she moves in close, her voice growing more sensual as she assures him, "That will _never_ happen."

They lean in and kiss each other….but it still picks at their minds, the thought that 'never' is such a strong word. Because they go at each other like crazy _right now_, but they've only been back together for five months. Maybe that compelling craving to have each other will lessen over time until it wears off altogether and they too become her grandparents, all fighting and no sex…..

And now that the idea is in their heads, the events of the day serve as a frightening example. They can't keep their hands off each other? Some things never change? But is that _really_ true? What if they will change; what if they've _already_ begun to change the very second they got in the vicinity of vows actually being spoken? Look how many times already today they were going to but then didn't have sex: in the limo, in James's room, in their hotel room just now – and it's barely after two in the afternoon. Already they're blithely agreeing to postpone sex. Is this just the beginning of the end? They _can't_ let that happen. They have to hold on to that wild can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other spark. They can't just become this old married couple.

So as soon as Robin and Barney break apart they simultaneous burst out with the thought that's plaguing both their minds. "We have to have sex right now!" They _must_ in order to prove they're just as I-have-to-have-you-NOW hot for each other as ever before, to prove that their magic truly is never going to fade away.

The realization that they're both thinking the same thing, that it's not just a private paranoia, is a sweet one. It's a pleasant feeling to know someone else gets it too, and it once again proves their utter compatibility, leading them to jointly coo, "Ohhhh". But as perfect and adorable as they are together, the point still stands. They have to have sex right now to dismiss this notion that their relationship will be anything but intensely passionate for all time.

Leaving their lunches untouched they hurry out of the bar, already kissing. Pressed together this way, hands stroking and tongues caressing as they make their way through the halls of the hotel, it's no longer only just a need to prove themselves but a very real urgency now. They both feel it desperately.

Robin nudges her pelvis into his and Barney's hand goes down to the small of her back, helping her maintain the contact. "That's it," he encourages. "You're my dirty, dirty girl."

Right now in this moment when he's talking sexy to her she isn't thinking about anything other than his hands on her body, and the only thought in his mind is of how fast they can get each other naked.

"How much farther is our room?" she wonders impatiently between kisses.

"Just up here," he answers against her mouth.

When they reach the door of their suite, she turns in his arms to try the handle but of course it locks automatically. Barney allows himself to let go of Robin just long enough to reach around her and insert his key into the lock. Looking over her shoulder at him, they share a naughty smile at the sexual connotation, but he has trouble actually getting the door unlocked what with the way she's tilting her hips back against him and sliding over his zipper. Another few minutes of that and pants will be going down around the ankles and he'll be taking her right here, this way. But then the lock turns and the door opens and Robin automatically turns around to face him again and get back to all that kissing.

But Barney holds up a finger. "One more thing before we start," he says, giving her a look that's ridiculously arousing. He steps inside, setting their room key down on the table to free up his fingers for better things, and grabs the "Do not disturb" sign from the other side of the door. Crossing back out into the hallway with her, he pulls the door in toward them to hang the sign on the outside knob.

Robin reads it and nods her approval. "Exactly. Don't come a knockin' cause the Stinsons are always gonna be up to some dirty business."

"Damn straight," he agrees before lunging for her mouth again.

His arms go around her waist and she brings one hand up to cradle his neck, using the other to push open the door and then it too is right back up to his face, holding his mouth steady against hers. He reaches out to shut the door behind them as they pass but he misses and thinks _screw that, whoever walks by is just getting a show_. He's not letting go of her right now for anything. He moves his hand under her jacket, sliding over bare skin where her shirt has ridden up – soon to come off completely – and it is so on, the promise of making love to her imminent.

Robin relishes Barney's hands inching over her waist and hips, pressing her to him. It feels so good, but it doesn't escape her notice that the carnal and wild Stinsons are about to get to some dirty, dirty business…..in a private hotel suite of the quaint seaside inn they've legally booked for the weekend. Not exactly wild and dirty at all. Not very far from old married monotony actually.

She breaks away, setting her hands to his chest for a modicum of space – because when they're this far gone it takes a fire alarm, a bullhorn, usually some physical distance of at least a few inches between their bodies to pull Barney's attention from anything other than loving on her. "Wait, wait, wait. You know what would _really_ prove we're not some old, married couple?" she poses, her tone turning amorous as she pulls him back in by his lapels. He smiles down at her all sexy and loving, and she really does want him right now, point-proving aside. But this way will kill two birds with one stone. "Doing it somewhere we're not supposed to," she says waywardly, feeling his fingers tighten on her waist when she says 'doing it'.

And that's what has them scrambling out of their hotel room and the very available bed right behind them to go seek the uninhibited, wild and forbidden, unconventional sex to be had up on the roof.

But after nearly being caught by Robin's great uncle, even their efforts to make this bang a home game fail them when they realize Barney has locked them out. Nevertheless, they're not going to complacently put off sex again. They've got to prove they're so hot for each other they just can't wait – and now that they've actually jumpstarted the process enough to leave them both turned on and wanting more it's really not that much of an exaggeration. And so they're still doing this. _Now_. Even if that means they'll have to walk down to the front desk for a spare key.

That's easier said than done however with the place crawling with so many senior it's like _Night of the Living Dead_. With the lobby flooded with "zombies" they're stuck wandering the halls looking for some place, _any place_, where they won't be found. When they happen upon the ice machine room, Robin's sure they've finally located a sanctuary to sex each other up good and prove they're a couple whose libido and desire for each other will never fade. Yet before they can so much as kiss they run into James, who happened to be hiding there first in hopes of avoiding the many questions being gay, black, and in the middle of a divorce will bring him.

But answering _his_ return question – "What are you two doing?" – isn't exactly easy. Out of respect for Robin, Barney looks to her for a signal on that one. Do they come clean and admit that what they're trying to do is each other – and _why_ – or do they make up a pretext instead and keep things private between them?

But Robin has no qualms divulging they're trying to have sex some place naughty, so Barney reaches over and strokes her arm as he jumps in to explain the rest to his brother. "We're trying to sneak in one last bang cause we're afraid that the magic might fade after we get married."

Hearing her fears put into words, Robin crosses her arms over her chest in a defensive posture. Neither one had actually said so out loud but Barney's clearly read her mind and has the same worry too. "Are we being crazy?" she asks James.

A look of hesitation crosses over him before he admits, "That _is_ what happened with me and Tom."

Barney and Robin's faces fall and Robin's telltale rapid blinking kicks in. That is literally the last thing they wanted to hear right now, and they turn to each other in shared concern. But James promises he won't let it happen to them too and sacrifices himself for the cause, leaving Robin and Barney free to seek a new hiding place – now with an even greater determination for the sex that will prove the magic's still there and is never going away.

But the outbreak is no longer limited to the lobby alone. The hotel is now crawling with elderly obstacles. In spite of that, just like they wouldn't let the possibility of being related keep them apart, this new threat to their relationship's longevity will be quashed just as quickly. Once they're both panting and trembling, falling over the edge into a toe-curling orgasm, the very idea that passion might ever go away will seem far less threatening to them.

_If_ they can just find a little privacy. Perhaps the second floor is safe? The gym? But Barney reminds Robin of his Papa Sid's love for saunas, and she chastises herself for not thinking of it on her own after the many stories he's told her and since they had to go out of their way to make sure this hotel had a sauna especially for him.

Finally they settle on splitting up, Barney to check for open rooms upstairs, Robin to scope out the business center. Grinning lecherously at their victory and soon to come – _what up_ – sex, they start to take off but Barney can't end it like that. He pulls her back for one last enthusiastic kiss. She melts into his arm and they both moan as they clutch onto one another – the magic still very much, very vividly alive. Yet they have to regretfully tear themselves away from each other now so that they can have each other all the way later in whatever private little nook they can find.

After a brief detour where Barney nearly gets captured on the second floor and Robin runs into Ted and Lily, Barney finds plenty of empty rooms up on the third floor, calling Robin to tell her, and she races to him, just as eager as he is. Seeing each other around the corner, they giggle happily and go running into one another's arm. As they kiss, Barney straightaway curves Robin's body to his – no waiting; _they have to have each other right now_. His hands immediately roam her curves, dragging her shirt up with him as she steps in closer and he groans softly at the exquisite feeling of her body against him.

This time it's Barney's great aunt that nearly catches them, driving them into the safety of the nearest unlocked room, but it doesn't matter because they've finally found some privacy at last. So very pleased that they made it, they laugh gently and Robin presses Barney back against the wall, ready to come together for real this time….Until they realize they're not alone in the room. This is, in fact, Robin's great-grandparents' room – and they apparently have the same idea as Barney and Robin – with the addition of using dentures and a walker for sex aids.

They scramble from the room, horrified with what they just witnessed, and voice the same shared sentiment – "I never want to have sex again" – which just _has_ to produce another "Ohhh" at their mutual response. Nevertheless, basking in their love doesn't last long with the image of what Robin just saw her nana doing forever cemented in her mind.

As Barney expounds on her great-grandfather's swinging testicles, a truly disturbing memory if there ever is one, she closes her eyes and allows her mind to step outside the immediate gross-out factor to _really_ consider what they walked in on. And that's when she realizes the underlying truth of what they've just discovered. Her great-grandparents have been married for sixty years, yes, but it's clearly _not_ all fighting and no sex. They're the longest married couple Robin's ever known, and yet when they've only just arrived at the hotel the very first thing they want to do is tear into each other.

She turns to Barney, letting him in on what she's just recognized. "Still, when you think about it, married for sixty years and they still want to jump each other's bones? I mean it's….it's kinda sweet."

They both glance over at the closed hotel room where the sixtieth anniversary couple is currently having some very creative walker-enhanced sex, and the two of them think back on their own history together and all of _their_ years– not sixty, but six or more depending on the messiness of how soon you want to measure the start of all their magic, and still a good amount of time in this day and age.

There was an instant, undeniable spark between them from the very beginning, long before they could categorize themselves as bros or even true friends. Getting to know each other only intensified that spark and it didn't flicker and fade, not even when Robin dated Ted for a year and Barney banged his way across the city. The year after that, when the two of them were both single again and spending exorbitant amounts of time together under the guise of broing out, that was the start of the _real_ magic – sometimes even literal magic, like that one particular night five years ago, back in early April 2008, one of many close calls they had back then…..

* * *

><p>2008<p>

* * *

><p>It's late at MacLaren's – very late – and Barney and Robin are the only two left in the booth drinking together. Ted disappeared much earlier to go off on a date with Stella. Marshall and Lily stuck around a while longer, but once she muttered "rhinoceros" they too shot out of there. In fact, much of the bar has left at this point. It's only just the stragglers who couldn't yet manage to get lucky tonight, and then the two of them, nursing the last of their scotch.<p>

They've been talking and drinking and laughing the night away, enjoying each other's company so much that Robin hadn't even noticed how late it was getting until she looked around just now and saw that the bar has pretty well emptied out. Glancing at her phone, she's surprised to see it's nearly 3 a.m. – which gets her wondering why Barney isn't off by now securing his latest bed partner for the night. "Why haven't you picked up some bimbo yet? It's almost closing time."

He doesn't answer, just smiles inscrutably. "Want to see a magic trick?"

Her hands immediately swoop down to cover her open drink. "Barney, we've talked about this," she warns him sternly. "We've even had an intervention about this. No fireballs, especially in the bar."

Barney pouts, giving her those adorable pleading eyes, but she won't be moved on this point. She's not getting singed for any man.

"Fine," he relents. "But I'll still show you a magic trick."

He has on that mischievous expression he gets before he does something really, really good or really, really bad but entertaining in either case. That expression always exhilarates her heart rate in a way that it definitely shouldn't. "What are you up to?" she questions suspiciously.

"Just a special little trick I've been working on."

Her curiosity and the crazy affect he has on her pulse get the better of her and she finds herself saying, "Alright. Show me." But then she realizes the insanity she potentially opened herself up to. "You promise no fire?"

"No fire." He's managed to keep a straight face so she nods her consent. "Okay, the first thing we have to do is stand up," he explains, doing just that.

"Me too?" Robin whines. Her world has that hazy edge to it where she's feeling the alcohol just enough for it to be nice but not enough to qualify as drunk, and she rather likes it right where she is, sitting comfortably and finishing off the last of her Glen McKenna.

But Barney insists, "Yes, you too", pulling her up to stand beside him next to the booth.

"Okay, now what?"

He smirks. "Put your hand in my pocket."

Robin gives him a leveling look. So _that's_ what he's up to, and it's pretty disappointing as far as Barney's plays go. "You'll have to do better than that."

"Please," he scoffs. "If this were a come-on, Lil' Barney would be reaching for _you_. Huh?" he nudges her, proud of his joke. She rolls her eyes, but he notes that she's smiling. "No, I'm serious. Put your hand in my pockets. Both sides. It's part of the trick. You have to verify they're empty."

She eyes him carefully but all too quickly gives in, a disturbing measure of the power he has over her – but she chooses not to think about that. Warily reaching out, she tentatively slides her hand into his front left pant pocket. Her eyes catch on his as her fingers glide against his thigh, and his smirk widens. "Move a muscle and I'll kill you."

"Easier said than done with your hand in my pants," Barney quips. "_You_ could always move an inch to the right, help us both out…."

Robin extracts her hand but like the fool she is slides it into the opposite pocket. "How would that help _me_?"

He looks down at her, his eyes promising all sorts of wicked things. "You'd like the end result."

It's spoken with a self-assured certainty that shouldn't be sexy but it certainly is. And he's too close and she's had too much to drink – that must be it – because she finds the thought tremendously tempting. It puts other images in her mind too, images that shouldn't – that can't – be there. Worst of all, they _cannot_ be so appealing to her.

She withdraws her hand and puts some cautious distance between them but Barney will have none of it. This builds the suspense in the trick, among other things…. "Now my coat."

Robin sighs but she steps in close again and reaches into his breast pocket – for the good of the trick, of course – her fingers grazing over his chest in the process. She looks up at him and sees that teasing glint in his eyes that lets her know he's enjoying himself very much. "You know, you could have just taken _this_ off before making me reach inside."

"Not as much fun that way," he winks at her.

She steps back away. "Okay, so now that I've inadvertently felt you up a little, I can verify that…." Her lips curve into a taunting smile. "….there is absolutely nothing going on down there," she teases him.

Pinning her gaze, Barney offers, "Put your hand back in my pocket and we'll see about that."

Robin shakes her head a little, wondering how it always goes back to the same place with the two of them, how teasing turns to open flirtation that always winds up sexually charged and keeps leading to these heated 'almost' moments between them. They've got to stop doing this. "Come on. You've got the all clear. Let's see some magic."

He takes up her challenge with a boyish grin. Waving his hand and doing a little magic, a real live robin comes fluttering out of one arm and a sea of glitter out of the other. "Get it?" he asks excitedly. "It was a robin and then some sparkles. _Robin Sparkles_. Eh?"

Robin genuinely is amazed and she laughs, helplessly charmed.

Until Carl comes over and starts yelling at Barney. "You can't bring an animal in here."

"Technically it's a bird, not an animal," Barney defends.

"Birds are still animals; they're just not mammals," Robin corrects him.

"I don't care _what_ it is. It can't be in here. And now you've got glitter all over the floor. This is gonna take Wendy an extra half hour to clean up." Carl turns to Robin now too. "Come on you two, out."

Grumbling, they gather up their things and head out the door.

Bumping his shoulder with hers on the way up the stairs, Robin playfully taunts him, "You got us kicked out of MacLaren's."

"They were closing in ten minutes anyway," Barney mutters. At the top of the stairs he starts texting furiously, arranging a ride home. "Wanna split a cab?"

She looks at him suspiciously, certain he has unpure intentions. "I don't trust you inside a cab. I know what happens once you get girls in a cab. We both know what comes next."

He crosses his heart like the boycott he never was. "I promise to be good. Unless you decide _you_ don't want to be…."

"Not gonna be a problem."

"Hm. We'll see….."

Looking at each other in the darkness, they fall into silence for a moment, the sexual tension palpable between them, and Robin doesn't like it one bit – or rather she hates that she loves this zip between them whenever they're alone together this way with the fact that they're insanely attracted to each other right out in the open staring them in the face, the elephant in the room they never, _ever_ address. So she opens her mouth to speak because she needs to be saying something. "That really was an amazing trick, Barney…..Got any other magic to keep us entertained while we wait?"

"Mm-hm." Barney's more comfortable dancing with danger than she is and he moves in toward her. "Now it's my turn to reach into _your_ pants." His voice is low and seductive as his hand plays at the waist of her jeans. He runs the middle and forefinger of his other hand along her bare shoulder, assuring her, "I've got a trick I can show you with these two fingers that I guarantee you'll agree is magic….Remember what I whispered in your ear?"

She knows he means the week before when she tried to help him find the woman who was sabotaging his love life. That night, while she was roleplaying the woman he was hitting on, she asked him to tell her how he gets all these women to come home with him. What he told her was so tantalizingly dirty that even in a bar it had to be whispered, but it set her on fire all the same, sending a throbbing ache to all the good places, places that _really_ wanted to see if he could deliver on what he claimed. "You didn't say your fingers," she murmurs.

His eyes darken. Because she's not telling him 'no', only haggling over the details – which isn't a problem for him at all. He'll give her anything she wants, any way she wants, just as long as she lets him finally have her at all. "Robin, I've got magic everywhere. But we'd get arrested if I did that to you out on the street." He takes her arm and starts leading her away. "For what I whispered in your ear, we'll have to duck around that corner where I can – "

Robin pulls away, taking a protective step back….because of how much she wants to step forward and let him show her. "Thanks, but I'll stick to strictly clothed magic for now."

All at once Barney's face lights up and he breaks out into a huge grin. "Ahh, _Scherbatsky_…." he gushes, his tone both amused and very pleased with himself, pleased with this turn of events.

Robin can't understand it and gives him an odd look. She just turned him down. He ought to be disappointed. "What?"

His eyes sparkle down at her and he waves a victorious finger in her face teasingly. "You said 'for now'."

"_What_?" she squeaks, realizing he's right. She just left him an opening a mile wide and all but admitted she'd like to sleep with him someday. She has no recourse but to lie through her teeth. "_No_. No, I didn't."

"You totally did," Barney snickers. "And you're giggling. You think I'd forget your tell?"

She sighs heavily. "Alright, so what if I did? It's just a figure of speech."

"A figure of speech that means not now but _eventually_ you wanna try some naked magic with me."

"Shut up." But her eyes are twinkling with enjoyment now too and she's smiling even as she says it. "I do not."

Barney moves in closer, all the better to tempt her. "That's not what your eyes are saying."

Robin immediately looks down. She can't have him reading her right now; she'd come out on the losing end, on the end that has her rolling around in the sheets with him tonight. "My eyes aren't saying anything," she insists to the ground.

Their cab pulls up a second later and Barney holds the door open for her, but Robin hesitates on the curb. "I don't know if I want to get in there with you."

Barney smiles at that. Her reluctance to be alone with him can only be a good thing as far as he figures. "I promised to be good, remember? Besides, my stop comes first. All you have to do is _not_ get out and come upstairs with me." He captures her gaze and they both feel that zing again. "Think you can manage it?" he dares her, setting off every competitive bone in her body.

She has her pride to protect, proving she can withstand their chemistry just as long as he can, thank you very much. Challenge _so_ accepted. "I can resist you just fine, Barney."

"Says the girl who just giggled."

She narrows her eyes at him as she slides past and into the cab. He moves in and sits down beside her, shutting the door, and then it's just darkness and the two of them and a space that seems to be getting smaller with each heated breath they take.

Barney's hand is on the seat between them and they're both staring straight ahead, neither one talking, when Robin feels his fingers begin to stroke her thigh. She looks over at him. "I thought you were going to be good."

"Bump in the road," he excuses.

"We're stopped at a light." But she doesn't brush his hand away and his fingers keep stroking her. It's dark and it's late and she wants him so much that she lets him. She lets him touch her and blames it on these bumpy New York streets. Till he moves his hand up over the top of her thigh….and she knows where it's heading next. "You're not getting any tonight, Barney." She puts her hand over his and removes it from her leg. "Sorry, I guess the Barnacle miscalculated."

He holds her gaze meaningfully with a naughty, confidently challenging look that has all her cylinders firing. "_For now_," he throws her own words back at her.

Robin is the first to blink three times and look away. He chuckles low and deep, and it's not even right the way it trips down her spine and proves what a liar she is, proves how very true her inadvertent 'for now' slip really had been.

"And who says I'm not getting any tonight?" Grinning, Barney waggles his hand in the air. "These fingers are _magic_."

Robin shakes her head at him but she's laughing – and not at all doubting the truth of his statement.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>To this day, that's a memory Barney and Robin still enjoy. And when they did finally sleep together, just two weeks later, it was better than either one of them had even imagined – and they'd both spent months letting their imaginations run wild. There were no traces of the awkwardness or learning each other's bodies that first-time lovers usually encounter. It was like they were made to be doing this. They knew instinctively how to touch each other, when they were on the climb, when to tease, when to give more, just exactly what the other person needed. It was <em>certainly<em> magic that night.

And the magic was still there more than seven months later, the night Barney faked being in a fight to get Robin's attention. Now they know it was just a flimsy excuse on both their parts to allow them to openly lust after each other and bask in that magic for an evening.

Another five months later, almost a year to the day after the first time, they finally slept together again….and again, each time as amazing as the one before it. They leapt buildings to be together, not stepping – barely even noticing – when they rolled right off her bed.

Fast forward to their secret summer: days of sneaking around just to be together; nights where they couldn't get enough of each other; months when the spark became a raging fire. That was magic and something even more, something softer too. It was tinged with a whole new kind of magic.

Even after they called the whole thing off, the magic still never dwindled. The night Barney convinced Robin to sundress up and be herself again, the morning she came to visit him to find out if she made him feel needed, the evening before Blitzgiving where they touched and laughed and hung all over each other all night long, sharing a cab on the way to find Ted and Zoe, out in the pouring rain of a hurricane, dirty dancing at Punchy's wedding – all those times and more they felt that magic still there zinging between them, and they very nearly did something about it. They very nearly couldn't help themselves; it was only outside interruptions that stopped them.

When they did eventually make love again, the spark was so alive that they already started in the elevator – hell, even in the cab – and left of trail of clothes through his bedroom. It had been two years of wanting each other and they couldn't come together quickly enough.

Over the next ten months and even after unknowingly breaking each other's hearts, even while she was with another man and he was engaged to another woman, that magic wouldn't be silenced. It still had the power to capture them both in an instant and remind them that it's never been like this with anyone else and it never will be…

* * *

><p>August 2012<p>

* * *

><p>It's a mild late August evening, the kind of New York summer night that's just right, not too hot and not cool either, clear skies and you can actually make out stars if you're high enough above the city.<p>

Barney is all by himself for the week while Quinn's gone to visit her parents, and tonight Ted's off somewhere with Victoria. Lily and Marshall are busy too with the baby. He already stopped by their apartment before a dirty diaper potent enough to wake the dead chased him out. But in those few minutes he learned from Lily that Robin is still at WWN, working on some big breaking story. It's not even a conscious decision on his part; his heart just wills him there and soon he's taking the elevator up to her floor, a bag of takeout in his hand because Robin's just as bad as he is when she's caught up in work mode and he knows she hasn't stopped to eat dinner yet. After briefly getting entangled in a conversation with Patrice, who's working late too, he makes his way to Robin's office and gently knocks.

To say that she's surprised to see Barney at her door would be an understatement, but it's a pleasant surprise. The awkwardness that was present between them after their slipup last fall had worn off during the spring and summer months until they're just as close as ever. Well, almost. There are proprieties that have to be kept now that he's an engaged man and she's seriously involved with someone else. There are precautions, certain boundaries they have to set after what happened before. But though they may not talk _every_ day, it's certainly every other day. They still text regularly too, over the silliest things that no one else would find funny, and they continue to share the occasional lunch on the roof together, a tradition that started shortly after she got her first research position at World Wide News almost two years ago now.

She discovered the beautiful rooftop retreat very early on in her employment and told Barney all about it, and what with him working so close lunches together up on the roof became their regular thing. So that's where they head now, and Barney couldn't have come at a more opportune moment because now that her head's out of her work Robin's realized that she's starving.

There are a spattering of other WWN employees up on the roof but nothing like at lunchtime, meaning they have their pick of tables. They chose the one closest to the railing for an optimum view and start out on the feast of fries, beer, and the best burger in New York, courtesy of Barney.

The conversation flows easily as it always does with the two of them. They start out dinner at 8:30 p.m. when it's still light out and Robin decides it'll be alright to take a break "for a few minutes", but they're so lost in the food and each other that the next thing they know it's dark, the little white LEDs on the rails of the roof's edge and the city around them providing the only light…..And except for one other woman on a bench nearby, they're the only ones left on the roof.

That one last person gets up and leaves too after her phone rings. But it's not the fact that they're all alone up on the secluded, slightly romantic rooftop that has Barney and Robin on edge. No, it's the woman's ringtone that's changed the mood from fun and easy enjoyment of each other's company to something heavy and dangerous, all too alive and electric in the air between them.

The phone that started all this was playing Lady Gaga's "Love Game". They have no idea why all this time later it would still be someone's ringtone, yet it remains an annoyingly infectious song that will now be stuck in both their heads for hours. But it's not as simple as the earworm quality of the music. The reason it holds meaning for the two of them is that it was incredibly popular back in 2009 and seemed to be playing all the time during their summer. However, it's the one specific night that's captured them both, held tight by the memory. They were out at a club because it was the perfect excuse to sneak away to a place the others wouldn't want to go but the two of them could go together as 'bros out to wingman each other' without arousing suspicion….and if they happened to choose a remote club across town where no one would know them so they were free to do whatever, all the better.

Out on the floor they were dancing and grinding and by the time "Love Game" came on, encouraging her to take a ride on his disco stick, Robin and Barney were more than ready to do just that. Sneaking out a back exit that wasn't even meant for patrons, they propped open the door so they'd be able to get back inside and them promptly proceeded to jump each other's bones out in the back alley against the wall of the club. As they started out they could still hear the song playing in the near distance, providing a steady backbeat to set their initial tempo. It was hot and desperate and dirty; visceral, intense, fiercely passionate sex. Robin was left with bite marks on her neck, Barney had scratches down his back, and she's pretty sure that afterwards he ditched the used condom on the ground at their feet.

It wasn't a story they'd ever tell anyone else, but it was _amazing_. Whenever she hears that song she always thinks of that night. And apparently he thinks of it too, judging by the way he's looking at her. The moment draws out between them, romantic tension thick and heady in the air, and their hands are just barely touching now on the tabletop. She isn't sure if he moved or if she did or if they both did, but the one thing she does know is she's not cheating. She's not cheating with Barney _again_.

Even so, they feel that magnetic pull to each other and it almost seems like they're both leaning in ever so slightly…..

But that's ridiculous, Robin scolds herself, because Barney is happily engaged. He doesn't even think of her that way anymore. To remind them both of that fact, she says the one thing that's guaranteed to cool them down in an instant. "So why didn't you go with Quinn to meet her parents?"

The mention of Quinn makes Barney uncomfortable. He doesn't want to talk about or even _think_ about Quinn, not when he has the chance to spend the evening with Robin. "We may have gotten into a disagreement," he quietly confesses, staring down at the polished wood of the picnic table. His voice takes on a bitter, more animated quality as he tells her the rest. "She thinks the Bro Code is stupid. She hates my blog. _And_ she thinks I play laser tag too much. She says it's 'childish'." He uses air quotes. "Now she's insisting I give it up altogether."

Robin's eyebrows kept scrunching up harder and harder as he spilled the truth about his fight with Quinn, and by the time he got to the part where Quinn was trying to forbid him from playing the laser tag he loves so much, her eyes are practically shooting daggers. "Well that's just ridiculous. Maybe it's not the most sophisticated thing, but neither is beer and that doesn't make it any less awesome." They do an automatic cheers to that, clinking together the necks of their beer bottles. Grinning, Barney goes to throw away their trash and she gets up too. "And besides, any game that involves a fire arm – even a laser one – is automatically kickass."

Walking back to her, he comes to a stop standing so close in front of her that his suit jacket nearly grazes her dress. "See, you just get me."

Robin smiles softly. "Oh, you're not that complicated. The recipe to make Barney Stinson happy? Easy. Give you a nice suit, a little appreciation, some genuine affection, _killer_ sex and you're good to go."

"Of course the killer sex being the most important part," he smirks.

"Of course."

Barney leans in closer still. "No one can say we didn't get that part right."

It's like he's read her mind, and it's just the two of them alone with their guards down so she allows herself to admit it. "No, they can't…." They may have been a mess at the emotional stuff but making love to each other was one thing they excelled at, one place that no one else could even come close to touching. "It was…." she starts out in a whisper, searching for some way to describe it.

"….killer," they both finish together, looking into one another's eyes. Somehow they're close enough now that their chests are practically pressed together, and by innate instinct their gazes slowly slide down to each other's mouths.

"Robin, I've been looking everywhere for you!" Patrice's bubbly voice carries across the roof, and Barney and Robin jump apart.

Robin glances over and sees her dreaded co-worker standing in the open doorway. She's never been so glad to see Patrice in her life; she very nearly made a fool of herself.

"They need you back downstairs," Patrice explains.

"Yeah, sure, I'll be right there." Robin turns back to Barney, forcing herself to meet his eyes. "Thanks – thanks for dinner, but um….I have to go."

Barney silently nods and she's quick to run out of there, leaving him standing on the rooftop watching her hastily retreating figure.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>Despite knowing it would have been a mistake to act on it at the time, they both fully recognize how alive their magical spark was that night.<p>

Thankfully, over the next four months they finally did manage to get together, courtesy of Barney's play and proposal and their subsequent admissions of love. And that first night back together _truly_ was magic, just as difficult to surpass as she earlier told him…..

* * *

><p>December 2012<p>

* * *

><p>It's well after two a.m. but they're still going strong, positively insatiable for each other. Robin's knees are pulled up against his ribcage, her heels resting on the backs of his thighs as Barney sinks into her again. They've lost track of how many times they've made love but whatever the tally they can add one more.<p>

He begins to move, starts the slow, sweet friction and it's already sending exquisite signals through her spine. "This is crazy," she whispers breathlessly. "How can we _still_ want more?"

"It's us." Barney smiles, gazing down at her with that look of his that's half love and half lust and it just makes her hotter for him – if that's even physically possible.

"Yeah, it's us," Robin smiles back. "….Good thing I have you every day now. I need my constant fix."

"You'll get it; I need mine too."

She pulls him down for a kiss that turns into another and another until she skillfully flips them over so she's on top. Breaking the kiss, she sets her hands to his chest and pushes up to sit against him. For a moment Barney just looks at her tenderly, so full of love. He tucks her hair behind her ear, cupping her face and running his thumb gently over her lips. Then, with a devilish grin, he glides his hand down to caress her breast, his other hand sliding up her thigh to her hip. "We can never get enough, Robin. Not of _this_. Not of each other. Not of what we have together." He lets out a soft groan as she moves against him. "It's…"

"…magic," she finishes for him, smiling. After that their mouths are too busy for talking.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>And by now Robin and Barney know for sure that it wasn't just the novelty of that first night. Come New Year's Eve, they still couldn't wait to be together and rang in the New Year with a whole lot more than just kissing in the ladies room of MacLaren's. Then, after two whole months of being together, on their very first Valentine's Day they tried to be a "normal" couple but it didn't take long for all that magic to spiral out of control…..<p>

* * *

><p>February 2013<p>

* * *

><p>It's Valentine's night and they're <em>engaged<em> now and Barney wants to do the whole nine yards of romance for Robin because he never got the chance to before and she deserves that much. So they get dressed up and he takes her out to a fancy restaurant so elegantly romantic it could have come straight out of a movie, but the true surprise is waiting back at the apartment.

When they get home, Robin opens the door to find champagne poured and ready, candles lit on the table and kitchen counter, but what absolutely takes her breath away are all the roses. A sea of roses. More roses than she's ever seen in one place in her life. "My god, Barney. They're beautiful."

"1125 roses." Forty-five bouquets of twenty-five flowers set throughout the apartment. "One for every day since we broke up until we got back together, every day I should have been loving you but missed my chance."

"_Barney_," she breathes, tears filling her eyes. When he does big romantic gestures he certainly knows how to do them right – sweetly, intimately, _meaningfully_. So much better than a blue orchestra and a room full of strangers to ruin the moment.

Barney just smiles proudly, reaching around to the coffee table and presenting Robin with her next treat. "Custom-made truffles, cause every woman wants candy on Valentine's day, right?" He's completely buying into the cliché but that's the entire point, to bask in the romantic cliché for the night because it's Valentine's Day and they're getting _married_ so they're entitled. "Your three favorites, chocolate, raspberry – and maple," he winks.

Holding up the heart-shaped box for her, a broad grin on his face at the knowledge that he's pleased her, Robin sees so clearly the mischievous young boy who only ever longed to be loved. "Thank you, Barney. This is perfect," he says, kissing him tenderly.

He sets the truffles back down, reaching for the envelope she hadn't even noticed lying next to them. "But you haven't seen your real gift," he tells her, opening the flap and pulling out two tickets, which he lays in the palm of her hand. "I booked the resort in Belize."

Robin gasps and her face lights up. "The one from the brochure?"

"Yep." The Turtle Inn seafront villa they fell in love with while looking at pictures on the Internet one night in bed.

They – well, really, _she_ since with her love of travel Barney was letting Robin pick between the two – couldn't decide between honeymoons. There are still several places in Europe she wants to visit and hasn't yet been: France, Spain, Italy. This could have given her a chance to get another stamp in her passport as well as see her friends one last time for a year. But Belize looked _incredible_, and she was having an excruciatingly difficult time choosing between sightseeing in Italy, the more refined honeymoon, or the traditional tropical Sandals-type honeymoon – only not like Sandals at all. This was so much more intimate, with a private villa and their own stretch of beach where they could sunbath and make love in the sand and sea uninterrupted. In this case, Barney making the choice for them sets her mind at ease and makes her realize how much she desperately wanted Belize.

But then he tells her the best part: he didn't choose for them at all. "We'll still have Italy too. We'll go to Belize right after our wedding night; I have us booked for two weeks there in our private villa. Then we'll come home for a week. I can see to that big merger that's going down at GNB, you can catch up on things at WWN, and it'll give us time to repack for Europe instead of the beach. And then we'll leave for the final week of our honeymoon in Italy. We can go to Florence and the Four Seasons Hotel Firenze just like you always wanted. That'll give Marshall and Lily more time to settle in too so we can all have dinner on the final night before we fly back to New York."

"Barney, that really is perfect! The best of both worlds. And you know how much I want to go to Belize too. It'll be the perfect start to our marriage. Plenty of booze, sun, sand, sex, and an allover tan."

He wraps his arms around her. "Yes, yes, yes, _YES_, and yes," he answers and Robin giggles happily. "But I do have another motive in mind."

"Barney, it's our honeymoon. Yes, you're going to get – "

"No, not that. I want you to show me how to have sex on a windsurfing board."

Robin laughs. "You're _still_ hung up on that?"

"Yes! If there's a way to have sex Barney Stinson has to know it _and_ try it." Tonight was supposed to be all about love and romance but he can't help himself and he slides his hands down to her hips, pulling her flush against him. "Just imagine it: the board rocking beneath us to our rhythm as I pound into you again and again and again, a little bit harder, a little bit faster – and with that pole right there in front of you, conveniently located for you to rub against." He shots her a sly, naughty look. "That figures into it, doesn't it? I _know_ it does. It's going to be legen – I'm gonna take you out on the ocean and make love to you on the open waves till you scream my name and it'll be way better than that Gail ever could give you – dary."

"His name was Gael and you know it." She loops her arms around his neck, pressing closer. "But it _will_ be better with us, Barney. Not even a contest. It'll be fully legendary. And we'll be married by then too."

"Which makes it even more legendary. Honeymoon sex is the most legendary kind. A free pass to take an extended vacation and do nothing but bang each other as many times in as many ways as possible. How could that not be legendary?" He leans in to kiss her, a kiss that quickly grows heated as his hand moves down to grip her rear end. She nestles her hips into him, but he makes one last attempt to be a Ted-like gentleman before going all Barney on her. "Here," he says with effort, reaching down and grabbing a chocolate from the box. "At least eat one of your candies before I ravage you."

Robin laughs and lets him feed it to her, purposefully licking his finger in the process. "Mmm," she sighs when the maple flavor hits her tongue, because it really is scrumptious. Leave it to Barney to find a first-rate chocolatier; they probably cost more than the average daily salary. But all she's really interested in is more of him, and as soon as she's swallowed the candy she immediately brings his mouth back down to hers.

And that's all the more effort Barney came make at innocent sweetness when she's kissing him this way. She tastes like chocolate and Robin and he can't resist tangling his tongue with hers.

"Let's practice now, minus the board," she suggests eagerly, pressing the backs of his legs against the sofa and them tipping him down onto the cushion.

"So basically you just want to nail me on the couch?" Barney grins.

Robin smirks right back. "Pretty much." She unzips her dress, letting it fall to the floor unheeded. "You have any objections to that?" she asks enticingly as she eases down to straddle him in just bra and underwear.

"Objections? I'm gonna be inside you in less than five minutes," he answers gruffly, tugging her hips closer to his and bringing his open mouth to her neck.

Her hands go up into his hair, ready to lead his lips to just the right spot, but he anticipates her and gets there all on his own. "Five minutes? That's all the foreplay I get?" she teases, though she's already reaching around and unfastening her own bra, clearly just as impatient to get to it as he is.

"This first time. But it's gonna be a _good_ five minutes, Robin." Then he hooks his fingers into her underwear and tugs them down….

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>Months after that, they were just as unable to keep their hands off each other when Robin met Barney as he came through the door, welcoming him home in her puffy coat and nothing else. Then there was their amazing night of sex after his Bro Mitzvah. And on and on.<p>

Looking back on their history this way, just like that, the bubble of paranoia clouding their minds bursts leaving a serene clarity behind. Because it all goes to show that time after time, year after year, even while others came and went, one thing remained as constant and true as their love for each other and that's their _lust_ for each other – their chemistry, their driving passion to have one another, their deep intrinsic _need_ to come together.

It makes them both realize in a rush that Robin was right down at the bar. _This is us_. And that says it all. All this time and through everything – and they've been through a lot – that spark is still going strong. The magic hasn't faded. It's only enhanced and grown deeper. Because the magic is _never_ going to fade. Their love and their magic already have and will continue to endure.

Barney turns back from the two octogenarians still going at it behind closed doors to face his fiancée with the profound and certain realization, "In sixty years, _that'll_ be us. Right?" They're never going to be the stereotypical old, bickering married couple, not the two of them. They'll always be just as hot for each other as ever.

"Yeah," Robin smiles lovingly. "It will." He gives her that naughty snicker and grin combination that always got her right from the start and she laughs happily, bringing him in close for another kiss.

With that issue settled they now realize that postponing sex isn't any indicator of a fading magic level. It simply means they can wait until later because they actually _have_ a later now. There's no hurry anymore. They have forever. And that's a truth to be celebrated. So, holding hands, they accept their fate and greet the relatives who came from near and far just for that very purpose, to celebrate their love and marriage and their new life together.

* * *

><p>Remarkably, after only fifteen minutes Barney manages to break away, smelling something like a gift shop from all the sickeningly sweet old lady perfume that's rubbed off on him from nearly being hugged to death and with a pocketful of butterscotch candies from all the old men, but in one piece all the same. Robin, however, is still stuck talking to a third cousin. There's no escape for her just yet….which means there's something else he needs to attend to now.<p>

Coming up to her side he slides his arm around her waist, taking the opportunity to discreetly whisper to her, "I'm going downstairs to have a drink with Ted."

Robin grimaces at that, but since he's clueless as to her role in running the $600 of toasting scotch he _could_ be enjoying right now, she merely nods and smiles sweetly.

"Come meet me when you can break out of King County," he quips, and he can feel her silent laughter against his lips as he bends to kiss her temple before heading to the stairs.

Taking a deep breath, Barney starts down towards the lobby where he spotted him earlier. Because it's that time. Time to see what Ted has to say for himself about breaking the Bro Code.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I know I'm behind in episodes and with the updated HIMYM schedule showing they're going to keep airing new episodes through mid-December I know I'm likely to stay behind until the hiatus and the new year when they start showing some repeats in between. But thanks for sticking with me and rest assured I'm always still writing and working on it. It just take a bit of time to catch up when they keep airing so many new episodes at once!


	52. 904

**AN**: This is the shortest chapter I've written in a long time but I really didn't have a whole lot to add to this episode. I strongly disliked the almost ridiculous resolution to the Ted/Barney issues, and I found it insulting that Barney was apologizing to Ted when the man has every right to be angry with him (and for the record, Barney didn't do a thing wrong by Robin either; _she _told him to stay). I thought it was revolting that Ted was let completely off the hook for his crazy locket schemes and last minute hopes to win Robin over. But then again, Barney doesn't know about any of that (nor does Robin) and it remains to be seen if Ted will bear repercussions for those actions eventually. As it stands though, there wasn't a whole lot to be said for what they gave us strictly in 9.04.

* * *

><p><strong>The Broken Code<strong>

* * *

><p>Out on the hotel's back porch overlooking the pristine beach, Barney confronts Ted about the night a little over a week ago when he saw him holding Robin's – <em>his<em> fiancée's – hand by the carousel.

That day had been a weird afternoon all around. Dealing with Robin Sr. is always trying, especially when the man didn't even want them getting married in the first place, but Barney seemed to have made real, positive headway with him. When Robin called with a problem, he was in the middle of an intense game that he honestly didn't want to stop. So when she told him it could wait and that he should stay there and have fun with her dad, he was happy to take her up on it. If she would have asked him directly of course he would have dropped what he was doing and come to her, but she gave him her permission to stay and he ran with it.

Still, afterwards he felt guilty because Robin's "it's stupid" means it's anything but, and regardless of what she said he felt like he should have gone to her right away. Though she hadn't insisted, he should've hastened to help her anyway out of courtesy to her, because even without her "it's stupid" just the very fact that she called for him proved that she wanted him there despite what she said so that's where he ought to have been.

Realizing that, Barney hurried to shed his laser tag gear and go to her, better late than never. He found out from her dad just exactly where she was and rushed to Robin's side, smiling brightly when he saw her there in the distance. But then he found Ted already there with her, diligently comforting her, going so far as to actually hold her hand.

Barney was filled with an immediate sense of shame for not being there himself when Robin needed him. _He_ should have been the one in the mud holding her hand and that's all there is to it.

But close on the heels of that shame and guilty remorse came a sense of annoyance and exasperation that had been building for a while. Because what exactly _was_ Ted doing there with Robin attempting to fill his shoes?

Holding a woman's hand is not exactly a distinctly platonic action. It could be innocent on Ted's part. Then again, it could be anything but. And when you take this alongside Ted's cryptic comments during the Liddy incident at MacLaren's – how _he_ knows Robin so much better, and what he would be doing and how he would be acting if _he_ were the one Robin's marrying – well….it makes a man wonder.

It makes a man wonder even more when you take into account Ted's suspect behavior at the early stages of their wedding planning, fixating on it with a binder even bigger than Lily's and telling Robin 'we're going to have this' and 'we're going to have that' as if in his mind he imagined _himself_ to be her groom and was trying to vicariously live Barney's experience.

Yes, it definitely makes a man question things. But Barney's done his best to dismiss those questions, lock them away tight, because what he tells Ted out on that porch is true; Ted is his best friend and best man and he certainly ought to be able to trust him. That's why he refuses to believe Ted's actions might have had an ulterior motive.

But that doesn't stop him from being pissed off about the sheer impropriety of it, particularly when Ted implies that he _had_ to go help Robin because Barney was too busy to make time for her, an allegation that stings. The whole thing is insulting actually, and Barney wants due reprisal. Ted broke the Bro Code. Bros don't horn in on other bro's fiancées – especially a fiancée said bro made a play for himself only a year ago. It dishonorable; it's a matter of the Code. Ted violated it and he has every right to be angry with him because of it. But he lets it go for now, lulling Ted into a false sense of security for the bigger things he has planned.

Once back inside, Barney tries to put it out of his mind for now and enjoy a little time with Robin. Grabbing a scotch for the both of them, he sits down beside her at the table and drapes his arm over her chair protectively…..and, okay, maybe a little territorially.

The conversation turns to Marshpillow 2.0, and then friendly squabbling over Robin's bachelorette party, but things start to get awkward once Lily throws out the accusation that Robin has no girls she could have invited.

Barney knows this is something of a sensitive area for Robin at times, enmeshed in her dark daddy issues and the unconventional way she was raised, and he looks down at the table empathetically as she vehemently denies the charge, clearly motivated by self-protection.

"Face it, Robin," Lily declares, "you hate women….And women hate you."

It's a well-placed barb that hits a direct target, playing on Robin's longstanding insecurities for being so different, so unlike other women. Most days she wants to say to hell with them then; there's nothing wrong with her; who needs em? But other times it's hard to ignore the notion that when everyone else is the same, _she_ must be the problem, the oddity. And right now happens to be one of those times. "How could you say that?" Robin objects. "Women don't hate me." It's a lie, but a comforting one.

"Okay, sure, maybe not _all_ women," Lily amends. "But name me one other female friend you have."

"I…I don't – I…there's…." Put on the spot, Robin knows she's got nothing.

While Lily and Robin's back and forth continues, Barney's mind loses track of the argument and who's ahead at the moment, still too preoccupied with his elaborate revenge scheme. Ted holding Robin's hand makes him see red, makes him want to smash a TV somewhere. He's already sent Ted off on a fool's errand to rewrite the table cards, but there's much more where that came from so he abruptly excuses himself from Robin and Lily's quarrel. "I have to go talk to Ted."

He starts to stand but Robin reaches for his arm. "Wait."

Sensing they need a moment and that Robin's not too happy with her right now anyway, Lily gets up. "I'll get us a smaller table – and see where Linus is; I need a new drink."

Once she's gone over to the bar, Robin turns back to Barney, frowning. "Lily's right isn't she? I have no girlfriends. It's true; women _do_ hate me."

"Listen," he tells her, taking her hand, because he's not just going to walk away and leave her without the very best of reassurance, "you are an incredible woman, and if other women can't see that then it's their loss. _I_ love you, and I still think you're the most awesome person I've ever met. We have each other, and that's way better than some Sex in the City crew."

"You're right," Robin smiles, and he can see her confidence restoring. "Who cares what anyone else thinks? I _am_ awesome, aren't I?"

"Unsurpassed." He kisses her tenderly before getting up. "I gotta go. We're starting the poker game early." She nods her understanding and then he hightails it out of there to put the rest of his plot into play.

There's banishing Ted down to a maintenance room in the basement that's little more than a dungeon, saddling him with caring for the many doves in said room, and then rewriting the place cards all over again. Anything to torture him. Payback is a bitch and Ted's getting his.

It all culminates in replacing him as best man – and when Ted discovers as much, that's when the true anger comes out. Ted swears there was no wrongdoing in his actions, but Barney holds firm in insisting that there most certainly was. Ted can't just go around holding Robin's hand. She's _his_ fiancée, very soon to be his _wife_. He's the only one who gets to hold her hand – and any other part of her. It's a matter of the Bro Code. Hell, it's a matter of friendship, period.

But when butting heads gets them nowhere, they end up taking it back down to the basement, down to Marshall to decide their dispute, and that leads to the three of them heading out to the beach for a test of handholding as a mark of platonic friendship.

* * *

><p>Back in the bar, Lily apologizes for what she said. Yet Robin knows she really <em>does<em> have a problem connecting with other women, and now she can admit as much. The truth is, since she was raised as a boy, excessively girlish ways are so foreign to her that they tend to make her uncomfortable. Women can be such whiny, overemotional, oversensitive little girls.

But she's okay with that. She's okay with not taking to other women and other woman hating her right back. Like Barney said, they have each other. And if she ever feels the need for some girl talk, well she's got Lily for that….Or, you know, Ted.

Lily doesn't see it that way however, and it leads to the whole new problem of Lily becoming determined to help – or in this case _force_ – Robin to find a new girlfriend for the year that she'll be absent in Italy. "What are you gonna do without our Saturday morning brunch with a side of sassy gossip?"

What Lily doesn't know, what Robin has never had the heart to tell her, is that their sassy girls' brunch has always been _her_ thing and she only goes along with it to humor her. In fact, last month when Marvin had an earache and Lily couldn't make it, aside from her little godson's suffering it was the best Saturday morning Robin had spent in weeks. That specific morning is why, though the others may not get it, may never entirely understand or approve of who she really is, she knows that Barney absolutely does…

* * *

><p>April 2013<p>

* * *

><p>Waking up before eight – which there is absolutely no excuse for on a Saturday – is sadly not new to Robin, and when she opens her eyes she isn't surprised to see that Barney is still sleeping. She would be too if she could. But most days her body still persists in the habit of being an early riser after years spent in a godawful timeslot when getting up that ridiculously early was out of necessity.<p>

Careful not to wake Barney, she tip-toes quietly from their bedroom in her pajamas to go find some breakfast. Actually, she doesn't mind this. It's far different from how she thought she'd been spending her Saturday morning. And left to her own devises, there's no reason to go to the effort of wearing something stylish and cute like she would have for Lily's brunch, or to order the latest celebrity trend breakfast that may or may not taste all that great while she indulges Lily's "sassy gossip". Instead, Robin spends the morning exactly as she'd like: watching the ESPN replay of the Rangers game and eating her classic beer cereal. Much like her beer ice cream floats, it's a trend that still hasn't caught on with the rest of the country, but if they can embrace beer _bread_ she figures it's just a matter of being ahead of her time.

When her shouts at their massive TV – which truly is a transportive experience, making her feel like she's in on the action, so she really can't be blamed – become increasingly animated, she looks up to see Barney come into the room….just as she's pouring more beer onto her corn flakes.

He gives her an amused look, his mouth tipping up to one side. "My future wife."

Robin's always felt comfortable around Barney – dangerously attracted when she didn't want to be for most of their acquaintance, but comfortable all the same. The two of them have been friends for nearly eight years and there's never any judgment there between them; there's nothing she couldn't share with him. But even so, she feels a sense of what can only be described as self-consciousness wash over her as she realizes the scene he's just walked in on. There she is on the couch wearing cropped slouch sweats and a t-shirt, screaming at the game while enjoying a beer – in both bowl and bottle – at nine in the morning. She's not exactly the picture of sexiness, not exactly the perky blonde bimbo Barney has spent years waking up to.

She bites her lip, wondering if she should just play this off, forget the feeling and simply wish her fiancé good morning, or if she should come clean about what's bothering her. But communication has been their longstanding problem and in order to make this relationship work when they feel something they need to say something honestly to each other about it.

Setting her cereal bowl down, Robin takes a deep breath, preparing to do just that, bracing herself for the harshly truthful answer she might get in reply. "Barney, be honest; does it bother you that I'm not…." She pauses, thinking of the best way to describe it. "….more feminine?"

He's only been up ten minutes. Maybe that's why he's slow to follow. Or maybe it's the utter ridiculousness of the very idea of him finding _any_ fault with her. The end result being Barney isn't quite sure what she's getting at. "What do you mean?" His forehead crinkles in confusion as he tries to decipher her. "Because you're watching the game?"

"Well that, and the beer for breakfast," she says, lifting the bottle sheepishly. "And what I'm wearing….It's not exactly what you're used to on women….Because, you know, I _could_ step up my game. I haven't lost it," she's quick to point out.

And now he gets it. She's comparing herself to his other conquests and wondering if he's bothered by the contrast in her lack of overtly girlish ways. Which is insane. The fact that she _is_ so set apart is the very thing that drew him to her in the first place. He'll take Robin's personality to so-called 'girlish' ways any day. "Of course you haven't," he rejoins as if it's the silliest thing in the world. And it is. So what if she doesn't sleep in frilly, exotic lingerie? After the sex is done, why _not_ put on something comfortable? He has his pajama bottoms he sleeps in too. As for what Robin's attire, sure it's a t-shirt and sweats but she wears them like nobody's business. He looks down at the way they fall on her figure and his eyes are still drawn to the curves of her body beneath, the same way they would be in her fanciest dress. She has Lil' Barney – already a 'morning riser' – perking up at just a glance.

"Robin, I meant that as a compliment – as in, I can't believe I'm lucky enough to get to marry a woman this awesome. And there's nothing wrong with what you're wearing. You look super-hot, all comfy and straight from bed like no one else gets to see you but me….I bet if I put my hands under that shirt, or into those pants," he murmurs, his tone falling low and deep as his eyes skim over her, "your skin would be all warm and soft and inviting."

His eyes have that glazed look and she can tell he's already undressed her in his mind. "I'd do you right now on this couch if you'd let me. _Mmm_," he hums, imagining just that. "What do I need with all those hooks and closures anyway? The Barnacle knows his way around lingerie, no doubt, but with this I can have you completely naked in two seconds flat." He shakes himself from his lust-induced fog to remember that the subject isn't sex but the crime of Robin feeling insecure for even just a second. "But forget the clothes, Robin. I love that you're not a typical woman. I've had typical women, and none of them made the slightest impression. I _love_ that you're you."

She smiles up at him. "Really? Are you _sure_? Because sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not enough like other women, that maybe it puts people off."

"Absolutely I'm sure. I love that on a good night you can outdrink me. I love that you know your way around scotch and a cigar better than most men. I love that you can defend this apartment with a .45 if necessary. I love that you have a body that _will not quit_ but I still get to watch a game with you rather than be dragged down to the boutiques to tell you which outfit looks best. I don't want a typical, average woman. I want you, Robin Scherbatsky, who doesn't have a single average bone in her body. Why would I want average when I could have extraordinary?" He grins down at her with a look so tender and loving it nearly takes her breath away. "Now scoot over." He slides in next to her on the couch, swiping the beer bottle from her hand and taking a swing. "If I'm gonna marry a Canadian I might as well get used to hockey now."

Robin laughs lightly as Barney settles in and starts watching the game, but all she's watching is him. A minute and a half later she hits pause on the remote.

"Hey," he protests as all the players freeze on screen.

"You said you wanted to do me right now if I'd let you…." She tosses the remote onto the table and presses up on her knees, gliding one leg over his lap to straddle him. "I'm gonna more than 'let you', Barney….And then, afterwards, I'll slip back into these pants in two seconds flat," she winks, using his words, "and we'll watch the rest of the game."

"The perfect Saturday morning," he sighs, his hands already under her shirt. And he was right; she is warm and oh so soft beneath.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>That's why even if every other woman in the world looks at her like a pariah, Robin is nevertheless comfortable in her own skin, knowing she has her soon-to-be husband's full approval.<p>

What's more, once Lily's gone to Rome, Robin imagines she'll be able to spend _every_ Saturday morning in the same enjoyable fashion.

Lily, however, is dismayed at the idea. She fully understands why women would want to punch Robin in a jealous rage. She's gorgeous, with a killer body that makes it into her fantasies at least once a week – and on top of that men _love_ Robin. She's a guy's dream; the body of a hot woman with the sex drive and interests of a man. That's guaranteed to bring on the female hate. But she still feels that her best gal pal is going to need another female influence while she's away in Italy, and she's not letting up till it happens.

Seeing how serious Lily is about all this, and having nothing better to do, Robin decides to kill an hour playing along in trying to find a new bestie, spewing Barney-isms and going about the bar trying to 'pick up' a woman in a fashion entirely worthy of her fiancé.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, out on the beach, Marshall forces Barney to hold Ted's hand and accept his comfort, which gets him to admit that the one he's really upset with is himself. The incident at the carousel made him feel all over again that he isn't good enough for Robin. He should have come when she first called. <em>He<em> should have been the one holding her hand. But he failed her.

In actuality, the very fact that he's been berating himself so – not over a failure to come to her, because he _did_ come, but simply because he didn't drop everything and come running to her side even _sooner_ – stands as compelling proof of how very much he loves Robin and desperately wants to do right by her. At the moment, however, all he sees is that he let her down.

But that's on him, not Ted.

"Look, Ted, I'm sorry that I've been taking it out on you. You were just being a good friend to Robin." The air grows silent, the moment heavy between them….and Barney _has_ to broach it. It's been at the back of his mind for months now and after the carousel incident he has to just put it out there, get a quick 'no', and then he can move on and never think about it or ever question it again. "I mean, it would be different if you still had feelings for her." That's what all the dark voices whisper to him, telling him that what he really saw that day was his best friend Ted trying to make a move on his fiancée. "But you don't. Right?" he nods, his forehead scrunching in a hint of tension as he waits for Ted's comforting denial – so that _he_ can go back to living in denial.

But no answer comes and harshness spills into his tone as he repeats, "_Right_?" His eyebrow rises expectantly, waiting.

Rather than a denial, what eventually comes is an unflinching confirmation, and Barney drops Ted's hand in blind anger. Not only does his best friend _still_ have feelings for his fiancée but now by bluntly admitting it right out, as if he's not even ashamed at all, he's made them face this thing. He's brought the ugly truth out in the open and now they're going to have to deal with it.

But there _is_ no dealing with it – which is why he's allowed himself to live in denial about Ted all this time. Ted's desire for Robin is unacceptable any way you look at it, and Barney demands Ted turn those feelings off. Ted claims that he's trying, but they're beyond the point of merely 'trying' and certainly beyond the point of excuses.

It's been six years. _Six years_. Robin's already told Ted in no uncertain terms that she doesn't love him. Now, driving that point home, she's marrying _him_ instead. End of story. Barney's patience has worn thin. It's long past time for Ted to move on already.

"Well then try _harder_," he demands. "I'm marrying her in less than two days." Does Ted really expect him to just blithely live with his best friend pining after his wife? Not even knowing if he can trust him alone with her after Ted's all but admitted that holding her hand was less than innocent. "What the hell are we gonna do about this?" _Something_ has to give – and it's not going to be his marriage to Robin. He would hate to lose Ted's friendship but if it comes down to a choice, there _is_ no choice.

Ted finally breaks down and admits that it _was_ weird and he did feel something holding Robin's hand. Still, he maintains that the two of them are brothers and he'd never do anything to hurt him. But Barney reflexively scoffs at that since Ted's actions out in the rain don't exactly support what he claims. It sure seems like Ted was _already_ trying to make time with _his_ soon-to-be wife.

And he knows how Ted gets when he's obsessed with women. For years he's seen how he gets about _Robin_. He's never going to let her go.

When Ted recognizes Barney's skepticism, he offers to even swear on the Bro Code as a good faith gesture, prompting Barney to bitterly proclaim, "The Bro Code's stupid."

He believes in it, yes. He even built a life around it. But at the end of the day he made it all up; they're past the point of pretending now. And while it's fun – and truthful and a fairly brilliant text – what is the Bro Code really in the face of something as serious as this? Who cares about silly rules and bylaws when the future of their entire friendship is on the line?

Be that as it may, Ted insists on swearing by the same Bro Code – _Barney's_ Bro Code – which he's always mocked, proving how seriously he's taking this too. With his hand on the Code, he confesses truthfully that he may always have a little feeling left for Robin. It's an acknowledgement that makes Barney quirk his head in contempt, because that's obviously not okay. Living life knowing that his bro still has the hots for his wife is _not_ tolerable and no amount of swearing on any book is going to change that. But Ted insists he doesn't want to lose their friendship and vows to do his best to get over it, and certainly never to act on those inappropriate feelings.

The question becomes, can Barney live with that?

The blunt and utter truth is that he shouldn't have to. It isn't fair to him. It's too much to expect someone – anyone – to just be cool about this and not care or be bothered at all. This is Ted's problem, not his, and he shouldn't have to deal with it, especially not on his wedding weekend. He should never at _any_ time have to deal with a friend who still wishes _he_ could be the one married to his wife.

But then Barney thinks about his friendship of over a decade with Ted. He thinks about all the crazy times they've shared and the ways they've been there for each other as more than just bros, as _brothers_. And he thinks about how he would feel if this were the other way around, if last February Robin _had_ gotten together with Ted, and he knows he would be feeling the same way. He would've never stopped loving her regardless – he _couldn't_; he's never been able to. And so he does sympathize with what Ted's going through. But he also knows, most of all, that he would have wanted Robin to be happy, and that means he never would have interfered even if he wasn't the one she was marrying. Barney wants to believe the same of Ted.

He doesn't want to lose his best bro simply because they fell in love with the same woman; that's an equally unfair alternative. And he doesn't want Robin to have to lose Ted either. It isn't her fault that Ted wants more than friendship from her. She's caught in the middle of all this and he knows she loves Ted dearly as a friend just like he does. It would be a devastating loss for the both of them if they had to cut Ted out of their life.

So, ultimately, Barney decides to let it be just exactly what it is: _Ted's_ problem to get over. From this moment forward he's going to put it out of his mind entirely and go back to the way they were before. Whatever Ted feels or doesn't feel for Robin will be _his_ issue to get past and it won't have to change the relationship between the three of them just as long as Ted keeps it in-check the way he promised.

* * *

><p>Back in the bar, Barney's methods have been successful – a little too successful Robin soon discovers when she comes back from her trip to the ladies room to grab her forgotten purse and instead finds Lily jealously threatening her new friend. Never have the words "I'll cut you!" sounded so sweet to Robin.<p>

_This_ is why their friendship works, because Lily's not like every other woman either. She's a total psycho, Robin's own psycho bestie, and the only one she needs.

After the women finish hugging, they sit back down with their drinks for a side of Lily's sassy gossip right now since they'll inevitably miss their girls' brunch tomorrow.

"So," Lily asks, "what was up with you running out of here earlier, after we confessed to Ted about ruining his scotch?"

In hindsight, the memory of just exactly what had her running out of the bar and up to the third floor makes Robin smile. "Oh, Barney and I got this crazy idea into our heads that once we were married for a while maybe the magic would start to fade and we wouldn't keep having sex anymore, or at least not as much."

"What?" Lily laughs.

"Yeah, we got a little nuts there for a minute," Robin acknowledges now. "We decided we had to bang as soon as possible – and in some place wild and forbidden too – just to prove how hot we are for each other."

"Robin, that's insane. Marshall and I have been together for seventeen years _and_ we have a kid, but we still go at each other like rabbits whenever we find the time. And this is _you and Barney_," she says as if that alone makes it all the more absurd. "_You two_ are worried about the spark fading? Seriously? You guys still sneak off at least twice a month from group events to go do each other on whatever bed or hard surface you can find. You have the kind of chemistry that just _doesn't_ fade, remember? Besides, this is Barney Stinson we're talking about." She gestures at Robin's tight body that most women would kill for, the kind of figure that age doesn't touch. "He's still gonna wanna hit that when you're ninety."

Robin smiles brazenly. "We ended up figuring that out."

Lily just shakes her head at her. "After Barney plowed you out in the open where anyone could see, right? I swear I'm gonna end up bailing you two out of jail someday…..But the next time you guys do it in public like that you should give me a heads-up. You – you know," she's quick to add when Robin gives her an odd look, "so I _won't_ be anywhere nearby to have to see that….Cause I definitely wouldn't want to watch."

"Right," Robin chooses to quickly gloss over that. "Well no plowing took place anyway – actually _someone_ was, just not us. We figured it out after we accidentally walked in on my great-grandparents doing it."

"Eww," Lily shudders. "That's a tough one."

"_Yeah_. And it wasn't normal doing it either. I'm talking dirty stuff – with a walker, a pair of dentures, and some Werther's Original." Robin grimaces, pushing away the remembered image. "But it gave us hope, you know? If they're still that kinky at their age, _we_ can be too."

She spots Barney coming in from the lobby just then, all wet and clearly a victim of the sudden rain shower that had cropped up outside. "Excuse me a minute," she says to Lily, getting up to go after him.

She catches up with Barney in the hall and questions him, "Hey, is everything alright?" Grabbing a fresh towel from a nearby housekeeping cart she places it over his head, gently toweling off his wet hair. "I saw you and Ted heading out to the beach with Marshpillow," she divulges, letting go of the towel and allowing him to take over the task. "It looked kind of tense."

Barney drapes the towel down over him and Robin reaches up, padding her palms over his shoulders and chest to soak up the moisture from his jacket. "You know," he shrugs. "Bro Code ceremony."

She nods, walking with him the rest of the way to their suite. "Just as long as everything's okay."

When they get to the door he doesn't immediately go inside even though she knows it's unlocked and the poker game's already started, apparently without him. Instead he turns to her and quietly asks, "Do you know Ted and I once got into a fight over who gets to marry you?"

Robin looks up at him, surprised. "Really?"

"Yep. I insisted you were going to be Robin Stinson someday." He smiles at the irony of that. "But Ted did _not_ agree. We ended up coming to blows over it. True story. Bloody nose, black eye, the whole nine."

"When was this?" she asks with concern now.

"After you and I broke up, when you started dating Don," Barney scowls. "I was lost without you, you know. All that sleeping around was only to try and forget you. But it wasn't working and I was a mess. Actually, it was the night we both came over to Don's apartment to find you and I shouted 'Robin, I love you' up to the window. Do you remember that?"

"Yes, I do. I remember," Robin replies, thinking back and trying to make sense of it years later with this new information added. "I – I thought you guys were goofing off."

"You thought I was just drunk," Barney points out. "You didn't believe me. But I meant every word of it."

It was so long ago and she was completely in the dark, with no idea he was still in love with her and certainly no clue that he was fighting with Ted because _he_ wanted to marry her one day. It's kind of a mind bomb and Robin doesn't know what else to say other than, "I'm sorry. I really didn't know."

He holds her gaze meaningfully. "As long as you believe me now."

"_Of course_ I do," she grabs his hand, holding it in hers. "Barney, where is all this coming from?"

He shakes his head, smiling. "I'm just _really_ happy that I get to be the one. I'm so glad I was right about Robin _Stinson_."

Smiling softly, Robin moves in close to him. "Me too." She pulls him into a tender, lingering kiss and by the time they break away she can see that whatever tension was still there before has drained out of him, melting away with the sweetness of their kiss.

Perked up and grinning and back to his normal self again, Barney asks, "So you wanna play some poker?", nodding toward their room.

She smirks at his playfulness. "Yeah, just let me go get Lily."

"Okay," he smiles, leaning in for one more, quick kiss before opening the door to their suite. "Bros!" he announces to the table – which now includes Marshpillow _and _Ted, who already went in ahead of him. "Make room for two more. It's for the bride."


	53. 905

**AN**: Again, there are several flashbacks in this chapter I've set off with dated line breaks. It would be so much simpler if this site would allow indentation, but hopefully this is not too confusing.

* * *

><p><strong>The Poker Game<strong>

* * *

><p>The best man poker game is winding down and chip-wise Robin is ahead, yet she hasn't been able to enjoy her victory the way she ordinarily would because of James's rude behavior. He's been making all these comments, little jabs at love and marriage, the entire game and at this point she's barely tolerating it. By the time he gets around to openly telling Barney not to get married – repeatedly and right to her face – she knows that something must be done. James is being disrespectful not funny, even if she makes allowances for his situation and his obvious bitterness because of it – which honestly doesn't seem quite justified knowing <em>he <em>is the cause of his own divorce by running around all over town and being unable to keep it in his pants. Regardless, the bottom line is James is being a jerk and his behavior is inexcusable no matter what he's going through. The entire reason he's here is to celebrate his brother's wedding and to wish the two of them well as they start their live together. _He_ should be the one who has to smile and tolerate talk of love and marriage. It shouldn't be up to her to bear with him, and it is _never_ okay for him to sit there like it's nothing while he tries to talk Barney out of marrying her, even 'jokingly' – and in front of a room full of people no less.

Barney, for his part, hasn't failed to notice his brother's ill-mannered comments. In truth, they've made him very uncomfortable. But James is going through a lot right now, and theirs has always been a family of support that never included criticism or correction even when it was probably called for, as in times like this. And so, despite the impropriety and the fact that it really isn't amusing, only painfully out of place, he keeps laughing along anyway to humor and support his brother.

It seems like a good plan to Barney and he sticks with it. Mid-way through the next hand, he laughs at another of James's joke and then excuses himself to the bathroom to try to rectify his losing streak by stuffing a few extra cards up his sleeve. But his 'good plan' goes south when Robin comes to join him for a moment of privacy in which she asks him to take his brother aside and tell James to please stop being so negative about marriage.

It's a request that only makes sense to Robin. She knows it might be more awkward and hurtful coming from her, and this is Barney's brother after all; he should be the one to handle this. Rather than agreeing, however, Barney merely defends James and makes excuses for him in the same way he's done for his mother, and by now it's getting frustrating.

In actual fact, Barney knows Robin's right. James _is_ crapping all over marriage; it's hard to deny that. But this puts him in an awful position. If he says something to James, his brother will likely bristle and be pissed off at him. If he doesn't, Robin's going to be irritated with him. Still, in this case he hopes appealing to her honestly will be the smoothest course. "Come on, Robin. Please don't ask me to pick sides." He's been trying to avoid just that for weeks now. All he wants is for them to get along and love each other the way that he loves them. "In two days he's gonna be your brother too."

Barney's advice to Robin to just be honest and tell James what's bothering her sounds reasonable enough, but not when you're a Scherbatsky and not when you're dealing with a Stinson. It took her and Barney literally years to get to this point with each other. Most of their relationship was spent in miscommunication and keeping their true feelings stuffed down inside. Which is why straight-out honesty is not an option here and she knows it. It wouldn't be received well by James; he'd either be offended or laugh it off and it would do nothing to alleviate the situation. So when they get back out to the game she tries instead to just let it go for a while longer.

But then James starts in again.

Barney really wishes he would stop. It's making things edgy and stressful, but he doesn't want to say anything that might further upset James so he continues to play along.

But this time James has taken things too far for Robin's liking. Before his comments were out of line, but this one about no sex after marriage specifically plays upon what he _knows_ was their very recent fear. A joke may be a joke but this just seems like James is genuinely trying to make Barney nervous all over again and get him to run out on her before they even make it to the altar. And when Robin sees that she's going to get nothing but increasingly nervous laughter from her fiancé, she decides she'll have to handle this herself.

The only way to stop this is to teach James a vivid lesson whereby he'll end it on his own. She's learned a few things about observation and perception from Barney over the years and it's come in handy now by helping her realize that James is, in fact, full of it. She's noticed that he still wears his wedding ring, and that's a tell stronger than any other. If marriage means so little to him and is such a hateful punishment of an institution then let's see him give up that ring. Bet it on the table as a trinket as meaningless as these poker chips. But Robin knows that's not how he feels at all. Just like his brother's box full of mementos he kept in storage and her own box she kept hidden under her bed, the only reason to hold on to sentimental things from a relationship is if it truly did and still _does_ mean the world to you, a wedding ring most of all; the only reason she's willing to put her own engagement ring from Barney on the line is because she knows James is bluffing in his hand and she's guaranteed to win.

Outwardly, he may be crapping all over marriage, but inwardly James _must_ still cherish it, and if she can get him to recognize as much then all this anti-marriage rhetoric will stop and he'll make an attitude adjustment on his own, without either her or Barney needing to get directly involved and upset the fragile family waters.

But when she does win things don't go as planned. Before her strategy even has a chance to work, Barney gets upset with her. He saw the look on his brother's face and knows James is lying about what the ring means to him. It makes him think of his own little remembrances of Robin, his most cherished possessions he would never part with. He still vividly remembers what it felt like when those were the only things he had left of her. James must be going through something similar, and that's why he wishes Robin would just grin and bear it the way he's been doing rather than seek reprisal.

Things only go from bad to worse for Robin when James immediately goes running to his mommy and gets Loretta involved – the very last thing she needs.

Loretta comes barging into the suite, demanding, "What'd you do to my little boy?" and little lines of worry crinkle Barney's forehead, his expression doleful. Because this blow-up has been coming on for a while. He's done his best to avoid it by trying to pacify them both, but he knows it's all about to hit the fan.

Loretta asks to see him in the bathroom and starts tearing into him right away. How could Robin be so uncaring? How could he let her do this to their family? Get his brother's ring back _right now_! Barney groans inwardly at her refusal to see that it's not as simple as that. Robin is her own woman, and James _was_ being an ass to her. He sort of had it coming even if Barney doesn't necessarily agree with her methods. "Mom, please don't make me take sides," he repeats his earlier mindset. Just like with the Ted situation, this isn't fair to him either. With his fiancée and his family at odds, nobody wins and least of all him.

Nevertheless, his mother argues back, "That's your _brother_ out there", and gives a striking reminder of all the things he and James have shared.

It's true; growing up, it was the two of them against the world, particularly with his mom's absence at times in his early years. It used to be no question where his loyalty lies, firmly with his mom and James, but falling in love with Robin – wanting to marry her and build a life with _her_ – changed all that. He has new loyalty now, and it's confusing and upsetting when the two loyalties come into conflict.

"Stinsons stand up for each other. _Take care of this_!" his mother demands, and it's an agonizing choice for Barney. She's right that Stinson always stand up for each other, but he stands up for Robin too. What is he supposed to do?

Loretta bursts from the bathroom, her brash announcement to the room a salient reminder for Barney that she's no saint either. And she _has_ been coming down on Robin a lot lately. For the longest time his mother had been the only real woman in his life. Even Quinn didn't count as she never had his true regard or trust and certainly not his loyalty. But since he and Robin have gotten back together and engaged, all-in now, particularly in the past month with the wedding upon them there have been some definite growing pains. His mom sees Robin as an outsider threatening the family dynamic. He's sure that's why she's so quick to jump at Robin right now. And that's not likely to change any time soon as he starts his married life with her.

Torn over what to do, he seeks out Lily in the lobby and finds Ted too, asking for their advice. Weighing the pros and cons. Mom versus wife versus brother is a harsh position to find yourself in. It's a lose-lose situation. "I just wish there was a way I didn't have to take sides!" He just wants everyone to be one big happy family. Hence, while Lily's droning on, he comes up with a plan of his own. If he can't reason with his family maybe he can talk to Robin again and get her to come around, gently ease her into compromising and cut this thing off at the pass before it gets any worse.

Back in the suite, Robin's been taking on his progressively combative mother in the poker game and in the less than friendly barbs being thrown at her across the table. One thing is clear: Loretta has an issue with her. And while Barney is perfectly right to expect her to make an effort to get along with his family – she expects the same from him too…..if hers ever arrive – back when her dad started putting Barney down when they first met, _she_ didn't just laugh along with him. She immediately let him know such comments were unacceptable. She _made_ her dad knock it off and be nicer to her fiancé. Barney should have done the same thing for her but he didn't.

So when eventually Barney finds her in the bathroom this time, claiming to have a solution that "will make everyone happy", she listens with an open mind to any sort of resolution he's come up with. But, once again, it simply narrows down to his family getting exactly what they want at her expense.

This isn't the first time this issue has come up. In the past weeks, as the wedding grew closer and Barney's shifted alliance became clear, once friendly relations have deteriorated between Loretta and Robin. On a good day, there's a polite tension between them. On a bad day, Loretta displays a passive-aggressiveness that just scarcely qualifies as tolerance.

Robin understands that her presence in Barney's life as his almost-wife has altered the extremely attached mother-son relationship, but that's not _her_ fault. It's great that he's close to his mom; she's always found that sweet. He can still be Loretta's Wuv Wuv, but he's also his own grown man and they need to make a life together apart from his family, or hers, or even their friends. It's the two of them entering into a marriage together and no one else.

But over this last month it's become more and more evident that his mom has drawn a line in the sand over who has command of Barney's heart. Their current mess is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. And each and every time Barney has wheedled his way out without ever coming down firmly on the issue.

Take their real dinner with his mom Barney thought they were going to on the night of his Bro Mitzvah but they actually attended a few days later on the 12th. Loretta had been making it clear for a while that she wanted certain input in the planning of her baby's wedding and it had been difficult trying to walk a line of pleasing her while still getting the things _they_ wanted. Specifically, things started to come to a head when the conversation turned to the rehearsal dinner….

* * *

><p>May 12, 2013<p>

* * *

><p>"Naturally, I need to say a few words," Loretta announces, despite the fact that no one asked her. "Don't worry. No more than fifteen or twenty minutes. <em>Maybe<em> thirty. And then James will want to speak too. And of course there'll be the slideshow of pictures of my little Barn-Barn over the years. That's alright, isn't it?"

Robin shoots Barney a wide-eyed look, but when no response of equal dismay – or anything else – comes from him, she's forced to answer herself. "Well, actually, we were just going to keep it short and simple, with no formal program at all."

"Oh but you _have_ to have the family speak at the rehearsal dinner, dear," Loretta insists with perhaps just a hint of detectable patronizing. "It's what Stinsons always do."

"Yes, but see _my_ family isn't going to say anything." She notices Loretta give Barney a look but she soldiers on. "And I think it will just – "

"I'm sure it'll be okay, Robin," Barney interrupts her appeasingly. "It's only…." He gulps, knowing it's not something he wants to sit through either but he also doesn't want to upset his mother. "….only twenty minutes."

Robin turns to whisper to him beneath her breath, "But what about short and simple and informal? _Like we talked about_," she intones as forcefully as she can through her teeth.

"I know, baby, but it means so much to my mom. Can't we just let her have this?"

* * *

><p>*End Flashback*<p>

* * *

><p>That was the first of many little indulgences over the next couple of weeks. Robin finally drew her own line when Loretta wanted her to sew the Stinson family crest somewhere onto her beautiful, designer bridal gown.<p>

And all the while it was Robin's battle because Barney wouldn't say a word one way or the other, walking a convenient middle line – over the dress at least. With most of the other things it was a repeat of his, "But it's my _mom_. Can't we just be okay with this?".

By May 20th things were already tense and they only got much, much worse when Loretta overheard something she was never meant to hear, stoking her fire of resentment against Robin….

* * *

><p>May 20, 2013<p>

* * *

><p>In the middle of taking an extra-long lunch at home for a little 'afternoon delight', Robin and Barney are naked in bed, already having had sex once then ordered Chinese take-out to enjoy under the covers. They've been talking and joking and enjoying each other's company and are just starting to get around toward Round Two before heading back to their offices when his mother calls. Of course he takes the call – and there goes the next fifteen minutes.<p>

To say that Barney is impatient to get off phone is an understatement. He didn't even want to answer in the first place but he felt like he had to because it's his mom. So he fulfills his obligation and talks to her, but all the while he keeps stroking Robin, teasing her, making sure she doesn't get out of that bed and head back to work yet. Eventually she starts teasing him right back, kissing his neck and doing a little stroking of her own. He tries to spur her on to more than that but she just laughs and whispers, "Not while you're on the phone with your mom."

The whole time Loretta's noticed Barney's preoccupation. She's heard Robin's low giggles mingling with her son's deep laughter and she doesn't like being an afterthought to him, having so little of his focus. She's ready to take that frustration out on the woman who's usurped her, particularly when she hears Robin suggest he hang up on his own mother.

But ultimately Barney is able to tactfully get her to say goodbye, letting the phone fall onto the bed near his pillow in sweet relief. What he fails to realize is that he just scarcely missed hitting 'End', accidently turning up the call volume instead. Unaware that Loretta is still on the line and can hear everything that's happening, he lets out a huge sigh. "Finally! My mom would _not_ stop talking. I couldn't wait to get off the phone and back to you…." Rolling onto his side, he drapes his arm around her waist and leans down over her amorously. "….to this."

"She does still call a lot," Robin replies in her short and sweet attempt at sensitivity; agreeing, but not too much as to sound callous.

"She doesn't understand I don't need our everyday calls anymore. I have you now."

"Ohhh, Barney," she coos seconds before he kisses her.

One kiss leads to another and then some more, and soon he's fondling her beneath the sheets. "_This_ is how I want to spend my Monday afternoon."

Sliding over so she's lying on top, Robin smiles seductively down at him. "You want to spend it like _this_." She shifts her hips up and eases down onto him, beginning their lovemaking to Barney's appreciative moan.

"You _know_ I do." He kisses her enthusiastically, his fingers kneading her bottom in encouragement as she moves against him. "I wish my mom never called. We could've been doing this the whole time."

Robin rises up above him, the covers falling to her waist and affording him a glorious view. "Oh I see what you're interested in….."

"No, I just love you," he maintains.

She laughs because she knows he does but she also knows he's always interested in sex. She starts moving again, swirling and grinding her hips on him. "I know what you love."

Barney pulls her down and into a kiss, rolling them over so now he's on top. "I love having sex with you, but I love _you_ more. And to prove it, we could stop right now and just talk. I'm willing." Robin's breathing is thready, a little sound escaping her throat with each of his movements, and he can tell that _she_ most definitely is not willing. "Wanna stop?" he taunts, shifting into the motion he knows hits her just right every time.

Sure enough, she gasps and her head rolls back on the pillow – all the better for his lips to land at her neck. "_Don't you dare_," is her murmured demand as she tightens her grip on him, joining in his rhythm.

Barney chuckles that low dirty laugh of his – his sex laugh – and it isn't even right what it does to her. "Even if it _was_ just talking," he tells her, his breath growing uneven now too, "you know I'd still rather just talk with you, Robin. Anytime, I'd rather it be you."

And that's what causes Loretta to finally speak up and make her presence known. "Barney….Barn, I'm still on the phone."

They freeze, looking at his phone and then at each other in a panic. Loretta's just heard everything; she's heard them having sex.

Barney is the first to react, grabbing his phone and bringing it cautiously to his ear. "Mom?"

"Yes, Barney. You never ended the call."

"Ha-ha," he laughs uneasily. "What do you know?" He directs the rest to Robin nervously. "I never ended the call and _my_ _mom_ has been listening this whole time." Yet he's still inside of Robin and despite the normally deflating experience of being caught by a parent, more than anything he just wants to continue where they left off regardless of the interruption. "That probably should affect me more than it has," he muses.

"Hm," Robin nods against the pillow. She'd already noticed Lil' Barney's still rearing to go, unaffected by the embarrassing disruption. After another moment, Barney can't take the stillness anymore and bucks against her involuntarily, ready for more.

"Barney," Loretta interjects, "we should talk about what you said and – "

"Okay, mom," he mutters gruffly, cutting her off without even hearing what she's saying. "Sorry. I meant to hang up. I'll talk to you later – on – on Wednesday," he grunts.

"But what about tomorrow, Wuv Wuv? I'm your _mother_; we talk every day."

But all Loretta hears is the click of the phone as Barney makes sure to end the call for real this time.

* * *

><p>*End Flashback*<p>

* * *

><p>And as if that weren't enough, it only went downhill from there come Wednesday, May 22nd, Loretta's birthday. The two of them were supposed to go to a small party Loretta's friends were throwing at her apartment that night. When Robin was still caught up at work another twenty minutes after him, Barney met her at WWN at which point they were then set to drive together to his mom's place. Except Barney was in no hurry to spend the night with his mother's friends. He wanted them to stop in at MacLaren's for drinks beforehand…<p>

* * *

><p>May 22, 2013<p>

* * *

><p>All set to get married in only a few days, drinking at MacLaren's quickly turns nostalgic for them as they talk and reminisce on old times and the long and winding road of their courtship. Barney's having such a good time at the bar with Robin that he completely loses track of time until she looks at her phone and reminds him they're already over an hour late to his mom's party.<p>

In the cab, Barney tries to focus on being a good son but he just can't bring himself to muster up any desire to go spend the evening drinking cosmos with his mom's troupe of girlfriends from the old neighborhood, hearing way more about her sex life than he'd ever like to learn. If he's going to spend the night thinking about wild sexcapades he'd prefer them to be his own…..And Robin looks _amazing_ in that dress.

'Innocently' kissing her neck leads to a hand on her thigh, then all the way up her skirt, his fingers playing with the lace edging of her panties. "I know how you feel about doing it in the back of a cab….but we could stop home first before going to the party," he suggests. "Our apartment's right on the way."

"I want to, Barney, but there isn't time," she answers with real regret. She'd much rather spend the evening at home with him than have another tense interaction with Loretta that always feels like two bull moose marking their territory. But the two of them are likely to catch enough grief as it is for being late. "Your mom's already going to be annoyed with us."

And she was right. But the 'us' is actually just 'her'.

"You're late," Loretta throws the accusation directly to Robin as soon as they walk through the door.

"Sorry, Mom," Barney chimes in. "Robin had to work late."

Robin looks at him incredulously. _That's_ his excuse? She was the one trying to goad him into coming. Her work had nothing to do with it. And if he had his way they'd be at home in bed together right now, though she can't blame him for not wanting to tell his mom that.

"So Robin's work kept you from my party," Loretta coolly observes. "Just like Robin doesn't let you talk on the phone anymore. Things have certainly changed since you brought her into your life."

Barney sees the look on Robin's face – part taken aback, part irritated, and part insulted. Okay, he can see now how that particular lie to get around this appears to be throwing her under the bus, especially when she and his mother are already on rocky ground, so he hurries to correct the blunder. "Mom, it was actually _my_ fault. Even after work we still would've made it here ninety minutes ago if I hadn't wanted to stop at the bar for a drink. You know how it is…." He nudges Loretta, playing on her own fondness for alcoholic beverages.

"Yes," Loretta answers tersely, giving Robin the evil eye. "I know exactly how it is." Obviously Robin is to blame. Barney's only lying to cover for her. He was never late to her birthday before, and he always came to visit her one-on-one during the day even before her party; there was no such visit today. Barney never used to miss a phone call from her either. Now they go days without talking, once even an unthinkable two weeks. Because he has Robin now. He'd rather talk to _Robin_. Heading back to the rest of her guests, she warns her son that she expects to see him in the living room with the others in the next two minutes.

Robin turns to Barney the second they're alone in the entryway. "Did you hear what she said about me? _I_ keep you from talking to her? Aren't you going to say anything at all?"

"I told her it was my fault. She's just kidding around, Robin. It's after ten. She's probably a little drunk."

"Fine," she sighs.

The rest of the party is just as Barney predicted: boring. It hardly seems fair to spend an evening this way when he's already going to have to endure all of his old relatives in Farhampton in a few days. And he doesn't even have Robin to keep him company anymore.

In an effort to restore herself in her future mother-in-law's good graces she offered to start cleaning up for her. Loretta was more than happy to banish her to the kitchen but she insisted Barney stay out with the others. Now, however, he makes a break for it, seeking out his fiancée and finding her sorting dishes in the sink.

"I'm bored. And I missed you. Do you have any idea what I went through without you? It's like an Estroven ad out there! I wish we could've stayed at the bar," he pouts. "Or just gone home. Since we got engaged nothing else can live up to the life we have now anyway, to just spending time with you. And that's totally not a line; I know I'm getting some tonight either way," he grins.

"Oh are you?"

"Mm-hmm," he boldly upholds, throwing her a look so hot and sexy it has her heart picking up right here in his mom's kitchen.

"Okay you are," Robin admits. "And I do know what you mean. I feel the same way. But we did the right thing coming tonight. You know I'm right."

"You are," Barney agrees. "She's my mom. We had to be here for her birthday, but – " He stops short as Robin bends over at the waist to load the dishwasher, her skirt hiking up her thighs and just barely covering her ass. " – but right now I can think of a whole lot more fun things we could be doing…."

That tone of his catches her attention. She's _very_ familiar with that tone. Realizing what he's thinking, she closes the dishwasher door, straightening back up and spinning to face him. "Uh-uh. No. Not happening at your mom's place."

Barney laughs. "I wasn't gonna say that."

"Sure you weren't."

"No, this actually reminds me of this awesome video I saw." He pulls out his phone and scrolls to the link. Hooking an arm around her waist to gather her to his side, his free hand glides down over her hip as he shows her the Youtube video of a small Pomeranian balancing on its hind legs with its front paws on an open dishwasher door, looking ready to climb in when another dog comes up and starts humping her from behind. "_Right_?" he nods.

Robin shakes her head, giggling despite herself at his predictable reaction. "You're an idiot." He just keeps holding up the phone and guffawing as the male dog continues to go to town. "Gimmie that," she says, snatching his phone away. She's turning off the video just as Barney makes a dive for the phone but she holds it out of reach.

Challenge accepted, he pins her against the kitchen counter until, laughing hysterically, she surrenders – the video's already off anyway, which was her entire point. Tucking his phone back into his pocket, she leans in for a kiss, then another, winding her arms around his shoulders and drawing him closer.

"We could be at home making our own video right now," he murmurs, running his hand down the length of her arm and shoulder to her waist. "This is the last time I listen to you about blowing off a party."

"Barney," a sharp voice carries across the kitchen.

His focus had been so entirely on Robin it takes him a half-second to switch gears. "Yeah, Mom?"

"I came to see where you'd run off to on your mother's birthday."

Remembering what he just said about wishing he could have blown off her party, he asks regretfully, "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to hear Robin didn't want to come to my birthday." Her son has a weakness, and Loretta knows exactly how Robin's controlling him.

"_What_?" Robin protests indignantly. How did Loretta get _that_ out of what Barney just said?

"No," Barney jumps in. "Mom, no. Of course Robin wanted to come." He can't come out and admit _he_ was the one who wanted to skip out, so instead he tries, "I was talking about a _different_ party. Yeah. You just – you don't know what you're hearing." He laughs anxiously. "Let's get rid of this!" he says overexcitedly, snatching the margarita glass out of her hand. "Had a few too many, huh, Mom?"

* * *

><p>*End Flashback*<p>

* * *

><p>Not surprisingly, Barney's continued efforts at say-nothing-and-upset-no-one diplomacy failed. The next morning went a little something like this…..<p>

* * *

><p>May 23, 2013<p>

* * *

><p>Getting ready for work, Robin hears Barney's phone ring on their bed and bends down to answer it.<p>

"Is Robin home?" his mom immediately questions, thinking she's getting Barney.

"Oh, hi, Loretta. Barney's in the shower right now, but – "

"I'll call back," is hissed at her, then dead air.

Robin blinks, setting the phone back down. His mom won't even talk to her now.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>While Robin knows Barney wasn't the direct cause of any of those problems, he's done very little to help the situation either. In trying to please everyone he's pleased no one, but that goes along with his tendency to see his family through rose-colored glasses and be very defensive of them even when they don't deserve it. That's an endearing quality most of the time. She just wishes he would stick up for <em>her<em> more often. Things are only getting worse and they have a whole weekend to get through. Knowing how much he cherishes his family, she's tried to get along but things have crossed a line now and she's not holding it in any longer.

It may very well be another Lily/Judy situation brewing here. Her relationship with Loretta might always be less than friendly, in which case Barney's going to have to learn to take up for her at least some of the time – and now she's finally going to say as much. "So your plan is you do absolutely nothing to get your fiancée's back?"

Barney opens his mouth to speak to that but he doesn't know exactly how to say what he wants to say. It's not that he doesn't have her back, but sometimes with family you have to put up with things you may not always like or agree with because they're your blood and you have to stick together. It's something he can't say to Robin because she has a tenuous relationship with her family at best and has at times completely cut them out of her life. Not that he blames her, all things considered, but since she's never had that kind of close, nurturing relationship she doesn't quite understand the bond.

Robin doesn't give him a chance to explain anyway because she's got a plan of her own now. She does it out of spite and anger – at James's rude comments; at Loretta's behavior, not just today but over the past weeks; even a bit at Barney for failing to do a thing to defend her and instead taking his mother's side yet again. It may not be her finest hour but at least she has her fair retribution. If no one else is going to stand up for her then she'll just defend herself.

Barney can hardly believe this turn of events as his mother sits in her black bra at the poker table, taking what's left of her dignity and walking out of the room. And all at Robin's hand. He understands where she's coming from, he does, but there are times when you have to swallow your annoyance and endure a host of things you may not like for the overall good of the family unit. You can't lash out at them and cause even greater trouble yourself – and taking the shirt right off his mom's back, her _favorite_ shirt, certainly qualifies. It's only made things worse. He loves Robin with all his heart, but she's frankly carried this thing too far.

After Loretta leaves, Barney starts going on about how she has to give her shirt back, cataloguing the hows and whys of his mom's love for the blouse, but Robin is fed up with hearing all the reasons they should make concessions to his family. "Nope, not happening."

Then he commands her to do it, which opens up a whole new can of worms. Robin's gut reaction is fuming; oh no he did _not_ just call her "woman" and order her to do something. Barney instantly wants to eat his words and actually knows real fear – for both their relationship and his own bodily harm; Robin's gonna kill him.

Standing up, she asks him if he wants to take it back – the implication being 'for your own good' – but when she looks up at him for the first time she can see he's contrite and repentant for momentarily slipping into his old sexist habits so she's able to let that part go. But she still can't understand why he's getting so riled up about this and won't see her side at all. "Why is this so important to you?"

"Because it's my _family_," he replies as if it were a given, his tone even conveying an edge of slight annoyance that she messed with them in the first place.

And that's what gets Robin, because isn't _she_ his family too? Isn't that what they're doing here, getting married? "I just – I want to feel like you're on my side once in a while, that's all." She understands the importance of family. She wanted Barney to go to extremes to seek her dad's approval too. Sometimes you _do_ have to make allowances for family, but she doesn't want to always be coming out on the losing end. She doesn't want to feel like she's second to anyone, not even his mother and brother. "Look, I'm gonna be your wife for god's sake." That makes her every bit as much his family. It's a title and place in his life that ought to give her clout and afford her some respect.

But she's tired of fighting this particular battle so she gives the stuff back to Barney, washing her hands of this even though she knows he's just going to side with them. The whole thing just feels a bit like beating her head against a wall trying to go up against the Stinson dynamic, which apparently none of them – perhaps even her fiancé – view her as being a part of.

As Robin hands him the ring and blouse, telling him to do what he wants, Barney knows she's not happy with him but it's a matter of making things right. These are his brother's and mom's prized possessions and whatever else is going on between his fiancée and family at least he can correct this immediate drama.

When he gets to James's room to give him his wedding ring back what he gets, however, is a much-needed eye-opening experience.

His brother espouses sentiments like "I'm glad you came to your senses" in choosing him over Robin, and "You can't let being married keep you from being you". Barney's able to read right through it to pick out that what James really means is you should just go on living selfishly, exactly as _you_ see fit.

His brother further glorifies his habitual behavior of inconsiderately leaving Tom behind with their two young kids while he heads out to the gym for countless hours twice a day to keep his body in shape "in case I'm ever single again" – which he apparently says right to Tom all the time.

It hits Barney in that moment that, family or no family, James is the problem here. _James_ is the one who's wrong. He's been sticking up for him, feeling sorry for him, but it's actually James's own behavior that created this, _all_ of this – with Robin today and in his own relationship. Never spending time together, making thoughtlessly insensitive jokes at best and plans to break up one day at worst. It's no wonder his marriage fell apart.

He never wants to treat Robin with such little regard or ever fall into the same mistake of never having his wife's back the way that James clearly didn't have Tom's. This is exactly what Lily must have meant: _Choose your wife. You always choose your wife. In marriage, being right is less important than being supportive._

He and Robin are part of a team now. And he _wants_ that. He wants their team, not to be the guy by himself at the gym, the guy who's only looking out for his own interests and at the end of the day is all alone. No matter how important anything else is to him, Robin is his only teammate, his wife, the love of his life, and that means he _always_ backs her. They might not always agree, but they always need to be supportive of each other.

And that starts right now. Because Robin is absolutely right; James doesn't deserve this ring back. But that alone is not enough. He loves Robin. He will always be on her side and he feels that so strongly now, the need to prove it, to _make_ them respect that. That includes his mom too when she comes into the room. His family has to understand and accept that Robin is just as important in his life as they are, even more so. Robin is _number one_ in his life now, and if it comes down to it he _will_ support her over them.

With that out of the way, Barney returns to the bridal suite, sighing heavily as he comes through the door because he knows he was wrong all along. "So I went to give James his ring back," he starts out, hurrying right over to Robin's side, determined to make her see that he gets it now and won't make that mistake again. "And what I discovered is James is kind of a mess. I was feeling for him, thinking I should laugh along with his jokes because his marriage just fell apart and he's hurting. But from what he told me, it sounds like it's his own fault. It turns out he didn't treat Tom very well, constantly putting himself and what he wanted first – just selfish, careless behavior." He relays to her exactly what James said and his own dismayed reaction to hearing it. "I don't ever want to be like that. I want to see your side all the time, because your side is my side too. I love you and we're a team now, Robin." He holds James's ring up, presenting it back to her and vowing, "I am _always_ gonna have your back. No matter what."

"Thank you," Robin manages, incredibly touched by the gesture. She doesn't even want the ring; she'll return it to James later. But Barney bringing it back to her this way is a symbol of what she's wanted all along: him on her side, supporting her. She's so very happy to see he understands that now and wants to give it to her 1000%. "I love you."

"I love you too," he smiles, pulling her into a kiss. Her arms are just looping around his neck for more when he remembers the rest he has to tell her – what he considers the best part. Overflowing with excitement, near giddy, so sure he's done well and she'll be ecstatically thrilled with him, Barney tells her how he just renounced his family.

_Now that I've got Robin, we are not brothers anymore_. She listens in horror as he repeats what he said to James, thinking that ought to go over _really_ well – along with the description of how he would coldly let James die to save her. Worst of all is _This mother/son thing, it's over….I've got a wife now so you mean NOTHING to me!, _hand-in-hand with the additional announcement that he's no longer coming over to visit her, not even on holidays, a particular point of contention with Loretta. And all of this change and enlightenment has come "because Robin said so."

Loretta already blames her for the shift in Barney's priorities. Now they'll both truly resent her. "On my god," she cries. She feels like she's hyperventilating. Sinking down onto the bench at the foot of the bed, she drops her head between her legs in a calming technique. She doesn't even notice when Barney gets naked behind her and slips beneath the covers.

But then Barney is equally oblivious. He grins at her 'Oh my god', believing it's out of joy, and proclaims himself fiancé of the year. "I think I know what's next," he grins suggestively, patting the bed beside him, genuinely expecting her to be delighted and that delight to segue into lovemaking to celebrate his new outlook.

Robin barely hears him though, still in the depths of her freak-out. "Oh god. I can't leave this room for the rest of the weekend!"

Observing her body language now that he's not so preoccupied getting his own body naked, it's clear that he screwed up somewhere along the line. He can see now that she's obviously upset and he tries to lighten things with, "I'm sure we can find _something_ to do, eh?", pointing beneath the covers. But she's in no mood for a joke. "Okay, look, Robin," he continues seriously now, "just calm down. It'll all be fine."

"No, it won't be. Barney, can't you see why this is bad? You _disowned_ your family. You screamed at them. You broke pottery!" Robin explains, still visibly distressed.

"Maybe I went a little overboard," he acknowledges, "but I had to be sure they understood."

"You said it was all because of _me_. They're going to hate me now. You put the blame on me, like I made you do this, but it's not what I asked for."

"I wasn't trying to _blame_ it on you," he clarifies. "I only meant I was doing this _for_ you. You're going to be my wife now, and what my wife wants she gets _because_ she's my wife and that entitles you to my automatic support, always."

Robin sighs, climbing onto the bed with him. "That's nice, Barney. It really is. But what are we going to do about this now? This is awful."

"It's not," he promises, setting his hand on her arm reassuringly. "Just give her back the shirt and go make nice. I'm sure she'll think nothing of it. And if she's still upset I'll go explain it to her and smooth things over, okay?"

She expels a frustrated puff of air. "Sure, after the damage is done _I_ have to deal with it." Now she'll have to swallow her pride and go make nice with Loretta after the icy treatment she's received – and all she wanted to begin with was for James to stop crapping all over marriage hours before she and Barney were set to get married themselves. She doesn't think that was asking too much. But Barney looks a little hurt at her comment and she straightaway regrets it.

"I'm sorry, Robin. I was only trying to help, to support you. I thought that's what you wanted. I guess I just can't get it right."

And now she feels even guiltier. The truth is he did make a mess of things, blowing this whole thing out of proportion and making it far worse, but she thinks back on the look on his face when he was first telling her. He was so proud of himself, clueless as to the issue here. It reminds her of when little Marvin's eating at his highchair, making a soggy mess of his Cherrios – dragging them through his apple sauce, gnawing on a few before spitting them out – and then he offers you one and it's disgusting but he thinks it's a _good_ thing and he's so pleased and it's such an obviously meaningful gesture to him that you accept it anyway, no matter how horrifying it is, because of the love and adoration behind it.

Robin smiles softly at her fiancé. "You really thought you were doing a great thing for me, didn't you?"

"I just – I wanted them to know you're the most important thing in my life now. You _are_ my life now," he tells her. "I wanted to shout it to the world and show them all in no uncertain terms, beginning with the people who ganged up against you and tried to come between us."

"Barney," she warmly replies, taking his hand, "all I wanted was for you to have my back and stand up for me. And you did. In the most extreme way possible. You literally couldn't have supported me more. You _did_ get that part right; you got it spot-on. I mean it went horribly awry but….thank you. That _was_ what I wanted." She bends down to kiss him tenderly. Shifting on the bed so she's in front of him, she deepens the kiss, turning it sexy now as she slips out of her blazer.

"Do I know what's coming next?" Barney asks hopefully, wanting to make sure this time.

"We are," she smirks. "Get over here, you idiot. _My_ idiot." She leans down to bring her mouth back to his but he's already met her halfway, pushing up off his elbow to a full seated position as he kisses her. Still thinking about it, she laughs between kisses, shaking her head. "….Telling your whole family they're dead to you."

"Only you make me feel alive." He begins unbuttoning her shirt and she moves to straddle him. "And this isn't just slipping in one last bang, Robin. It's another one of many," he guarantees, peeling off her blouse and throwing it onto the floor with his clothes.

"You did such a sweet thing, Barney." She moves up onto her knees, nibbling his ear lobe and then running her tongue over the shell of his ear. "And Sweet Barney always promptly gets laid. Just remember that."

"Yeah?" Barney smiles, unhooking her bra.

"Definitely. It's an instant lady boner….Now it's gonna be _me_ down on all fours," Robin references Lily's earlier words. "And I'll leave the heels on," she whispers to him.

He groans softly, unfastening her pants. "And I'll slip off your panties."

"Just don't freeze on me like Marshpillow."

"There's gonna be plenty of movement, don't you worry." He hums lustfully as he eases her jeans down her hips. "We might just break the bed."

* * *

><p>Afterwards, Robin gets dressed and goes down to the bar to find Loretta and return her blouse. She hands it back to her contritely, nervously wallowing at her feet and asking her for any way to forget about all this and at least go back to politeness again.<p>

But Loretta's having none of it. "You won the battle but _I'll_ win the war."

Robin blinks rapidly. She sees what this is now and it's been a long time coming. Loretta wants her little Wuv Wuv back and resents any other woman owning his heart. But Robin's not about to go quietly into the night. Just like she wouldn't let strippers steal Barney away when she thought that was his reaction to James's divorce, she won't let his mother do so either. _No one_ is taking Barney away from her, ever. "Game on, bitch," she responds, giving her future mother-in-law a look that lets her know she means business before striding out of the bar.

Walking back to their suite, Robin feels combative, pissed off, tense, and anxious all at once. This isn't a fight she wanted to have, and certainly not on the eve of their wedding, but she's not about to let Loretta call her out, claiming Barney belongs to her and always will if she has anything to say about it.

She opens the door to their room and Barney turns from his place beside the bed. "So how'd it go?"

"Not great," she reveals sardonically.

He gestures down to his mom's sequined blouse in her hands. "Why do you still have her shirt?"

"She told me to keep it. As my consolation prize."

"What?"

Robin shakes her head acrimoniously. "She says I may have won the battle but she'll win the war for you."

"_Uhhh_, you've gotta be kidding me," Barney whines.

"Nope."

"Well you know that's not true, right?" he asks, holding her gaze. "No one's going to 'win' me away from you."

"This is your _mom_, Barney. You used to talk to her every day."

"Yeah. _Used_ to. Now I have you. Hey…." He catches her hand when she still looks upset. "I mean it."

"I know." She sighs, sliding her fingers through his. "I know you do. But – ugh – I really don't want to fight with your mom over who you love best. Though, as a woman, she should know I have the upper hand. She loves to tell everyone how long she nursed you, but _this_," Robin boldly declares, indicating her own breasts, "is where you play now." Barney chuckles appreciatively, giving them a onceover even as she speaks. Her voice drops an octave, low and silky, as she asserts, "I have ways of winning that'll blow her out of the water."

"Feel free to use a few right now," he quips. When she rolls her eyes, he pulls her close. "Seriously, Robin, this will all blow over. I promise. And if it doesn't I'll go talk to her myself. Nothing is going to ruin our weekend, okay?"

Letting a measure of her anger go, she really looks at him for the first time and notices he's only wearing his black boxer briefs….and he looks absolutely yummy. "Why aren't you dressed yet? What were you doing while I was gone?"

"Unpacking. I hung up my suits and your dresses."

This additional considerate thing he's done for her while she was off dealing with his angry mother warms her heart. Barney is undoubtedly her one place of sweetness in this turmoil. "Awww, thanks baby." She kisses his lips and before long his hands move up to where he plays now. "Mm, that feels fantastic," she sighs, pressing further into his palms. Unfortunately they have other obligations at the moment. "But we both have to jump in the shower and change for dinner."

Barney pouts but releases her. "Okay."

"And remember, our minister is going to be there so we want to make a good impression."

"Right," he nods solemnly. "We wouldn't want to be late."

"No."

"…..So maybe it's best if we take a shower _together_," Barney finagles. "You know, cut down on time that way.

Robin laughs at the puppy dog eyes he's giving her. "Go start the water," she allows, pushing him toward the bathroom. "This is a slightly more complicated outfit than my comfy pajamas so I'll be naked in _twenty_ seconds flat."

"Here, let me help….."


	54. 906

**Knight Vision**

* * *

><p>Yesterday<p>

* * *

><p>It's the day before they leave for Farhampton and there's a feeling of euphoric – if slightly nervous – excitement in the air. The pre-wedding flowers Barney sent to Robin already arrived at the apartment earlier in the day and still sit on the counter in a place of honor while after a last abbreviated day at work the two returned home to enjoy lunch together.<p>

Throwing out their empty sushi containers, Barney enlightens Robin on the epiphany he's had. "I've been thinking; we have to find Ted a girl for our wedding." After Ted's disturbing fixation with their wedding planning and then the MacLaren's and carousel incidents, it seems like the best idea to focus his interest elsewhere since he always gets like this when he's alone but not when he has a new girl to dote on. "Otherwise it's going to be an entire weekend of lonely tears and dejected 'self-fives' – if you know what I'm sayin' – under the covers at night. And probably during the day too, cause what else is he gonna have to do?"

"That might not be a bad idea," Robin muses from her place on the couch. "It's been months since Ted's had a date. But we can't leave him up to his own devises or he'll end up with someone just as crazy as Jeanette."

Barney's eyes light up. "Exactly." She took the words right out of his mouth and is already halfway to his brilliant plan. "Which is why we have to handpick the girl for him so we're not victims to any more unbalanced girlfriend situations."

"We're going to have enough relative drama this weekend," she agrees. "Ted relationship drama is the last thing we need."

Crossing back into the living room, he bends to pick up his iPad from the coffee table. "I've already kicked off the slideshow with – "

"You started without me?" she asks with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"I'm telling you now," he shrugs, sitting back down beside her, distracted with turning on the tablet.

Robin frowns for half a second, then it's gone and she's snatching the iPad from his hands. "Let me see."

"All I've got so far is Cassie," he tells her, swiping a finger across the screen and pulling up her picture.

"She's pretty," Robin remarks. "I'd say a nine."

Barney knows enough to refrain from offering his own opinion; besides, they grew up together in the old neighborhood and Cassie feels almost like a cousin. "A little out of Ted's league, I know, but we'll give him a shoot. Plus I've got the inside track. You know my mom's friend Rita?"

"From her birthday party?"

"Yeah. Cassie's her daughter. Used to be a gymnast so we know she's mad flexible."

"Used to be?" Robin questions, waiting for the catch.

Barney has that cat that ate the canary grin. "She had to quit when her boobs got too big and threw off her balance."

"Well there you go," Robin quips. Thinking along those same lines, another candidate pops into her head. "Hey, what about your new secretary?"

"Grace?" he ponders.

"She's young and blonde and perky, looks like she's up for anything. At the GNB Christmas party that girl had desperate written all over her. She's perfect for Ted." Barney looks over at her, grinning. "You know what I mean," she tries to back her way out of calling Ted desperate. "Because….because they're both looking and – and – just please don't tell Ted I said that."

Barney snickers softly. "No, desperate is perfect for Ted. Or maybe just easy."

Robin quirks her head, acknowledging the truth of that. "But _not_ psycho." She is not about to deal with another white dress at _her_ wedding threat.

"Which is exactly why we have to head him off before he does anything stupid. Every weekend wedding hook-up is decided at Friday night drinks. I have a name for it."

"Of course you do," she says, making Barney's grin expand.

"It's called the Indiana Jones Effect. You know how in _The Last Crusade_ where there's that cool knight dude who tells them if they've chosen wisely or poorly? Well picking a girl to get your rocks off with is exactly like that, especially at a confined weekend setup with a finite number of people."

"Whoever Ted ends up with Friday night he'll be stuck with until the end of the wedding," Robin paraphrases, picking out the key and very shrewd point of his speech. That's the thing about Barney. At first glance people think he's just eccentric and silly with his theories and his scales and his plays, but they're actually very cleverly crafted, incredibly intelligent, and grounded in irrefutable wisdom.

"Precisely." He gives her the on-the-nose gesture. "The Indiana Jones Effect," he repeats. "It's a thing. I think I'm gonna add it to my blog!"

"….Remember when Ted first got the job at Columbia," Robin asks, off on her own tangent, "and he kept going on about how it will be so easy to get laid now because women think professors are sexy?"

"Yeah," Barney scoffs, "and that's worked really well for him."

"That's because he's gone about it all wrong. You guys had it right with your gift to him. Forget tweed. Indiana Jones," she sighs, picturing a young Harrison Ford in full explorer getup. "Now that's the hot and sexy professor look."

Barney smirks because he knows her so well. "Funny you should say that. I _was_ saving this to debut in Belize, but why not break it in a few days early? Just a sec."

He disappears into their bedroom for a few minutes and Robin doesn't know what to expect. They have fairly regular role playing nights that utilize various accessories, toys, and costumes, a few of which they've brought along for their honeymoon – or sexcation as Barney prefers to call it. He's introduced her to gadgets she never even knew existed but now she appreciates why they do. They can get pretty wild and kinky so it's anyone's guess what he might bring out to show her.

When he comes back into the room, it's not a new sex toy or Japanese wheel he has for them to try but a new costume – a full Indiana Jones costume. He's got it all: the brown fedora and leather jacket, brown leather belt and boots, and a matching leather satchel strapped over his shoulder. Underneath, he's wearing a pale blue shirt with no tie, just left open at the neck – very open – with the first two buttons undone allowing a glimpse of sculpted chest. Robin is in a word mesmerized. Combining her two fetishes – that for Indiana Jones and for Barney – is unspeakably hot. "I can work with _this_….We're in the rainforest of Belize," she gives him the set-up, "and we've just fought our way out of a cave surrounded by ruthless rival treasure hunters."

"But with the priceless gold artifact safely in tact in my satchel," Barney puts in.

"And to celebrate we're about to have our way with each other out in the open jungle."

"With the native palms overhead as our canopy and nothing but the toucans and macaws to watch us go to town on each other….and maybe there's a waterfall next to us too."

Looking him lustfully over from head to toe, she asks, "Do you have the – "

Before she can finish, he brings the brown whip out from behind his back with a grin.

She doesn't answer, doesn't say a word, just grabs him by his open shirt and tugs him toward the bedroom.

* * *

><p>A half an hour later, the two lie there winded – Barney on his stomach with his foot hanging off the bed and his head turned to face her on the pillow, Robin on her back beside him with the covers haphazardly strewn low across their hips, his fedora covering her breasts and her one wrist still bound to the headboard with his whip.<p>

Boneless, relaxed, and completely satisfied, she delightedly gasps, "That was…."

"_Yeah_," he grins lecherously, his heart rate only just returning to normal.

Still catching her breath, she laughs low and sated. "We have got to thank your Costume Guy….You _are_ packing this right?"

Barney props up on his elbow. "Absolutely. And you've got the – "

"The denim jacket is already in my suitcase." Robin smiles as he hums his delight. Sparkles is still his favorite fetish.

Leaning over, he reaches up to free her wrist and then his hand settles against the soft skin of her waist as his eyes drift down to the fedora. "Time for Indy to go exploring…." She'd been so wild and eager for it that there hadn't been the time or opportunity for leisurely kissing and touching. Quick and to the point is satisfying and fun; this last time had been _mind-blowing_. It used to be his preferred method even – get it in, get it done, get it out and send her home – but with Robin sometimes he likes to draw it out and take his time with her, loving every inch of her body. Removing the hat, he tosses it aside to bare her breasts to his hungry eyes. "...Starting in the Scherbatsky Hills."

"Really?" she teases. "That's what you're going with?"

Barney leers down at her. "Judging by the sounds you were making, you couldn't get enough of me exploring your lower cavern."

"Please don't call it a cavern."

He lets out a low, dirty chuckle. "Cave? Grotto? Cavity?"

"No, just – no. None of that."

"I was going with the archeologist imagery, but fine; Kitty it is….I wasn't joking about the sounds you made though. _God_, I love the sounds you make."

Robin smirks at that, at his sheer level of enthusiasm. "You are so easy. A little: Mmmm, oh, ooooh, yes, give it to me, B-nasty. Give it to me! YES! More, harder – " Before she can even finish her display meant to mock men, she feels Lil' Barney twitch against her thigh. "You _are_ easy," she giggles in amusement. "I was only getting warmed up."

"And it's even hotter when it's real," he winks.

He immediately spots the teasing glint in her eyes as she counters with, "How do you know it was – "

"Please. It was real. You're pretty easy too, you know," he retorts. "A few well-placed touches…." He rubs his hands together to warm them and then moves one toward her breast, the other traveling down her belly when she interrupts him.

"That reminds me! I've got the perfect girl for Ted: my old college roommate. Every time she had sex it sounded like a 90s car alarm going off."

"Hmm," he contemplates. "I like your sounds better, but it does show a certain gusto. Although if it was _you_ making those sounds at least we'd know that's one alarm that ain't gonna be stopping all night."

"Until the early sunlight – hey-oh!" Robin rhymes and the two slap a spontaneous five. "I'm going to get your tablet and add Sophia to the list."

She starts to sit up and Barney protests, "Ladies….," reaching out to caress her breasts just as they move out of reach. But he gets up after her anyway, slipping back into his boxer briefs while she belts her robe.

"We _should_ be writing our vows right now," Robin says over her shoulder as they walk back out into the living room.

"Ah, off the cuff is better. Besides, you've already got a great start." He snakes an arm around her waist, drawing her back against him. "Just say what you did earlier. 'Give it to me harder' is the most beautiful wedding vow I've ever heard."

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>And that's how they end up executing their plan now, Friday night at nine o'clock in Farhampton. They've both changed for dinner, a white dress for the bride with black piping to match Barney's suit – and it's not just any dress but a formfitting second-skin that hugs her every curve.<p>

"We look like the _hottest_ couple," he says approvingly, his fingers dancing over her bare skin at the back of her dress as he gives them one last appreciative look in the mirror before they leave the suite together.

"We do put other couples to shame." She shoots him a cocky grin as they walk out into the hallway. "But remember, we're not supposed to look sexy and hot for each other tonight. We're trying to convey sweet and loving."

"Well we _are_ that too," he replies, pulling her into a kiss.

She returns the kiss but ends it quickly. "Mm, but emphasis on the sweet, not the sexy. We have to behave ourselves this time." He gives her a look and she capitulates. "At least while Reverend Lowell's here."

Barney laughs, taking her hand. "We can do sweet and loving, Robin. It's easy; I love you and I can't wait to marry you, even if there was no wedding night."

"Of course that would make our first dance a lot more awkward when I'm compelled to dry hump you in front of friends and family out of sheer sexual frustration," she retorts, shooting him a sassy glance.

"See, _this_ is why you're the only girl for me."

He's about to say something further when Robin suddenly remembers, "Oh, I forgot my purse." She slips her hand into his inner coat pocket, withdrawing the room key. "I'll run back and get it. You go ahead to the bar and stop Ted before he does anything we'll all regret."

When Robin finds her fiancé a few minutes later he's mid-explanation of The Indiana Jones Effect. In this particular example Barney is giving, once he as Indy chooses wisely a guitar is thrown at him – just like in his retelling of the Stinson Curse – and bikini-clad 60s beach girls appear out nowhere to go-go in the background while he jams out. Robin grabs herself a drink and turns around just in time to see him demonstrating a little air guitar in the bar of the Farhampton Inn. _This_ is why he's the only guy for her, and she smiles at him adoringly.

But they're not taking any chances so it's right into their slideshow as the two of them push Sophia since she's the first one here, the thought being it's best to secure Ted a woman as quickly as possible.

Barney explains that Sophia's a bit of a screamer in the sack and Robin gives a helpful impression. It's not as good as the personal one she gave him yesterday, imitating her own sex sounds, but he's tickled by it nonetheless. "I recommend Sophia. I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her," he proclaims, an inside joke with Robin matching their previous rhyming Sophia-based rejoinder, and without looking he raises his hand for a repeat high-five that Robin easily anticipates and reciprocates, both giving a little laugh. But as it turns out Ted wants Cassie and Barney figures, _whatever_. As long as Ted gets himself one of the girls, it doesn't really matter to him.

As Ted takes Cassie off for a more private drink at one of the tables, Robin slides into a chair and Barney leans against the bar at her side so they can both eye Ted's progress and thus the progress of their plan. "How do you think he's doing?" Robin asks.

"Knowing Ted, he's just gotten past the introductions. You've gotta give him a little time. In two minutes he'll be quoting Pablo Neruda. Another five and he'll be telling her he loves her. Then maybe by the end of the night he can get around to trying for a kiss."

"I don't know, Barney," Lily puts in her two cents, having joined the pair and now eager to get in on the action. "My money's on Ted. After all, he did end up nailing your sister pretty quickly."

"That was on the third date!" Barney insists in outrage.

"Actually, Lily might be right, Barney." Affronted, he looks down at Robin and she shakes her head, amused. "Not about Carly. About Ted scoring quicker than you think." She nods over to Cassie. "She's giving him all the signals."

Barney looks to Cassie to study her body language but then Robin grabs his elbow. "Hey, there's our minister," she warns him. She gets up quickly and they both nervously adjust their clothes, making sure they look straight and tidy and wholesome.

Even Lily agrees he's a scary, mean ol' tool. Still, she claims she can get him to come around. It's a fool's errand but at least Robin knows enough to take the drink from her hands. Reverend Lowell would definitely not approve of that; she has firsthand knowledge straight from the source.

While Lily's making what will most surely be a failed effort at charming the Reverend, Robin and Barney sit back and watch Ted again. And it appears Robin was correct. Ted seems to be doing quite well. He and Cassie are already kissing and it looks like after only ten minutes they're ready to leave together – and in a hotel, kissing like that, there's only one place left to go: back to Ted's room. But then Cassie's phone starts ringing and he waves her off, telling her to answer it.

"_Oh_," Barney groans in disappointment. "He should know better than that. Has he learned nothing from my teachings over the years?"

Robin gives him a look of sympathy for his underappreciated wisdom. "You never answer the phone," she agrees. "It always ruins the moment." Again, they both have firsthand experience with that topic. "That's the nail in the coffin right there. A guarantee of two more days of 'self-fives'." And she's right. Soon Cassie's weeping hysterically on his shoulder. "See. Ted chose poorly. He's blown it already. Which is exactly why there won't be any blowing it for him tonight," she finishes with a grin, raising her hand in the air.

Barney laughs. "Okay, that was pretty solid." He gives her hand the respect that it deserves in a high five. "But he might still have a chance," he adds for his bro's sake. "Even someone as lame as Ted can fairly easily get Crying Drunk Chick from bent over his shoulder to bent over the duvet while he – "

"No way," Robin shakes her head. "Ted is not a closer. He'll be up holding her hand all night and nothing more."

"Maybe not. He – oh who am I kidding?" Barney gives up.

Robin draws his attention back to the hapless pair, pointing at the unfolding scene. "Just look at how awkward he – "

"Hi, hi, hi, um, so a little problem," Lily interrupts. Their minister hates her after she told him the story of how she and Marshall met, and for the live of her she can't understand what she did wrong.

Barney looks to Robin who stares steadfastly at the floor. They both know exactly why the Reverend has a problem with that story. But it's not Lily he hates; it'll be _them_, because he must have figured out their deception.

It only takes Lily half a second to decipher their cagey behavior. "What did _you_ do wrong?"

Barney and Robin exchange a look, silently agreeing to come clean to Lily. This was all an accident anyway, an unfortunate circumstance that snowballed beyond their control. How were they supposed to know the guy would be such a stick in the mud? And they _really_ needed him to marry them so they could use his church; it's the only way he lets couples utilize the building. They both fell in love with the quaint little church after Ted recommended it and they took a trip up themselves back in January. It truly does have cute coming out the wazoo. Everything was all set until recently when Reverend Lowell asked to meet with them personally before the ceremony. Neither one had any idea what they were up against….

* * *

><p>Two Weeks Ago<p>

* * *

><p>Barney and Robin set out to Farhampton dressed to impress, wanting to make a good first impression, wanting their minister to think they're a great couple that he'll feel proud to marry. They're sure he must have requested to meet with them just to get a feel of who they are and discuss the overall tone of the ceremony – what specifics they want included, traditional or modern service, that sort of thing.<p>

But it's a long ride to Farhampton pressed up tight against each other in the back of a town car, and 'dressed to impress' means they both look amazing. It's no wonder neither can resist getting a little handsy with each other on the two hour drive over, but they have to stop when they catch Ranjit watching them in the rearview mirror.

Once they arrive at the church, they're shown to the minister's private office and then left to wait behind closed doors.

Pausing in looking around the office, Robin turns to Barney the moment they're alone. "Just think; this is where we're going to get married in only a few weeks."

He nods, grinning devilishly. "This is where we'll _consummate_ our marriage. They even have beds!" He catches her by the bookshelf behind the desk, stepping closer and bending to bring his lips to her neck. And it's only a few seconds before he starts getting handsy again. She's _killing_ him in that dress with her bare shoulders, those peekaboo cutouts of the soft tanned skin of her back and cleavage, and the slit high up her thigh. "Let's do it," he suggests eagerly. "Here. Right now."

She can't deny she wants to. They've just had two hours of foreplay after all. And there's something deliciously naughty about the very thought of it….But still, it's a crazy idea. "Barney, our _minister_ is coming."

"They said he was running ten minutes late," he reminds her. "That's enough time if you know what you're doing – and we _know_ what we're doing."

His mouth is busying at her neck again, coaxing her expertly, and when he feels her starting to cave and surrender to it, he brings his lips to hers, kissing her properly as he urges her back against the desk, using the leverage of a solid object to make sure their bodies are in constant, full contact.

All Robin wants is to press up against him while he kisses her senseless, while their magic sweeps them away into toe-curling bliss. They do have ten minutes; they can work with ten minutes. Her body decides for her and soon she's sliding up onto the edge of the desk, her hands gliding beneath Barney's jacket to grasp the waist of his pants and tug him between her legs, her knees gripping his hips. "This is insane," she breathes. "This is so wrong."

He moves his hand up her bare thigh, stroking her through the slit that's been driving him crazy the entire morning. "You mean it feels so right, when we want each other this way…." His mouth lands on her throat where he bites her lightly, drawing a soft sound of pleasure. "….want each other so much we can't even take the time to undress – only the most necessary parts."

"Speaking of…." She unfastens his belt, pulling down his zipper with one hand and reaching up around his neck with the other to bring his mouth to hers.

Then she's leaning back urgently to rest her spine flat against the desk – upending the phone and paper organizer which go clattering to the ground unheeded – and he's pushing the fabric of her underwear aside, playing there long enough to make her breath come quick, to leave her gasping and moaning, impatient. And then he's inside her….on the desk of the minister who's supposed to marry them and who could show up in his office at any minute.

Barney is bent down over her with his lips against her neck, hot and hungry. He has a hand at her hip, his thumb still stroking her intimately, while the other hand fondles her breast, and she's a little firecracker – pulling at him insistently, writhing beneath him. He was always so right about her and the danger of being found in flagrante. "Imagine if he walked in and caught us right now," he murmurs seductively, his voice low and sleek and sex-heavy, "with me eight inches inside of you. No, six. Mm, now eight. Four. _Uhhh_…...eight again."

Robin arches up, instinctively rolling her hips against him at the image he's created of being walked in on this way. It's _so hot_. She pulls his mouth back to hers and then it's just pleasure and heat and the next thing she knows she's coming hard, which sends him over too.

Crashing over the edge into bliss and then gradually back into awareness, the only sound in the room is their heavy breathing. Barney is the first to move, shifting against her. Robin whimpers softly and her grip on him tightens as tremors still roll through her, increasing at his movement, and she holds him to her, drawing it out. He presses a soft kiss to her neck in the afterglow, raising his head in inches to gaze down at her affectionately. "Well that just happened," he smiles mischievously.

It's been more like fifteen minutes and before they have time to say anything further they hear footsteps outside that leave them scrambling to make themselves presentable. Barney zips his pants, picking up the fallen objects and righting the desk. Robin smoothes her dress back into place, runs a hand through her hair, and is only just sitting down when the Reverend walks into the room. Barney slides into the chair beside her and they both paste on innocent smiles.

It seems like they've pulled this off until they soon discover that their minister doesn't truly want to know them at all. He actually just wants to interrogate them, complete with an entire list of things that aren't allowed in _his_ church – including "casual attire" and even gum. It goes on and on.

Barney turns to whisper to Robin. "Reverend? More like Neverend." She smirks and has to hold in laughter which only increases his own mirth. "Prayer five!"

They cross themselves despite the fact that neither one is Catholic and give a backhanded five. Robin tries to look innocent afterwards. Barney just eyes her deadpan, and she struggles to hold back laughter again. They're like two naughty kids sitting through a boring lecture, just like two and a half years ago in the Natural History Museum all over again.

They both tune back in just in time to hear, "I'll warn you that I turn down most wedding requests, particularly from boozy promiscuous Manhattanites."

The pair exchanges a sober look at his words. Because they met at a bar, constantly hung out at a bar, and repeatedly had sex with each other when not officially together.

On top of that, Reverend Lowell throws out the accusation of couples only wanting him to marry them because his church is cute. He has them pegged so entirely they feel like there's no choice but to lie about everything – how they met and fell in love, who they really are, the fact that they just had an _excellent_ and extremely carnal celebration of that love right here on his desk.

They're struggling over precisely what that lie will be when it just comes to Barney. Marshall and Lily's is the most innocent dating story he's ever heard and he runs with it. As soon as he goes into the "We've been dating since college" part, Robin has heard the story enough times to instantly know what to seamlessly segue into herself.

And Reverend Lowell _loves_ them.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>They've been presenting themselves as such ever since.<p>

"You stole our story of how we met?" Lily asks, aghast.

"We _had_ to," Barney defends. "Your story is so sweet," he explains as Robin nods along. "You didn't even kiss till the third date. By our third date I'd hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour."

Robin looks down at the truth of that. They _were_ boozy and promiscuous, with each other certainly. They never could help themselves. Their chemistry was just too strong. However the important part of this isn't their dalliances but that it means they're caught. "Now Reverend Lowell knows that we lied to him. What if he cancels our wedding?"

Sure enough, he asks to speak to them in private immediately and they have no idea what they're going to do now. They both agree that telling the truth and throwing themselves on the Reverend's mercy is their only option, but lucky for them he somehow thinks Lily is the one who lied and together they run with it once more. Barney blames it on drinking, Robin on drugs, but the couple doesn't miss a beat, simultaneously amending, "She's been drinking drugs". It makes little sense but they're so convincing working as a team, and they really are an adorable couple, so they're able to easily sell it to Reverend Lowell.

But when Lily hears about this new lie she is livid, asserting in what's meant to be Robin's voice that she had to lie because she and her husband are so ashamed of their own story. It's an allegation that stings them both more than Lily knows. She launches into a story of how they only met because of Ted, but ends it in Marshall/Barney callously pushing Ted aside so he and Lily/Robin can jump each other's bones. She paints their story as something underhanded and sordid, with years of lying and cheating and backsliding, capping it off with the accusation that, "My husband's a sociopath who's slept with over a hundred women and I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up!"

Rather than offended at the allegation, Barney and Robin are simply irate at the lack of proper respect in the details; he's been with over two hundred and fifty women, and she is the one who felt her boss up. The truth is they know what people may think of them and their love story; look at how one of their own very best friends just presented it. But this is who they are and neither of them sees anything wrong with it. It's the rest of the world that forces them to modify the details, that tells them they should consider their story somehow 'less than' because it won't fit into a sappy greeting card or a Disney movie.

Naturally Reverend Lowell is firmly on the side of the rest of the world and after hearing Lily's truth about them he returns to his church in a huff. Robin and Barney are both dreading it but they know they have to go after him to re-secure their wedding that he's supposed to perform in just forty-five hours.

Back in the minister's office once again, Robin has the coat she used as protection against the rain on the short walk outside slung over her arm. It's the same coat she had on six months ago on the night that she and Barney were out at the strip club, relatively drunk, and they kissed for the first time in a year. She chose this coat on purpose to bring along to their wedding weekend just like she packed as her bridal robe the very same robe she wore the morning Lily locked them in her old bedroom until she and Barney had The Talk and defined their feelings. They're both sentimental remembrances for her, but right now they stand as reminders of just the sort of thing Reverend Lowell will look down on them for. "Uh, the – the truth is," Robin begins, saying whatever she needs to say to make this man change his mind, "we have a complicated, messy history that – that we're not too proud of. But we're sorry that we lied and hope that you can forgive us."

He won't, however, and it soon becomes clear they'll need a new officiant, which they're fine with – until he says that means he's pulling his church too. They understood those were his terms to begin with but with just hours left until their wedding they hadn't truly imagined he'd be so cruel. Where are they supposed to find a new place to get married in less than two days?

Robin looks to Barney, nearly beside herself, and she can see that he's equally upset. This is ridiculous, a disaster. It's too late to make this kind of change and completely back out on them. Surely, she can at least appeal to his humanity. "Please, is – is there _any_ way you'd reconsider?"

"No. No, no. You two are both terrible people."

It's a stunningly unjust rebuke from a man who's had all of two five-minute conversations with them and in fact doesn't even know them at all, but that doesn't matter to her at the moment. All she wants is to appeal to his pity and make him see that if they're two 'terrible' people at least they're terrible people who are so right for one another. "Who found each other in this crazy world," she says. Turning to Barney, she starts an "Aww", trying to drum up the same reaction in Reverend Lowell that they always have to each other, to their history and their sentiments of love.

But he's not feeling it at all and asks them to leave. They start to go, crushed, with no idea what they're going to do next when Barney suddenly decides he's not going out like this. This man can hate them and scorn them, stomp all over their relationship and refuse to marry them. It's a free country and that's his prerogative. But he's not leaving until Reverend Lowell knows how wrong he is and that there's at least one person in this room who's not the least bit ashamed of the way he and Robin fell in love, of their _real_ story, of every chaotic piece of their history. Because the truth is it's the greatest love story he's ever known, far better than even Marshall and Lily's. Stopping cold at the door, he turns around to boldly proclaim, "You know what? You're right."

Robin turns now too, wondering what he's going to say, if he's thought up some way to get them out of this like he did before.

"We shouldn't have lied about our story," Barney continues confidently. "I _love_ our story." He even puts his hand to his chest so deep is his conviction. He'll own it all, because there's not a single bit of their story that he's regretful of.

Hearing his words, Robin blinks with emotion and her mouth turns up into a gentle smile.

"Sure, it's messy, but it's the story that got us here. About to get married." And if this man knew a thing about them he'd realize how _huge_ that is, what a massive change it was to get here from where they started, both individually and as a couple. To accomplish that took nothing less than a world-shaking, soul-altering, once-in-a-lifetime love – and there's no shame in that; it's to be applauded and revered.

Robin looks at him in awe, loving the fact that he feels that way too. All of her life there's been this feeling of never being quite good enough, and now that same stigma gets attached to their love too. She's so happy to know that just as Barney loves all the things about her that other people find distasteful – and she with him – he loves their love story too in the same way that she appreciates it. No, their story isn't a picture-perfect fairytale like Marshall and Lily's, but it's pretty damn epic, and beautiful, and so full of feeling – of _love _– through it all. Others may not understand the twists and turns on their road to each other but she loves every single dip and curve on the journey because it got them here to their happy ending. This coat in her hand stands as a reminder that she's not ashamed of that night – it was a cherished part of "The Robin" – or any other night they've shared. Each memory with Barney has been unforgettable and precious. To compare themselves to Lily and Marshall is like apples and oranges. They have their own unique love story that may be less innocent but it's still fantastic. Their love isn't less, and there's nothing wrong with their story. Their story is poignant and moving and magnificent.

"I love it too." Robin rushes to his side to take hold of his arm, to stand resolute with him, the two of them against the world as it's always been. Barney turns to look at her and she smiles, further expressing her love for, "Every messy chapter."

It's wonderful for Barney to know that the feeling is mutual, that she's not ashamed either – of him and his background or of their messy story. The greatest beauty can come from something that began muddled and unsure, and it means so much to him to that she recognizes and values that too without even a hint of shame or regret. It means they're not broken – they never were – and neither is their story. It isn't only him who thinks it's great while the whole world looks down on them. Robin loves it just as much as he does, just as strongly.

"I love that you slept with over two hundred and fifty women before deciding that I was your favorite," she tells him. Because it means he _has_ been around, and of all those other women – literally hundreds of them – no one could touch his heart but her. How many people can say that? Their love has been put to the test of time and distance and other outside relationships, but every time it _always_ just comes back down to the two of them because no one and nothing else will even come close to comparing. That fact alone makes their story beautiful.

Barney reaches out to touch her arm now. He can feel the love between them as they smile in gentle happiness at each other and he needs to be touching her in some way. "And I love that we just had to keep having sex with each other even when we were dating other people." Barney's going to put it all out there, every last part of their story that was used against them, because it's not a weapon; it's a treasure and he loves it. He and Robin couldn't help themselves, couldn't help but come together. It's always been that way, how they simply couldn't keep their hands off each other until just the one time that "never happened" became two and then three and then countless, immeasurable times together, how even when they were each involved with someone else and they knew it was supposed to be wrong they still had a deep inherent _need_ for each other that wouldn't be silenced or ignored. And it will always be that way. They'll always be swept away by that magic. He _loves_ that. Most people would kill for that; they only wished they had something half as powerful. He and Robin are lucky to have that never-fade chemistry and magic, and he will never see that as anything other than a gift to be celebrated.

Robin beams at him with pure adoration, loving their story and him and everything that makes them exceptional. All the aspects that make them unconventional and that traditionalists would say they should be ashamed of – even the cheating scandal that at the time she beat herself up over – she can now see are such special, meaningful moments to them and she's proud of it all, wouldn't change a thing. "And I love that your marriage proposal involved a strip club, lying to me, and pretending to bang the woman I _hate_ for two months." As far as she's concerned it was the best proposal of all time – so very him, so them, so perfect – and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or how anyone else sees it. They've living it from the inside and it's profoundly beautiful, so much so that the sweet tenderness spills out and they reach for each other, Robin playing with the knot of his tie while Barney grasps her waist with both hands.

"I love that we keep a running tally of all the different rooms we've had sex in," he adds in that tone of his, the low intimate one that always comes before _very_ good things,

Barney is running his thumb over her abdomen and even through the fabric of her dress Robin feels the electric heat of it. It makes her boldly confess, "I love that two weeks ago we put _this_ room on that list." She won't let Reverend Lowell make their love into something inferior, because it's not. She loves their chemistry and their whole entire story, and if anything all of this ought to make him see how much they love each other, how perfect they are for each other. That should be reason enough to marry them.

But when they turn to see his reaction, finally able to tear themselves away from each other and their unfolding declaration to remember the third party in the room, they're shocked to discover the man is as dead as a doornail.

Barney looks to Robin worriedly. "Well that's not what you want."

She brings her hand up to her mouth in shock, trying not to think about Universe signs and bad omens – first the empty locket box and now this, their minister literally dropping dead after he hears their story.

Barney is the first to act, ushering Robin out of the office and calling for someone to help. Ten minutes later, the paramedics confirm what they already know: Reverend Lowell is gone. Though it may not be the proper time they have to ask what will become of their wedding now and they're informed by those left in charge that they can still use the church on Sunday but they'll have to find their own officiant as the church has no one else in place who can marry them.

Walking back to the hotel, Barney puts his arm around Robin's as they huddle underneath the one umbrella. "I can't believe our minister is dead," she quietly says, her voice barely audible over the sound of the rain.

"Hey, it'll be okay, Robin. I promise we'll figure this out. Finding someone else to marry us is easier than finding a new venue. If we have to, just about anyone can get ordained online pretty quickly. At least we can still use the church – which is probably more than we could say if the Reverend was still alive," he points out practically.

"I hadn't thought of it that way, but you're right." Robin perks up, realizing as morbid as it is maybe this is a good thing for them. "Even if it killed him, I do love our story, Barney. I really, really do."

"Me too. I wasn't just saying that so he'd marry us. I could care less if he married us. I just wanted you to have the church you wanted," he discloses. "But I love our story and I couldn't let him make it seem like there was anything wrong with it."

"Now that we've agreed we're not ashamed of it, what do you consider our real 'How we met' story?" Robin wonders. "We'll need to get the details straight so we can tell it together in the years to come."

Barney smiles at the idea of the two of them perfecting their story so they can effortlessly glide into retelling it like a two-person play the way they've heard Marshall and Lily do so many times. "Well….Lily's right; I did tap you on the shoulder to play 'Have you Met Ted?'. Technically that was the first time I ever spoke to you, but I don't feel like that's when we met. I didn't even know your name and you didn't know mine."

"I think the first time we really met was the night after Ted threw all those parties to get me to come and then he kissed me on the roof but I told him I wanted us to be just friends and that I'd help find him the One instead – hmm, I guess I still have to make good on that," she realizes.

"And then he brought you down to MacLaren's to introduce you to the rest of us. That was the first time we all sat in the booth together….You sat down next to me," Barney recalls.

"I kind of had to," she smiles. "Lily and Marshall were sitting together and you were already there on the other side of the booth. Next to you was the only empty spot."

"So then you didn't feel the pull of destiny drawing you to the Barnacle?" he asks mischievously.

"I didn't believe in destiny back then, remember? But I was intrigued by you."

"I remember the first thing you ever said to me was to tease me and put me in my place with just a few quick words and that smart little smile of yours," Barney reminisces, squeezing her waist affectionately. "That instantly appealed to me and set you apart."

She stops on the sidewalk and turns to him, grinning. "That's actually a great 'How we met' story….Barney and I met through a mutual friend," she tries it out.

"And the first thing Robin did was playfully insult me," Barney jumps in. "She had me right then."

"It was fate," they finish together a la Marshall and Lily.

Robin giggles softly, pressing closer to him. "That's all the more we ever need to tell anyone else. The rest is just for the two of us. But the real story of how we feel in love is nothing like Lily said."

Barney nods his agreement. "It wasn't sneaky or devious."

"It wasn't planned at all. We just – we _understood_ each other."

"We connected on a level we never had with anyone else," he concurs.

Robin smiles. "We really were destined for each other, weren't we?"

"We were meant to be together," Barney grins gently. "If that's not a beautiful story, I don't know what is."

She moves in to press her lips to his and then they're tenderly kissing out in the rain, ignoring the rest of the world around them. "Hey," she says when they start walking again, "you said before that by our third date you'd hit all the bases."

"Well that part _is_ true, Robin," he smirks. "We hit all the bases before we'd even been on a single real date."

"That was your fault for being so sweet to me that night," she contends.

"It was your fault for inviting me over and jumping me on your couch," he counters.

"I may have started it but you jumped me right back."

"Of course I did," Barney brazenly acknowledges. "I'd wanted to get you into bed since I first laid eyes on you – and even more so after that first insult," he winks. "I knew we'd be _incredible_ together."

Robin responds with a laugh that melts into a sigh. "It was both our faults for being so attracted to each other for so long, that's all."

"No one was to blame," he settles it. "It was just an amazing night."

"Yes, it was," is her soft reply. "But I'm curious, what exactly do you consider our third date, Barney?"

"I guess you _could_ consider the night we first played Battleship as a date. That means we had at least one before sex," he shrugs.

"The night you went bare pickle? No way," Robin objects. "I thought we were just hanging out as friends."

"Please. You wanted me."

"There was pretty much always a part of me that _wanted_ you on some level, but I wasn't about to sleep with you and I did think it was just a suited-up night of friendship, an inaugural bro thing."

"Okay, you're right," Barney amends. "That time stands as our first _bro's_ night, not our first date."

Robin considers it for a moment and then concludes, "I think maybe our first date was the night you made me promise to apply for that job I didn't get – but then I got Japan instead."

He gives her a look. "The night you got me another girl to go home with? Very romantic."

"Well I didn't realize _at the time_ it was a date. But," she begins cataloging her reasons, "we were alone together at an upscale restaurant. You wouldn't even look at another woman or tell any off-color jokes. You were being super nice to me, and charming and attentive. And I was confused and alarmed by how it made me feel. That certainly sounds like first date material."

"I think it's just a matter of what we consider an 'official' date," Barney emphasizes. "We went out together alone a lot – and I mean _a lot_ – that winter and spring before we started sleeping together. For a while you were out of work so you had plenty of time to bro out, and once you got the job at _Come On Get Up, New York_ I used to stay up so I could spend time with you before you went to work, or I would take you there on my way home, or get up early to come have breakfast with you after you got off but before I went in to work."

Robin smiles at the memory. "I think you were the only one who legitimately watched that show."

"I didn't watch the show. I watched _you_. And often master – "

"Alright, Barney," she cuts him off and he smirks. "That summer, _our_ summer, we had too many dates to count." It wasn't only sneaking back to his place or hers to bang. There were innumerable dinners out and bars and clubs and laser tag games and movies and visits to the cigar club and Central Park and the theater a few times and even a couple of weekend trips together. It was never just sex. Their dates always ended in sex and sometimes even began that way – a quickie in the ladies room, a solid round in the apartment before Ted came home, an all-nighter at his place. Every single date included sex; it just couldn't ever not, no matter their intentions going in. Yet it was never just sex alone. It was every bit as much an emotional affair. Focusing on the sexual side of it was simply easier.

"But we never actually called them dates," Barney points out, "so if you go by that than our 'official' third date wasn't until the fall, after we had The Talk – which means our sex numbers were easily up into the triple digits by then."

"Hmm, that depends on _which_ sex numbers," Robin deliberates, "rooms or actual times we had sex….."

And their bantering debate continues all the way up until they arrive back at the Farhampton Inn.

Once inside the hotel they quickly re-join Friday night drinks where all their wedding guests have been mingling without them. Robin sits back down and Barney leans against the bar again as if they never left – only this time their discussion revolves around what they can do and who they could potentially find to marry them now that their original minister is dead. That is, until Barney sees Ted with Grace.

"Maybe our plan worked after all. Look." He nudges Robin, indicating the middle of the room where Ted is now holding Grace's hand, bringing her over to the bar.

They quickly tell him what happened, explaining that they now have just two days to find a new officiant. Unless…. "_Wedding at Bernie's_!" Barney cries triumphantly, the awe-inspiring idea hitting him like a flash.

"We're not doing _Wedding at Bernie's_," Robin cuts off that fantasy before it even starts.

After that Ted has all their attention when he decides it's his place to make a toast in the deceased man's honor. Robin shakes her head, whispering to Barney, "And there go his chances with Grace. Longwinded Smosby speeches are like padlocking a woman's knees."

Barney snorts but has to hold in his laughter as they all somberly raise their glasses to Reverend Lowell. A second later Cassie comes in, openly sobbing again. Apparently the mean ol' tool was her uncle. Figures, Barney thinks.

He and Robin share a discreet look. With the entrance of weeping Cassie, Ted's hopes with Grace just went up in smoke and they all know it. Ted accepts his fate, walking over to hug Cassie, and Robin loops her hand through Barney's arm, laughing. "Told you he was going to blow it."

"But _we_ didn't," Barney smiles.

"No, we didn't." She reaches up to curl her fingers around his tie affectionately. "Our story is one for the ages."

"Absolutely legendary." They click their glasses together in a toast, drinking to that.

The scotch goes down smooth – and after the whole dead minister thing Robin could use the drink. "_Wedding at Bernie's_…." She shakes her head. "That wouldn't even be legal you know."

Barney won't let such minor details mar the awesomeness of his vision. "Well we could make it legal afterwards. I've got a Guy who – "

"Come here," she laughs. This whole debate is so very Barney that it makes her feel warm and contented, makes her _really_ want to kiss him. And so she does.

After just one lingering kiss, Robin slides out of her chair and sets her glass down on the bar, taking Barney's out of his hand and doing the same. Raising her eyebrow, she gives him a look that makes it very clear what's in store for him tonight. "Let's go back to our room."

There's no place on earth he'd rather be.


	55. 907

**No Questions Asked**

* * *

><p>In their room starting to wind down for the night, Robin transfers the extra pillows from the bed to the stool while Barney hops on his laptop to check his email and update his blog. She's just bending down and removing her heels when he excitedly tells her what he's just read: things are all set for the dove release as they leave the church on Sunday.<p>

This is literally the first time she's heard anything about that and it conflicts mightily with her own plan, which is to have her family members firing a twenty-one gun salute at that very same time – meaning rather than a celebration of their marriage they have a dove massacre in store for them.

Barney suggests firing blanks but that's apparently not the Canadian way and he's slightly annoyed at this changeup. He went to a considerable amount of trouble getting the dove release set up and he's kind of had his heart set on it all this time; he even bonded with the birds.

His frustration spills over into hers because she was counting on her plan just as much. Then again, Robin realizes, to be fair she never told him her post-ceremony plans either. "That's the problem with us," she stresses to Barney. "We don't think about checking in with the other person before doing something." It's a symptom of their independent natures. They're so used to going it alone, looking out for themselves, that they have a tendency to leap first and leave the other one out. It's what happened with the presentation for finding Ted a weekend date. Barney came up with it by himself and began it without her; she invited herself to help him after the fact. It's what happened with the apartment when she already decided on her own that she wanted to move but he also decided on his own that he wanted to stay and they each put their separate plans into motion. That's even what happened with the Paul Shaffer thing. It was adorable because Barney's her Dobler, but at the same time he went off half-cocked without her knowledge instead of just talking to her about it, which would have solved everything.

And that leads directly into their other issue: a lack of communication. Vulnerability creeps into Robin's voice as she conveys, "Honestly, I think that's what broke us up the first time." It was the absence of honest, open discussion that led to their downfall, that very same lack of 'checking in'. Yes, there was an element of self-interest and unwillingness to compromise the first time around, and certainly of immaturity, but she would have sacrificed a lot to be with him and continue their relationship – to make it work _back then_ – and she now knows he would have for her too. But they never even talked about such things or what they each were feeling and needing. They kept it to themselves, tried to do their own thing, and it just fell apart. "We're both lone wolves, always off in our own worlds."

These are the same things that had her concerned before and spurred on her search for her locket, fearing they both might not be ready yet for marriage. She was looking for reassurance that day in the park….and she never got it. Just the opposite, in fact. Robin stares off, feeling an edge of anxiety beginning to creep in again.

"That's not gonna work," Barney announces.

It's disheartening to hear confirmation from him of her very own concerns and she shakes her head gravely. "Not in a marriage, no."

Vaguely registering Robin saying something about marriage, Barney looks up suddenly and apologizes, asking her to repeat it; he hadn't caught it all as he'd been too lost in thought pondering how to protect his poor little doves.

That admission makes Robin's expression tighten. Because even in this very moment he was lone wolfing it, so consumed in his own private thoughts that he didn't even hear her voicing her concerns. But before she can respond Marshall calls, which puts the discussion on hold, so she goes into the bathroom to start removing her makeup.

Left alone in the main room to take his call, Barney soon discovers his friend is cashing in his No Questions Asked. He owes him after he used one himself to get Marshall to sign him out of the hospital back in October. It was right after the nannies incident. He was particularly manic at the time, hurrying from distraction to distraction, and since women weren't working anymore he turned to outlandish challenges and dares instead. That specific time he swallowed real-life versions of the Lucky Charms items for just $50. He had them removed that very same night but Lenox Hill Hospital took a very dim view of his actions, informing him he could have died and listing him as "a danger to himself and others", therefore requiring a third party to sign him out and be legally responsible for him like one of those crazy celebrities who needs a guardian to take charge of their actions. In retrospect, it was an extremely low point on his journey back to Robin. He's so immensely thankful those days are forever behind him that paying back his debt to Marshall now by deleting a message off Lily's phone seems like a small thing to ask.

In the bathroom wiping off the last of her mascara, Robin's still mulling over this lone wolf problem, but she's decided she's not going to let fear win this time. Not every marriage ends like her parents did. They just have to face the problem and fix it. So when she hears the beep of Barney ending his call, she comes back out into the main room to try to do exactly that. "Anyway, I was saying I think we need to be better about talking to each other before doing stuff." But it only ends in Barney quickly saying he can't talk to her right now – ironically, because he's too busy doing stuff. What, she has no idea since he doesn't bother to tell her and goes diving into the air ducts before she can ask.

She isn't left with much time to ruminate on what just happened, however, since seconds after Barney leaves she gets her own call from Marshall asking for repayment of a No Questions Asked from her too, as she'd used one with him earlier in the month.

Of course Robin has long known of the group's fondness for the interrogation-free bailouts they've come to dub 'No Questions Asked's, yet she's rarely indulged in them herself. But that time was a last resort; she didn't have a choice. She blames it all on the secret group they've gotten involved in – or rather _took over_ to now run themselves. It's an advanced roleplaying society for couples only and the closest thing to a group orgy Barney will ever get. It wasn't something she would've gotten into on her own, yet she can't deny how much she absolutely loves it. It was all Barney's idea at the start but it didn't take long to become very much _her_ clandestine little bent…..

* * *

><p>Two Months Ago<p>

* * *

><p>It's mid-March and though there's no holiday to call for it – too late for Valentine's Day and too early for her birthday – Barney still wants to surprise Robin. After all, she's fully accepted him – even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts – and agreed to stay in the apartment permanently, turning what was once his Fortress into <em>their<em> home. He hopes to make a similar gesture to show that he embraces every part of her too.

At first he considers doing something pro-Canadian….but what could that even be? Take a trip to Canada? Go to a Canucks game together? Buy her a box of Timbits? It's a mystifying question. Plus since it's been revealed he's one quarter Canadian himself, and he's even gotten to know some of those relatives now too, it takes a little something away from the gesture. So the next thing that comes to mind is embracing that _other_ predominant part of her, the very first thing he ever noticed: the fact that Robin Scherbatsky is into some crazy-kinky stuff. Boy, was he ever right at first glance about her liking it dirty. She loves games and props and imaginative elements. He's never known a woman so into roleplaying. Not that they're lovemaking as themselves isn't amazing. It's just that sometimes it's fun to play. He thinks of it as two people who love their life as it is but sometimes enjoy a little vacation to mix things up. So most of the time they're Barney and Robin in bed, but sometimes they enjoy bringing in that additional element of the fantasy of being 'someone else'.

And once she suggested they turn his old "Ho Be Gone" spare bedroom into a sex lounge for the two of them, he knew for certain Robin is up for just about anything. In fact, while he enjoys a good costume and a bit of roleplaying, _Robin_ is the one who initially suggested taking it to the max and completely adopting alternate personas for the night to the point of occasionally carrying it through dinner and a date beforehand, meeting up like they don't even know each other and taking the fantasy all the way to the end until the sex is completely done, sometimes in the wee small hours of the morning.

Barney isn't put off by it at all, quite the opposite; he fully supports it. Experimenting with Robin is always hot, and it mimics the fun of running plays. But more importantly, since _she_ loves it so much he wants it to continue and even take it up a notch for that much more excitement. With that in mind he does a little research and discovers the perfect surprise for her. Over Pad Thai at home that night he presents her with his gift, an invitation to join the Cosplay couples group he found.

At first she's wary of it until he explains, "There is _no_ swinging involved. I promise it's all monogamous. Look, roleplaying is a particular kink of yours; we both know that. That's all this is, just a group of different couples who are looking to spice up their relationships through elaborate, real-life, ongoing role play. You should embrace the side of yourself that enjoys that. It's what you like. There's no need to hide or suppress that. I accept all sides of you, Robin, just like you have with me. And this side isn't even hard to support. I have a fiancée who likes it wild in bed. Where's the problem there?"

He can see her rapidly opening up to the idea, and now that she has there's a real excitement lighting up her features. "Okay. But how does this work?"

"Since I know what the thought of getting caught does to you…." Barney winks with a click of his tongue. "….and the element of danger too, I found a group that's perfect for us. It's a Cosplay _spy_ organization. Every couple has their own preferences; that's what makes up the hierarchy of the agency. Some of them like to be partners. Some like to engage in superior agent to protégé fantasy play."

Robin flips through the printouts he gave her, fascinated, intrigued and highly interested to try this herself. "So we actually have missions? As in real, covert operations across the city?" she asks, biting her lip in anticipation.

Barney can tell she finds the idea thrilling. Challenge, competition, that rush of adrenaline, those are all huge Robin turn-ons. And that works perfectly since they're turn-ons for him too.

The next night he arranges their first meet-and-greet session with the group before the real action begins, and the two of them quickly find their groove in the 'agency'. They're both alpha dogs whose calling is to rise through the ranks, immediately taking charge of their own teams of resources and spies. The others are a little baffled at their zeal to be rivals but to each his own, and by the end of the meeting the future Stinsons fervor actually works to spur on the entire rest of the group.

The truth is Robin and Barney quite enjoy the concept of being enemy agents for their own private reasons. They get off on the competition certainly, but it's more than just that. Though they wouldn't admit it at the time, they both loved their early years with the quick banter and the back and forth and the forbidden sparks flying between them. So this arrangement suits them just fine.

On their first day of actual gameplay the rival groups have to share a single conference space because of the real-world confines of the game. It was already decided that Robin's team gets to utilize the room first and once her agents are deployed onto the playing field – meaning out into the city – Barney's team gets the room for their ten minutes of planning. But when the time comes, Robin is so consumed with going over her charts a final time that she doesn't leave with her team right away – to the point of using the ladies room next door as a makeshift office. Ten minutes later, with the game fully on, she notes that Barney's team has left now too so it's safe to return for the one diagram of the new GNB tower she accidentally left behind in the room. And that's how Robin and Barney, in their full Cosplay personas, end up having an accidental encounter at Agent Headquarters – meaning one of the meeting rooms in the W New York Union Square that the group now books twice a month.

Quick-witted barbs soon fire back and forth. Boasts about all the vengeance and swift annihilation they're about to deliver are tossed and returned. "You're out of your league," he contends. "It won't be long before I defeat all your agents….and then make you my conquest."

"Not likely," she vehemently returns. "I _always_ win. I'll soon have victory over _you_ and your entire evil organization."

Breathes are coming quicker now, the zing in the small room heightening with every new insult and allegation of besting each other, until finally he grabs her and pulls her fiercely against him.

"What are you doing?" she asks indignantly.

"You know what I'm doing, and you like it," he alleges, pure heated seduction.

Then he's kissing her passionately and it's a game, a dance of taking it up a notch and then another and another. Her fingernails grip his shoulders. His tongue plunges into her mouth. She nips at his lip. He spanks her.

With the feeling of his hand still tingling across her bottom she gasps and he watches her pupils dilate with lust. "I hate you," she hisses.

"Oh now you don't, Night Falcon. You feel it the same as I do. It's been all I can do to destroy your team, just as you've tried to destroy mine…But damn it if we don't want each other like hell," he admits, gripping her hips.

She grins at him and he waggles his eyebrows, a moment from Robin to Barney for the tiniest split second, and then they're back in character.

"Get away from me," she insists, pushing out of his arms and across the room, turning her back to him. "I'll never surrender to you." But in the next breath he's coming up behind her, taking off her hood, and she doesn't fight him.

There's a lingering, sensual moment as he gently lifts and frees her hair, spilling it out around her shoulders – and then he grabs a fistful of it, bending her head back to expose her neck. In an instant his open mouth trails over her skin, biting and sucking hard enough to leave a mark and that's his intent, to seduce her as well as to mark his enemy as belonging to _him_ now.

She moans softly and squirms against him while his other hand glides over her curves. "This is wrong," she protests, though desire is clear in her voice and body language. "My men are out there fighting. I won't betray them by giving in to you this way."

"They don't have to know," he persists, scraping his teeth over the juncture where her jaw and neck meet, drawing on the sensitive skin.

And that's all the more she can take. "No one has to know," she decides abruptly, turning around and kissing him insistently. "This changes nothing," she's quick to maintain even as she raises her knee up to his hip and rocks against him. "I just need – "

"You need me to drill you hard and fast and rough," he finishes for her, reading her mind. "I know what you like; it's written all over you."

"We're still enemies. Don't think this buys you any mercy."

"Please," he scoffs. "Mercy's not what I'm interested in from you. This is just you using my body, and me owning you, _taking_ you, the way I've imagined."

She stiffens in his arms. "So that's why you've targeted me and my team? _This_ is what you want from me?"

"Correction. It's not what I want. It's what I'm having. Right now." He moves to kiss her again but she turns her mouth away.

"Not so fast," she bristles, bringing her leg back down to the ground. "I'm no one's concubine."

"That's a step up from dead, the way my superiors want you." His thumbs begin rubbing soft, erotic patterns low on her abdomen. "You're no good to me dead. I plan to collect a much more substantial and pleasurable reward from you at the end of my missions." His fingers glide around to the backs of her thighs, pressing her intimately against him, letting her feel his hardness. "But you aren't going to be my sex _slave_, make no mistake of that. You, Night Falcon, will be _begging_ me for it. You won't be able to get enough."

She slaps his face, demanding, "Shut up!" But in the next instant she's pulling his mouth down to hers, and then he's back on her. He seems to have a million hands, touching every part of her through the purple lycra while she too traces the line of his pecs down to his abs through his red bodysuit.

The threats, coercion, and heated foreplay continue until they're pulling each other's bodysuits down and having primal, intense sex bent over the conference table before going their separate ways back into the skirmish, him sending his men out after her and she doing the same, no mercy shown the moment they zip back into their suits.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>It scratches a particular itch for the both of them. It's a little bit wild, a little bit forbidden, <em>a lot<em> hot, and a touch of "strange" too since they're both pretending to be other people in this double Cosplay life.

Of course Robin being Robin, with her taste for blood and Canadian violence, quickly takes the group to extremes, introducing actual battle play, parkour elements, and even real weapons – ornate guns that don't shot actual bullets, only harmless rubber pellets that won't actually break the skin, and dart guns with numbing arrows that are just a concentrated version of over-the-counter type numbing creams that wear off over time.

And so after an afternoon and evening of hardcore battle out on the streets of New York, one of them will "capture" the other and take them back to their private headquarters – read: the apartment. Or sometimes they'll request a 'peaceful mediation' between the two super-agent leaders, which always comes back as a stalemate and a return to battle….after an hour spent utilizing one of the upstairs hotel rooms. And still other times it will be stolen moments in the midst of the game, right out in the playing field where their agents are busy battling around them while the two of them are having secret forbidden encounters in all sorts of places – a cellar, a back alley, a closet of some random unlocked building they happened to run into.

The specific time in question that involved Marshall was back on the first Saturday in May, about seven in the evening. They were having a particularly fierce game and she knew she wasn't going to make it on her own; she needed to call in help. Barney had already won the last time. As his reward he tied her up and did all manner of things to her, and she came so many times she lost track. That's why there are no actual losers in this game. Nevertheless, she was determined to take _him_ as her prisoner that night. She had her heart set on it; she already bought a new pair of handcuffs and a box of French ticklers to have him wear. So with Barney's men in hot pursuit she called Marshall to come meet her at the alley near 22nd and 2nd – no questions asked. On the run across the rooftops, ducking darts, she asked Marshall to tell her the story she knew would turn him into a soft landing space. After jumping the three stories into his arms, she bounded away with no time to explain. Marshall would have been alright too if that dart hadn't gotten in his eye, but his vision came back so there's nothing to complain about as far as she's concerned.

Still, she intends to make good on what she owes him. But since it's past 11:30 p.m., well after Lily's mom bedtime – especially since she's been drinking throughout the day – Robin figures the only way she's getting into Lily's room is through creative means. With that in mind, she makes a quick call and in less than five minutes she's bursting out from beneath the room service cart and into Room 13.

She discovers Barney and Ted are already there, and it makes her feel a little better to know that's why he ran off. Marshall must have called Barney away on a No Questions Asked the same as he did her. After that quick discovery she wastes no time going straight into full Night Falcon mode and starts casing the room, and it doesn't take long to discover the phone simply isn't there. Which means Lily must have it with her at the front desk.

"Okay, we need to get to Lily's phone before she sees that text," Ted announces.

Barney and Robin are way ahead of him. They're already deeply engrossed in individual planning, bouncing on their heels with determination to get the job down.

"I'm on it!" Barney cries, hurrying back into the air duct.

"Night Falcon is on it!" Robin echoes. "Good thing I packed my unitard." Just as her fiancé did, she dashes off on her own, running from Lily's room back to their suite across the hall to change.

Barney is up in the ducts partway to the lobby when he realizes what he's doing and literally comes crawling back into Lily's room. Robin also recognizes her same mistake and returns to the room just in time to find her fiancé popping out of the wall. They look at one another across the space and each knows what the other is thinking; Barney is just the first to verbalize it. "This is exactly what we always do, isn't it?" They act before they think, and they rush off to act _alone_.

Robin throws her arms up in frustration. "Yeah. We were both gonna bolt off and lone wolf it without telling the other person a thing," she glumly assesses, coming to sit down beside him on the floor.

"Why do we do that?" Barney questions, baffled, knowing it wasn't his intention to purposefully exclude her from his plan.

"I don't know." She honestly doesn't. She didn't set out to think independently and leave Barney out of her decision; they'd only just discussed this, after all. It was just her gut instinct to drive to action alone, and it was obviously his too. But the fact that it is their second nature, what if that means they can _never_ change? And if that's true what does it say for the two of them and their relationship?

It's moments like this that bring her right back to the same old worry. It isn't a lack of love or desire to marry him; it's just the opposite. She wants to be with him more than anything and so at the heart of all of her concerns is always the fear that something is going to happen to take that away from her, to break them up, to make her lose him again. And now she's wondering what if that 'thing' ends up being their lone wolf nature? "Maybe we're just incapable of working as a unit."

Barney looks to her sharply. It might not be easy for them to automatically loosen the reigns of their independence, but 'incapable' is a strong word. She can't really believe that, can she?

Robin wordlessly gazes back at him, hoping to gauge his reaction, to see if _he_ thinks it's true that they'll never be able to change their autonomous nature.

When her eyes meet his, Barney sees the real concern in them and he looks away, sobered by it. But if there's a problem they don't just give up. They have to fix it. And this is something that _can_ be fixed. Sure, they have their independent temperaments and that _is_ second nature to them, but that doesn't mean they can't grow and evolve. It doesn't mean they can't eventually master instinctively including each other. A smart, determined dog can be taught just about any trick. It only takes time and patience. The same goes for wolves too – even wolves that started out as lone ones. "You know I bet even lone wolves can _learn_ to work together," he expresses, eyeing Robin closely.

Her lips slowly turn up at the sentiment, and at the deeper meaning too. Because it shows that he's not just giving up but he's not overlooking the problem and her concerns either. He's ready to face this head-on, to do whatever work it takes for the good of their relationship. That kind of commitment, that kind of resolve, maybe that's all they really need to make their marriage work. "I'd like to think so."

"They could build their little woodland den together," he offers gently.

Robin smiles softly at that and a rush of warmth floods through her thinking about the two of them making a little home and a life for themselves. Really, they already have. "Roam together," she adds, feeling that rush of happiness again.

"Hunt together."

Maybe it's having her Night Falcon costume on but the thrill of the hunt suddenly captures her mind and her voice drops low and silky as she adjoins, "Lure prey into a tight corner and – "

" – snap its limbs with our powerful jaws and watch the life drain from its eyes," they express together.

Gazing lovingly at each other, they "Aww" at their word-for-word reaction.

So they're both a little weird. They both at times have their borderline personality disorders. But that's why they get each other. No one understands a lone wolf like another lone wolf. Maybe that's why only the alpha male and alpha female wolf mate, but when they finally do they mate for life.

The two of them laugh, feeling a renewed hope that they _can_ face and overcome any problem as long as they do it together. "Point is, we're gonna make a great team," Barney confirms. "We just need some practice."

Robin smiles widely, reassured by Barney's words and impressed with his attitude, with the way he's handling this problem with both gentle sensitivity and sensible wisdom. Here she'd been worried, but it truly is that simple. All they need is practice. After all, you don't become Gretzky overnight. "Yeah." And what better time to start practicing than right now? "Yeah," she repeats with determination, "let's prove that we believe in marriage by working _together_ to help Marshall hide something from his wife."

Sealing the deal with a high-five, Barney crawls out of the duct and they get to work. After finding some paper and a pen in one of the drawers that they can use to make a draft of their plan, they climb up onto the bed to brainstorm together.

"Okay, here's what I'm thinking," Barney says, grabbing a piece of paper and starting to write as he goes. "We both go into the air ducts. You jump down, grab Lily's phone, and throw it up to me. I'll delete the text, toss the phone back to you, and you return it before she notices."

Robin shakes her head. "That's not gonna work."

"Why not?"

"Well, for starters, why couldn't I just delete the text once I have the phone in my hands? And I'm not going into the air ducts with you. If we get into a confined space like that it'll lead to trouble," she smiles, giving him a little look that says he knows she's right.

"We wouldn't have sex in an air duct."

"Really?" Robin deadpans. "Remember the crawl space under the coffee shop in last week's games?"

"Alright. Point taken," Barney frowns, balling up the paper and dropping it onto the mattress.

"Besides, we need to create some sort of distraction anyway or Lily's going to notice." Robin pauses in thought and then grabs a piece of paper now herself. "How about this: you go in via the ducts; I'll go in by ground. Then you create a distraction from above while I grab the phone and delete the text."

Barney nods along so far, thinking aloud, "But what sort of distraction can I cause?...I know! I'll pretend to be the Hooker again."

Robin brightens initially but then realizes the flaw in that. "No, the Hooker only haunts _his_ room." She crumples up her paper too.

"Okay then, I'll still go in through the ducts and you on the ground," he writes. "But this time _you_ create the distraction by…making out with Lily!" he settles, finding the idea quite excellent. "And then I'll – "

"Whoa, whoa," she objects. "Barney, I'm not making out with Lily."

"Why not? I'll allow it. And it'll certainly distract her. She's been chasing after it for years now. She's even tried to get you drunk on martinis so you'd go along with it."

"No," Robin remains adamant. "I'm not kissing anyone else, male or female."

"Ohhh," Barney coos, putting his hand on her thigh.

"_And_ because I know you just want to watch," she accuses. His dirty little laugh proves she's right. "It's not happening." She takes the draft from his hands and wads it up, grabbing a fresh sheet and taking back the pen. "Let's try again….The part with you approaching through the ducts and me on the ground can stay. But I can create a distraction by _talking_ to Lily while you jump down, grab the phone, and delete the text. Simple as that."

"No," Barney shakes his head. "I don't have your jumping and rolling skills, Robin. I admit it. And we're about to spend two weeks in a beachfront sex bungalow in Belize. I can't risk pulling a hamstring now. I've seen you out there, Night Falcon. You're the master at this. I swear you were a superhero in another life."

Robin grins at the compliment. "Okay," she agrees, discarding their fourth draft onto the bed with the others. "So I'll create the distraction and while she's preoccupied I'll quickly delete the text."

"Right," Barney jots it all down as she dictates. "And I'll provide lookout from above and warn you if Lily's about to catch us. Hey," he says in inspiration, "maybe you can use your Night Falcon gun. That way we know no one actually gets hurt. You can break a vase or something."

"Oooh that's a great idea! I brought my silencer and everything!"

"Nah, but wait," Barney realizes, balling up this paper too. "The minute you walk over to the front desk to grab the phone she'll notice you."

"Alright," Robin nods. "Then it's back to you creating a distraction while I stay low to the ground and then roll over to snatch the phone," she writes. "Hmm, what if you use one of your doves? Let it out of the vent, and while everyone's focused on that I crawl over and into place."

"Yes! I have a highly trained bird that will – Oh, but no. That still won't work."

"You're right," Robin concurs, realizing the weak spot at the exact same moment. "As soon as I have to stand up to grab the phone off the counter I'll be spotted."

"Yeah," Barney nods. "Like in last month's games. That's how I captured you….Good times," he amorously reminisces, his fingers creeping up her thigh again.

"Never mind that now." She removes his hand, reminding him, "We've got to get that text for Marshall."

"Right, you're right." He shakes himself out of it, tossing down their sixth rejected draft and starting on the seventh. "What if I go in through the air ducts and you approach from the ground with her gun – hey, _just like your Canadian relatives_," he suddenly recognizes.

"Yeah," Robins smiles. "And while I've got everyone preoccupied, you'll send one of _your _wedding doves," she highlights, "in to swoop down and snatch the phone. If they can do that. Can they do that?"

"Of course they can," Barney brags. "All you have to do is roll over to the front desk and Courtney Dove will get you that phone."

"And you'll provide the lookout so I can roll out of there before Lily notices. Then you just escape back through the ducts the way you came so you won't risk an untimely injury," she teases him.

"And then we'll meet back up in our room for some victory sex," he approves.

They rewrite it a second time just to be sure. It's a two page draft – one page with instructions and the other with sketches – and they've made a copy for each of them. "Okay," Barney announces when they're finished. "Let's read it over one more time to be sure."

He moves in close to her on the bed so they can both read from her paper as Robin begins. "First we take position in the lobby."

"Then you cause a distraction."

"Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone."

Barney smiles as he reads along – him them her – both sharing in this together. "The dove drops the phone into your hand. You delete the text and toss it back on the counter."

"Wait," Robin stops their reread abruptly. "It's absolutely insane….how foolproof this plan is!" she finishes with excitement.

He nods in confident pride at their accomplishment. "Sometimes it's best to just go simple."

"Yep," she agrees and they high five.

Sifting through their brilliant draft, Barney lets out a little laugh of contentment. "Look at that. All we had to do was take our two original plans – you with the guns and me with the doves – and merge them."

Robin smiles happily. "Yeah, together they work perfectly."

"Just like us."

After a kiss for luck they hurry into place and begin to enact their plan. However, since they just spent the past fifteen minutes bonding and coming up with their draft, Ted already used that time to get rid of the text himself. But no matter; their plan was still amazingly brilliant and proves how _awesome_ they are at working together. So Robin merely unscrews the silencer from her gun and walks up the stairs as Barney returns through the air ducts to meet back up in the suite as planned.

She's just locking the door behind her when Barney slides back into the room through the open grate. "Well that was kind of a letdown," he states, brushing off his suit.

"It was." After the adrenaline surge of going on a mission it all very quickly fell flat.

"Still…." He approaches her, taking ahold of her hips and drawing her to him. "There's no sense in wasting that unitard now that you've got it on…."

Robin brought her costume along for the honeymoon to add that extra bit of zing to their roleplaying sex – and they both know there is going to be a _ton_ of sex. But after the dove/twenty-one gun incident she'd started to wonder if the fact that even in their roleplaying they are lone wolves, not working together, was a bad sign. Until Barney said what he said and they came up with their plan to help Marshall and realized they can and will work together in their marriage. Their Cosplay life has nothing to do with their real life. Sometimes it's just pretty hot pretending to be rival agents – there's something thrilling about the chase, trying to one-up each other and stay a step ahead – and there's nothing wrong with that.

"No, we shouldn't waste it at all." She wraps her arms around him, nestling closer. "_But_….you climbed into the air ducts without your protection suit," she says, meaning _his_ bodysuit, "and with no way to get back out if the grate on the other side is still closed. Massive technical error." Her voice drops a full octave to the tone that gets his blood heated in two seconds flat. "So tonight _I_ win." She pushes him roughly down onto the bed. "I've captured _you_."

It takes her a few minutes to gather the necessary items while Barney waits on the bed lying flat against the pillows, obediently playing the role of prisoner, but soon Robin has handcuffs, a feather, a bowl of ice cubes, a cat o' nine tails, and a pot of fondue chocolate – her own special modification on hot wax – sitting on the nightstand with several more props waiting in reserve in the suitcases for later.

"You've been bad," she tells him, kneeling beside his hip on the bed. "And now I'm going to extract what I want from you."

"Oh there's no need to extract it, baby. It'll shoot out on its own before you know it."

She gives him a disgusted look but strips him down to his underwear all the same, in the process just slightly brushing him in ways she knows he likes but without giving him the full satisfaction of actual caresses. Once she has him spread out before her, she smiles in wicked anticipation. "Time to torture you a little."

Barney sits up in a flash and before she knows what's happening he's reached behind her and unzipped her unitard. In retaliation she quickly captures his hands and cuffs him to the bed.

Shackled and unable to move, he still looks her up and down appreciatively. "The best way to torture me is to take off that suit."

Robin gives a naughty laugh. "You know, I think I will." She gets naked slowly so he can look and want her but be powerless to do anything about it. Once she's completely undressed she inches back up onto the bed, crawling deliberately over to him on her hands and knees to keep him guessing what she'll do next. When she gets close enough she moves a leg over him and Barney grins lustfully, waiting for her to come to him, but she stops just short, straddling his thigh instead and using it to pleasure herself, getting him all excited while he can't do a thing to reach for her. It's exquisite torture; he was right. Once she has him visibly squirming she moves to straddle him properly, hovering over right where he needs her but remaining just out of contact. She's close enough for him to feel the warmth of her body, and the phantom sensation of her – the need to feel her for real – is driving him crazy. It's literally making him sweat.

Seeing the affect she's having on him is empowering for Robin, to be able to make him this hot for her with very little effort. To have this much full and total control, to have him completely at her mercy, quivering with need for her, is an immense turn-on. "How much do you want me?" she whispers, sliding her hands over his bare chest.

"You can see how much," he chokes out.

"Yes, I can," she smiles smugly, a look that on her he finds all the more sexy. Keeping her eyes glued to his, she glides her hands down to the waistband of his boxer briefs, feeling his abdominal muscles jump beneath her fingers. She can see in his expression how very much he wants more, but the power is entirely in her hands. Still holding his gaze, she reaches down and frees him from his underwear, touching him just enough to watch his eyes roll back in pleasure and then immediately stopping.

He groans in soft protest but when he opens his eyes they dance with amused enjoyment of her. "You're a wicked little minx, Night Falcon."

"Get used to it, Fire Eagle," she purrs. "I've only just gotten started. You haven't even begun to experience the kind of sweet torture I'm about to deliver. But I promise you'll soon be fully cooperative….and by the end we'll both get what we want."

* * *

><p>Later that night before falling asleep, Barney holds Robin in his arms, her head resting on his upper chest with their hands entwined against his hip on the mattress. "Do the others know the truth about what we do?" she wonders aloud, the fingers of her free hand skimming over his belly button. "The whole Night Falcon, Fire Eagle thing? I know they suspect you're involved. Marshall hasn't questioned it because he can't, but he told Lily and Ted – and they've asked plenty of questions."<p>

"They don't know and they don't _want_ to know," Barney scoffs. "They're not ready for it. Ted didn't even like getting his ass slapped by you in bed, not to mention all the running and firearms are too much for his delicate constitution. And while I'm sure Lily would love to have a go with one of your French ticklers, Marshall would be horrified. Plus he'd lawyer us and say the whole thing is illegal."

Robin grins. "You're probably right. They wouldn't understand. But….we're not giving it up now that we're about to get married, are we?" she asks, glancing up at him.

He gives her a silent _please_ look. "We're not giving _anything_ up, lest of all our mind-blowing sex life. We're only adding to it: a new name, a new marriage, a new life together."

Satisfied at that answer, Robin stretches up to kiss Barney. Then, sighing sleepily, she snuggles back down against him. For a several minutes the only sound is the gentle rain falling outside, and in this second in time at least – despite their dead minister and her ongoing feud with his mother – everything feels peaceful and content.

"You know, I've been thinking about this whole lone wolf thing," Barney tells her in the darkness, "and it's not that I ever _wanted_ to exclude you. I'd just been so used to going it alone, on my own."

"Me too. That's been our default setting."

"But I still would've shared it with you afterwards, the original No Questions Asked in Lily's room and my second plan to get her phone back from the lobby. I would have told you all about it."

"I know you would have. In the most elaborate and theatrical way possible," Robin smiles. "And I would have told you afterwards too. Are you kidding? I'd hardly be able to wait to brag to you about it."

"See, so we don't really have all that much work to do. We already want to share things with each other."

"Yes, and that shows we're _not_ off in our own worlds. Not anymore."

"Your world _is_ my world," Barney vows.

"Yeah," Robin nods, and the soft curls of her hair tickle his chest; if he lives until forever it's a feeling he could never get enough of. "We just have to learn to share it _together_, while it's happening, instead of waiting till it's done to tell the other."

"Right. And we had great practice today, even if Marshall didn't end up needing us."

"I have fun planning things with you."

He gathers her closer, exhaling a long, happy sigh of his own. "So do I." She's been his favorite playmate and fellow purveyor of schemes for the past seven and a half years and there hasn't been a single dull moment. "Robin, you are a devilish little mastermind."

She laughs soft and low. "I've learned from the best….It just goes to show we already make a great team."

"One hell of a team. And in our Barnman and Robin team – "

"Night Falcon and Fire Eagle."

"R-train and B-nasty."

"Sparkles and _Swarley_," she giggles.

He shoots her a look but lets it go. "Whatever name we go by, our team will only get even stronger with time..."

* * *

><p><strong>Six Months Later<strong>

* * *

><p>Robin is sitting on the couch in her pajamas drinking her morning coffee from her Canadian flag mug when their picture on the entertainment center from Halloween catches her eye again. They had to do something a little more family-friendly than MacLaren's this year since little Marvin was now old enough to appreciate the holiday – and with Ted practically ovulating, wanting a child of his own to take around trick-or-treating. So they had a big party out at Ted's house instead. She and Barney went as Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein as a clever play on their newlywed status.<p>

The dip of the couch from her husband sitting down beside her pulls Robin from her thoughts. He too is still in just his pajama bottoms, sipping from his Bon Jovi mug of coffee, and it makes for a relaxing morning in. They have four days plus the weekend off for American Thanksgiving, which they're going to celebrate with the five of them and Ted's girlfriend who has quickly become the sixth member of the gang.

"_So_…." Barney says, nudging her shoulder with his. "Today's the 26th. I remembered."

She nods, acting like it's just another date, giving nothing away at all.

"Oh don't act like you don't know what today is," he razzes her.

Robin turns to him, grinning brightly. "Our sixth month anniversary."

"Yes, it is." He smiles back and the moment draws out heavy and sentimental between them until the ping of Barney's phone interrupts. Bending, he picks it up from the coffee table, snorting as he reads the message. "It's nine in the morning and already Ted just sent us a congratulatory text. Look." Barney tilts the screen for Robin to see. "He says he would've called but he didn't want to be too loud and wake up his precious girlfriend." Barney accompanies the statement with an eye roll. "Now that he's actually got a girlfriend again Ted's turned into such a chick."

"Please," Robin laughs, seeing right through him. "Three days ago when your mom called and woke us up, _you_ were whispering on the phone because you thought I was still asleep."

"That's different."

"How?"

"You're my _wife_," he expounds. "And being the wife of the Barnacle entitles you to many perks, including sleeping in."

She links her arm through his. "Ah, okay, I see. So it's just the title that makes the difference, hmm? I seem to recall you bringing me breakfast in bed on several occasions before we were married, and don't get me started on the many favors you've shown me in bed _from that very first time_…."

"Well that's for me too." She smiles at him and he moves his hand down to stroke her knee through her jeans. "But yeah, you're right. It's not about the title; it's just _you_. And, besides, when hasn't Ted treated every blind date like the future Mrs. Mosby anyway?"

"True, but this one's different. Old Teddy Westside's met his match. I predict it; this one's sticking.

Barney nods his approval at that. The rest of them have already found their happiness. It's about time Ted finally found the One too – at the very least just so he can stop moaning about it all the time. He figures it's all pretty fitting. This girl's like a female Ted with her own calligraphy set and all, and she helped him through a confusing moment of change just like Ted unknowingly did when they first met.

"And, hey," Robin adds, "at least that means he got some, right?"

"Nice," Barney smirks, and they don't even have to look to complete the exploding fist bump they both just naturally felt coming.

In the wake of her soft giggles he turns his body on the couch to face her completely. "So how are we going to celebrate this momentous occasion? We've gotta make a plan together." She looks up and smiles; he came to her right away without dashing off first with his own ideas. "Huh?" he grins, nodding his head vigorously, clearly proud of the progress they've made. "Not such lone wolves anymore, are we?"

"No. We're not." She takes his hand in both of hers, beaming happily, and that's all that needs to be said on the subject; they both fully understand. "I don't know what we should do," she ponders. "What's the most 'us'?"

"A half dozen beers, a Piramide, and the replay of the Jets/Ravens game we missed on Sunday because of Ted's frou-frou couples brunch. And I take advantage of you on the couch during half time."

"Mmm, sounds tempting, but that would be just like a typical Sunday then," Robin points out. "This is Tuesday and far from typical."

"A little Night Falcon and Fire Eagle action?" Barney suggests instead. "I could call up the group for an extra day."

"Nah, my shoulder's still sore from that barrel roll that went wrong last week."

"We could go out to a club?" he offers.

"Ugh, I'm too old for that stuff."

He chuckles softly. "Okay then. I'm a good husband. Let's do our half-anniversary up right: romantic dinner and a movie, lady's choice."

"That's nice, Barney, but I don't know what we'd see."

"The theater then?"

"Hmm….I don't really feel like getting all dressed up, first day off of work and all."

"So something to celebrate us that's not too everyday but also not too fancy? Alright, Stinson." He throws her a wink at his new nickname for her. It's a takeoff on how he used to call her Scherbatsky back in the day. "I've got the perfect plan that couldn't be more 'us'. We'll start at the cigar bar and then go back to the Natural History Museum and touch a bunch of stuff."

Robin's eyes light up. It's been years since those nights and today she feels like reliving old times. "I really wanna do that!" she exclaims excitedly. "And then we'll go to laser tag."

Barney gasps. "_Really_?"

"Yeah. It's been too long since we showed those brats who owns the place." This time their hands connect in a high five, sight unseen.

"Then afterwards we'll go to MacLaren's for drinks," he puts in.

"Absolutely. And then back home, where we'll play several rounds of Battleship – and, yes, I do mean the internationally recognized euphemism for sex." She gives him that look that still gets his heart racing. "_Lots_ of sex."

"Robin?" he grins widely.

She smiles at his enthusiasm. "Yes, Barney."

"We have the _perfect_ marriage."

Robin runs her bare foot over his, her toes teasing up his ankle. "_Yeah _we do."

Humming happily, Barney offers a toast. "To the best sixth months of our lives." Smiling, they clink a 'cheers' with their breakfast mugs.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>I just wanted to give a quick thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review or even just read my story. It's been a fun two and half seasons writing my own personal interpretation of the characters and episodes, and it always continues to feel good that anyone is interested in reading more. Getting a chance this season to skip around in time and even write a flashforward for this chapter was particularly fun. Hopefully I can slip in another flashforward or two (or more!) before the series is over.

If you'll indulge me, I'll also give one shameless plug for the new "How I Met Your Mother and Philosophy" book. It's a non-fiction anthology featuring 17 chapters/ theses on the show as part of Open Court Publishing's Popular Culture and Philosophy Series – and I am one of the authors, with a character study on Robin that of course heavily features the Barney/Robin relationship. But there are a wide range of other HIMYM subjects included so anyone with a love of the show would enjoy taking a look! (You can find it at Amazon or Barnes and Noble or just google it.)


	56. 908

**AN**: This is a super long chapter as I've included in it all of the stuff I wrote for Robin's infertility way back in the summer between Season 7 and Season 8. I've been waiting all this time (wondering if Barney knew and when he found out) to know where to ultimately place it. I really had expected to hear something long before 9.08 but now that it's finally happened (and in a way where it will happily all connect!) I can post it. That means there are a few lengthy flashbacks in this chapter in addition to the stuff happening in the present.

* * *

><p><strong>The Lighthouse<strong>

* * *

><p>Come Saturday morning, Barney wakes up with a smile. They'd had quite a time last night. He starts to stir in bed and his hand immediately brushes against something hard and cold beside his pillow. Opening one eye, he discovers the handcuffs half hanging off the mattress and his smile widens. Night Falcon had struck again.<p>

Things got so wild they never even bothered to throw on pajamas afterwards, as is their normal routine. They were so exhausted they just yanked up the covers and crashed out. Barney is looking forward to thousands more nights like that one for the rest of their lives. For now though, they have to get up and go down to the buffet where their family and friends will be waiting for them.

But not before a little morning somethin'-somthin'. After a night like they had Lil' Barney should be tuckered out but he's a diligent soldier, like an alcoholic – a sexaholic; better still, a Robinaholic! – who gets it all the time yet still craves more and more. Reaching over to the nightstand, Barney grabs his phone and eyes the time on the display: 7:37. Time enough to get some bang, bang, bangity bang action in before going down to meet the others.

Rolling over, he discovers that Robin is already awake too….but her eyes are fixed on the ceiling of their room. He knows right away that something's bothering her and he props up on his elbow, softly touching her arm. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Robin blows out a heavy breath, turning her head on the pillow to look at him. "I have to face your mother today." She already made peace with James last night but she knows it won't be nearly so easy with Loretta. "I'm mentally preparing myself."

"Oh stop that," he makes light of it. "It's gonna be fine."

"Clearly you've never seen a girl fight."

"I've seen exactly seventeen, and they each were amazing. You also know I'd pay good money to see _you_ in one, but you refuse." Cutting her off preemptively, he adds, "The Canadian bar brawls don't count. They're mostly with guys and consist of you throwing chairs and breaking noses. Impressive, but not exactly the kind of stuff I want to see in a girl fight."

She knows it's a mistake asking but she never could resist playing along. "Which is what exactly?"

"The standard stuff: pulling of hair, ripping off of clothes, maybe an inadvertent boob slap that turns into a squeeze, and from there it's anything goes…."

Robin shakes her head at him. "You're a mess." He just snickers proudly. "And you want me to rip off your _mom's_ clothes?"

"No," Barney answers adamantly. "Don't ever make me see her down to her bra again."

While her fiancé shudders, Robin gets back to the point at hand. "What I meant is you don't realize how ugly this could get. We're two very determined – "

"Stubborn," he interrupts under his breath and then inserts a cough.

" – women," Robin finishes with narrowed eyes at him calling her stubborn. "And I've told you, you're supposed to cough over the word not afterwards."

"And I told _you_ I'm starting a new thing," he counters.

Robin is the first to break, cracking a small smirk. "Baby, it's been years. Your inspiration for the cough being separate is _not_ taking off."

"You just wait; it's gonna be a thing."

"I don't know….I think you've had better ideas."

Barney reaches down and takes her hand, his thumb playing over her engagement ring. "This was a pretty good one."

"Yeah, it was," Robin smiles. Looking up at him, the reality of what they're doing sinks in afresh. "We're getting _married_ tomorrow, Barney." She grins in amazement and he lets out a happy little laugh.

"We are," he confirms, inching back down beside her. "And I know a great way to celebrate right now." He bends to bring his mouth to hers and she readily kisses him back. That's all the encouragement he needs to take it further, lifting the sheet and gliding his body onto hers.

Only a few moments later, however, Robin breaks their kiss. "But, see, that is exactly what Loretta has a problem with." Barney doesn't let her talking deter him. He just reroutes, kissing along her jaw. "She doesn't want you to have a wife. _She_ wants to keep being number one in your life."

His mouth is against her neck now and he scarcely pauses in his kiss to say, "Well if that's true, she's just going to have to get used to it."

"It _is_ true," Robin insists. "She wants to take you away from me, and I won't let that happen. You're _mine_."

This is a slightly different form than your typical jealousy but it's still fighting over him and Barney finds her possessiveness sexy. "Yes I am. And that means…." He kisses the corner of her mouth. "….you…." He kisses the other corner of her mouth. "….are mine." He looks down at her softly and she smiles, moving her arms go up around his shoulders. "Hmm, I'm about to make you mine," he whispers, hungrily kissing her mouth again and then back down to her neck as his hand slowly slides up her thigh.

He clearly wants sex but Robin doesn't mind the lack of subtlety since she's almost always up for it too, now included. By the time he progresses to kissing down her chest, a soft sigh escapes her and her fingers glide up to the back of his head, holding his mouth pressed to her skin. But even as her body heats up for him, her mind is still preoccupied with this business with his mother. While his lips continue to work her over, she considers aloud, "I just wish Loretta would back down and admit your place is with me now and her mommy-ing days are – "

Barney pulls back from what he's doing and it makes her stop midsentence. "Robin, when your nipple is in my mouth and I'm approaching third base could you please not talk about my mom?"

"Sorry." She clears her throat and adjusts in the bed, trying to focus only on what they're doing right now. "Go ahead."

He gives her an insulted look. "_Go ahead_?"

"No, seriously, you can – " In an instant his hand glides the rest of the way up her inner thigh and he touches her just right, making her gasp. Under his skilled fingers she's soon riveted and eager, her eyes rolling shut in pleasure. "Ohhh – okay," Robin breathes. "You have my full attention."

"That's more like it," Barney grins, his open mouth diving back onto her breast.

* * *

><p>With her head resting against Barney's shoulder and his fingers lazily stroking over her legs beneath the covers, it's Robin's growling stomach that eventually rouses them from their peaceful afterglow.<p>

She lets him talk her into another joint shower "to save time", and though he gets a little handsy it's mostly aboveboard. But as he watches her cover up in a towel afterwards she can tell from that gleam in his eyes that he has an appetite for more than just the buffet waiting downstairs. He wants one of their lazy mornings of sex followed by twenty minute food-drink-and-rest breaks and then more sex, alternating that way until the early afternoon.

Proving her point, a few minutes in to making a show of _slowly_ picking out a new suit he doesn't really want to put on yet, Barney conveys, "You know, we still have champagne left from last night, so there's plenty to drink up here. And there are those room service strawberries we never ate with the melted chocolate – since you put it on other things."

"It's not happening," she laughs, kissing him gently as she steps aside to choose her undergarments from the drawer.

"What?" he asks innocently.

"I know you," she heads off his wheedling before he can even get started. "And I'm starving. We're not missing breakfast because you want Round Two. Anyway, better save your strength for tomorrow night and our honeymoon – when we _will_ be going all day."

"Alright," he concedes with a grin. "I'll save it for the honeymoon."

"Besides, you know we have to meet the others." She sighs dreadingly. "Loretta and all."

"How about this? I'll get dressed in the next five minutes – you know I can," he throws her a wink her way, a callback to their days of quick escapes during their secret summer. "And then I'll fix all of this."

Indeed, five minutes later he's all set to walk out the door. "You finish getting ready and I'll go calm down my mom. Then by the time you get there the two of you can have a civil conversation."

"Okay," Robin smiles, leaning in to kiss him.

"And just think," Barney tells her, "in thirty-two and a half hours we're getting married." After one more kiss, he heads down to the dining room, leaving her alone in the room.

Alone to reflect, ruminate, plot. Because Barney's plan is a sound one on the surface but he has yet to fully understand the passive-aggressive ways of women. His mother is not about to let this go that easily no matter what she'll say to him, therefore neither is Robin. That's why she comes up with a little insurance plan in the form of Loretta's shirt to put the woman right in her place over breakfast.

But before she gets dressed she grabs her phone. Her heart falls a little when she sees there are still no messages from her mom. She'd encouraged her to come in back on Friday since they haven't seen each other in years, but her mom insisted that Saturday was plenty of time. Still, Robin can't understand why she hasn't heard from her by now. The flight was coming in very early this morning and she was supposed to call her as soon as the plane landed.

Giving up on waiting, Robin dials her mom's number herself. But after several rings it goes to voice mail just like it did last night. She has no choice but to leave yet another message and then try to clear her mind for the moment. She can only deal with one mother at a time today. Though it would certainly be nice if _her_ mom was here to support her in this….or, you know, maybe just meet her fiancé for the first time.

* * *

><p>Barney – complete with embarrassing sexual reference he just couldn't help and all – has barely finished talking down his mom and convincing her to play nice when Robin walks in proclaiming, "Morning, bitches", taunting Loretta by wearing her blouse.<p>

It was a tactical move on Robin's part. She had to come in with her guard up and a hard exterior on display, showing her future mother-in-law that she's not backing down in the fight for Barney.

Barney, for his part, is hoping to neutralize the fight altogether and simply keep the peace. With that in mind, he suggests Robin go hit the buffet too, hoping some good food will help tone down the hostility, or at least keep them too busy to fight.

But Robin doesn't appreciate Loretta's continued insults – now for her food choices – insinuating she's going to get fat. Barney immediately chastises his mom for her comments and it's gratifying to see him defending her that way. Yet, a second later he's going on and on about how fantastic Loretta is at making scrambled eggs – literally the queen.

Robin's sick of hearing Loretta's merits. She's had enough of how her sons consider her the perfect mom. Loretta makes the perfect eggs, and she calls Barney every day, and they have such a super-close relationship that she's fighting tooth and nail for and feeling such strong resentment for no longer being the number one person in the life of her little Wuv Wuv.

Meanwhile _she_ never talks to her mom, or about her mom, or has much of a relationship with her mom at all. Which is obviously the way her mom prefers it….Her mom who still hasn't bothered to show up.

It's that self-consciousness and insecurity about the shortcomings of her relationship with her own mother that causes Robin to insist that _her_ mom makes the best scrambles egg. Her mother may not have a sweet little nickname for her or talk to her all the time but Robin's at least going to claim the egg thing…..even though, in truth, her mom only made her eggs a single day in her life: the morning she announced she was packing up and leaving her dad – and by the way she was only taking Katie; Robin was staying behind.

Barney watches things escalate from his place beside Robin and he only wants to protect her and keep her from embarrassing herself and getting her feelings hurt. But by the time she's pouring maple syrup all over herself and his mom's blouse he knows there's no way to avoid this. At the same time, he also knows she can't win the egg war.

Still, Barney valiantly tries to lie to make her feel better, but he can't manage it. Even Lily can't. The other guests of the hotel are all raving about Loretta's glorious scrambled eggs too.

So, alright, Robin gets it. Loretta is mom of the year. Better than her mom. Someone like that, with a bond like that, is going to be a formidable force to compete with in Barney's life. But Robin's not about to admit that she's actually quite envious of the mother/child relationship Loretta and Barney have.

Feeling defensive and cornered, she calls _her_ mom in retaliation, hoping to just get her here already, but the call goes to voice mail again. Robin leaves yet another message but as she does so reality catches up with her. She knows as soon as her mom does get in she's going to want a hot bath and quiet "me time" – her meditation hours, her mother used to call it, when Robin wasn't allowed to talk to her or approach her in any way. Her mom won't have time to deal with this silly egg business. Robin's well familiar with the sort of lectures that come from "bothering her with every little thing". Nevertheless, she needs her mom here with her to show up Loretta.….And because she's getting married. If ever a woman needs her mother, it's for her wedding. But her mom is quite literally nowhere to be found.

"Did people ever line up like this for your mom's eggs?" Loretta taunts.

That unknowingly hits a sore spot. Because they absolutely did not. Her mom isn't exactly warm and welcoming. She's not about to win any awards in the nurturing department. But that just puts Robin all the more on the defensive, leading to the claim that even _she_ could make better eggs than this.

Barney watches her carry it as far as actually going to stand before the cooking station. He knows that she doesn't know a thing about cooking eggs. Robin's no homemaker. There are only a select number of things she can cook and scrambled eggs aren't one of them. He tried to avoid this but at least he can be there for her, giving her silent support and a soft place to land when she's ultimately bested by his mom.

Robin has the eggs in her hand but no idea what to do with them. She asks for an egg opener and in its absence tries to pre-scramble them by hand, but she can see from the look Barney's giving her that it isn't right. Finally, she has to just admit defeat. Yes, her background is as dysfunctional as they come. She has as terrible a relationship with her mother as she's had with her father. Domesticity and family life are not her strong points. Until she was taken under the wing of this group of four friends those seven and a half years ago she had no idea what a true family even was. "Okay fine, Loretta. You know what? You win. I don't know how to cook egg." She braces herself for Loretta's gloating but is not at all prepared for what comes next.

"If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs I just worry what kind of breakfast you're going to be serving my grandchildren."

As soon as she mentions grandchildren Barney's expression tightens. For Robin's sake he really wishes his mom hadn't said that. Of course she has no way of knowing it's like picking at a wound, but _he_ knows.

Robin blinks and looks down. She feels like she's just been slapped. It still feels that way whenever she has to talk about or acknowledge it, acknowledge _them_. Loretta's grandchildren. _Her_ children with Barney that can never be. They faded away from that couch a year and a half ago, never to be anything more than figments of her imagination.

She feels the telltale sting of tears across the bridge of her nose and behind her eyes and Robin struggles to hold it together as she answers her. "Well lucky you, because that is one thing you won't ever have to worry about." And isn't that just going to be a field day for Loretta to learn that not only did she have an awful home life growing up _and_ she can't cook or be some sort of domestic goddess herself, but she can't even give Barney children either. She has to get out of here. She can't stay a single minute more and give this woman the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Walking out from behind the table, Robin twists her mouth, fighting to hold back tears until she gets someplace where they all can't see her.

Barney knows how upset Robin is. He knows every last turn of her countenance and he can plainly see that she's trying mightily to keep it together in front of everyone. His heart breaks for her, and watching her walk away he wants to go after her immediately. Naturally, that's his first instinct. But he knows Robin. She wouldn't want him stopping her. She's like a wounded animal and what she needs right now is to go off into a quiet, secluded, safe space to deal with this and regroup.

There's the matter of his mother too. She needs to know how much she just inadvertently hurt Robin so that it never happens again. In some ways this might be his fault. Maybe he should have proactively told his mom to prevent something like this and spare Robin that pain. But it honestly doesn't matter to him; hence it didn't feel important enough to tell. He also didn't want to draw any undue attention to Robin or the situation considering what a sensitive issue it is for her. That certainly backfired on him. "Mom, Robin can't have kids." He spares his mother a single glance before looking back after Robin, now in the lobby and disappearing up the stairs.

Shocked, his mother questions, "What did you say?"

"There are medical issues and Robin can't ever have a child."

Loretta instantly feels bad for her faux pas. It may be anything goes in their fight for Barney but she hadn't meant to hit that far below the belt. "I – I didn't know."

"I know you didn't, Mom. It's not your fault," he assures her distractedly. "But I can't talk about this now. I need to go to her." He barely waits for his mother's nod before walking away.

Barney is sure that Robin has retreated to the privacy of their room, and he's fairly certain what state he's going to find her in when he gets there. Most days, most of the time, under most conditions, Robin is fine with her infertility diagnosis, but he knows that underneath it all it can still be painful for her, knowing that biological children are never going to be an option for them and feeling – no matter how he tells her to the contrary – like that's her fault.

It's always the hardest when these things come out of left field and hit her unprepared. He still remembers the little hiccup they had the night they first got back together. He didn't mean anything by it but he could tell that it upset her nonetheless…..

* * *

><p>December 2012<p>

* * *

><p>They got engaged tonight. Barney asked Robin to marry him and she actually said yes. They finally, <em>finally<em> admitted how much they love each other and have all along, and now they're back at his apartment, reconnecting – horizontally speaking.

He's just finished tasting every inch of her and it's wonderful to be able to be with her this way again. He's wanted this for so long, and on top of that is the pleasure that inherently comes from pleasuring her. As she's recovering from her orgasm he slowly kisses his way back up her body, taking his time about it, igniting another wave of wanting in her. When his mouth eventually reaches hers she's more than ready for him, bending her legs and bringing her knees up to either side of his waist. Barney's aching to be inside her again for the first time in more than a year – and this time without any guilt, without any secrets, just freely loving each other.

He knows; it's not that he's forgotten what Robin told him seven weeks ago but it's the furthest thing from his mind. He just stupidly _isn't_ thinking and goes into rote instinct and habit. They're about to have sex and sex equals a need for protection.

Mid-kiss he starts to move off of her and she pulls him back, desperate to maintain the contact, arching her hips up into his in encouragement. Barney is amused and delighted at her eagerness. It's a hell of a turn-on actually, and he assures her, "I'm not going anywhere. I just need to get a condom."

His words are like a momentary shot of ice water for Robin because it's an instant reminder of the fact that she isn't quite whole. Unlike other women, she knows all too well that no condom is necessary with her. Still, she always used one with Kevin and Nick. Maybe it was another barrier between them, figuratively and literally. She doesn't want to ruin the moment by getting into it with Barney now, but they don't need it to prevent pregnancy and he hasn't been with anyone else in two months and was _always_ safe when he did – one hundred percent wearing condoms, getting tested, everything you can do.

…..And this is the man she loves, who is going to be her husband. With Barney she feels like she has to say something, in case it's slipped his mind. "We don't need one," she reminds him, and something that sounds like doubt with perhaps a touch of pain colors her voice.

Barney noticed the change in Robin's expression the moment he mentioned needing a condom. The reason why came slamming into him a second later and though it's too late now he could kick himself for saying anything at all. He strokes her hair, gently rubbing his thumb over her check. "We don't need _anything_," he promises. "Just each other."

She doesn't reply, because what is there to say? But she believes him, and she smiles softly at the sentiment.

When he sees her smile, Barney leans in and kisses, whispering against her lips, "I love you, Robin." And it doesn't take long to get lost in each other again.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>Everything was new and almost surreal that night. They were basking in the knowledge that they both love each other, as well as the fact that they're actually going to get married. With all of that newness and so much to celebrate it was fairly easy to make Robin feel loved and adored, to completely forget about anything else.<p>

But since then, while planning their future together and particularly with Robin's recent experiences with baby Marvin, it's come up now and then. Each time he can see how much it really does hurt her, both to acknowledge it at all and because she feels like it means there's something wrong with her and she's somehow letting him down – which he's told her is just ridiculous as far as he's concerned. Yet it's still a delicate area for her, and that's something he always tries to be mindful of.

Opening up the door to their suite, Barney finds Robin sitting on the sofa, stripped out of his mom's blouse but still wearing the black tank she had on underneath, now slightly sticky with maple syrup. She's made no further move to change, however, as she sits there staring through the slider doors out onto the beach.

Barney quietly closes the door behind him and makes his way over to sit down beside her. "Are you okay?" he asks gently.

"Yeah" is her faint response. But then she looks over at him for the first time since he came into the room and he can see that her eyes are heavy with tears, belying her answer.

"Robin," he softly expresses, taking her hand in his. "This is me."

It _is_ him; that means she can tell him anything. And the gentle love in his tone and expression, the sweet way he's rubbing her hand, is almost enough to make her breakdown on the spot. "It's just….sometimes it's still hard," she admits, unshed tears clogging her voice.

"I know." He rubs her arm tenderly and that small outpouring of love and comfort proves too much for Robin to hold it together any longer.

"Every mother can make scrambled eggs," she bursts out, heavy with emotion borderlining on anger. "But _I_ don't get to. I don't even have the choice. That's never going to be me…..Or you." The resentment drains from her voice, fizzling out as quickly as it came, and what's left behind is so small and sad it's barely a whisper. "I can't make you eggs, Barney."

"Don't need em," he promises as if it's nothing at all, because to him it is. He's completely indifferent to the presence of children. All he ever wanted was _her_. "We talked about this, remember?"

After her initial revelation back in the fall, they never discussed Robin's infertility outside of a few short sentences. It simply didn't matter to him so he just followed her cues. If and when she wanted to talk about it he'd be there for her, but he wasn't going to push her or make a big deal out of what he felt – and still feels – is a nonissue. And for the longest time Robin didn't say anything. Until that night in early March.

Lily had been busy _a lot_ with her then-new art consultant position, and she and Marshall barely had any time together. However the Captain was called away for the weekend on business and it provided Marshall and Lily with their first chance to have a date night together – or _any_ kind of night together – in weeks. Unfortunately, as it so happened, Mickey was unavailable to watch Marvin that night and Ted was busy too with a university event. But ever since she first held him, Robin had been bonding with Marvin every chance she got and volunteered herself as babysitter for the night.

Lily and Marshall tried to be encouraging of Robin's newfound acceptance of babies, especially given her circumstances, but in light of her inexperience they were somewhat leery of leaving their infant son in her care for an entire evening, but they also knew that Barney would be there – which wasn't saying all that much more, except he does have considerable experience looking after his nephew and niece and keeping them in one piece. So they took off for a night out but they insisted that Robin and Barney watch Marvin at their apartment, in a familiar atmosphere where all of his things would be readily available.

And it was that breakthrough of Marvin bringing out her nurturing side in combination with the two of them as a couple being left alone with a baby for the night that finally led Robin to open up to Barney about her infertility…

* * *

><p>March 2013<p>

* * *

><p>Nine month old Marvin is cheerfully sitting on Barney's lap on the couch when Robin goes into his nursery to fetch the treasured item that get left behind. She walks back out just in time to see Marvin reach up for Barney's tie and tug on it. Barney sputters exaggeratedly, like he's choking, and the baby laughs – right before stuffing the end of Barney's tie into his mouth and gumming it.<p>

"Hey, that's Italian silk!" Barney cries good-naturedly, pulling the tie back away from the child to reveal a darkened circle of droll at the bottom of the fabric. "That young Marvin is called a tie; Fairfax is this one's particular name. I can understand the confusion since you don't see them much on your dad – or your Uncle Ted – but they're for wearing, not eating."

Robin comes to sit down beside them, grinning. "Remember, Marvin," she says, tickling the baby's leg. "Uncle Barney got you one for Christmas."

"I _did_," he recalls in sudden outrage, looking up at Robin. "And they never put it on him."

Smiling, she shakes her head. "Such a crime."

"They'd better actually have him wear the three piece suit I bought him for our wedding."

While Barney is distracted with sartorial indignation, Marvin picks up his tie again and starts shoving it towards his mouth but Robin intercedes, lightly tugging it back out of his grasp. "Here." She puts his binky into his mouth. "Try this instead.

"That's better. The only kind of droll that should ever be on your tie is from the ladies, am I right?" Barney laughs at his own joke. "Tiny five!" he declares and proceeds to lift his hand up to the baby's, doing just that, to Marvin's amused smile. Then he turns to Robin, nodding in satisfaction at their accomplishment. "Look at us, not even two hours in and we're already teaching him how to live."

"Yeah, don't think I didn't notice you playing him "Let's Go to the Mall" on your phone while I was warming his dinner."

"He _has_ to know all about your Robin Sparkles past."

"Of course he does."

"It's up to us to pass it on to the next generation…..But not _Space Teens_. Not until he's at least eighteen. That show is inappropriate for children." Robin rolls her eyes, but Barney continues. "On second thought, make that twenty-one. We don't want to give him any confusing ideas about his Aunt Robin."

She lets out a frustrated huff of air at his continued abuse of the innocent and educational _Space Teens_ series. "That is a sweet, wholesome show."

"Not the way you did it for me on Valentine's Day," he says, covering the side of his mouth so the baby can't hear.

"Well, we won't show him _that_ tape."

Barney chuckles wickedly and high fives the baby again; after all, he is a fellow bro in training.

He starts bouncing him up in the air in front of him and Robin watches as Marvin gurgles and giggles happily. She also notes the equally blissed-out expression on her fiancé's face. Sobered by the knowledge that Barney's not only a complete natural with kids but looks content and right at home with a baby in his hands, she comments quietly, "You're really good with him."

"Babies love me," Barney boasts, setting Marvin back down on his lap, one had supporting him at the waist. The baby promptly grabs onto a finger of his uncle's free hand, wiggling it about.

The whole picture is almost too adorable for words.

Taking a deep breath for courage, Robin decides she has to go there. It's time. Probably past time. He knew when he proposed; it's true. But still she feels like it needs to be said. Or rather _she_ needs to hear it directly from him. "Barney, are you sure you're okay with not having….this." She gestures down to the child in his arms.

It's the first time Robin's approached the topic and Barney immediately looks up at her, understanding the seriousness of this conversation. Catching and holding her eyes with his, he's quick to assure her, "_Yes_. I am."

"Because you – you know, I mean you _do_ remember..." She breaks his gaze, looking down at the baby. "I can't give you that."

Barney pulls his finger from Marvin's grasp to set his hand atop Robin's. "You give me everything."

Robin smiles softly at his implication that he isn't missing fatherhood or the children she can't provide him. She'd already explained to Barney just exactly what her medical condition is after they'd first gotten back together. It wasn't anything she wanted to talk about but he'd noticed her taking her hormone pills, which are in truth just birth control – what is commonly used to treat the day-to-day effects of her condition – and of course that seemed odd. Just the fact that she has to take a daily pill at all left him concerned about her overall health until she explained it and assured him that she's fine.

She'd informed him of the bare bones medical facts, but told him nothing more and they've never spoken of it since. But his reassurance now and just _everything_ lately – planning their marriage and future together, bonding with Marvin and realizing through him that she could've made a good mother, that though he is so very small she can hold a baby and not break him, that she can love the little guy to pieces even though he sometimes does mess his diaper – it's made her come to terms with her diagnosis all over again and begin to revisit that long ago Christmas she hasn't talked to anyone about. "Barney, I – I never told you how I first found out."

He nods encouragingly, not wanting to say anything to interrupt her train of thought or stop this sudden sharing. He's very interested to hear not just how she found out but how she _feels_ about this, because she never talks about it. She doesn't like to. Emotional things have always been tricky for Robin, but they've gotten to a place where she can freely talk to him about almost anything. Still, he gets the impression that this in particular is a very painful and distressing subject for her to think about let alone discuss.

Robin notices Marvin starting to fuss and she reaches over and takes him from Barney; it gives her something to do with her hands as she starts her difficult story. She rocks the baby in her arms and he quiets, settling against her. It takes the edge off enough to finally be able to share and relive that time. "Remember when we slept together and we thought I was pregnant?"

"But you weren't," Barney says carefully.

"No, I wasn't," she confirms.

"And then we did that dance to celebrate," he reminds her, hoping that will be helpful in easing her mind and keeping her from thinking he has any burning desire for a child.

"But that's not all there is to the story. After we did our little dance, I went home and a few days later the doctor called back. They'd done some additional tests. I wasn't pregnant but there was the matter of _why_ I thought I was and what was causing those symptoms. They asked me to come back in to tell me something in person." She stops and glances down at Marvin, stroking his little hand as his eyes droop closed in slumber.

Barney has a fair idea of where this is going and he hurts for her knowing this is how it happened. To go from being sure she's pregnant – even if it's not something she wanted at the time – to hearing that, for her, it's actually impossible had to be a poignantly difficult thing to endure.

"And that's how I found out I was never going to have another pregnancy scare again," she tells him, confirming what he already figured out. Even now, it's still difficult for Robin to remember that day, the pain of hearing 'You can never have a baby', the finality of it. "Ovaries broken," she laughs humorlessly. "Turns out I never had to worry because my body can't produce a kid anyway. I guess it knew best."

Barney can see her eyes starting to tear up. "Robin – "

"No, it's alright. I've made my peace with it." She gets up and gently sets a sleeping Marvin in his play yard beside the couch in case he wakes up in a few minutes, which she fully expects. "But," she turns back to Barney, bracing herself for the hardest part of the conversation, "_you_ kind of seemed like you wanted to have a kid back then."

He immediately protests, "I didn't – "

"Barney, you came right out and said 'I want to be a dad'," Robin reminds him. The evidence is irrefutable. She remembers quite clearly what he said. Denying it isn't going to work. "I know you love me and you want to marry me regardless, but sometimes…..sometimes I'm just a little afraid you might grow to resent me because I can't give you a baby," she quietly admits. "I mean, no matter what. Ever. I – I _can't_, so it's not even up for discussion or changing my mind like you wanted to back then, and…." She pauses, biting her lip, but then decides she's come this far; she might as well come out with all of it. "And I just don't want you to wake up ten years from now and resent me because of the kids we never had."

She looks up to meet Barney's eyes, prepared to see a hint of truth and concession at what she's saying, but the expression she's met with is one of offense.

"Robin, geez, what kind of a monster would that make me to resent you because you physically can't have a baby?"

"Well, not intentionally, but subconsciously. I know you wouldn't think that on purpose," she clarifies, "but you can't help how you feel, Barney. And if deep down you wanted a child that I couldn't give you – "

"This isn't the 1800s, Robin. There are lots of ways to have a kid. If I wanted a child so badly, why couldn't we just adopt, like my brother? Why should your reproductive capabilities make any difference to me?" He loves Eli and Sadie as much as any uncle can despite the fact that they're not technically his blood. If he wanted a kid, he'd have no issues with adopting, and Robin should certainly know that.

All the same, he understands it's not about what is and isn't logical at this point. Robin's infertility can simply at times make her feel broken and vulnerable and somehow less of a woman. But _he's_ never thought of her that way and he wants to quickly dispel her of that notion. The bare truth is that whether she can or can't have a child it makes little difference because he always knew her feelings on the subject anyway. "Robin, even if you could have a kid biologically, I never expected you to make a baby with me. You were very clear that you didn't want that."

Robin gives him a hesitant look as she sits back down on the couch beside him. Because the certainty of never wanting a child wasn't so clear to her that snowy night out on a park bench.

Barney doesn't miss the look and he wonders yet another time since she's taken such a shine to Marvin if her views on motherhood may be changing. "Robin, if you could, you wouldn't want to have a baby….would you?"

She shakes her head, confessing for the first time to anyone, "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe your baby. _Our_ baby….." It's still so confusing to think about how adamantly against children she used to be and then the way she felt hearing she could never have one – the way she felt that night in the park, the way she feels now when Marvin settles his soft little check against her bosom and cuddles against her.

She never wanted a kid, but as the years passed and she stole a baby sock she started thinking….maybe someday – you know, in the distant, distant years to come. But that was a problem for Future Robin to figure out. And then she had unprotected sex with Barney and it because a matter Present Robin had to think about _right then_. The thought of being pregnant with one man's child while dating another was terrifying. The thought of her and Barney being pregnant at all when their own relationship was still so up in the air and she wasn't in any way sure of how he felt about her was frightening on its own. _And_ she'd spent the past year trying to get her career back on track.

It was the absolute wrong time in her life to be pregnant, but facing the reality of carrying Barney Stinson's baby wasn't nearly as horrifying as it should have been. Despite herself, there were some elements of it that appealed to her. Maybe not taking care of an actual baby, and certainly not swelling up to elephant proportions and pushing something the size of a watermelon out of her lady parts – and then letting it gnaw on her cracked nipples until they bled once it was born. But the thought of her and Barney creating a life together, something that would always connect them, a way that what the two of them had together would always live on – well, all of those things appealed to her powerfully in a way she couldn't even quite understand at the time.

"I cried when I found out, Barney. All I could think was that now we were _never_ going to have that baby. There wasn't even a 'maybe someday' to cling to…..I couldn't handle it, that little Canadian flag onesie that our baby would never get to wear." She feels so ridiculous tearing up again just remembering it. It was well over a year ago and she's past that and she's even with Barney now. There's no reason to cry anymore. But it was easily one of the most difficult times of her life and it's still so heart-wrenching to remember how _alone_ she felt back then.

Before she can say anything else, Barney takes her hand in both of his, promising that it's okay, and all at once she wants to tell him everything about their imaginary children she envisioned. "I got drunk on eggnog and went out wandering in the park just to get away, but there isn't anywhere that you can get away from you own thoughts. So then I sat down on a bench and started – " She stops just short of telling the story because now that she's begun saying it out loud it sounds too embarrassing to own up to.

"Started to what?" Barney gently questions.

Robin looks away, shaking her head again. "It's stupid."

"Hey," he says, softly kneading her fingers, but his tone is firm and he waits until she meets his gaze again before he continues. "No it isn't. Tell me."

"I imagined that the test was positive and that I _was_ pregnant after all," Robin divulges. "I imagined what it would be like, what our kids would be like."

"Kid_s_, plural?"

She nods. "We liked it so much we ended up having another. And in that alternate reality we were still together years later."

That brings a soft smile to Barney's lips. "Way back then, even after you didn't leave Kevin, you were imagining _us_ married?"

"I don't know about married. That part wasn't so clear. Back then I still wasn't entirely convinced you were the marrying kind. But we were definitely together. We stayed together all those years, and we were living in the apartment together like a family. Stormtrooper and all."

"My Stormtrooper was there?" Barney asks excitedly.

"It was," Robin laughs.

"I _like_ this story," he emotes. "Tell me more."

His enthusiasm is infectious. She isn't quite sure how he's managed it but somehow an incredibly painful story has become much more effortless to express. "Well Marvin hadn't been born then and I wasn't comfortable with the idea of babies yet; I'd never even really held one. So I imagined our kids as teenagers. They were a lot less scary and more accessible that way. And I'd sat them down on our couch to tell them the story of how I first told their dad I was pregnant." She shrugs. "I think it was just a way of working it all out in my mind, how things might have been – you know, instead of the reality of finding out it _never_ would be."

Barney holds Robin's gaze, requesting quite seriously this time, "Tell me about them. Our kids."

There in the familiar apartment she used to call home, with Barney's warmth so near and reassuring, her hand held fast in his, she allows herself to remember the heartbreaking images she usually pushes away. "We had son, suited-up and all; because of course you wouldn't have it any other way….and neither would I. He had blonde hair just like yours. Barney, he was so like you in every way – except for the little ways he was like me. That's how you knew he wasn't just your son; he was _our_ son. He was our firstborn….the one I would've been pregnant with if things had been different. And then our youngest was – "

"It better be a girl who looked like you. That's what _I_ wanted."

She looks to him sharply. "You thought about it?"

"A little, sure," he discloses. "How could I not? I really thought you were pregnant too…..Remember the dress I picked out?"

Now that he mentions it she does recall that when they went to We B Babies, while it was the onesie that caught her eye, Barney had picked out a lacey, frilly, very girly-looking dress, the sort of thing she always loved as a child but was gradually forbidden from wearing.

"If you had been pregnant, I wanted it to be a girl," Barney reveals. "A little mini version of you so I'd have two of you to love."

Robin can't help but smile at the thought of her wanting a boy just like him and him wanting a girl just like her. Maybe that says more for how they feel about each other than anything to do with a real live baby. "You would have loved her, Barney, our beautiful brunette daughter, just a few years younger. Imagining the two of them _was_ exactly like looking at mini versions of us." Telling him the rest isn't as easy. It brings the remembered pain back that's still so vivid she can actually feel it now. "I sat out on that bench in the cold and cried for our kids that we'd never get to meet. Our kids who would never have a chance to be real. And it hurt so much knowing those babies we made together, half you and half me and just _us_, would never actually exist."

Barney puts his arm around her, holding her close to him, and she allows her head to rest against his shoulder. "That's why you were so upset that Christmas."

"I had to mourn them. I had to say goodbye to the possibility of them, to the possibility of ever being a mother – a pole-vaulter, I lied and called it."

He strokes her arm comfortingly, his thoughts tinged with regret that he hadn't done more for her. "God, I wish I would have known. I should have seen it. I could have helped you through it."

"It's not your fault," Robin argues. "I didn't tell you."

"I just thought you were upset because we cheated. I blamed myself. I thought you wouldn't want to see me and be reminded."

"That makes sense. There's no way you could have known, Barney. After a while we were barely speaking…..But we've come a long way since then, and I'm just – I'm really glad I can finally tell you." It was difficult, yes, but it's such a relief to have gotten that off her chest and finally talked it through with the one person she most needed to.

"You can tell me anything," Barney encourages. "I _want_ you to tell me, Robin. You don't ever have to suffer alone."

"Don't tell anyone I said this, but I'm not always as strong as I make out."

"That's okay. Neither am I."

It's a powerful admission, one she knows he'd only make to her, letting his guard down and admitting he's anything other than awesome at all times. It touches her. It makes her feel honored, and even still boggles her mind a little that _she_ is the one person in this entire world that he opens up to and lets fully inside. He is that same thing for her too and it's still rather amazing to have found that. "I really need you, Barney, I do. I'm so incredibly thankful we have each other now. Again."

"Forever," he adds emphatically.

"Yes, forever…..But those imaginary kids…." Robin sniffs and lifts her head to look up at him. Barney doesn't say a word about the stray tears he can now see have made their way down onto her cheeks; he just silently wipes them away. "Sometimes I can't help wondering 'what if'."

"Do you wish you would have been pregnant, Robin?" he poses pointblank. "Cause _I_ don't. Even if that was our only shot at a kid, even if meant we could have gotten back together a year ago, I'm still glad you weren't pregnant."

"You really are?"

"Yes." There's not a doubt in his mind. "But are you?"

"I didn't want to be pregnant then, but maybe I would have eventually changed my mind…."

"You wouldn't have," Barney tells her confidently. "I know you, Robin, and I don't think you would have. But if you ever do decide that's something you want, you know we always _could_ adopt like my brother. That possibility is still open to us if you think that's something you might want someday."

"I know," she nods. "And I _have_ thought about it, actually. I love Marvin, and I would've loved our suited-up son who looked just like you. I would've loved him _so_ much. But you're right. I probably wouldn't have changed my mind about kids. I've realized that the only way I could ever see myself as a mother was if it happened some way where Fate decided it for me….And I guess it did." She moves her hand over onto Barney's leg, needing to hear from him now. "What about you? Is adoption something you'd ever want?"

"I think adoption is great, for everyone involved. But I never expected us to have a kid; I really didn't. The truth is, while I like kids, I never wanted that for _my_ life." He always thought of having kids sort of like owning a pool – or a pony. It can be fun in the moment but ultimately it's a lot of work and upkeep and responsibility. "Before when I said that about wanting to be a dad, it wasn't about a baby at all. I know I talked about me and Ted adopting, but I was just hurting, Robin. I just wanted you back. And then when you told me you actually were pregnant, I thought if you were having our baby it would be the easiest way to make that happen, to win you back and get the two of us back together. But I was doing the happy dance when you weren't pregnant too, because by then I'd realized the reality of how you being pregnant would have changed things. I have everything I need with you. Just you," Barney vows. "But if you want to adopt someday, it's something we can absolutely talk about. It's something I could be open to if you decide you want that."

"I don't think I will," Robin shakes her head. "Adoption, surrogacy, all of that takes planning and definite choice, and I don't think I could ever commit that strongly to it all on my own, you know what I mean? That's what I meant about Fate deciding. I guess it's always possible I could change my mind someday, but right now I can't imagine it. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever want a baby enough to make that effort. The thing I liked most about it and that I mourned the hardest for was the idea of having _our_ child, this life that we created _together_, literally out of our love. But a baby isn't just an idea; it's a human being. And once it's here you have to raise it and take care of it – all. the. time," she emphasizes.

"_Right_?" Barney wholeheartedly agrees. "Babies are undeniably cute – ours would have been a knockout – but they're a huge responsibility that I'm perfectly fine without. If there was ever a choice, you know you would always be it. But it's not even about a choice, Robin. I _love_ our life. I love our love just the way it is. I have never been happier. Maybe I'm being selfish, but it took us almost eight years to get here. I don't want to share you with anyone else. Even a baby. I want you all to myself."

"Me too," Robin reveals. "I've loved bonding with Marvin. I love him so much. But at the end of the day I _love_ giving him back to his parents."

"Yes! Do the crime and do the time is what I say. Let Marshall and Lily deal with him when he's colicky at three in the morning. That's not our problem….I'll tell you something else." He draws close to her face and whispers to her, "I still get Not a Father's Day e-cards." That draws a giggle from her and Barney smiles.

"Does it make us horrible people that we don't want it for ourselves?" she asks him.

"No. It just makes us….us," he shrugs. "And if we brought a kid into that, it would change everything. If it had happened on its own naturally – let's be honest, _accidentally_ – then I feel like I could have been okay with it, but it's not something that I wish for. It's certainly not something that I need. And I'm _not_ just saying that. Okay?"

"Yeah," she nods, smiling, and for the first time since this conversation started there isn't even a trace of sadness or regret in that smile. "I'm okay with this."

"Good. Cause you know, Robin, it doesn't take kids to make a family. You already are my family and I hope I'm yours."

She rubs his leg tenderly. "Barney, of course you are."

"And if we ever want to add more to that we could always get a dog."

"You'd do that?" she asks hopefully. "You wouldn't mind a dog in the apartment?"

"Not once it's trained. Remember Brover? That little guy was the coolest."

She leans in to kiss him softly. "I love you, Barney Stinson."

"See there, that's everything."

This time Barney kisses her. One kiss leads to another and she kisses him back just as intently until soon they're taking part in that age-old tradition of all babysitters across the country on this Saturday night: making out on the couch.

Barney brushes his mouth across Robin's cheek and up to her earlobe. "So you're sure you're okay with this now?" he whispers between kisses.

"Yes," she swears, pressing a kiss to his jaw as he nibbles her ear. "I am if you are."

"I was always okay with it," he tells her as his lips move down to neck. "All I want is you."

"Me too; I just want you. I get that now." Her arms circle his shoulders, pulling him against her. "It wasn't – it _isn't_ – about a baby. I just liked having that connection with you. I don't know, I guess I just liked the idea of having a little Barney in me."

He stops and looks up at her with a grin. "Is _that_ what you're worried about? You can still have that." His hands slide down to her waist and draw her to him until she's all but in his lap. "You can have that right now," he says suggestively. "Robin, I promise you, you will _always_ get to experience the feeling of Lil' Barney in you."

She bursts out laughing but then really thinks about it. "Actually, you know what? That _is_ better."

"Of course it's better. I think you just haven't fully thought this through, because there are a lot of _great_ things about you not getting pregnant," he points out

In fact, she _hadn't_ actually thought about it that way. Initially it had occurred to her in the doctor's office that if it had to happen to someone it was best that it was her, a woman who didn't want kids anyway. But after that all the sadness of it and all the doors that were now closed to her overshadowed everything else. She'd never stopped to think about the positives to her diagnosis. "You're right. There are. Like we can have sex completely worry-free without the concern of spawning an accidental little Stinson."

"Absolutely. The biggest thing we have to worry about is staying on the sex swing. We've entirely clear of any dangers of making a baby. Do you remember how awful Insane Dwayne looked? Or Marshall and Lily in those first few months? No thank you." Barney runs his hand up her thigh enticingly, nuzzling her neck again. "If I want to stay up all night hearing someone scream, you and I can make that happen."

"Mm-hmm," Robin agrees, pushing her fingers up into his hair at the nape of his neck. "And this way we can keep up the tradition of Naked Sundays. With no kid around, we're free to do it in every room, wherever we want, right out in the open, whenever the mood strikes. We don't have to wait for 'alone time' because we'll _always_ have alone time."

"And not only the apartment. If we want to have sex while out to dinner – "

"Which we have," she points out.

"Right." He kisses her collarbone. "We have." And then her throat before pausing to look up at her and bring his point home. "_Because_ we didn't have to worry about who was gonna watch the kid while I was banging her mom in the bathroom. Robin, without a child to weigh us down the possibilities are endless. We can do it in the Jacuzzi with the jets turned up the way you like and the door wide open and be just as loud and wild as we want."

"Or while watching the Canucks game." She pulls him closer. "Cause the only thing better than beer and hockey is getting stuck real good by you at the same time."

Barney chuckles against her skin as he trails openmouthed kisses along her neckline. "We can do it at MacLaren's. Hell, we can _go_ to MacLaren's."

Robin's eyes light up at all the varied potential. "We can do it in the middle of breakfast. Just push aside the eggs and pancakes and go to town."

"I can think of a half dozen better ways to use the toppings," he tells her lustfully, and Robin herself can count several ways off the top of her head that she knows the two of them have already tried. "We can do all of that and more. And it's not just with sex either. It's with anything, everything. We can travel the world like you wanted to. Because now there's no one and nothing to stop us from having all the fun we want. You can't go out and have fun at the bar, or the cigar club, or laser tag with a baby in tow – as we learn every day from Marshall and Lily."

"Yeah, and I gotta say I'm extremely excited about forever avoiding the whole cracked and bleeding nipples thing," she remarks, subconsciously putting her hands up protectively over that very sensitive part of her anatomy.

Barney nudges her hands aside, replacing them with his own. "The only thing sucking on your nipples is gonna be me. The way it should be."

"Mmm, you _are_ good at that," she sighs. "It should be reserved just for you."

He chuckles wickedly and begins unbuttoning her blouse. "You don't have to worry about the horrors of pregnancy and doing any damage to either the ladies or sweet, soft, warm little Kitty." He growls in anticipation of very soon experiencing her again. "Because the only thing pushing out of you will be me. And then back in. And then back out, and – "

"You're an idiot," she laughs, moving to straddle his lap. "Besides, it's really much better if you show me."

Barney spreads her shirt open, sliding it down her arms. A second later her bra is undone and he's tossing it over his shoulder. He runs his hands over all that soft sexiness he's just exposed. Then they're kissing again, hungry and wanting, eager to celebrate this affirmation of their fancy-free lifestyle in the very best manner possible.

Robin has his tie off a moment later and wastes no time getting his jacket and shirt off next. She strokes her fingers over his chest, dipping to press kisses across his ribcage, and as she works at his belt he can't resist pointing out perhaps the greatest perk of all. "This way we can always go bare-skin."

"Yeah, just think of all the money we're saving on condoms," she smirks, bringing her lips back up to his.

Then her tongue is in his mouth and she's pulling down his zipper and Barney has to laugh in sheer delight. That's the thing about sex with Robin. It's not just sex. Yes, it's making love, but even making love is not just candlelight and rose petals. He understands that now. Sure, it _can_ literally be those clichéd romantic images, and they even indulge in those themselves from time to time. But what making love really means is that it's not merely sexual. It is that too; it's intense and satisfying and the most pleasurable physical experience he's ever had. But it's also fun and gratifying and euphoric. They can smile and tease and laugh the whole way through because it's not just sex or even just making love; it's making love _with your best friend_.

"Robin," he smiles happily as she lifts up onto her knees to strip him of his pants, "the money is _not_ what I'm thinking about."

"Oh I know it isn't." She throws a saucy wink his way as she eases back down onto his lap, her knees hugging his hips and Barney now in only his thin boxer briefs. "I just wanted you to finally admit that's what you love most about the fact that you can't get me pregnant."

"Little minx," he whispers beneath his breath. It's the only warning she has before she finds herself flat on her back, pressed between the couch and Barney. He reaches down between them to unbutton her jeans and the next thing she knows she's stripped from the waist down too. "It's been years since we had sex in this room. Let's show it what it's been missing…."

Robin pulls his mouth down to hers, hooking her legs around his waist in eager agreement.

* * *

><p>It's not until they've been lying there side-by-side catching their breath for a full five minutes that Robin suddenly remembers. "Oh my god."<p>

"I know," Barney grins in satisfaction, lightly stroking her thigh.

She ignores him, repeating with greater distress, "Oh my god! Marvin!" Fighting for purchase, she struggles to sit up on a couch two adults are both lying across – and have worked their way a fair amount down into the cushions.

"Whoa. I forgot all about the little dude." Barney's eyes automatically shoot over to the play yard at the opposite end of the couch. "Another reason we shouldn't be parents," he remarks ironically. "We probably just warped the kid."

"_Oh god_," Robin declares, horrified. "Think of all the therapy he'll need."

"Nah, he's asleep." Barney nods his head over to the play yard while she finally manages to get up onto her knees without knocking them both off the couch.

Robin crawls over to the other end of the couch to check on Marvin, expecting to find a nine-month old traumatized into silence, but instead he's dreaming contently just like Barney said. "Huh. He _is_ asleep." Her first reaction is of auspicious reassurance until it occurs to her, "Wait. He slept through that? Maybe there's something wrong with his hearing."

Barney sniggers proudly. "Yeah, that was a headboard rattler. You know, if there _was_ a headboard."

"Thank God he's asleep," Robin berates herself. "We might have really damaged him, Barney. Marshall and Lily would've never forgiven us. See, _this_ is why I don't like being left alone with a kid. It's too much responsibility. We messed it up already."

"I was only joking, Robin," he softly assures her now that he can see how concerned she really is. "Even if Marvin had been awake, he's too young to understand or remember."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. He'd just think we were playing around. I mean even to a bro that little it was obvious you were enjoying yourself." He winks, complete with a click of his tongue.

She closes her eyes in relief, so very glad to know she hadn't just put her little godson at risk. But a moment later she hears, "Robin?"

"Hmm?" she replies, opening her eyes again. Rather than find Barney's eyes meeting hers, she can see they've drifted pointedly further south.

"….You're naked."

Her concern was so great for the baby, it's really the first time she's given her state of undress a single thought. She looks down at herself, not quite understanding. "Yeah?"

"God, you look hot naked…." His warm gaze travels over her body with clear intent. "Come here," he keenly requests.

Robin glances back down at Marvin one more time and he's still sleeping as sound as can be. Turning back to her fiancé, she figures that he's right. What the kid doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, Barney looks awfully hot naked too.

She smiles as she crawls back to him. When she gets close enough to be within arm's reach he does just that and she laughs, letting him pull her down on top of him. Melting into his body, she purrs, "I do miss having sex in this room. We used to own every inch of this apartment." There isn't a wall, floor, door, countertop or hard surface they haven't done it on or against.

Barney grins, cupping the back of her head and presses her lips down against his. Then they're kissing – naked – and it's good….incredible. It's _always_ incredible with the two of them. Less than a minute in, Robin feels her core growing restless and heated and wanting. She smiles when she feels he is too. "Again? Already?" It couldn't have been more than eight minutes since they just had sex.

"I'm always ready with you. Lil' Barney's at a constant state of attention."

Robin laughs softly. "Yes, but this is quick even for us," she replies as his mouth works over her neck.

"Maybe it's being back in this room."

"Maybe it's doing it on Marshall and Lily's perfect couch," she counters.

"Yeah, Lily would definitely not approve of any sex stains."

Robin makes a face at him but it quickly dissipates back into heat and pleasure as she realizes on a sigh, "We _are_ being bad right now, aren't we?"

Barney smiles at her, knowingly. "_Yeah_ we are. My dirty, dirty girl," he murmurs, lightly smacking her behind. She moans in pleasure and kisses him hard, lifting her hips and adjusting down onto him to get things started.

Just two minutes later, the front door swings open and Marshall and Lily's laughter quickly dies in their throats. Robin's draped atop Barney, acting as a sort of cover for his nudity – though they've both already seen him naked. Her breasts are pressed to his chest and both his hands are spread over the curve of her behind acting as an inadvertent shield so it's really less of a show than at least one half of the interrupting couple might like.

Marshall is the first to find words. "Oh guys! _Not cool_!"

Lily just stares with a considerable degree of interest at her two friends currently having sex on her couch.

Robin and Barney stop moving and look up, only now realizing the interruption. She gasps and smashes her chest tighter to Barney's but he reacts quickly, grabbing the blanket from the top of the couch and draping it over them.

Pushing herself off of him, Robin uses the blanket to cover her upper body. In the process she inadvertently bares Barney's chest but, thankfully, nothing more. Reaching down, she snatches up Barney's boxer briefs, tossing them to him as her eyes desperately search out her own clothing.

Unabashed – frankly more disappointed at the interruption than anything else – Barney just sits up and moves to put his underwear back on.

Both Marshall and Lily avert their eyes.

"We should have known this would happen if we left the two of you alone together," Marshall shakes his head. "But I thought at the very least the presence of a baby would cool you down. What exactly about dirty diapers and breast milk possibly turns you guys on?"

"_Breast_," Barney says obviously, giving him a look.

"Okay, I guess I see that one," Marshall concedes. "But still. Even _we_ don't do it in front of him."

Here Robin jumps in to defend them. "No, he's asleep. We checked to make sure," she insists. Wrapping the blanket more securely around herself, she walks over to where Lily is crouched beside her son's play yard, carefully easing him up into her arms.

"Well you could have at least moved him into his crib before you started going at each other," Lily chastises.

"He looked so peaceful, we didn't want to disturb him," Robin maintains, bending to grab her scattered clothes. "And it's not like we _planned_ to have sex."

Marshall looks down at the obviously tented front of Barney's boxer briefs. "Barney planned to."

Unashamed is one thing but a bro staring as his erection is quite another and Barney grabs a throw pillow from the couch, holding it in front of himself.

Lily grimaces as she plucks Robin's bra from where it was hooked on the edge of Marvin's play yard. She hands it to her friend, who adds it to the pile of clothing already in her arms. "Finish in the bathroom."

Barney looks over to Robin, then back to Lily, incredulous. "Really?" he half-laughs with anticipation.

Marshall rolls his eyes. "Finish getting dressed."

Barney frowns, nevertheless reaching down and retrieving his shirt and pants from the floor and the coffee table, respectively, without a further word of protest. Discarding the throw pillow in the hall, he retreats to the bathroom as instructed, groaning involuntarily as Robin brushes past him into the room, shutting the door behind them. His movements are stilted as he walks over to the sink, throwing his clothes down across it.

"You alright there?" she smirks.

"It's gonna be a _long_ twenty-three minute cab ride home."

Robin laughs but then steps closer to him, letting the blanket covering her fall to the ground. With a sly grin on her face, she runs her hands down Barney's chest and stomach. "Maybe." She drops down on her knees, her fingers sliding over his hips, dragging his underwear down with them. "Maybe not."

* * *

><p>"That was quick," Lily says, looking up as Barney and Robin walk back into the living room. They are both noticeably grinning. "….Why do I have a feeling more transpired than simply getting dressed?"<p>

Marshall sighs. "You guys 'finished', didn't you?"

Robin turns back to her fiancé and gives him a naughty smile. "Barney did."

"Eww, gross," Lily exclaims.

But Barney just grins from ear to ear, walking out the door with his arms wrapped around easily the awesomest woman on the planet – a woman who, as they just established, is made all the _more_ awesome by the fact that she can't get pregnant.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"Lily almost killed us that night for corrupting her infant son," Robin smiles at the memory. "And we haven't been allowed to babysit alone together since."<p>

"But the important part – besides the _incredible_ sex we had that night – is that we decided we love our life exactly as it is," Barney reminds her. "And the only kind of parents we ever want to be are puppy parents. Right?"

She squeezes his hand. "Right."

"So this doesn't matter at all." He puts his arm around, caressing the bare skin of her shoulder. "One thing that's absolutely non-debatable is how much I love you. All of you. Every part. I wouldn't change a thing about you, Robin. Not a single thing – and that includes your ability to 'make eggs'." Bringing his hand up to cup her face, he brushes his thumb over her cheek. "Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about who you are. Because I think you're perfect."

Hearing that, tears fill Robin's eyes and then they're spilling over and she can't help it; she's full-on crying. As her face crumples, Barney gathers her to him and she buries her check against his collar, her hand grasping onto the opposite lapel of his suit, holding him tightly.

"It's alright, Robin. Nothing's changed." He comforts and strokes her, does his very best to soothe her, but she's still crying at it pricks at his heart. It sets something off in him. "I'm going to talk to my mom about this. This ends_ now_," he says, deadly serious. Family squabbles and growing pains are one thing but his mother made Robin cry and that's never going to happen again.

"It's okay, Barney." She lifts her head from his shoulder but doesn't let go of his suit. "I'm not crying about your mom, or even about the eggs. I'm crying because…." Even as she tries to get it out, it starts fresh tears in her eyes just thinking about it. "I'm crying because it feels so amazing that you love me this much, this unconditionally. Just me."

Barney smiles at that, glad to know that these are happy tears. For the rest of their lives, he only ever wants her to cry happy tears. "There's an awful lot to love. And I'm glad you like the feeling, cause I'm gonna love you this much for always."

Robin smiles now. It's a watery one and her eyes are puffy, but he still thinks she's the most beautiful thing and he loves her so much it hurts. Bending, he kisses her tenderly as he lets her go, standing back up from the sofa. "Lily's waiting outside. She wants to talk to you too, if you're okay with that."

"Yeah," she nods. "I'm alright now. I'll be back down soon too. I just need to change." She gets up as well, reaching into her back pocket for her cellphone. "And I want to try my mom one more time. See if her flight's landed yet."

"Okay. I'm gonna go find my mom and have a talk with her anyway. I'll let Lily in as I leave," he says, giving her one more quick kiss before he goes.

Downstairs, Barney knows just where to look for his mom. As he knew he would, he finds her in the bar nursing a white wine with a second full glass already waiting beside it. He's aware she feels guilty. She hadn't meant to be that cruel and he knows that, but this still has to end. She has to accept Robin once and for all, accept that Robin is and will be the most important thing in his life and therefore _she_ has to love and care for her too – or at the very least treat her well.

"Hey, Mom," he soberly greets, sliding onto the empty bar stool next to hers. "We need to talk about this."

"I swear if I had known, I never would have said anything."

"I know. And that's my fault."

"So….Robin can't have kids."

Barney closes his eyes, acknowledging that with a tilt of his head. It's the 'can't' part that bothers him. Because if he had his way there isn't a thing Robin wouldn't be able to do. The whole world would be open to her to do whatever she pleased. She never wanted kids, and that most likely would never have changed throughout the course of their marriage anyway, but he still hates that the choice was taken away, leaving her feeling powerless and less than whole.

Loretta recognizes that this next part is going to sound harsh but she has to say it for the sake of her son. "But you always wanted children."

Here he's quick to set his mom straight. This is the same sort of ill-thinking Robin once had and he's not quite sure where it's all coming from. Sure, he's great with kids and he loves his nephew and niece and godson, but there's a difference between liking something and wanting it for yourself. Most of all, he wants to be certain that his mom knows Robin's not holding him back from any dreams. That's not what's happening at all. Being with her isn't costing him anything. It's giving him everything.

But she asks how long he's known about this: meaning, did he go into his marriage proposal knowing full well of Robin's infertility, or is it something she sprang on him afterwards? In other words, might it have changed his mind if he knew _before_ he asked? Barney's easily able to read between the lines of what his mother is getting at, and he assures her he's known for month's now – _well_ before he proposed. Not that it would have made a difference anyhow.

He still remembers quite clearly the night she told him. It was at a time when he and Robin were walking that awkward line between friends and something more. They both were in love with each other but neither one knew how the other felt. And there was the pesky matter that she was still technically dating another man….

* * *

><p>October 2012<p>

* * *

><p>It's only been a few days since Robin went with Barney to give back Brover and she still sees visions of how distraught he was taking that call, how he tried to hurl himself over her balcony. She's 99% sure he was bluffing, but on the off chance that there was even the tiniest part of him that was serious she's been keeping a close eye on him in the time since. You know, for his protection and wellbeing….and nothing else more complicated than that.<p>

Under that same spirit of friendship, she'd decided that morning that she's hanging out with Barney tonight, no matter what. She has it planned perfectly. Ted has basketball practice, she knows, so that leaves just her and Barney to meet up with Marshall and Lily at their apartment after work for a beer.

Once they're all there, Robin wastes no time orchestrating the whole thing. She nonchalantly announces she's bored and suggests they do something different tonight, go out somewhere fun and new. She already knows Marshall and Lily will beg off; they just got back to the apartment to relieve her dad and will have to look after Marvin all night. And with Ted otherwise occupied and Nick busy at work for the night, it'll be just her and Barney alone.

She misses hanging out with him. That's the simple truth of it. Plus the whole misunderstanding with Brover's owner has got her thinking. _Barney_ acted strangely too about being mistaken for a couple. It wasn't just her who got a little jumpy, and…..sometimes she wonders. Since he broke up with Quinn, sometimes she wonders if he could ever still want her and feel that way about _her_ again.

Not that it matters, she quickly silences that line of thought. Because she totally has a boyfriend and she's only thinking of tonight as a bro's night anyway, she reminds herself.

As soon as Robin mentions wanting to go out for the night, Barney's excitement spikes. While it's something of a bummer to know that an era is quickly coming to an end with Marshall and Lily too busy being parents to come out and have fun, it still feels like Christmas has come early because it means he'll have Robin all to himself for the night.

From the moment she walked into the apartment, he noticed her skin-tight black jeans and matching black wedge boots that make her legs appear to go on for miles. With her looking that casually sexy he knows exactly where they're going. Tonight's all about showing her a good time – a far better time than Nick, who can barely form three-syllable words, could ever show her that's for sure.

So Barney takes Robin downtown to this all-night, secret, underground bar. She's known him for so many years that she barely blinks an eye at entering through what appears from the surface to be an average sewer grate. This is just part of the craziness of hanging out with Barney. It's crazy but more than anything it's so much _fun_.

She's always enjoyed spending time with him just the two of them, but they haven't been on a night out like this for so long that she's almost forgotten just exactly how _much_ wonderful, dizzy, exhilarating fun it is being alone with him. They drink, they dance – at a discreet enough distance – they eat the freshest sushi either one of them has ever had. He even talks her into riding the mechanical bull.

The whole night feels like old times, only better and deeper because they've grown and bonded and been through so much together over the intervening years. And Barney loves every second of it. He's not manic and out-of-control when he's with her. He still feels the need to keep up the facade for appearance's sake, but he's more grounded and stable and _happy_ spending time alone with Robin again.

When they eventually leave the bar – because it's after two a.m. and they both know that's the danger zone – Barney just has to let out an evil little laugh when Robin mentions the mechanical bull.

He couldn't resist; he'd flirted her up there. She was sitting at the bar with him leaning at her side when the DJ drew the crowd's attention to the antics of the obviously drunk and scantily clad blonde bimbo who was just losing her balance and being thrown from the mechanical bull at that very moment. "Come on, Robin. Get up there," he'd coaxed her. "We both know you can stay on 'the bull' all night and ride it much better than her – or any of these women in here." She'd given him a look that he felt all the way down his spine and predictably couldn't resist his challenge. Their eyes met across the club as she mounted the mechanical bull, and watching her up there riding it was hotter than most porn he's seen.

But now Robin ignores his little laugh, tries to ignore what it does to her. They haven't had a night like this with just the two of them since before he was engaged, before she was with Nick, before they slept together again, before she thought she was pregnant, before she was with Kevin and he was with Nora, all the way back to the summer of 2011 – back when the spark of being alone together and a night of unknown possibility was full of excitement and anticipation. Unlike now, when they both sense that it's a slippery slope they have to carefully keep from falling down because that's water long under the bridge and they're each sure the other's moved on.

So as he walks her home, Barney turns the subject to something safer: Marshall and Lily's lameness. "Promise me if you ever have kids you'll sometimes get a babysitter and come have an epic night." He doesn't even mean it in the sense of actually imagining Robin as a mother someday. It was only intended as a mocking indictment of their two friends' lifeless surrender to awesomeness since they became parents.

But Robin hasn't heard much past 'if you ever have kids'. It's funny he should mention that when she was just thinking about back when they believed she was pregnant, which is of course when she found out she's unable to have kids. Barney still doesn't know. It's not exactly something you discuss in front of a group….though all her other friends _do_ already know. Still, if she ever did tell him she wanted to do so alone, and they weren't alone much since the pregnancy scare. She was with Kevin, and then he had Quinn, and eventually Nick came along and she didn't ever really have the opportunity for the subject to come up.

But if she's honest with herself, that's all just an excuse. There were plenty of times she could have told him if she'd really wanted to. The day Lily and Marshall became parents; many afternoons and evenings of playing with Marvin; signing the papers to legally become Marvin's godparents together – any of those times would have been a great opening. But when she'd told him about their baby that never was, Barney had been so excited to be a father. Just because he later realized he didn't want her to be pregnant right then doesn't necessarily mean he won't want that later in life, when he's ready. Just look at her; she danced and celebrated too but openly wept at finding out she could _never _have kids – and she hadn't even wanted them to begin with. Not really…..It's complicated. And she's seen him with Marvin, and with Eli and Sadie. Barney's like magic with kids. For all she knows he might want a couple himself someday.

The truth is she didn't tell him because she simply didn't want to chance seeing pity and disappointment on his face, seeing confirmation in his eyes that she'll never be able to give him what he wants, that she can't ever be enough for him.

But that was almost a year ago now and she's grown a slightly thicker skin about it all. This is how it is. _She_ is how she is, and any man who's going to be with her has to be able to accept that about her. A life with her is never going to include children. And maybe she's a little drunk. Maybe the buzz of one too many scotches has caused her guard to fall a little. But Barney's single now….and she's grown weary of Nick. The bare reality is she's still drawn to Barney and a treacherous part of her that refuses to be silenced thinks that maybe this isn't the end of their story. Maybe someday the two of them might eventually find their way back together. She feels that zip of possibility again, like in the summer before last…..

However, it's a silly 'maybe' if in addition to all the other obstacles between them her inability to bear children is an impassible roadblock at the outset. But subconsciously she realizes that if she tells him now, just blurts it out, it could be a way of testing the waters. If Barney is horrified, then that gives her the answer. But if he's not, then that 'maybe' is still out there for them.

Meanwhile, Barney is oblivious to Robin's internal debate. He simply makes jokes about her hypothetical babysitter because he's Barney Stinson, womanizer extraordinaire, who is always awesome instead and not at all bummed because his friends have outgrown the lifestyle he's stuck in, doomed to. And he's certainly _not_ pining after his best friend, the love of his life who can never be his.

After Barney's babysitter quip, Robin just comes out with it before she loses the nerve. "Actually, I – ah – I can't have kids. So that's not an issue." She says it nonchalantly, matter-of-factly, like it's no big deal; she says it that way on purpose to cover up what a _very_ big deal it actually is. After that, she just tries to keep walking, tries to play it off while at the same time bracing herself to see that pity in his eyes, that look of damaged goods he's no longer interested in.

Barney can hardly believe what he's hearing. Robin just told him she can't have kids like you might tell a person the bodega is out of milk, like it's just an everyday thing. But if it's true he knows it's far from everyday, not even for her. She isn't forthcoming with anything more, so he puts out his arm and stops her. "Really?" She might be a little bit drunk. Maybe he didn't hear her properly. Maybe she's joking. It could just be a misunderstanding.

When Barney stops her and questions her pointblank, Robin feels her heart going a mile a minute but she hides it, endeavoring to act like it doesn't matter at all; it's hardly even worth discussing. But at the same time she can't quite meet his eyes as she confirms the truth of it. She finds it difficult to even hold his gaze at all in the seconds while she's waiting for his response, holding her breath and preparing to see the door between them slamming shut and locking forever. Her body language says it all: awkward and exposed yet putting up that wall of self-protection, keeping up that front of being tough as nails and untouchable.

Once Robin says it is indeed true – she isn't kidding; she really is unable to have children – Barney's eyebrow slowly goes up and his expression melts into pure pain at her pain. In that moment his heart aches for the scarred, vulnerable woman who already feels like she's not good enough, who already has more than her share of identity issues because of the father who forcibly raised her as a boy, who surely must feel like this is just one more part of her that's broken, whether she ever wanted to have kids or not. There is always at least a part of you that wants to keep possibilities open. Even the ones you once convinced yourself you'd never want, the ones you think you can never have. Like her.

Robin sees the emotion playing across Barney's face and she blinks rapidly, knowing what he's thinking. She can't blame him. Like she once told Ted, what man would want her this way? Flawed, incomplete, not quite able to give him the whole package. But suddenly she feels herself being pulled into a fierce hug, enveloped in his embrace for the first time in a very long time.

Barney holds her tight, wishing he could take this away from her. He would do anything to change this for her but all he can do is hold her warm and safe, let her know it's okay. It doesn't matter. It changes nothing about her. She's still an amazing woman. She's still flawless. She's still _absolutely_ loved. There isn't a thing about her that's broken.

It takes Robin a half-second to even process what is happening. She was braced for the worst of what might be coming next, but this is not rejection. Neither is it an over-the-top attempt to make her laugh just to cut the tension, like she imagined when she first found out. This isn't at all the reaction she expected from him. Maybe a pratfall, a crass joke, but not this. This is comfort. This is empathy. This is understanding.

She's still trying to wrap her mind around it, but god it feels good coming from him of all people. She brings her arms up to his shoulders, hugging him back, just so delighted at this turn of events, at being in his arms once again. He's heard her darkest secret and he didn't go running in horror. Instead he's still here, hugging her tenderly.

It occurs to Barney as he's leaning into her with his neck cuddled against hers and her hair splayed over his cheek while he breathes in its achingly familiar scent – holding her so snuggly that she almost loses her footing and stumbles backwards – that he may be coming on a little too strong. She has a boyfriend and he's mindful of the fact that they cheated together once and it left her devastated. He hates that he even has to ask this, but he doesn't want to frighten her away or make her feel uncomfortable. "Is it weird that I'm hugging you like this?" he asks, but won't move an inch to actually let her go until she says the word.

For Robin, even his question of it being weird is sweet because it's a reminder that even though he's been engaged and she still has a boyfriend, even though time has passed and so many things have happened, they will _never_ be only 'just friends'. There will _always_ be something more there. It goes unspoken but they both know it. This is the closest he's come to openly acknowledging that and, smiling happily, Robin assures him that it's not weird at all. That's the closest _she_ can come for now to openly acknowledging it. And yet the feeling of his chin gently tucked over her shoulder is so incredible, so right – like coming home – that she strokes her right hand over his back, her left hand holding him so tightly to her that her fingernails are turning white.

Once she says it's not weird, even rubbing his back softly, that's all the more permission Barney needs to keep holding her close in his arms this way just as long as she'll let him. And that same traitorous part of Robin's heart wishes they could stay this way forever….

But then it starts to rain.

His hand is at her waist, the other cupping the back of her neck, and her arms are still around him too, her fingers clutching his suit at his back and chest while the rain pours down, soaking their clothes. Their mouths are so close; it wouldn't take but a few inches to bring them together. It's almost exactly like that day out in the rain, out in a hurricane, when he comforted her then and it led to another near kiss. It led to the two of them eventually going to bed together….the very last evening they were out alone together.

So, yes, they both agree that the rain makes it weird. Yet neither one of them does a thing to move apart. They just stand there, his hand at the nap of her neck, her face so near to his that her nose keeps brushing his jaw line.

Barney wants to be kissing her so badly. He wishes he still could now the way he did back then. But he can't risk overstepping the boundaries again and pushing her away.

Robin just convinces herself she's being silly. If he wanted to kiss her, he would. And, besides, there will be _no_ kissing. She has a boyfriend and just….no. There can't be any kissing between her and Barney. "We should probably go."

"Yeah…." he nods. "Come on." They start running for cover, and he takes her hand – which is totally not weird because he's just trying to keep a bro from slipping and falling on the wet pavement in her heels. And if her hand fits perfectly into his, well, that can't be helped…..

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>They had a sobering, grounding moment directly afterwards when they arrived in the lobby of her apartment building, laughing at the sight they made dripping wet, still holding hands when Nick walked in just off of work and ready to see his girlfriend.<p>

Even so, Barney knows it's a night neither one of them will forget.

When he heard about Robin's inability to have a child the only thing he felt was sadness for what she had gone through. It didn't, not even for a millisecond, change the way he felt about her or his fervent desire – more than anything in this world – to be with her for the rest of his life.

"Mom, I'm not marrying some future possibility of starting a family. I'm marrying a girl….who means more to me than kids. Or my career." Or anything. Including the Lamborcuzzi – and he _has_ always wanted that, much more than kids. "So, _please_…." Barney waits until his mother looks up at him so she can see how much he means this. "….be nice to her."

"Okay," Loretta agrees simply.

It almost seems a little too easy. He wants to make sure there's no more tricks up anyone's sleeve. "For real this time?"

"Yes, for real. Barney, it's obvious how much you love her. _Anyone_ can see that…." She looks away in embarrassment as she admits the truth. "I suppose that's why I got so upset in the first place. I know I can't compete with a love like that."

"No one wants you to compete, Mom. Robin certainly doesn't. I can love you both." His smile turns cocky as he impertinently adds, "There's enough Barney to go around."

"Alright," she smiles at her ever mischievous son. "I need to find my future daughter-in-law and apologize."

He stands up, offering his mom his arm. "Robin's in our room."

"Well, let's go talk to her then."

Barney and Loretta walk toward the elevator and just narrowly miss Robin and Lily coming down the stairs.

Robin was in too much of a hurry to get down to the bar to bother with the elevator. Because while Lily was using their restroom and Barney was down talking to his mother, Robin finally got a hold of hers. She almost wishes she hadn't. At least then she could go on pretending for a few hours more that her mom's flight is just late rather than facing the fact that her mother was simply too scared to get on the plane.

"You know how it is, Robin," her mother had said. "I don't like to fly. You've always known that. You really should have considered it when you planned a wedding all the way in New York. But that's all right; I'll just stay here. I'm more comfortable at home than in hotels anyway, and I've never even heard of this Farhampton. Who knows what their accommodations would be like? Just send me pictures. It will practically be the same as if I'm there."

Now, ten minutes later down in the bar, all Robin wants to do is nurse a strong scotch – even if it isn't yet eleven in the morning. It doesn't matter that it's too early for scotch. She's feeling bitter and hurt, so hurt, as she has to tell Lily that her mom isn't coming; she has no plans at all to make it to her daughter's wedding.

She feels tears in the back of her throat again as Lily rubs her leg in comfort, trying to cheer her up by focusing on the positives, like what would ordinarily be the very fun idea of jointly convincing Barney that her mom is super fat and keep him comically worried for the rest of the weekend.

Loretta walks into the bar in the next moment and Robin gets ready for a further onslaught, though it's the last thing she needs right now. Lily apparently agrees since she jumps in first to tell Loretta to lay off for a while, as Robin's just found out her mom isn't coming to the wedding.

Robin tried to stop Lily from saying it out loud, but it's too late. Now all she can do is roll her eyes at the reaction that information surely will get. She would have preferred Loretta not knowing at all, in whatever way that might have been possible – even one of Barney's crazy _Wedding at Bernie's_ schemes. But it's out there now: her mom doesn't even care enough about her to show up. It's more fuel for Loretta's fire. One more thing that's wrong with her. One more way she's messed up.

However, the older woman merely hugs her. It must be a Stinson thing.

Robin is just as shocked as when Barney did the same thing when he first found out about her infertility. Only Barney's hug was motivated by love. She doesn't know what to make of this and she stands there motionless and unresponsive, not quite trusting it, not ready to be hurt to the core for the third time in one day. "Oh….um, okay, Loretta."

"My name's _Mom_," Loretta insists. "Don't you ever call me anything else. I'm Mom."

Loretta keeps right on hugging her tightly and just like with Barney back in the fall, Robin needs this hug desperately too. "Okay….Mom," she tries out the word, tries out the title on a woman who is actually here, wanting to be a part of her world. She blinks as she says it, tears pooling in her eyes again. Even though it isn't her birth mother – even if that relationship can never be fully repaired – it's still so tremendously nice to have a motherly influence hugging her this way, caring for her this way, just to have a woman in her life _to_ call Mom.

Loretta pulls back and starts to apologize. Sometimes she just gets carried away loving and protecting her children. But she doesn't even make it through the sentence because Robin is grabbing her, pulling her back in for more of that nurturing hug. For more of the feeling of a mother who wants to love and protect you. It's enough to start Robin crying again. "Your eggs are great, by the way."

"Yes, they are," Loretta acknowledges, still rocking her in a gentle hug, knowing better than to let go this time. "But, dear, eggs aren't everything. Barney loves you for a million reasons more. He couldn't care less if you can make an egg."

"That's true," Barney says, coming into the room and over to her side. When Robin hears his voice she pulls back from Loretta and turns to him instead. "Hey, it's all squared away now, right?" he asks gently when he sees the fresh tears she's been crying. "Did you get a chance to call your mom again?"

"She's not coming," Robin manages before she breaks down completely.

He takes her into his arms again, into his loving embrace, and the others step away to give them a bit of privacy as he softly whispers soothing words to her. "It's okay, Robin. I promise it's going to be okay."

Though she's devastated about her mom – no words can fix that – Robin does know absolutely that her inability to 'make eggs' really couldn't matter less to Barney. That alone can't remove the pain of being abandoned by her mother yet again, but it does make her feel wholly and unconditionally loved by him, which in the end is all she needs. And so she holds him tighter, burying her face in his neck.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: You may have noticed in my flashback to Robin telling Barney about her inability to have children I reverted to the original time frame HIMYM planned to use had it not been for the weather-related preemptions last season. I took my cue from the show itself, which must be operating on that same timetable since in 9.06 Robin said that Barney ran his proposal play for two months and that holds true according to the timeline of how the episodes were originally _meant_ to air, not according to when they actually did (all jumbled together in late November to mid-December, which would constitute only about one month).


	57. 909

**Platonish**

* * *

><p>"She just wouldn't get on the flight, Barney," Robin sobs, still clutching his lapels. "My own mother didn't care enough about my wedding to get on the flight."<p>

Even knowing he has his rehearsal dinner surprise up his sleeve it still makes Barney feel terrible. If he had only given in to her and had the wedding in Canada like she originally wanted no matter how inconvenient it would have been for all of their other friends and family at least it would mean Robin would get to have _her_ family there and she'd be happy right now instead of crying uncontrollably in a way she rarely ever breaks down. But it's too late for that. The best that he can do right now is make her feel better.

"Robin, your mom does care about you," he softly maintains. She only scoffs at that so he tries a different tactic. "Listen, these phobias are serious stuff. They're powerful. People want to but they can't help themselves. Four years ago we had an executive at GNB who was afraid of flying. He tried his damndest to get over it. Paid thousands of dollars for therapy, hypnosis – anything you can think of – and none of it worked. His entire career was on the line so obviously he did all he could, but by the time he missed his fourth flight to North Korea they fired him."

Robin sniffs contemplatively. Four years ago would be when she and Barney were together the first time. That summer she spent quite a bit of time at GNB meeting up with Barney at lunch for liaisons, often right there in his office. She became familiar with several of the regular staff during that time period. "I don't remember him. Did we ever meet?" she questions, wondering if this is one of those times when Barney has made up the story entirely.

"Oh no, he's dead now. Killed himself a month later when his money ran out," Barney states matter-of-factly. "But the point is that's gotta be what happened here."

"My mom is going to kill herself?"

"No," he smiles. "What I'm saying is I'm sure your mom _wanted_ to be here but her phobia was just too powerful." It's a lie. Really he's not sure at all. Personally, he can't imagine doing anything other than moving heaven and earth to see your own daughter get married, particularly when that daughter is as amazing as Robin, but then he can't fathom her father's treatment of her either. And truthfully he knows next to nothing about her mom. Maybe she _is_ the kind of woman who doesn't show up for her kid. Just the very fact that she took Robin's younger sister with her after the divorce but left Robin there to deal with Mr. Scherbatsky with no one else to defend her doesn't exactly bode well for the woman. But he's not about to say that to Robin, especially now.

Robin loosens her hold on Barney, pulling back a little to look at him. "Mom always _has_ been petrified of flying," she acknowledges. She's trying her hardest to hold on to Barney's bolstering thought: it's the phobia, and like with an addiction her mom simply can't help herself.

Barney strokes her shoulder tenderly, pressing a kiss to her temple. "See there. Of course your mom wants to see you get married, see you in your wedding dress. Robin, you are going to make the hottest, most gorgeous bride that ever existed. _I_ can't wait to see you. Your mom _has_ _to_ want that too. She just got scared, that's all." He isn't sure if he's said the wrong thing or the right thing, but it starts her crying afresh, tears gushing from her eyes.

Robin knows she must be making a mess of his suit, and she's crying in public on top of that, but she _really_ much wanted her mom to be there for her this weekend, to show her some love and affection, to make _her_ a top priority for once even if it is difficult and requires personal sacrifice to make it here. Barney's reassurance that her mom cares about her is sweet, all the more so because she knows that he's surely lying and only saying so to make her feel better. The fact that Barney loves her so much is heartening, but at the same time it can't dispel the sting of knowing just the opposite must be true of her mom based on her behavior – not just today but collectively; it's all part of a larger pattern. And even if it isn't her mom's fault, that doesn't change the fact that her own mother isn't going to be there to support her and watch her be married, or to even meet her new husband.

Lily walks back into the bar then, bringing Ted along with her. While Robin and Barney were talking she went to find him and catch him up to speed on what's happened. This is a significant crisis and to her mind it requires an entire group effort. But all things considered, Ted understands his position here and takes a seat in the far chair, knowing it's her fiancé's place to console her….and he doesn't get to wear that title.

Barney brushes the hair from Robin's face, kisses her cheek sweetly, and her tears at least reduce to flowing less violently. Between him and Lily they manage to ease Robin over onto the sofa where he sits down beside her, rubbing her thigh comfortingly.

Their efforts to soothe her and offer solace have been nice, but a half an hour later Robin is _still_ crying and it leaves her nerves raw. She's just so emotional right now and she hates it. She hates feeling this wounded and weak, yet she can't seem to snap out of it. "Okay, seriously I – I need to stop crying," she complains desperately. "Does anyone know how to turn this off? Is there like a button or something?" She doesn't often give in to crying jags but when she does she can never make it stop once it's started. The few times she's wept this way in the past it was almost always over Barney and the answer seemed to be crying herself to sleep. She'd wake up with a headache but the tears would be dried up. She doesn't want to try that method now though. It's only eleven in the morning; they just got up a few hours ago and there's too much still to do today.

"You want me to feel around for it?" Barney offers. A mischievous search for her 'stop crying' button – particularly focusing his efforts around that ticklish spot just beneath her left, third rib – could be exactly the thing she needs to make her laugh and smile, which is his top priority. "It's probably somewhere on your back."

He reaches around and down, his fingers finding the hem of her shirt, but she slaps his hand away. This is no time for his unfastening her bra tricks.

Barney easily reads her mind, but there was no funny business intended. He only tried to slip his hand inside her shirt because direct skin contact is more ticklish for her than through clothes. "I'm just trying to cheer you up," he defends.

She knows he means well and he's only trying to make her happier. But that's just it: it's not going to work, nothing is. She simply can't be cheered up after this – and that has her all the more upset. "I don't think that's possible at this point."

Those are words Barney simply cannot resist. "Challenge accepted."

"No, Barney," Robin sighs. "I just need to get myself to stop crying, that's all." She's not in the mood for his challenges right now. She's too frustrated and annoyed with herself, with these emotions, with this pain over her mother who judging by her own actions probably doesn't deserve it. And all this while she's getting married in just thirty-one hours. This is supposed to be happiest time of her life.

After that, Lily tries the unconventional method of scaring her tears away but it only results in giving her the hiccups, adding one more annoyance to her situation. "Look, guys, just seriously, don't worry about me, okay?" If she's left alone then maybe she can rein this all back in and force herself to pull it together. That's how she's always handled pesky emotions in the past. "Just let me deal with this on my own."

Nope, Barney thinks, not gonna happen. He understands the impulse to handle the messiness of feelings all by yourself probably better than anyone else, but that's a form of lone wolfing her emotions and they just agreed they had to break that habit. He's not going to allow her to internalize this. He's going to help her deal with it instead. That's what marriage is all about. But he couches it in terms she'll more easily swallow while she's already this upset and defensive. "I'm afraid that's not possible, Robin. Once I've accepted a challenge it cannot be unaccepted. I will not rest until the job is done."

"Oh is that so?" Lily interjects. "Then where are our diapers and samosas? Ah-ha!"

Barney smiles at that. He actually hasn't thought about that night – about his mysterious encounter that led to the missing diapers and samosas – since it happened, but it forever changed the course of his life. "I didn't fail that challenge. I forfeited it. Because I took on a new one. A much, much better one."

"Sure ya did. You just don't want to admit you couldn't pick up a girl."

"Seriously, Lily? After all the other challenges I passed that night you honestly don't think I could master what was clearly a simple errand dressed up to make me do it?"

Lily exchanges a busted look with Robin. What's more, she can't provide an answer to that because if Barney can pick up a girl squeaking like a dolphin then he _can_ pretty much pick one up anytime.

"I was in the drug store that night with your diapers and Robin's samosas when – " Barney cuts himself off, realizing that in order for them to best appreciate what happened he needs to better illuminate the rest of his actions that night. "Actually, to fully understand the story I need to back up a little. It all started earlier at MacLaren's….." 

* * *

><p>November 2012<p>

* * *

><p>Shaking off the chill of early November, Barney walks into MacLaren's and heads straight over to the booth just in time to hear Lily proclaiming that Ted and Robin are platonic. It doesn't take much guessing for him to figure out what spurred that response from her: now that Robin's single again Ted is back to wanting her. It seems they're both a glutton for punishment where she's concerned. At least he didn't receive the ultimate kiss of death the way that Ted did in the form of a very definite no, she doesn't love him. Still, though Robin may not have actually said that to <em>him<em>, her actions haven't been exactly favorable.

She'd been about to kiss him. He could see it in her eyes that she wanted to. She still wanted him. Their chemistry has always been off the charts. It only makes sense that in moments alone it's going to continue to draw them helplessly together. There _is_ a good chance he and Robin could hook up again. But there's also a chance she could hook up with just about any guy. That's what being single is about. And the fact that that chance doesn't belong exclusively to him eats away at Barney causing him to attempt to make light of the whole thing.

"Please. Ted and Robin are not platonic," he derides. How could they be when Ted still clearly wants to be with her? Meaning the same goes for the two of them too. "Just like _me_ and Robin are not platonic." Mentioning _their_ relationship, Barney falters a little and looks off, unable to maintain that same level of bravado. But he pulls it together quickly, coming out with the main point of his philosophy: no two single people in the world are ever strictly platonic. It's the _When Harry Met Sally_ point of view not exactly an original Stinson theory, but the movie had it spot-on. The guy _will_ want to have sex with the girl. Sex will always get in the way.

In the case of him and Robin, it ceased being about sex long ago. Certainly sex still remains a massive draw between them but it's the _feelings_ that truly get in the way – his desperate love for her that he tries so hard to hide and ignore. Of course that never works…..Because he can't stop loving her any more than he can stop breathing. He never meant to say any of that, but it's all true.

Trying to forget that for the night – he's always trying to forget – Barney caps the 'there are no platonic friendships' argument with his own addition of the Twenty Minute Theory, that two people can only be considered sincerely platonic if in the next twenty minute there is absolutely no chance of them hooking up.

So, yeah, he's ahead in that unlike Marshall that chance does exist for him with Robin, but it's a depressing realization that the most he can hope for with her is another lone night of making love after which she'll surely close him out again.

It's that knowledge that propels him to claim himself the sole survivor of the hypothetical bomb Robin and Marshall's relentless platonic-ness failed to defuse. That's right; Hypothetical Barney was upstairs banging Ted's mom.

He is forever awesome instead, and because of that he's off to get the blonde girl's number just like he did the night before. Sure, it's a thinly veiled distraction from Robin – from her apparent love of being single, from watching other guys hit on her, from the fact that their situation was entirely unaffected by her breakup, from remaining unable to fall asleep with her each night and wake up to her each morning; the list goes on and on, stupid list – but it's all he's got. He grabs the scotch he had delivered to help numb it all and takes off on tonight's diversionary attempt.

Over at the bar ordering her own drink, Robin's thoughts drift yet again to Barney. She can't help it. She noticed him come in five minutes ago. The smell of his cologne hit her first. Then she was aware of his presence passing behind her and from the corner of her eye she saw as he walked to the booth. She can always feel it whenever he's anywhere near. It's as if the air in the room changes – _something_, she's not even sure what. But she can always feel him, and her Barney senses were tingling the moment he walked in the bar.

The blunt truth is the past few days have been a whirlwind of confusion. Barney had been about to kiss her, it seemed, when Patrice called. But obviously she was mistaken. She misread the moment, because if he wanted to kiss her he would and he hasn't tried anything since.

After he burst into Splitsville and told Nick he was in love with her, Robin thought that Barney might go on to make some kind of overture to her – admit that perhaps a _part_ of it was real – but it's been three days and nothing even close to that has happened.

The first night after Splitsville they all hung out at Marshall and Lily's apartment. Lily was trying to console her by telling her that even without Nick she could find lots of other men to satisfy her sexual cravings….or maybe not even just men; she should keep an open mind. At least she thought that's what Lily said. It was all something of a blur to Robin. She was more interested in how Barney would act with her this first time seeing each other again. But even while chatting about the potential new lovers who could take her to Sexville, apparently Barney couldn't care less. All he did was interrupt to brag about all the action _he_ could score, which prompted Robin to start talking up the joys of being single herself – because if he doesn't care than neither does she – at which point Barney announced he was going downstairs to score some numbers and promptly left.

The second night, Robin got to MacLaren's and went to order a drink straightaway. Some bozo started hitting on her at the bar and by the time she blew the guy off Barney had convinced Ted to play a dual round of Have You Met Ted?/Have You Met Barney?. So never even so much as talked to him that night because halfway into that first drink Robin had seen enough and left.

On the third night, Barney set himself a crazy challenge to collect fifty women's numbers by closing time. When midnight rolled around and he already had forty-five, undoubtedly about to win, she didn't care to stick around and see who lucky number fifty was who he surely would go home with.

In all those nights Barney barely even flirted with her, but what he did do was run around picking up women right and left, back to his old ways as if the events at Splitsville never happened. It led her to only one conclusion: he clearly _had_ been faking it, just as he said.

While Robin's pondering that, continuing to wait for her much-needed mojito to finally be ready, she turns around just in time to see Barney leaning over some woman who appears to be writing down her number on a napkin. No thank you, she thinks, turning back to the bar. Luckily her drink is now ready. The moment its handed to her she violently stabs her straw into it – just to mix it around, of course – before joining Lily again.

Over at the blonde's table, Barney sees Robin return and immediately comes back to the booth, gravitating toward her side as he always naturally does. "Challenge completed," he directs the statement at her with as much Barney Stinson swagger as he can muster. But at the same time he rips up the woman's number because he has no intention or desire to actually sleep with her. That's what Robin does to him. That's how she's left him. Hopelessly in love with her, wanting only her – no other woman will do – and yet she's just out of arms reach, forever taunting him. Nevertheless, he can't resist and pulls up a chair beside her.

But on this fourth night, Robin can't take any more of watching Barney run around after bimbos. Something snaps in her and she has to point out to him how silly his little challenge is and how this particular woman isn't even worthy bait….all in the hope that he won't actually sleep with her. Sure, he ripped up her number but that was just for show. The woman's still right here in the bar, within easy banging range, and he never would've called her anyway. A phone call is not what he's after.

Fortuitously, Lily chimes in to second her notion that Barney's latest challenge was weak at best. She even calls him out on his practice of only accepting challenges he comes up with, ones he knows ahead of time that he can win. And her next suggestion, that the two of _them_ be the ones to come up with Barney's challenges tonight, causes Robin to break out in her first genuine smile of happiness since Splitsville. The opportunity to design Barney's challenges – impossible ones he'll never win – to watch him squirm, to play with him for the night is too good to pass up.

Barney accepts it all like a champion. The harder, the better, as far as he's concerned – and this time in more ways than one. The more difficult the challenge is, the more concentration it will require, therefore providing an even better mental distraction from his true woes.

Setting out on his first challenge, he makes a set of shockingly realistic dolphin noises and Robin laughs, smiling up at him affectionately. Why does everything about him have to appeal to her? Why does he have to be the only one who sets her heart racing, who is by far the most exciting part of her day, her life, her existence? She instantly tries to shove those thoughts down and lock them back up in the place they've remained captive inside of her all summer long, focusing on the fun of the challenge instead.

But as much as she loves playing with Barney – a safe admission because it's just shenanigans and a game is simply a game, right? – Robin _doesn't_ love watching him hit on random women and gladly accepts Lily's invitation to head upstairs for a quiet girl's dinner. It's an invite she can now accept without any confusing feelings niggling at her because she has the safety of knowing that with the rules they've set Barney is certain to strike out repeatedly, yet with his dogged determination to always win a challenge he'll keep at it all night – meaning he won't be going home with anyone tonight, all thanks to her and Lily.

Fifteen minutes later, after going up to the apartment to take her turn with Marvin while Marshall goes out, Lily has already successfully put her son down for the night and the two woman are in the kitchen making grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. Or rather Lily is doing all the cooking while Robin gathers the dishes and utensils.

No matter which one of them is living there at the moment, every time it feels good to Robin to be back in the apartment and she moves about the kitchen with the comfort and ease of a place she called home for almost four years. She's just gotten the bowls down from the cupboard and the spoons from the drawer, setting both on the counter, when Barney comes in.

He holds up his phone, bragging slyly at the new addition of Dolphin Girl's number and Robin cries out in disbelief, aghast that the dolphin squeaks actually worked. Smacking her hand against her thigh in agitation, she peevishly declares, "Not possible!" That was supposed to _stop_ him from picking up a girl.

"It was the performance of a lifetime." Barney really is quite proud of the skilled accomplishment and even throws in a little double entendre for Robin's benefit. "Man, if I had hung around a few more minutes I could've probably gotten her to touch my blowhole," he winks at her.

But Robin's had enough and rips his phone away. One way or another she's going to see to it that he can't hook up with this woman. If the dolphin noises didn't put her off then she'll just have to convince the girl herself not to sleep with him.

Barney lets Robin easily take his phone without even putting up a fight. He doesn't mind if she does delete the number. He wouldn't have called her either. It's not about sex. Honestly, he doesn't even want that. Sex stopped being a sufficient distraction a long time ago. This is all about the _game_. It's about keeping going, going, going so he never has to stop, never has to think, never has to hurt sitting home alone pining for Robin and what can never be.

A moment later, while receiving Lily's ire and disgust, Barney hears Robin talking on his phone. He hadn't expected her to actually call the girl, but touché. It's a gutsy move and, smirking, he comes over close to her to watch what goes down.

Sparring with Robin this way is far more exciting than actually having sex with any of these other women. He doesn't even care when she talks the woman into being celibate for a year, thus sabotaging his chances. It's ingenious and only makes him admire her all the more.

"No boys. One year. I think you know I'm right about this," Robin says, and Barney looks down at her like she hung the stars. Because in his world she did. In his world everything comes back to her, revolves around her. God, he loves her….

But he can't think about that. He's got to think about anything _but_ that. That fact is too much, too hard to deal with. Only disappointment lies down that road and he knows it.

She ends the call, looking him right in the eyes with a wry sense of humor. "That was heartbreaking," she tells him, setting the phone in his palm.

For an instant her skin brushes his and it feels too much like heaven, making him need the mask of his womanizing more than ever. "And pants breaking," he lewdly adds. "_Boing_!"

Robin screws up her face at the cartoonish sound of his erection for this other woman and she moves back away from him across the kitchen. With her hand on her hip, she eyes Barney warily as he speaks of his next challenge, of the next girl who isn't her that he's going to go attempt to sleep with. And when Lily decides the next challenge will be to pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag, Robin glares over at her sourly. What was she thinking with _that_ for a challenge? That's not going to be difficult for Barney. A woman would sleep with him even in a garbage bag, no contest. She crosses her arms over her chest, not finding this fun anymore. In fact, she's really starting to dislike this game.

But then Barney makes a Glad and Hefty joke. "And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of," he impishly states. Robin just has to smile. She's powerless to fight it….Of course these women are going to give him their number, she realizes again. _Of course_ they're going to sleep with him. Who wouldn't?

When Lily adds on to the challenge that the use of letter E is now forbidden too, that does sweeten the deal. Robin figures it ought to at least keep him preoccupied from actually sleeping with anyone for a bit while he's thinking up a strategy and that makes her feel good enough to actually enjoy the impromptu meal Lily's making them.

Twenty minutes later, Robin is sitting on the couch talking with Lily over soup and sandwiches about the latest unbelievably annoying thing that happened at work with Patrice when Barney comes walking back in, ripping off the trash bag he has on over his suit.

Robin looks up at him in dismay. She'd barely even gotten to touch her soup. How could he have managed to pick up a girl already? This is getting ridiculous.

"You're gonna have to try harder than that," he smiles down at her.

And that's enough to set a fire under her.

She needs something _much_ more difficult, something that will make Lily's whole garbage bag thing seem like child's play, something that is going to keep Barney occupied all night but doesn't include banging half the women in MacLaren's.  
>She sets down her grilled cheese triangle with a look of pure determination. "Challenge accepted."<p>

Barney grins after her as she goes, turning to appreciate the sight of her tight little ass in those clinging grey pants. What he wouldn't give to be taking _her_ home…..But not just tonight, _every_ night. And that's precisely the problem: she won't let him.

Down in the bar, Robin picks her target. Delighting inwardly all the while, she convinces the woman she has a genuine chance of hooking up with Ryan Gosling tonight. _That_ will ensure Barney gets absolutely nowhere with her; it's like locking an invisible chastity belt. Smiling smugly, Robin sashays back up the stairs to the apartment. With Barney thus guaranteed to strike out tonight the dinner waiting for her is going to taste like something other than sawdust now.

When the apartment door abruptly swings open and Robin curtly issues her challenge, Barney puts down her bowl of soup and takes off after the pre-sabotaged redhead at the bar. Because this is a game – and with this one coming from Robin alone it's become an even more personal challenge to conquer.

As soon as he leaves, Robin reclaims the space where he'd been sitting, reaching for her bowl and diving into Lily's delicious homemade meal. But before she can get more than a spoonful in, the redhead stops her.

"Do you want a new bowl?" Lily offers sympathetically. "Barney's been eating yours the whole time you were gone."

Robin's forehead scrunches up in confusion as she takes another bite. "No." There's plenty left in the bowl so she doesn't see why Barney sharing some should bother her. With her mind still preoccupied with Barney and challenges and everything that's happened lately, her next thought slips out aloud without first being filtered and restrained as is her usual practice when it comes to talking about their past relationship. "We used to have sex a minimum of twice a day, Lily. I think eating from the same soup bowl has got to be about the least intimate thing we've done."

Lily looks over her in surprise. "True," she agrees carefully. "But that was a long time ago."

Something about that statement riles Robin, the thought that her history with Barney is just that: history. Long ago, doesn't matter now, null and void, it has no hold over him whatsoever. She doesn't like that idea at all. It puts her on the defensive and without thinking she petulantly blurts out, "Last year wasn't that long ago."

"You slept with Barney _last year_?!" Lily questions, completely riveted, her eyes as big as saucers.

Robin feels her stomach sink. How had she let herself admit that? She must be truly slipping. She blames Barney's antics, distracting her with what – and who – he's doing downstairs. Her appetite completely gone now, she sets her soup bowl down on the coffee table with a thud and stumbles to get out of this. "I…I…It's not that big of a deal," she lies.

Lily ignores that entirely, recognizing Robin's lie for what it is, because sleeping with Barney again is obviously a _huge_ deal. "How did it happen? When did it happen? Spill it."

Robin sighs, knowing full well Lily won't let this rest until she gets at least some partial answers. "It was last November," she discloses, trying to make it all sound offhanded and unimportant. She gets up and brings her barely touched sandwich and soup into the kitchen in an effort to avoid Lily's initial scrutiny. Pouring them each a glass of desperately-needed red wine, she reveals the rest. "The night Marshall slapped Barney and I helped him home."

"Wait. When you were going out with Kevin and he was still with Nora?" Sudden realization dawns on Lily and she gasps, her eyes growing even bigger. "Oh my god! That's why they broke up, isn't it?"

Guilt creeps up Robin's skull and she answers cagily, "You'll have to ask Barney that." Honestly, she doesn't know the answer to that. It could be that his conscience drove him to confess and _she_ dumped him after that. For all she knows maybe Nora figured it out on her own and Barney had no intentions to actually come clean himself, just as she'd suspected that night…..Or it could be that he _did_ break up with his girlfriend for her, to get involved in some manner, perhaps to enter into a friends with benefits type situation he later went on to suggest to her at We B Babies.

The look on his face that night – a look she'll never forget – seemed to indicate it was the latter, but Barney swore that her staying with Kevin was no big deal and his rampant whoring around afterwards surely proved he was telling the truth. "I – I don't….We didn't talk about it," she mumbles, sinking back down onto the couch with their wine.

"No, you didn't," Lily reasons it out, the wheels in her mind working like crazy and all at once coming up with a very clear picture of what happened last fall. "You guys were always hanging all over each other, and then just like that you didn't talk much at all…..Wow." She grabs her glass of wine, taking a triumphant sip. "This explains so much." Back during that summer she could tell Robin and Barney were teetering on the edge of something far more than friendship. Clearly they eventually fell into bed together and then didn't know how to deal with it afterwards. "I told you back at Punchy's wedding that you two have the kind of chemistry that just doesn't go away," Lily reminds her braggingly, because naturally she had them all figured out from the start. "But you were supposed to tell him one way or the other if you two were ever going to happen. You weren't supposed to make him cheat on his girlfriend." They're like emotional children; it's not that different than dealing with the students in her class.

Offended, Robin insists, "I didn't _make_ him." But then a significant portion of her bluster deflates in wake of the truth. "Not – not exactly." She can't deny, even to herself, that she entered that cab with 100% intentions to get herself back on Barney's radar. "….I mean, I did bring up our kiss in the hurricane."

"Your _what_?" From where Lily's sitting, this story just keeps getting better and better.

Robin screws her eyes shut, kicking herself for revealing even more. "Our _almost_ kiss," she clarifies as if that makes all the difference in the world. That's what she told herself at the time anyway.

Lily's mouth drops open at the juiciness of it all; this is better than _Woodworthy Manor_. "Were you and Barney secretly doing it all last fall?" she asks excitedly. Before Robin can respond, she continues, "That would make so much sense. I told Marshall you two were way too chummy for something not to be going on!"

"Lily, _no_. I would _not_ have an affair," Robin is quick to assert. It goes against all her principals. "If I had been sleeping with Barney, I wouldn't be dating anyone else." But she _did_ cheat, her conscience reminds her. "It – it was just the once and then never again, I swear." Her heart just took over her body for the night and she was powerless to stop it.

"Well, did you talk about it at _all_? About what that one time you just couldn't help meant to each of you?"

Robin rolls her eyes in ridicule. "Yeah, Lil. Because Barney and I _love_ to sit around and talk about feelings. Get your head out of your ass."

That certainly may be but, all the same, Lily is transparently horrified that they could have such a meaningful encounter and then not say a word to each other about it afterwards. She can't fathom how that even works. "But you didn't at least ask if – "

"I _did_ ask him if it meant anything to him," Robin interrupts in frustration. Contrary to what Marshall thinks, she's not an emotional robot. Certainly she wanted to know if it had just been sex to Barney or something more, like it was for her.

"_And_?" Lily prompts expectantly.

"He said yes." She hears Lily's enthusiastic gasp and knows she has to shut that down. "And then he said no," she finishes acerbically.

"He said both? That doesn't – "

"It's complicated….." Actually, Barney simply asked her which one _she_ wanted to hear so he could reply accordingly, which wasn't exactly a flattering reaction after reuniting with the man she'd spent months pining over. "But it doesn't matter now anyway. After that he met Quinn, and you know the rest."

"Robin, of course this matters," Lily laughs at her friend's assertion that cheating on her boyfriend with Barney was no big deal. "This changes _everything_…..And it sounds like you started it," she slyly accuses.

"No. It was mutual," Robin firmly replies. That's one thing she's certain of. He wanted her that night just as desperately as she wanted him. Even Barney can't fake that kind of passion.

"The sex was, but _you_ started talking about when the two of you kissed before, which lead to you actually kissing, I'm sure." Lily crosses her arms smugly. Once again The Wolf has both Robin and the entire situation last November figured out precisely. "….And then clothes started to come off."

Robin chews her lip, wondering how this got so out of hand so fast. "Well not right there in the cab," she defends.

It turns out that was the exact wrong thing to say.

"You were making out already in the cab?" Lily asks, shocked.

It seems every word out of her mouth is digging an increasingly bigger hole, so Robin takes a huge gulp of her wine without answering. It does nothing to deter Lily, however, who's like a bloodhound on the scent of salacious secrets and scandalous gossip.

"That's even worse," Lily proclaims, so keyed up Robin is sure she's mere seconds away from a case of the hiccups. "That means you didn't just wander down the hall to his bedroom. That I could see – especially with you guys. You start making out, there's a bed conveniently right there, one thing leads to another, and then you're pounding each other into oblivion," she imagines perhaps a little too keenly. "….But what you two did wasn't like that at all. You had to consciously get out of that cab and go upstairs with Barney, knowing you were going up there to sleep with him. It was premeditated sex is what it was," she astutely accuses.

"Look, I don't want to talk about this, okay?" Robin snaps. But then she forces herself to pull it back some. None of this is Lily's fault and it isn't fair to take it out on her. "Can we please just talk about something else?" she asks, dangerously close to begging. Yet she knows Lily isn't likely to let this go unless she has a new distraction. The first thing that comes to mind is the uncomfortable elephant in the room of their friendship, and at the moment Robin considers it the lesser of two evils. "Hey," she suggests overly brightly, "let's just drink down this wine and then….I don't know, maybe we can make some martinis."

"Really?" Lily perks up hopefully. Robin had forbidden drinking martinis together back in 2011.

"Sure. Let's just – let's talk about _that_, and just keep drinking." That's Robin's new plan: distract Lily in the short-term and, since she's been a bit of a lightweight since she started drinking again after her pregnancy, soon she'll be too drunk to act weird with her _or_ to keep talk about that time Robin premeditatedly cheated with Barney. If she's lucky, perhaps Lily won't even remember this in the morning.

Before they even reach the bottom of their wine glasses, though, Barney comes back into the apartment, noticeably alone, without any proclamations of victory – and that suits Robin just fine. Consciously, she's tried to make this all about winning the challenge game….and if it goes any deeper than that it's about protecting Barney from himself and how he's hurting in the wake of his breakup with Quinn, etc. etc. But the reality she's subconsciously aware of yet doesn't want to admit to herself is that mostly she's just _incredibly_ jealous and wants Barney's attention back on her, the way she was so expectant that it would be after what happened at Splitsville.

Sitting down in the chair, Barney announces nonchalantly, "That girl wasn't my type."

"Which is what you usually say after you strike out," Robin smirks. "But that's alright….Only one of us could come out on top," she says smartly, purposefully leaving him the opening for a flirtatious double entendre. "Challenge completed. I win."

"Oh you think so, huh?"

It's not exactly the dirty response she expected but there's something playful in his tone that encourages her and so she plays along, nodding knowingly. "Mm-hmm, and it's okay to admit it, Barney. Her loss, right? You won't find better company than this anyway."

"Damn straight," Lily chimes in, not missing the undercurrent between them and feeling decidedly left out by Barney's sudden reappearance. "Especially later on over martinis when Robin and I start to get a little _stupid_." She leans over into Robin, setting her chin on her shoulder as she gulps down the last of her wine.

Oblivious, Robin's gaze stays locked on Barney as she smiles engagingly. "Now that that's over, you can stay here and eat dinner with the rest of us instead of going off on another challenge. I mean, come on; just admit how silly those were."

She's smiling over at him dazzlingly and Barney is dying to unzip her leopard blouse the rest of the way, dying to lay his heart at her feet and beg her to love him even just a little. Instead, he says, "I'll admit no such thing. Not when I'm holding this!" He stands up, waving his phone out for them to see. "That's right. The redhead's number!"

Robin watches him self-contentedly tuck his phone back into his pocket and she stands up too, crossing her arms, not wanting to believe it – definitely not wanting to hear it. "No."

Lily just rolls her eyes at this continued interruption from all the getting stupid they were about to do.

Robin's eyes fall shut now and she shakes her head. "Just, no." She can't keep running point this way. It's getting exhausting. Barney's right; women _are_ just determined to fall on his 'sword' and there's not a thing she can do to stop it from happening. Not that she should be anyway, she quickly corrects herself. What is wrong with her? Why does she keep voluntarily walking back toward the fire when each and every time she winds up getting burnt?

Realizing the evening has now taken a permanent turn and there will be no martinis in her immediate future, Lily gives up and says the words she knows Barney is dying to hear. "Congratulations, you win."

To the contrary of Lily's prediction, her concession is actually quite alarming to Barney and the exact opposite of what he wants. "Win? _No_. I don't want to win." Winning means he has to either go home to an empty apartment and long for Robin – as he's done the past few weeks, truthfully – or he has to go out and bang one of these woman he could care less about just to prove that he can. Both options are tragically bleak. "I want to keep playing," he persists with a hint of desperation. "More challenges."

Barney claps, "More challenges, more challenges", like a little kid and even knowing she's a fool Robin's heart still wants to leap into that fire with him. That's what he does to her. That's what he's always done to her. And it's like a double-edged sword because her spirit rejoices around him and wants nothing more than to play with his – to simply be near his – for all time, but on the other hand her head knows that's impossible.

However, when Lily takes up the game again, challenging Barney to go buy some diapers, Robin knows exactly where she's going with this and it brightens her mood again. She even joins in, adding the provision that he has to get her a samosa from the Indian place. Because Barney is spot on – this isn't a challenge; it _is_ an errand – and it guarantees she'll get to satisfy the samosa craving she's had all day that's even stronger than her mojito craving was.

But, more importantly, it means in order to complete the challenge he'll have to hurry back here to deliver their items to them and brag about the new girl's number he just collected, which means he won't be sleeping with said girl once he gets her number.

And then maybe after he returns to declare victory they can all spend a nice evening together in the safety of the apartment where there aren't any random bimbos to pose a threat, and her best girlfriend is there too as a safety-zone-buffer to prevent her from getting a little _too_ stupid – and not in the way Lily might like. In a way that solely involves Barney Stinson and a reenactment of all the fantasies and dreams she's been having over the past month, dreams she used to close her eyes and make Nick satisfy. It never worked to banish the fantasies, but it was good in the moment.

Now with Nick gone, she's down to the real thing…..and if given half a chance it would be _so_ tempting to be a little stupid with him tonight, any night.

* * *

><p>Across town, now on the Upper East Side, Barney collects samosas to-go from the Indian place near his apartment that's unquestionably Robin's favorite. Then he heads out to a drugstore around the corner where he can collect Lily's diapers before grabbing a cab and claiming his win back at the apartment.<p>

As he walks his mind begins to wander, contemplating how exactly he got to this point of spending a Friday night manically racing from one unworthy challenge to the next, reduced to becoming an errand boy, all in an effort to try and outrun his broken heart. He may have convinced Robin he was lying about the things he told Nick. He may have bamboozled all of them, but his own mind and heart are a much tougher sell. They betray him with the truth, making it virtually impossible to maintain the pain-free bubble of denial he'd prefer. He has a habit of being his own worst enemy that way.

In fact, this situation with Robin is just like it was with his dad near the end. He had always known Bob Barker wasn't really his dad, but he _chose_ to buy into the lie. The way he sees it, there are different levels of denial. There's the one where it's so thick and you've told yourself the lie so often that you now actually believe it to be the truth and if someone asked you'd genuinely think that you are not in denial at all. Then there is the much lesser level of denial where you know the lie for what it is, a lie and nothing more, and deep down – and in some cases, like his, not even all that deep down – you know that you're simply fooling yourself, actively choosing to live a lie, but you do it anyway because the lie is easier to deal with and far less painful than the truth. It's not denial so much as pretending, reverting into make-believe where life is simpler and no one gets hurt. That's what Bob Barker was for him, but he always knew it was only pretend.

When he and James were about to meet Sam Gibbs, the man who was one of their fathers, it was a moment of such poignant truth that emotion took over and he finally let go of the lie. He admitted the truth that day to himself and others: he's not crazy; he knows Bob Barker isn't his dad. But immediately on the heels of opening up to that truth he was dealt a harsh blow. He thought he was about to meet his father and possibly be able to have the meaningful relationship with his _actual_ dad that he'd been dreaming about his entire life. In that moment outside Sam's door he allowed himself to have hope only to discover his hope was false and in fact he was right back to where he started, with little to no hope at all and now with the harsh disappointment of having opened up his heart to anticipation and belief only to be let down once again. And so in the aftermath of that severe disillusionment, he retreated right back into hard and fast pretending – this time that _Sam_ was his dad, an obvious lie that he knew was a lie but still far easier than admitting the truth.

Now the truest corners of his heart recognize that he's doing the exact same thing with Robin. When she first started talking about wanting to break up with Nick, it gave Barney hope. Not that they would automatically come together, but just that things might be different now and that maybe they could gradually forge their way toward thinking about a relationship with each other again now that there's nothing to stand in their way, unlike before. So when she was hovering on the cusp of being single and free, much like that moment outside of Sam's house, Barney's emotions took over in his speech to Nick at Splitsville and he finally admitted the truth to himself and others that he's desperately in love with Robin and always will be.

Of course immediately afterwards he was horrified knowing that he'd just revealed his hand without seeing her cards at all and he instantly tried to backtrack to save face. But then Robin's reception was _positive_. She didn't merely swallow the lie as he'd expected. Instead, she kept trying to get him to admit that he really _did_ mean what he said. She touched his chest tenderly in a way that lovers do and he was caught up in the moment, emboldened enough by her behavior to openly flirt with her. She was even about to kiss him, so for the first time in a long time he actually had real hope that she might have feelings for him too.

And then that phone call interrupted them.

After Robin hung up with Patrice, nothing more ever came of it. The rest of the walk back to her place she ignored everything that happened after they left the restaurant. She even seemed to be encouraging his womanizing. As they stood awkwardly outside her building, Robin gave him a funny little look and said, "So….I guess I should thank you. I suppose it _is_ a good thing you're so great at fooling good-looking idiots, after all. I mean that's what you did for me tonight….right?" Not knowing what else to say and not about to admit to anything more without some encouragement from her, he replied, "Yeah. Right. It is. Just lying and tricking idiots. It's what I do best." After that she smiled tightly and replied, "I'm sure that'll come in handy tomorrow night at the bar", before turning away, mumbling a quick goodbye, and heading inside.

There had been this small but still tenaciously rearing its head part of him that wanted to believe – that truly, _truly_ hoped – maybe just maybe once Robin broke up with Nick things could be different between them. But even after yet another near kiss, she just pushed him away like she always does. Now it's been three days and it's absolutely clear that being broken up with Nick, that his speech at Splitsville, that Robin almost kissing him – it all changed nothing. It's as if the whole thing never happened.

Even though Robin's single now, they are _both_ single now for the first time since they slept together last year, she's still not exactly running into his arms. He knows now that there's still _something_ there for her, otherwise she wouldn't have touched him that way or even come close to kissing him. That night made him realize that Robin is still attracted to him, yes, and possibly even willing to sleep with him under the right circumstances. There is a chance they could hook up again like they did before. But more than anything, what that night reiterated and re-established is that is all it will _ever_ be. He might get another night with her like last November, but all that will ever follow in its wake is another cruel disappointment like the following night at MacLaren's. It will always end the same way it did last year.

He may be granted little stolen moments with her, a night here and there if he's lucky, just a _taste_ of what he longs for but can never have for real. And what is the sense of that? A collection of one-night stands with Robin is the best he has to hope for, so there's no use; there _is_ no hope. And just like witnessing James living what _he_ wanted to be living himself with his own dad, that painful knowledge has caused him to revert right back to what he was doing before: pretending. Pretending that he doesn't love Robin, pretending that a lifetime of sleeping around is the awesomest thing ever, pretending that hooking up with random women from the bar for meaningless sex makes him happy.

Only now, with the situation bleaker than it's ever been, he has to pretend even harder and faster, trying to outrun himself, desperately needing the challenges to continue all night – every second – so he never has to have quiet lonely moments alone with his thoughts, alone with the truth. Instead it's full speed ahead with pretending and posturing, with 'Look, at how awesome I am and how _great_ my life is. I'm a master at the game. I can get any girl's number, so what would I have to feel sad about?'.

Until his encounter with this stranger brings it all to a screeching halt.

This stranger, who won't give him her number, thinks he's doing all this – targeting women this way in a drug store – because as she puts it, "You're really sad about something and this is your way of feeling better about yourself."

The stunningly accurate description throws Barney for a loop, so when she offers to give him "something better" he's ready to walk away and end this disturbing confrontation with the truth, pretending to go meet her in Aisle 6.

But she then pulls him back, giving him a hug of all things. "It's gonna be okay," she assures him. "You're a good guy. You will get through this."

It's jolting, this entire disturbingly perceptive encounter, and Barney tries to dismiss it. He tries to write the woman off as some kind of weirdo. But he can't manage to do it, because far from being a weirdo she's analyzed him expertly and it rocks his world to realize that he's that transparent, that anyone can so easily see through his mask of awesomeness to the true pain underneath.

That's why he has to keep following after her. It hits too close to home – a direct hit, in fact – and something in him won't let him leave it be.

But at the same time, his inherent go-to when cornered is to keep right on pretending all the harder. This mysterious woman picked it out and called him for exactly what he is so he _has_ to protest it. He has to keep insisting that he _isn't_ hurting, he isn't brokenhearted. He has to wrap that denial around him like a security blanket.

"What do you mean sad?" Barney queues up in the checkout line behind the mystery woman, indignantly questioning, "How could you call _me_ sad?"

* * *

><p>Over at the apartment, Robin checks her phone for about the thirtieth time, looking for some text from Barney to explain why he hasn't come back. You know, something other than because he got preoccupied banging the girl <em>she<em> sent him to pick up. But when her message box is still empty, she has to face facts. "Well, I guess Barney must have won….And now he's too busy collecting his reward to let us know."

Having been friends now for many years, Lily can sense her tension. And having had a front row seat to the dramatic rollercoaster that is Barney and Robin, it's fairly easy to discern why. "Robin, are you okay? Because it kinda sounds like you're jealous."

Robin bristles at the word 'jealous', her guard immediately going up. "That's ridiculous. I don't want to talk about this," she adds before Lily can get in a word edgewise. Pocketing her phone glumly, she walks into the kitchen in search of some kind of distraction. In this case, eating might do. She remembers seeing a jar of olives in the cupboard….

But Lily doesn't miss the sad and obviously upset expression on her friend's face that lets her know Robin doesn't at all like the thought of Barney hooking up with some other woman. Clearly, what happened between her and Barney last year _does_ still matter. Barney was wrong about Robin and Ted, but he hit it spot-on about him and Robin: they are so _not_ platonic. Not even close. She wants to say as much to Robin even though Robin doesn't want to talk about it, but then Marshall and Ted come back from the game, effectively shutting down the conversation.

* * *

><p>Back at the drug store, Barney lays a fifty down on the counter for the diapers and is so riled up he doesn't even bother waiting for his change as he hurries after the strange woman.<p>

What is it about him that makes her think he's sad? He'd asked her as much while she paid for her merchandise. Her response – "Because you _are_ sad" – had been good-natured and delivered with a sweet smile, but it was an indictment all the same and he demands to know, "_Why_ would you think that?"

"It's okay." She pats his arm sympathetically, disarming him all the more. "You don't have to explain why you're sad. Just know that it _will_ get better."

She turns to walk out of the store and Barney can hardly believe it. How dare this woman pity him? But she does; he can see that she does. He follows after her, determined to make his point that he is forever awesome instead. "Sad? Lady, I got fourteen girl's numbers in the last hour – and this was an off night." He's resorted to pathetic bragging, clinging to the only thing he's got, which inadvertently proves her point that he _is_ doing this at least in part to try to feel better about himself. Nevertheless, he forces a laugh at the supposed preposterousness of her claim. "What could I _possibly_ have to be sad about?"

The mystery woman pauses before her subway entrance, turning to meet his eyes, and what she says next tips his world on end.

She might as well have been there, so perfectly is she describing the last three years of his life: he was in love and he messed it up and every day since then has been spent in an effort to outrun the truth, frantically attempting to distract himself, trying in vain to ignore how much he's dying inside for Robin and Robin alone.

After the devastating disappointment of learning Sam Gibbs wasn't his father, even that museum security guard revealing the truth about his 'Uncle Jerry', thus sounding the death knell of years of denial, still couldn't quite shake Barney from his self-imposed pretending to face reality. It took the death of Marshall's father to finally do that.

This is the same sort of eye-opening moment about Robin.

Not his feelings for her – those were entirely apparent to him back at Splitsville when he laid his heart out bare at her feet – but of the actual reality of these past three years: the mistakes he's made, what he's truly been doing, how he's only been half living, the fact that it's _all_ been about Robin.

This woman's exact assessment right down to a tee brings it slamming home that he's not fooling anyone, least of all himself. Even a complete stranger could read him like an open book.

"I – I didn't….I'm….." And finally he gives it up, denial falling away, leaving truth and vulnerability behind. "How did you know?"

"It isn't hard to see," she answers, and there's that kind smile again. "It's pretty obvious, actually. But never mind that. Come sit down with me." She leads him over to a nearby bench and waits until she sees that he's going to comply, sinking down onto the bench beside her like a lost lamb. "Now, tell me about her. Tell me what happened."

"She's….she's a friend of mine. We've been friends for years, but there was always something more, you know?" The woman nods attentively and she appears sincerely emphatic, but even so he's not about to tell this stranger everything. He still has _some_ pride left to protect, so he decides to abbreviate the story of him and Robin, to make it seem like less of a big deal and not the single, gut-wrenching truth of his life that his heart and soul depend upon.

"We tried dating a while back and it was a disaster." In the end it was, anyway. Robin was unhappy and he knew it. That, in turn, made him unhappy. He felt like he was failing her and because of that he wanted to run. He thought it would be the best thing for her too. "But I – I always regret giving up. It just ended so quickly." They were madly in love one day and the next back to being 'just friends'. It was jarring, and the heart doesn't work like that. He couldn't just shut off his love for her. Surviving those first few months after their breakup – where he could see her and be around her but he couldn't hold her and kiss her and love her the way he longed to – was excruciating. And he eventually learned it was for Robin too. Looking back, Barney sometimes thinks that if he _had_ tried harder to save the relationship they might have been able to get past their rough patch and could still be together now.

In the aftermath of his confession, to stave off the awkwardness of how real things just got and because it seems like the companionable thing to do, Barney throws it to her, asking this stranger about _her_ life love. She replies broadly, ultimately turning the tables back to him again. "Are you gonna go get this girl, or what?" she asks like the answer is as simple as can be and he's stupid for even questioning it.

What this woman doesn't understand is that you can't just 'go get' Robin Scherbatsky. He knows firsthand; he already tried that once and still bears the scars from his effort. But he's not about to admit _that_ to a stranger so he goes with the posturing, tries one last time to go back to the act. He _always_ goes with the act; that's how he survives. "I don't know. I'm kinda at my peak right now. I don't know if I can just walk away from the game." He stares ahead blankly, not meeting her eye, hoping _she_ will at least buy the lie he's never quite been able to sell to himself.

"Do you want to keep playing or do you want to win?" she poses.

That's the second time in an hour someone's asked him that question and his answers, both coming straight from the heart, are different but ironically so very the same.

_I don't want to win. I want to keep playing_, he'd told Lily before. At the time he thought 'winning' meant going home to sleep with randoms and 'keep playing' meant avoiding that fate awhile longer. But now this stranger is pointing out it's actually just the opposite. 'Winning' means getting out of the game entirely. Yes, it will mean forever renouncing the randoms – something he's readily prepared to do – but it also means that if he _ever_ wants to be with Robin instead he's got to stop playing these games altogether and it has to start _now_.

"I want to win."

It's all dawning on him so clearly now. He wants to win. He wants to be with Robin. _Of course_ he wants to be with Robin; that wasn't ever a question. But what he's realizing now is that is never going to happen if he keeps playing around, if he just keeps wallowing in uncertainty, self-doubt, and self-protection. It's never going to happen if he continues to allow himself to flounder in such hopelessness that he doesn't even _try_.

…..And this woman, this kind stranger, she doesn't think it's so hopeless. Even knowing at a glance that he messed it up badly, she _still_ thinks there's real hope that he can go get Robin back, that he can still be with her again. There isn't even a trace of a hesitation that that's what he wants, and now this stranger has made him see that there _is_ still a chance. There is _always_ still a chance.

But not if he gives up again. Not if he doesn't even make an effort. "What am I doing?" Barney wonders aloud. He's wasting his chances, that's what. Here, across town from Robin, trying to collect numbers and be 'awesome' when it's the last thing he actually wants to be doing.

With his dad, he went on pretending until something rocked his world. Had it not been for Marshall's dad dying, he would have never gone to dinner at Jerry's. Marvin Sr.'s sudden heart attack made Barney realize that although trying to forge a relationship with _his_ real dad would be difficult – might even be impossible and certainly emotionally painful, potentially even overwhelmingly heartbreaking – he had to do it anyway because if he continued running from himself and the truth he was never going to get anywhere. It was a _guarantee_ he'd never have the relationship that he wanted with his dad if he never even tried. The death of Marshall's father woke him up to the fact that he could no longer go on wasting time and wasting his chances when time and chances are valuable and not infinitely available.

And now his conversation with this enigmatic woman has brought Barney around to that same conclusion about Robin.

Yes, pursuing her again means taking a difficult, possibly devastating risk but that's exactly what he must do to ever have the hope of the life he wants with Robin. He can't just keep hiding his head in the sand in a world of outrageous challenges and make-believe, trying his best to ignore the pain. That will get him precisely nowhere. If he doesn't go all-in, cards on the table, end of the game, no more playing around, no more hiding then he's guaranteed to lose her forever. This is the only way he will ever have a chance.

And it _is_ terrifying. Lily was right about him. He does only choose the challenges he's sure of at the outset. And this certainly isn't one of them. This involves a huge amount of risk that he'll get his heart crushed irreparably. But even though he _doesn't_ know if he can win – in fact, there's a good chance he may not – he still _has_ to accept this challenge. Because although the risk has never been greater, the stakes have never been higher. His whole future depends on this, going and getting Robin and convincing her to let him come back home for good.

Sure, he got knocked down before. He got his heart broken. Badly. But since when does he let that stop him? Barney Stinson never gives up on a challenge. He never stops, never quits, no matter how bleak the outlook, no matter how slim the odds. There is real investment here – his whole heart on the line rather than the meaninglessness of his next superfluous challenge at the bar – but this is _Robin_. This is the possibility of the two of them together again. This is the rest of their lives. And if there's even a _chance_, however small, that they could have that then what is he doing running around after women's numbers? What is he doing right now sitting on this bench at all?

In less than twenty minutes, he and Robin could not just hook up one more time but really, truly be together for always. It's not going to be easy, but as long as there's a 'could' – they _could_ be together – then that's all the chance he needs and he's going to grab onto it with both hands.

He verbalizes as much, but then the stranger interrupts him to say, "Oh no. No, no, no, no. This is gonna take a lot more than twenty minutes. This is going to take everything you have got. This is going to take all of your time, all of your attention, all of your resources. This is the big one."

Barney nods along, knowing she's right. Robin is his ultimate challenge. She always has been. It _is_ going to take work, a lot of work, but he's not giving up on her or them.

"But you've got to do it right," she cautions him. "You can't be messing around picking up girls in drug stores."

She's right about that too; he's already figured out as much on his own. It was all just a game anyway, a much-needed distraction. Not just tonight or the past few nights but going back to Brover and the nannies. Hell, going all the way back to 'perfect weeks' of running himself ragged in the months after they first broke up, and _every_ single time he's ever used _The Playbook_ since.

It's been a distraction for _him_, but to Robin it must just look like an eternal desire to sleep around. He has to show her that isn't the case. He's changed now and more than ready to renounce it all. And that means forever letting go of the persona he's hid behind for years. As long as he still has that protective wall of Womanizer Barney in place she's never going to see the real transformation he's already made behind it.

Convincing Robin that he's serious, that he means business this time, that he's all-in committed to her forever is undoubtedly going to take every bit of work this stranger says. If he were to run to Robin right now and tell her he's in love with her, he wants to be with her forever….he wants to _marry_ her – all the things he'd been just about to do until this woman stopped him – Robin would never believe him. She'd never take him seriously.

And whatever small part of her that just might _possibly_ think there could be a grain of truth to it is still going to push him away because he's not the only one who hides behind walls and runs away in fear. The two of them are alike that way and that's why it's going to take something major to break down _her_ defenses too. And he can't say he blames her. After everything, why shouldn't she be just as afraid to take a chance on him? He is every bit as much of a bad risk.

What he needs is to come up with a way to prove his love _and_ make her let her guard down, some way to get her to change her mind about him and make her fall in love with him all over again.

Then the poetry of it hits him all at once. For years he's been using his plays to forget Robin. Why not use one to _win_ her? What better way to fulfill his one last ultimate challenge than with one last ultimate play?

This random woman…..who, looking around, he discovers is now gone – she apparently left without him noticing sometime during his musings, before he could so much as thank her or even ask her name – has helped him see that he _could_ keep on playing the game and he'd never get hurt any more than he already is, but he's never going to win that way either. And winning is what he wants. He doesn't want to just keep living with the pain and sadness he already feels, merely just surviving, loving her but never being able to have her. He wants to be _happy_ instead. He wants to be with Robin, and all he was doing by reverting back to pretending was wasting precious time and chances.

Realizing that, Barney is determined it stops tonight.

He may not be able to be with Robin in the next twenty minutes but he sure as hell is going to _start_ trying – right this very minute. He's heading straight home to begin writing his ultimate play that will hopefully lead to the two of them engaged in the very near future.

Bounding up from the bench, Barney leaves behind the diapers and samosas – like his old playboy persona – without a second thought.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>Still sitting on the couch together, Robin gazes over at her fiancé in awe as he finishes the story of how he gained the courage to pursue her again and finally tell her he loves her like he'd wanted to do all along but was always too afraid.<p>

Throughout the larger tale, she and Lily had jumped in to add their own insights and interject the things that Barney had missed while he was down at the bar, but this last part of the story of that night is a revelation to them all.

And what perhaps surprises Robin most about it is that even back then – before she'd said 'yes' and he was certain she loved him too – Barney had still admitted that _everything_ since their 2009 breakup had all been a wild and crazy effort to ignore how much he loved her and still wanted to be with her. He's told her that himself since they got engaged, but knowing that he acknowledged it even before they were back together, when their reunion was far from a guarantee – and that even a complete stranger could easily see as much too – makes her heart swell with happiness.

"I have no idea who that girl was," Barney continues in wonder, "but she set me straight." He might have lost Robin, fooling around mired in self-doubt, self-protection, insecurity, and fear had it not been for the stranger who gave him that boost of wisdom, confidence, and determination that he needed. "After that…." He looks over at his soon-to-be wife with pure love in his eyes. "….I had one challenge and one challenge only: get Robin Scherbatsky to fall in love with me."

Robin returns his gaze openly, knowing that he'll see that same pure love and devotion mirrored back. God, he's sweet, just absolutely perfect for her. The emotions threaten to overwhelm her – so much love and happiness – and she blinks the way she often does when overcome with deep feelings. Doing so, she abruptly realizes her eyes are dry. She'd stopped crying just a few minutes into Barney's story. How very right he was; he absolutely will not rest until he's succeeded. "Challenge completed."

Mouthing, 'Come here', she momentarily forgets everyone else in the room – _everything_ else, including her absent mother – and reaches for Barney, cupping his cheek and kissing him tenderly right there on the couch in the bar of their wedding hotel where in just a day they'll return to celebrate their new marriage.

After a moment of simply enjoying each other, she eases back, letting her hand fall from his cheek to wind her fingers around his tie amorously. "You never do fail a challenge, Barney – either to cheer me up or to make me fall for you. Which, for the record, I already had long ago." Smiling at him impishly, she borrows his words to her. "For years, I have been hopelessly, irretrievably in love with you."

Barney grins, pulling her into another kiss. When they finally come up for air again, Ted is gone, but they both shrug it off.

"Hey, I've got a new challenge for you," Robin proposes.

"Hmm? What's that?" Barney's hand finds her upper thigh, his fingers rubbing soft, slow patterns. "Because I may not have found your 'stop crying' button but I know exactly where your 'mind-blowing orgasm' button is."

"Nice," Lily nods from her place down the couch.

Her eyebrow lifts seductively as Robin promises him, "Oh you'll be touching that later. But right now, we need to find a new minister."

"Challenge accepted!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: After four weeks of being sick with a cold bad enough to land me in emergency (and then catching a viral flu while on my last week of antibiotics!), followed by an ice storm that caused us to lose power for an extended period during said flu (though thankfully not for the full eight days that some others here were without power), and then being away for the holidays, I feel like things are _finally_ returning to normal, which will hopefully mean I can get back into the groove of my regular writing schedule – and that will translate to more frequent updates. I'm trying my hardest to catch up to the show (particularly with them now ending the series in March).

Also, just as a fun fact, the end of the scene that I wrote between Robin and Lily is based off a promo picture for this episode that got cut from the final product. It looked like such a fun moment, rife with potential that I had to include it in my chapter. This site won't allow you to provide links but if you google the promo pics for 9.09, it's the picture where Lily is leaning on Robin's shoulder with a glass of wine in hand and Robin is smiling over at someone off-camera.


	58. 910

**Mom and Dad**

* * *

><p>It's not a challenge he's about to give up on, but finding a new minister to marry them has proved a lot tougher than Barney expected. From noon to three they did nothing but persistently, frantically try. Even while having a quick bite for lunch in the hotel bar they kept up the search for anyone who was available, willing, and close by, but to no luck. Now it's only twenty-seven hours before their wedding and they're getting desperate – desperate enough to reconsider the castoffs they'd interviewed and rejected before they knew they didn't get to pick their own minister if they wanted to use the quaint little Farhampton church.<p>

But all of that changes when James brings them Sam.

They don't know why they didn't think of James's father earlier; it's the perfect solution. Barney has even kept in some contact with Sam over the years what with him being his brother's dad and grandpa to Eli and Sadie. It's not as if Sam is hanging out at Stinson family gatherings any more than Barney's dad is, but Barney _is_ closer to Sam than James is to Jerry. He still sends a check to Sam's church every year and they're Facebook friends – though he did remove him from his email list as he'd requested. He knew things were amicable between them but Barney didn't think it was quite friendly enough that Sam would be interested in coming to his and Robin's wedding, and it had never even occurred to either of them that Sam could perform the ceremony, but they're so glad James had their back and thought of it for them.

They look to each other elatedly, literally jumping for joy that not only is their problem solved but this means they won't have to deal with the creepy bug-eyed cult minister in place of the equally undesirable mean-spirited Reverend Lowell, who hated them and their love story. Now they get to be married by someone who actually knows them personally and who they can be themselves around.

Ecstatic, they run to hug Sam, first Barney and then Robin.

"Son," Sam says to Barney when the group hug ends, "I never thought I'd see the day when you'd give up the strippers and the endless, wild, unrestrained sex you loved to tell everyone about in graphic detail to actually get married."

"Oh I assure you," Barney smirks proudly, "the endless, wild, unrestrained sex lives on." Robin nods and they wordlessly high five. "As for the strippers, that part's true. Although occasionally Robin does put on a show for me that's better than anything I've seen at the Lusty Leopard." He gives her a wanton look that she returns with a sexy little grin.

Sam can readily believe there's nothing restrained about their relationship. Every air about them speaks of passion, emotion, and connection. He's been here less than five minutes and already he can detect the palpable chemistry between them, and any fool could see they're crazy about each other.

"Barney, after your generous donation singlehandedly saved the church's Helping Hands program I knew there was something more to you, a whole lot of good you kept hidden. But settling down still seemed a long way off for you. I couldn't have predicted it, but James knew better, didn't you, son?" Sam brags, clasping his hand onto James's back. "The one time I met Robin was the same day I first learned I had a child. Naturally I was otherwise distracted, but even so I do remember some things about that day beyond meeting James." He remembers thinking that although his newly discovered son's half-brother was keyed up and all over the place his behavior was actually quite pitiable once he learned the circumstances behind it. "Besides the fact that you quite unmistakably yearned to connect with a father, the one other thing I took away from the day was that of all the friends you brought along there seemed to be a special bond between you and Robin," Sam reveals to Barney. "When James and I were singing, the other woman – "

"Lily," Barney supplies.

"She came to haul you away and keep you from interrupting the moment. But later on, after the others left to wait outside," Sam continues, turning now to Robin, "_you_ lingered back to check on him and make sure he was okay."

Robin laughs gently remembering Barney's antics singing "Stand by Me". "I wanted to be sure he hadn't strayed so far from reality that he'd make a scene while you and James were saying goodbye."

"It was only once you got an assurance from Barney that he was alright that you went out to join the others on the front lawn. And now, seeing you two about to get married years later, it all makes sense," Sam congratulates them.

"But how did James know better?" Barney asks.

"I asked him about it afterwards and he let me know Robin was your ex, but he went a step further and told me, 'Five'll get ya ten he ends up with her'."

Barney looks to James in surprise. "You really said that?"

James gives a little tilt of the head with that patented Stinson look of 'what can I say?'. "I know my brother. Growing up, you were the sensitive one. You were so loyal and just loved so deeply until one too many disappointments in life taught you not to. But I knew if to love someone like that was still in me then it _had_ to be in you too." Barney nods thoughtfully as his brother continues. "I wasn't around a lot but when I was I saw how much you loved Robin the first time you dated." He lifts his eyebrow pointedly. "Including the day I surprised you at your apartment and walked in on you _literally_ loving Robin that much." James watches his future sister-in-law share a quick look with Barney before averting her eyes to the far wall, a slight blush tinging her cheekbones, and he smiles. "A love like that doesn't go away. And, bro, now I can tell you there were times it was sadly apparent you were still in love with her. Like, for example, the Thanksgiving we all spent on Long Island," he says knowingly.

"I may not have been trying too hard to hide it that day," Barney agrees. They'd recently slept together and at that point he knew undoubtedly that she was his soul mate and he'd love her forever. And if he was particularly obvious about it that day it was at least a fair amount due to the fact that he also thought at the time that Robin was pregnant with his baby, a baby that turned out to be hypothetical but they knew it _would've_ been his all the same since she had sex with him – hot, intense, frenzied sex with him – but admitted to refusing her boyfriend the same privilege. That fact alone made Barney all the more hopeful, and it was hard to conceal as much.

James throws his arm around Robin's shoulder, wholeheartedly welcoming her into the family the way his mom now has. "This one here kept it a little closer to the vest," he teases, "but there was something in your eyes whenever you looked at my brother that gave it away."

Robin and Barney turn to smile at each other and it's a moment of calm happiness in what's otherwise been a chaotic and emotional day.

"Well I'm happy for the both of you," Sam announces, "and I'll be honored to be the one who starts you out on your life together."

After another fifteen minutes of talking, explaining what they're looking for in the ceremony, Robin spots Jerry in the lobby and Barney is instantly excited. They've been so busy with wedding stuff they haven't seen each other since Jerry's birthday back in April.

Hurrying out to the lobby, Barney hugs his dad while Robin hugs Cheryl. Even though so far her own parents have let her down, it feels good to be surrounded by Barney's family and know that these caring and involved people are a part of _her_ family now too. She's never had that before, but being welcomed so warmly by the Stinsons, the Whittakers, and now even the Gibbs side of things, Robin fully appreciates the importance of close family.

"Barney, I can't believe you're getting married," Jerry enthuses. "You've grown up so fast."

Barney just grins from ear to ear, reaching his arm out for Robin and drawing her to his side. Right now, in this moment he's got everything he's ever dreamed of.

Chatting just a while longer, he and Robin walk to the bar where Jerry and Cheryl plan to buy them a drink, their arms still around each other because neither wants to let go. This day may have gotten off to a rough start but now things are looking pretty good.

On the way into the bar they pass his mom, who is heading into the lobby herself, and that's when Barney realizes there is just one part of his greatest dream for his life that has yet to be realized: his nuclear family whole again. Seeing his mom standing there about to encounter his dad for the first time in years – and actually this is the first time he's _ever_ seen his two parents together since he was six, and back then he didn't even know Jerry was his dad – sparks something in him leftover from childhood, those old dreams of "one day" when his father would come home and they could all be a big happy family again. He stops in his tracks and motions to Robin, alerting her to the momentousness of what's about to unfold. "Whoa. Look. My dad hasn't seen my mom in years. Not since he bailed on her." Barney watches and waits eagerly, all the hopes of his younger self bursting forth and riding on this moment.

But Robin knows better. Her fingers clench in tension for him, her age-old visceral reaction to family conflict. She's seen enough knockdown, drag-out fights between her own parents to know how ugly it can get and she warns him of as much. His parents never got married so there was no technical divorce but the situation is still the same and she braces herself for Barney experiencing the kind of messiness that never knowing his father had at least spared him up until this point.

And what a time for that first ugly confrontation, right on the brink of their wedding. She has visions of Loretta and Jerry not talking after this and her and Barney spending the final hours before the ceremony running go-between. Perhaps Loretta will even refuse to be in the same room as Jerry, forcing herself and Barney to find some way to sneak his dad in to watch the wedding. Based on _her_ parents' behavior, any of those actions and worse is to be completely expected.

Subsequently, Robin is pleasantly relieved when they simply shake hands and hug cordially. But Barney sees something else entirely. He sees his mom and dad smiling at each other, greeting one another warmly with a kiss on the cheek – and it's straight out of his every bedtime imagining at the age of seven.

Robin's too relieved to notice at first, thinking she's avoided any further emotional drama, until: "They're in love! My mom and dad are getting back together again!" Barney giggles, covering his mouth, overflowing with giddy happiness.

Yep, this is definitely going to be a problem.

With all of Barney's father and family issues over the years she really should have seen this coming. _Of course_ he'd want his parents together like a stereotypical "real family".

Since they've been engaged with their feelings now out on the table, free to talk openly with each other, there have been times where over late-night pillow talk Barney's told her how much he longed to have his dad in his life growing up and how he used to dream even as an adult of some scenario where his father would come back with a perfectly reasonable and innocent explanation for his absence and then he could have the kind of storybook family he'd always seen in TV and movies, the kind of family some other lucky kids actually got to have throughout their childhoods.

It isn't difficult to figure out that the sight of his two parents together showing even the most basic consideration towards each other has caused Barney to revert into that again. He's convinced himself it could be possible right now, and even though that couldn't be farther from the truth she doesn't have the heart to burst his bubble. But at the same time, she knows he's only going to be disappointed if he keeps up at this. "Barney, I really don't think your parents are getting back together," she gently tries. "It seemed like they were just saying hello."

"Uh, _yeah_." He looks at her like she's crazy. "If you mean 'Hello, and I've missed you so much'. 'Hello, and I'm still in love with you and we should get together right away'."

With that response Robin is fully aware of what the rest of the afternoon will entail. Barney is determined this _is_ happening. Denial has taken over and she knows him well enough to know that he has to choose to come out of it on his own. Hopefully that will happen soon, preferably before tonight's rehearsal dinner.

"I've gotta go talk to Mom and Dad _together_!" he beams, and Robin decides she'll let him do that alone. Perhaps if he sees Loretta and Jerry interact at length it will show him there's nothing romantic there and indeed they have no feelings for each other at all, nor any plans to get back together. Then he can allow himself to come to terms with reality and she'll be there for him when he comes out of it needing some comfort.

With that in mind, Robin goes upstairs to have some tea and get a head start on their thank you notes for the gifts they've already received. If she takes care of some of that now they won't have to worry about it on their honeymoon or be inundated when they first come back.

* * *

><p>Forty-five minutes later, Barney returns to their room telling Robin he listened in on his parents' tête-à-tête. The cold, hard fact of it is their entire conversation was downright innocuous and even boring. There wasn't a trace of chemistry or attraction or anything that could make him think either one of his parents still carries a torch for the other.<p>

And that makes him dig in his heels and insist all the harder that they _are_ in love.  
>It's just Cheryl, he tells himself, that's standing in their way. They won't be free to act on their feelings until she's removed from the situation – which is why he's now got everything in place to do just that.<p>

As Barney relays his parents' dialogue, Robin pastes on a smile and can only stare. Hiding underneath the deck is bad enough, but he believes a simple comment on the weather means they're about to tear each other's clothes off? Clearly, he's extremely deluded about this. The point has come where she has to get involved, but she'll need to tread lightly; this is a very sensitive area for him. Getting up to meet his eye, she kindly tells him, "Barney, I know you've always dreamed of a reunited family, but Jerry's married."

That fact only amps up his defensive denial. "So what? Marriage is just a meaningless piece of paper."

"I'm a lucky gal," she quips, knowing he's just upset and doesn't really mean it. She takes a deep breath, wanting to be especially sweet, supportive, and loving. That's what he needs when he gets like this. She's understood that about him for a long while now and has wanted to offer him all of that in the past. In fact, she even tried to on several occasions – the time when Marshall left GNB and Barney was crushed being one of them – but without knowing where the two of _them_ stood it was much more complicated and delicate. Now, though, as his soon-to-be wife things are different. She can give him all the love and support she wanted to back then while also telling him some uncomfortable truths he desperately needs to hear. "Sweetie, this just isn't gonna happen."

Barney scowls. He knows that she's right. He just doesn't want to accept it. He's still clinging to his imaginary dream and he's not ready to let it go. But then she asks him to promise her he hasn't put any crazy scheme in motion, proving that she knows him _very_ well. He, in fact, already has a scheme in place and if he confesses as much she'll put a stop to it. However, he doesn't want to exactly lie to her either, not about this. It's difficult to deceive her even partially when no grand surprise she'll love is waiting at the end so he avoids her eyes altogether, emphasizing the part about not putting his scheme "in motion" because he's actually done just the opposite – arranged for their elevator to stop – so it's technically not lying.

She's on to him anyway, and he has no choice but to own up to his plan: blocking off the stairs, texting his parents to meet him here so they'll both be in the elevator, stopping said elevator and trapping them inside till they get it on and his family is whole again.

The whole thing is certifiable and Robin finds it necessary to remind him yet a second time that Jerry has a wife. As soon as the words are out of her mouth she realizes he would've already thought of that – which means he's done something crazy to get her out of the picture. "Oh god," she gasps in dismay. "What'd you do to the wife?"

At her look of horror, Barney's hand goes up to his mouth like a wayward child. He's aware that what he's doing is wrong, but so was the way he grew up. That means he deserves to run a successful parent trap now. Still, he can't let Robin think he's done anything too drastic. "It's fine," he assures her. "Ranjit drove her out of town. She thinks she's meeting my dad to go parasailing."

"And Jerry won't notice when she just goes missing?" Robin questions skeptically, pointing out the noticeable design flaw in his plan.

"Oh I thought of that. I left a note from 'Cheryl'," he uses air quotes, "saying she never really loved him and she's gonna off herself and he should totally just bone my mom."

"_Barney_," she chastises. This is pretty bad even for him. If it wasn't so transparently fake it would actually be quite cruel to Jerry.

"Well it had to be done," he defends self-justifyingly. "This way my dad can make a move on my mom like he wants to."

"No, he doesn't. Your dad loves his wife."

Hearing that, Barney frowns because it's true and they both know it. After all, his dad's ability to have a happy, successful marriage is a big part of what brought him around to believing he could too. Nevertheless, he still doesn't give it up. He can't. His heart won't let him.

"Fine," Robin relents, seeing that no amount of rational discussion is going to make a dent in Barney's resolve. "Continue with your scheme. But it's gonna backfire on you," she warns. "There is no way this is going to end well."

He disregards her cautionary advice, choosing optimistically blind denial instead. "Ye of little faith. Just wait, you'll see," he brightly upholds, giving her a quick kiss. "I've already got wine and champagne coming up from room service, but I'm gonna borrow some of our strawberry warming gel just in case." He dashes over to the nightstand, opening the top drawer to grab the tube. What he sees folded up next to it sparks a secondary inspiration. "Ooh! And maybe a couple of our zippered masks," he exclaims grabbing them too.

"Barney," she starts.

But he interrupts her to promise with a smile, "Don't worry. We have extras."

"No, it's not that," she shakes her head. "Your mom is in her sixties. Do you really think she'll be into that?"

"I'm her son, aren't I? She'll _always_ be into that," he says, exiting the room with a wink.

* * *

><p>For the past half hour Barney's tried everything in that elevator, even the 70s porn he once caught his mom watching, but his parents aren't receptive, not even a little. Desperate times call for desperate measures so he runs to the front desk, requesting the items he assumes others see as the extremes of romance – fresh cut English lavender and Shakespeare's sonnets – as well as his own personal inclination: enough Nutella to lick off the woman from head to toe.<p>

Despite his best efforts, James ruins it all seconds later when he rescues them from the elevator, demanding Barney put a stop to this. "You're being delusional," he criticizes.

There's no way around it; James is right. In this split second, clarity reigns and Barney's ashamed of what he's been doing. He already put this sort of manic denial behind him. He's about to get married. This is no time to go off on delusional, immature quests to reunite his parents. It's time he face facts and he knows it.

Until James announces the reason Barney is delusional: because Loretta is getting back together with _his_ dad instead.

It turns out they both want the same thing – and James thinks it's possible too. His brother doesn't really think he's being delusional. He's just jealous. He's trying to get rid of the competition; that's what this is.

James insists it's far more plausible for Loretta and Sam to get together since Jerry is happily married with two kids, but Barney wants to hear nothing of it. In his mind, he still has this vision of his _parents_ married and in love. Now he and Robin are married in the vision too and he gets everything, every bit of perfection straight out of a 1950s sitcom.

Old habits die hard and they soon deteriorate into the kind of childish roughhousing of two brothers relatively close in age. But once they stop fighting long enough to talk, James breaks it down for Barney just exactly what he's attempting to do here. "Even if your planned worked, you'd be destroying your dad's marriage."

Those words aren't easy to ignore. Because his dad _is_ happily married to Cheryl. How could he set out to destroy that? Not only would it devastate his father, it would be ruining his half-brother and sister's family as well. He can't do that to any of them. With a heavy sigh, Barney admits James has a point and agrees to drop it altogether.

Things seem peaceful and back to normal after that. They even arrange to have a special Glen MacKenna toast to always being brothers regardless of what kind of family unit they have.

Then they walk onto the porch and discover his mom making out with _James's_ dad, and that changes everything.

Barney can see it with his own two eyes. His mother is kissing Sam and holding him tightly, not with the kind of raw lust you have for someone you plan to screw and then send on their way, but with real caring…..And it all clicks into place.

When he and James grew up into men who renounced relationships and lived a life of cavalier singledom, he could see the disappointment in his mom. She continually encouraged him to find someone and have something meaningful, so that's exactly what he faked for her benefit when he thought she was dying. James eventually settled down for real with Tom, saved from the fate that Barney still lived, and his mother was happy for them both. But after she learned the whole thing with Betty and Tyler was a fraud, as relieved as Loretta was since she hated them so much, she openly wished better for Barney than the same hollow, promiscuous lifestyle she once led. She made him promise to take a chance on love and not to run away from it like she did.

The more and more he contemplated his mother's cryptic insistence over the years, the more it made Barney think she had a lost love in her past that she always regretted letting get away. The idealistic, romantic parts of his heart used to hope that lost love was his dad. But based on what he's seeing – based on the explanation his mom is currently giving – it looks like _Sam_ may have been 'the one who got away' all along.

Apparently after James met his dad, his mom and Sam started talking again, reconnecting and becoming friends again, and it gradually rekindled their relationship.

An _actual_ relationship.

Unlike what she had with _his_ dad.

The blunt reality is Loretta and Jerry were sex pals and nothing more. Just causal banging buddies who likely never would have seen each other again once the novelty wore off had it not been for her accidentally getting knocked up and the very fact of him forcing the two of them into a lifelong connection. It's a hard truth so unlike the picture-perfect imaginings he used to comfort himself with throughout his childhood.

James, on the other hand, is over the moon. And why shouldn't he be? _He_ gets to live the dream.

It isn't fair. This is great for his brother, sure, but why is he the only one ending up with the short end of the stick? Can't they both have that perfect dream? Barney's mind concocts a wild scheme whereby they can, but when his mom rejects the three-way idea, he runs off, feeling every inch that same upset little boy.

Coming back inside, he finds Robin at the bar and sits down beside her, immediately ordering the strongest scotch they've got.

A little while earlier Robin had left their room to locate Barney and see how his elevator caper played out. She'd passed a soaking wet Loretta in the hallway and it was easy to guess what led to her drenched state, but at least that meant she and Jerry were no longer Barney's prisoners. She figured it also meant he'd been dealt the steep disappointment she'd known was coming his way so she came downstairs to help him lick his wounds. But when she saw him and James having a slap-fight like five year olds it was clear he wasn't done with the crazy just yet. Waiting him out, she headed back up to their room and wrote out a few more thank you notes before deciding to simply wait in the bar where she'd have a better eye on things and could be there quickly to help Barney once he faced reality.

From his drink order, it seems that time has come. "I take it things went poorly," she remarks.

"On the upside, we have our warming gel and masks back," he mutters.

"What happened?" she softly asks, almost afraid to know. Judging by his tone, it must have been bad.

Barney lifts his glass to his lips and drains half of it at once, wiping his mouth. "What happened is my mom and dad did _not_ hit it off. She was too busy hitting someone else. My plan backfired on me alright. Here I got Cheryl out of the picture but it turns out I should have been worried about Sam."

"Sam?" she questions in confusion, lost as to how he figures into it.

"Are you ready for this? It seems that Sam and my mom have been secretly dating," he informs her bitterly. "I guess they're a couple now….She finally took a chance at love."

"Wow," Robin processes that. She really hadn't seen it coming, but unexpected as it is she can see what a good thing it could be for Loretta. However she also recognizes what it means for her fiancé. "Barney, I'm sorry," she says compassionately, hurting on his behalf to the point of unconsciously picking at her fingernails.

He sighs and is about to finish off the rest of his drink but he stops himself. Lone wolfing it in a glass of scotch is no longer acceptable to fall back on either – not that it ever worked anyhow. He brings the glass back down, unburdening his feelings to her instead. "You said it was nuts to think my mom and dad would get back together, but that's what happened for James. I've been dreaming of that since I was five…..Well, that and my own operational Death Star, but mostly them getting back together."

Robin looks down, fighting a small smile at such a very Barney thing to say, but now isn't the time to be amused by him. Right now he needs her empathy and support. She knows how hard this must be for him. Their family issues and dysfunctional backgrounds have always been one of their biggest struggles.

"Why does James get it and I don't?" he sulks at the unjustness, taking that drink now.

Robin knows he finds it unfair, his brother getting the very thing that he always wanted, but to her it actually makes a lot of sense. "Well, think about it. You have me. Your dad has Cheryl." She reaches out and rubs Barney's hand, soothing him even as she tries to help him see things from a more objective point of view. "But James is going through a divorce," she stresses. "He just lost his family." His husband, his perfect nuclear family, that dream is now gone for him. This is quite literally all James has left.

He looks off for a moment, realizing what she's saying is true. He gets to have Robin and that's way better than his parents getting together. That is _everything_….He just kind of wanted everything and more.

She regards him with sympathetic eyes. "I – I know you've been dreaming of this but…maybe he needs Mom and Dad more than you," Robin gently conveys.

Barney meets her gaze again and the empathy and warmth he sees there breaks him down the rest of the way, allowing him to be emotionally raw and open with her even if his feelings on this issue may be juvenile and unreasonable. "I know James has it rough. Believe me, I know what it's like thinking you can never be with the person you love. And _I_ have you. I get to have _my_ family. I shouldn't be complaining; I know that. It's selfish and irrational to want but….can't I have you _and_ my mom and dad back together," he whines.

Yes, he's aware of how greedy and unappreciative and petty it seems, wanting it all while his brother has nothing, begrudging James this one little thing, but it's more than that. This is something that runs deep, an inherent burning wish from his childhood that's become an ingrained part of him. "I used to dream about it as a kid, Robin. I mean _really_ fixate on it. I'd sit in my room and imagine the day when my dad comes back and we can be one big happy family. I thought that would change everything, make everything better. Even as an adult I still wished I could've had that. Then I found my dad for real, and it was hard but we eventually got to a good place. Now I have a great relationship with my mom _and_ my dad, and I have the love of my life about to marry me. I'm this close to having my dream family – _if_ my parents would only get together instead of my mom hooking back up with Sam."

"Barney, I understand that was your dream and I'm not trying to belittle it," she swears, taking his hand in both of hers now. "But _I_ don't need my parents to ever get back together. I don't even want that." Unquestionably the dream that he's describing could've been a great way to grow up, but even though her parents were married from the time she was born she never had anything even close to that. In many ways her parents' split was actually a blessing. "They made each other miserable and that made _me_ miserable. And it gave me a lot of messed up ideas about myself and about relationships that took years to overcome." She still struggles with it; that day out in Central Park was certainly a struggle with it. "I never had that big happy family either, not even when they were together, but still my parents breaking up was the best thing for everyone involved, including me."

A lot of people wouldn't see it that way since her father's obsession to turn her into a boy snowballed out of control once her mom left and there was no one else to even try to stop him. To be honest, _she_ didn't always see it that way herself. Barney is the one who actually made her see it differently. He helped her realize that every dysfunctional part of her past played an important role in who she ended up becoming and she should be glad for it because of that. "Do you remember that night – oh about a few weeks before we got together the first time – when we wound up drinking alone at MacLaren's, which wouldn't have been out of the ordinary except then we starting talking about families and my dad?"

Barney regards her thoughtfully, a tiny smile breaking out on his face. "I _do_ remember that night. We met up with Marshall at the bar to plan Ted's lame second surprise party," he derides, rolling his eyes. "You were all up in your head about his birthday and how it made you think about getting older yourself."

"Uh-huh," Robin smiles back, pleased that he remembers all the little details of their history going way back just like she does. "And you were so sure you had me all figured out. That was the night I discovered three scotches in a row make you ready to spill your guts and say all the things you wouldn't if you were less uninhibited by Glen McKenna….."

* * *

><p><strong>April 2009<strong>

_You tell all the boys 'no'.  
>Makes you feel good.<br>I know you're out of my league.  
>But that won't scare me away, oh no.<em>

* * *

><p>It's late, only an hour from closing time, and Marshall went home long ago, leaving Barney and Robin in the booth alone. He only showed up to finalize party plans for Ted before going back home to Lily, who still wasn't speaking to Barney after his peanut butter and jam joke. And along with Marshall's exit went most of the merriment and cheer from their little group.<p>

In truth, Barney and Robin are both a bit depressed – Barney because despite his best efforts he's been unable to shake his feelings for her yet he remains unsure of how she'll receive them, and Robin because nothing in her life is the way she'd hoped it would be by now and yet going for the things she really wants is far too daunting.

Once Marshall left they'd drowned their melancholy in booze and now, just as their fourth scotches are set before them, things are starting to get a little loose and unguarded for them both.

Eyeing her across the booth contemplatively, Barney finally questions, "What are you so bummed out about, Scherbatsky?"

"Who says I'm bummed?"

"Robin, you're drunk in a bar on a Tuesday night. You're depressed about something."

"Okay, fine," she relents. "Maybe I am a little depressed. It's just…." She sighs, digging her fingernail absently into the tabletop. "….all this talk about Ted's birthday made me realize that in just over a year _I'm_ turning thirty."

Barney's forehead crinkles in confusion that's even more pronounced in his slightly inebriated state. "Yeah. So?" Sure, he jokes a lot about women over thirty, but this is _Robin_. There's no way any guy would Lemon Law her.

"So?" she repeats in disbelief. "That's a big deal. It's this huge milestone hanging over my head and….." Sitting here with Barney in their familiar booth under the warm haze of quality scotch, Robin knows she can tell him anything and he won't judge her, and so she does. "Lately I've been thinking about my life, where it's going." She lets out a humorless laugh. "And where it's nowhere near going."

Her candor intrigues Barney. Whatever has her upset is clearly something important to her and right now she's opening up to him. He's not about to squander the moment. "How do you mean?" he asks, genuinely wanting to know.

Robin shakes her head, struggling to put it into words. It's exactly like she recently told Ted when he admitted his own anxieties about starting Mosbius Designs: she feels as if she's given up – on her career, on relationships, even on herself – and she hates that feeling. "Well, look at my career. Don't get me wrong, Barney; I'm grateful you got me the job so I could stay in the country. But _Come On, Get Up New York! _isn't exactly the hard-hitting news I'd hoped to be doing by now. I mean the show is on at four in the morning. It's not much better than _Metro News One_. And as far as my love life – "

"_Listening_…." Barney interrupts overeagerly. It makes her smile, which is why he said it to begin with.

"I used to think of my perfect guy as a whole criterion of things. Not some crazy-specific list like Ted has, just general characteristics – smart, challenging, passionate, stimulating, and funny. But now I wind up sleeping with a guy like PJ – or the Naked Man….whose name I don't even remember," she realizes in dismay, "simply because they're there. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't have it together at all," Robin imparts forlornly. "I'm not sure _what's_ the matter with me." She swirls her scotch, watching as it hits the sides of her glass. "Maybe it's because I came from a broken home? I had zero examples of a functional relationship or any kind of normal family life. That could be it. And on top of that, I was raised as a boy…..Maybe I'm unfixable. Maybe my dad just messed me up too much."

Barney looks over at her, flabbergasted. She's been floundering lately, it's true. What he's always been able to easily recognize that the others haven't is that Robin was _never_ the font of confidence they believe her to be, but lately she has been particularly lost and unsure; he's seen in it her. But messed up? Never. She is perfect in the most unconventional way – which in his book is the height of perfection – and it's astounding that she can't recognize that herself. "Messed you up?" he questions incredulously. "_How_ can you think you're messed up?"

She just shrugs, so he continues. "You're hot. You're funny. You're _Robin Sparkles_. You smoke cigars, you drink scotch, you can have the mouth of a sailor and at times you even out-bet me. Robin, you are a man's wet dream. Outside you're all woman but you think and have sex like a man. That's not 'messed up'. That is _perfect_."

She laughs a little at that and it emboldens him to keep on, this time with some even more perceptive, if unnerving, truths. "Everyone wants you. Even Lily's noticed your body."

"What?" Robin asks in shock.

"Which is exactly how you like it," Barney contends, continuing his larger point. "It's good for the self-esteem and ego. _That_ is how you occasionally end up sleeping with the PJs of the world. Well, that and for the no-strings sex – cause Mama gots to have it. But while they all definitely _want_ you, you're too much for most men. They're intimidated by you and you're bored by them. Tell me I'm not right," he challenges her.

He has her pegged more accurately than Robin cares to admit and it unsettles her. She looks back down at the table for a moment, feeling guarded and defensive. "It's not intimidation, Barney. I'm just not what they're looking for. Or they're not what _I_ want."

He waits until she glances back up again and then pins her with his eyes. "What do you want, Robin?" He's been trying to figure that out for the past year in the hopes that it could be him. He believes it could be. They _could_ be good together if she'd only give it a chance.

What _does_ she want? It's an interesting question and one she doesn't know the answer to. The things she's drawn to – including the man in front of her – are not the things she's supposed to have or even want. They're never the things that are good for her and certainly not things that are easy to possess. And they're even harder to hold on to. It's been that way all of her life.

It's complicated. It's a matter of what she's attracted to versus what's good for her. The things she desires – like a journalistic career that matters, where she's taken seriously, and an attractive man that her heart is safe and secure with but who can also make her feel excited and alive – versus what she can actually have.

When it comes down to it maybe what she once considered 'settling' really just translates to 'living realistically' and she should be doing just that? Sometimes she suspects there _is_ no answer. Maybe it's just impossible to get _all_ of what you want.

It's far too confusing to think about, which is why mostly she tries not to. This many drinks in, it's particularly hopeless so she disregards the bigger picture, reducing it down to something she can wrap her mind around. "What do I want right now? My warm bed and some fantastic, mind-numbing sex before I go to sleep."

"Well that's easy. One is upstairs and you're looking at the other."

Barney's eyes spark with mischief and something else she can't quite put a name to but whatever it is it's impassioned and appealing enough to make Robin squirm in the booth, shifting under the intensity of that look but disguising her momentarily flustered state as merely crossing one long leg over the other. Clearing her throat, Robin tries for playful nonchalance as she answers, "Was _that_ the point of this? I don't do friends with benefits anymore," she teases. "It never works out."

If she truly thought that's what he was asking for, if she had any clue what he really wanted from her – including running towards her someday in slow motion in that brown suede vest – her response would be far less flippant, so he easily recognizes it for what it is and ignores her attempt at deflection. "You know what I think? I buy that these guys aren't what you want, true enough. But if you ask me, _you're _the one who's intimidated: intimidated by any man who can actually understand and handle the real you. I think you run from anything too serious and too real."

It's a bold and uncomfortable charge and Robin doesn't like the way it makes her feel. She doesn't like the startling ring of truth about it, and to cover she laughs out loud at its seeming ridiculousness. "I dated Ted for a year," she reminds him as if no further proof is necessary. A year is pretty damn serious – and no man is more serious about relationships than Ted Mosby.

But Barney's quick reply smashes that excuse to smithereens in two seconds flat. "I said anything too _real_. The entire time you both had your own goals and agendas and the two didn't mix, but you closed your eyes to that or anything else, refusing to see each other or the relationship for what it was. That's not real."

"Isn't it?" she asks quietly.

"No, it isn't. 'Real' isn't something you can plan out and decide it's a good idea. 'Real' is uninhibited and wild and messy and passionate. Real just happens – without your permission. And you, Robin, run away from that every time toward the safety and simplicity of getting involved with the mundane PJs and Teds."

"And why would I do that?" she poses.

"Because you're afraid."

Robin scoffs at that, setting her glass down on the tabletop with a thunk. She's spent a lifetime building up a strong shell, a mask of unaffected invulnerability. She doesn't like anyone calling her afraid. "Of what?" she demands.

"Of something you can't control," Barney shrewdly ripostes. "Of having something with someone who knows you and sees you for who you _really_ are, not who they want you to be – and that includes the parts you kept hidden from Ted for a year."

"I kept them hidden because he never would have accepted them anyway," she bursts out defensively. "He's not like you. And – " Robin cuts off, shaking her head.

"And what?"

"I didn't…."

"You didn't _want_ to let your guard down all the way with Ted," he finishes for her, knowing he's right.

After a few seconds Robin silently nods her admission.

Both of them are too close to the picture forming to notice that with a simple nod of her head she just let her guard down with _him_.

Barney nods now too, defusing the tension with his agreement and understanding. "Sometimes Ted can have a way of making you feel judged and not exactly good enough; I get that."

Robin sighs, regarding him across the table with inscrutable eyes. "Barney, I'm not sure I like you after three – " She glances down at his near-empty glass. "Make that _four_ – scotches." But there's a smile playing on her lips even as she says it.

"Or is it that you like me _too_ much?" he suggests, and there's a world of temptation in his tone.

Rattled, she looks away. "You're drunk."

"So are you. But that's when things get real, isn't it?"

"That's when people get real stupid," she counters, "and make stupid decisions they'll regret in the morning."

"Maybe," he concedes. "And maybe not. But you don't need to be intimidated by any guy you can't completely own and wrap around your finger. Not every man is Simon. Not every man is your dad."

She bristles a little at that statement, at how close it hits to home. "And who is this guy I shouldn't be intimidated by? This guy who can understand and handle every last part of me and who things will get so real with? Because I don't see anyone lining up."

Barney nods across MacLaren's to the man who's been staring and practically drooling over her all evening. "I think that guy would volunteer." The 'no one wants me' argument will get her nowhere. Anytime they go anywhere, he sees the appreciative looks guys give her.

"I mean to do anything _other_ than bang me." If that's all she was after then he was right; she is already looking at it. But sex with Barney, though incredible, is dangerous. The way she feels around him is dangerous. It's unsettling. He shouldn't be able to make her feel things with just a quirk of his eyebrow, like he's doing right now, and that alone makes her want to get up and leave the bar.

Barney merely shrugs, letting it go. He's too drunk and, like her, too afraid to stand up and volunteer, to identify _himself_ as that guy the way he longs to. "I didn't say I knew who the guy was. But I bet if you ever found him you'd run away, just like I said." And that's the real reason he hasn't said anything to her all these months.

_You'd run away_. His words resound in Robin's mind because that's exactly what she'd just felt compelled to do. "So you're saying the problem isn't how I was raised. It's just that I'm a coward right now."

"Hey, who am I to talk?" he lets her off the hook. "I'm not exactly running towards Ted's Land of Feelings either. I've made it my specialty to avoid them."

"Huh…." Robin contemplates. Truthfully Barney has gotten quite a bit of what he said right, but she still remains unconvinced that running away from something too real isn't the very thing she ought to be doing. Her fight-or-flight response certainly tells her it is. "Well at least it's good to know you don't think I'm unfixable."

Barney smiles over at her. "There's nothing _to_ fix. If you hadn't been raised the way you were you might have grown up to be like every other ordinary woman, just like if my dad hadn't had to leave us to go host his award-winning TV program I might have grown up to be like every other boring guy. I could've been a Ted or a Marshall," he shudders exaggeratedly, drawing a soft laugh from her. "Your childhood didn't ruin you, Robin. It made you _awesome_."

Robin grins, picking up her glass. "I'll drink to that."

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"And you were right about what you said, Barney. Everything you said," she tells him, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "Having a less than perfect childhood made us who we are. It made me into that cigar-smoking, scotch-drinking bro in a woman's body, and I know your dad's absence from your life is a big part of what made you suit up and become Playbook Barney for the next ten years."<p>

He tips his head in acknowledgment of that so Robin elaborates further. "Our less than pretty backgrounds made us both into the awesome people we know and fell in love with. Those similar, messed-up experiences helped us understand each other so well. We've always been able to relate to each other and connect in a way the others never could with us." She felt that connection strongly on the night they just recalled, the way that Barney could practically read her soul. She never got anything past him. Having someone perceive and comprehend her so well, so easily – and actually appreciate what he saw – was both terrifying and wonderful. "The fact that we could get each other like no one else, that's part of how I realized I was in love with you back then. And since we do understand each other that much – since we _have_ each other – that's all we need. We don't need some picturesque upbringing where our parents stayed together and loved each other oh so much. You may have dreamed of that, Barney, but just like you said then, if we had grown up that way you might have been less you and I might have been less me and we may have never gotten together or have what we do right now."

"That's true," Barney agrees. From day one – or night one in their case – that very first night she hung out with them and they were properly introduced, the first night she ever sat next to him in the booth, he recognized a kindred spirit in her. That's why from the very beginning he'd been able to read her so well. Until feelings got in the way and made him doubt himself, that is. But that connection was always still there, and it might not have been had their pasts been different and made them into different people.

And those influences of their pasts continued to benefit them throughout the years. Not only did their dysfunctional backgrounds, resulting personalities, and subsequent understanding of each other cause their friendship to flourish and lead to an eventual relationship, it also allowed them to help each other grow individually. The particular night at MacLaren's that Robin just brought up he had helped _her_ to see she wasn't flawed and unfixable, that her past made her who she is and it was her own fear of vulnerability that was holding her back. But it went both ways. On another very important night a few years later _she_ helped him profoundly. "Do you know it's because of you that I ever met up with my dad again?"

"Because we had that intervention for you at Ted's place and convinced you to go to dinner with him?" Robin guesses. "That wasn't just me; that was all of us who felt that way."

"No, not then. Later," he explains. "When I found out about my dad's other family and then saw that night how they'd gotten the life I always wanted but he never gave _me_, I wrote him off. I didn't want to see him again. You remember."

"Yeah, of course I do." It was a difficult time because Barney was obviously hurting but he was too proud to own up to it. "You didn't only not want to see him. You wouldn't even _talk_ about it either."

"Right. But you wouldn't leave it at that," he reminds her, with a fond smile. "When Marshall quit GNB you kept after me to admit it was my dad I was really upset about."

"I did keep after you," Robin concurs. "I even tried to get you drunk so you'd come clean, but you just kept insisting it was because he foiled some fictitious exploding meatball sub revenge plot."

"You were right though, and I knew it. I eventually told Marshall why his leaving bothered me so much on the night you and Lily took us out to that weird bar and we had a million cocktails, but I admitted my issues with my dad to _you_ first." At her perplexed look, he expands on that. "Do you remember the night we all went out to Hopeless and I made you guys lie about who you were? When I was trying to make it the awesomest night ever?"

"Yes." She frowns resentfully. "You made me pretend to date Ted."

"That's because _I_ wanted to date you," he confesses with a laugh. "It was part of an effort to talk myself out of it."

"Seriously?" Robin is surprised to hear that, but after thinking on it a moment it does explain some things. "Is that why you said if your dad knew I was single he would tell _us_ to get married? I thought that was super-weird since Jerry didn't even know me back then."

"You noticed that, huh?" Barney says sheepishly. "Well, this is how that night even happened in the first place. After our family dinner nightmare, my dad still kept trying to talk to me. He'd contacted me a few times through email and text and I wouldn't answer."

"But you did answer," she interjects, confused. "That's how we ended up going out to Hopeless."

"Exactly. _I answered my dad's call_," he tells her meaningfully. But he can see she's still missing the crux of it. "After I wouldn't respond to any of that, my dad actually called me. I happened to be at MacLaren's at the time with some anonymous, easy blonde on my shoulder, but I felt absolutely nothing for her – not even below the waist. It just felt empty. My dad had no way of knowing where I was or _what_ I was feeling, but he told me the party can't go on forever and at my age I must be realizing that."

Robin nods. "Yeah, I remember you telling us something like that. But you said he was 'zero right'."

"I played it off to you guys, but in that moment at the bar on the phone with my dad, I knew he was right. I kept saying I wanted to convince _him_ that his Crazy Jerry lifestyle was better than settling down and getting married, but really I was just trying to convince myself," Barney reveals. "By that time I'd started to strongly want things I didn't think I could ever have – things like marriage and you, being married _to_ you – so I was trying to shut it down. But that night we went to Hopeless was the beginning of my dad helping me to see that I actually _could_ change and turn things around the same way that he did. And I never would've even taken his call if it wasn't for you. Because just a few days before that – "

"Oh my god, yes!" Robin remembers. "I found you at the bar and I could tell you were still upset. That's the night I finally got you to admit you had daddy issues," she says proudly.

"And you also told me I should see my dad again….."

* * *

><p><strong>April 2011<strong>

_You let all the girls go. _  
><em>Makes you feel good, don't it?<em>  
><em>Behind your Broadway show <em>  
><em>I heard a boy say, 'Please, don't hurt me'<em>

_You've carried on so long_  
><em>You couldn't stop if you tried it.<em>  
><em>You've built your wall so high<em>  
><em>That no one could climb it.<em>  
><em>But I'm gonna try<em>

* * *

><p>It's 9:30 on a Friday night and ordinarily the evening would just be getting started for Barney Stinson. Soon he'd be making his way into some attractive, gullible girl's bed and then out again by morning. But instead he's chatting up a nameless brunette in a low-cut top and he has no idea what he's even said to her or what she's said in reply.<p>

For all he knows he could be about to secure the hook-up or he might have just blown his chances. Honestly, he doesn't care one way or the other, which is probably why he's lost focus. His heart isn't in it. His heart hasn't been in it for quite a while, but the trouble is his body isn't even in it much either now. He seemingly has the world on a string and he's always liked the way he lives, but sleeping around doesn't do it for him anymore and if he takes a candid stock of his life he has to admit to himself at least that it hasn't done if for him ever since Robin. More and more he's thought about settling down. More and more his mind continually goes back to her.

But that's a whole other subject best left for a different night, he tells himself, trying to shove it away to a corner of his mind where lately it stubbornly refuses to stay. Right now he's got his hands full dealing with this drama with his dad.

Ever since he unexpectedly found out that Crazy Uncle Jerry is actually his long-lost father, Barney has grappled with what to do. Discovering that his dad wasn't just a guy who may not have even known of his existence – the way that Sam didn't know about James – but to the contrary was a man who had an actual relationship with him as a child yet willingly and knowingly abandoned him anyway was incredibly difficult to accept. It felt like a double betrayal and was a far worse scenario than he'd ever imagined. It took the tragedy of Marshall's dad dying to put a fire under him to even make contact because no matter how hurtful the situation is he knew he would always regret it if he didn't at least try as an adult to reconnect with the man who fathered him.

However, it wasn't easy. It was _never_ going to be easy, but seeing that Jerry had gotten his life together years ago and rather than look up his first-born son he'd simply moved on and ignored his very existence, starting a new family with new kids he's the model dad to that Barney never had, was an insult and pain far too difficult to bear. He took that basketball hoop that was owed to him and didn't look back. He hasn't spoken to his dad since.

And he might have been able to hold it together. He's dealt with hurt and disappointment his entire life so he might have been able to simply internalize it like he's always done, had it not been for Marshall abandoning him too. That was just one thing too many. And now it's _all_ out there: Marshall and Jerry and this stuff with Robin, all of these feelings he can't seem to make go away. It's tearing him apart but he's still trying his damnedest to ignore it. When Robin questioned him about it just the other day he went on pretending that none of it was so. But, tonight, he just doesn't have it in him to pretend – or to get drunk, or even to sleep with this chick who is slipping him her number right now. Instead, his eyes keep drifting over to Robin, who came in about ten minutes ago.

Ted is no doubt preoccupied with his Arcadian hussy, and Marshall is busy betraying him and sabotaging his career, so it was just him and Lily in the booth until he'd set his sights on this target. While he was hitting on tonight's bimbo, Robin walked in and shared a quick drink with Lily, who since left. Now it's just Robin alone in the booth, nursing a beer, and in his heart of hearts he knows he'd much rather be talking to her than getting some meaningless action from this girl.

He's not even sure what he says to blow her off but the next thing he knows his feet are carrying him back across the bar, and as he walks the tortured thoughts continue to trouble his beleaguered mind. The thing is he's always wished he could have had the idyllic childhood that Carly and Jerome Junior – the son who actually bears his name – have gotten to live. And what does he have instead? A wildly successful career that brings in more money than he knows what to do with and a killer bachelor pad that has to be the most awesome apartment in the city, true enough, but at the end of the day it still leaves him feeling empty, lonely even in the company of his many conquests, and unfulfilled. It feels like something's missing – and he's terrified he may already know what it is. _Who_ it is.

Nevertheless, torn over these issues with his dad and desperately needing even a momentary refuge, tonight he's giving himself a temporary reprieve to stop running and seek her company the way he's compelled to. He still has his pride though, and sliding into place across from Robin, Barney puts on a mask of free and easy irreverence as he lifts his glass to his lips.

Robin has been watching him the whole time. She was so preoccupied in fact she's certain she made bad company and that's why Lily left. But she's been keeping a close eye on Barney ever since this stuff with his dad went down. The group seems to be splintering apart lately, everyone with their own interests, and someone needs to be looking after Barney. He's shown them all such loyalty over the years but when it comes down to it she is the only one who has _his_ interests and well-being as a top priority. And whatever; that's fine, she supposes. Because even if the others won't be bothered to care _she's_ going to see to it that he's alright.

Problem is, he hasn't been alright and she knows it. He's putting up a good front but she sees it for what it is. Even tonight, he just let a slutty-looking and obviously eager twenty-something get away. The look on her face when he said whatever he said to her was one of a desperate girl with low enough self-esteem to leave her willing to let him do just about anything to her, no matter how depraved. And he still walked away.

Something's clearly wrong, but Robin knows confronting Barney directly will get her nowhere. She already tried that and he only closes off. Now she's going to go with a more roundabout approach. "What happened? Losing your touch?" she asks, already aware that's not the case. She knows full-well _he_ was the one who sabotaged the hook-up and she's going to try her best to get him to admit as much, even by accident.

Barney shrugs indifferently. "She said she was from Cleveland. It'd be like sleeping with Ted."

"Mm-hmm," Robin replies, hitting him with skeptical eyes. "From here it sounded like she had a New Jersey accent."

"All the more reason not to hit that."

"Like that's ever stopped you before. You know what I think?"

He came over to the booth because he wanted to talk to her, but not about his problems – and certainly not about his dad. He wanted her to be his oasis. Spending time with her always makes him happy. Being around Robin never fails to cheer him up. But lately she keeps trying to get him to face things he doesn't even want to confront himself. "Ech." Barney pulls a face. "Are you gonna start spouting all that 'unresolved abandonment issues' nonsense again?

For half a second she considers denying it but knows that's pointless. "It's not nonsense. It's the truth."

"Well I'm not interested in your truth. Now if you want to offer a little under the table hand action, _that_ I'd be interested in."

He expects her to chastise him in some way, she knows, but Robin merely crosses her arms, leaning back in the booth. "Do ya really think dirty jokes are going to put _me_ off? You should know better than that...I'm curious, what if I'd agreed?"

She's right that it had been a stall and distract tactic, one that failed miserably, but he's not about to quit now. He puts on his most sleazy expression. "Then I would've invited you over to this side of the booth."

Robin narrows her eyes at him and his obvious determination to avoid the subject, soldiering on nonetheless. "You _do_ have abandonment issues. But you don't need to, cause guess what? I'm not going anywhere," she says cleverly, making it clear she has zero intention of giving this up until he cracks. "You're stuck with me tonight." She nods over to the girl he just rejected. "And we both know you struck out with Jersey Shore over there on purpose, so since you clearly don't plan on nailing any of the girls in here anyway, you might as well talk to me."

At that, Barney gives her his first genuine look since he sat down at the booth. "I never said I didn't want to talk to you. I came over here, didn't I?" he mumbles, lifting his glass to take a swig.

It seems to help fortify him. Robin can actually see him pull himself up and try his best to shake the funk he's in.

Taking a stab at laidback normalcy, he asks, "So….anything new happen at work today?"

"Talk about your _dad_, Barney," she deadpans.

But he's having none of it. "Uh-uh. Nope. Not interested," he immediately shuts her down.

Deciding it's time to switch tactics, she tries the approach that nearly worked the last time. "How bout I buy you a drink?"

"Minx," Barney smiles, letting her know he's on to her. "That won't work; I'm still on my first scotch."

"You know I'm only trying to help you. I'm worried about you, Barney," she tells him earnestly. "First what happened when you went to see your dad….finding out he has a new family. Now all this stuff with Marshall – and the way you trashed your office. That was a cry for help."

His first instinct is to scoff, rebuff, and bristle at such messy, feelings-oriented talk that hits much too close to the truth, but he sees that she's genuinely concerned and it softens his response. "I'm fine, Robin."

"No. You're not," she flatly disagrees. Recognizing he's about to protest, she gets real with him before he can. Her tone takes on a soft, gentle quality as she leans slightly across the booth and says, "Take it from the last girl you seriously dated."

That immediately has Barney's attention. She so rarely directly mentions their past relationship. It's something they never talk about, so when they do he knows that it's serious.

"And probably the only girl you've ever slept with who actually knows you're real name and address," she adds with a hint of teasing.

"You _have_ resided in the Fortress of Barnitude," he concedes thoughtfully.

"And got to stay the next morning….and the morning after that," Robin finishes, now thoughtful too. But she shakes off those memories because that's not the point at the moment; making sure Barney's alright is. "So trust me when I say that you have as many daddy issues as I do. And that's _okay_," she's quick to emphasis. "That's who we are. Only you won't let yourself admit it."

"I don't have any daddy issues," he continues to insist. But he's no longer meeting her eye.

"Barney," she whispers his name, waiting until he looks up at her. "This is me."

He sighs, finally relenting. "Okay. So maybe I have a few."

"You have a crapload, just like me," Robin answers with a soft smile. "But you put up all these walls and this whole act, a million plays and all these personas, never just Barney. That way no one can see the real guy underneath. But _I_ do. Because I play that game too," she admits quietly. "I know you. And I _do_ know that you're hurting. You can tell me the truth, Barney. Letting someone in doesn't always lead to heartbreak."

"Doesn't it?" is his faint reply. He gazes intently over at her and the look in his eyes – so open and vulnerable and nakedly sad – holds her captive, tugging at her heart. "Because that worked so well with us."

"Maybe it did." She brings her hand closer on the tabletop until her pinky is lightly brushing his. "We're here talking honestly now, aren't we?"

"Robin, I'm…..I – " He struggles to express what he's feeling, all the pain and dread and heartache from a world that's repeatedly let him down. When he finally goes on, his voice is small, wounded, and broken. "I just don't know if I can face him again. Be disappointed that way again."

"I know," she answers with pure compassion and tenderness, covering his hand all the way with hers now. "I know; I do. But, Barney, I think it's important that you try. _I_ started talking to my dad again. It's hard. I won't say it isn't. But you can't outrun who you are. Eventually you have to face it and deal with it."

"I don't know," he answers honestly. "….Maybe." It's not exactly an assurance but it's the best he can give her right now. "Maybe I can try."

Robin knows the rest of the gang would say 'That's not good enough!', but she understands the toll it took on him to simply acknowledge the issue at all rather than continuing to pretend that everything is fine. He opened up to her in this moment, let her see inside to the good, bad, and the ugly. It may seem like a small step but she recognizes how monumental it is. It deserves to be rewarded by letting him off the hook for the rest of the night and just having a little fun together instead. "Wanna get out of here?" she suggests. "I still owe you a round of laser tag." She watches his face immediately brighten and it has her grinning. "I'll even run upstairs and suit up to make up for the two month delay," Robin offers, but Barney's already up out of the booth.

"And miss out on another fifteen minutes of game time? No way," he says incredulously. "Besides, you look hot in tight jeans. Lil' Barney has to get something out of the evening."

"Idiot," she laughs because he's positively incorrigible and try as she might she's always loved that about him.

Barney smiles at her laughter. "Come on, let's go!" he cries eagerly, taking ahold of her wrist and pulling her up.

Her laughter only increases at his enthusiasm and she shakes her wrist free, taking his arm instead.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"See, Barney. That night just proves it – both those night do. We don't need to have had any perfect ideal when we were younger. We have each other instead," Robin tells him, rubbing his arm lovingly. "Sometimes perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it's better to be imperfect. <em>We're<em> proof of that."

"I know you're right. What I have with now _is_ the dream, just exactly as it is; it doesn't need anything else. _I_ don't need anything else." This entire talk has opened Barney's eyes and made him feel so much better about things. There's just a tiny part of him that still wishes – just a little – that it had turned out differently. "But it would've been so great if Mom and _my_ dad could've gotten together too and actually had a real relationship instead of just being some guy she slept with sometimes until she got pregnant by mistake."

And now Robin sees what's truly at the heart of this. It's not so much a desire in the here and now to live out this perfect sitcom fantasy family. It's too late for that; he's a grown man. What's really bothering him now isn't necessarily that he didn't have that perfection growing up. What's upsetting him is the stark contrast of what he _did_ have, what he thinks he is instead: a mistake, not a product of love but just a rogue sperm his parents didn't want – a rather sordid beginning. The reality of what it really was and how he actually came to be bothers him. But if his parents had fallen in love and gotten together, in his mind that would have cleaned it all up and they could be the perfect family built on love now that he knows they never were. It's a sweetly naïve and childlike viewpoint, but he needs to hear that just because Jerry and Loretta were friends with benefits at best and still don't love each other now that doesn't make him any less cherished in either one of their lives or his family any less special as a result.

"Barney, it doesn't matter that your mom and dad don't have a relationship with each other as long as they have one with you. Your parents are both happy. They're just not happy _together_, and that's okay. Because maybe they're with the right people now, the people who understand them the way we understand each other," she expresses tenderly. "So maybe just let James have this one? We have each other. Let James have this. Let your _parents_ have this. Don't you want your mom to be as happy as we are? Maybe Sam is the guy who makes her happy."

Barney slowly nods his agreement. Robin can see the change on his face. He's let it go; he's accepted it now and is finally at peace with his upbringing.

But a second later he closes his eyes heavily in realization. "And I just told him to get his hands off my mom….I have to fix this, don't I?"

"Yeah," she nods apologetically.

"I just hope it's not too late," he sighs. "Do you think I scared him off?"

Robin laughs softly at the thought; she can't help it. If she knows her fiancé, his reaction was probably an offended outburst not a threat. She puts her hand to his cheek and sweetly tells him, "Probably not."

Barney straightens up in the bar stool, slightly outraged. "I _might_ have," he firmly asserts. "I'm a badass."

She grins at his indignation, but she has to admit he's not entirely wrong. There are times when they roleplay that he can rev her engine more than the toughest hockey player ever could. "When you're Fire Eagle, you're a badass," she amorously imparts.

"Barney Stinson is a badass too," he maintains. "You've seen all my citations for public urination. That's right. No one's gonna tell _me_ where and when I can pee. _I_ tell others when _they_ can pee." The afternoon she came to visit him for lunch not long before their wedding weekend they ended up roleplaying just exactly that in his office at her request. "Remember?"

He shots her a look hot enough to evoke not just that day but a string of scintillating sexual memories of Barney powerful and in command, tying her up, controlling her pleasure, manipulating her body at will. "Mmm yes," she purrs in delight. "You _are_ a badass."

Barney gets up off his stool to come nestle close, his one hand cupping Robin's neck and the other gliding down to her waist as he brings his mouth to hers. After only a moment he deepens the kiss, and when his tongue starts playing with hers as delicious as it is she knows it means he's forgotten the task at hand and she gently eases back. "Barney...your mom and Sam," she reminds him.

"Yes. Sam." He takes a deep breath, trying to keep that in mind as much as he would love to allow himself to be distracted with her. "I've got to go make this right, not only for my mom but for our wedding. He _is_ our new minister."

Robin smiles, realizing the situation is even more poetic than she originally appreciated. "Baby, he's not just our minister. If things work out he could be your stepdad, and you and James will have your big happy family after all. Only now you'll have two happy families – your mom and Sam and James, _and_ your dad, Cheryl, Carly and JJ. All your life you dreamed of having a dad, Barney, and now you might have two."

Barney considers it and his smile is even wider than Robin's. "I like that. I like it a lot." Before he can say more, his phone pings, alerting him to a new text.

"Maybe it's your mom," she suggests as he reaches into his pocket to check.

"No, it's Ted." Barney touches the screen to open the text. "And he says it's 'urgent'."

Robin makes a face that says _sure it is_. They both know Ted can be a drama queen.

"I'll go see what _that's_ about, and then I'll give Sam my blessing so my mom can be half as happy as we are," he tells her, kissing her quickly before beginning to head off.

"Hey, Barney." Robin pulls him back by his tie. "That's truly badass," she whispers, going in for another kiss.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: Barney's reference to the roleplay they did in his office when Robin came to visit him for lunch is a callback to the chapter for 8.24 (and my interpretation of the flashforward scene in 8.02 where Barney is telling his coworkers how legendary his wedding to Robin will be).

Also, the song I quoted at the beginning of each flashback is "Beneath Your Beautiful" by Labrinth, and if you've never heard the song it is an absolutely perfect description of Barney and Robin and their developing relationship in the earlier seasons.

Thanks again for all your reviews. I know I don't say it every chapter but I _always_ appreciate my readers. Every last one of your reviews excites and motivates me. I'm grateful for them all and for the continued audience (because I know not everyone who reads goes on to review and that's okay too!).


	59. 911

**Bedtime Stories**

* * *

><p>With a smile, Robin lays out her outfit for tonight on the bed. It's a $3000 L'Wren Scott dress she saw in one of Lily's fashion magazines and thought it would be perfect for the rehearsal dinner but wondered if spending that much would be a bit too extravagant for what essentially amounted to a small get-together with family and friends. A couple's rehearsal dinner is symbolically important, yes, but after all she's no socialite. But as soon as he found out she loved it Barney insisted on buying the dress for her as a pre-wedding gift.<p>

She's just grabbing her matching heels from the closet when Barney comes walking back into their room looking quietly pleased and worlds more tranquil than he had when he'd returned earlier that afternoon telling her all about his plot to reunite his parents. From his calm smile, she can guess he successfully mended fences with Loretta's new boyfriend but she asks anyway. "So how'd it go?"

"Great," he reveals animatedly. "I gave them my blessing to consummate their love and the last time I saw them they were sucking face outside her room. My guess is by now my mom is finally getting some for the first time since I was conceived," he repeats his earlier claim to James, still finding it most comfortable to live in denial as far as his mom's promiscuous sex life is concerned.

Robin holds in a laugh at such an absurdly false statement but glosses over it for his sake. "Okay then. That's good, right? Just like I said."

"It's even better than 'good'. Mom and Sam didn't take the Nutella so now we have a brand new jar for the honeymoon," Barney tells her with a leer, hooking an arm around her waist and drawing her in against him.

"Mmm," she murmurs approvingly, moving her hands up to his lapels. "Make sure you pack that for Belize." They both have a taste for the chocolate hazelnut spread and taking turns licking it off each other is a treat that stimulates all the senses. Just thinking about it, her eyes fall to his lips and she has to force them back away. "But right now we have to get ready. The rehearsal dinner starts at eight and we need to be downstairs by at least seven to make sure things are set up."

Barney sees this as his perfect opportunity to begin his ruse afresh. After the idea first occurred to him he'd planted the basic premise with the gang, knowing it would get back to Robin, but that was a couple of weeks ago. He needs to put it back in the forefront of her mind. "Right. 'Downstairs'," he chuckles. "Not at the laser tag place down the street."

"Don't even joke about that. For the last time, I'm not planning a surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner and you know it."

"Yeah. Sure. Right. Okay," he winks.

"I'm _not_," Robin insists. She's 90% sure he's only kidding, but that remaining 10% has her hoping nothing spoils their big night she's been planning for months. "Barney, I want this to be perfect," she conveys, an edge of uneasiness in her voice, "so please don't do anything crazy.

It's that hint of real worry that breaks him down. He's not about to reveal his caper, not when there's this great of a surprise waiting at the end – and if he could get through lying about the puppies despite the agony on her face, well, this is a piece of cake. But he still feels a little bad about that night, though she'll soon discover why it was necessary, and he wants to reassure her just a little bit. Dropping the act and being quite serious now, Barney swears in all honesty, "It _will_ be perfect. I promise. You're gonna love it and we'll all have a great time."

Appeased by that, Robin pulls her phone from her back pocket. "It's about 5:45, which gives us an hour and fifteen minutes to get ready. After the day I've had…." She shakes her head, still in somewhat of a daze at all the drama of the past twenty-four hours. "….I think a hot bath is just what I need for some final de-stressing." Smiling alluringly, Robin slides her hand up to play with the knot of Barney's tie. "I'd invite you along to help me relax but there isn't time for our kind of 'relaxing'. For what I've got planned we're gonna need to wait till tonight," she tells him, slipping out of his arms and walking into the bathroom.

"That's okay. While you're in the bath I can make some quick phone calls." What he really wants to do is make sure every last detail is set and in place for tonight: the actor is ready, the fake hallway is installed, Alan Thicke arrived this afternoon on schedule, everything downstairs to ready to transport quickly, and so forth. Obviously he can't tell her any of that, so he alibis instead, "You know, make sure the caterer's on their way, that sort of thing, and – oh crap! I forgot to tell my dad where Cheryl is." He turns to Robin just in time to see her stripping off her shirt, but as much as he'd like to watch what comes off next he knows he can't. "Here, I'll just close the door so you can relax and have some privacy and I'll handle all this."

"Alright. Thanks," she smiles as he shuts her in the bathroom.

As soon as he's alone, Barney whips out his phone. First things first, he calls his dad to enlighten him on his wife's whereabouts.

"What is it, Barney?" Jerome asks straightaway, his voice clearly flustered. "I can't be stuck in another elevator with your mother when my wife is still missing."

"No, Dad, that's what I've got to tell you: Ranjit took Cheryl to go parasailing."

"What? _Why_?"

"Yeah," Barney rushes over that question rather than admit his role in the kidnapping of his stepmother, "so you should probably go get her. They've got to be like three, four hours up the shore by now."

"Oh my god. But that means we won't be there for your rehearsal dinner."

"It's alright," Barney reassures him. "Cheryl can't skate anyway." Jerry has no clue what that means, but Barney ends the call before he can get a word in edgewise anyway. Better to leave him less time to question things. "I'll see you guys when you get back."

Once that little matter is taken care of – and now he notices the water running in the bathroom, meaning Robin can't hear him – Barney calls James, who's supposed to be in rehearsal with Alan Thicke about now.

Ten minutes later, after he's checked in with everyone – including Ted, the only member of the gang who is in on his surprise – and is satisfied that things are going just as he planned and everything is in place at the rink, Barney goes in to Robin.

He finds her looking quite relaxed indeed, buried in a sea of fragrant bubbles with her eyes closed and her neck resting back against the edge of the tub.

"Hey," she smiles up at him when she hears the door opening. "Everything's good?"

"Yep. This is gonna be awesome." More than she has any idea, actually.

"I can't believe tonight is our rehearsal dinner."

A happy little sigh escapes her and Barney's glad to hear it after how upset she was about her mom – and his, for that matter – this morning.

But Robin's thoughts have strayed to some different, earlier disillusionments. While she's been in the bath getting ready for tonight her mind began drifting down not-so-happy memory lane and all the difficulties she's been through to get to this moment. It's a little hard to believe she's finally made it to the other side and there's only happiness from here on out. Life experience has taught her that's not likely, and in fact it's a concept she never used to even _believe_ in. Expecting the worst case scenario, when it all goes bad and she's left alone again, has always been her modus operandi. But then she used to not believe she could ever have happiness at all. "There was a time I thought this would never happen for me," she reveals to him.

"Marriage?" Barney questions. Everyone knows she always swore up and down that marriage was never a part of her life plan. "Wasn't that 'time' pretty much most of your life from the age of eighteen?"

"Yeah, I mean I always said I didn't want to get married – and for the longest time  
>I really did believe it. But no matter what I said or how I <em>wanted<em> to feel there was still a part of me that longed for some of those traditional things. Not kids, but love and marriage," she qualifies.

Kneeling down to sit beside the tub, Barney nods, readily believing that. He'd suspected as much for years. For a woman who swore off love and claimed to be incapable of long-term relationships, she ate up real, genuine affection and caring – which is how she got involved with a guy like Ted – and was continually drawn to seek out lasting companionship, both platonically and romantically.

"The part of me that secretly wanted love and marriage just kept getting louder and louder," she continues, "until I eventually realized that even if I was the most successful journalist in the world, my career alone wasn't going to make me happy. And that realization pretty much happened when you and I dated the first time around," Robin divulges. "I was so happy with you those first five months before anyone found out. I never would have said it – I didn't even want to know it myself – but being with you taught me there was so much more to life and to really, _truly_ being in love than I ever knew existed. I didn't want to ever go back to being without it….But then we broke up, and everything happened with Don, and my life just spiraled. Do you know I still cringe at the memory of that day three summers ago when I ran into Simon again – picking up his wedding cake?"

Even now there's still a smidgeon of humiliation in her tone, but Barney can only smile at the memory of the rest of that night. Reaching over, he rubs Robin's exposed knee, tracing circles on the soft skin that's peeking out through the soap bubbles. "If it makes you feel any better, when I saw Simon in February he was back in Canada, back to his unimpressive self. And I'm pretty sure his marriage had fallen apart too, if it ever went off to begin with. We didn't exactly play catch-up. Though I made sure he knew you were _my_ fiancée," he adds with just a touch of possessiveness for the man she once found so enchanting she cried over him multiple times.

"I don't care what Simon's doing now," Robin clarifies. "But at that time I did. I was just _not_ in a place to handle another disappointment back then….."

* * *

><p>August 2010<p>

* * *

><p>Sitting propped up in the adjustable hospital bed, Robin tries to figure out how it all went wrong. Not her life – that question's too complicated to answer – but simply the past ten hours.<p>

She was over on the Upper East Side for the express purpose of hitting up Geisel's Bakery. It's just down the block from Barney's apartment – he introduced her to it in the first place – and it quickly became her favorite when they were dating. It turns out old habits die hard. Even though it's been nine months since their breakup she still can't shake the craving. Some days she misses it – the bakery, _just_ the bakery – so much it's like a hollow ache in her gut.

And this afternoon she was wallowing. Truthfully she's been wallowing for the past two months, ever since she got dumped hard. She was sad and wallowing so she let herself go down to that familiar, comforting bakery to drown her sorrows in a box of Geisel's donuts – and her sorrows are enormous enough that she needed to stop right then and there and devour an éclair on the spot.

That's when she ran into Simon. For a minute she thought maybe it was fate. He'd made a stunning transformation and here he was at her doorstep, living in New York even. Maybe he could be the answer to it all and she wouldn't have to be this sad, unlovable loser who eventually becomes a lonely old cat lady.

But then he told her he was engaged.

It was Louise Marsh yet again; she has a Jacuzzi and all.

Robin's eyes had teared up and something just came over her. The next thing she knew she was back in the apartment, looking up at this happy little couple atop the cake. She knew everything Ted was saying was right: she ought to go crawling back, apologize, return the cake; that's what she _should_ be doing. But as she tweaked the veil on the miniature bride all she could think was that will never be her, and soon she was eating her feelings away.

Flash forward several hours, and here she is in the hospital.

It's late and Marshall and Lily left as soon as they found out she'd be okay. Ted hung around a while longer but when he learned they were keeping her overnight for observation and she wouldn't be needing a ride home he headed back to the apartment alone to get some sleep.

Now it's just her and Barney, who she's certain will be leaving too any minute now. Robin's actually a little surprised he's still here. She thinks maybe it's because it was Simon and Barney understands better than any of the others why that man still has the power to hurt her.

It seems she never stops wanting to be sixteen again.

What she doesn't know, doesn't even come close to suspecting, is it has nothing to do with Simon and everything to do with her.

Barney first got the call from Ted when Robin was halfway through eating the wedding cake. Ted explained the situation: how Robin had run into Simon again; she'd hoped for a date but he was engaged; she freaked out and stole his wedding cake – a ballsy move he was quite proud of – but then she felt ashamed and embarrassed, causing her to spiral even further until Lily saved the day, convincing her they could make it into something positive.

_He_ ran with it from there, for Robin mostly but also because it was genuinely rather epic. He contacted everyone they knew and hauled in a respectable turnout for her. He even got a keg. He just wanted everyone there to cheer her on in an upbeat, party atmosphere. And it seemed to have worked for a while. She'd finished, actually finished the whole damned wedding cake, because Robin Scherbatsky is a champion who doesn't let anything stand in her way. And she called it "an awesome night". She stood up and commanded all of their attention, announcing she'd bested that cake, and she was so strong, so full of that never-give-up spirit. She was _his_ Robin again, not this sad defeated thing she's become. All he could do was smile at her with such pride that she'd finally bounced back and become herself again. So when she proclaimed with fierce determination that she wasn't done yet, it seemed like the best idea in the world to him at the time. He should have used better judgment. He shouldn't have been so caught up in missing his Robin. Now she'd hurt herself physically and she's right back into the emotional funk she'd been in before.

"I can't believe I let Simon do this to me again," Robin bemoans, breaking into Barney's thoughts. "But he was hot, and I've been alone, and I thought –

"Interesting," Barney interrupts calculatingly. Because even in her emotional state he can't resist pointing out this appreciably tantalizing fact. "Interesting how Simon – who you admitted _did_ look terrible before once your revertigo wore off – suddenly made your panties want to hit the floor the very second he suited-up."

Barney's suit obsession does take Robin's mind off her troubles, making her momentarily smile. "Shut up," she tells him, rolling her eyes.

Although, now that he's brought it up, she wonders if he might have a point.

She'd never seen Simon so put together before. The sight of a well-dressed man in a tailored suit was recognizably appealing. And come to of think of it, he _was_ wearing a blue shirt that was almost identical to one that Barney has. She noticed because it's one of her favorites on Barney and, not coincidentally, he'd worn it a lot when they were together – including the morning Lily locked them in her bedroom and made them 'define the relationship'.

She's been swearing off men ever since she got dumped, but one look at Simon wearing that suit and shirt combination and she immediately hit on him….Huh….

Could it be even worse than a simple suit that caused that reaction? Was it actually transference of lingering Barney feelings, she wonders in alarm. But she absolutely _cannot_ go there. She literally isn't strong enough at the moment, so she pushes it from her mind, going back to pondering the painful way she was spurned yet again by yet another man. "It just really sucked to be one-upped and rejected for the same girl three times."

"Robin, you are _way_ better than Louise Marsh. And you're certainly better than Simon. Even a suited-up Simon."

Again, his comment manages to perk her up. He's always had that effect on her, and right now his confident assurance that she's awesome and not the pathetic loser that she feels like is exactly what's needed. But at the same time she knows undoubtedly that he's only lying to ease her feelings. It's sweet of him, but facts are fact. "Barney," she answers, slightly amused, "how can you say that? You don't even know Louise Marsh. She could be hot."

"She could be," he acknowledges. "But it isn't possible for her to be hotter than you."

It's a tremendous compliment, and coming from him it makes her heart flutter.

_No_.

No, no, no, no, no, she tells herself. Feeling anything for Barney still is the last thing she can handle, so she locks it away and laughs instead. "Yeah right. Look at me. I just ate a whole wedding cake."

"Triumphantly, though."

"Then a keg of beer. Then I had my stomach pumped," she ticks off the various checkmarks under the 'not hot' category. "And I'm currently in a hideous hospital gown."

"_Hey_," he shoots back. "You told me when I got hit by that bus that some people can rock a hospital gown."

She shrugs apologetically. "I wanted to make you feel better."

"Maybe so, but it happened to be true. I rocked the gown, and so do you." She just shakes her head disbelievingly, picking glumly at the sheet covering her, and he knows it's time. It's time for someone to speak up and stop tip-toeing around her, coddling her like the rest of the group. He understands why they're doing it and he absolutely wants her to be happy again too, but it's time someone tells her the truth about what she's been doing to herself these past couple of months. "Robin, I know you've been having a rough time of it lately. So let yourself go a little if you want to. Do errands in sweats. Eat a messy donut. Speed eat an entire cake if you need to. But that's not what this is. This is punishing yourself. This is running scared, hiding away from the world. And Robin Scherbatsky doesn't do any of those things."

This is the first time anyone's confronted her about her downward spiral, but rather than answer defensively all of the bitterness and hurt feelings come bubbling up and Robin snaps out, "Yes she does."

"Why?"

"Because," she replies in frustration as if the answer should be obvious to him. "Look what happens when I try, Barney. Like tonight, when I tried to make things better I only ended up in the hospital. Or the way I tried with my career but I'm still stuck in a dead-end job at _Come On, Get Up New York!_ – where incidentally they just hired a blonde bimbo co-anchor with the IQ of a rock."

"Or with Don?" Barney has the guts to suggest, cutting right to the quick of it as much as it pains him to even talk about the jerk.

It hurts hearing his name brought up. It hurts a lot. But not as much as when her mind silently adds, _Or with you_…._Especially with you_. There is still a part of her that wants to scratch the eyes out of – or, more likely, point her concealed pistol at – every girl Barney goes home with. The only thing that stops her, well, other than her pride, is knowing they mean nothing to him.

"Look, Robin, I know this whole Don thing threw you for a loop. You put yourself out there and the guy was an undeserving douche, just like I always knew."

The fact that it was spoken with pure animosity and not even a hint of told-you-so is some comfort to her.

"You trusted someone you shouldn't have and it knocked you down. I get that. But this," Barney articulates, waving a hand over her slumped shoulders and defeated expression, "this that you've been doing, it isn't you."

"Maybe it is. Maybe it's the new me. Or maybe that's who I've always been, I don't know. But I just _can't_ try anymore. What's the point?" she says, resigned. It's not even a question so much as a statement of throwing in the towel. "Even Simon gets a happy ending. What do _I_ get?" she questions resentfully. "That's why I stole his cake. Because he already has everything. It wasn't fair for him to have a perfect little wedding cake too. I should get _something_….But all I got was my stomach pumped. Trying seems to always backfire on me so why even bother? Right?"

Barney already knew as much, the truth of what's behind this, but it's encouraging that he's at least gotten her to admit it. "So that's what this is then?" he confirms, allowing disappointment to seep into his tone. "Giving up?"

"Why not, Barney?" she laughs bitterly. "Why _shouldn't_ I give up?"

"Because some of us would miss the _real_ Robin – and, no, this woman who's been around for the past couple of months isn't even close to her. If you give up, I – some of us," he quickly corrects himself, "would miss the real, strong, determined, _hot_ Robin who doesn't have what I'm hoping is frosting and not vomit in her hair," he says, pointing to the bottom of her ponytail in disgust.

She reaches up and swiftly wipes away a chunk of what is in fact vanilla cake frosting.

"And maybe because your happy ending is still out there," Barney finishes. "It's still coming. For someone as awesome as you, it _has_ to be."

Robin looks up at him in surprise. What he just told her was reassuring and hopeful and sweet, but such an un-Barney-like thing to say or ever honestly believe….And yet, he _had_ been right there with her tonight, by her side boosting her spirits through the whole thing. Unlike the others, he never even once suggested it was wrong for her to take the cake or that she should have brought it back. Instead he'd been all about shouting her on to glory. _Just a few more pieces left_, he'd encouraged. _You got this_. And when he thought she was going to puke, rather than back up like the rest of the crowd he moved closer, putting his arm around the back of her chair and his hand on her leg supportively. Then when she did manage to get that final bite down and stand up, he raised her hand in the air victoriously, applauding and cheering her louder than anyone else. Remembering that and realizing that Barney might actually still believe in her for real, things don't seem quite as bleak. "You really think so?"

"Yes, I do," he answers quietly. "But don't ever tell the others I used the words 'happy ending' outside of an Asian massage parlor reference."

Robin laughs and it makes Barney smile. "I won't tell them," she promises.

"Good." He straightens the knot of his tie. "Cause I have a reputation to uphold."

She's smiling up at him and feeling the best she has since this whole thing with Simon started when Barney suddenly takes off his suit coat. Bewildered, she questions, "What are you doing?"

"Well you didn't expect me to leave a bro to spend the night in the hospital all by herself did you?"

"You're staying?" she asks in pleasant disbelief. Just saying the words warms her heart. She has too much pride to ever ask any of them to stay with her, but she _really_ didn't want to be alone tonight.

He gives her a soft smile. "Yeah I'm staying." And then the moment of tenderness is gone and he's back to normal. "Now shove over," he demands, motioning for her to scoot over on the mattress.

"For real? Barney, I just had my stomach pumped."

He'd already scanned the room and the only other thing was a rather sad-looking chair in the corner that he's not about to sit in overnight. "Please. You're hardly even sick," he reasons. "And polyester wrinkles my suits."

Robin rolls her eyes again but she's smiling as she capitulates. "Fine." And when Barney gets into bed beside her, her stomach gives a funny little quiver that has nothing to do with her physical ordeal but that she does her best to ignore.

"Hey," he exclaims, grabbing the remote that's tethered to the bed and yanking a hunk of her sheet up over his legs, "we can still catch the second half of Fallon."

Robin can't help but smile even as the TV fills the room, bright and just a little too loud. If anyone told her _this_ is how she'd end her day she never would've believed them, but now that she's living it, it isn't bad at all. Lying here with Barney, feeling safe and calm and relaxed, it's actually quite nice and she gradually gives herself over to fatigue.

Barney makes some occasional conversation, commenting on what they're seeing on the television, but he notices her replies getting shorter or failing to come at all and he can see the way her eyes have started to fall closed before she catches herself and opens them again. "Robin, it's late, and near alcohol poisoning is about a seven on a scale of unawesomeness."

"Thanks," she deadpans.

"No," he smiles. "What I mean is, you _can_ go to sleep if you feel like it." He nudges her mischievously with his elbow. "You don't have to worry; I'm not gonna try anything."

Mostly asleep already, Robin murmurs, "Been there and done that, right?"

"Well, my oldest rule _is_ new is always – " He cuts off as her head falls down onto his shoulder, her cheek settling against the top of his lapel. "New is always better," Barney finishes in a whisper. In her sleep, Robin's even breathe blows out soft and warm against his neck. "But…." he sighs, leaving it at that.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"I was right, though," Barney proudly boasts from his place beside the tub. "You <em>did<em> find your happiness."

"That's not what you said." Robin smirks shrewdly, well aware he's avoiding the Ted-like phrase he's used back then on purpose. "Say it again…."

He gives her a look, but he can see she's not backing down. "Your….happy ending," he repeats quickly and self-consciously as if the very words are kicking him down a notch or two on the awesome scale.

Robin giggles at his reaction but confirms he's right nonetheless. "I did. And with the Player King of New York City," she says grandly.

"Yes, the _king_," Barney stresses. "I've got the scars to prove it. Seriously, I've had to climb out of too many windows in my day."

"Hazard of the game," she grins. "And you're only emphasizing the title because when we were all at MacLaren's last Marshall and Ted taunted you about the time he was able to so easily steal that girl from 'the king' as payback."

"They were way off-base, Robin," he begins his diatribe, though she must have already heard every single one of his arguing points during their entire cab ride home that night. "First of all, I don't know why Ted thought he needed payback for that professor. He should've been thanking me."

"Why is that?" she laughs, failing to see his reasoning even slightly.

"I warmed her up for him."

Robin makes a face, not caring to hear anything more about the great sex he gave this woman.

"No, hear me out," Barney defends before Robin can forbid him. "She was all excited that night with Ted because the Yankees won and she thought she'd bedded a player, thus making her a part of the victory by schtupping him on to the win. Ted _could_ have parlayed that into celebration sex. He's the one who blew his chance and missed out on her blowing him."

"I love it when you get romantic," she teases.

"As if you'd be offended. You're no sexual shrinking violet – and I _love_ that about you," he adds, waggling his eyebrow. "We both know how passionate women like you get when they're all excited and it's been too long." He has it undeniably spot-on, and she can only smile coyly as she rearranges the soap bubbles across her chest. "Besides, we _saw_ her," Barney points out. "That woman was just begging Ted to 'take advantage' of her."

"That's right!" Robin gasps, amused. "I'd almost forgotten. We _did_ sneak over to get a glimpse of her…."

* * *

><p>October 2010<p>

* * *

><p>Ted took off twenty minutes ago to spend the night with the hot new physics professor who wanted to go to dinner with him, and since then Marshall and Lily went home too – probably to take another stab at Project Make-a-Baby. Now it's just him and Robin.<p>

As she slides back into the booth with a new drink for each of them, Barney's mind is still pondering Ted and if his bro will be going home tonight or going home tomorrow. "So I wonder if Ted's discovered what side of the International Date Line he's on yet."

"_Please_," Robin begs him, "no more graphic explanations of what you get on each side of the line."

"You loved it," Barney contradicts. "I saw you laughing."

He's right. She was cracking up at his filthy jokes and gestures, as per usual, but she can't help it if they have the same dirty sense of humor and Barney's delivery is too charming not to be swept along. "Well, for Ted's sake, I hope it _is_ a date. He hasn't gotten any in a looong time. Between you and me, I've noticed him starting to eye – "

"Oh god," he cries out in revulsion. "If you two start sleeping together again I'll kill myself."

"No," she replies, taken aback. "Don't be ridiculous. Not me. Becky."

Barney hates the tide of relief that washes over him, but it's there and he can't deny it.

"I guess I should have seen it coming," Robin muses. "Blonde hair, big boobs, vacant eyes. All the guys down at the station love her. I'm surprised _you_ haven't slept with her yet."

"Please. I don't date minors."

"Becky's twenty-seven."

"But she acts like she's seven. Anyway, you don't sleep with the enemy of a bro," he upholds, taking Robin's troubles with her co-worker quite seriously now. There's no way he's making that mistake again. Anytime she comes to him, _anything_ she wants to share, from now on she has his undivided attention. "Unless it's some kind of revenge sex thing," he revises. "But I don't think that's the case here."

"No," she answers flatly. The last thing she needs is Barney sleeping with Becky, giving her one more reason to despise the woman.

"Wanna go down there and see for ourselves?" Barney suddenly asks, full of excitement.

Robin, however, isn't following the abrupt turn in the conversation, though she does smile at his fervor. "Go where, to see what?"

"Go spy on Ted at the restaurant. See if this girl is as hot as he says – and find out if it really is a date. You know Ted won't tell us the truth if it isn't."

She mulls it over a few seconds and it actually does sound kind of fun, plus Barney's enthusiasm is always infectious. "Alright. You're on."

Barney is thrilled to have her as his companion in mischief for the night, just like old times, but once they get outside a formidable roadblock occurs to him. "We just have to figure out where they went." No sooner does the problem arise than his brain is already conjuring up convoluted ways to solve it. "Maybe I can bribe the homeless guy around the corner to tell me what cab Ted took, and then I'll – "

"Lunatic," she laughs, stopping him before he has them off on some elaborate wild-goose chase around town. "They're at the Roma Bistro."

Barney regards her, impressed. "How do you know that?"

Robin smirks again. "Because Ted literally just told us that's where he's meeting her."

"Huh," he ponders, shrugging. "I tune him out when he starts going on about a girl – unless it's related to cup size."

"Naturally."

"I'm surprised _you_ listened," he counters, fully aware neither one of them wants to hear Mosby Ted-out about a girl.

"It only made a dent because I went there myself last weekend," she admits.

Once they get a cab, it's a short drive to the restaurant and soon they're standing just outside the front door. There's something invigorating and fun about sneaking around on a covert mission and already it's hard for either one of them to keep a straight face.

They already plotted out their plan of attack in the car: use the lobby for reconnaissance, get a glimpse of the girl, try to ferret out her body language as quickly as possible to determine her potential date status, and all without Ted ever knowing – because it will be oh so much more fun to ambush him with it later, providing the girl is homely or not interested in him at all.

"Alright," Barney says, taking charge, "my alias is Jack Package."

"Haven't you used that one already?"

He just ignores her. "And you can be my friend-with-benefits, Holli Cumsalot."

She narrows her eyes at him. "If you ever call me that name I will slap you across the face as hard as _I_ can – and that's way worse than anything Marshall could do to you."

He shivers at her fierceness, putting his hands up in surrender. "Duly noted. You'll be Robin."

"Besides, I don't see why we'll need aliases," she reasons. "Just be cool."

"Be cool?" he repeats in slighted disbelief. "I am _always_ cool."

"Okay, Jack Package." She shakes her head, smiling. "That is such a stupid name."

Walking through the door and into the entryway of the semi-casual bar and grill there's an air of amusement and mirth surrounding them from the sheer fun of their crazy scheme. "Okay, okay," Barney attempts seriousness through their levity, "we have to be quiet or he'll spot us."

Robin looks over at him, grinning. "You're the one who can't stop laughing."

As if on cue he giggles uncontrollably and covers his mouth to muffle the sound, in the process nearly knocking over the specials board. Once they've righted it, they both peer around the corner, being all covert, Robin leaning her chin on his shoulder and whispering "Shh" in his ear.

As they glance around the restaurant she quickly locates Ted since he's turned around watching the TV over the bar….which means he could easily see them too and with a start they duck back around the corner. The minute they look at each other they start laughing again. "What is Ted doing watching TV, even on a _possible_ first date?"

"I don't know." Barney shakes his head. "Must be some documentary on the history of the fountain pen."

"No," she snickers. "It's the Yankees game."

Slowly, he peeks around the corner again to verify it for himself.

"Can you see the girl?" Robin whispers.

"No. Ted's head is blocking out her face."

"May I show you to a table?" an unfamiliar voice asks, causing them both to jump.

Spinning around, they're confronted by an employee of the bistro, who is staring at them oddly.

"No, we're spying on our friend, Ted," Barney tells the man matter-of-factly.

That only increases the strange look so Robin jumps in before they get kicked out of the place. "We'll just seat ourselves at the bar, thank you."

After another curious look the man finally walks back into the main room, but she barely has time to celebrate their narrow escape when Barney snorts loudly. "What is it? Is she hideous? Ted oversold her, didn't he?"

"Oh she's hot. And quite flexible too….Trust me, I know," he adds with trademark Barney sleaze.

"What are you talking about?" Robin questions, but then a thought occurs to her. "Uch. Is this some new talent of yours? Some theory you've come up with? Ways to tell how flexible a girl is from across the room?"

"No, but that's a great idea," he grins, turning back to her. "I know because I totally nailed that girl."

"_What_?" Robin giggles. "Did you really?"

"Yeah, I did," Barney confirms, laughing now too. "About a month and a half ago. I told her I play for the Yankees," he smugly discloses.

"I can't believe women still fall for that."

"I can go you one better: I said I was Derek Jeter."

Robin shakes her head. The two of them look nothing alike. They're not even the same race. "And this woman is a college professor. That's what's wrong with the next generation." Barney nods sagely even though he's the one who deceived the woman. "Well, there go Ted's chances." No way will he want Barney's cast-offs or a woman dumb enough to fall for one of his plays.

"Why?" Barney asks, failing to see the problem here. "She's a good lay for one night."

"Nice."

"She's perfect for Ted. Just what he needs."

Shaking her head again, Robin steps back toward the door. "Speaking of, I've got to go. Max and I are having big date number three tonight."

"Ah," he answers knowingly. "So you're ready to jump back on the horse too?"

"It's been a long summer," she sighs.

He lets out a low, husky laugh. "I bet. But try to take it easy on him. He looks pretty straight-laced….and I know how you get when it's been a while."

Her feminine modesty is slightly ruffled by that comment and Robin defends, "I'm not _that_ bad. You make is sound like I'm some sex-starved nymphomaniac." He levels her with a look. "I am not," she maintains. "And _you'd_ have no way of knowing what I'm like sex-starved. Until the end, we never went more than – " Realizing her blunder, she cuts herself off.

Barney regards her with a playfully, raised eyebrow. "You were saying? We never went more than a day without doing what now?"

"Never mind," she says, hoping he'll drop it but knowing he won't.

"What?" he asks, all innocence. "Let's clear this up. You were referring to all the times you jumped my bones because it'd been too long since _we_ boned, right? And by 'too long' I mean a couple of days tops. Like the time Ted caught a summer flu and wouldn't go out so we couldn't use the apartment," he reminds her.

There's no need to have her memory refreshed. Robin recalls it quite well. Having Ted always underfoot Barney-blocking her was like slow torture.

"After the bar that night," Barney resumes, "I waited downstairs and you snuck out your window, and the very minute we were alone in the backseat on the way to my place you climbed onto my lap. I had to pay the driver triple to bend the rearview mirror away so we could do each other right there in the cab, since _you_ couldn't wait the twenty minutes." Her face remains impassive but he can gage a reaction in her eyes. She remembers, and if he's not mistaken her breath is coming slightly quicker. "Or maybe it was the time I had to stay late at GNB for an overseas teleconference and we missed _one_ night. By the next afternoon you were so hungry for it you showed up at my office wearing nothing underneath that trench coat," he hums, reaching up to finger the edge of her sleeve just past her shoulder. "You left a perfect ass print on my window because you wanted to bang over 6th Avenue." He smiles decadently recalling it. "That was a – "

"You're wrong," Robin interjects. "The time of the trench coat we did it on your couch. I remember because we broke the spring, and you said I was – " Again, remembering herself, she abruptly stops talking.

Barney's lips stretch into a slow grin. "I said," he finishes for her, "you were so enthusiastic and into it you almost sprained Lil' Barney. Yeah…." He takes a long breathe through his teeth. "That was _HOT_. But you're right; the ass print was a different time. The point still stands though. Or shall I go on?"

"Max can handle it," she firmly ripostes, letting him know she considers the subject definitely closed.

"Hey break a leg," he replies in a tone suggesting he's all for hot, horny sex. "Just don't break his – "

"Goodnight, Barney," she interrupts with a smile, walking out of the restaurant alone.

With Robin's exit the air in the room seems to change and he feels suddenly hollow, deflated, and vaguely depressed. Barney doesn't allow himself to examine too closely why thinking of Robin on her date tonight bothers him, but it does – enough in fact to motivate him into finding _himself_ a bed partner for the evening the same as she has.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"That was a fun night," Robin reminisces with a soft smile.<p>

"With Max? Of the tiny penis?" Barney asks resentfully, though it still makes him shudder to speak of such things. "Psht, I doubt it."

"No, not with Max. Though it's cute that you're jealous." Much as she'd like to be able to say she doesn't care about such things, Max's tiny penis really had been an issue. It was sex, which after her dry spell was better than nothing, but he wasn't exactly rocking a power tool and his substandard equipment made it necessary to otherwise spice things up using some creative methods. But what Barney had said back then was true. Max was too straight-laced and couldn't handle it. He always wimped out before she could get off on it and he eventually ended it before she could because her sexual appetites were too much for him. The wuss.

"I was talking about with _you_," she clarifies. "It was fun sneaking around together. And I've gotta admit, it was pretty hilarious that Ol' Teddy Westside finally found himself a hot date and then she turned out to be a woman you'd already slept with...Even if it did cost you Pink Sweater Girl," Robin playfully adjoins. She watches Barney bristle and it makes her smile grow.

"For the record, if it had been a direct competition Ted never would've won," Barney resolutely asserts. "He only got her number because I was otherwise distracted…."

* * *

><p>July 2011<p>

* * *

><p>The night begins like any other: Marshall and Lily on one side of the booth, Barney and Robin on the other, and Ted pulling up a chair on the end. They're all drinking and laughing and in high, good spirits and by the time Marshall tells them the dirty joke he just heard, he has the perfect audience.<p>

Robin leans into Barney as she laughs hysterically at the pun. It was funny, true enough, but having Robin laughing close at his side, her arm brushing his with her every movement, is far more enjoyable to Barney than any joke could ever be. Laughing too, he turns to look at her and immediately feels that recognizable and overpowering wanting he experiences whenever he's near her. She's absolutely beautiful tonight, her expression shining bright with amusement and her cobalt blouse open to a deep V he can't resist looking down as he whispers, "They ought to try that in a hot tub", referencing the time the two of them did just that and adding a soft nudge to her elbow so there's no mistaking his meaning.

Robin knows exactly what he's talking about, and though she shouldn't let herself fall into this flirtation with him yet again, nevertheless she smirks and whispers back, "They couldn't handle that."

But only a second later she notices Barney checking out a girl with a tight sweater up at the bar and the smile is wiped clean from Robin's face.

Sure enough, Barney announces, "Boing!"

Robin looks down, taking a deep breath against the stab of jealousy she shouldn't be feeling as Barney gets up to go hit on the girl.

However, he doesn't get beyond merely standing up when Lily begins taunting him that the girl is out of his league. Ordinarily he'd simply prove her wrong by coaxing the woman into leaving with him, but tonight Barney allows himself to be distracted rather than cutting right to the chase. After all, the blonde will still be there for sex later. Now he's enjoying himself right where he is. So he sits back down at the booth, ready to give them elaborate verbal proof instead.

He proclaims himself Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City and Robin rolls her eyes, definitely not in the mood to hear bragging – or, even worse, detailed stories – about his many conquests.

"So why am I the king?" he prompts, expecting willing participation. When no one speaks up he resolves to simply pretend as if they did, because he's telling this tale one way or the other. He glances to Robin, declaring, "Glad you asked."

"We didn't," Marshall points out.

"Never do," Robin seconds sourly, now knowing any hope to avoid his graphic sex stories was in vain.

Barney continues anyway, ignoring them all and announcing "It's origin story time!" with all the excitement as if they were hanging on his every word. But he hadn't failed to notice the little dig Robin just put in. She'd teased him about no one ever asking to hear his stories and now he's going to play with her right back.

Turning all that bravado on her, Barney puts his arm around the back of the booth, which means conveniently around her as well. "Trust me." Moving in close, he hits her with a heated look Robin remembers well. With those deep blue eyes holding hers it's hard to say which is louder: the warning bells or the tingles zipping through her. "Every word is true," he promises, his tone all sleek seduction as he moves even closer. Robin looks away, feeling that familiar flush start at her cheeks and spread down her body.

But a second later he's talking about quenching some other girl's thirst for action even as his arm is still around _her_ and that cures her of the flushed tingles, replacing them with the prickle of jealousy once again.

Barney fails to notice, however, and goes on weaving his intricate tale of the High Council of Players and his West Side agreement with them of 2004. Caught up in the story himself, he makes Tuxedo Charlie the one who wants Robin rather than Bronx Donnie, who he has call dibs on Lily for fear that Bronx Donnie with his rough, tough, sports-inclined nature might actually _appeal_ to Robin. It would be a shame to feel envious of his own made-up character. Instead of playing second fiddle to any guy, even an imaginary one, he sets himself up as the hero of this story, saving Robin's and Lily's honor and becoming Player King through his own sheer cunning and genius.

Posing confidently, Barney decrees, "Boom. The end." Turning on all the charm, he leans into Robin a second time with smoldering eyes and raised eyebrows and blatant flirtation as he adds his trademark, "True story."

Robin feels her cheeks heating again and she looks away, but this time laughing and shaking her head. The only thing missing to fully expose her feelings is a "You're an idiot" but she manages to keep that inside.

All the while Barney has been so busy making himself out to be the hero and flirting shamelessly with Robin that he forgot all about the girl with the tight sweater until Marshall calls his attention to the fact that _Ted_ is currently making out with her.

Robin is quite pleased with this new development, grinning over the fact that Barney will not be going home with the sweater girl tonight. But he's aghast that he was beaten out by Ted, who announces that it's payback for him ruining his chances with Lisa the professor, whose name Barney didn't even remember. He can't stop sulking over this wrongdoing, especially when Robin laughs about Ted's revenge.

But then Lily proposes they all have another round – which turns into another and another – and Robin puts her arm around him, rubbing his shoulder and back in comfort, and within five minutes Barney forgets all about it, knowing he's having a much better time laughing together with Robin at his side than he ever would have in the quickie he could have had with the blonde in some club bathroom.

And as the night wears on Barney continues occasionally feigning remaining hurt feelings just so Robin will keep touching him.

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"Your High Council of Players story was ridiculous, you know," Robin grins recalling it. "Inventive, but ridiculous."<p>

"_What_? How can you – what are you saying?" Barney demands. "It was a magnificent tale. I was a hero who saved you from the lustful intentions of Tuxedo Charlie."

"Mm-hmm, and if that story _is_ true, as you claimed, it means I'm about to marry a multiple murderer," she shrewdly mentions. "Should I trust you on the honeymoon alone in a foreign country? Or will you poison my champagne?" she teases.

"Okay, I may have embellished a little," he capitulates.

"A _little_?" she laughs. At his answering frown she backs off, offering, "But it _was_ funny. It made me laugh. And you do great accents," she soothes him. "Pink Sweater Girl doesn't know what she missed out on."

Though she's obviously placating him it feels good all the same to be petted and mollified and admired by her, and Barney smiles. "Do you still remember the weekend after that, when I got you to go sneak around with me again to see if Ted's date with said Pink Sweater Girl was legit?"

Now it's Robin's turn to smile. "I remember. That night _you_ were the one who stole _me_ from a date…."

* * *

><p>July 2011<p>

* * *

><p>Opening the door and walking into MacLaren's, Robin straightaway spots Barney standing alone at the bar. She planned to stop in for a quick drink and was hoping to find him here so she could tease about what's going on across town.<p>

Cheerfully, she plunks down on a stool beside where he's leaning against the bar and orders a beer from Carl. Within thirty seconds her favorite label is handed to her and she takes a long drink. "So," she smiles to Barney, "I wonder how Ted is doing with your Pink Sweater Girl right now….."

He easily catches her playfully taunting tone, but what he doesn't understand is why she's here sitting down with him, ready to chat and tease him, when he's absolutely certain she said she had other plans for the night. "I thought you had a date tonight?" Barney questions. That's why he came in early, trying to score some action.

She makes an unconcerned face. "It's just a blind date the Desperation Day girls from work set up. Although he is supposed to be cute," she adds, figuring the night won't be a total loss. Blind Date Guy's fabled hotness is the only reason she agreed to this. Well, that and it doesn't hurt to keep herself otherwise occupied so she'll be less tempted to do anything stupid with any other guy she keeps regular company with. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

"Ah-ha!" Barney merrily pounces on the first part of her statement. "So you finally admit that's what you were." He knew all that purple sisterhood, we don't need a man business was malarkey.

"Of course that's what we were," she concedes the obvious. "No one's _happy_ to be alone on Valentine's Day."

"Hey, you could've had a date on what was technically Valentine's morning with the most eligible bachelor in New York." He puts his hand to his tie in his trademark photo pose. "But you palmed me off on someone else."

Nora, she thinks somberly. To this day Robin still does her best to avoid her at work. She honestly had wanted Barney to try with her. They'd been together in one way or another for over six months so Robin knows there's more to him than _The Playbook_ and man-whoring around. She wants him to want more than that for himself. "Yeah, well, you liked her…."

Barney dismisses that, pointing out, "I thought I was meeting _you_." He pauses, taking a sip from his scotch before admitting, "I would have much rather it _had_ been you."

Robin looks up at him studyingly. "You really mean that?" Because though she sincerely did want him to try, at the same time it hurt much more than she cares to admit seeing him actually having real feelings for someone else. That's how Scooby the dog man happened after all. So when Barney copped-out and dumped Nora, Robin felt only relief rather than disappointment in him.

"Sure," Barney replies. He _had_ wanted it to be Robin who he'd spend the early hours of what was supposed to be the most romantic day of the year with, and he'd been genuinely disappointed that Nora showed up in her place – even if she had been cool in some of the ways that attracted him to Robin in the beginning. But, although he liked her, Nora was far too innocent for a guy like him….And sometimes he thought that sharing those similarities with Robin wasn't necessarily a good thing. It had a way of highlighting he was with the imitation, not the real thing. Robin doesn't need to know any of that though. "You're a better shot than she was." It's a cop-out yet again, but what's the alternative?

"Hm," is all Robin can manage. That wasn't exactly the answer she was hoping for.

It gets quiet for a moment until Barney is the first to eventually break the silence. "Too bad you've got a date," he remarks. "We could have gone spying on Ted to see if he's _really_ hitting it off with the girl he stole from me or if he's just gonna lie about it tomorrow to get under my skin."

Robin's face lights up in anticipation. "Yes! We should totally do that!"

"What about your date?" Barney asks, pleasantly taken aback. He was just musing on the missed opportunity. He hadn't actually expected her to agree to come with him.

"I'll just text him and let him know I'll be late," she shrugs. "It's no big deal."

Two minutes later they're all but racing each other to the door and it's difficult to say which one of them is more excited.

Once again they know exactly where to go as Ted outlined his date in fastidious detail, being careful to rub it all in on purpose – to which Barney replied he'd only wanted to bang the girl and then dump her, not make a connection for life. But this time spying on Ted is not a quick in and out, never getting beyond the entryway. Unlike with Lisa the professor, Barney hasn't actually slept with this woman, which means Ted might have a real shot with her and they'll have to stick around to see if the two of them actually make a match.

Hanging out through all of Ted's date necessitates Barney and Robin sit down and have dinner together too. They choose a dark, secluded corner table where they can watch Ted and he can't see them, but it has the dual effect of such extreme privacy it makes them feel like they're off in their own little world. After a while even the waiter's interruptions seem unwelcome.

As the evening progresses, it turns out Ted _does_ hit it off with Pink Sweater Girl, whose name they should both know by now – Ted's said it enough – but neither was paying attention. The two of them talk and laugh throughout dinner almost as much as Robin and Barney do, and as they get up to leave together she even kisses Ted.

The question is pretty much answered at this point: Yes, this is a very real date and, yes, Ted could likely score with the girl he 'stole'. Ted 1, Barney nothing. End of story.

Except the two of them don't leave the restaurant even after there's no longer any reason to stay. Robin is in no hurry to go met a stranger who will surely be a disappointment in comparison to right now. She's already enjoying herself: the table is great, the food and drinks are excellent, and the company can't be beat. Barney, for his part, keeps stretching out the evening too, stalling her by suggesting another drink. Then dessert. Then one more drink again, until it becomes three more.

To his surprise, Robin keeps agreeing, repeatedly texting her date that she's hung up at work and will be twenty minutes late, which turns into forty-five minutes and then another hour. Barney doesn't question it though. He doesn't want to, just as long as she stays there with him for whatever reason – the guy is probably a dud, he rationalizes, and she figured it out from his texts.

Neither one will acknowledge that they're actually on a date _together_ right now and everyone in the restaurant is certain they're already lovers. The evidence is overwhelming: they've lingered three hours over dinner, there's an easy intimacy between them, they're obviously relishing each other's company, and they've chosen the most isolated table in the room where the clientele who are having illicit affairs or who want to engage in some hanky-panky right at the table always sit.

The two of them are completely engrossed in each other, Robin laughing over a crazy work story Barney's telling her, when the sound of an incoming text on her phone interrupts them.

Barney clears his throat and looks away while she reads it. Once she starts to put her phone down, back into her purse this time, he takes the hint that she's leaving. "I suppose you've got to get off to your date," he says, motioning for the waiter to bring the check.

"He bailed," she answers simply. "Didn't like waiting."

"I'm sorry." He isn't.

Robin shrugs it off. "He seemed like kind of a jerk anyway. And it's not like he saw me first," she reasons. "Then he _never_ would have bailed."

Barney smirks at her narcissism, but she's right all the same. No guy would ever see Robin Scherbatsky waiting for him and not come running. "Never," he openly agrees.

They share a smile that almost makes Robin forget why she has to be careful around him. But only _almost_; Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City is never too far from her mind. "What about you? Don't you have to be off to find tonight's lay?"

"Nah. I don't feel like it tonight."

Robin's eyes widen in shock. "Excuse me? _Barney Stinson_ doesn't feel like sex?"

"Oh I _always_ feel like sex," he corrects, pining her with a wicked look that lets her know he's feeling like it now. But he drops the seductive charm a moment later, divulging, "I just don't feel like dealing with the morning after...Unless…._you're_ offering?" And the look is back, magnified now.

Robin does her best not to show the effect that look has on her. "You wish."

"Please," Barney smiles, holding her gaze unrelenting, and the chemistry between them is palpable. "Don't act like I didn't rock your world."

She could deny it, but they'd both know she was lying so she doesn't even try. "Don't act like I didn't rock yours."

"I _know_ you did," he fully owns it, his voice deep and rich and lust-filled, barely more than a growl. "That's why I'm asking."

He's looking right into her with such intensity, and he's so close and smells so good – looks even better. Of course she wants him; she's been wanting him all evening. Right now she's practically squirming with the effort of not giving in to it. She hasn't had sex in too long. A night with Barney would be electric, just the thing to hit the spot; after all, he always knew just how to hit _her_ spot.

But it's Barney. The age-old argument. It's Barney Stinson, Player King, and how can she voluntarily let herself get involved with that, again?

More importantly, it's _Barney_, her Barney, and try as she might she recognizes that she also wants to go home with for reasons that have nothing to do with sex. Which is why she never can. Because her Barney comes along with Player King Barney who is never completely exorcised; she learned that the hard way.

"Tempting," she allows herself to admit because she feels like if she didn't he could easily read at least _that_ lie on her. "But let's just say we couldn't handle the morning after."

Barney grins and just like that this thing that has been holding them, this tangible electricity and yearning, abates like cutting a string and watching the balloon fly away. He's adopted a light, amused air in its wake, like it was all just a joke. "Well then, I guess it's back home alone. Just me and my award-winning porn collection," he tells her, all exaggerated sleaze. "Unless you wanna – "

"No, Barney," Robin interrupts. "I am not going home with you to watch porn for some kind of mutual masturbation thing."

His eyebrows shoot up and his amused expression is genuine now. "Not what I was gonna say, but let's do your thing."

Robin's cheeks color just enough to be noticed by the discerning eye – which Barney's is – as she realizes she's put her foot it in again and perhaps revealed a little too much about where her mind had gone. "Forget it," she tells him, suddenly fascinated with the tablecloth.

To her salvation, their waiter arrives then providing a buffer and a distraction for Barney's mind as he fills in the tip and signs the credit card slip. When he's handed it the waiter and the man leaves, he turns his attention back to Robin. "I was going to say that it's barely after eleven. We could go hit up that laser tag place again? You know, the one that's open all night…."

The invitation's out there lingering in the air, and she really doesn't want to leave him yet. Besides, what could happen at laser tag? "Okay. Let's go."

Barney waits for her to get up first and exit in front of him, ushering her out with a hand just barely there at the small of her back.

Once they're in the back of the taxi and it's too late for her to leave, he quips, "And if midway through you decide you want to get a little freaky like you said, I'm up for that too."

Robin rolls her eyes, smiling. "You just keep your hands to yourself."

"That's kinda the point, isn't it? We both keep our hands to ourselves but I get to watch all the fun places _your_ hands go."

"The only thing you're going to be watching is your vest light up red as I kick your ass."

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>"We had some fun times back then," Robin sighs.<p>

"Yeah we did."

"But you didn't exactly keep your hands to yourself," she impishly excuses.

"Laser tag is a very physical sport, Robin," Barney reasons rationally. "And with the enemy all around you've got to use non-verbal cues, which means sometimes touching your partner's arm."

"Or my waist, or hip, or thigh?" she deadpans. "And that's not even getting into all the places you pressed up against when you tackled me in that tunnel."

"To save you from the crossfire," he insists.

"Barney, our only competition was a couple of baked teenagers – and I'm pretty sure they'd gone behind the barrels to smoke another joint by then."

He grins shamelessly. "Alright, so it was a move."

"Of course it was," she laughs. "But for the record," she tells him, her tone sleek and soft now, "I wanted to go home with you that night. Badly. There was always this thing between us, practically ever since I've known you, where sometimes I'd just look at you or you'd look at me – like the way you kept doing that night, or even the earlier night when you first told your Player King story – and I'd want you so much it seemed like I'd explode with the feeling if I couldn't have you right then." She lets out a shuttered breath, shivering ever so slightly but her fiancé doesn't miss it. "I didn't know what to do about a guy who made me feel like that." Even after they broke up, it still shook her to her very core, the intensity of it that never faded, her powerlessness against the way she felt about him, both physically and romantically. "Especially when that guy was Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City. But even then it was so hard to resist. When we split a cab that night, I almost invited you up for 'a drink'." She gives him a meaningful look so that if he had any doubt before what that was code for he certainly doesn't now. "But I really _was_ too afraid of the morning after….Even so, Ted never came home that night – things must've gone well with Pink Sweater Girl – and by 2:30 I was lonely and turned on, with the place all to myself. And I'd just polished off a bottle of red wine." She smirks up at him naughtily as she admits, "I nearly sexted you, asking you to come over."

"_Really_?" Barney is legitimately surprised to hear that. If he'd had any idea she'd wanted him that much and was actually entertaining the idea, there is no way he would have let her go home alone that night.

"Really," Robin confirms, able to laugh about it now despite how conflicted and torn up she'd been about it at the time. "I was this close to hitting send, until the rational, less drunk part of me took control and hit delete instead."

Barney shakes his head in loss of what could have been. "I would've been over there so fast it would've broken every speed record. I _love_ your sexts," he growls. "You have a way with talking dirty like no one I've ever known – well, except me. I still re-read the ones you sent me last month when you were stuck at WWN all night working on that story." He looks at her quite seriously as he proposes, "You have to promise me if you're ever sent away on assignment again you'll sext me every day – ooh and Skype sex at night."

"We've never done that, have we?" Robin giggles softly at his enthusiasm. "We'll have to change that," she promises flirtatiously. "But we don't have to wait till I'm on assignment. We could just go in separate rooms. We do have a two bedroom apartment."

"That wouldn't work," he tells her straightaway. "I'd never be able to stop myself from going across the hall the minute you started getting naked." Robin nods at the truth of that. "But I still want us to do it someday. Skype sex is something I've always wanted to try."

"Wait. _Try_? As in, for the first time?" she asks in mischievous though genuine shock. "You mean there's actually something the Player King hasn't done?"

"You'd be my first," he confirms. She gives him a look that reads like she's not entirely sure she believes him. "Seriously," he swears. There's a slight pause where he debates if this still needs to be said, but she's mentioned the title so many times he's going to put it out there anyway just in case it does need to be heard again. "And as for the Player King business, you know that now I've gladly hung up my crown," Barney earnestly reminds her. "I'm exchanging it for a ring." He waggles his as-of-today-only still bare left ring finger. "It suits me better."

Robin smiles lovingly over at him. "I like to think so…."

Bending down towards the tub, Barney leans in to kiss her but Robin is the one who instantly deepens it, slipping her tongue into his mouth to play with his. A few more moments into the kissing his fingers that had once been on her knee go creeping up her thigh. A small gasp and then sigh escape her as they hit their target, her reaction unintentionally breaking their kiss. "Your hand is getting a little friendly there beneath the water," she smiles in enjoyment as he continues to touch her.

"And why not?" he counters, his tone tender but sex-heavy. "By this time tomorrow you'll be my wife."

The statement hits Robin profoundly because she's just realizing he's right. It seems silly since that's the entire reason they're here, but in the moment she's gotten caught up in details – finding a new minister, her mom not coming, and where is her dad, and all the stuff with Barney's parents, and wanting to make their rehearsal dinner perfect – until the reality of what they're doing became somewhat removed, the fact that they're actually getting married – _legally married_ – in less than twenty-four hours. It's just hit her how very real and true his statement is: by this time tomorrow she'll be his wife. There's a tinge of nervous anxiety around the edges of that realization, but sitting here in the hot soapy water with Barney's fingers working their magic, right now anyway, the predominant feeling is one of warm contentment. "I will, won't I?" she expresses in awe.

"By this time tomorrow," he repeats and they share a tender smile, a moment just for them, an acknowledgement of how far they've come, how far they'll still go together, and how much they'll love each other all the while.

Robin's smile turns teasing and her eyes dance up at Barney. "Well alright then. Since you're practically my husband…." With that she stands up in the tub, water running down her naked, glistening body. It's an enticing sight that leaves his mouth watering, and he eyes her appreciatively as she gives him a little smirk and brazenly steps out of the bath. He's treated to her enjoyable rear view just long enough for him to stand and start to reach for her but then she wraps a towel around herself, ending the show. "You can take your shower now," she tells him pertly over her shoulder as she leaves the room.

Shaking himself out of his stupor, Barney lets out her bath water and starts to undress. Within a minute he's down to just his pants and he sheds them too. Folding them and setting them across the sink, he drops his grey boxer briefs – custom purchased to match his suit – and turns back around toward the still-open door. Robin is now in her underwear. Right next to the big, soft bed. And he's already completely nude….

He moves into the doorway, contemplating his chances.

Robin doesn't turn. She doesn't even pause in what she's doing. She just keeps spritzing her body with perfume but she feels his eyes on her and knows what he has in mind. "We have to be ready in forty minutes," she reminds him, setting down the bottle and turning to face him now. "And you'll need to be a whole lot more dressed than that…..Though it _is_ an incredible look on you," she purrs, her eyes leisurely trailing his naked body with blatant interest.

"Oh that's not fair," he murmurs huskily.

Robin only smiles and keeps ogling, watching his body react to her admiring perusal. When her eyes make it up to his again she sees that they're dark and wanting, and something scintillating passes between them across the short distance. Back in the day, this is the part where he'd say "Rehearsal dinner? Or….or…" and tackle her to the bed. But he's matured now, and there's more to life than just sex – and he plans for them to enjoy every position and depraved act imaginable come their honeymoon. Plus he has a positively legendary surprise waiting for her that there is no way he'd let them miss for anything, even sex.

"But you're right." His expression goes all rascally, cheeky Barney. "Laser tag waits for no one."

"Will you stop joking around about that?" Robin playfully throws her towel at him, which he easily dodges. "I'm gonna start thinking you're serious."

Grinning, Barney shuts the bathroom door, knowing the surprise laser tag talk has only just begun. In the next hour and a half she's going to want to kill him – before he gives her the rehearsal dinner of her dreams, that is.


	60. 912

**Rehearsal Dinner**

* * *

><p>After Barney's showered and they've both finished getting ready, he and Robin head into the elevator on their way down to the Farhampton Inn's dining room, which they've privately reserved for the night.<p>

But _he_ knows they won't be staying there for long.

The idea for a laser tag rehearsal dinner – which he still thinks is awesome – first came to Barney in early March but Robin quickly shot it down, reminding him that planning a wedding is all about compromise, and certainly the same can be said for marriage as well. As the kicker, she brought up that night in the week between Christmas and New Year's when their engagement was still so new and Marshall asked them where the wedding would be. Barney was going to say some place in the city, but Robin beat him to it, confiding that she was thinking about her hometown in Canada – which of course was laughable to them all. They literally made fun of her for it all night long with one overblown Canada joke after another. He'd been the one to cap it all off by telling her that getting married in New York would be much easier and more convenient but he wanted her to have the wedding _she_ wanted, even if that meant in Canada.

Naturally that had been another joke too. Because, come on, getting married in Canada wasn't very practical, nor at the time did he consider it at all him. But she'd looked at him with such love and admiration when he said it that it kind of felt like a cheap shot even knowing he was right about having the wedding in New York.

Bringing up that night to him again was an affective remainder, because Robin _had_ compromised about the wedding and Barney knew he should too. As awesome as a laser tag rehearsal dinner would have been – and, all things considered, he felt it was very them too – he could understand why she wouldn't necessarily want that. So, despite a few more playful mentions of it throughout the evening, he truly did let it go, allowing Robin to plan the nice, tasteful rehearsal dinner she had in mind.

And that honestly was the end of it. Until Robin threw him his completely legendary bro mitzvah.

When he was writing and putting "The Robin" into motion Barney had intended for it to be a one-time thing, a combination of the very last play he'd ever run and his elaborate proposal to Robin. But when she returned the gesture with "The Barney" it sparked the inspiration of making this an on-going thing between them.

When they first got back together and engaged, knowing it would be forever, there had been a slight period of adjustment for them both, leaving behind the way of life they'd always known. For Robin, it was with their engagement ring and the fact that now she was no longer the center of guys' attention and how that changed her everyday world. For him, it was no longer being the guy who was out there pulling off crazy schemes. But they both acclimated to their new forever-off-the-market identities, Robin realizing that Barney's attention was all she needed and Barney realizing that he didn't need to be always there, the crazy one, life-of-the-party and rampant womanizer to still be relevant.

But even so, there was a part of him that missed plotting crazy schemes. After all, that's what he'd been about for over a decade and he loved doing it. Then when Robin decided to return the favor and run "The Barney" on _him_, it brought on the epiphany that he didn't have to miss it because he didn't really have to give it up at all. He _and _Robin could keep creating and executing intricate ruses on one another with no end in sight.

That realization turned out to be the perfect thing, both to replace the nostalgia for his schemes and to keep a little bit of crazy in their life. Rather than running elaborate plays on unsuspecting bimbos the two of them can orchestrate extravagant surprises for each other instead all throughout their marriage. It still allows that same extreme creativity, invention, and challenge of it, as well as the pride of knowing you've successfully pulled it off – which was always the true fun of running plays anyway.

Plus this way there's the added bonus of getting to talk about it _together_ afterwards – how he'd come up with it, how he'd put it into place without her ever finding out, the sheer brilliance of all the interworkings, and so forth – knowing she'll appreciate it like no other, and vice versa. Actually this arrangement is better than running plays because instead of random meaningless sex as the reward at the end, his prize comes in the form of giving his wife a great surprise that will make her tremendously happy. Having that emotional incentive is a far greater payoff – and at the end there's definitely always amazing sex too, as both "The Robin" and "The Barney" thoroughly attested.

Yes, he absolutely loved the idea of their marriage consisting of this type of back-and-forth fun with each other. And with the tradition thus established, since Robin had just thrown him his surprise bro mitzvah that meant it was now his turn.

Barney began immediately and repeatedly half bragging, half promising he was going to get her back with a surprise of his own. However he knew he was going to have to think of something _incredible_ to top her surprise. He racked his brain for two days straight trying to come up with it. He knew he wanted it to be something extremely personal, like she'd done for him, and since she'd given him the best bachelor party of all time he knew he wanted his next big surprise for her to be wedding related too.

Of course he knew better than to mess with the wedding itself – Robin _is_ getting the church wedding of her dreams, come hell or high water – so the rehearsal dinner was the next logical choice. Because for all that she understandably pooh-poohed his laser tag idea what she had planned instead in many ways didn't feel like her. It felt more like Lily, or like something Robin thought she was _expected_ to have. While bacon-wrapped figs and champagne are delicious, it all seemed rather stuffy and the sort of thing they'd go to together and be bored out of their minds, devising some silly way to pass the time and actually have a little fun. So when it came down to it, if the surprise was right, Barney didn't think Robin would mind him changing up their rehearsal dinner plans without her knowledge.

In devising the 'right' surprise, he'd started thinking back on when he first proposed a laser tag theme and all that Robin had said about compromise based off of that earlier night when they teased her mercilessly about Canada – something they were always doing, and him the biggest culprit. The thing he kept returning to is that Robin actually had a point; Canada _was_ her original home and her heritage, and he could see that she genuinely wanted a part of that present in their wedding celebration. That's how it came to him to make their rehearsal dinner Canadian themed. It would be his way of not only making it up to her that she compromised on their wedding location but also for the long history of Canada mockery and the thousands of jokes at her expense. He'd started feverishly putting it all together after that and, truth be known, the more he learned about Canada – it's history and people – the more he discovered it was actually pretty cool and not nearly as lame as he'd made it out to be all these years.

Barney knew Robin was going to love what he had planned, but at least half the fun of it is in the surprise itself, like with his bro mitzvah. He'd never seen it coming and that's what made it so cool. If she had just brought Billy Zabka to their apartment it would have still been an awesome surprise but not nearly as legendary as the big reveal she'd set up. Now he wanted to do the same for her. Their Canadian rehearsal dinner had to be just as much a complete and utter shock to Robin, one she'd never see coming in a million years.

With that in mind, first things first, he had to throw her off the track. He was going in at a disadvantage since Robin was already expecting something thanks to his promises to get her back, which meant the only thing to do was to orchestrate a _fake_ surprise first. It had to have a believable gift for her at the heart of it like the bro mitzvah was her gift to him, but it also had to be outrageous enough a prank for her to believe that was his entire plan and therefore expect nothing further. In fact, he wanted it to be so extreme that afterwards she'd forbid him from carrying out any more surprises. Then, once she thought their tradition of surprising each other had met an early and definite end, she'd be even less likely to suspect another one – the _true_ surprise – coming.

But Robin's so accustomed to over-the-top things from him that in order to get her upset enough to actually ban their surprises whatever he did was going to have to be pretty harsh. Eventually he landed upon the idea of making her believe he's rethought their entire relationship and can't go through with the wedding. That had always been her biggest fear about the two of them – that he'd change his mind, run out on her, wouldn't commit, wouldn't see their relationship through, and he'd end up leaving her and breaking her heart – so it would certainly push all the right buttons towards making her angry enough to outlaw any more of his surprises. And yet, though it would absolutely accomplish his goals, he wondered if it would be almost too hurtful. However, she put him through the same thing, telling him during his bachelor party that their wedding was off, and in the end he hadn't been mad at all. He'd only been relieved to find out it was pretend. Even though he'd suffered in the moment, it was in the service of the awesomest surprise of his life so how _could_ he be mad? And since that prank was all _her_ idea, Barney was certain Robin would feel the same way too once it all came out.

On the other hand, there was a marked difference between their two cases in that he found out why she'd fake called off their wedding right away, the very night of his surprise. In his plan for Robin, the discovery of why he'd actually tricked her in such an extreme way didn't come until almost two weeks later, during their wedding weekend. Consequently, in the beginning of his hoax he wouldn't have the awesome Canadian showing of love to abate her anger – which meant if he didn't want her so upset that _she'd_ be tempted to call things off then his decoy surprise for her had better be pretty epic too. Epic enough that she'd forgive him and get past it right away even without the benefit of knowing the rest.

But coming up with a suitable decoy surprise proved far more difficult than brainstorming the Canadian themed rehearsal dinner. After all, what could he possibly surprise her with that would be meaningful and worthy enough to earn her forgiveness in the moment, and yet not as impressive and grand as the ultimate surprise waiting at the end? What he was actually doing was running two pranks on her at once, and locking down that first surprise had been challenging.

He ultimately arrived at the puppies because of the conversation they'd had two months ago when they were babysitting Marvin. It was at that time, while holding someone else's child, that she'd finally opened up to him about the painful way she discovered she couldn't have a baby and how she'd then imagined what their children would have been like, simultaneously mourning the fact they'd never get to exist. That initial bonding and falling in love with Marvin had been a bittersweet experience for Robin, but Barney had reassured her that her diagnosis wasn't holding _him_ back from anything and by the end of their discussion they both were convinced that childfree was the best route for them anyway. But when he'd mentioned that if they ever decided they wanted to add to their family they could always get a dog, Robin's eyes had lit up with excitement and hope that he might actually consider allowing one in the apartment. Remembering that, as well as how much she'd loved the five dogs she once owned but had to give up, Barney knew exactly what his meaningful surprise was going to be.

But even satisfied that she would thoroughly love his decoy surprise too and it would offer at least something of a balm in the moment, it was still a nerve-wracking evening.

Riding down the elevator next to Robin now – maintaining the air of casual innocence his plan calls for, naturally – Barney can still vividly recall how it felt watching her reaction to the harsh things he first had to say to her to completely throw her off the track of the surprise that was later coming…..

* * *

><p><strong>11 Days Ago<strong>

* * *

><p>She's still at WWN, hard at work on her special report on the IRS Tea Party scandal, when Robin hears the ping of an incoming text. Wondering if there's another wedding snafu she'll have to see to, she picks up her phone from the desk to see who it's from. It turns out to be Barney, which initially has her smiling, until she reads the actual message: <em>Meet me right away back at the apartment<em>. Though it's probably nothing – just a new suit he's found with an even higher thread count – she can't help thinking it sounds potentially serious, certainly cryptic enough to pique her curiosity, so she hurries to finish up and heads straight home.

When she gets there the apartment is dark and quiet but she sees their bedroom door is open so she heads that way. Sure enough, she finds him standing next to the bed with her red suitcase inexplicably out on top of it.

Barney had already received the warning call he'd requested from their door man so he's had a few minutes to prepare and put on the emotional mask necessary. "Robin," he begins gravely, telling himself all the while that this surprise will be so worth it, "there's no good way to say this…."

That has her immediately on edge and instantly deeply concerned. Has something happened to her mom? Her sister? Do they need to fly out in a hurry and that's why her suitcase is there? She feels her heart catch in terror.

"I made a huge mistake," she hears him say next, his voice catching with emotion and tears of regret, the torment clear in his eyes. "I can't go through with the wedding."

She blinks forcefully, her head literally jolting. That's the last thing she expected, and though it's an awful joke she thinks surely he must be kidding. That can be the only explanation….Right? "What?" Robin asks cautiously.

Barney can see that he's hurt her already – it's clear in her voice and expression – and his gut instinct is to abort this and comfort her, tell her it's all just a big lie. But this is in service of the amazing surprise she'll love, and she didn't wimp out and ruin the surprise of his bro mitzvah. So he keeps going, even though it requires giving his greatest performance ever.

"I'm so sorry," he pleads, on the edge of breaking down completely, and as much as she wants it to be this doesn't sound like a joke to Robin. If he really was to leave her, she knows that he would still care about her and it would be an anguished decision….In fact, this is exactly how he'd react if it were real. Terror floods her heart even stronger now, along with a sudden, gripping nausea.

"I – I just – I had to tell you before it was too late."

He's telling the truth. The realization hits home like a knife to Robin's heart. _Oh god, he's really telling the truth_. He loves her, but not enough. He doesn't want to marry her, doesn't want to make a life with her, doesn't want to be with her forever. She's lost him. Lost their love and happy life. She's ending up alone, just like she always feared. But this is worse. This is far worse than if they'd never gotten back together. Now she's experienced what it could have been, the life they could have had, and it's torture having it ripped away from her.

She's just standing there blinking back tears. She doesn't know how to react. It feels like she's been punched, feels like she's going to throw up. Her entire world has been pulled out from underneath her. "Oh my god, you're serious," she says breathlessly, feeling like all the air has gone out of her lungs.

"Yeah," he confirms, and it's even worse hearing that verification from him.

She's on the edge of a nervous breakdown. All she can do is look down, look away, and try not to completely fall apart. She feels like once she does there will be no putting herself back together ever again.

Robin looks destroyed and it's killing Barney. He has to keep reminding himself she did the same thing to him and he thought it was worth it. She did the same thing to him and in the end he _loved_ it.

"And since this is my apartment, I think that you should move out," he continues, tears clogging his voice. It's actually not even hard for him to provide real tears. For one, he's an amazing actor, as his plays over the years have borne witness. But in this case he can draw on the very real pain it's causing him to hurt her this way.

Robin stares at him, dumbstruck, tears filling her eyes. That's a low blow, even in a situation like this. He's walking out on her, calling off their wedding, dumping her unceremoniously because he must have never loved her as much as she loved him. And on top of all that now he's kicking her out too? She gets to be a jilted bride and homeless?

She can't believe this is happening. Cannot believe it. This is completely out of left field. Everything had seemed fine between them. In another hour and a half they were supposed to meet with Liddy to sign off on one of the last remaining wedding details, and just this morning before they both left for work Barney had instigated sex – _great_ sex – even told her he loved her, after not before. What, was that just one more for the road? Getting in one last bang while he still could? "Fine," she finally manages to get out, raising her hands, at a complete loss as to how things fell apart so quickly.

The one thing she knows is that she _has_ to get out of here. He wants her out. He's made that clear. She is _not_ going to fall apart in front of him and let him see how much he's devastated her, how much she loved and idolized him, set her whole world by him, apparently foolishly.

Gasping in an effort to contain a sob, she hurries toward her suitcase to pack as quickly as possible when suddenly Barney flings back the lid, grinning and exclaiming merrily, "Puppies!"

He's hoping that in making the reveal as bright and over-the-top as possible it will let her know instantly, in no uncertain terms, that it's all just a gag, and he too breathes an inward sigh of relief that unquestionably the worst part is over.

Robin jumps back, reeling, with no clue what's happening. She looks down into the suitcase he's opened and, rather than empty and ready to be packed, it is indeed full of four darling little golden retriever puppies. But what does this even mean? She looks to Barney in confusion, her mind a whirlwind, but he just keeps grinning hysterically, now throwing a handful of confetti out from his pocket.

He knows he has to seem oblivious to what was wrong about this, otherwise the whole scenario doesn't work. If he understood how horrible it was he'd never actually do it for real; she knows that of him at least. Therefore he has to seem clueless, ignorant, immature and even a tad emotionally shallow at the moment in order to pull this off. Later, when he tells the gang about it, he'll have to adopt that same attitude, like it was no big deal and he can't understand why it bothered her.

"What?" Robin questions, still standing there in shock, her emotions having just bounced from one extreme to the next – first sorrow, devastation, and anguish; then confusion; and now immense relief that he seems not to be breaking up with her after all. "Barney? What….what is this?"

"Puppies," he repeats simply. "I'm surprising you with puppies."

Her tone a mixture of appalled and relieved, she asks, "So this was all just a trick?"

"It's a _surprise_," he stresses. "Like my bro mitzvah. Told ya I'd get you back."

He grins at her excitedly and now it all make senses, but still, this is not okay behavior. "Barney. Oh my god. That was _horrible_," she tells him with lingering dismay still in her voice. "I thought you were leaving me."

"Yeah but – _puppies_," he emphasizes again, as if that makes all the difference in the world. Climbing all way onto the bed and over to her suitcase, he bends down and picks up the one who already stood out as his favorite in the twenty minutes he spent with them before Robin arrived. "Aren't they cute?"

She's too busy trying to corral the other three puppies and keep them contained in her suitcase to really notice. And she thinks it might be days before her heart returns to its normal rhythm. "No more surprises," she firmly mandates.

Barney can hear the anger in her voice and he attempts to defuse that with some cuteness of his own. "But you love surprises," he reminds her in a puppy voice, holding the animal out for her to see. "Almost as much as I love licking myself. That was me talking, not the puppy," he adds in his normal tone, hoping this will help smooth things out. His jokes get her every time. She loves this side of him and he's hoping to use that charm to get back in her good graces after what he's just done.

Being sure to hold his gaze with her old unyielding eyes so that he knows she's serious, Robin repeats, "Barney, the surprises are out of hand and they have to stop." He needs to know this is not acceptable behavior…..Still, now that she's calmed down a bit she can appreciate that the puppies are awfully, and _he's_ being cute too, and he did go to this trouble for her even if it was completely psychopathic, so her tone softens as she asks him, "Deal?"

Inwardly, Barney is self-fiving because this is exactly how he wanted this to go down: fool her into thinking the hidden puppies were payback for his bro mitzvah and in the process make her angry enough to forbid any further surprises so she'll never see her actual surprise coming. Her reaction couldn't have been more perfect to fit his purposes. However, he knows in order to keep it realistic he has to argue against this since that's exactly what she'll be expecting, and he plays that role dutifully. "But…."

"Deal?" she cuts in, not about to entertain any of his arguments or stalling after what he's just pulled.

"But…."

Robin's eyes widen into her you-better-listen-_now_, I'm-one-step-away-from-pulling-out-my-gun face. "_Deal_?" she repeats just on the edge of threatening.

"Butt…" he says mischievously, giggling as he shows her the dog's behind.

"_Barney_," she chastises with a sigh, but it's no longer in her killer voice, more of her long-suffering-but-I-love-you-anyway voice she sometimes uses when he gets out of hand.

"Fine," he agrees, satisfied that everything is okay now. She's forgiven him, his epic surprise is on track, and all is right with the world. To cement her forgiveness all the more – and because it's a joke he simply can't pass up – Barney nudges the puppy's hind legs back, exposing his genitalia. "Deal," he smirks.

This time Robin laughs too, genuinely amused, her eyes twinkling up into his, and Barney knows he's truly got her. They're okay again.

Still smiling, she looks back down at the dogs climbing over each other in her suitcase. "Where did you get these puppies anyway? Whose are they?"

"They're ours. Well, one of them. _That's_ what the surprise is," he explains grandly.

Robin is still playing catch-up. She thought he just meant to fake her out and then surprise her by having something cute inside her suitcase, but it sounds like Barney just said one of these animals is literally her gift, which is a little hard to believe. "A puppy?…..To _keep_?" she asks incredulously.

"Sure. Why not? Everyone knows you're a dog person, and so am I. I always wanted a pet growing up; now's my chance. _Our_ chance," he improves. "It's a win-win for us both. And golden retrievers are supposed to be incredibly smart, loyal, friendly, and obviously handsome – just like yours truly," he grins, holding up the puppy so its face is next to his. "It seemed like a perfect fit for us."

"Barney…." Robin starts out cautiously, looking at the puppies at then back up at him. She's happy about this but unsure if he knows what he's truly getting into. "Really?"

"Absolutely," he answers definitively, silencing her qualms. "Take your pick." He holds the puppy in his hands out for her closer inspection. "Though I think this little guy's a keeper."

She can see that Barney's taken quite a liking to him and it seems to go both ways, plus he's absolutely right: the little puppy is _adorable_. "He's perfect. But….are you _sure_ about this?" she underscores, wanting to ensure he's thought this through from all angles and it's not just a snap decision he'll later regret; she's not giving up any more animals. "Puppies can be a lot of work, Barney. Actually, they're not that much different than kids." Robin's voice trails off on the last word as she suddenly realizes. After their talk about Marvin, and the two beautiful children they'll never get to have, and how even though she knows that's the best thing it sometimes still makes her sad, by giving her this puppy what Barney's really doing is making them a family, their very favorite type of family. _The only kind of parents we ever want to be are puppy parents_, they'd both agreed. That's what this is, what he's giving her, and it touches her heart, making her eyes tear up.

Not missing her reaction, Barney smiles lovingly at her. But neither one mentions her infertility or the unshed tears in her eyes. His offering and her thanks and that little bit of extra healing, it's all there, communicated without a sound. Their eyes and their smiles say it all without requiring a single word.

"You know, he'll probably chew up a tie or two," Robin warns, her voice thick with emotion.

"Don't listen to your mama," Barney coos to the puppy. "Daddy knows you're a good boy." He grins up at Robin now. "That's got to be the least perverted way I've ever used that word."

She smiles at the joke, and at the way he's warmed to the cute little guy, and at the very idea of being dog parents together. Still, she needs to make sure that _he's_ sure. "But, Barney, I'm not kidding. He's just a baby and still learning. While he's young like this he's likely to do some damage around here – a tie, a shirt, maybe even a whole suit. He might pee on your shoes," she gravely points out.

"So what?" he shrugs. "I'll buy new ones."

The easy way he said that, without the need for any deliberation or even a trace of regret – and she can tell he really means it too – that's how she knows he's already unwaveringly decided. "You're really serious about this, aren't you?"

"_Yes_," he assures her with a patient smile. "Now, here, hold our new puppy."

Barney places the puppy in her arms and he snuggles up to her, warm and soft pure adorableness, his damp little nose burrowing against her neck, and Robin instantly loves him. Though it's been years, she hadn't realized just how much she missed her other dogs until this moment, and she presses a kiss to the back of his velvety golden head.

Dragging her attention away from their new little guy, she glances back up at Barney. "You're still not off the hook. Even though this is really sweet, how you went about it was pretty awful. That's why it has to stop. No more surprises," she reiterates again, but it's tempered with giggling as their puppy starts licking her chin.

Barney can't help but smile, both because this couldn't have gone more perfectly and because her attempt at sternness failed miserably. But he also can't avoid pointing out the obvious. "You really believed me." He could see it on her face that she was utterly devastated, and now that he stops and thinks about it, it's a little sad that she so thoroughly bought into it without question.

"What was I supposed to think? You were really convincing. You _cried_, Barney," Robin offers in her defense. "Yes, I believed it," she acknowledges candidly. "I believed you wanted to call it all off."

"Our wedding? Our whole life together?" he gently questions. He's not upset with her. He can expertly manipulate people; he knows he _was_ convincing and hers was a fair reaction. But when he thought she'd fake called off their wedding there was a reason, but here she was thinking he'd just called it off out of the blue with no provocation at all.

"At your bro mitzvah _you_ believed I thought you cheated," she counters, figuring that shows an equal tendency to give over to fear.

"Well isn't that what you were always afraid of?" he rejoins. "And my ex, who also happened to be a stripper, was there. That's two strikes right at the start. It made sense you'd think that."

Robin must admit that's true. Had the events of his bro mitzvah actually happened she probably would have at least feared the worst, even though it was all circumstantial and he really hadn't done anything wrong. "It wouldn't have been fair though….." Pondering that, she begins to wonder if she'd been unfair to him just now, a little too ready to believe he'd want to back out of this with her.

Barney easily reads her mind. He knows what she's thinking and he didn't mean to bring her down this way, either making her feel guilty about her own reaction or questioning how quick _he'd_ been to believe she was ready to give up on him three days ago at his bro mitzvah. "Alright, let's get this out there once and for all: I would never cheat on you, and I hope that you wouldn't think that. But considering my past and our history, I know that's a sensitive area."

"Yes, but I'll try not to ever just jump to that conclusion. You've changed, Barney. Of course you deserve the benefit of the doubt."

He nods in acceptance of that. "I would also never, ever call off our wedding. I love you and I want to marry you more than I've ever wanted anything. There is nothing in this world that could change my mind about us," he tells her emphatically. "Okay?"

"Okay," Robin agrees, sweetly adding, "And, hey, nothing could ever change my mind either." While they've been talking the other three puppies have crawled out of her suitcase and onto the bed but she doesn't even care as climbs up onto the mattress now too and knee-walks over to get close to him. "I love you, and I want to marry you. I want to marry you even after you pulled something like this, so that means I _really_ want to marry you," she teases. Bringing her hand up to his neck, she pulls Barney down into a kiss, the puppy cradled between their chests.

After extending the first kiss into a second, he softly draws back, reaching up and scratching the little dog's ear. "So what are we gonna call him?"

"I don't know," she smiles. Being able to name him – just the very fact that he's _theirs_ – is still sinking in. "We'll have to think about it since Brover is already taken," she teases him again. "Oh – but what will we do with him while we're gone?" It only just occurred to her that in a week and a half they'll be leaving for an extended overseas trip. "That's a long time for him to be in a kennel, or for us to be away at all from a new puppy who's just adjusting."

Barney shakes his head, patting her arm reassuringly. "I already thought of that," he tells her with a proud smile. "They all go back to the breeder in an hour and he's agreed to keep for us whichever one we picked until after the honeymoon, that way we'll be here the whole time while he's adjusting to his new home."

Robin grins; everything's settled then. "We're really doing this," she realizes, thrilled.

"Yeah," he laughs, happy that she's happy.

But she knows there's no way he's thought of _everything_. There's tons of stuff still to buy, and they'll need to puppy proof the apartment – definitely seal up the Escape from Bitch Mountain; they don't want any tragic accidents. And as a first time puppy papa there are oodles of old-pro knowledge she'll be able to impart. "There's so much I can show you about being a dog owner," she buzzes, and he loves her excitement, the fact that she's so eager to teach him. "We'll need to get a leash and all kinds of other supplies before we bring him home for good." She smiles up at him mischievously. "It'll be a first for you: in a pet store for a reason other than picking up a woman."

"Ha, ha," he smirks.

She runs her free hand over his shoulders before gazing back down at the dog in her arm. "You know," she says contemplatively, the idea coming to her in a flash, "I think I've got a name. I think this perfect little guy looks pretty _legendary_."

Barney turns it over in his mind and then tries it out on the tongue. "Legendary Stinson. It has a nice ring to it," he smiles.

"It does," Robin nods. "Legendary," she repeats and the puppy looks up at her.

Barney grins. "I think he likes it."

"It's official then."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>So as difficult as it was, it all turned out smoothly.<p>

The next time the gang was together at the bar, Barney told the story of his suitcase surprise – how he'd said he made a mistake, convincing Robin he was calling off the wedding. Naturally they were all horrified, but he maintained it was a fantastic surprise and couldn't understand why she'd been so upset.

He also let it be known that he was aghast at the idea of an end to their back-and-forth surprises, which was the entire point of the conversation: to plant the idea with them that he thinks Robin was just bluffing and is actually planning something for _him_.

What Marshall and Lily said at the time, though they didn't realize it, is the very essence of what he loves about him and Robin running surprise-filled pranks on each other. But what was perhaps even more insightful – particularly after their talk out on the beach yesterday – was what Ted had said after he filled him in on the truth…. 

* * *

><p><strong>9 Days Ago<strong>

* * *

><p>"Man, this whole 'no more surprises' thing is so unfair," Barney purposefully and exaggeratedly laments. "Who does that?"<p>

"Barney, the 'no more surprises' thing is the best part of being married," Lily argues.

"It's true," Marshall chimes in, right on cue. "When I wake up in the morning I know what Lily's breath is gonna smell like."

To Barney that sounds awful, just boring and lacking any spontaneity, spark, excitement, or fun. He's so glad that he and Robin won't have a marriage like that.

Marshall continues cataloguing his idea of a great relationship with no clue that Barney's shuddering on the inside. "Do you really want a marriage where you have this paranoia that Robin's hiding around every corner, planning to get you back with some crazy new prank?"

A marriage of planning crazy, elaborate surprises for each other is _exactly_ what Barney wants them to have, what they will have in fact – what they already have. Only it's not paranoia. It's fun. It's exhilarating.

It's an expression of their love for each other.

Marshall and Lily and even Ted will never fully understand it, but that's okay because he knows that Robin does. It's why the bro mitzvah was all her idea and the other's thought it would be too mean. But it's alright that they don't get it. This is their own private language, his and Robin's, and that makes him love it all the more. But none of that needs to be explained to outside parties, not even to their closest friends. It's for the two of them and that's all that matters.

Well, that and planting the idea with the gang that he's not really listening at all but is off in his own outrageous, irrational thoughts, convinced that Robin forbidding any further secrets is all part of a larger plot in which she's planning to give him a surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner.

And, thus, the trap is set. With Lily's blabbermouth he knows this conversation will get back to Robin in an hour or two tops. Then, when it's time for their rehearsal dinner, she'll remember he said this and it will corroborate with his many ridiculous statements of being 'on to her' come Saturday night.

Once Lily and Marshall finish thoroughly castigating him for his insensitivity and cluelessness, they take off upstairs to see to Marvin, and then it's just Barney and Ted.

Things are a bit uncomfortable between them since Ted tried to claim he knows Robin best, causing Barney to speak up and point out that it's their wedding and _he's_ the groom – and that's not even getting into how he caught Ted holding Robin's hand yesterday. He'll have his revenge for that, make no mistake, but for now he needs Ted's cooperation.

Despite the joviality of Barney's bro mitzvah, since that original argument they've only been together in group settings and Ted prefers to keep it that way, maintaining the distance to spar his own feelings. Consequently, within two minutes of Marshall and Lily's departure he slides out of the booth, announcing he too has to head home.

"Ted, hold up a sec," Barney stops him. Even though being seen with Ted in his stupid Liberace getup is an embarrassment, he needs to reveal to him what he's really doing since he'll require help from at least one of the gang to pull this off. "I need to talk to you."

Sighing, Ted sits back down. "About Robin throwing you a laser tag rehearsal dinner? Dude, that is so not happening."

"I know it's not."

That gets Ted's attention. He goes from disinterested to attentive in an instant. "You do?"

"I'm not an idiot, Ted." He pauses just slightly, until he's sure Ted's on the edge of his seat with curiosity. "Besides, _I'm_ the one who's throwing _Robin_ a surprise rehearsal dinner." Barney absorbs Ted's shock with a droll smile.

"What are you talking about, Barney?" Ted asks irascibly, still thinking there's a catch in this somewhere that will lead right back to laser tag.

"You didn't think the thing with the puppies was actually my payback surprise did you? Barney asks, giving him a look of disappointment. "Telling Robin our wedding was off just to surprise her with some puppies would be extreme even for me. But it's not too extreme if I'm going to surprise her with something even _more_ extreme, just like she did for me. She told me our wedding was off to surprise me with the greatest bachelor party ever, and I just did the same thing so I could give her the greatest rehearsal dinner ever. And now that she's forbid surprises, she'll never suspect this one."

"Okay, I'm impressed," Ted admits. "Did not see that coming. So what do you have in mind?"

"I'm telling you about this because I'll need some help, but you're the _only_ one of the group I'm telling and whatever you do," he stresses with great seriousness, "you cannot tell Lily this secret – which means you can't tell Marshall either."

"Alright. Agreed."

"I'm throwing Robin a Canadian-themed rehearsal dinner," Barney excitedly divulges. "Remember she said she kind of wanted to have the wedding in Canada and we all made fun of her? I've teased her a lot about Canada, but it's her home and her family and that's important to her so it's important to me too. Even though she agreed to Farhampton I know a part of her really did want the wedding to be in Canada, so I'm surprising her with a rehearsal dinner that's all Canada all the way. Seriously," he emphasizes so Ted understands just what a big deal this is, "I'm throwing out all the stops. At risk to my own personal safety – because the man is a loose cannon – I even had a meeting with Alan Thicke earlier this morning; he and James have agreed to perform. And that's just a small part of it. I want every aspect of Canadian grandeur on display. But this won't be a mockery," he's careful to insist. "It has to be a genuine _celebration_ of her homeland."

"Wow. Barney, I don't know what to say." Ted is genuinely blown away. He never would have guessed that Barney of all people would be the one to drop the Canadian bashing and actually want to celebrate the country he once called a punishment to grow up in. Actually, he can't believe that Barney would be willing to celebrate _any_ place other than America. And all for Robin. "You really love her, don't you?"

"Of course I do," Barney responds, giving Ted a look for even asking such a question.

"Well, Robin's gonna love it…..It really is perfect," Ted quietly concedes.

"Thanks. I knew I had to think of something huge to be on par with her surprise bro mitzvah."

Ted makes his next acknowledgement while staring down into his half-empty glass of beer. "This whole surprising each other thing you've got going, the elaborate schemes and trickery all leading up to the big payoff, I have to admit it's really you, man."

"Well, _yeah_," Barney replies because Ted's stating the obvious again. "It's been my thing as long as you've known me."

"No," Ted corrects, looking up at him now, "it's not 'you' as in you, yourself. I meant it's 'you' as in _you and Robin_." Ted shakes his head, his eyes going back down to his beer. "You weren't there but Robin threw herself into arranging your bachelor party with some major gusto." He wants to salute but he knows that ship has sailed. "….The only person I've seen more excited about planning and executing a play is you."

"It was all her idea too," Barney beams proudly. "We were made to be doing stuff like this. And now we get to do it for each other."

Ted gives him a pained smile because in his heart of hearts he knows it's true. It's agonizingly obvious just how much Robin loves Barney. The many ways the two of them do fit together, and how easily she shows him affection and is ready to jump into making a life with him like she was never willing to do when _they_ were together undeniably hurts, even though he wishes it wouldn't. "So what do you need me to do?"

"The most important thing you have to do is make sure everyone gets from the hotel over to the ice rink, oh about five to ten minutes after Robin gets the call that I'm being arrested."

"Wait," Ted stops him, "ice rink?" Then the rest of that statement catches up with him. "Wait. _Arrested_?"

"Yeah," Barney grins, beginning to explain the rest.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>Now, since Ted has confessed his own lingering feelings for Robin, it's good for Barney to know that his best bro nevertheless recognizes the unbreakable and unique bond that he and Robin have and that he understands it's the two of <em>them<em> who belong together.

And, quite importantly to this surprise, it's also good that despite Ted's feelings Barney was still able to gain his full cooperation that night.

Which brings Barney and Robin to this moment in time, Saturday night just before seven o'clock, exiting the elevator's open doors and walking down the hall to the dining room.

Robin has been envisioning this moment in her mind for months, so now that she's here she immediately takes to busily buzzing around the room – arranging the flowers, icing the champagne, seeing to even the tiniest of details. The rehearsal dinner, celebrating with friends and family, is a big part of wedding tradition. It's meant to be the calm before the chaos and nerves that inevitably is the ceremony. She's been painstakingly planning this since March and it's extremely important to her that it turns out to be a lovely, memorable night.

Watching Robin anxiously scurry around, so concerned that everything be the perfection she wanted of tonight, Barney rests secure in the knowledge that it absolutely will be all of that for her and more. He can hardly wait to give her a night she'll never forget and, accordingly, begins amping up his part, pretending he thinks the booze is fake and then choking on the real burn of scotch he knew was coming.

"Yes, Barney, the booze is real; the food is real," she states, giving him an odd look because those are things that go without saying. She can't believe that he would actually do something stupid to mess this up for them, and yet the way he's acting gives her pause, making her anxiety increase.

Barney can already tell she's getting frustrated and it's only just the beginning. By the time they're in that 'security office' she's going to want to rip his head off, which will make the surprise all the better a payoff for her – meaning her growing frustration is right on schedule.

While she was in the tub he'd already been in touch with the hotel staff to make sure there was no ice. He was very specific that they can't just _tell_ her that. He knows his Robin, and when it's something that matters to her she can be quite thorough and determined. She'll go check for herself. That's why in order to stage a broken ice machine there has to literally be no ice, not even a little bit she could try to salvage.

He thought it through from all angles during his planning phase and decided the whole no ice route was the best way to go. A broken ice machine provides him with a convenient excuse to leave and be "arrested" down the street, and it also has the added benefit that he can claim it's part of _her_ scheme – she staged the ice malfunction so she could ask him to go get some, thus leading to his surprise instead of the actual other way around.

Yes, Barney has everything set at the hotel, and he called ahead to verify the fake signs he had printed are already in place too. One reads 'Farhampton Laser Tag' and he instructed it be crudely hung so as not to even completely cover the real ice rink sign underneath. He knows Robin will be far too upset in the heat of the moment to notice the clue he's left for her but she'll appreciate it afterwards when they're leaving. The second is a professionally posted sign that she 100% must believe is real, announcing the town's one and only "ice store" – as if there were such a thing – is actually another six miles down the road in the opposite direction. That will make him and his excuse that he's supposedly getting ice for them and not just taking off to play laser tag look even more flighty, selfish, and irresponsible, clearly out for what _he_ wanted despite rational evidence to the contrary.

From the corner of his eye, Barney notices an employee come in exactly as arranged to tell Robin about the plight of the ice. That's his cue to start in and he does it like a champ, insisting to the rest of the gang that it's all a part of Robin's scheme. Once she's returned after verifying the truth of the lack of ice, he continues to 'play along', eagerly volunteering to go over to said 'ice store' and get some himself, wink wink. And just so that in her frazzled state of mind she can't possibly mistake what he's implying, he makes a point of asking her if she's got everything set over there in terms of guns and vests.

Hearing that, Robin's wariness multiplies exponentially. "What are you talking about?" she questions him. There seems to be no doubt, but she refuses to believe he's actually serious about this laser tag business.

"Oh, babe. You're so good at this. I love it," he obliviously remarks, announcing that he's leaving.

That's when this goes from a mild annoyance to something deadly serious. Because he can't truly be thinking about leaving. Not now. This is no time to play around with his shenanigans. "Barney," Robin stops him in alarm. "Barney, this is our rehearsal dinner. Okay?" Can he truly not understand that? "Do not leave the premises. Promise me you're not going anywhere," she says in disbelief, unable to wrap her mind around how he could even be considering that. Barney merely hems and haws and it does nothing to ease her mind. "Say it," she demands. She's not allowing him any wiggle room for technicalities, like he never specifically said he'd stay in the building, because she knows he'll try that. "Say you promise you won't leave."

With a sigh, he repeats, "I promise I won't leave", knowing it's a lie and knowing she's going to be livid with him because of it.

As soon as he makes it through the lobby, out of the hotel, and into the car Ranjit has waiting for him, Barney pulls out his phone and calls James. His brother is overseeing things at the ice rink and Barney wants to make sure the facade is ready, not just the pull-away walls of the fake security office but the faux hallway he had custom built out over the ice so Robin can walk to the middle of the rink with no clue she's even in a hockey facility. So many hours, and manpower, and such a lot of money has gone into this, but he'd do it all again in a heartbeat. It will all be worth it for the look on her face the moment she realizes what this truly is.

But for now he has to start preparing his mind for method acting mode. Once Robin gets that call she's going to be out for his blood and he has to play complete juvenile ignorance and innocence of her anger throughout, as if _she_ is the one going over-the-top here.

* * *

><p>It's ten minutes to eight. Most of their guests are here already. The food and drinks are in place. Everything is all ready to go. Except her groom is still AWOL.<p>

Robin knows. Deep down she knows where he is, but she doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to believe it. She keeps trying to hold out hope that he'll show up any minute now with some bags of ice, that he hasn't actually been this thoughtless and immature.

So by the time Lily starts up again it's the last thing Robin can deal with in her current state of mind. She can't be bothered with Lily's drama at a time like this, when Barney is missing. Even the news of Marshall's new job and their resulting marital dilemma, while serious, can't truly sway her from the larger issue at hand.

Especially not after she gets a call from Barney telling her he's being arrested.

He went to the laser tag place, just like she was afraid of, but even in her hypothetical worst-case scenario Barney only wasted their time and significantly marred their evening by making her go hunt him down at laser tag and bring him back to the hotel where he should have been all along, with their friends and family commemorating their upcoming nuptials. But this – this is far, far worse. This is unthinkable. After Barney couldn't find the surprise party he'd insisted she was planning for him, he physically threatened the security officer; he was going to dunk his head into hot cheese just to add to the imbecilic, childishness of it all. And now instead of celebrating their wedding she'll likely have to go bail her fiancé out of jail once the police arrive.

She grabs Ted's glass, throwing back the scotch all at once, wondering how Barney could have done something like this to her. That's what she _keeps_ wondering over and over again as she hurries out of the room, hoping no one will notice that both the bride and groom are nowhere to be found.

In the back of the cab she had Curtis quickly call for her, Robin can't help thinking this is exactly the kind of thing that gave her pause before.

When Barney played the suitcase prank on her back on the 14th, telling her he was both leaving her and kicking her out of the apartment, he had no concept of the fact that it was crossing a line. And for what? Sure, she'd fake called off the wedding at his bro mitzvah too, but that was for a once-in-a-lifetime surprise bachelor party. Giving her a puppy was sweet but he could have done it in literally any other way. The end didn't justify the means in that case, and his reaction afterwards showed he didn't even understand why she'd been initially horrified and angry.

That puppy prank got her thinking and those thoughts began to make her fearful and anxious, wondering if Barney is truly ready for marriage, and that's part of what led to her meltdown in Central Park the next day. She was already in a dark place that afternoon, frantically searching but unable to find her locket. Then when she'd called him and he didn't leave laser tag to come to her, she knew once again he had no clue he'd done anything wrong. But that very cluelessness is what caused her to question if, just like her dad who he was off having fun with, maybe Barney would never quite get it either – the level of emotional sensitivity that's necessary in marriage and the determination to make her and their relationship the _top_ priority over everything else.

….In this case even over wanting a surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner.

And that's just it. She thought those old concerns had been pretty well answered by everything that's happened since then – Barney's sweetness over the past couple weeks and during their wedding weekend in particular, all the tender moments they've shared – but now here he goes again with more thoughtless behavior.

Finding Barney ten minutes later chained to a pipe yet unfazed by it all, not even recognizing how huge this is – what an awful thing he's done and how he's ruined this evening for them, this once-in-a-lifetime milestone they can never get back – reestablishes those worries in her, but Barney's more concerned with the silly novelty "Let's Get This Party Started" cow. She even has to argue with him not to press the button on the stuffed toy.

"Why are you so mad?" he wonders, taking a tone like he thinks _her_ reaction is the one that's uncalled for. It's a problem right there that he even has to ask and she actually has to explain to him what has her so upset.

When she lays it all out for him, Barney merely replies, "Hey, you said 'fiancé'; that's a good sign." He's well aware that Robin is furious with him, and rightfully so, but his voice as he says it still borders on the edge of amusement, just like when she railed into him up on the rooftop at the end of "The Robin". He can't help it. Both cases have the same, certain outcome. Right now she is beyond infuriated with him, but she won't be in the end. She's going to love it in the end. It'll all turn on a dime once she finds out the truth. So Barney keeps messing with her, humorously pointing out that her 'pretty mad' face looks like her 'pretty hungry' face.

But when she starts to really yell – like, Patrice level screaming – he knows she won't tolerate this for much longer and Barney ramps it up a little, encouraging her to push the button, pointing out how cold it is in here; they are in an ice rink after all. He's dropping clues for her left and right.

Then he launches into the story of how they got here, all under the guise of explaining things to the security guard/actor. What he's actually doing is reminding _Robin_ about her American wedding compromise and the way she plotted his bro mitzvah. Both of those things intertwined led him to come up with this idea in the first place and he wants them fresh in her mind so she'll be able to connect those dots too when the big reveal comes.

In the midst of his explanation, Robin interjects to inform the security guard all about his puppy prank, and it's obvious in the retelling that it continues to bothers her. Barney is fully aware it makes her indignant; she still brings it up from time to time. But she'll soon understand the real reason why.

It's when Barney gets to the part about her setting up the "decoy rehearsal dinner" and the manner in which he carelessly left it that Robin has to call him on his worst offense. "I _told_ you not to go." This was important to her and he promised that he wouldn't leave, but he lied to her. He just disregarded her wishes like they meant nothing.

Knowing it will rile her even more, he responds, "Yeah, well, you also told me you didn't want a ring bear at the wedding – and we all know how great that's going to be."

Overriding her ring bear protest, Barney resumes laying out what led to his detainment, but telling the whole story this way only increases Robin's irritation because he really doesn't come off looking good in any of it. She thinks he'd take that hint and quit, but he doesn't. He simply continues to insist that she _is_ planning a surprise for him even though by now of all times – chained to a pipe in a security office – he ought to know it isn't true. "There is no surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner!" she screams, wishing he would let it go and deal with this maturely at least from this point on.

His continued and convoluted belief of some great surprise coming to him is his way of preparing Robin for hers. However, noticing her growing anger, Barney decides enough is _just about_ enough. It's time to reel this in. "This place is lousy with clues," he asserts, still cloaking it under the laser tag surprise but actually daring her to figure out _hers_.

She hears Barney going on and on in increasingly ridiculous rationalizations for why this can only be a surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner for him and Robin can't believe the seriousness of what he's done is still not even registering. She's so upset by all this – missing their perfect rehearsal dinner, Barney's selfish actions and careless response – that she's nearly in tears. She loves and accepts every side of him, yes, but this level of childish, inconsiderateness may be too much to sustain in the long-term unless they put a stop to it now.

"This is crazy, Barney," she tells him, coming to sit on the desk facing him. They have to deal with this problem; she's not lone wolfing it anymore. She's telling him her concerns straight out because they must be addressed. "We – we can't have a marriage like this. A marriage has to be built on honesty and trust and all that Lily and Marshall crap." She has to be able to count on him is what she really means.

It's clear to Barney that she's had enough. It's been an awful hour for her and her day before that wasn't so hot either. All of this misdirection has served its purpose. She doesn't see it coming in a million years; it's time for her surprise now. Time to turn the night on its heels and make it legendary instead – all the more legendary in contrast to how terrible she thinks things are now.

"_Fine!_" he gives in dramatically. "Fine. You're right, Robin. His tone serious now, he concedes, "Marriage isn't about playing crazy pranks." He slips out of his cuffs and both that action as well as his very allusion to 'crazy pranks' serve as a blatant admission of what's really going on. "It isn't about telling long, expertly crafted lies to cover those pranks."

Robin senses something's up now. She isn't sure what Barney's talking about, but she has noticed he's no longer cuffed to the pipe. "Hey, how'd you get out of those handcuffs?" Yes, something's definitely weird here. _What_, she doesn't know, but something's up.

"And hiring actors to play security guards," he continues in a rush, making her turn to look at the man in confusion. "And spending exorbitant amounts of money on giant fake laser tag signs."

Her mind latches on to that last part and catches there. What is Barney saying? That this is fake? His arrest is fake? But why?

"No, it's about honesty," he wholeheartedly agrees with her. Looking her up and down as if it's only now coming to him because he's just that good, Barney quizzes, "Size six skate, right?" In actual fact, painstaking research went into that; a shoe size is not always the same as a skate size so he found her old skates in storage just to make sure he had every last detail right.

Robin can't understand why he's asking but she watches in wonder as he produces a pair of skates in her size from beneath the bench that she hadn't even noticed were there. Like Alice fallen down the rabbit hole, this entire situation grows curiouser and curiouser.

"And in that spirit, I gotta be honest." Barney stands up, stepping closer to Robin. The joy is already bubbling up in him in anticipation of her surprise that's coming in a mere minute.

"Every now and then I _am_ going to lie to you. I just am," he admits. His warm smile as he says it doesn't match the words at all, further confusing Robin. And then his eyebrows go up high enough to make those three adorable little wrinkles across his forehead as he quickly clarifies, "_If_ it's in the interest of an amazing surprise, that is."

She crosses her arms over her chest, trying to wrap her mind around what he's saying. This is about the surprise ban then? But she doesn't have much time to contemplate it because he's still talking to her with that soft, loving expression. "You're gonna get bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Heck, I'll just say it: you're gonna get snowed."

Little white flakes start coming down out of nowhere. In a laser tag security office. None of this makes sense. "Why is it snowing in here?" Robin questions. This _has_ to be some kind of Barney magic but she's at a loss to put it all together.

He simply continues to smile, handing her the laces. "Put on the skates. We gotta go," Barney instructs with gently impatient enthusiasm. As she turns around to prepare to sit down on the bench and do just that, he even has to purse his lips together to hold in his laughter; he's _that_ excited for how happy she's about to be.

"But – but _where_?" Robin inquires, slightly disoriented. A minute ago she'd been prepared to see him hauled off to jail so she's not exactly firing on all cylinders. This is all so confusing and bewildering – snowing inside, a pair of skates to put in. It's a relief that he's not about to be arrested, but baffling all the same. "Where are we going?" she repeats in an even softer tone now that she's realized _something _is afoot.

"To the rehearsal dinner, silly," Barney tells her as if it should be obvious. And all the while it just keeps snowing. "Let's get this party started," he says with a wry smile, barely able to contain his glee.

She watches him move his finger over to the cow toy and when he presses the button what she thought were the brick walls of the laser tag security office suddenly begin to lift off the ground as one, like a little kid picking up a cup to find the marble underneath.

Her mouth falls open in shock. This is unbelievable, literally unbelievable. As the walls lift inch by inch, Robin can see they're not even in a laser tag facility at all. What meets her eyes is the very familiar sight of an ice rink – which now explains the skates. "_What_?" she asks in complete and utter surprise, turning around to meet Barney's gaze.

But when she does she finds they are no longer alone. Because behind her are all of their friends and family on the ice in skates too, waving little handheld Canadian flags. They all shout surprise as canons on each side shoot out showers of red and white streamers and a giant Canadian flag unfurls from the ceiling in the center of the rink.

The whole time Barney stands there cool as a cucumber, soaking it all in with a delighted little smile on his face.

This is something good. Robin's brain computes that much, but she's still at something of a loss. There was no laser tag, there was no real detainment; she gets that much. But what is everyone doing here instead of back at the hotel where their rehearsal dinner was just beginning fifteen minutes ago. She was there; she saw them all. "What are – _what is going on_?" she squeaks, stunned.

Robin takes a second to look around the rink, and beyond the obviously fake office setup where the two of them are standing there isn't a space that's not covered in some type of Canadian paraphernalia. There's the huge Canadian flag, red and white balloon arches, and maple leaf Mylar balloons. And all her much-dreamed-about hors d'oeuvres – plus the 100% real scotch, champagne, and all the rest of the booze – are here too on tables set up beside the spectator stands.

"I know how much you wanted to be in Canada this weekend," Barney acknowledges.

She looks into his eyes, still dazed and dumbfounded but very pleasantly so, because this means he _did_ recognize that night how important it was to her; he didn't just tease her. And now it all falls into place what this is and why he told those specific stories to the security guard earlier. She understands the theme before he even says it.

"So I brought Canada to you," he confirms with a tender smile.

Robin blinks, overwhelmed with emotion as the full breadth of it hits her. _This_, this is his big stunt: a surprise Canadian rehearsal dinner. It's what everything has been about. He wasn't being irresponsible, immature, and childish. He was planning all this for her. This is his true return surprise for the bro mitzvah she threw him, not the puppies. The puppies were just a ruse to throw her off the scent of the real surprise.

And that's why his prank then had been so unusually thoughtless and inconsiderate, she realizes. He was tricking her into thinking the puppies were all he had planned but he also _wanted_ to get her to ban all further surprises so she'd never suspect he had anything else in store, and so he'd look like all the more of an idiotic jerk for insisting she was planning something for him after she'd expressly forbid it.

It all makes sense now. She even gets the cleverness of that "Let's Get This Party Started" toy; it lifted the walls and literally started the party.….And this makes her concerns of the past few minutes seem absolutely unfounded, unreasonable, and preposterous.

"Oh," Barney remembers, turning to the guard to get something and then spinning back around to her. "And here's an autographed picture of Wayne Gretzky."

Her teenage hero. He's thought of absolutely everything. Robin takes the picture from him, aware that she's standing there like a fish with her mouth hanging open but it's still so astonishing. He did all of this for her. He's really that _amazing_.

While her mind is still absorbing all that, he adds even more, informing her that the security guard is not a security guard at all, and the man stands up, ripping away his uniform to reveal an ice costume underneath. Then, over by the lockers, Alan Thicke comes out with a microphone, singing what she recognizes is the Crash Test Dummies' "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" and Robin remembers in a rush that Barney had made an anti-Canada slam about walking down the aisle to a Crash Test Dummies song. This is his ironic and thoroughly Barney way of making up for that.

As the ice dancer twirls about, doing leaps around them, she quickly comes to appreciate that it's even more special and utterly Barney than she initially realized because this is actually a personalized version of the song with altered lyrics: _Once there was this boy who wore a lot of suits and said that stuff was legendary._

Suddenly James – dressed as a Mountie – walks in next to Alan and takes over the song. _He gave lots of high fives and swore…. _James turns around and, just like Barney told her was his brother's wedding habit of doing literal duets with himself, the other half of him is dressed as _her_, as Robin Sparkles – blonde hair, jean jacket, and all – and he finishes the line in a girlish voice: …._that he would never get married_.

Beaming, Robin turns to Barney and puts her hand on his neck. "Oh my god," she laughs, and he dives down for a kiss. James continues in falsetto – _He really thought he meant it_ – but Robin can't keep her full attention on the performance. She's too overwhelmed with love for the man in front of her. Marriage is about honesty, he'd told her. He said he was going to lie to her sometimes but only in the service of an awesome surprise, and she can absolutely live with that. In fact, she rather likes that. Looking around, she _loves_ it. "This is incredible. How did you pull this off?"

"Just like I said," he answers mischievously, "with some misdirection, hoodwinking, and bamboozlement."

"You _are_ the best at lying," Robin says in awe, referencing back to his claim the night she discovered _The Playbook_ still existed and he put on an impromptu magic show, ending their fight. "I never suspected a thing. Not even once."

"It was a complete surprise?"

"Completely," she verifies, still a little breathless at it all. "I – I just…." She's only begun to take it all in but it is staggering what he's been able to do, and right under her nose. He must have herded the guests out as soon as she left and quietly snuck them in all around her while she was in the fake security office. The sheer organization that took is impressive all by itself. "I – I can't believe how amazing this is. It blows my mind. Everything. All of it."

"And you like the song?" he keenly asks, like a little boy nervously asking if she likes the picture he made. It makes Robin smile. "I wrote the lyrics myself. It's about us," he reveals.

"Yes, I know," she laughingly replies. "Crash Test Dummies improved by Barney Stinson. I love it."

"And you wanna know the best part?" he grins. "Ted isn't gonna play the piano anymore." Barney can hardly hold it together telling her the rest. "He claims to have learned figure skating instead as an homage to Canada."

"That is _fantastic_," Robin snickers, and they both turn back to the ice to watch.

Predictably, within seconds Ted falls flat on his stomach, sliding across the ice, but he's back up on his feet just as quickly and they can see that he's alright.

As Alan goes into the second verse, this one about her – _Once there was this girl who drank a lot of scotch and was the owner of five dogs_ – Robin giggles happily, turning back to her incredible fiancé. Five minutes ago when explaining his bachelor party, he'd told the security guard/actor/figure skater , "It would have been the worst night of all time if the whole thing hadn't been a prank planned by my beautiful, amazing fiancée. She put me through hell just to give me the best surprise of my life." Now she knows that's exactly what he did for her. All of it had been putting her through hell to give her heaven tonight – and it is without a doubt beyond amazing.

"It couldn't get any better than this. I love you," she gushes, her voice full of such open adoration.

Barney practically bursts at that. He'll never grow tired of hearing it from her. "I love you too," he echoes, meaning it more than he's ever meant anything.

Robin starts to play with his lapel and he senses the mood, his own hand going down to cup her waist. Moving in closer, she tells him in a tone of pure flirtation, "I'm gonna get you back, you know."

And that makes him ridiculously happy too because it's her confirmation that they will have the kind of a marriage he imagined, _their_ kind of a marriage. Robin is completely on board, right along with him. "Bring it," Barney murmurs, his eyes locked with hers as he bends back down to her lips.

They smile into the kiss with visions of themselves at ninety and ninety-five planning elaborate surprises for each other even in their old age. They're both content to keep kissing too until Lily comes up behind Robin, rubbing her back and wanting to pull her away into a hug of her own. As they end the kiss, with their arms still around one another, they draw back just enough to smile into each other's eyes a moment, so lost in their magic and knowing it will always be so. Then, literally jumping for joy, Robin turns around to hug Lily while Barney sees to Ted, and soon all three of them gather around their fallen skater while Robin tries to make some rational sense of all this, asking Barney where they even are right now.

"We're in the Farhampton Ice Rink," he explains as Lily helps Ted go skate off his bumped knee. "But before we do anything else, let's get those skates on." He gestures down to the pair still in her hand that she'd almost forgotten she was even holding. "And here, someone get her a bacon wrapped fig!" he shouts to the crowd.

"Idiot," Robin laughs as several people hurry off to get her the coveted hors d'oeuvre.

She sits down on the bench and Barney slides in beside, just the two of them left alone in the fake office while their guests start to skate around them. As she's lacing up her right skate, for the first time she notices the huge red "Congratulations: Robin and Barney!" banner with two wedding doves coming together on one end and two maple leafs on the other to represent them. "Barney, you are the master of the possimpible," she tells him, and he chuckles softly. "You always will be."

"You're a master yourself. No one will ever put on a more legendary bachelor party than you did." While she's slipping into her other skate, Barney has to bring up the puppy incident. He needs to make sure she understands why he did it. "And, Robin, the whole thing with the suitcase when I said I couldn't go through with the wedding, you know that was part of this too, right?"

"Mm-hmm," she says, somewhat distracted with tying up her last knot. "It was your decoy prank. I figured that out."

"I could see how upset you were that day," he tells her sheepishly, "and that was exactly what I needed at the time but….you're not still mad about it, are you?"

Straightening up, Robin questions in astonishment, "Mad? Look at what you did for me, all that you surprised me with. How could I be mad? And I did the exact same thing to you too – first, actually. All that misdirection and deceit of yours rubbed off on me over the years. Which makes me a worthy opponent for when I get you back," she tells him playfully, her fingers curling around his lapel again. "The only thing I'm bummed about is Legendary. I really did want to keep him," she admits.

"Oh we _are_ keeping him," he assures her. "That part was real. He's already a Stinson. I signed the papers and paid the breeder and everything. We pick him up the day we get back from the honeymoon." He watches her smile happily at that and it makes him smile too.

A cousin of Robin's skates up at that moment and hands her a bacon wrapped fig and after thanking her she devours it, declaring it just as good as she dreamed.

"There are tons more where that came from, and you still have your 'pretty hungry' face," he smirks. "I'll take you over to the refreshments. They've got to clear out this fake office anyway. But I'll warn you, of all the many things I excel at – lying, magic, looking awesome in a suit, blog writing, teaching people how to live, giving you the best sex of your life," he adds devilishly and she tilts her head in admission of the point, "skating isn't one of them."

"Come on," she says, taking his hand as they get up from the bench. "I'll help you get the hang of it." She supports him with an arm around his waist as they first inch off the mat and by the time they make it over to the edge of the ice he's gotten much more confident.

Some of the guests are skating and some are beginning to sit in the stands and talk. Still others are milling around the refreshment tables. And now that she's closer Robin sees that in addition to all the food and booze she knew they'd have there are also two big chests just off the edge of the ice that are filled with cans of Labatt Blue. "I see; I get it," she laughs at his choice of Canadian beer, bending and grabbing one for each of them, handing Barney his.

"Wait," he stops her as she starts to step off the ice. "Before we go eat, there's more. I have a whole thing planned."

"Wow, really?" she replies, giddy at the thought of there being more still. "Okay." She skates excitedly with him to the middle edge of the rink where he's leading her to their mark. At this point the ice has filled up with not just their friends and family but also a smattering of moose mascots wearing winter scarfs and playing hockey with some of the guests, and red maple leaf shapes are now being projected onto the walls. "Barney, this is amazing," she repeats because it certain bears repeating a thousand times. She can't get over this. "And you did it all for _me_."

Barney looks down to Robin on his arm. "I'd do anything for you," he smiles the truth of it.

She watches him set his beer on the rink wall and take some notecards from his pocket too but waits until he's holding onto the wall himself for support before she'll let go of him. But she remains standing close enough to him that their chests brush together as she reaches up and tugs on his tie. "Anything?" she questions seductively.

His free hand settles against her hip. "_Anything_," he reiterates, more than happy to make good on any request of hers tonight.

Robin leans in for a kiss, this one lingering and with noticeably more tongue. When she pulls away, a satisfied smile spreads across his face and Barney turns his head, shouting across the arena, "Everyone, everyone: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!"

He takes a deep breathe to get his wind back and she giggles softly at his side. "I can't believe you did all of this," Robin says lightheartedly. "I – I thought you didn't like Canada," she accuses, poking him playfully in his abs.

"Are you kidding? I _love_ Canada." And now that's really true. Truth be known, for a while now – definitely ever since he discovered his own heritage – he hasn't honestly hated Canada. It's just been a gag he kept up because he liked getting a rise out of her. "Holy muskox!" he says suddenly, looking off to the distance. "Is that legendary Canadian Doctor Frederick Banton?"

Robin looks over in surprise as an actor in a lab coat with a gold microscope skates up to them. From there Barney takes her through a mini journey of Canadian greats: the doctor who discovered insulin; the inventor of the paint roller; Alan Thicke, who Barney starts to get a little jealous of and physically pulls away when he kisses her cheek; the creator of the Wonderbra, a busty actress who _she_ gets jealous of when the brunette gets a little too chummy causing her to push the woman away from her soon-to-be husband. After that the actors stop but his list continues – how Canada helped win the two world wars, a list of famous celebrities who are all Canadian – and she gets what this is. It's not merely as simple as bringing Canada to her on their wedding weekend. This is his apology for years' worth of Canada grief he's given her.

Of course his list of Canadian greats includes one quarter of Barney Stinson – a fact he's finally embracing – and she beams at him lovingly, her shoulder curling up to her cheek in girlish adoration.

"And best of all, _you_," he finishes, throwing away the cards.

Robin sighs happily, shaking her head at what an amazing thing he's done for her. He gave her better than she could ever dream, what she didn't even know she wanted until she got it and now she can't imagine having anything else. This is _perfect_. Her friends and her family, and being surrounding by so much of Canada, and just ice skating with Barney, it's all perfect. The sheer effort and expense he went to in order to give her this is mind-boggling – and all the more so knowing this is his way of showing he's accepting every aspect of _her_ just like she has with him. "Thank you," she tells him tenderly.

Before she barely has the words out Barney chuckles and leans in for another kiss, so very proud that he's pleased her and made her this happy. Her hand goes up to cup his check as she kisses him back and they're so focused on each other they don't even notice Ted being wheeled by, playing a grand piano. Still lost in their own world, Robin gently pulls away, smiling and mouthing _Come on_ as she takes his hand, leading him back out onto the ice.

When they're halfway through their first lap around the rink, still holding hands, Barney turns to Robin. "I'm ready to give this whole Canada thing a try."

"Okay," she laughs. "I'm not sure what that means, but okay."

"It means we should go there together, this summer. We can go for Canada Day." Robin looks over at him flabbergasted, her expression so completely flummoxed that it gives him just a second's worth of pause that maybe he's said something stupid. He's done some research for this but by no means is he an expert on all things Canadian, not yet anyway. "That's a thing, right? Isn't that you guy's Independence Day?"

"Yes," she grins, amused. "Yes it is, and we should absolutely go….But that's going to be a lot of traveling in the next couple of months," she realizes. One thing just about everyone knows about Barney is that he loves to call New York and the good ol' U.S. of A. home.

"Isn't that what you always wanted?" he shrugs. "To see the world? I'll see it with you, Robin. We'll see it together."

"I'd like that," she tells him, getting a little choked up at the sentiment. Hugging his arm, she slides closer to him and their pace slows until they're no longer skating so much as standing at the rink's edge again.

Barney's eyes do a little admiring once-over up and down her figure. "You look amazing in that dress, you know that? I didn't get a chance to tell you before but – god, Robin, you're beautiful."

Everything about this rehearsal dinner he's given her is perfect, and with that one little compliment it catches up to her all at once how truly and deeply and profoundly he loves her to do all this. It makes her heart fill up with a rush of true, deep, profound love for him. "I really, _really_ love you," she tells him. "I know I said it already, but I do. So much." It makes her feel incredibly guilty for some of the unkind things she was thinking on the cab ride over; she should have given him more credit than that. "….I was so mad at you, but you had all this planned."

"I forgive you," he smiles easily. "What else could you think? I was acting like a jackass."

"I'll make it up to you," she promises, her tone unmistakably sexy as she pulls him to her by his lapels.

"Mmm," Barney murmurs approvingly. "This is all I wanted though, just to know you loved it."

"I do. I love it. I love you." Robin inches in even closer still to whisper to him, "And I am going to be _all over_ _you_ once we're alone. I mean it's gonna be intense."

He lifts his eyebrow lustfully. "I look forward to it."

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later, Barney and Robin are in the back corner of the rink off to the side of the bleachers vigorously making out. His hands are sliding along her figure because there's so much bare skin along her back, shoulders, and décolletage for him to explore. Following a trail from her back around her shoulder and back down to her waist he lets his fingers just graze the side of her breast, teasing her enough to feel her hands tighten on him but mindful of the fact they're still mostly in public.<p>

Robin hasn't been much better. She's got his vest completely unbuttoned so she can feel him through less fabric. Her hands are both under his suit coat, one at his chest and the other around the small of his back, one finger just beginning to slip inside the waist of his pants. She breaks the kiss to sigh his name needingly but it doesn't deter him. He just slides his lips down to find other skin to brush across. "Barney, I don't think I can wait till we're alone tonight."  
>"I know what you mean," he murmurs huskily, still kissing her neck, and he nestles his hips further into hers making her moan softly at the gentle friction.<p>

"No, seriously," she says urgently and that tone of hers gets his attention. He stops kissing her and lifts his head to meet her gaze. "I'm thinking we should sneak off into the bathroom together," Robin breathes in a rush. "Right. Now." Her hand reaches down to cup his tight butt, pressing him even closer, and a groan escapes him.

"_Yeah we should_," Barney eagerly agrees, drawing her into one more passionate kiss before they make their way to the bathroom. Bathroom stall sex with skates on will be a first for them but he's certain they can get creative enough to avoid any injuries.

His mind is just calculating possible positions when Lily pulls them apart. "You guys were about to sneak off to do it, weren't you?"

"We still are," Barney amorously hums. Directing the next part at Lily, he adds, "So move it unless you want to join in."

Lily pauses in thought.

"He's kidding, Lily," Robin interjects, not sure she wants to know her friend's answer to that.

"You," Lily commands, pointing at Barney, "go get a drink and cool down. As for you," she turns on Robin, "you're coming with me." Barney looks to Robin and she shrugs, nodding that she'll go along with it, so he does to.

Once Lily and Robin are alone walking back towards the rink the lecture begins.

"Robin, don't you remember what we talked about back in the city?" Lily scolds her. "How you and Barney should be spending the nights leading up to the wedding apart….and celibate?"

"Yeah, well, we didn't."

"Considering you only booked one room, that's obvious – cause I know you two didn't just kiss on the cheek and say goodnight," she dryly expresses.

"So what?" Robin retorts a smidge defensively. Who is Lily to lecture her anyway? She's been drinking like a fish since she got here.

"_So_, you should spend at least the last night before your wedding apart. It's an important bonding experience," Lily expounds.

Robin laughs at that. "How is being apart a bonding experience?"

"Because," Lily smiles wistfully, remembering a happier time back to the nights before her own wedding when it was excruciating to even be apart from Marshall overnight, "it shows you how much you miss each other and how much you depend on that other person being there without even realizing it. And it makes your wedding night that much more special because you've abstained for a while – well, in this case, twenty-four hours," she sarcastically modifies. "This is the time to be celebrating your love and how meaningful it is. That's what you _should_ be thinking about instead of trying to have sex at the rehearsal dinner."

"Sex is a celebration of love," Robin reasons.

Lily shots her a censorious look. "Come on, Robin. You have a whole lifetime to go to town on each other. The bride and the groom shouldn't be banging the night before the wedding," she finishes firmly.

"Fine," Robin sighs. "I'll think about it." She leaves Lily by herself at the drink stand and goes to find her fiancé. As she scans the room for him she ponders Lily's advice and begins to think that maybe Lily might have a point. That's why, even booking just the one room, they were going to hold off on intimacy until after the wedding. They just didn't have the fortitude to stick to it. But she does want the relatively traditional wedding of her girlish dream, and Lily's right; sleeping separately the night before the wedding _is_ a big part of that. Some people think it's bad luck to even see each other at all the day of the wedding, and while she doesn't want to take it that far she thinks she should uphold it at least partway.

Having made up her mind, Robin walks over to where she's spotted Barney, sitting on the bottom middle bleacher, drinking scotch with Ted. "Hey, Barney, can I talk to you?"

Barney nods, walking aside with her to where they can have a little privacy. "What's up? Are we sneaking off to the bathroom anyway?"

"No," she informs him ironically because it's just the opposite in fact. "Lily thinks we need to spend the night before the wedding in separate rooms."

His forehead crinkles up and he shrugs. "Okay I guess. But after we've had sex, right?"

"Barney."

"Yeah," he sighs, dropping the act, "I knew what you meant. But I thought we decided we weren't doing that."

"I know." She grasps the edges of his suit coat in both her hands, using it to playfully tug him closer. "But this is the last time I'll be single," she coyly imparts. "I need to protect my virtue."

"It's too late for that after what we did last night," he quips mischievously.

Robin can't help smiling at that. "Look, I know it's a little silly when we've been living together all this time," she admits, "but I think that maybe this is a tradition I do want to practice. And, hey, if it _is_ a thing we'll have good wedding karma." He doesn't say anything but she can tell from the look on his face he isn't crazy about the idea. "Think of it this way, it's the last night we'll ever have to be apart, _and_ it'll make the wedding night even better," Robin coaxes. Pressing up against him, she whispers, "You know how passionate I get when it's been too long", a reference to their earlier reminiscing in the bathtub.

"True," Barney acknowledges, wrapping his arms around her waist. "And it _is_ tradition….Alright," he agrees. "If that's what you want, I'm on board. The hotel's full so I'll just bunk with Ted tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll have a cot sent up. And it's not like he's gonna have a girl with him," he laughs, amused. "Besides, what's the best man for?"

"Okay, then it's settled. I think this will be good," she tells him, rubbing his arm.

Barney smiles. "For once, listening to Lily's advice has to pay off, right?"

Robin nods, reaching down to take his glass and share a sip.

After that they go back to the party, thoroughly enjoying themselves, with absolutely no idea that following this particular advice is something they'll live to regret.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: In case you missed it this chapter had some references back to things that didn't happen on the show but happened in other chapters/stories of mine. The reference to when they were babysitting Marvin is a callback to my chapter for 9.08, and Barney telling Robin he wants to go to Canada with her is a little nod to the separate one-shot I wrote called "Canada Day". I wrote that one a while ago so Barney is possibly a bit more snarky in it than he would be now since this episode seemed to imply him lightening up on that for Robin's sake, but I still enjoy it as a fun little scene – and this is Barney we're talking about so I'm sure he'd have at least a few little relapses of Canada teasing over the years.

This was also the longest chapter I've done in quite a while but there was a lot of ground to cover between the flashbacks and the present, and hopefully it will help balance out the fact that the next few chapters are most likely going to be much, much shorter. The show really challenged me with 9.13 and 9.14 since they both take place in a very finite amount of time, have virtually no Barney/Robin interaction, and there isn't even much opportunity for conversations people could have outside the show because in the episode they're all accounted for or literally in the background almost the entire time, and 9.16 doesn't even really have Barney or Robin in it. I'm up for the challenge and certainly utilizing time jumps will help but I don't want them to just be random. I do always like there to be at least some connection to the material from that episode and when there _is_ no material to work with that means what I can do with it is going to be less than an episode rife with potential, the end result being a shorter chapter. But hopefully that will mean quicker updates!

Also I don't really want to say too much about it yet but I've pretty much decided that when this story/the series is finished I'm going to start writing an AU story that's loosely based on canon events but with a takeoff on Future Ted's "Right Time Right Place" philosophy (which is also touched upon in "Lucky Penny" too) that if just one thing had been different it would have changed the outcome of the next thing and so forth, like a domino effect. There will be some straight-up AU elements but at the heart of it it's taking a look at how things might have been different in the canon HIMYM universe had some key elements of the plot lined up differently, starting most importantly with the events of the pilot being just different enough to push them along a separate course but with some of the same things still destined to happen to them in this slightly altered universe.


	61. 913

**AN**: So much for this being a shorter chapter! It's actually longer than the last one because I ended up writing a lengthy flashback based around something Lily and Robin told Darren in this episode, and then I also incorporated into that same flashback something I wrote back in the spring after 8.24 aired. I was waiting to deal with that when the locket stuff came back up, but after 9.17 I'm not sure that it ever will again so I decided to add that in here because it seemed like the proper point in time for them to have this discussion and I felt like the 8.24 flashback did need some clarification.

* * *

><p><strong>Bass Player Wanted<strong>

* * *

><p>"So what do you think about all this Lily and Marshall stuff?" Robin asks Barney once they're alone in Ranjit's limo on the way back to the hotel.<p>

Robin had filled him in on Marshall's job offer during their rehearsal dinner at the rink, but even if she hadn't it was all Lily talked about the entire night anyway.

"I think it's great that Marshall got the judgeship," Barney speaks candidly. The entire group knew about Marshall going before the board and how Lily helped him prepare his speech. "That's what they'd been trying for."

Robin nods. "I know you thought Italy was crazy." This isn't the first time they've discussed their friends' impending move but before it seemed like a done deal so there wasn't much they could do but get on board with it. Privately, Barney had told her how dumb he thought it was and she'd basically agreed but neither one said anything to anyone else.

"I was trying to be supportive and not get in the middle of their marriage, but I always thought it was a bad idea. I mean they don't even speak Italian."

"And they have a kid," she adds to the list of reasons that make the move seem absurd.

"Exactly," Barney agrees. "That's a lot to ask, to uproot the lives of two other people, just for one year."

"Working for someone as unstable as the Captain too. He could call the whole thing off on a whim at any time and then where would they be?" she argues.

"They're not twenty anymore. They have responsibilities here now and other things to think about, like do they want a kid who's so confused he doesn't even know what language to speak or what country he's in – and who's been away from his Uncle Barney during a key formative year so he has no idea how to live. The child won't even be able to recognize a suit," he shutters.

Robin smiles at that, though she knows he's completely serious. It's one of the many little things that make her crazy about him. "I'm all for travel and adventure and pursuing your career, you know that. But once you have a family it does tie you down. And, besides, Marshall's is an _unbelievable_ career opportunity." For someone who has long been career-minded, Robin finds it somewhat astounding that Lily hasn't even acknowledged what an accomplishment it is. "It's almost unheard of for someone his age and with his experience to be offered a position like that. You can't turn up your nose at an offer that good; it doesn't come along every day. And if he takes it they'll be set for life."

Barney shakes his head in bemusement. "I don't understand why they had to go to Italy anyway. I know Lily says she always wanted to see Europe but that's what study abroad is for in college – and exactly what I meant about not being twenty anymore. And why can't they just take a vacation there if she wants to see it so badly? This isn't about her career. She can still be an art consultant, or whatever it is she does now, here." He shrugs. "I kind of liked it when she was a teacher. She loves to boss everyone around; it seemed to suit her."

"It _is_ true that if they stay in New York both of them can pursue their dream careers. She wouldn't have to go back to teaching. She's had some success with the Captain. There's no reason she can't find another art consultant position right in the city." It's a hard call for Robin, leaving her torn on the whole Italy issue, because she feels disloyal disagreeing with Lily but in all honesty she thinks Marshall's side of it makes more sense. "Don't tell Lily I said this," she confides in her fiancé, "but it does seem a little selfish."

"It really does. What's Marshall supposed to do in Italy with an American law degree?" he reasons. "Anyway, I could use a friend on the bench. If nothing else he could get my citations thrown out," Barney says slyly, giving her a wink because he knows how sexy she finds his rap sheet.

And she does too, but Robin's smirk soon falls and a feeling of slight self-reproach settles over her since she's well aware of her own ulterior motives. "The truth is I know I can't be objective about this. All the reasons we gave make rational sense, but I just want them to stay because I don't want to lose my best girlfriend. My _only_ girlfriend," she sighs.

Barney sets his hand on her knee, his fingers rubbing her bare skin soothingly. "Even if they do go, it'll only be for a year."

"A lot can change in a year. Things changed completely for us since this time last year," she points out.

"Thank god," he murmurs, squeezing her knee affectingly.

She reaches over and takes his free hand in hers. "It worked out for us, but if Lily goes to Italy, Barney, she might come back a completely different person. Look how weird she got when she first took the job."

"I think she'd snap out of it once she got back home," he reassures her.

"What if she never wants to come back home?" she quietly poses.

Barney gently extracts his hand from hers to put his arm around her, drawing her against him. "You'll always have me either way. I'm no Lily – and that's fortunate cause I'm way awesomer and I have a penis, which we both know you can't live without – but I _can_ listen, anytime you need me."

"I know," Robin smiles up at him. "You listening right now." She leans in and kisses him tenderly, a kiss that's only brought to an end by the car slowing to a stop at the Farhampton Inn.

Back in the hotel bar, just after ten, all four of them reunite around the table and it leads to a wistful discussion of the one still-missing member of the gang: the 30 year bottle of Glen McKenna. Oh, and of course Marshall too.

It takes Lily less than a minute to pull things back around to her crisis, telling them all for the hundredth time how she still can't believe he took the judge position behind her back, but she swears she's not going to force them to choose sides.

"Good, because I totally side with Marshall," Barney states, unwittingly dropping them into a potential minefield. Robin's eyes grow huge and she gives him a look, trying to warn him away, but he doesn't look over and misses it. "That would have been so awkward…."

In an attempt to defuse the situation Ted takes Barney over to the bar in search of replacement Glen McKenna. Left alone with Lily at the table, Robin rubs her forehead, knowing she's about to hear an earful against her soon-to-be husband. Endeavoring to head it off at the pass, her immediate defense is to play if off by blaming it on Barney's desire to get all his citations thrown out.

Mystified, Lily questions, "How often does Barney pee in public?"

"A lot," Robin smiles in girlish veneration. His defiant attitude toward public urination makes him something of a rebel and a bad boy. No one can tell Barney Stinson when or where to pee. He's a maverick, the law be damned. Lil' Barney won't be controlled – by anyone but _her_, that is, which makes it all the hotter. "But don't worry, I'm on your side," she lies.

Lily doesn't have a chance to respond because they're disrupted by some annoying guy coming up to their table and joining them uninvited, and the two women begin a telepathic conversation about who this creep is and which one of them he's going to try to sleep with. When he compliments them both Robin assumes he's going for the tricycle –a thought she finds laughable that they'd ever consider – but Lily is alarmingly into the idea of a three-way that turns into a two-way with just them, naked and going at each other. Robin stops her before things get too awkward, however, they do anyway once the man reveals he's actually a guest at the wedding who knows that she is the bride and Barney is the groom, yet Robin still has no idea who he is.

All of their subsequent attempts to subtly figure out his identity quickly fail. He's no relative of Robin's or Barney's. Maybe he's a co-worker at GNB? She still knows so little about her fiancé's work life and whenever she's asked him over the years Barney has always told her that he's keeping her in the dark for her own good. Knowing what she does about the company, she doesn't doubt it. Still, she's dying to know the truth about what he does for a living. The bottom line right now though is that this guy could easily be from GNB and she'd never know, although she hasn't ever seen him before when she's visited Barney at work.

But, whoever he is, he has a talent for worming his way in, and soon both women are letting their guard down with him.

"So, Robin, I know you of course. But who is this lovely lady here?"

"Oh. I'm sorry. This is Lily, my best friend and maid of honor. Lily, this is – " Robin hesitates, having no idea who the man actually is let alone his name, but he jumps in before she can even finish.

"Darren," he says, thrusting out his hand for Lily to shake, which she does while glancing uneasily over to Robin who's simply grateful for the stranger's direct, forward nature that saved her the embarrassment of admitting she has no clue who he is.

"Okay, so, best girlfriends in New York City….I bet you've got a million wild and crazy stories to tell, two women like you, so lively and vivacious."

Robin looks to Lily and they both smile. "Yes, I guess we do," she replies, increasingly owning it, enjoying the idea of coming off as lively and vivacious.

"I'll bet you do." Darren turns to Lily. "Give me a little of your antics, mishaps, riotous things that happened to you."

Equally enjoying the flattery, Lily runs with it. "O-okay, well….there was that one time up on the roof with the gun and – you remember, Robin. Back when you were staying with me and Marshall at the old apartment?"

"Yeah," Robin grins, realizing they actually do have something to tell. "That _was_ a hysterical mishap!" She looks to Darren. "You're gonna love this story."

Naturally she won't tell him the _whole_ story, parts of which are hysterical but other parts are quite personal and revealing of the place she was in back at that time. Four and a half years ago she was lost, lonely, confused and unsure, raging an inner war with herself and slowly discovering in the process that love and marriage were a top priority for her after all – as well as fighting a losing battle with falling desperately, irretrievably in love with Barney Stinson….

* * *

><p><strong>November 2008<strong>

* * *

><p>Robin can't sleep, which is nothing new. Since she came back from Japan her body's clock is all off, unsure what time zone it's in anymore, and then there's the general state of morose that's bogging her down, not knowing where her life is heading and feeling like a failure.<p>

Since it's been a pleasant fall thus far and today's temperature was even milder, she throws only her bathrobe on over her pajama set, slips a pack of cigarettes into the robe's one pocket and her lighter into the other, and after grabbing an extra bottle she plans to empty while she's up there as well as her favorite handgun, Robin heads up to Marshall and Lily's roof.

While neither one of them approve of their house guest's activities, when she's not eating beer floats to cheer herself up she's taken to shooting empties lined up on the roof's edge to ease her anxiety and make her feel a little bit better about life.

Ten minutes later, balancing a cigarette between her lips, she takes aim, ready to annihilate the third bottle on the ledge still standing next to the shards of its fallen brothers. She's just about to squeeze the trigger when she hears a sudden shuffling noise so unexpected and so close behind her it makes her physically jump. "Son of a – " Lurching around, she sees a familiar suited-up figure already through the open doorway and standing only a few feet from her. "Barney!" she shouts, her heart still going a mile a minute. "You scared me." It's a fact he doesn't seem very contrite about; she can tell that he's laughing.

"Ha-ha!" he gloats, grinning at her. He reaches over for the cigarette now between her fingers. "Here, let me bum a hit." She hands it to him and he takes a long draw before passing it back.

"You know, I could have shot you," she remarks, bringing the cigarette back to her own lips.

Barney gives her a dismissing look. "After all the gun safety rants I've heard from you? Not likely. Although I am talking about the woman who misplaced a gun twice."

Dropping the cigarette to the roof and snuffing it out with her slipper, Robin sets her gun down on the small patio table next to her half empty beer and looks back up at him curiously. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"No one was at the bar. I got bored. Even the talent was lacking."

"On a Thursday night after eleven? Imagine that."

"So I came over here to see you," he explains and then quickly catches his slip-up. "You _guys_. Collectively. All of you." Satisfied with that recovery and seeing no change in Robin's expression other than a slightly quizzical tilt of the eyebrow for half a second, he continues. "I got all the way over here and out of the cab by the time I remembered Marshall's still at GNB working on those contracts, which means Lily is probably bored too and went to bed. But then I heard the gunshots and knew it had to be you up here."

Robin nods, accepting that, for which he breathes an internal sigh of relief. It would be too hard explaining why he did, in fact, come over here specifically seeking her out.

"Where's Ted?" she wonders. "Why aren't you forcibly wingmanning him right now?"

"Like you said; it's after eleven. Past his bedtime."

Robin gives an appalled look. "He really went upstairs to bed too?"

"Right around nine o'clock," Barney confirms.

She shakes her head. "Well at least he threw away his map and he's going out again. That was ridiculous. There was practically nothing but water in the 'safe zone'," she says with air quotes.

"Yeah. Stella really did a number on him. That's why I always say, don't get married until your thirty."

"Ted _is_ thirty," she scoffs.

"He was barely thirty when he proposed. And emotionally Ted's still twenty-five tops," he reasons. "Now he's probably stunted there, thanks to Stella."

"The whole thing was messed up," Robin agrees.

Barney debates with himself if he should say anything, if he should directly address the _other_ things that happened at Ted's almost-wedding or just leave well enough alone. Usually ignoring the uncomfortable is his first instinct, however he's given it a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks and the thing is _he_ was hoping to get Robin to sleep with him at the hotel but why did _she_ turn up at his door? It was all a part of his carefully crafted equation that he would get her guard down and then she'd go along with it and let things happen. But he never once considered Robin voluntarily showing up and doing the propositioning herself. And she wasn't even drunk yet.

Beyond that, even if she hadn't actually meant to proposition him – though it sure as hell seemed like it – he thinks a little clearing of the air is in order anyway. For whatever reason Robin came to him that night, she left less than happy and he feels like he owes her an apology for that or at least an explanation. "Speaking of that weekend," he begins, taking a steadying breath before diving the rest of the way in, "we never talked about what happened on Shelter Island."

"Nothing happened on Shelter Island," Robin is quick to answer even as alarm floods over her. She'd hoped Barney would never mention it, and since some time had passed she thought for certain she'd gotten away with it unquestioned.

"You came to room, and I was….otherwise occupied," he puts it tactfully. "I'm really sorry about that."

Robin's alarm increases. Since when does Barney Stinson apologize for banging some woman?….Unless he's on to her. Unless he correctly suspects _she_ planned on being the one in his bed that night, that she wanted it to be her instead. And if that's the case, she needs to get him off that track of thinking immediately. "What's there to be sorry for? You had a naked girl tied to your bed. That's the dream, isn't it?"

Regrettably, his own words and tricks keep coming back to bite him with Robin. A random naked girl tied to his bed _used_ to be the dream. Now the definition of 'the dream' has gotten a lot more muddled. "Yeah but….bros before hos. I should have been there for you."

Robin is caught somewhere between relief and disappointment realizing that he's only apologizing to her because of Bro Code dictates and not because of anything to do with the two of them. The truth is she honestly wasn't mad that night, not really – though even she couldn't ignore the very distinct edge of hurt that came from the discovery of Barney already with someone else. "Well you didn't know I was coming," she offers with a shrug.

He did, but he didn't. He'd hoped that's where the two of them would end up, back in his room, but it was by no means a sure thing.

"And _I_ was the one who left; you didn't kick me out." Robin needs to make that much clear for sake of her pride. It wasn't a technical rejection. _She_ was the one who did the walking.

She's not admitting to anything, not that he expected her to, so Barney throws out his ace in the hole. "Why _did_ you come to my room that night?" he asks directly, his eyes studying hers closely.

There go those alarm bells again and she does the only thing she ever does at a time like this – deny, deny, deny. "I didn't have a room of my own. I needed a place to stay, remember?"

"And _I_ was your first choice?" he asks pointedly, trying to get her to admit for the first time in the three years he's known her that she may have actually been the one making a move. "Why not bunk with Lily?"

Robin does her best not to let her inner fluster show. After all, this question at least has a plausible answer. "Where would Marshall go?" she laughs. "Or would we all three share the bed?"

"Please. Marshall can't handle the tricycle, especially not with you and Lily." But, more to the point, her own reasoning just implicated herself and he's not about to let that go. "And that raises the question, were you going to share my bed?"

"I was going to share a bottle of scotch," Robin answers firmly. "But it was my mistake. With a wedding and desperate, vulnerable bridesmaids everywhere I should have known you wouldn't be alone."

Barney looks away. "That _is_ the perfect storm to get a girl to sleep with you." She's got it pretty much spot on. All of his hours of plotting on the white board in his office essentially boiled down to that. But what she doesn't know is the only one he was planning to use it on that weekend was her.

"Exactly," she grants. "And it's not like you're gonna turn that down."

Ironically, he had actually, though she has no clue that's what happened. Stella's sister had been hitting on him the entire time, it's true, and he had to work to turn down the easy sex that was available there. But she wasn't the girl Robin found in his room. No, Stella's sister only showed up later. He himself sought out the front desk girl – and it wasn't because he just wanted a quick bang; if that's what he was after he could have gotten it from the obviously kinky sister of the bride.

What actually happened is he'd gone down to the lobby to see if Robin had arrived yet and while waiting there alone for her his integrity got the better of him – his integrity where she's concerned anyway, which may be the only integrity he has. Subconsciously he knew the entire time that seducing a lonely, vulnerable, and he'd hoped drunk Robin into sex wasn't right. He couldn't do that to her, nor was it the way he wanted her in his bed again – willingly, eagerly, and with no regrets afterwards. So he panicked and hooked up with the first girl he saw because that would keep him from being able to hook up with Robin, who he knew he wouldn't have the strength to resist on his own.

Of course that was all before she showed up – sober and at his doorstep, freely seeking out his company. And she was so beautiful….so perfect and so very _Robin_ right there in the flesh after too long, too far away, not even able to see her. Naturally in that moment he wanted to sleep with her desperately, right or wrong. But it was too late then. He'd already done the noble thing by setting out to bang the front desk girl and that detour was too far in motion to call off once Robin saw the other girl lying there.

"I don't blame you," Robin tells him quietly, bringing his mind back to the present. "You were just being Barney Stinson."

"Right," he sadly nods. "Being Barney Stinson." He can't deny the sting at that. It's the same sting he felt when he was trying to take her out on a legitimate first date but she set him up with their waitress, thanking him for being so nice to her by wingmanning him an easy lay which to her mind would be his ultimate prize. She was just helping him be Barney Stinson then in the same way that she's excusing his behavior at Shelter Island now. She'll never see him as anything more, and until and unless she does there's no hope of anything between them other than the slight possibility of one more night she'll regret and pretend never happened. And that's why, though he hates it, it really was for the best that he'd been noble and Robin caught him in the act, preventing him from going back on that nobility. "But it's a good thing I did pick up that woman. If she wasn't there and _you_ had stayed with me, you would have hated the morning after."

Robin looks up sharply, wondering again if he's recognized what she really had in mind that night, but praying he bought into her excuse of simply needing lodging instead.

"You know, when Ted found the note from Stella," Barney clarifies, letting her off the hook.

Of course, her harried mind thinks, relishing her reprieve. Ted's whole jilted groom thing. Of course that's what Barney's talking about. "Yeah, that must have been rough," she manages.

"So," he says far more lightly, and she knows that a very appreciated change of subject is coming before he's even finished. "What's it like living with the marrieds?"

Robin lets out a puff of air, half sigh and half laugh. "Like being in no man's land."

"Ech, I can imagine," he reacts in disgust. "All Marshmallow and Lily Pad 24/7."

"No," she shakes her head. "I mean, yeah, that is annoying, but it's kind of sweet for them." Robin looks up into his eyes, so blue and at the moment so open. She remembers looking into those same eyes the night Simon dumped her and like that night she knows she can be honest with him, tell him things she'd never tell the others, and there will be no judgment, only a safe space to vent. "They just have their life so together…..It makes me feel like mine is even more a mess," she admits. "I don't know, I just – I need to get out. I can't keep staying here."

"You think Marshall and Lily have it all together?" Barney questions cynically. "Lily sells paintings to dogs and a couple months ago Marshall wasn't even wearing pants. Robin, you only _just_ got back from Japan – and kudos for coming to your senses and returning to the greatest city on the face of the planet, btw." She laughs at that and he continues in a softer tone, "The point is you'll get it together too. You'll have a new apartment and a better job in no time."

"Thanks, Barney," Robin smiles. "I'm not sure I agree with you, but thanks."

Seeing that self-doubt creep into her features again, he moves in several steps. "Hey," he says gently, setting two fingers beneath her chin and tipping it up, forcing her to maintain eye contact with him. "It's the truth."

Robin smiles softly again and for a moment neither one of them moves. It's just the two of them, standing close together underneath the stars with only the sound of the city breaking the silence. It wouldn't take much for her to be in his arms but that's not how either one of them play the game. They both need some insurance before they take action, a guarantee this is what the other one wants – or at the very least an out, a cover, an excuse for their behavior should it blow up in their face afterwards as they each figure it inevitably will.

So Barney merely moves removes his fingers, grazing them lightly over her shoulder before returning his hand to his own side and casually putting some polite distance between them again. He looks away, easing his hands into his pockets and glancing out into the city beyond them – anything for a momentary distraction.

Robin stands there motionless a second longer, still looking into the space where he'd just been. And then she heads determinedly back to the patio table, picking up her gun and pointing it at the next empty bottle on the ledge.

"Back to shooting?" Barney questions. "That must mean you're still upset – though at least you've laid off the smoking, so that's something."

"There are lots of reasons to want to go to the shooting range – or in this case Marshall and Lily's roof. Feeling depressed. Feeling lost. Feeling angry." As she answers she looks over at him in his navy suit. Somewhere between the bar and here he's lost his tie, leaving the first buttons of his shirt undone, and as her eyes drift over his throat her real reason for picking up the gun in this particular moment hits her square in the face: feeling sexually frustrated. "Lots of reasons," she mutters.

"I know another way to deal with _all_ those feelings…." he counters.

"Yeah, but that way nearly just made you a father," she teases him. "You've got to find a less risky outlet." Watching him watch her, Robin slowly lowers the weapon, an idea occurring to her. "Do you know how to handle a gun, Barney?"

"The one attached to me," he quips and she laughs.

"Come here," she beckons. "I'll show you."

Ordinarily Barney wouldn't want any part of shooting empty beer bottles on a rooftop, particularly when he has no way of knowing where the bullets are going – although she has lined them up on the side facing the river and devoid of further buildings. But he'd stoop to just about anything for an excuse to be near her.

He moves in close again, reaching inside her unbelted robe to tug on the bottom of her pajama shirt. "Cute by the way," he smirks.

"Shut up," Robin retorts, unable to fight a smile. She positions him in front of her facing the ledge and carefully hands him the gun, warning him, "It's loaded."

"So's the one attached to me."

Grinning despite herself, she ignores that. "First rule, always keep your eye on the target," Robin instructs. Edging in closer, she brings her arms up over his to guide his aim. The position puts them inadvertently into full body contact, something they're both instantly and acutely aware of. Barney straightaway breaks her first rule, turning his head to look at her, and now their mouths are mere inches away.

Robin can feel his breath against her lips and she's hit with a rush of attraction, a surge of pure lust coursing through her making all the good places tingle and heightening her awareness of the muscles of his back shifting against her breasts. She wants to be kissing him. Badly. She wants him to press her up against the open door and –

She shakes herself out of it, telling herself a firm 'no'.

"Eyes on the target," she reminds him. But because it's late and she's depressed she allows herself the one simple pleasure of running her hands over his sculpted arms as she helps him center the gun. She slides her palm over the back of his hand and even that little bit of contact feels good as she curls his finger over the trigger. "Watch out for the kickback," she coaches him, letting go but not moving away. For his own safety, she tells herself.

He squeezes the trigger and though it's not a direct hit, only the edge of the bottle, it does shatter some glass. "See, there you go," Robin says proudly, setting her hand to his waist. "Only this next time aim just a little bit more to the right."

"Maybe it would help if I could mirror your stance," Barney suggests, knowing full-well what he's doing. Even if it isn't right to seduce her when she's vulnerable and even if it doesn't lead to actual sex, he's still a man and he can get a little something out of it. "Show me how you do it," he asks, all pretext of innocent yearning to learn. He doesn't even wait for her response before physically moving her in front of him so her back is pressed against his front.

"Alright," she answers at length, taking the gun back from him.

He moves his arms up over hers and Robin feels surrounded by him – his warmth, his scent, just _enveloped_ in Barney. She wants more than anything to lean back and give in to it. It's an evocative reminder of the last time they were this close and it brings all sorts of intimate images and remembered sensations to the surface.

"Now what do I do?" he murmurs somewhere near her neck, his voice unintentionally thick and deep but he can't help it when she's this close and what he aches to be doing with her right now has nothing to do with target practice.

Goose bumps form where his breath fell and a little shiver runs through her. "Your arms are good." He can keep them there all night as far as she's concerned. "But you need to be on eye level with me to see where I'm aiming."

Barney bends down, leaning in over her until his check brushes against hers.

And that's when Lily comes walking out onto the rooftop. "What are you guys doing?" she asks suspiciously.

For the second time that night Robin is glad she didn't accidentally shoot someone.

"Canadian therapy," Barney explains, letting her go with considerable reluctance.

The only thing Lily initially focused on was Robin's and Barney's suggestive positioning with his arms around her and their bodies pressed together, looking like they were about ready to start making out – or something even more sexual. But now Lily can see the gun in her hand. "Robin, I told you the rest of the building doesn't want you shooting empties up here," she scolds her.

"Oh they're just babies," she pooh-poohs.

Barney looks over at her, amused. "I should take off anyway." He gives her a devilish smirk. "Thanks for helping me squeeze one off," he winks, clicking his tongue.

Robin rolls her eyes, shaking her head, but her grin is the last thing he sees as he walks away.

Once he's gone Robin sets the gun back down and turns to Lily. "What are you even doing up here?"

"Looking for you," Lily replies accusingly.

"You went to bed an hour ago. Why aren't you sleeping by now?"

"Marshall's still not home yet, and you know I can't sleep without him."

Robin nods because they've all heard the stories. She used to cringe at the thought of being that codependent and a part of her still does, but another part wonders what that would feel like and if having that kind of connection and closeness with someone might actually be nice.

"So what was up with you and Barney just now?" Lily interrogates.

"Nothing," she answers immediately. "I was just teaching him how to properly fire a gun."

And she's a good liar because Lily can only hear a trace of detectable guilt in her tone despite the very flimsy excuse. She has no idea what Robin may or may not feel for Barney, though privately her and Marshall have already agreed they'd make a well-matched couple, but what she does know for certain is that Robin is obviously attracted to Barney, if nothing else proven by the fact that she slept with him less than seven months ago – and she knows from the horse's mouth that it wasn't a one-sided seduction. Robin has steadfastly refused to share any intimate details of their encounter the way they usually do, but the one thing she was adamant about was that Barney did not take advantage of her and that she'd been a willing and active participant throughout. Lily also was able to glean through things Robin inadvertently let slip that Barney had actually spent the night rather than leaving immediately after they were through, and considering he often climbs out of girls' upper story windows just to get away and that Robin's been known to swiftly kick a guy out afterwards too, Lily felt that it signified. "Is that _all_ you were thinking about firing off?" she inquiries. "Cause from over here it kinda looked like you were heading towards a relapse."

"You can't relapse with a guy you've never dated."

"True."

"And Barney Stinson doesn't do dating, or relapsing. Only one night stands."

"He did dating once," Lily reminds her. The man who'd cried and serenaded his ex-girlfriend on that video tape was all-in, headfirst into dating and committed relationships.

Robin considers that thoughtfully. It's true that sometimes she….not _forgets_ exactly, but it's just hard reconciling these two versions of Barney, the man he was then and the man she knows now. She tries imagining it, her Barney – _this_, this Barney, the Barney of now – singing a love song or crying over a woman and she can't quite seem to do it. But she thinks maybe she does see something of that other Barney sometimes. In moments when it's just been the two of them and he's away from the rest of the group – like the night they first bro-ed out; when he went with her to give her dogs away; when she finally stopped being Vacation Robin; the night Simon dumped her; that time none of the others could make it to dinner so it was just her and him and he encouraged her to follow her dream and apply for that job – she can tell that attentive, caring nature is still there. He just doesn't let it out very often. But if there could ever be a combination of the two, the Barney she knows now but just a little more tender and a lot more commitment-minded, well, that would be perfection.

"Since you don't want to talk about Barney," Lily continues, interrupting Robin's thoughts, "let's talk about a guy you actually did date then." She pins her with a scrutinizing look. "Ted told me you're planning on moving in with him...Do you really think that's a good idea?"

Robin shrugs. "It makes sense until a find a job and can afford a place of my own. He has an extra bedroom that's just going to waste, and you guys don't want me constantly underfoot. You're a married couple who eventually wants to start a family."

"Is that going to be weird living with Ted, though?"

"No," she responds simply. "Why would it be?"

"Uh, because of that night right before you left for Japan," Lily instantly rejoins, figuring it's a no-brainer. That is until she realizes maybe it's not a no-brainer for Robin if she was so hammered she's blacked it all out. "Do you even remember that night?"

Dread swamps Robin. That was yet another night she had hoped to avoid discussing. It seems that she's 0 for 2.

In fact she does remember that night….most of it anyway. She remembers going to MacLaren's and drinking way too much. Somewhere in there she recalls Lily showing up, but it's mostly just a blur of scotch and shots and beer and some outrageous statements, then it goes black. The next thing she knew she was waking up on the couch in the apartment wearing yesterday's clothes and with a terrible hangover. Lily didn't say much about it but she figures she must have helped her upstairs to sleep it off since she and Marshall were still living there then.

"I remember," Robin acknowledges. "The first part of the night anyway."

The timbre of her friend's voice already betrays her shame so Lily decides the ugly details of the rest of the night are better left unsaid to spare her any further embarrassment. Still, she has to ask her about it, in particular if the two of them are going to become roommates. "So what's the deal, Robin? You said you were moving to Japan because Ted was getting married?" It was mindboggling to her then and no less astonishing repeating it now. "You also mentioned something about how now _you_ can never marry him. And Ted told me you said some stuff at Shelter Island too. So was that just a normal 'an ex is getting married' panic attack, or are you back on Ted again?" she asks with no small degree of trepidation. The last thing they need is a repeat of Ted and Robin. Ted gets far too smitten, Robin isn't deeply into it, and the two of them are far too miss-matched to ever make a decent, viable couple anyway.

"No," Robin replies with decisive certainty, and Lily can tell her answer is sincere. "I'm not back on Ted. It's not like that. I don't have feelings for him. It's just that it – it can be hard when an ex is getting married and you're still just floundering. It makes you think that could have been you…..and then you start to wonder if maybe you were stupid to have thrown that away wanting to find something better when all you'd done is come up empty."

She felt like such a _loser_ at that time. She was grasping at straws, trying to hold onto anything that would make her feel secure. Robin doesn't know if she can ever make Lily, the woman who has been in a solid relationship for the past ten years, even understand that kind of empty feeling, that level of hopelessness.

"Look, Ted's wedding was right around the corner," she tries to explain, "and I realized that bothered me, and the fact that it bothered me was confusing…..It was just a difficult time for me. It _still_ is. Can't you see that, Lily? My career has been going nowhere for years. And then I thought I got that national anchor job and I was so proud. It felt like the answer to everything, but it turned out it was just another failure. They didn't want me. _No one _wanted me." Robin closes her eyes heavily, remembering the darkness of that feeling. It was definitely one of the top low points in her life. "And that just spring-boarded into Ted and how ever since I've known him he's had this thing for me, but now why didn't he want to marry _me_ anymore? What was so wrong with me that no one could want me, professionally or personally?" She struggles to put it into terms that Lily can relate to. "I know after I got back from Argentina there was this whole thing about winners and losers. Well, it was like Ted won. Not only the breakup but at life. He got everything he wanted – marriage and a kid – and I had nothing." The problem is Lily doesn't realize what it's like being single and so very alone. She was just a teenager when she met the love of her life. She can't begin to understand or empathize with how crazy it can make you being out there all on your own with no end in sight. "I thought that Ted was my only chance at marriage. And, I mean, that still might be true; I don't exactly have any prospects. But at the time I felt like maybe marriage was my only option since my career had tanked."

"But, Robin, you can't get married just because you don't like your job," Lily rationalizes. "You should get married because you're in love and you want to spend the rest of your lives together. And, yeah, sometimes people do settle and get married for companionship, but most of those marriages end in divorce when someone else comes along who they actually fall for. But you definitely can't get married just because your career is looking bleak. Marriage has to be something you want. _Is_ getting married something that you want now?"

Without question, Robin knows she used to want to get married when she was young. Then she grew up and got wiser, more cynical – but she had plenty of reasons to be. As far as she'd seen marriage seemed to only end in failure and loving someone always meant getting hurt. But lately, this past year in particular, her feelings have begun to change again. She found a steady group of friends, a quasi-family, and she's realized she really likes the feeling of having someone who knows you and cares about you, someone you can count on. It actually feels _good_ loving people and being loved in return, and so the idea of marriage has gradually become not so abhorrent to her anymore.

"I don't know," she finally answers. And she honestly doesn't. She isn't as panicked and repulsed by the thought of marriage as she used to be, but does that mean it's something she actually desires for herself? "Maybe. Someday. I want to know I at least have that possibility." Right now she doesn't know what she wants – and then there's always been the question of what she wants, what she's drawn to, versus what's good for her – but she'd like to keep her options wide open for when she does finally get it together someday. That's why this unsettledness and all these dead ends and roadblocks everywhere really freak her out.

"But I didn't actually want _Ted_." She needs Lily to know that, especially if she retells the story of that night to Marshall. Knowing her, she probably already has, but maybe this will get back to him too. "I didn't have feelings for Ted – I _don't_ have feelings for Ted. I'm not in love with him, and it's not that I _ever_ really wanted to marry him. I mean that's basically why we broke up, because I was so horrified at the thought of him proposing…..But we're still close. We're still friends. And we had some good times together. There were positives to the relationship."

Actually this whole thing was exactly like the night they all went out to New Jersey to see Stella's place and Lily and Barney tried to talk her out of groveling to get her old job back. "My mind started going back to Ted for the same reason that even though I hated it I almost went back to Metro News 1. I wasn't happy there and it's not what I wanted; I wanted a better fit, I wanted something _more_. But when you're desperate and in a panic and afraid and just need something to cling to you tend to let yourself forget the bad and only think about the good." Robin sees it as something like drowning in the ocean and you're desperately clinging to a tiny little inner tube. Of course you'd rather it be a nice big lifeboat, but in a pinch you'll grab at anything rather than going down into the darkness. "Because, the thing is, both Metro News 1 and Ted were the steady and sure and comfortable, familiar constants in my life. And I just kept thinking – " She doesn't want to admit it because it makes her sound so pathetic, but it's true just the same. "I kept thinking they were better than nothing. That's what you have to understand, Lily. You don't know what it's like staring out into a cold, bleak, dismal future of _nothing_. No hope, no prospects, nothing."

"I do understand that," Lily assures her, rubbing her arm comfortingly. "That's how I felt in San Francisco when everyone kept telling me I wasn't good enough to be an artist, and I was broke and miserable and thought I'd lost Marshall too. So I do know how that feels. But what I don't understand is why now – I mean, then – I mean, that was just a few weeks ago, but you've been single for a year and half now. What, was it a delayed reaction?"

"I've been single, but even after I broke up with Ted it was nice knowing there was someone who still carried a torch for me that way," Robin candidly admits. "I came back with a new boyfriend and Ted was still struggling and it was an ego boost. It felt good to know someone was out there wanting me and loving me and thinking I was special."

It's all Lily can do not to tell Robin about Barney. About how he's fallen so desperately in love with her that even _Barney Stinson_ couldn't fight it. About how crazy he'd been the entire time she was gone in Japan. How she's fairly certain he would do absolutely anything for her – and that's even thinking she's never going to feel the same way. But for once in her life Lily keeps the secret….at least from the person who matters, that is; she _had_ to tell Marshall. This is Barney's secret to tell so she keeps that knowledge to herself, even though it could be a game changer for Robin.

"It was comforting to know I always had that with Ted," Robin continues, because as long as she's on a roll she might as well get the rest of it out. "Yes, I wanted to find something more for myself. I wanted _my_ dream, but….I guess I felt like if I ever decided I did want marriage I could always still have it because there would always be Ted. It was reassuring to know that I'd never _have_ to be alone if I didn't want to be because I could always come back and…." She pauses, finishing the rest slowly, only just now fully realizing it herself. "….I could always have a fallback in Ted if I needed it." She cringes. "And now saying it out loud I hear how awful that sounds, but there it is." She hates herself a little for having felt that way but it _was_ how she legitimately felt.

Lily's pieced it together and she thinks she has a pretty good picture of it now. "So you moved to Japan because you lost your fallback."

"When I took the job in Japan I didn't think it through. I was in a daze. I barely even heard the Japan part of it," Robin divulges. "I just knew I _needed_ my career back, so all I heard them say was the part where they wanted to offer me a job. That's all my mind would focus on. The rest was all a haze. But once the haze wore off I realized how crazy it was accepting a job halfway around the world. And I knew – Lily, I knew as sure as you love Marshall that I didn't want to go live in Japan all by myself. I didn't want to leave the life I knew, the life I enjoyed, and leave all my friends and be so utterly _alone_. But I also knew that I had to go. I _had_ to. I didn't have a choice. When I said I was moving to Japan because Ted was getting married _that_ is what I meant. Not because I loved him but because losing Ted as my fallback meant that I had to go. I didn't even have any traces of a love life as a secondary option. It was my career or nothing, and Japan was the only option my career had left."

"Okay," Lily sorts it all out. "You felt like Ted was your only shot at getting married, and that was gone, so you had to push hard for career. I guess I get that. So that's all there was to it?"

"Well, that's not entirely all there was to it….."

"Out with the rest," Lily sighs.

"I also knew that if I didn't go to Japan, if I admitted that the life of an independent, completely alone, jet-setting reporter may not be what I wanted after all then I'd be admitting that I'd walked away from my relationship with Ted – the only chance at marriage I ever had and at the rate I'm going probably ever will – for nothing. But," Robin interjects before Lily can start, "even that wasn't about Ted. It was about my _entire_ romantic history. I'd always turned down relationship after relationship any time it started getting mildly serious because I told myself I needed to 'focus on my career'. But if that was just a load of crap, if I really didn't want to be the independent world traveler, then where did that leave me? Just running away from what could have been solid relationships for nothing. That's why I had to make good on what I always said I wanted for my life. Ted getting married was just the final push. I mean, how could I sit there watching him live the life _he_ always wanted and knowing the whole time that I was a fraud? So I had to _make_ myself go be the person I always said I was."

She had no way of knowing at the time that going to Japan was going to make her into an even bigger fraud. She pretended to all of them that things were going so well, but in reality she _hated_ it. The job was a joke and she was homesick and she missed her friends terribly, and it's time that she admits as much. "After my epic fail in Japan and finding out it was nothing more than the Pacific Rim's version of Metro News 1, that wasn't just another job down the drain. It proved I was a failure at _everything_ – in romance and in career. I was just a joke no matter where I went. But even so, I couldn't take it a minute longer. I quit my job and flew back to New York and then straight on to the ferry to Shelter Island and Ted's dream wedding. I was walking right into his happily ever after and I, meanwhile, literally had _nothing_. Not even a place to stay. That's why I said the things I said to Ted that day. Because I was lost, and confused, and so very alone." It wasn't fair to spring that on him, especially when she didn't really want _him_, not at all. She just wanted him to want her. "….It's just hard. I know that saying Ted was my fallback is a horrible thing to admit, but it's hard walking that tightrope without a safety net. And that's exactly what being single is, Lily. It's like balancing out over nothing. It's difficult, and it's scary, and most of all it's so _lonely_."

Feeling lonely and lost is why she went to Barney on Shelter Island. When she contemplated her loneliness, when that feeling hit her of forever being alone, only one name, one man came to mind. Because he's her never-fail cure for loneliness, or depression, or just generally feeling down. He always makes it better. Always.….He made it _so_ much better the night that Simon dumped her. And not just the sex. The sex was amazing. The kind of primal, passionate, chemistry-fueled kismetic sex most people never even find and she herself would be returning to again and again were it not with Barney Stinson. But he didn't just leave her body feeling good that night. He picked up the pieces and put her back together again. He made her feel genuinely better about herself and her life and her prospects, her entire outlook. He made her happy again. Just a few minutes with him and she was smiling and laughing and forgot all about why she was crying in the first place. He does that for her. Even when she was still with Ted and she had to give up her dogs and it was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do, Barney was there for her and he seemed to understand and somehow he made it a little bit easier.

So when she was upset on Shelter Island, no longer in fight-or-flight desperation to get her safety net back but truly, deeply lost and upset and feeling rejected by everyone, the _only_ one she wanted to go to was Barney – not Lily or Marshall, but _Barney_. She went to him to be reassured, to be comforted. Because he can do that for her like no one else. He has a way to somehow always make her feel better no matter how low she's feeling or how seemingly dire the circumstances. She knew Barney would make it better, make her laugh, make her _happy_. And she wanted to feel that with him…..that, and everything else he can make her feel. She wanted to be mindless for a night, thoughtless, _fearless_. Not to think but only just to _feel_ – and she knows now from experience that Barney can certainly make her feel incredible. She wanted to be sixteen again. Just like the first night they slept together, she wanted to let herself be free and vulnerable and open to things, not always fearing and even expecting – waiting for – the worst. And when she allowed herself for one night to let go of fear, the first thing she wanted to reach for was Barney.

Now Robin doesn't know what she was thinking.

Barney is _Barney_. _Of course_ he would have a woman with him, naked in his bed. It was a blatant and much-needed reminder that he's Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson, who doesn't do commitment and certainly not love. Like he's just going to be waiting around to brighten _her_ world and make her feel better. He's too busy making himself feel good with one bimbo after the next.

Not that she blames him. It's not his responsibility to see to her happiness. And why would a guy like Barney, who could be out picking up any woman in town, want to waste his night dealing with a mess like her? But it was an important reminder that Barney is even more of a dead-end than Ted is…..even if sometimes more and more what she _really_ wants is to travel his way, explore that street anyway despite the risk.

But Robin can't tell any of that to Lily so she leaves that part out. "The bottom line is, as hard and scary and lonely as being single is, now I see how crazy I was being just trying to grab on to whatever I could for security. I mean the situation really hasn't changed; I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life and it still feels like a whole lot of nothing staring me in the face and that still terrifies me. But I know that Ted isn't the answer. He's devastated that he lost Stella. He really loved her – and he deserves to have that kind of love…..We both deserve more than just settling."

"You're absolutely right." Lily _has_ to jump in now because so much of what she's just heard is tragically misguided and clearly coming from a woman who for all her bravado has a heartbreakingly low sense of self-worth – not unlike the man who's in love with her, the man who just had his arms around her looking at her like she hung the moon but then left without ever saying a word. "You both do deserve more. _Everyone_ does. Everyone deserves to have real love." Including Barney. "You've just got to give it some time, Robin. You're sweet and funny and have the kind of figure women will kill for and men will drool over….and some women too," she confesses in a rush. "Lots of guys are gonna want you. _Any_ guy is gonna love you."

When Barney called her to his apartment that morning two months ago to tell her he's in love with Robin, the way he described how he felt about her would have moved anyone. And every now and then he'll give Robin a look that's filled with such love it even makes _Lily_ ache from it. "You steal hearts left and right and don't even know it," Lily tells her. "Ted is certainly not your only chance at marriage. Whatever else you might think, you don't ever have to worry about that. But can I ask you something as a friend? This new insight and calm you say you have, are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Ted is single again and therefore available as your fallback again so now you don't have to be concerned?" Lily shrewdly observes.

"No. That's now why," Robin rejoins. "At least I don't _think_ so. It does take the pressure off, I can't deny that, but Ted really does deserve to find real love. And I don't know about me but….I think I'd at least like to have a relationship that fear of ending up alone wasn't the driving motivation for."

Lily smiles. "That sounds like a plan. A good start anyway."

Robin gazes up at the stars, letting out a deep and heartfelt sigh. Then she looks back to the patio table and her waiting gun. "You wanna shot some bottles, Lil?" she asks, something of pleading in her voice. The past fifteen minutes have been much too deep for her taste. She needs to go back to some mindless shooting. Barney's right; it _is_ Canadian therapy.

"Alright," Lily gives in, sensing that her friend needs this. "You can teach me."

Robin's face brightens and she reaches for her gun.

"But I think after a talk like that it calls for a bottle of wine. And maybe some snacks. I still have some prosciutto wrapped mozzarella balls left from last night."

"That actually does sound good," Robin agrees.

Lily returns a few minutes later with the requested items, and both the wine and the food look amazing to Robin. But while she's distracted pouring herself a glass of wine, Lily takes back off across the rooftop. "Here, let me just close this so we don't disturb the neighbors," she says, pushing the rock that had been holding the door open back out of the way.

"NO!" Robin shouts, but it's too late. The door is already clanging shut. "Lily, it locks from the inside," she groans. "Now we can't get back downstairs….."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>Neither one of them had their cell phones on them to call for help. They had to just wait up there until Marshall came home from work two hours later and found the note Lily left him explaining they were up on the roof. Meanwhile it started raining at least an hour before he came and they had to huddle up under the awning over the locked door.<p>

But the prosciutto was excellent, and they hit all the bottles. All in all, it wasn't a bad night and quite easy to laugh about now.

After their story, Lily goes to get the next round and Darren takes the opportunity to gain Robin's confidence by sharing a traumatic story of his own about the tragic death of his mother. After he's been so candid with her, how can she not open up to him about Lily's trip to Italy and hoping Marshall will win? Sure, it's a big deal in her world but it's nothing compared to the death of a parent. Once she's told him Darren seems quite pleased that she confided in him in turn and Robin feels good about the whole exchange. They each got something off their chest. Darren – whoever he is and however they know him – is apparently happy that they've bonded. It seems great all around.

Until he bluntly reveals Robin's true feelings on Rome to Lily before taking off and out of the fray.

Lily is hurt and feels betrayed. She even calls her a traitor for rooting for Marshall. Robin tries to worm her way out of it, but the truth is she did say those things and she meant them. She attempts to lay the argument out logically for Lily the way that she and Barney had discussed it earlier – that being a judge is just as much Marshall's dream as Italy is hers and all the rational reasons for staying in New York – but Lily doesn't want objectivity. She just wants Robin to side with her. She says she needs her support. As a friend, Robin can understand that so she caves and apologizes, promising to give her all the support she needs.

Until Darren comes back again. "I'm sorry. You guys are probably talking wedding details. I mean no maid of honor is going to steal the spotlight on the bride's big weekend, am I right?"

And that sets something off in Robin. "You know, he _is_ right." Now that she really stops to think about it her indignation is growing by the second. "Why is this all about _you_? I mean you have been preoccupied with Marshall all weekend."

"I have not," Lily answers defensively but also with a touch of self-awareness that it's at least partially true.

"You have been sleeping with a doll made of cushions that you named after him," Robin scoffs. In fact, that's all she's heard about all weekend long – _where is Marshall, why isn't he here yet, if I have to get through this entire weekend without Marshall I've got to be good and liquored up_. And now it's become, _I'm so mad at Marshall, how could Marshall take the job without telling me_, and on and on.

Lily's counter argument is that the doll is just for sex, and that's the final straw. Robin has to point out how ridiculous it is that they're even discussing this at _her_ wedding weekend. "How many times this weekend have you gone on about Marshall and your problems?" Lily has made everything all about her drama and now that it's out there Robin can admit she resents it. "And then how many times have you asked me how _I'm_ doing and if everything's going well? I mean, Lily, our minister died last night – actually had a heart attack in front of us – and we had no one to perform the ceremony. You can't get much of a bigger wedding crisis than that. But did you try to help us find a new officiant? No. Because I don't even know where you were half the time. It was James who came through for us, and you're supposed to be my maid of honor."

"I – I know that Robin," Lily admits with some guilt because she hasn't been living up to the title the way she should be and she knows it. Nevertheless, her own world is on shaky ground here so she feels like she has a valid reason. "But I've had problems of my own to deal with."

Problems of her own. Right, Robin thinks. Because that's all Lily cares about anymore. Here she is about to take the frightening leap into married life – something she wasn't sure if she would _ever_ do – and Lily, her one go-to for solid relationship advice from the only person she knows whose marriage has actually lasted, is leaving her just when she'll need her most. Already Lily hasn't been there for her once this weekend and she's not even gone yet. "No one was allowed to have problems at _your_ wedding," Robin accuses. "For weeks, Ted and I hid the fact that we'd broke up just so we wouldn't take focus from your day. When you were getting married everything was 'It's for the bride', and I was 100% on board with that because I understood it was a once in a lifetime thing and you needed me. I was there for her, but you've been too self-centered and caught up in your own problems to be there for me now that it's my time. And you know what? Not even just this weekend. It's been like that even since Rome first came up – no, even before that. Ever since you took the art consultant job with the Captain. I stayed up all night long, haunted by the sounds of that damned car alarm to fight for a wedding dress for you, but you've barely even been around these past two months. I feel like I have to fight for time and go out of my way just to see you."

Offended, even if there may be a good deal of weight to what Robin's saying, Lily shouts, "Well if you feel that way, then fine. I guess I don't need to be here." And with that she gets up and storms out onto the porch.

Robin sits there glumly in her wake, wondering what just happened.

Okay, maybe that resentment had been building up for a while now. It was why she could barely stay cordial about listening to Lily's drama back in the midst of Barney's rehearsal dinner prank. But she never would have said anything to Lily if it hadn't been for Darren. She would have just kept in inside and swallowed it all, maybe vented a little to Barney. Even though everything she did say is true, she knew it wouldn't go over well with Lily and it would only lead to a fight, and now it has.

Her mother is already a no-show; she can't lose her best girlfriend too. Their rooftop pajama story just proved how much Robin needs Lily in her life….In fact, maybe that's what this is really all about, losing Lily.

And maybe that means _she_ is the one who's being selfish. Lily has her life and she has to live it, even if that doesn't line up with what Robin might want.

Crap.

She needs to make this right between them. She just has to figure out a way to do that.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, up at the bar, after determining that going to jail for a bro is "the dream", Barney and Ted met Darren too. And he's awesome. Just like with the girls, he gets how hilarious and adorable the two of them are. It's all good times until Barney goes to get him another drink and returns to the bombshell that Ted is moving to Chicago – something this Darren guy knows but Ted hasn't even seen fit to tell his best friend.<p>

Barney's first reaction, beyond the initial and deep hurt that he isn't even the first to know, is to try to talk him out of it. Because the whole idea is just absurd. Ted cannot move to Chicago. It's bad enough that Marshall and Lily might be taking off for a year. Ted can't leave too. They _all_ can't leave. There will be nothing left of the gang, of their little family.

But when Ted starts listing off who does and doesn't know about his upcoming move then Barney realizes it's truly serious. This is for real. Ted's really doing this. And far worse than Marshall and Lily, he's not talking about a temporary thing here. He's making a new life and a new home, far away from all of them.

Barney asks for more details, the how and the when of it, hoping it's not until next year at the earliest and they can at least have another six months together. That's when Ted drops the other bombshell. He's moving away, leaving for good, on the_ day after the wedding_, meaning tomorrow could be the last he'll ever see him.

After more than ten years of friendship Ted gives him less than a day's notice that he's moving away forever – and not even that much notice, actually, because he had to hear it secondhand from this Darren.

Ted claims in his defense that he didn't want to put a damper on the wedding, but what does that even mean when he's leaving the next day? Was Ted _never_ going to tell him? Was he just going to slink off in the night and send a text when he got there: _Congratulations and, oh by the way, I live in Chicago now. Nice knowing you. Friendship over_.

Then Ted has the gall to start to say that Marshall is his true best friend? Unbelievable.

But that's alright. That's okay, because clearly he doesn't mean much of anything to Ted so why should he be sad over the loss of that kind of friendship? And he lets Ted know as much before leaving him there in the bar.

* * *

><p>Taking refuge in the dining room with some of their other wedding guests, Robin's nursing a beer and trying to figure out how to make this up to Lily when the perfect idea occurs to her. Marshpillow. That will show Lily where her loyalties lie and it can help Lily to work out some of her anger too. Because there's no reason they can't <em>both<em> support each other, through this weekend and any other.

When she makes her way out into the lobby to head upstairs after Marshpillow, Robin finds Barney sitting on the stairs looking rather forlorn himself.

"Hey," she greets, coming to sit down beside him. "What are you doing out here all by yourself? I thought Ted was with you."

"I thought so too," he says sadly. "Turns out he never was."

Robin can read between the lines enough to know that's a loaded statement. There must be much more going on here than just Ted wandering off to mingle with other guests. "What does _that_ mean?"

"Nothing," is Barney's rote response. It's not that he wants to lone wolf it in this case, but he's been sworn to secrecy, and he knows firsthand this is something you should hear from the friend himself rather than learning it from a third party. "I can't tell you," he corrects.

That's a red flag right there. "Which one is it?" she questions. "Nothing or you can't tell me?"

"I can't tell you."

So it _is_ something; Robin's able to gather that much.

"I want to tell you," he assures her, "but I had to promise I wouldn't."

She looks at him with suspicious amusement. "Is this another surprise for me?" she smiles. "Cause I gotta tell you, it's going to be pretty hard to top the last one."

Barney lets out a humorless laugh. "It was a surprise for me too. But not the good kind."

Whatever this is, Robin can tell it's eating away at him. He's fidgeting his hands, shaking his leg up and down on the step; he can barely sit still he's so agitated. Her guess is he's gotten into some kind of fight with Ted. He always gets upset like this whenever the two of them are on the outs. "And you're sure you can't talk about it?" she asks. She wants to help him with this but there's not much she can do if he can't tell her what happened.

Barney shakes his head no, deciding it's best to simply change the subject. "What are _you_ doing out here by yourself? Where's Lily?"

It's Robin's turn for a sad admission now and she starts fidgeting her own hands, running her thumb over her fingernails worryingly. "She's mad at me for taking Marshall's side." She glances over at her fiancé, already knowing the answer before she even asks it. "I have to tell her the truth about why I sided with Marshall, don't I?"

"Yeah," he agrees, "you probably should….Take it from me, it sucks to hear the truth about a friend secondhand."

She sighs, knowing Barney's right and knowing what she needs to do. "I have to apologize," she nods. "But first I'm on my way up to Lily's room for the original way I was going to make it up to her."

He gives her a mischievous little smile. "You're not gonna finally let Lily get to second base, are you? Because I'm not sure I'm okay with that. And if you do, I definitely get to watch."

"No. Idiot," Robin smiles, shaking her head and playfully nudging his shoulder with hers. "I'm going to help Lily beat up Marshall." Barney looks understandably surprised at that so she explains, "Well, Marshpillow anyway. It's a great way to take out your aggressions, second only to the shooting range. Or a rooftop with some beer bottles lined up," she grins, raising her eyebrow impishly. "You wanna come with me?"

"Nah, I think I'll stay here a little while longer."

She almost doesn't want to leave him when he's so sad like this but she figures he's waiting for Ted to come back through so they can sort things out. "Alright. I'll see you in a bit then," she says, kissing him as she gets up to go upstairs.

Five minutes later, Barney's still sitting there sullenly when Robin comes back through, now carrying Marshpillow under her shoulder – without the iPad, just a picture of Marshall taped on over the blank face.

She sits back down beside him, letting Marshpillow lean against the banister in front of them. Taking hold of the pillow head, she turns it so the eerie picture of Marshall is looking at Barney. "So Lily can sock him in the jaw," Robin explains. She lets go of the pillow and its head twists back to the front again.

He chuckles softly. "Is this what you used to do to me after we broke up?"

"No. With you, I just imagined your face was the target I was shooting again and again."

"Seems about right," he nods.

"But then I'd feel guilty afterwards because I still loved you too much to ever hurt you," she divulges.

"Well I'm glad for that." Barney smiles tenderly over at her.

Robin moves her hand to his thigh and rubs it gently. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me? Lily might let you get a punch in," she offers. "It could help make up for all the slaps he's given you."

Barney smiles but shakes his head. "I'll just be a minute longer," he promises.

"Okay, well, we'll be out on the porch." She rubs his thigh one more time before getting up and taking Marshpillow with her.

The second she's gone he feels her absence. Without the balm of her comfort there beside him his mind goes right back to his troubles with Ted and he starts twitching his hands in agitation.

When he sees the man himself come walking back through the front door he doesn't even want to speak to him and starts to get up to leave until Ted stops him, swearing that their friendship _is_ important to him. But Barney knows that isn't true. If someone is truly important to you, you let them be a part of your decision to move across the country – and you most certainly tell them about it once you've decided. You don't just keep them in the dark while notifying virtual strangers about it.

He can see so clearly now what's going to happen. Ted will move away, find new bros in Chicago, and forget all about him. If he's honest with himself he always knew their friendship was somewhat lopsided, with him caring more than Ted does. That's why he had to force himself on Ted to begin with, why he always had to beg him to come out to the bar, why it had been so easy for him to let Robin off the hook but call _their_ friendship off after he first slept with her, why Ted never failed to remind them all that Marshall was his real best friend. But he always felt like that was okay because at least he still got to be Ted's friend – his _brother_ they had said after the bus accident. Now they won't be anything to each other. Just distant acquaintances, until they're nothing at all. "I'm just some guy you used to know back in New York."

Then Ted shows him the bottle. That's where he'd taken off to, down the street breaking into the Farhampton liquor store to steal a replacement bottle of 30 year Glen McKenna.

"That's a $600 bottle," Barney marvels. "Ted, that's grand larceny. You really could go to jail for this."

Ted answers with a smile, "That's the dream."

Right then Barney realizes Ted must care about him after all, a great deal too. That makes it better, much better, but it doesn't change the fact that this still blows. There are plenty of great jobs Ted could get in New York. Why does he have to move all the way to Chicago, and now of all times? Is it because Marshall and Lily are leaving? Is his friendship alone not enough to keep Ted in the city?

That makes sense. Barney protests to the others but he isn't kidding himself; he knows Marshall really is Ted's actual best friend. The three of them – Lily, Marshall, and Ted – have always been closet to each other. From the beginning they were the most tightknit with their own little college group, leaving him and Robin as the two outsiders who thankfully bonded together and fell in love. Realistically, it could very well be that without Marshall and Lily here there's not much holding Ted in the city or preventing him from leaving. But if that is the case they might not even go now, and if they do it will be just a year away and then they'll come back and all of them can be together again. For only twelve months would it really be so bad hanging around without them? "I know Marshall and Lily might leave, but it's only a year. And in the meantime we'll still see each other all the time," Barney argues. It makes perfect sense. Why move away when the three of them can still hang out? "You, me, Robin."

And then it dawns on him.

The look on Ted's face confirms it. He doesn't want it to be 'you, me, and Robin', precisely _because_ it will be just the three of them. That's the real reason Ted is leaving. It has nothing to do with a career opportunity. He doesn't want to be the third wheel. Ted can't stand the thought of it when _he_ still wants to be with the woman his friend will be married to.

"Oh." Barney looks down, because what else can he say? There are no words for this, how awful it is for your best friend to be in love with your wife, how unfair it is that to have one he must give up the other.

But if this is the way it has to be, then it will just have to be. Because he's marrying Robin. That is unquestionably the most important thing. Being with Robin is his truest happiness – his only happiness – and if Ted can't handle that, he's sorry for him but it's the way it'll have to be. If being married to Robin requires that sacrifice then he'll make it without a second thought.

And maybe it _is_ better this way. If things had turned out differently and Robin had married Kevin or Nick or even Ted, it would have hurt like hell to stick around and watch that. He can't even imagine how painful that would have been.

Although he still thinks he would have done anything to keep Robin in his life at least as a friend, even if it meant learning to live with that pain. But he and Ted have always been different where Robin is concerned. That's why back before when she'd just broken up with Kevin and they were both wanting her, Ted couldn't begin to understand why he wouldn't fight at all costs for Robin even if that wasn't what she wanted. He couldn't fathom why Barney was prepared to sit back and endure Robin dating Ted again when it would make him miserable even if that's what made her happy. That's why Barney doesn't believe Ted actually is as in love with Robin as he thinks he is, but as long as _he_ keeps thinking he is that's the only thing that's going to count in this situation.

"I need a new start," Ted confirms.

Barney thinks he's probably right. It's been six years and the man still hasn't let go. If time can't do it, maybe distance will. "I'm gonna miss you."

"I'm gonna miss you so much," Ted echoes, embracing his friend.

Robin walks back into the lobby at that moment to see Barney and Ted hugging it out and she gathers they must have made up from whatever their spat was – probably Ted besmirched Italian leather shoes again or refused to go hit on the blonde 8 over in the bar who was drunk even.

She doesn't let herself entertain the thought of their quarrel being anything more serious than that….like the elephant in the room between the three of them that none of them have wanted to talk about for the past five months. Right now all that matters is that Barney and Ted are back on good terms.

While they were resolving their issue Robin had made up with Lily too, telling her the truth and explaining that she wasn't really rooting for Marshall; she just didn't want to lose her best friend. But she can't be selfish about this so she promised to always be on Lily's side no matter where she goes. Then she taught her how to let her out anger by proxy using Marshpillow. It's not as good as shooting a gun but it will do in a pinch.

It was working too, but then Marshall himself came in and Robin hightailed it out of there before any real punches got thrown. They've all heard Lily's various threats on his manhood once he got back so she decided to go find the others and warn them too.

"Hey," Robin says gently, walking up to the two men and interrupting their hug. "Everything good here?"

She directed the question at Barney and he nods. "Yeah. We're good." Meeting her eye, he wordlessly lets her know that he really means it.

"Marshall may not be," she retorts.

Both Ted and Barney look down to the now faceless Marshpillow she's dragging under her arm.

"I can see that," Barney remarks a half second before Ted asks, "What happened to him?"

"Lily happened," Robin answers. "She beat the stuffing out of him. But I actually meant the _real_ Marshall."

Barney looks over to her in surprise. "He's here?"

"Yeah, he just got in. He's on the patio with Lily. I left them out there so they could talk."

The three of them go silent for a moment while that absorb that. Marshall and Lily have forever been the ones with the solid relationship. But this isn't just a trivial argument over who's doing the dishes. This is even bigger than when Lily kept her debt and shopping addiction a secret. This is undoubtedly the largest obstacle their marriage has faced since she called off their first wedding. None of them have any doubt the couple will come out of it still strong, but they all know it's likely to get real ugly before that.

"Wow," Ted is the first to observe. "This is _big_. I wonder what she's going to say to him."

Robin shakes her head. She has no clue how it's all going to resolve itself. "I don't know."

"Did you two at least make up?" Barney asks her, referring to her earlier tiff with Lily.

"We did."

"You guys were fighting too?" Ted interjects.

Robin stares down at Marshpillow ruefully. "I may have said I sided with Marshall," she admits. Glancing back up, she finishes in a rush, "And I possibly also told her she was being selfish and making my wedding weekend all about her drama."

Barney looks slightly amused. "You didn't tell me that part."

"It wasn't my finest hour," she replies sheepishly.

Smiling, Barney drapes his arm around her shoulders. "Well she _was_ kind of doing that," he grants.

Robin lets go of Marshpillow, allowing him to slump facedown onto the stairs. "It was all Darren's fault," she petulantly observes.

"Yeah," Barney realizes in irritation. "He started all this."

"That guy's a real jerk," Ted acrimoniously agrees. "How do you guys even know him?"

"I don't know him," Robin responds. "He's Barney's….." She trails off, hoping Barney will fill in Darren's identity.

"_I_ don't know," Barney says, confounded. "I thought _you_ knew him."

Ted looks around. "Geez, who invited this guy?"

"I don't know." Robin shakes her head in confusion. "But it doesn't matter now. Everything's settled. Let's just go out there and see our friends. This is the first time all weekend we've all been together."

"And look," Barney grins proudly, holding up the Glen McKenna. "Ted got us another bottle of 30 year."

Robin gasps. "Ted, way to go! I've never known you to be such a big spender."

"He stole it from the liquor store down the street," Barney reveals.

"Ah," she nods. "That makes much more sense."

"But it was grand larceny," Ted reminds them boastfully. "I could go to jail for it."

"Okay, don't be a hero," Robin laughs sarcastically, deflating his ego a little.

On the way through the bar they snag five glasses and slowly creep out onto the patio, unsure of what they're walking into. They're relieved to find Marshall and Lily kissing rather than strangling each other. At their mystification, the couple admits they've put their fight on pause for now and will only unpause once they're in their room tonight. Until then it's a time for celebration instead, and they do just that.

All five of them are finally gathered together out on the porch with the pristine beach just beyond them and the sounds of the ocean in the near distance. They're about to share a once in a lifetime pre-wedding toast and it feels like the moment couldn't be any more perfect. It's after midnight now, officially their wedding day. It's a day that, for years, both Barney and Robin thought would never come. They couldn't be happier to have been proven wrong.

Barney puts his arm around Robin's waist, tucking her in close against his side and whispering, "All our friends are here. This feels real now. We're actually getting married."

"Mm-hmm," Robin giggles, leaning in to press her lips to his neck. He beams over at her and she can't help it, she's practically giddy, bouncing up and down with happiness.

"Alright, who wants a drink?" Ted asks. "I'm stealing."

They all cheer as he pours their drinks, Robin's and Barney's first as the bride and groom. Ted goes over to pour Lily's and Marshall's drinks next and it leaves Barney and Robin somewhat alone, off to the side.

Robin breathes in the scotch and sighs in approval. "This smells so good."

"Why wait?" Barney encourages her. "This is our wedding. Let's sneak a drink now."

They share a conspiratorial smile before doing just that.

"Uhh," she moans in appreciation, "this is _incredible_."

"More than incredible," Barney tenderly agrees, not just talking about scotch anymore. He smiles down at her, that soft drunk-on-love smile he sometimes gives her where anyone can see this is a man who's gotten all he's ever wanted in the woman next to him.

"This is unquestionably the perfect pre-wedding toast." He still has his arm around her waist and Robin leans back partly into his arm and partly against his side so she can look into his eyes. "Barney, in about seventeen hours we'll be husband and wife," she tells him, letting the truth of it sink in.

"I know," he grins softly. "It's pretty amazing."

Before they can say anything further they're interrupted by the sound of Darren's annoying voice and the next thing they know their treasured bottle is smashing into pieces on the ground, $600 scotch spilling everywhere. They jump back automatically to avoid the splash and then look up at Darren in horror. After all they'd gone through to get that bottle, in just a matter of seconds he's ruined it just like he tried to ruin all of their friendships tonight.

But the way Ted punches him a moment later almost makes it worth the lost Glen McKenna just to see the troublemaker sprawled out on the ground.

There are shocked gasps and squeals of delight all around, and then with thrilled admiration Barney looks to Robin, knowing that she of all people will appreciate this. "Can you believe that?"

"No," she stammers. She really can't. "Ted just punched someone," she says in awe, and the rest of the gang's expressions mirror her stunned reaction.

"Hey," Ted speaks up, rubbing his throbbing knuckles. "It's not like that was the first time."

They all give him a look.

"Okay, it was probably, like, the fifth."

Lily laughs. "That jerk had it coming."

Robin nudges Barney's arm. "This just made our pre-wedding toast even more perfect," she smirks.

He sets his hand on her back as they all head towards the door. "Come on, let's go back inside."

Robin swivels her head to talk to him as they're walking through the doorway. "Stealing us this scotch _and_ giving a guy a black eye? It's been a big day for our Teddy Westside."

Barney laughs and turns to his recently arrived groomsmen. "Hey, Marshall. Nice of you to join us. And just in time to witness that."

"What can I say? I have good timing," Marshall returns, clamping a hand on his shoulder in greeting.

As they set their now-empty glasses on the side table just inside the door and walk over to gather around the bar Robin has hands up by her face in astonishment, still trying to process it all. "This whole night has been mind-blowing," she tells Barney, adding teasingly, "With you and your surprise rehearsal dinner."

"I'm just that good. But I know," he acknowledges as she momentarily turns back to face him, touching his tie, "you're gonna get me back just as good."

"I am," Robin promises. "I have no idea what I'm going to do," she admits, throwing her hands up, and he laughs. "But I _am_ gonna get you back."

"I'll be waiting," he says eagerly. "But how about we say the honeymoon's off limits? I want nothing but carefree sun and sex the entire time we're there."

"Me too," Robin wholeheartedly agrees. "I want us to be – Oh, hey, my cousin Gabby made it in," she directs his attention to the table in the corner. She nods and Barney waves and then they turn back to the gang, though they remain preoccupied with each other.

Robin can't resist putting her hand on Barney's shoulder and fiddling with his tie under the guise of straightening it even though it was perfectly straight before. She just enjoys touching him and petting him this way. They're only half paying attention when Ted asks if the drink waiting for him at the bar is from one of them. Robin's too busy grasping Barney's upper arm and turning him back more towards her so she can fuss with his tie some more. He leans over into her, lifting his chin to allow her better access should his tie actually be askew and giving her a slightly flirtatious look should she just be playing with him.

But the revelation that the bartender, Linus, had _35_ year Glen McKenna all along manages to fully capture their attention. Barney and Robin simultaneously order five drinks for the group and she turns again, putting her hands on his shoulders and rubbing them while he sniffs Ted's scotch as he waits for his own to arrive.

Once Linus delivers their drinks and the others are preoccupied gathering them up, Robin leans in close to whisper to Barney. "I know you're excited that Marshall's back. Why don't you go say something to him?" she suggests, knowing her future husband just doesn't want to show how ecstatic he is to have all his bros finally here with him.

"Okay. I guess I could do that," he smiles, and Robin heads over to the table while Barney goes around the other way with Ted, waiting for Marshall to separate from Lily so he can talk to him.

"Hey, Barney," Marshall beats him to it, heading straight over. "I'm so sorry I missed your rehearsal dinner."

"Oh, that's okay. We didn't even know you weren't here," he says, glancing over at Robin and barely containing a smile. In reality they both know he must have asked at least a dozen times when Marshall was coming. The only one more interested in his arrival was Marshall's wife. "Jerk," Barney sarcastically derides instead.

"Listen, I know it can't make up for being late, but I did get you a – a special gift."

That has Barney even more excited. "Well hand it over, Fathead."

"Well, you might want to wait until after the wedding photos."

"Hand it over now, Travel Breath," Barney continues to get in his little jabs, like two kids on the playground. He's just so happy to have his buddy back. He shoots a look Robin's way again and is unable to suppress a little giggle.

"Okay, Barney. I'll hand it over."

Marshall reaches into his pocket and now Barney is openly laughing, but the laughter stops when Marshall raises up his hand. "Oh god, it's the third slap. I don't know why I was so obnoxious," Barney squeaks out.

He knows it's going to be bad. He's heard the stories. Marshall has tormented him with the stories, completely psyching him out. Barney tried to prepare himself, but he knows he's still not ready. He'll never be ready.

Yet, ready or not, a Slaps_wedding_ is now upon him – and this time with the slap of a million exploding suns…..

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><p><strong>AN<strong>: Somehow I missed your comment until now (sorry!) but to the reviewer who wanted to see Barney's Wayne Gretzky remark included in 9.10, I carefully considered it but didn't include it in the chapter because I ultimately interpreted it as merely a joke or even a cover to conceal his Canadian themed rehearsal dinner (which was why he was giving Robin the picture) from Lily, who was right there and might ask questions. In the end I simply don't believe Robin literally says his name in bed, especially 'sometimes says' plural, as in happening more than once the way the joke indicated.

But if I had included that what I envisioned was having Robin say "Wayne Gretzky!" in moments of extreme passion like a curse or like other women say "Oh god!" because Gretzky has risen to superhuman status in Robin's mind. That would have then required an explanation to Barney, who wouldn't initially understand and would wonder at first if it meant she was picturing another man.


	62. 914

**AN**: This episode was not a favorite of mine and other than 9.17's scene of Robin floating off like a balloon (easily the most painful and embarrassing-to-watch moment of the entire series) 9.14 felt like probably the most silly and juvenile this show has ever gone. With that said, I did what I could with it, focusing on the overall concept of the slap bet, the slap in the present, and some other aspects of that flashback and did my best to avoid dealing with Marshall's tale (which is where it all fell apart and why the show took heat for it on Twitter).

Also in this chapter (as well as the previous one) I refer to this slap as the third slap. The creators confessed they messed up the slap number by calling it four. There are a grand total of eight slaps in the slap bet and depending on how you look at it this slap should either be slap number seven (if you count them all together) or slap number three (if you count the ducky tie arrangement in "Disaster Averted" as a separate bet of four slaps). I myself tend to see it as the number of slaps Marshall has _left_ and with Season 7's adjustment he had four slaps remaining – meaning in "Disaster Averted" he used up slaps number one and two, this would be slap number three, leaving only slap number four as the last and final one to satisfy the bet.

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><p><strong>Warning<strong>: This is a T rated story but this chapter does include a section that pushes that rating with a frank discussion of things of a sexual nature as well as a brief but graphic love scene, so if anyone has an issue with that this is my warning to you. But please note I did not just throw this in here gratuitously. It derives from something mentioned on the show itself and I think both the discussion and the scene speak to who Barney and Robin are as a couple and how much they love each other. That's why I felt in this case the graphic nature was necessary both for realism and to get those points across.

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><p><strong>Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra<strong>

Inside the bar of the Farhampton Inn just seventeen hours before the wedding, Marshall's hand seems to be moving in slow motion towards Barney's face and it takes him and Robin back to another night three weeks earlier where this all began.

Technically it began a year and a half ago, on the night they cheated together, when Marshall won the three additional slaps, bringing his total to four.

Or, if you want to get even more technical, it all truly began six and a half years prior when Barney and Marshall bet over Robin's reluctance to go to the mall.

But the origins of the _terror_ of this particular slap can be traced to that earlier night at MacLaren's. That was the night Marshall put the greatest of his mind games into motion…..

* * *

><p><strong>May 3<strong>**rd**

* * *

><p>Robin just got home from WWN and she's grabbing a sparkling water from the fridge – waiting to get her real drink on until they go meet the others – when her phone rings and she pulls it out, answering without looking.<p>

"Hey, Robin. Is Barney there?" Marshall's voice comes back congenially from the other side.

"No, he's still at work. Why? Isn't he answering his phone?" she wonders, assuming Marshall called her cell looking for Barney after he couldn't reach him on his.

"I don't know. I actually wanted to talk to you."

That strikes her as a little odd. After their whole mermaid and manatee thing of a couple years back, she and Marshall got close enough to actually chat a little on the phone before he passed it off to Lily, and they can always bond about the frigidness of Upper Midwestern and Canadian winters and the glory of subsequent outdoor winter sports. They have some fun together sometimes, but she and Marshall are almost certainly the least close of the entire group and it's not like them to have gabfests. "Okay," Robin responds, intrigued. "What about?"

"I already talked to Lily and Ted but I'll need your cooperation at the bar tonight too," he expounds. "As you know, I have two slaps left in my bet with Barney and – "

"Marshall," Robin interrupts warily, "are you going to slap him tonight?"

Robin's feelings on the slap bet have grown increasingly mixed with time. She was okay with it at first. It didn't seem unduly harsh to Barney; he'd lost fair and square in a bet of his own choosing. And she could see how it was a friendship and, even more so, a guy thing. Besides, she'd been brought up in a culture that was comfortable with that sort of roughhousing and brutality. She even finds fighting sexy.

But as time went on the slaps seemed to grow increasingly violent – like during Barney's one-man robot show where Marshall hit him so hard it knocked him forcefully down onto the stage, or a couple years later when Marshall actually physically tied Barney down to a chair.

Or maybe it's not that the slaps themselves got more violent. Maybe it's just because her feelings for Barney grew and intensified over the years until she was madly in love with him and that's the true reason the slap bet now rubs her the wrong way. Because as much as she finds fighting sexy, she doesn't like violence when it comes to Barney. Black eyes and bruises on _Barney_ now leave her somewhere between incredibly turned on and terribly concerned for him. If he was the one doing the slapping that would be a different story; it would just be plain sexy. But when he's the one taking the hits she's caught in a confusing middle territory her body doesn't know what to do with. And just for his own safety she'd rather he avoid that kind of violence altogether.

However she tries not to let her love and feelings of fierce protection toward Barney cloud her mind from remembering that the slap bet is something Barney voluntarily entered into and at its heart, above all else, it's a male friendship thing that she doesn't want to get in the middle of or disrupt. But that doesn't make it any easier to know she's going to have to watch her fiancé get brutally slapped tonight.

Then Marshall answers back, setting her mind temporarily at ease. "No, not now. Tonight's not worthy of a slap. Not anywhere close. I'm saving my penultimate slap for the wedding weekend, a very fitting wedding present as it were. Tonight is the beginning of the buildup, the torture, the suspense. You can't just halfheartedly slap a bro across the face at his wedding," he states obviously, as if it's common knowledge. "There has to be some lead-up, some tense anticipation, some mental torment – you know, to show him that you care."

As incongruent as that reasoning might seem to others, it actually leaves Robin feeling even better about this. When Marshall puts it that way it makes her realize that ultimately the slap bet – or at least this particularly slap, anyway – is not that different from the way the two of them run surprise pranks on each other. There's no physical violence to theirs but it has at times put them through the emotional ringer, like she did to him with "The Barney". But it's always worth it for the surprise in the end and, more to the point, it's a form of showing how greatly they love each other that they would go to such lengths and plan it all out so meticulously just to give the other a kickass surprise worthy of something they themselves would – and have – done.

"Barney is the master at stuff like this," Marshall continues. "I've gotta go all out if I'm gonna be in the same league. That's why I've got an elaborate backstory planned that will tie in to the delivery of the slap in Farhampton. I even had Carl put in a prop jukebox for the night. The whole thing is going to be legendary if I do say so myself. Barney's gonna love it."

He will and Robin knows it. Someone else pulling off an epic prank on _him_ along the same lines as his own is the sincerest form of flattery for Barney, even if it does end in a slap. Such care being put into this wedding slap elevates into something even more meaningful than the typical male hijinks of the original slap bet.

"Alright, I'm in," she agrees. "What do I have to do?"

"Nothing. Just play along. Agree with everything I say, act like it's common place and absolutely real."

"Okay. I can do that…."

And so the stage is set for MacLaren's an hour and a half later.

Robin recognizes her place in this and she plays it well, not so much as whispering a hint to Barney of what's to come tonight, but she and all of the others know and from the moment they arrive at the bar they're waiting for their cue.

Barney remains entirely clueless, merely enjoying his night out with all of the gang together, something that's become more of a rarity as of late. At the moment he's distracted and appalled by Marshall spilling his dinner on himself, not once but twice. There's no call for that, and if Bro Bibs had taken off Marshall wouldn't be in this position. Yet when Lily starts to blot at the stain with a wet napkin Barney owes it to all suitkind to insult Marshall's sorry excuse for a suit as not worth saving anyway. And despite the subsequent reveal that Lily actually bought that suit for Marshall, making it a double insult on their friends, Robin can't fight her own amusement at her fiancé's jokes and eventually has to hide her mouth behind her hand to disguise her laughter.

But this is all a part of Marshall's plan. He knew Barney would call his now-soiled discount suit "a slap in the face" to other suits and that would be the perfect opening to start taunting him on their slap bet. After all it's been a year and a half since the last slap. It's time to reinvigorate the fear.

"Ah, yes," Marshall jumps in smugly. "Barney, there's something I need to tell you about the next slap that you're going to receive."

Hearing this, Barney tilts his head back knowingly. Of course that's what this is about. He should have known. But he just smiles like it ain't no thing.

At the mention of a slap Robin, meanwhile, looks shrewdly to Ted because they both were waiting for this.

"You see," Marshall taunts him, "I want this slap to be as painful as humanly possible."

Barney's no idiot. He recognizes what Marshall is doing. He'll even go a step further and acknowledge that, yes, the slap bet was won fair and square. His future wife is no pornographer – at least not a professional one; their private collection is a different story. But despite the great slaps Marshall's gotten in over the years Barney has a unique defense. He insists Marshall's now tormented him _too_ much and made him immune to it all. "It's as if my face, my psyche, my soul were covered in that numbing cream we all put on our deal so that we can go all night. Am I right fellas?"

All the others give him odd, vaguely creeped-out stares. Robin looks awkward on his behalf and fiddles with her necklace uncomfortably, embarrassed for him. Much like his sex with a Stormtrooper fantasy, though again Barney clearly doesn't realize it, this is yet another thing that's unique to him alone – yes, _he's_ the weird one – and she gives it only a few seconds before they all start mocking him and pointing out as much. She tries shaking her head on his behalf, helping him out here by mouthing 'no' of course he doesn't do that. And she honestly never has known him to. But unfortunately Barney doesn't know when to leave well enough alone and obliviously goes on and on with other outrageous sex things he swears they've all done. She's about to stop him and save him any further embarrassment when Ted beats her to it.

Thankfully, they all just let it go and Marshall continues with his slap intimidation. He grants that Barney is correct about his resistance to the usual taunts, and indeed Marshall does know Barney's grown impervious to his past antics. That's the very reason he came up with this new idea. And to milk it for all it's worth, he launches into his grandiose and convoluted tale. It all starts with him seeking to study how to become a slap master, first at a martial arts studio where he's turned away and then from a mysterious young boy who sends him on an odyssey to master "the slap of a million exploding suns", a journey which begins in Shanghai.

The story is ridiculous, as Barney points out: there's no way Marshall could have gone to Shanghai last year for an extended period and nobody noticed; the existence of an "fabled slapping tree" in Gongqing Forest that literally slaps people is preposterous; the hand-shaped "Slap Mountain" in China is even worse; Marshall cheating on Lily by banging White Flower and Lily just being okay with the affair is equally absurd; Marshall's hand turning yellow and glowing hot enough that he can warm pizza by it is like something straight out of a poorly-done comic book; Marshall accidentally slapping the heart right out of The Calligrapher's body defies all human anatomy. And the whole thing is a loose rip-off of _Kill Bill_ anyway.

But the others accept it despite the ludicrousness and it messes with Barney's mind, the very fact that no one else is questioning the validity of his story. He knows Marshall's just trying to freak him out. He knows that…But it's honestly kind of working. Destroying the jukebox with a single, powerful slap is the most effective mind game of all. Logically Barney understands that none of it can be true, and yet with the others fully believing– and actually corroborating – it the whole things seems more convincing. Even Carl is initially upset at the ruination of his $8000 jukebox.

So, yeah, Marshall's getting all up in his head…..and maybe subconsciously Barney is _letting_ himself buy into it a little too – and get all worked up and play right along. Because that's the fun of the slap bet and what really makes it all possible: playing along. For as much as he complains against it, he always willingly plays along with it just as much as the others. Even more so. And he allows it to happen, following the rules of the slap bet dutifully. This bet has been going on for years now and it's become a thing of male camaraderie and bonding between him and Marshall, and to a lesser extent with the entire group, so naturally he goes along with it and even secretly likes to.

_When I slap you it shall be beneath a willow tree with four women and a tiger_. The rest of the night Marshall's prophecy haunts him – 40% because he genuinely doesn't want to get slapped but 60% because he allows it to.

When they leave the bar and begin the twenty-three minute cab ride, Barney immediately starts in. "Can you believe Marshall back there?"

Robin just shakes her head. She doesn't want to say too much and outright lie to him about it. After all, regardless of Marshall asking for her cooperation, her true loyalty lies with her fiancé. But she doesn't want to spoil the game of it either.

At her lack of response, Barney pushes harder. "That story was ridiculous….Right?" he questions, a touch of nervousness creeping into his voice.

"It seemed pretty implausible," she agrees.

"_Thank you_."

"But who can really say?" she adds noncommittally. "Remember the cockamouse? I never would have believed that if I hadn't seen it for myself, so who knows what's possible in this world? And if there's something weird out there, Marshall's the guy to find out. I mean finding a slapping tree or an oddly-shaped mountain is nothing next to Nessie or a Sasquatch. Maybe the tree just has thick branches and they snap back and smack people and that's why they think it's slapping them?"

Okay, so it's possible that reasoning could make sense, but that doesn't explain the rest of it. "Yeah but Shanghai? China? _Cleveland_?" Barney asks aghast. "Last year Marshall had a pregnant wife and then a newborn baby. Like he'd be traveling around the world."

"He could have been exaggerating about the year part," Robin suggests. "It might have been just a few days."

"And how did we not know he was gone?" Barney reasons.

"Well, the baby was so little and barely sleeping back then. He kept Marshall and Lily busy around the clock. There were times throughout the summer when we easily didn't see Marshall for an entire week." Barney frowns, supposing that's true. "And last year you and I were preoccupied with our own stuff. Ted too. I guess we could have missed it."

This talk is only making Barney more agitated. He expected her to laugh along with him at the absurdity of Marshall's story, but she's only made it sound more believable. "Forget the plausibility of it. Do you think Marshall's lying?" Before she even has a chance to respond, he tensely jumps back in with, "_I_ think he's lying. You think he's lying too, right? Don't you?" he asks a bit desperately.

"He's got you all worked up," Robin observes with a grin. She slides her hand over his shoulder, softly caressing him just like she did when Marshall got up to go 'break' the jukebox – a move she knew was coming – and Barney looked at her with pure anxiety in his eyes. Though she knows it's all a game and all about playing along she still can't resist the urge to give him at least a little comfort. "It's just a silly slap." After a moment's hesitation he nods and seems to calm down a bit, until she innocently adds, "Even if it _is_ with the fierceness of a million exploding suns."

Barney's eyes widen and he frantically gasps, "And I have no idea when it's coming!"

"Shh," she soothes him, rubbing his shoulder some more. "Whenever it happens, I'll kiss it better," she promises, her tone mildly suggestive, and it draws a soft smile to his lips.

"Your tree-way joke was solid," he compliments her.

"Thank you." She curls her hand around his leg, gently patting his thigh. "Just try to forget about it, okay?"

"Psh, it's forgotten. Not thinking about it at all…..Except, you know, if it _was_ real," he fretfully adjoins, "the way he destroyed the jukebox, that could do some serious damage to a man's face – and a face this handsome should never even be scratched! You don't want to be married to someone who's horribly disfigured."

"I'd love you anyway," Robin assures him. "And I highly doubt Marshall's slap could horribly disfigure you."

"You're right. You're right," Barney exhales deeply. "This will be slap number, what? Seven? I survived the rest with just a little bit of redness. You couldn't even tell later that night…..Yeah. It'll be good."

She smiles over at him. "Are you _sure_ it's not freaking you out even just a little? Cause you seemed kind of anxious back there. And in here," she quietly appends.

"Me?" he stresses incredulously. "No way. I am _not_ freaking out. Everything about his story was clearly fictitious. Speed, strengthen, and accuracy? Yeah right. Accuracy? I've stood next to the man at a urinal; it's no wonder Lily's always cleaning her bathroom floor. And strengthen? Okay, I'll give him that. The man looks like he's a cousin to Paul Bunyan. But speed? _Righht_," he laughs. "The only thing Marshall's ever fast at is banging Lily. Ho!" He raises his hand for a high five that Robin gives him with a little smirk.

"So we're agreed then," she states. "It's no big deal and we don't have to think about it anymore."

"Absolutely."

And that seems to be the end of it. Once they get home they both change into their pajamas – Barney shirtless with dark grey pinstripe pajama bottoms and Robin in a lavender nightgown – and go out to the living room to catch up on some shows they've DVR'd before heading to bed. Barney sits down on the end of the couch and Robin lies across it with her head on a pillow in his lap and it's a calm and peaceful way to wind down the night.

Until his voice jars her from the program that at least she'd been watching. "There's no way that jukebox was real," he contests, back on the slapping story. "I don't care what Marshall says. He just got Carl to go along with it."

The fact that he won't let this go lets her know he's been stewing over it all this time. "Barney – "

"And, please, like that man's ever had 'much gold' a day in his life," he scoffs.

Robin turns over so she's lying on her back looking up at him. "You're really worried about this, aren't you?" she asks, slightly amused.

"Well…._yes_," he finally owns up to it. "How could I not be? Marshall's hand is the size of one and half – maybe two – normal man's hands. Do you know what that feels like coming down full force against your cheek?"

She reaches up and strokes his face. "Happily, no. I don't."

"And I lied, Robin," he confesses disconcertedly. "My face is not immune like the numbing cream."

"Yeah." She sits up completely now, turning her body on the couch to face him. "I didn't want to say anything in front of the others, but what was _that_ about?"

"What do you mean?" Barney asks, confused. "It's numbing cream. A guy has to put it on his – "

"I understand how it works," she interrupts him before he goes into the details.

He shrugs. "It's just a thing all guys do from time to time."

"Barney, no, it isn't," she breaks it to him. "And you and I have 'gone all night' plenty of times, _and_ we don't have to use protection – which means you've never used numbing cream with me, at least not after we got engaged. I would've noticed since it would've rubbed off and numbed me too. Not to mention we're together the whole time. It's not like you go off into another room beforehand. And we do it in the shower; we do it after I've only just undressed you. I couldn't possibly miss it if you suddenly stopped to put cream on." Robin pauses, eyeing him inquisitively. "So what's the deal there? Pun intended," she smirks.

"You and I have sex many _times_ throughout the night," he corrects her. "But we've never literally gone _all_ night."

Her forehead crinkles in bewilderment. "As in the same, one single time lasting all night?"

"Well not literally all night, but for a very long time."

"Why would you even want that?" she wonders, perplexed. "It can't be for you. With deadening cream on you weren't feeling it…..So it must be for the girl. Meaning you didn't use it with one of your skanks. You wouldn't care about performance with them."

"Hey, Barney Stinson _always_ cares about performance."

"But not enough to numb yourself. And that's just it." She shakes her head, flummoxed. "Barney, you don't have a problem with stamina. I've been with other guys who have but, trust me, you don't have that problem."

"Damn right I don't. I regularly outlast you three to one."

"Almost always two to one, yes." Robin can't speak to his experience with other women but from their very first time all the way to the present Barney has always been very attentive to her. He makes sure she gets off before he does, and their sessions quite often include bringing her to climax one way or another before actual intercourse has even started. And it's not uncommon that during intercourse he'll outlast her orgasm and continue on, bringing her to yet another as he's having his. It is true that in Robin's limited 'girl talk' over the years she's come to the conclusion that she's more sexually responsive than a lot of other women are. She _never_ has trouble and can orgasm quite easily – all the more so with Barney – which explains her open attitude toward sex; she enjoys it just as much as men. But even so, even if she is quick to orgasm, actual sex between them – whether it's rough and ready, hot and dirty, wild and kinky, or tender lovemaking – lasts a normal to longer than average amount of time so she can't imagine there's an issue with Barney. "And since you don't have a problem and it wasn't bringing you any pleasure, you must have been doing it for a girlfriend because _she_ wanted you to...And I can't imagine Nora – "

"It was Quinn, okay," he reluctantly confesses. "….Our relationship was mostly sex – well, sex and me trying to move on from you. Especially by the end, sex was all we had. She wanted it, and she wanted it to be longer and longer and would even make a few cracks about Lil' Barney if I was the first to go off. I tried some pills but that wasn't enough for her. That's why I started using the numbing cream so that the one time could last for hours."

Robin already knew about the pills. He still occasionally uses them with her. Not that he needs them. He gets hard for her more quickly and easily than any man she's ever been with. But Barney himself likes to use them from time to time because as a man who doesn't actually need them the pills have the pleasant side effect of completely eliminating his refractory period, allowing him to almost instantly start back up again and experience multiple orgasms along with her. Since that's his choice and he's obviously enjoying it she doesn't see the problem, but what he's describing now is entirely different.

"None of that sounds very good for you," Robin empathizes, shocked that he doesn't seem to realize the outrage of it himself. "I mean didn't she at least want _you_ to be able to get off on it? How could she enjoy it with you not feeling a thing? And, frankly, after too long without stopping a girl's lady parts have got to be sore."

"Yeah, I don't think she liked it either," Barney concedes. "But it wasn't about liking it. It was a _competition_. We each had to prove we were better at it than the other. If she could outlast me without ever coming it was a jab at my masculinity and my ability to satisfy her, and that made her feel superior."

"Barney," Robin puts her hand on his chest, edging closer to him on the couch, "that's awful. I mean it's _really_ messed up. Sex is a lot of things but it shouldn't be a competition. And certainly not sex with your fiancée." Looping her arms up around his neck, she smiles warmly. "I like the way we do it. As many times as we want, both of us responding to each other, and just _enjoying_ ourselves – however long it lasts. And, yes," she reiterates before he even asks, "it's always long enough to satisfy me; you know that. Promise me you'll never try using any numbing cream again."

His features soften and melt the way they only do for her and he gives her a lopsided smile. "If that's what you want, I promise."

"Of course that's what I want." Sure, she likes to experiment almost as much as he does and she has some very particular kinks, but she can't even imagine forcing him to do something he'd find no pleasure in at all – and, moreover, only doing it just to make him feel inferior and emasculated. "No more of that. Ever."

It does Barney's heart good to know that even in this uncomfortable and potentially humiliating discussion Robin feels such tremendous caring toward him, expressing such loving concern and clearly very troubled over his mistreatment. It engulfs him in a rush of tenderness for her that makes him want to show her how much he appreciates her and cares for her right back.

He grins at her flirtatiously and runs his hand from her shoulder down her side to her waist and hip, coming to rest against her thigh softly stroking her bare skin. "Look at you," he admires with playful affection, "so concerned about my sexual enjoyment."

"Not just sexually," Robin tells him, trying to make him understand just how messed up his previous situation was. "Barney, that couldn't have been good for you emotionally or psychologically either."

He regards her with a mischievously heated gaze. "Well I'm interested in _your_ sexual enjoyment…." He drops the pillow from his lap onto the floor and reaches forward, grabbing the remote and turning off the TV. "….Right now."

Sliding down onto his knees on the floor in front of her, Barney sets his hands to Robin's knees and spreads them apart. Then he takes hold of her hips and pulls them to the edge of the cushion. He starts kissing his way up each of her thighs, first one and then the other, taking his time and teasing her with his lips and with soft brushes of his fingers but only on her inner thighs, just barely shying away from where she no doubt really wants him. He keeps playing with her this way, tantalizing her, until he can actually hear her heavy breath in the silence of the room. It's only then that he pushes up on his knees, nudging her nightgown up past her stomach and dropping a string of warm, soft kisses beneath her belly button as he tucks his fingers into her underwear and pulls them down her legs.

Once he has her naked from the waist down he glances up at her naughtily, his eyes meeting and holding hers. The look that's in them is pure love and pure lust all rolled into one and it makes her knees weak before he's even done anything to her. But he's only just getting started and after one more moment of taking in the mirroring look in her eyes he dips his head and brings his mouth down against her heat. Her head drops back against the couch and her eyes fall closed, the sounds of her soft moans now filling the room. She quickly loses all track of time and place and conscious thought and even of herself, just giving over completely to the sensation of him loving her. What could be a minute later – or five; she's that far gone – with his tongue swirling inside her she loses track of _everything_, blacking out to anything other than the churning waves of pleasure pulling her body tight, leaving her shaking and writhing beneath his lips as she falls into white hot ecstasy.

When Robin gradually returns to awareness Barney kisses her one last time before raising his head to smile devastatingly up at her. Then he gets up and sits back down close beside her on the couch, kissing a path up her neck to her lips. She can feel his erection nudging against her as he leans into her body and she only has one thought in mind: to love him half as good as he just loved her – because he's right; she _is_ concerned for his sexual enjoyment.

Gently pulling away, Robin echoes his earlier move, sliding down onto her knees before him and dropping kisses down his chest and stomach teasingly, tracing over his abs with her lips. Slowly and deliberately she removes his pajama bottoms, giving him the same naughty look he gave her – all love and lust and a heated promise of what's about to happen. Taking ahold of him, she dips her head and runs her tongue over and along his length until he's groaning. Then massaging him with one hand she presses a kiss to his tip, parting her lips and allowing him inside. She starts to suck him, swirling her tongue over his head and taking him deeper into her mouth, but then he reaches down and stops her. Robin looks up at him dazed, not understanding.

Barney's voice is a full octave lower than normal and thick with barely restrained desire as he tells her, "I want you wrapped tight around me. I want to be buried deep inside you when I come."

Robin's expression shifts from confused to smiling tenderly up at him. Because he's turning down a blowjob _in progress_ in favor of the intimacy of intercourse with her, and if that doesn't say love she doesn't know what does. She gets to her feet and straddles him, kissing him passionately. "And I want you to feel every second of it," she amorously conveys, positioning herself over him. "Just enjoy every last sensation," Robin murmurs breathily as she eases down, taking him inside of her.

* * *

><p>When they're both panting and spent but recovered enough to form intelligible words again, Robin lifts her forehead from his shoulder and kisses him affectionately. "<em>Mind-blowing<em>," Barney whispers against her lips.

She smiles and a contented little giggle escapes her as she sets her palms to his chest pushing up further and recovering her knee from where it's worked its way down between the cushions during their fervor. "Yes, it was. And see how much better it is when sex is recreational instead of competitive? We both win this way," she asserts, pressing another kiss to his lips. "I don't know why any woman would want to purposefully outlast a guy without ever getting off herself. I love feeling you inside me and being connected that way. But I'm not gonna lie: I _want_ to have an orgasm. I can feel close to you just holding your hand. What's the point in sex if there's no orgasm?"

"Beats the hell out of me," he replies, still winded.

"Well that's not a problem with us," she grins, "so we'll never have to find out." She lifts off him and moves her leg from over his lap to sit down on the cushion beside him.

"That was amazing," Barney sighs again, completely sated and satisfied. "And you cured me of my slap bet anxiety."

"Good." She stands up and stretches her back. "Cause it's after 1:30, and I'm exhausted now. Let's go to bed."

She finds her underwear and puts them back on and he fixes his pants, standing up alongside her. "….I'm sure Marshall was making up that story anyway…."

Robin smiles tenderly. "He was, baby." She kisses him lovingly, slipping her arm around his waist as they walk into their bedroom….

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>So as Marshall's hand continues to fly towards Barney's face in the here and now, they all know – Robin and Barney most of all – that there's been a lot of buildup to this moment, to this slap that's coming down.<p>

Even knowing that deep down Barney does appreciate the elaborate nature of this slap, this is still the part that always makes Robin cringe. Barney too is understandably reluctant to get slapped. Yes, he accepts and even endorses and embraces the slap bet concept, but reluctance to get slapped is only natural and actually plays a part in the overall slap bet. It's his role as the loser to uphold that sense of dread and hesitancy. That reluctance itself is the very power of the slap bet. No one actually _wants_ to get slapped, which is what makes it worthy terms in a bet to begin with.

But everything turns on a dime when Marshall's hand misses.

Barney can't believe his luck and runs out of there while the getting is good.

Robin also thought for sure this was going to be where Barney got his slap, but she watches in astonishment as he takes off out of the bar and straight out through the hotel lobby. It's only a matter of a seconds before she gets up herself, hurrying after him.

Marshall is in hot pursuit too with Ted and Lily progressively bringing up the rear. When Robin catches up to Marshall just outside the hotel she reaches up and punches him in the arm.

"Oww. What was that for?"

"This is all your fault," she accuses, her protective instincts kicking in again because Barney's lost it and he's running to who knows where outside the Farhampton Inn. "You tormented him too much and now he's freaking out. Where is he even going? How are we going to find him? I know this is all fun and games to you guys but he really was panicky about your stupid story. You can't just get him all irrationally afraid and then unleash him on the city. This is _Barney_ we're talking about. He's likely to do something drastic and crazy."

"Just relax, Robin. Barney will be alright. I know exactly where he's going."

She turns to him in surprise as they continue to flank the building, walking around to its backside facing the ocean since that's the last place they saw Barney's head. "You do?"

"Sure. This was part of the plan," Marshall reveals. "Barney will try hiding on the beach first but he'll realize that won't work; it's too open. So then he'll head into the woods – and right into my trap."

And, sure enough, when they turn the corner they can see Barney sprinting across the beach.

Barney's first instinct was just to run and avoid the slapping, but now he can see at a glance there's no cover here. Marshall will spot him in a second. He needs some other place to hide as soon as possible so he heads into the forest. And that's when he runs across –

For a second Barney actually closes his eyes in respect as recognition hits him: four women sitting under a willow tree knitting a tiger blanket. He takes a second to be disappointed that it's only half a tiger and not quite finished yet – Marshall's slipping there – before he goes back into the game of slap bet panic, this time running straight into the man himself.

"It's time," Marshall decrees.

Barney refers back to the story, begging the excuse of his incomplete training. Just like the others he's fully playing along with it now too so Marshall gladly finishes the end of his tale. The conclusion is filled with as much ridiculousness as the rest of the story, with The Calligrapher staying alive for a good fifteen minutes after his heart was slapped out of his body, but realism doesn't matter when it's all willing entertainment they're knowingly playing into anyway. The important part is that it means Marshall actually _is_ ready to deliver the slap of a million suns now. Right now.

Robin watches the whole thing with a sense of slight foreboding because she knows this really is it this time, and though she understands this is a benign game between the two of them she still hates seeing Barney get hurt even fleetingly and braces herself as best as she can.

"My training is complete," Marshall informs him and Barney gasps exaggeratedly. "I'm ready."

Giving over to his role with gusto now, Barney closes his eyes gravely and bows his head. "I'm ready too."

Robin knows the slapping is about to begin now. And Marshall has _two_ slaps left. That means it could even be a double slap like before and that was so painful to watch. She isn't even pretending for the sake of the game when she runs forward to Barney's side. She genuinely is squeamish on his behalf and simply wants to offer encouragement and comfort before this happens to him. She grasps his arm, her face a picture of tense concern. "I love you," she intensely expresses, hoping that will ease the sting soon coming to his face.

Melodramatically, never taking his eyes off Marshall, Barney asks, "Enough to take this slap for me?"

"No," Robin answers apologetically, moving back away to take her place with the others.

This time it actually is a part of the slap bet game. They both know he only asked in jest and to be dramatic. Barney's fully aware Robin isn't going to take the slap for him, nor would he want Robin being slapped in the face by Marshall or would he tolerate Marshall slapping her. Besides, everyone knows that slaps are nontransferable.

And then it's happening and everything seems to be going in slow motion again – until it's back to full force and speed right down against Barney's skin.

Robin grimaces watching her fiancé get slapped hard across the cheek.

Barney reels back, lurching hard to the side, and as soon as he's recovered his balance he immediately puts his hand up to his stinging face. That honestly did hurt. All of the slaps do but this one was particularly harsh, though it's nothing he can't handle; he suspects Marshall isn't actually slapping him in the face as hard as he _possibly_ can.

"That's three!" Marshall proclaims triumphantly.

The others cheer and Robin raises her hands in the air, half celebratory – because at least this means there will be no additional slapping tonight – and have pained for her almost-husband.

But now that the slap has been administered the game is done for the moment and the two bros slip back into normalcy. "Good one," Barney comments with good-humored respect. "You got me that time, bro."

"Yeah, right?" Marshall answers lightly, offering, "Hey, only one slap left."

"Crazy," Barney smiles. "Where did the time go?"

Barney seems to be okay, both physically and mentally. The two men are even joking together. Robin takes her cue from him and breathes a sigh of relief, walking over to his side, and on the way through she pats Marshall congenially on the back to show there's no hard feelings.

"I know," Marshall smirks in reply to Barney's observation. "It's like slow down life."

The gang laughs lightheartedly at that, at the notion of the past nearly seven years and how far they've all come in that time.

But there's just one more thing Barney has to know for certain. "Hey, was that a fake jukebox?" he questions as Robin puts her hand on his shoulder and starts rubbing his upper back. That little caress alone makes this slap better than all the others, the fact that now he gets to be comforted and fussed over by her afterwards.

"Yeah, yeah. Fake jukebox," Marshall confirms.

"Nice," he nods in appreciation. "Nice."

Smiling, Barney glances over to Robin, and as Marshall starts to walk away she moves in closer, putting her full arm over his far shoulder and her hand on his nearest one as he turns to leave too. "Hey, you okay?" she asks sweetly, massaging both his shoulders while she steps in line behind him.

"Yeah, yeah," he assures her lightly, like it's no big deal.

"Yeah?" she questions again to be sure. After all, he's the one who spoke of the horrors of Marshall's behemoth handing striking relentlessly against his cheek.

"Yeah, it's good," he verifies casually while they all funnel back through the path and out of the tree line.

But Robin doesn't take even that at face value, not while they're around the others. He could be putting on for their sake. Just to be on the safe side, on the way back she keeps petting him with her free hand that isn't holding her shoes – her heels kept sinking into the sand making walking impossible and just like on the way after Barney when she had to take them off only to put them back again when they got to the solid and stick-covered ground of the forest she had to again slip her shoes back off once they got to the sand – and with the inn up ahead she orchestrates it so she and Barney are hanging back just a bit from the others as they near the end of the beach.

Lily, Marshall, and Ted head up the stairs and onto the porch but Robin stops him. "Barney, wait." The others continue inside, leaving just the two of them down in the sand at the porch's edge. Barney turns to her and he's still smiling but now that they're alone and he's free to be honest she has to ask him one last time. "Are you sure you're really okay?"

"Robin, I'm fine. I swear I'm okay." He takes her hand in his, lacing their fingers as they step up onto the porch. "Didn't even hurt that much."

Satisfied that he truly is alright, she drops her shoes to the porch, toeing them back on as she smirks over at him. "Really? Cause you've got a giant red handprint on your face – fingers and all."

"Do I really? Where?"

"Right about here." She fits her fingers to the shape on his cheek and gently touches the reddened skin.

"Ouch."

"See," she smiles.

"_Man_," Barney complains. "That better go away by tomorrow."

"Oh it'll be gone," Robin demands threateningly. "Or I'm putting some of my makeup on you, and then I'm kicking Marshall's ass. I'm not walking down the aisle to a groom with a handprint on his face."

"I thought you'd love me even if I was disfigured – in the hottest way possible," he reminds her with a wink.

"I do love," she assures him, snuggling closer and playing with the knot of his tie, "but black eyes and bruises have no place at a wedding. I only said I'd cover it up. I'm still gonna marry you."

"That's good to know," he smiles, bringing his hands up to cup her waist.

"Anyway….I don't know," Robin considers. "Black eyes? Yes, definitely sexy. Cuts? Yes. Even missing teeth, yes."

"You lost me on that one. Although I guess it does bode well for my chances of still scoring with you when I'm ninety."

She ignores that. "But slap prints?" she says skeptically. "That I don't know. There's something about them that's kind of – "

Barney gives her an aghast look.

"But on you," she rushes to correct, putting her arms over his shoulders and pulling him in closer, "on you it's 100% sexy. Gives me a little shiver."

"Yeah?" he smiles.

"Yeah."

Barney strokes along her sides down to her hips. "Just remember that tomorrow night." But he releases her dutifully, sticking to their no hanky-panky until after the wedding pact.

He starts to head back inside and Robin stops him again. "Wait. Just one more thing." She moves her hands up to either side of his neck and holds his gaze, smiling flirtatiously. "I promised to kiss it better."

"Mmm, yes you did," he murmurs.

"Come here." She draws his face down to her lips, pressing soft, tender kisses along the outline of the slap – first one, then another, and another, with the last leading right to his lips where she kisses him lingeringly. Pulling back, she asks, "Better?"

"I don't know," Barney grins. "Better try it again."

Robin shoves him away playfully. "Not gonna happen," she laughs.

He reaches back and hooks an arm around her waist, drawing her against him. "Let's go have another Glen McKenna."

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: If there's anyone who also read and enjoyed my old oneshot "The Mermaid Theory" I have some news. I was going through my computer and found an old file for that story. I was originally going to make it not really a full-length fic but at least three chapters, but then I lost interest after Robin's canon infertility. But I found that old file and discovered that I have a whole second chapter and ending basically written already. All I'd need to do is some light work to bridge the gaps, so I've decided I'm going to repost that fic (with some mild editing and corrections) as an AU along with the condensed final part that shows the baby's birth. But I won't be doing anything with it until after "Catching the Clock" is done. Then I'll quickly whip out "The Mermaid Theory" reworked as a two-shot, and then begin work on my new Barney/Robin AU fic (I have a tentative title for it but I'm not quite ready to announce it yet until it's set in stone). I'm actually quite excited to try my hand at an AU fic and playing around with the plot. I have a huge outline worked out. I just hope there's still interest in the HIMYM fandom once the show finishes up in another month – which is just more heartbreaking than I have words for…..


	63. 915

**Unpause**

* * *

><p>Back inside the Farhampton Inn bar once again, Robin goes straight to their table while Barney gets them two more scotches. Carrying their drinks over a minute later, he opts to sit down next to Ted since this may be his last chance to do so for a very long time.<p>

Because Ted's leaving the next day right after the wedding.

That fact is only just truly sinking in. The ceremony is all about him and Robin and _their_ relationship, and the reception will likely go by in a blur, which means for all intents and purposes this is their last night together as bros before Ted moves away to Chicago. He will literally be gone by this time tomorrow, and the truth is Barney's having a hard time handling that. He'd like to tell himself they can still call and text and email each other, that in today's world of social networking and modern technology distance doesn't have to mean anything if they don't want it to. They can even share a drink via FaceTime. It won't have to be all that different than they've been these past couple months. Except will any of those things be allowed? If Ted's moving away to put some distance between himself, Robin, and her new husband does that mean he won't want to talk to the new husband and have that reminder? After all, Robin's going to be there with him. She'll be his _wife_. It's not like he's never going to mention her or that he'll send her out of the room so they can talk. The whole situation sucks, plain and simple.

He'd really like to be able to tell Robin and talk it over with her but he's been sworn to secrecy, and he honestly doesn't want to put on a damper on their wedding. Robin knows deep down how Ted feels about her, just like Barney did, but neither one of them wanted to have to face it. Now he's already had that difficult task put on his shoulders but he wants her to have the reprieve and simplicity of not confronting that truth for a little while longer so she can enjoy their wedding day without this added burden. So while Marshall and Lily linger up at the bar enjoying each other's company for the first time in a week, Barney just sits down next to Ted, enjoying his bro while he still can.

Making conversation, and because he genuinely wants to know, Barney asks the two of them if they can still see where Marshall slapped him. That not surprisingly unleashes a flurry of one-liners, and he looks fondly over at his fiancée as she teases him about the handprint still on his face. "A simple yes would have sufficed," he retorts with barely concealed amusement, taking another drink.

It's 1:47 in the morning and Barney's actually imbibed quite a bit by this point. He'd had some drinks over at the rink during the rehearsal dinner, and when they returned to the hotel he spent the next few hours drinking with Ted and Darren. After that Marshall finally came back and they all went out on the porch where Barney and Robin got to enjoy a glass of replacement 30 year Glen McKenna before Darren broke the bottle. From there the whole gang went inside for a round of 35 year that Barney managed to drink half of before Marshall started trying to slap him. And now he's back to yet another glass of scotch.

He's definitely feeling it but he doesn't mind because, the whole Ted situation aside, he's just so damn happy – and the booze even helps those parts of him that are sad about Ted. "Damn, this really is smooth," he salutes the scotch, having another sip. "And I need it too after what just happened out there," he says, shuddering.

"Hey, I thought you barely felt it?" Robin questions with a smile.

"If he told you that he's lying," Ted puts in. Turning to Barney now, he informs him, "Marshall slapped you so hard I half expected his hand to come out of your other cheek."

"Okay," Barney protests, "it wasn't _that_ hard."

"That's not what the handprint on your face is saying," Ted mocks.

"Much as I hate to admit it, Teddy Westside kinda has a point," Robin agrees.

"No," Barney protests. "No, it's – Look, guys, when someone is this awesome they're impervious to pain. The awesome gland blocks it out."

"Oh come on, Barney," Robin softly coaxes, "you do have a bright red handprint on your face. That had to hurt at least a little."

"Alright, maybe there was a _tiny_ bit of perfectly reasonable and manly pain," he allows in the face of her gentleness. "….And now I have to have a giant Marshall handprint on my face the night before our wedding." He throws back a big gulp of scotch, wiping his mouth on his hand.

"It's not that bad," Robin offers, nodding her support. "It's fading."

Barney looks to Ted for the cold, hard truth. "Ted, is it fading?"

"Um..."

"Okay, time to go to bed," Robin interrupts excitedly. It's best Barney not know the answer anyway. Looking to him, she smiles happily. "Big day tomorrow."

Barney grins and toasts his glass out to her, enthusiastically echoing the sentiment. Smiling to his best man as they stand up to leave, he pauses to finish off his drink – and that inadvertently allows just enough time for Marshall to come walking over with a tray full of additional rounds for them all.

"Screw tomorrow. We go big tonight, huh?"

Barney looks to Ted and then to Robin, opening his arms in celebration. "We go big tonight!" he and Ted agree in unison, because he's getting married in the morning and all his friends are finally here and why not have another round of drinks? What could it hurt?

Robin isn't sure of the wisdom in this. It's 2 a.m. and their getting married the next day. Plus they have the family photos at the lighthouse first thing in the morning. They should be getting some sleep right now…..But Marshall _did_ only just get here. They've barely had any time with the gang all together. So she sits back down next to Barney and grabs herself another drink.

All five of them start to catch back up – what went on during Marshall's crazy road trip odyssey, what's been happening in Farhampton this weekend that he missed, how little Marvin is doing, and so forth. As the conversation progresses Barney feels increasingly fuzzy and out of it, noticing for the millionth time how pretty Robin is. It's taking all he has simply to focus on the actual words Marshall is saying as he pulls out a tote bag full of things he took from Ted's childhood home.

Robin, for her part, is enjoying herself immensely. Leaning into Barney and laughing hysterically along with him at Ted's embarrassing souvenirs, her qualms about an early bedtime are forgotten and it's all fun and laughter.

Until Barney starts talking in his Jabba voice.

She'd noticed that for the past fifteen minutes at least he'd slipped into his "I'm drunk" laugh, but whenever he reaches Jabba the Hutt level he is _deep_ in. That's the highest level of Barney drunkenness that exists – past Richard Dawson Drunk, past Big Plans with Strangers Drunk, and even past Marcel Marceau Drunk. Jabba Drunk is so drunk that Barney can't even speak intelligibly. It's just one step away from actually passing out. And now she knows it really is time to end the evening. "Okay, we _have_ to go to bed," Robin insists. "Big day tomorrow," she reminds the group, slapping her palms on the table as a call to order.

Ignoring her, Marshall brings over yet another tray of booze. Robin nevertheless takes Barney's arm and tries to lead him away, but he's already reaching for a fresh drink. Lily has more success wrangling Marshall upstairs and, left alone, Ted, Barney, and a reluctant Robin sit back down.

"Alright," she gives in. "I guess one more drink won't hurt. But as soon as you finish that, we all go up to bed." Barney growls out a few more sentences of gibberish and then makes quick work of his Glen McKenna. As he's downing the last sip, now with his eyes no longer even open, Robin repeats, "Okay, we have to go to bed", this time putting her hand on his shoulder to get her point across as she stands up.

Barney stands with her, and it seems that all will be well. He'll go up to Ted's room, sleep it off, and be fine in the morning like every other time she's seen him this drunk.…..Except that it's not. Because now Barney is in an eerie daze. All Robin can do is stand there and look at him wonderingly as he volunteers awkward personal grooming information he'd normally keep to himself.

Barney calmly smiles back at her as she asks him why he'd tell them this. He's not embarrassed by the information he's shared at all. He feels weird, it's true, but in a good, laidback, mellow way. It's like he's transcended simply being drunk and landed in this strange place of peace and clarity where all artifice falls away leaving nothing but the pure truth in its wake.

"Oh my god, Robin," Ted gasps. "Barney has reached a whole new level. He's Truth Serum Drunk. He can't lie."

"….So we can finally get the answers we've always been wondering about," Robin realizes, blinking as the full breadth of that sets in.

She scratches her neck contemplatively, weighing over what she should do. It's their wedding day tomorrow. Both of them should be getting sleep, and if Barney keeps drinking he's likely to have a mean hangover in the morning. But a chance like this doesn't come along every day. In fact it's come along never. Now is the only time to find out every little thing she's always wondered about and have the guarantee that he's being 100% honest without sugarcoating or exaggerating or trying to spare her feelings or being cagey in the least. This is an opportunity that's beyond rare, one that's just too good to pass up. "Screw tomorrow. We go big tonight."

She sits him back down, pats Barney's shoulder, and endeavors to figure this thing out. Ted claims that Barney is Truth Serum Drunk, meaning he'll answer any question they ask him with the absolute uncensored truth. Well, she's going to test that and make sure it works. Stroking his shoulder again, she sweetly asks, "Honey?"

Even though he's so drunk his eyes are crossed Barney still looks to her warmly when she addresses him.

"When that Bryan Adams song came on the radio, did two mosquitos really fly into your eyes at the same time?" That was his story when it happened two and a half weeks ago and he's doggedly insisted on it ever since, reminding her every few days that "that one time with that song, it was just mosquitos", despite the fact it's an obvious lie.

What really happened is this: they were enjoying a mellow Wednesday evening after work, waiting for their takeout to arrive. She'd slipped out of her heels, he'd turned on the Bluetooth speakers to listen to some internet radio, and the sunset was so beautiful that they'd both gone out on the balcony to enjoy their scotches while admiring the city. Barney claimed he'd let Pandora randomly pick the station but she wasn't even sure if that's possible – and a suspicious amount of love songs kept coming on. Then, when Bryan Adams starting playing, things got really interesting….

* * *

><p><strong>May 8<strong>**th**

* * *

><p>Barney's been keeping it cool, trying to play off the fact that he purposefully tuned into the love songs station. But they're getting married in only a couple of weeks and he's feeling romantic….possibly even a bit uncharacteristically emotional. Finally getting everything you've ever wanted in life will do that to you.<p>

Yet even when he hears the opening stains of the much maligned love theme he still holds it together just fine, thank you very much.

_Look into my eyes and you will see what you mean to me. _

But Robin is right there beside him after all this time, wearing _his_ ring, and that alone is making it very hard to remain unemotional. Then she links her arm through his and he thinks, _it's true; if she turns and looks at me right now I know she'll see pure love and adoration in my eyes_.

The sun is just setting, turning the sky breathtaking shades of pink and yellow, and with Robin on his arm Barney starts really listening to the lyrics – and falling apart little by little.

She softly leans her temple against his shoulder and he feels the line _There's no love like your love and no other could give more love _deep in his soul. And after the bridge, when Bryan launches into the refrain _I would fight for you, I'd lie for you, walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you_, Barney's eyes tear up because he knows in the profoundest part of him that he _would_ do all of that and more for Robin, to keep Robin, to make Robin happy.

By the time the last line is sung forth – _You know it's true; everything I do, I do it for you_ – Barney understands the song for the first time in his life and those tears trickle over, leaking ever so slightly from his eyes to dampen his lashes.

Looking up at him, Robin asks in amazement, "Barney….are you crying?"

"N-no," he quickly recovers. But it's too late; she's already seen. "It – it was just…." He sniffs. "….It was the weirdest thing. These two mosquitos just flew into both my eyes at the exact same time. That's why they're watering," he explains insistently.

To his relief, Robin doesn't argue the point or tease him. She simply smiles, cups his face, and wipes his eyelashes with her thumbs. Her skin comes away wet from his tears but all she says is, "Sometimes those mosquitos will get you." With such love, she softly kisses his mouth, telling him, "The same thing happened to me when I went in for my final dress fitting yesterday…."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>So when Barney smiles widely and freely admits the mosquito story was false and that he actually "got all choked up thinking about how everything he does he does it for her" Robin knows this truth serum thing must be for real.<p>

Laughing a little at the opportunity before her, she's almost overwhelmed at the possibilities, not knowing where to begin. There are so many little things over the years, stories and bragging she's always wondered at the truth of. But before she has a chance to decide what to ask first Ted bursts out the one question he's always wondered: how far did Barney go with his mom? Robin didn't ever want to know the answer to that since she still occasionally has to see the woman, but she's pleased to hear it never went past kissing. And then it's her turn.

The first question she goes with is something that bothered her to an alarming degree when it first happened. "How about that time you walked into the bar wearing Triple X-Ray goggles?"

It was just after she'd broken up with Nick and about a week before she and Barney went to the strip club and he kissed her. Barney had on an apparatus he claimed could see right through a woman's clothes down to her bare breasts. Robin knew it was probably a lie – though with Barney you just can never tell after all the crazy things he's invented – but it ate her up to the core that he didn't even try to look at her. He just went straight to bending down and staring at Lily's chest. When Robin questioned him about it he had the nerve to say, "Oh. Hey, Robin. Didn't see you there", which got her even more riled up; not only was he not examining her but he didn't even notice her presence at all? She'd crossed her arms, regarding him in a huff, because if he was going to be creepy and try to look through clothing to see a woman naked it ought to be _her_ he's trying to ogle. But she was standing right there and he didn't show her a smidgen of interest, not even sparing her a single glance. At the time all she could hear was his voice repeating in her mind 'New is always better' while jealously churned inside her.

But now he tells her the goggles were fake anyway, and with that petty little bit of feminine envy taken care of it's time to get down to something important: the ring bear.

Barney grins at the question. The absolute truth of it will both frustrate and please her, which is one of his favorite states of emotion on Robin. He likes to get her all riled up – and appreciate the end result. However, before he can answer he dips back down to Jabba Drunk and Robin starts determinedly feeding him more drinks.

Just when they've got him back to Truth Serum Drunk, she tries asking again about the presence of a real, dangerous bear in their wedding ceremony but them Marshall comes in wearing only his bathrobe and interrupts, asking for help in bed.

Barney pulls out a bottle of pills from his suit jacket that he divulges he always keeps on hand and Robin's eyes widen as she watches it go down. Early on, that very first time he'd wanted to use the pills with her to eliminate his refractory period, hours later and after several times they'd finally had enough for now and were lying in bed enjoying the easy intimacy of post lovemaking pillow talk. It's at that time that she can get him to tell her nearly anything – and it goes both ways; their guards are just completely down and in the safety of their bed and each other's arms, still enjoying the afterglow, it feels okay to be that open, vulnerable, and exposed with one another. He admitted to her then that, after Quinn, when he forced himself to return to rampant womanizing and sleeping with all those nannies he _did_ need the pills at that time to perform at all. His heart was so not in it – so repulsed by it in fact – that he actually required the medication just to get and maintain an erection. Robin knows Barney must be truly drunk to be admitting even the _possibility_ of that to Ted and Marshall. He swore her to secrecy over just his occasional recreational use of the sex aid with her because he knew he'd never hear the end of it if the others found out.

This Truth Serum thing is undeniably real, she recognizes, and it's like gold. He's just proven he'll seriously tell you _anything_.

But then Ted asks about Barney's yearly suit expenses and suddenly telling the absolute uncensored truth backfires on her when Barney blurts out that he's not concerned about saving for the future "especially because Robin is massively wealthy".

Her eyes widen again, this time in horror. That's something _she_ didn't want any of the others to know.

She only just told Barney shortly after they got engaged, back at Christmastime. She'd never looked on it as a big deal herself. Sure, it will give her the ability to travel and have all the luxuries in life and never have to worry about her – now _their_ – future, just like Barney said. But it's an inheritance from both her dad and she doesn't even collect it until he's passed away, so it's not as if she's massively wealthy right now. Still, she knew it would change how the others view her. Without question they'd get weird around her if they found out – Ted most of all – which is why she never wanted them to ever hear about it. But she can't very well be mad at Barney when he doesn't even know what he's saying and isn't in control of his faculties, particularly when she just helped keep him that way. Sober, she knows he would never have told, but now it's out there and she'll have to deal with it.

She tries to downplay the actual amount by pretending she doesn't know how much it is but Barney inconveniently fills in the sky-high figure and predictably Ted Teds out. He's so petty and strange about money, adding up the pennies spent on her back when they were together years and years ago, making her feel like a prostitute. Barney on the other hand never treated her differently at all. When she told him he'd merely said "awesome" and then kept right on paying for dinner and drinks like he always did.

When Robin finally manages to get back ahold of the conversation again she steers it around to a shared topic of curiosity: Barney's sexcapade stories over the years and if they were true. How many times has he really gone in one night – a question from Ted; Robin already knew the answer since it was with her; how many women has he slept with in one family; which famous figures and celebrities he's actually banged. They slip in something non sex related – did he go to MIT – and then Barney volunteers the number of times he's had sex in Ted's bed. Robin holds her breath, knowing the unadulterated truth surrounding that will cause World War III, but she's glad that he keeps it to himself and doesn't spill that one of those times was with her. They never would have lived that down.

Ted takes a deep breath, processing all that he's learned. "I think I've just got one question left and it's a biggie: Barney Stinson, what do you do for a living?"

Robin hadn't even thought to ask that question herself because she respected and believed him when Barney told her he was keeping it from her for her own protection. But she'd be lying if she said she wasn't curious to know anyway. And now is her chance to find out.

Yet, sadly, once again Barney answers, "Please."

When that same familiar reply comes, Robin gets desperate. She thought she was this close to finding out the truth. It's too frustrating to let it go now. Since he's not being forthcoming anymore she assumes he's dwindling from his truth serum level and she tries to ply him with more booze until Ted stops her.

All these years Barney always laughed and said "Please" whenever they asked about his job and they'd always assumed he meant 'Please, like I'd ever tell'. But now knowing that Barney can't lie, Ted reaches the ultimate epiphany: Barney actually was telling the truth all that time, because PLEASE really is what he does. "Tell us more about this job," he requests.

Still in that state of peace and clarity where all deception and pretense has melted away, Barney freely tells Ted the truth behind his job title with no guile whatsoever. "Well, as you know back in my hippie days a businessman came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered, and stole my girlfriend," he recaps, since that's where the story of his job truly starts. "That's when I decided to become awesome." Here, since they didn't specifically ask about his secret plot, Barney simply tells them the truth of the story he peddled at that time in order to get the job. "But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the one person from whom I could learn everything, Greg, my ex's new boyfriend," he reveals, to Ted and Robin's surprise. "I suited up, used the word 'bro' a lot, lied about MIT and the ACTs, and I took the only job that was available: PLEASE. It's an acronym." They watch him smile as if even in his truth serum daze he finds that funny. "Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything – PLEASE. I just had to show up every day, sign a bunch of documents, and then get paid a ton of money."

"Wait, that's your job?" Ted interrupts hardly able to believe he could be that gullible. "You sign sketchy, legally binding documents that could implicate you for god knows what?"

"Best job ever right?" And it has been. Oh he's done real work too, hard work for the company, but most of the time it's easy money – and mainly it's been the best job ever for what it's allowed him to do.

Finally hearing what her fiancé does for a living, Robin stares straight ahead, her mouth hanging open because she's finding it hard to breathe. She's on the edge of hyperventilating actually. She used to worry about Barney one day being kidnapped by the North Koreans, rightfully so apparently after the way he reacted to his "kidnapping" for his bro mitzvah, but now she has to worry about him being imprisoned by the U.S. government too? Her biggest fear is losing Barney – and right now that's centered around the worry of making a shambles of their marriage – but she never even dreamed she'd have to include losing her husband to imprisonment in her list of concerns.

"Barney. You're being stupid," she speaks up, agitated and extremely upset to the point of nearly being beside herself. "The – the – the company is setting you up as their fall guy for all of their illegal activities," she sputters, looking to him desperately.

"No, you guys are being stupid," Barney counters. "Especially Ted." As if Barney Stinson would allow himself to be used and duped that way. After all the years they've known him do they really take him for that much of an amateur?

No, he's not being stupid. He's being more genius than anyone has ever given him credit for. He's no one's fall guy. This was all a part of his master plan to take Greg down, hard.

Not only had he actively stolen his girlfriend away, which was bad enough – she was the only girlfriend he'd ever had and at the time he'd thought he loved her deeply – but then Greg laughed about it – laughed at _him_ – and publically demeaned him until Shannon laughed at him too. It was the ultimate example of adding insult to injury and Barney could _not_ let him get away with it. People had been laughing at him his entire life. He'd finally snapped and had enough.

When that flyer advertising the advantages of suiting up blew into his hand, he didn't decide to emulate Greg; he decided to do everything in his power to deliver the ultimate revenge on him. And the way to do that was to put on a mask that would match him. He'd have to blend in, gain his trust, and then destroy him from within. So he cut his hair, shaved, and put on the suit – his first of many.

In the beginning he never even though about imprisonment. Barney had a general distrust of the business world but he didn't just assume at the outset that Greg was a criminal; that would come later. But what was clear from the moment he waited on him at the coffee shop was that power and money and women were everything to Greg, so Barney wanted to cut it off at the source. Find some dirt on him that would get him fired – and if there was no dirt he'd fabricate some; he wasn't above that. Once Greg was fired he'd lose all that power, confidence, and money, and the women would follow too. That's exactly what Barney wanted, to ruin his life and leave him with nothing the same way the man had done to him.

That's how it started out but not how it ended. Because he soon realized he'd gotten into more than he'd ever anticipated. As soon as Greg handed him a contract offering him that much money just to sign some stuff Barney knew there had to be something more to this, something incredibly shady going on here. So that contract with the "details" of what PLEASE entailed, well, he lied to Greg about not looking it over and all it took was a few short sentences to get the gist of what was really happening at AltruCell. With that knowledge, Barney couldn't stop there. He went right on lying to Greg about not reading the contracts he signed but he read every last paper, and the more and more he saw the more he realized AltruCell and Greg and the other corporate officers like him were more evil and corrupt than he could have ever imagined. Greg and the company were deep into moral depravity, engaging in widespread activities illegal in just about all developed nations. The guy was a creep plain and simple – a malicious, malevolent, immoral criminal responsible for some truly horrible things.

Armed with that information his plan quickly expanded beyond simply getting Greg fired. Barney was going to see to it that Greg and the others like him were put behind bars for life. He just had to work beneath the radar to collect enough proof first – and without getting caught. But he himself was never a criminal, nor was he just a dupe who signed papers. He spent his working hours very methodically collecting enough evidence to be convincing and then he brought that information to the FBI to take down Greg and the company. However, Barney soon learned that would require an even longer game than he had in mind. With something this big the feds needed to build a rock-solid case. That sort of thing took time and years undercover – and Barney was already in the perfect position to provide them just that. Since deep down he's always had a good guy mentality he agreed to do it….and it certainly helped that this long play would also allow him to take an even grander revenge on Greg.

But in all the time Barney was working undercover, waiting while the FBI built their case, he had to keep signing all those documents, which made him indirectly responsible for stamping the okay on some very bad stuff. Nevertheless, if he ever got squeamish about that he simply reminded himself that if he backed down and quit they'd only find someone else to be their PLEASE guy. They weren't just going to stop what they were doing and learn to play nice – not unless the U.S. government forced them to. And of course he still needed to get his revenge on Greg; in the beginning it was the only satisfying thing he had to make himself feel even slightly awesome, particularly when Robin was seriously dating Ted.

Additionally, as the FBI would tell Barney whenever he voiced his concerns, there were countless moral reasons to stay on and help them take these criminal down, and as much as he downplays that aspect of it, it did influence his resolve to stay at it. He highly suspects they've long had enough evidence to take down Greg alone. All this extra time has been because the feds are going after the other big fish who aren't even a part of Barney's need for revenge. He could've walked away a good five years ago and Greg would have likely still got his, but Barney kept biding his time helping the FBI anyway because at the heart of him he _is_ a good guy. It's something he can't deny or turn off about himself – even though in this case being a good guy requires him to wear the mask of a bad guy.

He's never told his friends but that's the real reason he supports the "bad guys" in movies, because he knows firsthand it's not as simple as judging a book by its cover. All this time everyone – even his best friends – assumed he was a criminal too, a villain, a Darth Vader of the world, but he's actually been secretly working for the good guys all along. And since that's true of him there's just no telling if that hasn't been the case for countless other cinematic "villains" that were never given the proper chance or credit.

But it didn't matter all that much to Barney what his friends thought – that's what he told himself anyway – because in the nearly fifteen years of working at AltruCell, now GNB, while the FBI was busy developing an airtight criminal case, in between espionage to gather them evidence Barney was busy with actual straightforward work, quickly proving to be invaluable to the company. Not all the documents that passed his way were criminal. Some of them were legitimate business deals, and he gradually started adding his own two cents, stepping in with ingenious ideas that saved and improved various contracts and takeovers. The end result was garnering the company's praise and attention until he was given actual responsibilities there that continued to increase over time. He gained real influence at AltruCell and by the time they became GNB he'd climbed the corporate ladder to an actual position and genuine role there, not merely just the idiot PLEASE guy who signs all the illegal contracts they can later blame on him.

So everything about what he's done at GNB has made him awesome and transformed his life. It's been the best revenge plan anyone could have devised. Not only is he taking Greg down but he built himself up in the process. Ted and Robin, however, haven't a clue, and poor Robin is concerned for his safety which means it's time to finally let them in on the truth.

"They only _think_ I'm their fall guy," Barney divulges. "And that's what I want them to think. That's exactly my plan. Because I've actually been colluding with the feds pretty much the entire time. They know everything." Here his face lights up with anticipation. "And now, after all these years, they finally have a strong enough case and all the proof they'll need to prosecute. They're about to make a bust, shut down Greg's division, and arrest him as one of the kingpins."

"Wow, Barney," Robin smiles, so extremely relieved. "You're working with the FBI?"

"You're not a criminal at all," Ted slowly realizes. "Oh my god. You're actually one of the good guys!" he marvels.

"You outsmarted them all." Robin's voice is drenched in pride and her smile widens.

"Yep," Barney confirms. "And that's all about to go down really soon. Sometime in July, I'm told."

Robin laughs, reaching over and rubbing his shoulder lovingly. "It's good to know my husband won't be arrested." Barney smiles at her affectionately, still cross-eyed and clearly out of it. Now is her chance to get in one last question while he's still in truth serum mode. "So, Barney, I still haven't heard you pronounce that last syllable….." She's almost afraid to know, but it's like walking into an accident scene; she finds she can't look away. "At our wedding will there be a ring bear or a ring bear_er_?"

Barney smiles again – and chooses his words very carefully. "The truth is, yes, there will be a ring bear_er_." It's not technically a lie since he will be a ring bearer, as he'll carry the ring. "His name is Trever Hudson. I worked with his mother and he's adorable." His mother was from a circus troupe Barney knew back in his magic days. Little Trever is even more adorable, and it's entirely alright that he'll be there because what Robin's really concerned about is the danger aspect – but there will be none – and if a bear will ruin their ceremony, which it won't. "I want our wedding to be perfect, Robin," he tells her from the heart. That's the very reason why it _needs_ to include Trever the bear. He'll make their wedding truly legendary.

Robin breathes another huge sigh of relief. "Me too." After that it really is time for bed. Announcing as much, she makes sure Ted remembers the plan to let Barney crash with him for the night, and the moment she gets a confirmation nod from Ted, she's lost in Barney. Smiling brightly, she gets up to cup his neck and kiss him goodnight – the last goodnight kiss they'll have before they're married.

As soon as her fingers touch his skin Barney hums contentedly.

"I love you," she tells him.

Hearing that, though his eyes are still closed his mouth stretches into a wide, happy grin. "I love you too."

Robin rubs his back and chest as she gets up – one last touch before she spends her last night ever alone – and she sighs serenely as she walks out of the bar.

Even in the moments after she's gone, Ted watches Barney still smile to himself, looking drunk on love rather than scotch. But while everything points to peace and tranquility this is still Barney Stinson so Ted has to ask. "Okay I've got one last question for you and I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. Dude, you're getting _married_ tomorrow."

At that, Barney smiles again. He's so happy. This is what he's wanted for the longest time, Robin permanently in his life, making it complete.

"How are you doing?" Ted wonders.

"Good," Barney answers genuinely, artlessly, telling the absolute truth. "I mean I'm a little nervous," he acknowledges, "but….I love Robin more than I've ever loved anyone and I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy." Nothing has ever been truer in his life. _That's_ why he cried over the Bryan Adams song. She is his reason and there's nothing he wouldn't do for her. "For a long time, deep down, I felt sort of….._broken_." He was just a messed up kid, a misfit who had no place, and even as an adult he didn't fare much better. He rarely felt any kind of connection or bond and had no emotional sustenance as he sank deeper and deeper into womanizing, into the prison of his own making, until he felt shattered, damaged, destroyed, and beyond hope. For the longest time he always felt so hollow and _empty_, like something was missing, like he still needed something to be completely whole again. "But I don't feel that way anymore. Robin – along with the idea that vengeance will soon be mine – has made me 100% awesome."

And with that final truth told, the total clarity, understanding, and guilelessness of Truth Serum Drunk swiftly leave him like a warm blanket being pulled from his shoulders and Barney slips back into Jabba drunk.

He can hardly even walk and nearly falls over. Ted has to guide him up to the room. But in both their experience that means they're in for an undisturbed, restful night. Whenever Barney's this drunk he passes out almost immediately, which will have him up and ready for his wedding day bright and early tomorrow.

Neither one of them has any idea how wrong that assumption is.

But despite the bumps in the road soon coming their way, everything will turn out exactly as it's meant to…

* * *

><p><strong>Two Months Later<strong>

* * *

><p>The entire ride home – by Ranjit, not some random cab driver, as he needed to be there to witness his glory too – Barney can't stop smiling. He finally has <em>everything<em>. No longer broken, married to Robin the unequivocal love of his life, he's just dealt Greg the ultimate comeuppance, and he's still suited-up and as awesome as ever.

His life is perfect now. He's had his reprisal, he's on his way home to his incredible wife, and the future is wide open to him. He's so happy, so _psyched_ right now. When he walks through the door to their apartment he's practically bouncing on his heels.

Robin looks up from her spot on the couch, thumbing through a magazine. She knew the bust was going down today and all afternoon she'd been just the slightest bit nervous for him, hoping it all goes as planned. She eventually took off a couple hours early from WWN because she couldn't seem to fully concentrate anyway. But as soon as she sees the wide smile on her husband's face she knows the sting must have been successful. "I take it you got your revenge," she remarks, her grin matching his as he walks over to join her in the living room.

"The last time I saw Greg he was cuffed and being forcibly led out of the building by the FBI." Barney lets out a little laugh as he crosses over to the mini bar, pouring them each a glass of scotch

"Congratulations, though I think maybe Shannon is the one you should have been getting revenge on. After all, she's the one who actually cheated on you." He opens his mouth to reply and she puts her hand up, already anticipating his argument. "But I get it. Greg laughed at you. He watched your private video and made fun of you. I understand that required retaliation."

"Yes it did. And _I'm_ the one who's laughing now," Barney chuckles victoriously. Walking back over, he hands Robin her drink. "And as you recall, I did revenge bang Shannon and ditch her afterwards," he reminds her, sitting down on the couch beside her and taking a well-deserved sip of his scotch.

Back when he made that decision to do so it was all about exorcising the demon of Shannon and what she'd done to him. Nearly eight years later, there were no residual feelings left for her at all but he still bore the scars of the hurt and betrayal of what she'd done to him, all the more so because running into her again caused him to reflect on the man he might have been had things turned out differently and she hadn't cheated on him, much the same as he used to wonder how different his life might have been if Jerry had stuck around and he'd grown up knowing him as his dad.

When he saw her again Shannon was stuck in a crappy apartment, forced to take menial jobs to pay the bills, a single mom with an apparently deadbeat baby daddy who'd left her too just like Greg did. Barney had been able to easily seduce her the same way he did with all the others. He'd proven he had the upper hand, he was no longer the victim, and that was all the more he'd needed from her.

"Besides, she wasn't some big significant entity in my life. Yes, she left me thinking you shouldn't trust in love because you'll only get hurt, but she wasn't the first or the only person who made me think that; she was just the final straw. And as soon as I met and fell in love with you I realized that anything I'd felt for her paled in comparison," he explains. "But my revenge on Greg wasn't even about Shannon per se. He took what was mine. He made me feel like a loser, like I was nothing. No one humiliates Barney Stinson and gets away with it. You heard the story; you know what he did to me. Hippie Barney had to be avenged. Greg had to pay, and he did, and now the last laugh is mine. He's in prison and my life is perfect."

"Well, I'm happy for you," she tells him, curling her hand around his leg, her thumb softly stroking his pants. "So you've got your revenge. What now?"

Barney gives her a look like the answer is obvious. "We have awesome celebratory sex, that's what." He glances down to her hand on his thigh and then back up at her. "I was gonna wait until tonight but if you want it now I'm down for that. You know ruining peoples' lives makes me horny," he says, setting his scotch down on the table and reaching for her.

"No," Robin laughs, "that's not what I meant. I mean now that the sting is over what are you going to do about your job?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know," Barney admits. "All these years I never really thought much beyond this point. But I have some options. I was going to see what you thought."

"Okay," she responds with a smile, loving the teamwork aspect of this and that he's including her in this decision rather than lone wolfing it, even with something as personal as his own career.

"All of you have only seen the dark side of things – even Marshall, since he worked in the same division as I did – but GNB was just a normal, decent bank before AltruCell bought them out. Even after that not _every_ part of GNB was corrupt, just the division that the original AltruCell executives took over and maintained as their front; before it was the tennis balls, then it became the bank," he recounts. "But most everyone who works for GNB had no idea what was going on. Even a lot of the higher-ups didn't know – including the CEO, who was so grateful to me for exposing the illegal activities taking place right under his nose that he offered me another position at GNB. A legitimate, aboveboard position." Barney holds her gaze excitedly. "Robin, it's a _good_ position. I may have started out as the PLEASE guy but I did a hell of a lot more for the company, including several other peoples' jobs while they just skated by. I didn't go to the MIT you guys were thinking of but I did go to a great college and I have a genuine degree in economics. Between those qualifications, my fifteen years at the company, and the CEO's appreciation for taking down the people like Greg, he offered me a corporate position – and one just about as high as you can go." He pauses a dramatic moment before coming out with the best part. "I'd be the head of not only the New York headquarters but _all_ of GNB's East Coast operations. I'm talking the tippy-top office of Ted's hot new building."

Robin's grins broadly at her husband, infinitely proud. "Barney, that's great! That's _huge_. My dad is going to freak – he might rebuy you that diamond encrusted suit." She eyes him studyingly, setting her drink down to and moving her hand up to his arm. "But is that what _you_ want?"

"It _is_ a great offer," Barney contemplates aloud, "but not my _only_ offer. I've been working with the feds for several years now helping them build their case, and they're impressed with the work I've done too….And they also performed a background check on me when I first approached them to see if I was legit and on the up-and-up or if I'd been in on it with Greg."

That much seems understandable, and Robin nods.

"As part of that background check they may have discovered some of my fake identities, websites, plays I've run on women. You get the picture."

She grimaces. "Oh boy."

"But," he grins now, "it turns out they were impressed with that too. They think I'm so good at lying and adopting fake personas that I would make the perfect undercover agent. I'm just the sort of man they need in their line of work, so they asked me to stay on. They want to hire me and have me actually work _for_ them now in other corporate corruption and espionage cases. I'd infiltrate companies just like I did with GNB and figure out exactly where the shady activity is coming from, who's beyond it, and collect the evidence necessary to shut it down."

Robin takes a moment to process that. "Wow, Fire Eagle," she smirks. "I always knew there was a reason you were so good at that game. So is _that_ what you want to do then?"

"Well if I stay at GNB they want me to start right away," he informs her, "but if I go to work for the feds there's a little more leeway. I told them I needed to talk it over with my wife and they said that's fine; they're open to taking me on at any time, even years from now if I change my mind."

"They must want you pretty badly."

Barney puffs up, straightening his tie in his classic pose. "I'm a hot commodity," he winks. "But more importantly," he finishes seriously, "it means that if I wanted to I could take some time off before starting…..which means _you_ could apply for that opening for the foreign correspondent position."

Robin's expression grows hesitant. "Barney, I was just telling you about that. I wasn't thinking of applying myself."

For a moment he doesn't say anything. He just gives her a quiet, thoughtful look. And then finally: "Don't let this be your 'I'm a joke' argument all over again. You're a lead anchor for World Wide News. You're a big-time reporter now, Robin, and I believe in you even if you don't believe in yourself. There is _nothing_ you can't do."

She smiles warmly at his unwavering support and belief in her, but that honestly isn't the problem now. "No," she gently corrects him, "that's not what it is this time." When he gives her that look again she insists, "It really isn't. I do believe in myself, and I know I'm not a joke. Sandy is, but I'm not. But that foreign correspondent position is for _at least_ a full year."

"Yeah," he says, failing to see the problem. "But you wouldn't be alone anymore. I'd be with you."

Robin reaches down for his hand, pulling it into her lap and entwining their fingers. "And that's the only thing that would make it doable. But, Barney, I love our life here. I love our home, and our friends, and this city. Yeah, from time to time I'd like to take _temporary_ one or two or three week assignments overseas, maybe even a couple months here and there, like when I went to Argentina. And I still want to travel and have adventures with you. I want us to see the world together. But I don't know if I'd ever want to live somewhere else for a whole year or more, so please don't make any decisions based on that. I'm perfectly content with us making our home here in New York."

"Okay," he nods. "If you're _sure_ that's how you really feel."

"It is," she promises. "I'm not running away this time. It's not that I'm _afraid_ to live overseas; I just don't think I'd ever want to permanently. I'm happy here. This is what I want," Robin assures him. "But what about you?" she asks, turning the conversation back to its original focus. "What do _you_ want to do? GNB or the FBI?"

Barney lets out a deep sigh. "I honestly don't know. The position at GNB is an amazing opportunity, and I've been there for years. But the FBI is the _freakin' FBI_. Can you imagine?" His expression turns mysterious, his voice suave and deep. "Barney Stinson, federal agent."

Robin bites her lip appreciatively. "Oh I can imagine it," she breathes, finding it an incredible turn-on despite the fact that in reality he wouldn't be able to go around introducing himself that way as his entire job would be keeping that fact a secret.

"I don't know _what_ to do," Barney laments, growing increasingly agitated. "There are reasons to choose both, and they're each awesome in their own way, and it's too, too confusing, and I just can't decide!" he shouts. It's like Farhampton all over again when he was forced to choose between James and Robin. Out of breath, he turns to his wife, looking for guidance. "What do you think, baby?"

Robin gives him a patient smile. "Let's just work this through, weigh the pros and cons," she suggests, rubbing his arm. "….I think you might be happy working for the FBI. And I'm not just saying that because I think it's hot. I really do think you'd like it. But I also know – well, I know _now_ anyway," she revises since she's only very recently discovered such simple things as what her husband does for a living, where he went to college, and what for, "that GNB is actually in your degree field, and you seemed to have loved your time there even on a day-to-day basis – and that couldn't have been all sabotaging Greg, all the time. On the other hand, that was when you did still have this bigger goal in mind and this huge secret plot you were working towards that no one else knew about…..So I guess what I'm saying is, would you be happy at GNB if you were just doing straightforward business or would you be bored out of your mind?"

Barney considers that honestly. "Well I _would_ be the head of things. That does change it from just a mundane corporate job…..I'd have a lot of important responsibilities – so there's that." He makes a face, apparently considering heavy work responsibilities a 'con'. "But I'd also have the power to come up with all sorts of legendary things and implement any new ideas I wanted. GNB could be like our apartment; I could personalize it and make it better. I could make banking awesome!" he gasps, his face lighting up at the possibilities. "But I know you're right; if I work for the FBI it will be the thrill of the hunt every single time – implementing a secret plot, working toward the hidden goal to take them down, adopting whatever persona is necessary to get the job done. It would basically be like running plays for a living." At that realization Barney's expression sobers and his grin falls away. "…It would be running plays. For a living. And I left all that behind for a reason. I'm done with running plays. Our little surprise pranks are all I need."

Robin can't help a small laugh at that description because there is nothing 'little' about the kind of elaborate, jaw dropping, and sometimes temporarily terrifying surprises they pull off for each other. The day after they got home from Belize, she promised to meet him at the bar after work but called him twenty minutes late to tell him their building had caught fire and their apartment was a total loss. He rushed over to see the damage for himself only to discover that everything was fine and this was in fact Robin getting him back for the rehearsal dinner by surprising him with a _Space Teens_ reunion, complete with Alan Thicke, Jessica Glitter, Robin Sparkles of course, all the original costumes, and as much of the set pieces as she could dig up – even the beavers and robot were there. She'd planned it all on the second afternoon of their honeymoon when after twenty-four hours of nonstop nudity and almost constant sex they'd taken a break to sun themselves on their private stretch of beach and Barney had dozed off. It was the perfect opportunity to make all the calls she'd needed to.

"I know you're done with plays, and I'm glad. I love you for it. We're married because of it. I love that "The Robin" was the last play you'll ever run," she confides. "But it's not like you'd be running seduction plays to sleep with women. You'd be using your play-running skills for good now instead of evil."

"I would, wouldn't I?" Barney smiles.

"You would. So if you're worried about how _I'd_ feel, I wouldn't consider that back to your old ways," she reassures him, stroking his hand tenderly.

And it's that gentle showing of loving support that solidifies it in his mind. Just the fact that he has her by his side to support him at all. Robin Scherbatsky – now Stinson, except for when she's on the air – is _his_ wife. _That_ is the ultimate, definitive dream. "Thanks. It's good to know I'd have your support."

Robin thinks that must mean he's leaning toward the FBI, until he finishes.

"But, you know, I don't think I want to adopt any other personas, even temporarily and even just for work. Because who I really am – the life I really have – no amount of pretending could ever beat that," he expresses. "I don't want to have pretend to be anyone other than Barney Stinson who lives in the awesomest apartment in the city _and_ is married to Robin Scherbatsky – yeah, _that_ Robin Scherbatsky, the hottest anchor on WWN and star of "The Sexiest Women in News" feature in next month's issue of Esquire."

Robin smiles both because – what can she say? – it's true, and because it makes her happy to know Barney feels their current life is better than anything he could ever imagine. She still just randomly smiles every time she remembers how adorable he'd been back when she did the magazine spread a few weeks ago. Barney had insisted on being there throughout the entire photo shoot, particularly when he learned it would be partially in her underwear, because as he'd said, "I know how these guys are. This is just the sort of thing _I_ would have done – and by the time we were three pictures in I would have had you bent over that chair." But afterwards he admitted the pictures were tastefully sexy and told her she looked amazing; he even keeps a framed copy of his favorite on his desk at work.

"Because that's just it," Barney continues, feeling the need to clarify this point lest she and Ted and the others think he may be a closeted hippie at heart and all the rest has been a pretense to achieve his payback. "The Barney Stinson you've known since we met, that hasn't been pretend. It hasn't been an act."

That's the biggest way his revenge plan influenced his life: he slowly became a different person himself. "When I first took the job at AltruCell I did only think of it as revenge. What I really wanted to do was use my degree to save the world – help developing nations learn to be as awesome as the U.S., end global hunger, all of that. That's why I was joining the Peace Corps with Shannon," he explains. "But I realize now that even at that time I was still searching for an identity. That's why it was 'my hippie days'; it was a _phase_. I was never actually that idealistic deep down. How could I be after my dad abandoned me and my mom lied to me my entire life about who he was?"

Without his dad around and with a mom who constantly fudged the truth about virtually everything, he'd always been searching for roots and for someone or something to emulate, some sort of uniqueness, a distinctiveness that would define who he is. As he grew into adolescence he tested out several personas in an effort to find himself – Nerdy Barney, Magician Barney, Goth Barney. He was just experimenting, trying on different personalities to see which suited him, but the problem was none of them ever stuck for too long. Hippie Barney was something he picked up in college fueled by Shannon herself and it stayed with him the longest because he thought that's how she was too and if he took that on it would please her.

When he first began trying to get in with Greg and AltruCell he was only wearing the suits and using the lingo and the high fives and fist bumps just to fit in. But with time he found he actually enjoyed the awesomeness of his suited-up corporate lifestyle: the bros and the sense of camaraderie, the money, the stylishness and the confidence, and the attention and the women this new attitude brought him. Because once he was over Shannon enough not to be crying all the way through it, sleeping around was fun – at first, but Robin knows the rest of that story; it's been _their_ story.

"I started out acting like a bro just so I could get my revenge, but very early on I liked it. I _loved_ it. It fit. For the first time I actually felt like I belonged." It turns out he'd found the persona that stuck – he found _himself_ – in the corporate world. "This is who I was meant to be. The suits and the catchphrases and the corporate high finance lifestyle, it's who I really am." He started out pretending, yes, but Suited-Up Awesome Barney quickly became no longer just a mask he created to infiltrate the enemy, no longer simply a role he was playing, but who he truly is – with his own personal modifications, naturally. Like a flair for amazing stories, a passion for teaching and instruction through his blog and through helping mentees like Ted, a continued love for magic, and a real zeal for ingenuity and challenge until picking up women became elevated from a smooth line or two at the bar into a true art form perfected with countless plays and new personas for the night. Even James thought his transformation was so cool that _he_ followed suit. "Sure, I like to be creative and have fun and be a magician and blogger and inventor, contributing to the greater good of all mankind," he tells her – and she knows he's not being the least bit ironic in that statement; he truly believes that's what he's doing. "All those things are a part of who I am too, but I'm also a businessman at heart."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Robin assures him, squeezing his hand. "I love Corporate Suited-Up Barney. That's the guy I married. Hippie Barney I probably wouldn't have given a second look. Okay, that's not entirely true; a little bit of facial hair on you is kind of sexy, so if I'd come into your coffee shop and you were my barista I may have been tempted to sleep with you, see what else you could brew up to satisfy me." She makes a mental note to add that to their roleplaying repertoire. "But the point is the guy you are now is who I fell in love with. I wouldn't want you to change just because revenge is now yours. And, Barney, if it helps I think maybe you _did_ save the world after all. Just think of what Greg and the others like him at GNB would have gone on to do if you hadn't stopped them."

"That's true," Barney realizes. "And once I start working for a legitimate, legally sound company and have the power to make real change I can be all of those things rolled into one – a creative, inventive, corporate magician blogger who makes being a businessman awesome again – and actually do that for a living. At the very least I can always try it out for a year or so and see if I like it, and if I'm bored then I go work for the feds. But that's only _if_ you're going to be happy here in New York as a home base."

"Barney, I am." It sounds perfect to her actually, a home in New York with plenty of traveling in between, both for business and pleasure. "I still want to see the world, but if I'm ever on a short few weeks assignment and you find you can't get away, that's okay. We can make that work." She reaches up and tweaks the knot of his tie. "Just think of all the hot reunion sex we'd have."

"And the crazy-intense goodbye sex before you left," he seconds that, giving her a heated smile. "But with me in charge now I'll be making a lot of my own rules and my own hours, which means I can get extended time away even more easily than I could before, so there's no reason I couldn't go with you almost all of the time."

"It sounds like we've got it all figured out," Robin points out.

Barney smiles, relieved that they've been able to so easily feel this through and that the question of their future has been settled to both their satisfaction.

"So you're really doing this?" she grins playfully. "Am I sleeping with and married to the head of GNB's East Coast operations?

"I think you are, yes."

She hums approvingly, inching nearer to him on the couch. "That makes you a _very_ powerful man….with control over hundreds of bathroom keys," Robin purrs. "I bet you could tell thousands of people what they can and can't do."

"That's right, baby. I can," Barney murmurs hotly, and she looks at him like she wants to devour him on the spot. He moves his hand to her thigh, pleased that she's wearing a dress and he can touch her bare. "I am _so_ lucky to have a wife with this many fetishes."

She laughs, leaning in to kiss him lightly. "And you can still be Fire Eagle too. At least in the bedroom." She leans back in for another longer kiss, this time fisting his tie in her hand and using it to pull him even closer. Slowly easing back, she asks him, "So what do you want to do tonight to commemorate this? Dinner at your favorite steakhouse, the bar or maybe the cigar club afterwards, and then back home for celebratory sex?" She looks over at him with a naughty, mischievous glimmer in her eyes. "Or….._or_….do you wanna have the celebratory sex now?" Robin tempts him, playfully calling back to their earlier days when every attempt at a serious conversation – or just about _anything_ – always devolved into sex on the spot. "And then some more celebratory sex again later after all that other stuff," she adds.

Barney grins, pulling them both up from the couch. "I have my revenge and a kickass new job. I'm Barney Stinson and fully awesome with the hottest, most perfect wife in existence. I love my life!"

"Come on," Robin smirks seductively, taking his hand and leading him toward their bedroom. "You're about to love it even more…."

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><p><strong>AN<strong>: The part about Robin getting Barney back with a _Space Teens_ reunion is meant to take place on the same night as the flash forward in 9.05 and that's why it was just Barney alone with Lily at the bar.

On a little editorial note, I'm still behind the episodes at the moment anyway so I'm not sure it will matter, but as we're (so sadly!) coming up on the series finale I'm going to purposefully stay behind so I can write with the bigger picture in mind and keep my story as canon as possible. For a while now I've been considering the merits of waiting until we see the ending to finish my story, and the very odd flash forward in 9.18 settled it for me. I'll still be able to safely write 9.16 and 9.17 in the next couple of weeks but, just in case, I think it's the best idea to stop at that point until we've seen all the "twists" of how the show ends. After that I'll post the rest of the story up to the end of the series, and then I hope to start on my AU by late April that I've now firmly decided will be called "A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings".

**AN #2: ** I wasn't going to say anything about the little review debate that took place for 9.13 but thinking about it again it got me upset enough to do so. First of all, the people who are living abroad seemed to go into this with their own personal sensitivities and were _looking_ for something in the work that simply wasn't there. The line about Marvin being confused and not knowing what language to speak was obviously meant to be a joke, particularly coming from the mouth of Barney (and right before a suit-based joke) and the point of view of the guy who thinks everyplace is backwards and inferior compared to the United States. Secondly, all Robin said on the subject was that once you have a family it ties you down and stops you from doing things you could have done without kids, which is _not_ at all out of character and 100% what she thinks. We've seen this countless times on the show. And then she went out to admit that she was biased on the issue anyway because she just wanted Lily to stay for her own selfish reason. So everyone who jumped on me for that, you're taking it entirely the wrong way from what it's intended and seeing a slight against your chosen lifestyle when there was never meant to be any. But for the record, that _is_ how Barney would feel on the issue. Not me personally as an author, but Barney as a character. He speaks multiple languages, yes, but for work and he's been frequently shown to be clueless on other cultures or even basic geography of where other nations are, and in the recent flash forward in 9.18 he was shown trying to speak French to the woman in Argentina, showing a lack of understanding of what language is even spoken where. Of course he's going to think every child should be born and raised in America.


	64. 916

**AN**: This episode dealt exclusively with the Mother and her journey, and I know some people absolutely loved that and absolutely adore the Mother. However, I am not going to get into the Mother's character or even feature her in this episode's chapter (sorry if that disappoints anyone) because I don't get into my take on any of the other characters and their journeys. This is unabashedly a Barney and Robin story. The focus is entirely on them. The other characters only appear in my chapters as they relate to Barney and Robin, and since the Mother categorically does _not_ relate to them at the moment (as they haven't even been truly introduced) she will not be appearing in my fanfic in anything other than the most cursory way.

I debated the potential inclusion of her in flash forwards but I feel like we don't know enough about her for me to have a firm handle on her character and voice, and we certainly know nothing about her future friendship with Barney, Robin, and the two of them as a couple so it's hard to put a finger on just exactly what their dynamic will be. As such, I've avoided it altogether. And there's also the fact that we don't even know her name at the moment, which is very hard to write around! Additionally, even in flash forwards my focus is entirely on Barney and Robin and _their_ future so there's not really a place for the Mother there either.

And as a warning, this chapter does contain honeymoon flash forwards, so again there is some sexual content that stretches the T rating.

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><p><strong>How Your Mother Met Me<strong>

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><p>In the twenty minutes since she'd gone upstairs to their room Robin changed into her nightgown, hung up all her clothes, climbed into bed and despite the late night they've had was all set to get a good five solid hours of sleep before the morning when she'll need to be up by at least nine in order to get ready for the wedding pictures at the lighthouse.<p>

Problem is, she can't sleep. For most of those twenty minutes she lay here staring up at the ceiling.

The ceiling of the bridal suite. Because she's getting married tomorrow.

The realization hits her anew and she's flooded with a sudden feeling of unrest. Rolling over onto her side, Robin resituates herself, trying to get comfortable, trying to chase away the demons.

She's nervous – okay, she's downright scared – about tomorrow. It's not that she doesn't want to go through with it. She absolutely does. There's no doubt in her mind that she wants to marry Barney. But there are a million ways it could go wrong, and not just the ceremony itself. She'd by lying if she said that doesn't freak her out.

And now her own mother's not even coming. Take that alongside everything else that's happened and this whole weekend is starting to feel a little surreal, like she can hardly believe it actually is her wedding day; technically _right now_ it's her wedding day.

There were valid reasons she used to swear off marriage….and every one of those reasons is coming back to taunt her subconscious right now. Can she do this? Can she be someone's _wife_? Is she good enough and grownup enough and _together_ enough for that? And is Barney ready? Can _they_ do this? Are they ready for something as serious and daunting as marriage? Are they ready to make a marriage work when so many other couples who seem to have had an easier time at coming together than they did still fail at it every day?

She doesn't want them to fail and lose each other. That's the nightmare that haunts her whenever she thinks about the intimidating and unknown future. She can vividly imagine all the wonderful ways their future might go, how happy they'll be together and what a fantastic life they'll have. But then there's that nightmare hanging out there, tormenting her with the fear of 'what if'. What if that's not the ending they get? What if they become just another divorce statistic? Just like her parents. What if _she's_ destined to end up alone just like her mom?

And then there's the whole business with her locket. She wishes so much that she just hadn't found any trace of it. She wouldn't have gotten her warm and fuzzy sign that everything will be alright, but at least not finding it would have made sense after all these years. Now tonight when she closes her eyes and tries to sleep she keeps seeing that empty box, her vanished locket.

She never used to believe in signs and omens, but what other explanation is there? The jewelry box was still buried, safe and sound, but her locket was mysteriously, unaccountably gone What else could that possibly be but a sign from the Universe telling her their marriage is doomed before they even say "I do"?

….She wishes Barney were here right now. If he were here with her she'd feel so much better, more comforted. When he's there for her it's not a problem. It's when he's not that things get murky, like that afternoon in Central Park. She gets alone and that's when she starts thinking things, bad things. She always knew she'd be scared out of her mind if she ever got married – she predicted it years ago – and because of that it's not good for her to be alone right now.

Still, Robin's determined she won't let the fear win and the panic takeover. She's going to try to stay positive and just not think about it at all. That's her coping technique for right now: enjoy everything that's happening but try not to let her mind wrap around the monumental enormity of the fact that she's getting married in a little over fourteen hours.

She fills her brain with other things instead, focusing on all the many secrets Barney let slip tonight in his truth serum state. While some of his much-lauded stories were exposed as embellished or downright faked, a shocking amount of them were essentially true as told.

But the most shocking of all was the long-awaited revelation of what he actually does for a living. Barney's job, his revenge plan and the whole FBI involvement, is something she'd naturally like to hear more of whenever they get the chance. She'll be curious to know if he even remembers telling them, but if he doesn't the secret's out now anyway and she definitely wants to talk with him about it when he's sober so she can get a fuller picture.

And talk about it they will.

Lying in bed alone, trying to be brave, Robin has no way of knowing that in just a few short hours she and Barney _will_ clearheadedly discuss the secret of his job – and they'll do a whole lot more than just talk about it come the honeymoon…..

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><p><strong>June 2<strong>**nd**

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><p>Six days ago, Barney and Robin decided on the plane that now that they're going to visit her hometown for Canada Day in just a few weeks, and they have Barney's big bust coming soon, they should postpone their trip to Florence until their first anniversary – when they can still visit Marshall and Lily who are scheduled to be in Italy through the end of June. Instead, they'll stay in Belize an extra few days. And they haven't regretted the decision since.<p>

When they first chose Belize – which has unequivocally lived up to its honeymoon lure and then some – Barney expressed his extreme desire for Robin to buy the kind of bikini bottoms with strings on the side to provide easy access for ocean sex. Robin fulfilled his dream and she looks absolutely phenomenal, if she does say so herself, in the bikini she spent hours picking out. Yet so far they've had no cause to use it since in these first days of their honeymoon they've barely seen other people at all. They've certainly had sex in the ocean but on their own private stretch, allowing them to go in already naked.

In fact, in this first half of their honeymoon clothing of any kind hasn't figured very heavily into it at all. They've made love in the ocean and all over the beach. That second afternoon after she finished making her _Space Teens_ phone calls Robin came back out on the patio and saw Barney still dozing in his red swim trunks with the tempting white string tie looking so mouthwateringly good she couldn't resist going over, climbing up there with him, undoing that tie, and waking him up in his favorite way – which of course led to making love on the deck lounger. They've had sex in or on every place imaginable in their bungalow. And tonight, after enjoying another ordered-in meal out on the beach, they came inside, made love again, and then finished their desserts naked in bed.

Setting the remnants of her coconut flan on the night table, Robin bends her elbow up on the mattress and rests her head in her hand, sighing happily. "Barney, do you realize we've been married for exactly one week?"

"Best week of my life," he murmurs contentedly, sitting propped up with his back against the pillows.

"Mine too." The panic that was so real for her right before the wedding seems entirely unfounded now, so much so that she has to laugh at her own silliness and half wishes she could go back through time to knock some sense into herself. "And to think, we thought this might be hard."

"Oh it's been hard the entire time," Barney answers wickedly. His expression darkens into pure hunger as he gazes over at his wife. She's lying on her stomach with the sheet pulled down to her waist. Her long legs are parted and fully peeking out the end, and other than that bed sheet just barely covering her ass all the rest is soft, smooth, tanned bare skin. He can visually follow the entire line of her spine to where it dips beneath the sheet, and the sides of her breasts are almost entirely exposed. She looks like a picture perfect pin-up inviting him with her eyes to roll over to her, brush that little bit of sheet aside, and take her from behind. "But how can I help it when you look like that?"

Robin laughs, pulling herself up to a seated position and kissing him, careful to use the sheet to cover her chest or else things will progress before she's even able to raise her next point. "You know, it's been a whole week and in all that time we've glossed over the very important fact that…..you're an undercover FBI agent."

Barney smiles at that. "Not exactly. I'm working _with_ the FBI but I'm employed by GNB. And I do real work there besides – " Seeing the passionate, wanting look on her face he realizes and quickly cuts himself off lest he ruin a good thing here. "Oh – okay. _Yes_," he confirms seductively. "I am, baby." Robin turns onto her side facing him and his hand immediately goes to her hip, nudging her closer. "And it's hardcore….dangerous."

"Badass," she breathes lustfully, gliding her leg over his.

"_Yeah _it is," he agrees, bending his lips to her neck.

She sighs his name as he continues kissing down her neck and throat. "We _have_ to role-play that. Right now. It's too good to pass up. You be the undercover agent and I'll be the informant. Oooh! Or the reformed criminal who's turned state's evidence and now it's your job to protect me. Just the two of us locked in a cabin together. There's no telling what we'll get into – though I think you can guess exactly what you'll get into."

She's practically vibrating with excitement at the thought of playing this out. There is no way he's not going along with it. "Hmm, yes…..whatever you want." Robin lifts the sheet that was between them and slides all the way on top of him so they're skin-to-skin and Barney hums gruffly. "I can be so deep undercover…." He brings his hands up to cup her bottom, pressing her into him. "….._so_ deep," he whispers a second before his mouth claims hers.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>Back on the evening before their wedding, however, Barney's night isn't proving any more peaceful than his fiancée's. He usually passes right out when he's this drunk but there's just too much on his mind tonight even in his scotch soaked state for him to fall into the tranquility of unconsciousness.<p>

Ted, though, has no idea. His mind is too preoccupied with concerns of his own because Robin's getting married in just a few hours. She'll be forever lost to him and he's still nowhere close to finding anyone else. Pensive and brooding and bogged down in a state of melancholy, when he sees Barney stumble to the bathroom he assumes that's all his friend needs to quiet down. He'll empty his bladder, go back to bed, and in this state of inebriation he'll be out like a light for the rest of the night. Presuming that his groom babysitting job is successfully finished, Ted opts to go out on the balcony, look at the surf and the stars, and wallow for a spell in the sad way his life has turned out.

When Barney comes staggering out of the bathroom a minute later, for a second he doesn't remember where he is. This is undeniably not their apartment, but neither does it look like the room he and Robin have been sharing for the past two days. Then reality catches up to him and he remembers that he's spending the night in Ted's room, for tradition and all. The night before the wedding the groom and the bride are supposed to sleep apart.

It makes sense now….except he doesn't know where Ted's gone off to. But perhaps he shouldn't be surprised. That is what Ted is doing after all, going off for good. Twenty-four hours from now Ted will have left for the city to catch his plane to Chicago.

Barney grabs the bottle of scotch from the desk and takes a slug – at least it still has a little bit left in the bottom. Replacing its cork, he takes the bottle with him and flops down on the cot.

Ted's leaving for Chicago and he's never coming back.

That much Barney could never forget, drunk or sober. It's only natural then that Ted's already taking off. Abandoning him and their friendship. He understands the reasons why but it doesn't make it any easier.

Barney uncorks the scotch and, closing his eyes, he drinks it dry. Shaking out every last drop into his mouth, he hugs the empty bottle to his chest. He'll always have Glen McKenna.

And Robin. He'll always have Robin. He starts waxing poetic about her – how beautiful she is, how stunning, and smart, and funny, and awesome. She is the perfect woman. And she's going to be _his_ wife.

His _wife_….They're getting married the next day – today, really, since it's well after midnight, though he has no clue what time it actually is.

Marriage is something he thought he'd never do, and only at first was that because he didn't want it. For the past three years at least it hasn't been for lack of wanting it so much as being afraid it wasn't meant for someone like him – that he couldn't handle it; that he was too far gone for something as traditional as love, fidelity, and marriage; that he didn't deserve it. Now he knows that's not true. He knows he's no longer broken. Marriage isn't forbidden to him.

But marriage is still a _huge_ thing, even for people like Lily and Marshall and Ted who've dreamt of it all their lives. The idea of not just getting married but actually living out a functional, happy marriage on a day-to-day basis is new and scary and, well, rather intimidating. He just hopes he can live up to it. He hopes he doesn't screw it up and let Robin down. He never wants to hurt her or disappoint her in any way.

….If Robin were here with him right now she'd probably say something reassuring, tell him she loves him and kiss him tenderly before curling up at his side.

And that's likely the _real_ truth of why he can't sleep: because Robin isn't here with him. He wishes she were here right now to calm him. Even if she said nothing at all, just having her close to him somehow makes everything seem better, and clearer and easier and more okay.

But Robin wants to follow tradition so he can't have her with him tonight – and in her absence what he needs is another drink. Barney sits up and setting the empty bottle down on the cot he gets up to search the room for booze of any kind but quickly finds that Ted is fresh out.

That won't do. He'll never get through the night this way. Grabbing his suit coat, he heads out of the room, making his way to the elevator and back down to the hotel bar. Downstairs he orders another scotch from Linus, thinking all the while. For whatever reason – maybe it's the scotch, maybe it's because the hours before go-time are quickly dwindling – it feels like the significance of what he's doing here in Farhampton has just set in.

He's getting married tomorrow. This is the last night he'll ever be single. Tomorrow he'll start an unfamiliar new adventure, a brand new chapter of his life. _Their_ life.

He's so glad he met Robin. He loves her more than anything and meeting her, falling in love with her, every little piece of their story, he wouldn't change it for the world. But it's like graduation day. It makes you grow nostalgic and think back on the old times: him and Ted running around New York City each night, Barney teaching him how to live – living what he _thought_ was the dream until Robin showed him there was a better one.

Those days are gone forever, and he wouldn't have them back. What he has now is so much better. But he could have kept right on teaching Ted how to live in this new world of theirs. Teaching him how to rock at being married, a foreign territory that ironically _he_ is the one to enter into first.

But Ted's leaving.

….Nothing will be the same ever again.

For the most part that makes him extraordinarily happy, but losing a bro, _that_ aspect of it leaves him a bit depressed and out of sorts.

Finishing his scotch and ordering another, Barney has a vague thought that he should go back up to bed. He needs sleep for their wedding tomorrow. He can't disappoint Robin already. But he also can't sleep in Ted's room; he already figured that out. And so he makes up his mind.

Barney gets up off the stool, heading blurry-eyed out of the bar. Tradition or no tradition, he's going up to Robin. He's not looking for sex. He's just feeling wistful and anxious and he needs to be with her right now. She's exactly the thing he needs to soothe him and calm his restlessness tonight. He won't even wake her up. He just wants to lie there with her beside him and then he'll finally be able to sleep.

It occurs to Barney as he meanders through the hallway that it makes them exactly like Marshmallow and Lilypad, and it's a startling yet deeply pleasant discovery that he completely gets them now and why they were so ooey-gooey, can't-spend-a-second-apart like that back before they got married.

But it's after another five, maybe ten, minutes of ambling past unrecognizable doors that Barney begins to suspect he may be too drunk to find the way back to his and Robin's room. Getting tired of all the endless walking, he tries a door at random, hoping at least to find someone who can point him in the right direction. But the way through this door is even darker and longer than the hallways, and slightly breezy. And he can kind of smell the ocean.

After several minutes more he recognizes that's because he's ended up outside. Barney looks to the right and then to the left but he can't seem to find the hotel. But that's okay; he could use some fresh air anyway – and he still has his glass of scotch in hand so everything's all good. He'll just stay walking down this road and eventually it will lead him back to the Farhampton Inn.

So on that very early morning of his wedding Barney keeps walking and drinking and _thinking_.

And he has no idea what he's wandering to, or that in just a few days the concerns of the moment will seem like the silliest thing…..

* * *

><p><strong>June 3<strong>**rd**

* * *

><p>Just after eleven at the end of the first day of their second week in Belize, Barney rejoins Robin on the quilted hammock outside their bungalow, carrying a bowl of fresh fruit and mango cocktails for each of them. Because of the complete privacy afforded each private bungalow at the honeymooning resort they've been able to indulge in nude sunbathing, naked swimming in the ocean, and now even outside in the middle of the night Barney can relax in just his black boxer briefs and Robin in a white t-shirt thrown over her dark lilac bra and underwear.<p>

She scooches over to make room from him again as he reclines alongside her, handing Robin her drink and setting the bowl on the hammock's edge. "So what do you think of Belize?" she asks after taking a long sip of the cocktail.

"It's beautiful," Barney answers honestly. "And tropical. Everything I could've wanted for our sun, sand, and sex start into marriage." He takes a drink too, moving his arm across her waist. With the moonlight filtering through the trees and the sounds of the gentle surf it truly is enchanting, like something straight out of a movie. "This is actually even better than I imagined – and you know I have a vivid imagination."

"But do you think you're going to like traveling in general?" she poses sincerely. "I always got the sense you preferred staying in the U.S."

"Where did you get that idea?"

She gives him a look. "Maybe the way you dressed for Halloween, or made an entrance to "Living in America". Or it could be the way you always love to chant 'USA, USA'. And the fact that you once considered it a punishment that I grew up in Canada with American right there."

Barney smiles, acknowledging, "I do love America. And it goes without saying it's the best country on the face of the planet."

"Sure," she indulges him, amused.

"But that was mostly just to mess with you about being Canadian. I think Belize is amazing, and I'm gonna love traveling anywhere as long as it's you and me going."

"I love you," Robin sighs at that, snuggling in closer to him and edging her bare foot across his, letting her toes play over his ankle and along his calf.

"I love you too," Barney whispers, pressing a kiss to her temple.

They fall into companionable silence for a moment, listening to the ocean in the near distance. The way they've lived this past week reminds her a lot of the time she spent in Argentina, only better of course since it's Barney who is with her now, and she's not pretending to be something she isn't; she's simply basking in some much-deserved rest, relaxation, and uninterrupted lovin'.

Barney had been fascinated with her trip to Argentina back then. He poured over her photo albums with more interest than any of the others combined. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why but it was flattering nonetheless – perhaps all the more so _because_ of the reason why. "Remember when I was Vacation Robin and I had my hair braided?"

"Yeah. I didn't care for it. It wasn't you. And once you got home I wanted the real Robin back."

She remembers that! He got very upset because she wasn't acting like herself. He was the first man in, well, _ever_ who'd encouraged her to just be her and didn't expect her to mold herself into some predetermined image they had of her, so at the time she found that attitude odd and even a little flustering. But it turned out he was right about her all along, and it was both unsettling and very satisfying to have someone understand her so well.

"Except I _did_ love the topless part," Barney easily admits.

Laughing, Robin sits up and sets her drink down on the ground beside the hammock. "I can do that," she smiles enticingly, reaching down for the hem of her shirt and lifting it up and over her head. Within only a few seconds she has her bra off next and he hums softly, setting his drink down too to free up his hands to move to her waist and pull her back down to him where he nuzzles his face into her now bare breasts. Robin's fingers thread up into his hair as Barney gently motorboats her and she tells him, "If I'm topless Vacation Robin you have to be Vacation Barney."

"I'm already topless," he murmurs against her right breast.

"I know. It's not fair," she pouts playfully, but her hands roving over his sculpted chest prove she doesn't really mind.

"Alright." Barney lets her go, sitting up now himself. "To even it up, I'll go bottomless for you," he offers mischievously, getting all the way up off the hammock to shed his underwear.

Robin lies back, admiring the view of his trim, toned, muscular body that's already gotten more bronzed in the week they've been here. "Mmm, I like it," she approves. "….I should go bottomless too." She raises her hips to slip off her lace panties and throws them over the side of the hammock. "Get an all-over tan," she gives as her coy excuse, even though they've already been getting one most of the time anyway.

He smirks down at her. "A tan by the moon?"

She shrugs, not bothered in the least that her justification was that transparent. "Meh, we'll do it again tomorrow, get tanned then. Although this moon practically _is_ bright enough to tan by," she observes, looking up at the full, late spring moon. She closes her eyes, spreading her arms up over the hammock. "I just love to feel the warm breeze on my skin."

Barney watches her, naked and sensuous in the moonlight…..and Lil' Barney tells him it's time he join in. "Hmm, _I'm_ gonna be on your skin in the next five minutes," he promises

"Oh I know," Robin says as he climbs back onto the hammock with her. "Why do you think I went bottomless?"

He grabs for the bowl of fruit down by their feet and places a star fruit slice on her belly. It's cool and wet, a bit jarring at first until he bends his warm mouth to her skin, eating it off her. She runs her hands over his back, sighing softly at the feel of his lips on her body, and at her eager reception he reaches down for his glass, filling her navel with the cocktail and proceeding to do a belly shot. Lifting his face, he exclaims cheekily, "See how much I love Belize!"

"Is it _Belize_ you're loving at the moment?" Robin teases.

Barney winks at her playfully and moments later has her gasping when he puts two star fruit slices directly over her nipples and takes his time nipping them off. Then, holding her gaze heatedly, he puts a slice over her lady parts, grinning wickedly as he dips his head to go after it. He eats the fruit alright – but not before doing some _very_ interesting things with the star points – and then he proceeds to lick every trace of the fruit juice off of her until she's moaning and clutching at his skull in ecstasy.

When Robin comes back to awareness she smiles with satisfaction and pulls him down onto her. After another few minutes of foreplay to ensure she's desperate for him all over again, he slides inside her and they both hum appreciatively at the answering sensation.

Of all the heartfelt, romantic things he could say to her at the moment, Barney whispers enthusiastically, "We're having sex in a palm tree." And it's so very him and so very them that it makes her love him even more.

"We're more in between the trees then in them," she smiles, cupping that tight butt of his and encouraging him on. "But I'll give it to you."

"I thought that's what _I_ was doing," he says, thrusting solidly into her.

"You are," she replies approvingly, wrapping her legs around him. "But…..it's been a week. You do know Belize is more than just – ahh – " She cuts off as another strong thrust from him hits a sweet spot. "….more than just sex, right?"

"Why do anything more when we could be having sex?" he poses seductively, continuing his rhythm all the while.

At the moment that feels like an extremely valid point and Robin wraps her arms around his shoulders. "My turn," she prompts him and he takes her hint, rolling them over so she's on top. "We should be having sex, definitely. But there are things we can do in between all the sex," she tells him, sitting up against his thighs and flipping her hair back out of her face.

"You are _so_ hot right now," Barney breathes intently. "Naked out on the beach, riding me like you were born to do it."

"Wasn't I?" she counters, taking his left hand – the one wearing his wedding ring that proves he's _her_ husband – and putting it on her body; it's been one of her favorite things to do since they got married. Then, with his hand caressing her, she starts to set a steady pace. "But there are….there are…." It's so good she momentarily loses track of the conversation and has to start again. "There are lots of amazing things to see….tourists spots."

He watches her boobs bounce as she moves and can't think of a sight better than this. "The view from here is pretty amazing."

She pauses in her movements. "I mean it, Barney. We should do some of that stuff too."

"We should do it only if we're doing _this_ during." He slides his fingers down between them, rubbing circles that make her whimper in pleasure.

It feels too incredible to concentrate for much longer. She's quickly going to lose herself in him, and she _wants_ to lose herself in him, so she hurries to finish her thought. "Our honeymoon doesn't have to be all sex." As a counterargument he pinches her between his fingers with just the right amount of friction and pressure, making her jolt in pure bliss. "Just 90% sex," she moans, biting her lower lip.

Barney moves both his hands to her hips using the leverage to thrust up into her and they both groan. "How bout we talk about this later?"

"How bout we make a bet?" Robin counters, grinding down hard and eliciting a pleasured grunt from her husband. "I can get you to love all the touristy things even without having sex in the middle of them."

"And what if I don't?"

"Then we have sex in the middle of them," she says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "We'll have sex in the middle of it…..even if someone might see." She moans at that thought, at the possibility of getting caught, and her motions take on added vigor.

"What do you get if you win?" Barney questions, his voice deep and erotically breathless.

Robin loves to talk sometimes during sex just to hear what she's dubbed Barney's 'sex voice'. It is incontestably_ the_ sexiest thing she's ever heard and can get her the rest of the way there on his voice alone. "If I win, we have sex _afterwards_."

"So sex either way," he grins. "I like this arrangement."

He pulls her down for a long tongue-tangling kiss that she equally indulges in, but afterwards she uses his chest to push herself back up again. "Hold on."

Barney reaches up and cups both her breasts, his thumbs playing over her nipples. "I am," he says in his sex voice – and sweet timbits it just does something to her.

She smiles amorously, arching her back and pressing herself further into his hands. "I wasn't finished," she explains, panting. "The sex afterwards was a given anyway. I get an extra prize."

"Listening….." Robin rolls her hips, shimmies just right, and his eyes go crossed in extreme enjoyment. "….Barely," Barney mumbles.

She smirks and repeats the motion, feeling herself building close to the edge too. "If I win and you love it sex-free, then before we leave you have to get your hair braided like Vacation Barney – and wear it home that way."

That gets his full attention even during the midst of the hot sex they're having. "_What_?"

"Don't tell me you're afraid?" Robin queries, her tone breathy and silken, her hips doing something men would kill to experience.

And he'll take that bet. No sightseeing could ever be enjoyable in the face of the knowledge that they could be back in their bungalow doing this. "Challenge accepted," Barney agrees.

She grins at his capitulation. "Should we shake on it?" she asks teasingly since he's already inside of her and they're moving together and it literally couldn't get more intimate and entangled than this.

"Get over here, you little minx," he smirks and pulls her back down against him, flipping them over and proceeding to go crazy on her until they're both trembling with pleasure and coming hard together.

Over the rest of their honeymoon they play out Robin's challenge. They start out simple – exploring the resort, dining in the restaurants instead of ordering in, having a couple's message – and Barney actually enjoys himself without any fooling around. The next afternoon because it was recommended to them they go for a hike in the rainforest, but it's tiresome and boring and he convinces her to stay back with him and do it under a waterfall after the rest of the group goes on with the hike. And just like that they're caught up, neck-in-neck in their bet.

But from then on it's a landslide as Robin finds their tourist forte. Barney loves the jaguars in the Belize Zoo, and one of the little thatched roof open-air bars at their resort becomes his honorary MacLaren's. After that she broadens their horizons a bit, knowing Barney will love the more adventurous things if he only gives them a chance; those sorts of exploits are just the thing for a man who once insisted on breaking and entering to lick the Liberty Bell. And she's right. Cave tubing is deemed "pretty awesome" by her husband. Snorkeling at Tobacco Caye is a hit too, and diving along the Belize Barrier Reef is his favorite of all. Before their trip is over Barney himself even asks if they can go diving again at the Great Blue Hole.

There's still lovemaking – a _ton_ of lovemaking, before and after – but they manage to enjoy themselves for hours on end doing other activities too, and all without getting further than a fleeting stop at second base during. Alright, there is that one time where they have sex in the bathroom of the bar, and then again out in the shallow waters on the public beach finally making use of the easy access bikini she bought, but _she'd_ started it both times.

So, on their second to last night in Belize, Robin takes a copious amount of pictures as Barney gets his blonde hair island braided, true to his word.


	65. 917

**AN**: Happy Barney/Robin wedding day!

* * *

><p><strong>Sunrise<strong>

* * *

><p>Robin's still not sleeping but she's trying her best when she hears a knock at her door. Pulling herself up to a seated position she grabs her phone off the nightstand to check the time. It's just after four in the morning. There's only one person who could be here at this hour. She certainly hopes it's that person because she's been wanting him too.<p>

She doesn't know why he doesn't use his key though. Maybe he's lost it again. Or he's still too drunk to find it. It's also possible he didn't want to frighten her by just showing up in their room.

Setting her phone down, she tosses back the covers and gets out of bed, padding barefoot across the room in a rush to let her fiancé in. As soon as she has the door half-open she's already calling his name. "Barn – Oh," she corrects in disappointment, seeing it isn't him at the door after all. "Ted. What are you doing here?"

"Did you just say Barney? Did you think I was Barney at the door?" he asks hastily.

Robin looks away, slightly embarrassed to be caught being so obviously needy and anxious to reunite with the man she evidently can't spend a restful night away from. "Well….yes," she eventually admits.

"So he's not here with you then?"

"No." She gives him an odd look as he should certainly know that. "He's with you." Suddenly cognizant of the fact that she's standing there in a thin nightgown and it wasn't Barney at the door, she turns and walks over to the stool at the foot of the bed. "Are you drunk now too?" she asks as she slips on her robe.

"No, I…." This time it's Ted who hesitates, ashamed to admit his failure. He didn't want to wake her up if he didn't have to. He'd hoped to rectify this on his own without Robin ever knowing. "Barney was with me in my room," he grants, "but then I went out on the balcony….and I was listening to this woman in the next room singing – "

"Classic Smosby," she interrupts, snickering.

She has no idea this is no laughing matter and Ted dreads being the one to break it to her. "When I got back inside, Barney was gone."

"What?" Robin questions, her smile fading away.

"He's gone."

She huffs out a breath, crossing her arms over her chest. "Seriously, Ted? Your one job as the best man was _not_ to lose the groom."

"I'm sorry! When I came back in the room all that was left on his cot was an empty bottle of Glen McKenna."

Her eyes widen. "You let him have more?" She's starting to think she might have been wrong before to assume he'd make a great best man. After all, he may have gotten Marshall down the aisle but he let him shave his head first.

"Barney ordered up the rest of the bottle we'd been sharing at the bar," Ted says sheepishly.

"How much was left in it?" Robin sighs, trying to keep a clear head and deal with this logically. Where Barney was going and how far he's gotten by now may depend on how drunk he still is.

"I don't know," Ted concedes ruefully. "It couldn't have been that much." He can see this is frustrating to her and he can't blame her. This is the morning of her wedding. She should be sleeping right now. "I'm sorry I wasn't watching him."

"Well, knowing Barney he probably just went down to the bar looking for more," she shrugs it off, crossing over to the bed for her slippers. She'll need them to head downstairs to fetch her inebriated fiancé.

Ted shakes his head regretfully. "No. That was the first place I checked before I came to get you. He wasn't there."

Hearing that, Robin feels a little anxious now. If Barney didn't go down to the bar where else would he go? For a minute her mind starts to panic, envisioning the realization of all her worst fears. Her soon-to-husband has run off somewhere. On the night before his wedding. He could easily do something crazy and reckless. All guys get a little crazy right before their wedding, and this is _Barney Stinson_, the guy who swore he'd never get married. How could _he_ not have at least one major freak-out? And this could be it…..Or what if he's run out on her entirely and he's not coming back? There's a part of her that's been waiting for the other shoe to drop ever since they got engaged; it's what caused her panic at the carousel…..

But she quickly reminds herself that she jumped to the wrong conclusion once already and it wasn't warranted. Though sad, the news of James's divorce was barely a blip on the radar for Barney. That experience taught her that she has to trust and have more faith in people not to hurt her or let her down, even the people who she's most vulnerable to – and that applies to Barney most of all.

"Alright," she tells Ted, trying to remain level-headed and calm as if it's no big deal at all. "Just watch the halls in case he comes back. I'll throw some clothes on and meet you in five minutes."

Once she's alone again she doesn't give herself time to think. She just goes into default mode. There's a job that needs to be done. Barney is missing and they have to find him. She won't allow her brain to contemplate anything further than that.

Grabbing the first comfortable clothes she can find – jeans, a grey t-shirt, and her black hoodie – Robin slips into her nearest pair of sandals and goes to meet Ted.

For the next half an hour they look all over the hotel but Barney isn't anywhere on the grounds. After that they decide to look out on the beach in case he wandered out there like he had when Marshall tried to slap him. But they can't find him in the forest either so they continue further down the beach in hopes to happen upon him off-property, reasoning that perhaps in his confusion he thought it was time for their photos and had gone to the lighthouse early. However their efforts there are fruitless too, and by now it's been an hour with no sign of him at all. What's more, Barney hasn't answered any of their calls or texts.

But Robin is endeavoring to stay calm and collected about it all, like this sort of thing happens every day. As they head back to the hotel, still without her fiancé, she knows that if she allows herself to really think about the enormity of Barney's sudden disappearance her mind will conjure up potential runaway groom situations – or one last night of debauchery scenarios, which are equally disturbing.

"Where could Barney be?" Ted mumbles as they walk along, both carrying their sandals because it's easier to maneuver in the sand barefoot.

"Oh relax," Robin admonishes him. "He always finds his way home," she reasons, trying her best to appear nonchalant and unconcerned. But even if Barney does find his way back, the question is where has he been? The only place left they haven't looked is up the road but there's not much there beyond the church across the street, the marina, some beach houses, and then in the little city proper a convenience store, the ice rink, and a few little restaurants that would be closed by now…..and on the way there's that strip club Curtis told them both about.

Surely Barney wouldn't go that crazy. Right? He hadn't before. He wouldn't do that to her. Although he _is_ drunk. Off his ass drunk; Ted said he barely seemed to know what he was even doing. And he's always had a thing for strippers….and never got that bachelor party lap dance from one – or whatever else he intended to do with her doing their "alone time". Perhaps he figured better late than never?

But _no_. She owes him more credit than that. She was right the first time. Barney loves her and this is all just innocent and wherever he's gone off to he'll find his way back home soon. It's as simple as that.

"Saint Patrick's Day 2008. He did not find his way home that night," Ted points out, and the topic provides a welcome distraction.

Barney had shared that story with her right away. The next morning after he woke up he called her to meet him for breakfast – more like brunch by that time, though neither one of them would have _ever_ admitted that – and he told her everything that happened at the club the night before. So now she sighs good-naturedly because the gang has had this argument many times, and of course she's always sided with Barney. "That dumpster was a block from his apartment. I call that a win." Then she tells the joke she'd told Barney the morning after it happened. "Also, that isn't the filthiest trash he's ever slept with. Ho! My future husband, folks."

Robin laughs if a little uneasily, because while she doesn't mind the fact of Barney's past – it's a part of their story and she loves their story – there are times like right now when he's drunk and gone missing that she still gets a little afraid of it, like how living that way for so long might affect their future and if she'll still be able to compete with all that five years down the line. "….Or maybe he bailed on the wedding." She shrugs offhandedly, not wanting to admit that a small part of her actually has that worry.

"Oh come on. Don't even think like that."

She'd wanted to pass it off as a joke but Ted's response makes it real and now she's forced to consider the fear that's been there at the edge of her mind. Her eyes slide down to the sand and her smile reduces as she mentions, "Well, he's terrified of commitment." He had panic attacks the moment they started making actual wedding plans. "Although ironically _loves_ being tied down," she adds, and now her mind can't help going to a pleasanter place, back to Friday night and what fun they'd had together doing just that.

Even afterwards, slipping out of Night Falcon and Fire Eagle mode back to simply Robin and Barney, he'd held her in his arms and told her how awesome she is and how much he loves her before they drifted off to sleep. And he _does_ love her. She knows that's true. After all the times they've shared and how much they mean to each other she knows he wouldn't run out on her, or cheat on her, or do anything close to that. No matter how it might seem right now she just has to hold onto that and stick to that belief.

Ted too assures her that Barney is no Stella. Robin smiles but she's eager to change the subject and asks him if he's talked to Stella lately – though given their history and the sore point of _The Wedding Bride_ films she already knows the answer. Ted, of course, tells her a resounding no and she laughs, patting his arm and offering the consoling lie that that the film wasn't really that funny anyway. Still, she has to admit that Stella was pretty great. You know, until she left Ted at the altar…But she doesn't want to think about those kinds of scenarios right now. "You know, I liked Stella. Even though she broke your heart I'd still put her in your top five."

That statement opens up a whole can of worms as Ted asks her to name them all out, and she does, lingering with an affectionate laugh on, "Marshall, that time you guys pretended to be a couple when Barney was trying to sell the apartment." Despite their initial bickering over selling his once Fortress, that turned out to be a memorably funny afternoon – and an even better night after both she and Barney were ready to give over to what the other wanted just to make one another happy and to fully accept every aspect of each other.

Robin keeps going, feeling even further comforted now, and rounds off the countdown with Victoria as number one, confessing to Ted that the list was a concoction of the running email chain between her, Lily, Marshall, and Barney about all of Ted's wacky girlfriends, the inconsequential and nitpicky reasons he dumped a lot of them, why he's still alone, and so forth. Since they've got time to kill while walking back to the inn, to keep her mind preoccupied she asks the question she's always wondered about but never quite wanted to approach.

"Can I be honest?" she starts out, even in the face of the warning bells sounding off in her head cautioning her not to dabble here. But what can it hurt? They're friends, aren't they? Friends talk about this kind of stuff. "Um, it was kind of crazy how all of the sudden it was just over between you and Victoria." Ted being Ted, after his long history with Victoria she'd expected him to propose any day, not end things just like that. "Why would you break up?" she questions, stopping to look him dead-on because she's long suspected there's something more to this story than what he's told them. Again, her subconscious warns her she doesn't really want to hear his answer, but she ignores it. "What happened?"

Ted grows cagey and evasive in response to her question, making those warning bells sound even louder. And when he finally comes out with it – "We broke up because of you" – all at once it's like a freaking bell choir in Robin's head.

* * *

><p>A mile away, Barney continues staggering down the road. He still hasn't found the hotel, and for the first half of the walk he kept hearing buzzing and ringing coming from somewhere nearby. He must be way more drunk than he thought.<p>

He hiccups, stepping blurry-eyed out of the shadows, and almost stumbles directly into two guys – by the looks of them college kids, probably fresh from a party. There are beach houses up and down this stretch of Farhampton that are frequently rented out for the summer to the local co-eds on break.

Barney backs up and gives them a good steady look and it's like looking at the two ends of time. These boys are just starting out in the game; young, clean slates with years' worth of adventures and self-discovery ahead of them. He, on the other hand, is pushing forty and has learned many times over that there are, sadly, some things he now has to throw up his hands and admit "I'm too old for that stuff!". While forty is by no means old nowadays, and he'll always stay young at heart, and he still plans to have many more adventures with Robin in their married life, the days of broing out like these two – with him and Ted taking on the city – are completely over now.

Ted's leaving. There will be no more teaching him how to live, no more setups at the bar, no more "Have you met Ted?".

Actually these boys rather remind him of Ted when Barney first met him. Fashion inept, drenched in cheap cologne, obviously having just struck out all night, heading home alone and defeated. Just like Ted was on their first meeting, these boys are in need of a world of knowledge he alone can impart.

It's lucky he happened upon them. The circle of life and all that. His days in the game are done. That world is not for him anymore. But he needs to pass on everything he knew about ruling the land of singledom or else who will there be to carry on the lifestyle? He's getting married. Ted's leaving New York. He has to leave his legacy with someone who will keep it alive and well in the city. And it's good that there are two of them. He can only be their Broda for a little while tonight. After that they're on their own, and you should always have a bro with you to make it all worthwhile.

"Boys, today is your lucky day. Because today I'm going to teach you how to – " Barney's stomach revolts and after pausing to throw up, which actually makes him feel a lot better and more clear-headed, he finishes, " – live."

Yes, these two will be his new protégées. Now, what's the first step in teaching them how to live?

It only takes him half a second to decide it _has_ to be a visit to the very place that he and Ted began.

But before he can come out with it, the one in the hoodie actually pulls a Ted in response and starts skeptically questioning how exactly he plans to teach them how to live. Barney just ignores it. It actually makes him feel more at home, more like old times.

When he eventually lets them in on their first stop for the night, Hoodie questions him again. "Strip club? We're in the middle of nowhere."

And that's Barney's first chance to impart some sage wisdom. "There is _always_ a strip club." Strip clubs are the backbone of legendary nights with two single bros out on the town looking for some action. Then if they're not interested in continuing to pay for their pleasure, it's off to the bar or the club next. Or, in their case, the party.

As soon as the words are out of his mouth the boys are suitably impressed at what they imagine to be his conjuring up of this particular strip club out of nowhere. In reality, Barney had actually seen The Crab Shed on the other side of the road when he'd passed by earlier, still looking for the Farhampton Inn. Before he had no interest in it. This time he's going inside. But only for the edification of these hapless boys who will clearly need intensive training if they ever hope to pick up even one girl. Already he uses the "Gentlemen's Club" sign as their first lesson, but these two are just as big of Teds as Ted was. He has a feeling this could take a while.

* * *

><p>Robin takes a second to process what Ted's just said. She'd wanted to hear it was because of Victoria's messiness, or his past resentment that she'd taken off to Germany, or the problems caused by having Klaus live with them – or anything, really, other than what she's just heard.<p>

"She was uncomfortable with our history," Ted explains, "and she didn't want me to continue our friendship. It was either marry Victoria and stop seeing you or breakup. So I broke up with her."

Robin's stomach twists into knots at that. But then as the reality of it sets in – and the unspoken implication that goes along with that reality – her resentment and irritation start to grow. Because this isn't right. What she suspects is the real truth behind it – and not Victoria expressing unreasonable discomfort over something that happened more than seven years ago – just isn't right. It isn't fair to her, to put that burden on her. He shouldn't be making major life decisions and throwing away perfectly good relationships on her account. And certainly not because of _their_ long-ago history.

"_Ted_," Robin scolds him, shaking her head like she can hardly believe it – and she can't. She throws her arms out, dumbfounded, and tells him what he should already recognize by now: that he needs to be living his life without thinking about where she fits into it. "I would have understood, you know? I mean if you told me that we couldn't be friends anymore I – I mean I wouldn't have liked it but, god, I would have understood." The more she thinks about it the more annoyed and angry she becomes that he did this because of her. She never asked for that. She doesn't want it. She doesn't want special consideration from Ted or him making choices with her in mind. That shouldn't be happening.

"I could never do that," he says quietly, and his tone and the way he's looking at her makes her frustration grow.

"_Why not_?" she persists, visibly exasperated and indignant.

Ted starts acting all cagey again and it only increases her resentment. He needs to just come out with it already, have it all out right now. What other choices has he made with her in mind? What other involvement has she had in the events of his life without even knowing it? It's an unwelcome and disturbing thought and she insists Ted tell her why he could simply never let go of her friendship even to get married.

When he flat-out refuses to tell her she still won't be deterred and tries to use Barney's surefire way: It's for the bride.

"I'm not gonna answer the question," Ted repeats, and she thinks it's another refusal until: "Because you know the answer."

Robin blinks and looks away. She does know.

But she'd hoped her suspicion was incorrect. She'd hoped it just wasn't true. Either way, she didn't want to have to _ever_ face it. And she never expected that he'd directly go there. But he does.

"There's no top five, Robin. There's just that top one. And it's you."

Hearing that, her eyes cast down to the sand and remain glued there. This is so awkward and uncomfortable. It's like the night he told her he loved her all over again – only far worse now because it's actually her _wedding day_.

She starts to move her lips to respond. She tries twice, but how can she respond to that? What does he want her to say? That she doesn't feel that way about him, that he's not _her_ number one, that she never carried the kind of torch for him that he's evidently _still_ been carrying for her all these years, that she's madly in love with the man she's about to marry today and who _is_ her number one?

She doesn't need to say any of that because _Ted_ already knows.

He maintains in his defense that he only said this now because he knows it's not going to change anything; she and Barney _are_ getting married today. Robin's strategy in response is to make a nervous joke, aiming simply not to acknowledge and certainly not to address what Ted's just said. It's what she always does in uncomfortable situations like this.

"I'm the best man. I swore on the bro code," he continues. "I don't wanna go to bro hell."

She grasps at the out Ted's offered and quips back, "Bro hell sounds bad." She still can't look him in the eye.

"I'm sure Barney's got a whole thing about bro hell."

But as tempting as it is to take the out – just keep joking around and pretend the last few minutes never happened – Robin knows she can't. Someone has to think of the logistics of their new reality. He just outright admitted to still having feelings for her. There's no more ignoring it. They _all_ have to acknowledge it now. So how does this friendship work from here on out? Not only hers and Ted's, but Barney's and Ted's, and all of them hanging out together in the future.

"What about when we get back from our honeymoon?" she questions, finally meeting his eyes because she needs him to understand that he's right. Regardless of his feelings, this _is_ happening; she _is_ marrying Barney. "What about our first night out at the bar? What then?"

She's not going to walk on eggshells around Ted about her and Barney and their marriage. She doesn't want to have to worry about things like putting their arms around each other, or kissing her husband, or saying 'I love you' in front of Ted. They'll be _newlyweds_; they shouldn't have to temper their behavior to spare his feelings, and they're not going to. "Is it gonna be weird?" Robin asks. She doesn't want it to be weird. That's what she's been trying to avoid for all of them.

Ted swears it won't be but she has to question how he can be so sure. To her, it seems like it's _definitely_ going to be awkward. It already is right now.

"Because I'm not going to be there," he reveals. "I'm moving to Chicago."

Closing her eyes, Robin shakes her head at this new bombshell. It brings back all the frustration and agitation from before. Because here he is keeping more secrets, and about something this huge. "I can't believe you're leaving New York." And soon too if he won't even be there by the time they get back from their honeymoon. She knows Ted loves this city. What would possess him to leave? Surely there can't be better career opportunities in Chicago than in New York.

Then a horrible realization floods over her. "Wait. Is this – is this because of _me_?" It's even worse than she thought then. She suspected maybe he still harbored a little bit of something towards her, but only because he was confused and lonely and had no romantic prospects in his life. Whatever might have been there on his side, she thought Ted would get over it again as soon as he met his next girlfriend, just like he had with Victoria before. But now he's running away across the country. This is _serious_.

Ted swears it's not because of her, but then he backs that up with "maybe at first it was", and he sits down on the sand, settling in for a long explanation. Robin hesitates, just standing there for a moment because sitting on a darkened beach with Ted now feels awkward – and she _hates_ that it feels awkward – but after a moment more she moves a discreet distance away and kneels down on the sand too.

He goes on to describe what a long week it's been and how some things have happened that made him realize it's time to move on. Robin remains quiet but it's a sentiment that rings so true she nearly nods along. It _is_ time for Ted to move on. If he's still clinging to the hope of being with her, well then it's been time for him to move on for a long while…..She just wishes it didn't have to come this way.

But if she's honest with herself there's been a bit of tension there between the three of them ever since she and Barney got engaged. And things have really never been the same between her and Ted since he told her he loved her last year and forced her to reject him by telling him she didn't love him back. So she supposes, difficult though it may be, it is what it is and maybe this is for the best for all of them.

Having now accepted that, Robin uses Ted's statement on all the bad things that happened to him in New York as her opportunity to make another joke, effectually changing the subject again back to his top five worst relationships. They've already traveled far enough down this awkward road, further than she wanted to. She certainly doesn't need to hear any more.

She's relieved when Ted takes the hint and asks her to name them all from the email list, which she's more than happy to do. This is all she ever wanted for them, to be able to be easy friends this way without ancient history getting in the way. Unfortunately it seems Ted could never quite manage that and now the whole group will have to live with the consequences.

* * *

><p>Inside The Crab Shed, Barney instructs the boys to head to the free buffet and take advantage of the underrated but exquisite strip club meatballs while he finds them a table in a prime location, center room. Meanwhile he orders himself a fresh scotch, a huge stack of napkins, and a lap dance for each of the boys. While they enjoy it and the onstage show that follows, Barney is busy at work. Even as the women get naked on stage, he only has eyes for what he's writing and barely sees beyond the end of his ballpoint pen and the final gift he's bestowing on them.<p>

_The Playbook_ had been his life's work and he'd wanted to keep it as a memento of his past and where he came from. That's why he burned the ceremonial copy during his proposal play but kept the original. The idea of having it around at all, however, made Robin uncomfortable, and he was willing to blow it up for her. He doesn't begrudge her that. But rather than forever destroying it, a part of him still wishes he could have given it away and passed it along. That's what he was trying to do with Ted, teaching him how to own and operate _The Playbook_, when Jeanette found it leading to its destruction.

But he has it all virtually memorized anyway. That's the thing Robin didn't understand. The physical presence of _The Playbook_ had nothing to do with his devotion to her or his willingness to leave that life behind. He didn't just use the plays. He's their author, and that kind of thing just doesn't disappear from one's mind. The plays, the stratagems, the costumes, and the steps are all still engrained in his brain and if he wanted to he could pull them out and use them at any time. He wouldn't need the actual text. It was never about keeping or destroying a literal book. It was about terminating that lifestyle, changing and transforming himself into a better man for her. That he's already done, and he will always continue to stay faithful to her even though he knows he'll still remember all of his plays till the day he days. Nevertheless, the actual text bothers her so he can't and won't keep it, but these boys can.

"Can a person live in a strip club?" the young Ted in plaid asks.

Barney answers affirmatively, back into sage mode. "For the next few years your strip club will be like home. Then one day you'll date a stripper and almost marry her and then after that you'll realize you're done with strip clubs….in the sense that you'll dial it back to like once a week." And that's exactly what he'd done immediately following his breakup with Quinn. His first instinct being single again was to get back out there, but she had soured him on the whole strip club experience – first, by turning out to be a little bit of a bitch and, second, by making him acknowledge strippers weren't just stacked bodies for patrons' pleasure but actual women with lives and friends and loved ones, perhaps even boyfriends and husbands at home. He still went once a week out of habit and because he felt like he should; that's what he ought to be out there doing. But by the time Barney encountered that stranger and she made him realize he _did_ still have a chance with Robin, strip clubs were the furthest thing from his mind from then on and his search for a new strip club to call home was entirely fake. He'd never even been to Mouth Beach since the night he and Robin went there as a setup.

While Barney keeps on writing, the boys chat excitedly about their ability to talk to girls now. Foolishly they don't realize that while confidence is on the right track they only seem so interesting now because they're paying these women. Barney knows they are in no way prepared to pick up women in the real world and he informs them of that, grabbing his _Playbook_ napkins and whisking them off to the next location.

Because before making any pickup attempts the first thing they need to do – desperately – is to suit up. He happens to know Timmy G has a beachside studio just minutes from here. He'd made sure of it before booking the wedding in Farhampton. After a quick phone call he arranges an afterhours fitting, and with a new drink in hand Barney and T Gunn take to mocking the boys' sorry excuses for outfits.

Hoodie Ted – who's already looking immensely better in just his t-shirt with a suit coat now overtop – complains, "Who cares about any of this? They're just clothes."

That statement alone shows how much the boys have to learn. That statement would be horrifying to Barney if he hadn't lived this all already. In fact, it brings his mind back to his and Ted's first real conversation after their introduction, or rather his self-introduction. Back at MacLaren's – not in what would become their usual booth, but the big table in the back corner of the bar...

* * *

><p>2001<p>

* * *

><p>Barney plops down in the booth – that he'll later learn Marshall and Lily are also sitting in though he doesn't really notice them at the time – slinging his arm around his new bro. "Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live." He can see he doesn't even remember who he is, but he doesn't let that stop him. He just lost Insane Dwayne and he needs a new best bro to fill that now-empty space. "Barney. We met at the urinal."<p>

"Oh. Right. Hi."

"Lesson one: Lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit."

"I'm not wearing a suit."

"Lesson two: Get a suit. Suits are cool," he informs Ted while gesturing down at himself as the only proof needed. "Exhibit A."

* * *

><p>Present<p>

* * *

><p>Ted had so much he needed to be taught, Barney reflects nostalgically. "Just clothes?" he responds in the here and now, taking a breath to prepare to monologue the many benefits of suits that he really ought to know by now. "Ted – "<p>

Realizing, Barney stops himself, closing his eyes. He's not talking to Ted at all. Ted's leaving. These are his new protégées. "Sorry. Force of habit." It's hard to believe that first lesson with Ted was twelve years ago, but he addresses his new pupils in the exact same way, word-for-word. "Boys," he corrects, "suits are cool. Exhibit A." And he gestures down at himself, still looking impeccable after all these years and even after being out all night long – and drunk enough he couldn't even find his way back to his hotel room earlier….or even just to his hotel.

Hoodie Ted, now Suit Coat Ted, purports that regardless of how well-dressed he is he's still lacking basic game. "The challenge is walking up to a girl that I've never met before and somehow talking to her."

That's the most hilarious thing Barney has heard in a long while. He looks to Tim Gun and they both start laughing uproariously. They have so, so much to learn.

After finding out the only thing necessary, Suit Coat Ted's actual name, Barney finally lets them go back to the party so he can introduce them to the surefire way to complete that challenge: playing a game of "Have you met Ted", now amended to Justin.

"So simple. So elegant," Justin raves.

"So that's it? You just walk up to someone you don't know and introduce them to your buddy?" his friend doubts. But two seconds later those doubts are silence with a, "Have you met Kyle?"

Barney just smiles. It works every time. The boys think he's god after that, but he's just a bro. A bro who wears suits and is awesome.

* * *

><p>After Robin inquires if Ted's ever talked to Jeanette again – solidly avoiding the topic of his recently confessed feelings for her – they get back up and continue walking down the beach to the hotel that's now in the near distance, and by this time it's already starting to get light out. The sun will be coming up soon.<p>

"Hey, I'm sorry we couldn't find Barney," Ted tells her, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry I lost him in the first place."

"He'll find his way back," Robin voices the mantra she's been repeating in her head all night. "You go on ahead," she instructs Ted. "I'm just gonna sit here a minute." She plunks down on the sand, laying her sandals down and crossing her legs beneath her. The truth is she needs some time to think and compose herself. An awful lot has happened in the past three hours.

"No. That's alright," he replies. "I'll sit with you."

She nods absently and Ted settles down beside her. If she were paying attention to him she'd see that his body language is uncomfortable and he'd rather not be here at all after the awkward confessions he's just made, but his good manners dictate he not leave her alone.

But Robin misses it all because she's not even looking at him, or at the ocean. She's not looking at anything in particular. Her thoughts are too far inward.

It hurts that their group, their little family of the past eight years, is being broken apart. And no matter what Ted says it _is_ because of her. It's through no fault of her own, granted, but it's because of her that he's going and therefore she can't help feeling partially responsible. Marshall and Lily are losing their best friend since college. Because of her. And Barney, wherever he's gone off to, she feels so badly for _Barney's_ sake. Barney will be devastated at the loss. Robin knows better than any of them how much Ted means to him. She vividly remembers how he was before, how distraught and how much it tore him apart when the two of them bro-ke up back then – again, because of her. All these years later she still hates being caught in the middle.

"We should probably head back," Ted's voice breaks through her thoughts.

Robin nods sadly even as the tears flood her eyes thinking about what this will do to all of them. It's the end of an era. The gang will be no more. Nothing will ever be the same again. "Do you wanna watch the sun come up?" she proposes. It feels like they're all entering a new phase that's starting right now: Ted heading off to Chicago, Marshall and Lily possibly moving to Rome, she and Barney getting married later today. Watching the sunrise seems like a fitting representation for all of them and their fresh new start.

"Sure."

At his answer, Robin turns to him momentarily and smiles for the friendship they've had over the years. They _have_ been good friends, better friends than they ever were when they were romantically involved. Truthfully, she's felt much closer to Ted as her platonic friend and once roommate than she ever did when they were together. Back when they dated…..that feels like a lifetime ago, like they were different people then, almost like that wasn't even them at all.

For all these years she's gone on acting and feeling as if it _wasn't_. Because she's grown and she knows herself so much better now. Most of what they had romantically anyway was carefully built upon wishes and convenience, a delicate balance of appreciating each other's company while never acknowledging their fundamental differences and all the many issues those differences caused between them. She could never truly be herself with Ted, and she doesn't think he would have been fully himself with her either. Once she opened her heart and mind to that truth during their breakup, it was relatively easy for her to move on.

But they were great companions. That was always the best part of their relationship. They worked so much better as friends, and when they settled into that friendship it was clear to her that's what they were always meant to be.

And maybe that's just it. Maybe that's why some of it _has_ been a little bit her fault. Maybe she was being selfish trying to maintain a close friendship with him when he still had romantic feelings for her. And their 40 year-old backup plan didn't help – but she never really took that seriously, and she made it abundantly clear that it wasn't his job to cheer her up…..Yet she took the cheer and closeness when he constantly offered it. Maybe she shouldn't have.

But isn't that what friends do? And she's thought of Ted as a _friend_ and nothing more for years now, going all the way to back to before she and Barney got together the first time. For at least the past four and a half years her mind hadn't even classified Ted as an ex the way she always did with Barney. But it's clear that to Ted _she_ was always still his ex, never simply his friend, and that's where the problem lies. Maybe it's her fault because she should have drawn the line more clearly, but her closeness to Ted never felt any different from her closeness to Lily. Pulling back would have relegated him to a second-class tier of friendship, and what she's wanted more than anything ever since they broke up all those years ago was just normalcy between them and for Ted to let go of the past the way that she already had.

Now it sucks that they can't have that friendship. That because of her _none_ of them will have Ted's constant friendship in their lives anymore.

It sucks, yet she doesn't regret her decision to marry Barney. She _loves_ Barney. She always has. They're heading towards something great together. Life has to always keep moving forward, and now that she and Barney went back for each other their eyes are only on the future. Ted is the one who's stuck in the past.

But as she watches the light just begin to extend over the waterline Robin hopes that maybe his stay in Chicago will change that and maybe someday before too long they can all be friends again. Maybe by the time Marshall and Lily get back from Italy – if they do go – Ted will have moved on and will be ready to come back to New York too, and the gang can be whole again, their little family reunited once more.

Ted turns to her suddenly, breaking her out of her thoughts with a question about their first date and if at the end of the night she'd wanted him to kiss her. It's an odd thing to bring up at a time like this, but out of consideration for his feelings Robin doesn't point that out. And the truth is she thinks she knows the real reason behind the question. Barney's told her of the debate they all had that night and how _he_ had told Ted she'd given him the sign to kiss her but Ted had stupidly missed it. As usual, Barney could read her like a book. She _had_ wanted a kiss that night. She barely knew Ted back then. They'd only just met, but she'd wanted a kiss – she'd been ready to sleep with him, in fact. That was the sort of casual, easy, no-strings, hook-up she was looking for back then. So she smiles and settles the debate once and for all. "Yeah, I did."

Ted curses and she laughs, looking back to the ocean and exhaling a heavy breath.

But she can't quite leave it at that.

She wanted to spare Ted's feelings by not pointing out how inappropriate a topic this is when he just confessed to still wanting to be with her. And her number one focus has always been on preserving the friendships – their friendship, his friendship with Barney, the entire group dynamic – which is perhaps the truest reason she never said anything to Ted before or drew that line in the sand about feelings and being weird with her. Well, that and because she still tends to like the easy way and avoiding difficult, emotional confrontations. However, even in light of all that, something else does need to be said now. She's needed to say it for quite some time.

"But that was a long time ago," she sighs. "A _very_ long time. We're both different people now."

He doesn't look at her. "Yeah, I guess so."

Robin glances over at him, unable to feel out his mood, but she plunges ahead anyhow. "Ted, I – I think I might have given you the wrong impression about me and Barney…..with the stuff I said back at the carousel. I mean Barney and I, we used to be the king and queen of dysfunction." Their history gave the last minister a heart attack, and anyone about to marry a guy who's bedded over two hundred and fifty women –almost all of them through dubious means – would be lying if she said that didn't concern her at least a little. "You know what Barney's life was like. And taking off tonight isn't exactly great, though it probably wouldn't have happened if we hadn't kept him so drunk. So every once in a while I still have these little moments of panic, hoping that we're ready for this…..But I think that's understandable, all things considered. Isn't it?"

At least she hopes that's normal. But the biggest thing to remember, the entire reason she said 'yes' to his proposal despite her fears, is that she _loves_ Barney. She wants to be with him, spend her life with him, more than anything. "What you have to know most of all is that I'm happy with Barney. Really, truly, awesomely happy with him. I love him and I want to be his wife. I _want_ to marry him. I'm going to marry him. And, yeah, sometimes that's scary. But even when it's scary it always feels right."

At that Ted nods, and they both look back to the skyline to watch the sun makes its ascent.

* * *

><p>A little ways away, Barney is having his own sunrise moment.<p>

He had decided to stay a bit longer to finish his drink and oversee things as the boys hit it off with several women, collecting multiple numbers. But as he's standing in the doorway now he sees it's starting to grow light outside, a new day dawning. He's getting married today and his place is back with Robin, with his soon-to-be – in only a matter of 12 hours – wife. So he herds the boys out onto the porch for a few final pieces of advice.

"Don't get married until you're thirty." Not because it's an awful institution that should be avoided. Not even so that you can live a wild and crazy life beforehand, though sowing your wild oats is important before you're ready to settle down. But you don't really and truly and fully know yourself until that time and therefore aren't ready to give yourself to another human being.

"Play laser tag once a week." That's some stuff he'll never be too old for. He and Robin still go once a month.

"Give at least as many high fives as you get." Because it's always about camaraderie and loyalty and support. It shouldn't only be about you. Good bros should always be wingmen first who are in this together, which was always the very point of "Have you met Ted?".

"Teacup pigs _are_ lady magnets, but very hard to care for. Not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies." Both of which he'd found through personal experience with Brover and Sadie aren't worth the upkeep and responsibility as lady magnets alone. But it's a whole different story when in a committed relationship. There a baby like Marvin can make a couple into a family. So can a puppy like Legendary. But Justin and Kyle are a good decade away from needing to know that…..and they'll discover it on their own. That's part of their journey. Which brings him to his final point.

As the sunrise casts a blanket of fresh new sunlight on his face he imparts to the boys the key piece of advice. "And most importantly….." Barney chooses his words carefully as he thinks back on his own past decade with Ted and Marshall and Lily and then meeting Robin, all the unforgettable experiences they've had over the years. "Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it." He smiles, nodding, because if anything ever has that one statement sums up all of his nostalgia over the course of this night.

And with that he's ready to go back and get married, start out this new adventure with Robin.

Barney reaches into his pocket without any qualms at all. "Good luck, boys." And it does feel like graduation day, but in the very best way. He places the newly rewritten _Playbook_ in Justin's hand. "Take care of the game for me." The legacy has been passed. Now it's time to go home.

Home is waiting for him, sleeping peacefully in their honeymoon suite, and he's not giving up until he finds it. With Robin in mind, Barney heads off the porch and starts back down the road.

* * *

><p>Robin watches as the sun is finally now completely visible above the ocean. "And new day." She smiles at the thought. Because she and Barney are getting married today. So, no, she doesn't regret it at all – no matter what it's cost them.<p>

She lifts her head to the light of the sun, lets its warmth envelope her and the fresh breeze blow over her face. It may feel a little bittersweet right now but things have worked out exactly as they were meant to. Even if it's just her and Barney left in New York without any of the others, together is where they were always meant to be and she finds she doesn't mind it at all if she and Barney can simply have each other.

"Okay, you need to get at least a little sleep," Ted informs her, starting to get up off the sand.

Robin's mind goes for a second to her missing fiancé, the reason behind this sleepless night, but she knows he'll come back; she _knows_ it. Yet the fact remains that going back inside means the end of the era that she's known for the past seven and a half years, which was reason enough to have stalled it before. But now she realizes it also means the beginning of this exciting _new_ era, one with her and Barney as husband and wife.

With a smile she takes the hand Ted is offering and lets him help her one last time. Once up on her feet she gives him a kind smile. "I'm gonna head up to the hotel and keep looking for Barney. Maybe he's come back by now," she tells him. She never receives a response – Ted seems to be lost in his own thoughts now – but she walks away anyhow, heading up to the hotel alone.

Just as she's climbed up the porch steps and is reaching for the door she hears Ted calling her name. "Wait. I'll help you look. I'm the best man. I've got a wedding to get you both to."

Robin smiles and nods, heading inside followed by Ted. The clock in the bar now reads 6:20 a.m. and she decides to check their room first and then try Ted's in case Barney's returned to either one. But he's not there so they resort to calling in reinforcements, heading to Marshall and Lily's room to alert them of the situation and ask for their help in looking.

Meanwhile, out front of the Farhampton Inn, after a half an hour's walk Barney's finally made it back and with a grin of contentment he ambles through the front door at 6:30 a.m., just missing Robin by ten minutes….

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: This will be the last update until after the finale airs, so here's praying it all goes well for B/R!


	66. Note From the Author

The HIMYM finale was the most insulting thing I've ever borne witness to out of a television program, movie, novel, or any form of entertainment. In just a matter of minutes they threw away years' worth of writing and expect us to simply turn a blind eye and not notice the fact that nothing they just showed us made even the tiniest bit of sense and in fact went against THEIR ENTIRE established canon.

That's what gets me about it. The fact that if you accept this ending then everything that came before it literally meant nothing. All that writing and story we spent years watching, and therefore providing them with a job, was all for nothing. Why did they ever have Barney and Robin get together in Season 8? Why did they have them get married? Why not just call it off? Why not just have them never reunite after Season 5? Why not have Barney have a baby back in Season 6? Why not have Barney marry and divorce Quinn and _she_ could have provided him with said baby?

It honestly 1,000,000% feels to me like there was a split vision and the writers (including Craig Thomas) changed their vision and evolved that vision with the show, falling in love with the Barney/Robin pairing (and eventually Ted/Mother too) and that was the ending they wanted. That's why we got such epic Barney/Robin moments over the years. I always knew it was from Craig and not Carter Bays. I never followed Carter on Twitter because I always felt he had a contempt for Barney/Robin and resented the fact that they took off as the big couple of the show (remember too they only had them sleep together in Season 3 as a way to save the show from cancellation after the writers' strike). But Craig and the others _did_ love Barney/Robin (countless interviews attest to that fact). They knew that was the heart of the show and they wrote to that. That's why we got such an epic Barney/Robin love story over the past 7 seasons. That's why we got such a sweet ending in the B/R wedding. Yes, Robin had jitters at first but those were all in character and made sense, and they were all resolved with zero reservations by the time of the ceremony, with both Barney and Robin happy and giddy and thrilled to be marrying each other.

This finale was just what Carter had in his head 8 years ago and refused to be moved or deviate from it despite the fact that it doesn't match this story. It's like trying to put a dog's head on a cat's body. Clearly in 2006, at the point of the Season 2 finale, Carter had a vision where Ted and Robin break up, Robin becomes a foreign correspondent, Ted meets the Mother along the way, Barney knocks up some random along the way and grows up because of it, and 20 years later Robin comes back after the Mother dies and Ted and Robin get back together (no clue as to why it would magically work out now because she's still going to want to travel and have completely different interests and personality than him, but whatever). And even though that's not the story they've been telling or we've been watching for all these years Carter was bound and determined to tack on that ending anyway.

Barney and Robin were the loves of each other's life. Robin was the woman of his dreams. He undeniably loved her and SHE is what transformed him. That has been HIMYM canon since 2008. But suddenly in two minutes they get divorced for no reason whatsoever other than the script says so and then Barney is perfectly content regressing back to his 2006 self overnight and womanizing again even though he REPEATEDLY said it made him feel empty and broken, and to top it off now he doesn't even feel that way about Robin anymore? Nope. Would never happen. Not with the story we've seen since 2008. Even in a world where they couldn't make a marriage work, Barney would always still love Robin, as has been demonstrated in Seasons 3-9. But Carter Bays' Barney _of 2006_ would feel that way. And that's exactly what I mean. That's what he just gave us. His vision of them back in 2006. This was the vision they started even giving us at the end of Season 2 in the voice over back when they knew they might not get renewed. And it would have worked as an ending then, but not now. It's too late for that now. It's not 2006 anymore. You can't contradict everything you've already written in the intervening 8 years.

Carter even tweeted about writing the script for the finale and opening up his old word document for that script dated 2006 (he tweeted out the picture) and said he hadn't looked at in years. How as a writer can you even be that irresponsible? In the writing I do, I have an idea and sometimes write out a whole scene but then if I change something later on and I realize it no longer fits I throw out the scene. I don't stubbornly stick to it and expect people to just ignore the fact that I'm contradicting my own self.

This was just an anathema. More than an insult to B/R it was an insult to all of the people who have diligently watched this show over the years. It was an insult to our intelligence. I can hardly believe they don't expect anyone to question that. Do they really think that little of us and think we are that dumb? I have people coming to me on all sides who are just general viewers asking what the *x*x was that and saying it doesn't make a lick of sense. How were Ted and the Mother married in 2015 as accepted canon on the show _for years_ but now they suddenly didn't marry until 10 years later? And, while we're at it, how does a guy like Ted Mosby who is obsessed with marriage not even care or get around to marrying the girl until a decade and two kids into their life together? How was Robin constantly in other countries now when she's been shown since Season 4 to dislike traveling alone? That's why she came back from Japan, wouldn't move to Chicago, and never accepted foreign positions since then, because she valued friendships and relationships more than her career, and yet in this version Robin isn't even seen for years on end and lives with no friends whatsoever? How can Robin be so close to Ted's kids and be shown taking them to the zoo and the beach and they call her "Aunt" when she was never around and his daughter literally didn't even know her name?

I am so GLAD that Goodwin Games failed and I hope How I Met Your Dad fails too. They do not deserve to have any other hit shows when this is how they disrespect their audience.

Right now it's a fresh wound. It just hurts so much, it breaks my heart in way I can't even describe, that they would strike out at such dedicated fans this way and that anathema will forever stand as the "official" finale and ending of that show.

But that being said, it doesn't ruin the show for me. I still will re-watch. I still have all the DVDS and books and so forth and I'll still enjoy them. Because I wholly reject this finale. Ordinarily, I scoff at those people who do that when they didn't like how something ended. I'll say "You can't do that; you have to take what comes". But this episode IN NO WAY felt like canon because it contradicted canon so many times. It's like they weren't even trying and didn't even care that they weren't trying (which, by the way for everyone who does not know, is exactly what Carter said about the finale in a Reddit interview he did a few weeks back. He said this was HIS vision and he knew people would hate it and think it didn't fit anymore where the story was now but he didn't care and he was doing it anyway. In other words, he blatantly disrespects you and could care less what you think or how you feel about it, and could even care less about writing coherently or even making sense).

But with the story ending at 9.22, which is honestly what it seems like the sane writers of the bunch had in mind (even the Future Ted voice over at the end makes it seem that way), I can live with that. Still, I deserved not to have this garbage that doesn't even fit the story tacked on. If Carter felt like he absolutely _must_ use the footage they shot in 2006 (which, again, for those that don't know the ending with the kids was filmed way back then and Carter kept it all this time to use) they could have had an alternate ending on the DVD. They could have at least tried to make this ending make sense. Why have Ted say in 9.22 that he didn't love Robin that way, and why let her go for good in 9.17? How does Barney need a baby to transform him and make him grow up and no longer broken when they already spent the past 7 seasons having ROBIN be the catalyst for that transformation and even had Barney blatantly say so as recently as 9.15? Again, it's like they were writing with two different visions.

Lucky for us that warped vision didn't take over until the last episode or it really would have ruined the show. Now we can still enjoy it and not allow Carter to kill it for us by simply refusing to acknowledge 9.23/9.24.

Barney and Robin are NOT an AU ending. Because whatever that was, it wasn't the HIMYM I've been watching since Season 3. That's the plain and simple fact of it. As far as I and many others (the sane audience who actually watched and value canon of Season 3-9) are concerned this was a 22 episode season (with the first five minutes of the reception from 9.23 included: Ted met the Mother on the train, fell in love, and didn't move to Chicago just like they said, and the scene where he's talking to her on the phone is where the show ends).

Even Neil Patrick Harris and Cobie Smulder seemed to take the same approach. In their _Inside the Actors Studio_ interviews, filmed after the finale, when they went into character they still treated Barney and Robin as married and in love. And Neil at Paleyfest spoke the wonders of seeing Barney's transformation and falling in love with and spending his life with Robin. That's not just lip-service. Sure, he's going to tow the company line now and not come out and say it was utter crap, but I know he must feel that way based on everything he's said before and since the finale (and Josh Radner too when he found out said he couldn't believe they were still going with that ending).

So just know that I will be continuing this story. My love for Barney/Robin lives on despite Carter Bays, but I (and this story) view the first five minutes of 9.23 as the end of canon HIMYM.


	67. Author's Note 2

Here are a few fresh words I want to put out there for fans (several of whom have contacted me) that are still struggling with this unthinkably awful ending. The next morning (about two hours of sleep later) and I'm still in this weird place between (a) ambivalence and feeling untouched by that finale, (b) great sadness because of it, and (c) being absolutely incensed.

Last night I tried, but my mind was so troubled that for the longest time I couldn't get to sleep. Then I finally just decided to go to bed and make the effort anyway, and in my bedroom was a copy of the B/R TV Guide cover and I also have a magazine picture from 8.12 that I cut out. I saw those pictures and my first gut instinct was to feel wretchedly sad. But then the thing was I looked at that picture of Robin from 8.12 and I just knew inherently that the woman from that picture was NOT the woman I saw in the finale that aired last night. The Robin of 8.12 and the Robin of Season 9,8.7,6,5,4, and even 3 would have NEVER behaved that way, done those things, reacted that way, felt that way, etc. And the man in that finale wasn't Barney either.

Honestly, one of the things that makes me physically ill thinking about it is the whole thing with the baby and how that would mean that Robin actually meant nothing to him and didn't change him or impact him at all prior to that. And that thought obviously makes me so distraught it causes a physical reaction. But the thing is even watching that scene initially and thinking back on it now, the way that Barney stood up and said he's just not a guy to love a woman unconditionally and give her everything he has and everything he is, all I could think was, "Um, yes you are. That is literally what the past 6 years of the show have been about, showing that transformation in you and showing how you _definitely _are that guy".

That is why this finale cannot truly touch me because you can't undo that. You can't make it just not be so. I watched Barney agonize over Robin and love her so dearly and be willing to give her anything and do anything for her. That is why watching them get married and Barney finally get the girl was so emotionally powerful. And no matter what they throw in there in the last 40 minutes and call a finale, THEY CAN'T ERASE THE PAST 6 1/2 YEARS.

And, again, I didn't even get the impression from that hot mess they called a finale that they were even trying to undo the past Season 3-9. It was more that they were just IGNORING them and pretending they never happened. Pretending we never saw Robin or Barney again since the end of the Season 2 finale. Pretending none of the other intervening stuff ever happened at all. That's why they quite literally weren't the same people that we've come to know. Robin wasn't Robin, Barney wasn't Barney, Ted wasn't Ted. You could make the solid case that what we saw was 2006 Barney and 2006 Robin in some alternate universe where the rest of the show never happened, but even then what we saw I don't feel was 2006 Ted. The Finale Ted was almost ambivalent about relationships and marriage. This is the guy who would say I love you on the first date and immediately jump to thinking about marriage, and that was even more the case back in 2006. Yet he's with the supposed love of his life and doesn't even really care to marry her for almost a decade until he finally breaks down and says we might as well just do this already? That's not Ted Mosby - of ANY point in the series. Even Ted was so out of character, and I didn't feel like the way he acted with the Mother in the whole of the finale matched up with the way we've seen him act with her in all the Season 9 flash forwards. Finale Ted didn't seem that madly in love with her in my opinion, so it totally disregarded that relationship as well.

(I still literally don't even know WHAT that was that we saw because even disregarding Season 3-9 I don't feel like that ending makes a lick of sense. If they wanted a T/R ending when they wrote the pilot why didn't they just have her be the Mother? Why go through this long involved story to create another woman to sire children and then kill her off? What kind of story is that?)

But the point remains that Seasons 3-9 DID happen. THEY DO EXIST. A magic finale wand can't undo that. And they didn't even try by saying it was all a dream or anything like that. They just ignored that all the in-between even happened and took the characters to a place where they weren't even themselves and weren't even trying to be. They weren't even _attempting _to write them the way they had during the rest of the course of the show.

And so part of me is sad that they actually did that, that they wrote and shot that and actually put that garbage out there as their ending. And if you accept that finale, then yeah you believe that's how it ended. But it was just so surreal that there is nothing about me - heart or brain - that can accept that as HIMYM and as Barney and Robin and Ted because it was so contradictory to everything we've seen in the past 6+ years in plot, in characterization, and even in simple (but massively important) continuity facts. That is why it will NEVER seem or be real to me, no matter what.

The incensed part comes in thinking about the interviews Carter Bays gave (particularly the damning words he said over at reddit) where he freely acknowledged that everyone was going to hate this and he knew it and it was disrespectful to the audience but _he didn't even care_. Yet that's also the other thing that makes it easier to feel ambivalent and untouched by that finale. Because he also freely admitted that it was a relic from the past and he shouldn't have used it because it doesn't fit anymore. In other words, he freely admitted that it _was _retcon of the past 6+ years. And that in my opinion means it's something that we shouldn't and don't have to accept. Essentially to my mind that's the takeaway behind what he said.

Because it can't be both ways. Either Seasons 3-9 actually happened and matter and resonate, in which case the finale has to be ignored and thought of as a non-canon diversion because there's no way the two will ever fit since the versions of the characters we see in the finale are not the real characters we've seen on the show for years. Or we accept that Seasons 3-9 have been retconned and nothing we ever saw for the past 6 years mattered or counted or should be taken for anything. And not just the B/R part but basic stuff like the fact that Ted and the Mother were already married by 2015 and probably well before that.

Whatever way you look at it, it requires your mind to throw out writing that aired. You've either got to throw out and not acknowledge anything that happened in the finale, or you've got to throw out and not acknowledge 85% of what happened in Season 3-9. That's the choice before us as former HIMYM viewers. That's the choice they've given us by airing the outdated, admittedly retconed ending (though I don't even know if the word 'retcon' cuts it because that usually means rewriting one event, not EVERYTHING that came before, including who the very characters are and how they behave. It's more like they tried to hit a total reset button, and that simply doesn't exist). And I will always feel unwaveringly and with full conviction that when presented with that choice you should always pick the longest established canon. I cannot throw out and disregard the past 6 1/2 years of storytelling to accommodate one episode. So it _must _be the other way (even if it were the greatest B/R ending on earth), that I throw out and disregard the one episode and believe the past 6 1/2 years of on-screen stories and development instead, even if that one episode was the supposed ending - that they themselves admit they never should have done at this point.

And I can't even consider refusing to acknowledge that finale as AU because what is AU then? The ending, or everything we saw in Season 3-9. Either way, a portion of their canon (meaning it aired on television) writing HAS to now be considered AU. Which just takes you right back to the insane question and debate they've created as to which version do you accept and believe and adhere to.

But the morning after when I opened my laptop and saw my B/R screen saver I didn't feel like those images and those episodes never happened. That will ALWAYS be Barney and Robin, and B/R, and HIMYM to me. What I saw last night wasn't. It felt off almost from beginning to end, everything about it, even the group interaction didn't feel right or the same. At no point did I feel like I was watching the real HIMYM, and personally I don't even feel like the actors acted it the same.

So long-winded recap: I won't let this ruin the show for me or color everything that's happened in the past 6+ years. For me that's still what happened. Exactly as it happened, exactly the way we saw it with no ulterior motives (and I honestly don't feel like those were present in the writing. It was all pro-B/R with no hints of Ted/Robin or whatever that mess was in that 2006 finale). B/R are still together. Ted and the Mother are both alive and together (and how disrespectfully she was treated too by the way; it's as if she never even mattered, which also isn't the story we've been watching for years).

And it's not even a conscious decision I've made because I didn't like the ending. It's just that nothing about that finale was real or HIMYM to me, and it never will be. From the moment it was live airing I felt that way, which is why I was never even properly devastated by it because from the very first it seemed surreal and it remains surreal and I stand by with every part of me saying, "I don't know who those people were, and I don't know what that was, but it wasn't HIMYM".

And really that's the bottom line, end of story for me.


	68. 918

**AN**: And so I continue. With a mindset first and foremost that nothing after 9.22 (and my definition of that also encompasses the reception) was canon. It still hurts me that they betrayed the characters that way. It hurts me to hear people say they renounce this show and everything in it, because regardless of what the show runners chose to air as a completely nonsensical and non-canon tag scene ending, the HIMYM we've seen up until that point and the B/R love story we've seen up until that point was a good, solid tale. I don't think it needs any rewrites from me or anyone else up until the point of 9.22. But after that point I'm going to tell an ending that actually fits the story, wasn't written a decade ago, and actually matches with 9.22 and ALL of the many canon years we've seen before it. And whatever I can do to get people beyond that sting of having had the punishment of watching that last episode and back to a place where they can appreciate HIMYM and the B/R story in the series as told from 1.01-9.22 then I'll feel satisfied and happy. Because** I** care about these two characters, clearly oh so much more than Carter and Craig ever did. That's the part that pains me most of all, how they completely ruined them individually, threw away their story and everything that happened between Seasons 3-9, and regressed them overnight in the course of one episode to fit them into their 2006 script. But the good news is we don't even have to acknowledge that one episode that even they've admitted is retcon straight out of 2006 that no longer fits with where the story has gone.

"The End of the Aisle" was the end of the narrative show (which, again, even they admitted), and it ended beautifully. So on with the story…..

Oh, and one last thing. For any of you who missed Barney's final blog entry (not that I blame you because I unfollowed everything to do with the show and CBS as well) it might get you to the important place of closure and peace that I've now achieved. In it, Matt Kuhn a writer for HIMYM whose sole purpose on the show was to write outrageous Barney of the Bro Code and Playbook (and who's been there since day one) put out some very interesting material. He didn't even write the romantic side of Barney (though it's clear through various different blog entries that he approved of B/R) but even he, who was in charge of writing outrageous womanizing Barney of old, according to the blog entry refused to accept that regressive nonsensical ending (like I imagine many, if not ALL, of the other writers who'd been kept in the dark all these years did as well). In the blog he has Barney discontinuing his teachings, much like we saw in 9.17, and dedicating his life to his duties as a married man and banging his hot wife, and if he ever possibly returned to a blog in the future it would be a 'how to' on being the most awesome and supportive husband you can be. And he ends it there, refusing to acknowledge anything past the B/R wedding night. Even for the other writers that's where the canon world they've been telling for 9 years ends.

The real story that aired for the past 7 seasons was undeniably B/R all the way - in tone, in plot, in characterization, in a million little moments, in their love story virtually taking over the entire plot of the series - and that remains. We haven't lost that at all.

So once again, on with the story…..

* * *

><p><strong>AN #2<strong>: This is actually more of a temporary warning. Don't worry; I haven't gone mad or gone AU like the show runners. I know the REAL Barney and Robin and will always stay true to their real characters and the REAL canon world of Seasons 3-9 they tried to throw away in that joke of a final episode. Barney and Robin got their happy ending when canon ended in 9.22 at their wedding. This story WILL reflect that and show that.

That being said, at the moment this story is still at episode 9.18 where wedding jitters will be just beginning to take hold. So it won't be all B/R fluff. We'll get there. I'll show the wedding, the reception, and a great deal of the angst-free future (seriously, since the AU "finale" aired I've been busy writing up a storm about their REAL future; I've got a story or two for virtually every year between the wedding and 2030 and even one beyond). But in the meantime I _must_ also show and address the final (natural and in-character, one last struggle) nerves before the wedding, which means that in some upcoming chapters there will be drama. I know people really need B/R fluff at the moment, but trust me it IS coming (and there is some in this chapter).

Because I can't give B/R fluff and unadulterated happiness to you just yet I've contemplated starting my other AU story right now that's going to have a much lighter and more serialized tone, but I don't know if I want to try working on two at once. Let me know what you think…..

* * *

><p><strong>Rally<strong>

* * *

><p>"What do you mean Barney's been missing all night?" Lily queries as she closes the door behind Robin and Ted.<p>

Robin huffs out a sigh, hurrying to explain before Ted starts to; they haven't got time for one of his long-winded stories. "After you guys left we stayed downstairs for one more drink. That's when we discovered a whole new level of Barney drunkenness."

"Truth Serum drunk," Ted jumps in anyway, "where you can ask him anything and Barney is physically incapable of telling a lie. We even found out what he does for a living!"

Lily's eyes expand. "Seriously?"

"What?" Marshall demands.

"Now's not the time guys," Robin scolds them, choosing to ignore Ted's whispering to Marshall that he'll tell him later. "The point is we gave Barney even more to drink," she admits with downcast eyes, aware that she's partially to blame for this. "But then we went upstairs too. I went to bed and Barney was supposed to be staying with Ted since it was the night before the wedding, but Ted being Ted went out on the balcony to ogle some girl – "

"I never actually saw her," he defends himself. "I was just _listening_ to her."

"So you were lurking in the shadows?" Lily replies, a smile turning up her lips.

Marshall shakes his head. "You're not doing yourself any favors, Ted."

"It doesn't matter whether he was listening or looking," Robin pulls them back around to topic. "The point is when Ted left the room Barney did too, and now we have no idea where he went."

"Meaning Drunk Barney has been unleashed on the city all night," Lily infers.

"We've looked everywhere," Robin informs them, and she doesn't miss how her friends all exchange silent glances. "But he _always_ finds his way home. Always. Now that it's morning I'm sure he's somewhere back in the hotel, or at least he will be shortly. We've just got to spread out and cover all the bases."

"And be prepared for whatever state we find him in…." Marshall adds.

They're entirely unaware that at that very moment a quickly fading Barney is making his way onto the elevator. However, in his stupor he hits the wrong bottom and goes up to the third floor instead, narrowly missing the gang as they search the second floor.

After that Robin stops by her room to change into more comfortable shoes in case they need to walk into the city. Then she heads up the stairs to the third floor…..just as Barney realizes his mistake and staggers back into the elevator. He pushes the proper button this time but by then Robin and Ted are already up to the third floor and Marshall and Lily have gone to check in the front lobby and dining room where they're starting to serve breakfast.

By the time the elevator doors open on the second floor Barney is barely holding it together. He's trying so hard to get to Robin, but he's had way too much to drink all night and now he's dead tired and nearly out of steam. Still, he keeps a careful watch on the numbers on the doors. If he can just make it to Room 16, Robin will be there and he can sleep for a little bit and everything will be alright. The numbers keep decreasing and he knows he's almost there so he forces his body to keep on walking.

Barney's almost made it – just a few doors down – when he feels himself begin to fall. He grabs at the wall for stability but all he manages to hit upon is the fire extinguisher which comes along with him. He tumbles forward, tripping over a plant and flying headfirst to the ground, getting his foot tangled in a "Do not disturb" sign on the way down.

After a stunned moment he begins to stir on the floor, trying to get back up, but he can't get his foot free. It's all twisted up in the plant and the sign and he can't seem to manage it. Finally he stops struggling and has the idea to take his shoe off, figuring that will make it easier to remove the sign from around his ankle. But he no sooner has the shoe in his hand than the dizziness engulfs him again, this time accompanied with black spots, and then he's out like a light.

Meanwhile up on the third floor, after striking out yet again, Ted and Robin head down to the first floor, meeting up with Marshall and Lily who've also come up empty handed. At this point Robin and Ted have been walking for hours so Lily suggests Robin just take a minute to rest and have some juice, and she reluctantly agrees. After a fifteen minute break with Lily while Marshall and Ted check the rest of the grounds from the pool cabana to the gazebo, Robin decides it's time to recheck their rooms again in case Barney's come back in the time between. Ted volunteers to head up with her while Lily resolves to check the still-closed parts of the first floor like the gym, business center, and spa, reasoning that a few locked doors wouldn't necessarily stop Barney.

As they board the elevator up to the second floor again it's already 8 a.m. and Robin has officially been searching for Barney for four hours now. She's tried and stressed and it'd be really great if he would just turn up already.

Once they get upstairs she and Ted agree to split up as they'll cover more ground that way and avoid any narrow misses. Ted heads back towards Room 4, his room, while Robin heads the opposite direction toward their room.

And it's just around the corner from the bridal suite, in front of Room 21, that she sees the loveliest sight in the world: her fiancé passed out cold in a potted plant.

She breathes the heaviest sigh of relief before calling to Ted, "Found him."

But as it turns out finding Barney was only half the battle because he's so hungover they can't get him up at all. She tries talking to him, shaking him, telling him there's a gas leak, but none of it works. Even the dreaded shoes don't match his belt lie only produces just a few short groans.

Ted goes to get Marshall and Lily, knowing it's going to take all four of them to get Barney back to his room with him such deadweight. While Ted's gone, Robin stays with Barney. First she untangles his leg and then takes the shoe off his hand and puts it back onto his foot, removing the fire extinguisher from his arms before she slides down next to him and gently raises his head, putting it back down on her lap rather than the hard floor.

"I knew you'd come back," she tells him, running a hand softly through his hair. "You always find your way home…..Mostly in one piece," she smiles. "But, baby, you've got to wake up. We've got to be down to the lighthouse in two hours – and you're gonna need a lot of work before then."

The others appear around the corner then, and Marshall and Ted manage to carry Barney into his room, tossing him down onto the bed. Robin sees to it that he's laid down comfortably with all his limbs going in the proper direction, but he certainly is a mess. She can smell the scotch on him, overpowering his normally amazing scent, and there's a small darker spot on the front of his pants.

"Okay, I think my fiancé peed himself a little." But that's alright. Not ideal, and certainly not pretty, but she doesn't mind. She's done some pretty disgusting things when drunk herself. Once she threw up all over Marshall's shoes.

It only takes her a second after that to appreciate what she's just said and she gets all chocked up realizing the upcoming significant change. "Tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say my _husband_ peed himself a little." Even now, on no sleep at all and having spent the past few hours searching for him, and with the possibly hopeless task of rousing him anytime soon, the thought nevertheless touches her heart and makes her melt a little inside despite what a mess he is at the moment.

Barney groans again and she immediately bends back down to see to him and try to make him more comfortable, resituating the pillow beneath his head. But it makes one thing clear; right about now it's time to face facts: he's nowhere near being ready to wake up, and certainly not ready to be in wedding clothes and over to the lighthouse for family photos in just two hours. Her dad paid for the whole thing and made it known how expensive it was. He may actually kill Barney if the session is ruined and he's out all that money because of him. It's a sentiment she communicates to the others as she tries to shake Barney up again.

But even trapping him in a bad photo doesn't work to get him awake. The picture is terrible and Barney's still passed out. Robin cradles Barney's face, one hand cupping his head and the other along his jaw gently nudging his cheek with little slaps, but it doesn't make any impact at all, and she asks the others desperately, "What do we do?"

Ted points out the irony that the only one who could get Barney back on his feet would be Barney himself, through his Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. It's worked magic for all of them at one point or another and would work for Barney too, but only he knows the secret ingredient.

"Well you know what Barney would want us to do," Ted points out.

Robin instantly knows what he means and rejects it just as quickly. "No!" she says insistently. "We are not doing 'Weekend at Barney's'." They're going to have traditional wedding pictures just like they're supposed to, not wedding pictures forever commemorated with the groom passed out. She just wants everything to be smooth and normal and perfect. No one has to know Barney got so drunk and took off last night.

So instead they resolve to have Marshall and Ted gather the other known ingredients to Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir while Robin and Lily find some way to get Barney awake long enough to tell them the secret ingredient. Then they can mix up the drink and get Barney up and at em by the time the photo session rolls around.

That proves easier said than done, however.

First Lily suggests they start simple with fresh ocean air, but that means they have to get Barney outside. They lift him up to a seated position as Robin softly coaxes him, "Come on, baby. Come on, honey", but they can't get him up on his feet or support him out onto the balcony. Robin comes up with idea to hoist him onto a room service cart – it worked to carry her into Lily's room on Friday night, so why not? – which they successfully manage to do. But then it won't fit out on the balcony and they realize the only way is to take him down the elevator and out the back door instead.

That only leads to further complications when they stop the cart above the stairs while Lily goes for the elevator and Robin, meaning well, runs to get him some water. Left unattended, the cart rolls down the stairs.

He makes it down to the first landing blessedly unharmed, and the cart stops when its front bumps into the wall. That's where Robin finds him slid off the cart and laying across the landing.

"Oh my god, Barney!" She hurries down to him and discovers he's okay. There doesn't seem to be a mark on him, but they wind up needing to drag his limp body up the stairs and back to the room.

And none of that even wakes him up slightly. Robin knows this is bad.

But they _have_ to get him awake long enough to tell her the secret ingredient. She's not giving up yet. Next she tries her dad's ways of getting them up for school: dunking Barney's head in ice water; holding his eyes open and forcing him to watch close-up grizzly attacks; threatening to cut off his tie – the thing that would mean the most to him – in lieu of a doll's head.

None of it causes so much as the slightest movement, just a soft groan.

"What are we gonna do?" Robin frets from her place on the bed straddling Barney.

Lily glances over and their positioning gives her an idea. "Try offering him sex," she suggests. "Just the dirtiest thing you can think of that he likes, something you wouldn't ordinarily do. I know that's not much with you two, but there's gotta be something."

Robin looks at her skeptically. "Offer him sex in his condition? Why would he even be interested?"

"This is Barney we're talking about," Lily scoffs. "He's _always_ interested."

"You do have a point," Robin recognizes. "Alright, I guess it's worth a try." She gazes down at her fiancée and slips into the role of seductress as best as she can at such a moment. Running her hands over his chest, she bends to whisper enticingly near his ear. "Barney, if you wake up we can mess around. You know that thing you keep wanting to do? Someplace we're not supposed to…."

That actually penetrates through the fog and gets him to move a little. His eyes never open but he starts to stir on the bed, and Lily scrambles to her feet so she can make a quick exit in the event Barney actually tries to make good on Robin's proposal. Yet only a few seconds later he's out again, flopping back down with his leg now bent awkwardly and his head hanging off the mattress.

Sighing, Robin climbs back up to her feet to stand beside Lily, rubbing her forehead to try to stave off the stress headache she feels coming on. "That's it. We've exhausted everything….I'll just have to call my dad and cancel."

But Lily reminds her there's still one thing they haven't tried: making out with each other. Robin gives her a leveling look; now is not the time for her issues.

"I guess there is one other thing besides that we could try," Lily contemplates.

"What? Anything." She's keen to avoid her father's displeasure, directed at either her or Barney.

"Show him porn. He loves porn."

"Lily, I just offered to _live_ porn with him and it didn't get him up."

"Exactly. He's so hungover he can barely function. But maybe you need to 'get him up'," Lily emphasizes deliberately, "before he'll be motivated to stay awake long enough for whatever it is you just offered him."

Robin mulls that over and it sort of makes sense. Honestly they haven't got much to lose, so she grabs the remote, pulls up the Pay-per-view menu, and selects the adult film that seems like it would appeal the most to him. They sit him up facing the TV again and Robin holds his eyes open to take in the graphic acts already occurring on screen just a minute in, but his eyes snap shut the moment she lets go. Even the over-the-top moaning doesn't do a thing to rouse him. Giving up, they shut off the TV and drop him back down onto the bed.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and Robin finally gives in, agreeing to try making out with Lily as a last resort to get Barney awake. And because Barney is Barney a little girl-on-girl action – especially with two girls he knows and one of them being his fiancée – is the only thing that finally does the trick. The second Lily's and Robin's lips touch his Barney senses tingle and he gasps, sitting straight up, awake just like that and ready to watch the show. Applauding and looking between them, he repeatedly mumbles for more.

Robin smiles in excitement, relieved that they've avoided her dad's wrath. But with no more kissing, Barney starts to pass out again. She holds him, begging him to, "Stay with us". They _need_ to find out the secret ingredient.

"Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie. That's the secret," he reveals.

That makes no sense. "Baby – " But his eyes start to close and he falls back down again. "No." Robin sinks onto the bench beside the bed that Barney is now using as a pillow. Putting her hand up in his hair, she cradles his head and pulls his arm up to rest across her lap.

What he said doesn't add up, because the drink actually did help them, all of them. There _has_ to be a secret ingredient…..Unless it was just all in their minds, like a placebo effect. "So Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie?" Robin shifts down to sit beside him as the others go on about how Barney just wanted to be a jerk and mess with them, but it doesn't ring true for her.

"Why did you lie?" Lily interrogates him.

Robin puts her hand behind his neck to support his head as he struggles to answer. "I love you guys," he eventually manages to get out.

"He loves us?" Lily repeats in awe. But a second later she wants to throw him down the stairs again to reawaken him, until Robin stops them.

She's done some musing of her own while they were riled up against him. She knows Barney loves them. The others never truly give him the proper credit for the love and loyalty and friendship he's shown them all, but knowing that herself it's crystal clear to her what happened and she has to tell them so they all appreciate it too.

Barney wasn't trying to mess with them. He gave them all that drink when they were each at their lowest. Marshall had freaked out about the bar exam, got wasted, and would have missed the last day of testing and never became a lawyer if it wasn't for Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. Lily was depressed over yet another negative pregnancy test, got drunk because she could, and would have missed her fieldtrip and been fired from her teaching job if it wasn't for Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. Ted had just got left at the altar and didn't want to get up off the couch ever again but for Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. And she herself had been terrified she wasn't good enough for WWN…..

* * *

><p><strong>January 9, 2012<strong>

* * *

><p>She's a mess. Robin has long known that. And, fittingly, she'd made a mess of herself the night before.<p>

The pressure was just too much. It had gotten to her and she freaked out and tried to drink her fear away.

Going back on the air again after over a year is a big deal – and this isn't some fly-by-night outfit like Metro News One or _Come on, Get up New York!_. This is World Wide News, as big as it gets.

The nerves would have been there regardless, but it only made it a million times worse that at the moment she's dealing with her fair share of other issues in her life. She recently found out how flawed her body is. There actually _is_ something wrong with her, just like her dad always said. And she's trying to make this thing with Kevin work. After the way he'd helped her out on New Year's Eve, leading to this chance to be on camera again, she'd even went as far as beginning to sleep with him now. But it's awkward and uncomfortable and she can't shake the knowledge deep down that it just doesn't feel right.

Everything is just a mess and she _feels_ like a mess, more inadequate than ever before. Her emotions are all over the place and she can't even seem to get her life together. How in the world is she supposed to make a go of it at WWN?

So she started with one scotch last night to ease the nerves – and then another and another, until she woke up this morning with the world's worst hangover. Now she's supposed to be at WWN headquarters to be briefed on her assignment and then out into the field in just three hours. With the throbbing pain in her head _and_ her sick stomach, there's no way that's happening. It's impossible. Any way you look at it, it's impossible. She'll just call in sick….and stay in the reliable, comfortable, risk-free research department for the rest of her career.

Her future thus decided, Robin burrows down into the couch, burying her head between the pillows, when the door to the apartment comes flying open hard enough to hit the bookcase. "Ugh, Ted! I thought you were going to be gone all day." Something about some new milestone with his building he had to go scrapbook. "If you're gonna be here you've gotta at least keep it down. My head is killing me."

"It's already done the job, by the looks of you," Barney quips from the doorway.

"Barney?" His voice has her sitting up for the first time all morning – and she hates herself for the way she unconsciously runs a tidying hand over her hair. "What are you doing here?" Then her mind goes back to last week's party when he and Ted turned the apartment into Puzzles for the night, and she heaves a heavy sigh. She's heard plenty of stories of what Barney was up to that night. "If you're looking for your cufflink again, forget it. Maybe next time don't have sex in Ted's room and these things wouldn't happen."

Barney smiles, balancing the sack of groceries he's carrying into one arm so he can close the door behind him. "That's not why I came. I already found the missing cufflink under Ted's bed a few days ago. And I didn't have sex with that woman, at least not if you go by Clinton definitions," he winks. "My cufflink just got caught in her hair when – "

"Ew, gross," Robin stops him. "I don't want to hear any more. In case you can't tell, I'm not feeling well today."

"Not feeling well?" He sets the bag down on the counter and leans against the kitchen doorway casually. "Is that your new phrase for getting drunk off your ass and feeling like death warmed over the next morning?"

"Shut up. It's not that bad."

"If this were a few years ago you'd be giggling through that answer." Robin frowns but doesn't argue and he continues. "You forget, I was there last night, so I know exactly how bad you feel this morning."

"Then you also know I'm really not in the mood to hear stories about your conquests." On the day when she's already about to give up a chance at her dream job the last thing she needs is Barney making it worse by giving a vivid account of how happy he is to be single and free – the silent implication being what a tremendous bullet he dogged with her back in the fall.

"I came because you need to be at World Wide News in the next few hours looking like the professional journalist you are," Barney corrects her. "I'm here to make that happen."

Robin shakes her head, grimacing at the accompanying pain. "I'm not going. I already decided."

"Of course you're going." He knew she'd tried to back out. That's precisely why he came. And once he heard from Ted that he was his the way to the GNB site, meaning Robin was all alone, he knew he had to get here as soon as possible because with no one there to stop her she'd spiral fast.

"I'm in no shape to go on the air, Barney. You said yourself how awful I look."

Robin has on blue and white plaid pajama pants and a red tank top – no bra, he can tell – with her hair pulled back into a low, messy bun. She's obviously not ready for a live broadcast, but he actually thinks she looks rather cute, soft and comfortable and bra-less….He shakes himself out of it, getting his mind back on track.

Coming to sit down next to her, Barney refrains from screaming in her ear to intensify her headache the way he'd once done to Ted. Instead he softly tells her, "You don't look awful, Robin. I was just messing with you before. Anyone who didn't know you well wouldn't even be able to tell you're hungover. You're still prettier than most women who are trying their hardest."

His compliment eases her suffering more than it should. However it doesn't change the fundamental facts – physical or otherwise – for why she can't go through with this today. "Even if I look fine, I feel awful. I'll never make it through a segment feeling like this. It's no use."

"Yes, you will," Barney proclaims in the triumphant tone he reserves for launching into fantastic tales. "Because I brought everything I need to make you Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir."

"What is that?" Robin questions cautiously.

He gasps in outrage. "You mean you haven't heard from the others? Ungrateful bastards," he heckles and it actually brings a smile to her lips. "Marshall, Lily, and Ted have all experienced its healing powers."

"But what is it?"

"It's a secret family recipes for curing hangovers in no time at all – and I think you know enough about my family to recognize we're experts on the subject," Barney wryly informs her.

"So you learned it from your mom?"

Choosing to ignore that he continues, "It came from my distant relative, Bernert Stinsonheimer. He invented it in 1941 during the Two Many Manhattans Project and the secret formula has been passed down in my family ever since."

Robin has to smile at that too because the story is so obviously Barney. Of course it's also obviously a complete lie. She just wonders if it's one he's aware he's telling or if it's another of his mother's tall tales that he's actually bought into himself. "So how did he discover this secret formula?" she asks even though she knows she's playing right into his madness. But she doesn't care. She's having a bad day and she's always enjoyed Barney's stories.

"Through trial and error, and a few laboratory explosions," he resumes theatrically, "Dr. Stinsonheimer was conclusively able to find the perfect medicinal combination of banana, ginger, Tantrum soda, crushed Funyuns, and one other secret ingredient. It's a miracle cure. Back in his day he even won the Bro-bel Prize."

"Mm-hmm. That sounds real." He's obviously full of it but the thing is, even when Barney's full of it there's usually a grain of truth in there somewhere. Maybe his drink will actually work, especially if it already had proved to be real for the rest of the gang. "Okay. What have I got to lose? Make me a Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir."

"Alright!" Barney exclaims, jumping up. When he sees her face screw up in pain, he lowers his tone. "Sorry. Alright," he whispers, walking into the kitchen. "You can come watch me make it if you want. When I get to the secret ingredient you can just turn the other way. But I warn you, there is a blender involved."

She groans at the thought. "No thank you."

That's exactly the reaction he wanted since there _is_ no secret ingredient, and Robin's too smart; if she were watching him closely she'd easily figure it out.

Five minutes later he comes walking back into the living room with a glass full of a bright green concoction with a thick foamy head. Looking at it, her reservations grow. She has the worst headache and she already feels like she's going to throw up. She'll never be able to get that down.

Barney sits beside her and offers her the drink while Robin tries to force her nausea down. But the truth is it doesn't matter; she's already given up in her mind. She'll stay in research forever. That's as far as she's ever meant to go. "Uch, no." She pushes the glass away. "I can't do it." And she means so much more than just drink the liquid.

"Yes, you can," Barney assures her with such gentle patience. "Your first day back live on the air is going to be legen – wait for it – dary!" he promises her, tapping her shoulder to get her attention off of covering her mouth and wallowing. "Legendary! _You'll_ be legendary, Robin."

"No, I _won't_. I can't do this. I can't do it, Barney," she admits with real vulnerability in her voice now. "I can't be on air again. It's been too long. I know it's just some small location pieces, nothing monumental – not like being an anchor – but this is _World Wide News_. I'm…..I'm not good enough. I'm not fooling myself; all my life I've never been good enough. I could never please either one of my parents, and I've tried everything to make my dad proud."

Barney looks at her softly with a warm, half-smile. "We've been over that. Your dad is an idiot." He wishes that just once she could see herself the way the rest of the world sees her.

Robin shakes her head sadly. "It's not just my dad. I've always been a joke; I know that. I wasn't thinking before. That's why I could do it on New Year's Eve. It was spur of the moment and I had no other choice."

"That just goes to show how great you are without even trying. You're not a joke," he tells her sincerely. "No one's ever thought that but you. And you're wrong. Metro News One and _Come on, Get up New York!_ may not have been the major leagues, but look at all the fan mail you got even when your viewership was small. That's because you connect with people. They feel a connection to you, and that's something only the very best broadcasters have. I've always believed in you, Robin. You have real talent. And not just in bed," he adds with a smirk.

Even at a moment like this, her heart flutters at his mild flirtation and she can't help thinking that he really means it – and clinging to that fact.

"And if all that isn't enough, you have Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir," he reminds her, holding out the cup once more. "It'll get you back up on your feet and winning broadcasting awards in no time."

She takes it from him now and brings it up to her lips, trying an experimental sip, and it's not nearly as bad as she thought it would be. It tastes mostly like bananas and citrus from the Tantrum.

"Well?" Barney asks.

"Too soon to tell." But she keeps drinking it.

"You'll start to feel it any moment now."

Robin takes another long drink….and her headache _is_ a bit lessoned. "You know, I do feel a little better."

"Sure you do."

Her stomach doesn't feel as sick anymore either. In fact she feels like she might actually be able to make it in time to do the segment after all. "I think this is really working," she says in surprise.

"Stinsonheimer didn't win a Bro-bel Prize for nothing. Just keep drinking it," he encourages her. "By the time you finish the whole glass it will be like last night never even happened."

Robin drinks some more and even at just halfway through she has to pause to marvel at it. "Barney, this stuff is amazing. I feel a million times better, and I'm not just saying that."

"Told ya."

She smiles. "You have to tell me the secret ingredient."

"It's a Stinson family secret, and last I checked you were a Scherbatsky."

"Oh come on," she complains. "You told me most of the ingredients in your story. Just tell me the secret one."

It feels impossibly good being close to her this way again, being able to banter with her. God, he loves her so much. And right now he loves that he's made her feel better and she'll be up and able to go to the job she's deserved all her life. "Ha!" he teases her because it feels too good not to and he simply can't resist; he's missed this. "I'll never tell you. I'll take it with me to my grave," he declares, raising an eyebrow playfully.

Robin gives him a look, smiling and shaking her head. In that moment she feels how much he means to her and she knows that no one else will ever compare.

"You'll never get the secret out of me, despite your feminine wiles," Barney teases again.

And her heart inconveniently skips another little beat as she feels a flush flood over her body. "I didn't know those were in play," she quips back.

"Those are _always_ in play," he assures her, and she laughs.

She tries not to keep thinking of him as anything other than a friend, tries not to keep wanting him….and loving him. It would be so much easier if they hadn't had sex just two months ago – phenomenal sex, sex with a connection like nothing else she's ever experienced before…..

But she _can't_ think about that. Because what they did was wrong. They cheated on two people. And she chose Kevin. Not that it matters anyway; Barney doesn't love her. He's attracted to her sometimes and they've always been the best of friends, but she gave him the chance and he didn't have any feelings to express. The most he could offer her was to "talk about us". Meanwhile Kevin loves her, and he's the kind of guy who will never give her any cause to doubt him. He's the kind of guy who gives flowery speeches, the kind who would steal a blue French horn. And that's the kind of a guy you're supposed to be with; everyone says that. That's a good, safe, solid bet.

Yet that doesn't change the fact that Barney was sweet and thoughtful and caring to come over here and get her back up on her feet this way, seeing to it that she doesn't miss her big break. It's easy to love a man like that and hard to make it stop, even when there are hundreds of reasons why it's dangerous to feel that way.

So she silently finishes the green drink, and he's right; it's as if last night never happened. Her stomach is hardly even sick anymore and her head's just a little sore. Nothing a quick aspirin on the way to work won't take care of. "Well, I guess I can go get ready now," she smiles, standing up from the couch. "I'll see you tomorrow at the bar?"

Barney stands up too, but looks at her like she's grown a second head. "Uh, I'm not leaving until I see you dressed and into the car I have waiting downstairs, where I'm then going to personally escort you to the WWN building."

"Barney, you don't have to do that. I'm good now. Really," Robin swears. "Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir did the trick, just like you said it would," she reports happily.

"Meh," he shrugs. "I've got nothing going on at work anyway." In reality there's a lot going on at GNB and he'd had to call in a favor to get the morning off to ensure she makes it into the studio. "I'll still take you."

Robin bites her lip, nodding. "Okay."

"Now go get dressed. You have worlds to conquer!"

Twenty minutes later, Robin exits the bathroom, showered and hair dried, crossing through the living room in her robe. Barney stops her to hand her a bowl of her favorite cereal he'd scrounged up for her. "There's still time to eat it while you get ready."

"Thanks," she beams, disappearing into her bedroom and closing the door.

After another half an hour that Barney passes watching the clock and flipping through channels on Ted's TV, Robin finally emerges with her hair and makeup done, wearing killer heels – and even suited up.

"See," he grins proudly. "You look like a million bucks, and we've still got an hour and a half to spare."

Robin can only regard him in awe. "I don't know how I can thank you. Before you showed up I really was going to call in sick. After all the work I've done to get here, I was going to throw it all away…..If you hadn't come with your magic potion."

Barney merely smiles affectionately. "That's what it's for. Now come on," he says, taking her arm and leading her towards the door. "Let's go make you famous."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>Robin was so grateful to him that day for bringing her the drink. But now she realizes none of it was Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir because it wasn't even real. It was all Barney, and he'd done it for each of them so they would believe in themselves again, believe they could do it, believe they could rally. It wasn't just fake, and it wasn't to deceive them. Barney gave them the help they needed by restoring their confidence and making them believe again, and she tells the group as much.<p>

"He lied so we'd be okay," she says tenderly, looking down at her mess of a fiancé, hungover, wet, and in bad shape – and she still loves him so intensely.

"I wish we could help him out the way he helped us," Ted expresses now that she's made them all realize the truth. "But the wedding photos are in twenty minutes."

It's impossible. That's what they're all thinking. "My dad is gonna be so pissed." She doesn't even want to think about what she's going to have to deal with.

"Yep. Barney's a dead man," Marshall agrees.

Robin's eyes grow big. "Weekend at Barney's". Of course they could never _actually_ pull it off. It may have been a funny movie but completely illogical in real life.

_Barney_ doesn't have to know that though. He won't have to know how angry her dad got or how she had to defuse that wrath on their wedding morning. In his mind it will simply be awesome. "Okay, guys, this is how it's gonna work….."

* * *

><p>So Robin ended up calling in and canceling the wedding photos. That much was unavoidable. And sure enough, come 10 a.m. on the dot insistent pounding sounds from the hallway.<p>

"Robin. Robin Charles! Open up this door."

Sighing, Robin goes to let her father in and face the inevitable. Pulling open the door, she doesn't even let him get a head start. "Look, Dad, I know you're angry, but – "

"Is Barney here?"

"Yes." That admission is all it takes for him to barge right past her. "But he's sleeping."

"You mean he's passed out," her dad says in disgust, eyeing Barney sprawled out over the bed.

"He had a little too much to drink last night," Robin admits. "But it wasn't entirely his fault."

Before she can even process what's happening her father hauls off and kicks Barney in the crotch. "Dad, stop!" she protests, pulling him away as he's going in for another kick. "I thought you were going to come to the wedding and be supportive like a regular dad?"

"I am, but do you have any idea how much those pictures cost? How much wasted money your fiancé just cost me? I can't believe he'd be that irresponsible."

"Come on, dad. We can get pictures at the lighthouse before the reception."

"It's supposed to rain later. That's why I switched the times."

"Well if it rains then we'll just have indoor pictures."

"Your sister's here," he tells her matter-of-factly. "I made sure _she_ showed up on time so she wouldn't ruin things. Next time maybe you can teach your husband the same manners."

"_Dad_."

"Alright. I'm not saying anything more. I'm just going back to find Carol. Remember, she's still singing at the reception."

"Yeah, dad. I know." How could she forget that as new and nice as they are his love and cooperation still comes with conditions? "Oh hey," she stops him as she's walking out the door. "Where's Katie now?"

"After her very blonde future brother-in-law failed to show up, she went to check in to her room. She said she'd catch up to you later. Something about a surprise. You know I don't pay attention to that kind of girlish nonsense."

"Right. I'll see you later, Dad."

The door shuts soundly behind him, and with that storm now passed Robin takes a deep, calming breath. She's been up all night, in a night that's been stressful in more ways than she cares to think about. But it's still just after ten. She has some time.

Kicking off her shoes, Robin sets the alarm on her phone for half an hour later and lies down beside Barney to take a nap.

* * *

><p>Forty-five minutes later, Barney wakes up and wonders how he got onto the bed in their room. But he doesn't have to wonder for long because the moment he turns his head he sees Robin standing over him, freshly showered and blow-dried and wearing a different outfit than last night.<p>

"Good morning," she says wryly.

"Do I even want to know how I got here?" he asks ruefully.

"I found you three hours ago down the hallway and Marshall and Ted carried you in here."

It's coming back to him now – going down to the bar for a drink, ending up outside instead, running into Kyle and Justin, his final teachings, and then trying his damndest to get back to Robin, which apparently ended in him passing out just a few doors down – and he nods, then immediately recognizes the mistake in doing so.

Watching him grimace, Robin hands him the can she has waiting on the nightstand. She should have known all along that Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir was a placebo as she'd never seen him using it himself. When he's the one suffering the morning after he always starts out with an immediate Red Bull or two, and then a ton of coffee with a teaspoon of bourbon in each cup. That's his real hangover cure.

After drinking half the Red Bull, Barney's able to sit up and actually doesn't feel too terrible. The hours passed out, along with the start of his surefire hangover fixer that Robin – bless her – knows by heart seem to have done him good. "I'm sorry I took off that way," he tells her when she reaches back down to take the can so he can scoot to the edge of the bed and try getting all the way up. "I didn't mean for it to be a big deal where people would be out looking for me."

Robin gives him a gently incredulous look. "You disappeared. Of course we'd go looking for you. Did you think we just wouldn't care?"

"I didn't mean to disappear," Barney frowns, regretful that he's caused a fuss. He swings his feet over the bed and onto the ground, moving to shrug off his suit coat.

"Here, let me help," she offers, setting down the can and assisting him in getting off his coat. She immediately sets to work on his tie next. "Where did you go last night anyway?" she asks as she pulls his tie free from his collar.

Barney watches her get up and carefully lay his suit coat and tie out on the footstool to avoid wrinkling – thinking of him even then – and he _really_ doesn't want to tell her the truth of his night. It's not that he'd done anything incriminating but it's bad enough that he unintentionally made her spend the night searching for him. Hearing at least one of the places he'd been while she was out looking is not going to sit well with her and he knows it. But he's not going to lie to her either, particularly when she'd made such a big deal about it. He loves and respects her too much for that. "Among other places…..I went to the Crab Shed," he tells her, his tone a mixture of resignation and contrition.

That has Robin spinning back around to face him. "You did _what_?" She'd been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but he actually went to a strip club, the one place she'd asked him not to go.

"I know it sounds bad, but just hear me out….I was drunk. So drunk I didn't even know what I was doing."

"Which is the perfect time to go hang out with a bunch of strippers and get lap dances."

"That's _not_ what happened. I wasn't even thinking about going to a strip club. I only went there because the boys needed to – "

"What boys?" she interrupts. Ted was with her and Marshall was busy fighting with Lily. Did James take him out for some kind of belated bachelor party shenanigans?

Barney sighs, deciding to start at the beginning. It's been a rarity in his life when he actually isn't guilty of wrongdoing, but this is one of those times. With Robin, it's _always_ one of those times and he needs her to know that. "After I left Ted's room I ended up wandering down the street. That's when I happened upon these two young guys. They were kids, fresh out of college, and I just thought here I am on my last night of being single; this is my chance to pass the torch and leave my legacy with these guys, making them into player kings like I'd been." Robin doesn't seem impressed but she hasn't interrupted him again so he goes on. "But they were terrible hopeless cases, not unlike Ted when I first met him. That's why I took them down the road to the strip club."

"Wait, _you_ took them there?" So far the story hadn't been that bad. However, learning the Crab Shed was his idea is a definite check in the 'bad' category.

Again, Barney knows a lie would be easier but he's not going to lie to her about this. "Yes, I did," he concedes, and she rolls her eyes, looking away from him. "But I was drunk and I just – I thought it would be okay because I wasn't doing anything wrong. And I _didn't_." He reaches for her hand, waiting until she looks back at him. "Robin, I swear to you. I didn't take any dances. I didn't touch any strippers. I didn't even _look_ at any women. My only concern was trying to teach the boys how to be awesome and….." He can see in her eyes that she's softening and he knows this next part isn't going to help his case but he also knows that full disclosure at this point is best. "….and rewriting parts of the _Playbook_ on napkins to give to them," he confesses the rest.

"_The Playbook_ too. All my favorite things then."

"Well they _had_ to have that to be player kings and truly pass along my legacy," he argues. "The bigger point being _I_ didn't want those things in my head anymore. I was giving them away, handing them over to someone else."

"But god, Barney, did you really have to go to a strip club on the morning of our wedding?"

"If you were going to teach someone how to be an expert journalist you'd take them out into the field, wouldn't you? That's what I was doing. And I was drunk," he repeats, perplexed. He's aware he can hardly offer that as a proper excuse but it does help explain the lapse in judgment. Honestly, he remembers sharing Glen McKenna with the gang after his slap, but everything after that gets hazy in a way that usually doesn't happen with him. He always retains at least some awareness. "I was _so_ drunk. I can't even remember how I got that drunk."

Robin feels a slight pang of guilt at his contrite confusion since she knows she herself is a good deal to blame for continuing to ply him with drinks for the fun of pumping him for information.

"But no matter how drunk I was, nothing happened," Barney continues. "I wasn't even thinking about that; I just wanted to teach them. Once I got the boys suited up they wanted to go back to their party so I taught them 'Have you met Ted?' to pick up women."

Robin's forehead furrows at that and she feels like she's just catching on to something.

"I had to, you know," he insists. "It was important. That used to be me and Ted out there and that's gone now. I'm getting married, and I couldn't be happier about that," he promises, squeezing her hand, "but _he's_ gone now. Ted's gone and – " Realizing what he's saying, what he's not supposed to be saying because no one else is supposed to know yet, Barney cuts off. "It's just _someone_ has to carry on the wingman lifestyle since it won't be us anymore."

All at once Robin understands what this is now. Barney must know Ted is moving to Chicago.

Once that thought starts rolling the rest quickly connects. _That's _what the two of them got into a disagreement about last night right before Marshall showed up. Ted must have finally told him he's leaving today, and obviously Barney was devastated, just like she knew he would be. Squeezing his hand right back, she sits down on the bed beside him as he tells her the rest.

"By the time I taught them 'Have you met Ted?' it was morning and I'd started to sober up a little so I gave them the _Playbook_ napkins and told them they were ready to take care of the game. Then I came home to you," he says simply, looking her in the eye. "Do you believe me?"

"I believe you," she nods. She doesn't even have to think about it. Even before, she didn't truly believe he'd do anything to cheat or jeopardize their relationship, and now knowing the full story she can see that this was all about him and Ted, and days of old, and leaving an era behind. Still, she has to know one thing for sure. "But why did you leave to begin with?...Were you having second thoughts about the wedding?"

"_No_," he swears, taking her hand in both of his now. "I wasn't having second thoughts. I wasn't and I'm not. But I was thinking about what a big deal it is getting married, and I was thinking about me and Ted, and…..I couldn't sleep." He hesitates and she can tell whatever he's about to say next is making him feel vulnerable and exposed. "Robin, the truth is it's been five months now and I guess I'm so used to you lying there beside me that I couldn't sleep without you. So I went down to the bar for another drink and then I was going to go get you, but I was too drunk to find the way back to our room and somehow I took a wrong turn and ended up outside. Then I just started walking down the road figuring I'd find the way back inside if I just kept walking. And the whole time I was walking I was thinking about the past and Ted….and that's when I ran into those boys."

"And you needed a new protégé to teach how to live one last time," Robin finishes for him.

"At some point I think I even called one of them Ted," Barney discloses.

"Well, I can't say I love that story, but I understand it." Ted threw them both for a loop last night. "I understand it more than you know." She smiles at him softly, setting her hand on his thigh. "I did like the part about half naked strippers dancing in front of you and you didn't even look."

"I swear I didn't. I love you so much, I couldn't even tell you if the carpet matched the drapes."

"Hmm," Robin nods. Then after a second laugher comes bubbling out of her, because if you think about Barney's past and where he's been that really is a profound indication of love; truthfully, even Marshall would probably at least look.

"What I should have told those boys was what no one ever told me back when I was their age and first starting out in the game: you can choose to be an expert in meaningless sex and legendary times with your bros and that'll be fun for a while – a lot of fun – but eventually it's going to grow old. It's never going to fulfil you in the long-term or make you as happy as finding that one special person and committing to them. I had to realize that the hard way. But learning that lesson," he reveals, "_that _is my true legacy, not how to be a player king."

"Excellent save," she smiles softly.

"Thanks. But I really do mean it."

Robin knows he does, and it brings on an attack of conscious of her own. "Listen, as long as we're talking about last night, _I_ know how you got so drunk. That was my fault, mine and Ted's."

"What do you mean?"

"You got to a whole new level of drunkenness, one we'd never seen before, one where you couldn't even tell a lie if you wanted to. So we asked you a bunch of questions we always wanted to know the answers to," she tells him mischievously.

Barney's eyebrows tilt down, wondering what they asked and what he'd said. "So let me get this straight, when I was too drunk to know any better you took advantage of that to grill me for information?"

"Yes…." Robin admits cautiously, not sure if he's upset. "But don't tell me you would have passed up the chance to ask some questions if I was Truth Serum Drunk."

"No. I think it's _awesome_," he grins. "I'm actually quite proud."

Robin smirks at the compliment.

"But, you know, I would tell you the truth when I'm sober if you really wanted to know something. I told you where I was tonight. I didn't have to; you probably never would have found out. I don't _need_ to be Truth Serum Drunk to tell you the truth, Robin..." He pins her with his eyes curiously. "But what exactly _did_ I tell you?"

"You told me what you do for a living," she slyly informs him. "PLEASE, government man. You're not a bad guy at all." She's surprised to see a hint of real alarm in his eyes at that revelation and it wipes the smile from her face.

"Does Ted know too?"

"Yes, he's the one who asked." She's even more surprised when, hearing that, Barney curses under his breath. "What's the matter?"

"There's a reason I didn't tell you, Robin. It's not that I wanted to lie to you – in fact I never actually lied to you about it; PLEASE _is_ what I do. But I didn't want you involved. For your own safety, I didn't want you knowing too much. And for the good of the raid, the less people who knew the better. The FBI told me not to tell _anyone_."

"Relax," she assures him, rubbing his leg. "We're not going to spread it around town. And you told me the sting is coming up soon anyway."

"In the next few months," he confirms.

"So it'll all be over soon. It's okay; it hasn't ruined anything…..You told us something else too," she says, sliding her hand further up his thigh. "You never slept with Ted's mom."

He sees her grin and his lips spontaneously form one to match. "Why does that make you so happy?"

She shrugs. "More of you just for me?"

"_All_ of me is for you."

Robin leans in and kisses him and he tastes of Red Bull and still faintly of scotch. Getting up, she retrieves the can from the nightstand and hands it back to him again. "Better drink it all. There's a second on the table. We've got to get ahead of this. We can't have you hungover at our wedding."

Barney takes a long swig, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I need to take a shower," he admits, picking at his same shirt from last night.

"Before you do that, there's one more thing we have to talk about." Her tone sounds serious so he looks up at her, giving her his full attention. "I know why you were so upset about bros and passing on your legacy. Ted's moving to Chicago."

"I told you that too, huh?"

"No. Ted actually did." Robin chooses her words carefully, wanting to be honest with Barney but knowing at the same time that the honest truth of what happened is going to upset him. "He told me he's moving, leaving right after our wedding, and he told me _why_ he's moving."

That has Barney up on his feet, eyeing her intently. "What did he say? Did he try something with you?"

She puts her hand on his arm calmingly. "No. Nothing like that. He just said that I was the closest he's ever come and that at times, recently, he's thought he might still have feelings for me." When Barney curses again she finds it important to add, "But he also said he knew it wouldn't make any difference. He knows I love you, and I told him we're getting married." She can see that made it better but the tension is still there across his brow and she wraps both arms around him, pulling him close. "How are we going to deal with this?"

She feels Barney's arms close around her waist in a much-needed hug.

"We pretend it never happened?"

"Just what I was thinking," she agrees.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, Barney comes out of the shower to find Robin fixing her makeup in the bathroom mirror. It's a heartwarmingly familiar domestic scene he's witnessed at least a hundred times since they got back together, but something about watching her primp this particular time makes him recall what they were supposed to be doing earlier today while he was passed out.<p>

"Robin, I'm sorry," he says genuinely.

She looks up, meeting his eyes through the mirror – but not before they take a little turn over his bare chest. "What for?"

"I just remembered the wedding pictures were this morning…..What happened?" he asks, not sure he wants to know.

"Oh don't worry," Robin smiles. "There's a whole story about that. We'll tell you when we get downstairs. I called the others and we're meeting them for coffee in ten minutes."

Over coffee – Barney's cup just a little bit spiked for some hair of the dog effect – they tell him all about pulling off a wedding photos "Weekend at Barney's", complete with her dad loving him more than ever and requesting the highest of fives.

When Robin sees how happy Barney is she doesn't regret the lie at all. Of course she'll have to tell him the truth eventually, but right now he doesn't need to know. It's far kinder to him this way.

"And look," Marshall establishes, "some good came out of all this. Seeing you like that, we all vowed never to get that drunk again."

Ted joins the vow now too and they all toast their coffee mugs to, "Never again." Of course time would prove it wasn't true, but they didn't know that yet.

"I wasn't _that_ bad," Barney maintains after taking a drink. "I mean, I can handle my liquor."

Marshall laughs right out. "You were a driveling pile of drool and pee – cause you peed yourself a little."

"I did _not_," Barney protests in outrage. Robin doesn't corroborate or deny. She simply puts her arm around his shoulders supportively. "I'll have you know that – "

"At least it wasn't a deucing this time," Marshall shoots back.

Barney gasps exaggeratedly. "That was a no questions asked, sir!"

"Yeah, but I didn't come through. I still owed you and had to sign you out of the hospital last fall to make good, so it doesn't count. I can ask questions, I can make fun of you for it. Anything I want."

Before Barney can retort, Robin sees Katie in the lobby and gasps herself. "Oh guys, it's my sister!" Pushing back her chair, she jumps to her feet. "Come on, Barney," she says, grabbing his hand eagerly and pulling him up too. "I want to reintroduce you."

They cross out into the lobby with their arms around each other but the minute Katie sees her sister her eyes light up too and Robin lets go of Barney to hug her. "Katie," Robin says when they both pull back, "I know it's been a while. You might not remember, but this is Barney," she smiles proudly.

"She remembers me," Barney insists, pulling his soon-to-be sister-in-law into a little hug. "How could anyone forget the Barnacle and his awesome stories?"

"Because all of them were stolen movie plots," Robin teases him.

"No, I remember him," Katie verifies to Robin before turning her attention back to Barney. "Hey, Sex Is Fun guy."

He grins at that, recognizing the Scherbatsky wit. "_Yes it is_. A whole lot of fun. Especially if you're doing it right."

"Barney," Robin shakes her head good-naturedly.

"Hey, she's twenty-two now."

"You're right," Robin nods, letting go of the whole big sister thing. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that Katie is fully an adult now and only a few years younger than she was when she moved to New York.

"I'm sure she knows it for herself now, am I right?" Barney says.

"You are," Katie smirks, "and it _is_ fun."

"Up top!" he proclaims, getting his first high five from her. "And if you're anything like your sister then you've got an appreciation for – "

"Barney," Robin warns, this time seriously, because there's no way her sister needs to know what she likes in bed.

Barney wisely yields to her hint. "And I'm just going to stop now because I'd like to have all that fun sex again sometime." Both Scherbatsky women can't help smiling at that and Barney does too, feeling purely happy in this moment. "Well I'm sure you two ladies have a lot to catch up on….Canada and all that," he shakes his head.

"Hey, One Quarter," Robin protests, running a tantalizing hand over his chest. "I thought you respected Canada now?"

"I do, but we tease that which we love. Isn't that what your hand is all about right now?" he asks playfully, capturing it near his belt and enfolding it in his, using the grip to pull her into a quick kiss. "I've got to go for my final suit fitting with Timmy G – and we still have to talk belts."

"Alright, baby," Robin smiles. "I'll see you later." She kisses him once more before letting him go, watching all the while as he climbs the stairs.

"He's gonna be an interesting brother-in-law, isn't he?" Katie asks.

"You have no idea."

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I decided not to include the Argentina flash forward because I'm going to approach the future years all at once now (don't worry, I'm only taking the part from 9.18 because the other half was AU and just didn't make sense with the first half anyway). As I said, I've got something planned for almost every year in between 2013 – 2030, and I'm going to do it all in one go in what will amount to probably two or more chapters depending on how long it all gets.


	69. 919

**Vesuvius**

* * *

><p>Barney's appointment with Tim Gunn back at his beachfront studio does not go as planned.<p>

It begins with the inevitable chit-chat about having just seen each other a few hours earlier that morning when Tim was suiting up the boys Barney met, but all Barney is interested in is _his_ suit. This will be the first time he's tried on the finished product and he can't wait to see how he looks in it.

He put everything into making this the finest suit imaginable. Of course he had to have something brand new for their wedding but he also wanted to be sure he looks incredible for Robin, so he took it a step further and ordered a suit that's completely custom tailored and made especially for him and especially for this occasion.

"It looks amazing on the hanger, T Gunn. It can only improve by slipping this hot body into it, am I right?" he jokes as he walks into the fitting room.

It's somewhere around stepping into one leg and then the other that he realizes the enormity of what he's doing. He's _wedding_ suiting up. He's about to get _married_ in this very suit in six and a half hours.

Barney feels the nerves start to kick in and he has to tamp them down. But those thoughts are quickly overshadowed when he next shrugs on the suit jacket. It inexplicably feels ill-fitting, itchy, and uncomfortable, not all what he'd expect of a designer of this caliber.

"Something's not right here," he says, opening the curtain and stepping back into the main room. "Are you sure this is my suit? Cause it doesn't seem to be fitting right at all."

Tim Gunn turns around to look at him and actually gasps.

"I know, right?" Barney expresses in a panic.

But the famed fashion consultant says the last thing Barney expected: "It's perfect!"

"_What_?" Barney questions in surprise, going over to the mirror to see for himself because he hardly believes that can be true.

And, indeed, when he looks in the mirror what he sees is just what he anticipated. The suit not only feels off; it looks off too. In the mirror he sees himself, a grown man, but he looks like a little boy wearing his dad's jacket. "Don't you see something's not right?" He lifts his arm and along with it the drooping sleeve of the jacket. "I mean, Tim. _Really_."

"Barney, what are you talking about?" he asks, admiring the gorgeous suit that makes the man in it look even more gorgeous. "It's to die for."

Barney makes a skeptical sound in the back of his throat. "Tim. Bro. We all have our off days. It's okay to admit it."

"I'll admit no such thing. This suit is an exquisite work of art."

Barney can tell from his tone that he means it and he turns back to the mirror again, thinking he might see something different, see whatever it is Tim Gunn claims to be seeing, but it's no use. "I – I can't wear this. I'll look ridiculous."

Hurrying back into the dressing room, Barney puts his old suit back on and hangs the new one up. "Here," he says, handing it back. "It's all right; no hard feelings."

"No, there aren't," Tim agrees haughtily. "You're obviously going through a…..thing," he says, waving a hand over him, "that accounts for your reaction. But take the suit with you, Barney. It's everything you wanted and it fits you perfectly. Try it on again later this afternoon. You'll see."

Sighing, Barney takes the suit just to humor his old friend. But he's heading straight back to the hotel and up to Room 9. It's a good thing he had his entire supply of Dolce & Gabbana suits shipped in for just such an emergency as this.

* * *

><p>Back at the hotel, Katie had surprised her with hockey gear and matching 'Scherbatsky' jerseys, the perfect gift as far as Robin is concerned. They quickly changed, moved some furniture aside, and are now in a heated one-on-one match in the honeymoon suite.<p>

Lily, naturally, doesn't approve but Robin tries to explain this is just how she relaxes. It's how she's attempting to feel a bit of normalcy, like it's any other day, which is exactly what she needs right now.

After her parents' ugly divorce and her mother's move, there was a brief spell where her father had a Swedish immigrant, Lovisa, employed at the house whose duty was to see to her day-to-day needs until her dad could make sure she was fully self-sufficient by the tender age of eleven. On the day her father set to begin her first hockey lesson, Robin was excited since she loved the game but she was also worried that she wouldn't be good enough at it to please him and make him proud. Her desire to play was quickly overpowered by her fear and she wanted to stay in bed and pretend she was sick, until Lovisa taught her on an old Swedish word: resfeber. While it has no direct English equivalent she told her it roughly translates to "the restless race of the heart before a journey begins, when anticipation and anxiety are tangled together". That was a lot for a ten year old to understand, even one as sharp and clever as Robin had been, so Lovisa simplified it down to "that nervous feeling you get before undertaking any new journey", and the kindhearted woman patiently explained to her that a new journey didn't have to mean physically going somewhere. A journey could mean attending a new school, or starting a new job, or in her case a new hobby or sport.

Right now it means entering into the world of married life, becoming a married woman – and 'resferber' is exactly how Robin feels about it. She's excited and she wants this more than anything; she has no doubt whatsoever of that. But at the same time such a huge life step is scary, and for a woman who spent much of her adult life running scared from commitment anyway it's sure to cause a feeling of at least some apprehension.

And it's all so real now with the wedding just six hours away. It's starting to freak her out a little for all the reasons that marriage has always freaked her out. This is a big leap to take, and even more so for people like her and Barney.

…Then there's the fact that she never found her locket and the potential bad omen attached to that. And while she has her dad and Katie here with her, her mom's not coming to the wedding. That certainly isn't how she wanted things. Maybe that's a sign too?

So Robin's strategy is if she simply acts like it's any other day and doesn't let herself think about it then she can control the fear and head off the freak-out.

Lily on the other hand _wants_ to keep reminding her that she's getting married today and expects her to act accordingly. In that spirit, Lily shows her the scrapbook she made, hoping that will do the trick.

_Barney & Robin: Lovers Forever and Ever and Ever, A Love Story_.

Katie calls it cheesy – and it's musical and everything, which isn't exactly doing much to detract from the claim. The truth is it's so not Robin's style, or Barney's style, or their style as a couple to make a musical scrapbook, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Moreover, at this particular moment it's all a bit overwhelming, so once Katie bails Robin sits down and turns on the TV, pulling up the Pay Per View menu to watch a movie instead. But Lily will have none of it, forcing her to look through the scrapbook.

As Lily begins to flip through it with the bride looking on under duress, Robin can definitely say this much, it is an amazingly comprehensive scrapbook. There are dozens of pictures of her and Barney over the years – some when they were just friends, some when they were together, some after they broke up and were back to being the best of friends again, and some since they've been engaged.

There's a picture of the evening they were all at MacLaren's and Ted introduced them to his girlfriend of the moment whose name no one can remember. Like many of the others she was totally crazy and insisted on lying about how they met playing World of Warcraft. Blah Blah, as they've since taken to calling her, eventually stormed out but not before mistaking her and Barney for a couple. Robin was so freaked at the notion, paranoid that her attraction to Barney was a little too apparent, that she denied it sixteen times. This picture was snapped later that night, after it was just her and Barney and Marshall and Lily, when Barney kept bringing up her over-the-top denial, vacillating between offense and accusing her of "protesting too much".

Next there's a picture of her and Barney with Marshall off to the side on the night when Ted was on the last of his Ten Sessions Challenge, when he ended up taking all of Stella's friends out to a movie. It was just the four of them back at the apartment eating popcorn and watching a movie they'd all already seen. Even though there were two other empty chairs she chose to sit on the floor close beside Barney, leaning against his legs, and Lily grabbed the camera from her purse and took a quick picture of them to remember the night.

Then there's the photo Robin made Ted take on the way to teepee laser tag of her and Barney in their rave clothes after they'd tried to complete the Murtaugh list. Barney's hair was as bright pink as her skirt and she too had a neon green extension braided into her hair. He was wearing a lime green tank top with a black mesh overlay, she was sporting huge green fake eyelashes, and they each had glow sticks round their necks. Both of them looked completely ridiculous but that didn't stop the night from being so much fun – even after Barney re-aggravated his back injury by grinding with her all night.

Next is a picture Barney took of the two of them high-fiving the brilliance of their deception while out to brunch after Lily finally let them out of Robin's old bedroom. Then comes the picture of her and Barney on the carriage ride in Central Park that he once cropped her out of to protect the secret of their relationship.

There's a picture of the two of them in bed together that she'd taken and used as her phone's home screen for weeks on end because they both at least had the sheets pulled up high enough to cover their nudity and they looked so cute and so happy and so in love in that picture that it made her smile every time she checked her phone.

The next page has the picture of all of them in their booth with the 50-year Glen McKenna that Lily and Marshall keep up on the wall of the apartment, the one where she's snuggled up adorably on Barney's arm. Then there's the selfie Barney took of the two of them at laser tag last summer after he begged her to come because "no one else understands the game….or will go with me".

There's a super-hot picture from this past New Year's Eve at McLarens of the two of them making out and Barney has her pressed back against the jukebox. Robin had no idea Lily even took a picture but she recognizes it as only minutes before they snuck into the bathroom to have sex just as the others started counting down into 2013.

There's a shot she remembers them posing for a few weeks later at their apartment of her showing off the newly resized engagement ring and Barney with one arm around her waist and the other holding up the framed page of "The Robin".

A group shot with Barney's arm over her shoulders and her hand on his thigh while they all sit in the ruins of Ted's apartment with the charred remnants of the exploded _Playbook_ still smoking in the background comes next, and then a picture Lily must have rushed to print just now while she and Katie were playing hockey of her and Barney kissing on ice skates at last night's rehearsal dinner.

And mixed in along with all the photos are a few of their private mementos like the piece of paper that said "Boyfriend & Girlfriend" from after they'd finally 'defined the relationship', and one of their text message conversations that Barney hand-transcribed – not even the one on top of his yellow legal pad from their secret summer but a different one, because when she examined it further Robin discovered that legal pad wasn't just one text conversation he'd transcribed before deleting it off his phone for fear that Quinn would find it. There were _dozens_ of conversations stretching over years' worth of time, all the way up until Quinn moved in with him. They filled nearly the entire pad of paper.

Robin recognizes some of these pictures and mementos as having come from Barney's box that he brought home from the storage locker before they even got back together – as soon as he and Quinn broke up, actually – just as she knows some of them came from her own private collection. At some point before this weekend Lily obviously must have used her key to their apartment to raid their stash of keepsakes, probably gloating all the while at how secretly sentimental they both are.

Robin has to admit it's touching to see their journey, their love story as Lily puts it, laid out this way, and it's touching just to remember that Barney kept those things over the years too. This whole scrapbook, cheesy though it may be, is a vivid reminder of their beautiful messy story and how very much they love each other, how much she loves him like crazy just looking at these pictures.

But looking at the scrapbook is getting her all emotional too and making their wedding day seem even more real – and frankly that's the last thing she wants because it's scaring the daylights out of her, the enormity of what's happening in only a matter of hours. Because it _has_ been a long and rocky road, and they love each other like crazy and they both want this but it's a huge thing they're doing. For all her anti-marriage talk she believes in the union tremendously, and she knows Barney does too – that's why he's been known to cry at weddings, both Marshall and Lily's wedding and Ted's mom's wedding. Robin too never wants to end up a divorcé, is determined she never will, and when push comes to shove would never be able to say "I do" unless she knows for certain that isn't even a remote possibility. The fact that neither one of them would ever get married lightly makes it even more a big deal, and she still gets scared sometimes wondering if two people like them are truly ready for this.

So when Lily draws her attention to the picture of the restaurant where she and Barney had what they've both come to accept was their first real date the night the others "couldn't make it" and it was just the two of them alone – the next page containing the receipt from that meal – right now Robin just has to get her focus on something else, something completely mindless and relaxing.

And it's not helping that Lily keeps driving home the once-in-a-lifetime magnitude of it all and imploring her to "appreciate the importance of it _right now_".

Looking up at the TV screen, Robin instantly knows that the only thing she can 'appreciate' right now is watching _The Wedding Bride Too!_. It's just the sort of mindless laugh she needs at the moment – and it genuinely is exciting to get this chance since Ted had banned them all from seeing it in theaters this past fall. Now she can watch it and he won't be able to say a thing about it because it's for the bride.

Lily leaves as soon as she turns the movie on, and that's fine with Robin; it means at least she'll stop nagging her. When Lily returns a few minutes later with Marshall in tow, it's refreshing to Robin that he's just as excited as she is to see the movie.

Watching a film together, drinking scotch, laughing at Ted – this is comfortable, non-frightening, normalcy here, not monumental life altering steps about to be taken. And even through Marshall's hypocritical yet amusing tirade when Narshall gets introduced – after just saying the whole film was no big deal and Ted should be flattered – it still feels fairly normal and everyday.

Until her grandma comes to the door.

Seeing a picture of her grandparents on their wedding day makes it real again, as does hearing the story one more time of the wildflowers her grandfather personally picked after the florist's mix-up just to make her feel better and now he's buried at the same church surrounded by the same wildflowers. Robin pushes her grandmother out the door as politely as she can, mumbling about hearing that story every holiday and it's not as touching as she thinks it is.

In reality, while she's not going to cry over it like Lily, it _is_ a touching story. Nevertheless, she can't think about stuff like that right now. It's like being in a Broadway play and it's opening night and you already have stage fright. The last thing you want to do is pull back the curtain and take a peek at the full house crowd. It only makes the nerves even worse.

Which is why all she wants to do is go back to watching the movie. But Lily won't let her and it spirals into a fight. Lily insists if Robin's wedding day is nothing special then she's not going to wear the bridesmaid's dress anymore. After that it becomes a game of playing chicken.

"Great. It's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?" Robin replies, still trying to downplay it.

But she does care very much. She'd spent hours picking out the perfect dresses with Lily – not to mention all the time and care she and Barney put into selecting the perfect food, flowers, music, all of it. However, right now she needs it to _not_ seem like the big deal that it is. So that's her story and she's sticking to it.

Yet when Lily leaves again only to return wearing her actual wedding dress, it severely tests Robin's will. It turns out Lily had hoped to recreate her and Marshall's awful wedding pictures by secretly borrowing their wedding photographer after Barney and Robin had gone upstairs for their wedding night and therefore would never know. But Robin realizes Lily is only ratting out her plan early to send her into a fit and she won't give her the satisfaction.

Inwardly, of course, she wants to rage against it. She was going to kill Jeanette over the thought that she might show up to her wedding in a white dress. There is no way in hell she wants Lily actually wearing a freakin' wedding dress, and she certainly doesn't want to share their photographer with another couple either. But she lies and says it shouldn't be a problem. She doesn't have any other choice. She has to stick to it not being a big deal at all so that no one suspects what a _huge_ deal she actually knows and feels and appreciates that it is.

* * *

><p>Over in Room 9, which he'd rented out for all of his suits "just in case", Barney takes momentary pleasure in Ted slowly figuring out his clever wordplay.<p>

Miss Susan Tup. Sue Tup. Suit up!

Man, he's a genius.

But after that it's right back to mental anguish as he urgently tries to pick a suit for the wedding. He's been through the whole room of suits – and the adjoining room too – suits that have served him well and that he looks good in, but none of them will do. Every suit has some kind of inappropriate memory attached to it of sex and debauchery. He knows it's not right to wear any of them; that's why he'd commissioned a brand new suit. He already left that life behind, and marriage means forever leaving it behind officially. That's why none of these are good enough to marry Robin in. He simply cannot find one that feels right despite Ted's yelling to choose a suit already.

It occurs to him at that point that marines have to get married in uniform. If he goes and enlists that will solve the whole problem for him and he says as much, but Ted stops him.

"Enough of this. Tim made you this amazing suit. Put it on."

Sighing, Barney agrees to try it on again, but it's no use and he knows it.

Once he's got on the suit that was supposed to be "Be-freakin-screamed", the epitome of class, style, and perfection befitting marrying Robin, he turns to show Ted what a disaster it is. The sleeves are drooping; the jacket obviously doesn't fit. Why is this even a question? The others should be able to see it doesn't look right.

As soon as Ted views Barney in the suit and clearly sees that his friend looks like a million bucks, he instantly figures out what the real trouble is. Nerves and jitters have begun to kick in. It's only natural that it should happen. By this point Marshall was only hours away from crazy enough to shave his head. Certainly Barney is going to have a few hiccups along the way. Trying on his wedding suit must have made it real for him and he's understandably scared.

"It just feels weird," Barney reiterates. Daunting, if putting on a suit can be described as daunting. Something about wearing this one certainly is. That's how he knows Tim got the suit all wrong.

It's just because it's new, Ted reasons. It's never been worn before. It's a suit he never dreamed he'd wear, and all of this suit's memories are still ahead of it.

Barney understands what he's saying. It's a metaphor and all that. And he gets it; it's true. But this _isn't_ wedding jitters. That's not the issue here. There is just literally a problem with the tailoring of this jacket. He hasn't gone _that_ crazy.

Ted makes him turn around and look in the mirror anyway. "Picture it. The ceremony."

"When everyone stands up for me?" Barney asks starry-eyed, still thinking of it as the groom's big day.

"They do that for her."

Barney nods and then drops the manic-ness for a moment, actually doing what Ted suggested and picturing the moment when he's standing at the end of the aisle and Robin begins walking to him, walking to the altar where they'll be joined forever. Just the thought alone softens and calms him. "They should. She's gonna look _amazing_."

Ted tells him to keep imagining Robin walking down the aisle, the two of them saying their vows, then the reception and their first dance. There's already a spontaneous smile on Barney's face picturing all that. They'd spent hours rehearsing this elaborate number to top all of their other wedding dance numbers and fully blow people's minds. Yet Friday night right before falling asleep they decided that after all the pomp and show-off quality of that first routine, later in the night they'll have a second 'first dance', a simple and traditional slow dance that's just for the two of them.

He thinks about that now, imagines holding Robin in his arm as his wife. He thinks about their future together, all the years, all the things they have planned and the way they've talked excitedly about it lying in bed late at night.

"Before you know it," Ted orates, "just like magic, you realize it's a perfect fit."

And it is. He and Robin _are_ a perfect fit, and as daunting of a concept as a successful marriage can be Barney knows that he and Robin will _never_ get a divorce. That's why he told Arthur they wouldn't need a prenup. He trusts her implicitly, unlike with Quinn, but it's more than just that. A prenup is only necessary if you think there's a chance you won't go the distance. But, on the contrary, they're both unwaveringly, immovably, steadfastly in this forever or they wouldn't even be doing it to begin with. Marriage is something they've both been afraid of, but they're making an all-in commitment to each other anyway because they believe in their relationship and their love that much. There isn't anything they can't conquer together – and this weekend has shown them that over and over again. They can work as a team, make decisions together, always put each other first over _everything_ – career, family, you name it. And perhaps the hardest of all for them, communication, they've even proven they can master that, talking to each other about feelings as they arise and the other one was right there, eager to listen and offer support and comfort. He was there for Robin through his mom's antagonism and discovery of her infertility and through the disappointment of her own mother not coming, and when the sting of his mom reuniting with James's dad and not his opened up old wounds he was able to freely come to Robin, unburden himself and what was bothering him, and they talked it through together.

They have a perfect give and take, always supporting each other, always able to give the other exactly what they need and inherently put the other's needs first. There isn't anything they wouldn't work through and sacrifice, no mountain they wouldn't or couldn't climb, no distance they wouldn't cross to be together. Because being together is the _most_ important thing.

That's why they're getting married, to be together always. That kind of unbreakable love and connection that no one and nothing else could ever compare to, that absolute _need_ to be together, that love they couldn't stop any more than they could stop breathing, is undeniably the kind of love and marriage that will stand the test of time.

Barney's smile widens as he looks down into the mirror and sees that he _was_ being that crazy before. Because this suit is a perfect fit.

This suit is _amazing_.

"You're right, Ted." There's nothing wrong or mismatched or ill-fitting about this marriage suit. It's what he's _always_ been meant to be wearing. "This is the one." This suit. This marriage. This woman. He's whole life has led up to this. And that's not frightening; that's awe inspiring.

Realizing that, he feels a contented calm settle over him once more and he thanks Ted for helping him through his nerves – but now it's time to moves on to belts. Literally. There honestly is nothing figurative anymore. He's just going to make damn sure he's the hottest groom possible for Robin.

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later and still in his wedding suit, Barney comes to join Robin back in their room and see if she approves. He has no idea why Lily's wearing a wedding dress but he doesn't care. His only focus is making a beeline to Robin.<p>

Robin reaches for him before he's even all the way at her side. Having him there immediately calms her nerves. When he's there with her, when they're together, everything just feels right. He has a way of making her fears disappear just like that.

She pulls him to her and he leans on the chair, bending down to kiss her as Lily proclaims of their equally blasé attitudes, "You two were made for each other." Thoroughly agreeing, Barney goes back in for a second, lingering kiss before rising up to smile down at Robin who smiles contently right back.

"I see you've been playing hockey," he whispers playfully, fingering the sleeve of her jersey.

"Canadian wedding day tradition," Robin explains, still smiling, feeling like nothing could dim her smile now that he's beside her again.

"You Scherbatskys are singular women," he tells her flirtatiously. "It's no wonder I thought about you so much while I was at my fitting."

"Mm, I missed you too," she murmurs softly. His mention of the fitting reminds her of just exactly what he'd been doing for the past two hours and she glances down at what she now clearly notices are new clothes. "Is this it?" she asks excitedly. He nods and she gives him a quick onceover. "Oh, I _love_ this suit. You look super-hot," she adds suggestively.

"Yeah?" Barney grins. "Well I – "

Lily interrupts any further conversation but Barney keeps his arm around Robin's shoulder as he stands behind her.

While Lily is now willing to admit that it's their weekend so it should be their way and preference, she still wants some formal and significant acknowledgement of the weighty circumstances they're all in because as she puts it, "This is as big moment for all of us. This may be the last time we're all hanging out together for who knows how long."

Barney glances down at Robin and the two exchange a look.

_Does Lily know about Ted moving?_ Barney silently questions.

Robin answers back telepathically, _Or does she mean Italy?_

_But I thought Italy was off_, Barney responds.

_Maybe it's back on after their fight last night?_ is Robin's wordless reply.

They don't have to speculate for long because in her next breath Lily spills the beans about Chicago. Ted's angry at first until he reasons it out. Barney already knows, he announces, and Barney nods, looking down to Robin again.

_Does Ted know that I know that you know?_ Barney inaudibly wonders to her.

_He must have realized we'd talk about it, right?_ Robin reasons.

Ted confirms as much a moment later by revealing to the entire room that Robin knows too. In fact they _all_ know.

"Lily's right," Ted agrees. "We don't know the next time that we'll all be together."

Barney's hand on Robin's shoulder tightens, but it's that very solemn statement that makes Lily realize that sometimes distraction _is_ the best thing. Why dwell on sad things, or anxiety-inducing things, or anything that's beyond your control? It's best to just be happy and enjoy each other's company in the moment. So she too sits down to watch _The Wedding Bride_ sequel.

Robin proclaims it movie time once again and Barney moves around from behind her, starting to slip in between her chair and Marshall's to come sit on the floor in front of her. But then a thought occurs to him. "It's not bad luck for the bride to see the groom in his wedding suit?" he ponders, again getting the wedding traditions and superstitions backwards.

Robin just finds it cute. "No, I think it's fine," she assures him sweetly. Smiling, she reaches up to run a hand down his tie, complimenting him on that too. He really does look suave and handsome.

"Thanks," he beams, feeling a gush of warmth at her flattery. "There was a cornflower blue one I almost went with." But he's so happy she's approved of this choice.

"Oh," Robin says with a hint of regret. She can just picture how he'd look in that other tie. "That would have brought out your eyes," she remarks, nodding at the loss but smiling all the same to let him know this tie is okay too even if with the other one his eyes would have looked so amazingly blue – bluer than they already are, which is nearly impossible. But now it gives her something to look forward to seeing him in later.

Barney can see she would have preferred the blue one but he was trying to pack light and didn't even bring the other tie…..He starts to twitch in nerves again.

Marshall soon saves the day, however, by offering the sufficient distraction of suggesting the groomsmen all go have lunch together so Ted won't have to watch the movie.

"Oh I appreciate that, Narshall," Ted ribs, revealing that even though he'd banned the others he himself had already seen it when he was on the plane to Chicago last month to check things out.

"What? So this is gonna be like a thing now?" Marshall asks.

"Yeah it's gonna be a thing now," Barney retorts, scarcely containing himself. "_Narshall_. Right?" he laughs, repeating Narshall as he points and laughs some more.

"Dude," Ted admonishes, "settle down. Swarley."

Barney's grin instantly wipes away, but now _Marshall_ is grinning. "Yeah. Yeah, Swarlize Theron. Take it easy."

Barney wisely recognizes this is just a preview of the afternoon ahead, maybe even the _weeks_ to come if they're starting this back up again full-scale. "Man," he grumbles, heading out the door. "This was supposed to be my special day."

Robin listens from her chair and laughs gently to herself. Barney always hated it but hearing it again makes her miss calling him that. Originally, she had been a part of egging them on to keep it up. She enjoyed teasing him that way back then; it was the closest to flirting that was allowed at the time.

With the guys now gone, over the next half hour Lily and Robin watch the rest of the movie and Katie even comes back in and starts watching with them. At nearly 2 p.m. just as the end credits begin to roll, Robin gets up to refill her drink but discovers they're out of ice. Lily offers to make the ice run but Robin opts to go herself and hit up the vending machine on the way back.

It's out in the hallway on the way to the ice room that Robin sees a familiar figure heading her way and she stops dead in her tracks. This is totally unexpected, not even in her wildest dreams at this point, and she blinks, overcome with emotion – and simply wanting to make sure this is real.

Her mom came.

Her mother hasn't exactly been the warmest maternal figure, or a steadfast role model, or a go-to person for guidance, tenderness, and an understanding heart. Hell, she often hasn't even been that good of a parent. But, somehow, she braved it all and came through for her today.

Robin throws down the ice bucket, already crying, and runs into her mother's arms, hugging her fiercely. She's unspeakably happy her mom is here, that she came after all. She came for _her_. It's so rare in her life to experience a showing of parental love, and this just makes her wedding day complete.

…..And it also makes the enormity of it hit home once and for all.

Her mother hasn't been on a plane in twenty years, but she did it today. Because this is such a _huge_ moment.

All at once it comes crashing down on Robin, her 'Holy crap! This is my _wedding_!' moment. There's no downplaying it anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>8 Hours and 45 Minutes Later<strong>

* * *

><p>The reception has been going on for a while now – the toasts, dinner, official dances, cake cutting, and all the formalities over and out of the way. Now it's just time for some fun.<p>

Barney's jacket came off about fifteen minutes ago and Robin likes it that way. She can run her hands up and down his arms and feel his biceps through only the softness of his dress shirt – and his forearms through nothing at all since he has his sleeves rolled up. If he lost the tie it would be her second favorite look on him next to completely nude.

While she glides her fingers over him, Barney's hands settle at her hips as they enjoy this slow song and the nearness it allows. Their other guests are dancing all around them but Barney and Robin are oblivious to anyone else at the moment. They only have eyes for each other, off in their own little world. It's been that way ever since "Sandcastles" started and she began her walk down the aisle to him.

"So," Robin says, nudging a little closer as they dance, "I never got a chance to tell you earlier how excited I am that Swarley is back in play. I always thought that was cute," she tells him impishly.

"Not you too," Barney cries in mock offense. "How would you like it if I start calling you Roland again?"

"But that's not cute," she reasons.

He considers that a second, and she finds the little furrow between his eyebrows the most adorable thing. "Alright then. Sparkles," he decides mischievously. "How would you like it if I start calling you that?"

She giggles at the lack of merit in his argument. "You _have_ called me that a few times."

"Yeah, but you don't hate it." He spins her around in the dance, drawing her body even closer to his. "I think you secretly like it," he whispers cheekily.

Robin merely smiles because he has her there. But she's got his number too. "You don't hate Swarley either."

Barney gasps. "What? I – are you kidding? Yes I do."

"No. You don't. Not really. You just don't like being teased."

He ponders that and realizes she's right. It's a stupid name but nothing offensive. He just didn't like being made to feel the butt of the joke, and Robin was perceptive enough to understand his indignation over it before he even did. Still, he's Barney Stinson and now fully awesome. It's been a _long_ journey to get that way and he'd like to be called by his given name, thank you very much.

"Unless it's a certain kind of teasing," Robin amends, leaning in close to set her mouth against his jawline. "_Swarley_…." she breathes hot and drawn out and sexy, licking the shell of his ear. He shivers and his grip on her hips tightens. "See, you like it," she smiles.

"I like your tongue," he insists.

"Swarley," she repeats in an even deeper octave, reaching around and allowing the fingers of one hand to cup and then squeeze his butt cheek.

His hips jerk into hers. "I like your hands too," he offers by way of explanation, his voice noticeably lower now as well.

Robin grins slyly. "It just proves you could be into it…..Swarley," she purrs seductively, sliding her hand down his chest and abs now to play naughtily at his belt, enjoying teasing him this way.

"Minx," Barney murmurs, smiling softly down at her with _that_ look, the one that's half love and half lust and always makes her melt. "We've been married for almost four hours and I haven't got to touch you yet."

"You will," she promises amorously, slipping one finger beneath that belt and into his pants to graze his lower abdomen.

He groans at the exquisite torture of it. "Since we have a reception _tent_ there isn't even a bathroom stall we can slip into, except inside the hotel….But once I take you inside the hotel we are not coming out until it's time to catch our plane – and you'll be naked as soon as the door to our honeymoon suite closes."

Barney's expression darkens and Robin feels her blood heating and her heart beating faster at all the things that look promises are soon to come – most of all her. "Can I call you Swarley tonight while we're having sex?" she can't resist teasing him again.

"You do and I'll stop."

"I doubt that," she laughs.

His eyebrow shots up. "Are you proposing a challenge?"

They have had challenges like that before, jinx swears and seeing who can make the other cry out first, but not tonight. "No," she shakes her head. "I'll only be calling out your name tonight. Again and again," she enticingly swears.

"Mmm," he hums flirtatiously, bending down to kiss her with more passion – and tongue – then they probably should be exhibiting in front of friends and family.

When they break apart a few moments later, Robin smiles. "But on the honeymoon, all bets are off." His features twist into exaggerated pseudo hurt and she laughs delightedly. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding," she assures him, wrapping her arms around her husband and pulling him closer until they're in full body contact.

And now it's Barney who reaches down to cup _her_ butt and cop a feel.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: Just a note to let people know I've decided to finish this story before starting my next one (or posting it anyway, as most of the first chapter is already finished). That's what I'd planned to do all along, since whatever I'm writing at the moment I go all-in with and I didn't really want to split focus that way. I was just concerned that after that abomination of a final episode no one would be interested in anything strictly tied to the canon world of 1.01 - 9.22 anymore. But that has thankfully proven not to be the case (and I'm glad, because one bad AU hour written by one man in 2006 shouldn't discredit an entire show or change our love for it; the story still stands the way all the others wrote it, acted it, and believed in it all these years). And since you guys are all willing to wait, I'd rather put all my focus into finishing this story, particularly because I'm very excited about completing the wedding and future chapters. I've worked on those parts a lot and have it all mapped out and several scenes entirely written and I'm anxious to tie it all up neatly before moving on to a new project.

So, please, everyone hang in there. I know with the wedding jitters it's going to get a little rough for a spell in the upcoming chapters but I _promise_ you everything will work out wonderfully for B/R with lots of feels by the end of it.


	70. 920

**AN**: This chapter is shorter than my usual (and the next likely will be too) because really this episode was primarily made up of stalling. There were some important Marshall/Lily developments but even with those the vital part amounted to 3 minutes at the most, and the portion dealing with Robin's mother and how she kick-starts her wedding jitters is certainly important to this story but that collectively amounted to 3-5 minutes also. Bottom line, this episode shouldn't have been more than 10 minutes long. That's all the more story content that is in it.

And Barney is lacking in almost any plot here. He just follows along as a witness to Ted's pointless detective antics. So for this chapter we're not going to see much of his perspective because there's simply not much to show or examine.

* * *

><p><strong>Daisy<strong>

* * *

><p>After the astonishment of her sudden appearance wears off enough to function again, Robin takes her mom back to her and Barney's room, and after introducing her to Lily she just <em>has<em> to hear the particulars of how she got to Farhampton.

Robin's aware she must have taken a plane; there's no other way she could have made it here in time. But with her mom's extreme fear of flying she can hardly believe it. Hearing the story from her, it was just as awful as Robin would have imagined it, worse even, as her mom is now considered a homeland security threat.

Yet Genevieve braved it anyway just to be here with her now, and to Robin's mind that goes a long way toward making up for her other failings.

Robin has always had a complicated relationship with her mother, but she's come to realize that's simply because her mother is a complicated woman. The root of most of that complication derives from the fact that her mom never got over her dad. She never got over the marriage or the divorce, and she became resentful and jaded over the years because of it. Meanwhile, her dad moved on entirely. He rarely mentions her mom. Even when she was still a child he never did. And if Robin brings her up in conversation her dad says next to nothing and acts almost as if he never really knew her. But bringing up her dad to her mom will lead to an hour long rant taking off on various different tangents.

Robin long ago suspected that's because there are still feelings there on her mom's side and certainly still hurt, though Genevieve would never admit it as much herself. Yet the facts speak for themselves. There's never been any other man of significance in her mom's life, and she still wears her wedding band now, twenty-two years later, while her dad is on to wife number two who he genuinely does love in a way he never loved her mother, because for Carol at least he actually _is_ trying and has made great strides. But her mom is still hung up on the past, hung up on a relationship that wasn't meant to be.

That's the very reason Robin doesn't blame her mom so much for the things she endured in her dysfunctional childhood. She knows her mom was just trying with everything she had to hold onto her marriage, even though her husband didn't love her and even though it meant losing all of her own self-respect. That's why Genevieve put up with his assorted mistresses and allowed the most long-term of them to dine with her family, and even offered to join them in the bedroom if that would keep him around and keep her a part of things. Robin can speak to that point personally after that time when she was ten years old and she accidentally walked in on her mom and her dad and his "special friend" Brandi. But eventually that wasn't enough and her dad wanted a divorce – and even then Genevieve let him have his way, let him keep Robin while she left with Katie, another girl and an infant who he had little interest in.

Her mom should have fought harder for her, there's no doubt about that. She should have fought harder to keep her from being raised under such traumatizing conditions as her dad created. Conditions that, to be fair, significantly worsened once her mother left. However, Genevieve was well aware of his desire to literally raise her as a boy even when she signed over custody.

For the longest time that fact made Robin feel as unloved and unwanted and just-not-good-enough in the eyes of her mother as she always knew she was in the eyes of her father. But as she grew older she came to realize there was more to it than that. _Both_ of her parents had their own issues and, unfortunately, both of her parents put those issues on her and left her to deal with them for all of _her_ life.

Going to live with her mother may have gotten her out from beneath the immediate control of her father and his issues – though it was too late by then and the scars were already there. But living with her mother as a teenager only meant she was then exposed to and picked up many of her _mom's_ issues.

The truth of it is her mom is the one significantly responsible for warping her on the concept of love and permanent relationships. Even after witnessing her parents' toxic marriage and bitter divorce, even while needing to dress and act like a boy to please her father, Robin still believed in love and marriage despite the fact that she had to hide that belief from her dad in the same way she hid her grandmother's locket. Her dad may have suppressed her actions but he couldn't restrain the heart or feminine feelings of the fourteen year old girl underneath. She kissed her hockey teammate with abandon right in her father's study – and it wasn't even the first time.

Under the freedom that living with her mother provided, Robin had as many crushes and was as interested in boys as the typical teenage girl, as her Robin Sparkles lyrics would attest. She had a string of teenage boyfriends but, like the typical teenage girl, she didn't have very good judgment and none of the boys were quite worthy. That began the downfall. She eventually lost her virginity to Brian, who she'd truly liked, but he was only using her for a test of his homosexuality and wasn't particularly nice or understanding about it afterwards. And then came the nightmare that was Simon, who she'd felt the deepest for yet and at that age genuinely believed herself to be in love with. There were some equally disappointing boys after that who likewise used her, and then her obsession with Paul Shaffer and the downward spiral that followed after his rejections and restraining order.

Through it all her mom would repeatedly tell her until she finally convinced Robin too that all of those bad things happened to her because those were just the ever-present and inescapable consequences of love and relationships. Like her father, most men are incapable of monogamy, and the few who are will only try to tie you down while looking out for their _own_ interests. That's why believing in love will only get you hurt; just look what happened to her. Better to swear off relationships and maintain your independence. Never get married, and avoid romantic love and feelings at all costs – it doesn't exist anyway.

And that was the philosophy Robin held to for the next ten years, until that night at MacLaren's back in 2005 that would eventually change everything by bringing the gang into her life.

But her mother pulls her from these thoughts and back to the here and now when she asks after Barney and if it's possible she may have met him already because getting tased makes people lose their short term memory.

"Oh you'd remember if you'd met Barney," Lily affably chimes in.

Robin smiles at that. Barney is definitely unique and one of a kind. She's never met anyone like him. Because there _is_ no one like him. She feels a little rush of love just thinking about him now, and her smile grows.

Playing the dutiful maid of honor for the moment because she really hasn't been very helpful up till now, Lily stands up, offering to call the groom, tell him the news about his mother-in-law's arrival, and arrange a meeting.

Meanwhile, out on the porch downstairs, talk of the recent trouble in Marshall and Lily's relationship dominated the groomsmen's lunch as Marshall broodingly confided in them about the huge fight they had last night where Lily mysteriously took off, and through Billy Zabka they were able to piece together that she got into the Captain's car at three in the morning and headed to his place.

The possibility, as unthinkable as it is, that Lily may have contemplated cheating or at the very least has an uncomfortably personal relationship with her boss was upsetting for Barney to think about – he fell to pieces when he thought they were getting a divorce years ago – and on the eve of his own wedding too, and he turned to the Saltine Challenge as a pleasant distraction. But he's thrilled when Ted answers his phone and tells him that Robin's mom came for the wedding after all, and he promises to come right up as soon as he finishes what's only a minute long challenge anyway.

Upstairs, Lily hangs up the phone and, having overheard, Robin questions, "The Saltine Challenge? Now?" She finds it odd behavior at an important time like this, less than four hours before their wedding, but she doesn't think much of it. Like Lily says, guys do weird things on their wedding day – women too for that matter; _she_ was playing hockey in the hotel suite just a couple hours ago.

Genevieve jumps in to add her opinion with, "Well on my wedding day….", and it already makes Robin uncomfortable that her mom is starting in with the subject now. She dwells on Robin's dad and their past relationship too much to be healthy anyway, and to bring up a failed marriage just before _her_ wedding is in very poor taste.

Then her mom mentions how her dad completely disappeared for about three hours on the morning of their wedding.

Robin can't deny that's troubling to hear, troubling to consider, because it's just what Barney did this morning….It starts her thinking, starts her _worrying_ – and she doesn't like the train of thought at all.

"But this Barney, he sounds like a fine young man," Genevieve brings things back around to topic.

Robin nods and smiles and tries to shake off what her mom just said. It's only a small coincidence, she tells herself. It doesn't mean anything. And she was just as much to blame for keeping Barney so drunk that he barely knew what he was doing. "Yes, he is," she agrees.

And then her phone rings.

Down the street heading towards the Captain's, Barney recognizes he has to go with Marshall and be there for him as he tries to figure out what happened with his wife and what she was doing with another man in the middle of the night that she won't tell him, especially when the two of them tell each other everything. Anyone could see it was eating away at Marshall. Barney knew it was important to settle it now, before it got closer to the time of the ceremony, or Marshall would live in torture until at least the next afternoon. Yet he equally understood that meeting Robin's mom is important too. But at the very least there will be time for that at the church. There is no other time to confront the Captain and sort out this Lily mess other than right now, so he made the choice to go help his friend. But he calls Robin on the way to let her know what's happening. "Baby, I can't wait to meet your mom. But I kinda got to go on a little excursion with the boys right now."

"_What_?" Robin responds. An 'excursion with the boys' just hours before their wedding? What is _that_? "Where are you going?" She's displeased with this turn of events when coming upstairs right now should be his top priority. What could be more important than meeting her mother who she was crying over for hours yesterday and who it's a miracle she even came?

But at the moment Barney's not quite at liberty to spill the whole truth. For one thing, Marshall is right there beside him. For another, Lily is right there with Robin, and until he knows what they're going to uncover it's a delicate situation. "Me and the boys have to go teach someone some manners," he explains as best he can.

Hearing that, it's like that day in Central Park all over again. Robin needs him to be there for her but he's busy with his own interests. And what's far worse, that's _exactly_ what her father said and did on her parents' wedding day. The thought makes her stomach begin to churn.

Seeing the look on her face as she hangs up the phone, Lily inquires if she's okay. "No, I'm not okay. Because apparently I am marrying my dad in a few hours." And if that's true, if she is marrying a man like her father, well she's already seen how that turns out.

Her mom rushes to tell her that's not so, that this is just one little parallel instance where Barney's not coming right away but it means nothing. "There's so much you don't know about your father. There were so many other red flags in our marriage."

Robin's still left feeling uneasy, but she thinks her mother is probably right.

…..And then her mom _keeps_ talking, filling in those red warning flags.

Before they got engaged, he was first engaged to a stripper. "Hello!" Genevieve derides, as if any fool would touch that with a ten foot pole. "Red flag!"

Robin's eyes widen in terror, her breath coming quick now in panic.

To impress women, he dad once dressed up like a Prussian aristocrat and had a painting made of "himself" that he posed next to it, her mother continues the list.

That was literally one of Barney's old plays, and Robin can't seem to get in enough oxygen, feeling an anxiety attack building.

He'd always take his mother's side over hers – Barney just did that on Friday. He never checked with her before making plans – Barney did that on Friday too. Her parents had a huge fight right before their rehearsal dinner – she and Barney fought in laser tag jail.

Robin desperately drains her glass of scotch, and that's before her mom even gets to the two other doozies. For the first ten years her mom didn't know what her father did for a living and every time she asked he'd just say please. And her dad slept around before they got together too, her mom informs them as Robin downs more scotch. Back when they were friends for years first and she found it entertaining to watch, he'd actually been with twenty different women. "I should have known back then this was _not_ husband material," Genevieve says scathingly.

Distressed tears begin to form in Robin's eyes. Her mom calls a past with twenty women "not husband material"? Barney's numbers are well into the two hundreds.

The obvious detrimental effect this is having on Robin, who was likely to be skittish before the wedding anyway, has Lily up and on her feet, encouraging everyone to just calm down. "It's no big deal," she soothes Robin. "I'll call up Barney and tell him he needs to come right away. You just have to let him know when something's important to you," she advises.

Over at the Captain's estate, when Barney gets Lily's call that Robin is "freaking out" he assumes it's because he's still not there to meet her mom. But when Lily lets him know this is serious, demanding to know where they are, Barney admits what's going on. And that knowledge has Lily sinking down onto the bed, ashen-faced.

The second Lily gets off the phone, clearly upset, Robin's mind instantly jumps to the worst. Blinking, she asks anxiously, "What is it? What's wrong?" For just a second her mind entertains the question if Barney is bailing on her.

"I am so busted," Lily reveals instead, going on to confess the whole story.

As it turns out, Lily had spent the entire weekend trying to conceal her potential pregnancy fears. It was the most inconvenient time to be dealing with such an issue, with Marvin only just a year old and another sibling in no way planned. And the whole Italy issue was looming before them, and then facing the biggest obstacle and fight in their entire marriage to date after Marshall accepted the judgeship without her knowledge and had been lying to her about it ever since. They'd both been keeping secrets, and after their colossal fight Lily _had_ to know one way or the other if a new baby was coming. She sought solace with the Captain in the middle of the night, and now the guys have found out she was there. Robin is aware how that must look, particularly when Lily was spending so much time with the Captain last month that it became a bone of contention in her marriage. She can understand now why Barney felt this was important to take care of right away.

When Marshall comes bursting in the room just minutes after Lily finishes her story – finishes telling them she is indeed pregnant again but she never wanted Marshall to find out this way – Robin braces herself for a betrayed reaction at having learned secondhand he's going to be a father again since Lily didn't bother to tell him herself. But she quickly sees that's not the case; in fact it's going well for them, with no anger or blowup at all.

With that crisis dodged, Robin turns her attention to Barney, who came in the room behind Marshall. She hastens to introduce him to her mother, determined that at least _one_ thing today is going to go right and as it's supposed to.

Barney is thrilled for Robin that she has her mom standing there beside her, and he's thrilled for himself to finally get the chance to meet her. Her mother – who they all know next to nothing about – is the last unshared thing left between them. Getting a chance to know her too feels like he has all parts of Robin open to him now, which makes it all the more special how eager Robin is to share her with him. "Hi," he gushes.

Genevieve politely extends a hand for Barney to take, and he does, but he uses it to immediately pull her towards him and go in for a full hug, even resting his chin on her shoulder, so grateful is he to Robin's mom for giving birth to the most awesome woman on the face of the planet, and for simply showing up now and making Robin's day – because he knows it wouldn't have been the same for her without her mom there, and whatever makes her happy makes him happy too.

"Ohh. Oh, he's a hugger," Genevieve observes in pleasant surprise. Glancing over to Robin, she assures her, "He's _nothing_ like your dad."

Watching Barney hug her mother, Robin thinks on that. She thinks about the Cabbage Patch doll and the ax incident keeping her from ever being late for kindergarten again. She thinks about the way her dad made her watch her pet rabbits be shot for sport. She thinks about hundreds of other like times, thinks about the way she's _still_ waiting to hear that he's proud of her, and it all adds up to her dad's extreme callousness.

But this open display of emotion, affection, tenderness, and caring from Barney for a woman he barely knows and has no connection to other than that she's_ her _mother so he loves her by default, couldn't be farther from the way her father would act and Robin manages a small smile because of that.

Easing out of the hug, Barney tells Robin's mom, "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Scherbatsky – "

"Please, call me Genevieve."

"I apologize, Genevieve, for not getting here to meet you sooner. But as you can see there were some extenuating circumstances."

"Yes," she agrees amiably, momentarily looking over at the unfolding drama behind them. "And that's certainly understandable."

They all catch the tail end of the other couple's conversation and Barney glances to Robin. "It looks like they're going to Italy after all."

"Yeah," Robin nods, feeling somewhat dazed. There's been a lot to take in these past forty-five minutes – everything that went down with Lily and Marshall, and now these disturbing thoughts about Barney and their upcoming marriage that her mother has feed in her mind.

Genevieve is still watching Lily and Marshall embrace, and after a moment she starts heading for the balcony door. "Just a sec," Robin manages to mumble to Barney before nervously hurrying after her mom, unsure what she's doing or why she's going out there.

Barney looks off after Robin and her mother and he knows it's important to bond with Genevieve; he knows Robin wants that. He's about to head outside with them when Ted shoos him out of the suite altogether.

Out on the balcony, Genevieve explains that she thought this was a way out of the room, but she soon discovers they're now trapped out there while Marshall and Lily are busy having sex inside.

Robin can barely spare that a thought, however. She's still nervous and worried, her troubled mind caught up in the thoughts of before.

She's always known that the very idea of her and Barney together goes against all convention and reason. That's what kept her running scared from him for so long. But she fully knew all that when she said 'yes' to his proposal and she said 'yes' anyway because she loves him so very much, and knowing that _he_ loves her too and wants that too, that's all she cared about; convention be damned.

But now that her mom has highlighted all of those red flags and how they could apply to _them_, it makes it much harder to ignore. Because her mom ignored the red flags and married her dad anyway and they ended up in a bitter, bitter divorce. They still don't speak to this day and her mom is stuck in some kind of destructive love/hate thing over her dad. She can't keep the question from plaguing her mind if the same thing could happen to her and Barney because of similar red flags.

It's not so much that she's marrying her dad. Her mom's right; Barney is nothing like her dad in personality. The similarities Genevieve inadvertently listed – the same ones that had already vexed Robin in the park – are in certain actions which are mostly in the past, but occasionally not entirely thoughtful behavior has still crept up.

When she calmed down after the fact a week and a half ago, she told herself she was being irrational. However she's currently troubled about this all over again in a way she can't let go of now that her mom has played to those same fears and given them life. She can't shake it so easily anymore when someone is seconding that notion and even standing up as a cautionary tale.

The problem is Robin knows herself and she knows she's long had a tendency to listen to her head over her heart, to follow the security of logic over feeling – that's what her mother taught her all those years ago. And there's a part of her that still fears what logic dictates: that the two of them getting married doesn't make any sense and therefore no matter what she feels or how much they love each other the idea of forever between them may be infeasible or downright impossible.

That small part of her that fears the fact that a marriage to Barney goes against logic and worries it might consequently fail tends toward the paranoid. That paranoia took over the day in the park that jumpstarted it all; it happened when James announced his impending divorce; it happened when Barney ran off without consulting her on a "lone wolf" No Questions Asked; and it happened again when she thought he was getting arrested at a mistaken laser tag rehearsal dinner. Her paranoid, logic-following mind keeps going back to the idea that something this good can't last, that there has to be a catch in it somewhere – and especially with two dysfunctional people like them. So with every tiny issue that comes up, the fear will creep in: is _this_ when it's going to happen? Is _this_ what will take them down?

And now her mother has reinforced those fears, and in doing so left the distinct message that Robin _wasn't_ just being paranoid but is absolutely right to have these concerns. Her mom ignored them and Robin bore witness to what followed. Now it's left her all jumbled and frightened and confused, more so now than ever before.

Genevieve can see how unsettled Robin still is, and she wasn't lying about making enormous strides since her daughter last saw her years ago. She is now aware that she wasn't the best mother to her. From age ten to fourteen she was scarcely in her life at all, until her ex-husband proclaimed his developing teen 'dead to him' and sent the girl to live with her. And even then she was too self-involved to be the kind of mom Robin needed. She let her own issues cloud her judgment. Thankfully Katie was just a child and escaped the worst of the venting and poor advice, but even though Robin was ten years older she was still only a teenager herself. She never should have put all that baggage on Robin and negatively colored her views on love, and she knows she needs to set her straight now. Not all men will leave and betray you, and not all relationships are doomed.

"You know for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad there's a marriage like those two in there," Genevieve tells her and Robin listens intently, clinging in her apprehension to any piece of tangible motherly advice and wisdom. "Marriage is terrifying. It's like flying. You're filled with this mortal dread but if you find someone you feel safe with it's like….flying. If you've got someone you feel is really there for you, someone you can depend on, you're gonna be fine," her mom advises, putting her arm around her.

The key words Robin's paranoia pulls from that are 'safe', 'dependable', and _never_-fail 'there for you' and it conjures up an image in her mind of someone conventional and rock-solid and tame and benign so he can never, ever hurt you. And when her mother goes on to ask her, "Do you have someone like that?", she really ponders that question.

Is Barney those things? _Is_ he there for her? In some sick way her mind goes right back to that day in Central Park. She was already worried that morning and started to really freak out when she couldn't find her locket. She called him. She _needed_ him. She wanted _him_. It was the first call she made. Maybe it isn't fair, but on some level it was a subconscious test for him: would he come through for her? And he didn't. He didn't find her locket. He didn't even come to the park at all. And he's barely mentioned it since.

…But Ted was there.

Ted was there and not Barney.

_Oh god_.

Cold gnawing dread fills her until Robin actually feels sick inside, feels like she might literally throw up over the balcony. Is all of this some kind of sign telling her she has to be with Ted? That she _should_ be with him instead? Because he's safe and dependable and he was there for her that day in the park and he in fact has a long history of staunchly, fixatedly chasing after her with blue French horns and unwavering determination to have her, and he just all but told her he's still in love with her this morning. Ted's always going to be there, like the sun rising in the morning. She didn't _want_ him to be there. She's vocally asked him _not_ to be there. It's actually borderlined on creepy and disturbing the way he's consumed with sometimes quite inappropriately being there. But even while she's engaged to another man, he still single-mindedly shows up.

According to her mother – and let's face it, most of the world – that's the sort of thing she should be looking for in her partner, and that's the _only_ sort of thing that qualifies as "husband material".

She loves Barney insanely. There is absolutely no doubt of that. She's in love with Barney and she's _not_ in love with Ted. That isn't even a question. She hasn't loved Ted for years – and she _never_ loved him the way she loves Barney.

She loves Barney and she's so _happy_ with him. Her feelings aren't in question at all. She's always felt more fun, more alive, more exhilarated, more at home, more contented and at peace, and more _herself_ whenever she's around him. The two of them being together in a real and lasting relationship, marrying him, that's all she's ever wanted.

But what if convention, and logic, and her mom, and even the universe through her missing locket, what if they all think she should be with a guy like Ted – or Ted himself – instead?

Could they _all_ be wrong? Or is she just too blinded by love that it's making her use poor judgment in marrying Barney?

…But _NO_.

She shakes herself out of it and inwardly repeats 'No, no, _no_', like it's her mantra.

She loves Barney. And she _knows_ him. They've been living together for five months now and loving each other for years. Barney's never been perfect and never will be. He'll never be a Marshall. But she can depend on him when it really counts. She's gonna be fine. They're gonna be fine. Her heart tells logic and fear to shut up.

"I do," Robin confirms, forcing a troubled smile. "I do have someone like that. Barney, he's….he's not like Dad. And he's gonna be there for me. He will," she expresses as much in an effort to emphasize it in her own mind as her mother's. "He loves me, and he will…..Do you know he actually got Dad to apologize to me?"

Genevieve's expression transforms into shock. "Your father _apologized_ for something?"

"I know. Hard to believe, isn't it? He even made that woman he accidentally shot while out moose hunting apologize to _him_ for getting in the way of his bullet and losing him the kill. Saying 'I'm sorry' to me was the first time in my life I'd ever seen him apologize to anyone. And Barney made that happen." Robin smiles again, a genuine one this time. "He'll be there." She nods reassuringly. "It's – it's….safe to depend on him."

"Of course it is, dear," her mother agrees, squeezing her shoulder encouragingly. Glancing back inside, she sees that Lily and Marshall have gone still on the bed. "Oh I think they're done. It shouldn't be long now."

Sure enough, within the next two minutes Lily comes and opens the door, letting them back into the room.

"Sorry," Marshall sheepishly imparts. "We didn't mean for that to happen."

"Thank god you finish fast," Barney declares, bursting back through the door to the hallway. "I was tired of waited outside my own room." He walks over to Robin and Genevieve, giving his future mother-in-law an apologetic look while tsking his disappointment at Marshall and Lily, who's still straightening her shirt. "I promise they're not usually like this," he excuses them.

"Oh please," Lily scoffs. "You two are a million times worse. You'll go at each other the minute anyone closes the door. Need I get into the time you guys had sex in front of my infant son?" Realizing she's saying all this while Robin's mom is still in the room, Lily quickly covers, "I mean, they – they read him a book."

Genevieve just gives her daughter and her soon-to-be husband an amused and knowing look, clearly not buying it, as Barney slips his arm around Robin's waist.

"We have to get over to the church soon," Robin tells him. "The hairstylist texted me earlier that she's running late, but she'll be there by three."

"That's in five minutes," her mom points out.

Barney can see that's started to make Robin flustered and stressed. "Okay. That's okay," he jumps in. "It's just across the street. We'll get you there in time."

"Okay," Robin nods to him appreciatively.

"And in between while all you girls are getting ready, maybe I can keep your mom company and get a chance to know her better."

"That'd be great, Barney," she smiles up at him.

"I'd like that very much," Genevieve seconds.

"Alright. It's all set then…Let's go get married," he whispers affectionately.

"Let's go get married," Robin echoes as Barney leans down to kiss her. And her hand softly plays at his lapel as she kisses him back.

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><p><strong>AN #1<strong>: It's somewhat difficult to write the Ted aspect of it without gagging in light of that AU finale. Unless I'm suddenly struck with amnesia or put into a time machine (like the characters all were in that 2006 script!) I'm always going to know what Carter put in there.

However it's important to me to write the show as I see it, and this is how I see it in this particular episode but also as a key part of the culmination of Robin's larger arc and series-long struggle between what she actually feels and wants and what she thinks she's _supposed_ to want and feel. And just to be clear, what I see in the writing, directing, and acting of the show (not just in this episode but in the entire canon series from 1.01-9.22) is NOTHING pro Ted/Robin at all and ALL pro Barney/Robin. This is just that one last inner struggle Robin has to overcome to finally let herself be happy once and for all. It's much like when you get food poisoning and have to violently throw up (as ugly as it is) to get that poison out of your system and be healthy and happy from there on out.

If anything her wedding freak-out highlights how messed up the concept of Robin with Ted was and is because it's all based on fear, and taking the easy way, and settling, and doing what she thinks convention dictates rather than following her heart and what she's really drawn to and really wants and who she really loves. It's built right into the canon of the show that the only way Robin would ever be with Ted is if she was going to just give up, suppress her true feelings and true self, and settle.

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><p><strong>AN #2<strong>: I went through all my notes, outlines, and written scenes for the future and I realized that my original estimate of 1-2 chapters showing Barney and Robin's marriage and future years together was far too conservative. If I lump it all in even into two parts they would end up being _crazy_ long chapters.

Consequently, I've decided it will be better (and faster to get it posted and updated) if I break it all up into smaller segments according to the time period and the size/length of material I have for that time period.

Right now I'm estimating 9 future chapters, plus an epilogue, for a total of 10 more updates after 9.22's chapter. I'm planning to break it up into a chapter each for 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018; 2019-2020 will be together; 2021 will have its own chapter; 2022-2029 will be together; 2030 will have its own chapter; then finally an epilogue set in 2050.

I'm very anxious to get to my next AU story too (and I keep adding new ideas to it!) but I do think it's important to finish up this canon story first because it's been my baby for years now. However I also don't want to rush it through to a finish just to start the next one, so if it ends up taking too long I may start posting the other story at the same time.


	71. 921

**AN**: The debate over kicking out Blauman doesn't really have any bearing on Barney/Robin events or the wedding as a whole. Therefore I'm not going to cover it and will focus instead on the Blauman flashbacks, one of which I thought going in would be a simple (though vitally important) flashback but it took on a life of its own in this chapter and grew into a 6,000+ word scene. FYI, just for some placement, that scene is meant to be set roughly in between "Murtaugh" and "Mosbius Designs".

And I apologize again for the angst in this chapter. The story is at that point where I can't write Barney/Robin fluff just yet, but I promise you it _is_ coming; all the future chapters are almost nothing but happiness and awesomeness for years and years and years – because that's the way it _would_ have been in a canon world.

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><p><strong>Gary Blauman<strong>

* * *

><p>Over at the church, while Robin is having her hair done Barney has that bonding talk with her mom they both wanted them to have. Genevieve tells him a little bit about herself but he discerns the basic gist of her personality simply from the story of her flight here and the way she tells it. She's an excitable, overemotional woman with a tendency to be self-absorbed – she's barely let him get a word in edgewise and doesn't seem to have even noticed. She's also prone to letting her fears rule her life. She almost didn't come to her <em>daughter's<em> wedding, heedless of the effect that would have, because of said fears – and then nearly killed a plane full of people when she did decide to come.

Between her mom and her dad, Robin had very little hope at a normal, healthy childhood. No kid could survive all that without emerging with some issues. It's pretty clear to him now that Robin's guarded nature wasn't only from needing to hide her feelings from her father, which is what he'd always assumed, but it was also a result of her mother being the exact opposite and observing the outcome and consequences that had on her life. Moreover, teenage Robin no doubt endured plenty of male bashing, anti-love/anti-relationship propaganda at her mother's hand too that helped shaped her avoidance of commitment. Inappropriate though it may be, Genevieve has already brought up Mr. Scherbatsky, his faults, and their failed marriage no less than three times in their brief conversation. It's kind of bumming Barney out – and they only just met. Robin was subjected to it on a daily basis.

Getting to know her mother has given Barney a whole new respect for his fiancée, and though Genevieve seems like a nice enough woman he's glad when Marshall comes to find him announcing that it's time for him to start getting ready.

A couple hours pass after that as everyone begins preparing themselves for the wedding. While Robin continues to get ready, friends and family go in and out: her mom, and Lily, and Patrice in small doses, and Katie keeps popping in to spend some time with her sister before taking her place in the audience.

Robin had naturally asked her sister to be in the wedding and when she declined she'd next asked Barney's sister but she also declined. Neither Robin nor Barney cared about having a big wedding party but it would have been nice to have one of the two girls just to even out the numbers; as it is Barney has an extra groomsman. Nevertheless, both Katie and Carly didn't want to be a bridesmaid as they both felt it was "too clichéd". Robin cut them some slack when she remembered that at twenty-two she would have probably reacted the same way. A decade really changes a person. Case in point, exactly ten years later the second biggest champion of singledom is standing in a church on _her_ wedding day – about to marry _the_ biggest champion – and it's time for her to put on the dress.

Now that it's gotten later she's mostly alone in her bridal room. Her mother is ill-equipped for this type of thing and has taken to mingling outside, which is alright by Robin since her earlier advice only left her in a tailspin. Katie is still in her 'love is too lame for me' phase so while she's happy for her sister she mostly has an above-it-all attitude when she pops in. Level-headed Lily, whose guidance could actually be of some help at a time like this, is the wedding party go-between, too busy checking back and forth from her to the men to stay in one spot for long. As soon as she zips Robin into her dress she takes off again, leaving Robin all alone – and getting more and more anxious by the second.

Stepping into her dress turned out to be the thing that really does it. Because she's standing there in a white _wedding dress_. It is definitely real now.

Her mom already left her spooked and now that the time is upon her – there's just one hour until the ceremony – Robin can feel herself starting to completely freak-out.

Marriage is hard work; it just is. It's a gamble with less than great odds to begin with, and when it's between the two of them…..they're just going into it with so much baggage. Considering their individual issues and that both her and Barney share similar dysfunctions, on paper it just seems like a recipe for disaster. If you put a messed up person with someone 'normal', there's a better chance that the normal one can pull them through. But if you put two messed up individuals together, well then you might just get a mess. That's always been her fear anyway. And now her mother agrees.

It's not that she's second-guessing her feelings for Barney or that she doesn't want to marry him. She's never wanted anything more. But she's not blind to what rationality tells her. He has his definite red flags, and she has her own too. Together they're like one giant flashing-red warning sign. _Warning: odds say this marriage isn't going to work_. Even Marshall and Lily joked about it after they first got engaged, with Marshall wondering how long it would be before Barney ran out on her and Lily telling him he needed to work up to the I'm-sorry-I-cheated-on-you diamond.

It may be going well for them as a couple now but will they be able to maintain that long-term? Can something _this_ great ever last? In her experience the answer to that has always been 'no' so she's always expected good things to eventually come to an end, and it's hard to reprogram that and trust that now she gets to be happy for life.

Yes, they've been happy all this time, _wonderfully_ happy. They went through hell to get here and what few problems they had left have been minor and easily worked through – as in the very same day worked through. She loves Barney as he is and she _does_ love their story, but she also fears that story may mean they're starting out married life at a disadvantage. Logic and reason tell her that if being married is tricky even for people who've got it all together like Marshall and Lily – and clearly it is by the doozy of a fight they just had last night – then how in the world are she and Barney going to be able do it?

A sudden knock on her door distracts her and when Robin turns she sees Katie walking in.

"So…..5 o'clock," her sister tells her, shutting the door again behind them. "It's almost that time."

"Yeah." Robin restlessly looks back to her reflection in the mirror, smoothing out her skirt even though it doesn't need straightening.

Katie comes up behind her and picks up her veil from the dressing table. "You sound nervous. We're not gonna have a runaway bride situation on our hands, are we?"

"No," Robin shakes her head. "No, of course not." She busies herself with putting on her earrings and then the matching necklace she chose before the 'something old' idea came to her…..before she couldn't find her locket.

"Good," Katie replies, reaching up and pinning the veil into her sister's hair as they stand facing the mirror, eyes meeting through the glass. "Cause as much as I think some of the mushy-gushy stuff like your friend Lily's scrapbook is cheesy, I can tell you _really_ love Barney. To tell you the truth, sis…." She gestures squiggly fingers down her frame. "….you're lousy with it. It practically leaks from your pores that you love him like crazy. And anyone can see he loves you that way too."

Robin watches her lips form a smile of their own accord. Because it's true; she does love Barney like crazy, and simply hearing someone else say how obvious it is that _he_ loves her fills her with a warmth and happiness that just has to make its presence known.

"I think he even may have had a little thing for you all those years ago when I came to visit you in New York," Katie reveals. "Do you know he asked me four times before I left if he could buy your old diary, each time raising the price a _ridiculous_ amount? By the time I got on my flight he was offering to pay for my entire college education."

Robin spins around to face her. "Barney followed you to the airport?" This is the first she's heard of it.

"He thought he could strike a deal if he caught me alone while you weren't there. Something about Scherbatskys being cunning that way."

"Yes," Robin laughs, her smile growing, "well, Barney's always taken a peculiar interest in my teenage years."

"Is it the whole underage, _Girls Gone Wild _type thing?"

"No, I think it's more a Robin Sparkles type thing," she smirks. "Take my advice, Katie. Never develop an alter ego. If you do, your future husband will develop a fetish for it and you'll never hear the end of it."

"Oh come off it, Hoser. Don't tell me you haven't helped develop that fetish of his," Katie says perceptively. "Mom told me how over the years one-by-one you sent for all your Robin Sparkles props – and _outfits_….So you've never played dress-up for him?" At her sister's guilty look, Katie laughs shrewdly. "That's what I thought. Not that I blame you. My new brother-in-law is hot, and so is role playing."

"_Katie_."

"What? I know _you_ already know that. You might keep it on the down low now that you're all grownup and demure and a professional WWN national anchor but," she slyly reveals the secret she found out, "you loved his one alter ego fetish so much that you went out and developed another one, Night Falcon."

Robin looks to her sister, flabbergasted. "How do you know about that?"

"I was looking on Barney's laptop when I got bored during the movie."

Robin's eyes widen. "What else did you see on there?"

Katie grins. "Enough to know that at thirty-two my sister still brings it better than most twenty year olds."

"Damn straight," Robin agrees. But after the moment of initial pride she realizes what that means. "Wait….what exactly did you watch?"

"I only found the naked pictures," Katie answers offhandedly. "But good to know there's something to _watch_. Homemade sex tapes. I have a classy big sister," she teases.

"It's not trashy when we're about to be married," Robin defends.

"Hey, no judgment. I think it's awesome. There may even be a homemade production or two that I've starred in."

"Uh, don't tell me anymore." Heaven help them when Katie meets Carly, who should be here at any minute. They're like peas in a pod, both of them a wild child. The two together are likely to wreak havoc on Farhampton.

"Okay, have it your way," Katie subscribes. "Then I'll tell you instead what I almost forgot: there's some guy out in the hallway asking to say hi before the wedding."

"Did he say who he was?" Robin wonders, perplexed. It must not be any of their relatives if her sister doesn't know him.

"No. And I didn't ask."

Speculating on who it could be, Robin opens the door to find Gary Blauman standing there before her.

That pulls her from the temporary respite from her nerves that Katie had provided right back into full-on anxiety. Because now something's going wrong already – and the ceremony hasn't even started…

* * *

><p><strong>Two Months Ago<strong>

* * *

><p>"Hey," Robin greets her fiancé as she slides into the booth across from him. But when she really gets a good look at his face she can instantly see something's wrong. "What happened?"<p>

"What happened? _What happened_?" Barney sputters. "What happened, Robin, is I was just a victim of a shocking injustice."

She can already tell this is going to be one of his grandiose but ultimately not-even-close-to-deserving-of-the-drama tirades and the spontaneous smile on her lips is reflex. This is just one of those characteristics that has always made Barney uniquely _Barney_. "Tell me what happened," she asks, amused.

"I – I – " He hangs his head, evidently too upset to go on.

Now she fondly rolls her eyes even as she pats his arm in comfort. "Alright, just tell me the story."

After taking a moment to collect himself, Barney continues. "I was here at the bar, right here in this booth," he gestures to the spot he's still sitting in, "ready to meet you, and I ordered some fries while I was waiting. No big deal, right?" He waits until Robin nods to add a resounding, "Wrong! Gary Blauman comes in and I'm thinking, 'Cool, I've got an old bro to keep me company while I wait', so I invite him to sit down. That just happens to be when Carl brings my fries, making it even better cause I'm starving since I worked through most of lunch."

"So what's the problem?" Robin asks, not understanding.

"The problem began when Carl turns right to Blauman and asks him pointblank if he needs anything too, and get this: Blauman says, 'I'm good, thanks'."

He pauses dramatically, leading her to guess, "And he wasn't?"

"He was not even close to 'good, thanks'," Barney rages. "He took four of my fries, Robin. _Four_ of them."

"Okay. Not cool," she reflects. "But also not a 'shocking injustice' – though I know how you get when you're starving." When he's _really_ hungry he can get like she does, snappy and very territorial of his food. Even at the best of times they've only been known to almost exclusively share food and drinks with each other and no one else.

"It wasn't _just_ that he took them – without asking, by the way. That would have been bad enough. But he took them after being offered his own. He's 'good, thanks' but he wants to eat all of mine? _No_. That's not how civilized society works," Barney expounds. "The first one he took was presumptuous; he could see that _I_ hadn't even had one yet. But I could scarcely believe it when he went in for a second, and then a _third_, and the whole time acting like he'd done nothing wrong, just eating away as if it were a basket of fries for the table rather than my own personal order. And then – " He steels himself with a steadying breath. "Robin, and then, the fourth fry he took….it was an accidental curly," he acrimoniously announces.

"_No_," Robin responds with an appropriate mix of outrage and loss – and it's not even put-on either; she honestly does appreciate what a tragedy and slight that would be for him. "Oh, baby. I know how much you love accidental curlies. That's why I give you mine whenever I find one."

"It was awful, Robin. I saw him reach in and dig it out from beneath the pile and I was overjoyed at its discovery. I thought he was about to congratulate me on my good fortune, but then he kept bringing it up to his lips. It was horrifying, _horrifying_, like watching the slow-motion death of one of your friends."

"Well, maybe not that bad," she point outs.

But he continues unaffected. "I was powerless to stop it. I watched him just shove it onto his tongue," Barney demonstrates, "careless of the impropriety and breach of the code he'd just committed."

"The Bro Code?"

"This goes higher than the Bro Code. It's a matter of human dignity. He just – he _ate my accidental curly_," he emphasizes again, because that fact alone is universal enough for anyone to recognize the umbrage. "It was the most shocking, disturbing, deplorable thing I'd ever seen. He robbed me of what was mine. Stole it away right in front of my eyes, the heartless bastard. Blauman's not welcome at our wedding after this."

"Barney," Robin replies. She's been enjoying this up until now, but mention of their wedding prompts a need for some levelheadedness. "We already invited him. It was your idea. We can't just uninvite him now."

"But…." Barney protests, dumbfounded. "How can we have an unrepentant accidental curly thief at _our_ wedding?!"

"Just relax," she laughs. "It doesn't seem like we'll have an accidental curly thief for a guest anyway. The wedding is in two months and we still haven't received his reply card. It looks like he's busy."

"_Yeah_, busy stealing accidental curlies," he glowers petulantly. "If he does come, promise me we can at least sit him somewhere crappy. Ooh," he perks up excitedly, "like next to my Aunt Muriel, and then he can spend the whole reception listening to her complain about her bunion."

"Fine," Robin smiles. "If we get his RSVP we'll work out the seating chart so he's stuck at a table next to your Aunt Muriel. But for now just forget all about Blauman, okay? I'm gonna go get us a round and I'll order some new fries."

"There's no point," Barney answers glumly. "I had Carl take the old ones away as soon as Blauman left. I didn't have the heart to touch a fry after what he did."

"Stop, you're sharing an order with me. It'll cheer you up. And I promise if we find an accidental curly it's all yours."

Up at the bar Robin reorders Barney more fries, regular cut, and surreptitiously asks Carl to purposefully mix in a few 'accidental' curlies. "But really make it look like it was by chance," she instructs. When Carl gives her an odd look, she shrugs, explaining affectionately, "That's the dream."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>Gary Blauman was <em>not<em> supposed to be here. They have reply cards for a reason, dammit!

But with the way he's acting it's pretty clear he'd planned to come all along, which means his card must have gotten lost in the mail. Yet another bad omen?

The second he walks down the hallway and Marshall conveniently walks up the stairs, Robin calls a Code Red – and there's no question she's freaking out now. Blauman has no place to sit….and it took them weeks to plan the seating chart as it is….and now Marshall's saying her hair is messed up.

She can't take even _one_ more thing going wrong. First Marshall couldn't get to Farhampton, and then the troubles with Loretta, and their first minister dying, and Marshall and Lily's huge fight, and then Barney disappearing and being unable to come out of his hangover after she found him – the cancelled pictures, the _missing locket_, her mom's ominous comparisons, and now this too. She's really starting to lose control here.

But Marshall swears that he's got this; the crisis is taken care of before it even has a chance to blowup. She's being irrational, that's all. She just needs to calm down, she tells herself, retreating back into her room.

* * *

><p>With everything now settled again after the whole Gary Blauman crisis, Barney returns to his room to finish getting ready – or more like stare into the mirror and pace. With less than forty-five minutes before the ceremony begins the anxiety of this morning is returning.<p>

He was holding up fine before, but everyone left and now it's just him in the room alone…..standing there in a wedding suit staring down the biggest commitment of his life and wondering again, like he had the night before when he couldn't sleep, if he will live up to what it takes to be a good husband and not let Robin down. He's no longer broken; it's not that he worries marriage can't be for a guy like him. But marriage is still a _big _deal for anyone, and now that it's nearly zero hour Barney finds himself inundated with typical pre-wedding concerns – only amplified for a groom who for over a decade thought marriage was something he'd never, ever do.

He starts fixating on his tie as an outlet for his nerves, fixating on the fact that Robin liked the other one better, and by the time Lily stops back to check on him Barney feels himself beginning to lose it and he sends her to find Ted.

Maybe it would have been better to send for his dad. Jerry was the one who helped him before to see that it wasn't too late for him, he wasn't too far gone and marriage was something he _could_ have as long as he wanted it – and found the right girl, which he unquestionably has. But his dad's been busy consoling Cheryl ever since her kidnapping by Ranjit last night – that's totally on him – and he's already been back here a few times already so Barney went with his best man instead.

When Ted gets there Barney denies he's having wedding jitters. Barney Stinson doesn't get scared; he gets awesome instead.

But he's falling apart because he _is_ scared – he's petrified – so he quickly breaks down and admits that it's not just about a tie. "What if this whole thing is a disaster? What if this is the worst wedding ever?"

Look at how much has already gone wrong this weekend, and now Blauman showing up unexpectedly and storming off after they all offended him. And then it turns out he's the reason behind James's divorce. Which is another thing that's disconcerting. He doesn't _need_ James's relationship to believe in love now that he has Robin, but it certainly didn't hurt to have his brother's positive example to strive toward and model after. And on top of everything else he can't seem to write his vows though he's been trying for weeks.

"Not possible," Ted counters with certainty. "We've already been to the worst wedding ever."

Barney smiles and a little laugh escapes him as he instantly knows what Ted means. "Punchy's wedding."

"No wedding will ever, ever be as bad as that one, right?" Ted states.

Actually, Barney didn't think Punchy's wedding was that bad, and the moment he shared with Robin at the reception is one of his top memories of all time. In fact, he finds himself relaxing and smiling happily just thinking about that night with Robin and knowing now that she was in love with him too and was saying those words _to_ _him_, the same words he wanted to be saying to her if he only thought she'd reciprocate. Sometimes he wonders what might have been that night if they'd just been honest with each other. Well, more he wonders if they could have gotten back together a year sooner if he would have just told her then. Otherwise he knows _exactly_ what would have happened that night: the very same thing that ended up happening two months later.

They really do have the kind of chemistry that just doesn't go away. And not just chemistry, but _love_ too. Hopelessly, irretrievably in love, that's what they both are.

Yep. There's no doubt about it. Marrying Robin is right. He _knows_ this is right, knows it without question.

* * *

><p>Across the church in her room, his bride isn't as sure.<p>

No matter how much Robin has tried to tell herself to calm down and that she's just being irrational, she still can't shake the fear. On the contrary, in the past half an hour it's grown to out-of-control proportions.

Maybe she shouldn't even try to be calm. Because if there _is_ an issue she needs to figure it out. Now. That's the whole 'speak now or forever hold your peace' part of it.

And Gary Blauman's sudden appearance hasn't helped matters any or done anything to ease her mind. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact.

The past few years she's seen Blauman several times in passing while visiting Barney at work. But he's more the guys' acquaintance than hers. The last significant encounter she had with him was the night of Ted's party. And that's not exactly the best memory to recall at a time like this…..

* * *

><p><strong>April 2009<strong>

* * *

><p>It's a Friday night in New York City and the gang's having a party at the apartment to celebrate the good fortune of Ted being fired so that now he's free to start his own company, Mosbius Designs. Though they'd been planning the party for two weeks the gang swiftly depletes in numbers when the day actually arrives. Marshall has to stay home and take care of Lily who's down sick in bed with "the sniffles", and after only a couple weeks Robin's still adjusting to her grueling new schedule and was falling asleep in the living room waiting for the guests to arrive until Ted told her it was okay to just go to bed. Now it's down to just him and Barney and a room full of assorted well-wishers, most of them friends of Ted's or people he knew from his brief time at GNB or from his old architectural firm.<p>

Forty-five minutes into the party, once a good number of people have arrived, Barney gives a toast to honor the man of the hour. "To Ted's complete inability to follow directions and design a simple ETR room, without which he wouldn't have been fired leading to the current pursuit of his dream….which he hopefully won't blow in a similar fashion. To Ted!"

The others are either used to Barney or already buzzed enough not to notice the eccentric nature of his toast and they all just raise their glasses, cheering and repeating in kind, "To Ted!"

As they're finishing the group toast, Barney sees Blauman in the crowd and waves to him, motioning that he'll meet him across the room.

Meanwhile in her bedroom, Robin has quickly discovered that as wonderful as it sounds – and it sounds _heavenly_ – the prospect of a good solid ten hours of uninterrupted sleep with no need to get up before the dawn is just not going to happen for her right now. She couldn't even keep her eyes open an hour ago on the couch, but after forcing herself to get up, use the bathroom, go into her room and change into her pajamas she was already feeling more awake then before. Then just as she was starting to relax again the party began to pick up. Now after rolling over for the tenth time and even putting her pillow over her head it's become clear there's no way she's getting any sleep when there are this many people loudly talking and cheering in the apartment. As a result, she decides to take refuge in the one quiet place left. Grabbing a spare pillow, slipping her iPod into the pocket of her pajama pants, and wrapping a blanket over her shoulders she opens her bedroom door to make a beeline through the party and up to the solitude of the roof.

"So Ted….What's his situation?" Blauman asks Barney from the place they've managed to carve out near the kitchen table. "Does he get around a lot like you? I mean, is he looking for something serious or does he just want a little fun?"

"Ted's a good bro, the best. He _thinks_ he wants something serious but dude's still getting his life together, as this whole party attests. He'd deny it but he's as up for 'a little fun'," Barney repeats with air quotes, "as I am if the opportunity presents itself."

Blauman brings his hand down on Barney's shoulder, grinning. "I read you loud and clear."

Barney's not sure what that means and before he can ask he notices Robin come out of her bedroom, snag a bottle of beer, and head up to the roof. From that moment on the only thought in his head – both heads actually, what up! – is getting out of this conversation as quickly as possible so he can join her up there. It's the early spring, a very temperate night with clear skies and a blanket full of stars. In an atmosphere like that, the two of them alone, one thing could lead to another…..

"Listen, Blauman, there are a mess of hotties here tonight. I'm sure you wanna go talk to one of them." He looks around for the nearest hot woman to palm him off on. "For instance….that girl over there talking to Ted," he recommends, totally selling his bro out and failing in his wingman duties but he has a prospect of his own to look after – _the_ prospect – so it's every man for himself.

Blauman shoots him a confused look. "No, I….Barney, I thought you realized I'm – " Before he can finish the sentence Barney's already gone, so with a shrug he sets his sights on his target for the night. Because an opportunity is just about to present itself. "Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography?" he asks, walking over to Ted.

Up on the roof, Robin's sitting leaning back against the low wall already several swigs into her beer with her earbuds in, her eyes closed, and her head laid back on the pillow she's propped up against the hard brick, just trying to relax. She's doesn't even hear Barney climbing up onto the roof until he's already over the wall and standing there next to her. "Hey," she says surprised, removing her earbuds and resting them against her shoulders. "What are you doing up here?"

"Following you," he replies as brazen as Barney has always been. Or used to be. Still is most of the time….it's just that sometimes there are these moments where it feels like maybe the _both_ of them are a little unsure of what they're doing.

But this is apparently not one of them, as he boldly crouches down to sit beside her, ignoring the fact that he hasn't been asked. It's a small detail, really; they both know she would have invited him to join her anyway.

Barney gazes over at Robin bathed in the combination of moonlight and New York City lights and she's positively stunning. Her long dark hair is flickering gently in the soft breeze and she's wearing these pale pink pajama pants with some kind of subtle flowering ivy trailing down in vertical stripes. She has on a slightly darker pink and blessedly clinging – with no bra underneath – long sleeve top. She's got a blanket over her shoulders but when the wind blows just right he still catches the outline of erect nipple. She looks soft and feminine and like absolutely everything he wants sitting right there within arm's reach.

But he doesn't reach because she isn't his to reach for. Not that he wants her to be his….Or maybe he does. He doesn't know exactly _what_ he wants anymore. He only knows it begins with his lips against hers. That much he's sure of.

Since he can't reach for her, he teases her gently instead, hoping to strike up some of their banter he enjoys so much. "It's kinda weird the way I keep coming up on rooftops and finding you in your pajamas," he remarks, referring back to last November when she was staying with Marshall and Lily shooting empties on their roof and he came up to join her, daring to broach the topic of what almost happened on Shelter Island – and he got to hold her and be held by her under the guise of learning how to shoot. "Not that I'm complaining. A woman in pajamas is one step closer to bed. But still, pajamas on a Friday night at ten o'clock? It looks like living with Ted's rubbing off in all the wrong ways."

"I'm _not_ becoming lame like Ted," she answers, a tad defensive at the very idea. "But I _have_ been up since three in the morning, and the loud and cramped party downstairs chased me out of my bedroom, so I think that's a valid excuse."

He tilts his head in concession to her point, taking the bottle from her hand – again without asking – and drinking a healthy mouthful. But she doesn't protest. Surprisingly, she doesn't mind at all.

Barney takes another swig and then hands the bottle back to her, picking up an earbud off her shoulder. "What are you listening to?" he asks before moving close enough to put the earbud into his ear and see for himself. Robin picks up the other and puts it back into her ear and they sit like that for several minutes, just sharing the earbuds and passing the beer back and forth until the song goes off. Then he takes the earbud back out to question her. "Beyoncé?"

"What's wrong with that?" she asks, dropping her earbud again too. "It was an iTunes top download. She's hot. Everyone loves Beyoncé. I thought she'd be on your list of 'Celebrities I Wanna Bang'."

"True, true, and true. I'm not knocking it," he clarifies, "but….I don't know. It seems like you're a little down. And those circumstances call for a different musical choice."

"Such as?" she inquires, already guessing he's going to name some kind of 80s hair band.

He thinks about it for a second and decides, "The Scorpions." Then he proceeds to sing the rest. "_Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane – are you ready, baby_?" he purrs giving the final line all he's got, which ends up being equal parts amusing and seductive. When she laughs he smiles and it spurs him on to continue with more. "Or you could always go with classic Aerosmith. "_Just gimme a kiss_," he sings again, now with air guitar. "_Like this_!" He leans in closer, making a kiss at her.

That has her laughing even harder, causing him to laugh too, until their eyes meet and they're so close together and the laughter dies down, replaced by something else entirely. Robin bites her lip, smiling and shaking her head, and looks away. "You're an idiot," she says softly.

Barney ignores that; the words were said too sweetly to be a true slight. "Or, you know, you could just keep it simple and go with Poison, "Talk Dirty To Me"." This time he purposefully captures her gaze. "You're good at that."

Robin feels a flush spread down her neck. "That's not true. When we slept together _you_ were the one talking dirty to _me_, saying how wet I – " Catching herself, she stops. "Never mind," she mumbles.

Barney's eyes dance at her response. "I wasn't talking about that night. I meant the time not long after we first met when I was trying to get out of a date with a fake emergency call that you volunteered to make, but instead you moaned to me through the phone, calling me 'Daddy' and 'Big Boy'. It was because of the way you mocked me for lack of creativity that inspired me to come up with the Lemon Law – still one of my best to this day. So your talent for dirty talk is not only a turn-on, it's also a muse."

She smiles and he presses his luck a little further. "_I_ wasn't thinking about the night you and I slept together. I thought it never happened? But now that you mention it….you have a good memory. I did say that. But as I recall, neither one of us did much _talking_ that night." She looks away again and he can see that he's made her blush, actually succeeded in making Robin Scherbatsky _blush_.

"Anyway," she changes the subject, "back to criticizing my music choice."

"I wasn't criticizing, just suggesting something off my Get Psyched mix, although maybe for a situation like this I need to make a Sleepy Time mix."

"Isn't it in your best interest to keep the girls awake?" she teases him now, taking another swig of beer.

"Ha-ha," he remarks, reaching into her pants pocket – a move which makes her go absolutely still – and snatching out her iPod. "What else do you have on here?"

Now that his hand in no longer in her pants Robin recovers normal use of her body, putting her earbud back in as she watches him flip through her music collection before eventually deciding on a song. He puts the other earbud into his ear again too and she passes him what's now become their bottle as they sit silently together listening to her music.

After a while Barney moves in closer to reduce the tug of the cord on his earbud. In doing so his hip and thigh press into hers and her heart gives a little flutter at the contact. She's immensely attracted to him; there's no denying it. And what's worse, it's not just a physical thing. She _feels_ – and that's terrifying. But like it or not, she does. She feels happier and more alive when she's with him, even doing simple things like listening to music together. It's like he's gotten inside. He got a hold on her heart without her permission and now he's in there and there's nothing she can do about it.

He said Beyoncé wasn't appropriate for a time like this and yet the lyrics of the song they were listening to earlier come floating unbidden back through her mind: _Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they're tumbling down. And they didn't even put up a fight. They didn't even make a sound._ That's exactly what's happened to her. He's gotten past her walls without her even realizing. He's staked out a piece of her heart and now and she can't get him out no matter how hard she tries.

It's the most conflicting feeling because as much as she enjoys it when she's with him, and there's no denying that she does, she still wants him _out_ – out of her heart for good. Feeling things for anyone is a risk, but feeling something for Barney Stinson is _suicide_. So she acts counter-offensively, removing her earbud and inching back away. "How come you're not downstairs picking up some woman?"

It's an abrupt turn in the conversation. Barney's not sure what caused this shift in mood but he can sense it all the same.

"There has to be a 7 or a drunk 8 down there," she asserts, attempting to get back to safer, bro-like repartee.

"First of all, I only pull 10s," he begins, following suit to her change in pace.

Robin laughs out loud at that. "I've known you for three and a half years, _and_ wingwomaned for you. I know that's not true."

"I occasionally sleep with lessers," he admits, holding up a finger to emphasize this next important point, "_but_ I do that as charity work, because 6s – or 5s with a big rack – need to be boned too.

Her eyebrows pull down in a disgusted look but there's still a smile on her face. "Nice."

"But tonight I'll admit I was bored with it," Barney tells her candidly.

"Bored with your so-called 'charity work'? Or bored with the 7s and 8s?"

"Bored with the whole scene down there. If I wanted to I could get any of the women at Ted's party, easily."

Robin nods at that. He could seduce just about any woman at any time. She has no doubt he'd have little trouble getting each and any one of the women down in the apartment to have sex with him.

"It's like shooting fish in a barrel. There's no challenge to it, no thrill. It's just a numbers game at this point," he confides, thinking of his list of not quite two hundred that he still needs to finish to show up Matthew Panning, so at least there's that. "I'd rather be up here with you. You're a worthy intellectual opponent, more fun to spend time with, and you're better than all those girls downstairs put together."

Robin feels that flush creeping down her chest again and she can't help the flattered smile, but her eyes regard him with charmed suspicion. "And you can always hook up with a girl later," she shrewdly ascertains.

That hadn't been on his mind, but he won't pass up this chance to amp up the flirtation between them, especially since just a few minutes ago _she_ voluntarily brought up the night they slept together. "I'd like to hook up with – " He falters, not quite bold enough to say 'you', and settles on " – someone, yes. If she'd let me…..I know exactly what I'd do with her if she'd let me. Things that would make our eyes cross in pleasure, things that would make her feel sensations she didn't even know she was capable of feeling, sensations so good she wonders if she can stand a second more – and that's when she crosses the plateau into something even more pleasurable still."

The look in his eyes as he describes it is so dead sexy Robin wants to offer herself as the hookup, wants to pull him to her by his tie and kiss him senseless, climb onto his lap and make him remember how good it was between them. _Rein it in, Scherbatsky_, she admonishes herself and instead wonders aloud, "How are you gonna get the hookup you want if you're up here talking to me?"

"Who says the two are mutually exclusive?" Barney holds her eyes steadily, studying her carefully as he makes the next thinly veiled insinuation. "Maybe I can have both."

A beat passes between them while his statement hangs heavy in the air. He's so close to her she wouldn't even have to use his tie; all she'd have to do is lean in. And he smells so incredible that again her mind conjures up the image of him having both with _her_, right now.

But she pulls herself out of it, fairly certain that's not even what Barney is suggesting. They flirt a little, sure, but since the falling out with Ted last year Barney doesn't blatantly hit on her anymore…..Or maybe it has nothing to do with Ted and it's just because he's now had her already and consequently lost any further interest. Whatever the reason, she knows _she's_ the one whose mind has taken a dirty turn here and she has a long drink of beer to distract herself and regain control. "Maybe. But if you wait too long all the 7s and 8s will be gone." He'll have to settle for a 6 or maybe even a 5 _without_ a big rack, which would be unthinkable for him.

Robin's 'maybe' was noncommittal, but it still leaves Barney soaring in victory of the fact that she didn't say no. He wants her to know that he's willing to sit tight with that for now; he's willing to wait if it means he can get the 'yes' later. "Even if we stay right here all night just talking, that's fine by me. I think I can eventually have both."

"And what if you can't?" she ponders aloud. That's been the interesting question for her. In the years that she's known him Barney has made it clear that her friendship does mean a lot to him. She knows he cares about her. But how does that stack up in relation to his own pursuits? How would things shake out if the two were in opposition to each other? Would he put being a good friend to her above the easy booty call waiting downstairs?

"Then I still want to stay here with you," he answers with no hesitation at all. Even if he can't '_have_ her' have her, just being with her right now is still more interesting than the women downstairs.

"You don't mean that," she laughs doubtfully.

"I do mean that," Barney verifies in that tone he uses when he's trying to convince her she's the second most awesome person he knows only she just doesn't seem to believe him. "Robin, you're my bro – nah, you're higher than a mere ordinary bro like Marshall or even Ted. You're my laser tag partner. You frequent the cigar club with me. We've been to Bang Central Station together," he adds suggestively, and it makes her grin like he knew it would. "There is nothing more important to me than finding out why you're really up here."

Robin's caught off guard by that. "What do you mean?"

He gives her a look. "Come on. You're not just tired. If you were _that_ tired you'd have fallen asleep even with the noise. I've seen you dead tired. I've seen you fall asleep eating ribs. I once saw you fall asleep _into_ your pancakes."

She frowns, quietly admitting, "I found syrup dried into my hair later that day." Taking another long drink, she passes him the bottle and he does the same.

"This isn't about being tired." Barney bumps his shoulder into hers, giving her a gentle smile. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you. I mean it. I truly want to know."

"Really?" she asks, still skeptical.

"Yes, _really_," he rolls his eyes. "Geez, Scherbatsky. Who knew you'd turned so girly on me?" He gives her back the bottle and waits until she looks up at him. "You can start by telling me all about how your new show is going."

Robin's genuinely surprised and pleased to hear him taking an interest. Much like her dad, none of them seem to take an interest in what she's doing even though it's important to her. They couldn't even pay attention to _one_ of her shows. "You want to hear about _Come On, Get Up New York!_?" she asks hopefully.

"Sure I do," Barney encourages her. "The episode where you delivered the baby _was_ impressive, but earlier this week when you had that International Pride day and you sang the lyrics of "Boom Boom Pow" in French for our neighbors in the Great White North, _that_ was TV gold."

"You _do_ watch my show!" Robin exclaims ecstatically.

Seeing how thrilled it's made her pulls the rest of the truth from him. "I TIVO every episode." She smiles at him breathtakingly, but he has to qualify it just a little to protect his pride lest she discover his dirty little secret of how much he adores her. "I have to make sure our video resume landed you a position that's doing you justice."

"Well you might want to cancel your season pass then," she says chagrined, draining the rest of bottle. And now it's his turn to ask her what she means by that. "It's so early in the morning, for one thing. Who's even watching? _You_ may be my only viewer. And….I guess it's just not what I thought it would be. It's really not that different than where I was before, and I – " Realizing she's blathering on, Robin stops herself. She'd love to unburden herself to Barney. She'd love for him to really care. But he left the party because he was bored and listening to her complaining has got to be even worse than that. "But it doesn't matter. It's stupid…..I'm sure you don't want to sit here and hear all about my problems, particularly when you could go back downstairs and get some."

"No, Robin," he admonishes, a hint of gentle exasperation sneaking in. "I _want_ to hear about your stuff. I want to help you. I want to hear all about it."

She lifts her empty bottle, shaking it. "I've run out of beer, and you never even had any, and I know you don't – "

"That's no thing; I can go on a beer run," Barney declares, already standing up. "You've had a long day, so just stay here. I'll go down and grab us some beer and I'll be right back."

"Are you sure?" Robin asks, unable to keep the smile from creeping up on her lips at the thought that Barney is choosing her over a room full of available, easy sex.

"Positive. Barney Stinson is as much an expert on work-related affairs as he is on bedroom affairs," he says with a devilish grin. "Whatever it is, I've got the answer. Just wait right here." He gives her one last smile before disappearing back over the wall.

In his wake Robin settles back against the pillow, laughing a little too herself. There's no refuting how excited and happy she is to have him with her tonight really listening and _caring_ about her issues. She's never waited for a man in her life. And as dangerous as waiting on Barney Stinson is – as any of her emotions and feelings relying on his appearance is – she can't help feeling he's the only man who ever has been worth waiting for. And that damned Beyoncé song haunts her again. Maybe Barney was right; maybe it was a bad choice, because the lyrics flood her heart again: _It's like I've been awakened. Every rule I had you're breaking. It's a risk that I'm taking. But I ain't never gonna shut you out._

It's not by choice, she knows. She's just _incapable_ of shutting him out; she's tried. So for now she just gives in to it, laying her head back, putting the earbuds in, and going along for the ride with the very scary feeling that Beyoncé may be right about Barney being everything she needs and more.

Downstairs, on his way hurrying back from the kitchen, Barney runs smack into Ted. "Dude, you've got to get rid of your co-worker," he stresses, refusing at this point to identify him as his own friend.

Barney glances over to the couch where Ted was sitting. On it now are just that same girl he was hitting on earlier and Gary Blauman. "Blauman?" Barney questions. "You can't out-game Blauman?"

Ted bristles. "He knows a lot about Teddy Roosevelt, okay? You still work with the guy. Just get rid of him. I've got a decent shot at sex here and the girl's a solid 8. You've _got_ to appreciate that. Please, Barney," he takes to begging when his other tactics didn't work. "From one wingman to another. Every second away from her I'm losing ground."

"Look, bro, I would," Barney answers reluctantly, "but I've got a thing going I've got to get back to."

"Ahh, I get it. Quid pro bro," Ted answers slyly, thinking Barney's trying to blackmail him into arranging his own hookup. "Well, here…" He hastily scans the room, grabbing the arm of the blonde secretary walking by who used to work with him at his old firm. "Ashli, have you met Barney?" Ted says, pushing the woman at him and walking back to the couch.

And because timing is a bitch, Ted's old work friend happens to be clingy, and slutty, and too dim to take a hint. She instantly gloms onto him and he can't seem to tactfully extricate himself. He's still trying to work his way out of that mess, finally opting to just be blunt despite any ensuing anger and just tell her he's with someone, when Blauman comes over before he can.

"Barney, you've got to help me out." Blauman pulls him slightly aside. "I'm trying to arrange a little somethin-somethin but that's really hard to do when there's a third party hanging around. If you could just distract – "

"I can't. I'm busy right now," Barney answers tersely, tired of this whole ridiculous situation and impatient to get back to Robin.

"I see," Blauman smirks, looking towards the blonde at Barney's right. "I help you, you help me." Thinking he's doing him a solid, Blauman pulls the blonde back over and starts talking Barney up to her.

"_No_," Barney whines beneath his breath. "Will everyone just stop helping me?"

Back up on the roof it's been three songs and ten minutes and Robin's been waiting and waiting, wondering what's taking so long to grab two beers. Finally she gets restless and heads down to check for herself. Climbing back in the apartment, the first thing she sees is Barney. His back is to the window but she'd recognize that silhouette and suit – and the man in it – anywhere. The second thing she notices is the scantily clad, bleached blonde woman hanging all over him, enthralled at his every word.

The stab of jealousy, disillusionment, and injured feelings shouldn't be there….but it is. "Of course," Robin mutters bitterly. Because she should have known better and she's got no one to blame but herself.

She swiftly changes direction and heads into her room before he can see her, heads back to bed disappointed.

What was she thinking imagining Barney Stinson would ever put her first?

* * *

><p>The next morning even after showering, changing into a pair of comfy sweats for a quiet day at home – a habit she falls into whenever she's had a setback and is depressed – and blow-drying her hair, Ted, Gary Blauman from GNB, and the woman whose name she ultimately discovered is Steph, are <em>still<em> sitting on the couch locked in some sort of battle of wills, or hormones.

Whatever it is, Robin's in no mood to put up with it, still stinging from what happened last night and hating herself for believing for even a second that it would turn out otherwise, and she just ignores them. Grabbing the paper, she pours herself a bowl of cereal and sits down to eat her breakfast as if they aren't even there. Although when Ted has a sleep deprived outburst of "Would you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep?!" she can't refrain from replying "Smooth, bro" around her cornflakes.

Not surprisingly, Steph leaves after that and Ted goes off to bed to get some sleep just as he said. Giving up, Blauman too is about to head home but asks to use their restroom first. As soon as Blauman closes the bathroom door, that's the moment Barney picks to let himself into the apartment.

Finding Robin alone, which is what he'd hoped for, Barney heads over to stand beside her. "Hey," he says cautiously, not sure if he should sound happy to see her or completely indifferent as he has no clue why she took off on him the night before. "So what happened last night?"

Robin scoffs indignantly at that. "_You're_ asking me?"

It's clear by her tone that he's done something wrong and she's miffed at him, though he has no clue what his transgression was.

"But, hey, it's no big deal," she continues, making it very clear that it _is_. "I'm the one who told you to go back to the party and score your 8 for that hookup you wanted, so easy breezy." She gets up and walks away from him, brings her bowl to the sink. "I just thought _since you told me_ I was more important and asked me to wait that you'd be coming back. But that's probably a classic play, right? How to deal with the overemotional talker."

"No," Barney answers dumbfounded, following her into the kitchen. "Where would you get an idea like that?"

"When I finally got wise and came downstairs and saw you with your latest conquest," she replies, brushing past him to walk into the living room. "But that's okay. You ditched me for some bimbo, so whatever," she shrugs. "You're Barney Stinson; what can I expect? I mean I thought it was 'bros before hos', but you know…"

Now Barney understands and he feels hot, niggling dread creeping through him as he crosses into the living room to her. They came so close to a breakthrough last night, he can't let her think that about him. He has to get back on her good side again. "Robin, I swear, I didn't ditch you for the bimbo. I didn't even have sex with her. I promise you that's _not_ what happened."

"It wasn't what it looked like?" Robin mocks. "Come on, Barney, you can do better than that."

"We didn't have sex. That's not what you saw. Ted thought he was being a good wingman by hooking me up with this girl he knew. I was just trying to get rid of her so I could get back to you. I even had our two beers in my hand – did you see that?"

"Yeah, one for you and one for her."

"No, I swear," Barney promises, stepping closer and putting his hand on her arm. "They were for us. Leave no man behind and all of that," he reminds her, referencing their very first night broing out. "I still believe it, Robin. I _wasn't_ ditching you. I got away from her as politely as possible, but when I went back up to the roof you'd already gone. I came back downstairs, tried your room, but the door was locked. I thought _you_ ditched me…..And then I told Ted I was leaving and I went home. _Alone_," he clarifies before she even bothers asking because he knows that's her next remark.

Robin doesn't know what to believe anymore. She knows what she saw, but his story _is_ plausible. And he sounds so earnest and sincere. But with Barney – habitual liar that he is – that usually means nothing. Still, he hasn't made a habit of lying to her. With her, he's usually brutally honest about every detail of a hookup, far more than she cares to hear. "You really didn't have sex with that girl?" she asks him uncertainly. "Tell me the truth, Barney."

Pinning her with his eyes looking squarely into hers, he vows, "I didn't have sex with her. Honestly. Standing you up and abandoning you there just to bang some random girl, that's not something I would do." Robin gives him a pointed look. "Alright, it's totally something I would do," he admits with a smile but says the next part seriously. "But not to you…..Okay?"

Robin slowly smiles now too, closing her eyes in embarrassment for overreacting. "Okay." She's got to get a hold of herself before whatever this weird thing is she's feeling or having or _whatever_ it is with Barney starts making her act really crazy. "You're right. I'm sorry. I should've given you the benefit of the doubt."

"It _is_ bros before hos, Robin. Always." Barney holds up his fist for her to bump and when she does, along with one of their patented explosions, he grins, laughing. "That's more like it." He grabs her arm and pulls her down on the couch to sit with him. "Now tell me what you were going to tell me last night. Tell me all about what's going on at work. Take your time; I have the whole day free."

Robin's eyes light up with mischief. "I'll get to that, but first let me tell you how pathetically Ted blew a sure thing this morning."

"Ted can't even manage to bang a sure thing? Imagine that." Barney shakes his head.

"Oh this was a good one too," she giggles, resting her hand on his arm. "You only missed it by like ten minutes."

Barney turns to her, grinning in anticipation, when Blauman comes walking back out of the bathroom.

"Oh hey, Barney," Blauman greets him.

Robin looks up, annoyed at the interruption. She'd honestly forgotten the man was still here.

"Hey, Blauman," Barney responds, equally lacking enthusiasm.

"I bet you had quite a time last night," Blauman snickers.

Barney can see it all before it even happens, like staring at a house of cards and watching as someone swipes a hand across it, knocking them all down. There's nothing he can do to stop it, only brace himself for what's to come.

"We all heard you doing that girl in the bathroom. It's better than I got, that's for sure. It took me all night to realize I was barking up the wrong tree. But you….congratulates, man." He raises his hand for a high five. "It sounded like a good time was had by all."

It feels to Robin like someone's just thrown a bucket of ice water on her. It's that much of a shock to the system – discombobulating, outrageous and disgusting all rolled into one. "So let me get this straight," she says, standing up and stepping away from Barney to face Blauman eye to eye. "You're saying Barney had sex with some girl in my bathroom last night."

"Yeah," Blauman says, confused. He doesn't know what's going on but he's aware of the change in the room. "Some friend of Ted's, I guess."

"I see," she nods, staring daggers at Barney.

"I'm just gonna go," Blauman mutters awkwardly before taking off, but no one pays him any mind.

It's obvious to Barney that he's caught in a lie, but not _all_ of it was a lie. Most of it wasn't. He only took the easy sex in the bathroom after he saw that Robin had gone and it felt like a rejection from her. He had no idea that she'd actually come downstairs and gotten the wrong idea. He really hadn't ditched her for the bimbo; that was the important part. But this morning she was already peeved and he knew that if she found out the rest she'd be mad or, worse still, disappointed in him. He didn't want either, so he lied. "Okay. I did have sex with her. But that was only _after_ you'd gone to bed. I didn't stand you up so I could be with her, and I did leave alone. It was only – "

"Barney, just go home." Robin turns her back on him, walking to her room. "I don't want to hear any more from you," she says a second before closing the door.

* * *

><p>The next day he finds her in the apartment again, waits until Ted leaves, and then apologizes to her candidly, explaining that he'd only lied because he didn't want to risk their friendship with her getting the wrong idea and thinking he'd abandoned her for ready sex, because that wasn't how it happened at all.<p>

Barney is so serious and pained while he's saying it that Robin knows right away he's genuinely telling the true this time.

"So we're good?" Barney asks nervously. "You're not mad at me anymore?"

"Yes, we're good," Robin smiles. And they are. But as friends. She can't allow herself to even momentarily consider the idea of anything more. Because believing him before still makes her feel like one of his gullible pickups. And it bothers her – _hurts_ her, to tell the truth – the ease with which he could lie right to her face, and so sincerely too. Her, of all people. They are the two outsiders and she's always felt like they have this understanding between them. But the fact that he wouldn't be honest and straightforward with _her_ – and then lied about lying – makes her wonder if he's even capable of telling the absolute truth. And that thought makes it too scary to entertain the idea of ever being anything more than friends.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>Robin runs a hand over her face as she pulls herself from the memory, watching her reflection in the mirror, a picture perfect bride wearing a very troubled expression.<p>

It wasn't so much the sex that bugged her that morning. Yes, she was jealous, but she'd felt at least vaguely that way about all of Barney's conquests for a while at that point. Whenever she felt that way she'd just remind herself they didn't mean anything to him and that helped a lot. But regardless of jealousy, or envy, or wanting it to be her, or whatever it was, they weren't even remotely together. He could sleep with whoever he wanted, wherever he wanted, and she couldn't rightly be mad at him for that. But it sucked that he hadn't been there for her while he was off on his own interests – because no matter what he said she couldn't believe he hadn't enjoyed the girl's flirtations more than he let on when he went back and slept with her later that night. And she _hated_ that he'd lie to her about it that way.

Robin puts her head all the way into her hands now, closing her eyes and reminding herself that was four years ago. Barney's changed. They both have.

…..But has there been _enough_ change, she wonders. Because that's kind of the same thing that happened when she called him to help her and he didn't come to the park because he was too busy off having his fun.

Dear god, she wishes he would have just come through for her that day, or somehow gotten her locket for her since then. Against all rationality in the back of her mind she kept wishing that he'd somehow pull it off for her in the week and a half in between. Because that was the sign she'd asked for, finding her locket still after all these years. That was the signal that their marriage is destined to last and everything will be okay. If he'd been able to somehow magically find it, it would have been this perfect sign that their love is a modern day fairy tale just like Lily's scrapbook said and it's meant to be and nothing can come between them, ever. It would have been that ultimate preassurance that it's alright to marry him; it won't end in disaster like her parents' marriage did. And if he'd only just shown up at the park – if he'd even _tried_ at all – that would have proven Barney _is_ always there for her, he always comes through.

As it is now, she keeps hearing her mom's words repeat in her head: a marriage will only last if the man is safe, dependable, and never-fail there for you.

Well, Barney Stinson is about the most dangerous man any woman could choose for a husband. He hasn't always been dependable either. In fact sometimes he can be downright unpredictable, and it's hard to fully know what you can and can't believe when he has such a history of lying and doing it so well. And that day in the park at least he wasn't there for her. Now this Blauman memory has brought another such time to mind, albeit in the distance past.

Panic has set in, cold and debilitating, and she can't think straight, can't seem to discern anything anymore – what's important and real and what's trivial and insignificant, what's a genuine concern and what's just paranoia, what's a critical problem and what is simply fear talking. She's all confused and scared and jumbled up inside and she can't figure out _what_ to make of it.

But she's supposed to get married in exactly thirty minutes. She's supposed to make the biggest commitment of her life in just a half an hour, a commitment that for years she thought she'd never make.

…..And she doesn't know if she can do it. She honestly feels like she can't. It's her and Barney. Her and _Barney_. What are they doing getting married?

She's having a serious crisis here. So she calls for the best man.

Because two and half years ago he promised her he'd talk her through this moment and get her down that aisle.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I wanted to explain in this chapter how Robin's "serious crisis" came on so suddenly other than just her mom's nonsensical ramblings about Barney being like Robin Sr. (which is ridiculous and doesn't fit her dad's character at all). Plus however her mom spooked her, and she obviously did, Robin still went to the church, had her hair done, put on her wedding dress and so forth. Even spooked, at no time in the three hours in between does she try to call it off. So I wanted to show it as being an irrational freak-out because the time was now upon her, but also a freak-out that needed just the tiniest new catalyst (on top of everything else) to set it off….and enter Gary Blauman.

I chose the Blauman flashback that was presented in the episode because Robin's hair was too long for it to be set in Season 6 or 7 so that placed it in Season 4 or 5, and late Season 4 just made sense in terms of providing an additional reason why she was reluctant to go for it with Barney in the first place and why she says in "The Leap", "It's _Barney_….but it's Barney" – and of course remembering those reasons for her reluctance isn't going to be helpful at a time when she's already freaking out.

One last thing if there was any confusion, in the flashback Barney makes a reference to last November when Robin was staying with Marshall and Lily and what happened up on their roof, that's a callback to an earlier flashback I wrote in 9.13.

**AN #2:** The chapter for 9.22 will feature not only the lead-up and the wedding itself but also all of the reception (and, yes, to answer a reader's comment there _will_ be a short family moment at the reception that features _all_ of them together from both Robin's and Barney's side of the family) as well as the wedding night and morning after (I feel like I've already covered the honeymoon in my chapter for 9.16 so there won't be any more of that included) so that in the next chapter I can start doing time jumps. The point being, it's likely going to be a very long finale chapter, and the whole story has been leading up to this so I want to do it justice. That means this next update won't be as quick as the others have been recently, but I hope it will be worth the wait (I've certainly enjoyed working on this part of the story).


	72. 922 Part I

**AN**: I've never done this before. Since I started writing this it's always been one chapter for one episode. But things went rogue with that AU finale and what I'm actually dealing with here is two separate chunks – what aired as 9.22 and then what we saw in the very, very beginning of 9.23 (the parts written in the here and now, not Carter Bay's AU monstrosity from eight years ago). So I've decided to split this episode up into two halves (because only just getting up to the wedding I was already at nearly 21,000 words!).

Really, that's how it should have aired anyway. We all know they should have ended it at Barney and Robin's wedding and then showed Ted meeting the Mother and fade to black. The way it should have gone is all of the lead-up with Robin's "serious crisis" and the like should have aired as one entire episode, 9.22, and then the wedding ceremony itself along with the reception and the rest of the night's events should have been 9.23/9.24. That is the way I'm going to post it in my fic, except I don't acknowledge their AU 9.23 (meaning past the first 6 ½ minutes) or 9.24 so mine will be posted as "The End of the Aisle, Parts I & II".

* * *

><p><strong>The End of the Aisle, Part I<strong>

* * *

><p>Waiting for Lily to go get Ted, Robin is so anxious that her stomach feels sick. She's just so confused and afraid, and though she wants to marry Barney with all of her heart right now her head is terrified that if she does it may not work out. Ted promised to help get her down that aisle, and he's the only one who knows the truth about her locket and all her fears she told him at the carousel. He has to help her with this; he just <em>has<em> to.

She turns nervously when she hears the door opening and her first question to him is to ask after Barney, find out if he's freaking out too. Ted informs her that Barney is "totally fine", which _is_ good news. Considering his history, she really had expected some form of wedding jitters right about now. Of course she expected it from herself too, but who knew Barney would be the calm one and she would be the one completely losing it?

"Um, just one small issue…..Ah…." Her voice breaks as she comes out with the rest because she hates even considering it, hates that it's come to voicing it out loud. "I can't go through with this wedding."

Ted tries to tell her everyone feels this way on their wedding day, but he doesn't get it. This isn't just jitters. "No, it's – it's more than that. I'm having a serious crisis."

She wonders about climbing out the window and Ted reminds her it's the same one _he_ climbed out already with Victoria. But now that she's gotten as far as contemplating shimmying down drain pipes, it's only reasonable to assume Ted would like any explanation for what's prompted this, or at least a little more to go on than just "a serious crisis".

Trying unsuccessfully to stave off the tears in her eyes, Robin explains to him what she's been struggling with for hours this afternoon, the fact that while she knows it sounds insane she still thinks it's a bad sign that she never found her locket.

The box was just empty; that has to be a bad sign, doesn't it?

And she'd wanted just the opposite – _really_ wanted it – this heavenly sign that her marriage to Barney was blessed from on high and all would be well. If she would have gotten that kind of transcendent reassurance she wouldn't be freaking out right now. She craved that sort of magical sign, the kind that Ted has been going on about ever since she's known him, because if she would have gotten that then there wouldn't be any risk to this at all. If the Universe had told her their marriage would be a beautiful success then it wouldn't even require any leaps of faith from her. It would just be a no brainer.

And that's the thing; for the past week she'd secretly wished that Barney would somehow recover her locket. Somehow the Universe would line up for the two of them and he'd be able to do it for her, thus providing her with that certainty. But he didn't, so here she is.

"I know – I know that's unfair of me to expect that," she acknowledges, and what little levelheadedness Robin has left forces her eyes closed just hearing her own self. Because where was Barney supposed to even begin to find her locket? _She_ wouldn't know where to start. Still, she'd wanted it, and she feels disappointed that she didn't get that reassurance from him. "But….I want to be with a guy who comes through for me…..you know? The guy who somehow against all odds finds my locket." Then it would prove that their marriage is destiny – and it would show that Barney at least put forth the effort.

What makes this so hard right now is that not only has Barney failed to do the impossible for her but he didn't so much as _try_ to find her locket. He didn't even come when she called.

The locket has become a symbol to her, a test for the rest of their marriage. And Barney flunked big time.

What if that means he _is_ too much like her dad? She doesn't want a guy who's going to put her needs second and continually let her down like he did that day in the park when she needed him. This whole thing is deeply, deeply troubling and she doesn't know what to think or do.

Ted tells her to calm down, that he'll get her some water. And then he leaves her there, alone again and continuing to go to pieces, wondering what good a drink of water could possibly do at a time like this.

* * *

><p>Barney was doing fine after that talk with Ted where he reminded him of Punchy's wedding and the incredible dance he and Robin shared, but just seconds later Lily came into the room. Ted left because Robin was asking for him, and the first thing out of Lily's mouth the minute they were alone was to question if he was really going to go with <em>that<em> tie, efficiently throwing him right back into his nervous jitters.

He kept freaking out more and more….and _more_. It was when he mentioned heading back to New York that Lily called for Marshall. That didn't stop Barney from starting to bolt out the window, however. He got one leg all the way out but Marshall kept pulling him back in, with Lily pulling on Marshall too and the both of them together attempting to keep him in the building.

"I have a better tie at home. It's cornflower blue. IT'S CORNFLOWER BLUE!" he'd screamed hysterically.

"Okay, fine," Marshall had relented. His wife ran forward at that point and grabbed onto Barney herself until Marshall told her, "Lily, let him go."

"Huh?" Barney had looked around in confusion, wondering why they weren't blocking him anymore.

"You're free to go," Marshall had told him. "We won't stop you." And he made sure they both stepped back away, giving him free clearance to make his escape out of the window. "But do you really want to do this? You just want to run out like this? Or do you want to marry _Robin_? The woman you told me four years ago you saw yourself one day running towards in slow motion."

That's all it took to snap Barney out of it. Because of course he wants to marry Robin. That 'one day' he used to dream but he thought would never come, that day is _today_, and he wouldn't miss it for the world.

He calmed down after that – well, as best he could anyway – and it must have been noticeable enough because after that Marshall and Lily trusted to leave him alone, and he's been using this private time before the wedding to continue working on his vows. After all, he's down to the wire now.

That's how Ted finds him a minute later – calm and writing – but the second Barney hears that _Robin_ is nervous that's all he needs to set him off again. He's not going to try to bolt anymore. That was halfhearted anyway. But it's making him start panicking and he grabs for the paper sack Lily left for him in case his nerves came back. He's hanging upside down breathing into the bag when Ted asks him, "Do you remember Robin's locket?"

That immediately has Barney's attention. "Yeah, of course," he answers, all seriousness and panic forgotten as he flips back upright. "She never found it," he says with regret.

Robin had told him that day she was going to look for her locket in Central Park but he hadn't thought it was that big of a deal to her, just her 'something old' for the wedding. Still, he hoped that she would find it. He wanted that for her since that's what _she_ wanted, and he felt badly when he eventually realized her call to him that afternoon meant she hadn't been able to locate it. He felt especially terrible once he got to the park and saw for himself how obviously upset she was. It felt like he'd failed her and let her down and he was ashamed of that, which is why he left without ever telling her he'd been there. But he wanted to make it up to Robin by ultimately finding the locket for her by their wedding day. He'd tried looking, making a thorough sweep of the park all around the carousel, but he had no more luck than she had.

Consequently Barney can hardly believe it when Ted produces the locket. He even jumps back a little in surprise, surprise that almost instantly turns to remorse seeing Robin's locket right there in Ted's hand. It will certainly make Robin happy, but he wishes _he_ could have been the one to find it for her. He can't help feeling like he's let her down again, like he should have tried harder because if Ted could find it then with all of _his_ resources he should have been able to too.

Ted goes on to explain he was going to give the locket to Robin as a wedding gift but he's changed his mind because "she needs it to come from you". He starts handing the locket to Barney but he recoils.

It doesn't seem right to take credit for something he didn't do – and it undeniably feels plain _wrong_ to lie Robin about it this way. She'd made a point of how important that was to her after the whole _Playbook_ thing, and that had been an omission not even an actual lie. Their little surprises for each other are as far as Robin ever wants them to go into dishonesty. He knows she doesn't approve of keeping these kinds of secrets. "Ted….I don't know." The whole idea is setting off alarms. His gut instinct is this is not aboveboard and it doesn't feel like something he should be doing.

But Ted keeps insisting, and between that and what he just said about not wanting him to take it the wrong way it gives Barney a further moment's pause, enough to question Ted on how exactly he found the locket because this whole thing seems shady, like there's something more to it that he doesn't know.

"I didn't find. You found it," Ted instructs him, dead serious.

Barney is not without strong misgivings, but he trusts Ted enough to take his advice – Ted who is a lot of things that fall short of awesome but his bro _does_ have a strong moral compass and if he thinks this is okay then it must be. Plus he hasn't spoken to Robin for hours while Ted's just been in there with her. If Ted says she's nervous and insists this is the thing to do, that she needs this to come from him, who is he to argue? He always wants to give Robin what she needs.

So Barney nods and takes the locket.

* * *

><p>Alone inside her room, Robin is still fretful and unnerved when she hears a knock at her door. "Ted, if you think that some water is gonna – " She cuts off when she opens the door and sees her fiancé on the other side. "Barney," she corrects in surprise.<p>

"I – I had to see you before the ceremony because I wanted to….." On the way over Barney had been rehearsing in his mind exactly what to say, but now that he sees her he trails off in awe of how beautiful she is in her wedding dress. "Look at you….." He does just that, his eyes gliding over her from head to toe, and he shakes his head in reverence. "You're _stunning_….Robin, you are the most gorgeous bride I have ever seen."

She smiles at him and he smiles back and they both get a little lost in it.

Hearing his compliment, seeing the softness is his eyes, simply smiling at each other makes everything else melt away, including her nerves. Once again it seems she just needed him there with her to feel calm and okay again, to know that their love is enough.

"We don't have much time and I know we both need to finish getting ready," Barney continues, the hard metal hidden in his fist a reminder of why he came to her room in the first place, "but I wanted to give you a little pre-wedding gift….I know how much this meant to you."

Robin stands at her door in anticipation, still smiling at him happily and no longer upset. She feels alright now and ready to go on with the ceremony with or without a wedding day gift from Barney, but she's excited to see what he's gotten her all the same.

When he opens up his hand and pulls out a gold chain at the bottom of which is a gold heart-shaped locket – _the_ locket – Robin gasps and her jaw opens wide, her hands flying up to cover her mouth in astonishment. It's almost too good to be true, almost like she must be imagining it. She reaches for the locket to verify that it's actually real, but it is very concrete and real, and holding it in her own two hands she can see without a doubt that it truly is her missing locket from all those years ago.

And with that knowledge a heavy, heavy weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Her missing locket was _not_ a bad omen. Her locket wasn't even missing at all. On the contrary, this is her sign that she'd asked for that all will be well – and this is Barney coming through for her too just like she hoped he would. It means he passed the test and everything's okay now. She can marry him and live her dream.

"Barney….oh my god," she gushes, reaching for him and kissing him. Now she can have everything she's ever wanted. She can have it and be happy and _nothing_ will ever take it away from her.

Barney had his reservations over lying about this, but now that he sees how happy it's made her it doesn't seem like it could be wrong. It _must_ have been the right thing; Ted knew what he was talking about.

After she slowly breaks the kiss, she continues to stare at him in wonder. "Barney, how did you – _where_ did you find this?" she asks in amazement. "When I dug up the box it was empty."

"Magic," Barney smiles and shrugs evasively. "….A magician can't reveal his secrets."

Robin frowns slightly at that because it sounds like a cover. Actually, it sounds like something he might have said back in the day during one of his plays. "No, really. Where did you find it?"

"Uh….it was in Marshall and Lily's basement. Yeah, I guess you were drunk one night and went and dug it up. That's why you didn't remember. But it must've gotten mixed in with their stuff when you briefly lived with them." Barney knew Robin would ask him where he'd found her locket so he made Ted give him a little backstory on how he actually found the locket after discovering the empty box and learning how it became empty. Apparently the drunken night in question happened years ago, right before she temporarily moved to Japan. He just made up the part about Marshall and Lily's place off the cuff.

Now that Barney's jogged her mind, Robin can vaguely remember it. It's coming back to her in bits and pieces…She was freaking out because she didn't want to move away and leave behind the life and friends she loved, but she felt that she was out of options and had no reason _not_ to go. She had no other job prospects, and her love life was going nowhere, and with Ted getting married it left her all the more adrift as it meant she'd even lost her last-chance backup – because no way in her mind at that time did she even remotely see Barney as an option, despite her growing feelings for him. She couldn't handle it – pretending that all she wanted was world travel, living a lie not only to others but to her own self, swearing all this time that was all she'd ever need but knowing now that career alone wasn't enough for her yet feeling like she had nothing left _but_ that – so she went out and got trashed. She was an absolute wreck that night. She started whining about how she'd never get married because Ted was her only chance and he didn't want her either and now she'd never need that locket so she might as well go dig it up.

"Lily told me the story, and after that I thought to check in their basement," Barney continues, but she barely even hears him.

Her mind, now swiftly remembering more and more fragments of that night, is too busy piecing it all together. "Marshall and Lily's basement, huh?"

"Yep," he confirms, all simple and straightforward and relaxed. "But it doesn't really matter where it came from. All that matters is that you have your 'something old' now."

Robin doesn't say anything in reply. In fact she's looking at him with an entirely blank expression. But he remembers her huge smile earlier, and because of that alone even though lying about the locket made him uncomfortable he figures it must be a good thing that he's done here.

When she still doesn't say anything else, Barney fills the momentary silence with, "Well, I guess I should head back so we can both get ready."

"Yeah, I guess….."

"Bye," he smiles to her, kissing her quickly before turning and heading down the hall.

Robin walks back into her room, closing the door and leaning heavily against it.

Something is off about Barney's story and she knows it. She remembers it all now, and it just doesn't add up. She got drunk, she dug up the necklace, and Lily was there with her. All of that is true.

But the rest of what he's told her is where it goes awry and doesn't make sense. Back at the apartment Lily had tried to placate her, which ended in her putting the locket inside Ted's race car box. She was so drunk that afterwards it was a total blackout for her. The next morning she didn't remember a thing past what happened at MacLaren's. That's why she never went back to retrieve her locket.

And that means the locket was never even in her things to get mixed up in Lily and Marshall's storage unit. Nor would it have just been left behind in the old apartment's storage from when _she_ lived there because it always would have been with Ted, who still has that race car box to this day. She's never even seen him open it….meaning her locket would have still been in there years later – though it may have fallen open in one of his moves like when he brought his things to Stella's old New Jersey home, or when he moved into his new apartment and then later when Victoria moved in too, or when Jeanette trashed the place…..

Locating her locket wouldn't mean going down to Marshall and Lily's basement. It would mean tracking down its whereabouts by means of all potential people who might have come into contact with the race car box.

That's when she figures it out: Ted's convenient trip to go get her a glass of water and then Barney suddenly showing up and magically gifting her with the locket. Barney was lying to her. He didn't find her locket at all. Ted did.

* * *

><p>Unsure as he'd been about it, giving Robin the locket as if <em>he'd<em> found it made her unquestionably happy so Barney considered it a success as he headed back into his room and sat down to scrupulously set to work again on his stack of rejected vows.

But, as before, he hasn't gotten very far. All the past couple of minutes have really resulted in are a bunch of crumpled up papers on the couch and in and around the trashcan as he's made revision after revision, none of them seeming quite good enough.

The truth is he's been trying for weeks to get his vows right, but he's hardly ever had so much trouble with anything in his life.

When Lily and Marshall pop back in to check on him they sense his tension and facetiously ask if he's writing his suicide note rather than getting married.

"I'm writing my vows to Robin," he explains, not appreciating their joke. "But I want them to be profound and inspiring as if they were written by the bard himself – Lionel Richie."

They both scoff at him but he's dead serious. He wants his vows to be sweet and soulful and romantic, like a beautiful and touching song lyric. Writing their own personal vows is a lot of pressure and he doesn't want to screw this up. He wants his vows to Robin to communicate everything that's worthy of her, and how much he loves her, and all the things he wants to promise her in their marriage. That's such a hard thing to accomplish to begin with, and then at the same time he knows through watching Marshall and Lily's "official" wedding and subsequent six year marriage that almost all of those pretty vows couples speak to each other go on to be eventually broken.

He doesn't want that to be the case for him and Robin. That's why it's important to him that on the flipside of all the pretty and inspiring promises there is a basis of genuine realness and solid truth to his vows. He can't know what the future will bring – no one can – and years down the line he doesn't want a stack of broken vows to hers. And since he doesn't want to promise anything there's a chance he might not be able to live up to he's kept it pretty cynical, setting the bar extraordinarily low because he only wants to make promises to her that he knows for certain he can keep.

But that's why he's having such a difficult time at it because the two don't mix. How can you wax lyrical about the beauty of your love while also making useless, pathetic, and even a few insufferable promises merely designed to be unbreakable?

Lily and Marshall offer to help him but Barney laughs in the face of that. Not only have they broken their own vows again and again but as he freely points out to them, "I am not gonna take marriage advice from a couple who just got in a gigantic fight." And he promptly leaves to try and find inspiration elsewhere in the church – or at least some peace and quiet.

* * *

><p>Robin glances at the clock as she walks back over to the dressing table. 5:38. They're down to just twenty-two minutes before the wedding.<p>

She opens up her hand, staring down at the locket she's still holding.

She's certain Barney lied to her. She knows it but doesn't want to know it. When she thinks back on how easily and effortlessly he'd told her he found her locket in Marshall and Lily's basement it's like nails on a chalkboard to her because she knows it was all just a lie.

And it was like nothing to him. He didn't even seem guilty at all.

She's already been extremely nervous with her own anxiety and wedding jitters and then everything her mother said about her dad. Now with Barney lying to her this way it's a whole other _huge_ issue of reliability and trust. What is she going to do?

A knock comes on her door and it's Ted. Not surprisingly, there's no bottle of water in his hand, confirming her suspicions. He didn't leave to go get her any water. He left to give her locket to Barney.

But she acts like nothing's wrong, showing Ted what Barney just gave her to gauge his reaction. "See, Barney came through. There's your sign. You're good to go," Ted says quickly, turning to leave, clearly in a hurry to escape.

And now Robin knows for certain that Barney was lying. It was all just a setup. Ted was trying to make her feel better and Barney willingly and casually went along, thinking nothing of lying to her.

"Where'd you find the locket, Ted?" she asks him pointblank, and even she can hear the agitation in her voice. When she finally gets him to admit the truth and tell her how he actually found it, she stops him from leaving again because she can't believe how much trouble he's been through to get this for her. All the effort that Ted actually went to in order to find her locket is heroic, as is selflessly giving it to Barney, who selfishly took credit. The whole thing makes her fiancé look extremely bad in comparison.

Barney lied to her about the locket so that she'd think _he_ is the caring and thoughtful one in this situation. It's like he was running a scheme on her….almost like a play to string the gullible woman along. And that knowledge sends her plunging into a complete breakdown. Because it feels like a betrayal this lie, and that's what really pushes her over the edge.

How can she _not_ be concerned? How can she not freak out over the fact that Barney could lie right to her face about this gesture that was obviously so important to her and then not even see why that's a problem? Her frazzled, tormented mind conjures up similar instances, like when he kept a copy of his _Playbook_ or the puppy incident when he also looked her right in the eyes and told a devastating lie with such meaning and with no difficulty at all. The evidence appears to be mounting against him and she can't help but wonder what it means for the rest of their relationship. What else will he continue to lie to her about?

Moreover, while Barney was busy trying to fool her and falsely pass off the gift of her locket as this great thing that he did for her when he really didn't do anything at all, _Ted_ is once again the one who came through for her, not Barney, just like that day in the park.

Profoundly disturbed, Robin stares down at the floor as that sinking realization tortures her. "…You always go big for me," she recognizes aloud. That's what this was yet again, Ted going big for her while Barney merely took the credit.

"Not as big as Barney," Ted refutes, bringing up her fiancé's rehearsal dinner surprise and his elaborate proposal.

But this one latest lie, such a _massive_ lie that Barney just told her, seems only to have proven her worst fears true. In the heat of the moment and coming from a place of irrationality and even a touch of anger at him for lying to her, it calls into question all the other things Barney has done for her. Because even the things Ted just listed, the two most loving examples he could think of, were all based around lies as well.

Her frenzied fear-filled mind tells her Barney is always relying on lies. All the big things he did for her to show her that he loved her, even _those_ he couldn't do without his lies.

If she were in her right mind she'd recognize that the very things in questions, his surprise Canadian rehearsal dinner and "The Robin", were things she actually quite _loved_. Even though they did require a few fibs along the way to make them happen, she loved his big gestures for her. But right in this moment she can't appreciate them at all as she's viewing them strictly through the mindset of frustration and disappointment and apprehension over Barney's recent lie to her – as well as a continued mental state of complete illogicality and panic – and it's causing her to see everything as tainted in its light.

Ted tries to point out to her that the locket lie that set all of this off was _his_ idea and his fault – he _told_ Barney to do it – but she's too far gone into freaking out to truly hear it. All rationality has shut off at this point and Robin can only see that Barney thought nothing of lying to her.

"Which he did without blinking an eye, because lying is second nature to Barney. Everything's legendary." She thinks about all the stories he's fabricated over the years, about this night and that event being legendary when in fact he'd made it all up and none of it ever happened. She thinks about how she gloried in his state of truth serum drunkenness because it guaranteed she'd finally get one hundred percent real truth from him. And that's just it; all of the legendary-ness he puts on, it's all bogus. "Well you know what legendary means? Not real." At least it seems that way right now.

In this state of mental disarray, his lies to her about her locket – so easily done with no remorse and no qualms at all – are causing her to doubt the sincerity of _everything_: how much Barney loves her, how devoted he actually is to her, what he would do for her and if he'll be there for her when it really counts.

What if he lies to her throughout their whole marriage the way her father used to lie to her mother? She's heard enough of the stories in her mom's rants over the years to know about all the lies her father told and the many ways he disrespected her. Well Barney lying right to her face the way he'd just done _did_ show a certain lack of respect, trying to fool her into thinking he'd done something amazing for her and made this special effort for her when it was actually Ted who'd gone out of his way for her.

And the thing is, a locket is just a locket. But it's the principle of it. Barney didn't come through for her yet again, and then to make matters worse he lied about it. Yes, it may have been unfair hoping that he would somehow magically find her locket for her, but he let her down in the first place that day in the park by putting his interests of the moment above her needs. Even though she never technically asked him to, she wanted him to come running simply because it was _her_. If he had somehow found her locket it would have erased all that and proven that he is there for her and he will come through for her against _all_ the odds – because the odds for Barney Stinson state there is very little chance he's going to be a model husband.

….But Ted would be. She's always known that. Everything about Ted screams that he's "husband material". The whole world says so. And maybe it _wasn't_ so unfair to expect someone to magically find her locket for her, because Ted did just that.

And that dismaying realization starts a serious downward spiral. "Maybe I'm making a mistake," Robin expresses with such dread and heartache in her voice.

"Wait, what – what are you saying?" Ted asks.

The horrible thought that's occurred to her, she doesn't want it to be true. So _much_ she doesn't want it to be true. She can't bear the idea and can scarcely even get the words out she's so close to open sobbing. "…..Maybe I should be marrying you."

It isn't that she wants Ted in the slightest, but she's fallen into that same trap of convention, her longstanding head versus heart debate. It's been that way all of her life. Her heart wanted to be feminine and free and sometimes even girly, but her head told her she had to be tough and disciplined and tomboyish or she'd disappoint her father. Her heart wanted to take risks and reach for her dreams, be it as Robin Sparkles or as a famous journalist in the United States, but her head always weighed out the odds of her failure and subsequent pain. Once she did move to the states and entered their little group in the city, her heart has kept wanting only one thing – Barney, and that kind of head-over-heels insane love she'll only ever have with him – but her head is still telling her it's a bad idea, there's no logic in it, all reasons stands against it, and she should just settle down with someone less alarming and more Teddish.

And now that the old debate has been reinvigorated at the worst possible time, her panic attack comes on swiftly.

Robin can actually feel herself fully losing it. She feels it happening and somewhere deep inside she knows she's acting crazy but it's got her in its grip and she's caught up in it, the crazy overtaking her and making her question one final time if she ought to be marrying a guy like Ted or even Ted himself, someone who is traditional and safe and perfect on paper.

As the seconds tick by her panic overtakes her. It feels like she's drowning in her own terror and her mind fixates on that one point, the only rock she can see in these stormy emotional waters. _Ted is safe. Ted can't touch your heart. You should be with Ted. If you run away with Ted you won't have to face this fear._

Deep down Robin knows even as she's saying it that she doesn't really mean it and she'd never actually be able to go through with it even if Ted agreed. She _knows_ she's being idiotic and talking insanely right now. She's even reduced to making jokes about the Blackhawks to try and cover up that fact.

All she really needs is something to cling to. Her desire to marry Barney is _very_ strong and real, but so is her fear. Telling Ted that maybe she should marry him, that they should run away and start a new life together, is her completely irrational equivalent of saying 'Let's go rob a bank and it will solve all my problems'. It's the sort of extreme and outrageous thing you'd never actually do in a million years and you don't actually _want_ to do, but you say it anyway because you _need_ your friend to tell you how crazy that is and talk you around to being sensible again.

"Stop," Ted replies. "You're just saying this because you're scared."

Robin turns on him with wide eyes. What he said may be true – okay, it _is_ true – but she can't even begin to process that because that's not giving her any concrete reason to hold onto. It's just like telling her to 'Get over it', and she can't. She feels her breath growing tighter, her lungs squeezing in her chest as everything begins to narrow in on her. She can't breathe. It feels like she's going to jump out of her skin. It honestly feels like she might lose her mind.

She's already out of her head, with everything she thought she knew up in the air now. She wouldn't be saying or thinking any of these things in her normal state of mind, but right now she's far from that. Right now she's in the midst of the worst panic attack of her life.

And in her fear, all of the irrational things she would have ordinarily dismissed just a few minutes ago suddenly seem like they might actually be _horrifyingly_ real and true.

It's not about Ted or having any feelings for Ted. Even in her unreasonable and nonsensical state of mind she never once questions that. It's just the _idea_of Ted and all the guys like him that she's dated over the years, the ones her head has always thought she _should_ be with because that's what convention and the world have repeatedly told her.

It's just like Ted's famous blue French horn. In the beginning she found the smurf penis joke – that she since learned was actually Barney's joke – charming, and no one had ever gone so far as to steal something _for her_, so naturally it was flattering. But then Ted kept on with it and it became 'I love you' on the first date, and repeated parties, and an entire blue orchestra. His smothering attentions were overkill, excessive, suffocating, and not appealing to her at all. Until she had to take one of her dogs in to see the vet. It was the veterinarian telling her that she _should_ love that and she _should_ want to be with a guy who would go to all that effort and do things like that for her that ultimately convinced her to try dating Ted in the first place.

She's never forgotten that moment, and in case she ever did countless other people have drilled it home – hell, even society as a whole has indoctrinated her with that principle. It's what every movie, every book, every TV show tells you. They all have the same message: blue French horns and overbearing, unsolicited public displays and gestures, that's the kind of stuff women dream of – _normal_ women at least – and you should want a guy like _that_, not a guy like Barney, if you want any hope of ever having a normal, happy life. Because that's the kind of stuff that proves a man will be a perfect husband and toe the line and be safe and dependable and never let you down.

Ted has always been that; he's the very definition of safe. But _no one_ would describe Barney as safe. That's why she's always been scared of being with him because with Barney there's this big question mark. Reason dictates she should be with a traditional guy like Ted. A guy like that, who will go to all that trouble of stealing you a blue French horn and flying across the country trying to find your locket, you don't have to worry about a guy like that. A guy like that isn't _ever_ going anywhere.

And a guy who comes through for you that way and does the impossible and brings you your locket the way that Ted did….that should mean he "wins"….right? Doesn't it mean she should be marrying a guy like that, a guy who will never let her down or hurt her?

Robin feels herself starting to hyperventilate. Even as she's expressing all this to Ted, asking him to look her in the eye and tell her why she shouldn't be with that guy, she really does just want him to tell her _why_. She desperately wants him to talk her out of it, to give her a convincing reason why she's being ridiculous and all the things she said are just plain stupid and not so. And then she can marry Barney, and the world will be right again.

Because she just can't quiet these fears on her own. She _has_ to tell someone so that person can be rational and reasonable _for_ her, tell her she's just being crazy and talk some sense into her so everything will feel better and _right_ and sane and she can go on again. She just needs Ted to provide her with a believable validation she can hang onto and know that it's going to be okay to go out there, walk down the aisle, and marry Barney and it will all work out happily.

What Ted does is remove Robin's ability to have an easy out. He tells her the truth – that he's realized he honestly doesn't feel that way about her anymore – and in doing so he eliminates her chance to dodge it all and escape facing her fears by running off with him. But beyond that, he fails to provide her with that reason to cling to for why marrying _Barney_ is safe and okay.

"You don't love me. You love Barney," is what he tells her. And it's true. It would be so much more convenient if it wasn't true. Then everything would be in order. Everything would make sense. Everything would be following reason and logic and shrewd wisdom, just like her mother always told her to do.

But she doesn't love Ted. She _loves_ Barney. That's something she knows is true, _profoundly_ true. It's just inherently true in her heart and it always will be.

Yet even that isn't a help to her right now because that's already the one thing she never denied or wavered in. That's the one point she doesn't need convincing on. It's _everything else_ that seems to defy reason.

"I – I can't shake it," she declares in exasperation. She's trying. Robin's _really_, really trying. But she can't get out from under this fear. "I – I – I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense," she tells Ted with tears in her voice and her eyes.

That's always been the problem for her. Because on the surface the very idea of her and Barney, of the two of them together – two people like _them_ together – it doesn't make sense. She urgently wants Ted to tell her otherwise, but he can't.

Instead he argues, "But love _doesn't_ make sense. I mean you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and – and – and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the _best_ thing we do."

Robin's weeping uncontrollably now, the tears irrepressibly streaming from her eyes. She's utterly miserable, on the edge of hysteria even. She hears what Ted is saying and she wants to believe it, wants to trust that it's okay to trust in love, but that goes against everything she's always been taught – by her parents and by life itself. It goes against what has for so long been her every instinct: to _not_ trust love and _not_ trust her heart, and to run like hell when feelings and the chance of getting hurt are involved.

"I know that sounds cheesy," Ted continues, "but it's just true. You love Barney, and he loves you."

Robin looks down at the locket in her hand and really thinks about that, tries to let it soak in. She _does_ love Barney, more than she's ever loved anyone or anything, more than she ever will, more than she even knew was possible.

"And that doesn't have to make sense to make sense," Ted earnestly conveys.

She desperately _wants_ that to be so – and she certainly understands the 'love doesn't make sense' part of it. But what if Ted is wrong? What if love in itself just isn't enough to make this work for her and Barney? It wasn't the last time. And that was just a relationship, not even a marriage.

Ted asks her if she's okay, and she's not okay. Definitely _not_ okay. But Ted's not an option to run to anymore. She gets that, and that's alright. She doesn't need him. She didn't even want _him_. She just needed to run away.

She _still_ needs to run away…..And she can do it alone.

Fight or flight mode has kicked in, and with her locket still in hand Robin grabs the key and locks Ted in her room to prevent him from coming after her. Then she takes off in a blind panic. She doesn't even know where she's going. She just has to get away.

Right now.

She has to get away to someplace that's not a church where she's supposed to be getting married downstairs in nineteen minutes.

* * *

><p>For the past three minutes Barney has wandered through the church working on his vows, but he still hasn't been able to piece together anything that feels right. Finally he decides to go into the chapel itself, and when he does he comes upon a sight he wasn't expecting: Marshall and Lily standing at the altar where he and Robin will soon be standing, restating updated vows to each other. These vows aren't profound and lyrical this time – quite the opposite – but they <em>are<em> real and true and meaningful just the same.

And that's when Barney realizes that although Lily and Marshall broke nearly every one of their vows it's not because they're a bad couple, or because that level of devotion is simply unattainable. The reason they broke them is because vows don't need to be – perhaps outright _shouldn't_ be – beautiful and poetic when life itself isn't always beautiful and poetic. Life is messy and complicated at times, and love can be too. That's what makes wedding vows actually rather impractical because a marriage is a living, breathing thing. Any kind of promises or vows in that marriage will need to be ever adjustable just like the people who make them.

In fact, Marshall and Lily are proof that wedding vows aren't even necessary at all. They broke almost all of theirs and yet their marriage is still solid and strong and they remain the most picture-perfect and functional couple he's ever known.

Barney watches them kiss at the conclusion of their new and improved vows and he can see that despite the huge fight they just had they're still so obviously in love. Their marriage is the best example he's ever borne witness to.

…And come to think of it, they only had that huge fight because Marshall wasn't honest with Lily…..And the other huge fight they had in their marriage, when he and Robin were afraid they'd gotten a divorce, that too was because Lily hadn't been honest with Marshall about her credit card debt and shopping addiction.

The epiphany hits Barney all at once: _honesty. _Pretty vows are lovely, and it's wonderful if you can keep them all. And, yes, there are other important things that go without saying – things like communication, and loving each other, thoughtfulness and caring, and so forth – but when it comes down to it honesty is the vital component to having a successful marriage.

It's what he and Robin need too. _That_ is what he has to vow to her. All the rest of those lyrical, Lionel Richie style vows are just surface things and often not very true to life. What a marriage really amounts to is living together and loving each other, making a life together on a day-to-day basis. And in that there's only one vow that matters: always be honest with each other.

Love and honesty are the only things necessary to have a lasting marriage. The first time around they had love, but they still had a long way to go on the honesty front. They weren't honest and open with each other about their feelings, or about their wants and needs, and that ultimately led to their relationship falling apart. To prevent that from happening this time around, to guarantee their marriage grows and thrives, they have the deep and abiding love; all they have to do now is be honest with each other at all times.

They're already most of the way there. But honesty 99% of the time won't do. That's what happened with Marshall and Lily, and that 1% of dishonesty led to the biggest crisis of their marriage. That's why the only thing he needs to vow to Robin is honesty _100%_ of the time, without fail and with no exceptions.

Unfortunately while he's just realized that, only minutes ago he'd also just lied to Robin about her locket.

He has to go and find her and tell her the realization he's had – and he has to tell her the truth about her locket.

He could wait and tell her all this during the ceremony the way you're supposed to. He does want to do this wedding stuff right, after all, and no one says their vows beforehand. But he feels genuinely bad about lying to her. He never wanted to in the first place and now that he's realized the utmost importance of honesty at all time, that honesty itself is the one and only vow needed in a marriage, he can't let theirs start out having just told her a lie. He needs to clear this up with her and fix this, let her know that any kind of lying or dishonesty or even evasions of the truth that all stops _now_.

While Lily and Marshall are still kissing, Barney silently walks out of the chapel, a man with a purpose. He's heading towards the staircase when he happens to look out the window and sees Robin bolting across the lawn back towards the Farhampton Inn.

He instantly pieces it together. She's running scared like he almost had.

Barney immediately adjusts course to go after her. He's not going to pressure her. He's just going to make this one vow to her now, and after that the choice has to be hers.

But he believes in their love enough that he _knows_ she'll come to her senses just like he had.

* * *

><p>In her dash across the church's lawn, Robin knew she could have hopped into someone's car. She even saw Ranjitt. She could have easily climbed into the limo and asked him to take her away. But she ran across the street to the hotel instead, thinking to go up to their room or perhaps just out to the beach, subconsciously knowing full well that those are both places she'll be found fairly quickly, whereas having Ranjitt take her back to the city would have ended this wedding here and now.<p>

But she didn't escape, because she doesn't actually want to run away. She isn't sure what she should do. She just needs to try and think for a minute.

When Robin sees their reception tent it just feels right. She's drawn in and her feet automatically take her there. Pausing just inside the tent to take her shoes off, she gathers her skirt up higher since she's been tripping over it, and she's so preoccupied looking back through the window to make sure Ted isn't coming after her that she runs directly into a woman, knocking them both to the ground.

Robin apologizes to the poor woman and helps her up, making sure she's okay. The woman responds in kind, asking Robin if she's okay too, which Robin assures her she is. But then the woman asks her if she's _sure_, being as how sprinting from a church in a wedding dress doesn't seem very okay.

Now is another chance for Robin to run away and keep on running. Lie and say she's fine, or not say anything at all, just take off. But she stays anyway, knowing that every second that passes increases the odds of Ted finding her. She stays and she confides her intimate and private innermost feelings to a perfect stranger – something _extremely_ unlike her to ever do.

"Um, to be honest I'm – I'm wondering if this whole getting married thing is something I can go through with." She only phrases it as 'wondering', not that she's sure or that she's already decided it's a mistake and she wants out. But even then, just admitting that much out loud a second time has Robin beginning to hyperventilate again.

Because the truth is she doesn't want to call it off. She couldn't possibly want anything less. She's simply still looking for someone – _anyone_, even this perfect stranger – to talk her out of being a runaway bride and get her to a place of reassurance where she's calm and it makes sense to be marrying Barney. She just desperately wants someone to straighten her out and give her convincing peace of mind so she can go back and marry Barney like she wants to do.

But when the stranger only replies "Oh" and "Wow", Robin feels her heart sink in disappointment. "That's it?" she asks disbelievingly. _No, that can't be it_! She needs more than that. "…..Aren't you supposed to talk me out of it?" _**Please**__, talk me out of it_. "Tell me it's just cold feet? I'm – I'm being crazy?" she nods, adding another silent plea to this woman to offer her some help here.

However the stranger's lone response is to point out, "I don't really know you."

Robin blinks. Of course that's true. They don't even know each other at all so how can this woman possibly give her sound marital advice? How could she expect that or even ask that of her? It just shows how crazy she _is_ being to suggest it.

But she really does need someone's help right now, someone's guidance – or even someone to tell her straight-out what to do.

Her whole life she's been torn between what she wants and what she should do. For the past sixteen years, what she should do has won out over what she wants, again and again. She _finally_ broke that cycle for good and did just the opposite – definitively choosing heart over head and love over reason – by taking a chance with Barney and telling him 'yes' back in December. And her life has been amazing since making that choice. But in the back of her mind a part of her has been living in fear of the consequences of that risk of following her heart ever since.

"Here's all I'll say," the stranger offers. "When I'm overwhelmed, I force myself to do one simple thing before I make a decision." The woman moves closer, placing both hands on her shoulders, and Robin awaits for some big wisdom of life to be handed down. "Close my eyes and take three deep breaths."

Once again Robin's rocked with disappointment. Only this time it's mixed with a heavy dose of cynicism that, not surprisingly, she gets no benefit of deep meaningful life wisdom, not for _her_ life. She just gets a lot of useless hogwash like 'take three deep breaths'.

"Sometimes even three deep breathes can change everything," the stranger avows.

That seems silly to Robin, stupid, but this nice woman appears to genuinely believe it. And what does she have to lose at this point? So with a slight smile of thanks she turns away to give this whole breathing thing a shot.

The stranger told her to take three clarifying breaths before making her final decision and Robin takes that seriously, putting on the frame of mind to try to stop being so overwhelmed and just _really_ think back on the whole of her relationship with Barney, what she knows about him, and herself, and the two of them together. Closing her eyes, she exhales the longest, heaviest sigh of her life and starts to take her first calming breath with the idea to pull from their past – all of their moments, their entire history together – to find that thing to cling to she's been searching for.

And now that she's made the conscious effort to quiet her raging fear and pull herself from this panic attack for even just a few seconds her heart screams out, telling her that Barney may have fallen short today but he _has_ done lovely things for her. Robin's mind latches on to that fact, drawing from it as she thinks back.

Years ago, Barney volunteered to go with her to give her dogs away; _Barney_, not Ted – and Ted was her boyfriend at the time, as well as the very reason she had to give away her dogs in the first place. Yet _Barney_ was the one who wanted to be there to support her. Barney was the one to dry the tears that embarrassed her when she said goodbye. Barney was there with no obligation to be and no ulterior motive. He was just there for _her_, because she needed someone.

When she came back from Argentina, Barney was the only one who recognized that she wasn't being her true self and tried to break her out of it. The same thing goes for her funk after Don dumped her. Both times he was the one there for her, helping return her to her senses and who she truly is inside.

Back when the gang was first discovering her Robin Sparkles history when Ted guessed she'd been married instead and she revealed to him in confidence that it was "true", Ted went and immediately told everyone else, heedless of her feelings, while Barney was the one promising not to show the others the rest of her video he'd unearthed because _he_ cared for her feelings and wanted to protect her dignity.

Barney was the one, the _only_ one, she'd let herself fall apart to after Simon dumped her that second time. Barney held her, made her laugh, complimented her, did and said all the right things with a sweetness and gentleness the others would have never guessed he even possessed. And all of that sensitivity and warm compassion was just for her, just to comfort her and make her feel better, with no thought of getting anything in return. He was certainly there for her that night. She was able to fully rely on him for comfort and support. She'd never felt so safe in her life as she did that night crying on his shoulder at MacLaren's.

In fact the "Sandcastles" incident was such a prominent moment for them it caused her to invite him back to her place _because_ she was so touched at how immensely he'd been there for her – and that led her to finally give in to their attraction and sleep with him that night. It was such a special moment for the both of them and their relationship to come that's why she chose that song to walk down the aisle to.

She wonders now how in her earlier rant about the most loving things Barney's ever done for her she hadn't considered that moment – and so many other moments like it that are an integral part of their history.

Like the moments that would come in the days to follow their first time sleeping together when Barney took all the blame, never once telling the others that _she_ had kissed him, just letting them think she'd been seduced by the big bad wolf if that's what it took to protect the privacy of a moment that should have been only between them. He even got ousted from the group and temporarily lost Ted's friendship because of it.

And Barney was there for her too a few months later, convincing her to try for the network job she wanted because she was anything but a joke, believing in her when she'd already given up on herself – which is par for the course as he's the only one who has always believed in and supported her career.

He worked tirelessly – staying up all night to finish her video resume on his own when she'd lost hope and quit – to secure her the job at _Come On, Get Up New York!_. It's because of Barney and _his_ care and support and endless belief in her that she's even able to be in this country right now. He was definitely there for her. He went above and beyond for her.

Barney bent over backwards trying to learn to be a good boyfriend to her at a time when he was still too emotionally damaged for that to even be entirely possible, but he was willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy.

He brought her back from Canada when she was in the midst of a drunken identity crisis and even got beat up but good defending her and deriding all others in that coffee shop for not seeing how awesome she is. And all of that was completely spontaneous. It wasn't a matter of 'ask and he'll be there' like Ted that day in the park. She didn't even _have_ to ask Barney. He saw she was upset and he just jumped in to make it better for her. And he later went on to give her the Super Date for that very same reason. No one has ever done for her the kind of thoughtful and meaningful things that Barney has, things that aren't just superfluous and for show but actually carry profound value and significance and _feeling_.

She's already recalled it once but it bears repeating how when she'd given up and thought herself worthless and unlovable in the face of Don unceremoniously dumping her following her heartbreaking split from Barney, while the others ignored her breakdown Barney was there to challenge her and get her back up on her feet in the way that he knew would unfailingly work to bring back her spunk, her determination, and her confidence in herself.

And Barney got her the win when she needed it most during their Subway Wars. Ted, who she gave so much acclaim to earlier, wasn't even willing to let her win. Barney had to physically tackle his best bro to the street in order to be there for her and give her what she needed. But he did it, without question and without any notion of taking credit or even of her ever knowing that he'd done it – he _still_ won't own up to it to this day, still wanting her to feel like she got the win on her own merits, still thinking of her first and being there for her above all else.

When Ted made her doubt everything about herself and preyed on all those insecurities her father and then society created about never being good enough and always being inherently wrong, Barney stepped in to tell her she's amazing and strong and independent, and that all the things that Ted and the others derided are the very things he _loves_ about her.

Barney was responsible for reuniting her with Jessica. He used his contacts to hunt Jessica down, disguising it under the guise of trying to buy Glitter's costume – and she should have known right then since Barney was only ever interested in direct Robin Sparkles props and would have been after _her_ _Space Teens_ costume if he was really after souvenirs. Then he allowed Marshall and Lily to take credit for the reunion, because the only thing that mattered to Barney was knowing she needed to exorcise those demons to move on and wanting to fulfill that need for her in any way he could.

When she felt bad because even in a hurricane her dad couldn't be bothered to be concerned about her, Barney told her he was an idiot because a single day without talking to her rendered the entire day no good. He made her feel that at least to one man she mattered oh so much.

Barney was totally, one hundred percent there for her when he thought she was pregnant with their child. Rather than running out the door like he'd always done before, he was nothing but supportive of her every step of the way, wanting to go to the doctor with her and even being there to support her in the actual examine room.

When she was feeling bad because she thought he "erased" her so as not to upset Quinn, Barney put his pride aside and showed her his secret collection of them, no matter how it might embarrass him, because he wanted her to know that he did love her and she meant more to him than anything.

Barney was constantly there by her side giving her the encouragement and support to dump Nick when the others were just going to sit by and let her continue in a relationship with a man she couldn't even bear to talk. He even rushed into Splitsville offering to do the hard part _for_ her if she felt she couldn't do it herself.

All throughout "The Robin" that she'd earlier dismissed as built on lies, what Barney actually proved was how well he knows her, better than anyone else. And not just her habits and quirks. He knows her _heart_. He knew what she wanted, but he also knew she would be too afraid to ever reach for it if he didn't carefully orchestrate a situation to make her see how much she was risking and just exactly what she was throwing away by being too afraid to face and own what was in her heart.

And once they were back together, he showed what a great partner he'll be in the way he did everything humanly possible to win her father's approval. Not because they're alike but because that's what _she_ wanted. And eventually when her father simply wouldn't budge, he stood up to the man – something it took her thirty-two years to find the courage to do – telling him how wonderful his daughter is, what an idiot he's been, and making him go back and apologize to her and at least try to treat her properly from now on. That right there shows that Barney is nothing like her dad. Her father never lets emotions rule and guide him, while almost everything Barney does is motivated by emotion and feeling.

Barney beat up Alan Thicke when he thought the man might have taken advantage of her.

He blew up the last remaining copy of _The Playbook,_ even though she wasn't going to make him do it, just because he knew she was uncomfortable about it. For him that meant it _had_ to go, and he was determined to show her that part of his life is over and she is his only priority now.

He was ready and willing to sell his beloved apartment simply because he thought it would make her happy.

He told her right out that because of her he doesn't have to wait for it anymore. He needs nothing more in his life now because he has _her_ to make him believe in love.

And Barney was so supportive and so _intensely_ there for her, standing behind her one thousand percent, renouncing his entire family in her favor and telling them they're dead to him because _she_ is everything and will always come first to the point that they might as well not even exist for him such is her superiority and precedence in his life.

When Reverend Lowell was criticizing them and their story, Barney was the first to stand up in their defense because he loves everything about her and their journey to each other.

Barney encouraged her when she feared they might be too much the lone wolves, reassuring her that there is no problem they can't solve as long as they do so together. Again, she didn't have to ask him. He just naturally did it for her, jumping in whenever she had a need.

Ted was right before; Barney has been there for her _much_ more than Ted ever has. Barney's lied to her, yes, and lying about the locket was bad. But Ted admitted he told him to do it. It's like with Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir; Barney "lied out of love." And, regardless, all the lies in the world don't negate the fact that Barney _has_ come through for her plenty of times in plenty of amazing ways. He _has_ gone big for her, maybe not to the grand scale of flying all over the country but in ways that were just as necessary and important to her at the time. And all of that means way more than just a silly locket whose only importance lies in what _she's_ given it, not the universe.

Now that she's slowed down and gotten a hold of herself long enough to see things more clearly, Robin instantly recognizes that all of the things she said about Barney before weren't in any way true. She'd been irrational and her criticisms had been unwarranted.

He may have lied in "The Robin" but it was absolutely necessary. She knows herself and because of that she _knows_ how necessary Barney's extreme actions were. Anything less wouldn't have gotten through to her.

And he lied to create their brilliant and amazingly awesome rehearsal dinner, but it was all done simply to surprise her. How can she hold that against him? She did the same thing for the very same reason at his bro mitzvah. _She_ lied right to his face over something big and did it with meaning and feeling. That's the very same thing she just condemned him for with the locket.

She justified her lie because she did it for the greater good, for this surprise that she knew he'd love. She understood why she was doing it and therefore didn't see it as something wrong. But that's hypocritical. It can't be right for her but wrong for him. Granted, pathological lying _was_ in Barney's past personality, but she can't forever put his past on him in the here and now.

So Ted got her locket by desperate means? Why does that mean she owes him anything?….And maybe that's just it. Maybe it _wasn't_ so selfless after all. Based on what Ted said to her early this morning, maybe in those moments when he was "going big" to look for her locket all he was secretly doing was hoping it might change her mind.

And even if not, so what?

She knows _Barney_ would fly all over the country for her too to get her what she needed if he only knew what it had really stood for to her. She knows he would have. She doesn't doubt that at all. And besides, she shouldn't even be setting up 'tests' for him in her mind and judging him based on if he comes through.

Furthermore, what he did with both "The Robin" and their rehearsal dinner, that wasn't "not real" and it wasn't all built on lies and b.s. It was a stunning and beautiful demonstration of his love and appreciation for her.

Barney is _always_ doing that for her, accepting her and loving her and appreciating her in a way that none of the rest of the gang has, none of her family has – _no one_ has ever done. No one has ever loved her the way that Barney loves her. So what is she afraid of? Why be afraid to trust her heart and her future to a man like that? There isn't anyone else in this world who would do right by her the way that Barney does, over and over again selflessly putting _her_ needs and feelings first. So on one day he didn't come to the park – after she told him not to. What does that even amount to? Just _once_ Barney didn't come when she called. Just once in an entire eight year relationship with him, in the huge list of ways he _has_ been there for her like no one else ever did or will.

So he lied to her about the locket? That's not good, but she understands why he did it. Ted _told_ him to do it. He only wanted to calm her. He was only doing what he thought was right by her, what he thought was a _good_ thing. He just wanted to make her happy. That's the theme repeated again and again in _all_ of these things that she's remembered.

As she takes her second deep breath, Robin outwardly nods to herself at the inward realization she's made, at the_ ton_ of amazing and loving things Barney has done for her. Any of the tiny handful of allegedly "questionable" things are inconsequential in the grand scheme of their lives.

She's blown this whole thing way out of proportion. She _knows_ Barney, and she has been happy with him. It _has_ been real. The time since they got engaged has been the best five months of her life.

And all of her mom's supposed red flags that had her so spooked earlier they actually helped lead to her current panic attack, Robin can see now that they were all blown out of proportion too.

Barney was engaged to a stripper? Well, _she_ was briefly engaged to her therapist, despite not being in love with him – and she was only seeing a therapist because she was legally mandated to go after being arrested because of her out-of-control feelings for Barney. And she ended up cheating on said therapist _with_ Barney, so she's not exactly one to talk.

Barney used to run plays to get into women's pants? True, but that's all a thing of the past. "The Robin" was the last play he'll ever run, and he destroyed _The Playbook_ not once but _twice_ for her.

He's always taking his mother's side? Maybe at first, but once he realized how much it bothered her and how insensitive that was that's why he stopped and told them all in no uncertain terms that his loyalty lies firmly with her.

He never checks before making plans? They _both_ have been guilty of that – but not on purpose, just as an instinct after so many years spent independently. And they've since both agreed not to be those lone wolves anymore – and to prove as much they implemented a fantastically awesome No Questions Asked plan together. They're _amazing_ at working together. Their laser tag championships stand as ample evidence to that fact. They've always made a great team – as bros, as partners, as lovers, at making fun of Ted, at everything.

They had a huge fight right before their rehearsal dinner? Well that doesn't even count since the fight was staged and Barney knew that would be her reaction. It was all in the interest of her unforgettable surprise.

For nearly the first ten years she didn't know what he did for a living? Yes, but that was literally a state secret, and he kept it from her just to protect her.

He's slept with a bunch of women? That one's true, but he's done with that now; he even thinks one night stands are disgusting. And she hasn't exactly been a saint herself. Her list is far longer than most women's. The only important thing is that she knows above all no matter how many women Barney has bedded she was always more than just another number to him. And she _loves_ the fact that even after all those women _she_ was still so singular to him, the only one he ever madly loved and couldn't forget.

Forget the red flags. There _are_ no red flags. Her mother's cautions about her dad that Robin feared might apply to Barney too, they all amount to less than nothing.

So even though she has no idea that her fiancé has in fact now walked into the reception tent, still, by the time Robin opens her eyes she's already decided to go back and marry Barney.

It's scary, yes. But screw the odds. The odds don't know her, and they don't know Barney. The odds would have had them never even falling in love to begin with. But even before they were officially together, and after, and since they've been engaged, and in all the years in between, there have been _thousands_ of ways he's made her feel so special and so loved, thousands of ways he's let her know that she is the only thing in the world that truly matters to him. She doesn't need him to find some silly locket to show her that.

Of course Barney has been and _will_ be there for her.

And as Robin takes her third breath, she turns…and sees that Barney is standing with her in the tent – _already_ there for her – the answer she needed all along.

Taken aback, she blinks just to make sure he's real. "_Barney_?"

* * *

><p><em>I have died every day waiting for you<em>

_Darling, don't be afraid_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

* * *

><p>Barney had walked into the tent just as Robin was turning and closing her eyes, clutching her locket in her hand along with her heels. He didn't say anything at first, didn't interrupt her. He just stood there watching her take deep breaths, trying to calm herself and clearly crying.<p>

He could see Robin was panicking; he knows that's why she left. Nevertheless, he waited for her to open her eyes on her own, and now that she has he has no intention of pushing and prodding. Robin's always needed to come to these emotional things in her own time. She'll share when she feels comfortable to share, and it's his job to make her feel that way.

"Hey. I've been looking for you. You okay?" he asks. There's nervousness in his tone because right now he's a little afraid of what she might share, but he remains upbeat and supportive.

Robin realizes this is the moment of truth. If she wants to take an out, now would be the time to admit she has _not_ been okay, confess the issues she's been having, and tell him she doesn't think she can go through with marrying him. Barney's right here in front of her. If she's going to actually call off their wedding now is the moment to say so.

But she doesn't need that option anymore. She'd already reached her decision to go through with the wedding, and simply seeing Barney again now feels so right her heart knows indisputably that by his side, marrying him, is exactly the place she's meant to be despite the fears she's had.

Her only thought now is to lie and cover up her actions so he won't even have to know what she'd been considering, and she does so as quickly as possible, swiftly changing the subject afterwards to ask him what he's holding. When he answers "my vows", Robin blinks again as she's hit with a wave of shame looking down at the large stack of papers in his hand. Here she's been panicking, literally out of her mind wondering if she can go through with the wedding, and Barney's been pouring over his vows to hers.

"I – I know it's bad luck to see the bride right before the ceremony," Barney starts out, holding up his hand to let her know right away that he's not being careless about doing their wedding right. He understands the breach in etiquette he's making but it's absolutely necessary because he _has_ to tell her the important conclusion he's come to.

When Barney says he's realized something, Robin's eyes widen and she looks up to him in alarm, suddenly wondering if _he's_ having jitters and a 'serious crisis' of his own. But she waits him out, listening breathlessly to what he has to say.

"Marshall and Lily have broken most of their wedding vows, but they're still the best couple I know. I think their biggest problem was that Marshall didn't tell Lily the truth. So…." He looks down to the huge booklet of vows he's been holding and unceremoniously discards them, throwing them down onto the stage beside them. Never taking his eyes off Robin from that point on, Barney slowly approaches her. "I've decided to make only one vow to you, because it's the only one that really counts. Robin Scherbatsky…" he begins, and she looks at him, open and vulnerable, unsure of what he's going to vow but ready to hang on to his words and his promise like a lifeline. ".…From this day forward, I am always going to be honest with you."

A little sigh of relief escapes Robin. That's just _exactly_ the declaration she needed to hear right now. She presses her lips together, feeling the sting at the bridge of her nose that speaks of oncoming tears. But she can't help it, she's so moved. Barney has gone from: 'I lie; that's what I do and you know that' back when she discovered he still had a copy of _The Playbook_, to: 'I'm going to lie, but only in the interest of a great surprise for you' at their rehearsal dinner, and now all the way to: 'I'm _always_ going to be honest with you'. It's tremendous progress, and the very thing she needed to cling to.

"Cause I love you," Barney finishes.

Her trembling lips form a smile and Robin blinks back the tears that are now flooding her eyes. She _needed_ to know he's committed to that honesty on a core level, needed to know that underneath all the chemistry and attraction and the fun and the love their marriage will also have a steady foundation of stability and reliability.

Barney isn't perfect but he _has_ tried and changed and evolved so much for her, and the man he is now isn't something to be afraid of at all. This isn't a guy who's going to put her second. This is a man who will be there for her and always do right by her. And he isn't clueless about this either. He _does_ understand the importance of honesty, and he values it right along with her.

But his "I love you" may be the thing she needed to hear from him most of all, just that simple reaffirmation of his love after all the doubting she's fallen into in the past few minutes. She needed to know and hear it fromhim one more time that he loves her above all else. That's the reason his only vow can be truly, wholeheartedly believed. Because love and honesty go hand-in-hand. It's easy for someone to say they'll always be honest, but she can believe him and know that it's true, know that he means it, _because_ of his declaration of love.

Robin finally appreciates in that moment that even though Barney may seem like a bad risk, because he loves her so very much she knows he actually isn't a risk at all. Marriage in general may be a risk, but Barney isn't. He'll be there for her and treat her right – and she'll be there for him too – because if you're loving with everything you've got then all the rest will fall into place. You _will_ be honest, you _will_ be there for each other, because of that deep love you share.

And they already have that in spades.

A long time ago, not too long after she first met the gang, she had a boyfriend-of-the-week who dumped her because she couldn't be his Gretel, because she wouldn't share herself or be stupid and silly and crazy in love with him. Mike told her she was too in love with being on her own. She liked doing her own crosswords, and sleeping in her own bed, and she'd never speak of 'us' or 'we', only ever saw herself as an 'I'. But with Barney, from very early on, it's been the exact opposite. And here's the miraculous part: it's been that way without even trying. It all just came naturally with him. With Barney they now do the crosswords together as a team – and she actually _wants_ to share things with him, herself most of all. Forget 'we' or 'us'; she now thinks and speaks of Barney as her _soul mate_. She knows that he is, as surely as she knows she'll take her next breath. That's what Barney once said, that they couldn't stop loving each other any more than they could stop breathing. And _that_ is loving with everything they've got. They already found that with each other and now that they have this vow of honesty, that's everything they'll ever need.

Barney softly returns Robin's smile. "I'll see you up there," he tells her, turning to leave. He doesn't try to beg or force her back to the church the way he knows someone like Ted would do. He simply knows now that he's said all that needs to be said and he has enough faith in Robin and in their love for each other that the vow he just made will be enough for her, that she'll be okay now and meet him up at the altar because she loves him just as much as he loves her.

Mention of 'up there' has Robin's nerves momentarily pinging through her again. She nods because she has ever intention to go back and marry him, but she sighs because it's still a little scary nonetheless.

And then Barney suddenly remembers the important point that nearly slipped his mind, that last bit of air that needs to be cleared before they can get married. Looking her straight in the eye and holding her gaze steadily, he tells her the absolute truth now, uncomfortable as it is. "Ted got that locket for you." Barney's lips quirk to the side, not liking this truth, wishing it were different, but this _is_ the truth and it needs to be told. "_He's_ the one you should thank." He nods glumly, disappointed and regretful that it wasn't in fact him.

Robin just stares at Barney for a second, too astonished to react. He vowed honesty from this moment forward and that alone was enough, but now he's actually going back and clearing up the lie he _previously_ told. Knowing that brings her to the point of utter and absolute clarity.

Thinking back on their history just a few moments ago made her realize that Barney has already proven to be husband material, and now with him coming clean about the locket when she didn't expect it – when he didn't even have to do it – that's the icing on the cake that solidifies it all. Barney is _unquestionably_ the right guy, the one who will be there and come through for her all of the time and in every way she needs. He was never trying to run some scheme on her like she questioned before.

And in that moment – hearing Barney tell that absolute truth, coming to that point of utter clarity – Robin deeply feels just how grossly _wrong_ she'd been back at the church.

She'd been a panicked fool, saying those contemptible, unfounded, and unreasonable things. She was unacceptably unfair to him, not giving him enough credit or having half the faith in him that he deserved. Not only does she love him but he _is_ the kind of guy she should be marrying, and she's absolutely making the right choice to marry him.

The thing about Barney is when you take into account his entire past he is scary – as a _concept_. But the past, neither one of theirs, should come into it at all because that was then and this is now.

Here and now, she _finally_ only sees the man and not the concept. And what she sees and knows and recognizes and appreciates are all the things he's done for her, the gentle tenderness in the many ways he's loved her. And she _does_ feel safe with him, trusting her heart to him – more safe and more content and more at home than she's ever felt.

Barney turns and starts to head out of the tent and Robin immediately goes after him, ready and willing to follow him anywhere. "Barney, wait." She runs to him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him soundly.

Cupping the back of his head with one hand, Robin moves her free arm around his back to pull him even closer to her. When Barney brings both his hands up to her waist to cradle her against him she instinctively deepens the kiss, shifting her arm down to wrap around his shoulders, wanting more.

Barney gently breaks their kiss a moment later to smile down at her and Robin looks up into his eyes, tearfully whispering, "I love you too." Barney's smile widens at that and he kisses her tenderly one more time before gathering her to him and drawing her into a warm, full, lingering hug.

His only thought is to comfort and soothe her. He understands her fears and he just wants to make it all better for her. As he holds her lovingly, he knows that she's been scared – and that's okay. He's been scared too. This is a big deal, forever. But they can be nervous _together_, going into this hand-in-hand, knowing that the things that scare you are always the most worthwhile.

Robin just clings to him with her check pressed against his. She's been through such anguish fearing that she couldn't marry him, fearing that it wouldn't last. But now she's finally at peace again knowing she was wrong, knowing that she _does_ get to keep him. She _never_ has to lose this. It's like those firsts few minutes up on the rooftop after they got engaged, just basking in the peace of knowing they get to always have each other from now on and nothing can ever take that away.

It's been a tough half an hour and a _crazy_ eight minutes, but now she can rest easy. Now she simply lets it wash over her, this feeling of rightness and of deep and utter love, knowing this is exactly where she belongs – where she's belonged all of her life.

Her mother's words float through her mind: _You're filled with this mortal dread, but if you find someone you feel safe with it's like flying_. Robin understands what she meant now. She meant that marriage is scary but it's the best kind of scary because, like flying, even though the very act means taking a risk you _have_ to take risks to get the most exhilarating rewards.

And held fast, gently rocked in Barney's arms it doesn't feel like a risk at all.

She doesn't know what she was thinking back at the church. Obviously she wasn't thinking straight at all. She was so caught up in the idea of who was more safe and dependable, but 'safe and dependable' is the description of a truck not a person. In her fear she was single-mindedly consumed with avoiding the sort of husband her dad was so that _her_ marriage will have the opposite result. She kept thinking it would be safer if Barney was more conventional and had less in common with her dad. But now that she's gotten it together again, it's unmistakably clear that Barney already _is_ all of the conventional things that count. He's monogamous, loving, supportive, concerned about her feelings over his own, and now 100% honest.

Why couldn't she recognize any of that before? She was blinded by panic, but that alone isn't an excuse. The panic had to start somewhere. Robin thinks the problem is that sometimes she was still seeing Barney as he was before and letting that frighten her. But he isn't the same person he was when they first met, or even the same person he was back when they first dated four years ago. He's the same in all the _best_ ways, the ways that make him uniquely him and why she fell in love with him, but he's changed in all the other ways that matter. And so has she.

There's this quirky 90s romantic comedy that Ted and Lily love and as a result the rest of the group has been forced to endure a time or two on movie night. She and Barney hate the film and find it incredibly cheesy. Yet there's one quote in the movie that's always stuck out for her because it appeals to that closeted romantic fourteen year old still secretly locked inside condemning everything her adult self lived by, with building up walls and running from feelings and always needing to be in control of her emotions. The line says, _Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them. _And it turns out that was the answer to her head versus heart debate all along.

Barney still isn't perfect; he never will be. But perfect would be boring. Perfect never set her heart aflutter. Only he ever has. And perfect wouldn't understand or appreciate _her_. Perfect would want to change her, because she's far from perfect herself and never will be.

She doesn't want or need perfect. She just needed to know one final, definitive time that it's okay to trust her heart to Barney. She doesn't need a locket from him. Barney came through for her simply by showing up just now, and that's way better than a silly locket buried by a girl who was on the right track but didn't even yet understand real love.

What Barney's shown her just now is that he gets it. He recognizes the importance of complete honesty between them _and_ he just proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he'll make good on it. It's not just lip service. He truly believes it and means it and wants them to live that way. And he respects her enough to admit it when he didn't quite live up to that ideal.

And the thing is, _she_ hasn't lived up to that ideal either. She lied to him about why she's out here. She didn't tell him the truth about the locket and what that symbolized for her. She even downplayed and lied about how important it was that he come to the park. Barney told her the truth and he deserves to hear it too. But she didn't offer him honesty. When she was having all those concerns and fears she should have called for _him_. She should have talked to him about it. But she just bolted from the church instead. She chickened out and fell back on her first instinct of running away from her fears, running scared whenever anything becomes complicated or uncertain.

She's _always_ had a tendency to settle for the path of least resistance and take the easy way – like on the night before she moved to New York; like she did time and again with _Metro News 1_; like she tried to do with the lotto girl job and later picking the coin flip bimbo position over WWN; like the way she stayed with Kevin; like how after that breakup she almost contemplated trying with Ted simply because she'd given up; even like the way she nearly didn't go up to the roof when she thought Barney was going to propose to Patrice, just like she didn't say anything when he actually proposed to Quinn.

Why does she keep doing this? Running from anything difficult and just giving up on what she wants rather than taking a chance at it and risking she might fail and get hurt?

And why did she even allow all of this with Barney to become complicated and uncertain in her mind when now it all seems so obvious and straightforward and easy? She got so crazy over the Central Park incident, and the whole idea of Barney finding her locket, and then freaked out over him lying about. She let what should have been relatively small things tie her up in knots and cause her to this time _literally_ run away. On the surface it makes it seem like she's some kind of diva who expects to be worshiped by Barney, but that isn't what she wants at all.

As he continues to hold her tenderly, the real underlying reason she got this way hits her like a ton of bricks and she knows instantly that it's true. The issue, the fear with Barney has always been that she loves him so intensely, just so much, that sometimes she can't believe _he_ could actually love her that much back, that she could continue to be _his_ number one priority and focus. Yeah, she's got a slammin' hot body, but on the inside she's long been such a mess that sometimes it's still so hard for her to believe that a guy like Barney with awesomeness at his core, who could literally have anyone – and practically has – could continue to feel such love and devotion to _her_ of all people. It seemed too good to be true, too good to count on and expect it to last. So with Barney's every tiny slipup and failure to meet perfection she went right back to questioning the security of their relationship and wondering 'Is this the proof that it's all going to fall apart?' and 'Is this the evidence that he isn't going to be there for me or love me enough?'.

But that's not a failing in him. Barney's done nothing wrong. This is her own issue – and insecurity in herself is the basis of it. That's no shortcoming of his; it's a shortcoming of _hers_. Robin can now admit to herself that this is a crippling habit she's had her entire life, and it's one that she _has_ to break if she's ever going to let herself be permanently happy.

She has to fight for the things that matter and believe that she is worthy of them. She has to be brave and trust her heart and go after the things she really wants, the things that are right for _her_, no matter what anyone else says. She's got to take those leaps even though they might not always be the simplest thing, even when it might mean taking a risk – and, yes, even if it doesn't make perfect logical sense.

She once said she'd need to Ted to get her down the aisle when she started freaking out, but Ted has proven pretty useless in all this. Finding the courage to break this cycle, it has to come from _herself_ not from anyone else.

And with just fourteen minutes left before their wedding is set to begin, Robin's determined to let go of her insecurities and fears once and for all, to open up to Barney completely about _everything,_ and give him that same total honesty he's just given her. It's going to start right now, right this moment, by telling him the whole truth about the last eight minutes. And if he's not too angry with her after hearing all that, it's going to culminate in going back and becoming his wife – because that's the only thing in this world that could ever make her truly, deeply happy.

"Barney…." Robin gently draws back from their hug to look into his eyes. "You just told me the absolute truth, even knowing it was something I might not want to hear, and I have to be honest with you too." She takes a deep breath, forging ahead with the difficult truth despite being unsure of just how he will react. "I didn't actually have to tell the band anything. I'm out here because I got scared, and I freaked out and…..I kind of tried to run away for a few minutes there..."

"I know," Barney says simply, giving her a soft smile. "Why do you think I came out here looking for you? I did have a realization about Marshall and Lily, and about our vows, and that honesty is the only thing that matters. But I was going upstairs to tell you all that – and the truth about the locket – when I saw you running across the church lawn. I knew right away what happened."

Robin wraps her mind around that, how even knowing she was potentially pulling a runaway bride Barney still didn't get upset with her. He just calmly asked her if she was okay, and then he gave her every reassurance she needed without even knowing that's what she needed.

And _that_ is why they're soul mates.

But she still has to tell him the rest of the truth – the worst part of it. "But there's more," she says regretfully, pulling back completely from his embrace now; she feels a bit like she doesn't deserve it. Averting her eyes from his, she confesses, "I came out here _after_ I momentarily suggested that…..that Ted and I should run away together to Chicago," she mumbles shamefully, getting it all out in hurry.

While Barney is surprised at that, he doesn't find her confession upsetting because he understands it for what it was: a last-ditch, desperate attempt to avoid facing her fear. He used to do the same thing when he was a teenager and it was time for his driver's ed classes. He sincerely did want to learn how to drive, but he was so terrified of getting behind the wheel that he'd always take off to help out his Nana, using that as his go-to excuse to keep from facing that fear.

Robin reaches for his hand imploringly. "I didn't really mean it, Barney. Honestly, I didn't. I was just – "

"I know you didn't mean it," he tells her with a smile in his voice.

"You – you do?" she asks, both hopeful and taken aback at his reaction.

"If you wanted to be with Ted you could have, _many_ times over," Barney explains calmly. "But you didn't want to be with him. You _don't_ want to be with him. Anyone can see that. I'm sure Ted did too. That's why he told you 'no', isn't it?"

Robin closes her eyes remorsefully and silently nods. He can see she's inwardly beating herself up for the way she's acted and he squeezes her hand gently in support. "Robin, if you were really trying to run away you wouldn't have come to our reception," he points out. "I know you weren't actually trying to back out of the wedding. You were just afraid. This was just a 'Robin goes crazy' moment all over again – and we're all entitled to go a little crazy right before we're getting married."

"It only got so far out of control because I knew you lied about my locket," she promises. "I was upset that you'd lie to me that way and – "

"I didn't want to," Barney interrupts, because she has to at least know that part. "It was against my better judgment and I started to protest but Ted told me I had to do it. He said you were nervous and that you needed the locket to come from _me_. But you're right," he freely grants, contrite now himself. "That's still no excuse. It doesn't matter what the circumstance is, I can't _ever_ lie to you that way if I want you to trust me and believe in me and feel secure in our relationship. Everything that's happened with Marshall and Lily showed me that. That's how I knew I made a big mistake listening to Ted. What you _really_ needed from me was honesty – complete and total honesty – not lying about your locket."

Robin sighs heavily, hating that she's made him feel like he has to prove himself. She can see that he didn't even _want_ to lie to her. He's the most blameless one in this whole situation and yet somehow it's come off like she's the put-upon party and that simply isn't right. She has to dismiss him of that notion immediately. "It's not that I don't trust you, Barney. I know you don't always lie to me. I just – I got scared. On some level as we got closer to the wedding….I guess I was still waiting to find the catch in it. I think it's because I love you so much. I know that sounds crazy, but sometimes I don't know what to do with all that love. Sometimes I panic; I get afraid that the rug will be swept out from underneath me and this will all go away…..Sometimes I'm scared I love you so much that you couldn't possibly love me that much too."

Her voice was so quiet and heartbreakingly vulnerable during the last part of her confession that Barney wraps his arms around her again and draws her back into his embrace. "Well that's just silly. You are the single most amazing woman on the face of this planet. I couldn't possibly _not_ love you that much."

She smiles tremulously, touched by his words. "You're not mad? You forgive me?"

"Robin, it's no different than your mom on the airplane. She got so freaked out she tried to open the door at 30,000 feet and had to be hogtied for everyone's protection. But she made it here," he reminds her. "And do you care right now that yesterday she ran away from the airport and almost didn't come?"

"No," Robin shakes her head.

"No you don't," Barney echoes. "Because none of that matters. It only matters that she got here. She came because she wanted to be with you above all else. As terrified as she was and as crazy as that fear temporarily made her, she wanted to be with _you_ even more. That's all I see here, Robin. You could be on your way back to Manhattan right now, but instead you came to our reception tent. Because as terrified as you were, you wanted us to be married even more. Sometimes it's not about conquering the fear. It's about doing it anyway because you want it that much." He rubs her arm reassuringly, flashing a hint of one of his patented mischievous smiles. "Besides, you're not the only one who gets scared. I tried to climb out the window earlier."

"You did?" she asks, amused.

"Yep."

"So did I." She laughs self-deprecatingly. "I was a _mess_, Barney. It wasn't just the locket. That was plenty crazy enough, but my mind kept racing from one irrational thing to the next…..My mom said some stuff earlier that made me think you might be too much like my dad. The thought had already occurred to me once before on that day when you guys were playing laser tag together, and so hearing it from her too was alarming."

Barney's face pulls a mystified expression. "Me, like your dad? Huh. I don't see it…..I guess he wears suits a lot, but not _all_ the time, and lately he's been known to wear the occasional Hawaiian shirt – which is something I wouldn't be caught dead in." He thinks about it a second and acknowledges, "We are both competitive, and we both like cigars and scotch. But those are all qualities I share with _you._"

"I know, I know. I know it's irrational. There was some other stuff too, like apparently my dad used to run plays – or at least _a_ play – and he has a gay black brother and was once engaged to a stripper, but none of that – "

"Hold on," Barney stops her in astonishment. "Your _dad_ ran a play?"

"It would seem so," she confirms, discomfited. "The way my mom tells it I think it was "The Royal Archduke of Grand Fenwick", or some derivative thereof."

"What do you know?" Barney muses. "And I thought that was an original. But to tell you the truth, Robin, running a play to get a girl to sleep with you isn't all that unique. Most guys have done at some point in their lives. They just don't call it that, or name the technique and write down the steps, but it's running a play all the same. And women do it too. I've seen _you_ run plays – and not just on me."

"I know," Robin admits laughingly. "I do. I realize now how insane I was being. Those were all just surface things, coincidences that don't amount to anything. It's just, you know how commitment and weddings have always had a tendency to freak us both out. And this is _our _wedding; this is _us_ doing it. So I was already in this weird, spooked state of mind."

"I can understand that, believe me." Barney eases her back a little from him so he can get a better look at her face but he still keeps his hands at her waist, his thumb running over her ribcage in a tender caress through the soft gauze of her wedding dress. "But you _do_ know that I only bonded with your dad because that's what you wanted, right? I mean if it was up to me I wouldn't be hanging out with your dad socially that's for sure – dude's infuriating. I just thought it would make you happy. I know you've forgiven him and you want him in your life so I've tried for your sake. And I guess the guy's not all bad anymore. But there's not a moment that goes by when I'm with him that I don't remember what he did to you. I hope you don't think I'm anything like him in _that_ regard. I haven't always been the most open about my feelings – hell, there was a time I wouldn't admit them at all. But I think I've changed and I'm doing better with that."

"You are. I _know_ you are," she agrees. "You do tell me what you're feeling, you share things with me. You just came to me about all that stuff with your mom and your dad. And I appreciate that, Barney. That's how I want us to be...I think _I'm_ the one who still needs work," she admits self-critically.

"Maybe we're both still a work in progress around the edges," Barney concedes. "But we can work on it _together_. And you know there's nothing you can't tell me, no matter what, don't you? Robin, you could have told me about the fears you were having and we could have talked them through together, just like we did with my panic attacks after we first got engaged. From now on that's what we definitely should do. And not just you, me too. I should have told you all about the locket and where I got it. I should have been honest with you from the start. The truth is I was a bit humiliated by it, and a part of me didn't want you to know where it really came from. But I don't _ever_ want you to feel like I'm emotionally unavailable like your father. So in case you've ever had any doubts: I love you, Robin, and _I_ am proud of you. I'm proud of everything you do. I've never been more proud in my life than I am to be marrying you."

It moves Robin to tears hearing Barney say the words her father never would, and again it makes her feel awful for even momentarily putting him in the same class as her dad. Barney tells her he loves her at least once every day. And forget "The Robin" or their rehearsal dinner, he does sweet loving things for her on a private, intimate scale all the time – and that's far more meaningful to her than the big, public grand gestures no matter what convention might say. "Barney, you're _not_ emotionally unavailable. This is my fault. It was _my_ issue. I put too much stock in that locket. I was already nervous and having jitters about our wedding – about getting married, period. I thought if I could just find my locket that would be a sign that you and I were meant to get married and that everything would be perfect in our marriage and we'd never break up the way my parents did. But then I couldn't find the locket and that freaked me out…..And I suppose I also set it as some sort of test in my mind. I was looking for a sign from the Universe and when I called you that day and you didn't come, I called Ted as a backup and _he_ came, and then he found my locket, and that's the _only_ reason I even fleetingly said that about running away with him. Because he was the one who came through for me – and what that might mean _really_ freaked me out."

Barney feels a slight sting at that, already angry with himself for not being there for her that day. Robin sees the flicker of it pass across his face and she moves her hands up to his arms, intently imparting, "But that was _my_ fault for giving it importance it didn't have. None of that matters, and I never should have set up one day in the park as any kind of test or Universe sign to begin with. I was scared, and that tends to make me not think very clearly. It's the only excuse I can offer, though it doesn't make it right….But I've always been scared when it comes to you because I've always been scared to follow my heart, and you're the one who owns it – the _only_ one who's ever owned it."

He smiles down at her, pulling her back in closer. "Robin Scherbatsky was looking for a sign from the Universe? You _were_ freaked out, weren't you?" he teases.

"_Yes_," she owns up with an embarrassed half-smile of her own. "I know it was stupid…."

"No," Barney corrects her adamantly. "It wasn't stupid. A bit unorthodox and out of character," he drolly amends, "but not stupid. Nothing you ever feel, Robin, is stupid. Maybe sometimes, like in this instance, it's incorrect. But not stupid."

"I _feel_ stupid for making such a fuss about a piece of jewelry."

"But that's clearly not all it was to you. If I'd known what it truly meant, I would have moved heaven and earth to be that sign for you. Robin, I wish I _could_ have been the one who found you your locket," he admits. "I _always_ want to come through for you. I did set some guys on it, but it came up empty-handed. They told me that after almost twenty years it was impossible. But I shouldn't have given up. I should have kept trying. I'm disappointed in myself. When I came to the park later that afternoon and saw how upset you were I – "

"Wait." Robin's heart speeds up at that last part he just said. "You _came_ to the park?"

"Yes," Barney finally admits. "As soon as I was done with your dad. But when I got there Ted was already there and I was too ashamed to let you know I was there too. Because that should have been _me_ there with you holding your hand, if I'd only come sooner. I _should_ have come sooner," he bitterly criticizes himself.

"Barney, no." She's had it all wrong. Here she's been wondering what it meant that he didn't come to her – and even then it was such a small, isolated, one-time thing – when all this time he's been berating himself for coming but not _quickly_ enough. "It doesn't matter that Ted got there first. He'd only been there for ten, fifteen minutes at the most. All that matters is that you came," she discloses, her voice breaking because this latest revelation has removed every last concern she's ever had.

"Of course I came. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you." And because it's indelibly stamped on his heart he tells her, "I love you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone, and I'd do anything I can to make you happy." He has no idea that's exactly what he said in truth serum mode to Ted that Robin never got to hear.

"I'll do anything I can to make you happy too," Robin vows. "I know it may not seem like it right now, but I really will."

"You already do."

She cups his face in her hands, kissing him gently. "I love you, Barney. I'm sorry I had doubts, but I've always, _always_ loved you. That's one thing I've never doubted."

Barney brings her lips back to his a second time, savoring it a second before easing back to say, "So….there's a minister waiting for us. And, Robin Scherbatsky, I cannot wait to make you my wife."

"You won't be able to call me Scherbatsky for long," she grins, letting him go to put her shoes back on. He bends to help her and once they've got her securely back in her silver heels and Barney's up on his feet again too, Robin grabs his hand. "Let's hurry. I can't wait to make you my husband either."

When they reach the entrance to the tent they quickly discover that it's now raining harder so they dash across the street with their arms around one another's waists, each helping to hold up her skirt. They opt to run inside the church through the parking lot to avoid seeing their guests and, once inside, for a moment they just stand there in the deserted back entryway, breathless and laughing.

She reaches up to pat at her up-do, but without a mirror handy it isn't much use. "My hair is slipping out, I'm rained on, and I've been crying. Some bride I'll make. I need to fix up before the ceremony," she observes, but even as she's saying it she notices him standing back to admire her.

"You look beautiful, Robin." He can't even describe how incredible and amazing and mindboggling and just _everything_ all rolled into one it is to be in the church, just minutes away from marrying her. It is quite literally everything he dreamed of but for years didn't dare imagine he could ever have. "God, I can't believe I'm this lucky."

She shakes her head. "I can't believe _I_ am."

Something so deep and rich and full of love passes between them. It can't begin to be put into words, so they just smile.

Robin eyes twinkle up at him and she tells him playfully, "Being married to you, it's gonna be legen….wait for it – "

Barney puts a finger to hers lips, stopping her. "Remember? We've done enough waiting."

"Yes we have," she smiles. "We don't have to wait for it anymore."

He nods in the direction of the chapel, a light of mischief in his eyes. "So get in there and marry me. I dare you."

She looks lovingly back at him, now with a light of mischief in _her_ eyes that perfectly matches his. "Challenge accepted."

Even though they're breaking all wedding etiquette, he can't resist and reaches out and draws her to him again, kissing her soft and warm and, like them, just right.

When they pull away, Robin's finger are fisted in his lapels and her voice is low and sensuous as she reminds him, "_That's_ what we did four days ago."

"What?" he murmurs, dazed, his mind and body distracted by that kiss.

"'Challenge accepted'. That's what we did four days ago."

"_Oh_," Barney remembers. His nose crinkles up as he nods and smirks at her. "_Yeah_ we did."

"I won," Robin answers, bringing his mouth back to hers.

"As I recall, repeatedly," he whispers, kissing her a third time until the heat and the fire and the chemistry start to boil over and his hands slip down around her waist, pulling her against him.

It's then that Ted walks out from around the corner. Neither one of them have even the slightest clue that he'd seen them back at the tent, having gone after Robin himself. They were both too wrapped up in each other to notice the rest of the world.

"Alright guys, keep it together," Ted says pleasantly. "I'm sure there's a bathroom stall with your names on it, but that's not for at least another hour."

Robin and Barney break apart at the interruption but the only place they look is into each other's eyes. After sharing one more smile that's just for them, Barney slowly lets his arms fall from around her, turning to his bro without missing a beat. "A bathroom stall? Please, Ted. What do you take us for? Our marriage will be consummated in the janitor's closet. I already scoped it out when we booked the place. It's got just the right atmosphere of class mixed with dirty," he jokes, leering at his soon-to-be wife. "Plus it has a wide, smooth door – and a pleasant tinge of lemon in the air."

Ted just shakes his head. With them, he's not sure if Barney's kidding or not. "Come on, let's get you two married."

* * *

><p>After Ted takes Barney with him back toward the chapel where their guests have already been seated, Robin heads up to her room for some final touchups. She has seven minutes to fix herself back up, six when you consider that she needs to be downstairs and ready to walk in by 5:59.<p>

It's four minutes to when Robin looks in the mirror and smiles at her reflection, approving of what she sees – and without even a trace of all the nervousness and anxiety of earlier. There's nothing but happiness now.

She glances down at the dressing table and her old locket lying there on top and ponders if she wants to even wear it anymore or just stick to the earring and necklace set she has on. She hadn't thought of or remembered her teenage locket for the longest time and had instead especially purchased the set she's wearing from an antique jewelry store so they could qualify as her "something old". And now that she's come to her senses, she realizes how silly it was putting so much stock in this old beat-up locket that doesn't even match her dress.

Still, the locket was important in her family history and it was passed down to _her_, which is something she'd like to honor. And there's the matter of the promise she made to herself at fourteen.

Taking off the necklace she's wearing, Robin thinks back on that day almost twenty years ago, and maybe she _has_ finally shaken off the deep-seated insecurities she's long been shackled with because she's rather proud of herself and the woman she is today. She _did_ move here, just like she said she would, and she's achieved every last part of that dream of hers. She lives in New York City now. She's a semi-famous, up-and-coming WWN reporter, and she has her distinguished fiancé waiting downstairs to marry her. All of that is what makes this locket a meaningful "something old" even though she doesn't need it as a sign anymore.

…But come to think of it, all she'd originally wanted or asked for was to _find_ her locket. That was the sign that she's meant to marry Barney. She never specified who or where it had to come from. She was hoping to find it herself still buried in the ground. It never had to come from Barney to be her sign. It only needed to be found. And it has been…..Which means she got the sign she'd asked for after all, the sign from the Universe that their marriage is blessed from on high and they'll be together forever and always.

There used to be a time when she didn't believe in miracles, but she has hers now. She and Barney have their against-all-odds, miraculous happy ending – and that's made her a believer.

Robin blinks away tears of happiness just as a knock sounds on her door. "Come in," she calls, reaching back and attempting to fasten her locket around her neck.

"Robin," she hears her father's voice sound behind her with something close to admiration in his tone, and she looks up into the mirror to see him staring back at her. "Here, let me help you with that," he says, crossing to her and taking over the task. "Is this your grandmother's locket?"

"Yeah," she nods.

"I was wrong back then. If I could have seen you now, I would have known it. You make a lovely bride."

"Thanks, dad," she smiles.

'Glad' isn't a strong enough word for it, but she _is_ glad and then some that they're working on patching up their father-daughter relationship. After all, no matter what the past has been he will always be her father, and he's the one who primarily raised her.

But she's realized now that _Barney's_ love and adoration and devotion are all that she's needed. So if she and her dad never get to the place that Barney and his dad have reached, if she never hears 'Robin, I love you and I'm proud of you' from her father's mouth, she'll still be okay. Because Barney is the one who made her whole and unbroken and he's all she'll ever need.

"Are you ready?" her dad asks.

Robin nods. "I am." And she feels it with every fiber of her being.

"Then let's go give you away to that blond fiancé of yours."


	73. 922 Part II

**AN**: I mulled it over and ultimately decided to include some very short previously released material of mine that I've embellished and fit within this chapter, specifically the flashforward from my chapter for 9.15 and Ted's speech that was in my old one-shot "Barney's One Rule". I've included that dialogue again as part of the reception section just to give a feeling for where those scenes fit into the night and the overall mood of the evening. So if you're reading those two brief scenes and it seems familiar it may be because you've come across them before (feel free to skip over it if you don't want to read that part again, but it's very brief and I think it adds to the overall picture of the reception).

A couple more things to note: (1) Loretta alludes back to something that happened four years ago. That is a reference to the events in the "Adolescent Fantasies" chapter of my Season 4-5 fic _Taking that Leap_ if you're wondering what on earth I'm talking about. I was looking back over it and thought it fit too perfectly not to include a mention of it in the wedding chapter of this story. (2) Where I reference Barney's blog entry that is indeed a very real thing found at the corresponding website and written by one of the actual writers for Barney on the show (and released the same night as that AU monstrosity to directly contradict it from within their own writing staff). So, yep, that really happened. I take no credit for it or the two lines quoted from it, but it was too awesome not to include that little gem as well.

One final thing, I let Barney and Robin go all-out with their vows to each other. Some people may think that's slightly out of character but the two of them looked so open and unguarded and deliriously happy during their wedding ceremony that I believe they'd be open with each other and that they only saw each other in that room – and if there's _any_ time to be sentimental and deep about your feelings it's at your wedding.

And just as a warning, this behemoth weighs in at about 27,000 words, the longest single update I've ever written. (When you combine that with the first part I already wrote for 9.22, that means collectively my chapter for "The End of the Aisle" is nearly 50,000 words.) Obviously I had a lot to say about Barney and Robin's wedding! So be forewarned you may have to read in stages if you don't have a lot of time at the moment. Also, this is your sexual content warning. This chapter features Barney and Robin's wedding night and the next morning. Those particular scenes venture into M-rated territory.

**The End of the Aisle, Part II**

* * *

><p><em>If I ever were to lose you<em>_  
><em>_I'd surely lose myself_

* * *

><p>The guys are gathered downstairs standing in the hallway outside the open door to the chapel. James looks in at the assembled guests, at the flowers and ribbon and floral arrangements decorating each row. The church is clearly decked out for a wedding and the fact that it's his <em>brother's<em> wedding is the astounding part. Of course he knew all along Barney had it in him. They grew up together; he could always see behind the mask. But it was a mask that for the longest Barney was absolutely determined to wear. He honestly thought his brother would never let it down, never fall in love, never be standing here. And then came Robin, and James watched Barney change, watched him let his guard down for her. He knew that if his brother was ever going to get here it would be _with_ Robin, but still it was a massive journey making it from there to here.

"Wow," James remarks. "Let's take a moment to commemorate the sheer enormity of what we're about to witness."

"Yeah," Marshall nods his shared astonishment. "Barney Stinson is actually getting married."

"Never thought I'd see the day," Ted concurs.

Their shock at his upcoming matrimony is not exactly a vote of confidence and Barney frowns at them all. "C'mon, guys."

"Alright, alright," Marshall grins. "You know we're just messing with you."

"Yeah, you know I'm proud of you, bro," James agrees. "I always knew it was gonna be Robin." Barney smiles at that and James claps a hand on his shoulder. "Alright," he announces. "Dad's waiting. It's time to get up there."

One by one the groomsmen line up at the altar, first James, then Marshall, then Ted, and lastly Barney. After he takes his place, Barney turns around to face the crowd, drawing in a deep breath.

It's one minute before the wedding. Sam is in the middle ready to officiate, and standing here this way sends a hint of nerves bubbling through Barney again because this is _really_ happening now; this is it. That sensation becomes especially strong as he sees the bridesmaids start to come in. All at once he feels anxious, a last-minute panic seizing him. He tries to ease it away, fidgeting, and when Marshall questions him on what's wrong all he can do is mumble nonsensically about the cornflower blue tie.

Because he _is_ Barney Stinson. He's _Barney Stinson_, and he's getting married. For just a second he has one last panicked return to _his_ age-old debate: can Barney Stinson actually pull off the normal and conventional, or has he just done too much bad in his life to ever be worthy of the good?

But then Marshall suddenly slaps him, knocking him to his senses. He slaps him out of it and, jolting at the unexpected blow, Barney goes right back to calm and collected again. The thought floats through his mind that this must have been how it was for Marshall back at his wedding when he shaved his head – just one last over-the-top, severely rattled moment and then you pull it together and are yourself again.

He doesn't even realize the ramifications to their seven and a half year bet until Marshall points it out. "That's all of them."

Then it hits him. It's over. He's finally free from the horrors of the slap bet, just like he's free from his old life. He may be Barney Stinson but he doesn't have to carry around the cross and the burden of being _Barney Stinson_ anymore. Because he's not that same guy and he never will be again. He never truly _was_ that guy. It was a mask and a facade to hide behind, and the smallest parts of it that were once real are now dead. He'll never be haunted by them again.

Barney pulls Marshall into a hug, thanking him both for freeing him of their slap bet once and for all instead of dragging it out years more to come _and_ for slapping him back to his senses right now just as he needed it most. The two of them are joking around about if he'll miss the slap bet – which he most decidedly _won't_ – when the opening cords to "The Bridal Chorus" begin.

Barney's eyes immediately spark with anticipation and he stands at attention, awaiting Robin's entrance with parted lips and baited breath, eager to see his bride.

Hearing the song start up from her place standing just outside the chapel doors, Robin knows it's time and she steps forward into the doorway on her father's arm. Smiling coyly, she immediately searches out Barney standing at the altar. Their gazes connect just as the music melts into "Sandcastles in the Sand" and her smile turns radiant, awash with joy you can see all the way into her eyes. Barney's expression mirrors that same ecstatic smile, that same uncontainable joy. Because they're _finally_ here. They finally made it. Their journey is over. They've won. They simply get to have each other now, forever and always.

All of their guests stand up for the bride's entrance as she walks in but Robin only has eyes for Barney and he never takes his eyes off her either. As she walks down the aisle to him with the music of "Sandcastles" – their song – playing in the background, they both naturally think back on how far they've come to get here. While they can each still feel every bit of it looking back, at the same time, all the heartache they endured doesn't matter anymore because it brought them here, now, to this perfect moment in time and that's all that matters.

When Robin reaches the end of the aisle she smiles a quick second to her father at this last symbolic moment of 'giving her away', and then she sighs in utter happiness as she turns to her future husband and their eyes meet again as she walks up the stairs to join him once and for all.

Barney keeps looks eagerly to her even as she has to turn away to Lily to quickly hand off her bouquet, because he simply can't wait for this to happen. He can't wait for it to just be the two of them.

And then Robin does turn back to him. Their gazes meet and cling, and she exhales an excited little breath, her lips forming a beaming, exhilarated smile. "Hi."

"Hi," Barney echoes with that same delighted smile.

It's almost a shy greeting between them and a little goofy. They're each on the edge of giddy now, softly laughing, elated to have made it here, to be doing this. And it's everything she said that night they first watched her "Sandcastles" video. They're both so silly and cute and stupid with each other, both feeling sixteen again, young and open and vulnerable and entirely unjaded again.

As they smile at each other so full of happiness, they both just know. They know that this it: this is real and true, soul mate, endgame, forever and ever love – the kind that songs are written about and wars are fought over. They both know that happily ever after is theirs now. It's just waiting to begin. And their life together is going to be _awesome_.

"By the way, in the interest of honesty, we really do have a ring bear," Barney excitedly reveals.

Robin is momentarily concerned to hear that. He'd said in truth serum mode that it was a ringer bear_er_ and so until now she'd forgotten all about her fears of anyone being mauled at their wedding.

Nevertheless, Barney raises his eyebrow and he smiles slyly, knowing she's going to love it. He always knew that – it's why he chose and allowed a ring bear in the first place – and he looks down the aisle, waiting for Robin to see it and realize how perfect it is too.

She follows his gaze, still a bit fearful, but her eyes are met with the most adorable little black bear cub she's ever seen as he comes crawling towards them with their wedding rings strapped to his collar. An approving sigh escapes her as she gushes over how much she loves their ring bear, and Barney's smile widens. It's just the reaction he knew she would have.

In a way the ring bear symbolizes their marriage. Robin balked at it out of fear, out of lack of convention, but it was exactly what she wanted and needed. It was awesomeness and perfection, and all she had to do was allow herself to let go of the fear to see that. Barney knew it before she did, knew her better than she knew herself.

After her strong positive reaction, he raves about how she'll love the flower girl-rilla. But even though _he_ still thinks it's completely awesome, he can see from her expression and tone that it's one step too far and that _she's_ not going to love this one, so he immediately gives over to her without another thought, nixing it and telling her he's just kidding because at this point he is. It's already decided and done. They'll never have one at their wedding – that's 100% true – and Barney watches in relief as his gorilla guy leads the baby ape away before Robin can see it and it can have any negative effect on the ceremony.

With the wedding party now fully here, the couple turns back together, smiling at each other. The particulars of the ring exchange all occur behind Robin's back, and they're so lost in each other neither one even notices Patrice going to retrieve the rings from around the ring bear's collar while his handler holds him and then takes him away. Nor do they see Patrice walking back to stand beside Lily and giving her the rings to keep as the maid of honor. But then Sam clears his throat, and they both know that means it's time for the ceremony to truly begin.

* * *

><p><em>When hurricanes and cyclones raged<em>

_When wind turned dirt to dust_

_When floods they came and tides they raised_

_Ever closer became us_

* * *

><p>"You know, I have a book for weddings that I'm supposed to read from," Sam addresses them, looking to Barney and to Robin and then the rest of the guests, "long, flowing words about the importance and meaning of marriage. I could read the scriptures that are frequently quoted at weddings. I could recite you oft-repeated platitudes on the quality and state of being married and what makes a good marriage. All of those things are fine and good; I'm not saying anything against them. That's the sort of ceremony I usually perform. But I know this couple personally and so I want to speak from the heart as I'll soon encourage them to do the same."<p>

Sam turns to Barney, the man he hopes might one day become his step-son. "When I was first getting to know Barney, my son's half-brother, son of this very fine woman here and love of my own, _Loretta_," he indicates her in the audience with a smile, "I thought there could not be a man any further from marriage – and those of you who know Barney know what I'm talking about." His claim is met with laughter from their guests and from Robin and Barney too as they think back on the old days and the schemes that she'd even occasionally help him run. "Then, over the past years, I had a few opportunities to meet Barney's close friend, Robin," Sam continues, turning to her now. "And she seemed the same as Barney, very skittish about love and marriage when the subject came up….But I saw something there. Whenever the two of them were together there was that special spark that when you see it, you just know. They'd call each other 'friends' and even 'wingmen', but the way they looked at each other said it all. To this day I've never seen any two people look at each other with such open adoration as these two. Such overwhelming love is in those little looks and shared glances that it's palpable even to the outside observer, and it's so intense that you look at them looking at each other and you think to yourself, '_I_ want to feel that someday'."

Barney and Robin look to each other at that, and it's not even intentional the way he smiles as big as the sun to her and she returns his smile, so adoring and full of love just like Sam said.

"In all of my years as a minister marrying couples, I've seen a lot of different reasons to get married: loneliness, searching for companionship, because you've reached a certain age and you think you should. People come to me with sensible plans and they have it all worked out logically every step of the way how their lives are going to go," Sam expounds. "But the marriages I've performed that have been the ones to last twenty, thirty, forty years are the couples who came together for love. No other reason. Just pure, deep love. They didn't always have life plans etched out, and sometimes on the surface it seemed like those two together were the most impractical thing imaginable. But those are always the couples and the marriages that go the distance. Because you can't approach relationships and marriage the same way you do other big life decisions like what job you take or what city you want to live in. When it comes to matters of the heart, reason and logic and sensibleness and even the odds people are taking on you behind your back, those things don't matter; they just don't count. Even though some of those love-based marriages seemed like the odds were stacked against them, they always proved everyone wrong. Because love doesn't have to make sense. But loving anyway, giving your heart and your whole self completely over to that love, that's what brings people their happily ever afters. Because that kind of once in a lifetime love, loving each other _that_ way, well, it's the best thing we do. And it will always lead to the best result."

Everything Sam is saying now is exactly what Ted tried to tell Robin earlier and she looks over to him for a second, smiling her overwhelming thanks for not letting her be stupid. Then her eyes go right back to her fiancé's where they stay for the rest of the ceremony.

"It took Robin and Barney a little longer than most to figure that out – or I suspect it took them that long to _admit_ it to themselves," Sam asserts. "These two were not going down to love without a kicking and screaming fight. But love is inevitable and overpowering, and real love will _not_ be ignored or quieted or denied. That kind of chemistry and abiding true love will _always_ keep coming through. It will always be there and you'll always keep coming back together because that's where you're meant to be. Until one day you finally wise up, get out of your own way, and stop fighting it…..And then love has its way. Love makes two people grow and progress and mature and open up their hearts making them ready for each other, ready to come together as Barney and Robin have. And that kind of love-based marriage like the one they're entering into right now, that's the kind that's going to bring them a long and happy future together. And forty, fifty, sixty years down the line those of us who are left will all be coming together to celebrate _their_ milestone anniversaries."

"Now, the couple has decided to write their own personal vows and I turn it over to them to express those to one another. Barney," Sam nods in his direction, indicating that he should start first.

* * *

><p><em>I believe, and I believe cause I can see<em>

_Our future days, days of you and me_

* * *

><p>Neither one of them has actually formally prepared anything to say. Barney wasn't the only one who had trouble writing his vows out. Robin too found the task virtually impossible. They both decided it would be best to, as Sam said, speak naturally from the heart and in the moment.<p>

Now it's Barney's turn and he's already facing her, their eyes already connected, but he takes the tiniest step toward her as he earnestly begins. "Robin, you know we've already established my one official vow. I've already spoken that to you privately, and I love that we'll always have that moment as private between us." Watching him, she can actually see the second where mischief slips in and she knows before he even forms the words that whatever he's about to say next will be no less sincere but it _will_ be lighthearted and funny. "Here in front of all of our friends and family I'll just give a full recounting of my innermost private and personal feelings for you and the difference you've made in my life if that's alright."

His comment receives some light laughter from their guests but everyone else in the room fades away for the two of them and they only see each other, as if they're all alone talking with no one else to hear.

"So where do I begin?" Barney ponders. "Well, for starters, you're the only one who's as big a scotch aficionado as I am. You know your way around a humidor like no one's business." His gaze and tone turn suggestive as he adds, "You have an impeccably flawless grip and finesse on even the longest, thickest piramide. You know just exactly the perfect way to roll it around on your tongue." He gives her a heated look to match his innuendo and then without faltering smoothly continues, "You're the best laser tag partner I've ever had – leading us to not one but _two_ East Coast championships. And just look at you," he says admiringly, doing just that. "How could I _not_ want to marry you? From the beginning I knew: this is a woman who's special, this is a woman who brings men to their knees; I get it now, what all the fuss is about. And from our very first laser tag championship when you turned to me with your hair in your eyes and I had sweat on my forehead and we were both out of breath but we high-fived seamlessly and each held up a side of that trophy, I looked at you and I knew I could see myself with you always."

Their first laser tag championship was around Christmastime way back in 2007, and Robin blinks twice rapidly at the confession he's just made. Barney knows that means what he said has touched her and that in turn touches him, but he only said it because it's the absolute truth.

"Growing up I was different than your average kid. I had an older brother who didn't look anything like me, which didn't seem weird to _me_ but others found it that way. Neither one of us had a relationship with our father or even knew who he was. And on top of all that, the other kids weren't yet able to grasp and value my unique brand of genius," he divulges, fully allowing for the first time that he was a nerd who was routinely bullied in school. "My mom did the best she could but I grew up feeling different, like I didn't fit in. Still, though I'd never seen any examples of it myself, I believed in true love back then, and I tried at love. I tried it – but it did _not_ work out. And that was just one disappointment and disillusionment too many. After that I became cynical and jaded, and I swore off love like it was the plague." He motions his head behind him towards his groomsmen. "Marshall and Lily eventually proved to me that love was real, but I honestly thought people were making most of it up, just exaggerating; yeah, you love the girl but she's not the be-all and end-all of life. That kind of all-consuming, till-the-end-of-our-days love, I didn't believe it existed. I thought it was just something lovesick fools tricked themselves into thinking they felt. And in the extremely rare moments like Marshall and Lily's wedding where I caught a glimpse of something that made me think maybe there _was_ something more to it that I didn't yet understand, with how I'd lived for so long in such an extreme way I knew that even if that kind of love did exist it couldn't ever be for a guy like me, someone who was that far gone, someone who was as despicableand…._broken_ as I was. And then you came along."

Robin smiles at him, her heart in her eyes, and Barney pauses a second just to appreciate and remember this moment before carrying on. "You came along and I had never met anyone like you. You saw through me and you challenged me – and you also kinda liked what you saw," he teasingly asserts. "And that never failed to blow me away. It was – it still _is_ – the most amazing feeling in the world to know that here is this smart, funny, hot, incredible woman, and _I_ just made her laugh. I just made her smile. She thinks I'm pretty cool." Barney nods and clicks his tongue, making her laugh right now.

"The truth is, I knew that even my closest friends didn't approve of me," he reveals. "There were parts of myself that even I hated, though I'd never admit it. But you saw something in me that none of the others did, and you were able to love me not in spite of all my quirks and eccentricities – enviable and awesome as they are – but _because_ of them. A few weeks back, you told me that you'd never want to change all the little things about me that make me who I am. You said – and this is a direct quote – 'It turns out I accept and _appreciate_ even the grossest, creepiest, most psychopathic parts of you'." That draws smiles from their guests but they don't notice; neither one has taken their eyes off each other. But Barney notices _her_ smile and asks her, "And do you remember what I said in reply?"

Robin grins. "'Looks like somebody just wrote her vows'."

Their guests laugh aloud at that and Barney nods, owning his response. "That _is_ what I said. But you know what? That should be in _my_ vows. That's what _I_ have to celebrate about you. For the first time somebody loves me just for me – and then that somebody turns out to be the dead sexiest, most incredible woman on the face of the planet _and_ the one woman who stole my heart just like that," he snaps his fingers. "How does that even happen? How does a guy get so lucky?" He shakes his head in wonder. "I never believed love was all they said it was. It took you to show me I was wrong. Because within the first night of knowing you, you'd already gotten under my skin. Within the first week, I didn't know whether I wanted to see more of you or never see you again because you both enthralled me and scared the hell out of me at the same time. Within the first months, I recognized there was something different here that I needed to explore. Within the first year and a half after I met you, deep down I knew I was in _serious_ trouble. And by the second year I'd known you, I was already in love with you more than I could even wrap my mind around. Within another six months, I was absolutely sure of it in a _terrifying_ way – because I did _not_ know what to do about it. And it only got stronger and stronger."

"I loved you like crazy, but I didn't think that kind of love was meant for someone like me. I didn't think I could ever be good enough for it after some of the things I've done," Barney conveys. "But you were able to look past all that and see the real man beneath. And I know it's a clichéd thing to say but it really is the unadulterated truth: you made me want to be a better man. You were the only one who'd ever done. And I became that better man for you, but most of all I became that better man _because_ of you. Because of you and the way you loved me in a way I'd never known – so wholly and completely, for some reason just loving _me_. Because of the way you were able to see the good in me that sometimes I couldn't see – and even love the bad too. Because of all that, because of you in my life, Robin, you made me whole again. I'm finally a healed person. _You_ fixed me and made me unbroken. You are the love of my life, the end of my journey. And even though I still know I'll never quite be worthy of your love I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to be."

Robin feels the tears gathering in her eyes, and just when she thinks she might embarrass herself and become the stereotypical weepy bride Barney saves her from it in the nick of time.

"But I promise that whatever I don't quite measure up to you in merit I'll make up for in bed," he says seductively with a wink. "And that's saying a lot too because it's pretty damn hard – pun definitely intended – to be as good as you in bed. Which is yet another shockingly phenomenal windfall that the undisputed love of my life who somehow loves me back and is the only person who's ever understood and appreciated me for me also happens to be a sex _goddess_ who can rock me in the sheets and out worlds better – like not even in the same league – as anything or anyone I've ever known. And I realize that's inappropriate to bring up at a time like this but, my god Robin, you just do it for me."

Robin laughs and smiles, feeling flattered and giddy all over again. Bringing her hand to her chest, she looks up, blinking. Barney smiles in blissful amusement at her slightly flustered and charmed reaction because even after all this time he still has that ability to get to her – leave her off-balance, her heart racing, completely under his spell – with just a few flirtatious words. He can clearly see it, the power he'll always have over her, and he loves knowing that because she has the same power over him too and always will.

"Um…wow…how do I follow that?" Robin replies laughingly. "I guess by saying 'right back at ya'. But in this case that's an understatement," she enticingly adjoins. Barney's smile turns alluring and he winks at her again, which only gets her further hot and bothered. "But um, forgetting that for a moment and focusing on recounting _my_ innermost personal feelings for you and the difference you've made in my life…..You've talked about how you felt broken. Well, it wasn't just you. We were _both_ broken people with deep-seated issues, but somehow we just went together so perfectly. We fixed _one another_. Our broken parts fit together to make this beautiful whole, like two pieces of a puzzle. I always laughed in school when Greek mythology said that about 'soul mates', but it turns out that Plato guy had something there," she quips, smiling at a line that could have easily come from her fiancé. "We were both searching for what was missing, struggling and never quite feeling whole, but all we had to do was let life lead us and it brought us right to each other. Because, as _I_ learned, you may think you know what's best for you but fate has a better plan. It took _you_ to show me that," Robin tenderly discloses. "I used to say – and honestly think – that I'd never get married; I never wanted to fall in love. When I was young I used to believe in love but then I stopped believing. And if love the way people described it actually was real, I thought it sounded pretty horrible to be that vulnerable to another person. Until I met you, someone exactly like me with all those same fears I had. Until we fell in love with each other."

"All of my life I felt like I was different too, like I was wired wrong. I was raised not to be a girl but I _was_ a girl, and that meant I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere or belonged with anyone. And that's what I wanted most of all: to belong and to be accepted and loved for who I was, even though I was still figuring that out myself," Robin articulates. "I believed in romantic love. Just like you I'd never seen it, but I believed and I dreamed about it. I wanted it for myself. I imagined my future including love and marriage like most other young girls do. But, also like you, life taught me not to dream or believe in love anymore. Love and feelings only get you hurt so it's best to run from them at all costs because that kind of love that young girls dream of, it doesn't exist. I was so _sure_ of that. I was sure of what I thought was best for me. And then you showed me how wrong I was."

"You saw right through to the heart of me and you just got me," she tells him. "I still remember not long after we first met when you took one look at me and somehow understood how disillusioned I was with my job and my need to retaliate, to show them all how wrong they were about me, and we started playing this game where you got me to say the most ridiculous things on air because if they didn't respect me then I wouldn't respect them. That was only the beginning of us playing games together. And you're right," Robin admits. "I _did_ like what I saw. You were a genius. Even though you didn't always use that genius for the best of things, you still were a genius. And you were funny and clever and sharp and charming – and of course attractive. That goes without saying, but you always knew how hot you are. Falling in love with you was easy, Barney. I couldn't even stop it when I tried – and I did try, because I was still convinced I didn't want that kind of love for myself and I was sure you wouldn't love me anyway."

"And that's just it," she imparts. "_I_ always felt like there was something wrong with _me_, but you never saw me that way. You were always right there to tell me how amazing I am. And what made that even more incredible is that you could easily see beneath my mask. You saw the real me. You understood all my faults and insecurities, and you _still_ loved me anyway. Not just most of me, or some parts of me, but _all_ of me. You never once wanted to change me, and when you saw me trying to change myself for others you were the first one to speak up and tell me how stupid I was being because the real Robin Scherbatsky is the best and _everyone_ should love her. No one had ever told me that before. No one had ever made me feel that way before. I've never felt this close to anyone," she expresses. "And so _free_ – free to think and feel however I do and know that it's okay, free to just be myself and not be judged. You helped me _find_ myself, and you showed me that who I am – just myself, just Robin – there's nothing wrong with me. I'm _not_ wired wrong. I don't have to try to be something else. Who I am is good enough."

Barney shakes his head, interrupting her. "You're _more_ than just 'good enough'."

"See," Robin smiles lovingly, tears gathering in her eyes again, "you're still doing it. Still making me believe in myself. Still telling me I deserve to be loved for who I am, _exactly_ as I am – no excuses, no justifications, no changes necessary. Through you and all the amazing ways you've loved me, I've come to realize that I _am_ worthy of love right now, just as I am. No one's ever done that for me. No one's ever loved me the way that you love me."

"And I've never loved anyone the way that I love you. You joked about me loving and appreciating even the creepiest parts of you. Well I said that and I _meant_ it, but you didn't say the rest. You didn't say that the reason I never want to change every little thing about you is because I always want you to remain the man I fell in love with. Because I don't just love you now, new and improved Barney as you've called it. I loved you then too. We both have our faults. But, Barney, even your faults are pretty awesome. So that _is_ a part of my vows," she declares, "because you _are_ my soul mate, and I love every part of you in the same way you've loved every part of me."

"That's what I love about our relationship. We know everything there is to know about each other – the lovely and the flawed – but there's never any judgment, only acceptance and love for all of those things that make us who we are. Finding someone who loves you for you and appreciates you exactly as you are, that is the greatest gift. That is the best love you can ever find, and I'm so glad we found that with each other. And we don't ever have to worry about the future; I've realized that now," she asserts. "Because our love has _already_ proven to be the best, the most durable and persistent and _permanent_ love. We've been a team – it's been you and me against the world – before we even realized it. The way we'd just naturally buddy up….like on the night we tried to complete Ted's Murtaugh list, still one of the funnest nights of my life." She's smiling broadly just thinking back on it. "Or like that time we teamed up to stop Ted from 'getting coffee' with an old girlfriend."

"Or the way we'd spend hours together researching his dates before he went on them," Barney chimes in. "I can admit now that as invested as I was in being a good wingman I really just wanted to spend time with you."

Robin laughs, adding to their growing list, "Or how much fun we had the night of that benefit at the Museum of Natural History, breaking all the rules and touching all the exhibits and staying one step ahead of that ridiculous guard."

The memory of that night turns Barney's mind to the more serious aspect of it that's just as important to him as all the fun they had together that night. "The way you were there for me when I finally found out who my dad was, and the way you later stood by me like nobody else through the whole Arcadian mess."

His candidness brings out her own and she includes, "There was the way I foolishly thought I could try to distance myself from you to protect my heart, but our love is so permanent and unstoppable and irrepressible that I couldn't go as much as a week without running back to see you again."

Barney smiles; he loves hearing that, loves knowing he was the reason she came back. "We were always inseparable. We always kept coming back for more," he affirms.

"We could never help ourselves. Through dating other people, and being engaged to other people, and cheating on other people with each other, we tried to stay away but we just couldn't. We only got closer with time and fell even more in love. Now we get to be that team forever, and I couldn't be happier," she avows.

"But we're more than just a team. Now we're a family," Barney enhances.

"Yes, we are," Robin nods in agreement, perfectly understanding what he means. "That's the bond we have. Because our love for each other has lasted and endured through everything – through time and distance and our own stupidity. It always _will_ keep on lasting and enduring, and that's something that'll come in pretty handy during our first married fight. And our second and our third, cause strong personalities….."

"Oh we'll have our arguments from time to time," Barney agrees. His voice lowers an octave and he notes, "But I love the way we settle them. And the one thing that's as sure and as real as we are – that's an integral, inseparable part of _who_ we are – is that I love you."

"And I love you," Robin tells him softly.

"And no matter what happens we always, _always_ come back together. Because our love is _that_ strong," he maintains.

"Because we're meant to be together _that_ much," she reiterates.

"When I think of where I came from…" Barney pauses, struggling to convey what he feels. "I just – I _hated_ it so much by the end, having no choice but to settle for that kind of cheap, hollow life when I knew there was so much more with you – the woman I loved and wanted to be with – that to be honest I really was almost suicidal. I am so _grateful_ that I never have to go back to that again. I went from meaningless one-night stands with random women that left me feeling empty and disgusted in the morning to companionship, friendship, understanding, and an intense emotional bond. And even better, I get to combine the two in the awesomest way. I get to sleep with _and_ marry the one woman who I share this deep connection with. I mean I get to marry my _best friend_. _That_ is the ultimate dream. Every day I get to be with my confidante, my partner in crime, my number one bro, and my very best lover."

"At the end of the night I get to go home with you and have all the crazy, passionate, overwhelmingly best sex of our lives," Robin jumps in and they grin to each other.

"And sex with feelings," Barney puts in with a little smirk, his eyebrow shooting up as he mischievously adds, "and not just _those_ kinds of feelings. Real, emotional feelings. I get to make love to you."

"And stay with me all night," she points out to the quick change artist who'd often dash down fire escapes at four in the morning.

"Yes," he nods thankfully. "You get to be the first thing I see every morning. And then we make love again," he whispers cheekily. "And I can _tell_ you how much I love you. I don't have to hold it inside anymore…..What an _idiot_ I was all these years! Marriage isn't a bad thing."

"Marriage means we get to have all that for the rest of our lives," Robin wholeheartedly affirms his sentiment. "It's not something to be afraid of. It's something to run towards screaming, 'Sign me up; I can't wait!'."

"One thing's for sure," Barney smiles. "When you cross two streams of awesome, they don't cancel each other out. They come together in an explosion of something even _more_ awesome. That's what we are together. That's what our marriage will be."

"It will," Robin agrees. "And I'm not afraid anymore, cause I believe in us. I believe in our love. I believe in our marriage _because_ of the way we love each other."

"That indescribable, incomparable, 100% awesome way we only feel when we're together."

"Mm-hmm," she smiles. "I believe our marriage is going to be amazing because I can already see our future together. I can see just how it will go."

"So can I," he agrees. "I know exactly how our marriage – how the rest of forever – is gonna play out. The laughter and happiness, and occasional fight, but more than occasional sex. Frequent sex."

"_Constant_ sex," she modifies with a sly little smirk.

"_Yeess_," Barney enthuses. "Constant sex. And most of all, love."

"So much love," Robin nods in agreement with tears once again in her eyes.

With their vows finished, Sam turns to Lily for the rings, placing them each on the open book in his hands. Barney picks up Robin's ring first like they'd rehearsed and follows Sam's instructions to repeat, "As this ring has no end neither shall my love for you."

As Barney begins to slip the silver wedding band onto her finger, he recites the vow he picked out. "I choose you, Robin, above all others to be my wife. I place this ring upon your hand as a sign of my love and fidelity, as a symbol of our unity, and with it I join my life to yours. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. I will love, honor, and cherish you in all times, in all places, and in all ways, forever."

Robin watches intently as he slides the ring onto her finger, and even when he finishes he keeps holding her hand in both of his. She bites her lip, thrilled, as she smiles down at the ring, but Barney's only watching her.

She finally looks up, meeting his eyes with a beaming grin, and then it's her turn to pick up his ring and repeat, "As this ring has no end neither shall my love for you". While she slips Barney's silver wedding band onto his finger, she recites the vow she chose. "I, Robin, take you, Barney, to be my husband, to share all that I am and all that I have for all time to come. You make my life complete. There never was and never will be a time that I don't love you. You were my yesterday. You are my today. You will be my tomorrow. Forevermore."

Now that Barney's ring is on too, they simply take one another's hands, knowing that you can't promise perfection. Neither one of them is perfect. Their love story and relationship isn't perfect either. But they love each other with everything they've got and that's all that matters; that's more than enough.

While they're still holding both of each other's hands, Sam looks back and forth between the couple. "As the two of you have given and received rings and pledged your love to one another, it is my great privilege to now pronounce you husband and wife."

The expression on their faces in that moment is breathtaking. They both immediately look to each other, smiling as bright as the sun and laughing ecstatically, because they _did_ it. It's official now. They made it.

Robin lets goes of Barney's hands to lean into him, bringing her hands up to his shoulders as his go down to her waist and they seal it with their first married kiss, smiling into the kiss the same way they did when they got engaged. Then Barney draws her in closer and deepens the kiss, moving one hand up her back to support Robin as he dips her down low in grand romance style, continuing the kiss all the while, because her new husband is a secret romantic at heart.

He brings her back up and the newlyweds are _still_ kissing. When they finally draw back, he murmurs "I love you" against her lips and she smiles, whispering, "I love you too."

At that point they _have_ to let go of each other long enough to go receive boisterous congratulations from their wedding party. Robin enthusiastically hugs Lily while Barney hugs the guys, and their elation is apparent to everyone. No one has ever seen either of them so happy.

Lily gives Robin her bouquet and then the couple can come together again. Barney takes her hand in his and Robin entwines their fingers. They turn back to their guests, acknowledging them for the first time. Barney raises both his eyebrows, grinning, with an expression of _look how astonishingly lucky I am_, and Robin triumphantly raises her bouquet, the very picture of a woman who 1000% wanted to marry this man regardless of the silly, inconsequential fears she'd earlier had.

As they begin to walk back up the aisle holding each other's hands tightly, Barney looks to Robin, full of happiness and contentment. It's almost hard to believe that this actually happened and he's not just dreaming. He truly is this fortune and blessed that of all the men in the world she is _his_ wife.

Robin waves to her dad, and when they're almost up the aisle she turns to look at Barney. He feels her eyes on him and instantly smiles back at her warm and lovingly and with a hint of flirtatiousness as he sets his free hand to her arm and they laugh to each other again as they exit the chapel.

Around the corner, they keep walking until they come to a stop at the end of the hallway. They'd worked out a new plan for their exit from the church: Barney's celebratory dove release would happen first, and _then_ – once the birds were safely out of harm's way – Robin's family would fire their twenty-one gun salute using real bullets to be more "romantic". But as it turned out the rain had other plans anyway and there was no need for concern. Now they've made arrangements to receive their guests inside.

They look at each other, still smiling unstoppably. "We did it," Barney says breathlessly.

Robin nods excitedly, grinning and biting her lip again. "We're _married_." She giggles and reaches up to kiss him.

"Happy?" he asks her once their kiss ends.

"So happy." She gives him another brief kiss and then eases back, rubbing the slight redness on his cheek that only someone as familiar with his face as she is would notice. "So you had a few last-minute nerves and Marshall slapped some sense back into you?"

"Yeah," he admits sheepishly and Robin laughs.

"Wait, that means the slap bet is over," she realizes.

"I'm free," he confirms with great relief.

"Nope," Robin grins, rubbing her thumb over his ring. "You're the most shackled you've ever been – well, until tonight," she winks suggestively. "How does it feel?"

"_Amazing_," Barney answers with all his heart, drawing her back in close.

"We're legendmarried," she sighs. "I was wrong earlier. I was so freaked out I said that legendary meant not real, but it's the realest and truest thing I've ever known. I want our life to always be legendary."

"It will be. Not always perfect but always legendary, just like us."

Robin smiles, kissing him quickly. "We've got about two seconds before the rest of the world descends on us," she figures. "Just enough time to tell you again that I love you like crazy, Barney Stinson, and I'm so happy to be married to you."

Before he can reply they hear Lily and Ted loudly walking in behind them and the others are right on their heels.

Barney smiles softly. "Later?"

"Later," she agrees.

And he kisses her again, whispering "I love you" just as the others begin to descend.

* * *

><p>Their reception back on the lawn of the Farhampton Inn doesn't begin until eight. That leaves an hour in between for the wedding photos they never got the chance to take earlier. Since it's raining now, the photographer sets up all the shots inside the church, mostly in the picturesque chapel itself.<p>

As the bridal party and family moves back and forth in between poses and selected group shots everyone keeps talking about how adorable Barney and Robin were during the ceremony, not just with how beautiful their vows were – which moved both their mothers to tears – but also in the way they couldn't stop smiling and laughing with each other and how _obviously_ in love they are.

And this is the first chance Barney and Robin have really gotten to properly talk to and visit with their families, since they were both too preoccupied before and during the ceremony to pay them much mind. Robin can appreciate now how regal her mother looks in her peach ensemble with matching hat and little veil, her dark hair swept off to one side. During the wedding, her mom sat next to their twenty-something cousin who's still lingering around with Katie, who was seated on their cousin's opposite side for the ceremony.

Robin also enjoys now how dapper her dad looks in his tux – and all smiles too, a true rarity for him. By his side, both during the ceremony and now, is his new wife, her new step-mother, Carol, with the white blonde hair and shade of lipstick too dark for her skin tone. But although she may be a bit out there and gaudy for Robin's taste, she _is_ a genuinely nice woman.

While walking up the aisle, Robin noticed sitting next to her father too was her newly arrived aunt whose fowling farm she'd been sent to as a young teen, and it's been nice having the chance to catch up with her between photos.

Both Barney and Robin have now also noticed how lovely Loretta looks with her hair down in soft curls – wearing a dark, low-cut V-neck dress with a high, beaded waist – a youthful look to match her new, second chance at life with Sam. Jerry too is debonair in his tux, and Barney highly approves of his step-mom Cheryl suiting up for the occasion. Even through it's a maroon _dress _suit, he still claims it counts.

While the photographer is setting up a shot of all the groomsmen plus the two fathers, Loretta takes the opportunity to go talk to her new daughter-in-law and make sure things truly are on the right track between them again. Walking over to Robin's side, she smiles and sets a hand to her arm. "You really are prepared to let bygones be bygones, aren't you dear?" she asks hopefully.

"Of course," Robin assures her. She hasn't even thought about their silly little squabble, but then again she's so happy right now that nothing could bring her down.

"Good," Loretta nods, feeling genuinely relieved. "I'm very happy for you that your mother was able to come after all, but I still hope you'll always think of me as a mom too. And I hope you know I didn't mean the way I acted earlier….I was feeling threatened by you, to tell the truth, because I knew you're the only one who could actually replace me with Barney, and I saw that starting to happen and – "

"Loretta – "

"_Mom_," she corrects her.

"Um, Mom," Robin tries it out again. It's an odd, though not unpleasant, feeling to have a caring, doting, and actively concerned motherly presence in her life. Because despite her mom coming to the wedding – which she is very appreciative of – the two of them have never had a mother/daughter bond like that. It's always felt more to Robin like _she_ is the one doing the looking after in their relationship. "I don't want to replace you. I just – "

"No, it's alright, dear," Loretta stops her. "That's the way it's meant to go. I accept that. You're the woman in his life now, and I'm glad he has you. He loves you so much. We all do, the entire family. You are the perfect woman for him. Actually, I see a lot of myself in you. I even told Barney so once, that time almost four years ago now when I had pneumonia. You and Barney were dating back then and he brought you over to the house…..I know you must remember," she adds with a sly smile.

"I do," Robin answers quickly, hoping that will stave off any further discussion of the time her now mother-in-law overheard them having sex.

"He confided in me then that he was in love with you desperately," Loretta reveals, "and I told him I could see that you loved him too but you were afraid to admit it. You were stubborn like I was. I recognized that fear in you because _I_ lived with that same fear for forty years. I was afraid to let Sam in my heart or my life so I ran away from it, but I kept on loving him all those years. A connection like that can't be broken, just like yours and Barney's. It's like you said in your vows, with a love that strong you'll always come back together. I understand that better than anyone."

That actually explains a lot about Loretta's life, and Robin too can see similarities between them. They're both strong, independent women, but ones who have a soft, loving side as well. They both are actively in touch with their sexuality and not afraid to own that fact. And apparently they both used to run away from their feelings – and both ended the unhealthy pattern just in time. "I'm happy for you too," Robin tells her sincerely. "And I'm _so_ thankful that Barney and I are finally together for good now and that it didn't take us forty years to wise up. We've already wasted enough time."

After that it's the women's turn. They all line up for their pictures, and the rest of the photo shoot continues in kind until 7:45 when they decide it's time to start heading across the street.

Seeing the continuing downpour, they distribute rain gear accordingly, protecting the bride and groom first and foremost from the deluge. When the little church comes up short, Ted and Marshall volunteer to go without and make the dash across the street at the mercy of the elements.

The two men stand at the top of the church steps, peering out into the rainstorm. "Yep," Ted says to Marshall. "I could _really_ use that old yellow umbrella right about now."

* * *

><p><em>I must admit you were not a part of my book<em>

_But now when I open it up and take a look_

_You're the beginning and the end of every chapter_

_You're the best thing I never knew I needed_

_When you appeared I had no idea_

_You'd be the best thing I never knew I needed_

_But now it's so clear, I need you here always_

_My accidental happily ever after_

* * *

><p>When they arrive at the reception there's the typical announcement and entrance of the wedding party, and then for the first time ever Barney and Robin are introduced as Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, a title that four or five years ago would have blown both their minds but now it's the most beautiful music to their ears.<p>

By ten after eight everyone is seated and the champagne is poured and ready for the official best man's toast to be made before dinner. Barney's sitting at the head table smiling over at Robin in her seat next to him when she reaches over and takes his left hand, running her finger over the silver band that now adorns his ring finger. "So," she asks, "how does it honestly feel?"

He sighs, the soft happy sort of sigh he reserves for emotional confessions – or just after sex. "It feels good. It feels _really_ good. It feels incredible. Kind of like late at night when we're in bed and I'm spooning you." And because it's Barney, he adds, "Naked, of course."

The contented smile on Robin's lips turns to an all-out grin. "Of course." This time she is the one to sigh. "That was a really great answer, Barney. A perfect answer. You are gonna get so lucky tonight."

He gives her that Stinson smirk, the one she could never quite manage to resist. "I always do. You, Robin, seem to have trouble saying no."

The space between them slowly closes. "Well you once said you always get the 'yes'."

"That I do. Except now I only want it from you."

She sets her hand softly to his cheek. Her touch, her eyes, always say what her words can't. "You've got it," she promises.

For a second Barney turns his face into her palm, simply enjoying her touch. Then he reaches up and grasps her hand, pausing to bring her finger to his lips and press a light kiss onto the wedding ring encircling it before drawing it back for his inspection. Rubbing his thumb across the band now resting against her diamond engagement ring, he looks up into her eyes. "How does yours feel?"

"Awesome," she answers sincerely. "Surprisingly, I don't feel the slightest bit shackled," she adjoins with a twinkle in her eye.

"Like you said, give us a few hours. You will tonight," he replies with a decidedly naughty twinkle of his own.

"Yeah?" she asks in anticipation, moving closer…..because what is a wedding if it doesn't include a little tongue-on-tongue action – or perhaps some bathroom-stall sex a la Lily and Marshall. After all, it will be literally hours until they're alone; the reception is only just getting started.

"_Oh yeah_." One hand finds her waist, the other the nape of her neck. "We're going to give a whole new meaning to the phrase 'ball and chain'."

They're about to pounce on each other when, with the eagle eye that only a mother can possess, Lily swoops in it at the last minute and stops them. "Hey, hey! Save it for tonight, you guys. Ted's about to start his speech."

They groan but inch-by-inch back a respectable distance away from each other, though Barney keeps his arm around Robin and she continues to lean into him as the newlyweds reluctantly focus their attention toward their best man.

"Just before the ceremony this evening," Ted begins, "Marshall and I were waiting around in the hallway of the church and I remarked to him, 'The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?'. He smiled and answered back, 'Yeah, just a few. In a weird way it all makes sense though, doesn't it?'. And as is usual with the esteemed Mr. Erickson, he was absolutely right."

Ted's opening lines were sweet and actually conversational, with no hints of 'Classic Smosby' at all, and Barney and Robin exchange a look, thinking they may get a decent wedding toast out of him yet. But their optimism comes too soon because their long-winded friend is only just getting started.

"Oscar Wilde once said, 'Life is one fool thing after another, whereas love are _two_ fool things after each other'," Ted quotes. "I once thought that I would be one of those fool things up there with Robin, but the universe – and these two – " he interjects, indicating his two close friends, "had other ideas. Now I know what you're thinking: architect, college professor, clearly handsome all-around great catch. Who wouldn't pick this? But as Wilde also said, 'The mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death'."

Barney bends his lips to Robin's ear. "Is anyone else hearing the Charlie Brown voices?"

Robin giggles. Until Lily leans over and shoots them a glare across the table, warning in a stage whisper, "Be nice. He worked really hard on this."

With one last shared look of amusement, they turn back to Ted mid-speech.

"I still remember the touching words Barney said after seeing Robin for the first time. Technically, I spotted her first – never let it be said that Ted Mosby doesn't have a keen eye – and, thinking she would make the perfect future wife, I naturally pointed her out to my bro. 'Hey, Barney, see that girl?' I asked. And I'll never forget; Barney took one look at her and promptly said, 'Oh yeah. You just _know_ she likes it dirty'."

The guests dutifully break into laughter and Robin turns to Barney. "Is that really what you said?"

"Absolutely," he answers, fully owning it. Then with a wink he tells her, "And I was right."

Her eyes narrow but her lips curve into the same amused smile she always gets whenever he says something that probably should offend her but only makes her love him that much more.

"It's like I always say, Robin. I just have the one rule: always, _always_ marry the girl who likes it dirty." She grins at that, reaching for his hand.

When Ted has finally quoted enough Oscar Wilde and Pablo Neruda to satisfy even his own self, he allows the parched guests to take their drink already and sits back down so that dinner can be served.

The actual dinner is scheduled to last about an hour, and as they all eat and the guests mingle a few stop by the head table to chat with the newly joined Stinsons.

While Robin is busy talking with Katie, Tim Gunn comes up to see her husband. "You looked amazing up there, Barney," he raves. "I told you the suit fit perfectly."

"Yes it does," Barney agrees looking to Robin adoringly because no suit has ever fit him anywhere close to the perfect way that she does and always will.

"And that suit and tie combination is to die for," Tim adds.

"Thanks," Barney answers, amused. The silly nerves and crisis of earlier in the day seem preposterous now. Everything worked out just as it should, and his wife seems impeccably happy with this tie on him even if it might not bring out his eyes quite as brightly. Anyway, he'll wear the cornflower blue one for her privately once they get home from Belize.

After that, Robin draws Barney's attention away to something Katie wants to tell him and the three get engrossed in talking together until Genevieve interrupts and wants to take Robin over to say hi to her great aunt who just made it in a few minutes before the ceremony and hasn't had a chance to speak with her yet.

Barney's about to take another quick bite of the delicious food he and Robin so carefully picked out but have been too busy to properly enjoy when Willliam Zabka slips into her vacated seat. "Hey, Barney."

"Billy," Barney nods pleasantly.

"Listen, bro. I'm really hitting it off with your cousin Leslie. I hope you don't mind."

Barney glances across the tent at the cousin he once accidentally grinded all night with, and she's smiling and looking just as happy as Billy. Their seating arrangement had been entirely by happenstance because they both RSVP'd without dates, but the accidental setup works out perfectly. "No, not at all. I should have thought of it myself. She'd be great for you. She's the only person I know who agrees with me about _The Karate Kid_ – well, at least that Ralph Macchio is a douche."

"She actually called him a pussy!" Billy Zabka spiritedly reveals.

"Even better," Barney laughs.

"That's how she introduced herself. And she doesn't boo or throw popcorn at me. I think there might really be something there."

"That's great, man. We'll have to have you two over some night after we get back from the honeymoon."

Robin returns after that and Billy gives her seat back, and then the two have a few minutes peace in all of the excitement around them.

They'd had a few reservations over what it would be like combining the outlandish and outspoken Stinson and Scherbatsky clans into one small tent, but it's turned out marvelously. Loretta and Genevieve actually have a bit in common and as a result get on well. Loretta also clicked right away with Carol, which helps win her approval in Robin Sr.'s eyes. And Katie and Carly are as thick as thieves like Robin suspected they'd be.

As the dinner hour winds down and their dishes are cleared away, Barney goes to chat with his brother at the table next to theirs. When he returns, he's greeted with the adorable scene of his wife standing beside their empty chairs holding Marvin in her arms and bouncing him up and down to the child's delighted laughter.

"We did it," she tells her little godson. "Your Uncle Barney and I did it. _We're_ _married_. And I'm so happy," she laughs, bouncing him the highest yet, and he squeals with joy making Robin giggle too.

"Cute," Barney smiles, inching up to her and wrapping an arm around her waist. "But you'd better be careful," he warns her. "If you keep at it Marvin might throw up on your wedding dress."

"I don't care if he does," she coos to the child.

"Well that's not fair," Barney pouts playfully. "You said _I_ wasn't allowed to get anything on her dress."

Robin shoots him a slyly flirtatious look. "And we both know with you I was talking about a _different_ bodily fluid."

Barney smirks at that – and he notices that despite her claim she stops bouncing Marvin and in fact promptly hands him back to Lily.

Before they know it, it's 9:30 and time for Barney and Robin's first dance. All the rehearsal pays off and it turns out flawlessly. With tap dancers, glitter cannons, dramatic dips, sexy moves, and intricate choreography to represent the various phases of their journey from friends to falling in love, it blows away their friends and family just as they'd planned and their title as the king and queen of wedding dancing remains intact. Of course they know they'll never be able to top this, but that was the very point. Their own wedding dance _should_ be the best.

They immediately follow that up with the laidback wedding party dance, a tradition that includes the bride and groom but also their groomsmen and bridesmaids – and since they had a small wedding party they throw in the bride's and groom's immediate family as well.

Unlike the last one this dance is completely spontaneous, meant to just be lively and exuberant and a chance to really cut loose, so Robin and Barney wanted a song that was fast and fun. It didn't require any thought at all for them to jointly settle on the perfect song choice: "Groove Is In the Heart".

Despite his assertion of being fun now, all of this diversion and frivolity is still something Robin's dad has to work at. He'd given way on the whole one song thing after being drug out on the dance floor by his wife of nearly a year, but it doesn't take him long to complain about this one. "Must we really dance to this? It's not even a proper song.

Still cutting a rug, Barney jumps in to explain. "Robin and I danced to this song once at another wedding and – "

"_Dig_?" Robin Sr. interrupts to repeat the lyric disgustedly. "What is that? That's not even a word."

Genevieve shakes her head from where she's dancing nearby beside her youngest daughter. "It's just like you, Charles, to ruin the fun for them."

"You know I hate it when you call me that," Robin Sr. sternly retorts.

"Come on, Robbie," Carol cajoles. "No fighting. Besides, I like this song too. We Zumba to it all the time!"

"Oh, do you Zumba?" Loretta chimes in from their other side, dancing with Sam. "I've thought about taking it up." She has an eye at keeping her figure now that she has someone to keep it for.

"It's the best!" Carol gushes. "You should join one of my classes. We could go together."

"Alright, my little Parrot Head," Robin Sr. easily concedes, changing his tone entirely. "I'll dance for _you_." He pulls her to him and she starts tittering.

Katie, sensing her mother's hurt feelings, grabs her hand and pulls Genevieve in closer to her and Carly. "Mom, you can dance with us."

"Yeah, Mrs. Scherbatsky," Carly backs the invitation. "Come chill with us."

"Alright," Genevieve smiles genuinely. "But don't call me 'Mrs.'. I should have changed my name years ago. I'm a single woman now….Perhaps you girls could even hook me up tonight?"

Even twirling in Barney's arms that still grabs Robin's attention and she whips her head around to her mother. "_Really_?" she asks happily.

Genevieve nods and Katie is just as excited for her. "_Alright_, Mom."

"Awesome!" Carly exclaims. "There are lots of older guys at this wedding. I'll even split 'em with you," she so helpfully offers.

"God, Carly," Barney groans. "Are you _still_ dating older men? At least make the cutoff Ted's age."

Carly grins. While she doesn't like her style to be cramped, she secretly enjoys her half-brother's protective nature. "Fine," she agrees in all seriousness. "No one older than fifty."

Robin can't help the laugh that slips out of her and it's matched by Barney's own involuntary sniggers. "Oh that is awesome," she whispers to him. They both steal a glance at the same time across the dance floor to Ted who's dancing with Patrice. "I call dibs!" Robin proclaims in a rush. "_I_ get to tell him she said that."

"Aw man," Barney grumbles, but it'll still be almost as good just witnessing the look on his bro's face when he discovers the conquest he once bragged about actually thinks he's fifteen years older than his thirty-five years.

"I can help find her a date too," J.J. chimes in, not wanting to be left out. "What about Uncle Rick? He's fifty-seven."

"This is grown-up business, J.J.," Cary shoos her young brother off. "You wouldn't understand."

"Hey!" he protests. "I'm in middle school now. Next year I'll be a teenager."

"Carly, be nice to your brother," Cheryl admonishes her.

"That's okay, J.J.," Barney defuses the sibling rivalry, no longer feeling any himself now that he's made peace with Jerry and he has Robin besides. "Let the girls set up Robin's mom. You can help me find someone for the best man."

"Sweet," J.J. nods, automatically raising his hand for a high five. It's only been a couple years but he knows his brother well.

Barney grins and takes one hand off Robin long enough to high five his young bro back.

As the song goes on, Jerry compliments his ex. "Way to bust a move there, Loretta," he says, swinging his own wife around in time to the music.

"Thanks, Jerry," Loretta replies merrily. "You've still got some rock n' roll left in you too I see."

"Oh, this is as wild as it gets for me anymore," Jerome chuckles.

"Us too, I'm happy to say," Sam seconds.

"I don't think you had time to meet yesterday." Loretta makes informal introductions as they all continue to dance and be silly. "Jerry, this is James's father and my boyfriend, Sam. It sounds so weird to say that at my age," she laughs. "Although for me it's weird to say it at any age."

"It sounds good, Mom," James says approvingly.

"To me too," Sam agrees seconds before leaning in to kiss her.

Robin shifts in Barney's arms, dancing back to front – a position Barney doesn't mind at all – to get a better look at James. "How are you doing?" she asks him gently.

"I'm good."

She still can't believe there weren't multiple men, the way James had told it before, and it was actually a torrid and genuine _affair_ – with Gary Blauman of all people – that broke up his marriage. "Barney just told me you're hoping to patch things up with Tom." Under those circumstances of regret and quite possibly being too late to make amends, Robin is rather skeptical of how genuinely her new brother-in-law can actually mean that he's "good".

Reading her doubt, James assures her, "No, I really am…..Tom agreed to meet for drinks when I get back from the wedding."

"That's great, bro," Barney tells him, sincerely pleased on his behalf.

"Hey, Barney," Loretta calls to her youngest son, spinning over with Sam until they're close enough to talk without shouting over the music. "Remember four years ago when I got sick and you brought Robin with you over to the house?"

"Yeah, Mom, I remember."

"You told me you were in love with her, which I could already see, and I was excited at the prospect of one day having a real daughter-in-law. But the moment I suggested that, you turned as white as a ghost and swore you'd never get married. Robin either. You said the whole relationship and commitment thing just wasn't who you two were. And remember what I told you?" Loretta astutely reminds him.

"You didn't believe me." Barney beams because he remembers it exactly – and, boy, did she have it spot on. "You said that things change, and one day you'd be dancing at my wedding."

"Mother knows best," Loretta winks at the pair.

Once the song is over, it's time for the father/daughter dance and, thanks to Barney, Robin gets her wish: a normal dad coming to her wedding and sharing a traditional and normal dance together for a father and his _daughter_, not son. The two of them have the dance floor to themselves for the first minute and a half of the song, and that's more than Robin ever dreamed she'd get. After that, she invites the others guests to join in and soon the dance floor is full.

Once the song is over, all of the official dances are finished and it's time to cut their wedding cake. The photographer poses them just so to immortalize the moment as they prepare to feed each other cake. Barney goes first and he's nice about it, just lightly smearing some coconut icing on his wife's nose so he can kiss it off, which he promptly does.

Robin smiles playfully up at him as he draws back. "That's all you've got, Stinson?"

"You and I both know we've gotten way messier with frosting than this," he replies suggestively. He drops his voice lower to add for her ears only, "That's all I've got in public, but you just wait till you see what I do with that top piece come our first anniversary."

"We're supposed to eat that together," she points out, but he can tell by the look on her face that he's turned her on.

"Oh, we'll eat it together alright," he promises devilishly. "But not off any body parts you can see now….How do you feel about an Old King Clancy with our wedding cake instead of maple syrup?"

"Idiot," Robin laughs, shoving his piece all over his mouth.

Barney just grins, reaching for her waist and pulling her to him. "Come and get. I know that's why you did it. You're just dying to slip me some tongue."

"Hurry," she says with a mischievous light in her eyes as she leans in toward his mouth. "Let me get this piece before it falls on your suit."

"_What_?" he asks in alarm, and she giggles delightedly before setting her lips to his.

And once she's kissing him it makes him forget all about ruined suit coats or ties.

By now it's nearly ten o'clock and there are just two more things left on the schedule before the free and open portion of the night begins: the throwing of the bouquet, and the garter toss – a tradition that's only done at half the weddings anymore but Barney absolutely insisted on anything that allows and even _encourages_ him to publically remove clothing off her body.

The bouquet is thrown first to all the single ladies – only after the band performs a short rendition of "Single Ladies". Barney charms the crowd by knowing the dance by heart, but he's not the only one and the dance floor ends up teeming with "Single Ladies" dancers, Barney playing Beyoncé's role in their center.

After the song Robin tosses her bouquet to them, and to Barney's immense relief Carly catches it. But she's not claiming it. "I'm not thirty yet," she argues to her brother. "You said 'never get married before you're thirty'."

Barney shakes his head. "I was wrong. And, anyway, I said a _guy_ should never get married before he's thirty. It's different for woman."

"What's that now?" Robin asks smartly. "What did your thirty-two year old bride just hear you say?"

"Nothing, baby," he vows, kissing her sweetly.

"That's what I thought."

Once the women go back to their seats, Robin's chair is pulled out to the center of the dance floor for the garter removal. She sits down demurely, aware of everyone's eyes on them, and then Barney is on his knees before her, his hands on her thighs and his face near her lap.

"This is familiar…." he smirks up at her.

Robin gives him a flirtatious smile but warns, "Be good. Our families are watching."

"That just means you'll like it even more," Barney winks, well aware of her enjoyment of the danger of getting caught.

Diving beneath her dress, he kisses her inner thigh, teasing her with his tongue but not nearly as much as he would like to because with her skirt so tight Robin could only put the garter a couple inches about her knee or she would have had to lift her dress up higher than would have been polite in public in order for him to be able to get at it. After toying with her all he can, he successfully removes her garter with his mouth alone, emerging from beneath her dress with it held fast in his teeth.

Smiling, she shakes her head, snatching it from his mouth, and he grins at her cheekily as she places it into his hand. "There's more of that to come," he promises, emphasizing the double entendre of the last word.

When Barney tosses her garter to the single gentlemen, fate intervenes and – low and behold – Ted catches it. "See, Ted," Barney declares, clapping a hand on his back animatedly. "You're gonna find her soon. I've got a good feeling about this."

And with that the waitstaff starts to serve the cake and the general dancing begins.

As Robin and Barney return to their table she moves in close to whisper in his ear, "I have to have a talk with Ted about what happened earlier. I need to make sure he doesn't have the wrong idea."

"Okay," Barney nods, bending to kiss her temple. "I'll guard your cake. But with Lily eating for two now, I don't know how long I can hold her off," he whispers back just as they reach the table.

Lily smiles at her two obviously blissful friends. "What's so funny?" she probes of Robin's sudden laughter.

"Nothing," Robin waves her off. "I'll be right back," she tells Barney, leaning in to kiss him before walking around the small table to Ted. "You wanna dance, best man? I'm the bride so you really can't say no."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Ted says, standing and following her out onto the floor where they begin dancing amicably.

Ten seconds into the dance, Robin takes a deep breath and jumps right in. "Listen, Ted…."

"I know what you're going to say," he stops her. "You want to talk about what happened earlier. That's why you asked me dance."

"Yeah….I was pretty close to out of my mind before," she admits, mortified. "All that stuff I said back there, _please_ just forget it. You know I didn't mean any of it."

"I know you didn't. You had that crazed, deer-in-the-headlights look in your eyes," he ribs her good-naturedly.

Robin shakes her head at herself. "I've had panic attacks before, but never one that bad."

"It makes sense. Hasn't marriage always been your biggest fear?"

"Not my _biggest_ fear. That would be ending up alone, losing Barney," she divulges. "But I'm not worried about that anymore."

"You shouldn't be. Marshall and Lily and I may joke about Barney, but that man's not going anywhere. He worships at the altar of Robin like the rest of us."

"No." Robin shakes her head. "He doesn't worship me. He just…..knows me. He just _loves_ me." That's the thing Ted has never understood. She never wanted to be thought of as some revered deity. She just wanted to be a woman. She just wanted to be _herself_. "I don't want to be worshiped. Well….maybe by the public," she corrects, only half joking. "But not by my husband."

"Isn't that what every woman wants?" Ted asks, genuinely puzzled.

"To be worshiped?" Robin asks. And when Ted nods, earnestly believing that, she pities him a little. Having it _that_ far off, it's no wonder he's had a hard time in the dating world. "No, Ted. That's not what every woman wants. It's not even what _most_ women want. Women want to be understood. We want to be loved for who we are. Not put on a pedestal. No one can measure up to that ideal – and they shouldn't have to. Husbands either. That's what I realized about Barney, and about myself. It's okay to not be perfect. That doesn't make it a risk. That just makes us _human_. And all that two humans need to make a life together is deep, unconditional love – and unconditional honesty too. But none of the rest of it matters, including sense and reason and calculating it all out. Life doesn't make sense and love certainly doesn't. And that's the way it's _supposed_ to be."

"I know. That's what I told you, remember?"

"You did," she acknowledges with a smile. "But I was too crazed and…._terrified_ to hear you." She shakes her head at her own stupidity. "I was definitely not thinking straight. I know I said you should just forget the things I said earlier – and you should – but I have to clear a couple of those things up on Barney's behalf because he didn't deserve what I said and I don't want you to have the wrong impression about him or how I feel for him."

"Okay, but it's really not necessary."

"I know. I just need to say it. Barney has _never_ lied to me about anything important. Surprises can't count; that's just ludicrous. What he did for me at our rehearsal dinner was _amazing_. It was wonderful, and he's done hundreds of other wonderful things for me since I've known him. He's been there and come through for me in ways that nobody else knows. And _that's_ the guy I want. Barney. Every last part of him. That's why I fell in love with Barney, _because_ of who he is," she finally fesses up. "It's true there's a side of him you don't see that he only shows to me. When we're alone together, Barney can be sweet and tender and romantic in a way you guys have never even seen, and it's been that way with us for years. But I also _love_ the side of him you do see. Barney isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. And I _am_ happy with him. That's the bottom line."

Ted can see that she _is_ happy with Barney. It's obvious that she loves him. It's been obvious for some time now if he'd only just opened his eyes that Robin has with Barney the very same thing that Marshall has with Lily. He wishes that _he_ could have that too, but he's genuinely glad that the two of them are able to have that together. "Well, I'm happy for you that you found that. And for what it's worth, I really did mean what _I_ said back there," Ted conveys. "I'm not that same guy I used to be; I've learned my lesson. And I'm _not_ in love with you anymore, Robin. I thought I was for a while there, but….I was just clinging to the ghost of something that died long ago. Truthfully, I was clinging to the ghost of something that never was. I never let myself see all the flaws in our relationship, or in – " Realizing what's about to come out of his mouth, he politely cuts himself off in the nick of time.

"It's okay," Robin laughs. "You can say it, Ted. The flaws in me. I'm flawed. I realize that; I'm okay with it."

"I just wanted – I _still_ want – to get married so badly," Ted tells her. "I want to find the One. And when I couldn't find her, I assigned her to be you. But that was all just a dream, a vision that I had for this perfect girl that never existed. You just happened to come along at the exact right time so I attached all of it to you. I understand that now. It was just the perfect storm," he shrugs. "But you can't force fate. It has to happen on its own if it's going to happen; I understand that now too. I know it was wrong of me to pursue you that hard – and to occasionally go back to it over the years if I had nothing else to cling to – when it was something that was never meant to be for _either_ one of us."

"You were just searching. You just got confused. It's like my aunt used to say."

"The lesbian or the one with the fowling farm?"

Robin sighs. "The lesbian. But she has a name, Ted. You talked to her and Betty for like twenty minutes over dinner."

"Sorry. What did she say?"

"She used to say, 'A dog's gonna bark up the wrong tree plenty of times before he catches the squirrel he's after'."

"What is that? Is that a Canadian thing?" he mocks her. "Should I go get Barney?"

"Very funny. It means that when you're looking for that one right girl you're going to meet plenty of wrong girls first. But that doesn't mean you should just give up. Finding the One _has_ to be the perfect storm. That's why it was a perfect storm for me and you. Not for _us,_ but because you and I had to become friends so that you could introduce me to Barney and then _we_ could become friends and fall in love."

"That perfect storm must be a pretty powerful thing then," Ted allows. "Cause to tell you the truth, Robin, no matter what, I never thought I'd be dancing at _your_ wedding. You know, unless it was our wedding of convenience after you'd turned forty."

"I'm forever grateful to that perfect storm – or fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it." She looks around at her and Barney's reception, at all their friends and family, and there's a glowing warmth of contentment and joy inside of her. "I would have missed out on all this happiness." She almost shudders just to think of it. "And our marriage of convenience…." She gestures back and forth between the two of them. "That would have been _terrible_. Settling is bleak to begin with, but we would have driven each other crazy. I think I would have ended up murdering you with one of your calligraphy pens, and you would have used one of my hidden guns on me."

"True," Ted nods. "In the beginning we nearly killed each other just as roommates."

"Turning all that annoyance into mocking you helped over the years."

Ted smiles. "I know I often seem aggravated with the way you and Barney team up to mock me, but it's actually kind of nice. It's our family dynamic. And you and I, we always worked better as friends, didn't we?"

"We did," she says emphatically. "We _do_…..I mean everything wasn't horrible when we dated. We had a good run of it for who we were back then. But when we got together I was only twenty-five years old. I'd only just moved to New York less than a year ago. I was still figuring myself out, who I was and what I wanted. When you and I were dating we had this great companionship because we were already solid friends. I didn't want to go back to being alone. I liked having you around. I liked having that companionship. So in a way you helped show me there could be a positive side to relationships. And I knew I felt feelings of love toward you. I just got confused and thought those feelings must mean that's what it's like to be head-over-heels _in_ love. I thought that had to be what people were always going on about. I never know how wrong I was until my heart opened up to Barney. Until I fell so _deeply_ in love with him, I had _no_ _idea_ what I was missing. I didn't even know there was anything more – so much more. But now I know what it is to be really, truly, madly in love." She reaches up and tweaks his tie lightly in a friendly gesture. "And I know you may not believe this now, but that's how it will be for you too, Ted. One day you're going to meet a girl who shows _you_ what you've been missing, who makes you understand the 'more' that's out there."

Ted smiles self-deprecatingly. "That's what Klaus said." He's been hearing that a lot lately. Maybe this time he'll actually listen. "He told me that if you have to think about it then you haven't truly felt that one special thing. Because when you do feel it you _know_ it, and you'll know there's never been anything like it for you before."

"He's right," Robin concurs. "Barney's that thing for me," she says, her gaze drifting across the room to him. "And you have yours too, Ted. You just haven't found her yet."

After that the conversation lulls and Ted can tell that she's distracted. He looks over his shoulder to follow where she's looking and discovers with a smile that she's making eyes with Barney back at their table. "You wanna go dance with your husband?" he offers to let her out of their song early.

"Yeah. I really do." She grins, so full of that enviable love that Ted _keenly_ hopes she's right about him finding it too someday.

"Go," he tells her.

And she's across the room to Barney before Ted even knows what's happened.

A minute later, Ted is back at the table having cake with Marshall and Lily, and Barney and Robin are in each other's arms out on the dance floor. They'd both wanted their first dance as husband and wife to impress their guests with their mad, hardcore dance skillz – with a 'z'. But they'd also agreed they wanted to have a second, private and personal "first dance" just for them, a low-key and intimate slow dance they'll always remember. And that's what this moment is for them.

Robin's right hand is in Barney's left one, his right arm is snugly around her waist, and her left hand is up around his shoulder so they can hold each other closely as they dance.

One verse into the song Barney starts laughing softly and Robin looks up at him, enraptured. "What's so funny?" she affectionately asks her new husband.

"I just realized something." He has no idea that back at their table at this very moment the gang has just realized it too. "I'm gonna tell you something I've never told you. I bet no one has, unless Lily spilled." In her overexcitement about all things ooey-gooey and romantic, she might have. "I still have to see the scrapbook she made us, by the way, if simply out of curiosity's sake."

"It's pretty great," Robin can acknowledge now.

"Well, this thing I'm going to tell you that made me laugh….do you remember the first night we met?" he asks her. "Not when I tapped you on the shoulder and introduced you to Ted, but the first night we _really_ met. It was after Ted threw all those parties hoping you'd come, and then you did but you just wanted to be friends so Ted brought you back to MacLaren's to introduce you to the rest of us."

"I remember that night," Robin smiles to him. She couldn't stop the happy smiles gushing out of her now if she tried. "That's when I got my first burn in on you," she teases.

"Yes, you did," Barney warmly grins. "And then you stole my thunder to boot. You took over and played "Have you Met Ted?" without me or my permission. You tried to take over as Ted's new wingman. And you already had Carl in the palm of your hand, taking over my bar. You were like no other girl I'd ever met, and that threw me for a loop."

"Are you kidding me?" she argues nonplussed. "I didn't have an impact on you that night. You couldn't even remember my name. You called me 'Roxanne', and then immediately ridiculed me about being from Canada. And you were the most resistant to the idea of me joining the gang."

"I knew your name," he reveals. "I purposefully called you the wrong thing. The Canada mocking was deliberate too. I wanted you to join the gang; I did but I didn't. Ted was always foisting some girl on us so I was used to it. But I didn't know what to make of you. You were beautiful, hot, and also funny – a lethal combination as it is – and then you were smart as a whip too. I didn't know what to make of a girl like you. You threw me off my game. That's why I had to tease you to gain a little control back – but I also discovered early on that it was _fun_ to tease you. And you started right out by buying us a round which was a definite plus too."

Robin snuggles closer to him, enamored with his confession of his true feelings for her when they first met. "So what's the part I don't know?"

"While you were up at the bar, Lily was busy telling us all how much she liked you and wanted to have another girl in the group. She instantly proclaimed you her new best friend and she wanted to make sure you stayed a part of our lives, so…" he continues in amusement for the events that would follow. "…..She forbid me or Ted from ever sleeping with you, except under one condition."

"Yeah? What was that?" Robin asks with genuine interest.

"She said there was only one way she'd let me have sex with you," he divulges, pausing to build up suspense, "and that was if I married you."

"Ohhh, that's sweet that she said that," Robin gushes, touched. But even more beautiful is the fact that Barney made good on Lily's ultimatum; her premonition came true. "And look; here we are."

"Yes…." Barney echoes, looking down at her with such open, raw feeling. "Here we are."

"But I can just imagine what you must have told her back then," Robin smirks. "You probably went scrambling over the tables to run out of the bar. Wait," she abruptly realizes, "is _that_ why you left early that night?"

Barney nods, gently laughing. "But I came back twenty minutes later."

"You told everyone you'd just banged some girl in the alley."

"Nah," he shakes his head. "There was no girl. I was just running scared out of the bar, like you said. But I was too intrigued to stay away. It's been that way ever since," he says tenderly.

He pulls her in closer still until they're dancing cheek to cheek, and they both close their eyes to savor the moment, smiling softly in absolute contentment.

"You know," she tells him a few moments later, "I was intrigued by you too. I'd never known anyone so charming, and smart, and sharp and clever and quick-witted, and _hilarious_…..And who likes it as dirty as I do," she mischievously admits.

Barney's smile grows and he pulls back to gaze down at her, the look on his face awash with such love and adoration that his wife is this _awesome_. "A mutual appreciation for dirty, kinky sex _is_ the best foundation for a strong marriage," he quips back as he spins them around in the slow dance. "Everyone knows that."

Robin grins, her eyes drifting down to his mouth. "Or if they don't already they will from watching us."

"Yeah they will," he whispers.

She moves her arm to wrap around both his shoulders now, pressing even closer to him. "Barney?"

"Hmm?"

"I think you should kiss me now," she invites alluringly. "And not politely. The kind of kiss we have when no one's watching."

He nods to the floral arrangement beside them. "So you want me to lift you up on that pillar so we can go to town on each other?"

"Something like that," she smiles. "But I'll take just the kissing for now." And with one of his devastating smiles full of love and lust that he's only ever directed her way, he more than makes good on her request.

* * *

><p>Twenty-five minutes later, Barney and Robin have had their cake now too. All the formalities are out of the way. The purely fun part of the reception is in full swing, and they soon find themselves out on the floor again, enjoying another dance together.<p>

Barney's jacket came off about fifteen minutes ago and Robin likes it that way. She can run her hands up and down his arms and feel his biceps through only the softness of his dress shirt – and his forearms through nothing at all since he has his sleeves rolled up. If he lost the tie it would be her second favorite look on him next to completely nude.

While she glides her fingers over him, Barney's hands settle at her hips as they relish this slow song and the nearness it allows. Their other guests are dancing all around them but Barney and Robin are oblivious to anyone else at the moment. They only have eyes for each other, off in their own little world. It's been that way ever since "Sandcastles" started and she began her walk down the aisle to him.

"So," Robin says, nudging a little closer as they dance, "I never got a chance to tell you earlier how excited I am that Swarley is back in play. I always thought that was cute," she tells him impishly.

"Not you too," Barney cries in mock offense. "How would you like it if I start calling you Roland again?"

"But that's not cute," she reasons.

He considers that a second and she finds the little furrow between his eyebrows the most adorable thing. "Alright then. Sparkles," he decides mischievously. "How would you like it if I start calling you that?"

She giggles at the lack of merit in his argument. "You _have_ called me that, a few times."

"Yeah, but you don't hate it." He spins them around in the dance, moving her body even closer to his. "I think you secretly like it," he whispers cheekily.

Robin merely smiles because he has her there. But she's got his number too. "You don't hate Swarley either."

Barney gasps. "What? How can you – are you kidding? Yes I do."

"No. You don't. Not really. You just don't like being teased."

He ponders that and realizes she's right. It's a stupid name but nothing offensive. He just didn't like being made to feel the butt of the joke, and Robin was perceptive enough to understand his indignation over it before he even did. Still, he's Barney Stinson and now fully awesome. It's been a _long_ journey to get that way and he'd like to be called by his given name, thank you very much.

"Unless it's a certain kind of teasing," Robin amends, leaning in close to set her mouth against his jawline. "_Swarley_…." she breathes hot and drawn-out and sexy, licking the shell of his ear. He shivers and his grip on her hips tightens. "See, you like it," she smiles.

"I like your tongue," he insists.

"Swarley," she repeats in an even deeper tone, reaching around and allowing the fingers of one hand to cup and then squeeze his butt cheek.

His hips jerk into hers. "I like your hands too," he offers by way of explanation, his voice noticeably lower now too.

Robin grins slyly. "It just proves you could be into it….._Swaarley_," she purrs seductively, sliding her hand down his chest and abs to play naughtily at the waistband of his pants, enjoying teasing him this way.

"Minx," Barney murmurs, smiling softly down at her with _that_ look again, the one that's half love and half lust and always makes her melt. "We've been married for almost four hours and I haven't got to touch you yet."

"You will," she promises amorously, slipping one finger into his pants to graze his lower abdomen.

He groans at the exquisite torture of it. "Since we have a reception _tent_, there isn't even a bathroom stall we can slip into except inside the hotel…..And once I take you inside the hotel we are not coming out until it's time to catch our plane – and you'll be naked as soon as the door to our honeymoon suite closes."

Barney's expression darkens and Robin feels her blood heating and her heart beating faster at all the things that look promises are soon to come – most of all her. "Can I call you Swarley tonight while we're having sex?" she can't resist teasing him again.

"You do and I'll stop."

"I doubt that," she laughs.

His eyebrow shots up. "Are you proposing a challenge?"

They have had challenges like that before, jinx swears and seeing who can make the other cry out first, but not tonight. "No," she shakes her head. "I'll only be calling out your name tonight. Again and again," she enticingly vows.

"Mmm," he hums flirtatiously and bends down to kiss her with more passion – and tongue – then they probably should be exhibiting in front of friends and family.

When they break apart a few moments later, Robin smiles. "But on the honeymoon, all bets are off." His features twist into exaggerated pseudo hurt and she laughs delightedly. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding," she assures him, wrapping her arms around her husband and pulling him even closer until they're in full body contact.

And now it's Barney who reaches down to cup _her_ butt and cop a feel.

* * *

><p>Another fifteen minutes later, between some light mingling with their guests, Robin and Barney are out on the dance floor again. They've been nearly inseparable since the ceremony and this time they're enjoying breaking it down to a more upbeat, lively song. Barney's shimmying his hips in time to Robin's when who should he notice but the woman from the drugstore, the one who set him straight and gave him the confidence to pursue Robin again. Not only is she at their wedding reception, she's up on stage.<p>

"Robin, Robin!" he exclaims excitedly. "See that woman over there, the bass player in our band?" Robin turns and looks at her as Barney goes on. "_That's_ the woman from my story on the night when I never brought you the samosas….Can you believe it?"

"No," she replies, astonished. "I can't believe it. Barney, _I_ ran into her when I was freaking out before the wedding. She told me to take three deep breaths, and that's how I started to calm down and think back on our relationship and realize what an idiot I was being. And then I opened my eyes and saw you there."

"We've got to tell her," he decides instantly. "I have to show her you're the girl I was talking about and that we're married now."

"Yes," Robin agrees, nodding.

Neither one of them wants to make a big scene of it and they're still having too much fun dancing together to stop, so Barney turns a little toward the stage but they keep moving in time to the music as he gets the bass player's attention. He's so euphoric about it, it makes Robin grin and feel the same way.

"Remember when you told me to stop messing around and go get the girl?" Barney tells the bass player. "Well, check it." Turning back to his wife, he raises his arms out over her proudly and Robin smirks and plays along, going all gangsta like Barney and pointing to herself too. "I got her!" he proclaims victoriously.

Robin laughs and she and Barney continue sort of half-dancing while he further questions their mystery lady. Robin is looking around, further committing this night to memory, when Barney suddenly has the epiphany that he should introduce this girl to Ted.

She broke up with her boyfriend. They're both out there looking. This woman's obviously smart and perceptive, and empathic too. She seems like she'd be perfect for Ted. Barney hollers out in enthusiasm over what he's just realized, and then turns back to Robin in a rush. "Excuse me a minute. I've gotta go tell Ted something!"

He runs across the dance floor to their table and Robin slowly heads back too, mingling with some of their guests along the way. She joins him at their table just in time to hear Barney attempting to hook Ted up with the bass player, and it _does_ seem like a good idea to her too. She smiles while in typical Barney fashion her husband goes on about all the sex Ted could have with the bass player, using _that_ as his arguing point, when Ted cuts him off, informing them that it's time for him to go.

That's sobering knowledge for Barney. He'd tried to shove it to the back of his mind, simply not thinking about the fact that Ted will soon be leaving. But now it's upon them. This is their last goodbye before he moves away, and it really hits Barney in this moment that this is it. He glances over to Robin – and she can see the pain clearly in his eyes – before he looks down a second, reeling. "We – we have to do this outside." They can't have this play out in the noise and music and crowd of the tent.

Robin's expression turns somber as he hurries past her back up to the hotel. She knows how tough this is going to be for all of them but Barney especially, and she takes her skirt into her hands, following after her husband.

They all end up out on the hotel's back porch, its awning offering a covering from the rain falling around them. Ted announces his desire to say goodbye to them one by one, and he starts out with Robin.

When he tells her it's been a "major pleasure" she knows they have to do their customary salute this one last time, and then she instructs him to come give her a hug goodbye. Meeting Ted that night in MacLaren's all those years ago changed her life. If it hadn't been for Ted, she never would have become friends with Barney. They wouldn't have fallen in love or be married today. And for that she's forever grateful to him.

"Congratulations," he tells her as they hug, and Robin whispers back, "Thank you", not only for the wedding salutations but, more importantly, for what he did – or actually _didn't_ do – earlier today, for knowing what was really in her heart and trying to talk sense into her even if she ultimately had to find that courage in herself.

Barney stands back and watches as Ted says goodbye to all the others, saving him for last. Lily starts to cry and her tears get Robin going too. Barney can understand why. This is the end of an era. Who knows if Ted will ever come back to New York? And it's not just Ted. Marshall and Lily will be gone for a year too. The gang is breaking up, temporarily anyway. Lily and Marshall will be back next summer and their portion of the gang will be reunited, but it's going to be like two couples now – which is great, but it will never again be quite the same without Ted there too.

Barney laughs over Ted and Lily's creepy E.T. goodbye, and then his bro is standing before him and they pull each other into a hug. It was decided years ago that they're more than mere bros; they're actual _brothers_ now, and this is tough. But he can understand why Ted might feel like a fresh start away from this city is the thing to do for now. Still, he hopes that Ted will come back eventually – maybe even with a wife in tow, and then they can _both_ have their dream.

They ease out of the hug, merely looking at each other for a silent moment, because what is there to say, really?

Ted smiles nostalgically. "We licked the Liberty Bell."

Barney only has a vague recollection of that night. He definitely remembers the flying to Philly part of it, but it was almost eight years ago and he was likely pretty drunk at that point so by now he's forgotten some of the particulars of the actual licking of the bell portion of the evening.

Ted can't believe this important memory is now kind of a blur for him, but as Barney points out, "Ah, I've done a lot of cool stuff, Ted." And Ted's never lived up to the level of awesomeness that he and Robin have achieved; Barney remembers every second of _their_ relationship and hijinks together.

But then it hits Barney that Ted's absence will leave a very distinct slot of his social life unfulfilled. He and Robin have always had the best adventures and they'll continue to do so, but without Ted around there will be no one to share bro-ish high fives. He tells them so and Ted laughs. "No, no. I'm being serious. What if I see a pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus?"

Marshall has his arms around both Lily _and_ Robin now, and in the comfort of Marshall's half-hug and the warmth of the moment Robin just has to laugh at her husband's familiar antics. This actually makes it all better for her, easier. Because while this era may be ending, the new one they're entering into is going to be _amazing_ too in a whole host of new ways.

"Or, better yet, what if I see boobs?" Barney continues. "What am I gonna – who am I gonna high five then?" Occasionally he and Robin notice a chick with a massive rack. And if it's a _really_ gargantuan rack, Robin is sometimes the first to point it out. She'll high-five him at the feat of having witnessed the rare sight, like they did with their wedding planner, but he knows she doesn't fully appreciate it the way a guy would. While she's fully aware that looking is just looking and she'll check out a hot guy too, Robin can't feel the true enthusiasm for his noticing impressive boobs any more than he can feel it when she and Lily check out a cute guy in tight pants with a bulging package. It's just not the same reaction.

Ted points out that he can always still high-five Marshall, and Barney agrees but he laments that it's just not the same since Marshall only wants to high-five about _Lily's_ boobs. Robin smiles at her husband's comment because he is, as usual, spot on in analyzing the group. Not that Marshall doesn't notice other women's boobs – she's _seen_ him notice other boobs – but he feels too guilty high-fiving over the sight of them.

Robin laughs at the funniness of Marshall and Barney sharing a Lily_-_boob high five right now, but then it gets serious when Barney _and Ted_ decide to do one last high five to echo throughout all eternity.

The idea straightaway gets ahold of Barney as all awesome ideas do. Within this high five will be all the high fives they've ever high-fived and all the high fives they could ever possibly high-five. It's the perfect way to say goodbye. A high infinity, Barney names it.

They back up to get a running start at it, as this is some serious business – they're going to _Ghostbusters_ this thing – and from her place watching beside Marshall and Lily, Robin cringes at the building force of it, knowing this is going to hurt.

And it does.

Enough that it knocks them both down.

She immediately goes to help her fallen husband and once Robin's got him back up on his feet – and after one last group hug that Barney insists upon – she brings him back to the tent, Lily brings Ted, and they bothend up wrapping and icing their injured hands.

Naturally, they proclaim it was worth it.

But after five minutes, Ted really does have to go if he's going to catch his train back into the city, so he and Barney say another quick goodbye and then Ted heads out alone into the night.

Robin had been talking with her dad and Carol while Barney and Ted iced their hands, but she noticed Ted getting up to leave and she immediately excused herself to go rejoin Barney.

Walking up to him where he's standing near their table, now alone and looking off toward the empty entrance to the tent, she can tell he's feeling Ted's loss. "Hey," she says gently, reaching up to stroke his shoulders. "You've still got me."

And because of the profound truth of that statement Barney is able to effortlessly shake off his wistfulness over Ted and focus all his attention on his new wife. "Yes. Yes, I do," he affectionately agrees, drawing her in for a soft kiss. "And that means I have everything."

Robin smiles. "Dance with me again?"

"Just try and stop me," he responds playfully, taking her hand and leading them back out onto the dance floor.

By now the reception has been in full swing for over an hour and things are starting to get more free and wild. It's impossible _not_ to feel that way. Drinks are flowing, twinkle lights are everywhere, and there's the sound of the gentle rain hitting the tent as an accompaniment to the live music. The whole atmosphere feels captivating and magical. People all around the tent are giving in to that spirit, and Barney and Robin do too.

A few minutes in and they're dancing intimately now with hardly a slice of air between them, and she's long since given up on keeping the flimsy lace of her dress up on her shoulders. Robin is semi-straddling Barney's thigh as much as her dress will allow and they're both shimmying their shoulders and chest as they bop up and down to the music, bringing their pelvises together then apart then together again. She turns around in his arms and he sets his hands low on her hips, shifting even closer up behind her so they're in full body contact as they grind together.

After a several seconds of dancing this way it's all too tempting and Barney slides one hand up to her chest, then the other follows until he's cupping both her breasts from behind.

"Barney," Robin scolds, but her voice is breathless and amused. "We're in public."

"It's okay. We're married. These are _our_ boobs now."

She lets out a throaty laugh. "Maybe, but you can't enjoy them in a room full of people."

Contradicting that, he gives her breasts a gentle squeeze and his hips nudge into her involuntarily. "I thought you liked that risk."

"I do," she ardently confirms. "I like the element of danger. But you have to at least _try_ not to get caught. This way there isn't any suspense; we just know they'll see," she explains, placing her hands over his.

"You're right, you're right," he agrees, nuzzling his lips against her neck. "I'm being inappropriate." But he can't resist rubbing his thumbs in circles over her nipples before he removes his hands.

His caress draws a soft little mewing sound from Robin and she instantly feels the loss of his touch…..and it's late, and it's _their_ wedding – and who cares if everyone sees. Turning around to face him, she whispers eagerly, "Inappropriate is underrated."

And then they're kissing, but just as his tongue is plunging into her mouth, Katie comes up and interrupts them.

"Sorry," she smirks. "I wanted to say goodbye before you really start going at it."

Robin turns to her sister. "Are you leaving?"

"Early flight?" Barney wonders.

"No, I'm here all week. Your sister and I are gonna have some fun," Katie asserts with a wink. "Let's just say right now I'm about to go upstairs with a 'friend' I recently met."

"Who?" Robin asks, questioning who her sister is about to hookup with.

Katie points him out, one of Barney's more handsome young co-workers, readily waiting near her table. Katie no longer has bad taste in men it seems. Nevertheless, Robin looks to Barney to weigh his opinion on the man she doesn't know very well.

Barney nods to her that it's okay. Matt's an alright guy. He's not one of those involved in GNB's dirty dealings so he'll survive the sting, and Katie's going back to Canada anyway. He's not a bad choice for a one-night stand partner.

"Okay, well….have fun, I guess," Robin says awkwardly, still finding it a little uncomfortable to view her significantly younger sister as a sexual being on the same level as her or Lily.

"I will," Katie answers assuredly, nodding over to Matt. "Oh and hey, Mom got three numbers tonight. Canadians too! From Barney's side of the family."

"That's great." It really is. Robin seriously hopes this is a turning point for their mom and she can finally start to move on now after twenty years.

Once Katie's gone, Barney and Robin go back to dancing again for another few minutes until it's 11:45, the _real_ magic time.

Already a few guests have been up on stage to sing with the band, Carol being one of them; she sang "Cheeseburger in Paradise" per Robin's dad's request. But now it's her turn – and Barney doesn't know a thing about it.

He is going to _die_.

"I have a special surprise for you for the end of our reception," she tells him excitedly.

"Hmm, I bet you do," he hums, wrapping his arms around her. "I have some surprises for you too, but I was gonna wait till we got up to our room."

"No, not that. It's nothing sexual. Well, to anyone but you."

That has his curiosity piqued, especially as she eases back out of his arms and draws his attention up towards the band.

"Just keep your eyes on the stage," she instructs. And with an affectionate smile, she adds, "This is all for you, Barney."

He watches her walk up on stage to join the band. The keyboardist hands her something that he helps her put on, but they're doing it all behind the other two male guitar players so it obscures his view. Then the band starts the familiar music and Robin takes center stage, mic in hand, now wearing the Robin Sparkles jean jacket over her wedding gown. "Let's go to the mall, everybody!" she proclaims enthusiastically.

For a second Barney is dumbstruck, staring with wide eyes. "Oh my god…Is this really happening?"

Looking straight at him with a teasing little grin, Robin begins singing the opening line, "Come on Jessica, come on Tori", and he squeals with delight.

"This is really happening..._This is happening!"_ Barney exclaims, clapping his hands elatedly, his eyes positively glued to the stage.

Robin keeps singing, directing the song right to him – always her number one fan. "Let's go to the mall, you won't be sorry," she pronounces with an extra-exaggerated Canadian accent for his benefit.

At this point the other guests, specifically those from Canada, are all getting into the performance too, lining the edge of the stage and cheering.

Barney looks around a moment at the gathering crowd and in his excitement tells everyone and no one in particular, "This is the first live Robin Sparkles performance since 1996!" He doesn't count the Hoser Hut with "The Beaver Song". That was more _Space Teens_ than straight-up Robin Sparkles in his opinion, and what's more, she steadfastly refused to _ever_ perform "Let's Go to the Mall" again – until today.

"At the mall, having fun is what it's all about," she continues, again singing 'about' with the overly-embellished pronunciation, her gaze pinned on her husband who catcalls up at the stage in appreciation.

When she gets to the chorus everyone starts singing along, and it is the most awesome thing Barney has ever witnessed. He's married to a superstar.

But Robin's not even done with the surprises yet. Her attention becomes especially focused on Barney when she gets to "There's this boy I like, met him at the food court" line. Because as she sings, "It'll be just him and me", right on cue her robot sidekick – decked out in a tux and bowtie to celebrate the occasion – comes wheeling out from behind the white gauze curtain at the back of the stage commanding, "But don't forget the robot."

Barney laughs boisterously. "Of course! The robot _had_ to be here!" he mimics their words the first time they watched "Sandcastles" together.

The song comes back around to the chorus and now Robin calls _him_ up to join her on stage, which he literally runs to do, just in time for the rap. "I went to the mall with a couple of friends. I had a whole week's allowance to spend." Watching Robin rap – and this time live and all gangsta like they were when he introduced her to the bass player – is still a highlight of his life.

Sidling up to him, she raps, "I want hoop earrings and a Benetton shirt", and then points the mic at him. Naturally, Barney knows all the words – a fact that Robin's well aware of – and he flawlessly finishes, "We came here to shop and we came here to flirt!"

They sing the rest of the rap together – living Barney's dream of a joint Sparkles/Stinson performance – ending with notable gusto on, "So I had to get down and bust a crazy move!", both doing exactly that.

And when they get to the final chorus, Barney sings louder than anyone: "Everybody come and play. Throw every last care away. Let's go to the mall today!" Robin repeats the "Today, to-da-ay!" part until the band fades out and the crowd goes wild, including the robot who spins in circles.

Barney grabs the mic from her and shouts, "That's my wife, everyone! That is _my_ wife!", all but bursting with pride.

Robin looks over at him, the way he's smiling at her widely with such love, and she knows in that moment that her life is complete, and there's not a thing in this world she wouldn't do for more of that smile.

"Baby," he says, still ecstatic, "let's sing "Sandcastles" now. We can do it as duet."

"That's not happening," she laughs.

"Come on, _please_," he begs.

"Maybe I'll give you a private performance later," she smiles, bringing her arms up around his neck. "Speaking of," Robin whispers, her fingers playing at the nape of his neck. "I think it's time for the wedding night to begin…."

Barney's lips curve into his sex-heavy smile. "_Yes_ it is," he wholeheartedly agrees.

They say a quick goodbye to Marshall and Lily, who are thrilled they got a sitter for Marvin for the rest of the night and were able to stay at the reception late enough to witness the impromptu Robin Sparkles performance, and then Barney and Robin head back to the hotel.

It's just about midnight as they walk into the elevator, and even with his suit jacket draped over one of his arms they're still both around her as soon as the elevator doors close.

"So…..wedding's done," Robin notes. "Reception's done…..Now the rest of forever."

Barney lifts an eyebrow at her in that sexy way that only he can. "Well, our wedding night's first."

"Yes," she purrs, nestling into him. "Definitely the wedding night. And the honeymoon too."

"The most _legendary_ honeymoon," he modifies. "And then the rest of forever." He leans in and kisses her, the elevator doors open, and their honeymoon suite is just down the hall.

Once back inside their room, they see the scattered objects lying about – shoes here, a purse there, the closet still full of their clothes – and they realize just how pressed for time they'll be in the morning trying to gather it all up. Ranjit has to drive them back into the city – a two hour trip – to catch their flight, so they won't have much time at all tomorrow.

It dawns on Robin to call up a maid from housekeeping to help them pack right now rather than deal with it in the morning….when they'll have _other_ things on their minds. They've already agreed that once the wedding night begins sun, sand, and sex is all they want to think about until they get back from the honeymoon.

Curtis answers her call and sends a maid and porter up pronto. While the two Farhampton Inn employees start dealing with that, Barney tells her, "Hey, Robin. While we're waiting I'm gonna write my last blog entries. I want to finish it before the honeymoon." He's already told her of his intentions to retire from the blogosphere.

"Okay, baby," Robin answers, preoccupied with slipping out of her heels and beginning to remove all of her jewelry to get ready for tonight; she doesn't want a thing between her skin and Barney's lips.

Barney quickly fires off an entry about his and Ted's epic high-infinity – because the last story with his bro has to live on, and high-fiving is always crucial knowledge for the masses anyway. Then he writes his final ado, putting his blog to bed for good so that he can join his new wife in bed – what up. _I simply no longer have the time to help salvage your sad lives, what with all my duties as a newly married man_, he writes._ To be clear, I'm talking about banging my hot wife – something none of you losers are likely to ever achieve….but you know, keep fighting the fight and all that!_

A few minutes later, Robin – who's been overseeing much of the packing process, making sure everything gets in and none of Barney's suits get wrinkled – comes up behind him and sets her chin to his shoulder. She has just enough time to read the line, _After this sabbrotical I might consider posting again, though the content will most likely center around being the most awesome and supportive husband one can be_, before he hits the post button and the screen refreshes. She'll have to read the rest of his farewell entry some other time, but that one line was sweet enough to inspire the soft kiss she presses to his neck.

It feels amazing to Barney, wrapping up this chapter of his life with Robin's arms around him, pressing up against him from behind, soft and warm and smelling incredible. And she's let her hair down now too; he can feel it brushing against his neck.

"You're typing seemed fine," she remarks. "Does that mean your hand's better?

"It's been an hour," he nods, closing up the laptop and turning in his chair to face her. "I can't even feel it anymore."

"Good, cause I've got plans for those hands," she smirks.

Barney brings his mouth to hers but is mindful of the hotel staff still in the room so he reins it in, easing back, and Robin sits down beside him at the table, helping him unwind the bandage from his hand.

A minute later the maid closes up the closet, announcing she's packed the last of their things, and the porter picks up that final bag to carry it downstairs. Barney tips them both and the porter goes on his way.

"Congratulations, again," the maid tells them as she too is heading for the door.

Now standing beside Barney, Robin replies, "Thank you" – politely, but with an air of speeding this along; they're both impatient for it to be just the two of them.

"Oh," the maid stops in the open doorway, remembering. "Will your husband be needing any more ice for his hand?"

It sends a little thrill through Robin to hear someone openly refer to him as her husband. Her eyes connect with Barney's as she answers, "My husband is just fine, thank you." And they smile at each other like crazy, lost in their own world.

Wisely, the maid knows when it's time to go – and she slips the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the outside of their doorknob as she leaves.

Now that they're alone, Barney instantly reaches for her. "That's the first time you've called me that. Say it again."

Robin smiles softly. "Barney Stinson is _my_ husband. I'm never going to get tired of saying that. By the end of our honeymoon you'll be sick of the word."

"Never," he swears, reaching down and taking her hand. "Not coming from you."

She feels the ring on his finger and looks down at his hand. "We're married." Even though it's been five hours and they've been drinking and dancing and celebrating that fact, it's still just beginning to sink in, the full reality of it.

"We're married," he echoes in a whisper, leaning in to kiss her.

She smiles invitingly as she eases back from the kiss. "Our wedding night is gonna be legendary."

"Legendary and then some. I've got some things in mind….." he suggestively discloses, and she hums soft and low in anticipation, playing with his tie. "You're gonna love the new position I've found, appropriately called Tying the Knot.

"Only you would find a special wedding night sex position," Robin laughs affectionately, pulling him closer.

Barney welcomes the increased contact, sliding his hands down to her hips. "Only you would appreciate that in a husband."

She just smirks, raising an eyebrow at him encouragingly as her eyes drift to his mouth, and he wants her so badly he can barely control himself. What he'd like to do is pull up her dress and just pin her against the wall right now, but it's important to him that he does right by her, does justice to the occasion and to all that a woman's wedding night should be, so he's trying to be romantic about it and ease them into it.

"But the first time, we go traditional. I want it to be perfect," he tells her sincerely.

Robin can tell he truly means it – and that explains why he hadn't tried harder to jump her during the reception or back at the church during that first hour or so post-ceremony. She's well aware he would have liked to get to the consummating immediately; he's told her as much since they first got engaged. This change of heart is all for her, and it's a sweet sentiment. "I love you." Cupping his face, she kisses him tenderly. "Who would've thought it? Barney Stinson is a softie."

"There is nothing soft about me, which you'll soon see," he promises amorously.

"Will I?" she whispers, an unmistakable invitation.

And, by her, he never has to be asked twice. Bending, he pulls her into a kiss that quickly grows passionate. For several moments they just give in to tongue-tangling, enthusiastic making out like on their very first night together when watching her video led to fervently kissing on her couch. Barney eventually escalates things by moving his mouth down to her neck, easily her most erogenous non X-rated zone. With his kisses and soft bites at her neck Robin is soon murmuring his name and can't take this slow pace anymore. She tugs at his tie, getting it off with practiced ease, and as he kisses across her collarbone she starts on the buttons of his shirt. She has it undone in no time and slides it off his shoulders while he simultaneously toes off his shoes to help the undressing process along. By the time he brings his mouth back to hers she's running her hands across his chest, pausing to play at his nipple, her fingernail toying with his piercing bar, eliciting a low gruff sound from his throat.

Barney's hands sliding over her bare back feel so good they make Robin all the more eager to get them both naked as soon as possible and her hands are at his waist unfastening his pants in record time. She pushes them down his hips and they pool at his ankles where he swiftly kicks them out of the way as his mouth trails down her chest in a string of open-mouthed kisses. He absolutely has the same idea as his wife, but all of his attempts to pull and tug at her dress have come up unsuccessful. When his mouth meets fabric at the swell of her breast instead of her soft warm skin his impatience reaches its limit.

"How the hell do I get you out of this thing?" he asks desperately, and her soft laugh vibrates against his lips.

"I have to slip the sleeves off and then there's a hidden zipper in the back."

She turns around to make it easier for him, and just like that he has the dress unzipped and she's stepping out of it. His first concern before they get to anything else is preserving her wedding dress because although she puts on a show of being unsentimental he knows how much it means to her. Only after carefully laying it over the footstool does he turn back around to look at her and delight in all that skin he's just uncovered.

Robin's facing him now too, in nothing but her underwear, and she never fails to take Barney's breath away. Since she's topless he naturally gravitates toward her breasts, touching her there with both hands, and she winds her arms around his shoulders, kissing him as he fondles her. With her lips back against his, her tongue teasing his mouth, one of his hands leaves her breast to slide down her side, pulling her leg up to his waist and caressing her thigh.

"Touch me with your left hand," Robin eagerly requests. "I can feel your ring on me that way." And she moans appreciatively when he complies. "I _love_ it, feeling it and knowing you're mine."

"I've been yours since that first night you sat down next to me in the booth and teased me," Barney reveals. "From that very first time you laughed and looked into my eyes, you owned me."

She pulls him down to kiss her again and he works over her mouth exhaustively before moving his lips back down to her neck, focusing on that one place just beneath her earlobe where her jaw and ear and neck meet that drives her crazy. As he kisses her there, he moves his hand around to her abdomen, his fingers playing across her skin. He slips just one finger a centimeter beneath the waistband of her panties and she shivers, her knees weakening with lust, because Barney touching her is _that_ good.

"Let's move over to the bed. I don't know how much longer I can keep standing when you're doing that," she admits. He readily obliges, following her across the room. While he's ditching his socks and boxer briefs, Robin lies down on the king-size bed and takes a moment to just admire his nudity.

Fittingly, Barney is doing the exact same thing with her. She looks beautiful lying there on the bed wearing white lace panties like the bride she is. _His_ bride – and that's the most intoxicating turn-on he's ever experienced in his life. "I can't believe I'm this lucky that I get to have _you_ for my wife," he marvels as he comes to join her on the bed. "If fifteen-year-old Barney with his magic tricks and Dungeons and Dragons porn knew that one day you would be his wife, he would have died. Spontaneous combustion. That would have been it," he quips.

Robin softly giggles, drawing him down to her, and he sets his hands at her waist. "Fourteen-year-old Robin dreamed of a husband with a sick mullet all the way down to his shoulder pads." She grins, lacing her fingers up into the back of his hair and griping the short strands. "You don't exactly have that part of it."

"Thank god. My hair is amazing and you know it," he teases playfully.

"Oh it is. _Much_ better than a mullet. And you're my sophisticated, big city man through and through. Everything teenage Robin wanted."

"And what about adult Robin?"

She smiles enticingly. "To start, adult Robin wants you right about here," she says, running a finger down her throat.

Grinning, Barney's mouth is there in an instant, kissing and sucking at her skin, biting her and not caring if he leaves a mark because this is their wedding night and if ever there's a sanctioned time when he's allowed to leave love bites on her it's now. Anyway, with her fingers tightly gripping his arms he knows she's enjoying it far too much to stop – and so is he. He loves working her up this way, getting her wanting and restless and yearning before he thoroughly fulfills that need. She whimpers softly at the ache he's creating, needing him to touch her, and he gives her what she wants, reaching down to cup her crotch through the lace of her panties.

He lifts his face from her throat to look down her body – her _insanely_ hot body – to where he's touching. His fingers slide over the thin lace reflexively and he shakes his head in awe. "I can't believe this is mine for all eternity. _I'm_ the only one who gets to play here."

"You are," she promises, breathless at what his hand is doing.

He hooks his fingers into the edge of her panties and she lifts her hips to help him slip them down and off her ankles. Then he's cupping her again, touching her now bare. "Mine," he whispers low and gruff, on the edge of a sigh.

"Then make it yours, Barney," she blatantly requests, incredibly turned on and squirming impatiently beneath the talented strokes of his fingers.

"I'll make _you_ mine."

Robin flashes her ring, smiling. "You already did."

Barney smiles back, bending to kiss her lips again, and for several seconds he simply enjoys her mouth. But he knows what she wants – it's what they both want – and he lowers his mouth back to her neck, making his way down her body. Robin's hands find their way into his hair as he loves on her breasts, and then he's brushing his lips down her stomach, his tongue slipping into her belly button to fire off all her nerve endings. He pays special attention to that spot low on her abdomen, just above her pelvis, that seems to have a direct tie to some internal pressure/pleasure point as it always drives her _wild_. When his head is at last between her legs he just looks at her a moment, lets out a voracious half-growl, half-sigh and then eagerly lowers his mouth to kiss and lick her intimately.

"I love the way you taste," he murmurs against her, and his warm breath and the added vibration of his lips moving over her most sensitive parts as he talks makes her moan and clutch at his shoulders. "You're sweet, and just…._Robin_," he struggles to define it. "There's no other flavor like it on earth," he groans insatiably, diving back in to kiss her some more.

He has a passion for going down on her; that's something Robin learned early on in their first relationship. And he is _unbelievably _good at it. That should have been Robin's one rule. If Barney's number one rule is to always marry the girl who likes it dirty, her number one rule is to always marry the guy who's incredible at giving you oral sex _and_ actually enjoys it almost as much as you do. But soon he makes her forget any thoughts at all other than the pleasure swirling through her core, and then she's crying out and coming hard against his tongue.

He drops a few more gentle kisses to her, and even as he pulls himself back up her body he keeps his fingers there, massaging her, wanting to keep the rush going for her. "Come here," Robin whispers breathlessly as she reaches down his abdomen. "Let me feel what's _mine_." She takes him into her hand and starts stroking, humming appreciatively. "Mmm….I've got a lot to call mine."

She cups his testicles with one hand, still stroking Lil' Barney with the other, and the hungry look on her face is almost as pleasurable to him as what she's doing with her hands, though he hardly knows how because what her hands are doing is fairly epic.

"….And he likes me. A lot. I can feel it," Robin softly purrs. She loves the way Barney responds to her. It's always been one of her favorite things about sex with him, the way that even with all of his experience he can't ever get enough of _her_ the same way that she can't get ever enough of him.

Barney grits his teeth, fighting against the sensations threatening to overwhelm him. "Not yet. Not this time," he struggles to say. "I want to consummate our marriage properly, not into your hand…."

But she keeps stroking him anyway, wanting to give him the same pleasure he just gave her, and she feels his fingers that are still caressing her lose their purposeful rhythm. Robin knows she has him under her spell and she moves her other hand up to wrap them both around his shaft now as she continues her strokes.

"Uhhhh, _Robin_," he groans. "Damn, that's hot….." She smiles because she loves bringing him to the edge this way, loves his sex voice – all deep and thick and lost in it – and she keeps fondling him, kissing his neck at the same time.

When she scrapes her teeth over his throat Barney has to reach down and stop her lest it all end now. "Dear lord that is _hot_, Robin. But I have a whole lifetime of jizzing in your hands to look forward to."

"Aww, you're such a romantic," she laughs softly.

He laughs along with her, bringing her hands up to the safety of his waist and then wrapping his arms around her. "Tonight, this first time, we do this right." Barney lowers his mouth back to Robin's and kisses her passionately. His hands slide along her sides down to her inner thighs and she opens her legs for him. He positions himself between them but stops short of anything further.

Drawing back from their kiss, he watches her eyes as he holds himself and brushes Lil' Barney against her, gliding over the most magical ladies bits he's ever known but not penetrating, instead teasing her until she's trembling and aching and desperate for him.

She knows he's playing with her, and watching him watch her – the look in his eyes – even _that_ is indescribably sexy. She doesn't even care; she'll be the first to beg for it. "_Barney_….." she gasps, almost frantic with need.

"Now are you sure about this, Robin?" he continues to tease her devilishly, driving up her desire for him. "Cause once we do this, there's no going back. Chance of annulment is gone. You'll be stuck with me."

Robin shakes her head and smiles softly up at him. "Shut up and get inside me."

Barney grins. "My wife, bossing me around already." He drops a long, nibbling kiss to her lips. "But that's the sexiest command. And I'm delighted to fulfil it." With that, he buries himself all the way inside her, filling her to their answering sounds of approval.

"Ahhh, that is _so_ good," Robin whimpers.

"Never gets old," Barney murmurs in agreement.

Her arms are already around his shoulders and she drapes both her legs up over his waist, wrapping her body all around him. Now completely one, they look into each other's eyes a moment and he sets his forehead down against hers, both breathing a soft sigh. "We're officially married," he whispers. "In every sense of the word."

"Mm-hmm," she answers happily, and her hips involuntarily wriggle a little. "Husband and wife." Saying the words elicits a single reflexive thrust followed by soft grinding against him.

Barney smirks. "And apparently my wife wants me to get a move on it."

"I didn't do it on purpose," Robin smirks back. "I couldn't help it."

"Why help it?" he says in that soft, sweet voice he only uses with her. "We never have to help it again." He bends and kisses her, starting out slow and gentle with shallow strokes.

And it's good, but not enough. He's got her all worked up now and she _craves_ more. She breaks the suction of their kiss with a gentle pop. "Barney…..we haven't had sex in two days. Can we do the gentle romance later? Right now I need you to consummate the hell out of me."

"Thank god," he sighs with relief, beginning to do just that. He pulls nearly all the way out and then slams back home. He can sense what she wants and he wants it too: harder and faster. He hears it in her every little gasp as he obliges.

"Mm,Barney," Robin moans. "Ohh _yeess!_….Pound me into married life."

"I have the best wife ever!" Barney laughs ecstatically – and proceeds to do exactly as she requested.

* * *

><p>Lying in bed together afterwards, Robin turns her head on the pillow to look at her husband. "Do you feel any different?"<p>

"I feel happy. I was happy before, and now I'm even happier," Barney tells her.

"But what about the sex, _married_ sex?" she clarifies. "Did that feel any different to you?"

He gives her a curious look. "Is it supposed to?"

"I don't know."

"It felt _good_," he offers honestly. "It always feels good, but maybe a little more….permanent? I mean I've felt that way since I proposed but – I don't know," he shrugs against the mattress. "It's hard to describe. Just maybe more significant, I guess is the word. Cause we're actually married now. You're my _wife_, and that means something to me."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," she smiles. "I feel that permanence too, that sense of it being official."

"Officially, emotionally, legally – " He raises his eyebrow at her, lowering his voice an octave in playful seduction. " – and pretty soon again _physically_ joined, and nothing's gonna change that."

Robin laughs and leans over to kiss him, leaving her hand cupping his neck even as she pulls back away. "Otherwise, now that we've done it, I think the whole idea I had of getting married being this daunting thing was kind of silly," she admits. "Before, it seemed like two sides of a line – single or married – and over on the married side was this whole other mysterious way of life I knew nothing about and that had no guarantees. But now that we're on the other side I see how ridiculous that was, because we were _already_ together and no longer single from the moment we got engaged – and we've been pulling it off all this time. A wedding doesn't change that. It's just one day, one ceremony where we say, 'Let's do this for life'. And marriage is just that life we make together, and we've already been doing that. We're _great_ at doing that: compromising, putting each other first, caring about the other's feelings most of all. We might have had a learning curve at times, but that's what life is. And I've been _incredibly_ _happy_ since we got back together, Barney. I want you to know that."

"So have I. This is the happiest I've _ever_ been," Barney tenderly expresses. "You're my whole world, Robin. I want _you_ to know that."

"This is my happiest too," she smiles, moving her arm around his waist and sliding her ankle over his until they're all cozied up together.

"Beyond happy," he grins, wrapping his arms around her.

"I'd have to look down miles to see happy," she ups the ante.

Barney lets her have the last word, plunging in to playfully peck her lips but it soon evolves into a lingering kiss. By the time they slowly draw back, her hands are on his chest and he's tracing soft patterns against her hip.

"Being married isn't this intimidating, unknown thing," Robin reveals what she herself has now figured out. "It really won't be any different than the past five months."

"Right," Barney agrees. "We're still us. It doesn't change who we are or how we'll be together on a day-to-day basis. It'll just be even _more_ awesome now because we've made it binding – even when I don't have you in bed literally bound up," he adds cheekily. "We know we're just going to be honest with each and love each other more than anything."

"Right, and that's all we need to do," she confirms, pulling him into another kiss.

Shortly thereafter they untangle themselves from one another's arms long enough so that Barney can fetch their champagne from across the room and bring it back to drink together in bed while enjoying a Montecristo.

Twenty minutes later, after more laughter and pillow talk they start fooling around again which eventually leads them to trying Barney's new position…..

By the time another hour goes by they wind up over on the couch with Robin on Barney's lap, lying back against his outstretched legs with her ankles criss-crossed around his neck. He's still inside her and neither one is in a hurry to change that.

"Told ya you'd love Tying the Knot," he brags.

And had she ever. It ended in a shaking, convulsing, whole-body experience. Just as one peak was subsiding it set off a second and then a third consecutive, uninterrupted orgasm – one after the other after the other in a delicious cycle of pleasure that seemed like it would go on endlessly. Which is why right now she's lying here spent, still needing to catch her breath for a moment. She'd never before experienced anything quite that strong and intense – and for her and Barney that's saying a lot. The muscles in her legs and abdomen are still shaky, and residual tremors are still spiraling through her core.

He. just. blew. her. mind.

She's said that before and didn't literally mean it, but even now her mind remains slightly dazed; this time he may have actually banged some brain cells loose! "I don't think I've ever come that hard," she gasps.

"I know," he chuckles. "Lil' Robin was gripping me like the hottest, sexiest vise. It was _awesome_."

Robin laughs and slides her legs back down to either sides of his hips, siting up in his lap and putting her arms around him.

Barney hums softly, nuzzling her neck. "Hey, you hungry?"

"_Yes_, I'm starving. I didn't eat much at the reception."

"I know, me neither. Wanna do sushi rolls in bed?"

"Is that another new position?"

"No," he laughs. "_Actual_ sushi rolls."

"Mmm…." Robin's expression dissolves into gastronomic rapture at the thought. "That's sounds amazing. But it's almost three in the morning. Can we even get room service now?"

"Please," he scoffs. "I'm Barney Stinson – and you're a Stinson now too. We can make anything happen."

"Alright, magic man," Robin grins. "Make it happen. I would love some sushi in bed." She lifts herself off his lap and stands ups – naked – walking back towards the bed.

Barney watches her raptly and once again shakes his head in awe. "I am one lucky man."

* * *

><p>It's somewhere around 9:30 the next morning when they both begin to stir. Robin sleepily opens her eyes to see Barney's gazing back at her.<p>

"Morning," he whispers, giving her that utterly happy, softly amused smile that always makes her melt.

She matches his smile, warm and bright and completely content. "Morning."

"Well, we got a _few_ hours of sleep last night," he says with a naughty chuckle.

"Just a few…..But why sleep when we could be doing better things?"

"Why indeed?" He nudges closer to kiss her soundly. "Mm, I can't believe we're married. You're my wife."

"You're my husband," Robin beams. Now she's the one to lean in and kiss him.

One kiss leads to another; then she opens her mouth to him and that's all it takes to intensify into deeply, enthusiastically making out with hands beginning to roam beneath the covers. As her fingers caress his pecs, his slide down to her thigh and she sighs. "I love it when you touch me with your ring….Barney Stinson wearing a ring is huge. It says it all."

"I most definitely belong to you," he breathes against her earlobe, nibbling her there before moving his lips down her neck.

"Mmm, and now the honeymoon."

"Are you ready for Belize?" Barney asks temptingly as he glides his hand down her belly to slip between her legs. "A week straight of nothing but loving you."

"I'm more than ready….There's just one more thing we need to do first….."

She rolls on top of him, bringing her mouth back to his, and pressed intimately together this way Lil' Barney is raring to go. Sitting up against his thighs, Robin lets the sheets pool at her hips and Barney growls softly in appreciation of the view. Then she slowly bears down onto him and they're making love yet again – which is nothing short of miraculous considering the amount of sleep they've gotten in the past two nights and the number of times they've already had sex, but as far as Barney's concerned he'd like to take up permanent residence inside of her so there's _never_ going to be enough times with Robin to not want more.

Only just getting started, Barney's hands grip her waist as Robin rocks and grinds against him. Raising her hips to glide along his length, she lowers herself fully back down on him then rises up again, preparing to set a rhythm. But just as she's sliding down a second time he reaches up and fondles her breast – purposefully rubbing his wedding ring over her nipple – and only thirty seconds in she's breaking just like that, waves of intense pleasure rushing through her.

When Robin comes back to her senses she's lying sprawled on Barney's chest and she can feel his soft laughter beneath her. "Are you laughing at me?" she playfully accuses.

"You have a married fetish," he crows. "I _love_ it!"

Robin laughs now too, shaking her head at him, hopelessly in love with her husband who absolutely, undeniably _has_ awakened a married fetish in her. She kisses him, pressing her tongue into his mouth. His fingers tighten reflexively against her skin and she can feel that he's still hard inside her. "But we're not done yet, are we?"

"Oh not by a longshot," Barney promises wickedly.

Flipping her over, he kisses her thoroughly and begins moving again, establishing a slow but steady, pleasing pace to start out. Robin moans softly at his rhythm, and her moans increase when he breaks their kiss to move his mouth down to her breasts, lavishing each one. Somewhere in the process Barney reaches up and takes her left hand with his so that their two rings are touching as they hold hands against the pillow and Robin feels such a bubble of love for him that she just has to laugh, because this is fun and sexy and satisfying in so many ways. He looks down at her and smiles, kissing her nose – still never breaking in pace – and it feels so good in the way only Barney inside of her ever has.

"Hook my leg up," she requests, and he knows without asking that she wants it up over his shoulder.

She in turn moves her hands over his back and along his sides, then down to fondle his ass the way she knows _he_ likes. "Barney?" she asks as they continue to move together.

"Hmmm?"

"On the airplane, wanna join the mile high club?" she breathlessly proposes. "It's a four hour flight. We can mess around under the blanket and then take it the rest of the way home in the bathroom."

He stops thrusting and just stares down at her in adoration.

"What?" she wonders softly.

"I love you so damn much, Robin Stinson," Barney tells her affectionately.

Her lips stretch into a wide grin and she giggles faintly, enjoying both the sentiment and the use of her new name. "I love you too. I love _this_. I love being married to you."

"Love doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about you being my wife." Robin cups his face, drawing him in close, and Barney whispers, "Happy first day of married life….Let's start it out with a bang."

And they do just that, both of them coming together at the exact same time with such intensity that they actually shake and rock the bed, moving it several inches across the room.

In the aftermath he's collapsed against her, she's running her fingers through his hair, and they're both gently laughing, both knowing they're not yet ready to separate. They want to remain literally one for just a little while longer.

Barney finally lifts his head to smile, stunned, down at her. "That was..." He trails off because there aren't even words to describe it.

"_Yeah_," Robin grins.

He kisses her lips, then across her neck and collarbone and back up to her lips. "We rock at being married," he proclaims.

"Yeah we do," she agrees, kissing him again. They look into each other's eyes, smiling, and then she gives a slight so-imperceptible-anyone-else-but-him-would-miss-it nod. He presses one more tender kiss to her lips and then he slowly pulls out of her, rolling off her body to lie beside her.

"We just rocked _that_," she asserts. They wordlessly high five without looking and then laugh again as he gathers her into his arms.

Robin kisses his damp chest, setting her cheek down against it. "So, you ready for the rest of our lives?"

And Barney answers with utter honesty. "I can't wait."

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: Wow! I feel like I've reached a milestone several years in the making (and it was!) now that I've gotten to what amounts to the end of the story of Barney and Robin's journey to each other.

A few things as we approach the future set chapters (which are going to be like a very longwinded 10-11 chapter epilogue!):

First off, I said in the past that I was going to take the old file I found for my one-shot "The Mermaid Theory Revisited" and post that as a second and final chapter to that now AU story. However, while I had concepts and scenes and entire exchanges of dialogue finished it would have still required me to string them all together cohesively, and frankly I just don't have that in me. What they did with Barney in the AU finale killed whatever tiny thought I may have ever had about a baby. I know that episode is AU, written a decade ago, and therefore entirely unrelated to the story of Barney and Robin, but that was just so sickening that it was one of the parts that bothered me the most about that mess of a script.

Furthermore, I was never a fan of Barney and Robin having a child. I don't see that as their future. I don't want that as their future – and neither did Barney and Robin ever see that as their future or want that as their future. They were both actively choosing not to become parents even before her infertility entered into it, and that was such an innovative and much-needed thing to see in television or movies or any form of pop culture. Because the reality is, _that_ is very true to life (but incredibly underrepresented). Many people in real life don't want children of their own, and that's not something they magically change their minds on just because they've gotten married and it makes a pretty story, or because 'marriage then baby' is the clichéd thing to do. To each his own; everyone is allowed their own opinion, and I know some people really wanted to see Barney and Robin have a baby and have a future where they are parents. But that has never been my take on it, which is why even back then (when I thought _the_ _show_ was going to ultimately go there) when I wrote "The Mermaid Theory Revisited" you'll notice the entire fic is all about Barney and Robin's relationship and nothing about the actual baby because I just don't envision that for them. I just don't feel like that's something that belongs in their life. Yes, they could have pulled off being parents had she gotten pregnant, and I think it is 100% realistic to occasionally have little feelings and wondering if they made the right choice to not pursue having a child, but it is perfectly possible that some people just want to be a cool aunt and uncle – and that they're in fact _better off_ just being a cool aunt and uncle rather than actual parents themselves. As one of those people, and as someone who's gone through exactly what happened to Robin in every way, I can attest to that fact. Being the cool aunt and uncle several times over but never the mom and dad I feel like you get all the best parts out of it without any of the worst parts. In my opinion, and based on what we've seen on the show, that's how I believe both Barney and Robin feel about it too, particularly as seen in episodes like 7.11, 7.12, and 8.16 where as soon as Marvin dirties his diaper Robin wants nothing to do with him, just like Barney did with Sadie in 7.11.

So the point of my long rambling is that I'm _not_ going to be publishing a second chapter of that fic. But the material isn't dead in the water. I'm going to use it within the future set chapters of this story but in an adapted way with their nieces and nephews, and in one other future chapter it will show up in a very particular way that I don't want to get into now because I don't want to spoil it when it happens, but you _will_ be seeing everything that was going to be in that second chapter show up here (one of the lines was already in this chapter; the line about how they don't cancel each other out and what actually happens when you cross two streams of awesome).

The other thing is I'm going to be starting my new AU story "A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings" (I wanted to call it "The Butterfly Effect" but that's already a movie!) right now because I've realized it's going to take far too long to wait until this story is finished to start that one, and I don't want to rush this story to a conclusion because I have so much more left to tell. Initially I backed away from the challenge of updating two different stories at once, but I actually think it's going to be fun for me because the two stories are so different. This one I aim to keep 100% grounded in the canon world. With the other one, the whole point is to be AU and to take a look at the 'what if' of it and what would be the ramifications of certain things being different and what would turn out the same and how it would spiral from there. Plus the new story is going to be much more serialized – meaning shorter, snappier, more fast-paced chapters that I'll be able to turn out quicker. And the future set chapters of this story are going to be all Barney/Robin goodness so it will be nice to have that outlet when they haven't gotten together yet in my other story.

What you'll likely see from me is a back and forth on the updating where I'll update one story and then the other, and then back to the other, and so forth (though it may be two chapters of the AU to one of this story since those chapters are going to be _significantly_ shorter).


	74. Author's Note On Future Set Chapters

**Author's Note on the Future Set Chapters**

* * *

><p>Since 9.239.24 diverged so far from the rest of the show I felt it was necessary before posting the future set chapters to make clear where that AU atrocity differs from canon elements and what will therefore show up in my story (and what won't) so that people aren't confused or wonder why they're seeing certain elements included but not others. I was going to make this an author's note on the first future chapter but there was so much wrong with 9.23/9.24 to touch upon that it grew too long.

I've already stated that canon ends in 9.22 but, just to clarify, what that means is that I do not accept ANY part of that last episode as canon other than the first 6 ½ minutes, literally stopping at the 6 minute and 30 second mark (for those of you, like me, who had the misfortune of actually watching it uncut, that means ending right after Ted and Barney are icing their hands). I accept the scenes of the reception, and the gang saying goodbye on the hotel porch, and the Robin Sparkles scene that got cut, because all of that does follow canon and clearly was shot and written at a different time (you know, not nearly a decade ago!) which is why it has a completely different feel and tone than the rest of that mess. But _everything_ after that goes awry in some way or another and won't show up in my story as it does not match the rest of HIMYM's canon.

So once again: **anything else from that episode I do not in any way, shape, or form recognize, acknowledge, or accept – including the **_**entirety**_** of the future the AU 2006 script presents**. No part of that trash will appear in this story. The only things that will show up in my future set chapters are things that have been touched upon in a prior episode in the true canon range of 1.01- 9.22 (or 9.23 at the 6:30 mark). Most notably, for this story that means:

Ted and the Mother meet in a slightly different fashion because even _that_ they got wrong. The yellow umbrella was supposed to be the main reason the two of them met. That's why the yellow umbrella is the 'how Dad and Mom met' story that the kids already knew, because that was the short version and all the rest is just the particulars on the long journey of how Ted became who he needed to be (which of course included the more elaborate details, like how the mother got hired to play in Barney and Robin's wedding band in the first place). Ted was supposed to talk to the Mother, or she was supposed to go talk to him, _because_ of the yellow umbrella (and 3.01 strongly implied it would blow away too but I'm willing to give on that). It was not supposed to be just some lame afterthought, throwaway one-liner mentioned simply to get it out of the way once they were already talking. I'm sure all the people who believed in the yellow umbrella mythology so much that they got it tattooed on their bodies really appreciated them totally disregarding that part of canon. (Like so much else in that horrendous script, obviously the reason it was disregarded as the key element of their meeting is because the yellow umbrella didn't come into the story until 3.01 and the 9.23/9.24 script was written back in the Season1/Season 2 era before that even happened). Also, the idea that after one conversation Ted would impulsively cancel his entire move to Chicago just like something he'd do back in 1.01 does not fit with what we just saw in canon in 9.21 where we were shown that Ted has finally learned his lesson that he cannot force fate when on his first date with the Mother he actually walked away rather than beg her to stay because he knew that if it was meant to be it would happen on its own without his help. Therefore, this story doesn't acknowledge the way their meeting went down in the AU finale. Granted this is a Barney/Robin story so it won't directly feature any of those scenes, but that part will be alluded to in the first future chapter.

Additionally, in my story Ted and the Mother get married in August 2014 (because the lighthouse proposal scene would have actually occurred in May 2014) since they were _clearly_ already married in the "Trilogy Time" flash forward set in late spring/summer 2015, as well as shown to be married in several other flash forwards (including as recently as the flash forward in 9.15) set before when the AU finale had them finally getting married in 2020 (one of hundreds of reasons why that finale made no sense and blatantly disregarded all the episodes before it). Not to mention that canon Ted, who has been dying to get married for a decade now, would never wait that long for no reason whatsoever and would have proposed _long_ before two years – and certainly would have proposed the very moment she got pregnant. That lackadaisical I-don't-care-about-marriage attitude of AU Ted showed that he suffered from Out of Character disease like the rest of them, just not as severe an outbreak as Barney and Robin's characters were impaired with.

Now in dealing with the Mother, since I don't recognize any of that non-canon mess I seriously contemplated keeping her with the name I'd given her on my own. In fact I had it that way in all of my drafts. However in the end I felt there was a compelling argument for the name Tracy already having been established in the real canon of the show back in 1.09 judging by the kids' reactions to the stripper having that same name. So ultimately I let the name Tracy stand but _only_ because of that Season 1 episode, not because of anything in 9.23/9.24.

Furthermore, because some non-disclosed illness of hers was touched upon in canon in 9.19 (even though certainly that was only gross foreshadowing of their 2006 script to come) I have accepted her illness as canon. But she _will_ survive, which actually makes for a moving "true to life story" much more so than the ridiculousness they presented. Because in real life people are diagnosed with serious illnesses all the time and they _are_ able to beat them and come out strong and healthy and go on to lead full, rich, happy lives (my own family experienced just such a thing over this past year.) It is short-sighted, juvenile, and lazy writing to with no depth or explanation at all leave the suggestion that any nondescript illness must automatically lead to character death and in an extremely quick, pain-free, and oh-so-beautiful-in-the-hospital-bed (in the one picture we were shown) way. And it is even more lazy, juvenile, and downright _disturbing_ to suggest that the death of a young mother would have virtually no effect on her children who were old enough to know and understand at the time of her death yet seem entirely flippant and disrespectful of her memory (and this is coming from someone who lost a parent at a young age and was utterly disgusted by the way those children were portrayed) but then again part of that is because at the beginning of the series the Mother was not supposed to be dead. So to make a long rant short: the Mother's name is Tracy, she will get sick, but she will pull through.

Also, this story does not acknowledge any parts of the bleak future they painted for Lily. Her desire and struggle to carve out a career in the art world was her character's only series-long storyline. From the end of Season 1 and going off to attend art school in San Francisco, to her attempts to sell her paintings, and finally to making a successful career for herself as an art consultant which figured so heavily into the plot of Season 8 and 9, that was the _one_ thing she strived for. Yet they wiped all that away from her with no explanation at all (again, because Lily had none of that in Season 1 when the script was written) and left her with nothing to do but shuck out babies and look after her husband's career like some 1950s housewife, because all of that was _Marshall's_ dream. It was offensively misogynistic (the entire 2006 script was tremendously, revoltingly misogynistic in their treatment of all of the female characters, leaving the message that all women should be 1950s housewives or end up divorced, _and_ that it's a woman's main and only job to produce children for a man – because after all a kid is the only thing that can ever make a man transformed and fulfilled– and then she can die because her work is done). Therefore in this story Lily is still a successful art consultant in New York (once she gets back from Italy) and this story does not recognize any third child. The AU finale barely recognized it anyway. It was never even given a gender or a name, never shown, and seemed to exist for no other reason than to keep Lily barefoot and pregnant and stuck at home. Lily only wanted two children and she should have control and say over her own body, just like she shouldn't have to give up her dream of the career she wanted and worked hard for. In this story she gets to have _her_ dream and _her_ say just as much as Marshall does. That's the way it always was in their real relationship and marriage in the canon world of 1.01 – 9.22.

And finally, in regards to Robin's career path, I do not for one second believe that Season 9 Robin would have ever traveled in the way they presented it in the AU finale. Even with Barney by her side she wouldn't have wanted a nomadic lifestyle like that. Robin likes some stability and she's too into her group of friends and that sense of family and belonging she derives from them to just continually take to the open road and never see them for years on end. Look how upset she was in 6.09 at the thought of losing Lily's constant friendship, or in 7.14 when Lily and Marshall moved to the suburbs (just a 46 minute ride away), or how in 9.13 she was rooting for Marshall to take the judgeship just so that Lily wouldn't leave for a year because she'd miss her too much. Plus Robin constantly traveling and never seeing the group simply doesn't fit with what we already know of the canon future and the gang's closeness to one another and each other's families in that canon future. Nor does it fit with them always being together for American Thanksgiving and Robots vs. Wrestlers. Robin searched for that sense of belonging her entire life. That's why she bonded with the gang so quickly and so well in the beginning. She would never just throw that away.

Moreover, a desire to travel to all these foreign countries hasn't even been a part of her character since Season 2, and whenever living abroad has been very rarely brought up since then it's always been a **negative** for her. We saw in Season 4 how she did _not_ want to move away to Japan, and when she forced herself to do so anyway she was absolutely miserable and came back home shortly thereafter. A desire for world travel (or _any_ travel) is never mentioned again. Even more tellingly, we see her in Season 5 and in Season 7 turn down career/travel opportunities (to Chicago and to France) in favor of pursuing her love life at home in New York (making Robin's actions in the AU finale all the more absurd). The most we ever see her travel again since her disastrous attempt to live abroad in Season 4 is to Russia for exactly one week.

And that, _I_ believe, is the sort of lifestyle that would suit Robin: traveling abroad for pleasure with Barney like normal couples do on vacations, and then traveling a bit for work when called upon – but for small periods of time and _only_ a few times a year (see my flash forward in 9.15 for my take on Robin's opinion of that, which was written before that AU finale even aired so that lets you know my strong thoughts on that aspect of it).

Also a network broadcaster is the more prestigious journalistic position. Why would she want to move _down_ on the career hierarchy? And I don't believe the type of nomadic lifestyle and lower status position of a field foreign correspondent would fit with Robin's desire for fame as seen frequently throughout the show (1.05, 5.13, 7.21, and 8.02 are examples just off the top of my head). How many international foreign correspondents are actually famous in the United States who Americans know, watch, and would recognize? Yet Robin is shown to greatly love doing her daily broadcast at WWN, love seeing herself nightly on TV, and _love_ that recognition she gets because of it. She's never going to get that as the one-minute foreign correspondent who the regular (and therefore known and recognized) broadcasters occasionally cut to, nor was she **ever** shown to want that kind of a job past Season 2. The only things we hear from Robin on her career over and over again are that she wants to do "serious news" and "be taken seriously" as well as the fact that she likes to be recognized. All of those things are certainly accomplished by being a regular daily broadcaster on a prominent network in the U.S., _not_ by being a foreign correspondent.

I fully believe that if they did constantly travel all over the world, as is portrayed in the AU finale, Robin and Barney would _still_ stay together regardless (no way they're going to spend eight heart-wrenching years working their way together just to call it a day with no effort at all, no attempt to work out the problem – whatever the problem was supposed to have been – just a high five and see ya never!). However, I don't think that would have been an issue to begin with because I don't believe that 2013 Robin would have even wanted that nomadic lifestyle for herself or for Barney. The AU finale got it wrong in every possible way, so that kind of relentless travel and lengthy residing abroad will **not** show up in my future chapters because I don't feel like it is in keeping with the rest of the story and where Robin's character was at by Season 9.

Frankly, I'm not quite sure why so many people seem to accept that part of it as canon when in fact the only place we see that show up is within the AU finale itself. Nothing else suggested that Robin would be _constantly_ traveling the world. Even back in Season 2 only a handful of countries are named and she's already been to most of them (and I know they say she "lives in" these other countries at the end of Season 2, but they already hit upon several of them and their definition of "living in" was for just a couple of weeks. In fact, Russia was literally one week of living there. All of that is really no different than an extended vacation, which I therefore count). The few countries that are left and the whole idea itself of Robin "seeing the world" could happen very easily through years' worth of occasional travel for both work and leisure like plenty of everyday people accomplish who still have a regular permanent residency in one place. For example, if Robin goes on perhaps two work trips plus one personal vacation a year then she's seeing three countries a year right there (meaning she'll visit/live in as many as 50 countries by 2030, which certainly qualifies as traveling the world) while still maintaining a regular lifestyle in NYC. _That_ is how I see Robin's and Barney's future in a completely canon world.


	75. 2013 (The First Seven Married Months)

**AN**: This is my no means an uninterrupted and steady account of _everything_ that happens to them between 2013 and 2030. Instead it will be little vignettes meant to be glimpses into those years, like opening up a time portal and saying "Okay, yeah, that's what Barney and Robin are doing at that specific point in time". But it will hopefully give a larger idea of what their marriage and future together is like.

However, if you are looking for angst then you might as well read no further. While there will be a couple chapter years that deal with things of a more serious nature, this is unabashedly a happy ending. Barney and Robin are by no means perfect and will surely have little spats like Marshall and Lily or like any normal and real couple do, but this story is going to focus on the happy and positive moments because those are the things that really matter in life and those are the things that you remember as the years go by.

I myself will never understand the fascination with watching characters suffer for the sake of it and then calling that "realistic". Contrary to what Carter Bays said, I don't believe you have to have lived some real life to "appreciate the beauty" of that kind of suffering. I think it may be just the opposite. Those who _are_ mature and who have lived and have suffered in their real life mostly have no desire to relive that in a fictional world. In other words, it is my firm belief that real life is hard enough so fictional stories for our enjoyment and pleasure should _always_ have happy endings. And, indeed, HIMYM in true canon from 1.01– 9.22 has always been a positive tale leading up to a happy ending for ALL of its characters, so I feel like the happy ending I'm writing here is very in keeping with that same tone, spirit, and message.

* * *

><p><strong>2013 (T<strong>**he First Seven Married Months)**

* * *

><p>On June 10th Barney and Robin arrive back in New York City after two glorious weeks spent in Belize. Ranjit meets them at the airport with a giant "Hello!" followed by hugs and he drives them back home, helping them upstairs with their luggage before heading out to let the newlyweds settle in alone.<p>

The main idea was to shower after their long flight, maybe do a little unpacking before heading out for some dinner and then stopping by the breeder's place to pick up Legendary and bring him home once and for all. But when they step back inside their apartment the plans to shower and unpack get put on hold in lieu of admiring the new changes. While they were on honeymoon Barney had one of his "guys" bring in all the stuff they bought and get it setup throughout the apartment, making the various rooms 'puppy ready' for them when they returned. On top of that, while they're checking out the new little additions here and there throughout the living room Barney discovers a DVD disc waiting for them on the kitchen bar. It turns out it's their wedding and reception footage, all finished and edited, that came in from the videographer last week. Lily used her key to leave it as a welcome home present for them alongside their now updated _Barney & Robin: Lovers Forever and Ever and Ever, A Love Story_ scrapbook.

Curiosity gets the better of them and they end up putting the disc into the Blu-ray player to relive their wedding from the observer's point of view. Watching how very noticeably happy and in love they were on their wedding day – and both know they always will be – soon leads to them fooling around….and they never do unpack. But they eventually make it into the shower – together – and then manage to change and get ready to head out for dinner.

Standing in the living room once more, Robin looks at her husband, freshly suited up and smelling amazing as he always does but particularly so when he's straight from the shower, and she just has to laugh at his still-braided blond hair. She's seen him like this for two days now but she still can't get used to it. Reaching up, she lightly sets her hand to the back of his head overtop the braids. "I want to get that hair back to normal. You have to hurry up and make good on your bet so I can run my fingers through it again."

"I wore it home this way," Barney maintains. "That was technically all the bet entailed."

"Yes, but Lily and Marshall have _got_ to see it and they're both busy till tomorrow."

Barney frowns as he slowly realizes, "And we won't see Ted until Friday…."

It's still a little hard to believe that Ted won't be moving to Chicago after all. They received a surprise text from him a few days into the honeymoon and it was so shocking they had to take a five minute break from doing their honeymoon – which mostly meant doing _each other_ – to get Ted on the phone and verify that it was actually true. And indeed it was. The move to Chicago had fallen through after the company Ted had been hired to work for folded and went under just like that. It turned out they'd been in financial trouble for a long time but were keeping it from the public and their own employees in the hopes that they could turn it around. The CEO and the board of directors had an emergency meeting the night of the wedding and decided to just liquidate the company, which meant the end of Ted's move.

Ted told them he knew it had to be something serious when he received a call at 1 a.m. – midnight Chicago time – while taking the train back into the city. But he insisted things had turned out for the best because he'd met some amazing woman at the station while waiting for the train. The two of them are apparently an item now.

Barney and Robin are all set to hear the full story come Friday night when they're meeting Ted and his new girlfriend for drinks at MacLaren's. Barney is over the moon at the news and Robin, for her part, couldn't be happier. Barney can keep his bro now, everyone gets to have what they want, and she doesn't have to feel the least bit to blame for the group splitting up.

"Don't worry," Robin tells him, bringing her other hand up to his neck as she presses her lips to his. "I'll let you off the hook with Ted. I want Normal Barney back before then. Vacation Barney has got to go. We'll just show Ted the pictures. But Marshall and Lily have to see it in person. You can consider it our going away present to them."

After that they head out to dinner which they both rush through in their excitement to get to the breeder's. There everything goes as planned and although it's been nearly four weeks since they've seen him the little puppy somehow seems to recognize them. Robin puts his first collar on him with his name, Legendary Stinson, engraved into the silver tag and then she attaches his first leash so they can take him out into the waiting cab and the beginning of their new life as a family.

Barney and Robin sit closely together in the back of the cab as always and in the close proximity their legs press together, forming a bridge for the little dog to keep walking across, back and forth from one lap to the other while he makes himself reacquainted with his new parents. He loves them both. Even so soon, the immediate bond is apparent. Robin has all the experience with dogs and already Legendary responds to her as the one in charge here but with a gentle, loving authority that makes him adore her. And Barney is just too much fun for an animal not to love. Already he's fallen into the role of the indulgent parent who will let Legendary get away with murder, which naturally the little puppy is taken with. Robin just silently smiles to herself, wondering how long that will last once Barney's first pair of shoes is chewed up.

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" she asks in amusement as she watches their new puppy lick Barney's chin.

"Absolutely. I loved having Brover, and Legendary is even more awesome." Barney smiles over into his wife's eyes. "And he's _ours_, which automatically makes him a cut above the rest."

Once they make it back to the apartment they give Legendary a chance to slowly adjust to his new home, exploring and taking it all in. It's no surprise the puppy loves his posh surroundings and all the fancy new things they have for him. Any time Barney's involved in the buying it's going to be top of the line and Legendary's belongings are no exception. From his water and food dishes to his toys and luxurious, spacious bed in the corner of their bedroom that's really more a miniature chaise lounge than what most people would picture of a 'dog bed', _everything_ is state of the art.

But, of course, like many young puppies Legendary doesn't want to stay in his bed the first night. He'd rather climb up onto the big bed to be with his mom and dad. Each and every time he does one of the two of them pick him up and bring him back over to _his_ bed, but a second later he's right back up with them. They're not even sure how he manages it since he's so little and their bed's somewhat tall. But where there's a will there's a way and he keeps climbing back up until finally they give up, give in, and let him stay.

But as far as Barney is concerned Legendary's presence won't slow down his amorous intentions one bit. They've been making out for the past ten minutes now. He's got Robin undeniably in the mood and they're taking this the rest of the way home if he has anything to say about it. He just scoots the puppy down to the foot of the bed and goes back to kissing his wife. "It's a big bed. We can work around him," he murmurs against her lips.

Seconds later he's peeling off her t-shirt and tossing it behind his shoulder. It lands over Legendary's head – a fact they're too into each other to notice were it not for the slight jingle of his shaking collar while the puppy tries to free himself.

They both look down to the foot of the bed at the poor fella's predicament. "Aww," Robin commiserates.

Barney rolls off of Robin and sits up to help him. "Hey, that's the dangers of the bedroom, little guy," he informs Legendary, petting behind his ear once he frees him. "You'll understand one day. I'll wingman you out and get _you_ laid for the first time. Then you'll know what it's all about and you won't blame me."

Robin shoots him a playful frown as he settles back down against her. "Is that what you call our first married night back home? Getting you laid?"

He bends down, nuzzling his nose against hers as his hands find her bare skin beneath the sheets. "I call it making love to my incredibly hot wife with sex that I know will be so phenomenal I don't want either one of us to miss out."

"Hmm, I'll allow it – though it sounds suspiciously like pandering."

"And do you mind?" he asks knowingly.

"Not at all," she admits cheekily. "I like to be indulged. And I want the same thing as you do."

She pulls him down to her and a minute into making out again they finish undressing each other. Barney's pajama bottoms get lost somewhere inside the covers, but Robin's panties narrowly miss getting stuck on Legendary's tail.

One thing leads to a passionate other and things progress quickly from there. Robin has her legs wrapped around Barney's waist and their lovemaking is just starting to get athletic when they hear a little whimper from Legendary.

Robin pulls her mouth from Barney's. "Did you hear him?

"Yeah," Barney replies, preoccupied by being inside her. "Yeah, he applauds our skills," he says offhandedly, setting his lips to her neck.

Still looking down at Legendary, she nudges Barney's shoulders to get his full attention. "No, you don't get it. Dogs can be very territorial and protective. He might not understand. He might think you're attacking me and either be scared to death or do something to try and protect me."

"_Oh_. Okay." Barney hadn't thought of it that way but he doesn't want to traumatize the little puppy – or get a chunk right out of his bum. "Do we need to stop?" he asks reluctantly.

Robin bites her lip, weighing it out. She doesn't want to frighten the dog, which she thinks is far more likely in Legendary's case then provoking an incident, but she's enjoying herself too much and doesn't want to stop either. She glances down the length of the bed to Legendary's furry little head and then back up at Barney who's still paused in his motions. He's gazing down at her so handsome and earnest and, though she knows it's the last thing he wants, completely willing to stop without a word of protest if she says she thinks they should. Leaning up, she kisses him hard. "No. There's no way we're stopping. I'll just get on top."

"Then he'll think _you're_ attacking me," Barney protests, not wanting Robin to get bitten either.

Robin laughs at that. "You're bigger than I am. He won't think I'm attacking you. And this way he'll be able to clearly see us both and recognize that we're enjoying it. Then he'll learn and understand that it's normal; it's just the two of us playing together."

"Good," Barney manages as he changes up their positions. "He needs to understand that even more than he needs to learn my suits are off limits. Cause as _our_ dog he's gonna witness an awful lot of us having sex."

"Damn straight," Robin agrees and they high five. Sitting up against his thighs, she looks down at him, running her hands over his chest. No matter how many times she's seen his naked body – and she just saw it near constantly on their two week honeymoon – it never, ever loses its appeal. "Now where were we?" she whispers, leaning down over him to bring her mouth back to his.

After that there's a lot of laughing and touching and kissing, and it's clear to Legendary that Robin and Barney are simply having fun with each other so he isn't afraid anymore. But the shaking of the bed and all the rolling around his new parents are doing soon becomes wearisome. Seeking out some peace and quiet, he finally voluntarily breaks in his new bed. And by the time Barney and Robin are finished the little puppy realizes it's not so bad in the $1,200 dog bed after all.

He spends the entire night there and a ritual is set. From then on Legendary shares the big bed with his parents until they start to get frisky. Then he retires to his own swanky doggy chaise lounge across the room where he beds down for the remainder of the night.

* * *

><p>The next day Robin has to go back to work, but Barney still has some time off and he stays home with Legendary. It's fortunate for him anyhow since his hair is still in Vacation Barney mode, a look that would be endlessly ridiculed at GNB – though he's actually at the point of not even much minding his hair like this anymore. In fact, in their two weeks away he's grown quite accustomed to all of island living, particularly the wearing little to no clothes part to the point that it's hard getting used to covering all up again. Even now he has on a light grey summer suit with no tie and his shirt copiously unbuttoned.<p>

Later that evening, he's all set to meet back up with Robin at MacLaren's so the two of them can have one last drink with Lily and Marshall before they head off to Italy. But Robin is late and Marshall is still upstairs with Marvin waiting for Mickey to come watch him, so for now it's just Barney and Lily.

He starts filling her in on how amazing Belize was, but unfortunately for him Lily hasn't forgotten his comment back in Farhampton and Barney soon finds himself sprawled out on the barroom floor with an aching groin – and not in the good way. Marshall shows up seconds later to appreciate both Barney's pain and his hilarious hairdo.

By the time Barney is recovered and back on his feet, preparing to make a clever comeback, he gets a call from Robin. "Hey, babe," he answers the phone still a little out of breath. "You're running late. You said 5:30 and it's already ten to six."

"Barney, something awful happened," Robin tells him with panic in her voice. "I stopped home to check on Legendary before going to MacLaren's and the apartment above ours had caught on fire. It spread down to our floor. Legendary and I both made it out okay but I think our apartment is a total loss."

"Oh my god. Stay there; I'm coming right away!"

It's an agonizing twenty-three minute ride for Barney but when he arrives at their building he doesn't discern any damage from the outside, nor does he see any fire trucks. But he figures maybe the engines are around back, and they do live on a high floor. It's possible he just can't see the damage from down on the ground. By the time he gets into the lobby however – with residents coming and going calmly, no trace of firemen to be found, and their usual doorman at his post not reporting anything out of the ordinary – it's clear to Barney that something else is going on here.

When he gets up to their floor he finds Robin in her bathrobe standing outside their apartment door. "Well obviously there was no fire."

"No," Robin admits, "but don't be mad at me. I had to make good on a promise." Barney gives her a confused look, not mad, simply perplexed, so she explains. "I promised you at our rehearsal dinner that I'd get you back. I had to come through on that. And _I_ didn't vow to always be honest with you. But right now I will. From now on, no more lies – not from either one of us and not even for surprises. We can still surprise each other, just without the lies. Because, Barney Stinson, from this day forward I am _always_ going to be honest with you, cause I love you."

Barney wraps his arms around her waist, shaking his head. "You are a little sociopath, just like me."

"We're perfectly suited then," Robin laughs, drawing him into a kiss.

"Well you certainly got me back," he tells her once they break apart. "You scared the living daylights out of me. I had no idea."

"Oh, _this_ wasn't getting you back. The whole fire thing was just the misdirection to get you here."

"Huh?" Barney asks, again befuddled.

"If this was all there is that would just be mean," she frowns. "No. You gave me an _amazing_ surprise, the rehearsal dinner of my dreams. So I'm giving you a surprise from _your_ dreams."

"Mmm," he hums, playing with the neckline of her robe. "I like the sound of that. Although, frankly, I'm not sure there's anything left from my dreams that we haven't already done."

"Oh there is. But the surprise isn't sex. The surprise is what I've got on under this robe….._And_ all of this," Robin reveals, opening the door to their apartment and watching, thrilled, as he first glimpses it.

She's organized a _Space Teens_ reunion for him, complete with Alan Thicke and Jessica Glitter – and Robin Sparkles too, of course. While her husband steps inside, taking it all in, she hurries to lose the robe and don the wig. They've all got their original costumes and as many set pieces as she could wrangle on such short notice. She has their entire living room transformed into the _Space Teens_ set. Even the robot and beaver puppets are here. She'd planned it all out on the second day of their honeymoon after twenty-four hours of nearly constant sex led Barney to fall asleep out on their bungalow's back porch. His little nap was all the opportunity she needed to make the necessary calls without him having any idea.

In the here and now Barney turns from viewing the room's transformation to look at his wife and sees that Robin is fully decked out now too in her character's _Space Teens_ outfit. She's got the blonde wig on complete with the big blue bow, blue leggings with the white flouncy skirt overtop and black studded belt, four inch heels on her feet, and the skintight stripped shirt that shows off even the slightest jiggle of her breasts when she moves – and Barney's eyes are always glued to even the tiniest Robin jiggle.

Robin instructs him to sit down on the couch, which is now facing the window where most of the set is in place, and she, Jessica, and Alan act out a scene from an original script to Barney's utter delight. Then she and Jessica give another _full_ performance of "The Beaver Song" – filthy lyrics and all – promising to "lick it side-by-side" because "it will taste so good".

Afterwards they all stick around and chat for a bit. Alan was there at their wedding but although Robin had invited her Jessica had missed it. Their little reunion back in 2010 hasn't changed much. They still only communicate through Christmas cards, now with an added 'Happy Birthday' text. Nevertheless, Jessica had once been a big part of her life and despite what happened since then Robin wanted to extend an invitation to her wedding.

Jessica really did want to be there too. She was planning to come but she'd just given birth to her second child four days before the wedding and therefore couldn't attend. But she expresses a desire to see some pictures of what she missed, claiming, "I knew from that one night at the Hoser Hut that you two were crazy about each other."

While they don't yet have the professional wedding pictures back they offer to show her the video that just arrived, but Jessica has to get back to her son and Alan is in the early stages of planning a reality show and has to head out too, and Barney and Robin soon find themselves alone with Legendary in their _Space Teens_ transformed living room.

Smiling, Barney turns to look at her, still blown away by what she's pulled off for him. "We could keep the stripper pole, you know."

"It's not a stripper pole," Robin defends. "It's a transportation device from one floor of the spaceship to the next to provide the most proficient and – Fine," she concedes, "it kinda looks like a stripper pole."

"See," he crows. "And we could keep it. Have nightly performances."

"You wish."

"Yep. I do," he admits, nodding.

"Well it's not staying, just like we weren't doing "Weekend at Barney's" for our wedding. But….as long as it's up right now, maybe later tonight I _could_ use it just this once while you watch," she tantalizingly offers.

"Man, did I marry the right woman," Barney proclaims.

"Yeah ya did. Now tell me what happened at the bar," Robin asks, sitting down on the couch. "Did they both see your hair?"

"Yes," he replies, sitting down beside her.

"And they both loved it?"

"They both pointed and laughed if that's what you mean – and pulled out their cameras to take a picture. But I don't care. I make even this look good."

"It doesn't look _terrible_," she allows. "But I prefer you the way I married you. And now that Marshall and Lily have seen it, the hair can go," she happily announces.

"The mockery over my hair wasn't even the worst of it. Wait till I tell you what else happened….."

Over the next few minutes Barney winds up lying across the couch with his head in Robin's lap while she works on unbraiding his hair and he tells her what happened at the bar. "….and in the middle of my story about Belize, Lily suddenly just brutally knees me in the groin."

"And you did nothing to provoke it? I find that hard to believe. Turn you head," she instructs, getting to work on the last side. As she weaves her fingers through his hair Robin can't help but think he's something of a sight at the moment – his head still one quarter braided with the other three quarters of hair kinked out oddly, and his skin is so tanned at the moment. She wonders if she's as tanned as he is. Probably, since they were both nearly or entirely naked so much of the time, but sometimes it's hard to be a proper judge of your own skin. That is, after all, how her tanning addiction started years ago.

"I may have done something indirectly," Barney confesses, enjoying the feel of her fingers moving against his scalp as she frees his hair. "Back during our wedding weekend Lily asked me if her outfit made her look fat and I said maybe a little around the hips."

"_Barney_."

"Hey, I was just being honest. I didn't think I said anything wrong. Why ask a question like that if you don't want a real answer? And that was before I knew she was pregnant."

With the last of his braids undone now, she instructs him to get up and she does the same, running her fingers all throughout his hair to work out the tangles. It's not exactly normal after being tied up for so long but a shampooing and blow-dry will fix that. "So why did she wait until now to get payback?"

"She said it was because of the wedding and she was waiting to deal with my comment until after I got back from the honeymoon."

"That makes sense, I guess," Robin nods. "Aldrin justice."

"Don't I get any sympathy?" Barney pouts. "She kneed me so hard in the crotch I fell down on the floor and everything."

"Do you want me to massage it for you?" she offers.

"_Yes_. Definitely."

Robin smiles, kissing him deeply as she reaches down to unfasten his belt. "Is Lil' Barney still in working order?" she asks, and as her fingers unzip his pants she quickly gets her answer. "Yes, yes he is…." Barney just nods, smiling in enjoyment as she presses her lips to his neck. "Not that I should be surprised. You once called _Space Teens_ 'a big ol bowl of pornflakes'. If anything would heal you, our little performance should have definitely done the trick."

"It wasn't the performance. It's all you, right now." She gives him a doubtful look. "….And okay, a _little_ bit the performance too, but mostly you right now."

Robin laughs, tilting her head toward the old prop set on the other side of the room. "Wanna do it on the control panel?"

Barney smiles devilishly down at her. "You gonna pull on my joystick?" he invites, referencing the infamous _Space Teens_ episode they all watched together.

She slides her hand into his pants, doing just that. "There you go."

"Oh yeah. We're gonna do it on the control panel." He kisses her passionately, running his hands over her body as he leads her across the room, never breaking the kiss.

"We'll have to hurry," she says against his lips. "Lily and Marshall are leaving tomorrow and this really is our sendoff to them. They're meeting us here in an hour."

"I can do an hour….." He moves his hand down to cup her butt, pressing her against him, while his other hand slides up into her hair. It's only then that she realizes she still has the Robin Sparkles wig on. She reaches up to remove it but he stops her. "Leave it on. Leave the entire costume on. Just take off the leggings." Then his mouth is on her neck, sucking at her skin.

She sighs softly at what he's doing but has to point out, "You do realize I was only sixteen when I made this show? Wanting me to keep the costume on is kind of pervy don't you think?"

"It's not like I want some random sixteen year old," he reasons. "But my wife was hot back then and I still lust after her now." Barney grins as the lyric occurs to him and he sings it to her. "_You're my favorite beaver_."

She giggles softly. "You know it. The best one you've ever had."

"Absolutely," he agrees, kissing her again.

"Then come on," Robin encourages, hoisting herself up on the control panel and pulling him to her by his hips. "Let's work out that mathematical problem of how much wood my hungry beaver can devour in half an hour."

Barney laughs lustfully as he reaches for her, thoroughly loving her surprise.

And it is, indeed, the last of their big surprise capers. They still surprise one another with nice, sweet little things for the fun of it, because they love each, and they even still have huge surprises from time to time on par with Barney's bro mitzvah and Robin's rehearsal dinner. But no more of their surprises require or ever use any lies. From that night on they simply satisfy their craving for crafty plays and schemes through occasional public roleplaying where they pretend to be strangers who pick each other up. And Night Falcon and Fire Eagle remain with them for years to come.

* * *

><p>Marshall and Lily leave for Italy the next day with Ted driving them to the airport. Since Barney and Robin both have to work that morning they don't get to come so each already said their goodbyes the night before.<p>

Neither one of them has yet to even see Ted since the wedding. Monday their flight didn't arrive until late afternoon and then they were just settling back in and didn't see any of their friends. The only place they wanted to go was out to a quick dinner, to pick up Legendary, and back home. Then for the next three nights Ted's busy with plans with his mysterious new girlfriend – dinner reservations and theater tickets and an art gala. But on Friday he had nothing particular planned so they all agreed to MacLaren's at eight where Robin and Barney will finally get the chance to meet this woman of Ted's.

Barney and Robin walk into the bar with their arms around each other's waist and from his place in their booth Ted can immediately tell how island rested and happy they both are. "Hey guys," he greets, standing up to hug them. "You both look tanned."

"We were outside pretty much the entire time," Robin informs him.

As they arrange themselves in the booth, Barney and Robin with their backs to the bar and Ted on the other side facing the door still waiting for his date to arrive, he asks them, "How was Belize?" They both make an unintelligible sound of pure enjoyment. "That good, huh?" Ted smiles.

"We swam in the ocean, did some cave tubing and scuba diving. The beaches were gorgeous," Robin enthuses. "The weather was perfect. The food was phenomenal."

Barney can't take it anymore and interrupts his wife's chaste list, bursting to tell his exciting news. "And Robin showed me how to have sex on a windsurfing board!"

"Ahh," Ted nods. "That sounds more like it. So that's how Belize _really_ was, like, 95% of the time, right?"

Barney grins lasciviously. Robin looks over at him and mirrors the same smile, not even trying to deny it anymore. "Yes, it was," she freely owns it. "Our honeymoon was 99% sex. Amazing sex."

"Depraved, island sex," Barney puts in with a leer for his new wife. Robin leers right back and the two high five. It's either that or start making out – and they only just got here. "That's the way it should be. If your honeymoon isn't 99% sex you're doing something wrong."

"But enough about all the amazing sex _we're_ having; that's a given," she shrugs. "What about you and this new girlfriend of two weeks that you're so mad about? We tried to pump Lily and Marshall for information but they said you swore them to secrecy. _You_ wanted to be the one to reveal her. So…?" she asks Ted, excited for him and excited to hear more about this new woman in their lives. "Tell us all about this wonderful girl."

"Yeah, when I first heard your move was off _I_ was happy," Barney reveals, " but I thought you might be bummed…..I know you wanted a fresh start, and you said it would be a great opportunity for you."

"It was. But so is Tracy. I know it's still early but I think that _she's_ my fresh start. She's something I don't ever want to miss out on."

It's evident by the way he says it that he's absolutely smitten with this girl – and not even in a Ted way this time. In a _real_ way. "I'm happy for you, Ted," Robin tells him sincerely.

"Mm-hmm, me too," Barney seconds. "So Tracy is her name? And what is it about this Tracy that makes her so special and perfect for you?" He gives Ted a knowing look. "Great set of cans, right?" he says, gesturing it out on his own chest. Robin smiles, rolling her eyes and shaking head at such a typically Barney statement. "No, seriously," he laughs. "Give us the heads-up before we meet her."

"Well, she's charming and funny…..and she just _gets_ me," Ted muses. "We have the exact same sense of humor. She's quirky and sweet and friendly – and yes, Barney, she has a fantastic figure. We've been practically inseparable since our first date three days after your wedding."

"I noticed. It took us all week to make it onto your schedule," Barney ribs. "So when is this magical woman going to get here?"

"Speak of her and she shall appear," Ted replies, already sliding out of the booth because he just spotted her walking into the bar. After quickly kissing her hello, he turns back to them. "Barney, Robin, I'd like you to meet Tracy McConnell."

"Oh my god," Barney cries, turning to Robin. "It's the same girl." Robin nods, equally surprised. "Ted," he exclaims, "this is the same girl, the bass player I tried to set you up with at our wedding."

"I know," Ted laughs. He and Tracy are _both_ laughing. "I made Lily and Marshall promise not to say anything."

"I _told_ you she was perfect for you!" Barney gloats as Ted and Tracy sit down in the booth. "But _you_ didn't want to meet her."

"She was beautiful," Ted remembers, glancing over at Tracy. "I was instantly attracted. I _wanted_ to talk to her, but it seemed pointless when I was leaving in a matter of hours."

"It was all a remarkable stroke of fate," Tracy puts in.

"I think the Universe really _was_ giving us a sign this time," Ted tells them.

"I think so," Tracy agrees. "I'd been in this relationship for a while because it was safe and convenient and I'd only just ended it," she explains. "_Just_ the night before your wedding I'd decided I needed to find someone I could actually fall in love with. And then I met Ted."

"Everything just fell into place without us even trying," Ted concurs.

Tracy nods to her boyfriend. "We've worked it out since then and realized so many pieces of the puzzle had to come together just to get us in the same place at the same time." She turns back to Robin and Barney. "Your other band fell through and then Ted ran into my old roommate on the subway, otherwise I wouldn't have even been playing at your wedding."

"And Tracy had to stay to finish out the reception. We would have never met if it wasn't for the rain making my train late so she ended up waiting for the same one."

"And then there was our yellow umbrella…" Tracy smiles.

"_Yes_. You'll never believe this," Ted keenly tells Barney and Robin. "I saw her again at the station and I recognized she was the same girl, the bass player from your wedding."

"It helped that I had my case with me," Tracy teases him.

"Doesn't matter. I would have recognized your face anyway," he smiles to her before turning his attention back to Robin and Barney. "But I still wouldn't have talked to her for all those same reasons. What's the point in even trying to make a connection when I was leaving? And then I saw her yellow umbrella. I've never been able to locate another one exactly like the one I found in that club on Saint Patrick's Day. I used to _love_ that umbrella. It was too weird of a coincidence. I had to go over and find out if it was the same one."

"So he accused me of stealing his umbrella."

"I did not!" Ted defends and Tracy laughs.

"And then _I_ recognized him as that funny professor who was in the wrong class back when I was taking Econ 305."

"….We talked the whole time on the platform under our umbrella."

"_And_ the whole time on the train. I liked him right away," Tracy reveals to Barney and Robin. "But he was very upfront that he was leaving in the morning, and it was a shame too because it seemed like there could really be something between us. Then he got the call that his firm had gone under, and I'm ashamed to say I've never been so happy to hear someone just lost their job."

"I was never so happy to lose a job. It felt like it honestly was fate this time," Ted expresses. "I wasn't forcing it in any way."

"So on our first date when I saw my ex, got spooked, and thought it was too soon for me to be dating, I tried to end things and –

"Oh no," Robin groans, disheartened.

"What'd you do, Ted? Barney asks with equal disdain.

"Nothing," Ted replies, slightly offended. "I did nothing."

"He didn't," Tracy verifies, amused. "His biggest mistake was trying to take me to a Scottish/Mexican fusion restaurant."

"A _what_?" Barney asks, disgusted.

"But he didn't do anything to try to pressure me to stay. He actually started to leave."

"Because I knew if it was meant to be," Ted asserts, "then I wouldn't have to force it at all, and – "

"And he didn't, because _I_ called him back," Tracy interjects, and already Barney and Robin notice they're finishing each other's sentences.

"She called me back _and_ she kissed me," Ted grins.

"_You_ kissed me too," Tracy bouncily insists.

"It was a mutual kissing," Ted agrees and they grin at each other, then back to their newlywed friends. "And get this, she has a calligraphy set – and a coin collection, and driving gloves."

"I frequent renaissance fairs too. No one ever wants to come with me; I don't know why," Tracy ponders. "But this year we're going together. I finally have a renaissance fair buddy!"

Barney and Robin exchange a look at the way she pronounces it just like Ted, and he guesses what they're thinking.

"I didn't teach her that either." He turns to Tracy explaining, "They always tease me about the way I say 'renaissance'."

"Why would you have to teach me?" Tracy marvels. "That's the proper pronunciation."

"Wow," Robin observes. "You guys _are_ perfect for each other."

"And we met thanks to you," Ted says. "….Which is fitting because you did promise me all those years ago that you'd help me find her."

"Yes, I did," Robin smiles.

"What about you two?" Tracy asks her and Barney. "How was your honeymoon?"

"Mm, _incredible_," Robin sighs, looking to her husband.

"Amazing," Barney echoes. The look stretches out between them and they slowly lean closer together. Robin is the first to move the rest of the way in and start kissing him, and in the very next second they're enthusiastically making out in the booth at MacLaren's.

"_Okay_," Tracy says, mildly startled. "I guess so….I feel like we shouldn't be watching this," she says to Ted.

"Oh you'll have to get used to them. They're like this all the time. You should have been around a few years back. We'd have to all but turn the hose on them."

Robin pauses in their kissing, muttering against Barney's mouth, "We can hear you, you know."

Barney kisses her once more. "Turn the hose on us all you like. It still won't stop R-Train and B-Nasty from gettin' busy." However, he does ease a respectable space apart, although he keeps his arm around her and his opposite hand on her thigh as he tells Tracy, "And we do owe it in part to you. After Robin and I dated the first time I never stopped loving her. By some miracle we were able to stay best friends, and over the next three years there were some near misses. I wanted to be with her more than anything but after everything that had happened I was gun-shy and…." He hesitates for only a second before just admitting it now; there's no reason not to. "I was _afraid_, afraid to put myself out there only to get hurt again." Though the others can't see it, underneath the table Robin reaches for Barney's hand on her thigh, entwining their fingers. "You gave me the perspective and courage I needed to really pursue Robin and just lay it all out on the line this time. I don't know if I would have gotten there on my own, and it may have been too late when I did."

"Yes, and your advice to me helped too," Robin thanks her. "I'd always been terrified of marriage and I was freaking out until I ran into you and you told me to just calm down and breathe and _then_ think it through."

"Well I just wish I could have said something more," Tracy responds. "But I didn't know you then. I mean I still don't really know you now – not _yet_. I hope to…."

"Me too," Robin assures her with a kind smile. And she genuinely means it. Tracy seems like a cool person, and it might be nice to have another true female friend, especially with Lily gone for a year.

"If I'd seen then what I've seen now," Tracy continues, "just watching the two of you together for three seconds I would have been able to instantly see you're crazy in love."

"We really are," Robin agrees, glancing over to her husband, and Barney leans in to kiss her again.

Both couples stick around for a couple hours after that, talking and drinking and getting to know each other. But by the time it gets to be just after eleven Barney announces they have to get back home.

"We have a new puppy waiting for us," Robin offers by way of explanation to Tracy.

"Yeah," Barney nods. "And we don't like to leave Legendary alone for too long…."

Ted gives him a look that clearly communicates he doesn't believe them.

"Okay, fine," Barney admits with a grin. "We're actually heading back home for some legendary 'alone time'."

"Translated to: you guys are gonna be rounding third base in the cab?" Ted guesses.

Barney gives him his on the nose gesture. "_Legendary_!" he smirks.

* * *

><p>A week and a half later, after a hectic Monday, Robin beats Barney home. Walking straight through the empty apartment she makes a beeline for their bedroom and her stash at the bottom of her nightstand. With her coveted box and lighter in hand, she opens the French doors and heads out onto the balcony to smoke a much-needed cigarette.<p>

She's always been a stress smoker and after today it's no wonder she's hurrying to light up. She hasn't had a work day this bad since the days of Becky and _Come On, Get Up New York!_. After this she's desperately looking forward to another nine days of vacation come this weekend.

It was somewhat bold to expect more time off after having recently taken two weeks off for her wedding, but she's a rising star at the network and thus has some clout now. And the reasoning behind her time request – this weekend she and her husband will be returning to her hometown to celebrate their heritage on Canada Day, and then the following week is the Fourth of July when she wants to celebrate her American citizenship too – aren't exactly easy to turn down and still come off looking PC, so the network easily granted her request. But she has to get through four more work days to make it there – and right now curving her lips around this little nicotine-filled champion is helping.

She hates herself for it though. It's been seven months since she smoked and every time she swears it's going to be her last one.

But anxiety, tension, and stress have been her triggers since the first cigarette she ever had at age eighteen. Thankfully, she's never become a chain smoker and can always walk away cold turkey with just a cigarette here and there when the pressure gets to be too much. Other than the one week period surrounding when Don first started at _Come On, Get Up New York!_ and refused to wear pants, the closest she came to actually having a true smoking habit was back when she was dating Ted.

Barney knew all about her smoking because back in early 2006 he caught her at the bottom of the steps of MacLaren's smoking a cigarette huddled in the corner where she hoped none of the gang could see her from the street above. But he kept her secret, and during her eventual relationship with Ted sharing a smoke with Barney out in the back alley behind MacLaren's became a regular thing. While they smoked sometimes they just enjoyed a companionable silence, but just as often she'd unburden herself to him about the stressor _causing_ her to smoke. That first time he caught her it was stress from her dead-end position at Metro News 1. Later on when it became their regular thing it was almost always the stress of dating Ted.

There were just so many ways that the two of them were different, so many things about herself that he didn't approve of and to spare herself his judgment and lectures she had to keep hidden from him. She was hiding just how extreme her love for firearms was – he didn't know about all the many guns she had hidden around her apartment or about her subscription to the gun enthusiast's magazine; he didn't know the truth about Robin Sparkles, though when she gave him a fake explanation he wasted no time blabbing it to all the others; he didn't know about her dysfunctional background; he was clueless about her smoking, something she knew she could never share with him; he was critical about the number of sex partners she had so she had to fudge those numbers too. And sometimes the sheer Ted of him could get to be too much for her, with his architecture talk and dad jokes and 'Crossword Day'. There were times when her nerves were already wearing so thin that she'd just want to smack him when he pronounced renaissance that way – and then aggressively tried to get her to go to the renaissance fair with him. In short, suppressing her true nature in order to be Ted's girlfriend at times just got so _exhausting_. And so she'd complain to Barney while they de-stressed together, smoking cigarettes in the alley outside the bar after everyone else had left.

Thankfully for them both, she and Ted each now have the person they're meant to be with and there's no more pretending or suppressing required. Unfortunately for her however, she's still working in a high stress environment what with her wayward co-anchor and all.

It's _always_ the co-anchors; they're the scourge of her existence. WWN was a huge step up, but far be it for her to ever have a completely professional work environment.

While Robin keeps smoking and ruing her day, Barney lets himself into their apartment, home now from work himself. All of the lights are off, which isn't that big of a deal since it's only half past six and the first day of summer was just last week, meaning there's plenty of daylight to illuminate the rooms. What's odd about is it the absence of any TV or music, just utter silence. Everything is quiet. Too quiet. It's the kind of heavy quiet when something's wrong.

"Robin, are you here?" She should be. This morning she told him she was coming straight home, and when they talked on the phone at lunch they were making plans to have a quiet night and just order dinner in.

Legendary comes out to greet him but there's still no sign of his wife until Robin's distant answer comes that she's in the bedroom. Barney walks in there too and finds her out on the balcony, cigarette in hand. "Whoa. You _must_ be upset if you're smoking," he says as he crosses the room to join her outside. "I haven't seen you with a cigarette since back during "The Robin" when I wouldn't sleep with you."

Robin tilts her head in acknowledgment. That was indeed the cause of her smoking relapse eight months ago – but that was a whole different kind of stress and frustration. "I had a bad day at work," she tells him, turning back toward the railing to blow smoke over the side.

"What happened?" Barney asks, coming up behind her and putting his arms around her waist.

She leans back against him in the comfort of his embrace, sighing heavily enough that he can feel it against his chest. "Sandy Rivers happened. You once called yourself the Player King. Well, he's the Sexual Harassment King of New York City," she sarcastically informs him.

Barney frowns. "He didn't hit on you, did he?"

"No. He knows better than that," she puts his mind at ease. "Sandy gave up on trying to sleep with me a while ago. Plus he knows now that I'm married and actually in love with my spouse. But there's a reason he didn't get invited to our wedding; he'll try to sleep with anything that's breathing – willing or not – and then force the story on everyone. He's a completely unprofessional, all-around mess."

Barney places a kiss to her temple, gathering her even closer to him. "What did he do this time?"

Robin takes another long draw from her cigarette before launching into the tale that gets her riled all over again just repeating it. "We were doing a story on a cock ring," she begins wearily.

"Uh-oh."

"Yep. It's exactly what you're thinking," she replies, knowing Barney's sharp mind has already jumped to the correct conclusion. "But this was on live TV, and it was a serious thing. The cockfighting ring they'd busted was tied to a major drug cartel. It was an important story. But of course Sandy hadn't done any of his background research, and as you can imagine he did not talk about that kind of cock ring. He talked about the time one got stuck on _his_ cock. In graphic detail. Trying to shut him up and explain to him how he'd gotten it wrong – all while live on the air – was one of the most embarrassing moments of my career. And now the network is facing an FCC fine."

Barney has to admit the whole thing is kind of funny. One day he can even picture them watching the footage together and laughing over poor Robin's stunned and embarrassed reaction. But much like when she fell into horse manure all those years ago, he knows his wife well enough to know that now is too soon for her to see the humor in it. So he shelves laughing over it together for another day and instead rubs his hand softly over her hip in commiseration. "How hasn't he gotten fired by now?"

Robin shakes her head, releasing another trail of smoke into the air. "I don't know. No one does. People are taking bets on it down at the station….I think maybe he has something on someone. It's the only explanation that makes any sense."

"Even if he does, that's only going to last him so long. You keep hanging in there, baby. Don't get discouraged now," he gently reassures her. "You've come so far and your name is on the rise. You've already overshadowed him. It's only a matter of time before you eclipse him completely and then you'll never have to deal with that idiot again."

Barney's encouragement has already boosted Robin's spirits from what they were. When she first got here the number one instinct coursing through her was to shoot something. That wasn't an option so her secondary instinct was to go for a cigarette, and she's still on edge enough not to be finished with it yet.

"But in the meantime I'm smoking again," she says in frustration, taking another draw. "And I honestly did want to quit. You should too," she tells him in all serious. "I know I used to laugh it off and be the first to say I didn't want anyone telling me how to live my life, but we're getting older now…." She snuggles back into him, setting her hand over his on her waist. "And we have a lot to live for."

"Well if you're really serious about quitting I can get you off of cigarettes in no time," Barney boldly claims.

"Oh really?" she questions, a hint of amusement plain in her voice for the theory she senses is coming next. "And how is that? You know smoking's been my stress relief for years, since before I met you."

"Exactly. _Before_ you met me. Now that you've got me you have no need for cigarettes." He outstretches his hands, clearing his throat theatrically. "I offer myself as stress relief."

Robin smiles at that. "Talking to you _has_ helped a lot," she acknowledges. "But unfortunately I'm still smoking," she regretfully points out, holding up the cigarette in her fingers.

"That's because while talking with you is great, in this case you need something stronger than talking alone. Lucky for you, you're married to a sexpert – and sex is the greatest stress relief of them all."

"Is that so?" she grins.

"It's basic science that sex is good for you."

"You sound like a horny seventeen year-old," she laughs.

"Mock if you will," he playfully replies, "but any doctor will confirm it. Sex is the ultimate cure-all. Oxytocin more than quadruples during sex, creating a natural pain reliever to fix anything from a migraine to a sore back. And sex fights cancer in men. Men who ejaculate twenty-one times a month – that's not even once a day – have a 33% less chance of developing prostate cancer."

"With sex less than once a day?" Robin marvels mischievously. "Well then you _never_ have to worry about that."

"Thanks to the way you and I go at it, no I won't," Barney smirks suggestively. "But sex has its benefits for women too. A woman's estrogen levels double during sex. It'll make your hair shiny and your skin softer. And more importantly to your problem at the moment, sex releases endorphins that naturally decrease stress and stimulate a state of euphoria. True story."

"Alright. You've persuaded me," Robin replies, turning her head on his shoulder so her lips are near his. "Let me try." She presses her mouth to his and already he expertly starts out the kiss with just the right amount of pressure and intensity, not coming on too strong but enough to make her want more. To that end, she turns in his arms so she's facing him, and Barney gradually increases the passion of their kissing – including that swirling thing with his tongue that always does it for her – until her fingers are up in his hair and they're both breathing heavily.

Slowly drawing back, she shakily confirms, "You're right. You are _way_ better than a cigarette." She drops hers onto the balcony, stomping it out with the toe of her heeled sandal and kicking it over the side to flutter unneeded down to the ground below. Then her mouth is back on his for several more long moments, her hand fisted in his tie.

Breaking away, Robin gives him a breathless, seductive smile. "Come de-stress me some more…." she whispers, taking Barney's hand and leading him back into their bedroom.

From that night on, she always comes to him whenever she's feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and after an hour in bed with him – or in the shower, or on the couch, or in one of their offices, or just against the wall – she's left feeling boneless and sated and by the time they talk it all out afterwards she doesn't have a care in the world.

And this time it really was Robin's last cigarette ever.

* * *

><p>The next four weeks go by quickly. There's the trip back to Robin's hometown so she can get Barney in touch with his Canadian roots. Then they hurry back home to celebrate the Fourth of July in New York City. A couple weeks later the GNB raid finally goes down, and just four days after that it's Robin's 33rd birthday.<p>

Robin never treated birthdays as a big deal. Unlike Lily, as an adult Robin never thought a fuss should be made over her. Perhaps a simple gathering of friends, a cupcake with a single candle at MacLaren's, just something low-key. As a rule, Barney doesn't disagree. He doesn't make a huge spectacle out of his birthdays either. Outwardly he calls it 'one more year of being awesome' but it's actually one year closer to crow's feet – and that's nothing to celebrate.

But it's different with Robin. She didn't just outgrow the need to be fussed over on her birthday. Robin _never_ got to experience that in the first place. When she was very young she got to have some traditional birthday parties, most of which she was too young to even remember, but she did tell him about one particular birthday that stood out for her when she turned eight years old and her mother bought her a princess dress. It had pink ruffles and frills and lace, and she heard her parents having a huge fight about it the night before her birthday. As an adult she still marvels over how her mom managed it but somehow she got her way and the next day at the party Robin got to wear her little pink gown. The dress even had a tiny silver tiara for her hair. And for the first and only time in her life she actually _felt_ like a princess. But after the divorce her mother wasn't around to fight for her and Robin rarely even got a party anymore. Birthdays meant a handshake, a sip of scotch, being thrown out of a helicopter and tossed into the Canadian wilderness to 'learn how to be a man'.

It hurts Barney to think about what she's been through. Robin deserves more than a few lovely single digit birthdays, and so on this first birthday of their married life Barney wants to make a fuss over her and show her how special she is to _him_. He has a whole surprise agenda for today, starting with breakfast in bed. He and Legendary got up early and tip-toed their way out of the room to go get things ready for her. Right now the maple syrup is already heated and the pancakes are just seconds away from being done.

Back in their bedroom, Robin slowly begins to stir awake. Rolling over unto her side, she reaches her arm across to sling over her husband but only touches empty air. Opening her eyes she, indeed, finds his side of the bed empty. One quick look tells her the bathroom door is open and unoccupied. She's just wondering where he's gone off to when the bedroom door comes slowly sliding open. But, again, her eyes meet empty air and she knows that can only mean one thing: Legendary is the one returning, not Barney.

Yawning, Robin stretches and sits up just as the little dog is jumping onto the bed. Now that the bedroom door is wide open she can hear sounds coming from the kitchen – clattering of mugs, something being set down on the counter – and she figures Barney got up ahead of her to have coffee waiting.

"Is Barney out there making coffee?" she asks Legendary, reaching out to pet him. He just gives her a lazy puppy grin, snuggling into her lap for some loving.

Robin sits back against the pillows, continuing to stroke Legendary's head and back as the memories of last night coming flooding through her mind. It had been one for the record books. They'd used the sex lounge and all of its amenities. Two months in, it's finally stopped frightening the daylights out of Legendary when they activate it. Now they just give him a signal, he hops onto his bed and barely bats an eye when their bed goes into the wall to be replaced with another floor panel and their assortment of special chairs, contraptions, and toys. It was somewhere around two a.m. when, both exhausted and thoroughly satisfied, they put things back as they were, threw on some pajamas, and climbed into bed for the night.

She giggles softly to herself just thinking about it. Their friends still have no idea they converted Barney's former ill-conceived Ho Be Gone system into their own private playground. No doubt they'd consider them depraved if they knew the truth. Not that she's ashamed in the least of their healthy sexual appetite for each other, but it is rather hot having this dirty little secret that only the two of them know about.

Still petting their little puppy, Robin looks contentedly around the room as the early morning sunshine comes streaming in through the balcony doors. Like a magnetic draw, her eyes settle as they always do on the pictures from their wedding.

Their formal wedding prints arrived while they were in Canada. It was a pleasant surprise to find them waiting there when they got back and they straightaway set out to tweaking the apartment to make room for them. Here in the bedroom on the corner of the desk they put the picture of their very first kiss as husband and wife. Out in the living room on the wall by the closet replacing the drawing of a woman with a snake is a picture of the two of them with Barney dipping her down into the kiss while her fingers are buried up in his hair. On the living room entertainment center they have a smaller picture of the two of them walking back up the aisle hand-in-hand, and a picture of their first dance in all its glittered spectacle. On the other wall by the door where the close-up print of a woman's rear end and legs once used to be now hangs a picture of the moment forever frozen in time when she first got up to the altar and she and Barney are lovingly gazing at each other so giddy with the biggest, goofiest grins on their faces.

Robin loves all of their wedding pictures but her very favorite is the one also in their bedroom sitting on the shelving unit against the far wall. It was taken at the very second Sam pronounced them husband and wife. It's her favorite because the way they're looking at each other – laughing and excited and so _overjoyed_ – is just priceless. In _all_ of the pictures and the video it's impossible not to see how ecstatic and delighted they are to be getting married and how very much they love each other.

She still remembers their wedding day vividly. And what she remembers isn't those fifteen minutes of panic. That's all a blur. Particularly those last eight minutes with Ted and then running away from the church seem like an out of body experience. But she recalls every second of the ceremony. Not just what was said but how it felt. Throughout the ceremony, their vows to each other, and the exchanging of their wedding ring, she was so overwhelmingly _happy_ and could literally feel how much Barney loves her. She'll never forget it as long as she lives.

That picture of their very first instant of married life, that's the one she's going to send to Jessica in her Christmas card this year. That lone picture says it all. Looking at it now, Robin has no doubt that 2013 has already been the best year of her life by far.

"Legendary! You're not supposed to be in here," Barney's voice gently scolds the dog. But it's said in a tone of such naked affection that Legendary just looks happily over at him, knowing he's not in trouble as he slides out of Robin's lap and over to the edge of the bed to greet him. "We're supposed to be letting your mom sleep in on her birthday."

"I was already awake," Robin assures him with a smile. "He didn't ruin anything." She finally takes her eyes off their little guy to look up at her husband and an immediate "Ohh" spills from her lips. "You made me breakfast?"

He just shrugs and grins. "It's your birthday. You deserve to be pampered."

"Aww, Barney."

He sets the tray down on the edge of the bed by her feet and right away Legendary starts sniffing at it. "Ah-ah. Your food's waiting out in your dish," Barney tells him. That's something Legendary immediately understands and instantly jumps down to go eat his own breakfast.

Now alone, Barney eases down on the bed to sit beside her, careful not to disturb the tray as he does, and Robin reaches for his left hand, pulling it into her lap and absently playing with his ring. He rubs a hand over her thigh through the bed covers, watching the reflective look on her face. "What are you thinking about?" he asks softly.

In the past, this would be where she'd evasively say 'It's stupid' and avoid his gaze, but he's told her that _nothing_ she thinks or says could ever be stupid to him and she knows she has this safe space to always tell him everything no matter how silly it might seem. So she looks up, meeting his eyes as she replies, "I was just remembering where I was on my last birthday….How drastically better things are now, how much happier I am. Last year at this time, things were pretty bleak."

Barney nods at that. It's a sentiment he can certainly relate to. But he senses she has more to say so he stays quiet and lets her finish.

"Last year on my birthday I thought the two of us were done forever, that you were going to marry Quinn and I'd be stuck with a lifetime of settling for nothing but great sex with a guy like Nick who I couldn't even talk to."

"Okay," Barney says, making a face. "I love that you want to share things with me, and I feel the same way about last year too. But can we _not_ talk about all the 'great sex'," he puts it in air quotes, "you had with Nick?"

Robin grins impishly, running her fingers over his. "Why can't we talk about it? If you let me finish you would have heard me say that as great as the sex was with Nick it's even better with you. _Way_ better. And with you, I have amazing sex and so much more. I have _this_. I have our whole life together. I wouldn't trade it for anything, Barney. Not anything."

He softly squeezes her hand. "I'm glad to hear it. Cause I'm not going anywhere. And I'd never let you trade me anyway," he adds smartly. At that moment Legendary comes strolling back into the room, evidently having wolfed down his breakfast in only a few minutes. When Barney sees him, he adds their little guy into the mix too. "And I sure as hell wouldn't have you trade your dog again for anything." Now that he has one of his own he can even more fully appreciate how cruel it was for Ted to suggest she give up her five dogs all those years ago.

"No, I'd never trade you," Robin smiles. "Either one of you. It's like you said on our wedding night; you're stuck with me now."

Barney shakes his head. "Not stuck. Lucky to have you. Although you will be getting stuck later tonight," he devilishly adjoins with a wink and a tongue click. Robin laughs at that, and even after all these years of knowing her Robin's laughter is still the best music to his ears. "I have a whole day planned for you," he tells her eagerly. "Dinner reservations after work, several undisclosed stops after that. It all begins with breakfast in bed but I've got a host of birthday surprises in store. You ready?"

Robin reaches for him and kisses him soundly. "Now I am."

* * *

><p><strong>Five Months Later<strong>

* * *

><p>It's a Friday evening after work, five days before Christmas, and Barney's just heading out of the elevator and down the hall to their apartment. Robin had the entire day off work and tonight they have plans to do up the place in complete yuletide cheer.<p>

He unlocks and opens the door, shutting it behind him as he sets his keys on the banister, and when he looks up he finds Robin standing on the other side, decorating their tree.

She bites her lip, knowing she's been caught. "I'm sorry. I couldn't wait. I got started early…..Just a little bit."

She already has last year's decorations – the clear, lighted garland and flameless candles – up around the entertainment center, and the red tree skirt is in place too. Barney can only laugh and shake his head. "Eager little minx. Not even waiting for your husband," he teases. "I could have taken my time at work instead of hurrying home."

"I put the lights up on the tree, but I saved the ties and ornaments until you got home," she offers sheepishly. "Besides, _I'm_ always worth hurrying home to."

"Yes, you are," he smiles.

"I couldn't help myself," she explains. "There's something about the smell of fresh pine….It got me all excited to make it look like Christmas in here."

He can believe that. Robin always had a tree in her apartment, and in the four Christmases she lived as Ted's roommate there was always a tree there too, even after Lily moved out and took her winter wonderland with her. While he enjoys the holiday too Barney was never much for decorating his own apartment, until last year. As part of the "The Robin" he'd wanted to show her how traditional and domesticated he could be underneath at all, and once she said 'yes' to his proposal it actually became real. The two of them shared a glorious Christmastime together full of laughter, love, and kisses – and outright sex – beneath the mistletoe.

They'd inadvertently started something of a tradition that was so much fun they both want to carry it on. They've agreed to get a real tree each year and decorate it in the same way as that first year together: with red and green lights, and solid red and green ties in lieu of garland. They both like that clean, simplistic look and don't want much else cluttering it up. Besides the ties – such a uniquely Barney touch, which is why Robin loves it – they have just the two ornaments to hang: one they bought last year to celebrate their engagement and first Christmas together, and one they bought this year to celebrate one year of being back together and their first Christmas as a _married_ couple. It had room for a little picture inside so they cut out a mini version of one of their wedding photos to fit into the tiny ornament frame.

Truth be known, it warms Barney's heart to see Robin this excited to decorate for Christmas all because their last one together was so spectacular. He's already made her a Halloween convert too.

Really, that transformation began two years before with Robin coming up with coordinating costumes for their shared Canadian heritage and then the two of them spending the Halloween party together talking and laughing and having a blast. Last Halloween they couldn't exactly coordinate their costumes considering the circumstances of her having Nick around and all, but they did still spent most of the party together in much the same way as they had the year prior.

This past Halloween they continued their tradition of dressing up – something Robin now loves to do when it's with _him_ – with their Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein outfits and makeup to play on their recent wedding. There's now a picture of the two of them in costume up on the entertainment center alongside their wedding photo. Marshall and Lily were even there to witness it. They flew back to New York for a week to visit, and because of her hectic schedule the only time they could wrangle was the last week in October. Though Lily had really wanted to spend Christmas at home with the gang, it turned out to be a good thing as it was the latest she was allowed to fly anyway. And that meant they all got to share Halloween together instead. All seven of them had a big party out at Ted's house where Marvin went trick-or-treating with Legendary.

It's all because of Robin that Barney's once lonely and empty life is now filled with happy memories like that one – and the one they're making right now. He is so glad that she's a guaranteed, permanent part of his life now, that they have this life _together_ and get to share everything with each other. It makes the things he used to hate so much easier to deal with and the things he already enjoyed, like Christmas and Halloween, a million times better experiencing them _with_ her.

Barney hasn't said anything for a few moments. He's just staring at her with this funny look on his face so Robin asks, amused, "What?"

His expression softens even further into a warm and tender smile. "I just _really_ love you."

She grins at that. "Good, cause I _really_ love you too."

Barney walks around the banister, shrugging out of his overcoat, and Robin admires the handsome figure he cuts in his latest suit, Ogden. "You're looking particularly attractive today," she flirtatiously compliments him. "And you're home early, an extra bonus."

He straightens his tie smugly in that classic Barney photo pose. "Well that's what comes from being the boss."

She hums soft and low. "Yes….You're completely in charge now. You tell everyone what to do and when to do it at your whim. That is so _hot_, Barney."

He smirks in silent reply. She's always had a thing for corporate power and authority going back as far as the days of Ted's failed start-up, Mosbius Designs. He used to have quite the time playing to it the first time they were together, and now that he's the actual CEO – and was responsible for the undercover FBI sting – it's like catnip for Robin. There's hardly been a time in his five months on the new job that she's come to visit him at work and it didn't end up with the two of them having sex in his office.

"You know what that does to me…." she reminds him, as if he needed the reminder. "But how do _you_ feel having all that influence and power? And popularity too. Everyone says you're the best thing to happen to the company. It's all over social media and the trade magazines."

"Please," Barney scoffs. "That's nothing. I'm married to _Robin Sparkles_. Not to mention one of World Wide News' most loved reporters. I'll gladly reap the benefits your power fetish – and at GNB and in the business world I _am_ a very powerful man," he owns it, letting a bit of slick seduction slip into his tone for her benefit. "But when we were out to dinner last night, which one of us got recognized, twice?"

Robin grins, pleased at that, and it makes Barney smile. His wife has always been one to crave and enjoy that kind of fame and he's glad it's finally coming to her.

"Although," he adds with playful if perhaps partially genuine resentment, "I thought that guy was out of line when he asked you to sign his bare chest. I mean I was _right_ _there_."

"Aww," she laughs, rubbing his shoulder. "But you're the only one I see – even when I'm signing other men's bodies."

Barney hooks his arms around her waist, drawing her body against his. "Oh so you're gonna make a habit of it, hmm?"

"You never know," she shrugs mischievously. "Ratings keep getting higher."

He gives her a cheeky grin and his hands slide down to her hips. "Well come in the bedroom with me. There's a permanent marker on the desk and I've got a certain part of my body I'd love to have you sign."

Rather than rolling eyes or laughter, like he'd expected, her eyes light up with anticipation. "_Can_ I sign it?" she enthusiastically requests. "I can picture it now: 'Robin's property'."

He grins, his eyes crinkling up at the corners as he nods boastfully. "Luckily I've got plenty of room for all those letters to fit."

Now Robin does laugh, and pulls him into a kiss too. Shivering with excitement in his arms, she grabs his hand eagerly. "Let's do it!"

"Whoa," he stops her as she tugs on his arm. "I was kidding. You're not seriously thinking about writing all over Lil' Barney, are you?"

"Why not? It'd be insanely sexy to see my name written there. Instant lady boner….No one else is gonna see it but me," she entices. "We don't have to use permanent mark...And I'm sure we can think of a way to rub it off afterwards," she seductively tempts.

This time it's Barney's eyes that light up as he reaches down and grabs her hand in his. "Let's go…."

Robin giggles, hurrying with him down the hall. "And then we decorate the tree! But Legendary's been in the water already so you'll have to refill."

Barney grimaces. Having a real tree can be challenging but it's become their tradition now and he can tell Robin loves decorating it and doing up their apartment in grand style for Christmas. Maybe because it's a cold weather holiday? Whatever the reason, every year he's going to give it to her no matter what it takes.

"I know," she commiserates. "It's a lot of work. But I got us spiked eggnog and a Christmas themed – "

"Snack?" he interrupts. "Tell me it's a gingerbread house that I can cut a hole in the floor of."

She shoots him a sexy little look. "You could consider it a snack. It all depends on what you're looking to eat…." she tells him suggestively. "It's a Christmas themed nightie for after all the decorating. In case you're feeling 'festive' a second time tonight."

He stops just inside their bedroom, pinning her with a look. "Oh, Robin. How many years have you known me?"

"You're right," she nods, deadpan. "Barney Stinson is _always_ feeling 'festive'."

"Can you blame him when he's married to Robin Scherbatsky? I can promise you, your husband is going to be feeling intensely 'festive' a second and a third time before the night is over – and maybe some more times besides if I don't tucker you out first."

She reaches for him, running her hands over his chest. "_I'm_ feeling pretty 'festive' right now….Let's get to marking my territory," she murmurs, already unfastening his belt and going for his zipper next.

"Merry Christmas to me," he growls.

"Ooh! Speaking of, can we decorate him too? Instead of a star maybe put a little hat on top? A top hat!"

She's got his pants completely undone now and Barney eagerly rushes to keep up, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and pulling it over her head. "How about we put Lil' Robin on top?"

"That can be arranged….." Robin whispers appreciatively. "Off the bed, Legendary," she instructs their puppy as she goes to the desk to grab a marker. Holding her husband's gaze in a heated look of pure sex, she announces, "It's human playtime."

Legendary knows what that means. To avoid the noise, rocking bed, and flying clothes that are soon to come, with a wagging tails he ambles down the hallway to wait it out in the living room, content to enjoy another drink from the new tree that's sprouted up in the corner.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: This got so much longer than I originally anticipated! I'm not sure if that will keep being the case with the other chapters; it's really anyone's guess. I have specific things I want to cover in each year (scenes and dialogue and so forth) and it's just a matter of where the stories go from there. Sometimes there ends up being more there than I imagined and sometimes less, so we'll see.

To be refreshed on additional happenings of 2013: Barney and Robin's honeymoon was featured in the chapter for 9.16; Robin and Barney's trip to Canada can be found in my oneshot "Canada Day", though keep in mind I wrote it back in 2012 before the events of 9.12 and Barney's Canada appreciation so there's a bit more Canada mockery in that one than perhaps Barney would be doing anymore (though I can't see him giving it up entirely if just for the fun of teasing her!); the details of the GNB bust are in 9.15's chapter; and Barney and Robin's half anniversary in November of 2013 can be found in the chapter for 9.07.

Also, someone asked in a review which chapter featured the brief flashback to Robin and Barney going to her aunt's farm to give up her dogs. That was in the chapter for 8.05. (And while I don't usually respond directly to reviews, mostly because sometimes I get behind, I just want to thank all of you who've taken the time to write a review. I read and appreciate all of them. Your responses truly do mean a lot to me, and I thank you all for your kind words.)

The next chapter is all about 2014! But I'll be updating "A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings" first so there will be a bit of a break in between.


	76. 2014

**AN**: I am so sorry for the long wait. If you're readers of my other fic you may already know that I got very sick this summer and ended up in the hospital, which was the reason for the lack of update for so many months. I'm all better now, but this fall I took on an additional temp position at work that's kept me working six days a week. Needless to say, leisure time has been few and far between but I've been writing whenever I get a spare moment (and it helps that I already have prewritten outlines and even dialogue for some scenes). So updates may still be slow through the end of the year and then things will go back to normal, but there will never be another wait this long! I feel so bad for keeping people hanging and I hope I still have some readers left. But here is an extra-long chapter (21,000+ words) that will hopefully help make up for the long wait.

* * *

><p><strong>2014<strong>

* * *

><p>Come New Year's Eve, with Lily and Marshall still in Italy and Ted and Tracy off celebrating privately, Barney and Robin too are on their own. Not that they mind. In fact the slight splintering of the group is something that happened naturally and was starting to happen before their wedding, even before Ted had a girlfriend. They still all see each other regularly. Robin and Barney skype with Lily and Marshall both separately and together, and they see Ted and Tracy on a weekly basis, but they've all grown up now and have lives of their own so the days of hanging out together <em>every<em> night at the bar have passed.

With just the two of them, Barney and Robin are free to make whatever plans they want. In trying to figuring it out they realize that neither one of them has ever been to Times Square as revelers – just Robin's one very hectic time covering it for World Wide News – so they decide to go there to ring in the New Year. However they very quickly discover it's much too crowded to be enjoyable.

As an alternative they head to MacLaren's, but it too is loud and crowded. There's a group already in their booth and, standing near the bar instead, they keep getting bumped into and having drinks spilled on them. Maybe they _are_ too old for this stuff…..

By the time eleven o'clock rolls around Barney asks Robin if they can just go home and it's like he read her mind.

Back at the apartment, they change into their pajamas and settle in beside the big TV, ready to watch the ball drop from the comfort and warmth of their living room. But sitting snuggled up together soon leads to flirting, which leads to kissing, which leads to fooling around.

Now sitting sideways, neither one of them is even facing the TV anymore as they enthusiastically makeout. Breaking the kiss, Robin climbs onto his lap. "This is familiar," she remarks breathlessly. "Remember last New Year's Eve?"

"Mmmm, yes I do." How could he forget? It was in those first weeks after they just got back together and they couldn't keep their hands off one another for so much as a minute because getting to make love to each other again was still so new. They were all over each other in a brief but nevertheless passionate session that surpassed even the hotness of their clandestine trysts during their secret summer. Sighing fondly just recalling it, Barney grips the hem of her t-shirt in the here-and-now and lifts it up over her head.

Robin bends to kiss his neck while her hands move over his already bare chest. "But this is a lot more comfortable than the bathroom stall at MacLaren's," she murmurs, moving her mouth up to suck his earlobe.

He runs his hands up her thighs in response. "And this year is even better because we're married now."

At his sweet remark, her lips pause on his skin and she lifts her head to smile down at him just as the broadcast on TV is proclaiming ten minutes until 2014. The announcement gives her an idea. "You know what we could do to make this year even more different?" she suggests seductively, and his face lights up. "No, not _that_ – I told you; it's never that...We could set our rhythm to the countdown."

Barney's eyes light up again with even more excitement. "Yes!" he gasps. "It'll be like they're cheering us on. Countdown to climax, I love it!"

Robin nods, grinning. "Exactly."

"See, this is why I married you," he says in awe seconds before he kisses her, and she giggles as she pulls him down on top of her.

They don't quite finish at midnight – when they go, they _really_ go – but somewhere near the end of Sinatra's "New York, New York" they both fall over the edge into ecstasy.

As they're redressing afterwards and Barney's pouring them both a glass of champagne they decide it's going to be a new tradition with them. "Wherever we are and whatever we're doing – "

"Times Square, MacLaren's, a party, you name it," Robin agrees.

" – we'll find a way to make love at midnight and always welcome in the near year with a bang, what up!" And they high five to make it official.

* * *

><p>The rest of the bitter New York winter goes by blessedly quickly and before they know it, it's spring – and this spring is an especially good one.<p>

Late May 2014 proves to be a happy time for their little group. Lily and Marshall welcomed their second child – a daughter – at the end of January, Ted and Tracy just called everyone last night from Farhampton to announce their engagement, and Barney and Robin are leaving today for a first anniversary trip to Italy.

They both felt sad leaving Legendary at the dog spa the night before but, surprisingly, it was Barney who fell apart and who Robin had to drag away nearly in tears before he "busted the little bro out". It took Robin convincing him that the dog spa they chose was so luxurious it would be like a mini-vacation for Legendary too – along with convincing him that with all the female dogs around this could be their golden retriever's first chance at love.

Now this morning, May 26th 2014, with the two of them officially married for exactly one year, Barney decides to sneak out of their bedroom early to wake Robin up with breakfast in bed.

When she sees him standing there beside the bed, tray in hand, his feet bare and hair still tousled from sleep, wearing only his pajama bottoms, the sight of her husband alone has to compete heavily with his surprise for her. But she's touched by his effort all the same. "Aww, Barney," she coos, smiling and rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

He returns her smile instantly. All these years later, it's still an inherent reaction; she smiles and it naturally brings out a smile in him. "It's not much," he shrugs. Since they're leaving for a two-week trip overseas and don't want to return to a fridge full of spoiled food, they've already cleared out the kitchen. This is literally the last of what they have on hand – besides liquor. "Bagels, cold cereal with the last of the milk, one Greek yogurt to share, and just enough creamer left for your coffee."

"It's perfect."

Barney sets it all down on the nightstand so she can sit up and situate herself without jostling the tray. Once his hands are free, he leans down to kiss her. "Happy anniversary."

"Happy anniversary," Robin whispers back.

Her mouth forms the cutest little smile and he can tell she's happy through and through, but she's also thinking something that amuses her. "What?" he laughs along with her.

"I was just thinking about how silly I was." He gives her a look, and she's known him long enough to know it means he wants her to elaborate. "I wasted so much time afraid to be with you."

Barney eases down onto the bed beside her. "Well, some of that was my fault. I didn't tell you how I felt. How were you supposed to know?"

"Even after I realized how much you love me and that you want this forever, I was still afraid of marriage, though. It was the uncertainty, never knowing what the future might bring and if we could handle it without falling apart and losing each other – because in my experience nothing good ever lasted." She shakes her head at her own naivety. "But now I know how _ridiculous_ that was. There's nothing uncertain about marriage. Being married to you is the most certain and sure and predictable my life has ever been."

"Hey, that hurts a little," he frowns.

Robin laughs, rubbing his arm affectionately. "I mean it in a good way. _We're_ not predictable. Every day brings some new challenge or adventure or excitement, even on the lazy weekends when we never leave this apartment. But even without knowing what any given day might bring, there's still one thing that's absolutely certain: it's gonna be _awesome_ and the happiest I could possibly be because I'm spending it with you."

She watches his face soften and melt into that warm, loving expression he's only ever turned her way. "I love you."

"And I love you." She presses a tender kiss to his lips, sliding her arms around his neck. "You'd still have me a year later, then?"

"Please," he scoffs. "I know better than to ever let go of the best thing that's ever happened to me. You just try to get rid of me."

"Never," she shakes her head, leaning in to kiss him again, this time longer, opening her mouth into his. They indulge in an unhurried makeout secession, all mouths and lips and tongues, because no matter how many times they've kissed at this point it never stops being good, so good that sometimes it's nice to just enjoy their kissing purely for the kissing alone.

After several long minutes, Robin softly sighs, closing her eyes, setting her forehead to his and just breathing him in; his skin still smells of aftershave from the night before and it's heavenly…..Heavenly enough to make her want to forget anything else but celebrating in their very best way. She's about to kiss him again and get to all that celebrating when he moves back, gesturing to the tray on the nightstand next to them.

"So, I gave you the last blueberry bagel," Barney shows her. "There was just enough maple syrup left to mix in with the butter the way you like, and your juice has exactly three ice cubes in it just like you – " He cuts off when he sees his wife's raised eyebrow and adoring smile, and he knows what she's thinking. They can read each other's thoughts that way, finish each other's sentences, know exactly how the other one takes their coffee and all their other food. It seems they're just a hop, skip, and a jump away from telling one another everything they ate, a la Marshall and Lily. "Robin," he quips, "have we become a boring old married couple?" That used to be on his list of things most dreaded, but if _this_ is what being a boring old married couple is then he understands why the Teds of the world were so desperate to get here.

"No," Robin answers easily. "We're not that." She reaches out for him, pulling him back in close. "I don't think a boring married couple would do what we did with the thawed out top of our wedding cake last night, or that last move in the sex swing," she provocatively reminds him.

He hums low, smirking as he wraps his arms around her bare waist – still naked from the night before as they were too tired by the end of things to bother getting dressed. "That was some Olympian quality sex. I didn't even know the human body could bend that way."

Smiling, she drops a trail of kisses along his jawline. "And I've thought of a new variation to try when we get back."

"You're right; we _are_ fully awesome."

"Mm-hmm. But before breakfast," she proposes, sliding down on the pillows to lie flat on her back, "….how about you give your wife an anniversary quickie?"

Barney sheds his pants in a heartbeat, pulling back the covers and joining her underneath them. His hands find her hips and his lips are on hers instantly, kissing her intently as he rolls his body up over hers, propped up on his elbows. "Or how about I take my time and give my wife _at least_ two or three incredible anniversary orgasms?" He bends down, nibbling on her earlobe as he whispers, "Our flight doesn't leave until 1."

"This is already the best day ever," she exhales shakily as his mouth works over her neck now.

He lifts his face to look down at her. "My incredibly hot wife lying naked beneath me asking for a quickie before we fly off to Italy for two weeks straight of even more sex – crazy European sex too? I'd say that's pretty _legendary_," he grins.

"Get over here and give me legendary," Robin laughs, pulling him the rest of the way on top of her.

"Any time," Barney promises. And then his mouth is on hers and there's no more need for words.

* * *

><p>Barney and Robin had thought about Italy a year ago when they were planning their honeymoon so they already had this first anniversary trip all mapped up. They've arranged to spend the second half of their vacation in Rome to both see the sights and visit Marshall and Lily for a few days, since they don't return to New York until mid-July.<p>

But first they start out in Florence. It's on Robin's list of dream travel spots and Barney wants to make her dream come true in its entirety. That means a stay at the Four Seasons Hotel Firenze, a wish that dates back to Robin's college days when she saw the historic building in a travel brochure at age nineteen.

The hotel is actually made up of two Renaissance-era palaces and its ornate interior design certainly holds up to that heritage. Everything is grand and plush and dripping in old world opulence and luxury.

"This is like visiting a different age," Robin tells Barney on the first full day of their stay as they walk through the halls.

"It's like staying in a museum," he agrees.

Looking around at the huge arched windows, she nods and adds, "Or a castle. Did you know a Pope once lived here?"

"Well if his ghost is haunting the place then he just got scandalized by what we did last night! And that was us only warming up."

Robin laughs, hooking her arm through his as they go out to explore the grounds.

* * *

><p>Over the next few days Robin and Barney indulge themselves in all the many amenities the hotel has to offer.<p>

They stroll through the Giardino della Gherardesca, otherwise known as "the hidden garden", drinking wine and taking in the scenery. It's one of the largest gardens in Florence, but as a walled garden it's kept entirely reserved for guests only, thereby offering the greatest in seclusion and privacy.

The gardens are full of giant trees, statues, and fountains, and the scenery is breathtaking – all the more so when, down a particularly secluded path, they happen to use the trunk of one of those giant trees to make love against.

Then there's swimming and sunbathing at the hotel's large pool and open-air bar, and they both make use of the spa as Barney still believes in regular mani-pedis.

It takes days before the two eventually get around to exploring the city at large.

They walk along the Ponte Vecchio, buy some things at the shops for her, for him, and for the apartment. They even find Legendary a stylish new collar crafted from some sort of special fine Italian leather that makes Barney drool and proclaim they _must_ buy it. They love the area so much they return the next day to have dinner at sunset.

Barney and Robin spend their time in Florence in a way completely befitting the two of them: a full week of sightseeing, soaking up the local culture, and having adventures by day, then heating up the sheets by night.

They cap off their stay with a delicious and unhurried traditional-style, multi-course Italian meal. After dinner, they find one of those quaint little squares Robin always imagined to stroll through at night, just enjoying the city and the romance of a starlit sky.

Of course, enjoying the city inevitably includes enjoying each other, especially after several drinks with that long and unhurried meal, and they end up sending a picture to the gang of the two of them Frenching in the courtyard – with the caption: 'Tonguing in Italy' – before going back to the hotel to _really_ take advantage of all those things the human mouth can do that are so much better than talking.

On that last night in Florence, Barney and Robin engage in a rather interesting sex bet. The game is who can stay quiet the longest while the other does everything in their power to drive them to distraction. And because they're them – both highly competitive people who take their challenges very seriously, even sex ones; perhaps especially sex ones – they take turns and time it on his phone. If he wins, she agrees to walk around the apartment completely naked for an entire weekend – _and_ they do it, as Barney euphemistically puts it, "someplace we're not supposed to". With such a high wager, Robin comes up with equally advanced stakes for him: if she wins, she gets to make him suit down and dress casually in the outfit of _her_ choice for an entire day.

Barney ends up losing the bet when he lets out a pronounced groan 2.2 seconds before he made Robin audibly moan.

The next morning, her husband is aghast at such cruel sartorial payback – "A baseball cap even!" – but, to be nice, Robin chose travel day knowing he'll actually be much more comfortable this way. However, she makes him pose for a picture to immortalize the moment….and show all their friends.

They've just arrived at the train station when Barney turns to Robin with sparkling eyes and the kind of animated expression he always gets when he's about to present one of his rules, scales, or challenges. "A thought just occurred to me. Over a decade ago," he begins dramatically, "I crafted a list of every vehicle – land-based, aquatic, and airborne – in or on which it's possible to have sex."

Robin sighs, smiling, and shakes her head at him. "And there are thirty-three such vehicles; I'm very familiar."

"Yes, and for years those last two eluded me," he continues to make his case – for what, she genuinely doesn't know.

"But we finished it for you," she interrupts, confused. "All you needed was bobsled – which we did when we were in Canada last year – and you finally got to cross off the Apollo 11 space capsule back in February."

Barney grins at the memory. He'd pulled some strings to get them into the Smithsonian afterhours as a Valentine's Day gift to two newlyweds. "The FBI owed me."

"I still can't believe you talked me into that."

"You loved it," he counters suggestively. "You were the one screaming 'one giant _freak_ for mankind' while we were having sex inside."

She rolls her eyes. "I did not say that."

"Maybe not. But you _were_ screaming." That she can't dispute, and he chuckles wickedly. "Now I want to experience sex in a gondola."

"I know for a fact you already hit that one," Robin argues. "It was already crossed off your list."

"Yeah, but that was at The Venetian in Vegas. This is my chance to do it in an authentic Italian gondola." Barney slips his arm around her waist, sliding his hand down low against her hip. "This is _our_ chance," he persuades, drawing her closer. "I really should redo the list with just you and me anyway."

Robin considers that, and it actually does sound like fun. "We've already done it in at least half of them….So you want to go to Venice," she reads his mind. "That's completely out of the way, you know."

"But, look." He points to the fare screens above the ticket desk. "It's only a two hour ride….And then I can give _you_ a two hour ride," he says, performing a slow, exaggerated air hip-thrust as demonstration. "Come on, Robin. When else in life will we get this opportunity?"

"It would be nice to see Venice," she admits. "….Alright. We can stay there a couple of days, knock off one more vehicle."

"Yes!" Barney cheers excitedly.

And without even looking, Robin completes the high five she knew was coming. "But _you're_ in charge of finding us a hotel – and a gondola."

* * *

><p>It's their second night in Venice and Barney has it all figured out. At least he says he does as he and Robin creep through the empty sidewalk in the middle of the night.<p>

"It's just on the other side of that bridge," he claims, pointing directly ahead of them to the little stone and wrought iron arched bridge spanning the narrow canal.

"Are you sure about this?" Robin questions. The whole thing seems somewhat questionable – but she can't deny that element of risk is adding to the excitement.

"Of course I'm sure. I've got a guy."

"You have a guy for _this_?"

"No. I have a Guy Guy – an _international_ Guy Guy – who can get me any guy I need. Including a Venetian Gondola Guy."

She looks to him, amused. "You know, you could have just asked the concierge."

"Where to find a gondola, yes. But not where to find a gondola he can guarantee will be deserted for a one a.m. sexcapade," Barney reasons with a flourish.

Robin shakes her head, smiling. "You're still an idiot. _My_ idiot."

He grins. "Let's go."

They start out across the bridge and as they approach the middle Robin gapes in wonder. "Look," she says, walking over to stand by the railing, taking it all in.

The bright moonlight reflecting on the water as it shines down on the little stone bridge and the old-world buildings that hug the canal makes for a postcard quality picturesque sight. "It's beautiful."

"Gorgeous," Barney agrees. But he's not looking at the scenery at all, only at his wife in her fitted blue dress, bathed by that same moonlight.

Robin turns to look at him as he joins her at the railing. From the look in his eyes she realizes what he meant and leans over to softly kiss him. "Did you ever think we'd end up here?" she asks when they break away.

"On this bridge?" he teases.

She smiles, nudging his shoulder playfully. "You know what I mean."

"Did I ever think we'd end up in Europe? Sure, why not," he shrugs. "I'm always up for an adventure, especially one with you. Did I think we'd end up getting married? Did I think even _I'd_ end up getting married? No, not in a million years. I wasn't looking to fall in love. Not anywhere close. You know that. To be honest, I didn't even think I _could_ fall in love if I'd wanted to."

"Yeah. I thought the same thing about myself."

"Oh I know," he laughs. "The only one who spoke out louder against relationships than you was me."

Coming from pasts that led them to be such emotionally guarded individuals who were terrified of love, it's a miracle they were ever able to come together this way and it speaks to the great strength of their love for each other. "I'm glad we were both wrong," she tells him.

"Me too," Barney echoes, smiling at Robin before looking out over the water. She does the same thing and they both soon get lost in thought, reminiscing over how they got to this moment in time.

"Of course if you would have asked me more recently if we would end up getting married," Barney goes on, "even as far back as three years ago – maybe more – my real answer would have been, 'I hope so'. I _wanted_ to believe we could have that someday."

Robin's lips melt into a smile as she absently watches the ripples on the water, because her mind's eye is seeing a different time and place entirely. "Do you remember all the times you dropped by the apartment and we'd hang out together all night, just watching TV or doing whatever, because you were bored and there was no one downstairs at the bar?" she asks, propping her elbow up on the railing and turning to see her husband's expression.

"You mean all those times when MacLaren's was actually packed with hotties, but I only wanted the hottie upstairs so I came to find you?" Barney reveals, turning and propping his elbow on the railing too, mirroring her stance. "Or did you mean those other times when I purposefully called ahead to make sure the others were busy so I could spend time alone with you?"

"_Aww_, you really did all that on purpose?"

"Yep."

She edges closer, smiling slyly. "Kind of like how every time I ever bought a sundress it was to drive you crazy?"

Barney beams happily at her admission. "It worked. But I wish you would have told me. Then we could have driven _each other_ crazy," he says, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Robin grins, reaching up to play with his tie. "I spent a fortune just to see you look me up and down when I walked in the bar, and then feel your eyes on me the rest of the night."

"You could have been feeling a lot more," he says, and drapes his arm around her waist. "There were nights I was practically drooling over you. It was all I could do to keep my hands to myself. Just the tiniest opening and I would have been all over you."

"What?" she teases. "You don't call laughing at all your jokes, rubbing your arm and shoulder, and sitting pressed up against you all night an opening?"

"Yeah, but we've always been like that. I couldn't tell if it was our usual flirting or if you really wanted it."

"Oh, I wanted it," she assures him.

"Then that night when you started talking about our almost-kiss in the hurricane," Barney conveys, "_that_ felt like an opening."

"It was," Robin confirms, smiling.

"And I did not disappoint. Just like I said, I was all over you."

"And I was all over you. You weren't the only one who was practically drooling."

"We were both all over each other," he corrects, because she's right; Robin was just as fiercely passionate as he had been. "That night was…." He cocks his head to the side, giving a little shiver of pleasure just to remember it. "...It was a lot of confusing things. But just to be able to be with you that way again was incredible."

"Mmm, yes it was." Robin lowers her voice seductively. "And you sure took my opening. You took my opening for a solid twenty minutes as I remember it."

Barney smirks at her in pride at her dirty joke and matches it, quipping, "Well, I _do_ love your opening."

She laughs, gripping both his lapels to pull him closer. "Do you ever think about how our lives would be different if I never walked into MacLaren's that first night?"

"I don't even want to know. I'd probably be a miserable semi-alcoholic, lost somewhere under a pile of women – which sounds more fun than it is; I can say that from personal experience after the whole nannies incident." He makes a face, shaking his head and shuddering.

"And I would have been some bitter and jaded, career-obsessed reporter consumed by her own loneliness."

The look on her face is so desolate at the thought that Barney squeezes her hip comfortingly. "But that night _did_ happen. You did walk in the bar."

"We did meet," Robin smiles gratefully.

"And fall in love," Barney adds.

"And now we have this amazing life…..Just think how far we've come to get here."

"It's a long way from New York," he nods. "A long way from who we used to be. And I, for one, am glad we aren't who we were when we first met. Cause don't get me wrong; we were great back then. But we're _way_ more awesome now."

"No, I know what you mean. Forget about when we first met. When we dated the first time, four years later, we still never would have been able to have an honest conversation like this."

"No," Barney agrees, chuckling softly when he remembers the awkward discussion they had in Ted's hospital room that quickly deteriorated into simultaneous guttural shrieks of frustration – and then locked lips. "We were as bad as fourth graders. We couldn't even admit that we _like_ liked each other."

Robin laughs along with him remembering how they were back then. "Now we can tell each other anything. I know that sounds lame, but it's true. And I'll never take that for granted. It just feels so…._free_ to have someone you can be completely open and unguarded with. For the longest time, I didn't have that. I didn't even know what it was like not to have to pretend and put up walls. I'm not sure I _ever_ knew what that felt like, until you. As far back as I can recall, I can't remember a time when I _wasn't_ pretending, you know?"

"Do I know?" he scoffs. "You're talking to the guy who had an actual book full of pretend identities. It took you to show me that someone could want me for me – just _me_, the real Barney Stinson without all the masks. And now we get to have this awesome life together."

"And do awesome things."

"Like have a sex lounge," Barney inserts, because this obviously calls for a list.

"Or Naked Sundays."

"Laser Tag Fridays."

"Cigar club dates that end in secret, midnight skirmishes between Night Falcon and Fire Eagle. I _love_ the way you tussle," Robin winks.

"Just one of our many sexcapades," he smiles proudly.

"We get to be here," she points out in awe, looking around them – because they're standing in _Italy_ right now. "I get to see the world with you. That's what I always wanted all along and never knew it. I used to talk about traveling, and there really were – and are – places I want to see. But the reality is, once I actually started going places, I _hated_ it; I hated being alone. In Argentina, I pretty much immediately hooked up with Gael just for the companionship. In Russia, all I thought about was you and me, and our night together, and how crazy mixed-up my life had gotten. And I didn't even go to France; all I wanted was to stay home and chase after you."

"You went to Japan," he quietly reminds her. "That was…._awful_ when you were in Japan."

"It was just as awful for me," she promises, running her hand over his shoulder affectionately. "The kind of nomadic lifestyle I _thought_ I wanted when we first met – when I first met the whole gang, _all_ of you: Ted, Lily, and Marshall – it's only appealing when you don't want connections. And even back then, I already did. I loved being a little family with all of you. I hated Japan too, every second of it; I think you know that. I only lasted a few weeks – and it wasn't because Tokyo Ichi was such a joke. It was because I was lonely. I missed all my friends. I missed _you_. Remember how we used to talk on the phone for hours? I acted like, 'Oh I guess I'll humor you for a report of goings-on in New York'. But, actually, that first night when you called and told me you wanted to burn through your GNB international minutes, I'd never been happier for anything in my life."

"Robin," Barney smiles, "there was no such thing as GNB international minutes. I paid for all those calls myself. I just wanted to talk to you. I was going crazy without you."

Robin slides her hand the rest of the way along his arm to take his. Looking down at his left hand cradled in hers, she runs her thumb over his wedding band and softly proclaims, "One year."

"Five years, really," he contends, and she looks up at him, confused. "I mean, when you think about it, I don't believe we ever _truly_ broke up before….We never stopped loving each other."

The group had this whole 'clock pauses' debate back in the fall of 2012 regarding Ted and his then live-in girlfriend, Victoria. Robin was staunchly against it at the time because a paused clock implied unfinished business and she didn't want to admit she had any herself, couldn't bear to admit that she felt anything more than platonic for Barney. But he's right; they were both still in love with each other the entire time. There always had been and always would be something between them since their secret summer – before even – and that tie was never severed. "We were changed by it," she agrees. "I tried, we both tried, but it never did _really_ feel like we ended."

"Cause we didn't. It was just our rough patch."

"A _very_ rough patch."

"Yes. It was," Barney concurs, recalling what will always be his longest moment. "But it's over now. And I am _sincerely_ delighted we're finally only to the good stuff," he says, wrapping his arms around her.

"The best stuff," Robin smiles, leaning into him. She stops with her mouth just shy of his. "I love you, Barney."

"You know I love you," he whispers and closes that final inch between them.

Husband and wife kiss beneath the moonlight, and it's soft and sweet – until he feels her tongue run across his lips. This is still them after all, and even open and honest, even sometimes romantic, and even happily married, when the two of them get going soft and sweet always melts into hard and dirty. He opens his mouth, his tongue caressing hers, and the kiss instantly turns heated. Then husband and wife are hungrily _making out_ beneath the moonlight.

But they _are_ open and honest and married now, and there's no need to be hungry for each other anymore when they could be satisfying that craving. Robin breaks the kiss, stepping back. "Come on," she says eagerly, tugging on his arm. "Better hurry if you want to scratch this off your list. Otherwise it's gonna be right here on the bridge." And she's completely serious. Reaching up, she unfastens a few buttons down his chest to get to bare skin.

Barney gives her a smile that's his devastating mixture of amused and aroused. "So I've got you all ready to go, hmm?" he teases her, drawing her body into his and gliding his hands down to grab her rear end.

"Mm-hmm," she freely admits, her eyes fixed on his lips.

And how can he resist that? He lunges forward, kissing her passionately again. After only a few moments Robin's lust gets the better of her, just like she said, and she presses him back against the bridge railing, prepared to use it for leverage.

"No, no," Barney laughs, "we do this right. Let's go," he says, taking her hand and hurrying her down the other side of the bridge. She's not the only one ready to go right now.

Once they're on the other side of the canal they find the little boat right where Barney was told it would be, tied up at its usual moorings at the foot of the bridge. They sneak over to it hand-in-hand and Barney's thrown off for a moment. "I thought an authentic gondola would be flat inside, like a canoe." He'd planned to lay her down inside and then they'd go to town, but instead it has seats exactly like the booth at MacLaren's, minus the table.

Unfazed, Robin lets go of his hand to jump onboard. "It doesn't matter. Come on, get in," she encourages him. The second he does, she immediately pushes him down onto the bench, straddling him. "We'll improvise."

And, okay, this will work. This way will be even better, in fact; now they can appreciate the environment around them while they have sex. "Get over here," he says huskily, one hand caressing her hip as the other cups her neck, pulling her lips down to his.

For several long minutes he just kisses her, simply enjoying her mouth, but time is of the essence here and Robin admitted she's ready to go, no foreplay necessary. The way she already has his shirt completely open and his pants undone tells him she wasn't kidding. Pushing her dress down her shoulders, Barney's mouth sucks at her bared skin as he gets down to business himself.

As they make love, their motions inadvertently rock the vessel, enhancing the sensual experience with an additional layer of sexiness hearing the water lap against the sides and feeling the movement of the boat adding to the sensations. "Robin…." Barney pauses to whisper breathlessly. "We're doing it in a gondola in Venice."

"_Yeah_ we are," she grins enticingly, running her hands up his chest and neck to thread her fingers through his hair.

"Best marriage – best life – ever!" he proclaims ecstatically before taking her mouth once more.

* * *

><p>In the seconds after they both finish, Robin lets out a low, sexy giggle from where her face is still buried in Barney's neck. "Best marriage <em>ever<em>," she murmurs in agreement, lifting her head to smile down at him. She sets her forehead to his, drops a tender kiss to his lips, and then moves from across his lap to sit on the bench beside him.

As they're adjusting their clothes, someone – they imagine the owner of the boat – peeks his head out of the window above them and begins yelling at them in Italian. They leap out of the gondola as fast as they can and take off running back across the bridge and to the safety of their hotel before they end up in an Italian prison for trespassing, indecent exposure, and public lewd acts.

* * *

><p>The next afternoon they finally reach Rome with five more days of vacation left, which means they get to visit Marshall and Lily. While they still text, call, and Skype with their friends regularly, they haven't seen them in person since Halloween – and this will be the very first time that Barney and Robin have officially met their new goddaughter, Daisy.<p>

When they arrive at Lily and Marshall's place there are hugs all around. Unfortunately, Marvin is taking a nap at the moment, but Lily reaches down into the bassinet for their youngest child.

"This is Daisy Erickson, live and in person," Lily presents her daughter.

"Oh, can I hold her?" Robin asks. Ever since she first held Marvin over a year ago babies have become commonplace to her, and contrary to her old fears she's actually quite a natural with them. Lily passes the baby, who's now nearly five months old, into her arms. Daisy blinks bright, alert eyes up at her godmother as Robin coos to her softly. "Aw, Lily, she's even more precious in person. And we brought her belated birthday presents."

Barney lifts the full bag in his hand. "We have some for Marvin too when the little dude wakes up."

Lily, ever the hostesses, insists on showing them around the apartment. Though a lot of things have evolved over the years, some things never do change and when they decide to sit and talk out on the balcony overlooking the city, Marshall first disappears into the kitchen to fetch the tray of cheeses and sturdy crackers.

"So what have you two been doing in Italy?" Robin asks once they're all situated around the table. The baby is still in her arms because, just like with Marvin, she's not through bonding with Daisy just yet. "I know we've talked about different places you've been, but what's everyday life like? Have you been enjoying yourselves?"

"Oh, it's been amazing," Lily gushes. "The art, the culture."

"It's been a once in a lifetime experience, that's for sure," Marshall endorses.

"But still, New York is home," Lily expresses, "and we're looking forward to coming back next month."

Daisy starts fussing a little in Robin's arms, drawing Barney's attention and causing him to pose the question, "What's it like to be evenly numbered now?" Turning to Marshall, he adds, "That must suck, huh, bro? Cuz it severely cuts down on the free time Lily has to do that for you – what up!"

Robin makes a face at Barney, but when Lily's looking the other way Marshall secret low-fives him under the table. "I've really missed doing that," he says with a grin, watching as Barney rubs his now-sore hand. "But, no, it's really not that bad."

"And believe me," Lily chimes in, "Mama's still gettin' her sugar." This time it's Lily and Marshall who high five.

"Seriously, though, having two kids _is_ more challenging," Marshall admits. "But we've had a lot of help with Mickey and my mom here," he says, referring to how Mickey and Judy came to join them in Rome back in January, shortly after Daisy was born.

"Yeah, what's _that_ like, living with your two parents….who also happen to be sleeping with each other?" Robin shudders.

"How'd that happen anyway?" Barney wonders.

Marshall and Lily exchange a look. "Well, you know how my mom is about family," Marshall says evasively.

"Judy just loves her grandkids so much she couldn't bear to be away from them," Lily jumps in to explain.

Robin's eyebrows furrow in confusion because that doesn't add up. "But isn't she away from her _other_ grandkids now?"

Their discussion is put on pause when Daisy starts outright wailing now. "I think it's a dirty diaper," Robin says, trying to console the baby.

Barney leans over and tentatively sniffs near Daisy's bottom. "Oh yeah," he says, backing away in disgust.

Marshall laughs, shaking his head at the both of them since it's obvious Robin doesn't want any part of this either. "Here," he says, taking his daughter from her, "I'll bring her in to my mom."

As Marshall leaves and peace and quiet is restored to the veranda, Barney asks again, "So how did Mickey and Judy wind up living with you?"

"We could always use my dad here as a babysitter. He really is a great nanny, so we invited him," Lily explains. "And with them dating – plus both being Marvin and Daisy's grandparents – it made sense that Marshall's mom wanted to come live here too."

"Why didn't they just come with you in the first place then?" Robin reasons. "Everyone knew you were pregnant again when you guys left."

Lily looks reluctant to answer but eventually divulges, "The reason we suddenly needed them is because Marshall got a job at the American Embassy. He's been working there for months, and with me working too we needed a full time nanny."

"Really? Marshall got a job at the embassy? That's great news," Robin congratulates her, reaching over to hug her friend.

"Well, it'll look good on his resume."

"Why didn't you say anything, Lil?" Barney asks.

"And, more importantly, how did you manage to keep the secret?" his wife interjects.

"The truth is, guys, Marshall hasn't exactly had a lot of career opportunities here. We knew that going in, but it's been a big change for him. He never quite got into no pants territory, but it's been hard. He took the job at the embassy to try to build up his name again and increase his chances of getting another shot at a judgeship when we get back home. _I'm_ the one who asked him not to talk about it," Lily discloses. "It's just an awkward situation because of the whole Italy thing. He gave up his dream for me and….we're just not sure if he'll ever get another chance at it again."

"It's not awkward at all," Marshall assures them from the doorway where he'd overhead her last comments. "I'd give up anything for you, Lilypad; you know that," he says as he comes to sit beside her again. "But every day I've spent here with my kids, I don't feel like I've given up anything at all."

"I love you too, Marshmallow," she tells him, and they kiss.

"For what it's worth, Marshall," Robin says when they're through, "you're still young. Very young for a judge."

"Robin's right," Barney reiterates. "You've still got years to make that happen for you."

"And I don't know if you've heard, but Barney's got some pull in New York City now," Robin reminds them, giving her husband a proud, heated look; power never fails to turn her on.

"So do you," he smiles, matching her tone but upping the ante by placing his hand on her thigh.

"What about you two?" Marshall asks, noticing Barney's fingers creeping farther up her leg.

"Yeah," Lily beams, "tell us; how does it feel to be married a year?"

"Outrageously happy," Barney answers.

"Duh. What's there not to be happy about?" Robin seconds. "Marriage is live-in sex on demand and no one can judge you for it. It's the perfect setup." Barney grins adoringly at her and the two do an exploding fist bump.

"Yeah, we saw the picture you guys sent out. There was a _church_ in the background," Marshall whispers, mildly scandalized.

Lily, however, is not surprisingly far too invested in it. "I bet you guys did it all over Florence."

"We did," Robin confirms.

"And we made a special stop in Venice just so we could bone in a gondola!" Barney delightedly reveals.

"You did _what_?" Marshall sputters.

They proceed to tell their friends the story of their late-night tryst in a gondola, with Robin finishing up the tale. "So then we ran like hell to get out of there before the man called the police."

"Why'd you let Barney talk you into that?" Marshall laughs.

"Talk her into it? Please. She loved it as much as I did."

"It was somewhat way hot," she agrees with Barney.

"There's just something about doing it out on the open water," he reminisces. From now on, he'll never be able to hear splashing water without getting turned on.

Robin nods. "And the thrill of doing it in public, where anyone could find you."

"What did I tell you?" Barney boasts. "I always knew she liked to get caught."

Marshall shakes his head amiably. "I'll never understand you two. Why couldn't you just have sex in your nice, comfortable, and _private_ hotel room?"

"We could and we did," Robin answers. "But sometimes….I don't know, the mood just catches you. Haven't you ever wanted to do it someplace naughty?" She turns to Barney preemptively. "And no, once again, before you even start that's _not_ what I'm talking about."

"Robin," Barney replies, "we're not exactly in Marshall's wheelhouse here. He's not like us. He likes his sex vanilla; that's just how he rolls."

"Hey, I'm sexually adventurous," Marshall objects.

"Oh really?" Barney snorts. "Name a single wild sexual exploit you've had since you've been here. Or ever."

"We did it out on this balcony once."

"_Wow_," Robin mocks. "I didn't know you were married to such a freak, Lily."

"Yeah, take it easy, Marshall," Barney joins in, "we wouldn't want you to – "

"Unc Baney! Aunt 'obin!" Marvin cries as he comes toddling full throttle towards them.

"Hey, champ!" Barney greets, picking him up.

"You're awake," Robin says, tickling his side.

"Mm-hmm," he giggles. "Bing pesents?"

"Marvin," Lily scolds.

"Yes, we brought you presents," Robin verifies, amused that the child remembers they made him that promise.

"A whole bag of 'em," Barney tells him.

"Want open!" Marvin exclaims excitedly, wiggling out of Barney's grip to go look for them.

"I know you do," his mother answers, catching his wrist, "but I want to take pictures, and my phone's still charging."

The little boy frowns, but Marshall gets an idea to stave off any terrible twos tantrums. "I know, Marvin. First, why don't we show your Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin our favorite place to get gelato?"

Marvin's face lights up at the thought of imminent gelato. "Piazza."

"Yes, it's in the piazza," his dad responds proudly.

"Come on, clever boy," Lily says, scooping him up. "Let's go get your sister."

At that moment, Barney turns to Robin and they have one of their telepathic conversations.

_Are you thinking what I'm thinking?_ he asks, giving her a sexy little smile as he moves his hand back onto her thigh.

Robin looks down to his hand on her leg and then back up into his eyes, raising her eyebrow alluringly. _We _could_ go for gelato…._

_Or…..OR…., _Barney interjects.

_We stay back and christen Marshall and Lily's Italian apartment_? Robin proposes, correctly reading his mind.

_My god, I love you._

Marshall gets up and starts to follow Lily back into the house, but they both stop in the doorway when neither Barney nor Robin seems to be moving. "Are you guys coming?" Marshall asks.

Barney has to smirk at that. "Oh yes, we definitely are."

Robin elbows him to just be cool. "Uh, yeah, but we're gonna hang back for a little bit….We just need a few minutes to rest. We'll meet the four of you and the kids there in, say, half an hour?" She looks to Barney for confirmation.

"Sure, if we make it a quickie – I mean a quick _rest_ – " he corrects when Robin's eyes widen warningly. " – we can get down to the square in half an hour."

Marshall sighs. Sometimes Barney is so transparent it's hard to believe this is the same guy who ever successfully ran hundreds of intricate plays. "Come on, we know what you guys want to do."

But Lily halts his objection. "Let them have this, baby." She knows all about Robin and Barney's list of rooms they've had sex in and sees no harm in it. In fact, it wouldn't hurt the two of them to spice up their marriage likewise. She lowers her voice for Marshall's ears only as she steers him off the balcony. "Maybe we can sneak out some place tonight ourselves…."

* * *

><p>The next day, Mickey and Judy watch the kids at home so Lily can make the remaining couples go to an art museum; according to her, Robin and Barney can't have visited Rome and never laid eyes on these paintings.<p>

When Lily drags them in front of yet another canvas, going on and on about the importance of the piece, Robin yawns and Barney grimaces, then mimics a gun to his head, making Robin giggle. He glances over to the side at Marshall, who is eyeing them nervously. "What's the matter with you, Marshall? Don't tell me you're into this stuff now, too?"

"Hey, I'm just as bored as you guys, but I don't goof off in art galleries anymore, not after the Skittles incident," he mutters beneath his breath in the same kind of superstitious tone he uses to talk about black cats and broken mirrors. "The Universe was telling me to knock it off. This kind of stuff is really important to Lily and I don't want to embarrass her again."

"Well, since _I'm_ not sleeping with Lily – that's right; she had her chance and she missed it – I don't owe her any such thing," Barney retorts. "This blows!" Grinning, he chuckles to himself as a pun occurs to him, and he turns to his wife to deliver the punchline. "Or, rather, it _could_ blow if Robin would just – " He cuts off at her withering look. "Okay, okay, I know. Two blowjob jokes in two days is too much."

"It shows a certain lack of creativity is all I'm saying," Robin critiques, tongue-in-cheek. "You're better than that."

"I see your point," Barney grants at the same time Marshall answers, "No, he isn't."

"Alright, guys," Lily chastises them, "you know I can hear you right? I get it; you're not the biggest fans of highbrow art. But even _you_ must recognize how beautiful this is," she says, indicating the oil painting on the wall before them.

Robin makes a gagging noise, earning a _Top Gun_ high five from Barney.

Lily blows out a frustrated breath. "At least listen to the caption," she begs, pointing to the gold plate hanging beneath the piece. "It's Francesco Petrarca."

Seeing that Lily's genuinely starting to get upset, Robin reins it in and attempts to be supportive. "Okay, we're sorry. Go ahead."

"Forse là fuori, da qualche parte, qualcuno sta sospirando per la tua assenza; e con questo pensiero, la mia anima comincia a respirare," she quotes.

"Lil," Barney says when she's finished, "neither one of us speaks Italian."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. It says, 'Perhaps out there, somewhere, someone is sighing for your absence; and with this thought, my soul began to breathe'," she translates for them.

"Sounds like something Stan would say," Marshall sighs.

"_Stan_!" Barney gasps like a lovesick school girl.

"Remember Stan?" Marshall says, smiling in infatuation, and Barney nods furiously.

"Who's Stan?" Lily asks.

"He was that super-poetic guy that Barney and Marshall were obsessed with back when you were too angry with Barney about the peanut butter and jam joke to hang out with us for a while," Robin reminds her.

"That guy? That was, like, five years ago."

"So?" Barney defends, and his voice takes on a dreamy quality again when he adds, "We could never forget Stan."

Robin laughs, though she knows he's one hundred percent serious. "Actually, there's something I never told you about my date with him that you might like to know."

"That's right," Marshall recalls. "You _did_ go out with Stan."

"Just the one time."

"But you told us you weren't feeling it," Barney jumps in.

"Which was crazy," Marshall interjects. "He would have made the perfect husband."

"Dude," Barney objects.

"Well he _would_."

"Funny you should say that, Marshall, because I didn't tell you guys the whole story," Robin enlightens them. "I really wasn't feeling it; that's true. But it was _Stan_ who said he didn't think we should go out again."

"Why?" Barney wonders.

Figuring the problem must have been with her – not sensitive, profound, and insightful Stan – Marshall questions, "What'd you do?"

"I didn't do anything wrong. At least not intentionally."

Lily scoffs. "No one does something wrong _intentionally_."

"No, I mean it wasn't some dating faux pas or violation of some social rule, like Ted had done to get you guys hooked up with Stan in the first place," Robin explains, turning to the guys. "It was just, you know, we talked about you two on our date because we all four knew each other. That seemed perfectly reasonable to me at the time. But apparently I kept going back to talking about Barney more than I realized, so at the end of the date Stan said we couldn't see each other anymore because I was obviously in love with Barney."

"_Awww_! Stan said that about me?"

"Well, actually, he said that about me, but yes," Robin acknowledges. "He quoted some Pablo Neruda poem at me too – something about light and shadow and toast, or bread, or something, I don't know. But the main takeaway was that I was in love with Barney and needed to confront my feelings for him."

"Huh," Barney says. Snaking an arm around Robin's waist, he draws her back against him, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I love Stan even more now….I wonder what that guy's up to?"

* * *

><p>The rest of Barney and Robin's time in Rome is divided three way: sightseeing – during which Lily insists on dragging them to <em>all<em> the famous artistic sights and to keep from going mad the two of them make a secret game of critiquing the nudes: how well hung the guys are, if the woman's bodies are pre or post baby, and if back in their single days they would or would not have done the human equivalent; after seeing one particular endowed sculpture, Robin whispers to Barney, "That one I would have had sex with even as a statue!" – hanging out at Marshall and Lily's place, and European vacation sex all over their hotel room.

Before they leave, they fulfill a joint fantasy that's planted itself in both their minds – they do it at the Roman Colosseum. It costs them a pricy ticket, but Marshall gets them out of it and they manage to catch their return flight to New York without being banned from the city.

After that the summer goes by fairly quickly, as summer's do.

Marshall, Lily, and their kids move back home and Robin, Barney, and Ted are ecstatic. Naturally, they're happy to all be close by again, but they're also glad to have the apartment back from its one year sublet. It just didn't seem right not hanging out there. After all, every one of them had lived there at some point except for Barney – but he too spent many a night there while dating Robin so, really, he's an honorary tenet – and Tracy. No matter what, the group will always think of it as _their_ apartment, and they're pleased to have it back. In celebration, the whole gang – now eight members strong – has a rooftop party on the Fourth of July, spending their first holiday together in nearly a year.

Next, Ted and Tracy move in to his Westchester home for good, and they start having those Sunday afternoon barbeques he used to dream about. Then it's August and the Mosby-McConnell wedding is upon them.

It's a funny thing.

All of their friends always thought that if Barney and Robin ever got married – and that was a big 'if' even when speaking of getting married individually, let alone to _each other_ – it would be as unconventional as they come. Barney's long had a flair for making things a spectacle and they both love being the center of attention, so friends and witnesses being present made sense, yet they still figured Barney and Robin would want to run off and just elope somewhere like Vegas or Atlantic City.

But when it came down to it, Barney and Robin wanted the big church wedding – the white dress, the formal bridal party, the whole kit and caboodle of a traditional wedding – because what the two of them understand about each other that outsiders often fail to see is that at their hearts they both gravitate towards some very traditional things, or at least their version of them.

Perhaps because their pasts were so untraditional, they longed for certain elements of convention for their present and future. And once they'd fallen head over heels, madly in love and learned firsthand that everything people write stories and poems and sing songs about is actually true, they wanted their wedding to be an unmistakable celebration of that love they'd found together. It was their way of shouting to the world that love is _real_; it exists and the two of them have it, and while it wasn't easy at times by any means they're finally here and they're never going back and that's worth loudly and openly commemorating.

Now Ted on the other hand, all of his friends assumed that when he eventually got married he would want it to be as big and traditional an exhibition as possible. Speeches would be given, sonnets recited. The whole thing would be dripping in every cliché of romance. And his friends weren't wrong; that _is_ what Ted always wanted. Until he met Tracy. Through her and finally finding his Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz, he discovered that love – real and true love – is a quiet thing, a _private_ and intimate thing. It's not about grand gestures and making sure the whole world sees. He never understood that before meeting her; Klaus was right.

Meeting Ted, Tracy understood that same thing. So when planning their wedding, they both agreed that what they want is a quiet, intimate affair in the courthouse chapel with just a very small group of friends and immediate family as witnesses.

And now here they are, the night before the wedding, all gathering for drinks at MacLaren's. Robin and Barney are on one side of the booth with their backs to the bar, Marshall and Lily have pulled up chairs on the end, and Tracy and Ted are on the other side.

"To the happy bride and groom," Marshall toasts them, and it feels to Ted that this is how it was always meant to be.

"Just think," Ted says joyfully, "by this time tomorrow, I'll have a wife."

"And we're proud of you, buddy," Marshall replies.

"Yeah," Barney nods. "This time we can actually _see_ her."

"Whoa, has he tried to marry invisible women in the past?" Tracy questions. She looks jokingly over to Ted. "Is there something I need to know about?"

"I believe Barney is referring to the time I bought our house. I said it was for the wife and kids."

"And we were all getting a little worried about you," Barney says placatingly, reaching over to pat his arm. "But now you've actually managed to find a real flesh-and-blood woman, so good for you, Ted!"

"I can't believe that was already four and a half years ago," Ted marvels. "To tell you the truth, I was getting a little worried about myself." Turning to Tracy, he reveals, "I'd been trying to find you ever since Marshall and Lily got engaged."

"And that was _nine_ years ago," Lily supplies.

Ted shakes his head. "Wow. Nine years."

"Yep, nine whole years….A lot of things have happened in this booth," Marshall acknowledges, causing the others to think back on the past near-decade full of nights just like this one spent right here in this very spot.

"We fell in love in this booth," Barney says to Robin in that soft, sweet tone she loves, the one he still only uses for her.

"Yeah we did," she smiles, and the two share a little moment.

"Marvin had his first French fry in this booth," Lily reminiscences.

"And he almost had his first sip of beer," Robin whispers to Barney out of the side of her mouth. When Lily and Marshall glare at her in a mixture of shock and horror, she shrugs. "What? I said _almost_. I got the bottle away from him in time." She rolls her eyes to Barney, who nods like he too doesn't see what the big deal is.

"I had my second date with Ted in this booth," Tracy speaks up. "It's not exactly a milestone, I know, but….maybe we can make one now."

"Yes, of course," Ted readily agrees. "It's the night before our wedding. That's a huge milestone."

"Actually, the wedding is the huge milestone. The night before? Not really a thing. But that's not what I meant," Tracy clarifies. "….Maybe we should be discussing this in private first but, if anything does, all the nights and special moments this booth has seen shows what a family you all are, and I hope to be a part of that too."

"You already are," Robin assures her. In Lily's absence, the two have become quite close in a way that Robin doesn't usually connect with other women. Though they couldn't be more different, they get along well – and it isn't just out of politeness the way it's been with most of Ted's girlfriends. For one thing, Tracy is way awesomer than any of Ted's other women; for another, by now Robin has some experience with more touchy-feely women through Patrice.

"Mm-hmm," Lily seconds.

"Okay, good," Tracy smiles. "And families discuss things, right? So it should be in front of all of you." Looking to Ted now, she reveals, "I want to try for a baby right away. I'm ready to be a mom. If you want that too," she's quick to add.

Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney all exchange a look….seconds before bursting into collective laughter. "Are you kidding?" Marshall chuckles.

"Yeah," Barney joins in the ribbing. "Robin and I have been joking for years that anytime Ted even hears the word 'kids' he gets lactation stains on his shirt."

"He once tried to steal our baby," Lily puts in.

"Back when we were roommates, I walked in on Ted cradling a gourd. He even had it wrapped in a blanket," Robin reveals.

"_What_?!" Barney laughs, asking his wife, "How have I not heard this before?"

"It was right after we cheated together," Robin explains. "We weren't exactly on speaking terms at the time."

"Ahh," he nods. "Even so, I would've loved to – "

"Guys, back to _our_ thing," Ted reminds them. "Tracy just asked me if I'm ready to be a father; that's kind of a big deal," he scolds them.

The couple is contrite for exactly 8.3 seconds, and then Robin mutters to Barney, "No, it's not. He already acts like a dad."

Barney laughs, grinning as they high five overhead on instinct. "I wonder, does that make me Uncle Barney to a swaddled vegetable?"

"Technically I think a gourd is a fruit," Robin replies, "but nobody likes a Ted."

"Guys! Come on," Ted reprimands them again.

"See, just like a dad," Barney rejoins.

"Oh just answer her, Ted," Lily cuts in, because they all already know what the answer will be anyway.

"_Yes_," Ted says like a joyful bride-to-be. "The answer is 'yes'. A thousand times 'yes'!" He throws his arms around Tracy, burying his face in her neck.

"Did they just get engaged again?" Marshall jokes, and Barney sniggers.

"Then it's all settled," Tracy announces as they pull back from the hug. "On our wedding night, we start project baby."

Ted kisses his soon-to-be and wife and then flags down the passing barmen. "Hey, Carl."

Carl comes over, slapping a hand on Ted's arm. "Congratulations, man."

"Thanks," he beams from ear-to-ear. After all, this moment's been nine years in the making.

"The big day is tomorrow right?" Carl asks.

"It is. Hey, can you take a picture of all of us?" Ted asks, holding up the camera he brought along for his wedding scrapbook. Because, as he'd pointed out a thousand times during Barney and Robin's wedding weekend, Lily stole the idea from _him_ after he made his building and Marvin scrapbooks. Barney disagreed, claiming the idea traced back to him and his sex partner scrapbook, while Lily continued to maintain she was making scrapbooks long before any of them. But it doesn't matter since Ted knows he's right.

Carl walks around to the far side of the booth so the whole bar will be in the shot and then he's snapping the picture. Ted has his arm around Tracy. Marshall and Lily are leaning their heads in together. Barney has his hand resting against Robin's hip and a devilishly pleased smile and expression on his face.

It isn't until Carl hands the camera back and Ted checks how the picture turned out that the others notice the reason _why_. Underneath the table, Robin's hand was on Barney's inner thigh, her fingers suspiciously high enough on his inseam for them all to realize what had been happening literally beneath their noses.

* * *

><p>In a backroom of the courthouse Marshall had used his lawyering to gain them access to – Tracy and the other women are across the hall in yet another room – Barney helps Ted adjust his tie to perfection.<p>

"Any last minute advice?" Ted queries him. "The words still sound crazy coming out of my mouth, but of the two of us _you're_ the one with a years' worth of happily married experience under your belt….where once a three-way belt used to reside," he ribs.

Barney ignores that, instead correcting him proudly, "We're going on a year _and a half_. And you don't need any advice."

"What? The great Barney Stinson has no words of wisdom to impart?"

Barney shrugs. "Not really. I mean, what they say is true; marriage is work, just like any relationship is," he says in all seriousness. "But I'd marry Robin all over again any day, _every_ day. It's like when you see that one suit and you just _know_ it was made for you, and then, sure enough, it's a perfect fit. Robin's the suit. _My_ suit."

After thirteen years of friendship, Ted completely understands the Barney logic there, and he nods. "Tracy's my calligraphy set."

"That's all the matters," Barney replies. "Everything else will work itself out." And haven't he and Robin proved that in spades? It might take time and heartache and emotional growth, but if two people are meant to be together, somehow, someway, eventually they will be. "All that matters is you've got the right girl."

"And I do."

"Of course you do. Would you expect anything less from a wingman extraordinaire?" he brags. "And now my protégé has sprouted his wings and found his very own wife so that he too may follow in my happily married footsteps." Barney pauses, shooting Ted a genuine smile as he realizes, "Looks like I taught you how to live after all."

* * *

><p>Ted and Tracy may have wanted to keep the ceremony itself to an intimate, low-key feel, but this is still their wedding day and they want a nice reception to follow.<p>

They found the perfect venue in 202 East, a little event center on the Upper East Side that Ted adores because of its unique, architecturally interesting vaulted ceiling, and they succeed in just the right ambience Tracy was after: a party atmosphere with dinner and dancing, and plenty of booze – because even in their mid to late thirties they'll never be too old for _that_ stuff.

After dinner and the first dance, the pure fun feeling of the evening starts to kick in. Tracy is across the room, bouncing Marvin in her arms in time to the music, Marshall is talking with Tracy's dad who's a retired lawyer, and Robin and Lily are at the bar chatting. This leaves Barney and Ted standing near their table, taking it all in.

Barney is sincerely over-the-moon for his bro to have finally gotten to this moment he waited so long for. Now _everyone_ has someone. Each and every member of the gang is living their dream, everything they ever wanted even though they didn't always know they wanted it. It's absolutely perfect; he thinks Ted was right about fate and the Universe. "Who would've thought life would turn out this way, huh?" Barney muses, nudging Ted's arm with his elbow.

"I'm glad it did," Ted beams, over-the-moon happy himself; in fact, none of his friends have ever seen him so serene and content.

"Oh, me too," Barney replies without hesitation as he looks over at Robin. Watching her as she says something animated to Lily – pausing midsentence to take a sip of her fresh Glen McKenna – a loving smile is pulled onto his lips. "I have the best life in the world…..Just look at her," he marvels. "I am the _luckiest_ guy."

Ted smiles. "How far you've come from the man who first approached me about dating Robin, speaking in riddles, couldn't even say her name."

His attention only half on what Ted is saying, Barney continues to stare at his wife; she looks stunning in that blue dress. "I mean, I get to bang _that_ every night. And sometimes in the morning."

"Then again, maybe not _too_ far," Ted quips and Barney glares at him lightheartedly. "But, hey, that's a good thing. Robin's always loved you this way."

"Hmm?" she asks, having just sidled up to Barney, joining the conversation midway. "Robin loves what now?"

Barney snakes his arm around her waist, pulling her in against his side. "The fact that we bang every night and sometimes in the mornings."

"Hell yeah, we do," Robin approves and slips her arm around his waist too, her fingers sneaking down to grab a handful of that tight butt she loves so much.

Barney smirks as she gooses him. "Come on, you wanna dance?" he says, taking her wayward hand in his and threading their fingers together as he leads her out to the dance floor.

Sam Smith comes on singing "Latch" – because, naturally, Ted _had_ to have a DJ – just as Barney puts his hands on Robin's hips.

"Well, Mr. Scherbatsky, do you realize this is the first wedding we've been to as a married couple?" she asks as she moves with him.

"It is, isn't it?" he realizes. "It's the first wedding we've been to since _ours_. I know it made me think of ours."

"Me too."

Barney smiles, thinking back. "That was a crazy day."

"And an even crazier night," Robin appends with a sexy wink, making him chuckle.

"Now here we are, over a year later."

"And I'm still crazy about you."

He dips her back at the waist, then brings her in close, a hand at the small of her back holding her pressed against him as he twists their hips to the music – and, okay, maybe grinds a little. "So GNB's mind control pills are still working, then?"

"Must be," she smirks, wrapping her fingers around his tie.

"Well, I couldn't be happier so promise me you'll keep taking them."

"Nah, don't need em anymore. After the first year, you've kind of grown on me." She leans in, her lips brushing his ear as she whispers, "I couldn't be happier either." And to prove it, she grinds a little right back.

He moves his hands lower to slide over her thighs. "You know, I think Ted has us figured out before we did."

"How do you mean?"

"When we were getting ready for the wedding, we got to talking about the past and when he busted me on my Rules for Girlfriends/Gremlins and how I'd broken them all with you without even realizing it."

"Gremlins?" Robin shakes her head. "I forgot what a sociopath you used to be back then."

"No, you didn't," Barney contends. "And you _loved_ it."

"Alright, I did love it. What can I say? Intimacy issues turn me on. Either that or you were just above the Mendoza Line on the Hot/Crazy scale."

"See, this is why I married you; you just _get_ me," he sighs for effect, and she laughs. "But you can see how Ted had his work cut out for him getting us to admit to anything."

"Remember those first few days after they caught us but before Lily locked us in? He kept _trying_ to get us to recognize it…."

* * *

><p><strong>September 2009<strong>

* * *

><p>About an hour after they all walked in on Barney and Robin making out on the couch and the subsequent revelation of a summer-long affair, Ted corners her in the kitchen. "Let me get this straight; all the one-night stands Barney kept having with the different nameless women?"<p>

"We made them all up."

"And all those times you claimed to have overnight dates, you were actually with Barney?"

"Yes." Many a night when she didn't come home, Mystery Man X, Y, or Z were her excuse for the 'lucky night' and consequent walk of shame in the morning.

"So…..you've been _spending the night_ with Barney?" he emphasizes, talking slowly like you would to a small child who's slow to understand. "Repeatedly spending the _whole_ night? Actually sleeping over at The Fortress? And both of you are still there when you wake up?"

"Uh, that's kinda how it works when you're having sex with someone. Geez, Ted."

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>"I totally missed what he was getting at," Robin laughs.<p>

"What about that next morning?..."

* * *

><p><strong>September 2009<strong>

* * *

><p>When she hears the other bedroom door open, Robin looks up from her place on the couch flipping through a magazine, wearing only her bathrobe. "Ooh, Ted. Barney's making eggs."<p>

"Barney cooks?" Ted gapes.

Barney scoffs from the kitchen where he's standing before the stove in his boxers, spatula in hand, and Robin shoots him an amused look.

"Barney only _pretends_ not to know how to cook so someone else will do it for him," she says pointedly, in a way that makes it clear the 'someone else' has often been her. "But, actually, Barney makes the _best_ eggs."

Ted's brow furrows contemplatively. "You've been making Robin eggs in the morning?"

"I've got to feed her something to keep her strength up," Barney replies leeringly, and Robin grins.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>"We both missed what he was trying to imply," Barney remembers.<p>

"We did," Robin agrees, smiling at how silly they were back then. "Because we didn't want to see it."

"We were _afraid_ to see it."

"True," she nods. "Still, wasn't it just like overly-simplistic, overly-romantic Ted to generalize that way? I mean, sure, yeah, we really _were_ boyfriend and girlfriend, but not just because we ate breakfast together."

"Classic Smosby," he mocks. "Although I guess you can't really blame Ted for being amazed. He wasn't the only one. You surprised me too…."

* * *

><p><strong>April 2009<strong>

* * *

><p>After more sensibly climbing down the stairway to vacate the building across the street rather than attempt a second jump, Robin and Barney are the last to reenter the apartment.<p>

He's heading for the doorway too when she grabs his arm, tugging him back out into the hallway where they can't be seen. "Meet me here tomorrow," she whispers. "Ted will be gone all afternoon." The unspoken implication is, _We can be alone_, and from the look in his eyes Robin can tell Barney reads it loud and clear.

But even after their desperately passionate kiss back at the hospital that she was an eagerly equal part in, he doesn't make any innuendo, no suggestive remark. He simply nods, all bright, soft eyes just as they were before he jumped across the rooftops to her. "We can talk about _this_," he gestures back and forth between them.

Now it's Robin's turn to nod, a shy smile on her lips. "We can talk about….us." Her eyes drift down to his mouth as she says it, wanting more of what they had at the hospital – she can't help herself – and Barney steps closer.

Before either one of them can act on it though, Marshall pokes his head out of the still-open apartment door. "You guys coming in?" he asks exuberantly, still riding the high of finally making his leap.

With one last silent exchanged look, Robin and Barney head inside, knowing they're about to make their own leap too. Tomorrow….

* * *

><p>Fifteen hours later, they're lying on her bed, clothing has been removed and he's kissing his way down her neck to Robin's soft moans. What he's doing with his mouth is heaven to her, made even better by the fact that he feels like Barney and smells like Barney because this time the man she's with finally <em>is<em> Barney, and her body is crying out for the one it's wanted for so long. It's all too good; she can't help it and his name escapes her lips. "Barney….Barney," she breathes.

He's so lost in her that it takes Barney a second to focus on what she's saying, but once he does his name sighed from her lips is the most pleasing sound. When she repeats it again, however, and even more urgently this time, it occurs to his blood-deprived – since it's all diverted elsewhere – mind that she may have changed hers and wants to call this off. He raises his head to look down at her. "Stop?" he questions in a small, resigned voice.

Robin opens her eyes to stare up into his incredulously. "Don't you dare stop," she gasps, and Barney just barely has time to grin before she's grabbing at his neck and pulling his mouth back down to hers.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>"I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, worrying you'd turn me down at any second and reveal you were just Mosbying me again," Barney reveals. "But then, twenty minutes later, I was absolutely <em>sure<em> you were serious."

"Well, yeah. Getting naked with you would have completely defeated the point of the Mosbying."

"Plus, no one can fake it _that_ good."

Robin smiles, shaking her head at him. "You surprised me too, you know. Maybe that's why I couldn't fake it with you."

"You've _never_ faked it with me," he interjects.

"I've never needed to."

He clicks his tongue, giving her a sexy nod as his hand skims over her curves.

"But seriously," she continues, wrapping her arms around his neck to keep their bodies close, letting him seduce her in the dance. "When I heard your voice the night you told Ted, I was shocked. After you left the bar that night I was so sure you were going to hook up with some nameless woman whose eyes I'd want to scratch out. So when you came to the apartment instead, I couldn't believe it. I was on my way out to talk to you when I overheard what I knew I wasn't supposed to….And it felt like my world was falling out beneath me, standing there hiding behind my bedroom door." She laughs softly recalling the confusing mixture of emotions that bubbled through her as she eavesdropped like some Degrassi villain – or like Lily…..

* * *

><p><strong>April 2009<strong>

* * *

><p>When Robin hears Barney telling Ted that he "really likes" her, her first reaction is a flood of happiness and tingles. Because this is <em>Barney<em>….her Barney. And to find out that _he_ feels tingles too, well, she can't stop the immediate rush of pleasure at that knowledge. She finds herself unconsciously biting her lip, her heart racing along giddily. It almost seems too good to be true that Barney Stinson – _the_ Barney Stinson – could actually have real feelings for _her_.

But then she remembers. The reason it feels too good to be true is because it _is_. Barney Stinson doesn't do the emotional stuff. He doesn't do feelings. He does immediate gratification and one-night stands, a near constant stream of bimbos two hundred strong; she's seen the list. Barney Stinson doesn't do love and he doesn't do monogamy. That's practically his moto. So whatever he _thinks_ he feels for her right now – a crush, or tingles, or whatever – it's just the same as she feels for him: an undeniable chemistry, a powerful attraction. And nothing more. Nothing. Because anything else would be too crazy.

And this chemistry, this attraction he's feeling, it will be as fleeting as his interest in anything else. Here today and gone tomorrow. Just like that parade of two hundred plus.

She has to tell him 'no', let him down easy, save him the trouble…..Save them _both_ the trouble that would follow if she dared to say 'yes'.

And yet, as much as every rational part of her is screaming to shut it down immediately before anyone gets hurt – her most of all – her heart is still thumping madly at the thought of the tingles they could have _together_. Her heart is begging her to say 'yes' anyway.

Stubborn heart. Foolish heart.

Shut it down. Yep, she'll shut it down. There's no other sensible, realistic choice.

But first she has to figure out how on earth to do that without everything turning awkward between them and losing her best friend as a result. "Oh crap."

So after a near sleepless night, she takes the problem to Lily and Marshall for advice. And in true Marshmallow and Lilypad fashion they're ecstatic about romantic possibilities that simply don't, won't, _can't_ ever exist.

Robin goads them with talk of a big church wedding and a sleepy little Stinson bed and breakfast they'll run together as husband and wife just to show them how insane they're being. And when they still genuinely buy into the possibility she has to spell it out for them.

"_This is Barney_!" What about that don't they get? Even if, deep down, there's this hidden part of her that's a little bit serious about it, that's actually dreamed about those things, they are the furthest things from what Barney Stinson would _ever_ want. With her or anyone else.

The truth is, she's not enough to keep him…..no matter what her heart might want.

Which is why she determines that she has to Mosby him. She has to for the sake of his poor crushed ego. After finally having feelings for a girl, one who's as hot as her, and then being turned down? It would be too much for him to take.

Yes, focus on _that_. Play up that. Tell that lie to all the others – and herself. Because she can never, ever admit that the Mosbying is to protect her own self from the heartbreak that would inevitably follow taking a chance on Barney Stinson, admitting her own feelings, letting him inside in every sense of the word only to watch him slowly – or, let's be honest, _quickly_ – lose interest in her.

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>"I was secretly thrilled at the idea that you could have feelings for me, but at the same time so petrified that you'd be tired of me by the next morning," Robin tells him.<p>

"Please. That could never happen. I once told you I couldn't stop loving you any more than I could stop breathing, and I meant it. I'm still here, five and a half years later. I'm never going anywhere. You've got me, hook, line and sinker. I'm on your leash – sometimes literally."

She lets out a husky laugh, wiggling her body against his teasingly. "I'll drink to that. In fact, that is a fantastic idea." She's feeling light and fun and _happy_. It's such a happy occasion. How could it not be? Everyone now has everything they wanted, and that's worth celebrating. "Let's go drink some more. I feel like partying tonight."

"And then I'll ravish you in the ladies room the way I never got to at our wedding!" Barney adds, and they high five at that.

* * *

><p>Two hours later, ravishing has yet to take place. They keep getting interrupted as they attempt to sneak out together to the bathroom – first by the groom, then by the bride, even by little Marvin who wants to dance with his favorite aunt. Then they have to do a requisite show-stopping dance number, as usual. But the drinks keep flowing and it's still fun anyway.<p>

By the time they call it a night Barney is feeling the alcohol. Robin is just plain drunk.

Back at home, she wants to have sex with him immediately, literally the moment he drops his keys onto the divider. "Do me, right now," she requests. "I want you." She grabs on to his lapels, propelling him with her further into the living room with the intention of making it over onto the couch, despite the fact that Legendary is currently on it, but as she walks backwards she trips over her heels and nearly sends them both hurdling over the coffee table.

"This was our first married wedding," she continues unfazed, unknotting his tie. "We have to commemorate it. We should recreate _our_ wedding night." Robin whips the tie from his collar, tossing it onto the safety of the table – because even drunk she respects the importance of his clothing, and Everett has always been a favorite of hers. Next she eases his suit coat off his shoulders, slinging it over the back of the couch. "Come on, hurry up," she urges, her fingers now hastily undoing the buttons of his shirt. "I need you inside me. It'll be like a second honeymoon. We won't come up for air till morning."

That's always a welcome invitation, and her drunkenness never fails to delight him. Drunk Robin is a blast to be around. When she gets tipsy, or downright smashed, it lowers her reservations to precisely nil, like last month when he convinced her to sneak into the Natural History Museum afterhours – and this time they actually took the stuffed penguin home. It's her favorite, after all. He lives in the suit room now, a fitting spot as he's nature's only animal born right into this world suited up.

"We already had a second honeymoon," Barney reminds her. "In Italy. I know you can't have forgotten what we did at the Colosseum. That tour group of nuns who caught us sure haven't."

Discarding his shirt down on the couch too, she absently corrects, "Then it'll be like a _third_ honeymoon."

"We're going to have that next anniversary, once we decide where we're going," he replies as her hands paw over all the bare flesh she's now exposed.

"Okay, fine," Robin sighs impatiently, dropping all pretense now. "I just wanna have sex with you, okay? Hot, wild sex. Tonight was all about love, and I love you, and…..and I'm horny." Barney snorts in amusement at her admission. "And you look _really_ good in that suit, and I want you out of it." Her fingers move to his belt, tugging at the stubborn leather when her dulled reflexes hinder its removal. Finally she gives up, looking to her husband to free all the necessary parts. "Rip my clothes off, Barney, and just take me hard and fast."

It's a tempting offer and he almost takes her up on it. He actually moves his hands to the zipper of her dress. They're married after all, and they do love each other. He knows she won't mind in the morning if he has sex with her while she was drunk, especially when she was begging for it. It's not a question of taking advantage of her…..but she's barely standing. Even now, she's wobbling slightly on her feet. While sloppy drunk sex can be a great time, looking at her, Barney gets the impression they'd run a fairly high risk of Robin passing out partway through.

He unzips her dress anyway, certain she won't be able to on her own. "Why don't you get ready for bed first?" he suggests, pretty sure she'll pass out the minute her head hits her pillow.

"Good idea," Robin taps her temple, indicating just that. "Cause the bed is where we have sex."

Barney smirks. "Well, three quarters of the time, yes."

While she carefully makes her way into their bedroom, he goes to the kitchen to grab the first part of his patented hangover cure to have ready on her nightstand when she wakes up – a Red Bull to start, and then coffee with a hint of bourbon for hair of the dog and all that. Along with the Red Bull, he gathers up his various articles of clothing she stripped off him, hanging them back up in the suit room along with his pants to ensure they're wrinkle-free and to buy a little time. Finally, he and Legendary can't stall any longer and the pair head across the hall.

When he gets into the bedroom, Barney fully expects to find his wife dead to the world, and he isn't far off. She's still awake but barely, lying there atop the covers in her strapless bra and lace boyshorts. Apparently that's as far as she got to undressed.

Seeing him walk into the room wearing only his boxer briefs, Robin rolls over onto her back. "Okay, I'm ready. Come give it to me, Magic Man," she slurs.

Barney chuckles softly at that. It's one of their newer role-plays; his idea, naturally. He's a magician and she's his sexy, scantily clad assistant. Of course they get up to a whole lot more than magic tricks alone – although magic tricks _are_ involved. He remembers Robin's initial warning the first time they played: "Yes, Barney, your magic is impressive, but if you set me on fire I swear I will kill you. This is a $200 lace teddy and $75 silk stockings, not to mention the cost of the garters. Plus, I really don't want to have my lady parts set on fire tonight…." She'd let out a sexy, throaty little laugh realizing what she'd just said. "Well, not in that way," she'd winked, sharing an appreciative nod with him at her unintentional double entendre. "There's nothing sexy about going to the ER with third degree burns on your who-ha." He had to laugh at that.

But he has yet to so much as hit her with a spark, thank you very much, and there's something tremendously legendary about doing a magic set interlaced with all manner of foreplay to Pitbull's "Fireball" and then finishing with an _actual_ fireball. And while the fire may concern her, he knows Robin secretly gets off on the danger aspect – and later during the private, backstage portion of the role play she finds the chains he uses incredibly sexy.

However, she's barely conscious at the moment so they won't be playing Magic Man tonight, or anything else for that matter. "Why don't we get you under the covers?" Barney says gently. Approaching the bed, he lifts her legs up for her with one hand, pulling the sheets up with the other. All tucked in, she curls up on her side and he nods his head in approval. "There, that's better."

He climbs into bed then himself and she exhales a muffled sigh against the pillow at feeling his body near hers under the covers. Barney draws her in against him, smelling the scotch on her breath, and he smiles. "I love you, Mrs. Stinson. Even falling down drunk."

" 'm happy," Robin murmurs sleepily, snuggling her nose into his neck.

"Me too," he whispers…..And she's already softly snoring – one of those secret, intimate things that he alone gets to experience about her, the fact that she has a light snore when drunk that she doesn't even try to hide from him anymore. He grins, kissing her temple. "I promise to rock your world in the morning."

* * *

><p>A month later, in September, they find out Tracy is pregnant and Ted couldn't be more euphoric. The next few weeks go by normally and happily for them all – Ted already buying clothes for a child who won't be born for another nine months, Marshall working hard at the new law firm that hired him post-Italy by the recommendation of Tracy's father, Lily continuing to find art for the Captain, Robin's star rising further at WWN despite Sandy Rivers falling one, and Barney leading GNB to its most successful quarter ever.<p>

All is well until late October when a new book release captures the gang's attention.

Justin and Kyle, the two college kids who Barney ran into in Farhampton back in the spring of 2013, have published a new "bro's guide to hooking up" entitled _The Playbook_. Marshall gets his hands on a copy and shows them all at MacLaren's one night, and it is indeed a word-for-word rip-off of everything – every last play and tip – Barney gave them written on cocktail napkins when he passed the metaphorical torch of single life on to them.

Needless to say, a blowup occurs at the bar that night. And it only gets worse from there as, over the next two weeks, Justin and Kyle's pirated_ Playbook_ becomes a New York Times best seller and worldwide phenomenon for its creative, comical genius and the widespread reports that it actually works….83% of the time. Barney is outraged that he didn't get any of the credit, and it all comes to a head the third week of November 2014 when Robin and Barney have the first big fight of their marriage.

There have been squabbles, disagreements, and little arguments in the year and a half before now, but they've handled them all surprisingly amicably and settled them extremely quickly with very few angry words spoken. Although that really shouldn't be a surprise. Since their reunion and engagement they've shown the natural ability to handle _all_ of their disputes sensibly and sensitively, like their quarrel over Robin finding Barney's _Playbook_ before, or whether or not they'd sell the Fortress, or the many little difficulties that arose during their wedding weekend.

They never stay upset with each other for long. Thus far in their marriage they've settled any little tiff before it even got as far as sleeping on the couch; they want each other too much for that, and love each other so much it overrides anything else, including ego. But there seems to be a chink in that firm foundation on this particular mid-November evening as the whole _Playbook_ issue strikes some unfortunate nerves.

Robin arrives back at their apartment straight from the station and finds Barney sulking on the couch for the fourth straight day in a row since the new sales figures for the book came out. She figures he's probably on Youtube re-watching for the umpteenth time the ad they started running for the E! News interview with the boys airing this Friday night.

Frankly, Barney's disgruntlement over the issue is starting to get old. And frustrating. It's wearing on Robin's nerves. She understands to a point. Her husband takes his creative endeavors very seriously and, like it or not, _The Playbook_ was certainly one of them. But Barney's continued and increasing outrage has started to make her question if he's reacting a bit too strongly. She knows how others would perceive it: that the reason he's acting this way could be because he might, perhaps, be a little wistful for those _Playbook_ years.

Robin sighs heavily, trying to gather her patience as she sets her keys on the divider beside his and drops her purse onto the black leather chair.

"Hey," Barney greets her, looking up from his laptop. "I'm glad you're home. I've got exciting news: I've been discussing it with my lawyers all afternoon and they say I've got a solid case. I wanted to talk to you about it first, but they tell me they can have the papers for a lawsuit drawn up by tonight."

"For a what? You want to do _what_?" Robin can hardly believe her ears.

"Sue them, of course." Barney shrugs as if it's the simplest thing in the world, because to him it is. Fair is fair and they can't get away with what they did. "They stole my idea, they stole my plays, they stole everything word-for-word."

"Barney," she replies in disbelief, "you _can't_ sue them." It was one thing when he was outraged privately, but to take this public is unthinkable.

"Uh, yeah I can." He closes his laptop, standing up to explain it to her eye-to-eye, though he fails to understand what there really is to explain. "It's an open and shut case. They're famous off a direct copy of what _I_ gave them and they're passing it off as their own work."

"Yes, but you can't take credit publically."

"Why not?" he questions in confusion. The facts are all there; the law is on _his_ side.

"Do you have any idea the can of worms that would open?" Robin responds. "It could lead to a messy, sensationalized trial. Just the very fact of you filing a lawsuit will draw attention. Can't you just let it go?"

"Let it go?" Barney replies, taken aback. "Robin, we're not talking about a guy who took my cab or cut in front of me in line at the coffee shop. These two stole something I spent _years_ of my life working on. Do you really just expect me to let that go? Forget about it like it's nothing?"

No. She can see that's not going to happen. He's stubbornly digging in his heels on this and it makes her resent his fervor all the more, his endless defense and fondness for that book. "Have you even thought about how this will reflect on me?"

His spine straightens like a string pulling him up. "Wait a minute, that's what this is about?" he asks in a flat, suspiciously quiet voice she hardly recognizes.

"Well, it's not exactly putting our best face forward." Why is he making her feel like _she's_ the one in the wrong? It's a perfectly valid concern; anyone would agree. "Surely you must see why I don't want to be known as the woman who married the Player King, Mr. Two Hundred And Fifty Plus of the definitive guide on how to lie to women and trick them into sleeping with you."

"Hey, my plays are an _art form_," he retorts, insulted. "Sometimes when you're single you just wanna get laid. Women do too. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about; I know you do. But it's easy for women. All you have to do is flip your hair, flash a little leg, show a bit of boob to reel guys in. And for someone as hot as you, all you have to do is literally be there. But even hot guys have to work for it. I perfected the best ways. What's wrong with wanting credit for that? That was _me_ out there, and now they get all the glory."

His revived desire to get _that_ kind of glory makes Robin scoff. "I don't want to be a part of a public suit that's going to make me into a worldwide laughingstock for being married to the guy who had such a horrible view of women."

"Is that what you think of me?" he asks, umbrage clear in his voice again.

"_You're_ the one talking about wanting credit for the 'art form' and being out there in your glory days." She runs her hands through her hair in frustration. "Why does that wretched book always have to keep coming back to haunt me? Am I going to find you kept another hidden copy somewhere? And why is this so important to you anyway?" She drops her hands to her side, sighing, and her next statement is spoken softer but still laced with accusation. "It makes a person start to wonder…."

Barney is keenly alert at that, his eyes holding hers steadily. "Wonder what?"

She's hesitant to answer at first, but she doesn't think she's out of line. When dealing with _Barney Stinson_ this would absolutely be the natural thing to question. "That maybe you care a little too much and might be feeling a little bit too wistful about your _Playbook_."

"How can you say that?" he asks in exasperation.

"Don't turn this around on me. You're the one who started it by wanting the world to know how many women you've screwed and then climbed out of the window afterwards."

"That's not fair, Robin. And you weren't exactly a saint before me either," he replies with an edge of anger in his tone now.

"What does that have to do with anything? _I'm_ not the one with the need to broadcast it around." And then she has to ask the question that's been mocking her in the back of her reporter's mind, the question that anyone who hears this story will ask first thing. "Are you trying to live vicariously through that stupid _Playbook_? Do you wish you were still out there like them? Is that what this is really about?"

It's a direct hit, whether she meant it to be or not, because it kills Barney to know she still thinks that way. "After everything, going on two years of marriage, how can you even question that?"

"Well what am I supposed to think?" she defends. "What is the _world_ supposed to think when you just won't let this go? When you want to drag it into a public lawsuit where the whole entire truth will come out, including how those boys got that copy of your precious _Playbook _– when you ran out on me the night before our wedding to get drunk at some strip club."

"That is _not_ how it happened and you know it," he snaps, resentment and irritation growing. "You're being ridiculous."

That leaves Robin stammering because it's a laughably hypocritical charge when this whole thing is over a silly little book he refuses to let go of no matter how it might upset her. "I'm not the one who's being ridiculous, who can't seem to take our marriage seriously."

Barney can't stand the insinuation that she believes he's ridiculous, and the sting of that causes him to strike back. "Yeah, because I was the only one who had last-minute jitters. No wait. That was _you_ who was bolting minutes before our wedding, threatening to take off with some other guy."

Robin feels guilt and shame churn in her stomach at that charge. "I don't have to stand here and listen to this."

She turns to leave and Barney calls after her, "Oh yeah, run away. It wouldn't be the first time you left me standing here alone. When you come back, are you going to have Kevin with you?"

She stops short in the open doorway, feeling the blow of that remark.

"Or maybe Ted?" he continues. And his next words are lost to her in the slamming of the door. "They were both better guys then me anyway, right?"

Left alone, Barney storms into the bedroom and Robin to the elevator, jamming the call button.

Exactly sixteen seconds go by and then the same thought goes screaming through each of their minds drowning out everything else: _What am I doing_?

They both go running back. Barney hurries down the hall to go after her, Robin rushes back in through the apartment door to find him, and they wind up meeting in the living room just behind the couch. "I'm sorry," they both say in unison, and then their arms are wrapped around each other in a warm embrace.

"I do take our marriage seriously," he promises her, drawing back to look into her eyes. "You know that, don't you? Tell me you know that," he requests, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"I _do_ know that. I don't want to fight with you," she sighs. "This was about my own emotional baggage; it's not your fault. I was just being stupid and jealous."

"Jealous of what? Nothing can compare to you, Robin. It has nothing to do with that lifestyle. It was just a creative thing and a matter of principal," Barney explains. "What if someone had pirated your Robin Sparkles songs and claimed them as their own? Getting mad about it wouldn't mean you want to _be_ Robin Sparkles again, but that was a phase of your life you were famous for and it's part of who you are. That was you out there singing those songs and no one else has a right to take credit for that."

"I know, and I get it. I can see that point of view. I'm sorry," she says remorsefully, fiddling with the buttons at the wrist of his suit coat. "I shouldn't have overreacted that way."

"I shouldn't have reacted the way I did either," Barney tells her, cupping her face, his thumb softly brushing over her check. "It just that...it's something of a sore point. Truthfully, it hit too close to home." His hand falls back to his side and his expression is one of unmasked vulnerability as he makes the bare admission, "I know I married out of my league. I know you're too good for me, for what I was. But it hurt to know – " He cuts off and doesn't meet her eye when he finally finishes. "It hurt to know you're ashamed of me."

"Barney, I'm _not_ ashamed of you," Robin swears, reaching down to take his hand. "I'm not. That's not it. Just, the _Playbook_ brings up a lot of old stuff, and with you so upset that they were getting known as player kings and not you, it just reignited that old fear that maybe there could be a tiny part of you that might miss that – but no, that's not even it, not really," she corrects herself. "Not all of it. Not _most_ of it."

"It's that you're embarrassed of what I used to be," Barney finishes for her, "and I understand that. You're a top anchor at WWN and your husband's past antics _would_ be news; it _would_ reflect poorly on you."

Robin shakes her head no. "I wasn't embarrassed. We already both agreed that we love our story, every messy chapter. And that Player King? That's the guy I fell in love with. I've never wanted you to change too much, cause I still love that guy. I love _you_. Every part of what makes you you. The reason I got so upset was that…..I was worried about what people would think," she says quietly, ashamed to admit it. "I just – I didn't want people who don't really know us or our story to misunderstand it and think differently about you, or me, or our relationship. I didn't want people to look at it on paper and think you're fooling _me_ now, running some kind of long play or something. I didn't want people to think that you haven't really changed or that you don't really love me." She sees him start to open his mouth – she knows to assure her of the falseness of that – and she interrupts, needing him to know that she doesn't think that herself. "_I_ know that's not true, but I wanted _other people_ to know it too. Right now, people see Barney Stinson and they know without a doubt that he's crazy about his wife. I didn't want that to change. But I realize now that was selfish and childish of me. It doesn't matter what other people think. All that matters is what _we_ know. This is _our_ relationship, our marriage, not anyone else's. Let people say what they will."

They're both silent a moment, and then Barney nods. "In the shrewd and prudent words that are the anthem of Swifties the world over: Haters gonna hate." He pauses and then just has to add, "Hate, hate, hate, hate." And that breaks the tension, making her laugh the way he knew it would.

"Robin, no matter what, people are always going to see that Barney Stinson is _crazy_ about Robin Scherbatsky because it's written all over my face whenever I look at you. And being the woman who married the Player King, Mr. Two Hundred And Fifty Plus, author of _The Playbook_, that's not laughable. It's the ultimate compliment and should therefore garner the ultimate respect. Just look at the way people see George Clooney's wife. It means you're a remarkable, incredible woman. You're the one woman in this whole world who could make such an unrepentant womanizer change his ways and want to settle down. No," he modifies, "not just want to. _Need_ to."

"You're right," Robin acknowledges. "That's why I've never minded your scoring record being so high. I actually kind of liked it, was proud of it. Because I'm the one woman who's _not_ just another number to you. The only one you loved enough to make your wife. I shouldn't have let worrying about what other people might think warp my own view of it and how I feel. This is no one else's business but ours. And the truth is those boys plagiarized and you _should_ get credit for your own work."

"I should, but I don't want that."

"Barney, you've practically been having a stroke this whole week."

"I know, but I really don't want my name on _The Playbook_, not anymore."

She gives him a skeptical look. "Come on, Barney. You promised to always be honest with me."

"I _am_ being honest. I'm telling you the whole, unbridled truth," he pledges. "What you said made me realize that I don't know what I was thinking before. I don't like them taking credit for what I wrote. I _hate_ it, in fact. The creative part of me – the magician, the performer – wants to ring their lying necks. But at the same time, I don't want to be known for that stuff anymore. That's not who I am now. The plays _were_ ingenious and fun to write," Barney upholds, "but, Robin, I'm not proud of everything I've done, I'm not. Yes, there's a certain amount of pride and ego in knowing you can wrap the opposite sex around your finger, that you're _that_ desirable, that you could have anyone you want. You know that too. But….maybe two hundred and fifty _is_ too many; I don't know. What I do know is that life is about more than just meaningless sex. _I'm_ about more than that. I always was, and now I can admit it and own it. Now I get to be more than that. Because of you. So, no, I don't want my name plastered on the front of _The Playbook_."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I am. And on top of that, you were right. We _do_ need to worry about protecting our reputation."

"Barney, I – "

"Wait. Before you say anything, before you say you don't need me to protect you, I already know that. You're your own daddy and mommy; I fully appreciate that. But it's not just your name to protect anymore," he reasons. "I'm the CEO of GNB now too. It wouldn't be good publicity for me either. The fact is we each have high-powered careers in the public eye that we love. Realistically, that's something we both need to be concerned about."

"Okay," Robin answers, wrapping her arms back around him and nestling in close. "I'm sure we can find a middle ground here." She takes a deep breath before forging ahead into something messy yet something that must be dealt with. "But I need to talk about what you said. About running away, about leaving you."

"I shouldn't have said that," Barney is quick to concede.

"You – " She falters and it takes all the courage in her to dare to meet his eyes for fear of what she might find there. "That was just in the heat of the moment….right? You don't really think that, do you?

"No," he says in that raw, open voice he only uses in moment like this, when it's extremely important, when he knows he's messed up. "That's all in the past, and even then I understand why you did what you did. I was just dredging up old wounds, something to throw back at you so I wouldn't feel like the only sinner….So I wouldn't seem so far beneath you."

"Barney, you're not beneath me," Robin assures him, rubbing her hands across his shoulders tenderly. "You were right; I wasn't perfect before you. I am so far from a saint myself," she laughs, her fingers playing at the back of his neck the way she knows he loves. "Would a saint have let you do position _number 45_ in the sex swing two months before we were joined in marriage – and on Easter Sunday? Would a saint have given you a blowjob behind a tree at our godson's first birthday party – with literally a park full of toddlers mere feet away – simply because I thought you looked good in that suit?"

Barney grins, tugging her in against his. "Point taken. You're just as bad as I am. You're a little minx. A bad girl who likes it dirty."

"I _do_. I am," she proudly owns it. "But I need you to know that I would _never_ just give up on our marriage. If we ever had a problem, a real problem, I would stay and I would fight for you, for us, for this life we have together."

"I know that. And I would too. There is nothing that could happen, nothing that could ever in a million years make me give up and throw this away. I wouldn't ever, _ever_ want out. Robin Stinson, you are stuck with me."

"Not stuck. Happy. Fortunate. Overjoyed to have you," she says, fingers threading up into his soft blond hair. "I'm not going anywhere either. You've got me for life. One silly little fight couldn't possibly shake that. _Nothing_ could ever change that. I love you, Barney. Always have, always will."

"I love you too, Robin," he whispers affectionately seconds before he presses his lips to hers. One kiss leads to a second, but then he gently eases back. "Alright, so let's work this through."

"Okay, well, like I said, I think we can find a compromise here where we both get a bit of what we want and everyone's happy and satisfied."

"We're experts at that in bed," Barney says suggestively. "Why can't it translate to every aspect of our relationship?"

"Why indeed," Robin smiles, drawing him in for another kiss. "You know what I like best about this fight?"

"All the make-up sex we're about to have?" he hints, bending to kiss her neck.

"That too," she smirks as his lips move over her skin. "But I was talking about how seamlessly we've transitioned from lone wolves to pack mentality."

Stopping in the trail of kisses down her neck, he looks up at her. "Hey, that's right."

"Yeah, I mean, you checked with me first. You didn't just go file the suit on your own without discussing it with me. And now we're working something out that will work for us _both_."

"We did it," he declares with pride. "We definitively proved that former lone wolves can learn to work together."

The look on his face is so endearingly pleased that she needs him touching her _now_. With no tie or suit coat on at the moment, her fingers grip his open collar, pulling him to her by his shirt. "But we're still animalistic, right?"

In an erotic whisper, that voice he knows gets her every time, he promises, "Baby, I'm preying on you tonight, hunt you down eat you alive."

Robin smiles, knowing he's quoting the song. Her smile widens when his hands go down to her rear end, and that little smile turns positively risqué when she replies, "After you've….'eaten' me – "

"That's what you want, huh?" Barney interrupts, amused and aroused, because the way she said it left no mistake about what she's asking for. She shots him a coy look along with a sexy wink, and now he bursts right out into song. "_You can't deny-ny-ny-ny the beast inside-side-side-side that comes alive when I'm inside you_." He smirks knowingly at her. "_Any_ part of me," he says, waggling his incredibly skilled tongue at her.

Her delighted reaction is as natural and instinctive as breathing; she closes her eyes, shakes her head, and laughs. "Get over here, you idiot. Give me some of that tongue."

They kiss again, this one hot and hungry and deep, tongues tangling and teasing just as she requested. When they break apart, both a little out of breath, Barney howls like a wolf, just as in the song, and Robin laughs. "Okay, so, make-up sex."

"I aim to please," Barney vows.

"And then we figure this thing out."

"Over two Cubans and some Glen McKenna?" he suggests.

Robin grins. "Sounds like a plan."

They high five, then kiss, and as it's getting heated she asks, "Did you just unhook my bra?"

"Still got it!"

"Yeah ya do." She pulls him in, making out again as they head to their bedroom. "But we've got to find you some new Pandora stations," she murmurs against his lips.

"What's wrong with Adam Levine? That dude's a solid bro."

"I know he is, baby."

"Team Adam _totally_ should have won last season," he says, getting distracted by not-quite-healed bitterness.

Robin senses a long rant coming on, perhaps complete with some kind of chart or new rule. "Okay, okay. Let's not get into that again. You're supposed to be getting into _me_, remember?"

"Mmmm," Barney hums, attention one hundred percent back on her as he draws her hips against his. "Let's speed that process along." And, reaching for the edge of her dress, he bunches it up around her waist.

* * *

><p>Lying together afterwards, they're more clingy than usual following the ordeal. It's their silent way of reiterating they're never letting each other go, come hell or high water. Robin's laying with her arm around his waist, her cheek against his chest, listing to his heartbeat, and Barney has his legs tangled up with hers as he tenderly strokes her side and back.<p>

"That was great," Robin murmurs, pressing a kiss to his chest.

Reaching down and drawing her thigh up across his hip, Barney brushes his fingers along her silken skin to cup her butt cheek. "_Yes_, it was," he roguishly agrees.

She smiles up at him. "I didn't mean the sex, although that was fantastic, but we're always great at that."

"You meant the way we worked through our fight. I know; I was teasing you. It _was_ great. We can get over any hurdle together, Robin….Of course it would have been simpler if we just went straight to what happened afterwards."

"Straight to sex? That's what we used to do to try to avoid fights; it doesn't work."

He shakes his head against the pillow. "No, straight to laying out the way we feel and what's upsetting us rather than expecting the other to just know, or getting hurt because they don't."

Robin nods. "Or yelling at each other instead."

"It's a good plan."

"We _almost_ did it this time. After a five minute fight, it only took us seconds to come back and work it out. That's pretty good."

"It is," Barney agrees, stroking her back again.

"It was my fault," she muses. "I should have told you the way I was feeling days ago. And I never should have just left."

"It was my fault too," he shares in the blame. "Instead of focusing on my own anger over what happened I should have thought more about how it could be affecting you."

"It's done now." Robin pats his chest as she lifts herself from him and moves to sit up. "We learned from it. We'll be even better at fighting next time."

"Is there going to be a next time?" Barney asks, sitting up now too.

She shrugs. "It's us. We're both passionate people."

"Yeah. And a married couple."

"Mm-hmm. So there probably will be another fight sometime down the line."

"But we'll get through it," he proclaims assuredly.

"We will," she concurs with that same certainty. "Now….what are we going to do about Justin and Kyle?"

"Okay." Barney rubs his hands together with determination, ready to tackle the task at hand. But first they'll need provisions. "I'll get the booze, you get the cigars, and we'll figure this thing out."

"Deal," Robin says, pulling him in to seal it with a kiss.

* * *

><p>And they do find a satisfactory compromise. In fact, it all settles itself more easily than they even hoped when their lawyers arrange for mediation. Once Justin and Kyle are back face-to-face with their would-be mentor, they're immediately contrite and admit to everything. It turns out they just wanted to elevate their nerd status because, much like Ted, they couldn't get most of the plays to work for them. Lacking Barney's confidence, bravado, charm, and visceral sex appeal they couldn't pull it off on their own and were still striking out with the ladies. The only reason they decided to publish <em>The Playbook<em> was out of a hope that becoming famous authors would increase their chances.

"Boys," Barney tells them wisely, "if you want to get laid, you don't need to be famous." Justin and Kyle nod repentantly, recognizing the error of their ways. "You just need to be rich! Girls will sleep with any guy as long as he's got enough money."

"_Barney_," Robin protests.

"And it's no wonder you're not getting any action looking that that," he continues, unfazed. "What did I tell you is Rule Number One? Always _suit up_!"

After that, Barney re-befriends the guys, taking them back under his wing, and they agree to an out of court settlement. It was never about the money. He has more than plenty, and Robin's _loaded_; they'll never need to worry about finances. He lets the boys keep the profits, but it's still about the principal of the thing. With that in mind, as part of the settlement, Justin and Kyle must make a public apology and admission of what they'd done as well as print that disclaimer on all publications of the book. And since Barney and Robin do have that pack mentality, as part of the agreement the boys have to make this apology solely to WWN's Robin Scherbatsky. Landing the exclusive interview on _her_ news program should be a ratings goldmine; _The Playbook_ is a New York Times Best Seller, after all.

When it comes time for the broadcast, Barney is standing just off camera watching his wife do the live interview as Justin and Kyle admit they weren't the true writers and were working as a shadow for the real author – known only under the pseudonym "The Barnacle" – who would like to remain anonymous as he is a public figure and no longer lives that kind of lifestyle.

The whole studio, even the camera crew, listens keenly as Justin reads The Barnacle's prepared statement: "I am now a settled and happily married man who fell head-over-heels, madly, irretrievably in love and completely reformed for and through the love of an amazing, one-of-a-kind woman who is now my wife."

As the interview goes on, Robin is all professionalism – asking all the right questions with spot-on timing, milking the camera worthy moments like when Kyle starts to tear up remorsefully – and Barney, as always, never fails to be impressed and proud of her.

As she wraps things up Robin looks over to Barney, locking eyes with him mischievously. "And The Barnacle – who I'm told is still _incredible_ in bed, making his wife one lucky woman – is currently working on his next book that you'll also shadow with him."

"That's right," Justin confirms, but Robin ignores him, continuing to hold her husband's gaze.

"Expected out in 2016, this sequel already has a title, _The Playbook 2: A guide to how to be the best husband and have the best married life_." That was Barney's idea, a take-off on what he said in his last blog entry. Why limit himself to just a blog when it can be a published work, and an eBook, and an audio book too for that matter. "I've actually spoken to The Barnacle off-camera and you've heard it from me, America, they _do_ have a wonderful marriage. In fact, I have firsthand knowledge that he and his wife are having date night tonight."

Barney smiles at her, and then his pulse picks up at her next words.

"They'll be spending the evening together, first with dinner and then playing Battleship until the wee hours…."

The interview turns out to be a complete success and every bit the ratings triumph Robin had hoped for; it even wins its share for that timeslot.

Barney continues to teach Justin and Kyle how to live. With Robin's wingwoman help, on their first night at MacLaren's the Stinsons manage to score each guy a bed partner for the night.

And because of the whole mystery surrounding a public figure and the shrouded, secret identity of The Barnacle, the public and media go wild with speculation on who it could be, driving up sales for _The Playbook_ even more – just in time for the Christmas buying season. What's more, according to the publishers, presales for _The Playbook 2 _have already broken records for a nonfiction book.


	77. 2015 (Part One)

**AN:** Originally I wanted to have each year self-contained within one chapter, but when I got to 50 word processor pages and was still only halfway done with 2015's events I realized that was silly and it was better to release it in parts. That way I've updated the story and haven't overwhelmed readers with a small novel! (Although this is still very long.) That's why this chapter only covers January – May, but it's still kind of cool as Barney and Robin's real-time events in 2015.

* * *

><p><strong>2015<strong>

* * *

><p>On January 10th of 2015 – going on a half century after their son was born – Loretta Stinson and Sam Gibbs are finally getting married.<p>

Barney's mom insisted the winter wedding be simple but she's still a bit self-conscious that she's never been married before and is now taking the plunge for the first time at her age, in her mid-sixties. She doesn't feel right for many reasons wearing white and chose a champagne dress instead. To feel even less conspicuous, she's asked the other women in attendance – which amounts to Robin, a few Stinson cousins, one aunt, and a couple female relatives from Sam's side of the family – to wear cream too.

Luckily, Barney has long since gotten over his mommy and daddy issues, so when the day arrives he and Robin are able to spend the afternoon pleasantly drama-free while getting dressed for the wedding.

Robin has never admitted it to anyone besides her husband, but getting ready to go out together is secretly one of her favorite times. There's just this easy intimacy in their established routines that she enjoys. Her clothes have been in the bedroom closet ever since she moved in, and Barney keeps all of his formalwear – meaning nearly everything he owns – in the suit room. It would be easier for Robin to simply get ready in their bedroom while he dresses next door, but she's always been enamored with his one-of-a-kind suit room.

Barney had the one-time second bedroom – that no one but her and Ted have still ever set foot in – fully converted to the ultimate personal dressing room back when he bought the place. Along the entire length of three walls are custom-built, glass-encased, temperature and humidity controlled closets to house his racks of couture suits, along with shelves above for his equally designer shoes. On the remaining wall are two large, lighted tie consoles designed by Barney himself to hold those beloved and individually named sartorial companions, as well as a mid-size mirror hanging on the wall in between for last-minute touch-ups. In the center of the room there's a marble-topped octagonal table with storage on all sides beneath for his belts, tie clips, watches, and other assorted trappings. Finally, in the far corner of the room, stands a three-way, full-length floor mirror.

Everything is unmistakably masculine, all dark hardwood floors but with a soft, thick oversized rug to warm bare feet on cool winter days, and enough natural light coming through the lone window – shuttered for privacy – to give it a nice, welcoming feeling. The whole room rivals anything even Tim Gunn could come up with.

The suit room is unequivocally stylish and swanky, but most of all it is so thoroughly and distinctly _Barney_. His inimitable scent – some unique combination of his cologne, body wash, and a natural scent all his own – lingers in the air, instinctively making Robin feel at home. That, in combination with her appreciation for watching Barney get dressed – the methodical way he picks out his clothing or will sometimes let her pick for him, along with the somehow sexy-as-hell way he puts it all on – leads her to get ready in there too most of the time. She'll usually do her hair in the master bathroom, then select an outfit and bring it into the suit room to get dressed along with him.

It's a routine that, years ago, Robin would have dismissed with disgust as a nauseatingly co-dependent coupley practice, but it's not something they consciously settled into. It just came naturally – and that's something Pre-Barney Robin couldn't understand for the life of her. Until she experienced it herself.

Couples were like aliens to her back then. She figured the world of commitment and love must require you to become this strangely fused Relationship Thing she saw in movies and then in real life once she met Marshall and Lily. Though it was completely foreign to her, she always had the idea that was just how you're "supposed to" behave in a relationship, what you _must_ become if you decide to take up residence in Commitment Town – which is part of what made relationships so repellent to her.

It was only once she fell head over heels in love herself that she came to realize all of these so-called coupley habits and rituals don't need to be something you force yourself to do because you _have_ to. You do it because you _want_ to. You enjoy it. What's more, you do all of those coupley things without any thought or consideration at all. You just like being together that way. You love the little world the two of you have built together. That's exactly how it happened with her and Barney. They have their own little rituals and coupley things that would have once horrified her but are now just instinctive, normal, and actually rather lovely.

Except for apple picking and antiquing; those will always be lame.

So now, a year and a half into their marriage, Robin and Barney have naturally fallen into the routine of getting dressed together, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

At the moment, they're both nearly ready for the wedding, all but for a few finishing touches. Barney's jacket is still on the hanger and he's just selected his tie when Robin walks up and stands in front of the wall mirror to apply her lipstick. As he's tying Rupert round his neck, Barney gets distracted by watching her. No matter how many years he's known her or how many times he's seen her naked, the attraction never fades and it's still as unconscious as breathing for him to give her a little onceover.

As always, his wife looks amazing, but she's stepped up her game even further for the wedding. Her heels are still in the corner – he knows they're the very last thing she puts on – and his eyes stall on her bare feet. There's something about her cute little toes, all polished and shiny and attractive, that he finds incredibly sexy. His gaze rakes over her body from those sexy toes all the way to the crown of her head where she's got her hair pulled up, showing off her soft neck. Altogether, she looks incredible, absolutely beautiful, sophisticated, and stylish.

And staggeringly hot….the way that underneath that elegance and classiness of the modest cream dress he can still see the lines of her body, all those magnificent, gentle curves he has intimate knowledge of – just how they feel in his hands and against his body, just what she likes, just how much of a dirty, dirty girl she is beneath that polished exterior. He could see it on first glance but had _no idea_ back then just how hard she could rock his world.

And now he's sporting a partial; that's what she still does to him without even trying.

However, it's a look he obviously cannot show up with at his mother's wedding – to a minister, of all people. But, though he adjusts his pants, but still doesn't take his eyes off her, letting them continue an even slower perusal…..

Robin has just capped her lipstick when she feels Barney come up behind her and slip his arms around her waist. She thinks it's sweet, this habit of his. That's his closeted secret: Barney Stinson likes to cuddle. It feels nice having him hold her – warm and tender, content and relaxed. She lets the feeling envelope her, smiling at him through the mirror.

When he returns the smile, she leans back against him – and all thoughts of sweetness promptly disappear.

Her lips quirk up and she silently shakes her head. She knows exactly what he's about. As if the hardness poking her hip wasn't evidence enough, he moves one hand down to her thigh and the other begins stroking a path along her side, his thumb grazing the side of her breast.

"Barney….."

"What?" he asks innocently.

"You know what. We're supposed to be getting ready for your mom's wedding, not having sex."

"Why, that's ridiculous!"

"You weren't thinking about sex?" she skeptically poses. In answer to her question, his open mouth lands against her neck. "Mm-hmm, that's what I thought."

But he notices that she tilts her head to give him a better angle.

"You didn't let me finish," Barney explains between soft kisses to her skin. "I mean it's ridiculous because this is the _perfect_ time to celebrate the love between man and wife."

"What did you say?" Robin queries.

He stops kissing her and lifts his head so she can hear him better. "I said, we should celebrate the love between man and wife," he repeats seductively.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Now he gives her a look, because he knows she must have heard him.

"Lil' Barney keeps talking so loudly, he's drowning you out," she smartly replies.

Barney chuckles low and dirty. "Saucy minx," he murmurs, back to kissing her neck. At her soft sigh of pleasure, he glides his hand up to cup her breast, the other gripping her hipbone as he slowly grinds against her. "Do you hear what he's saying now?"

Robin shoos his hand away, ducking out from his embrace with a smile. "I hear him loud and clear, but you're not going to mess up my hair. This took a half an hour's worth of bobby pinning and we don't have time for me to do it up again. What would your mother think if I showed up to her wedding with sex hair?"

"That marriage is the right thing to do."

Robin can't help laughing at that.

"We have forty minutes before we have to leave…." Barney entices.

She shakes her head. "No, we don't. Ranjit called and said he's coming ten minutes early because of traffic, remember?"

"Mm," he nods, now recalling. Nevertheless, he snuggles up to her again. "That still gives us a half an hour." Nudging her dangling earring away with his nose, Barney sucks the receptive skin just beneath her ear and can feel her melting against him in response. He moves his hand around from her hip to slide low across her abdomen, using his outstretched pinky to rub teasing circles where it will affect her most. He smiles at her answering moan.

"Dammit, Barney," she groans. "Why didn't we do this _before_ we got dressed?"

"We did. This morning," he answers, his voice huskily amused as he continues stroking her. "But I want seconds."

The words are barely out of his mouth when she spins around, crushing her lips to his. And the lipstick tube falls forgotten down onto the floor.

* * *

><p>Breathing heavily, Robin unhooks her ankles from around Barney's waist and he eases his hips back from where they have her pressed against the marble tabletop, giving her room to sit up.<p>

Still recovering, she grips his shoulder while his hands grip the table for purchase, but he manages to lift his left wrist to check his watch. "See," he pants, "we've still got ten minutes to spare."

Sliding her legs down his calves to land shaky feet back on the ground, Robin adjusts her panties back into place and slips her skirt down, smoothing out the wrinkles. "You were right," she smiles happily as she stretches her muscles out. "That was just what we needed before a long night of family and formality."

Looking at her adoringly, Barney softly laughs, all languid and content in a post-coital afterglow.

"But come on," she urges, dropping a tender kiss to his lips as she brushes past him. "We've got to get going. This is your _mother's_ wedding; we can't be late."

"Right. Right," he agrees, bending to fix his boxer briefs and pull up his pants.

It was a wild twenty minutes, during which they managed to knock the little mirror right off the wall before finishing their lovemaking over on the table. On her way to the fallen mirror, Robin retrieves her lipstick from where it rolled and grabs the Kleenex box they'd also bumped off the top. Rather than take the time right now to bother rehanging it, she simply props the mirror up against the wall and gets down on the floor to reapply her lipstick.

Looking at her reflection, she notes their little lovemaking session _did_ muss her hair, just as she'd fear. But rather than being obvious "sex hair" the now messy up-do actually works for her and looks even better than before. "Hmm," she considers. "Maybe this is how I should do my hair from now on. You can just bang it into place." She winks over at her husband.

He grins as he begins to re-button his shirt, but that grin falters when he glances down in search of his tie and finds it crumpled on the floor beneath the fallen mirror. Robin drags it out but it's too twisted and wrinkled to put back on today. Worse still, with a gasp, he's aghast to discover Robin's lipstick smeared on his collar.

Giggling, Robin shrugs, looking back into the mirror as she blots her lips with the tissue – something he didn't give her time to do before. "Your fault; you started it."

Barney nods in acknowledgement as he strips off the ruined shirt and adds it to the dry cleaning pile. "But I _allllways_ get the yes," he smirks, going to grab a new shirt.

* * *

><p>The wedding is a simple ceremony, short and sweet. No formal wedding party, just Barney standing up on her side and James on his dad's while Loretta walks down the aisle to Sam, followed by a recitation of traditional vows.<p>

But since both are former partiers who still have that disposition to have a good time, the reception in a hall across town from Sam's church is where the fun really begins. First, there's a sit-down, if somewhat informal, dinner that gives Barney and Robin the chance to catch up with James and Tom, who just got back from their second honeymoon.

James once said the magic faded in his relationship after they get married, but the truth is it wasn't marriage at all. Their wedding was back in 2008 and they had several happy years together after that. Things didn't seriously begin to deteriorate until the summer of 2012. James's affair with Gary Blauman began a few months later, on New Year's Eve, and came as a result of those preexisting issues in his marriage.

Really, everything was fine until they added a second child into the mix. Not that they don't love Sadie to pieces and never regret adopting her for even one second, but two kids under the age of five can be straining for any marriage. It was more work than either one of them bargained for. They started fighting. James was unhappy so he avoided home, seeking solace at the gym, but his constant absence only led to more fights. Then one afternoon while visiting his brother at work, James ran into Blauman. He became his closest friend, someone he could confide in about the troubles in his marriage…..Until one thing led to another.

He told himself it was love, and at first a part of him believed it might genuinely be true. Blauman showered her with the affection and exclusive attention he wasn't getting at home, and it felt good. With Blauman things were simple – no kids, no complications, no responsibilities, nothing but fun and indulgence. But there was no substance to it and it eventually wore thin – a lesson he'd already learned by the time he first met Tom. At that point, James _had_ to tell himself it was love because he couldn't face that he'd broken his marriage vows and stepped out on his family for anything less. When Tom found out about Blauman two months before Barney and Robin's wedding, he threw James out. Things got too complicated for Blauman, who ended it with him too, and James wound up all alone with plenty of time on his hands to contemplate his mistakes and all the many ways he'd gone wrong.

It was rocky there for a while, but a few weeks after Barney and Robin's wedding Tom agreed to enter into couple's counseling with James. By this time last year, Tom was ready to invite James to move back home on a trial basis, during which James was able to prove to him that he'd changed his selfish way, that his infidelity was a one-time thing, and that from now on his family is his number one concern. All of the Stinsons – including Robin and Barney – couldn't be happier to see things going so well between them again.

Once dinner is finished, Mr. and Mrs. Gibbs – though Loretta has opted to legally keep her name so it will still match her boys – have their first dance. Then, at his mom's request, and because it's a wedding so they just _have_ to, Barney and Robin perform one of their renowned dance routines, this time to Bruno Mars "Uptown Funk".

Contrary to Barney's advice, his mom opted for a DJ rather than a band, but as the night wears on at least there's karaoke.

James gets up and sings a duet with Sam. Not to be outdone, Barney sings a rollicking rendition of "Piano Man" and then hopes to coax Robin into getting up there with him too. He knows better than to try with Robin Sparkles songs; that was a onetime deal for _their_ wedding only and he's still astonished that she did it for him. So he sings "For the Longest Time" to her instead, certain it will evoke memories.

She smiles, knowing exactly what he's doing, but stops short of actually going up on stage.

Not dissuaded in the lest, Barney momentarily hangs the microphone up to walk down the two steps to her. "Come on, Robin…." he cajoles. "The people have a bona fide pop star in their midst. You wouldn't disappoint them, would you?"

Robin already knows this is a losing battle. No one wheedles quite like Barney; he has persuasion skills that have literally been emulated by the government.

"For me?" he asks softly, and it's the final nail in her coffin as he knew it would be. His pout turns to a beaming smile as she sighs in capitulation. "This'll be fun! I looked at the catalogue. We can even do an Elton John duet."

The fact is, Robin does enjoy Elton John's music but can't quite make the connection since she's never expressed a particular devotion to him that would make Barney think his music could sway her. Her curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "Why Elton John?"

There's a mischievous glint in his eyes as he answers. "The British love Elton John."

"Barney, we're Canadian, not British."

"Same thing," he replies with a little smirk that lets her know he said it on purpose.

She rolls her eyes as he grabs her wrist, but lets him pull her up on stage anyway. She laughs and shakes her head as the music cues up because it's insane that they're doing this. But her husband _does_ still always get the 'yes', and she finds herself taking the second mic to sing the Elton John/Aretha Franklin duet with him.

"_In this world it's hard, you know. Lovers come and lovers go. People never seem to hold on to what they've got_," Barney begins, grinning and goofing and nudging her till she can't help but be charmed into the full spirt of the thing.

"_Some, they never stay together. But you and I, well, we know better_," they sing together.

Next to the stage, James and his parents stand listening to the performance as Barney belts his solo line, "_We can make it last forever_", and Robin adds hers just on his heels, "_We can keep this love alive_", before they burst into the chorus.

"Never thought I'd see the day," James comments. "My mom and dad, _and_ Barney, all happily married." He shakes his head in wonder. "…..Look at him up there, the little show off." He nods to his younger brother with a look of good-natured mock disgruntlement at being bested, but Barney and Robin are so engrossed in each other James doubts he even saw. "It's not enough for him and his smokin' hot wife to rock the room like _Dancing with the Stars_ champions. Now he has to be in the best singing duo too?"

"But they are cute together," Tom remarks, coming up to his husband with fresh glasses of champagne for them both.

"They're damned _adorable_," James concurs, taking his glass with a smile and turning back to the performance.

"_It's easier to walk away. It takes a lot of love to stay_," Barney and Robin sing together.

"_We've got all the love it takes_," Robin serenades him.

Loretta nods her head in approval. "They _are_ damned adorable…..And they look so happy. I never thought I'd see Barney this happy." Watching as they sing to one another, with her other son by her side reconciled with his husband, and now having found her own happiness too, Loretta is close to tears.

Sam pulls his new wife close, smiling in agreement. "I can always spot the marriages that will last, and that one's going the distance."

Loretta nods. "All three Stinson marriages."

"I'll drink to that," James toasts, and the four of them clink together their flutes of champagne.

* * *

><p>On February 1st, the gang all comes together for their annual Super Bowl party, a tradition they'd had to forfeit the year before since Marshall and Lily were still in Italy at the time. There had been some talk this year of hosting the party at Barney and Robin's place because of their gigantic ultra HD TV, but with the two kids Lily felt it would be easier to have them on home turf with all their toys and belongings on hand, and she'll be able to put them in their own beds as the night progresses. So the party is at the apartment as usual, but now with three new editions to the Super Bowl festivities: Tracy, Daisy, and Legendary.<p>

Lily has one of her gourmet spreads all set up in the kitchen for noshing throughout the night and, a half an hour before kickoff, Ted's just made it back with the famous hot wings and sauce. While he's busy setting it out on the coffee table next to Marshall's usual plate of Gouda, Robin and Tracy are keeping Lily company at the kitchen table where she has Daisy in her highchair finishing up her dinner while they wait for the game to start.

"Marvin really loves Legendary," Tracy laughs as she observes the unfolding scene with Robin and Barney's golden retriever. "It's the cutest thing."

Robin smiles with pride at her furry little guy, because it's true; he is universally adored – and rightfully so.

Lily, however, looks over at Marshall, Marvin, and Barney playing with Legendary and turns a frown on Robin. "Why'd your dog have to be so damned cute? Marvin practically worships him and it's giving Marshall ideas. He says, 'Every little boy needs a dog'. Naturally, I vetoed that on the spot. We've got our hands full as it is without adding a puppy into the mix. Not that there's any more room in this apartment for a dog too, but Marshall won't let it go. I'm afraid this is going to be like Nessie hunting on our honeymoon. Like it or not, sooner or later I'm gonna end up in Scotland!"

"Well, I apologize that his cuteness is too much to take," Robin jokes, walking into the kitchen to grab two beers and a bottled water. "But you know we had to bring him; he's family." Crossing back over to the table, she sets a fresh beer down beside Lily and hands Tracy the water before opening her own bottle and taking a drink.

Ted and Tracy conceived a mere month after their honeymoon, meaning there will be no drinking for Tracy. But she insists the others continue to imbibe in her presence regardless; it doesn't bother her one bit. What does trouble Tracy is the current familial situation – and Robin's last comment unwittingly brings those worries to the forefront.

Shortly after Tracy met Ted and officially became a part of their little gang, as a courtesy to Robin, Ted explained to Tracy about Robin's infertility so she would avoid the traditional newlywed question of "When are you two going to have a baby?". Since then, Tracy and Robin have grown to be quite close friends in their own right. Tracy's become like the third sister of the group – and an even more emotionally sensitive 'sister' than Lily. Thus, it's occurred to her in a way it never did with Lily back when she was pregnant with Marvin to question how this must be impacting Robin.

It was clear to Tracy from the very beginning that Robin are Barney are crazy in love with each other, and that hasn't changed. It's plain to see they're both extremely happy together; she doesn't doubt that for a second. Still, that doesn't mean that on at least some level it isn't bothering Robin. Tracy knows better than most what it's like to deal with loss by burying the emotional pain, and when she looks around the apartment and sees herself with her tiny frame so obviously five months pregnant and then Lily feeding her one year old daughter with her nearly three year old son playing across the room, she can't help wondering if Robin is really and truly okay with it or if she's burying her pain too.

Last weekend, Tracy spoke to Lily privately to ask her thoughts on the matter and the redhead was shamed to tears for not questioning it herself, either in the past or present. With Robin's growing family of nieces and nephews, including the two on Barney's side, both women agreed it _has_ to be something she's thought about. With what degree of pain, they don't know, so they try to be tactful at all times. Tracy in particular has been walking on eggshells ever since she started showing.

"Yes, absolutely," Tracy rushes to support her. "Family comes in all kinds of ways." Wrapping her arm around Robin's narrow waist, she pulls her in for a side hug, awkwardly avoiding any baby bump contact.

Robin finds her reaction a bit odd but assumes she must be talking about the three of them becoming dear girlfriends and how the gang as a whole is like a little family. With a sea of pregnancy hormones raging, such a topic could easily make Tracy teary-eyed – she'd seen less do it for Lily – so she just smiles and hugs Tracy back.

"Speaking of family," Robin speculates to her original bestie, "I take it from your 'our hands are full' comment that you won't be having any more mini Marshalls or Lilys any time soon?"

"_No_," Lily answers definitively. "And my hoo-ha is very grateful for the break! Seriously, that whole region takes a beating like you would not believe when – " Realizing that Tracy is going to be in that very position in a few months' time, Lily cuts off abruptly. "Sorry," she says sheepishly. "I meant to say that childbirth is a magical, beautiful miracle."

"It's alright, Lil," Tracy grins.

"Thank god," Lily sighs with relief. "Cause I really couldn't keep up that lie."

"It hurts like hell and it's disgusting," Robin corroborates, to which Lily nods in unreserved agreement.

"And Robin spent a summer on a fowling farm, so she has plenty of firsthand knowledge."

"Plus I was there when she was in labor with Marvin," Robin reminds them, rubbing her once-bruised knuckles. "I thought my hand would never be the same."

Lily chuckles, reaching for a baby wipe. "It's all worth it the end though," she promises as she cleanses her daughter's hands and face. "You don't doubt that for a second. But still, two is plenty for us. We both have our careers too. It's challenging enough right now juggling work and family and finding even a sliver of time left for each other. I'd hate to think what it would be like if we were outnumbered by our kids."

"They can be a handful," Robin affectionately agrees, quirking her head toward the highchair.

"Yes, _please_," Lily gestures gratefully. "She's all yours."

Leaning down, Robin smiles and coos to Daisy as she retrieves her from the highchair. The little girl loves her Aunt Robin so much she goes eagerly into her arms, tucking her face in against her neck and laying her head on her shoulder to be held even closer. Robin just cuddles her a moment before pulling out a kitchen chair between Tracy and Lily.

Seeing her daughter's sweet, radiant smile as Robin settles her down onto her lap, Lily feels a twinge of guilt that her relief at having someone else take the baby for a change was perhaps a bit too strong. "But even when they _are_ a handful, it's all incredibly rewarding," she clarifies. "I wouldn't trade my kids for anything."

Observing Robin as she lovingly rubs her thumb over the back of Daisy's hand, Tracy shoots Lily a warning look over what she just said. "Babies are hard work, though," Tracy hurries to point out.

Taking the hint, Lily jumps in too. "Um, yeah. Yeah. They're definitely not for everyone. I can't remember the last time I got more than five hours of sleep!" she says a little too manically.

"_Plenty_ of people are happy without them," Tracy adds. But the conversation stalls out into clumsy silence and she looks to Lily for help.

"That's true," Lily endorses, coming up empty beyond that.

Silence falls heavy again and Robin looks back and forth between the two women suspiciously.

Then Tracy's eyes abruptly widen as she remembers that she actually does have something meaningful and relevant to offer as further proof. "Oh! My cousin never had kids and she – "

"Okay, guys," Robin interrupts. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Tracy questions nervously.

"You've both been having little bouts of weirdness for a few weeks now."

"Weird? We're not being weird," Lily denies. "There's no weirdness happening. Not a hint of weird. Is there, Tracy?"

"Alright," Robin sighs, because that answer just settled it. "Where's the poop, Lily?"

"It's not her fault," Tracy quietly interjects. "_I'm_ the one who wondered."

"Well, we both did…." Lily relays.

"You both wondered what?" Robin asks, but the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach tells her she already knows, and she can feel those old defensive walls going up brick-by-brick. She has to resist the urge to turn tail and run, or at the very least seek refuge on the couch beside Barney. But she won't let the feeling win. She's past that now, grown beyond it. Instead she forces herself to stay put, orders her subconscious bricklayers to cease and desist, and just focuses on Daisy – the softness of hair, her sweet baby scent, her tiny rounded fingernails – as the little girl plays with her stuffed doll while Robin's two best girlfriends confess they worry she might be envious and heartbroken over their motherhood and her lack thereof.

Robin tries not to be hurt by it, tries not to feel anything at all. It's a natural question; she can't let herself be offended by it. If their positions were reversed, _she'd_ be worried about the same thing. It comes from a place of love and concern, she knows that. They only want to avoid hurting her feelings so she can't – she _won't_ – let it do just that. "I understand why you might think that, but you don't have to be worried about me. Really. I'm okay. I'm _happy_ for you guys." And she honestly means it.

"You're sure?" Tracy asks.

"I'm positive."

"Are you, though? One hundred percent, no poop, are you _really_? Because as long as we're on the subject," Lily proceeds carefully, "you never did tell me _how_ you found out about your infertility. You told us in Vermont, back on that Valentine's Day trip in 2012," she jogs her memory.

"Oh, I haven't forgotten," Robin assures her. How _could_ she forget that trip and all that happened as a result?

"Well, you said that you'd known for a little while, but something like that doesn't usually just come up at a routine doctor's appointment, and so it got me wondering….Robin, were you maybe thinking about trying to have kids? I know you and Don were pretty serious…."

"_No_," Robin laughs at the very idea. "No, this was long after Don – and kids _never_ entered into that equation. Never would have. I actually didn't find out until right around that Christmas."

Realization dawns and Lily reaches over to rub Robin's arm, aching for what her friend must have gone through. "That's why you were so upset back then."

"Mostly that," Robin nods. "And some other reasons too….." She takes a deep breath before plunging into it all – because she knows Lily; she'll never rest until she gets the full explanation. But maybe this is a good thing. Maybe it will help them believe that she really has come to terms with it. "Remember when I told you that Barney and I had sex again one other time before we got back together?"

"Yes," Lily verifies, "right before he broke up with Nora."

Robin turns to Tracy. "Yep, you heard that right. _Before_ he broke up with Nora. I had a boyfriend too, by the way." Tracy doesn't say anything to that – what can she say? "But just so you know," Robin is careful to add, "I don't believe in cheating."

"Of course you don't," Tracy jumps in soothingly.

"No, I mean, I know everyone _says_ they don't, but I _really_ don't believe in cheating. I grew up seeing my father repeatedly cheat on my mom. I watched it destroy her, and I promised myself I would never do that to someone. But I did. I slept with Barney. I not only cheated on my boyfriend, I cheated with the boyfriend of, well, kind of a friend." Robin looks back to Lily. "_That's_ how I found out."

"Oh god," Lily whispers, putting it all together now. Her eyes turn even more pained than before. "You were pregnant."

"Everything escalated so quickly the night we slept together. It's not something we were planning; it just….happened," Robin tries to explain. "Protection was the last thing we were thinking about. We really weren't thinking at all. So when I was late, and then my period just kept refusing to come, I _knew_ the reason why. And the situation couldn't have been worse. Barney had just broken up with his girlfriend, but I was too afraid to leave Kevin. Barney and I hadn't even talked to each other since the night after we had sex. Things were awkward between us to say the least. And, I mean, this was Barney. I knew how he felt about kids – and I knew how _I_ felt about kids. I simply could _not_ be pregnant. At all. Under any circumstance. And then to be pregnant with one man's baby while dating another? It was a worst-case scenario." She shakes her head, remembering how panicked she'd been.

"But that Thanksgiving when I locked myself in your bathroom," she gestures to Lily, "Barney came to talk to me, and somehow I found the courage to tell him – more like blurted it out that I was pregnant and he was the dad. That much I was certain of; I hadn't been with anyone else. Including Kevin – which made me feel all the more guilty when here I was asking him to wait but then I couldn't stop myself from running out and having sex with Barney."

"I bet Barney _freaked_ when you told him," Lily guesses.

"No," Robin smiles warmly. "His reaction was actually the last thing I expected. Barney was really happy about it. I kept saying that I just couldn't have a baby and he was all about convincing me that I could, that we _should_."

Zeroing in on the 'I just couldn't have a baby' part of it, Tracy delicately probes, "Were you thinking about having an abortion?" She knows if that were the case it likely increased Robin's pain and feelings of self-reproach when she apparently miscarried and then found out about her subsequent infertility.

"All of the available options crossed my mind – and with any other guy I would have already been at the doctor's office asking to have it done," Robin reveals. "But this was _Barney_. I was in love with him, and even though I didn't think we could have a future together, that still made all the difference. Even in absolute turmoil over it, I wouldn't let myself so much as drink a sip of scotch for fear it would hurt our baby. So, no, I wasn't going to have an abortion."

She turns to Lily, explaining, "That's why I was so against your move. I didn't want you all the way out in suburbia while I was unexpectedly pregnant and needed you around to lean on. And that's also why we went with you shopping for Marvin. Barney wanted me to be excited and happy about the pregnancy. He wanted to show me that we could do this together, and how cute our little baby would be. He was even picking out frilly dresses."

Lily's eyes grow big. "Barney _Stinson_?"

"Yes," Robin verifies with a laugh. "Of course he admitted to me later that he was only so excited about it because he thought if I had our baby it would mean we'd end up getting back together. _That's_ what he wanted, not the pregnancy. But even with the hope of that, once he ran into an old friend who was now married with kids, the realities of raising a child caught up with him – at just the same time you were showing me vaginal numbing sprays and cream for cracking nipples. So we both came right back around to not wanting to be parents with a quickness! By the time Barney and I went to my doctor's appointment – "

"Aww, Barney came with you?" Lily interrupts.

"He wanted to be there, and I needed him there to keep _me_ from freaking out. But we didn't have to worry. It turns out I wasn't pregnant. After that, they did some further tests to see why I wasn't getting my period and called me back in a week later out of the blue. And that's how I found out about my fertility issues." Robin bites her lower lip, holding in a heavy sigh at remembering how horrible that day had been. It was like a sucker punch to the gut, agonizing and the very last thing she expected. She looks away, shaking her head. "It's stupid. I mean, I was never even pregnant to begin with, and I didn't _want_ to be pregnant, but…."

"But it was still like you'd lost the baby, especially now knowing there'd never be one," Tracy gently finishes for her.

"Yeah…." Robin quietly admits. "I know it doesn't make any sense – it's a medical issue and that's all – but it felt like a punishment for cheating, or some kind of poetic justice because Barney and I didn't want the baby. We did a victory dance to celebrate the fact that I wasn't pregnant," she wryly informs them. "And now I never will be."

"Robin, I am so sorry," Tracy conveys, wanting to do something more to comfort her but knowing she isn't the touchy-feely type and the best thing she can do is give Robin her space and just be here to listen.

"I hadn't wanted the baby, but if I was pregnant I _was_ going to have it and keep it, and knowing that I couldn't help thinking about what our child would be like," Robin expresses. "I imagined a son and a daughter, little combined versions of us – and of course any son of ours would _have_ to be suited up, just like his dad…..I imagined it all." She trails off and begins absently stroking Daisy's hair to give her hands something to do. "Finding out I could never have those babies perversely only made me imagine them all the more that Christmas; I couldn't stop imagining them," she admits.

Lily places her hand over Robin's in comfort but, while Robin appreciates her caring, sympathy is the last thing she wanted. That wasn't the point of this at all, exactly the opposite. "I'm alright, honestly. That was three years ago. I'm only telling you this now so you'll know it's not like I've been ignoring it all this time. I've dealt with it – all of it, every way you can – and I've come to terms with it."

"That's good, Robin. You shouldn't ignore it," Lily encourages her. "But are you sure you've _completely_ come to terms with it?" The next part is difficult to say. She doesn't want to hurt her, but at the same time it has to be addressed. For her own good, Robin needs to face these things head-on. "I know what you were like when you held Marvin for the first time. And Daisy too….."

"I know," Robin acknowledges. "Marvin was the first baby I _ever_ held, and I won't pretend I didn't think about it when I was rocking him to sleep in his nursery that night. But please don't think that means I'm in denial. Or that we're sublimating with Legendary."

She glances over at the adorable sight her two guys make: Barney on the end of the couch, Legendary settled down on the middle cushion with his head on Barney's lap, and Marvin on Legendary's other side, sandwiched between the dog and his Uncle Ted on the opposite end of the couch, nuzzling Legendary's back as Barney pets his head.

She loves them both dearly. In the way that your pets always are, Legendary _is_ something like their child. But it was their love for animals that made them decide to get a dog. They love Legendary as an _addition_ to their home and family. Neither one of them thinks of him as a substitute for a baby.

"Barney and I, we've talked about this. I confided in him before we got engaged, and we've talked about it a lot more since – before and after we got married."

Lily nods, thinking how good that is. These are the kinds of things that _have_ to be talked about, feelings that _must_ be expressed, between a couple. The fact that they already have demonstrates just how far they've come on the communication front.

"There are things we could do. I've looked into it," Robin reveals to the surprise of both women; this is the first any of them have heard of it. "I went back to the doctor this past fall. Barney came with me; he's been very supportive. He got me an appointment with the best specialist in New York City." But she's quick to explain lest they get the wrong idea, "It's not about him; he doesn't want a baby. But I just – _I_ needed to know, for myself. I needed to have all the facts, and he knew that."

"And?" Lily keenly questions.

"And a baby the natural way is never going to happen. But there are options out there: fertility treatments, in vitro. Nothing's guaranteed. Any step along the way could fail – from egg retrieval, to creating embryos, to the embryos latching on in utero. Even so, successful in vitro fertilization happens every day. But….but there's another complication too. While running the whole gambit of tests, they also discovered I have a septate uterus." Seeing her friends' puzzled looks, Robin confesses, "I didn't know what that was either. Apparently it means there was some kind of problem with the formation of my uterus when _I_ was still in the womb. It makes implantation of an embryo very difficult and, even if it does take, miscarriage is much more likely. I guess there's this surgical procedure that can be done, but Barney and I both felt it would be best for me not to even try to carry a child given the risks."

Robin sees Tracy's face fall, and she smiles in reassurance. "But that's okay. We're okay with it. It's not like I was trying to get pregnant. That's not why I went. I just wanted to be clear on my options – and I have them. I _have_ options. For the first time in three years, I know that now. We could use a surrogate to have our biological baby, and if my equipment still just won't work we could always use an egg donor with Barney's sperm. The point is, what devastated me to begin with was having no control over this, but now I do. I have choices back."

"And there's adoption too," Tracy offers.

"Yeah," Robin agrees, "Barney's niece and nephew are very happily adopted. There are many routes we could take to become parents. _If_ we ever want to be. But, for us, the cons outweigh the pros. It's just not something we have a burning need for. We're good as we are. Honestly." When Lily still looks a touch doubtful, Robin adds, "I really, really do mean it. Look, I'm not going to say I haven't thought about it from time to time. And if there hadn't been these physical complications, if it was just up to chance and one day we discovered I was pregnant then, yeah, that would be different. If I got pregnant by happenstance – or if I'd been pregnant back when we thought I was – we would have absolutely loved our baby. But that's not the way it is."

"I'm sure you would have made great parents," Tracy supportively imparts.

Lily nods in consensus. "I never thought I'd say this about the two of you, but Tracy's right. You're already a fantastic aunt and uncle. You guys would be good parents."

Just as the words leave her mouth, she catches movement from the corner of her eye and turns to see Barney hoist her son up over his head, holding him aloft by a lone foot balanced on one of his hands while Marvin laughs delightedly. But a few seconds later he catches him safely in both arms, handing him back down onto the ground…..where he then picks up his still-capped beer bottle and holds it up by Marvin's mouth as if to pretend the toddler is drinking from it while making "Glug, glug, glug" noises, once again leaving the boy in hysterics.

"Okay, _decent_ parents," Lily revises.

Robin laughs, having delightedly observed her husband's antics too. "Thanks, but pregnancy wasn't in the cards for us. This is our reality, and we both _love_ our life together in it. It seems we're too indifferent about being parents – or I should say too happy with just each other – to want to change that. And I genuinely believe it would have been the same even if I could easily get pregnant. So, guys, I don't want you to for one second think that I ever, _ever_ blame any of you, or hold it against you, or feel badly because you're all starting these lovely families that Barney and I don't have."

"You're each other's family," Tracy concludes.

"You really are," Lily approves.

"And we both have these big personalities," Robin says, still watching Barney goof around on the couch. "We're all the more family we need. Plus there's Loretta and Sam, and Jerry and Cheryl, and Carly, and James and Tom, and even my dad and Carol all nearby. My mom and sister are only a few hours flight away up in Canada too. And if we're ever in the mood to impart our wisdom to the younger generation, Barney's half-brother J.J. is just a teenager, and Elias and Sadie are still young, and you've very kindly supplied a little Eriksen brood for us to spoil. We've got Marvin and Daisy – "

"And the new baby," Tracy avows.

"Yes, and we love them all like our own kids. I promise you, we're happy exactly as we are." The other women nod and Robin can tell that they finally believe her and accept it to be completely true. "Now if you'll excuse me, Barney is just explaining to Marvin the rules on how to properly eat one of our Super Bowl wings." Robin lifts Daisy into her arms, standing up to head for the living room. "You wouldn't want your daughter to miss out on such an important lesson."

The moment Robin comes over, Legendary obediently hops onto the rug, offering her his place, and she and Daisy sit down on the couch next to Barney, who pauses in his theory to lean over and give Robin a kiss, tickling Daisy's belly before he launches back into showing Marvin the proper sauce to wing ratio and the necessary dipping techniques to achieve it.

Lily and Tracy watch from the kitchen and smile to each other, knowing they've made the right decision in the other matter they privately talked about. Robin and Barney may never have children of their own, but the Stinsons are now solely named as the official godparents for Marvin and all the rest of the children – including James and Tom's kids, and the unborn Mosby baby – a tradition that will continue when Ted and Tracy eventually have the second child they already have planned.

* * *

><p>For their first anniversary, Barney made Robin's longtime travel dream come true. So when their second anniversary rolls around, she wants to do the same thing for him. That's how, on May 26, 2015, Barney and Robin touch down in Dubai.<p>

He's wanted to go there for a while now, something he shared with her years ago on Sandy Rivers infamous cruise where they were also trapped with Nora and Kevin all on one small boat. Barney had wanted Robin to run away with him then to start a new life together. Flash-forward a bit and they're two years into doing just that. Destiny is funny that way.

Now here they are at Atlantis, The Palm, a hotel and resort obviously based on the myth of Atlantis, an idea so fanciful and steeped in myth and larger-than-life stories that, naturally, it would capture Barney's imagination and respect.

The trip from the airport to the hotel is something out of a dream. The hotel itself is situated on Palm Jumeirah, a small island – although before they left Ted corrected them to say that "It's actually an artificial archipelago". With its peach colored turrets, the resort's main building rises out of the island's end to tower above the sand like a mirage – or a giant sandcastle in the sand, which Barney wastes no time pointing out or singing the song as they near the hotel. Adding to its fantastical nature, to get there you take an unmanned monorail suspended on a track so thin that when you're on the train it looks like you're merely floating over the water.

Plato's legend of Atlantis says the city was cursed to be submerged for all time as a divine punishment for their greed and decadence, and that's exactly what this resort represents in spades: a mindboggling amount of decadence. That, combined with the ocean theme, makes it all seem surreal. You literally have to see it to believe it.

Everything is over-the-top grandeur, domes and towers and high arches, but with distinct undersea touches to every bit of the interior design – sweeping fish fins built into the pillars that hold up the ceiling, huge multi-colored coral and sea anemone sculptors rising out of the center of the rooms. It's as striking as it is otherworldly. Ted would be in architectural heaven; Barney and Robin quickly make a plan to take plenty of pictures to drive him insane with jealousy when they get back.

There's also a large room called The Lost Chambers which purports to give "underwater insights into how the citizens of Atlantis lived and worked". The entire lagoon itself is filled with relics, artifacts, and various pieces of Atlantis resting at the bottom of the water's depths.

Barney was never much for school. It was too structured and confining. Even in college he was easily bored. However, other than math and writing, the one subject he excelled at was history. What is history except storytelling, after all? And even then he loves to better it, adding his own flair to history, thus the many tales of Barnibus Stinson. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that exploring The Lost Chambers room interests him – Robin figures all the more so because it's pure fantasy, like so many of his own tales.

But that will have to wait for another time because what Barney is even keener to do is show her their suite. He went all out and got them the ultimate resort package, a package which included in-room check-in but after one glance Robin wants to immediately explore the Grand Lobby so Barney opts for front desk check-in, giving her time to look around.

Just past the sitting area – which in itself is so large it reminds Robin of the restored palace they stayed at in Florence – lies an ornate staircase that she follows down to discover, set between rather Roman-looking columns, a massive floor-to-very-high-ceiling window to their outside – which is now _beneath_ the resort's lagoon. The massive wall-to-wall underwater view leaves the entire lower level of the lobby bathed in an ethereal blue glow. The light and shadows it casts on the marble floor sway and dance with the shifting of the sun's beams through the water and the movement of the fish swimming along. The room is so beautiful it nearly takes Robin's breath away as she stands there before the huge glass window, feeling small in the face of such a vast sea.

She can't take her eyes off the water and therefore senses Barney's presence before she sees him. Actually, she catches a faint whiff of his unmistakable scent first, then she can hear the click of his approaching Ferragamos, and finally she spots the reflection of his navy blue suited-up form edging up behind her.

"Barney, this place is epic." She turns to face him, stoked.

"It does have a distinct air of awesomeness," he agrees.

"You know, if I hadn't been a journalist, my next choice would have been a marine biologist," she divulges. "That's why I was so excited to could go snorkeling together in Belize."

"A marine biologist?" Barney considers. He knew she always loved the ocean. She'd shared as much with him – and the Robin Sparkles video, their honeymoon spot, the location of their wedding weekend, her topless bonfires on Argentina's sandy shores, and the many times she drug him to the beach during their first months together nearly six years ago all stood to reason. But he never knew she'd once considered parlaying that love for the beach into a career.

"Yeah, I thought about it," Robin confirms. "I mean, the ocean is fascinating and full of life – from dolphins and whales to the weirdest little deep-sea creatures. It's incredible, this whole other world within ours. I used to watch these documentaries when I was a little girl. Plus, I adore penguins," she shrugs.

"Yes, you do. I have hours' worth of notes on the subject."

Robin screws her face up at him. "But, more importantly, you have confirmation from the source."

"Yeeeah, because that whole emperor penguin thing does _not_ work." Barney shudders, recalling the time last month when he tried it. "Ted was way wrong about that."

"Ted's wrong about a lot of things," she retorts. "Penguins are distracting – but they're not gonna get you a free pass when I catch you watching porn on your iPhone right out in the booth at MacLaren's."

"It was a video the _two of us_ made," he defends, still failing to appreciate what she got so upset about that night.

"Exactly. Anyone walking by could have seen it. The waitress who brought you your scotch definitely got a bird's eye view. Not to mention that you had the sound up to maximum. The entire booth behind you heard it and were craning their necks to see."

"No one's going to recognize your moan but me, babe," he assures her. "Besides, I couldn't help it; you were working late and Lil' Barney refused to settle down….and I'd had maybe a little too much to drink at that point. When you surprised me I was just about to clear out of the booth anyway and take our video into the privacy of the men's room to, ah, 'read a magazine'."

Robin shakes her head. "Only you thought that's what it meant to 'read a magazine' at work. Because only you would consider masturbating at work the norm."

"So do you."

"I do _not_. I'm a consummate professional – even with a monkey as a co-anchor. I have never masturbated at work," she insists.

"Yes, you did," Barney contends.

"When?"

His expression melts from challenging into impishly erotic and he drops his voice low to whisper, "Last summer, when you had to work overnight to cover the World Cup and I called you at 2:30 to tell you how lonely I was in bed without you."

She feels a warm flush spread across her chest remembering that very early morning when she excused herself from the staff meeting to take his call behind her closed office door. "That – that wasn't masturbating…." she ineffectually upholds.

"You touched yourself where and how I asked until you orgasmed."

"But….you did too while I described it."

"Of course I did; it was insanely hot. But so what?" he asks, amused. "What does that prove?"

"_So_, that's not masturbating; that's phone sex."

Barney laughs. "How is that any more professional?"

She hesitates and then decides, "You have to draw the line somewhere. I may have had sex at my place of work more times than I'm proud of – "

"Please," he scoffs giving her a skeptical and tantalizingly dirty look that says he knows her far better than that. "You don't regret a second of it."

"Okay, I don't. But that's neither here nor there," Robin says, hating to lose and consequently bringing it back around to the original bone of contention. "The point is, you were watching our porn at MacLaren's, and penguins were never going to get you out of my being annoyed with you."

Penguins couldn't, but natural Stinson charm could and did. After enduring a five minute lecture, he had her begrudgingly laughing with the first words out of his mouth. Any lingering annoyance was defused by his charisma and flirtation alone, and within the hour they ended up home in bed 69ing. But he's smart enough not to point that out, instead purposefully falling back on the penguin hook. "But penguins _are_ pretty interesting…."

"They really are," Robin nods, engrossed. "And not all of them are arctic, you know. Some live in climates warmer than ours. Galapagos live near the equator, and – "

"Speaking of the arctic and your second choice of career," Barney interjects with a grin before she completely Teds out on the subject, "didn't you once date a marine biologist? A marine biologist who dumped you to go study in the North Pole – and you didn't believe him that it was a real place," he teases.

Her eyes slide embarrassed down to the floor. "I may have compared it to Narnia, Candyland, and getting a promotion to the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts."

"Expelliarmus!" he quotes her, laughing uproariously, and she shoves him playfully.

"That was your fault! The only reason I ever saw those Harry Potter movies is because of you," Robin protests. _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ came out in the middle of their secret summer and Barney insisted she go see it with him – along with spending the entire weekend beforehand watching the other five movies on his ginormous TV in between rounds of sex. She'd once called Harry Potter references 'virgin speak', but there was nothing virginal about the magic-inspired dirty deeds they got up to that weekend. Or since then, for that matter. "Anyway, you're one to talk," she adds. "You took that Robin 101 class from Ted."

"Hey! That fight was long since settled."

"I'm not still mad about it," she smirks. "I'm just saying; if that's not a stupid thing to do, I don't know what is. Barney Stinson taking romance advice from Ted Mosby?"

That was definitely not one of his finer moments. "We all have our off days," Barney pouts, still humiliated that he ever stooped so low as to go to Ted of all people. "And – and it was to please you…..You have a way of making me lose my good sense," he mutters. "Besides, I made up for it that night….."

* * *

><p><strong>October 2009<strong>

* * *

><p>After they flip off Marshall, Barney and Robin decide to escape his barrel obsession by heading back to Barney's place. They could use the privacy anyway. If their fight proves anything it's that their friends are too involved in their relationship.<p>

All in all, it's been a long night, followed by another half an hour's drive through New York City traffic, so once they get to his apartment they both head straight to his bedroom to get undressed.

Robin sits herself down on the edge of the bed, watching with a smile as Barney shrugs out of his suit coat and places it with tender loving care back onto its hanger. He's an absolute nut…..And she loves him like crazy.

"So, let me get this straight," she questions in delight, removing her ballet flats and arranging them neatly beside the bed. "You were really taking advice on my erogenous zones – from _Ted_?"

"I know!" he replies, as flabbergasted as she is. "It was temporary insanity, that's what it was." He shakes his head, beginning to remove his tie.

"I mean….you _were_ there for the last five months of sex, right?" she teases.

Barney stops cold, letting his tie slip from his fingers down onto his desk. "Robin, I assure you, I remember ever second of our last five months of sex. _Vividly_. Every bed, every wall, every floor, every couch, chair, shower, bathroom stall, and any other flat surface. Every sexual position. Every orgasm. Every. last. moan." He gives her a sexy little wink, resuming unbuttoning his shirt as he approaches her on the bed. "I'm well aware of all your _real_ erogenous zones, surprising or otherwise."

"Oh really?" Robin questions with interest, standing up to meet him.

"Mm-hmm," he murmurs, reaching down for her hand. He extends her arm, turning her hand over and bringing it up to his lips. "Like right here," he says, placing a soft kiss to the center of her palm.

Such an innocent kiss; it's just not right the answering tremors she feels inside, the heat already pulsing to her groin.

"And here." He sets his open mouth to the inside of her wrist, letting his warm breath sweep over her before he kisses her skin. As Barney kisses her, he watches her face, catalogues the change in her eyes, and knows he already has her turned on.

"Here." He moves his lips to the inside of her elbow, this time darting his tongue out to lick her. She inhales sharply and he smiles.

"Right here is always good," he whispers, running his mouth over her shoulder as far as her dress will let him.

He brushes her long hair aside along with the gauzy blue fabric of her dress, pushing it down off her shoulder to get at her collarbone. "This is an excellent place to get Lil' Robin going," he says as he touches his mouth to her, leaving train tracks of kisses just below and above her collarbone. Feeling her soft sigh brush across his temple eggs him on all the more.

"This is a favorite spot of yours," Barney expresses, stroking his thumb over the receptive skin where Robin's neck and shoulder meet. When he brushes his lips there, kissing her open-mouthed and hungry, lingering longer here, her arms reach up to hold him. And when he softly bites her, she makes a sound of pleasure, her fingers curling into his shoulders. He knows he's got her going. He could have her right now, but he's only just begun to get her worked up.

"All…along….here, " he murmurs against her skin between the kisses he places up the length of her neck. Stopping at her ear, he plays with her earlobe with his tongue, taking it into his mouth a moment before sucking just beneath her ear.

Robin's hands slide down to his waist in response, slipping beneath his open shirt to tug his hips closer to hers. Barney looks up into her eyes, giving her a heated smile, but he doesn't speed up his thorough exploration. He continues taking it enticingly slow.

"The left underside of your jaw is a hotspot," he reveals, dipping his head back down to her. She cranes her neck to give him better access and he can feel her pulse racing beneath his lips.

From there he kisses his way along her jawline up to the corner of her mouth, provocatively pressing his lips just shy of hers until Robin can take it no more and turns her head to kiss him full-on.

He gives her what she wants – it's what _he_ wants too – and soon they're furiously kissing, her tongue inside his mouth within seconds. Barney is the first to break away and, heaven help her, Robin actually whimpers in protest, bringing her hands up between them to run eager fingers over his chest.

"Lie down and I'll show you the rest of those erogenous zones," he promises. "I'm going to hit all of them tonight."

He doesn't have to offer twice. She already has her dress up and over her head, tossing it onto the chair…..

* * *

><p><strong>Present<strong>

* * *

><p>"Yes, you did," Robin smiles, still able to intensely recall that night even now, nearly six years later. "You made up for it four times over, as I remember."<p>

Barney slips his arm around her waist, drawing her against his side. His eyelids lower, his gaze sweeping over her face in that heated look that means he wants her. By now, she knows that look _well_ – and in an almost Pavlovian response it always instantly gets her wanting him too. "That was nothing compared to what we'll get up to tonight," he tells her suggestively.

"Mmm, let's hurry and get to our room then," she purrs, taking his hand and leading him from the lower lobby back up into the corridor.

Barney titters like a schoolboy on the short walk and elevator ride to their room. He chose it entirely himself. Robin hasn't laid eyes on it even in pictures; he wanted it to be a surprise, one he knows she's going to love.

As is the way with her husband he doesn't do things in halves, so when they're led to the Poseidon Suite, that the bellboy informs them is the best room in the resort, Robin ought to be able to take it in stride by now. Nevertheless, it blows her away.

The suite is ten times bigger than her first apartment in Red Deer, complete with a large living area, dining table, and a separate TV room. From its size and amenities you would think they'd be staying here for months instead of just one week. The suite, or at least portions of it, are indeed underwater and there's a cutout window in the living area to prove as much. Rather than the usual view of New York City she's accustomed to seeing out of their living room window it's now as if they're living in an aquarium. Watching the fish swim by is truly a remarkable sight. But it's the bedroom and bathroom, Barney informs her, that are the real draw.

He shows her to the bathroom and Robin can hardly believe her eyes. Just like the Grand Lobby, it has a floor to ceiling underwater window to the lagoon and its tens of thousands of marine creatures – including an assortment of tropical fish, sting rays, even one or two small sharks. Like the lobby, the vast undersea view fills the bathroom with that same otherworldly blue hue. And right at the center of that window is a round little white marble Jacuzzi tub just big enough for two.

"It's like the freakin'_ Little Mermaid_ in here," Robin gapes. That was the only Disney film she ever got to see as a child; her father deemed them "too girly". But shortly before the divorce, when she was still just nine years old, her mom snuck her out to the theater after her father was asleep for a late-night showing of _The Little Mermaid_. Perhaps that was the catalyst for her love of the ocean and marine life.

Barney chortles, pleased that she's pleased. "You haven't seen anything yet…."

From there he takes her to the bedroom and she just stands in the doorway a moment, stunned.

It's an oblong room, though not so narrow as to be claustrophobic; there's plenty of room for a king-sized bed with enough walking distance left over on either side to allow two people to stand side-by-side. The jaw dropping feature is that the entire room is contained within a clear glass dome forming a half circle around them. There's hardwood floor and matching knee-high tall cabinets lining the clear walls, but on both sides and above them it's nothing but clear blue water and sea life swimming around them. Dancing light and blue shadows bathe the room, adding to the magical effect.

Half the length of the cabinets running along the sides of the dome are topped with blue cushions for guests to sit and look out when not simply lounging in bed to admire the view. The bed itself is situated on the far end of the room with a pair of nightstands on each side made of that same hardwood. Behind the bed, the far back wall is the only traditional opaque wall, and even that has a small rectangular cutout window to view the water.

"Amazing, right?" Barney grins excitedly.

"I've never seen anything like it," Robin expresses in awe, caught up in his enthusiasm.

As if all that weren't enough, they're meet with a bucket of chilled champagne and two glasses waiting for them. Walking over, he pours them each a flute and hands one to her.

"To the awesome that is us," she toasts.

He tips his head in acknowledgment and adds, "To two years of awesome, and many more to come."

"Here, here!" she playfully approves, and they clink their glasses together.

They both take a sip and he gives her an eyebrow-raised look of surprise. Swallowing, she nods her agreement. The champagne is unexpectedly exquisite, even to two diehard scotch drinkers such as themselves.

"Can you believe this?" he laughs delightedly. "We're in _Dubai_, in an underwater hotel, drinking topnotch champagne."

"It's pretty unbelievable," Robin concurs with a smile.

She takes another sip, he follows suit, and they're both quiet a moment, watching as a huge red lionfish floats by, simply enjoying their champagne and each other's company in the romantic, serene setting.

Until Barney breaks the silence, exclaiming suddenly, "We should have sex!"

"I think that's a given," she smirks.

"We should have sex right now," he refines, and Robin sidles up closer to him.

"We should," she seductively agrees, slipping her arm around his neck.

His free hand instinctively moves to her hip – his hands have a mind of their own when she's anywhere in his vicinity – and they both lean in, meeting in the middle for a lengthy kiss. She curls her fingers in his lapel, melting further into the kiss, but things are starting to get a bit too passionate for balancing half-full champagne flutes; she wants both her hands free to touch him.

Robin pulls away, taking his glass from him too, and sets them both down atop one of the cabinets. As soon as she gets back within reaching distance, Barney wraps both arms around her, pulling her fully against him with a sensuous, pleased chuckle. "We're about to go where we've never gone before – having sex underwater," he announces, part pride, part lechery and somehow wholly endearing as he nods in proclamation of the sexual feat they're about to accomplish.

Robin can't help laughing as she reaches up to play with his tie. "I hate to burst your bubble, Barney – nautical pun intended – but we've done that before. We've had sex underwater lots of times."

"Not fully submerged," Barney stresses. "Just our lower halves."

He has a point. They've technically never had sex while fully submerged; they _couldn't_ or they wouldn't be able to breathe – unless it was some kind of weird scuba sex, and she's not about to say that out loud and give him any ideas.

Still clearly pondering the trailblazing nature of what they're onto, Barney's eyes grow huge and bright with excited anticipation. "Even better," he gasps. "We'll have sex _in_ water while _under_water! It'll be the ultimate aquatic sexual experience."

And that's how they end up naked in the Jacuzzi ten minutes later, Robin up on her knees straddling Barney's thighs as the bubbles pulse around them and she moans in pleasure against his lips from the detailed attention his skilled fingers are giving her beneath the water. "I hate myself…." she sighs.

"Why?" he asks in amusement, his voice dropping low in arousal as he continues to stroke her. "I think you're pretty lovable."

She kisses him once sweetly then goes back in again, wanting more, kissing him thoroughly this time before giving an answer. "Because we could have been right here together, doing this, three and a half years ago."

His tender smile makes her heart swell – and she loves him all the more when his eyes dip down to stare at her bare boobs because it's just so very _him_.

"You were worth the wait," he tells her sincerely.

"So were you. But I'm not waiting anymore," she murmurs breathily, sliding down onto him.

Chemistry and sensation take over from there, but a few minutes into their lovemaking Robin glances up and what she sees makes her giggle softly, her hips stilling against his. "Hey, Barney."

"Hmm," he hums, still sucking her neck.

"Look….." She nods her head over his shoulder and he finally looks up, craning his neck to see the spot she indicated where a cluster of fish are stalled seemingly motionless directly outside their window. "The fish are watching us bang," she smirks.

He lets out a filthy snigger. "Yeah, they are!" Oh so proud of his thoroughly awesome wife, he reaches up to high five her – a high five she already anticipated – and their damp hands meet directly above their heads without looking away from their marine audience. "Underwater sex high five!" Barney declares, moving his hand in waves to simulate the water and then thrusting into her to simulate the obvious. "God, I love you."

Giving another throaty giggle, Robin leans down and presses her mouth to his. "I love you too, baby." Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she uses her knees at his hips to edge herself tighter against him. "Now, let's not disappoint all those voyeuristic fish."

"We should _school_ them," he smiles slyly.

"Idiot," she laughs, diving back in to kiss him again.

* * *

><p>That evening they have dinner at Ossiano, the hotel's acclaimed seafood restaurant. The décor is as glamorous and sophisticated as Manhattan's fanciest restaurant and, like their bedroom, the dining room also has enormous floor-to-ceiling windows to the underwater world. Everything is decorated in silver with white accents all the way up to the ceiling that's painted in such a way to look like light refracting off water. Silver chandeliers and sconces with cascades of white crystals dripping down add to the effect. Similarly, the pattern of the floor tiles is made to resemble coral, and the white pillars throughout the room are molded as if they were twisted shells. In fact, the whole restaurant gives off the feeling of dining from inside a seashell sitting on the ocean floor – but a seashell with the most luxurious and refined interior in existence.<p>

Barney and Robin's experience is already off to a great start when they're seated at a table beside the 'window' with a prime view beneath the lagoon. Because of her lobster allergy, Robin has to be careful when it comes to seafood. Her doctor advised her to stick to finned fish and mollusks and avoid all crustacean to be on the safe side, so they chose scallops, Blue Fin sushi rolls, and Sevruga caviar to start out their leisurely, multicourse meal.

"This is too awesome," Barney raves.

"I know what you're gonna say," Robin predicts, because it hasn't escaped her notice either. "We're dinning on seafood while actually _in_ the water."

"The ultimate aquatic gourmet experience after the ultimate aquatic sexual one!" And they raise their glasses in a toast.

For the main dish, Robin has razor clams with black truffles, Barney dines on grilled fish with lemon and shallots, and they preorder dessert to share – a Valrhona chocolate soufflé with Suntory 17yo ice cream drizzled with caramel sauce – because the portions are generous and Robin's long since gotten over sharing anything and everything with Barney.

As they eat and talk, they periodically observe the fish swimming by, commenting on the more interesting looking specimen, and one that bears an uncanny resemblance to Marshall. Barney pulls out his iPhone and snaps a quick shot before it swims away. "It'll be a great addition to Marshall's 'Fish List'," he lampoons with a look of disgust.

Robin has just taken another bite, letting the exquisite taste of the truffles dance on her tongue when Barney nudges her arm. "Look at that dude!" he draws her attention up to the water. "I swear he had a boner."

"Barney, that was a fin. Most fish don't even have a penis."

He gasps in outrage. "Don't say such a thing. Nothing is more horrifying to a dude than threat to his manhood."

Robin rolls her eyes. "I didn't threaten their manhood."

"You suggested he was a eunuch."

"Not a eunuch. They just aren't born with one."

"Robin! They can _hear_ you!"

"Fine," she reasons, with a cunning little smile, enjoying their banter. It's something she's always loved about them; their playfulness and easy repartee comes so naturally. "If they can hear us, then they can see us – and you could be eating that guy's parents."

Barney takes a moment to appreciate her sexy, self-satisfied expression before replying with a shrug, "Maybe I am."

"And you don't feel bad about that at all? But heaven forbid they realize they don't have a penis?"

"Hey, we don't know what their situation is. Maybe that fish and his parents had a strained relationship. Or maybe the parents just got old and died of natural causes before they were filleted and cooked in this exquisite white wine, butter, and herb reduction," he says, taking another bite, his eyebrow raised smugly.

Robin matches him raised eyebrow for raised eyebrow, leaning in across the small table. "Well, maybe it's his wife. That would make him sad. Maybe you're eating his wife."

Fish may not have a penis but he certainly does, and with another one of her triumphant, self-contented looks aimed his way Barney feels it stirring to life inside his N2N briefs. "I don't know about that, but I know I'm gonna be eating _my_ wife tonight," he tells her provocatively.

The toe of her heels skims across his ankle beneath the table. "Your wife thoroughly approves of this plan."

* * *

><p>Later that night, Robin's already waiting propped up against the pillows in bed wearing only a revealing fuchsia negligee when Barney walks out of the bathroom into the candlelit bedroom, also down to just his black briefs.<p>

He'd started mixing up his underwear a bit last year. When they first were together back in 2009 – or, actually, all the way back to that very first time they slept together the year before – Barney was exclusively a boxers guy. But by the time they were intimate again, he'd switched to the more modern and stylish boxer briefs. Robin was a fan of the change.

Now he's begun mixing in even smaller – thus, more revealing – briefs. With her husband's flawlessly tight butt all the more on display, Robin doesn't mind one bit; it's absurdly sexy, as is the distinctive pouch design he prefers for comfort and less restriction but that consequently leaves very little to the imagination.

Barney catches her eyeing him appreciatively and the second he joins her in bed he straightaway has her in his arms. He's bending to kiss her when they're momentarily distracted by the shadow of a large stingray swimming overhead.

"You've gotta admit, even aside from all the adult recreational activities we're about to get into," Robin winks at him, "this bedroom is fairly awesome all on its own." She watches as the fish swims off into the shadows, telling him, "While you were shaving, I was lying here just taking it all in. It's like it's not even real."

Following her lead, Barney rolls from his side onto his back beside her, diverting his attention for a minute from his nearly naked wife to appreciate the ambience around them. "It is breathtaking, isn't it?" he remarks, receiving a hum of agreement.

Something about the combination of candlelit and water and all the wood décor is crazy erotic, turning them on all the more. "It feels like we're on a boat," Barney sets the mood. "We're on a boat….and you're the maiden I've captured." The moment of environmental appreciation is short-lived before arousal wins out and he's reaching for her again.

Robin lets him pull her body against his, but counters, "Maybe I'm a pirate wench and I've captured _you_."

"Oooh, is that what we're playing tonight?" he asks eagerly, into it already.

"Mm-hmm. We could pretend the handcuffs are iron shackles – "

"_If_ we'd been able to get them past customs," he reminds her.

She gives him a sexy smile. "Which is why I have these as backup." She theatrically produces two of his ties from within the bra cups of her lingerie.

Barney smirks at her ingenuity but quips cheekily, "I would've found them first thing, you know."

"Of course I know. Why do you think I put them there? You always go for the bra first; you are definitely a boob man."

He grins lecherously. "Honka-honka," he intones, slowly imitating it with his hands.

"Okay, you never have nor will you ever honka-honka me." He tips his head in concession to that as Robin continues. "I will never understand why men think women would enjoy that."

For him at least, Barney silently muses, it was never about thinking women enjoyed being honka-honka'd. It was _him_ who got off on it and when push came to shove that was his number one focus. Robin was the first partner he cared enough about to put her sexual needs ahead of his own – or to really much consider them at all beyond the mere bragging rights of making a woman come at some point, somehow. But he loves Robin, so with her sex has always been different. He nuzzles, motorboats, and does everything else under the sun to her breasts, but from the beginning he's avoided the honka-honka motion with her because he knows she doesn't like it. Oh to be sure, he'll squeeze and knead her breasts to his heart's content to get his jollies, but it's always in an erotic massage type fondling that makes her melt like putty in his hands and gets her off on it too.

Unaware of his thoughts, Robin shakes her head, still befuddled at the whole honka-honka phenomenon men are obsessed with. "I swear, no guy – not even you – could get me to like that."

His eyes light up with that all too familiar mischievous glow. "Challenge accepted!"

"Barney, that was _not_ a challenge," she whines, seeing the wheels turning in his mind and knowing where this is going. But she has no desire to be a sexual guinea pig in an experiment she already knows she's not going to enjoy.

"No! Come on, Robin," he coaxes. "Let me honka-honka you. Just once? I know you, and I've already thought up a variation I know you're gonna love."

She looks over at his puppy dog, wide-eyed beseeching expression, and she never could resist that. "Fine," she sighs. "_One_ time."

"One time," he swears, crossing his heart. "That's all it'll take."

Sighing again with longsuffering patience, Robin sticks her chest out, presenting her breasts to him for honking. But rather than place them in his hands as she expects him to do, he pulls down one lacy cup to bare her breast to him and bends down, taking her into his mouth.

"Honka…." he murmurs around a mouthful of Robin, completing the squeezing gesture with his lips. ".….honka," he repeats, doing it again. He hears Robin clear her throat, squirming ever so slightly as he pulls back to regard her face. What he sees makes a slow smile spread across his face. "You want me to do it to the other one, don't you?"

She bites her lip but quickly relents, pulling down the other side of her negligee herself. "Would you?"

With a naughty, smug snicker that on him is sexy as hell, he bends to oblige her. The second he's finished, Robin gets up on her knees, shedding her negligee completely and tossing it to the foot of the bed, stripped down to just a pair of lacy boy shorts now. Turning around to face the wall, she starts fastening the end of the first tie to one side of the headboard, ready for some action.

Watching her, Barney can't help a low, husky giggle. "How _legendary_ is it that we get to do stuff like this?"

"I know," Robin agrees, sitting back on her thighs, one knot successfully completed. "Back in Canada, I used to dream of traveling the world to exotic places like this."

"Doesn't every place seem exotic when you're living in Canada?" he gibes.

"Pretty much, yeah," she admits. "But even after moving to New York, I still wanted that. I'd mostly given up on travel after my whole Japan fiasco, though."

"That wasn't a fiasco. You and that monkey were awesome!"

"No," she laughs, "I figured out years ago that I don't want to be a foreign correspondent. I mean, I've always wanted to do serious news – "

"Like you're doing now," he points out, ever proud of his mad successful wife.

"Yeah," Robin agrees, a happy, fulfilled expression illuminating her face. "Exactly like I'm doing now. But, after Japan, I learned the kind of detached nomadic lifestyle foreign correspondents have just isn't for me. Even travel for leisure went by the wayside over the years."

"Why?" he wonders. "You couldn't get the time off work?"

"No, it wasn't that. And it wasn't about the money either; I had the means to travel even without touching my father's money or inheritance. I don't know," she shrugs. "It was just….so lonely before; I didn't enjoy it. But now I get to share it with you. I'm going to all the exotic places I always dreamed of but now we get to do it together." She smiles down at him tenderly. "_That's_ what makes it legendary. Being here with you."

Barney returns her smile, soft and loving. Then she can see the exact second the twinkle of mischief settles in his eyes and she knows he's about to say something flippantly delightful. "I always did tell you guys I'm legendary. It's just, no one ever listens to The Barnacle."

Robin glides into his playfulness easily, loving to spar with him just as much as he does with her. "Uh, millions of people are listening to The Barnacle thanks to Justin and Kyle," she points out. Barney grins proudly, and she can only shake her head with a half laugh/half sigh. "I can't believe that absurd nickname will follow us to our graves."

"And why not?" he reasons. "Barnacles have the largest penis to body size ratio in the world. You should see this thing; she's a beaut."

Not at all surprised to learn her husband has apparently watched barnacle porn, Robin dryly observes, "Right. Because every penis is a girl."

Barney nods straight-faced, pleased that she's remembered. "Like ships and lake monsters."

"Uh-huh," she agrees, assuming that's the end of it.

Then he suddenly continues on animatedly. "We're talking _epically_ long penises to get in there and get it going! So you can see why The Barnacle is an apt name for me."

Smiling, Robin rolls her eyes, shaking her head as she takes hold of his wrist. "Alright, Barnacle, just hold still so I can tie you to this bed."

"Yes, ma'am!" he enthusiastically agrees.

* * *

><p>Come the next afternoon, Barney and Robin, both being thrill seekers with a taste for adventure, can't wait to try out Atlantis's waterpark, Aquaventure.<p>

The park contains towering "ancient monuments" built to look like Mesopotamian Ziggurat pyramid temples which are admittedly cool, but the real attraction is, well, the attractions. There are zip lines, twelve high-tech waterslides – two of which are actually built into the pyramids – and a one and a half mile long river ride that may start out lazy but ends up anything but, with cascades, tidal waves, and rapids.

All ready for waterpark escapades – Barney, in his low-riding white swim trunks with a blue waistband that accents his toned hips, and Robin, in her cute little 1950s inspired blue with white polka dots halter-top string bikini – it takes him all of thirty seconds standing in the heart of the waterpark to declare, "This place is crazy awesome. Crawsome!" His eyes gleam in fervor for his own made-up word.

Robin laughs, but reminds him, "I thought Ted and Marshall already decided that only a waterpark with a wave pool can be deemed truly awesome?"

"Crawesome," Barney corrects her. "That's a step _above_ awesome. And what do Ted and Marshall know?" Robin shrugs. "Exactly. They know nothing."

"And yet _you_ were going to teach Ted how to live…." she teases.

"Worst student ever. Come on," he says, taking her hand excitedly. "We've got to do the Leap of Faith."

The Leap of Faith is the tallest waterslide in the park. It's a fact she knows well since, although their suite was a surprise, they did look at brochures together for the resort and waterpark. But she feigns ignorance and jokes, "I thought we did that two years ago?"

"Technically, we did that six years ago, off your old rooftop," he ripostes, referring to the night they all made a metaphorical as well as physical leap.

"Mm, you're right. Now _that_ was a crazy risk to take. And all just to get to a hot tub…."

"What are you talking about?" Barney replies, drawing her into his arms. "I did it to get to _you_. Don't regret a single second." She hums softly to him, leaning in for a long kiss. "Should we do another Dubai leap of faith?"

"You know it, B-Nasty!" And they high five as they walk to the end of the line to queue up.

As the line makes it way up, and up, and _up_ to the top of the waterslide, Robin notices how Barney's grown quiet and she turns to him with a soft expression. "Scared?" she asks gently.

"Please. I live for this kind of thing." His eyes turn hooded and smoky. "That, and being inside you," he murmurs, setting his hand low on her hip and sliding it down to cup her rear end.

"First you're quiet, and now you're deflecting to sex? You really are scared," Robin concludes in surprise.

"I'm not scared," Barney insists, but she gives him a skeptical look. "I promised never to lie to you," he raises the stakes.

"Fine, you're not scared."

"If you must know, I'm feeling reflective," he reveals, looking slightly self-conscious. "….I'm just happy that this is actually happening, that's all. I really wasn't kidding three years ago; I wanted to come here with you. If you'd only said the word I would've had us on a plane in under an hour….When I cleaned the rose petals off your bed that night, I – I thought that was the end of things. I thought this would never become a reality. But here we are."

Giving him a loving smile, Robin presses her mouth to his in a tender kiss. "I'm happy we're finally here too, Barney." She kisses him again lightly before they're forced to break apart, as it's now their turn to climb the one last narrow staircase to the top. "And I'm glad to hear you're not afraid. Because, after all, this slide does plunge through shark infested waters," she says ominously.

"In a clear tube," Barney scoffs.

"Well yeah," she responds over her shoulder as they climb the stairs. "They're not gonna let vacationers get eaten. So that doesn't impress you at all, huh?" He shrugs. "What about the fact that it's over twenty-seven meters high?"

"Okay, _Canada_. Tell me again in English, please."

Robin rolls her eyes, translating for him. "About ninety feet tall."

"A third of a football field," he considers. "….Interesting."

"That's, like, as tall as an eight story building, Barney," she informs him as they reach the top, her tone clearly indicating it's a big deal.

"Wait a minute." He gives her an examining look. "Are _you_ scared?"

"Pshh. Nooo," Robin giggles. Barney raises an eyebrow at her knowingly. "Alright, maybe a little bit," she relents.

"So Canadians aren't just afraid of the dark; they're afraid of water too?"

"Shut up!"

"That makes no sense when you add up the amount of times we've had sex in water," he ponders. "Incredible, toe-curling, you-screaming-out-in-orgasm sex too. In swimming pools, Jacuzzis, bathtubs, large oceans. How can you be afraid of water?"

"It's not the water. It's the height."

"We live in a skyscraper."

"But we don't go plummeting down the side of it for fun."

"Uh, the Escape From Bitch Mountain by Stinson?" Barney reminds her. Then he gasps, having figured her out. "That's what this is about, isn't it?"

"Can you blame me? I sprained my wrist on impact. But I would've done anything to get out of watching _Woodworth Manor_," she grumbles.

"I thought you loved Escape From Bitch Mountain," he sulks.

"I love that you thought of it," she soothes him, rubbing his chest. "….And, okay, it _was_ exhilarating on the ride down."

"This will be too. I promise. You're gonna love it."

When it's their turn to go next, Barney ushers Robin ahead of him as usual – Loretta may not have always been the best mother when Barney was young but she did successfully instill a 'ladies go first' mentality in him. But this time Robin declines, telling Barney she wants _him_ to go first, and he just smiles gently. "You know, you don't _have_ to do this."

"It's not that. I'm not nervous anymore, really. But you've been so excited for this; I want to watch you go down." She sees his expression – about to burst, his mouth already open, words waiting on his tongue – and tells him, "Go ahead."

"That's what you were saying last night!" he brags.

"Mm-hmm, very funny," she nods, pushing him towards the flume. "Now take all that bravado down the slide."

He does, and his reaction doesn't disappointment. His echoed laughter and thrilled "Ha-ha!" can be heard all the way down.

Once he lands in the thigh-high water below, he hurries to face the slide's bottom to catch a glimpse of Robin's decent from down here. Her initial little scream as she starts down instantly turns to a giggle and then a shout of, "This is awesome!"

"That's my wife!" Barney proclaims proudly to anyone nearby as she comes splashing out into the water ahead of him. "That's my wife! That's my – "

His words cut off when Robin stands up.

The force of the waterslide must have worked the knotted string of her halter-top undone, causing the cups to fall forward and leave Robin's breasts exposed. What's worse is that the band is still fastened by the hook closure in the back so in the instant she puts her feet beneath her to stand up, still reeling from the slide, she doesn't even realize that the front of her bikini has fallen down.

"Robin! Robin! Your – " Barney gestures in front of his own chest. "_Robin_!" He rushes to her as fast as he can through the water.

With a gasp, Robin realizes the problem at just the second he gets to her and she reaches to pull up her bikini right as Barney takes the direct approach, covering her breasts with his hands. For all his big talk in the past about threesomes and strippers and nude beaches, this is _Robin_ – his Robin – and he's scandalized at the thought that someone else will see her.

His eyes dart about frantically and he spots a little alcove they can use for cover at the base of the pyramid. It's some kind of circular carved monument about twelve feet tall with a hollow ring of etched Atlantean symbols forming its roof. Submerged jets make water bubble up mysteriously in the middle, and six wide stone pillars hold it up, complete with six large carved seahorses that double as fountains, spewing water from their mouths. Barney's not sure what it's supposed to be, probably for ambiance more than anything else, but it'll provide just the privacy they need to right Robin's bikini top without giving anyone else a further show.

He leads her behind one of the pillars and she really has no choice but to follow as he's still holding on to her. Blocked by the wide stone and the protective shadows, and now away from prying eyes, Barney lets his hands fall away from her.

Together, they start lifting the fabric of her bikini back into place….But now that they're in a more intimate setting with only him to see her, Barney begins to really appreciate the fact that his wife is standing there topless in front of him.

Robin can see the change from panic to pleasure overtaking his eyes and expression, and the mood instantly shifts. After admiring her for a moment, Barney lets go of the damp fabric of her swimsuit top to palm both her breasts again – only this time not to cover her but with a sensuous, erogenous touch.

He hears her softly shuttered sigh, but it's followed by the whispered warning, "Barney….we're in public."

His voice drops low like liquid silk. "No one can see us," he cajoles, smiling suggestively.

The corners of Robin's mouth quirk upwards. "You're insane."

"You love me…." Barney replies, his eyes holding hers spellbound, watching her every reaction as his thumbs rub circles over her. Leaning down, he stops when his mouth is a mere inch from hers. "You love the danger."

A tiny little whimper escapes her and then she arches her back, pushing herself forward and further into his hands. "Shut up and kiss me," she murmurs, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his mouth down to hers.

The Mesopotamians believed their pyramid temples connected heaven and earth – or so says the hotel guide they watched on their TV this morning – and it sure feels true to Robin standing at the base of this Mesopotamian pyramid, her bare back pressed up against the cool stone pillar while Barney caresses her, his tongue swirling over hers, hot like the best kind of fire in her mouth.

But it all comes to a screeching halt a few minutes later when an old British woman on holiday catches them making out with heavy petting – and Robin still topless – in a public area of the waterpark. Luckily, it was her who found and stopped them, not a traumatized child or an employee of the hotel who may have banned them from the park.

Knowing they have to get ahold of themselves, Barney really does help Robin back into her top while they apologize awkwardly to the woman. But the moment they're beyond her earshot they look at each other and start laughing hysterically.

Forgoing the rest of the attractions, Robin lets him take her back to their room to finish what they started – a very uncomfortable walk for him but well worth the payoff once they're behind closed doors.

Barney's leery of all other slides after that. But they're only on day one of an eight day vacation and have hardly scratched the surface of the waterpark. So, the next day, Robin manages to convince him to return to Aquaventure anyway – but this time with her safely covered in a one piece.

The rest of their vacation is spent enjoying the island resort and each other, because the whole underwater theme continues to be romantic and provide a steady stream of nautical sexual roleplaying to keep them occupied.

Their hotel has an enormous swimming pool as well as its own private beach overlooking the Dubai skyline, and Robin and Barney spend a few afternoons there just wiling away the hours drinking, sunning themselves, and now and then hitting the water….where they can occasionally get a little frisky – but nothing like on their honeymoon; this is a bustling resort after all, not private bungalows.

Another day, they visit the Avenues, Atlantis The Palm's answer to an American style shopping mall, and get discreetly asked to leave Tiffany's after security catches them in a spirited competition of touching a bunch of stuff.

In the evenings, they hit the town so to speak. Their resort has over twenty restaurants on its grounds alone, meaning there's no shortage of elegant dinners. It gives them the perfect excuse each night to dress up to the nines and go out together, making passerby's mouths water at what an incredibly sexy couple they make.

Midway through their vacation they visit Dolphin Bay, the eleven acre dolphinarium on the other side of the waterpark. They both enjoyed snorkeling on their honeymoon so much that Barney pre-booked them an appointment later that afternoon to swim with dolphins this time.

While they're at the aquarium waiting for their scheduled time, they decide to check out its 7D cinema. They'd both heard of 5D attractions at theme parks, basically a short 3D film – usually of something scary or adventurous – that's combined with computerized seats that move in time to the action, along with a variety of physical effects like feeling wind rushing past you, rain hitting you, actual bubbles underwater, and so on. They soon discover firsthand that apparently 7D cinema takes all of that and combines it with the laser-tag-like aspect of giving "riders" interactive guns to shoot things on the screen. It was marketed towards families with kids, but just like at Barney's favorite laser tag arena back home they don't let the fact that they're the only adults there without kids stop them from having fun.

Later, on the way to their appointment at the dolphin pool and still riding the high of 7D laser tag, Barney claps his hands loudly, rubbing them together in glee. "This is gonna be aweee-some!"

"Why?" Robin laughs. "Because you once got laid by squeaking like a dolphin?"

He stops abruptly, swiveling on his heel to give her a deadpan look. "You know very well I was only collecting numbers that night. No actual 'getting laid' was taking place. "Besides," Barney goes on, continuing to walk again, "how _could_ I get laid when you sabotaged my chances with that girl anyway?" That earns him a playful shove from his wife and he laughs heartily in return; it was just the sort of reaction he was hoping for. "No, if you recall I easily let you take my phone away. I didn't even put up a fight."

"That's cause you know I'd take you."

"You could," he freely admits. "But the truth is, playing around with you was a lot more fun than actually having sex with her would've been."

Robin smiles at that. "Spoken like a man who's finally accepted Lily's adage: happy wife equals happy life."

"Maybe, but it's also the truth. I didn't want her; I wanted you."

That turns Robin's smile into a full-out grin and she links her arm through his. "So what's with all the dolphin love then?"

"Simple. I have an affinity for any creature as horny as dolphins are. Do you know they have a history of humping human women? Fish's gotta have it!" he smirks, impressed. "One bro will even take it in the blowhole for another bro when he needs it badly. Can you believe that?"

"That's why I married you. For lovely little anecdotes like that one."

Barney clinks his tongue, winking at her. "You know it."

"Just remember, _I'm_ getting in the water with them. Me, a human woman. So let's hope these dolphins aren't feeling horny today."

He tugs her in close against him, his hand traveling down her thigh. "I'll protect you, baby," he tells her in his manliest inflection, chest puffed out for good measure.

"Uh-huh." Robin shoots him a doubtful look. "The last time you said that was in the ice room of the Farhampton Inn – right before you threw me at James and said, 'Take her'. We both know _I'm_ far more likely to be the one protecting _you_."

"And that's why I love you," he retorts, pulling her into a hug.

* * *

><p>The next day, they agree to be even more adventurous and take submarine piloting lessons through the lagoon in the resort's three-passenger submersible. Barney, Robin, and their instructor climb in to sit in a clear plastic bubble atop an array of motors, robotic fins, and moving arms.<p>

It looks like something straight out of _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea_ but it's cool to see the water and all the marine life from this perspective, and even more cool to be driving the thing themselves. And it's bright yellow, so Ted and Tracy would wholeheartedly approve.

The day after that, Barney and Robin take full advantage of the resort's spa. Hours fly by with seaweed wraps, rejuvenating steam, and therapeutic skin treatments until every last ounce of stress they didn't even know they still carried from two high-powered careers in New York City melts away.

They also indulge in side-by-side mani-pedis, because even years later Barney still believes in the weekly practice to avoid becoming Wolverine.

Then they finish it all off with a couple's massage – something they first tried on their honeymoon but will never, ever admit to Marshall and Lily is actually pretty great. They're also smart enough to schedule the message in the privacy of their room, which allows them to slink into bed afterwards completely relaxed.

They stay there the rest of the night, ordering in dinner – and, for later, a jar of Nutella along a can of whipped cream they set on the nightstand beside another of Barney's ties to be used as a makeshift blindfold…..

On the final afternoon of their visit, they opt to go back to the waterpark one last time. They get a late start of it, having lingered in bed till noon, and then Barney gets a call that there's some kind of GNB mini-emergency he has to tend to.

So while he's busy on a conference call, Robin sits out on the beach _actually_ flipping through a magazine, not a euphemism.

By the time they make it to Aquaventure it's already early evening, and the sun is just beginning to set when they hit up their one last water attraction – it's the one they've been waiting for: the shark tunnel.

It starts out as a lazy river of sorts, peacefully bobbing on inner tubes through a narrow canal. Some of it is outside and some weaves inside through 'caves' and mini pyramids, but the real highlight is on the other side of the small plunge: the section where you float across a clear glass tunnel underwater through the shark tank.

The Leap of Faith waterslide promised to briefly going through the shark tank too, but the drop was so disorienting and happened so fast that neither one of them noticed a single shark or even the clear chute they were sliding through. And even that was overshadowed by the incident with Robin's top. So they saved the shark tunnel for last, and both of them have been looking forward to it.

It's fairly deserted at this time and the waterpark is about to close, with most of the vacationers getting ready for dinner or napping before nighttime mischief begins, so there's no one in line ahead of them at the shark tunnel attraction. In fact, it seems like they have the whole place to themselves as Barney and Robin each grab a yellow inner tube from the shallow waterway and hop on.

When they finally go down the short little slide that leads into the shark tunnel, it definitely lives up to all the hype. They started out floating side-by-side, but the tunnel through the shark tank narrows considerably and Barney's inner tube ends up floating just ahead of Robin's. Everything is darker inside the tunnel – made even more so by the setting sun offering only minimal light filtering through the water – and large, menacing great whites and tiger sharks can be seen swimming past them above, below, and on all sides.

"This is so cool," Barney utters in awe.

"Yeah," Robin nods, watching what surely must be the son of Jaws glide overhead. "If I had to be a fish, I'd be a predator just like that. None of this wussy dolphin crap."

"YES!" he heartily approves. The same shark goes swimming past the side of the tunnel now, its mouth slightly open, and Barney gasps. "Look at those teeth! Robin, you and I, we'd _own_ the ocean."

"We'd be two badass sharks," she muses, her eyes glazing slightly as she vividly imagines it. "Biting into the flesh of the nearest seal…."

"Holding it down while it fights for life," they continue together, "until it takes that final breath and struggles no more, and then we feast on our glorious prize." They look at one another, once again having thought the exact same thing at the exact same time, finishing each other's sentence. "_Awww_," they both coo.

"Ha-ha," Barney grins contentedly. "Together we'd rule the waters by day – "

"And do nothing but fish-bang each other by night," Robin finishes salaciously.

He hums in agreement. "We'd be so _hot_ as sharks." It gets him thinking; she's more right than she realizes. "Do you know how sharks do it?"

"The same way people do," she motions. "Only their penis is attached to their fin."

"Look at you, Miss Marine Biologist," he says, impressed.

"And they have two of them. Penises, I mean. Or is it penii? Either way, they've got two."

"_Two_ penises," Barney enthuses. "Now that's the dream. Just think of all the new positions I could come up with – and we could do multiple sex acts at once!"

"Dude, I cannot even imagine Barney Stinson with two penises and twice as horny."

"You'd keep up with me," is his suggestive reply, and he gives her a wink. "Anyway, you'd _looove_ shark sex."

Robin laughs at that. "What do you know about shark sex?"

"I know about every kind of sex there is."

"Seems about right."

"Male sharks bite the female to hold her in place for copulation," Barney informs her with a waggle of his eyebrow. "Nothing to seriously hurt her, just some kinky love bites."

"Hmm, like a shark hickey…..teeth scraping against your neck during sex," Robin considers with interest, and he can tell by her tone and the pickup in her breathing that she's into it. "You're right, I do like that," she confirms, running her foot up his calf tantalizingly.

Anytime Robin starts getting even mildly sexual with him, his body responds to her immediately, as instinctive and involuntary as breathing. Now he's as turned on as she is and he flirts back, his voice deep and seducing. "Sharks love it rough – just like you do."

Her body vibrates at the thought and she moans softly. Her foot playing over his creeps ever higher up his leg. "We haven't done rough in a while, too long."

"Last night we – "

"Not frantic and fast, but _rough_…..just primal and raw, going at each other hard like animals." Merely picturing it sends a shiver down her spine. "Biting would be good too…." She feels her blood further heating up, a steady stream slowly pulsing in her groin. "Yep, I could definitely go for some shark sex. When we get back to our room, it is _so_ on."

Barney abruptly puts his feet down, stopping himself and reaching out to stop her inner tube too, halting their progress midway through the tunnel.

"What?" she asks, in confusion.

He points down under his inner tube. Her eyes go there and in the dim light she can see the outline of his hard-on tenting out his blue swim trunks. "I've got a rager here, Robin. Good god! You can't say things like that and not expect to…." He points down again, grinning. "….get a rise out of me." He winks again.

"You wanna do it _here_?" Robin laughs, shocked even for them.

"You've got me all going now….Forget the embarrassment, I don't even think I _could_ physically walk back to our room like this."

"Yeah but, Barney, this isn't MacLaren's back home. This may be a resort tailored to foreigners but you still have to be careful in Dubai. There are strict rules in this part of the world. Do you want to get Lil' Barney chopped off?"

"They don't do that," he answers doubtfully. "They're more likely to punish the woman, anyway. Although we _are_ married, so that might make a difference," he considers.

"I don't want anything of _mine_ chopped off!" Robin protests.

"You know I always know a guy," Barney downplays, blasé. "I'd never let anyone do anything to you. You're my wife and I love you. Besides, I adore and have future plans for each and every one of your body parts."

She smiles, shaking her head. "You're an idiot."

"I'm _your_ idiot." That means he's an all-out Dobler to her and she finds his gestures always charming, never alarming – a fact he's about to take full advantage of. With an appealingly naughty smile, he flips his inner tube up over his head so that he's now standing free besides hers in the warm, knee-deep water.

"Barney, you're really serious about this?"

He just moves even closer.

"Come on, this is crazy…." she adds, breathlessly.

Barney still doesn't say a word, but reaches up and pulls her by her ankle down into the water with him. Her yelp is instantly silenced when his hands catch her waist and he backs her up against the side of tunnel. Robin watches his pupils dilate at the full body contact and feels her own body tighten up in all the good places.

"We both know you want to," he whispers.

It all happens quickly after that. They reach for each other simultaneously, feverishly kissing, and there's no stopping it from there. The familiar rush engulfs her, taking her over with heated passion – fiery lust flooding through her, dark and swirling and impossible to resist, too good to ever want to. That's how it's forever been with Barney.

All of her adult life, Robin had protective walls up to prevent any further pain. She was always restrained, emotionally untouchable, the one with all the power now, never to be hurt again.

That's what made Barney such a threat. He makes her utterly lose control, sexually and emotionally.

Eventually, after years of fighting it, and countless mistakes, and more pain than she wished she would have ever needlessly put herself through, she finally learned that all-consuming feeling isn't something to fear or run from. It's something _remarkable_. It's once in a lifetime, something to freely let go and give herself over to. There's nothing in this world quite like surrendering with Barney and just letting herself feel, giving over to complete abandon in his arms.

And that's what she does now; pulls him in against her, lets him fondle her – more like actually puts his hand on her breast – surrenders to it, _savors_ it while he works over her body, expertly gets it humming and begging for his so that when he pushes aside the material of her swimsuit bottom she's more than ready for him.

That's how they end up making love partially submerged against the glass wall inside a shark tank in Dubai – something that's going to make a truly legendary story when they get back home, but right now the only thing on their minds is each other and how incredible this feels.

Robin wants hard and rough and primal so Barney gives it to her, but they have to be especially quiet because of the tunnel and the way all sounds amplify and carry. The need to be nearly silent when they're getting so down and dirty and raw and wild makes it that much hotter.

People always say that most women don't come during a quickie, but Robin thanks her lucky stars she isn't like most women as she bites onto Barney's shoulder to keep from crying out while her climax slams through her, sending him along on his.

Still panting, they hurry to fix their swimsuits and make it back onto their inner tubes just in time to see someone else enter the tunnel behind them.

With a shared, secret smile, Barney takes Robin's hand in his as they float on through the lazy river. "No one else has a life like us," he sighs happily, and his wife quite agrees.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> I think it's important to note that the breakup scene that aired in the AUE was never intended to be about Robin and _Barney_ as a couple. It was written in 2006, long before they got together and without any plans in Carter Bays' mind of _ever_ having them be a couple, let alone get married. That scene was written for Robin and _Ted_ as their breakup, which is why it has so many similarities to the Ted and Robin breakup scene that actually did air in Season 2, right down to the Argentina setting (because remember how they discussed going to Argentina together? Well, when Bays wrote that AUE in the beginning of Season 2 that was the plan) and Ted being unhappy about traveling with her. So, since that scene wasn't even about their characters, of course it was never going to make sense for Robin and Barney (though it makes a whole lot of sense for a Season 2 Robin and Ted as she was still all about travel at that point, Ted _would_ actually be miserable traveling around with her, and following their breakup at that point in the series I could _potentially_ see Robin going on to be a foreign correspondent and becoming estranged from all of them for the next 20+ years – although killing off the Mother and having Robin go back to Ted still makes no sense and never will).

That being said, I nevertheless wanted to show how ridiculous that concept would be for _Barney_ and Robin, because if _they_ were to go traveling places together it wouldn't be some bone of contention but an awesome opportunity to fully enjoy themselves. There is no way Barney would just sit around a hotel writing his blog anyway. He'd be off having awesome adventures in foreign lands (he even writes of awesome travel adventures in his real blog before he even got together with Robin). He's BARNEY freakin' STINSON! He licked the Liberty Bell! He thinks every night should be legendary! Without a doubt, he is going to find something to do – and absolutely LOVE it. Whenever I write the two of them traveling in any context I always want to show a glimpse of those possibilities. Just look at the two of them in "Natural History" or "Murtaugh". They're each other's favorite playmates and come alive when they're together. They're going to go out and have fun adventures together – even if they have to make them up themselves – no matter where they're plunked down on this earth. That's been their vibe from Season 1. For anyone to have missed that means they completely missed the mark on the characters and the entire story. I just had to put that out there. End of rant.

FYI: Atlantis, The Palm and Aquaventure are both real places, as are the rooms, restaurants, attractions, etc. I described with only a very few little fictionalized tweaks. If you've got the time, Google it to see some pictures. It's an amazing place and you may even spot some of the very images I described and places where these scenes happen!

This was a tremendously long update and I'm still taking turns between my two stories so I'll be updating "A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings" before finishing the next installment of this one, which explains the hiatus this will experience (but in the meantime, I'd love it if you'd check out the other story. It's an AU, but I'm having lots of fun with it!).


	78. 2015 (Part Two)

**AN**: While the show never gives Barney's birthday, I do realize that in "The Drunk Train" there's a throwaway line saying Barney is a Scorpio; however, I reject this. First, that episode is so bad in and of itself that I scarcely consider it canon anyway, but I have more concrete reasons too. As big as Barney is on celebrations and adventures and all things concerning his legendary-ness, I do not buy that this man has a birthday in November – right in the prime of each season's air time and in sweeps no less – yet we've never seen a single storyline dedicated to it or even really mentioning it. But we have been treated to multiple episodes of Lily's and Ted's birthdays? Just, no. Plus they do show one quick cutaway flashback of Barney's past birthday celebration in "Say Cheese" and it appears to be in the spring/summer based on the attire of the gang as well as the other patrons of MacLaren's (sleeveless shirts, no coats, etc.). So I think it makes far more sense that Barney's birthday is during the hiatus months of the show, which explains why we never see episodes featuring it. (We never see Marshall's or Robin's birthday either, but they come right out and say hers is in the summer, and I assume Marshall's is too.) With all that in mind, it's always been my head canon that Barney's birthday is around the same time as Neil's birthday, just because.

Also, as a trigger warning, this chapter contains a scene of man-on-woman roleplaying of "prisoner" bondage that may veer a bit into M territory.

* * *

><p>On the afternoon of June 3, 2015 at 4:53 p.m., Ted and Tracy's first child is born.<p>

Ted comes out of the delivery room to gleefully announce as much, along with the knowledge that mother and baby are doing fine, before rushing back in to his family. Another hour and a half after that, when everyone's cleaned up and things are more settled, the gang is invited into the room to meet their latest member.

With strollers and a diaper bag and their own two kids to wrangle from the waiting area, Marshall and Lily lag a bit behind, making the Stinsons the first two to lay eyes on the newest little Mosby.

When they walk into the room, Barney's arm around Robin's waist, Tracy looks up at her two friends and immediately invites them in. Lying propped up in bed holding her daughter, she frankly looks a little worse for wear – as can be expected after a ten hour labor – but a smile positively glows on her face.

They spy Ted across the room arranging the assortment of balloons, gifts, and the little newborn tub, but when he hears them walk in a grin lights up his face too like they've never seen before. "Guys, meet the lovely Miss Penny Mosby," he announces, every inch the proud papa.

Upon approaching the bed to get a closer look, Robin and Barney discover it isn't just overzealous parental bragging either; their new little niece really is gorgeous. Reaching out, Robin softly strokes the baby's cheek and Penny blinks wide, hazel eyes up at her. "Oh, she's beautiful," Robin coos, sitting down on the bed beside Tracy.

"She is, isn't she?" Tracy dotes. "I can't stop looking at her. Isn't she the most perfect little baby you've ever seen?" Tracy's cheek color realizing how she must sound, and remembering too that Lily and Marshall are on their way in with their own two perfect children. "But I know that's what all moms say," she hurriedly affixes, and she laughs giddily, nestling her little bundle just a wee bit closer. "Can you believe I'm one of them? I'm a mom. I'm somebody's _mom_ now."

"Yes, you are," Robin smiles.

"And a damn good one," Barney adds. "That was a long ten hours."

Robin shudders in agreement and sets her hand over Tracy's. "How are you doing?"

"Tired. But happy," she sighs in reply.

"Do you mind if I hold her?" Robin asks. "I know you haven't had that much time with her yourself."

"Of course you can," Tracy readily consents. "We had our first hour of skin-to-skin bonding, and our first feeding. And she'll have the next eighteen years to be thoroughly sick of me. I can tell she's dying to meet her cool Aunt Robin."

Barney smiles at that and moves to give the two women a bit more room to make the exchange, walking around to the end of bed to stand beside Ted.

"Oh, look at you," Tracy beams, feeling warm and content watching one of her dearest girlfriends expertly snuggle her daughter in her arms. "And I heard it took you nine months to hold Marvin."

"Well, I'm an old pro now," Robin replies, sweeping her hand gently over the baby's head of dark brown curls. "Hi there, Penny," she sweetly murmurs as her goddaughter looks up at her surprisingly inquisitively for only being roughly two hours old; she must get that from her father. "Aren't you a sweetheart? You look just like your mommy, you know."

"You think so?" Tracy wonders happily.

"Oh yeah. She's like your little Mini-Me."

Across the room, Barney and Ted quietly take in the unfolding scene until Barney nudges him, smirking. "She wouldn't let you name her Leia, huh?"

Ted nods acceptingly. "She thought two names from _Star Wars_ was a bit on the nose, and I'm still holding out for Luke for a future son."

"So the name Penny was Tracy's idea?"

"Actually, it was mine. Remember all those years ago when you ran the marathon and got stuck on the subway?"

"Remember?" Barney recoils. "That was one of the most harrowing moments of my life."

"And remember how it all traced back to me finding that old penny on the street?" Ted explains. "If I hadn't picked it up I would have made that plane to Chicago. I could have ended up relocating there. I might have never met Tracy. Everything could have been different…..That was a lucky penny," he says, emotion choking his voice as he looks over at his baby girl. "It seemed like a fitting name."

Barney clasps his hand to Ted's shoulder. "I'm happy for you, bro. You did it. It may have taken you awhile, but you got everything you ever wanted."

"Yes, I did," Ted whispers in awe.

"We _both_ did." Barney nods over to Robin meaningfully, catching her eye for half a second with a smile before she looks back down to the baby.

"That's true." It's moments like this that Ted just has to laugh at the way he used to be. "Sometimes I can't believe how _stupid_ I was. How silly. How impatient…." He can only shake his head at Past Ted, knowing how perfectly it's all worked out. "I should've seen all along she was always meant to be Aunt Robin."

"True. But if you had, then she might not be my wife right now," Barney muses. "That really was one lucky penny."

* * *

><p>The next weeks fly by and then it's the 15th, Barney's birthday. And a very monumental one at that. Today he is forty years old.<p>

While Barney is no Lily, he does enjoy being celebrated, and his birthday is certainly an opportune time to do it. However, on this milestone year, Barney has been insistent that he doesn't want any kind of huge surprise party – and definitely nothing "Over the Hill" themed. Still, the gang has a little get together planned for this weekend out in Westchester, where the Mosbys have remained housebound with their nearly two week old daughter. Until then, Barney and Robin are on their own to celebrate. They both have to go in to work like any ordinary weekday, but there will be a small family dinner tonight with his mom, Sam, James, Tom, and the kids.

Barney seems in good spirits about it all, but Robin knows her husband. They're both so alike, and for two people who've spent much of their lives setting their self-worth based upon their appearances, this whole getting older thing isn't always easy. Of course Barney is still very much in his prime. Age really is just a number at this point, but Robin knows it will be weighing on his mind.

And she knows just how to pamper him and set that mind at ease – by waking him up in his _very_ favorite way...

As he slowly comes to consciousness, the first thing Barney is aware of is her scent, then the feel of her body against him, her soft lips pressing kisses to his neck, her bare skin grazing his, her nipples brushing over his chest. With a decadent smile, he peers open still-sleepy eyes to see Robin naked and half atop him, the sheet at her waist.

"Good morning," she seductively purrs, sliding further down his body to take his nipple into her mouth.

His arms come up around, his hands tracing all the soft skin he can reach as sleepiness pleasantly fades to blank arousal. "You are so damn awesome," he tells her while she lazily sucks his nipple.

The hum of her laughter as she continues to draw on him with her tongue is a tantalizing sensation. Then she's kissing down his chest and stomach, pulling his skin into her mouth, taking it between her teeth in enticingly little bites as she reaches down and strokes him through his pants. Last night, they'd fooled around in the Jacuzzi before dressing for bed. Clearly she already availed herself of her pajamas before he woke up. But while he sleeps shirtless, he's still confined in his pajama bottoms.

Robin takes a moment to nibble her way down the muscle ridge that forms the deep V in his lower abdomen, following it with her lips to where it disappears into the waistband of his pants – and she slips her fingers beneath, tugging the waist down and freeing Lil' Barney. He raises his hips to help her and she makes quick work of pushing his pants over his strong thighs and the rest of the way down his legs. Then they're both naked, Robin surveying what she's unveiled with hungry eyes before making a point of looking up and meeting his. Holding his gaze alluringly, she smiles up at him like the cat that got the cream and then bends her lips to him to do exactly that.

Barney's eye fall closed, his face twisting in pleasure, and the fleeting thought passes through his mind wondering how he ever got so lucky as to have this beautiful, amazing wife who wakes him up with oral on his birthday – and who is this great with her mouth. Long have he and Ted debated _the_ dream, but the debate ends here because Robin is certainly it.

He lays back and enjoys it as long as he can stand, her hair like silk beneath his fingers, the warm, moist heat of her mouth like heaven. Despite his onetime porn fascination, with Robin, he generally prefers to finish inside of her. It feels more intimate and connected in a way he used to never think he'd enjoy. But this morning what she's doing right now feels too damn good to stop, and he's perfectly pleased to take it all the way to completion. Except he assumes that for her this is just foreplay she believes will lead to actual intercourse – and in about thirty seconds it's going to be too late for that this time around.

"Robin…." His fingers stiffen at the nape of her neck as he apologetically warns, "_Robin_, I'm gonna – "

"I know. I want you to," she tells him, not stopping until he's whimpering out a finish, his breath coming in spent gasps. "Happy birthday," she whispers, easing back up his body to rest her head against his chest.

"It is now," he pants, his heart still beating erratically beneath her ear.

Afterwards, he keeps saying he's fine with this birthday. He's still got it, so no big deal. "Forty is the new thirty, and fifty is the new forty – for men at least," Barney adds, which earns him a light punch on the arm from his wife. "That's why today ain't no thing. It's no different than any other birthday."

A second later, however, he belies all that self-assurance by requesting an extra-long scalp check.

Usually scalp checks happen on a Friday, sometimes as early as a Thursday but never on a Monday. They just had a check three days ago. But Barney is insistent, shifting down on the pillows so she can examine his hairline.

Robin obliges, even if this is more than a bit ridiculous. They both know she's always gone along on his whims, and she understands the real reason behind this one, making her all the more sympathetic to him. And hey, lying face to face, their arms around each other, isn't exactly an unpleasant position to be in. She's pleased when after only a few moments she hears his soft sigh at what her fingers are doing. "You know," she teases, gently amused, "if you just want me to massage your scalp, I will."

"_Massage_?" Barney repeats with exaggerated outrage. "This is no massage, Robin. This is serious business. Now check the perimeter."

"Alright," she bites back a laugh. "Just hold still."

Robin continues sifting her fingers through his hair and soon Barney's face is buried contentedly in her bosom. A second later she feels him pull the sheet up to their shoulders. "Cold?" she questions, still massaging him tenderly.

"No," he murmurs offhandedly as he nestles closer into her. "I thought you were." He nods his head down towards her breasts. "Your high beams are on."

"Oh," she smiles. "Yeah. But it's not from being cold." She _is_ lying naked with her husband, after all, who feels and smells incredible.

"Ahh," Barney grins, and he takes to running his lips over her collarbone, his hands gliding over her hips beneath the sheet as she continues his scalp check.

"Barney, there is nothing wrong with your hairline. It hasn't budged so much as a centimeter." She tugs his hair playfully, dropping a kiss to his forehead. "I'm going to tell you something, and don't ever repeat it to anyone else; I'll just say you're lying and no one will believe you."

"Fair enough," he agrees, his fingers dipping down to play over her thigh as he starts kissing her again.

"If you were any sexier to me, Barney, I'm not sure I could handle it," she playfully informs him, feeling his lips pause ever so slightly against her skin. "I mean, we would never leave this bed. Both our careers would be over; we'd never get anything done."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes," she wholeheartedly assures him, stroking over his toned back. "And I don't mean you ten years ago. I'm talking about how sexy you are to me right now. It's insane to think of you worrying about losing your attractiveness. Remember the shark tunnel in Dubai? I literally find you irresistible."

He lifts his head from kissing her neck to give her a confident, sexy smile, all male bravado – clearly any thoughts of residing hairlines now the furthest thing from his mind.

He starts to push off the mattress and she asks him, "Where are you going?"

"I'm gonna do you now," he winks, pulling back the sheet and kissing his way over her breasts.

"As much as I appreciate the offer," she murmurs, thoroughly enjoying what his mouth is already doing, "it's _your_ birthday. You don't have to do me."

Barney squints down at her, eyebrows pinched together in an amused frown. "I know I don't _have_ to do you. I never feel like I have to. I _want_ to. Believe me," he tells her, setting his mouth back to her skin and kissing down her ribcage, "it's my pleasure." His fingers tease in baby soft wisps along her inner thighs as he trails his lips down her abdomen, and then he drapes her leg up over his shoulder, his anticipation mounting as he bends closer to the hot, aching core of her. "There is nothing that makes a guy feel more like a man than making his wife come so hard she's left trembling beneath his lips."

"In that case, I'm glad I can be here for you," Robin gasps, fisting her fingers into his hair as he touches his mouth to her.

The next few minutes go by like heaven. Time and place and very existence jumble together. Sometimes when she's with Barney this way it's almost like an out of body experience of pure pleasure. She's tried to explain it to Lily but words don't do it justice, like right now: the way it feels so _good_, almost too good, like she might literally burst from it – and then she's breaking in waves of sheer delight that course through her whole body.

"See what I mean," Robin pants as he lifts his head. She sets her hand over his at her hip and strokes the backs of his fingers. "_Insanely_ sexy." He chuckles softly, bringing her palm to his lips and kissing it. "I think the world moved a little that time," she breathes, boneless and flushed and still melting inside.

She feels his erection brush against her thigh as he kisses his way back up her body, and she hums softly. "Ready for more already, I see. It sure doesn't feel like you're losing it," she remarks, reaching down to cup that tight behind of his.

"I'm about to lose it inside you," Barney whispers amorously.

"Be my guest." And she wraps her legs around him, pulling him in.

* * *

><p>All in all, Robin gets Barney to enjoy the day she knew he was otherwise dreading by filling it with his favorite things. They manage to hit up the cigar bar before meeting his family, and the gifts he opens at dinner are perfect too, hers his favorite of all: two tickets to the world premiere of <em>Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens<em> in L.A.

"You hate all the new ones, but this has the original cast," she explains. "I knew you were excited about it. Now you'll be one of the first people in the world to see it."

"Baby, I love it," he gushes, pulling her into a kiss right at the table.

And even on the way home she surprises him with a late-night round of laser tag.

"This was a good day," he tells her happily as they're taking off their vests in the deserted lobby of the laser tag arena.

"It was," Robin agrees, stowing their gear in his permanent locker. It's nearly midnight and just the two of them now, so she softly asks, "How are you really doing?"

Barney recognizes her tone straightaway and understands they're being real now. That's the remarkable thing with them, the thing that was missing from their lives before they met each other. Once they're alone together, they can go from their usual nonchalant, nothing-can-touch-me flippancy to earnestness, vulnerability, and candor – like flipping a switch. They feel that safe with each other. All the walls have long since dropped until it's fairly easy for them now to strip all pretenses away with just a single look, word, or tone.

"About turning forty?" he responds, his voice matching her sincerity.

"Yeah."

"Robin, ten years ago I thought I'd be celebrating my fortieth birthday by banging a twenty year old. Or two."

"Careful listing your regrets with your wife standing right here," she quips.

But Barney surprises her by not playing along. He just shakes his head in all seriousness. "Nah. You know I have no regrets about marrying you. What I'm saying is, that's what I thought would be the sum total of my life – and even as much as six years ago I could no longer fool myself into believing that was anything resembling awesome. But now I'm forty years old, and I _like_ who I am. No fooling, no pretending. No cold, hard reality with a twist of shame and a side of disgust when I wake up in the morning and can't remember where I am or who I'm with or even who I claimed to be last night. I know who I am. I love who I am. Most of all, I'm _proud_ of who I am. For most of my life, I couldn't say that."

He smiles, walking over to stand in front of her. "And I am married to Robin freakin' Scherbatsky. The woman of my dreams. The love of my life. So of course I'm happy. I'm ecstatic to be forty when this is what forty looks like," he conveys, pulling her into his arms. "Does it suck getting older? Not yet. I don't feel a bit different; I feel better than ever. But it probably _will_. Eventually. Eventually there will come a time when I can't drink as much or stay out as late. We may even have to wait longer between rounds of boning – but make no mistake, I'm gonna be hittin' that till they put me in the grave."

"I count on it," she smiles alluringly.

"Nope, no regrets, Robin." Barney gently cups her face, his thumb stroking along her jaw. "Except maybe…."

She runs her hand over his shoulder up to the nape of his neck. "Maybe what?"

"If I could do it all over again, I would have asked my mom about my dad sooner. Who knows? Maybe if I'd met him years before I could've fixed some of my issues sooner. Maybe you and I would have never broken up. Maybe we would have gotten married back then."

"Maybe," Robin acknowledges. "But then Ted would have never met Tracy, and little Penny wouldn't exist. You might have told me the truth about the GNB situation back then and I might have talked you out of it. The sting might have never happened and you might not be the CEO right now. Who knows what else might be different? That's the thing about 'what-ifs'. A part of me wishes we would have been honest with each other a lot sooner. If we'd known how we really felt about each other it could have saved us both a lot of heartache. But I still don't know that we would have been ready back then. I don't think _I_ was, even if you had been. I still had a lot of issues to work through myself."

"You're probably right. You know what they say – and by 'they' I mean overly romantic, pretentious douches like Ted."

"Sure. Of course," she nods.

"Everything happens for a reason, exactly as it's meant to."

"The Universe has a plan," she grandly quotes what they've heard a thousand times from Ted.

Barney gives her a cagey look, makes a show of glancing around to be sure no one can hear them, and then stage-whispers, "I think maybe it really does."

Robin grins, nodding. "Yeah, I think so."

"Never tell Ted I said that."

"No," she laughs. "Never. We'd never hear the end of it."

"But either way," he laughs along with her, "I would never go back to twenty year old Barney, or even thirty year old Barney. Forty year old Barney is _way_ more awesome. And he gets to have you, which is the decider right there."

Leaning in, she places a soft kiss to his lips. "Let's get you home, birthday boy," she says suggestively.

"Mm-hmm," he seconds, sliding his hands into the back pockets of her jeans. "I think I've got some more unwrapping to do."

"Yeah ya do. The real celebrating hasn't even started yet."

* * *

><p><strong>Two Months Later<strong>

* * *

><p>By the time Robin makes it back to the apartment it's just after 1:30 a.m.. The click of her heels echoes in the entryway as she deposits her keys on the divider and looks up to find Barney sitting on the couch with Legendary. His suit coat and tie are off, his sleeves rolled up. The TV's playing quietly and there's an open beer on the coffee table. It's the sort of domestic scene she never would have pictured for herself years ago, but coming home to it now makes her feel warm and happy and buzzed in a way that all the alcohol in New York could never provide.<p>

"Hey," he smiles to her in greeting. "I thought you might be out all night with the girls."

"Are you kidding? For them 1:30 is all night."

Tonight was Trilogy Time 2015, Ted, Marshall, and Barney's triennial ritual of watching all six and a half hours of the original Star Wars films in one setting. While the guys watched their movies, it gave Tracy, Lily, and Robin the perfect opportunity for a girls' night out, especially with Judy and Mickey watching the Eriksen kids for the weekend. This left Ted with the baby, but after years of dreaming of being in this very position he was more than happy to babysit. It remains unclear just how much of a damper a crying two month old put on their festivities.

"How'd you guys handle Penny all by yourselves?" she asks, bending to pet behind Legendary's ears when the dog trots up to welcome her return.

"Please," Barney scoffs. "I can soothe any female. Not that Ted let her out of his arms all night. She was asleep before we were an hour into _A New Hope_. She didn't even make it to the trash compactor scene." He shakes his head indignantly. "That's why you don't bring a chick to a guys' tradition."

"I'm sure Daisy will be there next time if Marshall has anything to say about it. I caught him last week trying to teach her to use the force to summon her sippy cup from across the room."

"Well, you do have to start 'em young," Barney concedes, and Robin isn't quite sure if he's kidding. "What about you? Wild night?" He knows his wife well enough to recognize she's a bit tipsy.

"We went to dinner and a movie like we planned, but then we decided that wasn't wild and crazy enough for Lily and Tracy on a rare night without the kids. Two months and this was Tracy's first night out, can you believe it? So we ended up going to this club on the Upper West Side."

Barney's eyebrow shoots up. "Really? I thought you guys were 'too old for that stuff'," he draws out, mimicking the movie.

"We are," Robin shudders. "Cheesy guys kept hitting on us all night. It turns out the power of the ring means nothing in a dark club after midnight."

He frowns, that little jealous tick twitching in his cheek like whenever he hears about some other guy getting a little too personal with her.

She crosses to the kitchen and sets her purse down on the counter, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. "And dancing up on a bunch of your girlfriends isn't as fun as I remember from college," she tells him, taking a drink.

"Maybe not, but I would have loved to see that," he rejoins, standing up and walking over to her. "I already got to see you and Lily makeout. It's only fair I witness a little action with Tracy too."

"You would've been disappointed then. Lily was knee-deep in martinis, to be sure – and now that she's juggling two kids she's gotten a lot quicker with her hands."

"Can't say I blame her." Barney's eyes trail unhurriedly over her short yellow sundress, his gaze lingering at the plunging halter neckline. "You do look super-hot tonight."

Robin smiles at that. "Thanks, but you know Tracy. She's never been much of a drinker, and she won't drink at all while she's breastfeeding. She insisted that Lily and I do all her drinking for her – which stopped being fun after the second shot. In the end, Tracy missed the baby and we just called it a night." She shrugs, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "All in all, the evening wasn't exactly scintillating. But I _did_ get all liquored up, so I'm very easy to take advantage of," she tells him, playing with the top button of his shirt.

His smiles as his eyes meet hers, soft and warm and affectionate. "Is that right?"

"Mm-hmm, I'm actually – "

And then suddenly he's kissing her with everything he's got. But this kiss doesn't taste of lust or heady passion or a need to be inside her as quickly as they can manage. The way he's kissing her now reminds her of the morning they left for Farhampton when she was jittery with nerves and he kissed her to calm her, to remind her of _why_ they were off to get married in the first place. Rather than hungry and carnal, this kiss is tender and emotional. It feels like he's pouring all of his love into it, and Robin responds in kind.

When they finally break apart for air, he sets his forehead to hers, just breathing her in. "Whoa," she murmurs. "That was a pretty serious kiss. What's up?" She sees mischief spark in his eyes and sets her finger to his lips, stopping the double entendre before it forms. "You know what I mean."

Smirking, he turns her around so he's now the one leaning against the kitchen counter, holding her from behind with his arms wrapped snuggly around her waist. "I was just thinking back to the last Trilogy Time and where we were then."

"Yeah…." Reminiscing over where she was three years ago is nowhere close to a pleasant walk down memory lane. "That was a rough one." Barney was with Quinn, and she was miserable trying to pick up the broken pieces of her life. "It didn't seem so bad for you, though. I remember; you let Quinn move in her mugs." As much as Robin wanted Barney to be happy, she hated seeing them together but knew she had no right to feel that way.

"I'll tell you a secret." Barney pulls her in closer to whisper in her ear. "Lily was right back then about why I didn't want to get rid of my mugs."

"Yeah. That's no secret. Everybody knew that."

He just ignores her. "She said I didn't want to throw anything of mine out because I knew the relationship wasn't going to last, and that was so true. I know; shocking right?" Robin only shakes her head, so he continues. "But, last Trilogy Time, we were all at Quinn's old apartment – Ted was living there then – and we started talking about Trilogy Times past…..Remember back in 2009?" He presses a kiss to her earlobe, then another to her neck.

"Oh yes. I definitely remember that time," Robin rejoins, reaching around and pushing her fingers up into his hair.

"I just – all I could think about was how we were together then, and I wanted that back again. So when Ted described what Trilogy Time 2015 was going to be like, I knew that in another three years I couldnot _still_ be going from nameless bimbo to nameless bimbo. That's why I tried so hard to make it work with Quinn after that. Because I couldn't be back out there living that lifestyle again. But the truth is I really wanted what we had. I really wanted _you_."

"I wanted you too. Don't you remember all the jokes I used to make about being alone, being single?" she reminds him. "I wanted you to notice. I wanted you to _care_. But I understand now why you wouldn't get that. You thought I loved Kevin, not you. You couldn't have been more wrong, but I don't blame you for thinking that."

"And now look at us; we just celebrated our second wedding anniversary a few months ago."

"Best Trilogy Time ever." Robin snuggles back against him. "2015 sure does beat 2012. I used to be so afraid back then to let myself be happy, so afraid that if I did that happiness would get yanked away….It was so stupid, all the groundless, silly fear and panic I had back then, all for nothing." She cranes her neck around, resting her check on his shoulder. This time she's the one to pull him into an impromptu, tender kiss.

And this time Barney is the one to sigh contentedly when they pull back. "Do you know those guys never did figure out what was going on the Trilogy Time before that?" he says, sliding his hands down to her hips.

"That was a very narrow escape – and I wasn't too happy about the interruption." She smiles wryly. "Two seconds away from finishing is _not_ a good place to be left."

"Tell me about it," he murmurs, letting his hands slip over her thighs now. "You know, we could still finish tonight….."

"No. And I've told you 'no' every single time."

"But that's not even the same suit," Barney whines, gesturing to the Stormtrooper in the corner of their living room. "I threw the other modified suit away years ago because you wanted me to."

"With good reason. I would've let you keep it before. _You're_ the one who confessed."

"You have a way of getting the truth out of me," he mumbles with eyes cast down like an errant child who's been caught red-handed.

"Aww, that's sweet. But, sorry, it's still not happening. I will not have Stormtrooper sex with you after you had it with her." As she says it, Robin realizes it sounds a bit petulant, even borderline ridiculous since she's now his wife and he's told her time and time again she's the one and only love of his life – and the incident in question happened over three years ago with an ex who he, in a way, left because he was still in love with her – so she attempts to explain what she's feeling in at least a somewhat rational light. "Before it was something special, just between us. I was the _only_ woman who'd ever done that for you. Now, knowing you did it again with her afterwards, it would just be creepy."

Barney expels a frustrated huff of air. "But I only did it again because I was thinking of _you_."

"And that's supposed to make it better," she laughs, "that you were thinking of me while having sex with her?" But then it hits her that there _is_ something kind of sweet about that, and she bites her lip against the feeling. "Well, yeah, okay, I guess it does make it _better_…..so does the fact that you had her put on the helmet, even after you'd thrown up in it."

"And I made her keep it on during," he points out hopefully. "It was easier to pretend that way. But when you and I had sex in it, we left the helmet off because I wanted to kiss you and see _your_ face."

Robin sighs, turning around and running her hand down his chest to rest over his pec. "It's better," she relents, "but still not good." And when he pouts she takes the opportunity to remind him, "Do I need to bring up how you ran off to a strip club on the morning of our wedding and came back passed-out-drunk in a potted plant?"

"No…." he frowns, his tone seeming to indicate he's admitting defeat. Until a second later: "But this is a brand _new_ suit. No one's ever used it."

"No, Barney," she continues to insist. "Look, I know you've slept with hundreds of women, but other than the few times you forced me to listen, I don't know all the details. This I know too much about it. If we tried it again I'd always – I'd just always be thinking of it, okay?"

"I assure you, _I_ wouldn't be."

"I'm glad, but the answer's still no."

Barney pulls Robin back into his arms, grinning. "You are such the jealous type. But I _love_ it," he puckishly admits, gliding both hands down to cup her rear end. "And I love you." He kisses her softly, feeling her melt against him. "And of course you know that no one else could ever compare to you anyway," he cajoles. She opens her mouth to protest and he beats her to it. "But I know; it's still not gonna happen."

Robin smiles indulgently. "I'll tell you what. Name another fantasy and I'll do it."

"What about Princess Leia?" he responds, tellingly quickly. "Would you do Princess Leia for me? The gold bikini from _Return of the Jedi_, you know the scene…."

She laughs, shaking her head. "Men are so typical."

The excitement disappears from his expression, replaced by a troubled look that deepens the lines on his forehead. "_Why_? Have you had Princess Leia sex with someone else before?"

"No," she smirks, and he gives her a look like he doesn't believe it. "No, I honestly haven't. But see how the thought bothers you? Lots of guys have wanted me to, but I wouldn't; I thought it was stupid. But for you – yes, I'll do Princess Leia." Barney's face lights up and he bounces on his heels, making her laugh. "You get the costume, and I'll do it." She seals the promise with an extended kiss. "But, tonight, let's just be us."

His eyes rake over her face, settling on her mouth. "Mmm, yes. Us is good," he whispers, urging her lips back to his, this time for a hungry, tongue-tangling kiss – one in which his hands go freely exploring. "_Really_ good," he voraciously corrects.

"And maybe later this week while you're waiting for your Costume Guy to get you an authentic Princess Leia…." Robin pauses to draw out the suspense. "….I'll do the full Robin Sparkles again." She watches his eyes cloud with pleasure. "I know that's your favorite."

"No. _You're_ my favorite. Just you. Just like this."

Robin kisses him, purring "I love you" against his lips. "But are you sure this is your favorite? _Just_ like this? Or maybe with a few alterations?" she suggests, untying the halter straps of her sundress and letting it slide down her body and fall to the floor, leaving her naked all but for her tiny leopard-print cheekster panties with the scalloped black lace edging, one of his favorites.

"Okay yeah," Barney murmurs awestruck, his I-just-saw-boobs look firmly on his face. "_This_ is definitely my favorite."

Robin hums in pleasure as she begins unbuttoning his shirt. "Just wait till you take the panties off."

* * *

><p>A month later, Barney and Robin spend the late afternoon and early evening in a much less family-friendly way than Trilogy Time: playing a spirited round of Night Falcon and Fire Eagle with their usual group. Despite both having active careers and although they don't see them <em>every<em> day like they used to still having a thriving social life with the gang, the Stinsons try to keep up their cosplay once a month, or at the very last once every two months.

The role-play strategy competitions always end in sex with them; that's a given. But it often leads to sex right in the midst of the game at Agent Headquarters – meaning the hotel conference room the group booked – or in a deserted alley, and then it's back out into the fray. Once they ended up in some other guest's suite when they happened upon the unlocked door, and infamously there was that time back in 2013 when they finished in the back of Ranjit's limo – to the unwitting enjoyment of all three, leading Ranjit to encourage them to "go all the way" again while on the drive to Farhampton for their wedding weekend. Basically, sex can occur any time, any place they can find once the moment gets too heated and they have to have each other right now. Then, later, whoever wins that night's competition gets to play the role of sexual dominator as their prize.

This time, however, is one of the nights where they've made it through the whole game chastely, and although Barney is the victor – he launched a sneak attack that both captured the jewel _and_ Robin fair and square – he opts to wait until they're back home to collect his reward. He wants utter privacy…..and the luxury of taking his time.

After all, tonight is a special night.

They get a few odd looks – though not too many; this _is_ New York City – hailing a cab still in their costumes and with Robin's wrist shackled to Barney's as he takes her back to his Fortress to properly deal with her, but they just ignore them.

Standing outside the open cab door, she yells in outrage and fights against him, but he holds her firm. "I refuse to go with you to your private command center, your _lair_," she emphasizes contemptuously. "I request a mediation back at Agent Headquarters."

"You make a lot of demands for someone who's my prisoner," he scoffs, devil-may-care.

"It's in the council rules."

He delivers a long, exaggerated evil laugh – the kind he'd shown her how to properly do back when they were in the midst of the Arcadian feud. "How adorably naïve of you, Night Falcon. Do you really expect an evil spy organization such as mine to abide by the rules?"

"According to Code 575 – "

"Not another word. Get into the cab. Now!" He pushes her semi-roughly into the backseat.

The cab driver watches them slide in, looking pointedly at Robin's bound wrist. Between that and the yelling, concern darkens his features.

"It's a game we're playing," Barney offers in explanation.

That makes sense considering their getup, but the driver remains a little unsure and glances to Robin for verification that she's indeed alright.

"It's okay," she smiles. "We're married."

Barney waggles his eyebrows suggestively. "Just a little thing we do to spice things up."

"You two are married and you still play games like that?" the driver marvels.

Robin and Barney glance at each other curiously and then back to the driver, nodding simultaneously; it seems absolutely normal to them.

"I must be doing things wrong," the driver mutters, shaking his head as he pulls out into traffic. "I'm lucky if I can get a little somethin' on my birthday!"

* * *

><p>At home in their bedroom, Barney strips Robin down to her strapless bra and panty set, uncuffs her from his arm and makes her lie down on the bed, fastening both of her wrists to the headboard to keep his prisoner secure.<p>

"What are you going to do to me?"

"Exactly what you want me to," he answers provocatively, his eyes skimming over her from head to toe.

"What I want is for you to let me and my men go."

He makes a sound of regret in the back of his throat that she knows he doesn't mean. "Can't do that. I need to find out what else you know about this mission." She remains stubbornly quiet, turning her head haughtily away from him. "I have ways of making you talk," he reminds her.

Crossing over to the bedside cabinet, he opens the doors and reaches inside, withdrawing a box she's never seen before – although she can hear various instruments rattling around inside hidden from her view. Just what agony does he mean to afflict upon her?

As he's setting the box down on the nightstand, she catches a peek inside. Rather than the typical interrogation devises used by the enemy, his box is designed with sweet torture of another kind in mind. It's filled with various sex paraphernalia: a silk blindfold, silicone duotone balls, a suede cattail hand whip, a rabbit vibrator and more besides that she can't make out – but her heart skips a beat in anticipation of what she _has_ seen.

"But first, a drink." He walks out of the room and in the quiet apartment she can hear him open the refrigerator door. He reappears in the doorway seconds later drinking half the can of Red Bull he's holding. "I want plenty of energy and stamina for this interrogation. I've a feeling it could go all night…."

Running around the city the way they were earlier, as well as wrestling during her capture, Barney knows Robin is likely thirsty too and he produces a cold bottled water from behind his back. Since her hands are quite literally tied, he uncaps it for her and stands beside the bed, positioning it to let her drink. He can't deny it's incredibly erotic; her mostly naked lying on the bed, him holding an oblong object near his thigh while she takes the tip into her mouth.

When she's had her fill, she turns her lips away. "I see what you're thinking," she accuses.

He doesn't bother to deny it. "I want you sucking something else."

She lets out a scornful laugh. "That's never going to happen."

"That's what you said the last time, and we both know how that ended." He pins her with enticing eyes.

She manages to hold his gaze but her tone is quieter, less self-assured as she answers, "The last time was a mistake."

Setting down the water bottle, he kneels beside her on the bed. "Why do you lie to yourself, Night Falcon?" he questions, and tantalizingly runs his hand up her leg. He moves his fingers round to glide along her inner thigh and watches the pickup in her breathing. "You hoped the night would end this way…."

Bending down, he holds his lips ghosting above hers. He can plainly see she wants him; that's why he's teasing her all the more, just barely brushing his lips over hers but not adding any pressure, not landing his mouth fully against hers to give her an actual kiss. Not yet. "….Or do you always wear such skimpy lingerie under your uniform." He moves away – his mouth and his fingers – and sees frustration flash in her eyes.

Robin finds this kind of sexual provocation and incitement immensely pleasurable – that's why they play these games, after all – and she's ready to up the ante. "Let me go!" she snaps. "I….I need to use the bathroom. Surely you're not so inhumane as to deny bathroom privileges."

Barney considers this for half a second. There could be truth to what she's saying, even in the midst of the role play. On the other hand, she didn't say 'flugelhorn'. And then it hits him, why she specifically cited the bathroom. His wife is the very woman who once said a hot guy telling you when you can and can't use the bathroom is her version of _the_ dream. She enjoys the power and control aspect. It turns her on. Just as often, she's the dominator – tying and teasing and having her full way with him – but other times, like now, she likes him to take the reins, take the lead, take _her_.

Barney gauges Robin's expression to confirm he's right and the little wink she gives him seals it. She wants him to go full throttle, play even further power games with her. Well, he can do that…..

"_NO_!" he vehemently roars. "You're staying right where I put you. You're _mine_ now. All mine. And after the trouble you've caused me, I should nail that pretty little ass of yours." He snatches up the hand whip commandingly. "_I'm_ in control now. _I_ have all the power. I can control your pain, here and now, with the flick of my wrist," he slickly taunts, moving the whip closer to her. "But I choose to control your pleasure instead," he drawls low and deep and full of sexual intent.

He dangles the whip down and up and over her body, weaving teasing patterns over her bare skin to stimulate and arouse, and she moans softly in scarcely concealed lust. "This can't keep happening, Fire Eagle," she imparts, her eyes and tone softer now. "You know it's forbidden."

His eyebrow arches alluringly. "And doesn't that just make you want it more."

In a heartbeat, his full body is hovering over hers on the bed, kissing down her belly.

"We're sworn enemies," she breathlessly replies. "I'm your prisoner. This is sexual coercion."

His lips pause against her skin and he looks up at her, amusement etched on his features. "You and I both know I don't need to do that. Just say the word and I'll stop."

She opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She can't – she won't – stop him from initiating what they both desire, what they crave, what they _yearn_ for each night until they're suiting up and taking the battle out onto the streets.

He sees the words aren't anywhere close to forming and he chuckles smugly, pressing his face into her breasts.

"I hate you," she hisses.

"You _want_ me." He claims her mouth, kissing her hard. When her tongue eagerly meets his, he begins undressing her the rest of the way, reaching around her back and unclasping her bra with the slightest flick of his wrist. "Deny it," he challenges, peeling her bra away and discarding it onto the floor. Next, his fingers hook beneath the edges of her panties. "Deny you want me."

But Night Falcon makes no such denial; knowingly or not, she actually lifts her hips and shimmies her thighs to help him slide her underwear down her legs – legs which are unshackled and she could be using to kick and fight off Fire Eagle if she really wanted to. On the contrary, she _lets_ him undress her and observes intently as he eases back off the bed and slowly undresses himself.

She watches keenly as he frees himself from his suit, black and red spandex peeling away to reveal hard, chiseled muscle. There's a spark of unmistakable enjoyment in Robin's eyes – all over her expression – as she surveys his naked body. Barney isn't sure if it's intentional or not, but he can't resist commenting on it. "You like what you see, I can tell. But it's _just_ out of your reach, isn't it?" he teases in wicked delight. "Don't worry, though. I'm all for skin-on-skin interactions. You'll have your chance to feel it all, and so will I. As you know from our past encounters, I have a look, then touch, then lick policy."

"You're a pig," she derides, straining against the cuffs.

"And you're in the mood for pork."

"I'm _not_," she insists, but her breasts are as flushed with excitement as her eyes, revealing her protests to be nothing more than laughably weak lies.

"Please, Night Falcon," he scoffs. "I've been inside you enough to know the look of you when you're aroused, when you're wild with lust, when you've just _got_ to have it. Deny it," he dares her again, settling himself between her legs, his chin near her hipbone. "Deny it, or tell me what you want."

"Go to hell."

Chuckling again, he shakes his head – and then proceeds to trail a string of kisses all along her inner thighs, but not where she wants him. He kisses and teases her until she's trembling, nearly writhing beneath him, yet she still won't say a word one way or the other. But he wasn't exaggerating; he _does_ have ways of making her talk. Grabbing her hips, he bends his mouth to hover scant millimeters above those most magical of lady bits. "Tell me," he urges, his breath spreading over her hot and titillating.

"Fine! I want your tongue wrapped around my clit and your fingers inside me. That's what I want; are you happy? You want to nail my ass? Nail it to this mattress. Right now. Just take me now," she groans her demand.

Her acquiesce in hand, he moves back up to his knees and then all the way off the bed.

"Wait – where are you going?" she objects, disappointed and annoyed. She gave him what he was after – and she can see he's as wildly aroused as she is. "I told you what I wanted. You got your surrender out of me. You're in control. You wanted me to beg? I begged. So fine; come own me." He smirks smugly and she realizes he did it all on purpose, just to watch her squirm, with no intention of satisfying the need he created. "You bastard."

"Oh, I will own you, make no mistake about that," he roguishly assures her. "You'll get everything you asked for. And I'll get what _I_ asked for. But did you really think I'd let it go so easily? _I'm_ the victor tonight, Night Falcon, and I plan to collect my winnings….to play with my toy. By the end of the night, your body will be completely open to me – your mouth and your legs," he adds, watching the fire flare in her eyes; crude talk in the midst of their role play always revs Robin's engine, "and you'll be begging for it. You'll be _pleading_ for more and more. And all the while calling out my name." He reaches into the box for the duotone balls. "Starting _now_."

* * *

><p>An hour and a half later, he fondly nuzzles his face into her neck as they come down from their final release of the game. Now that the roleplaying is over, there's a clear change of tone. It's such a contrast to the earlier forbidden lust laced with a certain roughness, an animosity complicated by desire. But gone are Night Falcon and Fire Eagle. There're fully back to Barney and Robin now, lovers, husband and wife. He kisses the hollow of her throat tenderly and then pulls out of her, pushing up onto his knees beside her.<p>

"That was a good round, Barney." She sighs contentedly, well pleased with this month's game of Night Falcon and Fire Eagle. "Even better than this summer."

"I thought so." He gives her a cheeky wink. "I was something of a machine, even for me."

"Mmmm," she hums in gratified agreement.

"But I had ample inspiration." His eyes take in her naked body for the hundredth time tonight before he sets to freeing her, still breathing heavily from their enthusiastic sex. "That rolling flip you did off the railing from one level to the next in the GNB stairwell, my heart just about stopped till I watched you stick the landing. Then it was the hottest thing I'd ever seen…..Until I got you back here, cuffed to our bed," he imparts, husky voiced. "Robin, you are too good at this. You slay me. Halfway through what was supposed to be me tantalizing _you_, I almost couldn't take it anymore and barely stopped myself from just plunging into you."

She gives a throaty giggle of satisfaction – and then both her wrists are free and Barney's kissing them, rubbing up the length of her arms to ward off any cramping. Once he's let go, the first thing Robin does is reach for him, wraps both her arms around his neck, pulling him down into an open-mouthed kiss, her fingers fisting up into his hair.

When they pull back, her eyes dance up at his. "That's the only thing I miss when you win," she divulges. "That and _this_." She glides her hands down his sculpted back to his ridiculously tight rear end, spread fingers squeezing as she presses him into her.

"Feel free to stroke away," he devilishly encourages.

"Too exhausted," she mumbles happily.

Laughing, Barney flops onto his back beside her. Robin pushes up on her elbow, reaching over to her nightstand and retrieving the fresh bottle of water he'd gotten for her sometime in the midst of their game. Taking a long gulp, she hands Barney what's left of his Red Bull. Once they've both rehydrated, he takes their empty bottles and sets them on his nightstand, and she rolls over onto her side facing the window to let him spoon up behind her.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" she asks as he drapes his arm over her thighs, holding her affectionately. "You are the only one insane enough to play Night Falcon with me."

He presses a kiss to her shoulder. "You're the only woman awesome enough to enjoy it."

"I don't just enjoy it, I _love_ it – and you're the only one who knows all about it. You're far and away the only person I've ever met who's as sexually adventurous as I am."

"I know; we're a perfect match. That's why I do know how much you love me, cause I love you just as much." She reaches down for his hand, weaving her fingers through his, and he brushes his lips over the back of her neck. "How _cool_ is our life?" he murmurs. "I bet Marshall and Lily spent the evening apple-picking at Crumpet Manor."

Robin snorts with laughter. "Thank God that was never gonna be us. We can be married, we can even be coupley, without sacrificing our dignity – or becoming boring old stiffs."

"Well, we've got the last word down. With you in – and out – of that costume, you've had me stiff for most of the evening."

She snuggles back against him with a throaty giggle. "If Lily and Marshall, or Ted and Tracy for that matter, knew about Night Falcon and Fire Eagle we'd never hear the end of it. They'd say we only like it because we're both screwed up." Robin shakes her head pensively, and just when it would seem to an outside observer like the evening might be taking a turn, she adds in animated exhilaration, "They have _no idea_ what they're missing!"

"Exactly," Barney grins. "And even if that were true, then here's to being screwed up! Because while they have to spend the night changing dirty diapers and cleaning spit-ups, we get to spend it screwing each other. There's no doubt who's having the more legendary evening – what up!"

Laughing, she reaches over her shoulder and they high five above their heads at their shared awesomeness.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: This was getting very long with still much more to come from 2015, so I had to break up the year again with Part One covering January – May, Part Two covering June-September, and Part Three to cover September-December.

I hate to stop a chapter in the middle of an evening this way, but the rest of Barney and Robin's roleplaying night is about to turn into a series of flashbacks that all go together and I didn't want to interrupt the flow of that, so I'll leave it up to the next chapter for you to guess what is so special about this particular September night.


End file.
